Music Reviews, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 3: Top 5 Albums of 2023!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Earlier this year, I decided to document the top 5 albums of 2023 (so far), and was very curious to see if the lineup would change by the time December came along. So, here we are doing just that! It’s interesting to see just how different this final list is compared to one back in July; I feel like my list has gone back to almost all K-Pop music, but let’s save it for the actual list!

So without further ado, these are my top 5 albums of 2023, starting with number five!

5.) Qveen Herby – MUSE

Despite my list changing drastically since first writing it in July, this album still reigns as one of my favorites of the year. For the first half of the year, this album was on repeat and on various Spotify playlists of mine. Like I said in my July post, Qveen Herby was once part of a couple duo back in 2013 called Karmin, best known for their song “Brokenhearted”. She’s been rapping under this persona for a couple of years now, and although I liked some of her previous EPs, this full-length album was really a no-skip album, with songs like “THANK GODDESS,” “5D”, “MARIE ANTOINETTE”, and “DRESS CODE”. She’s super talented and really deserves all the love she gets on social media.

4.) (G)I-DLE – HEAT

This album is straight heat, no pun intended. This album kind of dropped out of the blue, or perhaps I was late to find out about this release. For those who may not know this group, (G)I-DLE is a 5-member (formally 6) K-pop girl group under CUBE Entertainment. They debuted in 2018 and these girls are known to experimenting with different concepts and slaying them effortlessly. These girls are named Miyeon, Minnie, Soyeon, Yuqi, and Shuhua; this girl group has more foreign members than Korean, which is something that wasn’t common in the time that they debuted. Many groups had foreign members in them prior to their debut, but the number of Korean members always outnumbered the foreign members in groups. What also makes this group unique is that Soyeon–the group’s leader, center, and main rapper–writes, composes, and produces all of their Korean comebacks and she never misses. While the group was always high in popularity since debut, the song that really took the group off was their first full-length album, I Never Die, which featured their title track, “Tomboy”, back in 2022. Since then, the girl’s comebacks have all been so different from the last; you truly never know what direction (G)I-DLE will go down. Like this English studio album.

This album very much feels like what y2k artists would put out back in the day. It’s dancey, catchy, and something you would hear at a club in your business casual attire. Their first single off of the album, “I DO”, is a little slow in pace, but it fits with the vocalists’ sound so well and really showcases the different colors that the group has vocal-wise. The second single, “I Want That” is so y2k-club coded; it instantly gets stuck in your head after a few listens. My current favorite song off of the album is “Eyes Roll”, which honestly all these girls ate, but this was Yuqi’s song forreal. Anyway, I hope that these girls do get the recognition internationally (I mean, they already do, but I mean in a mainstream, Top 40 way) because these girls are versatile and can definitely hang in the western music category.

3.) WOODZ – OO-LI

Another album that has survived the list is this masterpiece of an album… but are we surprised since we’re talking about WOODZ? WOODZ, also known as Cho Seungyoun, knows how to make hit, no-skip albums. Fans were ultimately worried when he initially left his old agency, Yuehua Entertainment, after his contract expired and went under EDAM Entertainment, a much smaller agency with only one or two known solo acts (i.e, one being soloist, IU). This album was much different than the previous things he had put out, but he was known for experimenting with different genres when he released new music. OO-LI felt more mature and not so much in the mainstream K-pop realm. While the title track isn’t my favorite off of this particular album (for some reason I never really vibe with them), the B-sides hit so hard. I think my favorite song of 2023 is his b-side called “Drowning”, which I have deemed to be a part of the soundtrack of my life, and that says a lot. In the time I’m writing this, I am actually going to see him live in concert in early December; man, I am ready to sing and cry at the same damn time.

2.) Demi Lovato – REVAMPED

Demi has gone to be one of my top favorite artists since going back to her rock roots in her music, and I’m so glad that she released this album of her old hits and revamped them into rock versions! I don’t care what anyone says, I think it’s a great idea for artists to re-record their older stuff and change it in ways that fits to their current style. Taylor Swift wasn’t the first to do this, but her popularity in the music industry has made re-recording albums a thing in it, so I’m glad Demi decided to put a twist on her older hits and make them “rock versions”, or, “Demi Versions”. The album consists of ten songs from her previous discography: “La La Land” and “Don’t Forget” from her debut album Don’t Forget, “Skyscraper” and “Give Your Heart a Break” from her third studio album Unbroken, “Heart Attack” and “Neon Lights” from her fourth studio album Demi, “Confident” and “Cool for the Summer” from her fifth studio album Confident, and finishing off with “Tell Me You Love Me” and “Sorry Not Sorry” from her sixth studio album Tell Me You Love Me. I would’ve personally loved to hear some revamped versions of songs from her sophomore album Here We Go Again and a revamp of her debut single, “Get Back”, but maybe she’s going to make a part two since this was well received by her fans! Anyway, there’s nothing I can say besides that I’m so glad Demi has reconnected with the sound that she felt was being true to herself, because let’s be honest; this is where she should’ve been throughout her entire career. If you were once a Demi fan during these different eras of her career, definitely give these rock versions a chance as they are all so good.

1.) NewJeans – GET UP

Little fun fact: this was the first album that came to mind when listing my top 5 favorite albums of the year since I knew this was making the list when it first came out. Also, it’s a K-pop album! Although most people might know this group, NewJeans is a five-member girl group under Ador, a sublabel within HYBE; home of groups like BTS, TXT, Le Sserafim, Seventeen, and Fromis_9. These five girls, Minji, Hanni, Danielle, Haerin, and Hyein, debuted in 2022 really out of nowhere since they came into the K-pop scene without any visuals or teasers of the members announcing this new rookie group. Instead, they came out with their first single, “Attention” and then released their first debut mini album shortly after. These girls blew up, as they re-introduced a sound to K-pop that is fresh and nostalgic during a time when girl crush and loud music were popular in K-Pop. While they had a small comeback earlier this year in January, their long-awaited (and anticipated) second mini album was released during the summer and man, the chokehold this album had on me for the entire summer was intense. Every song was so good on their, even the shorter, interlude song, “Get Up”. We were robbed of a real good song with “Get Up” being only 30 seconds. Anyway, they pretty much promoted the entire album on music shows upon it’s release; “NewJeans” and “Super Shy” were pre-release singles up until the album’s release date, and “ETA” being the official title track along with the promotional b-side, “Cool With You”. As much as this group gets a lot of backlash for its choices for music videos and earlier song lyrics not being appropriate for its minor members, these girls have a distinct sound that works for them and I’m curious to see how they reinvent that sound throughout their career as a group.

And that’s pretty much it! I did not think that more K-pop albums would be on my list considering I don’t really identify with my K-Pop self anymore, I guess the albums were just too good to ignore this year. Anyway, I hope that if you guys haven’t yet, give these albums a listen as they are all so good!

I guess we’ll see what we’re vibing with in July 2024 to count down those top 5 albums. Until then, readers!

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 2: Something on the Radio: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

The thing about white noise is that it can truly come from anything in your surroundings. White noise can be people in the room who keep the conversation going. White noise could be the humming sound of the fluorescent lights in your office when it’s a slow work day. In this case, it’s the radio playing in the car as I drive, playing Korean top hits.

…

Skylar looked upset seeing Shawn as wasted as he was tonight. She nearly dropped everything she was doing and walked over to Shawn, who was being held up by my own arms.

“What the fuck happened?” Skylar yelled out, trying to pick up Shawn’s face. Shawn sees Skylar and smiles wide. His face is more red than pink at this point; it usually means he’s drunk beyond repair. He’s going to feel it tomorrow.

“Babyyyy,” Shawn finally said, looking up at Skylar. “You look so pretty tonight! Gosh, I have the prettiest girlfriend in the world!” Skylar doesn’t say anything back to him, she simply takes Shawn from me and puts in on the sofa in front of us.

“What did you do to Shawn?” Skylar asked as she put him down to sit.

“I didn’t do anything to him,” I answered, feeling defensive. “He’s a grown man.”

“You couldn’t stop him?” Skylar complained, brushing the hair from Shawn’s face with her hands.

“And do what? Take the man’s wallet?” I questioned, growing annoyed that Skylar would put this on me. Both of us look at Shawn, who’s now waving his hand to speak.

“Baby, it’s my fault,” Shawn slurred. “Hyung tried stopping me, but I was in my head and kept drinking until I was out of it.” Skylar turned back around and took a sigh of relief; at least he was coherent enough to have my back. He looked back up to Skylar and smiled. “I just want to be the perfect boyfriend for you, baby.”

“You already are,” Skylar reassured him, holding his red face in the palm of her hands. “But please don’t drink like this ever again.”

I looked over at Grace, sitting at the end chair in the living room watching all of this unfold. I couldn’t help but stare but every now and then I would force myself to look away.

“I’m sorry that the night ended like this,” I said to Skylar. She shook her head before responding back to me.

“Me too,” she finally said, looking over at Grace. “I’m sorry about tonight, I think it would be best if I went ahead and took care of him tonight.”

“Of course,” Grace said as she stood up, gathering her stuff from the closet nearest to me. She never looked at me or said anything to me when she did. “I’ll just take a cab back to my place…”

“I can drive you,” I burst out, not really thinking of the situation properly. I didn’t want Grace to have to take a shady cab in the middle of the night, in a foreign country might I add, without offering. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s fine,” Grace quickly said to me, dismissing the thought.

“It’s late,” I emphasized.

“This isn’t the first time I took a cab late at night,” Grace snapped back, saying it more to Skylar than to me.

“In Korea?” I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.

“Grace, let the man drive you home for fuck’s sake,” Skylar finally said, annoyed at the situation. Grace rolled her eyes and finally turned around to face me. Aigoo.

“Whatever,” Grace said, walking toward the front door. “Have a good night babying Shawn.” She walked past me and out the front door. I looked at Skylar, who simply shook her head.

“I’ll make sure she gets home,” I said.

…

“So,” I finally said out loud to the air as I drove. “How are you liking Ulsan so far?” Grace didn’t answer right away; instead, she sighed loudly, as if talking to me was more of a tedious chore than casual. I can’t keep listening to the music on the radio.

“It’s nice,” Grace said, looking out of the passenger window. I looked at her before looking back at the road.

“Yeah,” I continued the conversation. “Winter in Korea can be both beautiful and brutal. The snow’s always nice to look at, but after the first 5 times of getting snow, it can get tiring.”

“Oh,” Grace simply said. I was growing frustrated that she wasn’t even trying to have a conversation with me. Her cousin and my best friend are on a one-way ticket to a wedding chapel, and at this point, it’s important that we get along for the sake of them.

“Yeah,” I simply said. What else can I bring up to have some sort of communication happening in this already long drive?

“How’s the production going?” I asked, thinking that was a safe option to discuss. Apparently not.

“You know, I don’t really feel like talking,” Grace finally said. “It’s been a long night and I just want to get home.” Grace begins to press different buttons on the dashboard, changing the radio stations one by one. All of them are in Korean, and she grows frustrated. She leaves on one station; a K-pop station. A song from a boy group is playing on the radio.

“The group singing is named Victon,” I started to say. “My niece loves their music. Lia is always comparing me to the main vocalist; she thinks I look like him.” Grace looks over and I think I could see her smirk at my comment. She looks back at the window.

“I remember you said you wanted to be a singer when you were little, ” Grace said. I was surprised that she remembered such a pointless conversation; I even forgot that I told her that.

“Yeah,” I said. “I didn’t know that you needed to know how to sing to actually be a singer.” I chuckled, glad the air wasn’t so dense anymore.

“I mean, it’s common sense, but I get it,” Grace said. I looked at her before looking at the road once more. She doesn’t look that tense in the passenger’s seat anymore. “Both my parents know how to sing and went to the top performing arts high school, yet I sound like a dying cat when I sing.”

“But you’re an amazing dancer,” I said out loud, not really thinking about how it could come off but knew it was the truth.

“So was my mom, and she knew how to sing,” Grace finally turned over to me. I couldn’t help but take a glance at her when she did.

“Yeah, but you were a lawyer,” I mentioned. I didn’t know if I said the right thing, but Grace goes silent when I say it. Aigoo, you just had her talking and you went and messed it up. “I think that beats out any other talent you could possibly have.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Grace said, looking back out the window as we drove in silence. I didn’t know what else to say to Grace, and maybe this is all she is willing to do for the night. It’s better than any song laying on the radio.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 1: Re-Introduction: 2023 Edition!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

While it’s the most wonderful time of the year for most of us, it’s solely my favorite time of year because the holiday season means it’s also Twelve Letters of Lizmas season!

I always enjoy writing these posts for the holidays; not only does it allow me to write blog posts different from my usual content, but it’s also a great way to recap everything that’s happened in the past year. Also, it’s a blog tradition! We started this tradition on the blog way back in 2017; back when the blog was called ‘TNTH”, or “Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline”. Sheesh, remember when the blog was called that? Do any long-time readers remember that? Since then, I’ve always made it my mission to dedicate 12 days out of the month in celebration of the holiday, and the celebration of concluding yet another year. If you would like to read last year’s Lizmas posts, you can read them by clicking here!

Speaking of traditions made here on the blog, every Lizmas we dedicate the first day to a re-introduction of myself. I like updating the introduction each year to not only see what things have changed within the year, but every year I notice the community growing bit and bit, and this allows me the opportunity to introduce myself to those who may not know the writer behind the stories and series on here.

So without further ado, here is my 2023 introduction to everyone who comes across my blog: Hi! My name is Liz!

In 2023, I finally felt one with my body after having weight-loss surgery two years ago. One of my main issues during my weight-loss journey was that there were times when my body did not feel like my own. I fought with body dysmorphia within these last two years and had to constantly remind myself that the body I’m currently in is the same one I had prior to losing all of the weight. I struggled with the belief that my body and I were two different entities that took up separate space. It was a weird ideology that took months to finally break out of, and I think that started to dim away once I found my interest in fashion. I wouldn’t call myself a fashionista, but I find myself getting excited putting outfits together, especially for work. I take pride in my style, and I feel like it’s helped define me as a person and appreciate my body for what it is today. Plus, I always feel great hearing my coworkers compliment my work outfits! Needless to say, 2023 introduced some new interests and hobbies in me that I wouldn’t ever guess I’d have. Which brings me to my next point…

In 2023, I lost a lot of who I once was; whether it was the people in my life or the things I was once interested in. The funny things about going through an entire year and looking back at it is that you look at where you were at the beginning of the year and realize that you never thought the things that you went through during the year would happen. In January 2023, I was very much still into K-Pop. I was still collecting new albums and following what was trending and currently in the K-Pop world’s Top 40 hits. My bedroom walls were still covered in Victon posters and slogans. I was still paying off GOMs for photocards I ordered during Victon’s last comeback the previous year. I still had K-Pop identifying me as a person, just not in the way that it did back in 2020 and 2021.

Also in January 2023, I was very much still into penpal writing. I enjoyed collecting stationery and even journaling in the matching notebooks my friends and I gifted each other for the holiday; if anything was truly identifying me as a person in 2023, it was being a penpal writer. I had 17 penpals at the beginning of the year; I would write letters and prep everything for future letters in advance so that I was able to keep up with the amount of letters that came through the mail. I was going live on Instagram to prep envelopes with other penpal writers in the community, looking up how to become a shop representative for small, stationery shops on Instagram; it was intense, to say the least. But as the year went by, I found my interests changing drastically. I was still listening to K-Pop music, but I had no desire to collect any new albums from groups after Victon’s disbandment in April. I was still writing penpal letters, but I had a hard time rediscovering the love I once had for it after it started to feel more like a part-time job than an actual hobby at some point. In the midst of losing my interest in my hobbies, I also began to lose the people who defined those interests and hobbies in me during the pandemic. In a nutshell, 2023 was a year that required me to do something that I haven’t done since 2020, which was to find my sense of identity once again.

In 2023, I redefined my passion for academia through higher education. When I first graduated with my master’s, I wanted to help college students navigate through their college careers as efficiently and smoothly as possible. It was something that I appreciated my own college advisor back when I was a student; if it wasn’t for my advisor, Jennifer Durando, telling me during my junior year that I would be short 20 credits if I didn’t pick up another minor, I wouldn’t have graduated in time. It was something that I felt needed to change about my college specifically; as faculty and administrators, we needed to communicate with our students better so that didn’t do a disservice to them when it was time for them to graduate. When I got the job at my alumni college Registrar’s Office, I wanted to not only learn how things operated on the administrative side, but I wanted to find ways to advocate for students while following the policies our office enforces.

A couple of months ago, I got promoted to do just that. I now work directly under my boss, learning different things within the area of Historical Records like grade change and repeat policies, investigating special circumstances for students who attended the college before our current record system, and forwarding information to faculty in other departments that might have changed since the last time registration season came around. When graduating grad-school in 2018, I wanted to work in academic advisement to properly advise students on the classes they should take within a semester. I realized that in a way I do just that, but by following policies that we practice within our office. The learning process has made me find love in academia I didn’t think I would love, which is working in higher education administration.

In 2023, I learned that change is inevitable, so you have to learn how to accept it when it happens in your own life. In the past, I always felt this wave of guilt whenever I was going through a time in my life when things were changing. I felt like I was leaving everyone and everything that made me behind when these changes happened, but some of them were truly inevitable and happened without any warning to anyone or anything. At one point, I felt like I was splitting myself into two; one being the person I had known to be within the last two years versus the other being the person I found myself evolving into. After a while, I had to let what was supposed to happen fully happen, and looking back it’s been possibly the biggest lesson I learned not only in 2023 but the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my twenties. I learned this the hard way, but eventually, it’s brought me to a place where I am the happiest, and this is the most authentic version of my current self. Of course, I could be a completely different person this time next year, and that’s okay. Isn’t life about consistent growth as you age?

I am very proud of the person I’ve become this past year; I dealt with the hardships of whatever came my way differently than I did in the past. I didn’t allow it to completely destroy me. I didn’t feel like I was going back to square one with the progress of working on myself. Maybe this is what it feels like to finally mature gracefully into your own.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: If You Feel Guilty, You’re Doing It Right.

liz

To be selfish and to feel guilty are universally two things that are meant to be negative. We as a society look down on selfishness; we think those who are selfish are incapable of caring about other people’s feelings, are narcissistic, and are all-around toxic human beings. We are taught at a young age to always be nice to people, and to the key to being a good person is being good to those around you, no matter what. We are taught to always do the right thing, even when it doesn’t always feel like we are truly doing the wrong thing for ourselves.

And then you grow up to be a people-pleaser, pleasing everyone around you because you were taught that was what made you a good person. Being selfish makes you a bad person, according to society. So when you find yourself putting your foot down to take care of your own well-being, knowing that what was ultimately bringing you down was the idea that you had to please everyone around you, you start to be labeled as selfish. Self-centered. Narcissistic, even. How do we live in a society that accepts self-love, but is so quick to call you selfish for doing just that? After a while, you start to feel guilty for the decisions you make. You think that every decision you make for yourself and what you may possibly need to do for yourself is considered selfish.

If you feel guilty for making decisions depending on what you want and need out of life, then you are doing it right.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning that feeling guilty for being selfish with yourself does not make you a bad person.

A couple of weeks ago, I went into my therapy session talking about all the fun and amazing things I’ve been doing lately. I told my therapist that I went to a taping of The Kelly Clarkson Show back in October, and I even went to my first adult Halloween party and wasn’t severely anxious. She was happy for me, telling me that I was now doing the things I told her all of these years I eventually wanted to do when I was ready. In true Cathy-fashion, she asked me what do I think was the shift in me; when do I think was the changing point in which I felt like I was ready to do these things and not second guess myself doing them?

I told her it was when I stopped feeling guilty for doing things for myself, for the intent of making myself happy.

The thing about being in a transitional phase of your life is that you will feel guilty for leaving the people that you have been with when you were stagnant. The people that met you in the time of your life before your transitional phase begin to see your progress as abandonment to their relationship with them. People will be happy for you because they should be, it makes them look like a good person. But, they will make sure that you know that while you’re bettering yourself, you’re leaving them behind.

I felt guilty for most of the decisions I made; going to concerts by myself, going out for the night with friends and staying off the internet as much as possible doing so. My life was not only transitioning emotionally and physically, but it was also transitioning to be in a more present state of mind. That didn’t include my online persona anymore.

I felt guilty for showing up for myself first instead of showing up for others, pleasing those who were stuck viewing me as I once was.

I had to learn that the guilt didn’t come from me making bad decisions; how is showing up for yourself a bad decision? The guilt, however, came from the influence of society’s view of what it meant to be a good person. Put others first. Be considerate of other people’s feelings despite how much they contrast from your own. Always show up for people and attend to them before you do the same for yourself. I was constantly being told I had to do things and be a certain way to be liked and to keep people in my life, despite how I felt or what I was personally going through.

And let’s get one thing straight: I am not bitter nor am I saying the people around me needed to respect and understand my transitional phase. As I get older, I am learning that not everyone will see things the way I do or react to things the way I do. Some will, most will not.

But one thing that should be universally understood is that any steps made towards being a better version of yourself should be accepting. We shouldn’t feel guilty for letting things that do not serve us anymore go or simply doing things that nurtures our soul.

It’s why I ultimately let penpal writing go for good after doing it for two years. Granted, I should’ve stopped doing it a year ago when I fell out of love with the hobby, but the level of guilt for leaving people behind and letting go a part of my identity was too strong for me to do it sooner. Sure, I still have some guilt behind the decision, but my soul feels lighter. It feels excited to fill in that spot with something that truly excites me. I know eventually the guilt will go away, as it did for everything else I left behind this past year, and I know that in the end it was the right decision.

Because like I said: if you are feeling guilty for doing something for yourself, it means you are doing whatever you doing right.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

A Different Type of Normal: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

Life at Waverly High was so much different than it was when I first started back in September. For one, it has been one of the coldest winters to date, and traveling to and from school have been one of the bigger challenges. Long gone were the days that I was able to simply walk a couple of blocks to school, barely feeling the cold hit my skin. Maybe it was because the city had all these big skyscrapers covering the little sun that comes out these days; it just felt colder whenever I had to go to school.

Thankfully today was just a little warmer than usual, and the school day was going by quickly. It was already lunchtime, and I was sitting at the usual table I always sat at, eating the lunch that my mum packed for me the night before. And right on cue, I see a lunch tray placed in front of me; it’s Milo.

“Hey, Scout,” Milo greeted as he sat across from me at the table. He immediately gave me the muffin off of his tray while I gave him the bag of chips my mom packed for me. It was our thing; I don’t really like potato chips, but I don’t tell my mom because the chips always go to Milo. She just thinks I really like them. “How’s your day going so far?”

“Surprisingly quick for a Monday,” I said, eating the muffin in front of me. “I have this huge chemistry exam next week though. I’m afraid that I might not pass it.”

“Of course, you’ll pass it,” Milo reassured as he continued to eat the chips. “It’s the seniors in that class that have to worry about passing.” He leaned forward before changing the subject. “You need a study buddy?”

“How are you going to study chemistry with me? You don’t even take chemistry,” I laughed, thinking it was cute.

“I could study something else, like math or biology,” Milo insisted.

“Something tells me that you are not going to be a good study buddy,” I teased, ruffling his hair before laughing. Milo huffed and leaned back in his seat in a defeatist way. “What we could study is this new song we have to play for the banquet in a couple of weeks.”

“Don’t remind me,” Milo sighed. “The vocal ensemble is also performing that day.” Knowing Milo well enough meant that he never really meant what he said when it came to performances as a dual major. I know Milo enjoyed the work and the performances, but I also knew he enjoyed having the title of being a dual major. I will let him vent about the hard work behind being two pleases at the same time, but I know he wouldn’t trade his title for anything.

“I feel like Mr. Harrison and Mr. Kamalani are always collaborating on performances,” I joked, trying to be the one to make Milo laugh now. Instead, Milo rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Vocal doesn’t have to do everything that the band does,” Milo responded, clearly not looking forward to the vocal performance. “It’s like my dad knows when to put more work on me.” I scrunched my nose at Milo’s response. Sometimes, I didn’t agree with Milo’s belief about his dad. His dad is only doing what he’s supposed to do to further support Milo and his dreams.

Some of us have fathers who only think for themselves, not being around to even know our dreams to support them in the first place.

“You’ll do great,” I reassured Milo, keeping my thoughts to myself.

…

During passing, I walked down the hallway with all of the other students going to their next class. I had enough time to use the bathroom before my band class; the bathroom was close to my class anyway. I walked in and looked at myself in the mirror. I took my brush out to comb my hair after it got messy being in a bun for gym class.

A couple of other girls came and went into the bathroom to use it, but one girl walked up to the mirror next to me, looking at herself in the mirror. It was Mollie.

Mollie still made me extremely nervous whenever she was around. These days, she doesn’t bother me; or maybe I don’t bother her anymore. Needless to say, there are days that she exists since she and Milo don’t talk anymore. That’s another different type of normal these days. I couldn’t understand how someone that you’ve known for most of your life would just cut you off because of someone they were dating. You hear things like this happening in those cringe TV sitcoms about best friends. I always thought Milo and Mollie were different.

I snap out of thought when Mollie rips the paper towel from the dispenser in front of me. I couldn’t help but jump in place. I look at Mollie who immediately rolls her eyes.

“S-sorry,” I said nervously, not even knowing why I was apologizing to Mollie. She didn’t say anything back. Her phone started to ring and she immediately picked it up, a smile now on her face. I tried to not look at her or not have her notice I was looking at her as I washed my hands.

“Hey babe,” she greeted over the phone. It must be Aaron. “Yeah, after school I’m free for practice.” Mollie laughed over the phone as she washed her hands. “I’ll see you in vocal.” She hung up the phone and noticed me looking at her. “Why are you all in my business?”

“I’m just washing my hands,” I said, looking down at the water hitting my hands. Clearly, she didn’t believe me.

“You looking at me like you’re lost,” Mollie said as she fixed her hair. “Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not gonna find Milo in the girl’s bathroom.”

“What?” I asked, not really understanding where Mollie was going with this.

“I’m just saying you look a little lost,” Mollie said. “I’m assuming it’s because you don’t have a mind of your own and need Milo to guide you around like a puppy.” I finally looked at Mollie, annoyed at her comment. I wasn’t Milo’s “lost puppy”, I was his friend; something that she clearly hasn’t been for quite some time now. I looked down at my bag before closing it with the zipper.

“At least I’m not on the phone with him the second he walks away,” I said under my breath but loud enough so that Mollie knew what I was saying.

“What did you say?” Mollie spat back, now directly looking at me with her body facing toward me. I didn’t say anything back; the warning bell rang and a hall monitor was already shouting in the girl’s bathroom to go to class. I walked passed Mollie, not wanting to deal with her anymore. I didn’t understand why Mollie still had issues with me being Milo’s friend when she clearly wasn’t being one to him.

I looked up to see Mollie walk out of the bathroom and toward Aaron. She smiled at him as he put his arm around her as they walked down the hallway. I couldn’t help but feel jealous at the way Aaron wasn’t afraid to show how much he liked Mollie. He showed his affection no matter where they were in the school; I can only imagine just how good that makes Mollie feel. Why do I feel so jealous of Mollie and Aaron’s relationship even after knowing it ruined Milo’s friendship with his best friend.

These were the different types of normal we had at Waverly High these days, and I’m not sure if I like it.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Repeating Black Sheepistory: A Micah Monologue.

liz

I was tired of bitches. Yeah, bitches. It’s not like I hate women, but I despise women that acted like bitches. Rosie acted like a bitch, which is something I didn’t think she could ever be. Rosie wasn’t catty, or entitled like other bitches. All she did was draw, not give a shit about her image, and kept to herself. So what made Rosie turn into a bitch? She allowed someone to mold her into one. She wasn’t just Rosie anymore; she was someone’s bitch. She was better than being someone’s bitch, especially if that someone was a bitch himself.

I dreaded going into the bookstore to buy my books for my classes, but I’m glad it’s done. I don’t ever have to step foot into that place and I never have to see Rosie on campus again.

Until I did.

I entered the classroom and sat in a seat that was toward the back. This was the last elective I needed to take before I was able to finally focus on my major classes. Tanner took this class his first semester with the same professor and said it would be the “easiest A I’d get”. Nothing was ever easy for me.

I took my phone and saw that Kalia tried calling me before she left a message. I was mad at her; she was here one day, wanting to work things out with me and on our relationship, the next day she was on the plane for a press tour for her new movie. I wasn’t mad at her for having to do her job; I was mad that she chose her job over me once again. Everything was disposable when it came to me.

Before I was able to read Kalia’s message, Dani called my phone. I picked up the phone before class would officially start.

“Yo,” I answered the phone. “What’s up?”

“You’re still coming to rehearsal for Tanner’s gig, right?” Dani asked, going straight to the point. “You know you are the sound engineer for his performance and you canceled on us twice.”

“Yeah, I’m coming,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Are you sure? Like Tanner is your bro,” Dani emphasized. “The last time you canceled was before you were with your on and off again fling, Kalia.”

“Yeah, well, now she’s back in Sweden doing her movie gig shit and I’m free, so I’ll see you guys in rehearsal later,” I said and quickly hung up the phone. I rolled my eyes and took out my notebook as the professor and the last of the other students walked in. One of them sat in the empty seat next to me; a girl.

“Good afternoon, class,” the professor greeted. “Welcome to the introductory level of performance art.” He began to hand out the syllabus to the students in the class. He handed the two copies of the syllabus to me; I took one and handed it over to the girl sitting next to me. She finally looked up and was mortified. I can’t say I wasn’t completely speechless.

“Rosie?” I just said, trying to see if this was actually the Rosie I just saw at the bookstore no longer than 30 minutes ago. She quickly turned around and raised her hand. The professor points at her.

“Professor Ramirez, are these going to be our permanent seats for the semester?” Rosie asked.

“I’m glad you mentioned that,” Professor Ramirez said, sitting on top of the desk in front. “You see, art comes in many forms, and depending on the decisions you make, you are faced with challenges that you didn’t know would impact the effect of other decisions you’ll make in your art.” He gets up and walks around the room. “You all chose the seat you are in because you wanted to be in that specific seat for this class. With that being said, your final project for this class requires you to work with the person you are sitting next to today.”

“What?” I said out loud, not realizing that I said it loud enough for Professor Ramirez to hear me.

“Yeah,” he answered back. “Which now brings us to our first assignment of the class. Everyone, please get acquainted with the person the universe decided to pair you up with.” I looked at Rosie, who rolled her eyes and continued to doodle in her notebook, avoiding me. Wile everyone in the class was talking to the person next to them, Rosie refused to say anything to me.

“Rosie,” I called out for her, annoyed at this point. “We got shit we gotta do for this class.” Of course, Rosie was being a bitch, and she didn’t answer or seemed to listen to anything I was telling her. “Yo, Rosie!”

“What?” Rosie finally answered, annoyed.

“Isn’t this class one of your requirements toward your major?” I mentioned. I knew it was, even though she didn’t say anything. “With all due respect, you are the last person I want to work on this dumb ass project with, but I am not going to let ou or this petty drama fuck up my grade for this class. I’m trying to graduate on time-“

“Tell someone who cares, Micah,” Rosie interrupted, not looking up from her notebook as she doodled. I placed my hand over her notebook; that seemed to get her attention. “Move.”

“You should be looking to graduate on time too if you’re getting financial aid to pay for your classes, or are you gonna depend on Prescott Jones to pay your tuition bills?” I spat out, not caring if it got on Rosie’s nerves or not.

“Fuck you, Micah,” Rosie spat back, yanking the book from under my hand.

“Whatever, Rosie,” I said, not even phased anymore. We both looked up at Professor Ramirez, who is now calling us out in front of the class.

“Excuse me; Kamalani, Delgado,” he began to say. “You are not the only two students in this class, please try to keep it between the two of you.” We both stood quiet, not wanting to look at her or really be in the same room as her anymore. I should just drop this fucking class, for real.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

It’s Always Something With You: A Grace Monologue.

liz

“Bam! UNO, baby!” Skylar yells as she threw her last card on top of the deck of cards. Sahim sucked his teeth and tossed his cards on the table. I couldn’t help but laugh at Sahim being so competitive; it was kind of cute in a way.

“How the hell are you so good at UNO?” Sahim asked as he gathered the cards on the table.

“Well without getting too figurative: I’m good at playing games,” Skylar bragged, getting up from the table to grab another game behind her. “Y’all trying to get bankrupted in Monopoly?” Before Sahim answered, his phone buzzed on the table. I couldn’t help but look at the screen, and then at Skylar. Fuck; she totally caught me looking at his screen. Sahim picked up the phone to look at the screen.

“As tempting as that offer sounds, I actually have to get going,” Sahim said before looking at me. “Sonia wants the tech crew to rewire the venue lights in the morning before tomorrow’s show.”

“What time?” I said, hoping it wasn’t too early. I actually wanted to spend some time with Sahim before tomorrow’s second show of the production.

“7,” Sahim answered as he got up to get his things from a chair. Well that idea is out the window… “What time do dancers have to be at rehearsal?” he asked.

“12:30, thank god,” I said, helping Slylar clean up the table. “I could sleep in just a little later than usual,” I teased Sahim. He laughed and smiled big as he did.

“Sleep-in, huh? So you’re not going to be at rehearsal on time?” Sahim sarcastically responded before he laughed. I nudged him on his shoulder.

“Such a comedian,” I deadpanned. Sahim’s smile never left his face. As he put his coat on, he looked over at Skylar who was finishing cleaning the table and putting all the various games away that the AirBnB came with. “Thank you for having us tonight, Skylar. I hope you and Shawn have a safe flight to Seoul.”

“Anytime, but you do know Grace is staying over, right?” Skylar pointed out. I looked over at Skylar, hoping she wasn’t insisting anything with her response. “So, she will be seeing you tomorrow at work.”

“Yes ma’am,” Sahim teased before looking back at me. I smiled at him as he smiled at me. “I’ll see you at rehearsal tomorrow.” Sahim kissed my forehead before saying goodbye to Skylar and leaving the small apartment. I knew that Skylar was going to say something as soon as Sahim left. Newsflash: she did.

“I had to let him know that you won’t be joining him in bed tonight,” Skylar finally said as she continued to clean. I rolled my eyes before sitting on the sofa in front of us.

“He knew I was staying here for the night,” I said as I looked through my phone.

“Mhm,” Skylar simply said as she walked past me. “Did he also know that Jamie is your ex-boyfriend?” I looked over at Skylar as she looked at me. “He was really cozy with Jamie when Shawn, you, and I were in the kitchen.”

“No, Sahim doesn’t know Jamie is my ex,” I admitted. “And I rather him not know, ever.”

“So you think he’s not going to ask you why Shawn and his friend didn’t stay to play games?” Skylar asked. “Sounds like you’re the one playing games.”

“The past is in the past, so why bring it up?” I defended my reasoning for not telling Sahim. What good did it do to tell Sahim? It wasn’t like Jamie was going to be around in the same places as Sahim anyway… although they have been in the same place twice now.

“I don’t know, maybe because something like tonight could play out again and he deserves to know,” Skylar crossed her arms, annoyed at me.

“Oh, like how Jamie mysteriously showed up at the opening night of my show?” I spat back, finally confessing what I saw that night.

“Why would Jamie be at the show? How would he even know about it?” Skylar questioned.

“I don’t know, maybe because our boyfriend is best friends with him,” I crossed my arms, mocking Skylar’s gestures. “Ask Shawn how Jamie got there. If I wasn’t s focused on the show, it could’ve ruined the entire number seeing him in the audience that night.”

“But you said it yourself, why does it matter what or where Jamie is? Aren’t you happy being with Sahim?” Skylar pointed out.

“I’m not with Sahim,” I quickly corrected. “We’re just going with the flow-“

“Grace,” Skylar interrupted me. “Are you still caught up in your feelings with Jamie? Is that why you don’t want to make things official with Sahim?” I was now angry at Skylar. Even after knowing everything I went through with that man, she insisted that I would let him get the best of my emotions. It made me think she thought was a weak-minded person. She doesn’t know the complete story; she only knows whatever I told her.

“No,” I began to say. “I don’t want to make things official with Sahim knowing that when this production ends, he goes back to where he lives and I’ll be going back to New York. I learned the first time to not date a man that you know won’t come back to you.” Skylar didn’t say anything; I assumed she felt shitty for what she said. I hate fighting with the people that I cared about the most; I feel like that’s all I knew to do with them. As I got older, I started to realize that I only had such a small handful of people that I actually cared about, and I was tired of fighting with them. As I get older, I’m healing from the wounds my younger self endured, but the scars are still visible on my body. “Sky, I know you mean well, but the way I do things now is not how I did them when was younger, or even when I was in California.”

“I’m sorry,” Skylar responded back, finally sitting next to me on the couch. “I just want you to be happy, and Sahim seems like he’s helped you be happier these days. Sure, you’re doing what you love to do, but I can see just how much he cares about you. I can see how much he already loves you as a person just by the way he looks at you. It’s how I knew Shawn loved me, way before he left California last summer.”

I couldn’t imagine Sahim already being in love with me, and if he was, it made me feel horrible. Another man to let down in the long run. There was no doubt that I really liked Sahim, but to love another man was something I didn’t think I would ever want to experience again. I want to love myself for once in my life.

“The difference is that Shawn made an effort to make things right,” I said more out loud than to Skylar. “He left, and came back. I don’t trust anyone to do the same for me.”

“Jamie did,” Sylar spat out. “Shit just happened, but he did come back because he loved you. Sahim would do the same; because people are capable of loving you.” I sighed, leaning back on the couch. I was done having this serious conversation; I just wanted to spend my last night with Skylar before she leaves.

“So, what is the story I’m going to tell about you and Shawn at your wedding during the reception?” I teased, looking over at Skylar. I laughed as she rolled her eyes, but at least she was smiling. She loved that man and even though she never mentioned marriage, she will say yes in a heartbeat. “Am I going to tell the one where you ditched me with my ex to go hook up with his friend after the night at The Voyage?”

“We didn’t hook up that night, smartass,” Skylar corrected before she started to laugh. “Remember when you came back to the condo and Shawn came running down the stairs in one of my robes?”

“Sky, he was terrified! The way I entered the condo; he probably thought he just was with someone else’s girl or some shit,” I laughed, recalling the memories with Skylar.

“I remember you had to pick that janky lock just to get in the damn place! Like girl, I did not hear you knock on that door, no matter how loud it was-” Before Skylar was able to finish her sentence, the front door of the apartment was being knocked on. The knocks were loud and frantic, which made both of us jump in place. Skylar got up from the couch to see who it was.

“Sky!” I whispered, calling out for her. “The fuck are you doing? We’re in a foreign country and you’re about to answer a banging door?!”

“Girl, it’s probably Shawn; he forgot to take the key when he left,” Skylar said as she proceeded to unlock the front door to open it. When she did, I didn’t expect to see what I saw on the other side of the door.

“Jamie?” Skylar said, clearly confused. She looked at Shawn in Jamie’s arms, clearly passed out. “Shawn?!”

It’s always something with you, I thought.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The New Normal: A Milo Monologue.

liz

Days in the treehouse were always brutal in the wintertime. I remember my dad told me he first went to the treehouse with my mom during the winter, and he wasn’t properly dressed for the cold. When he was my age, every electronic was either on a cord or needed 5,000 huge batteries in order for it to work. Thank god for things being wireless these days.

I walked up to the treehouse with a little portable heater in my backpack; I had taken it from Jennifer’s studio back at the house. I climbed up and sat in the treehouse, taking all of my supplies out of my bag.

I can’t lie; I was nervous to talk to Sophie. How could someone that you once felt so comfortable talking to and telling your secrets now feel like a complete stranger? I guess I was used to it with Mollie. I didn’t even feel bad leaving her house to come here; why was I celebrating someone’s birthday who didn’t care about my thoughts or how their actions made me feel? She wasn’t the same person I once called my best friend. She spent all of her time with Aaron; I don’t even think she shows up to dance rehearsal, according to Jennifer. That wasn’t like Mollie; I knew she loved to dance. The Mollie I knew loved to dance.

I started to hear some noise underneath the treehouse, which made me look out the window. I saw Sophie standing there, taking out her phone from her pocket.

“Scout,” I called out. Sophie looked up at me, answering to the nickname I gave her back in middle school. Even after not being on good terms with her, she still answered to the nickname. It made me smile. She began to climb up the ladder toward the treehouse; every step closer to the top made me more nervous. She finally got to the top and entered the treehouse. She was quiet, nothing like our time together before our huge fight the night of the showcase. I hate how that night panned out.

“You’re not cold?” Sophie asked me once we saw me wearing just a hoodie and a light jacket. The truth is I was, and I hated that I took the wrong jacket before leaving my house. I blamed Mollie for getting me angry before I left.

“I’m okay,” I said, adjusting so that Sophie could sit comfortably in the treehouse. We didn’t say much at first; I think the both of us were not sure how to bring up what happened that night, but I think it hurt me more to not be on speaking terms with someone that has come to be my only friend at this point. “Thanks for meeting with me, by the way.”

“Yeah,” Sophie said back, playing with the string attached to her coat. I knew she was nervous when she felt the need to play with any small object during a serious conversation. I would remind her to stop picking at her nails or pulling on tags or strings when she did. I guess she didn’t realize she was doing it, and this time was no different. I placed my hand on top of hers, stopping her from pulling at her coat string any longer. She looked at me before I quickly yanked my arm away, feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t help it; it was more so a reflex than a nice gesture at this point.

“I meant what I said over the phone,” I began to say. “I really am sorry for hurting your feelings and for putting you in a position you shouldn’t have been in. I shouldn’t have dragged you into my mess with Mollie.” I looked at Sophie for a quick second, but she didn’t seem to react to anything I was saying. I wanted her to know that I was genuine in the words I was saying; I really did miss her being such a big part of my days. I didn’t realize until it was taken away just how much Sophie’s company and friendship meant to me. I didn’t realize until it was too late that Sophie had seen me in the way that I saw her.

“It’s more than just you and Mollie, Milo,” Sophie finally began to say. “It’s the fact that you didn’t consider what I was going through that night being the first showcase. I was nervous, I was anticipating the audience leaving the auditorium when the strings came up on stage. I was sad that no one from my family could come to my first-ever showcase. I just felt like you glanced over that.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I defended. “But I know that doesn’t excuse how I acted towards you when I found out you and Aaron had a conversation. That guy is just bad news and I don’t want him to get to you or make you believe anything he says about the strings or–“

“You?” Sophie said, finally looking up at me. I didn’t know what to say; was it selfish to say yes? Was I that worried about Aaron taking another person that I cared about? Did I think Aaron was that persuasive to get someone to think badly of me? Yes. He’s done it with Mollie. She knew the answer when I didn’t say anything back. She sighed before she said anything. “I mean this in the nicest way, but not everything is about you, Milo. He was genuinely asking about Mollie and if she was okay.”

“I believe you,” I began to say. “I just felt hurt when you knew that Aaron and Mollie were dating and you didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t know fully until Mollie said something,” Sophie confessed. What? Why would Mollie tell her? “She was the one that pretty much confirmed they were dating.”

“Why though?” I questioned. Sophie’s face changed and she looked nervous to say. “Why would Mollie confirm something like that to you and not tell her best friend.”

“I don’t want this to be all about Mollie,” Sophie said, putting her foot down. “Why are we so worried about other people and not about each other? We’re supposed to be friends, right?” We’re supposed to be friends, right? It was kind of a relief that we didn’t have to bring up our feelings for each other, and I think she sensed that. Not talking about our feelings became the new normal for us, and I think this time it was even more serious since in reality, Sophie was now my only friend.

“Of course,” I answered. “Of course we’re friends.”

“Then let’s try to not let other people affect our friendship,” Sophie pleaded. “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings and for not telling you about what I knew. I just didn’t want to get caught up in drama that was not my business to begin with.”

Sophie was completely right, and I was happy that she was understanding get logical in the way she handled this situation. I know Sophie well enough to know that she would’ve preferred to not have known about Mollie and Aaron. She wasn’t trying to keep secrets from me; she was just trying to stay away from a situation that was just too deep to get involved with.

Stupid me got her into the situation, and I feel bad for doing so.

“You did nothing wrong,” I finally said, looking at Sophie. “You’re a good person for not spreading around anyone’s business like that, and that’s really all that matters.” Sophie smiled, appearing to be more comfortable in the treehouse. I couldn’t help but give her a hug. She tensed up as soon as I gave her the hug, but immediately melted into it, hugging me back even. “I missed you, Scout.”

“I missed you too, Milo,” Sophie responded. “I missed being in the treehouse with you.”

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something to be Considered: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

It was typical for a night at the bar to be like this: people sitting at tables grilling meat before they take a sip of their alcohol for the night. Shawn insisted we go straight to the bar for the drinks.

We sat near the end of the bar and right away, Shawn ordered us beers. I can tell Shawn has a lot on his mind; he’s not one to skip out on food before drinks.

“Ya,” I called out. “One of us has to drive tonight.” I pushed my beer to Shawn; he accepts the glass without saying anything. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Shawn quickly said before he sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about tonight, hyung. I didn’t know that Skylar had made plans with–“

“I know–” I began to say, but Shawn kept talking.

“Grace,” Shawn finished his sentence. I tried to not react to her name; I really didn’t want Shawn to assume that she still had some sort of impact on me. Shawn laughed and shook his head, taking a sip of the beer. “You gotta get over it.”

“Get over what?” I asked, annoyed at Shawn at this point.

“Grace, hyung,” Shawn looked up at me, now seeming more serious. “Do you know how exhausting it is for Skylar and I having to walk on eggshells because you guys seem to not be over it already?”

“I don’t know who told you that I wasn’t over it,” I began to say. It was pissing me off that Shawn would assume such nonsense. “But let you hear it from me: I’m over it. Her. everything about that crazy time.” I hate that I was able to talk down on such an important time in my life.

“Then act like it,” Shawn spat out before ordering another round of drinks. “You have a girlfriend for God’s sake.”

“Were is this coming from?” I questioned, truly wanting to know the answer. Shawn was so hostile. What was discussed in the kitchen between the three of them? “The plan was for you, Sylar, and I to have a cordial night, and I agreed to doing just that. Grace being there with her boy toy was not on the list of plans I had for tonight.” Shawn’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I know about Sahim.”

“Hyung, I swear I never hung out with them before; I mean we all went out after the show but that was it!” Shawn explained as his hard demanor now softened up.

“Ya, I don’t care if you did or not,” I said, sucked my teeth. “You’re Skylar’s boyfriend, and she’s going to want you to be around if Grace is… with Sahim.” Sahim. What kind of name was that? How did they even meet? I can’t help but think about the conversation I had with Sahim in the living room earlier tonight. Something bothered me about the conversation. “He seems like a nice guy.” Shawn looked shocked, expecting me to say something bad about Sahim like a typical ex-boyfriend.

“He’s cool,” Shawn simply said, taking a big gulp of the beer left in his cup. He’s drinking a lot more than I expected. Nothing is said after that, and I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore.

“I actually spoke to him when you and Skylar were in the kitchen with Grace,” I recalled, playing with the napkin in front of me. Shawn looked at me, listening. I looked at him and sighed. “He introduced himself to me, and then introduced me to Grace.”

“What?” Shawn said, confused.

“He didn’t know who I was, Shawn,” I emphasized, shifting in my seat. I look at the drinks behind the counter, regretting the fact that I agreed to be the designated driver tonight. “He would’ve been so protective of her. He would’ve not asked me to sit down with them. That’s what is bothering me about tonight.”

“What do you mean?” Shawn continued to question.

“Shawn,” I emphasized his name. “She never told him about me. It’s like everything we had and went through never happened.”

“Isn’t that better though?” Shawn responded back. “Maybe it’s best if you both just… forget the past.” Forget the past? It was one thing to forget the bad moments of our relationship, but to completely forget about the past? Our past? Shawn orders another round of drinks, and i can’t help but mention the amount of alcohol he’s consuming tonight.

“Shawn, are you alright?” I genuinely asked Shawn, who’s now sipping on another glass of beer. “You’re drinking a lot tonight.”

“We’re at a bar, hyung,” Shawn mocked. “We’re suppose to drink at a bar.”

“You’ve never drank this much though,” I pointed out. “Is everything okay with Skylar and you?”

“Of course,” Shawn quickly answered. “We’re in a great place in our relationship.” Shawn looks back at his glass and pushes it away. His face is flushed; he’s definitely had way too much to drink.

“Then what’s going on? You’re only get this way when you ‘re stressed about something.” It began to click in my head. I knew Shawn well enough that when he’s serious about something, he gets anxious about it failing. He was the same way back in law school; Kevin and I had to drag him out of local bars nights before a big exam or mock trail. I wish I was able to notice it sooner, maybe then I could’ve stopped all this back-to-back drinking he’s down tonight. “Are you nervous about the trip back home to Seoul?”

“Hyung,” Shawn scoffed. “Why would I be nervous to go back home? I’m already here in Korea.”

“Because you’re here with your American girlfriend to introduce her to your native Korean family,” I admitted, crossing my arms across my chest. “You’ve ben acting weird ever since you came back to Korea; are you nervous about that?” I guess Shawn finally let his guard down because the worry is now transparent on his face.

“Jamie,” Shawn said in a whisper-like tone. “What if my family doesn’t like her? They already have a strong opinion about my relationship with her.”

“They’ve told you this?” I asked. Shawn’s family were quiet people; they didn’t say much unless they knew you and were comfortable with you. Totally opposite of what Shawn is.

“No, but I did come back to Korea or me to just go back to America weeks later for a girl I had met a month prior,” Shawn recalled. “I left my life here in Korea to be with a woman in America. No job, no money; nothing. Of course they are going to have opinions about her and our relationship.”

“But you never cared about what your family thought about your relationships,” I reminded Shwan. Shawn didn’t date many women, but when he did, they were eccentric Korean women that definitely were not good for him. Despite his family having strong opinions about them, he would date them until he found out the truth behind these women on his own. “You would only want to care about your family’s opinion about your relationship if–” It finally clicked. I’ve just assumed that one day in the future, he’d consider it. I’ve joked about this, not knowing that it’s been circulating Shawn’s mind this whole time. “Shawn,” I said.

“What?” he looked at me and answered.

“Are you going to propose to Skylar in Korea?” I asked. I saw the color vanish from Shawn’s face. I couldn’t tell if he was going to vomit from all the alcohol he drank, or if I was right in thinking he was going to propose.

“I am,” Shawn confessed. “I bought the ring and everything. I was going to propose to her in Seoul.” I looked at Shawn, not really knowing what to say to him. Shawn was not serious about life. He was a carefree soul just going through the days one-by-one. I know that Shawn changed the moment he met Skylar. He met a woman that was his missing half in life; someone that understood him as a person but made him see life differently. I know the feeling all too well.

“Ya,” I scoffed, trying to not make it a big deal for Shawn. I didn’t want him to overthink the decision, but it wasn’t sitting right with me. “She hasn’t even met your family yet. Don’t you want to see if she fits in or not?” Shawn scrunched his eyebrows, clearly annoyed with my response.

“Of course she’s not going to fit in,” Shawn spat out. “She’s American.”

“You know what mean, Shawn,” I said. “Were you just going to have her meet your family and if all went well you were going to propose? That’s not how you’re going to get your family to accept her and your relationship.”

“My family is not like our family, Jamie,” Shawn raised his voice. “I don’t have to prove anything to him in order for me to make a decision about my own life. I don’t have to run to my sister or parents to get the approval of wanting to be with a woman!” Shawn was known to throw something at you if he felt threatened or judged for something he felt passionate about. This wasn’t the first time Shawn did this; talk about the influence my family had over me with decision making. Shawn knew that my family and my life here in krea was what held me back from staying in New York. I was angry, but disappointed that Shawn would go below the belt to make a point.

“You’re right,” I said. “They aren’t, but if their approval isn’t what you are seeking, then why is it so important to you that they get along with Skylar? Why are you going to Seoul two weeks earlier than planned when your sister is in town? Face it, Shawn. You want their approval to validate the decision. You want to make sure that you’re not making a decision based off of love, because it’s more than just love. Love isn’t going to bring your family to your wedding if they don’t approve your relationship with Skylar.” I began to get up from my seat; I was done being in this bar talking in circles with Shawn about Grace and SKylar and my damn past mistakes. I can’t take my mistakes back, but I am tired of having to relive them whenever I’m trying to look out for one of my brothers.

“That’s why things didn’t work out between Grace and I,” I continued to say. “Because people like us were not meant to be together. At the end of the day, our lives were too different.” Before I was able to turn away and leave Shawn, hr grabbed my arm. I turned around and saw the fear and desperation in his eyes. He was torn apart about all of this. He didn’t know what to do in this moment. It wasn’t my intention to give him second thoughts about being with Skylar, but Shawn is solely moving from love. I know Skylar will one day be his wife, but I don’t know if that should happen now; not when he and Skylar have to divide their time with the people people they love because the people they love used to love each other.

“Hyung, lease,” Shawn pleaded. “I love Skylar. So much. I can’t imagine my life without her. I want to marry her, I–” Shawn slurred his words and began to lean off of the chair he was sitting in. I didn’t even notice that he had finished the two drinks he ordered last. Fuck.

“Come on,” I grabbed Shawn my his arms and helped him walk towards the exit. “We gotta bring you home. You’re drunk.”

“Skylar’s gonna kill me, hyung,” Shawn said, almost inaudible at this point.

“Not before she kills me,” i added, helping Shawn to our car in the parking lot.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Chapter Eight, ‘The Peaceful Era’.

liz

Picture this: It’s the end of a long workweek. You take off your work clothes and hop into something more cozy for the night after taking a hot shower. You look at your phone– at this point, it’s just habit– and see your social media followers post how their night is going on their IG stories. Some are at a small concert somewhere in the city. Some are posting boomerangs of the cute drinks they bought at a bar. Some are just hanging out with their friends, celebrating the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend. You don’t feel like you’re missing out on all the fun and cool things happening in the world, and you don’t feel the need to force anything you’re really not up for doing. You feel content. You feel okay. You feel… well, at peace.

What? Since when?

Well, I guess this is what it feels like. What chapter are we on now? Oh! Right. Chapter eight: peace.

Chapter Eight: Peace

It was a particularly cold and rainy April day, yet I felt like I needed to leave the house before I drowned in my thoughts. My eyes were puffy, and my head hurt; nothing I deemed as a coping skill was working. I have to go for a walk before I lose my mind. I walked for about 2 miles before deciding to sit in a Dunkin Donuts; of course, I bought myself a hot coffee and decided to write a blog post to distract myself. It didn’t work.

It wasn’t until I decided to walk home and listen to WOODZ’s new album that everything hit me at once. Why was I allowing other people’s actions to control my mental health? Why was I solely blaming myself for the failed friendships, making myself feel like I deserved all of the bad things happening to me, and telling myself that I was nothing but a bad person.

I was tired of feeling the way that I did, and I was tired of history repeating itself in stages of my life where I knew better. This time, I wanted to get over this funk differently. Instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim in everything happening, I wanted to change how I viewed my role in these situations and learn from it. It took some ups and downs to finally realize that I needed to change my mentality in order to live a peaceful life. I was simply tired of allowing myself to get sucked into feeling all these negative things and running from them when it got too hard.

By the summertime, I had set boundaries with the toxic traits embedded in me; traits that I knew were just a part of my psyche and too convoluted to understand and work through. I needed to accept the fact that I was not this perfect person with perfect character traits. I had to accept that some of my toxic traits played numerous roles in the clashing of both past and current relationships and friendships. The same way I would set boundaries with the toxic people in my life, I needed to do the same thing with my own toxic self.

I started eliminating the things that caused me to revert to my toxic traits. I started to restrict my time on social media platforms, filtering the context that made me feel anxious or impulsive (i.e blocking people I had falling outs with, muting stories and posts that were negative, etc). I stopped caring about what other people thought about me by doing things that made me feel good, and I (finally) stopped feeling guilty for doing things I wanted to do and doing them at my own pace.

I went to my second-ever Kpop concert. I went to a taping of The Kelly Clarkson Show. I went to a Halloween party. A Halloween party? Me? I know! Once I started to do things for myself without doubting whether or not I would be okay, I found myself being a very active and busy person. I wanted to do nothing but spend every night after work doing something fun just to celebrate the hard work I did that day. I wanted to go to every concert of every singer and band that I liked, even if I needed to travel to big venues and busy parts of New York City to attend them. I simply wanted to do things that nurtured my younger self, the one that spent decades second guessing everything their worth and their ability to do anything they wanted to do. It was about time I did things solely for the purpose of making the little me the happiest she could possibly be.

A time when things were simple. A time when I always felt at peace, before life got too complicated.

Perhaps this new era of my life is just about me closing a chapter of my life before 2024 comes and I turn 30. Maybe all of this soul-searching and practices to become a better person to myself is me wanting to end my 20s on a good note. I entered my 20s in a good place, and the years in between definitely were not the greatest, nor the easiest for me. I’ve been told for the longest time by women older than me that the 30s are your best years because something just clicks in your head. A lot of the things that were important to you, like vanity and people-pleasing and having huge friend groups, aren’t that important to you anymore. You develop your own style outside of what’s trending, you don’t say yes to everything if you truly feel uncomfortable doing them, and you start to realize and appreciate the things that you have versus wishing on the things that you want. I guess it finally clicked with me, and perhaps having a peaceful life simply comes with age and maturing. Maybe I’m finally maturing.

Whatever this era symbolizes or means in the long run, I just know that when I sit down, take a deep breath, and begin to reflect on this last year, I smile and simply say, “Finally”.