The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The Unapologetic One: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

“Fuck you,” I spat back at Milo. Clearly, you’re just mocking me by wishing me a happy birthday, you asshole.

“Wow,” Milo said. “Another year older and you’re still as immature as ever.” I finally turned around and looked at Milo, sitting on the steps in front of my house like he lived there or something.

“Nah, I just see through the bullshit,” I answered back, crossing my arms along my chest. “What are you even doing here anyway?”

“If my dad and Jennifer didn’t make me come here, I wouldn’t be here,” Milo answered, now looking down at his phone. “I have better things to do than to spend the day here with the person who stabbed me in the back.”

“Still listening to mommy and daddy?” I mocked, knowing that this would get under his skin. I wanted nothing more than for him to leave my house. I didn’t want someone as self-centered and thick-skulled as Milo here anyway. Milo looked up at me.

“Jennifer is not my mom, asshole,” Milo spat back. “You of all people should be a little sensitive to throw that word around, Miss ‘my-real-dad-didn’t-even-bother-coming-to-my-birthday-party’.”

“At least my real mom is not dead,” I spat back, not caring about Milo’s feelings anymore. For him to stoop so low just because he doesn’t like Aaron made me realize just how much of a horrible friend he really was all this time. Milo stood up, clearly angry now.

“Maybe you and Aaron are meant to be,” Milo began to say. “You’re just as much an asshole as him; probably even more than him, which says a lot.”

“Not as much of an asshole like you,” I said as I walked closer to Milo. I wasn’t going to let him have the last word; I didn’t do anything wrong. “You’re seriously mad that I’m dating someone you don’t like, yet you went ahead and have this huge fucking crush on Sophie.”

“Sophie never did anything to you!” Milo yelled out. “And don’t give me that sad excuse that she was Laurie’s friend, because she’s not even friends with her anymore.” I was growing even more angry at Milo. He wasn’t understanding the true reason I was mad at him. I didn’t care about him liking Sophie anymore; I got over that shit when I knew it was a losing battle. It was the fact that once Sophie came along, I didn’t exist to him anymore. He used to actually be my best friend. He was aware of the things that would hurt my feelings and never used anything sensitive against me. The worst thing about your best friend being something you have known your whole life is that you never think they will turn on you until they do. Milo was so quick to turn against me because I was with someone he didn’t like.

“Are you fucking stupid or something?” I yelled back at Milo. “What is it gonna take to get through your thick-fucking-skull that this isn’t about you and Sophie liking each other! I don’t care about that!”

“Then why would you not tell me you were dating Aaron?” Milo asked. “If you knew it wasn’t going to be a problem, you would’ve told me. You used to tell me everything, Mollie.”

“I didn’t tell you because no matter what, I know you’d react this way. You want everyone to understand what you do, but let someone else do something you don’t approve, and now you’re threatening ending friendships with people you knew your entire life.” I knew Milo well enough to know how his brain operated. He wanted everyone to understand his point of view without acknowledging his actions hurt the people around him, and the fact that Milo willingly fell for a girl that used to tolerate Laurie’s shitty behavior towards other people. He allowed Sophie to get close to him to the point he forgot about his best friend.

No matter how many crushes I had on boys, I would never leave my best friend in the dark.

“That’s not true,” Milo spat back. “This isn’t about anything else besides the fact that you knew how much Aaron has fucked up the first couple of months of high school for no valid reason besides the fact he’s a bully. Yet, you chose to go out with him, knowing that our friendship would have problems–“

“How about asking me hoe he makes me feel?” I spat out, now tired of hearing Milo talk in circles. “You keep saying how I should know how you feel, but have you even asked me how he makes me feel?” Milo doesn’t say anything back, but I could tell that he knew I was right.

“I can’t imagine him even being worth getting our friendship damaged,” Milo said, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. I was tired of Milo putting this on me as if it’s my fault we aren’t on talking terms. It bothered me that no matter what I told Milo about Aaron, he will forever think that I did this because I wanted to piss him off. Why would I ever want to piss off the one person who’s been my best friend since… forever? Why would my best friend even think I was capable of doing that anyway?

“Aaron was my friend first before we started dating,” I started to say. “He actually wanted to hang out with me and talk to me whenever we saw each other in the hallways at school. He didn’t just come into my life because I wanted to piss you off or some shit. He came into my life because, at one point, he was being a better friend than you were being to me.” I wanted nothing more for Milo to understand where I was coming from. I wanted him to finally see my side of the story and to hear me out. This was the most I was willing to give Milo in the weeks we’ve been fighting, because quite frankly; I don’t want to continue fighting with Milo. I want Milo to be happy for me; after all the boys that broke my heart in the past, Aaron actually makes me feel good about myself. I thought best friends were supposed to support each other as long as their best friend was happy.

“You got to be kidding me,” Milo responded. He started to laugh as he shook his head before looking back at me. “That boy fooled you, Mol. He put up a front and you fell for it. I thought you were smarter than that.” Milo finally gets up and walks toward me. “Now I’m going to have to pick up the pieces when he breaks your heart, because Aaron is just that type of guy.”

I couldn’t put the wrds together to explain how I felt in that moment. Even after telling him everything, he still believes that he’s not in the wrong. That boy fooled you, Mol. Thats all I can hear roaming through my mind. Milo wasn’t really my best friend, and I just had to accept that he really didn’t consider me as his anymore.

“I hope your dad and Jennifer get a fucking divorce so I don’t ever have to see your dumb face again.” I spat at Milo before walking back towards the front door of the house. That’s all I can say because I meant it. I fucking hate the fact that Milo is someone i will forever see just because his dad and my sister are married. I hated Milo; he’s not the person I once knew. That boy fooled you, Mol. Yeah, you did.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something to Reassure Shawn About: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

I stood outside my closet, looking at the different scarves hanging from the hook. I typically leave all of my winter things on these hooks so that I can easily grab them before heading out the door. I don’t remember ever putting this grey scarf on the hook; I wouldn’t, but maybe Haram saw it stuffed in one of my drawers and decided to hang it up with the others in the closet. It catches me off-guard, knowing the scarf belonged to my ex so many lifetimes ago.

My cell phone rang and without a surprise, it was Haram. “Haram-ie,” I answered, smiling through the phone.

“Oppa,” Haram greeted me. “I just wanted to tell you that the venue for my mother’s retirement party changed last minute.”

“When is that happening again?” I asked, examining the scarf on the hook.

“Jaemin,” Haram deadpanned. “Do you listen to me when I speak to you?”

“How can I,” I began to say as I pulled out my winter coat and grabbed another scarf from the closet hook. “Your beauty distracts me.”

“Flattery will only get you so far,” Haram immediately snapped back, not tolerating my flirting today. “Seriously Jaemin, this is important to my mother. You only retire once in your life.” Heh, not when you completely leave your job for another one without any real reason.

“I understand,” I reassured Haram. “I’ll be there; you know I wouldn’t miss it.” I heard the doorbell ring; I knew it was Shawn. “I got to go; Shawn’s here. I’ll call you later.”

“Don’t have too much fun without me,” Haram teased. I was disappointed when I asked Haram to come with me to meet Shawn and his girlfriend and couldn’t due to work. If Shawn wasn’t leaving for Seoul so much sooner than expected, I would’ve waited until she had a day off.

“You know that’s not even possible,” I answered back, smiling through the phone. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, immediately removing the smile from my face when I did. I sighed, as I walked to the front door.

“Ya, you’re actually on time for once,” I said to Shawn as I answered the door. He sucked his teeth at my banter. “You’re a changed man.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Shawn dismissed. I close the door behind me, locking the door. “Is Haram not coming with us?”

“She had to work today,” I said, walking to Shawn’s car. “It sucks that you have to leave for Seoul so early.”

“Yeah, but my sister is in town for the week, and I really want her to meet Skylar. I think she’ll really like her.” I can tell Shawn has lost some sleep being back in Korea. It’s one thing to be back here for a vacation or something, but he’s here to introduce his American girlfriend to his Korean native family. I know he’s dreading it, but I also know this is much bigger than just him introducing her to his family. I know he’s going to marry her.

“I think Sungmi will like her,” I reassured Shawn again, knowing he probably had a dozen racing thoughts throughout his head. “Let’s hit the road before it gets dark.”

…

The ride was mainly quiet, which wasn’t like Shawn at all. Normally he had a ton of things to talk about, but this time he was radio silent. I couldn’t help but keep looking at him as he drove, checking to see if he was truly okay.

“Ya,” I called out to Shawn. He quickly looks at me before looking at the road again. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” Shawn quickly answered. I rolled my eyes, clearly picking up his bluff.

“Are you nervous about the trip to Seoul, or about me being in the same room as Skylar?” I asked. Shawn didn’t answer; he didn’t need to. “Shawn, tonight will be fine.”

“I know how Skylar can get,” Shawn began to explain. “She can say some unhinged things.”

“Have you met her cousin by any chance?” I mentioned. “Being unhinged runs in that family.”

“But this is different, hyung,” Shawn responded. “This is about how things were left between you and Grace back in California.” Shawn was never good at reading the room, or he was but insisted on going against all of the rules in the room. I tried my hardest to avoid ever using or hearing that woman’s name, yet Shawn makes it apparent that he doesn’t care where I stand when it comes to that woman.

“Why would Skylar care about something that happened almost a year ago?” I emphasized, growing annoyed. “You said it yourself, her cousin moved on; don’t you think she did too?”

“You don’t live with Skylar,” Shawn answered. “You don’t really know how she feels about all of this.”

“With all due respect, Shawn; she has to get over it,” I said as I looked over at Shawn. He looked back at me as he stopped at the red light. “If she’s going to continue being your girlfriend and someday your wife, she has to come to terms that we are more than just friends. We’re brothers.” Shawn sighed at my response as he began to drive once the light turned green.

“Well, I spoke to Skylar about this and she agreed to be cordial for my sake,” Shawn said. “She’s doing this because she loves me.”

“That’s not even in question,” I mentioned. “It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone like you.” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood of this car ride. Shawn smiled and rolled his eyes; at least he knew that there was some truth behind it.

“Let’s just make the best out of this night, okay?” Shawn asked. I nodded my head before I answered him back.

“Of course,” I reassured Shawn. “The best that it can possibly be.”

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The Stages of Stanning, As Told By A Former Stan.

liz

The year is 2018. The newly-opened laundromat opened a block away from my apartment building, and it was my turn to do laundry with my mother on this cold, winter day in February. It was during the week, so the laundromat was empty that afternoon. As my mom and I waited for our clothes to be done in the dryer, the owner of the laundromat decided to put on music videos of various Asian artists. It wasn’t until this one video came on the screen of 9 girls in a very colorful setting. I wasn’t sure what language they were singing, but the song was super catchy. After seeing the name of the song appear on the TV, I learned that the cute and catchy song playing was called “Knock Knock” by TWICE. TWICE; I feel like I heard of the name before… After listening to a couple of other songs from the group play on the TV screen, I was interested to learn more about the group and see what other songs they had out. Me, thinking that “Knock Knock” was their most recent song, I learned that even though this song was only released a year ago, it was their 3rd most recent song to date. These girls are working hard, huh? I went home and decided to do some more research on the group, and from there, well, the rest was K-pop history.

Until K-pop became a part of my own history.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m here to explain to you all about the stages of being a K-pop stan, as told by someone who was once a K-pop stan herself.

The first stage: the discovery.

Discovering K-pop is always something exciting, especially if you are not naive to its origin country, South Korea. Sure, you’ve heard of Spanish music and other music genres related to their native countries, but K-pop songs have a different appeal. They’re colorful, they have young and talented artists, they’re all gorgeous and fashionable, and if you were lucky enough to discover K-pop in its later generations, you would even have some English lyrics to sing along to just so that you had their songs stuck in your head all day. K-pop in a whole has something that many of us (especially millennials) miss in music: successful boy and girl groups. Our first taste of it was with groups such as The Spice Girls, TLC, Destiny’s Child, Boyz II Men, N*SYNC; the list literally goes on. It’s something that western music hasn’t mastered since it’s very cringe but highly successful Fifth Harmony days a decade ago. To see these different groups live their lives as one and to treat each other more like family than band mates gives us that feeling that we experienced with groups we grew up listening to.

Plus, these K-pop groups were young, fresh, which makes us relate to the genre even more, and yes, even in older generations when K-pop debuted artists in their late teens. The genre as a whole is fascinating, and with something fascinating, you learn more about it.

The second stage: the research.

You search on Spotify for the group you’re currently into to listen to their discography and to your surprise, they release new music every 3- 6 months. What? You’re trying to tell me that these groups can release multiple albums a year? We were lucky if we got a new album from our favorite western artist once every two years. You have a lot of music to catch up on now. You’re vibing, you’re putting songs on repeat, and now you’re interested to see if these songs have music videos to them. So, you go on YouTube and before you know it, you are down the rabbit hole of music videos, funny “iconic” moments of the group, and the infamous “Guide to [insert group name here]”, and now you’re sitting there watching a 30 minute video about each of the members in said group. You get to know the group and its members a lot more, and now YouTube recommends you videos of music videos from other K-pop groups; mine was BlackPink. At this point, you’re well diverted in a couple of groups thanks to YouTube and the K-pop encyclopedia, K-Profiles.

The third stage: Bias choosing.

There are two types of people in this world: the people that like every single member of a group equally and think everyone should be treated equally… and then you have those who only really like one person of a group, which is something K-pop encourages listeners to do. Pick a bias, but that member’s version of merch, album, and anything that is member specific to you bias. Maybe you like the main vocalist of a group. Maybe you gravitate towards the rapper of the group. Perhaps you are always rooting for the underdog of the group, the member who doesn’t really have a set position, but is still super talented. You start to realize that this bias is now one of your favorite K-pop artists, so you start watching content of the group just to watch your bias. You coo and you smile, calling him/her cute and catching all the Korean lingo that you hear them say. This group is now your favorite K-pop group of them all. You know their discography by heart. You’ve watched every video and variety show of this group to exist online with English subtitles. If the group was created through an “American Idol-esque” talent show, you watched every episode of that. You know each members MBTI and birthdays and ages and even blood type. Listening to their music isn’t enough anymore.

The fourth stage: The identity crisis.

Annyeonghaseyo! Jeoneun Liz-imnida! You think you could learn Korean on a little green bird app so that you’re able to understand your K-pop idols without the subtitles. Yes, you also learned that they are called idols instead of artists. You’re starting to pick up little Korean phases by binge-watching all of your favorite idols livestreams and online content, and you start to use them in every day conversation because it’s different. At this point, the K-pop interest you had is now slowly becoming a part of your identity. You only talk about Korean idols and K-pop, your content on social media is just a K-pop dumping ground of stuff, and your playlists on your Spotify mainly consist of K-pop music. You’re in this weird phase in life where you feel like this is the most authentic you’ve ever been with yourself, but feeling as if liking this specific genre of music is not age appropriate for you. You watch other K-pop stans online and notice that they not only listen to their favorite groups, but they buy their albums. I mean, we bought our favorite artist’s albums when we were growing up; this is just an extension of that really! You find an album that you really like and you either order it on Amazon or eBay since those are the only places you know that sell anything and everything; including K-pop albums.

The fifth stage: The K-pop collecting community.

You’ve bought every single album and version of each album for your favorite groups and notice that each one comes with a Photocard. You keep the small stack of photocards until you realize that the other ones that come in that particular album are much cuter, or, they are of your bias. You really want that card so you can put it behind your clear phone case and show the entire world who your K-pop bias is. You look online and notice that someone on social media is looking to trade the card you want for the card you already have on hand. You decide to open up an Instagram account and put a picture of your bias’ face as your profile picture. Your username has either the words ‘sale’, ‘collect’ or ‘trade’ on it. You put up the cards you want to sell or trade for with 500 hashtags, hoping someone has the card you’re looking for and is looking for the one you have on hand. You are now officially a K-pop collector: you create templates of all of the cards you need to obtain this collection, you buy trading card sleeves and binders to store your photocards in once you get them and yes, never let them see the light of day again, and now you are actively looking up the hashtags to see if you can go on the hunt for your most wanted photocards. You’ve picked up the lingo of the community, you’ve put yourself out there so that other collectors know who you are, and this is possibly the easiest way you can make a group of friends ever. You feel as if you finally belong in a community and feel seen.

You finally feel like yourself, until you realize that being a K-pop stan isn’t really an identity factor.

The sixth stage: The toxicity of every community.

You find yourself noticing a couple of bad things in the community you confidently called home for awhile. You’ve grown into it; you’re considered a veteran in the community, and everyone knows who you are or you’ve interacted with at least most of the community you’re a part of. Of course, this aspect applies to smaller fandoms within the K-pop community, unless you’re well-known in different fandoms; a multi-stan as they put it. You start to notice things just not being the same anymore; the appeal is losing its shiny exterior. You find it hard to spend money on things like photocards and albums, but you still do because you haven’t quite let that go yet. You find yourself not trading or selling things anymore; you just toss out anything and everything that isn’t selling. You still hold onto your presence in the community just to say you’re in the community, but you find yourself coming around once every comeback or whenever you are desperate to sell some things. You’re starting to view the community in the way many outsiders would: obnoxious. Obsessed. Delusional. You can say these things because you were also once obnoxious. Obsessed. D E L U S I O N A L.

At this point, you know more about the community and understand that the industry’s tactic is to make fans because that idols personally care and love them; of course with the cost of buying thousands of dollars worth of albums to even be considered the chance for a minute and 30 seconds of screen-time with your favorite group. You understand that K-pop is mainly harmless, but so harmful for those that lack the skills to be aware of these industry tactics. At this point, you realize that K-pop is just another genre of music, and there’s nothing truly special about it besides the fact that a community was built around it for it seamlessly being ‘different’.

The seventh stage: The casual K-pop listener.

If you made it this far, you might find yourself spending your money on other things that bring you joy. You might listen to a couple of K-pop songs here and there, but you don’t find yourself buying anything K-pop related. You don’t really talk about K-pop in the way you used to. You lost contact with those who you call friends in the community simply because you’ve realized that outside of K-pop, you really didn’t have much in common. You either delete your K-pop based social media accounts or make them inactive. The posters of the different K-pop groups you loved slowly come down from your walls. You begin to put your K-pop albums away in the closet and throw out any duplicates of albums you were holding onto just because. Your collection becomes smaller or it’s non-existing these days.

The last stage: The former K-pop stan.

You reflect back on your days being an active K-pop stan. It makes you cringe a bit, but you can’t deny the fact that it came at a part in your life when you needed that. You knew that part of your life was important and needed in order to be where you’re currently at and where you’re going. You feel like you’re losing a huge part of yourself; long gone are the days when you introduced yourself as a K-pop collector. So what are your interests and hobbies? Well, shit; I don’t even know. Some days, you grieve the days where you got excited for comebacks from your favorite K-pop artists with the friends you made in the community. Let’s call a spade a spade: you grieve the loss of your identity.

The chapter that you were so afraid of ending one day has come to an end, and like with everything else in life, you learn to move forward with life simply by letting time pass by.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am a former K-pop stan.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The Apology Tour: A Milo Monologue.

liz

“Milo,” I hear my dad outside my bedroom door, knocking before he enters the room. He looks at me, clearly annoyed that I’m still hanging out on my bed, not ready to leave the house anytime soon. “Why aren’t you ready? We’re leaving in 30 minutes.”

“Do I really have to go?” I whined, rolling over in bed.

“Milo,” my dad simply said. I sighed, still not getting up from my bed. “It’s for Mollie’s birthday.”

“Who cares,” I said, getting up from the bed to sit at the edge of it. “It’s not like she’ll show up for my birthday next month anyway.”

“I don’t like this whole feud you got going on with Mollie,” my dad said, crossing his arms along his chest. “You’ve been best friends since you guys were little.” I looked over my dad’s shoulder when Jennifer passed by. I don’t say anything. I know Jennifer has to know something about Mollie and me not talking anymore, but I really didn’t want to get into it with her. My dad turns around to look at Jennifer walking by with the twins. He looks back at me. “You don’t think she knows you guys aren’t talking?”

“I don’t care,” I said, sighing and looking down at my phone.

“Well you’re not just going to stay home by yourself all day, so get ready because we leave in 20 minutes,” my dad said before leaving the room. I looked up from my phone, annoyed.

“Why can’t I just stay home?!” I shouted out. My dad turned around to face me once more time before leaving the room for good.

“Because the last time you stayed home, Sophie and you were alone together,” my dad mentioned. He walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. I sighed and began to drag myself toward my dresser. Well, you don’t have to worry about me being here alone with Sophie, she fucking hates my guts.

Sophie and I haven’t spoken to each other since the night of the showcase. She would pass by me walking in the hallway and she barely looked my way in band class. What was my favorite class of the day is now the one I dread the most; I just want Sophie to talk to me and hang out with me again. It’s like I go to school and get by without talking or hanging out with my friends. I refuse to talk to Mollie after what she did, but I can’t help but miss even talking to her at school.

I sighed and began to get dressed; something told me today wasn’t going to go the way that my dad and Jennifer thought it was going to go.

…

Lydia opened the front door and greeted Jennifer before greeting us all. Lydia has always been nice to me, even when Mollie and I would argue and not speak to each other.

“I’m so glad you guys were able to make it today,” Lydia said to Jennifer and my dad. “It’s been quite some time since the holidays came and went.”

“Mom, of course, we wouldn’t miss Mollie’s birthday,” Jennifer said as we all began to walk into Lydia’s house.

“You were once a teen yourself, Pep; they all hate these types of celebrations,” Lydia mentioned as she helped Jennifer with the bags in her hands. Lydia looked at me before saying else. “Right Milo? Your birthday is coming up.” I exaggerated a smile, just to be polite.

“Yeah,” I simply said, proving her point. Lydia laughed as she nudged Jennifer’s shoulder.

We entered the living room and immediately saw the place decorated in pink and orange birthday decorations. Mollie hates the color pink. Jennifer walks over to the table to drop off the gifts she got Mollie. Once everyone moves toward the kitchen, I sit on the couch in the living room, scrolling through my phone and minding my business, not going upstairs to hang in Mollie’s room like I usually do. It sucks; I just wish that Mollie didn’t make the dumbest decision of her life and choose Aaron to call her boyfriend. All those damn guys in the school and she decided he was the one she wanted to date. Some fucking best friend.

“Milo, Mollie’s upstairs if you want to see her,” Lydia said, poking her head into the living room.

“I’m okay,” I answered back, not trying to give her a reason to question anything… even though she probably thinks I’m a piece of shit if Mollie told her anything about the argument. Lydia doesn’t say anything back, she just slips back into the kitchen, which makes my face instantly turn red. I know they’re talking about me in the kitchen. I sighed, getting up from the sofa and walking toward the front door to sit outside. Thankfully, it wasn’t too cold today.

Before I was able to grab my coat and walk outside, I could hear Jennifer and my dad greet Mollie in the kitchen.

“Happy Birthday, Mol!” Jennifer says first. “My baby sister is 15 years old!”

“Was the hug really necessary?” I hear Mollie say.

“Girl shut up,” Jennifer says back. It’s sometimes weird to hear Jennifer talk to Mollie in a sibling way after seeing her be motherly towards my siblings and me. “You get a little crush on a by and all of a sudden you think you’re grown.”

“A crush?” Lydia says, interrupting the conversation. “Mollie is too young to be having a boyfriend!”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, god!” Mollie answers back, sounding defensive. I roll my eyes, about to walk out of the house.

“Well, Milo’s in the living room if you’re looking for him,” Lydia says.

“I’m not,” I hear Mollie say. “I don’t hang out with self-centered people.” I hear Jennifer and Lydia react to Mollie’s words, but I immediately shut the door behind me and walk down the front steps. Me?! I’m the one who’s self-centered?! It’s something that Mollie said, but I remember Sophie saying the same thing the night of the showcase. Am I self-centered? Do I only care about myself? I knew that wasn’t true. I know for a fact that I really cared about Sophie. I still care about her. A lot.

I don’t know what came over me, but I found myself immediately dialing Sophie’s number. I don’t know if she’s even going to pick up, but I’m hoping she sees my number and she—

“What do you want?” Sophie immediately said after picking up the phone. I feel like I wasn’t prepared to actually hear her voice talk directly to me, even if she was still mad at me.

“I, uhm,” I began to say, trying to piece together a proper sentence. “How are you doing?”

“I don’t have time for this,” Sophie said, trying to dismiss me and this conversation.

“Wait, Sophie!” I quickly said, trying to keep her on the phone as long as possible. “I… don’t want to have this conversation over the phone, but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out later today and talk.”

“What is there to possibly talk about, Milo?” Sophie questioned. I know Sophie was trying to give the cold shoulder, but I couldn’t help but think, well if there was nothing to talk about, why would she have picked up the phone?

“I want to apologize, for real,” I admitted. “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings and for only thinking about myself the night of the showcase. But you deserve a conversation; in person.” Sophie only sighs over the phone, which doesn’t leave me too hopeful that she’s willing to talk to me.

“Where do you want to talk?” Sophie asked. Again, I was at a loss for words; I didn’t expect Sophie to agree to this conversation. I wanted to have this conversation with her at a place that meant a lot to the both of us. I just didn’t want us to talk in some pizza place or somewhere random.

“The treehouse at 6 tonight?” I asked.

“The treehouse?” Sophie repeated. “We’re not allowed to hang out there anymore; remember?”

“No one has to know,” I reassured Sophie. “Just meet me at the treehouse at 6; it’s okay.” It took Sophie a while to say anything after that.

“Fine,” Sophie agreed. I couldn’t help but smile; I was finally going to talk to my best—

I turned around when I hear the front door open. I turn around with the phone still to my ear. I see it’s Mollie standing there. She rolled her eyes as she passed me on the front steps.

“I’ll talk to you tonight,” I softly said to the Sophie. I hung up the phone once we said our goodbyes; it was time to tackle this mess of the friendship.

“Happy birthday,” I simply said to Mollie. She stopped where she was to turn around and look at me. She crossed her arms along her chest before she said anything.

“Fuck you,” Mollie spat out.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Welcome Back Week for College Black Sheep: A Micah Monologue.

liz

It was the start of the Spring semester of my sophomore year in college, and I really wasn’t looking forward to being back here this soon.

I walked towards the Student Life Center building on this windy and cold Tuesday afternoon. My morning classes were easy enough for me to get by these next couple of weeks of the semester. Currently, it’s club hours on campus, which means the welcome-back show is happening later tonight.

I walked into the backstage area of the theater lab, putting my bookbag down in a chair. A bunch of other students are back here getting ready for the show as well.

“Alright, everyone,” the director of the event walked in and announced. “The show starts in 10 minutes; you guys can have a seat at the front table reserved for you all.” Everyone starts to walk out while I get my equipment together. My phone rings in my pocket. I take it out to see that it’s Kalia.

“Hey, babe,” I said, gathering everything I needed. “Are you close by?”

“Micah,” Kalia finally said; she spoke as if something was wrong.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, standing in place as I waited for Kalia’s answer. She simply sighed over the phone.

“Micah, I’m not going to be able to make it,” Kalia confessed, ripping the band-aid quickly. “Something came up.”

“Are you serious?” I spat back, annoyed. “I thought you were off work while you stayed here.”

“I am, but my father just booked me an exclusive interview with TDLR,” Kalia explained. “It will be my first solo interview about the upcoming movie.” I looked up after hearing the director once again tell us it was time to go out front.

“Whatever, Kal,” I answered back, not wanting to get into this with her. She didn’t get the hint.

“Micah, I’m sorry,” Kalia tried to apologize. “If I didn’t think this was important, I wouldn’t have done it.” The director of Student Life calls out for us one last time before the show begins.

“I gotta go; I’ll talk to you later,” I said, hanging up the phone. I should be used to this coming from Kalia, but every time she does it, it hurts me even more than the previous time. I put my phone in my pocket and begin to walk out of the room, towards the front of the stage.

…

“Alright, give it up for Tyler Stevens,” The host said, and the audience began to applaud. “Next on stage is Natasha Wellington, a sophomore here at the college majoring in Computer Science! When she’s not dissecting code in the computer lab, she’s spitting bars at the local poetry cafe on Terrance Avenue. Show her some love, y’all!” As the next performer walks on stage, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I take it out and look at the screen; it’s a message from Kalia.

Kalia: Call me when you can, please.

I quickly get up from my seat and exit the lounge area, immediately dialing Kalia’s number. It doesn’t take long for her to pick up the phone. “Micah?” Kalia said.

“Kal, is everything okay?” I said, pacing in the hallway with the ear on my phone. “I’m about to perform so–“

“I have to leave tomorrow night,” Kalia finally said. I didn’t say anything after that. I was at a loss for words, even though I had so much to say to her. I should be used to this coming from Kalia, but every time she does it, it hurts me even more than the previous time.

“What do you mean? You just got back; aren’t you on some vacation or something?” I responded back.

“They want us to go on a brief press tour before the premiere this Summer,” Kalia explained. “The promotions have been bigger than what we thought they would be and—“

“Let me get this straight,” I interrupted, getting visibly annoyed now. “They tell you that you’re on this vacation, then one day they want you to come back and promote this stupid movie?”

“It’s not stupid,” Kalia corrected, now defensive. “It’s my first IG role in a feature film, and you’re just going to downgrade it because of something out of my own control?” I looked toward the lounge where the showcase was happening, seeing the same girl still on stage as the audience applauded. “Are you still there?”

“I don’t have time for this,” I simply said. “Congratulations; talk to you whenever you decide to say something that’s not so centered on your damn career.” I hung up the phone and looked around, hoping no one was listening to this dumb conversation. I shook my head, feeling so fucking defeated. I just want to perform and get the fuck out of here.

Before I go back into the showcase, I hear the other door of the lounge open further down the hall. I quickly glanced at who it was; to my surprise, it was Rosie.

“Prescott, I’ll call you when the show is done; I told you I was here to support a friend,” she said to her phone. I should be used to this coming from Rosie, but every time she does that, it pisses home off even more than the previous time. Rosie is a smart girl, so why would she be so stupid to go back to Prescott? Like, is the dick that good?

She hangs up for phone and sighs loudly. She looks over at my direction and now we’re finally looking at each other. She takes a moment before she goes back into the student lounge; I do the same and go back to my seat.

”Alright, give it up for Natasha, y’all!” The host said as the audience cheered. “Up next is Micah Kamalani, a sophomore majoring in Music Production! When he’s not guest DJing at our very own radio station, he’s at the Oxygen Lounge showing off his talent as ‘Salem’. Give it up for Micah, y’all!” The audience applauded as I went onto the stage and I instantly smiled. No matter what stage I’m on, I know I belong on it one way or another.

“What’s up, Crove Creek!” I greeted the audience on the microphone. They respond with cheers and claps as I nod my head , satisfied with the outcome. “Now that’s what I like to hear. I hope everyone is having a smooth start to the Spring semester! In the meantime, lemme out you onto some new music I’ve been working on during the winter break. Of course, if you like what you hear, check out our very own school radio station every Thursday during club hours!” I look around the audience and notice Rosie all the way in the back. It pisses me off that she’s just scrolling mindlessly on her phone, but I try not to make a big deal out of it. “Tonight, ima play you guys something I think resonates with a lot of our young women still finding themselves. Sometimes they think their value comes to from the validation of a man, which fellas, if you’re not telling your girl that she’s the shit, then you ain’t shit,” I said, looking directly at Rosie, locking eyes. “This one is called “21st Century It Girl.”

The music starts and immediately the audience vibes with the beat. The fact that they quickly got into the song once I began to sing it made me realize that I don’t think I’ll ever understand why the rest of my family settled with their passion. Sure, teaching what you love to do is one thing, but to be able to be the center of attention as you perform something you worked so hard for is my own personal drug. It’s something I can’t ever get enough of, no matter how much or how long I do it.

I do this because I love it, and I’m genuinely having fun. Maybe that’s why I’m so good at it.

I took a quick glance at Rosie who’s intentionally not paying attention. It pisses me the fuck off. I never did what I’m about to do right now and I don’t know what truly made me do it. I run off the stage and begin dancing along the aisles of the audience. Once I get to the back, I walk to Rosie, dancing and singing to the song.

“Cuz if he’s not shouting this out to the world, lemme say it: you’re the 21st Century It Girl!” I quickly ran back to the stage, not giving Rosie any time to react. Once I turn back around to face the audience, I notice Rosie leaving the lounge through the back door. Well, fuck, that stings.

The song comes to an end and the audience cheers and applauds loudly. Some people stood from their seats as a standing ovation. I smile, feeling the adrenaline run through my veins after performing.

Yet, it immediately drains out from my body once I don’t see Rosie sitting in the back anymore.


The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something’s Not Sitting Right: A Grace Monologue.

liz

It was a cold, gloomy Monday morning in Ulsan. I don’t remember much of the past weekend besides catching up on all of the sleep I’ve missed in preparation for the production starting. Now that it officially started, rehearsals were more about cleaning up parts of the show that needed some polishing.

“Alright everyone,” the choreographer calls out for the dancers’ attention. “There were some hiccups in a couple of numbers on opening night, and I want to go over them before our next show this Wednesday. I need everyone to get in position for the “Idolize” number; it was good, but it could be great.” The dancers, including myself, get in position to start off the number.

The music starts and the curtain opens up; all of the dancers are in position for the finale number. I stood in my place, trying to not look out toward the audience too soon. I was angry. I was confused. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I know I messed up some parts of the solo number and I hate that I allowed Jamie’s presence to get to my head. I feel like an absolute fucking failure, but I needed to make up for it in this last number.

Once the song starts, we all stomp out of position and begin to dance. My eyebrows were scrunched together, and my dance moves were sharp and popped at every beat that it needed to be. Every time I got a chance to look out toward the audience, I saw him. He didn’t take his eyes off of me, and I didn’t take mine off of him unless I was looking away from the audience. Why the fuck is he here? Why wouldn’t Skylar tell me he was coming to the show? How did he even know about the show in the first place?

“Grace,” the choreographer called out and stopped the music. I looked up at her once I heard my name. “I’m going to need you to look present in this piece. Whatever you have going on up there needs to take a seat in the back. Focus.” I nodded my head, understanding her. The choreographer turned back around to face the mirror and counted the dancers into the number again. Through the mirror, I see Aimee look at me before getting back into her starting position. I feel my face getting hot and red now.

…

“Yeah? You had a snow day today?” I asked, talking on the phone with Willow as I gathered my things in the locker room after the rehearsal. “You must’ve had fun with Papa and Mariam.” I closed the locker after getting my things out of it, throwing my sweater on and putting my boots on before putting on my coat. “You have to get some sleep, sweetie. I’ll talk to you tomorrow my little snow angel.” I smiled and said my goodbyes to Willow before hanging up the phone. Once I walked out of the locker room, I noticed Sahim at the end of the hall talking to a couple of the other people in his production crew. He quickly noticed me standing at the end of the hall. He had a funny way of knowing when I wanted to see him.

He excuses himself and begins to walk in my direction. Ugh, butterflies every step he takes.

“Tiny Dancer,” Sahim finally says as he gets closer to me. “You’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m alright,” I said, letting out a loud sigh afterward. “Rehearsal was exhausting today.” I look at Sahim, and the smile he had on his face before isn’t there anymore. He looks worried for me.

“You did amazing for the opening show, so don’t bum yourself out for the minor things the choreographer is nitpicking,” Sahim reassured me as we began to walk down the hallway toward the elevator. “I mean, Pedro has been on our case about the sound of the music traveling to the back of the venue. He’s all like ‘I couldn’t hear anything back there’ not realizing the venue is completely covered in upholstery seating and carpet. Like dude, you should know this would be an issue.” Sahim rambled on before he looked down at me once more. “Sorry, that was just me going on a tangent. But the moral of the story is that we can’t stress out over the things that are out of our control. We just have to do our best.” I smiled at Sahim’s story.

“Thanks,” I simply said, watching the doors of the elevator open. We both walked into the elevator in silence, turning around to watch the doors of the elevator close. Once they closed, I immediately looked over at Sahim and began kissing him. He seemed pretty shocked at first, but I felt his body instantly go along with the kiss. His lips were addicting; they were soft and always had some chapstick on top of them, making the kiss not only feel good but taste good as well. Once we broke away from the kiss, Sahim kept his arms wrapped around me, keeping me close to his body.

“Sorry, I just… really wanted to do that after today,” I confessed to Sahim. “You always make everything feel better.” Sahim smiles at my response.

“To be honest, I didn’t know that it was just what I needed after a long day today as well,” Sahim replied back. “So, no need to apologize.” The elevator doors open at the lobby, and Sahim lets me go so that we are able to walk out toward the lobby.

“What do you have planned for the rest of the day?” Sahim asked.

“I’m not sure yet,” I answered. “Skylar leaves for Seoul in a couple of days, so I have to see her before she does.” Sahim nods his head. I looked down at my phone, and with perfect timing, I got a call from Skylar. I smiled. “Speak of the devil,” I said as I picked up. “Hey, Sky.”

“Hey Grace, whatcha doing?” Skylar said, cutting straight to the point.

“With Sahim; I just got out of rehearsal,” I answered, looking at Sahim.

“Did I call at a bad time? Are you two fucking or something?” Skylar asked, not holding back any of her intrusive thoughts. I just hope that she wasn’t loud enough for Sahim to overhear her.

“Sky, we just got out of rehearsal,” I clarified once more. “Why? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tonight; Shawn and I are leaving for Seoul a little earlier than we intended so I wanted to see you before we go,” Skylar explained. “Fuck it; bring Sahim with you too; the more the merrier!” I looked at Sahim and quickly walked away from him to get some privacy.

“I don’t think bringing Sahim around Shawn is a good idea,” I confessed to Skylar. “It just feels awkward.”

“Why? They seemed to get along just fine the last time we all hung out together,” Skylar pointed out. “I think it might all be in your head, Grace.” I squeezed my eyes shut, anxious at the situation. At this point, I’m not sure if Skylar knows that Jamie is in town, which means Shawn has probably seen him since they got here. I don’t want to bring anything up about it; clearly, I just want to live my life without having Jamie mentioned in any conversations. That’s hard when your cousin is dating his best friend. I sighed, walking back to where Sahim was standing.

“Yeah, I’ll ask him,” I said once I got closer to Sahim. “I’ll let you know what I do later,” I said goodbye to Skylar and hung up the phone. I looked at Sahim, sighing almost immediately.

“So,” I began to explain. “Skylar invited us to come over tonight. She and Shawn are leaving Ulsan earlier than I expected and she wants to see me before she goes.” Sahim looked surprised.

“Maybe you two should just hang out,” Sahim insisted. “Have a cousin night out one last time before she does.”

“She invited you because of Shawn,” I finally admitted, rolling my eyes. “She doesn’t want things to feel uneven or awkward.” Skylar was always the type of person who needed to have an even amount of people hanging out with each other. I don’t blame her; with an odd number of people in a group setting, one person is bound to feel left out, and Skylar hates for anyone to feel left out.

“Do you want me to come with you to Skylar’s tonight?” Sahim threw the question back at me. He always had a way of asking questions that made me think about what I wanted rather than what I wanted solely for other people’s purposes. It felt different than what I was used to. I sighed, thinking about what I really wanted to say before answering. I did want to spend the rest of the day with Sahim after this long rehearsal in the first place.

“I do,” I finally said, looking up at Sahim. “I actually wanted to spend the rest of the day with you after today’s rehearsal, but then Skylar is leaving soon so-“

“Then I’ll pick you up from your room by 7,” Sahim interrupted to confirm. I looked at him, trying to read the thoughts that roam through his mind whenever I tell him things outside of my comfort zone. I like how he doesn’t dwell on them or make me explain the meaning behind my words. He makes saying things and doing things easier. “I’ll see you then, Tiny Dancer.”

“See you then,” I said back, smiling as Sahim kissed my forehead. He starts to walk towards the front door in the lobby, exiting the building. Once he left, the smile immediately faded away from my face. Something is just not sitting right with me since that night.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Early Plans for Early Thirties.

liz

When I graduated high school at 18 years old, I didn’t think college was going to be for me. My first semester of college was a challenging one; I was thrown into a new atmosphere not feeling ready for the experience that college was. I was left thinking, “Maybe college isn’t for me” when I knew deep down that this was the route I was meant to take for the next couple of years.

When I was on the path to graduating college at 22 years old, I didn’t think grad school was going to be for me. Sure, at the time of getting my bachelor’s degree, I felt as if I had a lot more to learn about writing and wanted to better myself as a writer. I was thrown into my graduate studies without any break in between and with truly no guidance. I’ve learned so much about the type of work I want to be a part of, but getting my Master’s degree in English left some emotional and psychological scars in the process.

When I graduated with my master’s at 24 years old, I told myself that I was done being a student and that it was time to get out into the real world and finally get some work experience. At 25, I got my first part-time job at my old college’s bookstore mainly because that’s what I was qualified for not having any prior work experience. By 28, I was able to get my current job at the Registrar’s Office at the same college I got both of my degrees. Of course, everything is made up of hierarchy, which meant I came into the office working part-time, with minimal wage for the first year and a half there. After hard work and consistency, I was able to get the opportunity to develop more as a professional in higher education and get full-time at the office being an Assistant to the Higher Education Office (aHEO).

I turn 30 in a little over 4 months, and more than ever I am figuring out the things I want to achieve in that new decade of my life. My 20s were a time of establishment; figuring out who I was in this society and going through the ups and downs of what it meant to live a life that was in between the early years of young adulthood versus actually entering adulthood.

While I have so much I want to do entering my 30s, something that I subconsciously dreamt of was another graduation day. For a couple of years now, I have had dreams of finishing what I started; I was proud of my accomplishments in college and grad school, but I always wanted to excel in academia. That’s when it finally clicked:

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m putting it out in the universe to return to school to get my doctorate degree in my 30s.

Setting this goal in mind makes me excited to enter my 30’s, to be honest. I think this is something I thought about a lot but felt like I couldn’t do it after the damage grad school left on me. But, I was 24 years old when I got my master’s degree. I fast-tracked into a program without taking any real break from being a student. I was burnt out but by the time I graduated with my master’s, and when I did leave my student life behind, I had no identity outside of that life. But, I’ve had some time to focus on myself and figure out who I am as an adult in society rather than a student in one. I now have work experience, I’ve done publications, and my resume is actually looking like a true resume! I’m in a really good place with a better understanding of my limits and boundaries. If I didn’t think I could do it, I wouldn’t even consider the thought.

Of course, I still have a ways to go before I actually start filling out applications to doctorate programs. I still need some more work experience in this field I want to pursue as a legitimate career. I want to do my research on the type of doctorate degree I want to pursue. I want to work to prepare myself to return to school, and become a student again; this time one that is a little bit more established and who matured as a person. I want to feel as ready as possible to enter a new program, which is something I didn’t allow myself to do when transitioning from my undergrad to graduate studies.

It’s my drive and passion for excellence and growth that has always put this idea in my mind that I would attend commencement wearing a fabric, doctorate cap & down. I think as time goes on and I officially enter my 30s in a couple of months, I feel this sense of commitment to go ahead and apply to some CUNY EdD programs. In the meantime, I want to continue to work on what it means to be a professional in higher education and learn the methods and techniques to provide a service to faculty, administrators, and students. I also want to completely learn the art of code-meshing in the workplace; how to balance out my professional, formal voice with the likeableness of my everyday, human voice! There’s just so much I am ready to embark on when it comes to my job and I’m excited to do the work that I enjoy so much as I prepare to study more about it in a doctorate program.

With time, I am definitely making at least this dream a reality of mine.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something You Kept From Me: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

“Oppa,” Haram’s voice echoed from the kitchen. “Can you get me a kitchen towel from the storage closet?” I walked into the living room and see Haram cooking in the kitchen. I smiled, noting just how pretty she looked even cooking over a hot stove. I walked towards the closet past the living room and grabbed one for her. She smiled at me when I handed it to her.

“Thank you,” she said and continued cooking. I kissed her one her cheek and began to walk toward the cabinets to take out dinner plates. “How long have you’ve known Shawn?”

“We went to law school together,” I answered, walking to the kitchen table with a set of plates. “You remember meeting Kevin, right? All three of us went to law school together.”

“And you said Shawn is visiting from America?” Haram asked. I nodded my head. “He moved to America a couple of months ago.”

“I would love to visit America some day,” Haram mentioned. “Walk the streets of New York and see all of the lights at night.” I didn’t say anything back; I continued to put the plates on the table. Haram doesn’t know much about my time in America; she only knows thatv I’ve traveled to assist on some cases in the past. Something about keeping that piece of information to myself meant that I was able to rewrite my history and pretend that last couple of years of my life weren’t were they truly were. The less I spoke about it, the more I convinced myself that it never happen.

“One day, sweetie,” I finally said, finishing setting the table. “The food smells amazing.” Haram smiled and continued to look over the food at the stove. It wasn’t long after that the doorbell to my apartment rang; Shawn’s finally arrived.

Shawn opens his arms wide for a hug as soon as i open the door; I can’t lie, I missed seeing Shawn on a daily basis. The last time Shawn and I actually saw each other in person was the night I drove him to the airport; a one-way ticket to Santa Monica, California. He was pale and sullen when I last saw him. He looked nervous and anxious; who wouldn’t when they decide to drop everything they know to start a completely different life. Shawn looks healthier now. He has some color on his skin, and his face is fuller. It makes me happy to know that the decision he made was the best one for him.

”Hyung,” Shawn finally said after pulling away from our hug. “Aigoo, it’s so nice to finally see you.”

“You too, man,” I said, finally greeting him into my apartment. Shawn takes his shoes off at the door as I get his coat from him.

“Wow,” Shawn walks into the apartment further. “It smells so good in here; I didn’t know you cook like that.” I followed Shawn as he made his way into the kitchen. His eyes widen as he finally sees Haram in the kitchen. “Oh, uhm; hi,” Shawn greeted Haram in Korean, politely bowing. Haram smiles and bows back.

“Hi,” Haram greeted Shawn. I walk toward Haram and put my arm around her. Shawn looked confused; clearly I didn’t tell him about her.

“Shawn, this is Shin Ha Ram,” I finally said. “My girlfriend.” I can see it in Shawn’s face that he was taken back by the information. He looked like he was trying his hardest to not make it obvious, but he is miserably failing. “Haram, this is Im Sungjun; Shawn is his English name.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Haram began to say. “Do you prefer Sungjun or Shawn?”

“Ahh, Shawn is fine,” he answered, now shy. Shawn was not good at meeting new people in a spontaneous manner, so I know he’s probably internally cussing me out for doing this. “It’s nice to meet you as well.”

“Dinner should be done in 10 minutes, so if you guys want a beer or something, help yourselves,” Haram insisted. I walked over to the fridge and grab two beers before closing it. I walk to the living room as Shawn quickly follows behind me.

I place one of the beers on the coffee table across from where I sitting; Shawn takes a seat in front of it. He keeps looking toward the direction of the kitchen.

“Ya,” I finally call out, which makes Shawn turn around and face me. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Shawn finally answered, readjusting himself on the chair.

“Yeah?” I questioned the authenticity of his answer. “Then why are you so jumpy? Afraid Haram might hear you talk about her?” Shawn’s face instantly turns red. I laughed to lighten up the mood. “Shawn, you’re fine. I know you have questions.”

“I just didn’t know you were serious when you said you had a girlfriend,” Shawn said, taking a sip of beer. “Is she living with you?”

“No,” I answered, finally taking a sip of my own beer before putting it back down. “She’s staying with me for the weekend since we went to see that dance show last night.” Shawn knows exactly where I’m going with this even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

“Oh, how was it?” Shawn asked.

“You tell me,” I said, leaning back in the seat I was sitting in with my arms crossed across my seat. “Skylar’s always been the noticeable supportive type.” Shawn sighed, picking up his beer to chug some of it down. “Why didn’t you tell me you were here for that?”

“That wasn’t the only reason, Hyung,” Shawn tried to explain. “I really did bring her here to meet my family.”

“But,” I continued explaining the narrative. “It was convenient to come now since Skylar’s cousin is here for a show.”

“Grace,” Shawn spat back. “Grace is in the show.” I know Shawn was only trying to get a reaction out of me mentioning her name. I refuse to say her name. I refuse to acknowledge her as a person that I know.

“Was this just something you were going to keep from me?” I leaned in, whispering so that Haram wouldn’t hear us from the kitchen.

“What does it matter?” Shawn asked back. “You have a girlfriend.”

“Clearly it mattered when you weren’t tell me that the show I was seeing was going to be that one,” I spat back, taking another sip of my beer before slamming it back on the table, creating a thud sound. “You sure ran out of the venue quick enough for me to not talk to you afterwards.”

“Hyung,” Shawn said, letting out a huge sigh afterwards. I wasn’t finish telling him the truth, despite how much he wanted to downplay it.

“Where is Skylar, by the way?” I asked, looking directly at Shawn’s face now. “If it didn’t matter, then why isn’t your significant other accompanying you tonight?” Shawn looked like he was out of words to say. He looked defeated.

“She didn’t want to come,” Shawn admitted. “Skylar isn’t the forgive-and-forget type of person.” I sighed, hating that I already knew the answer to my own question. It just sucks to hear it be the right answer. I sighed, chugging the rest of my beer down. It wasn’t long after that Haram came into the living room. I instantly try to mask the true emotions I was feeling.

“Dinner’s ready,” Haram said before smiling and turning back around, exiting the living room. I get up from my seat and Shawn follows right behind me.

“Hyung,” Shawn called out for me. I stop walking and turn around to face him. He looks sad. “Skyar means the absolute world to me, and you are more like a brother to me than just a friend. Before Skylar and I leave for Seoul, can you please be cordial with her? Can you both come to a mutual agreement that this isn’t about Grace anymore? Like, Grace has moved on, so why can’t we all?”

Grace moved on?

I scrunched my eyebrows, clearly annoyed by the information that was just revealed. She’s seeing someone else? How is she able to do long distance with him but refused to try when we were together? Before I got too mad, I relaxed my face, knowing the realization that Grace and I haven’t been a couple for almost a year. I’m in a relationship with Haram; it makes sense if she went and found a person that makes her happy.

Why the fuck is it bothering me so much?

I looked at Shawn, trying to snap back into reality. I sighed, then put on a fake smile.

“You’re right,” I finally said. “Let’s set something up before you leave for Seoul.”

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Black Publicit-Sheep: A Micah Monologue.

liz

It was cold on this particular day, yet the adrenaline I felt riding around Brooklyn on the motorcycle with Kalia kept me on a high. I haven’t felt this carefree in a really long time; ironically, I’m feeling this way hanging out with my ex-girlfriend—

My ex, ex-girlfriend? Fuck it, my girlfriend.

Kalia and I were able to hang out in the little time I had left before school started again. Kalia was staying with her biological mom for vacation before having to go back to filming in Sweden. It was nice to go out on dates again; get dressed up and buy her flowers and do all that cute shit we used to do when we were first dating. Kalia seemed very relaxed in public, which was something she hasn’t been since embarking her acting journey outside of her own father’s successful career. I know there are just some things I know I won’t get to see Kalia ever do again, but I’m so glad I can still feel the reasons why I loved her in the first place.

Today, we stopped at the lounge since it was my turn to pick the spot to hang out tonight. I take my helmet off and begin to help Kalia take off hers; she looks at the building in front of us.

“This is a… cool spot,” Kalia said, not sounding convincing whatsoever. I look at her and laugh.

“What’s the problem with it, because I can hear it in your voice,” I immediately said as I get off the motorcycle in it’s parked spot. “Little Miss Sweden can’t take a milkshake and a show in the cold weather?”

“Shut up,” Kalia said before laughing at me. “Who wants to drink cold ice cream on a 32° winter day anyway? Only psychos.”

“Well then I guess I’m a psycho,” I playfully said, kissing her cheek before heading into the lounge. Once I opened the door for Kalia, she looks around the lounge, not really knowing where to go next. I guided her to one of the tables in the back; the place was getting pretty crowded very quickly.

“Is there a show tonight or something?” Kalia asked as she continued to look around.

“An open mic,” I answered, looking at the menu that was placed on the table.

“Like a poetry slam?” she continued to ask questions.

“An open mic, Kal,” I emphasized. “Rap, sing, poetry; whatever people want to do.”

“Are you performing tonight?”

“Nah,” I said, looking up at Kalia. “The open mic was a plus.”

“Oh,” Kalia simply answered. She didn’t sound interested in tonight’s date, which kind of disappointed me. This was one of those times that I realize that Kalia is different, and her interests have definitely shifted as she got older.

“Who knows,” I began to say. “Maybe I want to perform something for my lady.” Kalia’s eyebrow instantly goes up.

“Yeah?” Kalia simply answered.

“Hey, it’s been a hot minute since you’ve seen me perform something,” I mentioned. I instantly remember the last time Kalia came to a show. That was the first show Rosie went to; she was the one that told me Kalia left. “I’ve worked on a couple of new things since then.”

“Well, now you have to perform something tonight,” Kalia teased. “Maybe give me an encore later tonight?”

“Only if it’s highly demanded,” I teased back, leaning in towards the table. It’s not long after that I hear the waitress come to our table.

“Welcome back to the Oxygen Lounge, Salem,” the waitress greeted. She looks at Kalia and then back at me. “Looks like you brought company this time.”

“His girlfriend,” Kalia spat back. The waitress rolls her eyes and takes her notepad out of her apron pocket.

“What can I get for you two tonight?” she asked.

“The usual for one,” I answered and look at Kalia for her order. “How about you?”

“The peanut butter cup milkshake is what you usually get, hun?” The waitress asked Kalia.

“No,” Kalia answered back. “I’m allergic to peanuts.”

“My apologies,” the waitress mentioned. “I must’ve mistaken you for another woman of Salem’s.” Kalia looks disgusted, and I immediately try to get off this subject.

“She will have the Shirley Temple; virgin,” I told the waitress as she wrote it in her notepad.

“Ahhh, underage?” the waitress said under her breath, thinking I didn’t hear her.

“No, responsible,” I said to her back. She doesn’t say anything afterwards; she walks away from the table. I finally look over at Kalia; clearly this is not how I wanted tonight’s date to go.

“So, other girls, huh?” Kalia finally said. She was definitely annoyed. “And ‘Salem’? You have other girls calling you by your first name now?”

“It also so happens to be my stage name, Kal,” I mentioned. “You know this is where I typically do my shows at.” Kalia doesn’t say anything after that. It’s not because she doesn’t have anything to say, but she is most likely because she doesn’t want to start an argument with me. I sighed, putting my hand on top of her arm on the table. “Kalia–“

“It’s fine, Micah,” Kalia interrupted. “I can’t be upset about your life as a musician. You just gotta do what you gotta do to make it, y’know?” I look at Kalia as she speaks. What does she mean by that? Sure, you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to get ahead in the business you’re in, but what did she know about that? She was born into a famous family; she had her whole life planned out for her even before she was able to speak. Kalia looks at me and comments on my facial expression. “What’s with the face?”

“Nothing,” I answered, adjusting in my seat.

“Clearly you’re annoyed with something I said,” Kalia hounded on the issue some more. Now I was getting annoyed with her.

“Kalia, can we just go one night without coming for each other’s throats for once?” I finally said out loud. It was the truth; Kalia and I have tons of work on regarding our relationship, but all I wanted to do tonight was have a good time with her. I look over towards a table in front of me; I’ve noticed that every now and then the person sitting there would randomly watch Kalia and speak. I don’t want to freak Kalia out, but I have a feeling it’s an undercover tabloid. I look back at Kalia, placing my hand on top of her arm and smiled. “Let’s just enjoy the night.” Kalia pulled her arm away, clearly not over the argument.

“We’re literally out at a place where you brought other girls at; you expect me to just be okay being here?” I look at Kalia and the back at the tabloid guy who’s taken notes and secret photos with his camera. I look back at Kalia, trying to change her mood before the guy gets a bad photo of us sitting together and runs some bullshit story tomorrow.

“I brought you here because I wanted to share a place that means the most to me,” I began to say, placing my hand on top of her arm again. “I’m telling you the truth; I never brought any other girl here before.” Lies; I never brought any other girl here before Rosie. “The waitress is just hating because she has a crush on me and I wouldn’t pay her any mind.” Kalia’s face softens before she lets out a deep sigh.

“I’m sorry,” Kalia finally said. “To be honest, I’m just not used to being around when you’re doing music stuff, so people knowing you as Salem and stuff, it just makes me feel like I missed such an important part of your life.”

“How could you’ve missed it when you were here when it started?” I said, smiling at Kalia. “You were the one that encouraged me to get a mixer to start making beats in high school.” Kalia smiled as I spoke; I was happy that I was able to make her feel better… but most importantly, I was glad to not give this tabloid what he wants.

“I remember that,” Kalia said, still smiling. “God, we were just kids. Now we’re considered young adults… I miss being a teenager sometimes. Times were simple.” The tabloid guy finally leaves the table he was sitting at; I finally let out the breath I was holding in the entire time.

“Yeah,” I mindlessly answered back. “Me too.”

Misc., The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something Not Worth Stressing About: A Grace Monologue.

liz

The curtain finally covers the front of the stage. Our first show of the production has officially concluded. I could only hear a consistent ringing in my ears; it was like my body was not registering what was going on around me. I couldn’t have seen him. That wasn’t Jamie. How would he even know I was here? Maybe he didn’t.

Once the curtain completely closes, the rest of the dancers begin to celebrate finishing the first show of many more to come this year. I tried to cover up all of the thoughts roaming in my head when I saw Maurice and Aimee running toward me. I didn’t want to think about this any longer.

“Girl, we did it!” Aimee said excitedly, giving me a huge hug. In true Maurice fashion, his way of celebrating is staying in place, twerking any ass he may have. Aimee pulled out from the hug and took a good look at me. “You were so fucking amazing for your solo! Like holy shit! Like the way you did this,” Aimme said as she demonstrated a part of the choreography. I couldn’t help but laugh and be grateful for the support.

“Girl,” I said back to Aimee. “Don’t act like you didn’t own the ‘Detail’ number! You were angelic.” I look at Maurice, who joins in on our conversation. “Maurice, I couldn’t look at anyone else during the ‘Endless Time’ piece. You were fierce as fuck!”

“Fierce runs through these veins, sweetie,” Maurice said as he pretends to flip his hair. “I can’t believe the first show is already over though! I feel like we’ve been working for this for years now.”

“And watch the other shows just fly by,” I added to the conversation. Some of the other dancers come to us, which then Aimee and Maurice walks off with them to celebrate. It wasn’t long after that I felt someone touch my shoulders. Jamie?

I jumped before turning around to see who it was. Sahim.

“Congratulations on completing the first show, tiny dancer,” Sahim greeted me; his smile wide across his face as he grabs me for a hug. “You looked so beautiful on stage. Seriously, you were breathtaking.”

“Thanks, Sahim,” I said, smiling as I looked at him. “I didn’t know if you were going to be able to see it or not.”

“Of course I would’ve,” Sahim reassured. “Your solo is the best part of the production.” I feel my face get hot and red with his words. Sahim pulls me closer and looks at me and smiles. I look at him, feeling warm and comfortable after my head being all over the place this past hour. I appreciate Sahim being here, supporting me and for encouraging me every step of this process, but that quickly fades when I take a good look at him. This man is perfect, so why do I feel so sad?

“Dancers!” The director’s assistant called out to get our attention. “It’s time for curtain call!” The dancers begin to get into place on stage. Sahim lets go of my arm and walks away from the area, allowing me to line up for the curtain call. I

take a deep breath and smile as the curtain opens and reveals the audience. Row by row, the dancers bow as the audience cheers, and it was soon about to be my turn. I hold hands with the other dancers in my line and walk up towards the front of the stage. I immediately hear Skylar yell out my name from the audience, which makes me laugh as I bow. Coming up from the bow I opened my eyes to see tonight’s audience one last time. I see Sahim at the corner of the stage, clapping and cheering as I’m on the stage. Then, my eyes immediately met with Jamie’s, who simply claps his hands along with the audience.

I feel my heart stop for the slightest moment. Thank god the curtain closed right after. Closed, as in never going to have to see him again.

…

I walked out the side door of the dressing room to see Skylar standing there with a bouquet of flowers. She’s with Summer and Ethan, her boyfriend. Both women smile at me once they see me coming towards them.

“Congrats, Grace!” Skylar said out loud before looking over at Summer. “You didn’t tell me you had family here in Korea!”

“I see you two have met,” I said as I looked at Summer, nodding quickly. “Summer’s my mom’s niece; Skylar’s my cousin from my dad’s side.”

“It was nice to meet you Skylar,” Summer said.

“Girl, call me Sky! We’re family,” Skylar politely suggested. It makes Summer laugh. It was nice to see both sides of my family come together to support me in this big milestone in my life. I hope I’m able to do the same for when Willow gets older. I look around to see if Shawn was with Jamie or if I needed to run before he did. I looked at Skylar before asking; she didn’t look like she was hiding any big secrets. Did she know Jamie was here?

“Where’s Shawn?” I asked Skylar, kind of nervous to hear what she has to say.

“He said he had to run to the bathroom,” Skylar answered. Right. The bathroom.

I simply nodded my head, not trying to make it obvious that I knew more than I was leading on. Why am I letting something like this bother me so much?

He was just another person here at a show in his native country; who cares? I’ve lived my life this long not having to think about or feel anything for Jamie for the last 6 months of my life, and it honestly felt great to not sit around and wait to feel special or validated by the person that claims they love you. I look over at Sahim talking to the other techs in his area, smiling. Happy. Probably feeling great about the outcome of the first show. He has been by my side through this entire journey of preparing for this show. His presence has never made me question whether or not he wanted to be with me. Tonight, I should’ve been celebrating with Sahim and my family, and instead I’m letting someone else influence my emotions.

“Grace,” I hear Sahim call out my name. I look at him, who then smiles and waves his hand towards his direction. I smile back and walk towards Sahim. This isn’t something worth stressing about, Grace.

This isn’t something you need to be stressing about.