Black Sheep in Society: Season 3

Milo, the 1st Kamalani Black Sheep: A Micah Monologue.

liz

Growing up, I wasn’t really close to my older brother. By the time I was old enough to have memories, Milo was in high school, hanging out with his friends as any teenager would. We don’t make much in common besides the fact that we both grew up around music. I know for sure that my brother grew up with our parents with music blasting through the stereo as they did their Saturday cleaning. I have this one memory of being a kid and watching Milo look at our parents in horror as he brought Sophie to the house on one of those Saturday mornings. Music, if anything, symbolized a lot of things in our family. To my parents, it symbolized love. They had their own band growing up, writing and performing songs with Uncle Danny and Aunt Nicki, and as they got older they still used music to showcase their love. For us, it meant togetherness. Our family always came together whenever music was playing; whether it was on the car radio or at one of our performances in school, our family always was so passionate about music.

But even music did not bring my brother and I close together.

I walked up the front steps of a small house, catching my breath as I carried my DJ equipment on my back. I rang the bell, and shortly after my brother answered the door.

“Hey, dude,” Milo greeted me, opening the door wider in order for me to walk in. I looked around the house as I took my bag off, leaving it near the door with my shoes. We weren’t allowed to wear our shoes in Milo’s house, as it showed disrespect in Asian culture.

“Hey,” I greeted back, digging in my bookbag and getting straight to the point. “Mom wanted me to drop this off on my way home. I guess Sophie was asking for it.” I handed over the container to Milo as he took it.

“Ah, yeah; Sophie said that Jennifer was giving this back to us,” Milo said, walking towards the kitchen area. “She’s making cupcakes for Summer’s bake sale thing at school.” Summer was Milo’s and Sophie’s oldest kid. In a way, Summer felt more like a sibling of mine than my niece. Of course, I was her uncle whether she would get too boy crazy; like, she’s 13 for fuck’s sake.

“Yeah; one less thing I need to carry on my bag,” I said, pointing at my bag. Milo glances over to look at it, then back at me.

“Is that what was at Dani’s place?” he asked. I nodded, annoyed that my mom would even tell Milo what I was doing today. “That’s a lot of baggage to carry around.” I looked at Milo, trying to decipher his words. He was always known as someone who never bluntly said what he said and meant what he meant.

“Yeah, it is,” I spat out, getting myself ready to leave Milo’s place. “I have to get–“

“Wait, Micah,” Milo interrupted me, getting my attention. I turned around to face him. “I wanted to actually spend some time with you before you head back home.” I couldn’t help but scoff when we said that.

“Yeah? What, mom told you to do this?” I asked, shaking my head. “We never spent time with each other before–“

“Micah, I mean it,” Milo began to explain. “I haven’t gotten the chance to just sit down with you and talk. We’re both so busy living our lives that–“

“I’ve been perfectly fine just passing by, bro,” I cut Milo off, not wanting to get into it with him. “I have to get going before mom thinks–“

“For fuck’s sake Micah, can you just listen for once?” Milo spat out. Ah, this is the brother I’ve grown to know. “You’re acting like I can’t be concerned for my own brother–“

“Half brother,” I corrected him. I had to remind Milo that the reason why we weren’t close isn’t the fact that we’re literally 10 years apart, but simply just the fact that he made it clear as day that his siblings were just half of him.

“We’re still brothers, asshole,” Milo spat back, now annoyed. “Let’s not act like I wasn’t there when you were thrown in jail.”

“Oh geez! Thanks for the reminder!” I sarcastically reacted. “Seriously, what could I have ever done if you weren’t already at the house having dinner with mom and dad? You wouldn’t have even cared if I was sentenced to life–“

“Are you fucking hearing yourself, dude?” Milo said, growing more angry. “Seriously, why do you always act like the world is out to get you or something?”

“Because you guys always act like it is!” I shouted back, growing frustrated. “Like seriously dude, when was the last time we actually did something together as brothers without it being because mom and dad forced us?” Milo didn’t say anything, which was extremely telling. “Stop acting like you care when all I am to you is a thorn in your side. You, mom, dad; all of you treat me like the damn black sheep of the family, and then care when I’m in danger. Like pick a fucking side!” I thought that would be the end of our conversation and that Milo would just kick me out of his place. I’ve come to terms that Milo will never truly be the older brother I could confine in; his picture-perfect life with his family has no room for anything that is damaged.

Milo started to laugh, as if this shit was just some game to him. The louder he laughed, the more angry I became.

“Oh shit, that was a good one, Micah,” Milo said as he got his composure together. “You? A black sheep? You grew up with both of your biological parents in a nice ass house in Brooklyn. You were in all the music extracurricular activities that you wanted to be in as a kid. You didn’t grow up watching your dad date all these different girls until he married Jennifer. You didn’t grow up being a black sheep because you never were the black sheep. I was.”

“Is this some fucking competition?” I yelled out, walking toward Milo. “Seriously, are you making this a competition?”

“No, Micah; I’m tell you how it really is. Your problem is that you believe you’ve been so mistreated by your family because you’re “so different”, when really it was you that distanced yourself from everyone around you.” Thankfully, Milo’s phone started to ring and answered it in the other room. I had no other reason to stay any longer, so I grabbed my things and left his place.

Milo and I were never close; I grew up thinking that maybe it was just the age gap between us. As I got older, I realized that our age had nothing to do with it. Milo was proud to being the original black sheep of our family.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Why Did We Not Keep Our ‘COVID’ Hobbies?

liz

It’s crazy to think that we were living in a pandemic this time five years ago. It was five years ago that COVID literally shut the entire world down.

It will truly be one of those things that when we are asked “do you remember where you were when [insert major event] happened” and we can honestly vividly remember what was happening that moment.

For me, I was in Florida visiting a college friend, nervous that the pandemic was getting worse to the point that my flight back home was going to be cancelled. Many of us thought we would be back at work in two weeks, getting a nice needed break from life before we got back to the swing of things. Thankfully, I was able to make it back to New York before everything started to shut down, and—needless to say— did not realize that we would be home for the next 5+ months. Of course in that time, many of us went to the internet for entertainment, keeping us busy in a time that was uncertain, uneasy, and really tragic for many of us.

I was one of those people whose life was chronically online, and every interest and hobby I had involved being a part of some online community. I met a ton of people online during this time, which was something that I truly needed in such a transitional part of my life. I was in my mid 20’s still trying to find my identity after it was tied to being a student after so long. It wasn’t long that I started to surround myself with people who lived all over the world, sharing the same interests as me and connecting through this hobby of ours.

Of course, I didn’t think that this hobby of mine would just be another phase of my life. Something tells me that for many of these people, they didn’t think this was going to be theirs either.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am no longer a K-pop collector, a penpal writer, or chronically online anymore.

Many of my readers know that K-pop was something that really defined me at one point in my life. I went through all of the stages of being a K-pop Stan, and while I cringe looking back at how serious I took it, it was a building block in figuring out my true identity. I sometimes blame my “falling out” on K-pop on the negative cognition I have with it: it’s something that associates itself of a time that was great but so damaging to my mental health. I sometimes blame it on the fact that the groups that are popular now are no longer the groups I listen to; most of which have either disbanded or now on hiatus to make room for newer (and younger) groups. Like, I’m sorry – how is there a new girl group with a maknae that was born in 2010?! Sure, that girl is 15 years old but to think that 2010 was 15 years ago is insane to me.

Anyway—

I thought that it was a mixture of those two things: maybe I just don’t connect with it in the way that I did before because it represented such a different time in my life. But, then it clicked: where in the world did everyone that was once in this community go as well?

I could name a handful of people that I have not heard from since the world began to slowly come out of the pandemic. Even in 2022 (which for me was my true last year of K-pop collecting) I started to not see the same people in the community that was once there during the height of the pandemic. It made me wonder a lot of things: how could we leave (or sell) something we worked so hard (and spent so much) in completing, and why was it so easy for us to just stop?

I think K-pop collecting, and even penpal writing (in my brain, they are one in the same because they stemmed from the same online community) was just a filler in a lot of people’s lives. In a world where we were so uncertain if we were ever going to see a life where wearing masks would not be required anymore or if we would ever return to our classrooms or jobs and interact with people in person again, I think we all needed some way to nurture the human qualities in us.

We need to socialize, we need to work on something or learn something new or do something in a way that makes us feel good. I mean, how many of the people in your life currently do something that they said they picked up during the pandemic? There are some out there still doing what their pandemic selves did, but for most it seems like the hobbies and interests we invested in was just temporary, or at least until the world opened back up and we were able to spend our money on experiences, not materialistic things.

Personally for me, I like to spend my time and energy on creating tangible memories; ones that don’t solely develop and live online anymore. My life (and identity) were once tied to solely being on the internet, realizing that the people I thought I would click with forever due to our common interests were also just a product of their social media persona. Yes, I had one as well. For me, I just realized that the things I valued weren’t on the internet anymore, and once everything began to open up, I started to spend more time outside. I went to more concerts, more parties, more social gatherings, and more vacations since I stopped putting my energy in things that I didn’t have much to show for. Having an aesthetic looking Instagram page was also becoming extremely outdated and it screamed “produced by the pandemic”. In a nutshell, I started to stray away from both communities until I completely let go of them both.

It took me some time to accept the fact that I grew out of this phase. I had thought that this was my end all be all, only because it was the first time in my life that I had a group of online friends with the same exact interests as me. By all means, I am not shitting on people that still have these close connections with their online friends in their designated communities, I’m just saying that with my observations and time to reflect on that time, I realized that a lot of people used their pandemic hobbies as an outlet. It was an outlet to pass all the time we didn’t have before, the uncertainty of when the world would go back to normal (which, in my opinion has never been the same since, but that’s a different post for a different day) and most importantly; it was an outlet to keep us connected to people when we couldn’t physically see them or hang out with them.

Personally, I will always remember this time in life as the stepping stone in the person I am now. I think I needed those experiences to understand what I truly wanted out of life, and those that I associate myself with. I’ve also learned to not always deem the person I once was as “unhappy” or “unwell” by any means. I was happy, and it was fulfilling to the person that was living through a pandemic. Like, if something that you once loved got you through something, it got you through something and you shouldn’t feel ashamed in that if this is something you relate to.

In the meantime, I would love to hear about the hobbies that you guys picked up during the pandemic! What were they? How did you discover them? Are they still an important part of your life? If not, when did you completely let the hobby go? And most importantly: how did that hobby shape you as a person?

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #38: Besties Breaking Free (From Each Other)

liz

Milo walks into his Biology class and smiles once he sees Gwen sitting at his table. He immediately takes the seat across from her , which makes Gwen look up from her notebook.

Gwen: *smiles* Hey, Milo.

Milo: *points at her notebook* Writing the scientific formula to cure world hunger?

Gwen: *laughs* What does one have to do with the other?

Milo: I don’t know, doesn’t the earth eat due to photosynthesis or something?

Gwen ponders on the thought, amused.

Gwen: That somehow made sense, but you clearly need more tutoring if you’re looking to be in Chemistry with me next year.

Milo raises an eyebrow and smiles as Gwen giggles.

Milo: Oh I will, only if the smartest girl the world is the one tutoring me.

Gwen: *sarcastic* You have Marilyn vos Savant as a tutor? I’m totally jealous.

Milo laughs at Gwen’s joke, feeling amused by her intelligence-related humor.

Milo: That’s a good one; and something that we are learning in our history class.

Gwen: It’s literally freshman social studies, Milo.

Milo: So what? It;s still something that I was able to remember from being in that boring class.

Gwen smiles and rolls her eyes, continues to write in her notebook. Milo watches her as she does.

Milo: Do you ever read back on your class notes?

Gwen: *confused* Why wouldn’t I?

Milo: I mean, you simply just know everything, even without the teacher actually teaching it to us first.

Gwen: I always read back on my notes; that’s how I learn the information. *teases* You should try it sometime.

Milo sucks his teeth as Gwen laughs; he doesn’t take her words too seriously.

Gwen: Enough about me; you and your band have practice later today?

Milo: *shocked* How did you know I had band practice today?

Gwen: Because it’s Wednesday, and you tell me your band always has practice on Wednesdays, of course with the exception of school performances or something else.

Milo smiles at Gwen as she speaks. He’s still pretty shocked that Gwen remembers the things that he would’ve deemed as miscellaneous information.

Gwen: *nervous* What? Is my hair okay?

Milo: *snaps out of it* Yeah no, your hair is fine. I was just thinking about something else is all.

The bell rings, and the teacher begins to teach the class. While Gwen is focused in on what’s being taught, Milo finds himself looking at Gwen every now and then, smiling whenever she would raise her hand and answer a question correctly.

…

Jennifer is seen opening her locker door during passing, getting the textbooks needed for the next class. She drops something on the floor as she opens it, realizing that she must have overstuffed her locker from the previous period.

Jennifer: *annoyed* Ugh, son of a—

As she bend down to pick it, up, she is startled when she sees Nate appear out of nowhere.

Jennifer: —Nate! Geez! A warning would’ve been nice.

Nate: *teases* But it’s more fun to be a bit spontaneous.

Jennifer cocks an eyebrow and begins to walk down the hall; Nate walks with her.

Nate: Listen, I wanted to talk about what happened at the studio the other night…

Jennifer continues to walk with her head down, listening to Nate as he speaks.

Nate: I didn’t mean to judge you the way I did about your past relationship.

Jennifer stops in place, finally turning to Nate.

Jennifer: I’m listening.

Nate: *sighs* I’m sorry for the way that I acted. The truth is that it bothered me that my brothers knew about you and Danny before you told me, but then I realized that I have no right in being mad at you for not telling me something. It’s not like you’re my girlfriend or something.

Jennifer seems slightly disappointed, but acts cordial.

Jennifer: Yeah.

Nate: And I really hope you still would like for me to come to your band’s show in a couple of weeks to see what you guys have been working on, if that’s okay with you.

Jennifer ponders the thought and sighs. She faintly puts on a smile, hiding her true feelings.

Jennifer: Of course; that’s what friends do.

Nate leans in to give Jennifer a hug, in which she quickly reciprocates one back to Nate. In the sidelines of the hallway, Milo catches them in the act. He rolls his eyes and walks in the opposite direction.

…

Milo: And she was all over him!

Milo and Nicki sit in the hallway, waiting for Jennifer to be dismissed from class.

Nicki: From the sound of it, it looks like it was just a simple, friendly hug.

Milo: *annoyed* Oh, so you’re just going to sit there and pretend Pep isn’t crushing on Nate?

Nicki: And even if she was, what does that have to do with you? I understand your dislike for Danny; but you barely even know Nate besides him being a dual major like you.

Milo: I don’t trust any guy that calls himself a musician just to impress girls—

Nicki: … you do understand that you are also a musician, right?

Milo: Yeah, but I don’t use it to get girls to talk to me.

Nicki cooks up an eyebrow, crossing her arms along her chest.

Nicki: Yeah? So your “friendship” with Gwen is just a friendship?

Milo is flustered at the question.

Milo: Yes, Nic. I’m not out here trying to hook up with every pretty girl in our grade—

Nicki: *shocked* You think Gwen is pretty?!

Milo: *nervous* I mean, she’s okay—

Nicki: Milo, you’ve never called a girl that you didn’t like ‘pretty’ before. Plus, I didn’t think Gwen was your type—

Milo: *defensive* She’s not, but I’m a guy; of course I’m going to think girls are pretty.

Nicki lets the conversation go once she sees Jennifer walk out of the vocal room. Milo is relieved: perfect timing.

Jennifer: Hey, Nic! *looks at Milo* Milo.

Milo: Pep.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Hoping She Forgets Doing Something She’ll Regret: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

“Grace,” I began to say, walking towards Grace with my hand out. I immediately take the empty bottle of Soju out of her hands. “What the hell did you do?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Grace said, picking up the glass from the countertop. “I’m just following Korean culture, drinking to be socially acceptable in this country—”

“Grace, you’ve been sober for over a year now, and you just ruined that by drinking some cheap, peach soju from the convenience store!” I looked at Grace, remembering seeing this exact look on her face many nights back in New York. This look of defeat, feeling so lost that the only escape is drinking to complete numbness. I’ve seen this look on her face too many times, especially the times it was because of our relationship. She shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes, pretending to not care. Before she could walk away from me, I grabbed her by the arm, stopping her from going any further. “Grace—”

“Get your hands off of me!” Grace demanded as she yanked her arm away from me. “I don’t have to explain anything to you!”

“So you rather go back out there, wasted, and pretend that nothing happened?” I spat back. “Seriously Grace, what’s going on with you—”

“Just leave me alone already!” Grace shouted. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough? It’s like everywhere I turn my head, every time I think I can move on and live my life in New York, California, and Ulsan – you’re right here making my life ten times more complicated! It’s bad enough my cousin is with your best friend and that no matter what, you will always be around, but for fuck’s sake: just stay out of my fucking life!” I looked at Grace, not only hurt by her words but confused in where this was coming from. I didn’t want to question her any further; I don’t think she’s even able to hold a conversation any longer. I nodded my head, letting her pass by me. She’s right, you know. She hasn’t been my responsibility in a long time, so why continue to treat her like she is? Sahim can deal with her.

“Go ahead then,” I finally said as she began to sway herself back in the living room, I walked behind her, feeling the numbness that Grace is feeling. All eyes stare at us entering the living room, Haram being the first to raise an eyebrow once I looked at her. I looked over at Skylar, who’s sitting on Shawn’s lap as she watched her cousin walk back to her seat next to Sahim.

“Everything okay?” Shawn finally asked. I nodded my head, but Grace decided to open her mouth to speak.

“Never been better!” Grace throws her hands up, laughing as she looked around the room. Sahim seemed to smile, but it wasn’t anything close to the expression Grace had on. “So, what did I miss?”

“Haram was teaching us how to say our names in Korean,” Sahim began to explain as he looked at Haram. “What was it? She-one?” Haram started to giggle at Sahim’s pronunciation.

“Siwon,” Haram corrected him. “The name ‘Sahim’ can be translated to mean ‘unique’ which in Korean the closest name to meaning ‘unique’ is the word ‘perfect’, or ‘Siwon’,” Sahim smiled as Haram spoke; in a way it began to make me feel uncomfortable.

“Ah, perfect and unique, huh?” Grace sarcastically pointed out.

“Haram had mentioned that it’s better if we had Korean names when we interact with natives here, like at restaurants or at events,” Sahim furthered explained as Haram nodded her head.

“It’s very true. It’s an act of politeness and respect,” Haram began to explain. “Skylar’s Korean name is ‘Haneul’ which means ‘sky’, and ‘Grace’ in Korean is—”

“Eunhye,” Grace spat back. “Jamie taught me that when we dated.” My eyes widen, shocked that she would even say something like that. I felt the knot in my stomach tighten even more, anxious to see what is said next.

“Jaemin?” Haram repeated as she looked at me.

“Jamie,” Grace emphasized. “You know, his American name that he goes by.”

“Grace!” Skylar shouted at Grace, appalled at her cousin. “What the fuck has gotten into you tonight?”

“Oh, so you don’t see these two just flirting in front of my face?” Grace said as she stood up, dropping her purse on the ground. My heart stopped once I heard a hollow glass bottle hit the ground. Grace knew, and everyone else knew, what that was that they heard fall to the ground. I could see it in Grace’s face that she was panicking, bending down quickly to grab her purse from the floor. Sahim picked it up before she did, which made Grace go mad.

“Sahim,” Grace said, trying to grab her purse from his hand. “Give me my purse—” It was already too late as he began to unzip her purse, revealing the soju bottle. Skylar was the first person to react.

“Grace,” Skylar got up and grabbed the bottle from Sahim, swishing the almost empty bottle in front of her. “Please tell me you didn’t do what the fuck I think you did!”

“Oh, so everyone else can drink and have a good time, but it’s a crime when I do it?” Grace debated, slurring her words in between. “I’m a grown ass woman—”

“How could you?!” Skylar pleaded with Grace. She looked more hurt than upset with her cousin. “A year’s sobriety down the drain because you can’t put your fucking differences aside and be here for Shawn and me! Seriously Grace, the past is the past and you need to get the fuck over it!”

“Sky,” Shawn tried to calm Skylar down, but she wasn’t hearing anything else but Grace’s slurred words at this point. To my surprise, she turned to me, pointing the soju bottle in my direction. “You fucking did this.”

“Wait, hold on, Skylar,” Haram began to speak, feeling defensive. “Grace is responsible for her own decisions, not Jaemin.” Skylar looked at Haram, laughing as her response.

“Oh, sweetie,” Skylar began to say. “If only you knew the entire story.” She looked at me before looking back at Grace. “As if the last time you blacked out from alcohol wasn’t because you had just aborted Jamie’s baby. Anything to live this fantasy of being a dancer because you are trying so desperately to find out how can someone possibly do such a heinous thing like abandon their child for a career like her mom did!”

The air was thick and still. Grace was left speechless; her last breath punched out of her with Skylar’s words. I couldn’t even look at Haram, but I know she was looking at me, dumbfounded at what was just said. Sahim looked at Grace with a look of disgust in his eyes.

“Sky,” Shawn was the one that finally said something. “That’s enough.” Skylar didn’t say anything else, she just walked away and slammed the bedroom door shut.

“Sahim,” Grace tried to grab Sahim by the hand, but he rejected her touch. “Sahim, please—”

“I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” Sahim said, not even looking at Grace.

“Sahim, please,” Grace continued to plea, but the more she did, the angrier it made him.

“Just stop,” Sahim finally said, disgusted. “A lot of things about you that didn’t make sense, finally do.” Sahim turned around and began walking towards the door. He looked at me, fuming at the sight. He walks out of the small apartment.

“Grace,” I gently said before she started to cry. She held her palms in her head and runs to the bathroom, slamming the door once she enters. It’s now just me, Shawn, and Haram in the living room now.

“I’m going as well,” Haram finally said, gathering her things.

“Haram,” I began to say.

“Ya,” Haram shouted at me, visibly hurt and angry. “What is there possibly left to say?” She was absolutely right. I didn’t say anything back, which made Haram finally leave the small apartment as well. I stood in the living room with Shawn, completely unsure what happens after this now.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Fact or Fiction: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I haven’t had the courage to talk to Sophie since the day of our performance. I felt like she was too embarrassed to talk to me too; I don’t blame her considering that her mother literally saw the devil in me when she grabbed Sophie away. I didn’t think her mom had a problem with me, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe she blamed me for something that Sophie did, or didn’t do; who knows at this point. Regardless, I wanted to give Sophie her space and wait until she felt like she was ready to finally talk to me. I didn’t realize that two weeks later, she still wouldn’t come and talk to me.

I watched Sophie as we rehearsed a piece in our band class, wondering how she will react when I finally go up and talk to her.

Once the bell rang and everyone began to pack their things, I waited for Sophie after class. I walked to her desk as she was putting her binder in her backpack. She looked up to see me standing there.

“Milo,” Sophie said in a slightly shocked tone.

“Hey, Scout,” I greeted her, wanting to make this interaction as comfortable as possible. “You want to rehearse in the West Wing today?”

“Sure,” Sophie simply answered, which I was surprised to hear. We both walked out of the classroom together and went to the West Wing.

…

“So, the piece we’re learning now,” Sophie began to say as she was taking her music binder back out. “There’s a section that seems to be confusing to me because of the major and minor chord changes—“

“Scout?” I said as I put my hand on top of hers, slowing her down. “Are you alright?”

“Of course,” Sophie faintly smiled, trying to mask everything. “So this piece—“

“You know you can still tell me anything, right?” I reassured her. “Like, you know I’m here to listen, right?” Sophie looked at me for a moment, not really knowing what to do or say next.

“I know,” she finally said. I leaned back, finally giving Sophie her space as she took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry for being radio silent the last couple of weeks. I didn’t mean to shut you out and when I did, I was nervous because I thought you didn’t want me to talk to you anymore.”

“Scout, that wasn’t even a thought I had,” I began to say. “I was worried about you, especially with what happened with your mom and—“

“I’m sorry that she spoke to you that way,” Sophie immediately said, as if she needed to get it off her chest. “She shouldn’t have took my mistake on you. She just assumes that other people–“

“Influence your decisions?” I finished her sentence. She simply nodded. I know how that feels. “I get it. Literally my parents think the same thing.” Sophie smiles, seemingly relieved that this went smoothly. I didn’t want to ask her what “mistake” she was referring to; I felt like anything was better to talk about than the one thing that she was stressed about for the last two weeks.

…

“Did you figure out what you’re going to perform for the dual major showcase?” Sophie asked me as we sat in the rehearsal room, tuning our instruments.

“Not yet,” I said, flipping through the pages of my music binder. “I feel like it’s so cliche to sing and play the drums; like I’m not in a band like that.”

“And you never wanted to be in one?” she asked.

“In a band?” I repeated as she nodded her head. “When I was younger, yeah, but that vision went away as I got older.”

“You’d be so cool in a band though,” Sophie mentioned. “Like, you have such a unique singing voice, your band would totally stand out from the others.” I smiled at her words; they made me feel warm inside.

“You’re just saying that,” I teased Sophie, getting close to her face as I did. I could see the wind being taken out of her breath when I did.

“I’m stating a fact,” Sophie said, pressing her finger on my forehead as she playfully pushed me back. “Seriously Milo, you should consider starting a band so that by the time you’re a senior, you’re this huge rockstar in Waverly.”

“Do you just want to see what it feels like kissing a rockstar or something?” I continued to tease her, missing our banter. I missed sitting this close to Sophie; even more so, I missed how her lips felt whenever I kissed her. I gently kissed Sophie on the lips, yearning for her touch. As I expected, her lips were soft and tasted like vanilla sugar.

“Now that’s fiction,” Sophie teased back, giggling as she tasseled my hair. She got up once the bell rang, ending our lunch period. This period always feels like it comes and goes in 15 minutes.

“Can you hang out after school or,” I drifted off, knowing the answer once Sophie looked at me. Still grounded, huh?

“You can walk with me to the bus stop; technically that’s not us hanging out after school,” Sophie said slyly, smirking at me. She was getting pretty good at doing this flirting thing with me; I was enjoying every minute of it.

“That is a fact,” I responded back, mimicking her early conversation. She laughed as we gathered our things, and went our separate ways for the rest of the day.

…

I have developed this habit of being one of the first kids to come to our vocal class; not because I was eager to come here, but because the West Wing was closer to the vocal room than the lunch room is. My dad was erasing the chalkboard when he saw me walk into the classroom.

“Hey, kid,” my dad said as he cleaned the chalk off of his hands. “You’re here earlier than usual; you usually have like 5 more minutes before you’d get here.”

“Sophie had to go to her next class,” I said as I took my binder out of my backpack. “She has a test today.” My dad didn’t say anything else; he just walked over to his desk and gathered some papers together.

“You guys were in the West Wing?” he finally asked as he started to sort out the papers. I rolled my eyes, knowing what he truly wanted to know.

“I was there practicing for the dual major showcase,” I said, looking up at my dad. “Sophie was there studying for her test. That’s fiction, Milo.

“I just asked if you were at the West Wing,” my dad scoffed, stapling pages of sheet music together for class. “I didn’t need the details–“

“Oh, like you weren’t assuming the worst,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I’m just saying, Milo; I was once your age,” he looked up as he spoke. “I know what boys your age do.” I think about kissing Sophie in the rehearsal room, realizing that’s something we tend to always do when we’re there. Fact, but I won’t let him know that. It wasn’t long after that Mollie walked into the classroom. I quickly glanced over at her, but looked back down at my binder. “Good Afternoon, Mollie,” my dad greeted her.

“Hi,” Mollie greeted back, sitting at her seat.

“Ready to learn a new piece today?” He asked as he began to put sheet music on each desk.

“Another new song? What, are we entering some never ending singathon or something?” I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself. Mollie and I don’t really speak to each other these days, but there was no doubt that she would say funny things out loud, especially if they were things we were all thinking.

“Oh, you think that’s funny too, Milo?” my dad said, crossing his arms along his chest.

“I mean, we do have enough songs to sing if we were ever invited to some charity stream raising a million dollars,” I added, slightly looking at Mollie. She wasn’t looking up from her desk, but I could see her smirking to herself when I spoke to my dad.

“Well, you want to be the best, you have to know all of the best music out there,” my dad said, finally handing me the sheet music we were learning today. I skimmed through the pages and my smile began to fade. I looked over at Mollie, now looking up from the desk and at my dad.

“Mr. Kamalani, are you serious?” Mollie finally said, holding tithe sheet music up. “What even is this?”

“It’s the song we are submitting to NYSSMA next month,” my dad answered, smiling. “Welcome to Waverly High vocal, guys.”

Misc., y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #37: An Odd Confinement.

liz

Milo sits alone in his usual booth in the pizza parlor, flipping through his binder of sheet music and a pencil in hand. He scribbles and erases on different parts of it, concentrating hard on his task. He’s taken back when he looks up momentarily and sees Gwen walk in, immediately spotting him.

Gwen: Hey.

Milo: Hey.

Gwen: *looks around* I’m shocked to see you here by yourself.

Milo: *scoffs* I’m not.

Milo sighs and continues to work in his binder. Gwen awkwardly stands there, watching Milo. Milo looks up, realizing Gwen is there.

Milo: You can sit with me if you’d like.

Gwen doesn’t say anything; she sits down in the booth with Milo, looking at his binder as he continues working.

Gwen: It seems like you’re really into what you’re working on. Is that for class?

Milo: *shakes his head* For the band… I don’t even know why I’m still working on this anyway, to be honest.

Gwen: Is it something that needs to get done?

Milo: *annoyed* Yeah, and only I give a shit about it whereas my bandmates just get to do whatever they want to do in their free time.

Milo notices his aggression when Gwen winces at his words.

Milo: Sorry. It was a rough day.

Gwen: I know… it’s why I came here in the first place; to check on you to see if you were okay.

Milo looks up at Gwen, surprised she would even do something like that for him.

Milo: You saw what happened today in lunch?

Gwen nods her head; Milo sighs.

Milo: Sorry you had to see that… Pep– I mean, Jennifer–

Gwen: I know that’s “Pep” to you.

Milo pauses before continuing.

Milo: Yeah. Pep can be a handful at times.

Gwen’s facial expression agrees with Milo, which makes Milo immediately retract his words.

Milo: I mean, she’s my best friend and her decisions are sometimes questionable–

Gwen: You mean you tell her you don’t like something she is doing and she ignores you?

Milo: *defensive* It’s not as simple as that.

Gwen nods, awkwardly looking toward the front window before she speaks.

Gwen: I don’t know Jennifer well, but from what you’ve told me about her and just seeing you guys argue in the lunchroom today, I can see how complicated your friendship can be with her.

Milo: *sighs* Pep always means well, but she has such a thick-skull and thinks she knows everything and goes into shit without thinking twice.

Milo leans forward, seeming more comfortable talking to Gwen about this.

Milo: I mean, if you were a part of a band, would you have gone to some random guy’s private studio to check it out, alone, not even knowing that his older brothers were there too?

Gwen: I mean, I would’ve felt comfortable if my bandmates went with me to check the space out in my opinion–

Milo: That’s what I’m saying! You know Nate Tobias, right?

Gwen: *recalls* Percussion guy with the curly hair in band?

Milo nods his head.

Milo: Apparently his brothers own this private studio and Pep went to check it out the day our ensemble had that performance. Like, she barely knows this guy but feels so comfortable agreeing to go see this studio space and gets mad at me when I call her out on her shit.

Gwen: And that’s what you guys were arguing about in the lunchroom today?

Milo: *nods* Pep is my best friend, but she makes being in a band with her really fucking difficult, especially when she feels like it’s her band just because she’s the face of the group. It was her idea to make Danny Campbell our drummer.

Gwen: *confused* Are you not friends with him?

Milo: Danny is Pep’s ex, and–

Before Milo continues, he’s hesitant about sharing personal information about Jennifer.

Milo: Let’s just say that he was a douchebag, and she just forgave him and then thought it was a brilliant idea to introduce Nicki to him and vote him into our band.

Gwen doesn’t say anything, she sits there and listens.

Milo: She’s my best friend, but I just wished she actually realized that her impulse decision-making affects the people around her.

Gwen: Have you thought about sitting down with her and actually telling her how you feel?

Milo: It’s literally hopeless. She thinks that everything that bothers me stems from jealousy or *air quotes* Me being a hater.

Gwen: *sighs* Milo, I say this as your friend, but you need to realize that you can’t control what Jennifer does. Those are her decisions to make, and thinking that you can persuade her into making decisions that you want her to make is just going to strain your friendship with her.

Milo: I’m not trying to control her–

Gwen: No, but you want her to make decisions that you want her to make.

Gwen smiles and leans forward toward the table.

Gwen: I’m not saying you can’t care for your friends; I know you care about them dearly, but people like Jennifer don’t want to change, and you have to be okay with that.

Milo: *annoyed* I’m not trying to change Pep–

Gwen: You’re trying to prevent her from changing, Milo.

Milo doesn’t say anything, he just sits there and looks at Gwen.

Gwen: I had a friend a lot like Jennifer back in junior high school. She was outspoken and social, but she always appreciated our friendship and found time for us to hang out. But, boys came into the picture, and she became this boy-crazed girl who forgot about her friends.

Gwen adjusts herself in her seat, visibly looking uncomfortable with the topic.

Gwen: Anyway, our hangouts went from every day to every other day, to barely once a week. We began growing apart and that was hard since that’s when I was first diagnosed with this.

Gwen points at her head, referring to her cancer diagnosis.

Gwen: The boy that she was crushing on had a crush on me. I didn’t believe he did, but I saw whenever I was with this friend, he was only interested in talking to me. That made her jealous, which led her to start bullying me.

Milo raises his eyebrows, not knowing this about Gwen. She sighed as she continues.

Gwen: It was horrific. She was my best friend, so her insults weren’t just your typical, generic ones. She cut deep and even took it upon herself to take my wig off one day when this boy came to talk to me. Shouted to the entire class about my diagnosis. It was humiliating.

Milo: I’m sorry you went through that. What happened after that?

Gwen: I was homeschooled for my 8th grade year.

Milo: *surprised* Wait, you didn’t go to another school?

Gwen shakes her head no. Milo is shocked.

Milo: So, you didn’t have, like, a senior trip or go to senior prom?

Gwen looks at Milo; he already knows the answer to his questions. Milo doesn’t say anything else until Gwen starts to talk again.

Gwen: I learned early on that if your friends change, there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. You can’t expect them to still be the version of themselves you know them as, and the more you try to change them back, the more hurt you get in the end.

Milo: Do you know where that girl is now, or–

Gwen nods her head and slightly smiles.

Gwen: The boy too. They date now and go to Waverly.

Milo: *eyes widen* Wait, what?! They go to our school?!

Gwen: *nods* I know you know Greg Stein from band–

Milo: Greg?!

Gwen reacts to Milo’s reaction to hearing Greg’s name.

Gwen: Yeah.

Milo: *in shock* If you’re talking about Greg, that means the girl you’re talking about is–

Gwen tightens her smile straight, sighing afterward.

Gwen: Diana Lopez.

Milo: *dumbfounded* Greg and Diana went to Beverly Junior High; they literally made me and Pep’s a living hell our senior year– *moment of realization* That means you also went to Beverly. What did you major in?

Gwen: Band. I was literally in the same band class as you.

Milo is taken back by the newfound information.

Milo: But, I would’ve known you, I would’ve–

Gwen: It’s fine, Milo. My point is that I tried so hard to change my friends back to what I knew them before, and it literally made me vow to not really make close friends like that ever again.

Milo: I mean, you’re friends with Nicki.

Gwen: She’s more of a bandmate than a friend. *smiles* I don’t spend recess gossiping with her in the schoolyard.

Gwen looks down at her hands, clearly in thought. Milo watches her before he catches her attention.

Milo: Well, people are missing out being your friend, because you’ve been a really good one to me.

Gwen looks up and smiles, appreciating Milo’s words.

Milo: And if I wasn’t so caught up in whatever it was back in Beverly, I would’ve definitely been your friend back then too.

Gwen: *smiles* Same here.

The two teens share a moment of silence until Gwen’s phone rings for a notification. She looks down at her phone, sighing before putting it back in her pocket.

Gwen: I have to go; my mom is waiting for me at the doctor’s office.

Milo: Is she okay?

Gwen: *corrects* It’s my appointment.

Milo gets the hint, nodding his head in understanding. Gwen gets up from the booth, gathers her bookbag and things, and begins to say her goodbyes.

Gwen: I’ll see you in school tomorrow–

Before Gwen walks away, Milo calls out for her.

Milo: Hey.

Gwen turns around.

Milo: Thanks for letting me confine in you.

Gwen smiles.

Gwen: That’s what friends are for.

Gwen turns back around and walks out of the pizza parlor. Milo watches her walk away from the place through the window. He clearly is now deep in thought about her.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 3

Through a Black Sheep’s Lens: A Micah Monologue.

liz

The door of Dani and Tanner’s apartment opens; Dani walks in first to turn on the lights. I walked in, looking around the home that she and Tanner made in this studio-sized college apartment. I closed the door behind me, taking off my jacket and putting on the rack with the other hanging coats and jackets.

“Jennifer knows you’re here?” Dani turns around to ask me. “I don’t need my mom spazzing out about how Jennifer is looking for you or some shit.”

“She knows,” I answered as I rolled my eyes, fighting sitting down on the couch. “She was the one that told me you guys had my equipment.”

“That shit is no joke,” Dani began to comment. “The fact that you carry that shit around for gigs is absolute insanity.” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself, not because it was funny, but she was absolutely right about the insanity part.

“That’s the life of DJ Salem,” I said, sighing afterwards. I haven’t even thought about music since the night of the party. If it wasn’t for me needing to finish this art project, I would’ve just left my stuff here at Dani’s. Knowing Dani, she would’ve nagged me about it taking up space in her apartment, and pleading for me to pick it up. Dani comes back to the living room and hands me a can of soda. “Thanks. For both the soda and or taking my equipment after… you know…” It was still so hard to really talk about that night; it seemed like it was hard for Dani to talk about it as well the way she was fidgeting with the can topper on her soda.

“Yeah,” Dani finally said, sighing as she looked up. “It’s nothing. We’re like family.” I nodded, agreeing with her. Dani was more like a sister to me than a friend growing up. She was around for all of the family functions with us; sure we grew up practically wanting to rip each other’s heads off, but she always valued our friendship and supported me when it was needed. “We are family.”

“Tanner would’ve never told you this because I told him not to, but that night really fucks me up when I think about,” Dani admitted. “Like… seeing Rosie laying there was fucking scary. I thought I was looking at a dead body, Micah.”

“I know,” I quickly said, trying to cut Dani off. “I’m sorry for having to put you and Tanner through that.” There was a noticeable silence after that; it was like we didn’t know what to do or say to even continue without addressing the huge elephant in the room. “She’s gonna be okay–“

“Are you okay?” Dani abruptly asked, looking at me now. “Like, seriously dude. You’re worried about Tanner and I as if you didn’t go through this horrific shit.”

“I’m fine,” I simply answered, trying to not worry Dani any more than she already is. Dani looks back down, fidgeting with the nail polish on her nails. She sighed as she got up and walked out of the room. I let out a deep breath, letting out the intensity of this conversation out of my body. I wanted nothing more than to just move forward and leave this shit behind, but I understand the impact it has left, especially with Dani.

I looked up as Dani reentered the room; this time she was holding my backpack with my equipment in it. I get up, helping her gather my things.

“Thanks again,” I said, opening the bag to check if everything was in there. Dani watches over me as I do so. I looked up at Dani again, noticing she still had her hand out with something else in it. I immediately felt my stomach knot up, haunted by the sight. “Is–“

“It’s Rosie’s camera,” Dani finally said, handing it to me. “I saw it on the sidewalk going back to her place and picked it up. I didn’t want anyone to steal it or something.” I slowly took the camera from Dani, analyzing it intently. It seemed like Dani tried to clean the dirt off of it from being on the ground that night. This has to be triggering some PTSD type shit.

“Thanks,” I said, not knowing what else to say. As I gathered my things to get ready to leave, Dani just stood there, watching me. I was used to Dani making snarky comments about everything, and by this time we would’ve had a screaming match of insults with each other. Dani wasn’t being herself; she seemed uncomfortable and quiet. She was definitely in her head with the million thoughts spinning with her. “Dani?”

“You know, for someone that was nearly beaten to death and thrown in bookings for a night, you sure are so fucking nonchalant about it,” Dani finally spat out, seeming angry now. “Like sure; I know you don’t care what happens to you–“

“What do you want me to say, Dani?” I spat back, now defensive. “What is there to possibly say? It happened, and I’m trying to move on from it–“

“Like I said,” Dani yelled to interrupt me. “Maybe you don’t care about what happens to you, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t either.”

“I know, Dani–”

“No, you fucking don’t!” she finally snapped. Her voice echoed the tiny apartment, also piercing through my ears. “You think you know when you don’t! Do you even know the shit I had to go through seeing you laying on the ground with a busted up lip and eye, un-fuckin’-conscious?! Do you know how much damage that shit caused? I couldn’t sleep for days, Micah! I couldn’t stop crying because I had no fucking idea if you were even going to get out of jail that night!” Dani began to cry, feeling frustrated afterwards.

“Dani,” I grabbed her and hugged her tight as she sobbed into my chest. I felt horrible being the reason for Dani’s anxiety lately. Dani wasn’t the type to ever show how she felt, especially with me. She always tried to be this tough chick, but I knew that deep inside there was some softness in her. It wasn’t often that she would break down like this, and quite frankly it’s been a long time since the last time she did.

“Hey,” I finally said, gently pulling Dani to look at her. “I appreciate you looking out for me, and I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m… doing okay. I’m going to be okay.” Dani nodded her head as she quickly wiped her eyes, finally calming down. She took a deep breath before she said anything.

“If you tell Tanner about this, I will kick you in the balls,” Dani said, grabbing the sleeve of her sweater to wipe her face dry. I couldn’t help but laugh. There’s my Dani.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something the Darkness Once Stole: A Dual Monologue.

liz

When I first met Haram, I wasn’t looking to be in another relationship. I was attending an event at my niece’s school for Chuseok, and Haram was one of the coordinators for the event. The kids loved her; she barely had a moment to talk to any of the parents after the event.

“Ya,” Mina nudged me on the shoulder. “You should go and talk to her.”

“Am I here to support Aeri, or pick up women?” I asked, getting red in the face. Mina laughed as she shook her head.

“She’s not Aeri’s teacher,” Mina explained. “She’s one of the teachers that puts these events together for the parents and children.” I looked at Haram, admiring how classic of a beauty she truly was. “Plus, she’s really pretty.”

“Ya,” I sucked my teeth as I reacted. Mina started to laugh, holding Aejeong in her arms and walking away from me. Moments later, Aeri comes running up to me, nearly almost tripping over her hanbok.

“Aeri-ya,” I greeted my niece, hugging her as she ran into my arms. I picked her up to see the picture she had painted in her class. “So pretty!” It wasn’t after that the girl I was looking at from across the room came up to me, smiling as she saw me with Aeri. Aeri was the first one to say something, waving to her.

“Haram seonsaengnim,” Aeri called out. Haram. Unique.

“Hi, Aeri,” she looked at Aeri before looking at me. “Who is this man with you?”

“I’m her uncle,” I answered, bowing politely. “I’m Jaemin.”

“Jaemin,” Haram repeated as she smiled. “I’m Haram.” I smiled at her, feeling something completely foreign. It was like talking to this woman made me feel some sort of warmth, and light after years of traveling to and from America. She was your traditional naive Korean women; sophisticated and carried herself in a way that was common for Korean women. It makes sense why Mina wanted me to talk to her in the first place.

…

“Haram,” I spoke into the phone, pacing back and forth in front of her apartment outside of my car. “Are you ready yet? We have to be at Shawn’s place by 6.”

“Jaemin,” Haram mimicked my tone of voice. “Give me two minutes; I am trying to find the right purse for my outfit.” I rolled my eyes, hanging up the phone as I waited for her. Most of the time, Haram and I were late to things because she always had to show up fashionably late. My phone began to ring again, and immediately picked up after seeing it was Shawn.”

“We’re on our way,” I quickly said, knowing he’s probably panicking about of anxiety for tonight’s dinner. “Haram’s still getting ready.”

“Jamie, being late to an event? That’s unacceptable,” Shawn teased. “Hurry up, Hyung; you’re the only one left.”

…

Shawn hanged up the phone and turned around to face us and Skylar. “He’s running a little late.” Skylar rolled her eyes and sighed. “His girlfriend needed some extra time.”

“It’s fine,” Skylar said, getting up from the couch. She looked over at Sahim and me and smiled. “You guys want something to drink? We have Soju–“

“Soju?” Sahim immediately questioned.

“Alcohol,” I chimed in, clearing up his confusion. Skylar went to the kitchen and opened the small bottle of Soju, followed by grabbing a couple of shot glasses from the cabinet.

“You want to try some?” Skylar asked Sahim. Sahim looked hesitant at first, looking at me before answering.

“No, no; it’s fine,” Sahim answered, leaning back in his seat.

“Sahim,” I said as I put my hand on his lap. “It’s okay. Plus, this is Sky and Shawn’s last few hours left in Ulsan before heading back to America. Let’s enjoy the night.” I looked at Skylar and Sahim, who are now looking at me confused. “What?”

“You’re sober, Grace,” Skylar mentioned, pouring two shot glasses of Soju for her and Sahim. I watched the Soju hit the shot glass as she poured, smelling the alcohol come from the bottle. I had been sober even before coming to Korea, but I always felt left out in certain festivities as drinking is such a social thing to do. It made me wonder if I was able to even handle just a tiny shot of Soju. It was tempting, especially now that we are gearing towards the end of the production and being in Korea. “Babe, do you want a shot?” Skylar asked as Shawn came into the room, immediately shaking his head.

“I’m seriously never drinking again,” Shawn protested. I could relate, thinking about the night that he came back with Jamie completely wasted. Skylar shrugged her shoulders, handing the shot glass to Sahim while holding hers up.

“Here’s to being the fun ones in our relationships,” Skylar joked around, taking the shot with Sahim. He winced, chugging the shot down. Skylar also winced at the strong taste. “Yeah, you don’t want none of this.” I rolled my eyes when the bell of the front door began to ring. Shawn went to go answer it, greeting Jamie at the door.

“Hyung!” Shawn happily said as he hugged Jamie. Jamie walked into the apartment, followed by his girlfriend. I felt Sahim getting tense in his seat. He leaned to grab the bottle of Soju, pouring himself another glass of Soju.

“Another shot?” I pointed out to Sahim. “We didn’t even eat yet.” Sahim didn’t say anything, he just started at Shawn and Skylar greet the other couple that entered the room. Both Sahim and I got up from our seat, bowing to greet Jamie and his girlfriend.

“Nice to see you both again,” Jamie’s girlfriend, Haram, greeted us. She looked at me and quickly turned around, facing Jamie as she held his hand. That’s weird.

“Come sit,” Shawn finally said, escorting the couple into the living room area. “Hyung mentioned that you were fashionably late again, Haram.”

“Jaemin!” Haram playfully hit Jamie on the arm before turning back around towards Shawn and Skylar. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for us to be so late.”

“Girl, relax; it’s fine,” Skylar playfully told Haram. Haram didn’t react to Sky’s comment, she just turned around and spoke to Shawn with Jamie by her side. I didn’t realize that Haram was holding Jamie’s hand the same way that Sahim was holding mine. Did Jamie tell her about me? Why does it even matter if he did or not?

“So Haram,” Sahim started to say. I nervously looked at him, hoping he wasn’t about to say something smart to her. “I didn’t get the chance to formally introduce myself last time.” He held out his hand and introduced himself. “I’m Sahim; Grace’s boyfriend.”

“It’s nice to formally meet you,” Haram said as she shook his hand. “Are you also here from America?”

“I am,” Sahim answered. “I work in the Ulsan production; behind the scenes.” Haram nodded her head, looking at Jamie before turning back toward us.

“Oh, is that how you met Grace?” Haram asked, smiling to seem polite. I didn’t say anything; I felt exposed and wanted nothing more to hide under a rock. Sahim nodded his head, smiling as he looked at me.

“She’s one of the dancers in the production,” he began to explain. “I may be biased, but she’s the best dancer in the production. She has her own solo in the show and everything.” Haram kept nodding her head to the point where I didn’t know if she even understood anything he was saying.

“Fascinating,” Haram said and smiled, looking back at Jamie as Jamie looked at me.

…

I couldn’t stop looking at Grace, and see the absolute worry on her face. Sahim holds her close to him, protecting her as if she needed a man to actually do that. Buddy, she’s the better person in your relationship to protect you being in this foreign country. Haram held me close to her; it was understandable considering she knew about my past with Grace. She wasn’t ever this insecure in a room with an ex of mine, even seeing Seohyun with Lia a couple of months ago didn’t bother her as much as seeing Grace did.

“I remember seeing you in the show,” Haram said to Grace, of course smiling as she did. She was trying to kill Grace with kindness. It was a very ‘Haram’ thing to do. “I almost didn’t recognize you without your costume and makeup on.” There it goes. Grace laughs it off, nodding her head without saying anything else.

“Haram,” I finally said, giving her a break from speaking. “Would you like a drink?” I leaned forward to grab the Soju on the table.

“Thank you, babe,” Haram said, touching my shoulder as I leaned back to her. I looked at Sahim, noticing his glass was also empty. “Would you like another shot?”

“Sure,” Sahim simply said, holding out his glass. I didn’t say anything to Grace, knowing that she was sober.

“Grace, would you also like a drink?” Haram asked her. Skylar immediately intervened, overhearing the conversation.

“She doesn’t drink,” Skylar mentioned. Haram looks up at her before continuing the conversation. I knew Haram did not like Skylar, but she was making it extremely known that she didn’t. Haram laughs before she starts speaking again.

“How did you even survive being in Korea this long?” Haram teased as she took the glass from me. “Not drinking in Korea makes you stand out even more like a sore thumb.”

“Haram,” I whispered to her, trying to get her to be nice. While Haram was somewhat right, she failed to mention that she doesn’t go out to many events because she, herself, isn’t able to handle her alcohol well either.

“You’d be surprised at all of things I’ve been able to do in Korea without alcohol,” Grace spat back and smiled.

“I guess your job has an itinerary of all the things foreigners can do while living here,” Haram mentioned, pouring more Soju into her glass.

“Haram, that’s enough,” I try to take the glass away from her, spilling some of the Soju on her dress.

“Dude,” Sahim chimed in, handing napkins to Haram to wipe down her dress.

“Thank you, Sahim,” Haram says as she wipes her dress. “Now I’m going to reek of alcohol all night.”

“I mean you’re in Korea, aren’t you supposed to smell like it at a social event?” Grace said underneath her breath.

“Babe,” Sahim turned around, scolding her. “That’s not nice.”

“And what was said to Grace was?” I spat back, sick and tired of hearing Sahim speak the way he did to Grace. Sahim turned around to face me once again.

“Let’s squash it, okay?” Grace said before Sahim had the chance to speak. She started getting up from her seat. “Sahim, I’m going to get us something to eat.” She started walking to the kitchen. Skylar follows after her cousin.

…

“Yo,” Skylar said as she entered the kitchen. She placed her glass of Soju on the counter next to us. “You’re okay?”

“I’m just trying to get through the night so that I don’t ever have to see Haram again,” I confessed. “It’s like she knows I’m his ex or something.”

“The way that Sahim knows Jamie’s your ex?” Skylar rationalized. “I don’t know what the hell is going on with the four of you, but Haram and Sahim are acting real insecure out there.”

“Sahim isn’t insecure,” I quickly defended my relationship. “He’s just being–“

“An overprotective boyfriend that’s drinking his stress away?” Skylar interrupted. “Listen, I don’t need a fight breaking out because Sahim and Haram feel the need to chug down a whole bottle of Soju to get through the night–“

“I told Sahim that I spent the day with Jamie a couple of weeks ago,” I admitted for the first time to Skylar. She looked at me like I was some supernatural force of some sort. She blinked, trying to piece the words of the sentence together.

“What?” Skylar asked, seeming to be the only word see had to say.

“It wasn’t anything serious,” I tried to reasonably explain, but I knew it was already too late. Skylar already has her mind made up.

“What were you even doing out in the middle of nowhere with your—“ Skylar let out a frustrated sigh. “Grace.”

“Look, we’re just trying to put our differences aside so that we can at least be cordial in social events for the sake of you and Shawn.” I was really trying to convince her that it wasn’t a big deal, but Skylar knew exactly what to ask next.

“Two things, and then I want to squash this bullshit and go back inside,” Skylar sternly said, taking a breath in between before asking what she need to ask.

“Whatever,” I reacted, trying to play this conversation off as a silly one.

“First things first,” Skylar started to say. “If the hang out wasn’t anything serious, then why did you feel so guilty enough to even tell Sahim?” First shot blown. “Secondly, if you were so over your ex, then why are you keeping your ‘cordial hangouts’ a secret from us?” Second wind.

“Sky?” Shawn called out as he walked into the kitchen. He sees me standing there, but quickly turns his head to Skylar. “You want me to set up for dinner or—“

“Yeah, no; we’re doing this the correct way,” Skylar began to say as she started to grab the trays of food from the counter. “We got Miss Korea sitting in our damn dining area.” Shawn shook his head at her comment, knowing it was classic Skylar talk. I stayed behind, pondering on Skylar’s questions. She had a point; I felt extremely guilty if I didn’t tell Sahim, but if it was truly just trying to be cordial with Jamie, why didn’t I tell him sooner? You’re stupid for thinking anything else, Grace.

There was something about Jamie that I didn’t quite understand. Something about his meetings felt familiar and secure, despite our complicated past. All I wanted was for Jamie to forgive me for what I did when we were together; to understand the decision behind it. A part of me feels like he has, and that’s why he’s able to just coexist in my world. Maybe he’s solely just being nice to me and doesn’t feel anything for me. But I know Jamie. I know myself. Jamie was truly the one that got away. The something that the darkness once stole.

I didn’t remember how I got here; all I know is that I had Skylar’s drink in my hand, chugging the glass down before she came back for it. It had been so long I tasted alcohol; it was bitter, and it burned the back of my throat. It made me breathe easier, rolling the stress and sadness off of my body and created this layer of numbness, causing me to not feel things anymore. I just wanted everything to stop. I just want my mind to be quiet for a bit. I want to stop thinking about my family, this production, Sahim, my fucking future in this career choice–

I unscrewed the top of the soju bottle and began to chug down the little of it that was left on the counter.

And Jamie.

…

“Grace?” I walked into the kitchen and froze in place. I saw Grace at the counter, holding the bottle of Soju to her lips, drinking what was left of it. What did you do, Grace?

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

29-Year-Old Liz, This is For You.

liz

Hey, girl.

It’s kind of crazy to think just how fast time flies. It’s kind of crazy that there was a point in your life when you were juggling all of these different things in your life, and how quickly those things were able to play themselves out. I remember how I felt during that important time in your life; feeling like it was never going to end or it was going to end in a way that would’ve been detrimental to my mental health. Not gonna lie, that was a hard fucking time for you, and even as 31-year-old Liz, we are so proud of you for coming out better than before in the end.

We both know why we’re writing this. It’s still fresh enough for us to remember, and maybe more talking about it in therapy is needed in hopes to one day go through a month of February without having this lingering thought of what my life used to look like. I don’t miss it, and I know you wish you never had to live through it, but somehow it was needed for us to understand why it had to happen in the first place.

One thing’s for sure, is that you made it out of it and we are here because of it.

Despite the outcome and how everything transpired, we are now in a place where we can reflect without resentment, or feeling any emotion that triggers negative cognition in any way possible. We’ve grown to not hold grudges (you held on to them like your life depended on it before) and we’ve learned that sometimes, it hurts more to hold on to things than to let them go. You always fight to hold onto things because you would see the good in everything and everyone. We’ve grown to learn that’s not always the case. We’ve grown to learn that sometimes, that ideology even applies to you.

Since then, we’ve done a lot of work in hopes that we would figure this whole “life” thing out. The good thing is that we did; we are undoubtedly living the best years of our lives. The bad thing is that we have reached that part of our lives where we’ve put those old worries and anxieties to rest, and now have new ones that we are unfamiliar with. I like to call them the ‘double As’: Adulthood anxieties.

Regardless, your work has not gone unnoticed. Your work to bettering yourself is why we are in the place we are in now, and that we are able to move forward towards the things that we should be focusing on at this age. I understand where you came from when you were scared and afraid of making these decisions for a better life; I am now battling a new level of those decisions being 31 years old. I am still scared, and I am still uncertain how I am going to overcome these fears, but I know I am capable of doing so because I lived to see you do it at 29.

29, you will always be such an important year of my life, and I fear that your courage, bravery, and drive to be a better person can only happen if something traumatic happens again. I don’t want to have to lose more people in order to make room for me to grow. I don’t want to feel like I have to strip my entire identity just to discover a new one. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m lost in society again because the things that defined me are not applicable anymore. I know your shaking your head, not wanting to tell me that isn’t possible because you also feared these things when going through your rough time in life as well.

29, you will forever be iconic for doing some of the things that 18, 24, and even 26 couldn’t even do. At 31, you inspire me to always go for it, despite being scared to, because you’ve shown me that we will always make it out of it being better than before.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #36: Bummer Buddies Brawl.

liz

Nicki and Danny walk hand-in-hand in the lunchroom towards the groups’ usual table. She stops in front of it when seeing Milo and Jennifer sitting there, looking bummed out.

Nicki: *nervous* Hey, guys.

Milo & Jennifer: *monotone* Hey.

Nicki looks up at Danny, and Danny looks down at her. He clears his throat before anything else.

Danny: I’m going to practice in the West Wing for class; I’ll see you guys later. *to Nicki* Bye, babe.

Milo and Jennifer look shocked after Danny’s “babe” comment.

Nicki: Bye.

Nicki turns back around to see Milo and Jennifer staring her down.

Nicki: What?

Milo: “Babe?”

Nicki: It’s a nickname–

Jennifer: For a girlfriend.

Nicki doesn’t say anything. Jennifer sighs, adjusting in her seat.

Jennifer: Must be nice to have someone actually like you for you and not judge you for your past.

Nicki, confused, is speechless at first.

Nicki: Thank you?

Milo: I agree; it must feel good to have someone actually not think you’re this big, bad villain of some sort.

Jennifer: Right? Like I’m sorry I’m not this perfect human being that can always meet your perfect expectations all the time!

Milo: Exactly! Like don’t make me out to be this mean and nasty person when really you’re just reading into things too much!

Jennifer: Dude, finally! Someone who just gets it!

Milo smiled slightly, looking at Jennifer as she spoke.

Nicki: *uncomfortable* Okay… I guess things have been… challenging for the both of you.

Jennifer: *to Nicki* Boys just suck, that’s it.

Milo looks at Jennifer, confused to what Jennifer was talking about.

Nicki: What happened?

Jennifer: I met up with Nate to see the rehearsal space for these next couple of practices–

Milo: *interrupts* Wait, what rehearsal space?

Nicki and Jennifer looked at Milo.

Jennifer: *sighs* I went out with Nate this past weekend to check out his studio space.

Milo: *concerned* By yourself?

Jennifer: *annoyed* Why wouldn’t I? You were busy doing your band class crap–

Milo: You mean my performance–

Jennifer: Whatever. *looks at Nicki* Anyway, Nate had his brothers there, you know the ones in his band?

Milo: *annoyed* You were by yourself with three other guys?

Nicki and Jennifer turn their heads to look at Milo. Jennifer, visibly annoyed, turns her entire body toward him.

Jennifer: Yeah, and what about it?

Milo: *growing angry* The fact that you’re alone with three dudes that you barely know wasn’t a concern for you?

Jennifer: What, you think I was gonna let them “gang-bang” me or something?

Milo furiously gets up from his seat, grabbing his stuff from the table.

Nicki: Pep!

Jennifer: What? It sounds like Milo is implying that I would just let any cute, random guys bang me—

Milo: Do you even have a fucking brain in that thick skull of yours?! You don’t know Nate. He sings a couple of lines in vocal and you just fucking swoon for him—

Jennifer: *gets up* No, you don’t know Nate, and think every guy with an instrument in their hand also has their other hand up my skirt or something!

Nicki: *nervously* Guys, please—

The bickering is now causing the lunchroom to look in Milo and Jennifer’s direction.

Milo: I don’t have to know a guy to see that they invited you to his private rehearsal space, alone, without the rest of the band, just to check out the place—

Jennifer: And clearly you don’t know me to see that I wouldn’t just let some guy take control over me like that—

Milo: You did once, what’s not a second time?

Jennifer slaps Milo across the face, which now has the lunchroom rowdy in excitement. Milo holds the spot on his face where Jennifer slapped him.

Milo: *in shock* Did you really just fucking slap me?

Jennifer: Fuck you, Milo! You’re just jealous because every girl that you ever liked never liked you back! Get over it and stop projecting your insecurities onto me!

Milo walks up to Jennifer, sizing her up. He wouldn’t hit her, but he’s also fuming in anger for what she said.

Milo: So that’s how you feel, huh?

Jennifer: Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?!

The two teens continue to yell at each other before two of the lunch aides break up the fight. One of them takes Milo in one direction, the other takes Jennifer outside of the lunchroom. Jennifer is still shouting as she gets escorted out, Milo puts his hands up for the lunch aide, letting her know he’s fine.

Milo looks at Nicki, sitting at the lunch table with her hand on her head. She shakes her head before looking back up at Milo.

Nicki: Why didn’t you just let her speak, Milo?

Milo: *defensive* Am I the only one that cares about Pep’s well being whenever she’s out doing crazy shit?

Nicki: *upset* Milo! She’s not yours to protect!

Milo and Nicki stare at each other momentarily. Milo knows what Nicki meant by that.

Milo: She’s my best friend, I’m suppose to look after her—

Nicki: If you don’t drop your feelings for Pep, you’re going to end up ruining your friendship with her.

Nicki walks away from Milo, leaving him alone in the lunchroom. Everyone goes back to their tables after the fight ends, and Milo is left standing there. He grabs his things and decides to leave the lunchroom for the day. As he passes the table closest to the exit, he notices Gwen sitting there, looking at him.

She definitely just witnessed this whole mess go down.