The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Fact or Fiction: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I haven’t had the courage to talk to Sophie since the day of our performance. I felt like she was too embarrassed to talk to me too; I don’t blame her considering that her mother literally saw the devil in me when she grabbed Sophie away. I didn’t think her mom had a problem with me, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe she blamed me for something that Sophie did, or didn’t do; who knows at this point. Regardless, I wanted to give Sophie her space and wait until she felt like she was ready to finally talk to me. I didn’t realize that two weeks later, she still wouldn’t come and talk to me.

I watched Sophie as we rehearsed a piece in our band class, wondering how she will react when I finally go up and talk to her.

Once the bell rang and everyone began to pack their things, I waited for Sophie after class. I walked to her desk as she was putting her binder in her backpack. She looked up to see me standing there.

“Milo,” Sophie said in a slightly shocked tone.

“Hey, Scout,” I greeted her, wanting to make this interaction as comfortable as possible. “You want to rehearse in the West Wing today?”

“Sure,” Sophie simply answered, which I was surprised to hear. We both walked out of the classroom together and went to the West Wing.

…

“So, the piece we’re learning now,” Sophie began to say as she was taking her music binder back out. “There’s a section that seems to be confusing to me because of the major and minor chord changes—“

“Scout?” I said as I put my hand on top of hers, slowing her down. “Are you alright?”

“Of course,” Sophie faintly smiled, trying to mask everything. “So this piece—“

“You know you can still tell me anything, right?” I reassured her. “Like, you know I’m here to listen, right?” Sophie looked at me for a moment, not really knowing what to do or say next.

“I know,” she finally said. I leaned back, finally giving Sophie her space as she took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry for being radio silent the last couple of weeks. I didn’t mean to shut you out and when I did, I was nervous because I thought you didn’t want me to talk to you anymore.”

“Scout, that wasn’t even a thought I had,” I began to say. “I was worried about you, especially with what happened with your mom and—“

“I’m sorry that she spoke to you that way,” Sophie immediately said, as if she needed to get it off her chest. “She shouldn’t have took my mistake on you. She just assumes that other people–“

“Influence your decisions?” I finished her sentence. She simply nodded. I know how that feels. “I get it. Literally my parents think the same thing.” Sophie smiles, seemingly relieved that this went smoothly. I didn’t want to ask her what “mistake” she was referring to; I felt like anything was better to talk about than the one thing that she was stressed about for the last two weeks.

…

“Did you figure out what you’re going to perform for the dual major showcase?” Sophie asked me as we sat in the rehearsal room, tuning our instruments.

“Not yet,” I said, flipping through the pages of my music binder. “I feel like it’s so cliche to sing and play the drums; like I’m not in a band like that.”

“And you never wanted to be in one?” she asked.

“In a band?” I repeated as she nodded her head. “When I was younger, yeah, but that vision went away as I got older.”

“You’d be so cool in a band though,” Sophie mentioned. “Like, you have such a unique singing voice, your band would totally stand out from the others.” I smiled at her words; they made me feel warm inside.

“You’re just saying that,” I teased Sophie, getting close to her face as I did. I could see the wind being taken out of her breath when I did.

“I’m stating a fact,” Sophie said, pressing her finger on my forehead as she playfully pushed me back. “Seriously Milo, you should consider starting a band so that by the time you’re a senior, you’re this huge rockstar in Waverly.”

“Do you just want to see what it feels like kissing a rockstar or something?” I continued to tease her, missing our banter. I missed sitting this close to Sophie; even more so, I missed how her lips felt whenever I kissed her. I gently kissed Sophie on the lips, yearning for her touch. As I expected, her lips were soft and tasted like vanilla sugar.

“Now that’s fiction,” Sophie teased back, giggling as she tasseled my hair. She got up once the bell rang, ending our lunch period. This period always feels like it comes and goes in 15 minutes.

“Can you hang out after school or,” I drifted off, knowing the answer once Sophie looked at me. Still grounded, huh?

“You can walk with me to the bus stop; technically that’s not us hanging out after school,” Sophie said slyly, smirking at me. She was getting pretty good at doing this flirting thing with me; I was enjoying every minute of it.

“That is a fact,” I responded back, mimicking her early conversation. She laughed as we gathered our things, and went our separate ways for the rest of the day.

…

I have developed this habit of being one of the first kids to come to our vocal class; not because I was eager to come here, but because the West Wing was closer to the vocal room than the lunch room is. My dad was erasing the chalkboard when he saw me walk into the classroom.

“Hey, kid,” my dad said as he cleaned the chalk off of his hands. “You’re here earlier than usual; you usually have like 5 more minutes before you’d get here.”

“Sophie had to go to her next class,” I said as I took my binder out of my backpack. “She has a test today.” My dad didn’t say anything else; he just walked over to his desk and gathered some papers together.

“You guys were in the West Wing?” he finally asked as he started to sort out the papers. I rolled my eyes, knowing what he truly wanted to know.

“I was there practicing for the dual major showcase,” I said, looking up at my dad. “Sophie was there studying for her test. That’s fiction, Milo.

“I just asked if you were at the West Wing,” my dad scoffed, stapling pages of sheet music together for class. “I didn’t need the details–“

“Oh, like you weren’t assuming the worst,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I’m just saying, Milo; I was once your age,” he looked up as he spoke. “I know what boys your age do.” I think about kissing Sophie in the rehearsal room, realizing that’s something we tend to always do when we’re there. Fact, but I won’t let him know that. It wasn’t long after that Mollie walked into the classroom. I quickly glanced over at her, but looked back down at my binder. “Good Afternoon, Mollie,” my dad greeted her.

“Hi,” Mollie greeted back, sitting at her seat.

“Ready to learn a new piece today?” He asked as he began to put sheet music on each desk.

“Another new song? What, are we entering some never ending singathon or something?” I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself. Mollie and I don’t really speak to each other these days, but there was no doubt that she would say funny things out loud, especially if they were things we were all thinking.

“Oh, you think that’s funny too, Milo?” my dad said, crossing his arms along his chest.

“I mean, we do have enough songs to sing if we were ever invited to some charity stream raising a million dollars,” I added, slightly looking at Mollie. She wasn’t looking up from her desk, but I could see her smirking to herself when I spoke to my dad.

“Well, you want to be the best, you have to know all of the best music out there,” my dad said, finally handing me the sheet music we were learning today. I skimmed through the pages and my smile began to fade. I looked over at Mollie, now looking up from the desk and at my dad.

“Mr. Kamalani, are you serious?” Mollie finally said, holding tithe sheet music up. “What even is this?”

“It’s the song we are submitting to NYSSMA next month,” my dad answered, smiling. “Welcome to Waverly High vocal, guys.”

Misc., y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #37: An Odd Confinement.

liz

Milo sits alone in his usual booth in the pizza parlor, flipping through his binder of sheet music and a pencil in hand. He scribbles and erases on different parts of it, concentrating hard on his task. He’s taken back when he looks up momentarily and sees Gwen walk in, immediately spotting him.

Gwen: Hey.

Milo: Hey.

Gwen: *looks around* I’m shocked to see you here by yourself.

Milo: *scoffs* I’m not.

Milo sighs and continues to work in his binder. Gwen awkwardly stands there, watching Milo. Milo looks up, realizing Gwen is there.

Milo: You can sit with me if you’d like.

Gwen doesn’t say anything; she sits down in the booth with Milo, looking at his binder as he continues working.

Gwen: It seems like you’re really into what you’re working on. Is that for class?

Milo: *shakes his head* For the band… I don’t even know why I’m still working on this anyway, to be honest.

Gwen: Is it something that needs to get done?

Milo: *annoyed* Yeah, and only I give a shit about it whereas my bandmates just get to do whatever they want to do in their free time.

Milo notices his aggression when Gwen winces at his words.

Milo: Sorry. It was a rough day.

Gwen: I know… it’s why I came here in the first place; to check on you to see if you were okay.

Milo looks up at Gwen, surprised she would even do something like that for him.

Milo: You saw what happened today in lunch?

Gwen nods her head; Milo sighs.

Milo: Sorry you had to see that… Pep– I mean, Jennifer–

Gwen: I know that’s “Pep” to you.

Milo pauses before continuing.

Milo: Yeah. Pep can be a handful at times.

Gwen’s facial expression agrees with Milo, which makes Milo immediately retract his words.

Milo: I mean, she’s my best friend and her decisions are sometimes questionable–

Gwen: You mean you tell her you don’t like something she is doing and she ignores you?

Milo: *defensive* It’s not as simple as that.

Gwen nods, awkwardly looking toward the front window before she speaks.

Gwen: I don’t know Jennifer well, but from what you’ve told me about her and just seeing you guys argue in the lunchroom today, I can see how complicated your friendship can be with her.

Milo: *sighs* Pep always means well, but she has such a thick-skull and thinks she knows everything and goes into shit without thinking twice.

Milo leans forward, seeming more comfortable talking to Gwen about this.

Milo: I mean, if you were a part of a band, would you have gone to some random guy’s private studio to check it out, alone, not even knowing that his older brothers were there too?

Gwen: I mean, I would’ve felt comfortable if my bandmates went with me to check the space out in my opinion–

Milo: That’s what I’m saying! You know Nate Tobias, right?

Gwen: *recalls* Percussion guy with the curly hair in band?

Milo nods his head.

Milo: Apparently his brothers own this private studio and Pep went to check it out the day our ensemble had that performance. Like, she barely knows this guy but feels so comfortable agreeing to go see this studio space and gets mad at me when I call her out on her shit.

Gwen: And that’s what you guys were arguing about in the lunchroom today?

Milo: *nods* Pep is my best friend, but she makes being in a band with her really fucking difficult, especially when she feels like it’s her band just because she’s the face of the group. It was her idea to make Danny Campbell our drummer.

Gwen: *confused* Are you not friends with him?

Milo: Danny is Pep’s ex, and–

Before Milo continues, he’s hesitant about sharing personal information about Jennifer.

Milo: Let’s just say that he was a douchebag, and she just forgave him and then thought it was a brilliant idea to introduce Nicki to him and vote him into our band.

Gwen doesn’t say anything, she sits there and listens.

Milo: She’s my best friend, but I just wished she actually realized that her impulse decision-making affects the people around her.

Gwen: Have you thought about sitting down with her and actually telling her how you feel?

Milo: It’s literally hopeless. She thinks that everything that bothers me stems from jealousy or *air quotes* Me being a hater.

Gwen: *sighs* Milo, I say this as your friend, but you need to realize that you can’t control what Jennifer does. Those are her decisions to make, and thinking that you can persuade her into making decisions that you want her to make is just going to strain your friendship with her.

Milo: I’m not trying to control her–

Gwen: No, but you want her to make decisions that you want her to make.

Gwen smiles and leans forward toward the table.

Gwen: I’m not saying you can’t care for your friends; I know you care about them dearly, but people like Jennifer don’t want to change, and you have to be okay with that.

Milo: *annoyed* I’m not trying to change Pep–

Gwen: You’re trying to prevent her from changing, Milo.

Milo doesn’t say anything, he just sits there and looks at Gwen.

Gwen: I had a friend a lot like Jennifer back in junior high school. She was outspoken and social, but she always appreciated our friendship and found time for us to hang out. But, boys came into the picture, and she became this boy-crazed girl who forgot about her friends.

Gwen adjusts herself in her seat, visibly looking uncomfortable with the topic.

Gwen: Anyway, our hangouts went from every day to every other day, to barely once a week. We began growing apart and that was hard since that’s when I was first diagnosed with this.

Gwen points at her head, referring to her cancer diagnosis.

Gwen: The boy that she was crushing on had a crush on me. I didn’t believe he did, but I saw whenever I was with this friend, he was only interested in talking to me. That made her jealous, which led her to start bullying me.

Milo raises his eyebrows, not knowing this about Gwen. She sighed as she continues.

Gwen: It was horrific. She was my best friend, so her insults weren’t just your typical, generic ones. She cut deep and even took it upon herself to take my wig off one day when this boy came to talk to me. Shouted to the entire class about my diagnosis. It was humiliating.

Milo: I’m sorry you went through that. What happened after that?

Gwen: I was homeschooled for my 8th grade year.

Milo: *surprised* Wait, you didn’t go to another school?

Gwen shakes her head no. Milo is shocked.

Milo: So, you didn’t have, like, a senior trip or go to senior prom?

Gwen looks at Milo; he already knows the answer to his questions. Milo doesn’t say anything else until Gwen starts to talk again.

Gwen: I learned early on that if your friends change, there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. You can’t expect them to still be the version of themselves you know them as, and the more you try to change them back, the more hurt you get in the end.

Milo: Do you know where that girl is now, or–

Gwen nods her head and slightly smiles.

Gwen: The boy too. They date now and go to Waverly.

Milo: *eyes widen* Wait, what?! They go to our school?!

Gwen: *nods* I know you know Greg Stein from band–

Milo: Greg?!

Gwen reacts to Milo’s reaction to hearing Greg’s name.

Gwen: Yeah.

Milo: *in shock* If you’re talking about Greg, that means the girl you’re talking about is–

Gwen tightens her smile straight, sighing afterward.

Gwen: Diana Lopez.

Milo: *dumbfounded* Greg and Diana went to Beverly Junior High; they literally made me and Pep’s a living hell our senior year– *moment of realization* That means you also went to Beverly. What did you major in?

Gwen: Band. I was literally in the same band class as you.

Milo is taken back by the newfound information.

Milo: But, I would’ve known you, I would’ve–

Gwen: It’s fine, Milo. My point is that I tried so hard to change my friends back to what I knew them before, and it literally made me vow to not really make close friends like that ever again.

Milo: I mean, you’re friends with Nicki.

Gwen: She’s more of a bandmate than a friend. *smiles* I don’t spend recess gossiping with her in the schoolyard.

Gwen looks down at her hands, clearly in thought. Milo watches her before he catches her attention.

Milo: Well, people are missing out being your friend, because you’ve been a really good one to me.

Gwen looks up and smiles, appreciating Milo’s words.

Milo: And if I wasn’t so caught up in whatever it was back in Beverly, I would’ve definitely been your friend back then too.

Gwen: *smiles* Same here.

The two teens share a moment of silence until Gwen’s phone rings for a notification. She looks down at her phone, sighing before putting it back in her pocket.

Gwen: I have to go; my mom is waiting for me at the doctor’s office.

Milo: Is she okay?

Gwen: *corrects* It’s my appointment.

Milo gets the hint, nodding his head in understanding. Gwen gets up from the booth, gathers her bookbag and things, and begins to say her goodbyes.

Gwen: I’ll see you in school tomorrow–

Before Gwen walks away, Milo calls out for her.

Milo: Hey.

Gwen turns around.

Milo: Thanks for letting me confine in you.

Gwen smiles.

Gwen: That’s what friends are for.

Gwen turns back around and walks out of the pizza parlor. Milo watches her walk away from the place through the window. He clearly is now deep in thought about her.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 3

Through a Black Sheep’s Lens: A Micah Monologue.

liz

The door of Dani and Tanner’s apartment opens; Dani walks in first to turn on the lights. I walked in, looking around the home that she and Tanner made in this studio-sized college apartment. I closed the door behind me, taking off my jacket and putting on the rack with the other hanging coats and jackets.

“Jennifer knows you’re here?” Dani turns around to ask me. “I don’t need my mom spazzing out about how Jennifer is looking for you or some shit.”

“She knows,” I answered as I rolled my eyes, fighting sitting down on the couch. “She was the one that told me you guys had my equipment.”

“That shit is no joke,” Dani began to comment. “The fact that you carry that shit around for gigs is absolute insanity.” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself, not because it was funny, but she was absolutely right about the insanity part.

“That’s the life of DJ Salem,” I said, sighing afterwards. I haven’t even thought about music since the night of the party. If it wasn’t for me needing to finish this art project, I would’ve just left my stuff here at Dani’s. Knowing Dani, she would’ve nagged me about it taking up space in her apartment, and pleading for me to pick it up. Dani comes back to the living room and hands me a can of soda. “Thanks. For both the soda and or taking my equipment after… you know…” It was still so hard to really talk about that night; it seemed like it was hard for Dani to talk about it as well the way she was fidgeting with the can topper on her soda.

“Yeah,” Dani finally said, sighing as she looked up. “It’s nothing. We’re like family.” I nodded, agreeing with her. Dani was more like a sister to me than a friend growing up. She was around for all of the family functions with us; sure we grew up practically wanting to rip each other’s heads off, but she always valued our friendship and supported me when it was needed. “We are family.”

“Tanner would’ve never told you this because I told him not to, but that night really fucks me up when I think about,” Dani admitted. “Like… seeing Rosie laying there was fucking scary. I thought I was looking at a dead body, Micah.”

“I know,” I quickly said, trying to cut Dani off. “I’m sorry for having to put you and Tanner through that.” There was a noticeable silence after that; it was like we didn’t know what to do or say to even continue without addressing the huge elephant in the room. “She’s gonna be okay–“

“Are you okay?” Dani abruptly asked, looking at me now. “Like, seriously dude. You’re worried about Tanner and I as if you didn’t go through this horrific shit.”

“I’m fine,” I simply answered, trying to not worry Dani any more than she already is. Dani looks back down, fidgeting with the nail polish on her nails. She sighed as she got up and walked out of the room. I let out a deep breath, letting out the intensity of this conversation out of my body. I wanted nothing more than to just move forward and leave this shit behind, but I understand the impact it has left, especially with Dani.

I looked up as Dani reentered the room; this time she was holding my backpack with my equipment in it. I get up, helping her gather my things.

“Thanks again,” I said, opening the bag to check if everything was in there. Dani watches over me as I do so. I looked up at Dani again, noticing she still had her hand out with something else in it. I immediately felt my stomach knot up, haunted by the sight. “Is–“

“It’s Rosie’s camera,” Dani finally said, handing it to me. “I saw it on the sidewalk going back to her place and picked it up. I didn’t want anyone to steal it or something.” I slowly took the camera from Dani, analyzing it intently. It seemed like Dani tried to clean the dirt off of it from being on the ground that night. This has to be triggering some PTSD type shit.

“Thanks,” I said, not knowing what else to say. As I gathered my things to get ready to leave, Dani just stood there, watching me. I was used to Dani making snarky comments about everything, and by this time we would’ve had a screaming match of insults with each other. Dani wasn’t being herself; she seemed uncomfortable and quiet. She was definitely in her head with the million thoughts spinning with her. “Dani?”

“You know, for someone that was nearly beaten to death and thrown in bookings for a night, you sure are so fucking nonchalant about it,” Dani finally spat out, seeming angry now. “Like sure; I know you don’t care what happens to you–“

“What do you want me to say, Dani?” I spat back, now defensive. “What is there to possibly say? It happened, and I’m trying to move on from it–“

“Like I said,” Dani yelled to interrupt me. “Maybe you don’t care about what happens to you, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t either.”

“I know, Dani–”

“No, you fucking don’t!” she finally snapped. Her voice echoed the tiny apartment, also piercing through my ears. “You think you know when you don’t! Do you even know the shit I had to go through seeing you laying on the ground with a busted up lip and eye, un-fuckin’-conscious?! Do you know how much damage that shit caused? I couldn’t sleep for days, Micah! I couldn’t stop crying because I had no fucking idea if you were even going to get out of jail that night!” Dani began to cry, feeling frustrated afterwards.

“Dani,” I grabbed her and hugged her tight as she sobbed into my chest. I felt horrible being the reason for Dani’s anxiety lately. Dani wasn’t the type to ever show how she felt, especially with me. She always tried to be this tough chick, but I knew that deep inside there was some softness in her. It wasn’t often that she would break down like this, and quite frankly it’s been a long time since the last time she did.

“Hey,” I finally said, gently pulling Dani to look at her. “I appreciate you looking out for me, and I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m… doing okay. I’m going to be okay.” Dani nodded her head as she quickly wiped her eyes, finally calming down. She took a deep breath before she said anything.

“If you tell Tanner about this, I will kick you in the balls,” Dani said, grabbing the sleeve of her sweater to wipe her face dry. I couldn’t help but laugh. There’s my Dani.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something the Darkness Once Stole: A Dual Monologue.

liz

When I first met Haram, I wasn’t looking to be in another relationship. I was attending an event at my niece’s school for Chuseok, and Haram was one of the coordinators for the event. The kids loved her; she barely had a moment to talk to any of the parents after the event.

“Ya,” Mina nudged me on the shoulder. “You should go and talk to her.”

“Am I here to support Aeri, or pick up women?” I asked, getting red in the face. Mina laughed as she shook her head.

“She’s not Aeri’s teacher,” Mina explained. “She’s one of the teachers that puts these events together for the parents and children.” I looked at Haram, admiring how classic of a beauty she truly was. “Plus, she’s really pretty.”

“Ya,” I sucked my teeth as I reacted. Mina started to laugh, holding Aejeong in her arms and walking away from me. Moments later, Aeri comes running up to me, nearly almost tripping over her hanbok.

“Aeri-ya,” I greeted my niece, hugging her as she ran into my arms. I picked her up to see the picture she had painted in her class. “So pretty!” It wasn’t after that the girl I was looking at from across the room came up to me, smiling as she saw me with Aeri. Aeri was the first one to say something, waving to her.

“Haram seonsaengnim,” Aeri called out. Haram. Unique.

“Hi, Aeri,” she looked at Aeri before looking at me. “Who is this man with you?”

“I’m her uncle,” I answered, bowing politely. “I’m Jaemin.”

“Jaemin,” Haram repeated as she smiled. “I’m Haram.” I smiled at her, feeling something completely foreign. It was like talking to this woman made me feel some sort of warmth, and light after years of traveling to and from America. She was your traditional naive Korean women; sophisticated and carried herself in a way that was common for Korean women. It makes sense why Mina wanted me to talk to her in the first place.

…

“Haram,” I spoke into the phone, pacing back and forth in front of her apartment outside of my car. “Are you ready yet? We have to be at Shawn’s place by 6.”

“Jaemin,” Haram mimicked my tone of voice. “Give me two minutes; I am trying to find the right purse for my outfit.” I rolled my eyes, hanging up the phone as I waited for her. Most of the time, Haram and I were late to things because she always had to show up fashionably late. My phone began to ring again, and immediately picked up after seeing it was Shawn.”

“We’re on our way,” I quickly said, knowing he’s probably panicking about of anxiety for tonight’s dinner. “Haram’s still getting ready.”

“Jamie, being late to an event? That’s unacceptable,” Shawn teased. “Hurry up, Hyung; you’re the only one left.”

…

Shawn hanged up the phone and turned around to face us and Skylar. “He’s running a little late.” Skylar rolled her eyes and sighed. “His girlfriend needed some extra time.”

“It’s fine,” Skylar said, getting up from the couch. She looked over at Sahim and me and smiled. “You guys want something to drink? We have Soju–“

“Soju?” Sahim immediately questioned.

“Alcohol,” I chimed in, clearing up his confusion. Skylar went to the kitchen and opened the small bottle of Soju, followed by grabbing a couple of shot glasses from the cabinet.

“You want to try some?” Skylar asked Sahim. Sahim looked hesitant at first, looking at me before answering.

“No, no; it’s fine,” Sahim answered, leaning back in his seat.

“Sahim,” I said as I put my hand on his lap. “It’s okay. Plus, this is Sky and Shawn’s last few hours left in Ulsan before heading back to America. Let’s enjoy the night.” I looked at Skylar and Sahim, who are now looking at me confused. “What?”

“You’re sober, Grace,” Skylar mentioned, pouring two shot glasses of Soju for her and Sahim. I watched the Soju hit the shot glass as she poured, smelling the alcohol come from the bottle. I had been sober even before coming to Korea, but I always felt left out in certain festivities as drinking is such a social thing to do. It made me wonder if I was able to even handle just a tiny shot of Soju. It was tempting, especially now that we are gearing towards the end of the production and being in Korea. “Babe, do you want a shot?” Skylar asked as Shawn came into the room, immediately shaking his head.

“I’m seriously never drinking again,” Shawn protested. I could relate, thinking about the night that he came back with Jamie completely wasted. Skylar shrugged her shoulders, handing the shot glass to Sahim while holding hers up.

“Here’s to being the fun ones in our relationships,” Skylar joked around, taking the shot with Sahim. He winced, chugging the shot down. Skylar also winced at the strong taste. “Yeah, you don’t want none of this.” I rolled my eyes when the bell of the front door began to ring. Shawn went to go answer it, greeting Jamie at the door.

“Hyung!” Shawn happily said as he hugged Jamie. Jamie walked into the apartment, followed by his girlfriend. I felt Sahim getting tense in his seat. He leaned to grab the bottle of Soju, pouring himself another glass of Soju.

“Another shot?” I pointed out to Sahim. “We didn’t even eat yet.” Sahim didn’t say anything, he just started at Shawn and Skylar greet the other couple that entered the room. Both Sahim and I got up from our seat, bowing to greet Jamie and his girlfriend.

“Nice to see you both again,” Jamie’s girlfriend, Haram, greeted us. She looked at me and quickly turned around, facing Jamie as she held his hand. That’s weird.

“Come sit,” Shawn finally said, escorting the couple into the living room area. “Hyung mentioned that you were fashionably late again, Haram.”

“Jaemin!” Haram playfully hit Jamie on the arm before turning back around towards Shawn and Skylar. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for us to be so late.”

“Girl, relax; it’s fine,” Skylar playfully told Haram. Haram didn’t react to Sky’s comment, she just turned around and spoke to Shawn with Jamie by her side. I didn’t realize that Haram was holding Jamie’s hand the same way that Sahim was holding mine. Did Jamie tell her about me? Why does it even matter if he did or not?

“So Haram,” Sahim started to say. I nervously looked at him, hoping he wasn’t about to say something smart to her. “I didn’t get the chance to formally introduce myself last time.” He held out his hand and introduced himself. “I’m Sahim; Grace’s boyfriend.”

“It’s nice to formally meet you,” Haram said as she shook his hand. “Are you also here from America?”

“I am,” Sahim answered. “I work in the Ulsan production; behind the scenes.” Haram nodded her head, looking at Jamie before turning back toward us.

“Oh, is that how you met Grace?” Haram asked, smiling to seem polite. I didn’t say anything; I felt exposed and wanted nothing more to hide under a rock. Sahim nodded his head, smiling as he looked at me.

“She’s one of the dancers in the production,” he began to explain. “I may be biased, but she’s the best dancer in the production. She has her own solo in the show and everything.” Haram kept nodding her head to the point where I didn’t know if she even understood anything he was saying.

“Fascinating,” Haram said and smiled, looking back at Jamie as Jamie looked at me.

…

I couldn’t stop looking at Grace, and see the absolute worry on her face. Sahim holds her close to him, protecting her as if she needed a man to actually do that. Buddy, she’s the better person in your relationship to protect you being in this foreign country. Haram held me close to her; it was understandable considering she knew about my past with Grace. She wasn’t ever this insecure in a room with an ex of mine, even seeing Seohyun with Lia a couple of months ago didn’t bother her as much as seeing Grace did.

“I remember seeing you in the show,” Haram said to Grace, of course smiling as she did. She was trying to kill Grace with kindness. It was a very ‘Haram’ thing to do. “I almost didn’t recognize you without your costume and makeup on.” There it goes. Grace laughs it off, nodding her head without saying anything else.

“Haram,” I finally said, giving her a break from speaking. “Would you like a drink?” I leaned forward to grab the Soju on the table.

“Thank you, babe,” Haram said, touching my shoulder as I leaned back to her. I looked at Sahim, noticing his glass was also empty. “Would you like another shot?”

“Sure,” Sahim simply said, holding out his glass. I didn’t say anything to Grace, knowing that she was sober.

“Grace, would you also like a drink?” Haram asked her. Skylar immediately intervened, overhearing the conversation.

“She doesn’t drink,” Skylar mentioned. Haram looks up at her before continuing the conversation. I knew Haram did not like Skylar, but she was making it extremely known that she didn’t. Haram laughs before she starts speaking again.

“How did you even survive being in Korea this long?” Haram teased as she took the glass from me. “Not drinking in Korea makes you stand out even more like a sore thumb.”

“Haram,” I whispered to her, trying to get her to be nice. While Haram was somewhat right, she failed to mention that she doesn’t go out to many events because she, herself, isn’t able to handle her alcohol well either.

“You’d be surprised at all of things I’ve been able to do in Korea without alcohol,” Grace spat back and smiled.

“I guess your job has an itinerary of all the things foreigners can do while living here,” Haram mentioned, pouring more Soju into her glass.

“Haram, that’s enough,” I try to take the glass away from her, spilling some of the Soju on her dress.

“Dude,” Sahim chimed in, handing napkins to Haram to wipe down her dress.

“Thank you, Sahim,” Haram says as she wipes her dress. “Now I’m going to reek of alcohol all night.”

“I mean you’re in Korea, aren’t you supposed to smell like it at a social event?” Grace said underneath her breath.

“Babe,” Sahim turned around, scolding her. “That’s not nice.”

“And what was said to Grace was?” I spat back, sick and tired of hearing Sahim speak the way he did to Grace. Sahim turned around to face me once again.

“Let’s squash it, okay?” Grace said before Sahim had the chance to speak. She started getting up from her seat. “Sahim, I’m going to get us something to eat.” She started walking to the kitchen. Skylar follows after her cousin.

…

“Yo,” Skylar said as she entered the kitchen. She placed her glass of Soju on the counter next to us. “You’re okay?”

“I’m just trying to get through the night so that I don’t ever have to see Haram again,” I confessed. “It’s like she knows I’m his ex or something.”

“The way that Sahim knows Jamie’s your ex?” Skylar rationalized. “I don’t know what the hell is going on with the four of you, but Haram and Sahim are acting real insecure out there.”

“Sahim isn’t insecure,” I quickly defended my relationship. “He’s just being–“

“An overprotective boyfriend that’s drinking his stress away?” Skylar interrupted. “Listen, I don’t need a fight breaking out because Sahim and Haram feel the need to chug down a whole bottle of Soju to get through the night–“

“I told Sahim that I spent the day with Jamie a couple of weeks ago,” I admitted for the first time to Skylar. She looked at me like I was some supernatural force of some sort. She blinked, trying to piece the words of the sentence together.

“What?” Skylar asked, seeming to be the only word see had to say.

“It wasn’t anything serious,” I tried to reasonably explain, but I knew it was already too late. Skylar already has her mind made up.

“What were you even doing out in the middle of nowhere with your—“ Skylar let out a frustrated sigh. “Grace.”

“Look, we’re just trying to put our differences aside so that we can at least be cordial in social events for the sake of you and Shawn.” I was really trying to convince her that it wasn’t a big deal, but Skylar knew exactly what to ask next.

“Two things, and then I want to squash this bullshit and go back inside,” Skylar sternly said, taking a breath in between before asking what she need to ask.

“Whatever,” I reacted, trying to play this conversation off as a silly one.

“First things first,” Skylar started to say. “If the hang out wasn’t anything serious, then why did you feel so guilty enough to even tell Sahim?” First shot blown. “Secondly, if you were so over your ex, then why are you keeping your ‘cordial hangouts’ a secret from us?” Second wind.

“Sky?” Shawn called out as he walked into the kitchen. He sees me standing there, but quickly turns his head to Skylar. “You want me to set up for dinner or—“

“Yeah, no; we’re doing this the correct way,” Skylar began to say as she started to grab the trays of food from the counter. “We got Miss Korea sitting in our damn dining area.” Shawn shook his head at her comment, knowing it was classic Skylar talk. I stayed behind, pondering on Skylar’s questions. She had a point; I felt extremely guilty if I didn’t tell Sahim, but if it was truly just trying to be cordial with Jamie, why didn’t I tell him sooner? You’re stupid for thinking anything else, Grace.

There was something about Jamie that I didn’t quite understand. Something about his meetings felt familiar and secure, despite our complicated past. All I wanted was for Jamie to forgive me for what I did when we were together; to understand the decision behind it. A part of me feels like he has, and that’s why he’s able to just coexist in my world. Maybe he’s solely just being nice to me and doesn’t feel anything for me. But I know Jamie. I know myself. Jamie was truly the one that got away. The something that the darkness once stole.

I didn’t remember how I got here; all I know is that I had Skylar’s drink in my hand, chugging the glass down before she came back for it. It had been so long I tasted alcohol; it was bitter, and it burned the back of my throat. It made me breathe easier, rolling the stress and sadness off of my body and created this layer of numbness, causing me to not feel things anymore. I just wanted everything to stop. I just want my mind to be quiet for a bit. I want to stop thinking about my family, this production, Sahim, my fucking future in this career choice–

I unscrewed the top of the soju bottle and began to chug down the little of it that was left on the counter.

And Jamie.

…

“Grace?” I walked into the kitchen and froze in place. I saw Grace at the counter, holding the bottle of Soju to her lips, drinking what was left of it. What did you do, Grace?

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

29-Year-Old Liz, This is For You.

liz

Hey, girl.

It’s kind of crazy to think just how fast time flies. It’s kind of crazy that there was a point in your life when you were juggling all of these different things in your life, and how quickly those things were able to play themselves out. I remember how I felt during that important time in your life; feeling like it was never going to end or it was going to end in a way that would’ve been detrimental to my mental health. Not gonna lie, that was a hard fucking time for you, and even as 31-year-old Liz, we are so proud of you for coming out better than before in the end.

We both know why we’re writing this. It’s still fresh enough for us to remember, and maybe more talking about it in therapy is needed in hopes to one day go through a month of February without having this lingering thought of what my life used to look like. I don’t miss it, and I know you wish you never had to live through it, but somehow it was needed for us to understand why it had to happen in the first place.

One thing’s for sure, is that you made it out of it and we are here because of it.

Despite the outcome and how everything transpired, we are now in a place where we can reflect without resentment, or feeling any emotion that triggers negative cognition in any way possible. We’ve grown to not hold grudges (you held on to them like your life depended on it before) and we’ve learned that sometimes, it hurts more to hold on to things than to let them go. You always fight to hold onto things because you would see the good in everything and everyone. We’ve grown to learn that’s not always the case. We’ve grown to learn that sometimes, that ideology even applies to you.

Since then, we’ve done a lot of work in hopes that we would figure this whole “life” thing out. The good thing is that we did; we are undoubtedly living the best years of our lives. The bad thing is that we have reached that part of our lives where we’ve put those old worries and anxieties to rest, and now have new ones that we are unfamiliar with. I like to call them the ‘double As’: Adulthood anxieties.

Regardless, your work has not gone unnoticed. Your work to bettering yourself is why we are in the place we are in now, and that we are able to move forward towards the things that we should be focusing on at this age. I understand where you came from when you were scared and afraid of making these decisions for a better life; I am now battling a new level of those decisions being 31 years old. I am still scared, and I am still uncertain how I am going to overcome these fears, but I know I am capable of doing so because I lived to see you do it at 29.

29, you will always be such an important year of my life, and I fear that your courage, bravery, and drive to be a better person can only happen if something traumatic happens again. I don’t want to have to lose more people in order to make room for me to grow. I don’t want to feel like I have to strip my entire identity just to discover a new one. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m lost in society again because the things that defined me are not applicable anymore. I know your shaking your head, not wanting to tell me that isn’t possible because you also feared these things when going through your rough time in life as well.

29, you will forever be iconic for doing some of the things that 18, 24, and even 26 couldn’t even do. At 31, you inspire me to always go for it, despite being scared to, because you’ve shown me that we will always make it out of it being better than before.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #36: Bummer Buddies Brawl.

liz

Nicki and Danny walk hand-in-hand in the lunchroom towards the groups’ usual table. She stops in front of it when seeing Milo and Jennifer sitting there, looking bummed out.

Nicki: *nervous* Hey, guys.

Milo & Jennifer: *monotone* Hey.

Nicki looks up at Danny, and Danny looks down at her. He clears his throat before anything else.

Danny: I’m going to practice in the West Wing for class; I’ll see you guys later. *to Nicki* Bye, babe.

Milo and Jennifer look shocked after Danny’s “babe” comment.

Nicki: Bye.

Nicki turns back around to see Milo and Jennifer staring her down.

Nicki: What?

Milo: “Babe?”

Nicki: It’s a nickname–

Jennifer: For a girlfriend.

Nicki doesn’t say anything. Jennifer sighs, adjusting in her seat.

Jennifer: Must be nice to have someone actually like you for you and not judge you for your past.

Nicki, confused, is speechless at first.

Nicki: Thank you?

Milo: I agree; it must feel good to have someone actually not think you’re this big, bad villain of some sort.

Jennifer: Right? Like I’m sorry I’m not this perfect human being that can always meet your perfect expectations all the time!

Milo: Exactly! Like don’t make me out to be this mean and nasty person when really you’re just reading into things too much!

Jennifer: Dude, finally! Someone who just gets it!

Milo smiled slightly, looking at Jennifer as she spoke.

Nicki: *uncomfortable* Okay… I guess things have been… challenging for the both of you.

Jennifer: *to Nicki* Boys just suck, that’s it.

Milo looks at Jennifer, confused to what Jennifer was talking about.

Nicki: What happened?

Jennifer: I met up with Nate to see the rehearsal space for these next couple of practices–

Milo: *interrupts* Wait, what rehearsal space?

Nicki and Jennifer looked at Milo.

Jennifer: *sighs* I went out with Nate this past weekend to check out his studio space.

Milo: *concerned* By yourself?

Jennifer: *annoyed* Why wouldn’t I? You were busy doing your band class crap–

Milo: You mean my performance–

Jennifer: Whatever. *looks at Nicki* Anyway, Nate had his brothers there, you know the ones in his band?

Milo: *annoyed* You were by yourself with three other guys?

Nicki and Jennifer turn their heads to look at Milo. Jennifer, visibly annoyed, turns her entire body toward him.

Jennifer: Yeah, and what about it?

Milo: *growing angry* The fact that you’re alone with three dudes that you barely know wasn’t a concern for you?

Jennifer: What, you think I was gonna let them “gang-bang” me or something?

Milo furiously gets up from his seat, grabbing his stuff from the table.

Nicki: Pep!

Jennifer: What? It sounds like Milo is implying that I would just let any cute, random guys bang me—

Milo: Do you even have a fucking brain in that thick skull of yours?! You don’t know Nate. He sings a couple of lines in vocal and you just fucking swoon for him—

Jennifer: *gets up* No, you don’t know Nate, and think every guy with an instrument in their hand also has their other hand up my skirt or something!

Nicki: *nervously* Guys, please—

The bickering is now causing the lunchroom to look in Milo and Jennifer’s direction.

Milo: I don’t have to know a guy to see that they invited you to his private rehearsal space, alone, without the rest of the band, just to check out the place—

Jennifer: And clearly you don’t know me to see that I wouldn’t just let some guy take control over me like that—

Milo: You did once, what’s not a second time?

Jennifer slaps Milo across the face, which now has the lunchroom rowdy in excitement. Milo holds the spot on his face where Jennifer slapped him.

Milo: *in shock* Did you really just fucking slap me?

Jennifer: Fuck you, Milo! You’re just jealous because every girl that you ever liked never liked you back! Get over it and stop projecting your insecurities onto me!

Milo walks up to Jennifer, sizing her up. He wouldn’t hit her, but he’s also fuming in anger for what she said.

Milo: So that’s how you feel, huh?

Jennifer: Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?!

The two teens continue to yell at each other before two of the lunch aides break up the fight. One of them takes Milo in one direction, the other takes Jennifer outside of the lunchroom. Jennifer is still shouting as she gets escorted out, Milo puts his hands up for the lunch aide, letting her know he’s fine.

Milo looks at Nicki, sitting at the lunch table with her hand on her head. She shakes her head before looking back up at Milo.

Nicki: Why didn’t you just let her speak, Milo?

Milo: *defensive* Am I the only one that cares about Pep’s well being whenever she’s out doing crazy shit?

Nicki: *upset* Milo! She’s not yours to protect!

Milo and Nicki stare at each other momentarily. Milo knows what Nicki meant by that.

Milo: She’s my best friend, I’m suppose to look after her—

Nicki: If you don’t drop your feelings for Pep, you’re going to end up ruining your friendship with her.

Nicki walks away from Milo, leaving him alone in the lunchroom. Everyone goes back to their tables after the fight ends, and Milo is left standing there. He grabs his things and decides to leave the lunchroom for the day. As he passes the table closest to the exit, he notices Gwen sitting there, looking at him.

She definitely just witnessed this whole mess go down.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 3

Black Sheep Amnesia: A Micah Monologue.

liz

It felt like nothing happened when I got back to school that following week. Sure, I had a shit ton of work to make up in the week that I was out, but everything else seemed as if the world kept on going without a care in the world. It was weird, to say the least.

The only thing that was different was that Rosie wasn’t in her usual space, waiting for our Art History class in the hallway of the Arts building. She was never late, and only was ever absent whenever she felt sick. When it came to her art classes, she made sure to make them to all. Today, she wasn’t there, and I only knew that because of the week before.

I had tried to visit Rosie in the hospital during the week, but her guardian made it nearly impossible for anyone to visit her. I don’t blame him; he doesn’t know anyone that Rosie associates with, which means he could think I’m Prescott for fuck’s sake.

After our art class–the one where Rosie would normally sit next to me–our professor called me up to his desk once the rest of my classmates were dismissed.

“Micah,” Professor Ross began to say. He sighed as he crossed his hands on op of his desk. “I was informed this morning that Rosie will not be returning to class for the rest of the semester.” Something told me that was going to be the case. I know this is was a decision made against her will. “Because the project is set to be due in just a couple of weeks, I will allow an extension for you to wrap things up on your end so that you are able to earn a final grade for the project.” I nodded my head as I left the classroom, sighing at the realization that this time was different. I really hope Rosie is okay.

“Micah!” I hear Dani’s voice shout across from the library. The librarian at the front desk shushes her, in which Dani ignores her and walks toward me. Tanner is seen apologizing to the librarian on Dani’s behalf. The usual.

Dani and Tanner walked up to my table, sitting on the chairs across from me.

“Dude, you actually made it to school this week?” Tanner asked. I nodded and sighed as I closed my binder.

“I couldn’t afford to miss any more classes,” I began to say, scanning the library as I did. Micah, she’s not coming. “Plus, I was just told by my Art History professor that the project me and Rosie were working on now needs to be done by myself.” I looked at them; I wasn’t surprised that they seemed uncomfortable when I mentioned her name.

“How is she doing?” Dani was the first to ask. I shrugged my shoulders, being very nonchalant with the topic.

“I don’t know,” I began to answer. “Her FBI agent guardian had her hospital room on lockdown and didn’t let anyone see her.”

“That’s suspicious,” Dani commented. “It’s not like she’s the Queen or something–“

“Dani,” Tanner nudged her on the shoulder. I looked at Dani, feeling bothered by her comment.

“Who the fuck knows what she told him abut her life in college,” I spat out. “Maybe she’s kept her whole life a secret and anyone that he doesn’t know is considered a threat to her safety.”

“I think it’s shitty that someone that suppose to know her and her life doesn’t even know her friends,” Dani continued to comment. “You would think that in situations like this, he should know who’s there for her and who’s not.”

“You don’t know Rosie,” I stated, stern and loud. Dani took a moment to just look at me, as if she was trying to find answers in the facial expression I had on my face. As usual, Tanner tries to diffuse the tension between Dani and me.

“I think Dani is just questioning your friendship with Rosie,” Tanner added. I looked at him, feeling even more annoyed and confused now. Not helping dude.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I questioned, looking at both Dani and Tanner. “Well?”

“We saw you at the party with her,” Dani finally spoke up. “You guys were… close.”

“We were dancing,” I defended, knowing exactly what Dani was talking about.

“Nah, you guys had some fuck me eyes on,” Dani bluntly said. “You see her more than just a friend.” I immediately shook my head.

“Absolutely not,” I quickly said, trying to dismiss the discussion. “She’s not my type—“

“Bullshit,” Dani spat out, leaning toward the table. “And something tells me her little relationship with that rich boy is the reason why she didn’t tell her guardian about you—“

“Fuck off, Dani,” I said as I slammed my hand in the table. It made Dani jump in place; she wasn’t expecting me to react like that.

“Alright, alright; let’s chill out,” Tanner intervened again. “How you tried calling or texting her?” He asked me.

“Out of service,” I sighed as I answered, leaning back on my chair. “Guess it’s what’s best; Prescott doesn’t have any contact with her.”

“Is he getting charged for aggravated assault?” Tanner asked. I didn’t answer, not because I didn’t know the answer, but because I knew what the answer was going to be. Tanner got the hint and sighed. “That’s fucked up.” I shook my head, trying to get the image of Rosie in the alley out of my mind. I took a deep breath and let it out, getting up from my seat.

“Watch my stuff, I’ll be back,” I said, walking away from the table.

“Where are you going?” Dani turned around and asked.

“I need some air,” I said, not turning back.

…

I immediately walked out of the library and swallowed the bile that came up, thinking about Rosie’s condition. It nearly killed me not knowing what was going on with Rosie, and it saddened me knowing that the last image I have of her is the one her laying face down in the dirt, unconscious and bloody. The image couldn’t erase itself from my mind, and eventually I felt sick to my stomach.

“Roe,” I said in Rosie’s ear as the music played loudly at the party. She turned around, now facing me and dancing. “Who taught you like to dance like that?”

“I’m Puerto Rican,” Rosie explained. “We were naturally born with these hips. She placed my hands on her hips as she danced, hypnotizing me with the moment of her hips. She was hot, she was sexy, and I wanted nothing more than to–

Rosie stopped dancing once her phone vibrated in her pocket. She quickly took it out and looked at her screen. Her face had completely changed in the process.

“Roe,” I said to Rosie, which made her immediately lift her head up. “Everything’s okay?” She smiled and nodded, starting to dance in place as she spoke.

“I’m going to take some more photos and talk to some of my friends,” she smiled as she said. I watched her walk away before returning to the DJ booth, playing the next song.

I should’ve went with her. I should’ve just stayed by her side and protected her and have been there for her. My head starts to spin, and the image of Rosie in the alley keeps popping up in my head, scarred into it at this point. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and ultimately threw up in the bush next to the library building. Sick. Angry. Defeated. Worried.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Two Somethings At Once: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I was blanking out in space in the middle of rehearsal. Not only did I have this solo replaying in my head for when it was time to practice it, but I have tonight’s dinner with Shawn, Sky, and course; Jamie and his girlfriend. I tried to not dwell on it too much, but I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t worried about the possibilities of having all three couples in the same room for a cordial dinner.

“Hello? Earth to Grace,” Aimee waved her hand in my face as she spoke to me. I blinked, snapping out of my deep thought. She started laughing as she sat in the seat next to me. “Already mentally checked out?”

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “If only I can.”

“We’re almost at the home stretch,” Aimee mentioned, looking our toward the stage with the other dancers. “I felt like we’ve done this show a million times already. I can do it in my sleep.” I looked at her, laughing at her comment.

“Homesick yet?” I asked. Aimee sighed before answering. I guess so. I out my hand on hers, reassuring her. “We’ll be back in America in no time.”

“It’s just going to be weird to go back to Atlanta and see my boyfriend’s things out of my apartment,” Aimee admitted. Aimee’s had a rough year being in Korea. Her and her boyfriend have been on and off, trying to work something out and ultimately, they decided to end things. I understood what was going through Aimee’s head; we’ve spent so much of our time and life being professional dancers for a production across the country for a year. Although we’ve been away for most of the year, life has continued for our loved ones, and who knows just how much a part we still are in their lives coming back.

I wonder if my mom had this thought when she was coming back from her production.

“I get it,” I finally said, trying to reassure her as much as possible. “We still have to take our girl’s trip when we go back to America. We need to celebrate the hard work we endured this past year.”

“Yeah,” Aimee simply said, sighing before she looked up at me. “Did you and Sahim figure out how your long-distance relationship is going to work out?”

“No,” I quickly said, looking now toward the stage. “We’ll figure something out.”

“What; you’re going to leave your life in New York to live with him in the west coast?” Aimee shifted in her seat, now her body was completely facing me. “Or is he going to be the one to move to New York to be with you?”

“I don’t know, Aimee,” I said, now growing annoyed. “I’m trying to focus on one thing at a time.” Aimee finally sat back toward her seat, now also watching the rehearsal on stage.

“You’re going to have to make big woman decisions soon,” Aimee commented, not looking at me. “I mean, look at how fast time went by. We were just landing in Ulsan and now we’re already 2 months away from leaving.” I don’t look at Aimee, not because she’s getting me mad, but what she’s saying is ultimately the truth. It’s been so easy to blame the last remaining rehearsals on why I haven’t spoken to Sahim about the future. What am I so afraid of? Getting ahead of myself to get my heart broken in the end? Or am I just not prepared for what’s to come?

…

“Grace,” Sonia stops the music and walks up toward the side of the stage, sighing loudly. I catch my breath, tired from dancing for the past hour. “What’s going on? You’re trying to tell me this is what you came up with?”

“I apologize,” I said in between deep breaths. “I didn’t have time to stretch before rehearsal.” The concert hall was now empty; it was only me and Sonia left. “I promise I—“

“Grace,” Sonia stopped me, this time more gentle with her tone. She took off her glasses and looked at me. “This isn’t like you to make all of these mistakes in your choreography. You clearly have some things troubling you.” I shook my head, trying to play it off.

“I’m fine,” I quickly said, getting myself back in place. “I’ll take it from here—“

“Grace,” Sonia said one last time, this time in a more worried tone. “You’re a grown woman, and I understand you have things going on outside of the production, but don’t make me have to call Mollie and tell her that her daughter is going through shit that’s affecting her dancing.” I looked at Sonia, sighing and sitting on the ground. Surprisingly, she sits on the ground too, across from me.

“The pressure is just getting to me; that’s all,” I said, shaking off the feeling.

“Thinking about home?” Sonia asked. What is it with these people asking me the same damn questions?

I scoffed at Sonia’s question. “Isn’t everyone? It’s about to be October. The last show is the week before Christmas.”

“No doubt,” Sonia agreed. “But I’m asking if you’re thinking about home, and what is that going to look like when you get back.” Bullseye. I couldn’t say anything back, I just nodded my head. Sonia smiled in understanding. “It’s scary; I know. Even in my position, it’s scary to figure out how you’re going to fit back into people’s lives again.”

“But it comes with the profession,” I added, sighing as I did. “If anyone knows, it’s me.”

“She always thought about you while we were in India,” Sonia admitted. “Mollie couldn’t shut up about you at times.”

“She never came back,” I spat out, feeling defensive. “So whatever she said to you, she didn’t mean it—“

“She meant every word,” Sonia interrupted. “She turned down the position of director for the following production; she wanted to go back home.” I looked at Sonia, confused. This was the first time that I’m hearing this about my mom. “The production after us suffered a great loss in not having Mollie a part of it. She was determined she was going home to see you—“

“She never did,” I simply stated. Sonia looked at me before she spoke.

“She carried a lot of shame when the time came to go back to America,” Sonia began to explain. “We all did. My son was graduating kindergarten the year we did the production in India. I went back just when he was about to finish 1st grade. It… was extremely hard to go back and face the people I had left for the sake of my career. I can only imagine Mollie was going through an even deeper internal struggle.”

“I missed my daughter’s first day of school,” I admitted, trying to fight back tears. “I missed a lot of her firsts because of my career.”

“Then finish what you started here and go home to her,” Sonia simply said. “I’m sure you promised her that you’ll see her when you get back.” It was hard to believe that it was as easy as Sonia put it out, but I had to put some trust in her advice as a mother herself. There’s no doubt that I’m fighting my anxiety of facing Willow after a year of phone calls and bonding time through video chat. What if she doesn’t remember me that well anymore? What if she decided that she didn’t want me, or need me in your life anymore? What if I don’t fit in the tiny universe she created for herself?

Before I can say anything, the alarm on my phone goes off. I quickly take it outside of my bag, noticing the reminder on my phone. I quickly get up, not realizing the time.

“I’m sorry, I have to get going,” I began to say as I gathered my things. “I’m supposed to meet up with my cousin for dinner tonight.” Sonia nodded as she began getting up from the ground. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Sonia!” I shouted as I ran out of the concert hall.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Baby’s Second Heartbreak: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

Breathe in, Mol. Breathe out.

I stood on the sideline backstage, watching a band perform to the audience on stage. The crowd seemed lively tonight, which made me excited but even more nervous than usual. I’ve performed in front of tons of people, so I didn’t know what made this time different. I took a deep breath and sighed it out; I guess it caught Aaron’s attention.

“Mols,” Aaron said as he walked toward me. “You good?” I nodded, faking a smile before looking back at the stage. I felt Aaron’s hand slip into the palm of mine, tugging me away from the stage. He pulls me behind a part of the curtain away from the other bands and people and looks directly in my eyes.

“You’re going to be fine,” Aaron reassures me before saying else. “You know you’re gonna kill it, you always–“

“This is different, Aaron,” I interrupted him, looking at him now. “This isn’t some 20-person vocal choir where if I mess up on a note, no one will notice.”

“No, but that’s not going to happen,” Aaron debated. “You’ve never forgotten a single note of music since I’ve met you.”

“But what if it happens tonight?” I questioned. “This is something that I’ve never done, and this is a whole new crowd of people that don’t know me and I don’t know them and–

“Breathe, Mols,” Aaron grabbed my shoulders and took in a deep breath. I mimicked him, hoping that it would help in any way possible. In a way, it did, but he could definitely tell I was still anxious. “It’s nothing that you can’t do.”

“And how do you know that?” I kept questing Aaron. “You never performed with me before–“

“But I did,” Aaron said, now interrupting me. “You don’t remember? Open House showcase earlier this year? We sang the two solo parts in the closing song?” I looked at Aaron, nearly shocked that he remembered that one performance out of the dozens we already did for vocal. That performance was one of the first that we did as a freshman class. I remember being so nervous for that performance. Being on the stage next to Aaron singing that solo felt comforting in a way I never felt before. “That was the moment I knew that you could do amazing things when you sang on stage.”

“You’re just saying that,” I said. “You have to say those things.”

“I say them because I mean them,” Aaron said as he kissed me on my forehead. “And they’re true.” I looked at Aaron and just smiled. Was it normal to be this much in love at my age? How does one even know what love feels like? Aaron smiled at me before he leaned in for a kiss. He held my hand as we walked back toward the backstage area; along the way, Xavier and Willis come running towards our direction.

“Yo,” Xavier started to say to us. “Did you realize that–“

“Alright, give it up for Child’s Playpen!” the host of the event begins to say. The audience cheers as the band gets off the stage. “Next on our roster, we have one of our regulars! She’s back to bless us with her angelic vocals! Give it up for Rina!” I walked towards the back of the stage to watch the next performer. I was nice to see another girl performing tonight where most of the people in these bands are guys. I applaud for the girl as she walks closer to the microphone.

“Mol–” I heard Aaron’s voice call out for me, but turned back around when the girl on stage started to talk.

“What’s up Victorian Hall!” The girl shouted out, which made the audience cheer just as loud. “Y’all already know who it is! But those who don’t; I’m Rina! I used to be in a band before venturing out into solo stuff, defining my sounds and recreating the image I wanted to put out. This first song was one I co-wrote a while back and performed once or twice. Anyway, I revamped it to fit my style and I hope you guys rock the fuck out!” Everyone cheered as the girl began to get ready to start her performance.

“Mol,” Aaron says again, trying to get my attention.

“Shhh,” I turned around and said before looking at the stage. The band behind the girl begins to play the song; it sounded catchy, like something I once heard or something. She finally starts to sing the lyrics of the song, looking out to the audience. I was listening to the words, seemingly knowing each and every word of the song. I was confused; did I see this girl perform this song before? She began to jump around the stage, anticipating the chorus drop, and when it finally did… my heart dropped along with it.

This… this is the same song we’re performing.

The lyrics finally click once I hear Rina sing them; it’s a send off to an ex. Aaron had told me it was about a cheating partner getting hit with karma after doing them dirty in their last relationship. I couldn’t turn around and look at Aaron; it was hurting too much to even feel him standing behind me.

“Mol,” Aaron finally said, lower than the previous times. Before any tears could come down, I quickly walked away. “Mollie, wait!”

I yanked the curtain away as I walked through it; I wanted nothing more than to hide under a rock and never be seen again. I felt my heart breaking in pieces in my body. I knew Aaron had a girlfriend before me, but I didn’t know she was a part of his band. It made me mad to even think that Aaron was using me just for his band. Maybe he didn’t really like me to begin with. It wasn’t long after that Aron came rushing through the curtain, sighing once he sees me there.

“Mollie,” Aaron began to say.

“You’re kidding, right?” I immediately spat out. “Tell me I’m being pranked or something–“

“It’s not what it looks like,” Aaron started to explain. “Rina and I wrote the song for the band; not her.”

“She still went up there and performed it, Aaron!” I shouted, angry now. “She still felt the need to take the song and perform it knowing that the band was here tonight.” I looked at Aaron; this was the first time he genuinely seemed at a lost of words. It was like he wasn’t believing the words coming out of his mouth. It was like he didn’t know what to do in this moment. “Are you not over your ex?”

“What?” Aaron quickly asked defensively.

“You heard me,” I spat back. “Are you not over your ex and the cute little band you guys used to have so you had to drag me into it and try to replace the void of yore precious Rina?”

“Do you even hear yourself?” Aaron said, now getting mad. “Do you think if that was the truth, then why did you even decide to join the band in the first place?”

“I didn’t know your ex was in your band!” I yelled out. “Why would you even teach me a song that you and your ex wrote while you two were together?”

“Because it’s one of our songs, Mol,” Aaron answered, now getting annoyed. “Is this really about the song or is this about seeing my ex at this show?”

“I wouldn’t have known she even was your ex if she didn’t perform our song.” I debated back, crossing my arms along my chest. “You think I would’ve joined your band if I knew she was the lead vocalist before me?”

“And even if you did, why would it matter?” Aaron fought back. “She’s my ex for a reason, and she left the band for the same reason–“

“So you’re telling me that you’re just going to replace the lead vocalist of your band every time you date and break up with them?” I spat out. It hurt me knowing that Aaron did not actually ask me to be in his band because he liked me or my voice or thought I was the perfect fit for the band, but because this is what he usually does.

“Mol,” Aaron simply said, seeming upset now. “I should’ve told you about Rina, yes; but to actually believe that I would do something like that to you makes me question if you really know me.”

“Did you really want me to be in your band because of me?” I simply asked, trying to hold back the tears. I wanted Aaron to make everything feel better; he usually knows what to do or say to calm me down in times like this. Who do I turn to when my source of happiness is also the source of my sadness?

“Mol,” Aaron sighed as he began to say.

“Answer the question,” I demanded. “Did you want me in your band for me, or were you just looking for a replacement for your band?” To my surprise, Aaron didn’t answer right away. I nodded, trying to keep my composure.

Before anything else was said, Xavier came rushing through the curtain, looking for us.

“Dude, we’re up in like 2 minutes,” he said to Aaron.

“Give us a second,” Aaron responded. “We’re in the middle of something right now.”

“We’re good,” I said, walking away from Aaron. “We have to be in position for the performance.”

“Mols,” Aaron called out.

“Remember to cue me in when your solo is over in the second verse,” I said to Aaron, dismissing everything that was spoken about before.

“Mollie,” Aaron said one more time before we hear the host speaking on stage.

“Alright! The last performers of the night aren’t strangers to the lounge. Give it up for Quiet Division!” The audience cheers as we all walk on stage to our positions. I wanted to be anywhere else besides being in front of all these people singing a song that Aaron and his ex wrote. I took a deep breath, trying to not let this get the best of me.

I closed my eyes before looking over at Aaron running his guitar. He quickly glances up to look at me. I remember seeing Aaron do the same thing the first time I ever saw him perform. At the time, he seemed like he knew what he was doing and he looked so genuine doing it. There was no doubt Aaron cared about his band a lot; he was passionate about it. He spoke about how much he hoped he and his band became famous in the future. At the time, it was inspirational to see someone care about their craft so much. I felt like in that moment, I was able to finally relate to someone who gets it.

“You’re talented and passionate,” Aaron said sitting across from me while we practiced in Mr. Kamalani’s room. “It’s hard to find people that have that same value in their craft.”

“Sometimes I feel like a fraud though,” I admitted, flipping through the pages of sheet music. “This isn’t my craft.”

“But you take it seriously,” Aaron added. “You’re naturally a person that works hard to be the best at what they do.”

“So, being a perfectionist?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Being a dreamer,” Aaron said. “With hard work, your dreams can come true.”

“Is that so?” I scoffed, sighing at Aaron’s cheesy speech. “What makes you believe something like that?”

“I have to if I want the band to succeed,” Aaron explained. “Just how you want your dance career to succeed.” I rolled my eyes; it was hard to believe that something that I could possibly dreamt of being can com true if I worked hard enough to achieve it.

I didn’t realize that at the time Aaron was basically telling me he’d do anything for his band to succeed, even if that meant hurting my feelings in the process.

I took a deep breath and smiled toward the crowd. “What’s up, New York City!” The crowd cheered and applaud as I spoke. “Thank you to the Oxy Lounge for having us tonight; we are Quiet Division and we’re here to put on a good fuckin’ show for you!” As the crowd applaud, I looked over to Rina in the crowd, I’m assuming with a bunch of her friends. “We have a sick set for you all, so let’s get started with the first song… something tells me you guys already know the words to this one.” I looked over at Aaron, cueing him to start the song. He looked at me for a brief moment before he began playing the starting chords. I quickly turned my head to face the microphone, trying to sing the song.

I didn’t allow this hiccup to mess me up. Even though singing isn’t truly my passion, I am generally a passionate person. I will always be the best at what I do. I started to dance around the stage, singing along to the songs and interacting with the band members to give off that rockstar aura. The lights hitting me on stage and seeing the audience dance along to the music.

“When you’re laying next to him, does he ever hold you tight, does he comfort you when you cry in the middle of the night?” I started to sing as I looked directly at Rina, letting her know that this was the way that the song is now sung. I walked over to Aaron, watching him play the guitar. He looks at me as he plays, and I couldn’t help but think just how hot he looked doing so. I wasn’t giving him the benefit of the doubt, but something about us being on stage together made everything bad that happened disappear. “I can see it in your eyes that you already know, how much it kills me to say that I told you so!” I belted the notes as the chords went into the closing chorus. I flipped my hair upwards; the waves of red made it look like a fire flame. I get on my knees to continue ad-libing the final chorus. The audience is going wild at this moment, and before I knew it, the song finished and the crowd loudly cheered. I catch my breath, taking in everything. I looked at Aaron, as he looked at me.

Maybe we are the same person. Passionate.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Hello, 31.

liz

To my 31st year—

We are so excited for you to be here, not because it’s your first day here with us, but because we are blessed to have lived to see you.

You may not be familiar with who we are, but we’ve told every year that came before you that in all honesty, at one point we did not think we would live to see us at these older ages. We tell each year to come that if we actually went with our ideologies and allowed them to take complete control, we would have been dead at 18. That’s just the hardcore reality of it all, and every year it sounds more and more like a fever dream that something like that could’ve happened.

We could’ve lost all this time in life if we ended it at 18. We would’ve lost the day that I stood up at my college graduation being a first-generation college graduate. We would’ve lost the passion of higher education and publishing an article in an academic journal. We would’ve lost the friendships that came and went; the ones that nurtured a part of our lives and the ones that taught us valuable life lessons. We would’ve lost the summers spent in Pennsylvania at my grandparent’s house, playing with their dogs and listening to their farm animals speak all day. We would’ve lost the feeling of truly falling in love, then falling out of it, to then find it back again all with the same person. We would’ve lost all of that time spent to be the person we are now. 31, you got it good; you are know witnessing a version of us that our past selves wished they could have seen.

We want to let you know that we don’t expect you to always be perfect. We understand the severity you bring with your big age; we know that things will happen this year and the years to come that will completely alter our lives. We understand that with this age, we are continuing a journey of life that is the complete opposite of what it was like in our 20s. We understand that while this is the best time of our lives, it is also the time of our life that is completely new and unpredictable, and it’s okay if we don’t have the answers to each question or scenario that comes up.

Most importantly, we understand that there are things we need to work on still if we expect to go through the inevitable of growing up.

31, we are excited to see what you can teach us about ourselves this year. We can’t wait to continue experiencing life, living it to the fullest, and not letting anything or anyone around you ruin your perfectly good day. Lastly, we are ready to continue experiencing life in ways we never thought we can, whether it’s for good for bad.

31, I hope that being here to see you come has made you proud of me. I hope that with 31, I continue living life to its complete potential, and to continue nurturing my younger self in ways I couldn’t do so in the past. I am living not just for our present selves, but for the past versions where they couldn’t even dream of doing the things we do now.

31, welcome yourself into the world.