I wasn’t supposed to be here at this show tonight.

I was having dinner with my family one night as Mina excused herself from the table. I look over at Lia, who shrugs her shoulders not knowing what our eldest sister was up to. I look at Haram, my girlfriend of 6 months. She looks at me just as confused as I am.

Mina comes running back to the dinner table and hands me an envelope. Her smile is wide across her face.

“Open it,” Mina demands as I take the envelope from her.

“Noona,” I began to say as I looked at the envelope. “What is this?”

“Ya, you will know once you open it,” Mina answered back, annoyed that I haven’t opened it yet. Without any further questions, I opened the envelope and take out two tickets. I was still very confused at what was going on.

“Tickets?” I questioned. I looked at the front of the ticket and read it: The 30th Annual Production: Idolize.

“Surprise!” Mina jumped up and said. “Happy 6-month anniversary to you and Haram!” I looked at Haram, who was just as shocked as I was.

“Mina-ssi,” Haram said as she looked at my sister. “This is way too generous of you to do.”

“Ya,” Mina said as she brushed off Haram’s response. “You both work word and deserve to see a show for your anniversary. Haram leaned on my shoulder to look at the tickets in my hand. I smile at Haram, handing her a ticket.

I met Haram taking my niece to school one morning back in September. It had been a couple weeks since Shawn, Kevin, and I came back from our vacation in America. Haram was outside trying to get her 3rd grade class in line before entering the school building for the day. She had dropped her curriculum on the floor as I was passing her. Of course, I had helped her get her paperwork off of the concrete ground of the school’s yard. She said sorry in the cutest way possible, smiling the most biggest smile. It was truly mesmerizing.

“What show is this?” Haram asked, looking at the ticket. “Idolize?”

“It’s this famous show that they are putting on here this year,” Mina began to explain. “I heard that some of the world’s best performers do this show. I thought it would be a great date night for the both of you.”

“Thank you, noona,” I said, putting both tickets back into the envelope. I look at Haram, who smiles at me when I do. “I guess you have to wear your most formal attire for one night.”

“If it means I get to wear a fancy dress instead of a blouse and skirt that easily stains from the dry erase markers, then I am more than excited to attend this show with you.” Haram emphasized. I laugh at her jokes; it’s been awhile since laughing at another person’s jokes.

…

“Haram-ie,” I said as I tidied up my living room area. “It’s just a little show; you don’t have to dress like it’s the Golden Disc awards.” I could hear Haram sigh in frustration over the phone.

“You’re no help,” Haram finally said over the phone. I smiled through the phone. “Well, I still have some time to think about it. When is the show again?”

“In about two weeks,” I answered, turning off the light in the living room to walk upstairs for the night. “You have plenty of time to decide what to wear for the show, even though you’re pretty no matter what you’re wearing.” I could hear Haram playfully suck her teeth over the phone; it was super cute.

“We’ll see,” Haram finally said. I smiled as I turned on the light to my bedroom. i walked over towards my dresser to get a pair of pajamas. I immediately look at the folded gray scarf at the bottom of the drawer.

“I should go to bed though, I have work in the morning,” Haram finally said. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Saranghae, oppa.”

“Goodnight, Haram-ie,” I smiled as I closed the drawer. “Saranghae.” I hung up the phone and sat on my bed, lost in thought. These past couple months have felt like what my life was like before traveling abroad. I saw my family once a week for dinner, I continued to work at the law firm, and I spent my time off with my girlfriend. I occasionally would go and see Kevin at his new place in Seoul with his girlfriend, JooAh and I keep in touch with Shawn as best as I can since he moved to America a couple of months ago. This is as normal my life has felt since, well…

… since New York.

…

“Ya, ya; I’m coming!” I shouted as I ran across the apartment to my ringing phone. “yeoboseyo?“

“Hyung!” Shawn shouted out. “Guess where I currently am.”

“Ya,” I said as I laughed. “I am not playing this game with you.” I sat down on the couch with the phone against my ear.

“Well, you’re no fun,” Shawn said, deadpanned. “Anyway, I’m in Korea!”

“What are you doing back in Korea?” I asked as I sat up in place. “You and your girlfriend broke up?” When I didn’t hear him say anything, I cocked my eyebrows up.. “Did you and your girlfriend break up?”

“No, no,” Shawn finally answered. “Shes actually in Korea with me.” I raised an eyebrow, wanting to know more about Shawn’s plans here in Korea.

“Mwo? For what?” I asked.

“Well,” Shawn began to say. “I brought her here to meet my family.” I cocked my eyebrows up, surprised that Shawn has made a decision as big as this one.

“How are you feeling about that?” I asked, curious to know. “That’s a big step towards your relationship with Skylar. Have you met her family?” I immediately regret asking the question. Of course he has; her cousin is Grace.

“I met her dad back in America,” Shawn answered back. “Sky’s an only child, and her mom isn’t in the picture. Her dad was nice though; very welcoming to me.” I smiled at Shawn’s response. He’s come a long way from first moving to America to be with Skylar, and it seems like he’s moving towards a more mature approach to adulthood; if anything, I’m glad that being with Skylar has brought out these traits in him.

“Are you thinking about marriage?” I finally asked Shawn. In the past, Shawn was against the idea of marriage, especially growing up in a home where he watched his own parents divorce as a child. It was reasonable, but I hoped that as he got older and found the right woman, he would change his mind.

“That’s the thing,” Shawn began. “What if my family doesn’t like her? What if they just see her as some foreigner that took their son and brother away?”

“It’s always a risk that couples take when meeting each others family,” I reassured. “Sometimes it’s not always going to be the way we planned it out to be. But it shouldn’t determine whether or not you want to marry the person you love.” Shawn sighed as I was handing him the advice. “This is another stupid question, but is Skylar the one?” Shawn didn’t say anything back right away; he simply sighed.

“Aigoo,” Shawn simply said. I didn’t need to hear anything else. I know he was going to marry Skylar one day.

I shift in my seat, waiting for Shawn to say something. Shawn lets out a huge breath of air before he says anything else.

“How are you and Haram doing? Shawn asked and smiled. Redirecting the focus on something else besides himself: classic Shawn.

“We’re doing really good,” I answered, smiling. “We’re going to a dance show to celebrate our 6 month anniversary next week. Mina got us tickets to Idolize.”

“Nice, nice,” Shawn simply answered, clearing his throat afterwards. “Is Haram the one? You know, you’re not getting any younger, Hyung.”

“Ha, ha,” I deadpanned, shaking my head at Shawn’s comment. “Haram and I just started dating 6 months ago; needless to say we’re taking things slow.”

“If Haram is willing to marry you when you’re old and covered in wrinkles then she’s definitely the one.” Shawn joked. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

…

On stage, Grace continues to dance on stage, and it’s not long after the long pause that I hear a woman a couple of rows from me yell out and stand from her seat.

“Fuck it up, Grace!” the woman said. I immediately look over and notice that the woman is foreigner; she wasn’t just any other foreigner, but it was Skylar. I widen my eyes in shock, not expecting her to be here. But if she’s here, then that means Shawn is here with her. I look at the stage and the curtain closes after Grace’s performance. The audience stands up and claps after the performance; it’s not a surprise that Grace would receive a standing ovation.

The curtain opens up and the stage is filled with all of the dancers. I can’t help but spot Grace on stage among the other dancers. She looks determined and focused; aggressive like the song playing. I can’t help but not watch her dance on stage; she’s mesmerizing when she does. The lights turn into a gold-ish color and confetti begins to come down onto the stage. The dancers close off the last number of the show in a closing position. Idolize, Idolize, Idolize; the song finishes and the stage goes dark. I look over at Haram, who sits in her seat and clapping at the end of the performance. I look over toward the direction that I saw Skylar sitting at.

I need to find Shawn and give him a piece of my mind.

“So,” I began the conversation with my mother sitting in her small NYC apartment on a hot, summer day. We eat Italian Ices that we picked up on our way back to her place after hauling my stuff to her apartment. “Dad once told me that you used to not let everyone see you dance. Why?” My mom looked at me, shocked that I knew that information.

“Your dad told you that?” she repeated back.

“He did,” I nodded. “He said he was lucky to be one of the few people you allowed see you dance; but, how could you have danced all over the world if you didn’t like people watch you dance?”

“I got out of my own head,” she honestly answered back. “I figured if this was something I wanted to do as a career, I had to open myself up to the world to watch me dance.” She looked down at her Ice and began to scrape it. “Your father was the person to help me get over that fear.”

“Really?” I asked, not knowing that piece of the information. “He didn’t tell me that.” She smiled at me.

“Your father had a hard time taking credit where needed,” she simply said. “He promised that he would come to every one of my college shows just so that I at least knew one person in the crowd. It got easier as the years went and by the time I graduated college, I was able to perform without every getting nervous or having 500 things on my mind.” The smile faded once she took a deep breath. “The first time that he didn’t show up to a show was when I was in India for the Dance Production I was a part of. I had a solo and everything and it broke my heart that he wasn’t in the audience giving me that comfort I sought out throughout my career.”

“Was that the gig you did after you left?” I asked, putting the pieces of my dad and her stories together. She didn’t verbally say anything back to me; she simply nodded.

…

I nervously fidgeted with my fingers as I stood backstage with the other dancers, warming up for the show to begin in 30 minutes. These last couple of days have felt like a complete blur; I’ve been in rehearsal to learn the dance solo for the production at early hours of the morning, completely immersing myself in dance. I told Skylar and Shawn that I would make up for the time we lost to hang out while they were both in the area. I also apologized to Sahim countless of times for cancelling on dates because I needed to rehearse more. In a sense, I felt like I was over-rehearsing, and now I was nervous that I was going to forget the steps when it truly mattered. I took a deep breath before I heard Aimee call out my name.

“Grace!” Aimee said as she walked over to me with Maurice. I hid my nerves with a smile before they could see me.

“It’s time!” I excitedly said, in which both Aimee and Maurice did a celebratory dance. “How are you guys feeling?”

“I feel so ready to go out there and fucking dance already,” Maurice said, loud enough so that the other dancers backstage heard him. “I feel like we’ve been rehearsing for this shit for decades.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Aimee chimed in before looking at me. It wasn’t long after that I see Sahim walking backstage with his equipment, looking for me. His eyes meet mine and he smiles. Aimee looks toward the direction I’m looking, which makes me blush. “Come on, Maurice; Grace is about to get her good luck kiss from her man.” I laugh and shook my head as they walked away. Sahim quickly greeted them as he walked toward me.

“Hey, tiny dancer,” Sahim said with the biggest smile on his face. “You’re ready for your big, grand solo?”

“Don’t remind me,” I sighed. “I feel like I’m going to puke up my nerves.”

“It’s normal,” Sahim reassured. “First night jitters.”

“Not for a dancer who just learned an entire solo in three days,” I mentioned, shaking my hands to release the nerves somewhere on my body.

“You got this, Grace,” Sahim reassured. “You definitely deserve your time to shine. You’ve honestly sacrificed so much to be here.”

“At what cost?” I said more to myself than out-loud, but Sahim definitely heard me say it.

“Your daughter probably thinks you’re the coolest fucking person in the world,” Sahim began to say. “She’s probably going to watch the live-stream and cheer you on because you’re her mom.” I look up at Sahim as he spoke. I didn’t mean to start tearing up, but I’m immediately looking up to not let the tears ruin the makeup on my face. Sahim goes into his pocket for tissue and quickly hands it to me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to–“

“No, no; it’s fine,” I said as I dabbed the tissue lightly near my eyes. “I’m just grateful that even being so far away, she could see me dance.” I look at Sahim again and find him looking at me as I spoke. “I hope one day she can see me dance in person.”

“No doubt in my mind that she will,” Sahim reassured, placing a hand on my shoulder for comfort. “Tonight is the first night of the rest of your career to come; don’t let anything take that away from you.” I simply nodded as one of the assistants gives us a 5 minute warning before the show starts. Sahim quickly kisses my cheek unexpectedly.

“See you after the show, tiny dancer,’ Sahim smiled before he walks away from me. Once he disappears from view, I take a deep breath and take my place on stage. All the dancers are in place behind the curtain, waiting for the first number of the production to begin. I look directly ahead where there is a slight gap of the curtain that shows the audience. From what I can see, it’s a full house; people are dressed in formal attire and are chatting with one another. I wonder if mom saw the audience before her production. I wonder if she stood on stage, waiting for the curtain to open knowing the people she wanted there weren’t. I wonder what motivated her to even dance the way she did if eventually, no one that was actually important watched anymore?

I see the lights in the audience dim and the stage lights turn on behind the curtain. Before I could even register it, the curtains swing open and now the dancers are exposed to the audience. The audience applauds once we are seen. I look up from the ground and out to the audience once the first song begins to play. The dance finally starts.

The harmonies of the first song align with our moves for the first number. No theatrics; nothing distracting to us or the audience, we just dance. I don’t remember much once I started to dance, which was odd since I do nothing but think about everything all at once when I dance. It’s like this time I was just ‘Grace, the dancer’. I was a young girl in Virginia telling my dad that I wanted to dance like the kids on my favorite TV show. I remember the stage outfits that would hang up on the back of my bedroom door, staring back at me the night before a state competition. I see the trophies lined up in my room on shelves that my dad build once my bookshelf was full of different awards from different shows.

I remember dancing for my mother for the first time without even realizing she was my mom the first time I came to New York. It was the first couple of months of my senior year of high school and danced at a local academy while I was here. She was the choreographer of the academy at the time; I believe it was fate to meet her in that small rehearsal space. It was fate that we only ever met through our love of dance. I knew I loved it for the majority of my life and tried to mask it by doing something that was the complete opposite of it. I don’t regret the outcomes of what being a lawyer gave me, but sometimes I wonder what if I continued my dance career in college? Would anything be different about the way I live my life now? Would I even have Willow? If so, would I have left Willow the way my mom did? I notice the lights turn bright yellow; they twinkle on the stage lightly to give the illusion of stars. The first number ends with the dancers looking up toward the ceiling, at the stars.

No. I wouldn’t ever leave her. That’s what makes me different than my mother, no matter how alike we truly are.

…

I run toward the backstage and grab my water before heading to the dressing room. In passing, Aimee holds up her hand for a hi-five, in which I give one to her.

“Go kill that fucking solo, girl!” Aimee shouted. I smiled, running past the doors for an outfit change. The majority of the production was going amazing; most of the nerves left once I started to dance the various numbers of the production. It was tiring, but the feeling I have is one I want to feel for the rest of my life. I feel like this is the most focused I’ve been while dancing, even if I heard Skylar cheer from the audience a couple of times. Once again proving that you can’t take Skylar everywhere. I didn’t mind; it felt good to have someone you knew watching you dance in real time. I can only imagine how everyone at home is reacting to the production.

Once the styling crew finishes putting me in my stage outfit for the solo number, I walk to the vanity I’ve claimed for most of the rehearsals we had here. I had a couple of minutes before I had run back to the stage. I sat down and went through my dance bag, unzipping a section inside of the bag slowly. I pulled out a bracelet and rubbed the one charm attached to it; a key. I swallowed hard, knowing that this bracelet has sat in that pocket since I put it there packing for New York. I quickly put it back in the bag once I see the dressing room door open.

“Five minute warning, tiny dancer,” Sahim said, poking his head into the door. I smiled, walking toward him.

“Did you personally tell the assistant you were gonna give me the warning?” I teased. Sahim laughs but he’s clearly guilty.

“I wanted to see you before your first official solo performance of the production,” Sahim smiled as he leaned against the door frame. He looks at my outfit before looking back up at me. “You look beautiful for it.”

“Thank you,” I said, looking down at the sparkly golden outfit. “Do you think the headpiece is too much?” I joked, pointing at the ridiculous crown sewn into my hair.

“It’s perfect,” Sahim said. “Like the person wearing it.”

“You’re perfect,” Jamie said after kissing me in my apartment for the first time.

Sahim slowly leaned in to kiss me. “Two minute warning,” he whispered. My eyes widen, quickly running past him to head backstage before the number started.

I watch the dancers begin the number from the side of the stage. I’m beginning to feel nervous and the thoughts are pouring back into my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to forget Jamie’s words echoing in my head. Sahim. Not Jamie. At this point, I was angry; why the fuck would I let the words of a man that broke every part of my heart get to me on such a night like this? Sahim is the one that knows the real me, the dancer, the one bettering herself for the life of her family; he made me feel like a human being again, like I can love again–

The lights on the stage dim and a spotlight appears on the side that I’m standing on. This is the present, Grace, and the rest of your life. Live in it. The music slows down and I finally enter the stage for the dance solo.

And when you hurted, was I vindicated? The lyrics of the song were the only evidence of sound heard in that moment. I’ve hurt so many people to get where I am. I hurt my father, now reminding him of my mother at my age, doing the things that broke their marriage up all those years ago. I hurt my mother, not listening to her advice of getting into dance when I saw it through her eyes that she wanted better for me than this. I hurt Max, I hurt Ari, I hurt Scott and Emerson and Cami and Skylar and everyone else that I left behind because I was too afraid to stay in one place. I hurt Willow, for not always being her mom first before anything else. I even hurt Sahim for never telling him the truth about my past life; one that I’ve been too scared to speak into the universe again.

I hurt Jamie, for forcefully leaving him in that past, knowing that it wasn’t always an easy task. It was nearly impossible to.

You left me on my knees, heartbreaking.

I clunched my chest with my fists, dancing to every beat and word of the song, allowing the dance to completely take over my body. For once, I allowed the dance to depict all of the things roaming through my head; the emotion, the angst, the disappointment… the forever healing that’s inevitable for a person like me.

I won’t bleed for your love, I won’t bleed; I won’t bleed for your love, I won’t bleed.

Will there ever be a time where all of that just stops? Will there be a time where time freezes and I feel okay for once? Will I ever believe that I am capable of true, unrequited love without ever doubting it? Was there ever a time I just looked at something or someone that I didn’t antagonize in my life, and that for once I am able to just breathe and be wholeheartedly the person I am meant to be and–

I won’t bleed, I won’t bleed.

The music stops for dramatic effect and I’m now facing the audience, exposed and vulnerable by myself on stage in the middle of the spotlight. I catch my breath for the slightest moment before the music starts back up. I glanced down at the audience. That’s the moment where time froze. That’s the moment all I heard was the exhale of my breath.

That’s the moment I saw Jamie sitting in the audience, looking directly at me.

My dad tried to hide my mom from me as long as he could. I remember asking about her at a young age. Who was she? Was I anything like her? What did she do for a living?

I was about to start high school when I first had the courage to really ask my dad about my mom. We had just came home from Aunt Jessie’s funeral; we had just said goodbye to Uncle Mason and Skylar for the day. It was silent, like we were both mentally exhausted from the day we had. I looked at my dad as he ate the takeout we got before we got home. He was on his phone, paying me no mind. I sat there, feeling the word vomit come up towards my throat. I picked the cuticles on my hands, looking down at them as I called out for my dad. He looked up at me when I did.

“What’s the real reason mom left?” I asked.

…

I walked to Sonia’s room, nervous to see what she wanted to talk to me about. I can’t lie; Sonia has been a hard-ass for the majority of the rehearsals. I thought that maybe she hated me or something the way she would nitpick every mistake I made on stage. I just didn’t understand why out of all the dancers in the production, she would only focus on me and the mistakes I made. Sahim would tell me to not worry about it too much, and that was just Sonia’s personality. Something told me it was always something more than just that.

I knocked on her hotel door and it immediately opens. Sonia stands there and looks at me.

“Hi, Grace,” Sonia said. “Come on in.” I slowly walked into Sonia’s room; clearly her room was bigger and more expensive than what the dancers were staying in.

“Your assistant said you wanted to speak to me,” I mentioned, sitting on the chair directly across Sonia in the living room area.

“Yes,” Sonia answered and readjusting in her seat. “I wanted to talk to you about the production.” I assumed that much, Sonia. She looks directly at me before she continues. “We wanted to change some things around with the last number of the production; the ‘Proper’ number.”

“Okay,” I simply said, worrying about the changes she wants to make. Is she taking me out of that number? Is she completely cutting out that number because of me?

“I want you to learn the complete solo part of the number,” Sonia stated, not giving it any room to linger in the air. “I and the rest of the production team think that splitting the solo isn’t necessary. You embody the message of the piece flawlessly.” I had to blink a couple of times to realize that this wasn’t some sort of dream I was having. Did she just compliment my dancing for once this entire time?

“Wow, uhm; thank you,” I said, clearly trying to find the right words to say. “That truly means a lot to me.” Sonia smiles at me.

“When I first danced at the original production, there was this dancer that did more than just dance ; she told a story,” Sonia began to say. “She was the type of dancer that you didn’t find in your typical studio. It was like she was born to dance or something. The director of the production wanted her to finish with a dance solo and when I tell you I can still remember that dance step-by-step; it was simply mesmerizing.” Sonia stopped for a moment and looked back at me. “Her name was Mollie Sue Castro.”

“Oh,” I quickly reacted, not realizing that the dancer she was talking about was my mom.

“Yes,” Sonia answered, laughing at my response. “Mollie was the best dancer in that production, and that says a lot considering all of the dancers were the top in their respective academies. Mollie was always different though. I didn’t speak to her a lot, but when she did she always was focused on the dance numbers and really danced at each rehearsal like it was the real thing. She was offered the solo the night before the opening show; a couple of the dancers and I went out and saw Mollie dancing for what nearly was at least 6 hours straight. How do I know that? I left the rehearsal space that afternoon and returned late at night; she was still dancing.”

“She sounds like she was dedicated in her craft,” I said, trying to not give away the fact that Mollie is my mother. I don’t know if Sonia knows that or not, but I figured it was best to keep it to myself.

“She was,” Sonia agreed. “I don’t know what she went on to do after the production, but I can only imagine it was amazing things, because she was an amazing dancer.” Sonia laughed to herself before she said anything else. “Your dancing reminds me a lot of hers. I swear I didn’t remember much of Mollie until I first saw you dance, in which the technique and style were uncannily similar.”

“Is that a good thing?” I asked, wanting to hear Sonia open up more about my technique. We all knew she was once a dancer herself and that she participated in the first-ever dance production, so hearing her talk about my dancing in a positive way felt good. It made me feel like I was actually doing something right in my life.

“A great thing,” Sonia answered. “I think you are capable of making history just like Mollie did, because–this stays between us–we haven’t had a dancer like her in the following productions like her since she was in it herself. That was until I saw you dance for the first time. You have a real talent that exceeds a lot of the others in this production, and you all are some of the nation’s best dancers.”

“Thank you, Sonia,” I genuinely said. “That really means a lot to me, considering I thought you hated my dancing or something.” I tried to laugh it off since Sonia had opened up to me a bit more, but she didn’t laugh along.

“Make no mistake, Grace,” Sonia began to explain. “If you feel like my comments or critique is harsh or stern, it’s only because you have so much potential to be amazing for the production. You’re a seamless dancer, but you always look like you have 500 things on your mind when you dance. I need you to focus and really believe that you are a natural-born dancer. Because you are.” I didn’t say anything back to Sonia, only because she was right. I do always have so much on my mind when I’m dancing; I always did. I feel like I’m constantly having things run through my mind.

“I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I didn’t,” I said out loud. I looked at Sonia to clarify. “You know, have so much on my mind.”

“We all do,” Sonia argued. “And for most of us, it hinders us from living life to it’s fullest potential.” Sonia leaned forward and looked directly at me with a stern look on her face. “Whatever you have going on in your life brought you here. You and every other person in this production are here because of a decision you all made, so why let things out of your control ruin the things that you are in control of?” Sonia’s alarm on her phone goes off, which cuts her sentence short. She turns off her alarm and takes a deep breath before she says anything else. “I do have another occasion in about 30 minutes, so I’ll let you go and relax for the night. Let me know if the dance solo is something you are interested in doing; you’ll have to be at rehearsal early to be taught the beginning of the solo.”

I nod my head, understanding Sonia and her directions. She smiles and gets up from her seat, which then makes me stand up.

“Thank you for seeing me, Grace,” Sonia gently said. “I apologize if this conversation happened later than we intended, but we have an entire year to work together professionally.”

“Thank you,” I simply said, walking towards the front door to exit.

…

My dad thinks before he says anything to me. It’s different; he would answer right away and very vague just to move on from the subject. I was shocked he even said anything to me.

“Your mom was–is–an amazing dancer,” he began to say. “She dedicated her life to dancing, even if it affected the relationships around her. I used to travel all the way uptown to make her dance shows just because she was very selective to who watched her dance. I had the luxury of being one of the few that she felt comfortable enough to dance in front of.” He smiled as he spoke about their younger days, but I knew things would change as it quickly faded away.

“As we got older, her career became more damaging to our relationship. Settling down wasn’t something your mother wasn’t ready to do, even if it was gradually happening. We both had to sacrifice some parts of our lives to make sure that you were okay, and that we were properly taking care of you. Your mom wasn’t ready to sacrifice things like I was.” He sighed before he continued to explain. “Your mom wanted to further herself and her career–“

“So she just fucking left me for dance?” I asked, angry now. My dad looked at me sternly and scrunched his eyebrows.

“Language,” he simply said.

“My mom left me to pursue her dance career?!” I got up from my seat, feeling the tears forming in my eyes.

“Grace,” my dad called out for me, but it was too late.

I hated my mom for choosing dance over her own daughter, and I hate that I loved doing the thing she left me for.

Rehearsal ended earlier than usual today since we were getting some unexpected snow that would make the travel back to our hotels a very messy one. I don’t mind the snow too much while I’m here, and probably that was just me experiencing life in a place I never been before. New York winters felt too gray and gloomy, and the fallen snow reflected that feeling once it’s been sitting on the ground for more than 12 hours. I wonder if people who’ve never been to New York before feel the same as I do about the winter here in Korea.

“Winter in Korea is nice,” Jamie began to say as he looked around Bryant Park. “But, sometimes it can leave so much snow behind that it makes it hard to commute.”

“Is the snow actually pretty looking in Korea?” I asked. “New York snow always looks so sad.”

“Living through many years experiencing winters in Korea, it can also feel very gloomy and sad,” Jamie answered. He looks at me before continuing. “I think every season can be sad looking if you think about it. Winter is too cold, Spring is always raining, Summer is too hot, and Fall is when all the leaves fall from the trees.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I never really thought about it like that. That’s actually kind of depressing.” Jamie chuckled at my statement and shakes his head.

“Life in general can be sad if you don’t have the right people around you,” he began to justify his argument. “Have you ever thought about the life around you when you’re in good company?” We continue to walk down the paths in Bryant Park and I find myself stumbled with his last question. Did I question the life around me whenever I was with other people? Is he right? Do we not really pay any mind to the life living around you when you’re enjoying it with good company? I look around and see the grayish snow on the side of the walkway; this looks quite depressing, but here I am, not really paying it any mind as I walk alongside it with Jamie.

“No,” I simply answered.

I look around me as I sit outside of a local coffee shop not too far from the hotel. I look up at the sky slowly growing dark and grey. I grab my bag from the table and begin to walk back to the hotel before the snow starts coming down.

…

“Is Willow going to be okay?” I asked as I began to tidy up the room with my cellphone against my right ear and shoulder. “Should I FaceTime you?”

“No, no,” Max insisted. “Willow is okay; she just fell on the ice when her class went to the ice skating rink for their field trip. She’s still sleeping.” I shut my eyes tight, feeling incredibly guilty.

“Okay,” I simply said, opening my eyes as I sighed. It’s only 6 o’clock in the morning in New York. “I will be home for the rest of the night, so please call me if you have any updates on Willow.”

“Okay,” Max answered. “She’ll probably get up in another hour. She’s staying home from school today just so she can rest.” I nod my head, understanding the agenda Max has planned for Willow.

“That’s good,” I added. The doorbell rings and I immediately look at the front door. “Give a kiss to Willow for me when she does get up; I gotta go.”

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later,” Max ends off the conversation. I hang up and walk towards the front door to open it. Standing there on the other side is Sahim.

“Hey,” I said, immediately forgetting to tell him about the change of plans. Sahim looks at me, clearing confused at the loungewear I have on.

“Am I overdressed?” Sahim asked, pointing at his outfit. He’s wearing a cable-knit turtle neck, black jeans, sneakers, and wool coat. Gosh, he looks good.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, shaking my head and inviting him inside my room. I closed the door behind us and immediately begin to explain why I wasn’t ready yet to go out. “I meant to tell you after today’s rehearsal, but my cousin and I agreed to just do a quick take out dinner tonight since the snow was going to be bad to travel in afterwards.”

“Oh it’s okay,” Sahim says and smiles at me. “I know you didn’t want to go by yourself to dinner, but I’ll get going since, y’know,” Sahim nods his head toward the window where the snow is beginning to fall outside.

“No, please,” I began to quickly say before Sahim walks toward the front door. “I mean, you’re more than welcome to still stay for dinner. I will even overdress a little bit so that you’re not the only one.” Sahim shyly laughs at me, which is honestly like music to my ears right now.

“Are you sure?” Sahim asked once more. I look up to him and wrapped my arms around him.

“Positive,” I answered, smiling up at him.

It wasn’t long after that Skylar and Shawn rang the doorbell of my room. I walk out from the bathroom wearing a pair of denim jeans and a turtleneck blouse. Sahim looks at me when I walk in the living room room area.

“I think you are now the best dressed between the both of us,” Sahim mentioned. I smile and roll my eyes before answering the front door. Staying there is Skylar and Shawn.

“Hey!” Skylar excitingly said before hugging me. Shawn walks into the apartment with Skylar and greets me once Skylar releases me from our hug.

“Hi, Grace,” Shawn greeted. I’ve noticed that Shawn’s English pronunciation has gotten a lot better since the last time I got the chance to speak with him.

“Hey,” I greeted Shawn. I turned around to see Sahim getting up from his seat once Skylar notices him there. Oh boy.

“Well hi there,” Skylar greets Sahim as she puts her hand out. “I’m Skylar, Grace’s cousin.”

“Hi, Skylar; I’m Sahim,” he responded back as he shakes her hand. “I work with Grace.”

I quickly walk over to Skylar and Sahim to not make it any more awkward for me than it already was… for me.

“I hope you don’t mind Sahim staying for dinner, ” I said as I stand in between the two. “I invited him when the plans were actually us going out for dinner.”

“I don’t mind,” Skylar teased and then looked at Shawn. Shawn looked confused as he looked at Skylar.

“Yeah,” Shawn simply said. Skylar rolled her eyes and brought Shawn with her in the living room area. I sat across from them, but next to Sahim. I can already feel my face get hot.

“Have you done some tourist stuff in between rehearsals?” Skylar starts up the conversation.

“A couple of restaurants,” I answered, crossing my legs on top of the couch. “A bunch of us went to this really nice club one night a couple of weeks ago.”

“I love me a good club,” Skylar stated. She looks at Sahim and from there I can feel the knot in my stomach getting tighter. “Are you also a dancer?” she asked Sahim.

“I work as part of the crew of the production,” Sahim answered. “Under the videographer.” I look at Sahim as he speaks; I’m glad he doesn’t look nervous or unlike himself when speaking to Skylar.

“Oh, do the dancers work closely with the tech crew?” Skylar asked.

“Sky,” I said, looking at her. Skylar looks at me before looking back at Sahim.

“What? I’m just making small conversation,” Skylar insisted.

“They do,” Sahim answered. “We sometimes have to position the dancers on stage so that the proper lighting hits them during the key aspects of the choreography.” The room goes silent. Did someone actually leave my cousin at a loss for words for once?

“I didn’t know that,” Skylar responded without looking bothered. “That’s actually really cool.”

“So, what do you want to do for dinner?” Shawn intervened, looking at Skylar. Skylar smiles at him.

“I want to try some authentic Korean food,” she answered. “Are there any restaurants that delivers around here?”

“I haven’t tried take out yet around here,” I answered, taking my phone out to scroll at the places closest to the hotel. “It also doesn’t help that many of these restaurants are in Korean.” I look up at Shawn. “I mean, of course, we’re in Korea, so of course the restaurant would… be… in Korean.” That was insensitive to say sitting across from a native born Korean.

“Many Korean restaurants prefer pick up rather than delivery; delivery is for more fast food and convenience stores,” Shawn informed us. “We can call ahead and then go and pick it up.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Skylar said. “Let’s just pick what we want and have Shawn ordered it over the phone.” I know Shawn doesn’t mind doing whatever it is that Skylar wants, but I felt a little embarrassed to sit across Shawn and see Skylar use him as her own person translator.

“We could try to order it, Shawn doesn’t need to,” I insisted. Shawn shakes his head before saying anything.

“It’s okay,” Shawn began. “Not all Korean restaurants have the patience to serve foreigners.”

“Business is business,” Sahim chimed in. I looked at him, sensing he didn’t like how Shawn spoke to me. I didn’t read much into the cadence of Shawn’s words. I learned early on that when there is a language barrier, things can be interpreted differently. Early on in Skylar’s relationship with Shawn, I had to explain this to her; especially when Shawn’s English was little to none when they first met. The amount of shit I used to give Ja–

“Let’s pick what we want and have Shawn order for us,” I concluded. I smile at Skylar and Shawn, just to keep the peace as well as the tension in as low as possible.

…

“Thank you,” Shawn says in Korean before hanging up the phone. “The food will be ready in about 20 minutes; we should probably get going.”

“Should we go and get it it?” I asked, while looking at Skylar. I can tell she did not want to move from where she was sitting.

“You two stay,” Sahim said. “I can go with Shawn to get the food.” Skylar and I look at both Sahim and Shawn. Gosh, such an old pair to go out together.

“You sure?” I asked as Sahim walks toward me to grab his coat from the arm-rest of the couch. I get up from the couch as he puts his coat on.

“Positive,” Sahim answered. He kisses the top of my forehead out of nowhere, which instantly makes my face hot and noticeably red. The consequences of that innocent gesture, Sahim.

“We’ll be back with good Korean food,” Shawn says as he puts his coat on. The two men exit the front door and close the door behind him. Cue Skylar’s squeal in 3… 2… 1–

“Ahhh, Grace!” Skylar said out loud. “Like, whoa!”

“Shut up,” I playfully said, walking to the small round table to clean the things off of it.

“So, are you guys dating?” she asked. I don’t answer right away, not really know how to answer her back. Tell her the truth? Tell her what I think? We don’t even know what the fuck we are. “Grace?”

“No,” I answered, being honest. “We haven’t defined anything.”

“Why not?” Skylar immediately questioned.

“I don’t know,” I said nonchalantly. “I guess we haven’t spoke about it yet.”

“Grace,” Skylar sternly called my name. “Don’t lead this man on if you don’t want what he wants.”

“I don’t know what he wants, Sky,” I spat back, a little defensive of my feelings. “Like I said, we haven’t spoken about it.”

“Yet you’re inviting him over for dinner with Shawn and I?”

“Yeah, so I wasn’t third-wheeling at dinner,” I said, lying through my teeth. Of course I wanted Sahim to meet the important people in my life because I like him, but if he wanted to date me, he would’ve asked by now. The thought of me and him being a couple makes me giddy, but reality sets in and I’m reminded that we never really talk about the future if it’s not about the future of the production.

“Don’t you think he thinks this is something worth more?” Skylar asked. “Like seriously, he’s here because he wants to be a part of your life, and you just have him here just so you don’t feel awkward with me and Shawn?” I didn’t answer back. It sounds really shitty for explaining it the way I did, but it was the only way I can make it work in my mind. Sahim is good company, but are we actually destined to be together?

Skylar gets up from the sofa to grab her phone from the coffee table. She looks visibly annoyed at me. I sat down next to her, putting her phone back down on the coffee table.

“I like him,” I said. “But… I’m scared to let anyone else in. The more I tell myself this is casual, the less likely I’ll end up fucking it up.”

“Sahim is not Max or,” Skylar stopped mid-sentence. “You gotta let that shit go. Like I get that you opened yourself to love to the point where it fucked you up, but now you are the reason this man might do the same.” I ponder in thought until I hear a knock on the door. I get up from the couch and walk to the door. It can’t be the guys with the food already.

I opened the door and standing there was the assistant director of the production, Rebecca.

“Hey, Rebecca,” I greeted.

“Sonia wants to speak to you,” Rebecca said, going straight to the point.

“Right now?” I asked, looking back at Skylar who is now on her cellphone. I look back at Rebecca. “I’m about to sit down for dinner.”

“She mentioned it was super important,” Rebecca emphasized. “Her room is on the 12th floor.”

“Sure,” I said. “I go and talk to her.”