LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

30 Things That Happened/I Learned While Being 30.

liz

Things That Happened:

  1. I celebrated my 30th birthday in Los Angeles, California.
  2. I went to see Chicago on Broadway for the first time.
  3. I became a Notary Public after passing the exam (on the first try).
  4. I went to my first ever themed Spring Break party.
  5. I went to see Tomorrow x Together in concert at Madison Square Garden.
  6. I attended a Fourth of July cookout.
  7. I went to Atlantic City for the very first time in the summertime.
  8. I was permanently hired as an Enrollment Registrar Coordinator.
  9. I spent another weekend in AC in October and had possibly the best weekend ever.
  10. I went to my second Halloween party; this time actually without my social anxiety getting in the way.
  11. I attended my first ever Office Potluck.
  12. I went to my second work holiday party and won the 2024 holiday dance contest.
  13. I dyed and cut my hair way too many times to count.
  14. I was featured in a couple of songs! (Check out DJ Obie The Mayor!)
  15. I was faced with a lot of challenges that started now being an adult.

Things I’ve Learned:

  1. You can do the things you’ve always dreamt of doing.
  2. There’s always an opportunity to cross things off your bucket list; even the minor things.
  3. You can do anything with hard work and dedication, no matter how hard they may seem.
  4. Always say yes to do something that you would’ve turned down in your past.
  5. Go to that big venue to see one of your favorite artist and always have a plan that eases your anxiety.
  6. The heat can be a bother, but the things you can do in the summer are endless. (I miss it!)
  7. Always take time away to reset your mind and body from your work to prevent further burnout.
  8. You are in your position in for a reason, and any doubts you may have stems from your desire to want to be good at what you do (and you do! Give yourself your flowers)
  9. The unexpected moments sometimes make the best memories.
  10. With enough practice and exposure, you can overcome anything.
  11. It’s needed to step back from the serious stuff to simply be grateful for those around you.
  12. Your anxiety is never what defines you, and sometimes you got to tell that to it.
  13. Despite having a ton of high moments, you must learn how to control yourself during your lows.
  14. It’s fun stepping outside of your box.
  15. Adult problems require so much are analysis and self-awareness than I ever thought.
LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Next Boss Battle of Life.

liz

Ten years ago when I turned 21, I thought I needed to change myself. Sure, I was 20 the year before that which kickstarted a new decade of my life, but 21 symbolized a person now being a legalized adult. I spent my 21st birthday at a sushi restaurant in Bedford-Stuyvesant, wearing heels that were too tall for me to comfortably walk in and it had snowed earlier that morning. Nice choices, Liz. Needless to say, it was the first time I sat down in a restaurant and was able to order myself a drink from the bar. I felt so official, you guys. I had this thought that I would be spending my 21st year living it up to the fullest and doing all of the fun shit that we saw adults doing when we were younger.

Until that became the last time I had a drink at a bar that year.

My biggest battle at 21 was that I felt pressured to become an adult. I felt like at 21, I needed to start doing things that in all honesty did not feel ready for at that age. The older I got, the more afraid I was growing up. It was normal to be 21 and not have your adult life figured out. It’s also normal to be 31 and not have the adult life you thought you should’ve had.

In the past year, I’ve definitely expressed this ongoing battle of my problems being more adult-focused, or things I wouldn’t have worried about being in my 20s. The cognitive transition alone going into your 30s completely changes, and when you’re now faced with problems that you’re experiencing for the first time, you’re left really feeling like changes in your life need to be made.

For me, I am learning to not take anything too seriously, and never personal. I am learning that when people are angry and projecting that to others, it is not because of you. I am learning that if someone else isn’t having the greatest day, it should not reflect on how I carry out my day. I am learning that to keep a healthy relationship going with your loved ones, it is crucial that you set boundaries that are important to you and your mental health.

Getting older means you begin to see things you never did before. You understand things about life that only comes with age. And I think the biggest thing about this change is that you’re expected to still live your life and take on the responsibilities you have. You still need to pay the bills. You around have to work your 9 to 5 job. You still need to have your life in order while going through some of the most unpredictable times of your life.

For me, in want to learn hope to not lose myself in the process of growing up.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #35: Jate? Nennifer?

liz

Jennifer walks into a rehearsal space with a guy her age; he has brown, curly hair and is wearing a collared shirt and vest with skinny jeans. He’s totally Jennifer’s type. She walks around the rehearsal space, observing the instruments and microphones at the corner of the room. She turns around and looks at the boy.

Jennifer: Nate, this rehearsal space is sick.

Nate: Thanks, my brothers rent it out whenever we have a band practice.

Jennifer: Do they also go to Waverly?

Nate: Just Jason, he’s a senior.

Jennifer: *teases* He must be so excited that his baby brother is a freshman at Waverly.

Jennifer laughs as Nate deadpans.

Nate: It must be nice being the oldest sibling, huh?

Jennifer: *sighs* Not really. It just means that you get blamed for every little thing the younger siblings do.

Nate: How many siblings you have?

Jennifer looks at Nate and doesn’t immediately answer the question.

Jennifer: I have one younger sister, but my mom is having another baby.

Nate nods his head, Jennifer coughs and changes the subject.

Jennifer: Anyway, Indigo’s Chemistry is having a show in a couple weeks at the Oxygen Lounge; I would love for you to come out and see us.

Nate: *teases* See us, or see you?

Jennifer’s face turns red; blushing hard at Nate’s flirty statement.

Jennifer: Musically, us. Personally; me.

Nate starts laughing as Jennifer looks at Nate; hearts in her eyes.

Nate: Well I’m just going to have to stop by and see you perform with your band.

The two teens look at each other before slowly going in for a kiss. It was an innocent one, quickly pulling away once their lips touched.

Nate: *shy* I’m sorry, I– uhm–

Jennifer: *shy* No, it’s okay! I-uhm–

The two teens stop talking and just look at each other. Jennifer starts the conversation.

Jennifer: I think you’re really cute, Nate. You’re passionate about your music and you’re sweet and kind and– *sighs* And I like you.

Nate widens his eyes, seeming shocked with Jennifer’s confession. Jennifer reads Nate’s body language in a negative way.

Jennifer: I understand if you don’t see me the same way, I–

Nate: No, no it’s not that; it’s just…

Nate looks at Jennifer before he continues.

Nate: I didn’t know that you felt that way.

Jennifer: And?

Nate: And…

Jennifer was getting annoyed, feeling stupid for sharing something to Nate that he didn’t agree with.

Jennifer: It’s fine, Nate; I get it–

Nate: No, wait–

Nate holds out his arm to reach Jennifer before he walks out of the rehearsal space. She turns around to look at him, clearly upset.

Nate: I like you too, Jennifer.

The two teens look at each other and before they decide to kiss again, the door to the rehearsal space opens up; in walks two older guys that look a lot like Nate.

Nate: Bro, what are you even doing here?

Nate’s older brothers, Devin and Jason, walk up to the two teens; they look at Jennifer before looking back to their baby brother.

Jason: Thomas mentioned you were up here *looks at Jennifer* Who’s your friend?

Jennifer stands near Nate, feeling shy.

Nate: This is Jennifer, she’s in my vocal class and also has a band of her own.

Jennifer: *politely* Hi.

The two brothers wave at Jennifer.

Devin: That’s sick; what’s your band’s name?

Jennifer: Indigo’s Chemistry; Nate was actually going to let our band rehearse here for a couple of nights before our next gig in a few weeks; of course if it’s alright with you–

Jason: Oh! You’re that freshman girl that used to date Danny, right?

Jennifer scrunches her eyebrows, not amused by Jason’s comment. Nate looks at Jennifer; clearly this was information he was aware of.

Jennifer: “Used to”. We’re actually friends now. He’s the drummer in our band–

Nate clears his throat, which makes Jennifer look at Nate.

Nate: Can you give us a moment? I just want to clear up some scheduling stuff with her…

Devin and Jason agree and begin to walk out towards the door to exit.

Devin: It was nice meeting you Jennifer!

Jason: *adds* Nice to finally put a face to the name.

Jennifer doesn’t respond back. Once the door closes, Nate turns to Jennifer to talk.

Nate: You used to go out with Danny Campbell?

Jennifer: It was literally a year ago, Nate. We were young and dumb and stupid and–

Nate: And now you’re friends and he’s in your band? *points out* You know, if you needed a drummer for your band, I would’ve volunteered to be in it.

Jennifer: I know but–

Nate: You decided to choose your ex instead.

Jennifer: Nate, it’s not even like that–

Nate shakes his head, dismissing anything Jennifer had to say.

Nate: I’m gonna tell my brothers that you can have the space for these nights for rehearsal. They should be able to give you the key code to enter–

Jennifer: Nate, are you seriously going to act like this?

Nate: *nonchalant* I have a rehearsal of my own to get to, so I guess I’ll see you in school, Jennifer.

Jennifer takes a moment before she does or says anything else. She gets the message and grabs her bag from the chair.

Jennifer: Bye.

Jennifer walks out of the rehearsal space with her head facing down, wiping any fallen tears away from her face.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Throwback Thursdays

Where Was I in 2015?

liz

*sigh* These posts are never easy to make because they remind me just how old I’m getting... Anyway! Dear, readers; welcome to Letters from Liz!

First and foremost, Happy New Year! I cannot believe that another year has passed and now we are in a new one! Of course, with every beginning of a new year, I like to come on here and talk about what and where I was a decade ago. I am also reminded that with every new year, the “decade” year in question is a time that feels like it happened only a few years ago. And then I’m reminded that soon my entire 20s will be a decade–

But before I spiral down this rabbit hole, lets talk about a time where I remember quite well: 2015!

In 2015, I was a 21-year old junior in college pursing my bachelors degree in English Writing. By this time, I was not only getting into my major courses in writing, but I was also in the middle of finishing my requirements for my Psychology minor. During this time of my life, I was very much trying to figure out what life was going to look like after I graduated college in 2016, or what I thought the case was. Cue the one story that still haunts me to this day:

My academic advisor at the time (shoutout to Jen Durando for literally saving my academic life) was advising me for classes I needed to take for the upcoming Fall 2015 semester. She had noticed that I was short a couple (try 20) credits and told me that my graduation in Spring 2016 could be delayed because of this. She saw that in the recent semesters, I grew an interest in theatre (thanks to my love for screenwriting at the time). She suggested that I continued to take courses in drama and just declare it as a minor, in which I did. Although that summer, I had to take two courses to get back on track for my anticipated Spring 2016 graduation. Spoiler: I did end up graduating the following year.

In 2015, I worked for a production company in the city as an internship in hopes that this opportunity would create a possible career for me when I graduated from college. This internship was for two months long, leading up to their annual event called Poetic License. This was the first year that Poetic Theater Productions had made this event a month long process; in previous years, it was just a week long of different shorter projects being performed.

This year, Poetic Theater Production presented two different plays by two different creators. The first project was Paradox of the Urban Cliché, a play that was written by Craig muMs Grant, an American poet and actor. (I only knew of this information because he played an inmate named “Poet” in HBO’s Oz in the late 1990’s). The project that I worked on was called Dijla Wal Furat: Between The Tigris and The Euphrates, a play written in the various different prospective of those who were experiencing the War in Iraq in 2003.

Photo Credit: Born; Find the Light Photography, 2015

I worked closely with the stage manager, sitting in the little booth behind the theater managing the soundboard for the play. The experience was rewarding; I got to see young actors rehearse and become characters on stage and then immediately turn it off when they got off of it. It gave me an appreciation for those who were actually majoring in drama back in college. It wasn’t an easy thing to teach your mind and body to do.

In 2015, I went to my first ever concert and it just so happened to be a Kelly Clarkson one. She was on tour to promote her new album, Piece By Piece, which was released earlier that year. She was playing two nights in NYC at Radio City Music Hall during the summer, and had two opening acts. First it was artist named Eric Hutchinson, which at the time was a smaller artist that had some pretty catchy pop-like song. The second opener was Pentatonix; the 5-member acapella group that won Season 3 of NBC’s The Sing Off. I was already such a big fan of theirs and was so excited to also see them perform live. Their vocals are literally angelic; it was like I was listening to their CDs when they performed. They are such an unbelievably talented group that had everyone intrigued by their vocals.

I remember crying when she was performing “Invincible”; a song talking about how her lows in life made her stronger in the end. I guess at that point, everything I was feeling about the year thus far came pouring in.

It wasn’t an easy one; it was the year that I dealt with stress in every aspect of my life. It was difficult trying to heal when you were not able to escape the triggers, which made me feel different emotions I didn’t know to regulate at the time. It was a year of many challenges and it’s the year that I constantly look back at and pinpoint the shift of my mindset permanently changing.

Needless to say, 2015 was a crazy year, and sometimes feels like a fever dream when I’m reminded that it’s now 10 years ago.

Some other things I’m reminded of about 2015:

  • Snapchat was growing in popularity due to its camera filters and snap streaks.
  • Most, if not all, music was produced by DJ Mustard and heard “Mustard on the beat” in every Top 40 song.
  • YouTube was beginning to become the key for creators to share their context in the world; mainly gaming channels and beauty/fashion channels.
  • Vine was our TikTok. #RIPVine
  • Everyone edited their photos using VSCO because the influencers at the time used that editing app.
  • Kylie Jenner was “King Kylie” and took the world by storm(i) when she launched her first three shades of lip kits.
  • The song of the summer in 2015 was “Cheerleader” by Omi.
  • Barack Obama was our president.
  • Everyone questioned what color was that dress.
  • The Supreme Court’s decision that led to legalizing same-sex marriage.
  • Bruce Jenner transitioned in who we know now as Caitlyn Jenner.
  • MTA bus and train fare went from being $2.50 to $2.75. (Can you believe it’s being raised to $3in 2025?!)
  • The newest iPhone model to be released was the iPhone 6S.

It’s crazy to think that things that happened and that were trendy 10 years ago are now considered “vintage” and “nostalgic”. I could only imagine how nostalgic 2025 will be ten years from now…

… too soon, Liz.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: 2025.

liz

20 years ago, my family and I went to visit our grandparents in Pennsylvania during the summer with my aunt, uncle, and my two baby cousins. It was always beautiful around this time of year; you could hear the camp from across the land sing and play their music marking their end-of-the-summer celebration. The goats would talk whenever my grandparents entered the pen to feed them barrels of hay and fill up their water jugs to stay hydrated. My family sat on the deck talking among each other while my 3-year old cousin and I played in the blown up kiddie pool, keeping us entertained. My sister would go pet the three American Bulldogs that my grandparents owned; Bear, Molly, and Emma.

We were there because we were celebrating my grandmother’s birthday that July; she was turning 60 that year. This year, in July, she will be 80.

She no longer lives in that quiet place in Pennsylvania. She no longer has her family of chickens and goats, waking us up in the morning with their sounds. She no longer has the three dogs as they all passed away years later. She no longer has my grandfather making playful jokes at her and making the rest of us laugh as he passed away from lung cancer in 2018.

20 years ago, I was just this little wavy haired girl hitting puberty, graduating elementary school that June and entering middle school in the Fall. 20 years later, I am a woman working in higher education, watching time pass us by and learning that if not careful, will slip in between our fingers.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m turning 31 in just 8 days.

The beginning of every new year seems to be more serious than before; it’s truly the mark that reminds us that yes, the years are coming and going and yes, the concept of time is really something we can’t ever fully understand. As we get older, the ones around us get older, and that’s truly a scary thought if you live your life thinking that you can manage how time is spent. As you get older, you realize how fucking depressing ringing in the new year can be. When you’re older, you wonder if the adults you grew up around felt that same wave of sadness while putting on a smile just to keep the moment magical.

But, the new year also means that we get another chance to start over, and symbolically leave the negativity of the previous year in the past. Sure, your life doesn’t automatically reset on January 1st, but it does indicate a fresh start.

I hope that in 2025, I get more opportunities to spend time with family that I don’t get to see all the time. I hope that I get the opportunity to spend my time traveling more, going to more concerts, events, and parties, and with those that I love the most. Since 2024 has given me just a slight taste in what my 30s are going to feel like, I hope that in 2025 I am able to begin working on some processes that I set my mind to. I haven’t forgotten about you, good ole doctorate program!

Lastly, I hope 2025 isn’t too cruel with the life lessons that I know I will one day have to experience. I hope that it eases me in the reality that has yet to come; the one where I am truly faced with the fact that I am growing up as the years pass by, and that on every January 1st, not only does it mean I’m blessed to have seen another year, but accept that we cannot stop time from happening.

In 2025, I hope that I continue to make memories as I’m getting older, and associate the action of getting older with a positive outlook. It’s scary to grow up; yes. It’s scary that I am at the age where I can remember something that happened 20 years ago as if it happened yesterday. It’s scary having remembered all these people in your life who were once young now getting older. It’s scary when you become the adult and you see the ones who took care of you declining in mobility and strength (physically and mentally). It’s scary to come to terms that these things are inevitable, just how the ball will drop at midnight every single year as it first did back in 1907.

It’s scary to think about, yes, but the best way to cherish the time we have now is to truly live in the present. The best way to preserve time is to simply enjoy it while we have it. And I think that’s what I’m aiming for in 2025.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 12: The Black Sheep’s Martyr: A Micah Monologue.

liz

It’s damp, and reeks of piss. I can’t help but hold my head and apply pressure to my temples to ease my pounding headache. Something has to be broken because something feels out of place in my body. I don’t remember much of what happened. The last thing I remember is getting punched in my stomach so hard that I was grasping for air, then everything went dark.

It was red, and then immediately went black.

I look around and notice just where I’m at, and it starts coming back to me. I’m in a fucking prison cell. I immediately get up from the hard bench and walk around the closed cage. What the fuck am I going to do to get myself out of this situation? What if I don’t get let out? What if I had to go to court to get a permanent sentence for nearly beating a man close to death? Is he going to be sentenced for nearly beating Rosie close to death? What if—

“Where is he?!” I hear a woman’s voice echo down the hall. “Where do you guys have him held up?!”

“Ma’am,” I hear one of the correctional officers say back to calm the situation. “He’s been in holding for—”

“Tell me where the fuck he is!” The woman shouts louder and I immediately know who it is. Fuck… mom.

“Pep,” I hear my dad say to my mom, trying to calm her down. Fuck, it really is mom.

“Tell me where my son is,” my mom’s voice demanded before I hear my father shout out her name. Before I could process everything going on, I finally see my mother run up to the holding cell. I immediately backed up, scared as shit seeing her in complete rage. Two officers begin to grab my mother’s arms to contain her. Fuck, what if she gets thrown in here for me for fucking up a correctional officer?

“Pep, please,” my father finally catches up to the cell. He glances at me before looking back before looking at mom. “Let her go; she’s okay!” My mom’s face sank as soon as she made eye contact with me.

“Micah,” she said as the officers let her go. She came close to the bars of the cell and stared at me.

“Can you confirm your son’s name and date of birth for us?” one of the officers asked my dad.

“Salem Micah Kamalani, July 8th, 2018,” my father answered. I couldn’t get my eyes off of my mom. She wasn’t crying, but she looked as if she could at any minute. She was silent the entire time, making the feeling of guilt even worse.

“We just need you to sign him out at the front desk–” the officer began to say before my mom finally spoke.

“I’ll do it,” she finally said, still looking at me. She finally turned away and followed the officers toward the front of the precinct. Once she was gone, I felt like I was able to finally breathe. My dad watched as she left before walking toward the cell.

“You have so much explaining to do when you get out of here,” he said in a stern voice. I didn’t say anything back; I didn’t want to get in even more trouble for talking back.

…

My father unlocked the front door to our apartment. A part of me was scared to enter the apartment and have the door close behind me. The night was still young, and my mother knew just how to make an argument feel like a lifetime when she’s mad. My mother walked into the apartment, putting her things down on the kitchen table. My older brother was sitting in the living room while his wife was in the kitchen area. Both of them looked at my mom before looking at me.

“Are the girls home?” my father said as he cleared his throat.

“They both should be coming home from Nathan’s show,” Milo answered.

“Emmie’s sleeping in your room if you don’t mind,” Sophie said to my mom. She nodded her head to acknowledge her statement, but doesn’t say anything else.

“And Summer?” my father asked.

“Sleeping in the girls’ room,” Sophie answered.

“Did you guys get to eat?” he asked Milo and Sophie. “You didn’t have to wait–“

“You didn’t have to wait for us to, you know, pick up your delinquent brother from prison,” my mom finally said before looking at me.

“Prison?” Sophie repeated in shock before looking at me.

“Right?” my mom scoffed as she answered. “Sorry we couldn’t have dinner as we planned because Micah decided he wanted to go to prison tonight!”

“Yeah, because I totally wanted to spend my night there,” I spat back, getting annoyed.

“You shut up!” my mother pointed at me and said. “You have no right speaking in the position you are currently in!”

“Maybe if you spoke to be like a decent human being, you would understand how I ended up in bookings in the first place!” I shouted back at my mom.

“A misdemeanor is something that a decent human being wouldn’t be charged with!” she yelled back, now even angrier. “Seriously Micah, you’re trying to talk yourself out of something that was so severe, we had to pick you up from a precinct that you were being held in–“

“You’re acting like I killed someone!” I shouted angrily at my mom.

“You got into a physical altercation with a billionaire’s son! What makes you think they are not going to bring you to court to charge you for a criminal defense?! Did you not think that through?” I looked at my mother, angry that she’d put this on me. She didn’t know the entire story. Would it even matter if she did at this point?

My mother was always extremely hard on me when it came to doing the right thing. She had expectations for me that I feel like she didn’t have with my brother or sisters. Every time I got in trouble for something, it was the end of the world for my mother. I was tired of the unfair treatment, and I honestly didn’t understand what made me different.

“Maybe that billionaire’s son has something to hide,” I spat back. “Did anybody even bother to grab my equipment from the party?” My mother began to laugh.

“You’re more worried about your stupid equipment than your arrest; classic,” my mom commented, obviously being sarcastic. “No matter what I say, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other, so why do I bother?”

“That ‘stupid’ equipment is my livelihood, mom,” I defended myself, annoyed that she would downplay my gig. “That equipment is what’s getting me into–“

“Your livelihood is making sure you pass your classes and graduate with your degree, Micah!” my mom shouted out. “Was this whole project you had going on just some cover up to throw a party and score points with the popular crowd?”

“This was my project!” I yelled back, getting angry at my mom now. “For fuck’s sake mom, why is it when Milo or the girls got in trouble you were never this hard on them, but God forbid I go ahead and do something, and you act like it’s the end of the fucking world–“

“Because you’re the only one out of them that does reckless shit like this!” my mom admitted. “I have to be hard on you because if not, you would run out in the streets doing whatever the fuck you want!” I looked at my mother, not surprised in her words but shocked that she finally admitted it. She saw me as the problem child in her perfect family. She was hard on me because I didn’t act like the rest of the family. I didn’t conform into what my parents wanted me to do. I did my own thing, and in the end it left me being more of an outsider than anything else. My mom took in a deep breath before she spoke; she clearly was fighting back tears in her eyes. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself again.” Again. She’s talking about my suicide attempt a couple of years ago.

My mouth was tight shut. I was till so furious that my mom would treat me like a problem child because she saw me as one. Despite all this fluff of looking out for me and loving me… it didn’t feel like she did. It made me feel like I was their mistake this whole time, and the older I got, the more she took it out on me.

“Micah, mom is just trying to look out for you,” Milo started to explain. “She’s not out to get you or make you feel like you can’t do anything right–“

“I don’t remember you being a part of this conversation, bro,” I said to Milo, annoyed that he was budding into this conversation. “You don’t know how it feels to be in my position, so kindly you should shut the fuck up.”

“Micah,” my father finally chimed in.

“Dude, I grew up without my biological mom,” Milo began to say. I rolled my eyes, having known this exact story word-for-word by now. “Do you know how hard it was to see my siblings have both of their parents?”

“Sorry, I didn’t know we were now playing a game of ‘who got the most traumatic memories being a part of this fucking family’,” I said, turning around to walk toward my room.

“Yo, fuck you man,” Milo shouted, clearly feeling a type of way with what I was saying. “This is exactly why no one ever wants to get close to you. You think the world is out to get you when really there’s so many people trying to save you from doing stupid shit–“

“Worry about your own fucking family, dude,” I turned around and walked to my brother’s face. My dad finally got in between the both of us, trying to break things up between Milo and I. “Stop pretending to give a shit when clearly you never fucking did–“

“That’s enough!” my father shouted, silencing everyone in the living room. “Micah, just go.” I didn’t say anything else; I walked toward my bedroom door and slammed it shut, leaving my family out in the living room by themselves.

…

Someone was knocking on my bedroom door about an hour later; I didn’t want anything to do with anyone living in this house. Someone knocked on the door again; this time, a voice was talking to me.

“Micah,” I heard my dad’s voice. “It’s dad.” I rolled my eyes and got up from my seat, not having the energy to be rebellious in this moment. I opened the door and walked back to my desk, not paying my dad any mind as he entered my room. He closed the door behind him and sighed before he said anything to me.

“Can we talk?” he simply asked. I didn’t answer him back and he started walking towards me and sat at the edge of the bed, facing me at my desk. “I’m not here to fight with you.”

“Good, then leave,” I dismissed without even looking at him.

“Micah,” my father said gently. I didn’t answer him, but he adjusted in his seat and sighed once more. “Daniella has your equipment at her apartment. She and her boyfriend made sure they took your belongings before the party was shut down.”

“That’s reassuring,” I said, still not wanting to have a conversation with my dad.

“Micah, you got into some questionable things before in the past, but nothing that ever led to you being arrested,” my dad finally began to say. “Nothing that required us to play bail in order your you to get released.” Fuck. I felt bad that they had to spend money to get me out of a situation that I shouldn’t have ever been in in the first place. “Nothing that required stitches on your body. I need to know what happened so that–“

“So that what? You can feel better that your delinquent son has a reason in why he did what he did?” I spat back.

“Micah, the officers told your mom that you’re lucky the billionaire’s son isn’t pressing charges,” my dad explained. “And I want to know why he isn’t.”

“Dad,” I whined, turning my chair to now face him. “Does it matter? I was thrown in bookings, and he was able to get out free because he’s filthy rich.”

“I’m trying to save face for you, Micah,” my dad sternly stated. “Your mom was already on one, talking about possibly kicking you out.” I turned around to finally look at my dad in the face. Kick me out? Is that really her last resort in “handling” me?

“Then I guess I should make her wish come true.” I got up from my seat and walked to my closet, pulling out a suitcase buried underneath a pile of shoved clothes.

“Micah, please—”

“No!” I shouted, even angrier than before. “Maybe I’m tired of being the black fucking sheep in this family! Maybe I’m tired of being known as the problematic middle child that doesn’t conform to their family’s image. Maybe I am tired of seeing mom be so upset with the decisions I make and label me like some fucking psycho. Maybe I’m tired!” I stood there, pleading to my father who’s now staring at me dead in the face. I was never really that close to my dad; it seems like he was too busy trying to keep Milo in the right track growing up. After he left for college, his attention went to being the “overprotective girl dad”.

It was my mom that constantly had to keep track on me, so it hurts to hear my dad tell me she would be willing to kick me out of the house, despite everything we went through.

I don’t know when I started to cry, but it happened so fast that I didn’t even realize my dad pulled me in to a tight hug. We were never close when I was growing up, but this was the first time I could remember my dad comforting me.

Maybe he knew I needed it.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 11: A Reflection of 2024.

liz

Entering my 30s this year meant saying goodbye to a decade of my life that was marked as one of the most challenging but life-altering decades of my life (not even my teenage years can compare. and those were rough). Upon entering 2024, I was about to start a decade of life that, even in its first year of being in it, would show me just how different things were now that I was in my 30s.

2023 was my transformative year. It was the year that I tied any loose ends to the things that challenged me throughout my 20s. I wanted to enter my 30s truly on a clean slate, and I was glad that I was entering 2024 with that mindset in gear.

But like everything in life, it doesn’t always go the way you attend it to go.

I entered 2024 celebrating my 30th birthday. It was the (second) time seeing palm trees in person, but my first time ever being in California. Despite the hiccups we had on this trip, it was nice to celebrate my birthday in a different state where, at the time, the weather was much more enjoyable than the NYC winter weather. Being on this trip solidified my desire to want to do more traveling in my 30s, something that I wanted to do in my 20s but didn’t get the chance to due to schooling and living through a pandemic. It gave me this sense of being okay leaving the nest. and that it was okay to leave it every once and a while in order to miss it. Nevertheless, after my trip from California, I knew I wanted the rest of my 30s to be spent doing all of the things I was either too afraid to do or couldn’t do; a big part of that is traveling.

I went to Atlantic City twice this year; once during the summer and the week before Halloween. Both were closer to home, but were much needed getaways as I continued to take on responsibilities at work more than ever.

A lot of my stress and anxiety this year came from just that, work. It was a different type of anxiety that I didn’t experience; many reason is that I was officially hired into my position earlier this year, which meant that I was now learning the pros and cons of working in higher education as an administrator.

This past year, I’ve been learning more than ever how to balance my work and personal life in times when I feel like I am nothing but my job. There were days that I felt great leaving the office and confident in the work that I do; others left me questioning if I was ever the right choice being in a position like this. It’s not hard work, but it’s not an easy job. More than ever, I am learning about my passion in higher education.

In 2024, I was constantly reminded of my own Masters Thesis from 2018 and how much I felt like things needed to change within the college classrooms. Now that I work beyond the classroom, I still find myself having that need to be the changing voice in my profession. Some things never change about you, no matter how long it’s been.

Despite being more involved in my job this year, this year was the first that I felt like I was being unapologetically myself. This year, I was comfortable to show a bit more of my personality in the workplace; I’ve learned it’s a blessing and a curse. By being open meant that I was learning the politics of higher education and just

In the process of getting hired permanently, I also challenged myself to take the NYS Notary exam in order to become a Notary for my job. I’ve learned, even being in my 30s, that some mindsets can’t change, and sometimes I feel like I like to torture challenge my abilities to do something outside of my comfort zone.

With New York administrating one of the hardest Notary exams in the country, I was shocked when I passed it on the first try. It was something that I worked extremely hard for in the short timespan I had.

In 2024, I also continued my solo adventures to going to different shows and events that I wanted to go to. Back in February (although not a solo adventure) I went to see Chicago on Broadway with my sister as part of her 2023 Christmas present. It was nice to spend time with them now that we both got our own things happening in our lives. In June, I continued to cross artists off of my concert bucket list and saw TXT at Madison Square Garden. While it was definitely the type of Kpop concert I normally would avoid due to the chaos it brings the more popular the group is, I was glad to even push my limit further to attend a show in an arena that big.

Continuing my journey of also challenging my social anxiety, I had more opportunities to go out to social events and actually socialize without feeling like I was awkward or being secretly judged. Of course, the tiny extrovert in me enjoy going to parties because they are fun; I grew up going to a lot of family parties where all I did was dance to the music all night. Of course, things changed as I got older, but I’ve been adamant in getting out of my head and live my life by doing everything my younger self would have loved doing. This year in particular was the first in which I actually did whatever I wanted to do and did not think about what others thought. That was one of the (better) things to come out of 2024 for my mental health: being in a place where I was able to be myself and not be my own worst enemy in the process.

2024 was the year of many adventures that came with a lot of learning experiences behind them. I’m learning that this new milestone in my life isn’t a death sentence to my youth. Someone put it best on social media: being 30 means that I’ve been an adult for 12 years, which means we’re still the kids of adults. We still have so much left to learn about life and about the things we enjoy and that make us who we are.

I’m excited to see what 2025 has in store for me. I feel like this past year was the sneak peek of my new milestone, which means that 31 is truly the start of this milestone in life.

2024, you’ve shown me a lot about my patience, passion, and resilience to the things that would’ve normally took me out. You’ve challenged me in ways that taught me life lessons that I was never face-to-face with before. You’ve shown me that while now being in this new decade of my life, I can still love and enjoy the things that truly make up my being, and be okay letting go of the things that don’t serve purpose for me anymore.

2023.
2024.

Most importantly, I learned that I don’t have to see life being told in chapters. I shouldn’t be afraid to close one off and start a new one without getting proper closure for the chapters that came before. I am learning truly how fast time goes, and I shouldn’t be wasting my time dwelling on chapters that already told it’s part of the story. In addition, I shouldn’t be afraid to allow new chapters to begin, even when I least expect them.

And I think that’s what I’m taking into 2025 with me.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 10: Baby’s 1st Serious Boyfriend: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

I felt like I was more nervous than Aaron coming home from school today. I dreaded this afternoon for weeks now; it was finally the time that my family got to meet Aaron for the first time. My only experience around this was watching my older sister Maryette bring home Dennis to us a couple of years ago. I mean, that time was only different because she had announced that she was pregnant with Dennis’ kid, so at least I am walking into this with no huge surprise reveal coming their way.

Aaron held my hand as we walked down the block and turned onto mine. I felt the know in my stomach tighten up the closer we got to the house. I guess Aaron noticed it, especially when I intentionally got slower as we got closer.

“Mols,” Aaron finally said. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just… nervous,” I admitted, looking down the block and spotting my house.

“There’s nothing to be nervous about,” Aaron tried to reassure me. I looked at him, rolling my eyes at his response.

“Well obviously,” I began to say. “It’s not your family we’re meeting for the first time.”

“But don’t you think I should be the one nervous meeting your family?” Aaron pointed out. “I am dating the baby of the family.”

“I’m fifteen,” I spat back as Aaron and and teased me. “I think I’m passed being the baby of the family.”

“You’ll always be the baby though,” Aaron looked at me as he said. “My baby, too.” I smiled as he gently kissed me on the forehead. We continued to wake down the block where my house was. I took a deep breath before walking up the steps and taking my keys out from my jacket.

“Hey,” Aaron stopped me before I opened the door. I turned to look at him, wondering what was going on. “Everything’s going to be fine. Trust me.” I gave him a reassuring smile before I turned the doorknob and opened the front door. We’ll see.

I entered my house with Aaron. He begins to look around the living room as he handed me his jacket and book bag to put in the coat closet. The first person to enter the living room was Maryette, of course dragging in Dennis with her.

“Mollie Wollie!” Maryette called out for me, and I immediately feel this wave of embarrassment. I know that was her nickname for me, but to say it front of Aaron was so cringe.

“Hey Mars,” I said to Maryette, calling her by her nickname. I turned around to talk to Aaron. “Aaron, this is my sister Maryette; Maryette, this is my boyfriend, Aaron. ” Aaron held out his hand to shake Maryette’s. Since when was he so formal?

“Nice to meet you,” Aaron smiled as he shook Maryette’s hand.

“Nice to meet you as well,” Maryette greeted back. “This is my boyfriend, Dennis.” Aaron and Dennis gave each other the universal guy hand pound as they greeted each other. My sister and her boyfriend walk back towards the kitchen, which gives me just enough time to talk to Aaron. Of course, he immediately starts laughing when the two adults leave the room.

“Mollie Wollie?” Aaron teased. I nudged him on the shoulder as he continued to laugh.

“Shut up, that’s not funny!” I whispered at him in a stern way.

“Okay, okay; I;m sorry,” Aaron said before we both walked into the dining room area where the rest of my family was. Everyone turned their heads toward us once we entered the room. My mom and Alex were sitting at one end of the table, Milo and Jennifer were sitting towards the middle, and Maryette and Dennis sat at the other end. I immediately noticed that my nephew Micah and my twin nieces were with Jennifer; Milo was nowhere to be found. Interesting.

“Hi, Mollie,” my mom started the conversation. Everyone followed with a greeting for me and my company.

“Hi, uhm…” I began to clear my throat before I said anything further. I felt Aaron squeeze my hand slightly in the process. I looked at him, appreciating that he was next to me as I did this. “This is my boyfriend, Aaron.” Everyone greeted Aaron as soon as I introduced him to them. “Aaron, that is my mom Lydia, my stepdad Alex, you already met Maryette and Dennis, and that’s my oldest sister Jennifer and Milo.” We both started to walk toward the empty seats at the dining room table.

“Nice to meet everyone,” Aaron politely said. “And, to see again; hi, Mr. Kamalani.”

“Hi, Aaron,” Milo said to Aaron before he spoke to the rest of the table. “Aaron is in my freshman vocal choir with Mollie.”

“Oh,” my mom chimed in. “I thought you had a band, Aaron?” I squeezed my eyes shut. Mom, you’re not supposed to know that yet.

“Oh, I do,” Aaron began to explain. “I’m a dual majors at Waverly. I’m in both vocal and band.”

“Like Milo’ son,” Alex added. I looked at Jennifer and Milo for any sort of reaction. The frozen look on their face is all I needed to know that they were thinking the same thing as me. Don’t ever mention him in front of Aaron and I.

“But I do have a band outside of Waverly,” Aaron cleared his throat and continued. “Mollie comes in and rehearses with us from time to time.” He looked at me as he spoke, smiling once he finished. I couldn’t help but blush a little. Why was Aaron so good at talking to my family?

“Are you a part of it?” Jennifer aggressively asked, as if she was trying to piece together the puzzle of what my life has been like for the last couple of months. I looked at Jennifer trying to not show her that I was sweating. “Yes, Pep. I am a part of Aaron’s band.”

“That is so dope,” Maryette added in, hitting Dennis on the arm. “Why didn’t we do anything cute like that when we were dating in college?”

“What were we going to do? Perform scenes of Withering Heights as The Bowery?” Dennis asked. Jennifer laughed at Dennis’ joke as Maryette rolled her eyes. It made Aaron laugh as well.

“Milo,” my mom called for Mr. Kamalani. “Is Milo a part of this band too?”

“Mom,” I quickly said, getting annoyed with all this Milo conversation.

“My other band members are some of my childhood friends,” Aaron began to explain. “We added Mollie just recently because she has a voice that fits our style of music.” Seriously, how is Aaron so good at this?

“Oh,” my mom nodded as she let the topic go. Thank God. I was surprised at Aaron’s ability to just take everything my family is saying and acting completely normal. Nothing was making him uncomfortable or having him look at me differently. It made me feel as if he was being more mature than the actual adults in this room. Everything was going well until Jennifer started the conversation again.

“Did you know that Mollie dances?” she asked Aaron. Aaron nodded his head, now talking to my sister.

“I did,” he said as he looked at me. “She was practicing in one of the rehearsal rooms one day and accidentally walked in on her–“

“Oh, were you practicing the routine for our next show?” Jennifer asked as she looked at me. I know exactly what you’re trying to do.

“Me being in Aaron’s band does not take time away from me dancing,” I spat out. “Rehearsals with the band are on Thursdays–“

“And dance rehearsal is Mondays and Wednesdays,” Jennifer added. She laughs to herself before she continues the conversation. “No wonder you’re practicing your extracurricular activity during your lunch period. Where do you even have the time to do your schoolwork?” I was growing annoyed at Jennifer. It very much felt my own sister was taking Milo’s side when it came to my relationship with Aaron.

“I get it done,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I was getting angry.

“Do you both even have time to spend with each other?” Jennifer asked, taking a sip from her wine glass. “With your extracurricular activities combined, I’m just surprised that you two even have time to get to know each other as a couple, not just band mates.”

“Mollie and I spend a lot of time hanging out these days,” Aaron tried to have control of the conversation. Sadly, he doesn’t know how stubborn my sister can be.

“Without talking about band stuff?” Jennifer asked Aaron. This was the first time tonight that Aaron looked flustered. I hate that Jennifer would do something like this.

“Well,” Aaron began to answer the question before I cut him off.

“Pep, why are you so concerned about what my boyfriend and I do in our quality time?” I asked, not caring if I was coming off as rude.

“I’m not,” Jennifer started to answer. “I’m concerned about your time management.”

“Oh because I don’t make it to every single dumb dance rehearsal you have?” I spat back at my sister.

“Mols,” Aaron tried whispering to me. It was too late; I was fuming already and completely defensive of my relationship with Aaron.

“That, and the fact that you both are in prestigious programs that require a lot of your time inside and outside of school,” she added, looking at Aaron. “Are you using Mollie just to up your band’s image?”

“What?” Aaron asked, completely off-guard.

“I’ve been in plenty of bands in my lifetime with boyfriends that used me just because I was a good vocalist and appealing to an audience,” Jennifer began to explain.

“Pep,” Mr. Kamalani tried to stop Jennifer from continuing.

“And it seems like every time I broke up with one of the boys, I was easily replaced by another girl that one of the guys in the band were dating.” Jennifer’s eyes darted at Aaron. “Respectfully, I am trying to protect my baby sis from those type of musicians.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” I got up from my seat, angry now. Aaron got up from his seat, grabbing my hand.

“Mols,” Aaron tried to get my attention. I couldn’t let this go.

“It’s exactly what it means,” Jennifer said, now getting up. Mr. Kamalani got up from his seat, trying to calm my sister down. “You’re putting so much of your energy on this band and forgetting about your other responsibilities without even knowing if you’ll stay in this band once after you both break up.”

“Peppie,” my mom tried to intervene in the conversation. She couldn’t let this go either.

“By all means Jennifer, that is not the case with Mollie,” Aaron chimed into the conversation now. “I didn’t scout Mollie into my band.”

“Scout?” Jennifer repeated. “So you scout your lead vocalists for your band?”

“Mollie has been the only girl we had as lead for our band, ” Aaron defended. I looked at Aaron, not knowing that fact about the band. I thought that Aaron and his band have had other vocalists come and go in their band and that it just didn’t work out in the end. I’m the first.

“Pep, just take it easy,” Maryette finally chimed in. “Let’s be lucky that she’s actually spending time with other people besides Milo these days–“

“Or at all,” Jennifer mumbled underneath her breath, looking at me as she did. I didn’t want to sit at the table anymore so instead of excusing myself, I got up and walked out.

“Mols,” Aaron ran after me, also excusing himself from the table. I quickly went out of the backdoor to the yard, no jacket or anything, just to get away from these people for one moment. It wasn’t long after that I heard Aaron call out my name. I turned around and saw him walk toward me with a sweater in his hand.

“Hey,” Aaron softly said as he handed me the sweater. I took the sweater from him thanking him for bringing it out here.

“I’m sorry about my sister,” I began to say. “Obviously I didn’t think she was going to be the problem.”

“She’s just doing what big sisters do,” Aaron added. “I didn’t take anything personally.”

“I did,” I said, finally turning to face Aaron. “Especially when she’s assuming things in the way they Milo did with us.”

“Milo doesn’t matter,” Aaron stated. “Your sister on the other hand does. If she has concerns, then let her have concerns. But your happiness is what she truly cares about.”

“It sometimes doesn’t feel like it,” I added, sighing afterwards. “I’m sorry–“

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Mols,” Aaron said, lifting my chin up with his hand. “You did nothing but welcome me into your family and that alone is hard for us to do.” He gently kissed me on my forehead, smiling once he did. “I appreciate it.” I couldn’t help but feel secure whenever I was with Aaron. This was the first time I ever felt this way about another human being, yet alone someone that I really liked. I don’t know how I was lucky enough to get Aarons attention all those months ago in vocal, now being able to kiss him and call him my boyfriend. And I; his girlfriend.

I kissed Aaron before getting up from the wooden picnic table in the backyard. Aaron held my hand as we walked towards the back door of the house. I immediately tugged his arm, directing it to the side of the house. He didn’t say anything, he just followed by lead. It was nice to have someone see me and listen to me when I needed someone to. Aaron seemed to almost be too good to be true.

That was until the night of our opening show at The Bowery.

— to be continued —

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 9: Forget About Something That’s Not There: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I took a deep breath before knocking on Sahim’s hotel room door. It feels like this is a first date all over again; this time, the nerves stem from a place of dishonesty. I didn’t want to be in this relationship and not be honest with Sahim; I didn’t want to repeat history again with him. Sahim deserves someone that’s honest and open and–

“Hey, Grace,” Sahim opens the door and smiles at me. I smile back, immediately giving him a hug. He pulls me into his room and closes the door behind us and begins to kiss me. I deepen this kiss, genuinely happy to see him after today. Shortly after, he pulls out from the kiss and looks at me.

“You must be so excited for dinner tonight,” Sahim teased me.

“Not as much as dessert,” I teased back, still my arms wrapped around his neck. He kisses me one last time before I walk away from him, setting my things down on the table. “It smells amazing in here.”

“Just a little something I put together,” Sahim commented as he walked back into the kitchen area. “Have you ever tried Nigerian food before?”

“I have not,” I answered, walking towards the kitchen area to watch Sahim cook. He turns around to lok at me and smile before going back to cooking. Ugh, he looks so good standing there.

“Well this dish in particular is Nigeria’s most popular,” he explained as he stirred the pot of food. “My mom taught me in hopes that one day I would cook it for someone special.” He laughed as I playfully sighed to his statement.

“How many girls did you tell this story to?” I teased.

“To the one that truly matters,” Sahim answered the question, completely avoiding the topic. He laughs as I nudged him on the shoulder. He grabbed me my the waist and went in for an innocent kiss. “Dinner should be done in a few.”

“I can’t wait,” I smiled as I looked at Sahim. “I’ve worked up quite an appetite.”

…

The candles were Sahim’s idea. As soon as he heard the rain come down, he wanted to add to the ‘romantic atmosphere‘ like how the movies do it. I couldn’t lie, Sahim was a visionary person; he has to be of his job was being behind the camera. I smiled as we sat quietly at his tiny kitchen table, eating the delicious dish he prepared for us.

“So how’s the dance coming along?” Sahim asked to start up a conversation. I let out a deep breath as I picked up my glass of water.

“Every time I think it’s finished, I go over it and still feel like there’s something missing,” I started to explain. “It’s frustrating. I create choreography for a living.”

“But this is choreo for you to dance to,” Sahim tried to reason with me. “Surely it should be easy to put together.”

“It’s not as straightforward as you’re putting it,” I crossed my arms, a little offended. “You don’t just ‘do it’.”

“I’m not saying it’s easy,” Sahim started to explain. “I’m saying it doesn’t need to be as hard as you’re making it. Your routine is most likely going to be just fine.”

“Just fine?” I repeated, a little annoyed at this point.

“Babe,” Sahim began to say. “I’m just trying to say to let your talent inspire you, not second guess yourself.”

“You can’t truly believe in that,” I scoffed at him. “You don’t just pick up your camera and think your first take is your best take.”

“Who says?” Sahim asked, getting up from his seat. He walks over to the other side of the room, grabbing a small crossbody bag from a side table. He takes out what’s in the bag, tossing it once he gets what’s out. His camera?

“Sahim,” I began to say, not knowing what his plan is. “What are you—“ Before I finish my sentence, he kneels down on one knee. I immediately panic in my seat, thinking this was the moment. Oh god, is this about happen?

“Grace,” Sahim began to say before I interrupted him. “Will you—“

“No!” I shouted, immediately covering my mouth afterward.

“… not look so close to the camera?” Sahim finished his question. I looked at him, confused. “You might break the camera with your beauty.” I couldn’t help but laugh and feel relieved that Sahim would pull a prank like this off. It wasn’t long after I noticed the flash go off once again. I looked at Sahim again. Flash. Flash. Flash.

“Sahim,” I said sternly. He quickly got up from the floor, showing me the screen to his camera. They were all pictures of what just happened.

“This one’s my favorite,” Sahim went to the next photo of the bunch. The photo was me sitting at the kitchen table, holding my glass of water. It looks like I had just turned my head in his photo; my hair was all going towards the same direction. I looked shocked, but not in a frightened way. It looks like Sahim had just told me the sickest burn or something. “This is what I mean when I say you have to believe in your skills, otherwise you miss out on moments like this.”

I looked back at the picture before he slowly moved my head so that my lips were close to his. He gently starts kissing me before it turns into a make out session. The kiss deepens, and I find myself being lifted from the kitchen chair and into Sahim’s arms. He sits down on the couch, putting me on top of him. We continued kissing until Sahim pulls back and looks at me. I couldn’t help but feel exposed in this moment.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing, it’s just…” Sahim started to say before he let out a deep breath. “You’re breathtaking the more I look st you.” I smiled, slightly blushing from his comment. Everything has been perfect with Sahim. We seem to have same focus-driven goals for our careers and in the long run found each other in the process. Sahim wasn’t like any man I dated before. He didn’t seem to bring his baggage from his family over into our relationship, and if he did have personal things in his life, he never let them reflect on the person he was when we were together. It was everything that I ever wanted in a partner, yet I still here with this unsettling wave of sadness. It’s not right, Grace. It’s not right that this man is here for you and you’re running off to go and spend time with–

“What’s wrong?” Sahim finally questioned as he looked at my face. I tried to quickly brush it off, hoping he didn’t notice too much of a change in my expression.

“Nothing,” I simply said, not wanting to explain any further.

“Grace,” Sahim began to say as he moved me off of him, sitting me down next to him on the couch. “Clearly something is on your mind.”

“It’s nothing, really,” I defended, not wanting to get any deeper in this conversation. “I just have a ton of stuff I had to do regarding the dance and things back home and–“

“Is that what you think of whenever we get together?” Sahim slightly teased, although it seemed like it was hurting more than he was leading on. I feel like the trajectory of this night was quickly spiraling down, and I felt bad knowing that it was my dumb, intrusive thoughts getting in the way of something so beautiful. It will hurt more the longer you ignore it, Grace. Sahim scoffs before he speaks. “I guess we just need to find new ways to keep your brain focused and occup–“

“I went hiking with Jamie earlier today,” I finally spat out, looking at Sahim. He looked at me first with this look of disbelief, but it quickly turn into annoyance once he realized I was telling the truth.

“You hung out with your ex today?” Sahim questioned.

“It wasn’t planned or anything,” I began to explain myself. “He simply invited me to go on this hike to help me distress from the dance production and–“

“So, let me get this straight,” Sahim shifted his body away from me on the couch, distancing himself. “You just stumbled upon your ex-boyfriend and decided to spend the day with him?”

“It’s not even like that, Sahim,” I started to explain myself. “There’s nothing going on with Jamie and I–“

“I didn’t say anything about something going on with you two,” Sahim emphasized as he crossed his arms along his chest. Fuck.

“You’re assuming that seeing my ex means that something is going on,” I continued to explain, trying to save face. “It’s hard to not be cordial with your ex when your cousin is marrying his best friend and–“

“Grace,” Sahim simply said as he got up from the couch. “I’m just not understanding why every time I’m not with you, it seems like you’re spending your free time with Jamie.”

“What? That’s not even true–” I began to say before Sahim quickly cuts me off once again.

“Grace, I see the way he looks at you,” Sahim further explained. “For fuck’s sake, he can’t keep his eyes off of you when you’re around.”

“He has a girlfriend,” I defended. “Maybe you’re misinterpreting his actions.” Sahim sharply turned his head to look at me.

“I saw him walk you to your hotel room the night I left your cousin’s game night early,” Sahim confessed. I remember the exact night Sahim was referring to. Jamie and Shawn had came back from being out all night at the bar; Shawn was clearly intoxicated without reasonable doubt. A night that was supposed to be about hanging with Sky before she left for Incheon turned into sitting in Jamie’s car getting a ride back to my place. I should’ve called Sahim to get me that night; maybe now I wouldn’t feel so guilty for letting something like this slide. You never told me the truth–“

“You should’ve said something when you got me coffee the following morning and told me that Aimee mentioned I was out late,” I turned it back on him, not appreciating him being honest with me about what he saw.

“I should’ve have to bring up something that you did, Grace,” Sahim explained, making a point. “If you weren’t over your ex, why did you agree to be in a relationship with me?”

“Because I am over Jamie,” I should up, looking at Sahim now. “Jamie and I haven’t been together for years. He’s around because of Shawn and Sky; nothing more, nothing less.” Sahim didn’t say anything, but he still didn’t seem convinced. I gently put the palm of my hand on his cheek, trying to reassure him that what I was saying was the truth. “Sahim, I’m in this relationship with you because I love you.” That was too easy to say out loud. “I know we aren’t perfect and our work schedules have made this difficult for us, but I wanted to tell you that I saw Jamie today with the intent that it was nothing more than a cordial hang out.”

“It’s about time your forgot about something that isn’t there, Grace,” Sahim finally commented. “I don’t know how Jamie feels about you, and quite honestly I don’t care. It’s up to you to put your foot down and remind yourself that there’s nothing else left there if you’re in a relationship with someone else.” Sahim walked away from me, starting to clean up the kitchen table of dishes from dinner. He walked into the kitchen, turning the faucet on to wash the dishes. I slowly walked over to Sahim, watching him wash the dishes.

Sahim was right. I was now in this relationship with him, and he’s made things feel so effortlessly while being with him. He’s protective of me, but not controlling. He’s understanding, but will not let certain things go unnoticed. I truly do love this man, but why does it seem like I’m only saying it in situations when I’m defending it to him?

I hugged Sahim from behind, reassuring him that I meant what I said. I do love him, and I want us to move forward from this without it affecting our relationship. Jamie and I’s relationship is history, and I needed to start focusing my energy on the relationship I have now.

“I love you,” I said one last time before calling it a night. Before I let go of his body, he turned around and looked down at me. I could see it in his eyes that there was hurt in them. He was falling in love with me rapidly, which was beginning to scare me. Things were eventually going to get serious with us, which means Sahim will most likely be around in more family gatherings and occasions. Jamie will be too if Sky and Shawn get married, and I don’t know if Sahim would be ever be okay with that. Would he put that aside for the sake of our relationship? Would I allow him to?

Sahim slowly leaned in for a kiss, this one was gentle and softer than the ones that came before. It was reassuring. It was security. It was–

“I love you too,” Sahim finally said. I smiled, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.

“So,” I sighed as I said, changing the conversation. “You wash the dishes and I go prepare dessert?” Sahim smiled at my flirty statement.

“That depends,” Sahim teased back, looking at me with low, sultry eyes. “What’s on the menu for dessert?”

“Me,” I said, kissing Sahim harder and slightly biting his lip in the process. Sahim quickly turns around and turns the water faucet off. I laughed as he swiftly picked me up, kissing me as he led us to his bedroom.

Because that’s what people in love do, right? They go and make love to each other, showing each other just how much they love each other?

Or is that just lust disguising itself?

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 8: Tape #34: Secrecy in the Bandroom.

liz

Milo walks into band class the day of the school trip for their showcase. Everyone is wearing their concert attire, getting ready to get on the coach bus and into the city. Milo looks around trying to spot the one person he’s eager to see. Of course, he is interrupted by Nicki, calling out from him across the room. Milo sighs, walking towards Nicki.

Milo: Hey, Nicki…

Milo notices Danny standing next to Nicki. He swallows his feelings to be cordial.

Milo: *to Danny* Hey, bro.

Danny nods his head, getting him back. Nicki is surprised at the interaction.

Nicki: Is it Groundhogs Day or something?

Milo: *confused* Isn’t that in February?

Nicki: *rolls her eyes* It’s a movie reference, meaning is today not actually a real day that is happening? *laughs* Since when do you say hi to Danny?

Milo: Ever since Pep told me that you two started to officially date.

Nicki’s face turns red.

Nicki: I know, I should’ve told you, but I figured it would be easier if Pep did. You’re not that hard on her when she’s telling you someone else”s business.

Milo: *laughs* I mean, you’re not wrong. But, I promised Pep that I would be nice to him in support of your decision. We’re all friends, and I should support you as one.

Nicki smiles and gives Milo a friendly hug. When they pull away, Milo notices Gwen walk past the teens. Nicki notices.

Nicki: Something tells me you were looking for Gwen.

Milo: *defensive* No, No… I uhm, just wanted to wish her good luck on the showcase today and–

Nicki: You mean the same showcase that you’re performing with her in? Pep told me Gwen was at the pizza place yesterday after school. She said that Gwen was giving off major attitude.

Milo: *rolls her eyes* More like Pep giving it to Gwen. I don’t know why she was even acting that way; Gwen and I are just friends and–

Nicki: Just friends?

Milo takes a moment to speak before he answers. Nicki sighs, already knowing the answer.

Nicki: Can I be honest with you about something, Milo?

Milo: *off-guard* Of course; we’re friends.

Nicki looks at Milo and sighs.

Nicki: I don’t want you to think that liking anyone else but Pep is some sort of crime.

Milo tries to laugh it off.

Milo: What? Where is this even coming from?

Nicki: I see the way you look at Gwen, Milo. And then I see this wave of regret all over your face once you realize that you’re waiting for someone that might not even see you the same way.

Milo doesn’t say anything back; he starts to feel embarrassed.

Nicki: I just don’t want you getting hurt every time she’s crushing on some new dude. One week it’s Charlie, the next week it’s Tony–

Milo: And this week it’s Nate?

Nicki doesn’t answer Milo’s question. It’s enough to confirm his suspicion. He sighs as he looks at Gwen, sitting alone at the other side of the room.

Nicki: I’m just trying to give you some clarity in this situation. Even if it’s Pep, you shouldn’t wait for her to come around if she only sees you as a friend.

Before Milo turns his head around, he gathers himself and outs on a smile; he only then turns around to face Nicki.

Milo: I’m fine, Nic. She’s not keeping me from being with anyone else. But, Gwen and I are truly just friends.

Nicki doesn’t say anything back, but chooses to believe her friend. Milo smiles before he changes the subject.

Milo: But speaking of my friend; I’m going to go and check on her.

Milo turns around and the smile quickly vanishes. He’s visibly hurt, but doesn’t want anyone to know. He walks towards Gwen, putting that same smile on his face.

Milo: *to Gwen* Hey.

Gwen looks up and rolls her eyes. She sighs loudly before she continues tuning her strings on her violin.

Gwen: Your charity work isn’t needed right now; thank you very much.

Milo: *confused* Charity work?

Gwen: *looks back up at Milo* Yeah, the work you do pretending to be my friend when you’re not near your real friends.

Milo sits in the seat next to Gwen; she looks at him baffled.

Milo: I’m not pretending to be your friend. I just told Nicki that–

Gwen: I’m not talking about Nicki. I’m talking about your other friend from the pizza parlor. The red head girl you were with?

Milo: *confused* Pep? I-I mean Jennifer?

Gwen: Yeah, her. Every time she comes around, it’s like you look at me like I’m some groupie for your band. I could care less about the bane that you are in, by the way.

Milo: *defensive* Well if you don’t care about my band, why even come out to support in the first place?

Gwen looks at Milo, visibly angry.

Gwen: Because I thought I was going to support my friend at his show.

Gwen gathers her things and gets up from her seat. Milo sighs before getting up himself, going after Gwen. Gwen exits the room and lets out a deep sigh. Shortly after, the door swings open; it’s Milo.

Milo: Gwen–

Gwen: Just leave me alone, Milo. Clearly you don’t value the friendship as much as I do, but that’s always the case with those in my life.

Milo: Gwen, I–

Gwen: I thought you were different. I thought that you had the same passion for the strings section as me, I thought you weren’t like the other dual majors at Waverly and was actually a humble and nice person. You’re worse than them, because at least they make it known that they are stuck up and snobby!

Milo: *defensive* Is that what you thought about me this entire time? Just some snobby dual majors that thought they were better than everyone else at Waverly?

Gwen doesn’t say anything. She stands there and looks at Milo. That’s confirmation in Milo’s book.

Milo: If that’s what you truly thought of me, then why didn’t you tell me to fuck off or something? Huh?

Gwen: *angry* You still don’t get it, don’t you?!

Milo: Get what?! Stop talking in riddles and just say what you want to say!

Before Gwen can get the words to come out, Mr. Harrison is calling out the students to get ready to exit the school for the school trip. Before Milo can turn around and talk to Gwen, she walks away with her stuff to get in line with the rest of the bandmates. Milo stands there and looks at her before he hears Nicki call his name.

Nicki: Milo!

Nicki brings him her stuff.

Nicki: Next time you leave your things with me to hold onto, I’m charging you by the minute.

Milo doesn’t react to Nicki’s words; he’s too focused on Gwen, watching her wipe her damp cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater.