Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 7: A Voiceless Rant: December 2023 Edition.

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You know it’s December when you’re at your office job, bored out of your office mind, writing blog posts for the Twelve Letters of Lizmas.

It’s funny, I feel as if many people (besides those in retail; y’all are going through it right now but those paychecks probably are looking really nice) can agree on this: the holiday season is when most people take their annual leave for the holidays, the college semesters are coming to an end and public schools are getting ready for Christmas break. It’s just a very slow time for all of us here at The Registrar’s Office, so I figured why not kill some time by writing another installment of:

These posts only come once a year, like the holiday season.

I feel like as a society, our minds are constantly on getting through the holidays as smooth and cost-friendly as possible. As I get older, I realize more and more that the smartest way to get through the holiday season is to start your shopping early! Of course, it’s not always easy to put life on pause to get your Christmas shopping together, but as someone who gets paid bi-weekly, it requires a lot of planning on how to spend your money to make it to the next paycheck. For me, I finished my shopping after I decided that I was going to California for my 30th birthday this January. That’s truly been the ultimate task: getting the holiday stuff done while saving for a trip.

I’ve only ever been on a plane once in my life, and that was back in early 2020 to Florida. The only difference was that I went and stayed with a college friend, and it was a solo trip. So while it was my first trip outside of the tri-state area, I didn’t experience the full “travel trip” experience. This time around, I am traveling with another person and staying at a hotel! The actual preparation for this trip feels much different this time around; a big reason being that we’re doing all of this during the holiday season. Like, people actually do this? Book trips and travel during the holiday season? And have to buy gifts and all of that? I’m lucky that I’m just trying to save up for the gist of having to do things for the holiday season.

I feel like this post is going absolutely nowhere, but I feel like I say the same exact thing every time I write one of these rants.

…

Anyway, I’m excited for everything that’s yet to come this next year! In 2024, I will be turning 30, which is a pretty big deal for me. I feel like 29 has prepared me for what is yet to come in the next decade of my life. I don’t know how to explain it, but my 29th year has felt like a more life-altering experience than my previous years. I feel like at 29, I had to unlearn things that I’ve known for most of my life, and I really had to start doing things differently in different aspects of my life.

They say that 29 is your Saturn return, which in a nutshell means it’s a time in your life when you are faced with major challenges that ultimately transform you as a person. To some extent, I believe it.

I believe that the challenges and obstacles I faced earlier this year have helped me learn new ways to handle and practice conflict resolution in ways I normally wouldn’t have done in the past. In a professional setting, I’ve learned that the most efficient way to resolve a conflict is to always follow policy and stick to the facts… it’s only when things get nasty that you move it to a supervisor. Within my new position at the office, I am learning ways to handle conflict in the areas that I manage without the assistance of my boss; it’s just one of those things I want to master not as just a person in this position, but as someone who’s fight or flight response is forever triggered due to social anxiety. In a personal/social setting, I am learning that conflicts are conversations that need to be had, whether or not they are easy ones to have. Avoiding conflict will not make you a happier person, trust me; I’ve done it for years. Speaking up for yourself and knowing that there is potential for it to turn into a conflict or argument is just the process of it all. I’ve learned that when you do that and there’s conflict involved, sometimes you inevitably have to do what’s best for you if boundaries are not being respected and/or crossed.

That’s another thing, never bend your own boundaries. Even more so, you as a person shouldn’t cross your own boundaries! If you tell yourself that one of your boundaries is to give yourself space for some self-care, don’t go and make yourself available when you know you should be taking those self-care hours. If your cup is not filled enough to fill other people’s cups, then don’t try to fill up theirs first. It’s these tiny details in life that really help me learn what healthy boundaries look and feel like. This is always a work in progress, but I’ve definitely have gotten to a place where the outcome has been more positive the more I practice setting boundaries.

There’s still a lot I need to work on, and I think next year will be the year where I actually discipline myself to do things better and think more strategically as an adult needing to make more adult-like decisions. With that being said, I think this year has helped me grow much more than I thought I was going to, and I’m excited to explore life with this new outlook on life.

Okay, it’s nearing 4:30pm; time to get ready to clock out for the day!

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 6: Conflict of Interest: A Mollie Monologue.

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“Serrano,” I teased Aaron as I walked up to him during passing. Aaron smiled, grabbing his books from his locker and closing it.

“Damn, am I in trouble?” Aaron played along, kissing my forehead once I got closer to him. Ugh, the butterflies. He laughed as he tussled my hair; it was one of his favorite things to do.

“Yeah,” I finally said, being more serious. “Why is the vocal part for this new song so fucking high? Are you trying to kill me or something?”

“Mols,” Aaron looked at me. “I made it that high because I know you can hit that high note.”

“It doesn’t mean that it’ll sound good,” I said under my breath, not looking at Aaron. He gently lifted my chin so I could now look at him.

“You are an amazing singer, Mols,” Aaron said. “I’m going to need you to start believing it.” He smiled as he slowly released my face from his hand. “So the Foxtrot Marriott show starts at 7 this Friday and we are the last to perform, as per your request.” I smiled at Aaron’s snarky remark.

“Yeah, only because I literally have a showcase for my sister’s dance academy,” I said, rolling my eyes. I look at Aaron who is waving at a guy that called out his name across the hallway during passing. I always wondered how Aaron got to know everyone in the school already. Aaron was known as if he’s been a student at Waverly for a long time. Maybe that just comes with being a dual major; you know everyone since you do twice the things a normal student would do. Who knows?

“How’s rehearsal for that going?” Aaron asked and finally looked at me. I snap out of thought and look back at him, sighing.

“It’s alright; a lot, but alright,” I said, slightly fibbing the truth. The truth was that Jennifer has been on my case about showing up to rehearsal and not knowing the routine as quickly as I did in the past. In a sense, I feel like this is how the dual majors feel; having to sacrifice one thing over the other when showcases and recitals happen. If it’s not the dance recital, it’s preparation for the Black History Month showcase at Waverly. If it’s not Waverly, it’s shows for Aaron’s band.

The bell rings and the students roaming the halls begin to walk to their classrooms. Aaron grabs his bookbag and throws it on his shoulder. I wish I was able to skip class for the day and just disappear for the day. I don’t; I know Aaron would be sad if I didn’t come to vocal at the end of the day, but I am dreading rehearsal for that.

“I’ll see you in vocal, Mols,” Aaron said, wrapping his free arm around me for a hug. “Remember we have quartets today.” Trust me, I remember.

“See you later, Aaron,” I said back, watching Aaron walk down the hall towards his next class. My smile fades away as soon as he leaves. I turn the other way to walk to my next class, and to my surprise I see Milo still at his locker. I haven’t spoken to Milo since the last time he came over my house and he had left to go and meet up with Sophie. Instead of passing by him and his locker, I take the other staircase and go upstairs to my next class.

…

I hate that I’m one of the first people to get to vocal before class starts. Today wasn’t any different. I walk into the vocal room and see Mr. Kamalani sit at hide desk.

“Good Afternoon, Miss Castro,” Mr. Kamalani said. “Are you ready for today’s quartets?”

“I guess,” I said, placing my bookbag on the floor next to my chair.

“Well,” Mr. Kamalani began to say as he got up from his seat. “I hope that you took the feedback from our last quartets and practiced for today.” He leaned against the piano and looked at me with his arms crossed along his chest. “Is everything okay, Mollie?” Oh boy, not the first name.

“Everything is fine,” I answered, feeling a bit annoyed.

“I understand you have other obligations outside of Waverly,” he continued to hint. “But your school work is just as important as your extracurricular activities.”

“I told Jennifer I’m coming to dance rehearsal today,” I finally said, knowing where this conversation was heading. “You can tell Jennifer to relax.”

“I’m not referring to that,” Mr. Kamalani corrected. “I’m referring to all the time you are spending with Aaron. I don’t want you failing your major class when you are easily one of my best students.” Slowly, my other classmates begin to walk into the room. Mr. Kamalani greets the other students as they walked in.

“Good Afternoon, Mr. Kamalani, Ms. Lee,” he said as Milo walked by the classroom. I looked at Milo has he said goodbye to Sophie at the door. I rolled my eyes, looking away from their weird encounter.

Passing by Milo and Sophie at the door was Aaron. “Good Afternoon, Mr. Serrano,” Mr. Kamalani said.

“What’s up, Mr. Kamalani!” Aaron greeted back. “Time to do these quartets, y’all,” Aaron had said to everyone else in the classroom. I couldn’t help but smile at Aaron’s positive attitude. Let it be Aaron Serrano to piss everyone off yet make me feel at ease after a stressful day.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 5: Liz, My True Best Friend.

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I can remember the names of every best friend I’ve had since I was four years old. I always had a best friend. It was that feeling that the person you told your deepest secrets to, the person that you saw every day and knew every little thing about, was what made having a best friend so fun. Like every best friend, there were fights, falling outs, and everything else that came with having someone in your life that meant that much to you.

When I was younger, I saw my best friends more than just that. They were sisters, they were brothers, and some became crushes at one point. Some of these best friends shaped me as as person growing up, and others taught me life lessons that I still live by to this day. Most, if not all, have taught me one important lesson that I never fully understand until I lost my best friends through disagreements, arguments, or simply just growing apart.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am truly my own best friend.

People say this all the time when we are growing up; at the end of the day, you only have yourself to support, care, and love for once everyone else leaves. The person you spend the most time on this earth is truly yourself, and even though it’s important to have connections with other people, it’s also important to know that your own company is the one that truly matters. Spend your time on good terms with yourself, treat yourself the way that you would treat others. It wasn’t until I went through my twenties figuring this out. I sought out friends to help define who I was and thought that something was wrong with me when I said I didn’t have friends. I thought that my social anxiety disorder was the blame to why I couldn’t make friends, but ironically thought it was to blame when I couldn’t keep friends.

I love my friends when I have them, but I quickly realized that the love I have for my friends need healthy boundaries, something you aren’t taught when you first make friends early on in your life. I love my friends when I have them, but I knew that the love I have for them quickly replaces the love I should be giving myself. So yeah, friendship breakups were ugly, just how romantic ones can be.

When you start focusing on loving yourself, setting the healthy boundaries you need with yourself, and start to see yourself as another human being that is worthy of love too, that’s when you realize that your true best friend is yourself.

When you see yourself as your own best friend, you start to do things that you normally wouldn’t have done for yourself. For me, I started to take myself out more often. I went to more concerts and shows, planned more trips and attended more events without the need of someone else. For me, I do not see these solo adventures as pity; “Why are you doing that by yourself? Don’t you want to bring friends?” Those questions are normal to hear when you say that you’re doing things on your own. For me, I am going out with a friend; me. And sure, you might read this and think it’s pretty pathetic, but no matter what type of person you are, the best and healthiest friendship to have is with yourself.

Compliment yourself. Go out to dinner with yourself. Go to a concert (or two) by yourself. Stick up for yourself the way you would for other human beings you call friends. Show yourself the same love and energy you would for another person you would call your friend. Fuck it, be your own best friend, because it will be the best fucking friend you’ll ever have in life.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 4: Last Black Sheep on Earth: A Micah Monologue.

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I’m suppose to be meeting Rosie at the library today to work on this dumb art project, but of course in true Rosie nature, she is late.

It had been weeks since Rosie and I spoke after finding out we were both in the same class this semester. Our professor was getting on our case about not having any ideas on what we wanted to do as a final project, and that was only because Rosie refused to talk to me. Someone had to be the bigger person.

I texted Rosie last night, not realizing that he last time we spoke was right before she came to my house a couple of months ago. That night. Some days I remember that night as if it just happened; other days it feels like it has been an eternity since it did; when Rosie and I were on good terms. At this rate, I don’t think Rosie and I will ever be on good terms like we once were.

Before I type up the text to send to Rosie, I hear a massive engine of a car in the parking lot. I don’t even have to look up to see whose car it was; only the most expensive cars sound that expensive. I hate that Rosie gives me reason time and time again to believe that this was more than just the money at this point; she loved that asshole, no matter how shitty he treated her. Who am I to tell a grown woman what she should do with her life?

The front door of the library opens, and in walks Rosie. She looks around until she sees me, in which her smile quickly turns into annoyance. I rolled my eyes and looked down, back at my notebook. Rosie sat in the seat across from me at the table, slamming her bookbag on the table. I can’t lie, it startled me.

“Yo, you’re carrying bricks in your bag or something?” I said, more annoyed than joking around. Rosie doesn’t answer; she simply just takes out her notebook from her very large bookbag. She slides the bookbag on the floor, which also makes a loud thud sound.

“So, what are we doing for this project?” Rosie asked, changing the subject. “I’m tired of hearing Professor Ramirez asking us for our ideas.”

“You’ve haven’t reached out to me since we were assigned this project,” I mentioned. “How were we supposed to come up with an idea?” I finally looked up at Rosie, taking in her image. She looks like she just rolled out of bed; she probably rolled out of Prescott’s bed, like, 15 minutes ago. Rosie rolled her eyes as a response. She flips her notebook to a blank page, placing a pen in her hand.

“So we should do a modern take on renaissance paintings through photography,” Rosie suggested. “I’m not saying we should reenact paintings and play dress up and shit, but find inspiration through photography that embodies the aura of renaissance paintings.” One thing I can’t take away from Rosie is that she was passionate about art. She was always doodling in the margins of her notebook whenever we would be in class, learning about the history instead of actually doing it. Rosie was smart; brilliant even, when it came to art. She would’ve been a Waverly High student if she lived in New York her teenage years. Maybe so much of her life would’ve been different if she focused on her passion instead of other things. “Does that work?”

“Huh?” I said, notably not paying attention.

“My idea,” Rosie emphasized, clearly annoyed. “Do you want to do something like that for the project?”

“I think that works, ” I said. I genuinely liked the idea; it was different than what I heard our other classmates were planning to do. That’s the thing about Rosie; she was always different, no matter what she wore, did, or acted. She’s not your typical 20-year old girl that is just looking to pass all of her classes and get a degree in four years. She challenged the normalcy of what it was to be a 20-year-old girl in college. She was, in the best way she would describe it, a black sheep.

“Thanks,” Rosie said, closing her notebook. “Nice to know one of us was thinking about ideas.” That’s the thing about Rosie, she also knew how to ruin a perfectly good and stable moment.

“For fuck’s sake, Roe; can’t we just get along for at least 5 minutes of our meeting?” I said, not wanting to deal with her bullshit.

“We did,” Rosie said as she packed her notebook in her bag and got up from her seat. “I explained my project idea to you in 5 minutes.” She looked at me straight in the eyes for a moment. “Do not call me Roe.”

“Whatever, Roe,” I sad, purposely calling her by the nickname I gave her when we were once friends.

“Fuck off, Micah,” Rosie said before turning around to leave the library. I was completely over Rosie at this point. No matter how many times I try to be cordial with this girl, she always wants to pick a fight. If it’s a fight she wants, a fight she will get.

“Not if you were the last black sheep on Earth,” I said, laughing as I got up from my seat. “Go on and run to your boyfriend’s Porsche; every minute on the clock matters, am I right?” Rosie immediately turns around and drops her bag on the floor, causing a scene.

“You’re nothing but a little bitch,” Rosie spat out. “That’s why Kalia keeps making and breaking up with you, she’s probably flew back to Sweden to fuck her co-star after she was tired of faking it.”

“Yeah?” I said out loud, furious at Rosie. “That’s not what you said when we fucked in my room that one night!” Before I knew it, Rosie shoved me so hard, my back hit the chair that was behind me. Immediately, public safety came in to break up the altercation.

“Alright, break it up!” the peace officer said, staying in between Rosie and I. Rosie picked up her bookbag from the floor and ran out of the library.

That’s the thing about Rosie. She will only tell you half of the story and run off once the truth comes out.

Music Reviews, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 3: Top 5 Albums of 2023!

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Earlier this year, I decided to document the top 5 albums of 2023 (so far), and was very curious to see if the lineup would change by the time December came along. So, here we are doing just that! It’s interesting to see just how different this final list is compared to one back in July; I feel like my list has gone back to almost all K-Pop music, but let’s save it for the actual list!

So without further ado, these are my top 5 albums of 2023, starting with number five!

5.) Qveen Herby – MUSE

Despite my list changing drastically since first writing it in July, this album still reigns as one of my favorites of the year. For the first half of the year, this album was on repeat and on various Spotify playlists of mine. Like I said in my July post, Qveen Herby was once part of a couple duo back in 2013 called Karmin, best known for their song “Brokenhearted”. She’s been rapping under this persona for a couple of years now, and although I liked some of her previous EPs, this full-length album was really a no-skip album, with songs like “THANK GODDESS,” “5D”, “MARIE ANTOINETTE”, and “DRESS CODE”. She’s super talented and really deserves all the love she gets on social media.

4.) (G)I-DLE – HEAT

This album is straight heat, no pun intended. This album kind of dropped out of the blue, or perhaps I was late to find out about this release. For those who may not know this group, (G)I-DLE is a 5-member (formally 6) K-pop girl group under CUBE Entertainment. They debuted in 2018 and these girls are known to experimenting with different concepts and slaying them effortlessly. These girls are named Miyeon, Minnie, Soyeon, Yuqi, and Shuhua; this girl group has more foreign members than Korean, which is something that wasn’t common in the time that they debuted. Many groups had foreign members in them prior to their debut, but the number of Korean members always outnumbered the foreign members in groups. What also makes this group unique is that Soyeon–the group’s leader, center, and main rapper–writes, composes, and produces all of their Korean comebacks and she never misses. While the group was always high in popularity since debut, the song that really took the group off was their first full-length album, I Never Die, which featured their title track, “Tomboy”, back in 2022. Since then, the girl’s comebacks have all been so different from the last; you truly never know what direction (G)I-DLE will go down. Like this English studio album.

This album very much feels like what y2k artists would put out back in the day. It’s dancey, catchy, and something you would hear at a club in your business casual attire. Their first single off of the album, “I DO”, is a little slow in pace, but it fits with the vocalists’ sound so well and really showcases the different colors that the group has vocal-wise. The second single, “I Want That” is so y2k-club coded; it instantly gets stuck in your head after a few listens. My current favorite song off of the album is “Eyes Roll”, which honestly all these girls ate, but this was Yuqi’s song forreal. Anyway, I hope that these girls do get the recognition internationally (I mean, they already do, but I mean in a mainstream, Top 40 way) because these girls are versatile and can definitely hang in the western music category.

3.) WOODZ – OO-LI

Another album that has survived the list is this masterpiece of an album… but are we surprised since we’re talking about WOODZ? WOODZ, also known as Cho Seungyoun, knows how to make hit, no-skip albums. Fans were ultimately worried when he initially left his old agency, Yuehua Entertainment, after his contract expired and went under EDAM Entertainment, a much smaller agency with only one or two known solo acts (i.e, one being soloist, IU). This album was much different than the previous things he had put out, but he was known for experimenting with different genres when he released new music. OO-LI felt more mature and not so much in the mainstream K-pop realm. While the title track isn’t my favorite off of this particular album (for some reason I never really vibe with them), the B-sides hit so hard. I think my favorite song of 2023 is his b-side called “Drowning”, which I have deemed to be a part of the soundtrack of my life, and that says a lot. In the time I’m writing this, I am actually going to see him live in concert in early December; man, I am ready to sing and cry at the same damn time.

2.) Demi Lovato – REVAMPED

Demi has gone to be one of my top favorite artists since going back to her rock roots in her music, and I’m so glad that she released this album of her old hits and revamped them into rock versions! I don’t care what anyone says, I think it’s a great idea for artists to re-record their older stuff and change it in ways that fits to their current style. Taylor Swift wasn’t the first to do this, but her popularity in the music industry has made re-recording albums a thing in it, so I’m glad Demi decided to put a twist on her older hits and make them “rock versions”, or, “Demi Versions”. The album consists of ten songs from her previous discography: “La La Land” and “Don’t Forget” from her debut album Don’t Forget, “Skyscraper” and “Give Your Heart a Break” from her third studio album Unbroken, “Heart Attack” and “Neon Lights” from her fourth studio album Demi, “Confident” and “Cool for the Summer” from her fifth studio album Confident, and finishing off with “Tell Me You Love Me” and “Sorry Not Sorry” from her sixth studio album Tell Me You Love Me. I would’ve personally loved to hear some revamped versions of songs from her sophomore album Here We Go Again and a revamp of her debut single, “Get Back”, but maybe she’s going to make a part two since this was well received by her fans! Anyway, there’s nothing I can say besides that I’m so glad Demi has reconnected with the sound that she felt was being true to herself, because let’s be honest; this is where she should’ve been throughout her entire career. If you were once a Demi fan during these different eras of her career, definitely give these rock versions a chance as they are all so good.

1.) NewJeans – GET UP

Little fun fact: this was the first album that came to mind when listing my top 5 favorite albums of the year since I knew this was making the list when it first came out. Also, it’s a K-pop album! Although most people might know this group, NewJeans is a five-member girl group under Ador, a sublabel within HYBE; home of groups like BTS, TXT, Le Sserafim, Seventeen, and Fromis_9. These five girls, Minji, Hanni, Danielle, Haerin, and Hyein, debuted in 2022 really out of nowhere since they came into the K-pop scene without any visuals or teasers of the members announcing this new rookie group. Instead, they came out with their first single, “Attention” and then released their first debut mini album shortly after. These girls blew up, as they re-introduced a sound to K-pop that is fresh and nostalgic during a time when girl crush and loud music were popular in K-Pop. While they had a small comeback earlier this year in January, their long-awaited (and anticipated) second mini album was released during the summer and man, the chokehold this album had on me for the entire summer was intense. Every song was so good on their, even the shorter, interlude song, “Get Up”. We were robbed of a real good song with “Get Up” being only 30 seconds. Anyway, they pretty much promoted the entire album on music shows upon it’s release; “NewJeans” and “Super Shy” were pre-release singles up until the album’s release date, and “ETA” being the official title track along with the promotional b-side, “Cool With You”. As much as this group gets a lot of backlash for its choices for music videos and earlier song lyrics not being appropriate for its minor members, these girls have a distinct sound that works for them and I’m curious to see how they reinvent that sound throughout their career as a group.

And that’s pretty much it! I did not think that more K-pop albums would be on my list considering I don’t really identify with my K-Pop self anymore, I guess the albums were just too good to ignore this year. Anyway, I hope that if you guys haven’t yet, give these albums a listen as they are all so good!

I guess we’ll see what we’re vibing with in July 2024 to count down those top 5 albums. Until then, readers!

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 2: Something on the Radio: A Jamie Monologue.

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The thing about white noise is that it can truly come from anything in your surroundings. White noise can be people in the room who keep the conversation going. White noise could be the humming sound of the fluorescent lights in your office when it’s a slow work day. In this case, it’s the radio playing in the car as I drive, playing Korean top hits.

…

Skylar looked upset seeing Shawn as wasted as he was tonight. She nearly dropped everything she was doing and walked over to Shawn, who was being held up by my own arms.

“What the fuck happened?” Skylar yelled out, trying to pick up Shawn’s face. Shawn sees Skylar and smiles wide. His face is more red than pink at this point; it usually means he’s drunk beyond repair. He’s going to feel it tomorrow.

“Babyyyy,” Shawn finally said, looking up at Skylar. “You look so pretty tonight! Gosh, I have the prettiest girlfriend in the world!” Skylar doesn’t say anything back to him, she simply takes Shawn from me and puts in on the sofa in front of us.

“What did you do to Shawn?” Skylar asked as she put him down to sit.

“I didn’t do anything to him,” I answered, feeling defensive. “He’s a grown man.”

“You couldn’t stop him?” Skylar complained, brushing the hair from Shawn’s face with her hands.

“And do what? Take the man’s wallet?” I questioned, growing annoyed that Skylar would put this on me. Both of us look at Shawn, who’s now waving his hand to speak.

“Baby, it’s my fault,” Shawn slurred. “Hyung tried stopping me, but I was in my head and kept drinking until I was out of it.” Skylar turned back around and took a sigh of relief; at least he was coherent enough to have my back. He looked back up to Skylar and smiled. “I just want to be the perfect boyfriend for you, baby.”

“You already are,” Skylar reassured him, holding his red face in the palm of her hands. “But please don’t drink like this ever again.”

I looked over at Grace, sitting at the end chair in the living room watching all of this unfold. I couldn’t help but stare but every now and then I would force myself to look away.

“I’m sorry that the night ended like this,” I said to Skylar. She shook her head before responding back to me.

“Me too,” she finally said, looking over at Grace. “I’m sorry about tonight, I think it would be best if I went ahead and took care of him tonight.”

“Of course,” Grace said as she stood up, gathering her stuff from the closet nearest to me. She never looked at me or said anything to me when she did. “I’ll just take a cab back to my place…”

“I can drive you,” I burst out, not really thinking of the situation properly. I didn’t want Grace to have to take a shady cab in the middle of the night, in a foreign country might I add, without offering. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s fine,” Grace quickly said to me, dismissing the thought.

“It’s late,” I emphasized.

“This isn’t the first time I took a cab late at night,” Grace snapped back, saying it more to Skylar than to me.

“In Korea?” I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.

“Grace, let the man drive you home for fuck’s sake,” Skylar finally said, annoyed at the situation. Grace rolled her eyes and finally turned around to face me. Aigoo.

“Whatever,” Grace said, walking toward the front door. “Have a good night babying Shawn.” She walked past me and out the front door. I looked at Skylar, who simply shook her head.

“I’ll make sure she gets home,” I said.

…

“So,” I finally said out loud to the air as I drove. “How are you liking Ulsan so far?” Grace didn’t answer right away; instead, she sighed loudly, as if talking to me was more of a tedious chore than casual. I can’t keep listening to the music on the radio.

“It’s nice,” Grace said, looking out of the passenger window. I looked at her before looking back at the road.

“Yeah,” I continued the conversation. “Winter in Korea can be both beautiful and brutal. The snow’s always nice to look at, but after the first 5 times of getting snow, it can get tiring.”

“Oh,” Grace simply said. I was growing frustrated that she wasn’t even trying to have a conversation with me. Her cousin and my best friend are on a one-way ticket to a wedding chapel, and at this point, it’s important that we get along for the sake of them.

“Yeah,” I simply said. What else can I bring up to have some sort of communication happening in this already long drive?

“How’s the production going?” I asked, thinking that was a safe option to discuss. Apparently not.

“You know, I don’t really feel like talking,” Grace finally said. “It’s been a long night and I just want to get home.” Grace begins to press different buttons on the dashboard, changing the radio stations one by one. All of them are in Korean, and she grows frustrated. She leaves on one station; a K-pop station. A song from a boy group is playing on the radio.

“The group singing is named Victon,” I started to say. “My niece loves their music. Lia is always comparing me to the main vocalist; she thinks I look like him.” Grace looks over and I think I could see her smirk at my comment. She looks back at the window.

“I remember you said you wanted to be a singer when you were little, ” Grace said. I was surprised that she remembered such a pointless conversation; I even forgot that I told her that.

“Yeah,” I said. “I didn’t know that you needed to know how to sing to actually be a singer.” I chuckled, glad the air wasn’t so dense anymore.

“I mean, it’s common sense, but I get it,” Grace said. I looked at her before looking at the road once more. She doesn’t look that tense in the passenger’s seat anymore. “Both my parents know how to sing and went to the top performing arts high school, yet I sound like a dying cat when I sing.”

“But you’re an amazing dancer,” I said out loud, not really thinking about how it could come off but knew it was the truth.

“So was my mom, and she knew how to sing,” Grace finally turned over to me. I couldn’t help but take a glance at her when she did.

“Yeah, but you were a lawyer,” I mentioned. I didn’t know if I said the right thing, but Grace goes silent when I say it. Aigoo, you just had her talking and you went and messed it up. “I think that beats out any other talent you could possibly have.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Grace said, looking back out the window as we drove in silence. I didn’t know what else to say to Grace, and maybe this is all she is willing to do for the night. It’s better than any song laying on the radio.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 1: Re-Introduction: 2023 Edition!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

While it’s the most wonderful time of the year for most of us, it’s solely my favorite time of year because the holiday season means it’s also Twelve Letters of Lizmas season!

I always enjoy writing these posts for the holidays; not only does it allow me to write blog posts different from my usual content, but it’s also a great way to recap everything that’s happened in the past year. Also, it’s a blog tradition! We started this tradition on the blog way back in 2017; back when the blog was called ‘TNTH”, or “Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline”. Sheesh, remember when the blog was called that? Do any long-time readers remember that? Since then, I’ve always made it my mission to dedicate 12 days out of the month in celebration of the holiday, and the celebration of concluding yet another year. If you would like to read last year’s Lizmas posts, you can read them by clicking here!

Speaking of traditions made here on the blog, every Lizmas we dedicate the first day to a re-introduction of myself. I like updating the introduction each year to not only see what things have changed within the year, but every year I notice the community growing bit and bit, and this allows me the opportunity to introduce myself to those who may not know the writer behind the stories and series on here.

So without further ado, here is my 2023 introduction to everyone who comes across my blog: Hi! My name is Liz!

In 2023, I finally felt one with my body after having weight-loss surgery two years ago. One of my main issues during my weight-loss journey was that there were times when my body did not feel like my own. I fought with body dysmorphia within these last two years and had to constantly remind myself that the body I’m currently in is the same one I had prior to losing all of the weight. I struggled with the belief that my body and I were two different entities that took up separate space. It was a weird ideology that took months to finally break out of, and I think that started to dim away once I found my interest in fashion. I wouldn’t call myself a fashionista, but I find myself getting excited putting outfits together, especially for work. I take pride in my style, and I feel like it’s helped define me as a person and appreciate my body for what it is today. Plus, I always feel great hearing my coworkers compliment my work outfits! Needless to say, 2023 introduced some new interests and hobbies in me that I wouldn’t ever guess I’d have. Which brings me to my next point…

In 2023, I lost a lot of who I once was; whether it was the people in my life or the things I was once interested in. The funny things about going through an entire year and looking back at it is that you look at where you were at the beginning of the year and realize that you never thought the things that you went through during the year would happen. In January 2023, I was very much still into K-Pop. I was still collecting new albums and following what was trending and currently in the K-Pop world’s Top 40 hits. My bedroom walls were still covered in Victon posters and slogans. I was still paying off GOMs for photocards I ordered during Victon’s last comeback the previous year. I still had K-Pop identifying me as a person, just not in the way that it did back in 2020 and 2021.

Also in January 2023, I was very much still into penpal writing. I enjoyed collecting stationery and even journaling in the matching notebooks my friends and I gifted each other for the holiday; if anything was truly identifying me as a person in 2023, it was being a penpal writer. I had 17 penpals at the beginning of the year; I would write letters and prep everything for future letters in advance so that I was able to keep up with the amount of letters that came through the mail. I was going live on Instagram to prep envelopes with other penpal writers in the community, looking up how to become a shop representative for small, stationery shops on Instagram; it was intense, to say the least. But as the year went by, I found my interests changing drastically. I was still listening to K-Pop music, but I had no desire to collect any new albums from groups after Victon’s disbandment in April. I was still writing penpal letters, but I had a hard time rediscovering the love I once had for it after it started to feel more like a part-time job than an actual hobby at some point. In the midst of losing my interest in my hobbies, I also began to lose the people who defined those interests and hobbies in me during the pandemic. In a nutshell, 2023 was a year that required me to do something that I haven’t done since 2020, which was to find my sense of identity once again.

In 2023, I redefined my passion for academia through higher education. When I first graduated with my master’s, I wanted to help college students navigate through their college careers as efficiently and smoothly as possible. It was something that I appreciated my own college advisor back when I was a student; if it wasn’t for my advisor, Jennifer Durando, telling me during my junior year that I would be short 20 credits if I didn’t pick up another minor, I wouldn’t have graduated in time. It was something that I felt needed to change about my college specifically; as faculty and administrators, we needed to communicate with our students better so that didn’t do a disservice to them when it was time for them to graduate. When I got the job at my alumni college Registrar’s Office, I wanted to not only learn how things operated on the administrative side, but I wanted to find ways to advocate for students while following the policies our office enforces.

A couple of months ago, I got promoted to do just that. I now work directly under my boss, learning different things within the area of Historical Records like grade change and repeat policies, investigating special circumstances for students who attended the college before our current record system, and forwarding information to faculty in other departments that might have changed since the last time registration season came around. When graduating grad-school in 2018, I wanted to work in academic advisement to properly advise students on the classes they should take within a semester. I realized that in a way I do just that, but by following policies that we practice within our office. The learning process has made me find love in academia I didn’t think I would love, which is working in higher education administration.

In 2023, I learned that change is inevitable, so you have to learn how to accept it when it happens in your own life. In the past, I always felt this wave of guilt whenever I was going through a time in my life when things were changing. I felt like I was leaving everyone and everything that made me behind when these changes happened, but some of them were truly inevitable and happened without any warning to anyone or anything. At one point, I felt like I was splitting myself into two; one being the person I had known to be within the last two years versus the other being the person I found myself evolving into. After a while, I had to let what was supposed to happen fully happen, and looking back it’s been possibly the biggest lesson I learned not only in 2023 but the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my twenties. I learned this the hard way, but eventually, it’s brought me to a place where I am the happiest, and this is the most authentic version of my current self. Of course, I could be a completely different person this time next year, and that’s okay. Isn’t life about consistent growth as you age?

I am very proud of the person I’ve become this past year; I dealt with the hardships of whatever came my way differently than I did in the past. I didn’t allow it to completely destroy me. I didn’t feel like I was going back to square one with the progress of working on myself. Maybe this is what it feels like to finally mature gracefully into your own.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: If You Feel Guilty, You’re Doing It Right.

liz

To be selfish and to feel guilty are universally two things that are meant to be negative. We as a society look down on selfishness; we think those who are selfish are incapable of caring about other people’s feelings, are narcissistic, and are all-around toxic human beings. We are taught at a young age to always be nice to people, and to the key to being a good person is being good to those around you, no matter what. We are taught to always do the right thing, even when it doesn’t always feel like we are truly doing the wrong thing for ourselves.

And then you grow up to be a people-pleaser, pleasing everyone around you because you were taught that was what made you a good person. Being selfish makes you a bad person, according to society. So when you find yourself putting your foot down to take care of your own well-being, knowing that what was ultimately bringing you down was the idea that you had to please everyone around you, you start to be labeled as selfish. Self-centered. Narcissistic, even. How do we live in a society that accepts self-love, but is so quick to call you selfish for doing just that? After a while, you start to feel guilty for the decisions you make. You think that every decision you make for yourself and what you may possibly need to do for yourself is considered selfish.

If you feel guilty for making decisions depending on what you want and need out of life, then you are doing it right.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning that feeling guilty for being selfish with yourself does not make you a bad person.

A couple of weeks ago, I went into my therapy session talking about all the fun and amazing things I’ve been doing lately. I told my therapist that I went to a taping of The Kelly Clarkson Show back in October, and I even went to my first adult Halloween party and wasn’t severely anxious. She was happy for me, telling me that I was now doing the things I told her all of these years I eventually wanted to do when I was ready. In true Cathy-fashion, she asked me what do I think was the shift in me; when do I think was the changing point in which I felt like I was ready to do these things and not second guess myself doing them?

I told her it was when I stopped feeling guilty for doing things for myself, for the intent of making myself happy.

The thing about being in a transitional phase of your life is that you will feel guilty for leaving the people that you have been with when you were stagnant. The people that met you in the time of your life before your transitional phase begin to see your progress as abandonment to their relationship with them. People will be happy for you because they should be, it makes them look like a good person. But, they will make sure that you know that while you’re bettering yourself, you’re leaving them behind.

I felt guilty for most of the decisions I made; going to concerts by myself, going out for the night with friends and staying off the internet as much as possible doing so. My life was not only transitioning emotionally and physically, but it was also transitioning to be in a more present state of mind. That didn’t include my online persona anymore.

I felt guilty for showing up for myself first instead of showing up for others, pleasing those who were stuck viewing me as I once was.

I had to learn that the guilt didn’t come from me making bad decisions; how is showing up for yourself a bad decision? The guilt, however, came from the influence of society’s view of what it meant to be a good person. Put others first. Be considerate of other people’s feelings despite how much they contrast from your own. Always show up for people and attend to them before you do the same for yourself. I was constantly being told I had to do things and be a certain way to be liked and to keep people in my life, despite how I felt or what I was personally going through.

And let’s get one thing straight: I am not bitter nor am I saying the people around me needed to respect and understand my transitional phase. As I get older, I am learning that not everyone will see things the way I do or react to things the way I do. Some will, most will not.

But one thing that should be universally understood is that any steps made towards being a better version of yourself should be accepting. We shouldn’t feel guilty for letting things that do not serve us anymore go or simply doing things that nurtures our soul.

It’s why I ultimately let penpal writing go for good after doing it for two years. Granted, I should’ve stopped doing it a year ago when I fell out of love with the hobby, but the level of guilt for leaving people behind and letting go a part of my identity was too strong for me to do it sooner. Sure, I still have some guilt behind the decision, but my soul feels lighter. It feels excited to fill in that spot with something that truly excites me. I know eventually the guilt will go away, as it did for everything else I left behind this past year, and I know that in the end it was the right decision.

Because like I said: if you are feeling guilty for doing something for yourself, it means you are doing whatever you doing right.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

A Different Type of Normal: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

Life at Waverly High was so much different than it was when I first started back in September. For one, it has been one of the coldest winters to date, and traveling to and from school have been one of the bigger challenges. Long gone were the days that I was able to simply walk a couple of blocks to school, barely feeling the cold hit my skin. Maybe it was because the city had all these big skyscrapers covering the little sun that comes out these days; it just felt colder whenever I had to go to school.

Thankfully today was just a little warmer than usual, and the school day was going by quickly. It was already lunchtime, and I was sitting at the usual table I always sat at, eating the lunch that my mum packed for me the night before. And right on cue, I see a lunch tray placed in front of me; it’s Milo.

“Hey, Scout,” Milo greeted as he sat across from me at the table. He immediately gave me the muffin off of his tray while I gave him the bag of chips my mom packed for me. It was our thing; I don’t really like potato chips, but I don’t tell my mom because the chips always go to Milo. She just thinks I really like them. “How’s your day going so far?”

“Surprisingly quick for a Monday,” I said, eating the muffin in front of me. “I have this huge chemistry exam next week though. I’m afraid that I might not pass it.”

“Of course, you’ll pass it,” Milo reassured as he continued to eat the chips. “It’s the seniors in that class that have to worry about passing.” He leaned forward before changing the subject. “You need a study buddy?”

“How are you going to study chemistry with me? You don’t even take chemistry,” I laughed, thinking it was cute.

“I could study something else, like math or biology,” Milo insisted.

“Something tells me that you are not going to be a good study buddy,” I teased, ruffling his hair before laughing. Milo huffed and leaned back in his seat in a defeatist way. “What we could study is this new song we have to play for the banquet in a couple of weeks.”

“Don’t remind me,” Milo sighed. “The vocal ensemble is also performing that day.” Knowing Milo well enough meant that he never really meant what he said when it came to performances as a dual major. I know Milo enjoyed the work and the performances, but I also knew he enjoyed having the title of being a dual major. I will let him vent about the hard work behind being two pleases at the same time, but I know he wouldn’t trade his title for anything.

“I feel like Mr. Harrison and Mr. Kamalani are always collaborating on performances,” I joked, trying to be the one to make Milo laugh now. Instead, Milo rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Vocal doesn’t have to do everything that the band does,” Milo responded, clearly not looking forward to the vocal performance. “It’s like my dad knows when to put more work on me.” I scrunched my nose at Milo’s response. Sometimes, I didn’t agree with Milo’s belief about his dad. His dad is only doing what he’s supposed to do to further support Milo and his dreams.

Some of us have fathers who only think for themselves, not being around to even know our dreams to support them in the first place.

“You’ll do great,” I reassured Milo, keeping my thoughts to myself.

…

During passing, I walked down the hallway with all of the other students going to their next class. I had enough time to use the bathroom before my band class; the bathroom was close to my class anyway. I walked in and looked at myself in the mirror. I took my brush out to comb my hair after it got messy being in a bun for gym class.

A couple of other girls came and went into the bathroom to use it, but one girl walked up to the mirror next to me, looking at herself in the mirror. It was Mollie.

Mollie still made me extremely nervous whenever she was around. These days, she doesn’t bother me; or maybe I don’t bother her anymore. Needless to say, there are days that she exists since she and Milo don’t talk anymore. That’s another different type of normal these days. I couldn’t understand how someone that you’ve known for most of your life would just cut you off because of someone they were dating. You hear things like this happening in those cringe TV sitcoms about best friends. I always thought Milo and Mollie were different.

I snap out of thought when Mollie rips the paper towel from the dispenser in front of me. I couldn’t help but jump in place. I look at Mollie who immediately rolls her eyes.

“S-sorry,” I said nervously, not even knowing why I was apologizing to Mollie. She didn’t say anything back. Her phone started to ring and she immediately picked it up, a smile now on her face. I tried to not look at her or not have her notice I was looking at her as I washed my hands.

“Hey babe,” she greeted over the phone. It must be Aaron. “Yeah, after school I’m free for practice.” Mollie laughed over the phone as she washed her hands. “I’ll see you in vocal.” She hung up the phone and noticed me looking at her. “Why are you all in my business?”

“I’m just washing my hands,” I said, looking down at the water hitting my hands. Clearly, she didn’t believe me.

“You looking at me like you’re lost,” Mollie said as she fixed her hair. “Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not gonna find Milo in the girl’s bathroom.”

“What?” I asked, not really understanding where Mollie was going with this.

“I’m just saying you look a little lost,” Mollie said. “I’m assuming it’s because you don’t have a mind of your own and need Milo to guide you around like a puppy.” I finally looked at Mollie, annoyed at her comment. I wasn’t Milo’s “lost puppy”, I was his friend; something that she clearly hasn’t been for quite some time now. I looked down at my bag before closing it with the zipper.

“At least I’m not on the phone with him the second he walks away,” I said under my breath but loud enough so that Mollie knew what I was saying.

“What did you say?” Mollie spat back, now directly looking at me with her body facing toward me. I didn’t say anything back; the warning bell rang and a hall monitor was already shouting in the girl’s bathroom to go to class. I walked passed Mollie, not wanting to deal with her anymore. I didn’t understand why Mollie still had issues with me being Milo’s friend when she clearly wasn’t being one to him.

I looked up to see Mollie walk out of the bathroom and toward Aaron. She smiled at him as he put his arm around her as they walked down the hallway. I couldn’t help but feel jealous at the way Aaron wasn’t afraid to show how much he liked Mollie. He showed his affection no matter where they were in the school; I can only imagine just how good that makes Mollie feel. Why do I feel so jealous of Mollie and Aaron’s relationship even after knowing it ruined Milo’s friendship with his best friend.

These were the different types of normal we had at Waverly High these days, and I’m not sure if I like it.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Repeating Black Sheepistory: A Micah Monologue.

liz

I was tired of bitches. Yeah, bitches. It’s not like I hate women, but I despise women that acted like bitches. Rosie acted like a bitch, which is something I didn’t think she could ever be. Rosie wasn’t catty, or entitled like other bitches. All she did was draw, not give a shit about her image, and kept to herself. So what made Rosie turn into a bitch? She allowed someone to mold her into one. She wasn’t just Rosie anymore; she was someone’s bitch. She was better than being someone’s bitch, especially if that someone was a bitch himself.

I dreaded going into the bookstore to buy my books for my classes, but I’m glad it’s done. I don’t ever have to step foot into that place and I never have to see Rosie on campus again.

Until I did.

I entered the classroom and sat in a seat that was toward the back. This was the last elective I needed to take before I was able to finally focus on my major classes. Tanner took this class his first semester with the same professor and said it would be the “easiest A I’d get”. Nothing was ever easy for me.

I took my phone and saw that Kalia tried calling me before she left a message. I was mad at her; she was here one day, wanting to work things out with me and on our relationship, the next day she was on the plane for a press tour for her new movie. I wasn’t mad at her for having to do her job; I was mad that she chose her job over me once again. Everything was disposable when it came to me.

Before I was able to read Kalia’s message, Dani called my phone. I picked up the phone before class would officially start.

“Yo,” I answered the phone. “What’s up?”

“You’re still coming to rehearsal for Tanner’s gig, right?” Dani asked, going straight to the point. “You know you are the sound engineer for his performance and you canceled on us twice.”

“Yeah, I’m coming,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Are you sure? Like Tanner is your bro,” Dani emphasized. “The last time you canceled was before you were with your on and off again fling, Kalia.”

“Yeah, well, now she’s back in Sweden doing her movie gig shit and I’m free, so I’ll see you guys in rehearsal later,” I said and quickly hung up the phone. I rolled my eyes and took out my notebook as the professor and the last of the other students walked in. One of them sat in the empty seat next to me; a girl.

“Good afternoon, class,” the professor greeted. “Welcome to the introductory level of performance art.” He began to hand out the syllabus to the students in the class. He handed the two copies of the syllabus to me; I took one and handed it over to the girl sitting next to me. She finally looked up and was mortified. I can’t say I wasn’t completely speechless.

“Rosie?” I just said, trying to see if this was actually the Rosie I just saw at the bookstore no longer than 30 minutes ago. She quickly turned around and raised her hand. The professor points at her.

“Professor Ramirez, are these going to be our permanent seats for the semester?” Rosie asked.

“I’m glad you mentioned that,” Professor Ramirez said, sitting on top of the desk in front. “You see, art comes in many forms, and depending on the decisions you make, you are faced with challenges that you didn’t know would impact the effect of other decisions you’ll make in your art.” He gets up and walks around the room. “You all chose the seat you are in because you wanted to be in that specific seat for this class. With that being said, your final project for this class requires you to work with the person you are sitting next to today.”

“What?” I said out loud, not realizing that I said it loud enough for Professor Ramirez to hear me.

“Yeah,” he answered back. “Which now brings us to our first assignment of the class. Everyone, please get acquainted with the person the universe decided to pair you up with.” I looked at Rosie, who rolled her eyes and continued to doodle in her notebook, avoiding me. Wile everyone in the class was talking to the person next to them, Rosie refused to say anything to me.

“Rosie,” I called out for her, annoyed at this point. “We got shit we gotta do for this class.” Of course, Rosie was being a bitch, and she didn’t answer or seemed to listen to anything I was telling her. “Yo, Rosie!”

“What?” Rosie finally answered, annoyed.

“Isn’t this class one of your requirements toward your major?” I mentioned. I knew it was, even though she didn’t say anything. “With all due respect, you are the last person I want to work on this dumb ass project with, but I am not going to let ou or this petty drama fuck up my grade for this class. I’m trying to graduate on time-“

“Tell someone who cares, Micah,” Rosie interrupted, not looking up from her notebook as she doodled. I placed my hand over her notebook; that seemed to get her attention. “Move.”

“You should be looking to graduate on time too if you’re getting financial aid to pay for your classes, or are you gonna depend on Prescott Jones to pay your tuition bills?” I spat out, not caring if it got on Rosie’s nerves or not.

“Fuck you, Micah,” Rosie spat back, yanking the book from under my hand.

“Whatever, Rosie,” I said, not even phased anymore. We both looked up at Professor Ramirez, who is now calling us out in front of the class.

“Excuse me; Kamalani, Delgado,” he began to say. “You are not the only two students in this class, please try to keep it between the two of you.” We both stood quiet, not wanting to look at her or really be in the same room as her anymore. I should just drop this fucking class, for real.