Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 10: As Told By Black Sheep: A Rosie Monologue.

liz

The thing I hate about Micah is that he will go below the belt and bring up something just so that he is in control of the argument. In our case, it’s about the night we hooked up.

Yes. We hooked up one night and I’ve regretted it ever since.

We had gotten high in Micah’s bathroom one night when he invited me over. He insisted I stay at his place while his family were away with his younger sisters. Micah chose to not go, which didn’t surprise me at all. Micah never seemed to want to do anything with his family, which I didn’t understand. They seemed to be like a decent family, but I guess Micah thought otherwise.

“You know you can stay here for the night,” Micah insisted, once we left our campus. “My folks are on some college tour trip with my sisters, so it’s not like you have to worry about them coming home.”

“I’m fine,” I said, zipping up my winter coat all the way to my chin. I don’t know what possessed me to wear a skirt with some torn-up stockings, but I was fucking freezing. I guess Micah could read through the bullshit, as he wasn’t having it.

“Dude, it’s cold as fuck out here,” Micah mentioned. “I know your apartment sucks with the heat. I’m not trying to wake up tomorrow morning learning you died from hyperthermia or some shit.” Micah had a way of telling you that he cared about you in the weirdest ways possible. I rolled my eyes, not really wanting to fight with Micah in the middle of a dark campus in freezing weather.

“Fine; if it makes you feel better, I’ll crash at your place,” I said, sighing at y defeat. Micah immediately smiled, leading the way toward the bus stop. “Next thing you need to get is a car, Micah.”

“I’m working on it,” Micah turned around to say.

…

I don’t remember how long it took us to finally get to Micah’s place, but what I do remember is the neighborhood he lived in. It was in the nicer part of Brooklyn; one that you would raise a family in and send your kid to the school down the block. It was funny to think about; Micah had this demeanor about him that seemed like he grew up in the hood or some shit. One of these days, someone is going to give him a reality check if they find out that he grew up in a two-parent household, in an actual house in an actual nice neighborhood.

“Nice place you got here,” I said, looking around the living room area. Micah looked at me funny, but didn’t say anything to me. He looked around with me, dropping his bag in the living room.

“Thanks, my parents really know how to decorate a place,” Micah said, not really interested in the choice of topic. He laughed, knowing that me complimenting the décor of his house was a weird move on my part. “Let me go grab something for you to sleep in.”

“I could just sleep in my clothes,” I quickly said, standing in the middle of the living room. Micah looked at me, cocking an eyebrow.

“A t-shirt and tiny ass skirt that you thought was cute to wear in the freezing cold?” Micah teased, crossing his arms along his chest. I sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes.

“Okay, fine!” I gave in, not wanting to get into it with Micah. Micah was stubborn as fuck; I learned that early on in our friendship. When Micah left the living room, I began to look around at the pictures that surrounded the cozy home. I can tell Micah’s parents were madly in love with each other; photos of themselves were all over the place. Micah looks so much like his mother, it’s kind of freaky. More pictures of Micah and his family were on the walls, many from when he was just a kid. He seemed happier when he was a kid. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Micah smile that big before since knowing him. What happened? What could have possibly gone wrong for him to be the way he is now?

“I hope this is fine,” I heard Micah’s voice close to me, which caused me to jump up, scared. It’s been hard for me to adjust my fight or flight response since that night at Prescott’s; even when I was back in Philly with Hudson, every time he would come into the room and I didn’t hear him, I would scream in fear. It was hard to get out of my own head, that Prescott wasn’t there to sneak up behind me and hurt me like he would when things weren’t going his way.

I looked at Micah, who looked visibly upset. I didn’t mean for him to feel like he did something wrong; he truly didn’t. It’s truly my fault.

“Thanks, Micah,” I said, taking the clothes from Micah. He stood there, clearly not knowing what he should do after scaring the living shit out of me. “Sorry, I’m just a little bit… jumpy. Thought it was one of your parents or something.” No, I didn’t, but I lied just to make sure Micah didn’t blame himself for scaring me.

“It’s okay,” Micah simply said, forcing a smile on his face. “Come to the bathroom once you’re done changing.”

“Huh?” I asked, confused. “Why would we both be in the bathroom at the same time?”

“Roe,” Micah deadpanned. “Just come to the goddamn bathroom,” Micah said and laughed, walking toward the bathroom with a chair from the dining area.

The bathroom is dark, but Micah plugs in a speaker with an LED light. I kept looking at him every time he would enter the bathroom with something new. His lack of explanation was bothering me.

“Micah, what the fuck are we doing in here?” I finally asked. Micah smiled, which made me ease up a little bit. Our banter always seems to be comforting for both of us; I think that’s why whenever things feel a little too tense or serious, we just go back to what we know. Micah reaches for something underneath the sink; a long, metal ashtray-looking thing. I immediately looked back up at Micah; he definitely didn’t see him as the type who actually smoked so casually inside his parent’s house.

“Do you smoke?” Micah asked me, placing the tray on his lap, and sitting on the edge of the tub. I didn’t know what to tell him, considering I used to live on the streets of Philly surrounded by people who smoked anything and everything. I wasn’t one of them, but I definitely smoked every now and then when I needed to take the edge off of it. Many of the times I did smoke did not end on good terms, though. “I ask because I do.”

“I remember you saying that back at The Lounge,” I said, watching Micah take a nugget of weed outside of the ziplock bag. “Is that the bootleg shit you bought back at The Lounge from that sketchy ass guy?”

“Ha, ha,” Micah deadpanned, continuing to roll up the weed. “This is from Tanner’s brother, I usually cop my bud from him.” I knew who Tanner was; he was the tall, awkward blonde guy that is dating Micah’s friend, Dani. I only know that because there were times I would see the three of them enter the Student Center whenever I had a shift at the bookstore. It must be nice to have an actual group of friends that care about you. I don’t let Micah know that I actually know who his friends are; I think it would be weird.

“Who’s Tanner?” I asked. Micah cocked an eyebrow at me, realizing that he never actually introduced me to his group of friends.

“Tanner’s one of my closest friends,” Micah simply answered.

“Is he the really tall guy with the blonde hair? Always with that short white girl that you’re always yelling at?” I asked. Micah gave me a puzzled look as if he was trying to read my mind. Micah tended to do that at times whenever we were having a conversation. In a way, it made me feel like he knew that I knew more than I led on. Of course, he didn’t question me about it.

“Yeah, that’s his girlfriend, Dani,” Micah said, finally lighting the blunt he rolled. “My parents are best friends with her parents, so we’re more like family than friends.” I know, Micah. I can totally see just how sibling-like you guys are when you argue in the middle of the Student Center.

“That’s cool,” I said, feeling a bit awkward. The bathroom was silent for a couple of minutes before Micah reached out to pass the blunt to me. I look at him, not really knowing what I should do.

“It’s okay if you wanna smoke, Roe,” Micah finally said, still holding out the blunt. “No judgment whatsoever. This is a safe space.” I slowly take the blunt from Micah’s hands and begin to smoke it. I can’t lie, Micah knew what he was doing rolling this shit up. Only the seasoned pros knew how to roll, so it just made me wonder just how long Micah had been smoking. I immediately began to take a couple of pulls; every one feeling a bit looser and calm.

“What if I told you that smoking this broke my sobriety?” I teased, trying to convince Micah that I was serious. I guess it worked, because Micah immediately looks worried as fuck. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Dude, I’m joking!” Micah finally released the biggest sigh of relief.

“That was mad convincing,” Micah said, taking a pull from the blunt. “I mean we never drank or smoke before together, so I wouldn’t have known.”

“Nah,” I said, taking the blunt that Micah passed. “I never had the money to afford it. Plus, my boyfriend at the time was a total junkie. I didn’t want to be anything like him.” I felt myself rambling on at this point, but I felt comfortable talking to Micah. I’ve gotten to known Micah these last couple of months and realize that he’s a listener. He never really talks about himself unless the conversation takes it there. He always seemed to listen to me, which I felt was odd. What me? What was it about me that made someone want to listen? “Like he literally would beat the shit out of me thinking I stole his drug money whenever he couldn’t afford it.”

“Roe,” Micah finally said. Roe. The nickname that Micah gave me that I hated at first but grown to find comfort in it. It was simple, and only Micah ever called me by it. Our friendship was simple, even when we both are complicated as fuck. I looked at Micah, continuing to speak what was on my mind.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but I stayed with him for years. There wasn’t anyone in my life to tell me how a guys should treat you, and what a guy does when he truly loves you. I thought my relationship was normal. Until it wasn’t.” I passed the blunt to Micah.

“And your parents didn’t do anything?” He asked.

“No,” I simply answered. “I was emancipated from my parents by the time I turned 18, but it had felt like I was for even longer than that. They didn’t give a shit about me.” Micah passed the blunt back to me without taking any pulls.

“Finish it,” he simply said. I just nodded, taking another pull from the blunt.

“It’s why I don’t go back to Philly; why go back to the place where you felt like shit, we’re tested like shit, and everything that was once good turned into shit?” There was a long pause after saying that. I felt weird; maybe being so vocal about my life made Micah uncomfortable. Maybe this is a good time to get up and say I have to go or some shit. Before I was able to get up to readjust myself, Micah’s voice echoed in the small bathroom.

“Sometimes I wish my family didn’t care about me,” he began to say. I looked at him, lost in thought. “Maybe then it would’ve been easier to kill myself when I was younger.”

I looked at Micah as he started to roll up another blunt from the tray. Micah didn’t seem like the type that would ever be suicidal. He had a white ego; one that was fed by the presence of other people. He definitely had his own issues, but he never seemed to be the type to feel defeated to the point he would even have suicidal thoughts.

“Well,” I began to say, wanting to say something meaningful. “I’m glad you didn’t follow through with that. And I’m glad your family cares about you enough for you to know that you are loved. You are an important member of this society.”

“You too, Roe,” Micah looked at me to say before continuing rolling the second blunt.

“Am I though?” I genuinely asked. I thought about those back in Philly that I left behind. I think about all the people that came and went in my life; where are those people now? I know I’m disposable, and I’ve learned to accept that. “Nobody would truly miss me if I was dead.” It’s true, and it’s why I don’t get close to anyone in my life anymore. It’s why I only keep people that I can get something out of it to benefit me.

“I would,” Micah whispered. Besides Micah.

“You just met me though,” I softly said, high and defeated. “How could you miss someone you just met?”

“Because I lost my shit when you were in the hospital,” Micah confessed as he looked at me. “Like, fuck Rosie. I would fucking lose my shit if I found out anything were to ever happen to you, and that’s how I know. No one gets me like you do. No one; not even my best friends and family. Just you. You just fucking get me.”

“And you just fucking get me too,” I said back, slightly teasing Micah but being honest with him. He gently grabbed the palm of my hand after trying to grab the metal ashtray from his lap. I looked at him, not moving an inch closer or away. I didn’t know what to think or do at that moment. I remember liking it though. Fuck; of course I did.

“Micah,” I began to say. “Do you mind if I roll up the next one?” Micah doesn’t answer back right away. He sits there, heavy in his thoughts. Micah was always so confident in his demeanor and the way that he spoke to other people. This was a first for him, except this time he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

…

The next thing I knew I was lying on Micah’s bed, looking up at him as he crawled on top of me and continued to kiss me. Why did this feel right? What did this mean? How did this even happen in the first place? Music continued to play in Micah’s room, and I voluntarily began to take off my clothes. Micah was a gentle lover. He held you as he kissed you, caressed your body in positions that fit with his body. He wasn’t just some guy that fucked chicks for the hell of it, at least that’s not how it happened that night.

But like all good things in life, they come to an end once the high of it all wears off.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 9: Tape #10: Biology Class Blues.

liz

The bell rings and students begin walking inside the science lab classroom. Milo walks to one of the lab seats, places his book bag on the ground, and takes out his notebook.

The biology teacher, Ms. Swanson, enters the classroom, immediately beginning the class once the second bell rings.

Ms. Swanson: Okay class, please take a seat at one of our lab desks so that we can get today’s assignment started.

Milo looks up when he hears someone sitting across from him. It’s Gwen Mesdrow, a girl with long, stringy black hair that nearly covers the majority of her face. Milo rolls his eyes before looking down at the notebook.

Ms. Swanson: Before we get started, can anyone explain to the class what is the process called when one cell splits into two within the human body?

The class stays silent. Ms. Swanson looks around the class before she sighs.

Ms. Swanson: This is basic biology terminology; everyone in the class should know this.

Milo looked around to see if anyone else knew the answer. He kept his head down, avoiding eye contact with the teacher. He clearly also did not know it.

Milo watches Gwen raise her hand, in which Ms. Swanson points at her.

Ms. Swanson: Gwen?

Gwen: It’s called Mitosis. It’s the process when a cell replicates its chromosomes to then split them into two, creating two identical cells in preparation for other stages of cell division.

Milo looks up at Gwen, amazed at the answer she gave for the class. He knew Gwen was one of the smartest kids in their sophomore class, but he didn’t realize just how smart she truly was in comparison to everyone else in this specific class.

Ms. Swanson: Beautifully put, Gwen; thank you.

Gwen turned around to face forward in her seat, quickly glancing at Milo before looking back down at her notebook.

Milo: *whispers* That was so easy how you put it.

Gwen: *confused* Huh?

Milo: The answer. You’ve explained Mitosis better than Ms. Swanson ever did in class.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back as Ms. Swanson stops her lecture and looks at Milo.

Ms. Swanson: Milo, would you like to add anything to our discussion?

There’s a slight pause in the room; nothing was said and the only sound in the room was from the other students turning their bodies to look at Milo. Milo appears nervous.

Milo: I was agreeing with you, in that Gwen put it in an easily understandable way.

Ms. Swanson doesn’t say anything back. She turns around and continues to teach the lesson.

Later in the class, Ms. Swanson picks up last week’s lab assignments and directs the class’ attention.

Ms. Swanson: *walks around, handing out papers* For those that did not do well on this lab report, I strongly recommend going to one of our after-school tutors before next week’s midterm exam.

Ms. Swanson places Milo’s lab report upside down on the desk. Milo flips it over to see the grade; a 55/100. Milo looks up at Ms. Swanson, who is now handing Gwen’s paper to her facing upwards, revealing the 100/100 grade.

Ms. Swanson: Please use all the possible resources we offer as you all know, a failing grade affects your major status at Waverly; especially those who are dual majors.

Ms. Swanson looks at Milo before moving toward another table. Milo looks at his failing grade again. The bell rings and all of the other students begin to pack their bags to leave the classroom. Milo watches Gwen get up from her seat with her book bag over one shoulder.

Milo: *gets up* Gwen!

Gwen jumps, quickly turning around to look at Milo. Gwen turns around, walking toward the exit of the classroom. Milo follows her.

Milo: *runs* Wait, Gwen!

Gwen: *turns around* What?

Milo stops running when he sees Gwen turn around abruptly, trying to not run into her.

Milo: How’d you do on your last lab report?

Gwen: Why?

Milo: You probably got the highest grade in our class.

Gwen: Again, what does that have to do with you knowing my grade?

Milo: *fidgets in place* Well, Biology isn’t my strong suit, and I didn’t do well on my last report.

Gwen: Once again; what does that have to do with me and my grade?

Milo sighs when the warning bell for the next class rings.

Milo: I need someone who can break down this class in a way that I can understand.

Gwen: *dismissive* Ms. Swanson said there are tutors in the student center; ask one of them to help you.

As Gwen starts walking away, Milo follows her, walking alongside her in the hallway. Gwen looks up at Milo before looking straight ahead.

Milo: But you actually make this stupid shit make sense; I really need to pass this class or—

Once again, Gwen stops mid-walk and looks over to Milo.

Gwen: I know. You’ll fail, and then your precious dual major is jeopardized. Instead of using me just to get a better grade in a class, you should really go ask a tutor to help you.

Gwen walks away from Milo, leaving him in the middle of the hallway. Not long after that, Milo’s name is heard. He turns around to see Jennifer and Nicki walking toward him.

Jennifer: Dude, we were calling you for like a straight 5 minutes! Who the hell were you even talking to?

Milo: *shakes his head* A nerd. A nobody.

Milo looks away and walks in the other direction, towards Jennifer and Nicki.

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 8: Setting Something in Stone: A Grace Monologue.

liz

Car rides tend to be where Jamie and I spoke the most, even when we were on good terms.

We once sat in traffic in New York for nearly 45 minutes during a random snowstorm in November. Christmas music was already playing on the radio, which I immediately turned off to save any Christmas spirit I had in me for the year.

“You’re feeling very Grinch-like tonight,” Jamie teased, looking at me huffing in the passenger seat.

“I hate city traffic,” I said, shaking my head and looking out the car window. “This is why I take the subway to get where I need to go.”

“Well, on a holiday weekend you know it’s impossible to get anywhere on time,” Jamie mentioned. I looked at him and cocked my eyebrow up.

“Oh, so you’re a native New Yorker now?” I teased Jamie.

“Are you a native New Yorker?” Jamie looked at me and asked. “What borough is Virginia located in?” I nudged Jamie as he started to laugh out loud. He had such an obnoxious, but contagious laugh. I couldn’t stay mad at him.

“I just wished that for one holiday season, I wasn’t in New York,” I said, leaning my head on the back of the car seat. “Everyone makes New York out to be this magical ass place during the holiday, which just makes it more dirty, more polluted, and unpleasing to actually experience.” I looked over at Jamie; he wore a perplexed look on his face. It didn’t click on me until after saying my hate for tourists that I realized that technically, Jamie was one too.

“I’m enjoying my holiday season in New York,” Jamie confessed, looking forward at the traffic. “But as a native New Yorker, I can see where you’re coming from.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at Jamie’s banter.

“You’re different,” I said to Jamie. “You’re not solely here to just experience Christmas in New York. You’re here for a job; plus, you’re not that annoying.” I teased Jamie; he immediately smiled and shook his head.

“Thanks,” Jamie said, sarcastically. He leaned his head back, finally relaxing and surrendering to the traffic. He looks at me and smiles. “I have my reasons for enjoying New York right now.”

“Yeah?” I playfully said. “And what are those reasons?”

“I get to spend the holidays with the most beautiful girl in the world,” Jamie said, smiling wide. “And I happened to had found her living in a one-bedroom apartment in New York City.”

…

“Is this the place?” Jamie has asked me as he pulled up to the parking garage out front. I was finally back at the hotel for the night. I didn’t say anything, I just nodded my head. Jamie pulled into the parking garage to drop me off towards the front of the hotel.

Once we get to the front, Jamie turns off the car. The radio isn’t playing anymore, and we both sit in the car in silence. Jamied sighed before he spoke.

“You want to call Sahim so that he can come and get you?” Jamie asked. I immediately looked at Jamie, angry that he would even bring Sahim up. What did Sahim tell you? What the hell was that suppose to mean?

“I can get to my room by myself,” I spat out, unfastening the seat belt to get out of the car.

“It’s late, and anything can happen in a hotel like this,” Jamie argued, finally looking at me. I can tell he was; the headlights of the car are faced toward a wall and the light hits his face. “You should call him downstairs.”

“Listen, I don’t know what you guys spoke about back at Skylar’s place, but I don’t appreciate you assuming anything about Sahim and I. It’s none of your business.” I spat out at Jamie.

“Is he not your boyfriend now?” Jamie scrunched his eyebrows together. “The way he spoke about you back at Skylar’s place; he very much seemed like you had wedding bells and future children in the works.”

“Are you jealous?” I crossed my arms, trying to change the subject of this narrative.

“Grace, please,” Jamie said, adjusting in his seat. “I have a girlfriend. That would be inappropriate.” To hear Jamie say he has a girlfriend took me off-guard. Why did it make me feel the way that I feel right now? Jamie has the right to move on, Grace. You do too.

“Then maybe you should go home to her,” I said. “She wouldn’t like the fact that you’re sitting in a parking garage with your ex this late at night.”

“She’s not possessive, like my ex,” Jamie spat back. “I was just trying to do the right thing and get you a ride home since it was my fault that your plans were cancelled with your cousin–“

“Let’s set something in stone, Jamie,” I interrupted him, now sitting up with my body completely turned over toward Jamie. “I didn’t need your help tonight. I could’ve took a cab back here, but you wanted to so bad sit me down in a car just so that you had any chance to talk to me.”

“You really think I’m that type of person, Grace?” Jamie asked, angry at my response. I know he wasn’t, but I know that he knows this was going to be the only time he and I would have a chance to talk, yet that chance to do so left when I left New York and California. I began to open the passenger’s side door to get out of the car.

“Good night, Jamie,” I said, walking away from the car.

“Grace, call him,” Jamie shouted from the car. “It’s not safe-“

“Leave me alone!” I turned around, yelling in Jamie’s direction. “I’m not your fucking responsibility!” Jamie quickly gets out from the car, looking over the hood of the car facing me.

“For fuck’s sake, Grace! You’re in a foreign country where you have no fucking clue what could happen to foreigners at night!” Jamie shouted. I turned around, walking toward the doors leading to the front of the hotel. It wasn’t until I got to the front where I see a man yell at me toward the side of the building. I couldn’t understand his Korean; it sound like it was a different dilect than I was used to hearing. He reaked of alcohol, and he began to get closer to me. Fuck.

“Ya,” I hear Jamie’s voice echo through the parking lot. He steps in front of me, talking to the guy in a loud voice toward the Korean man. The man quickly walks away from us, acting as if nothing was happening. Once the guy completely left the area, Jamie turned around to face me. I don’t say anything to him because if I did, I would prove him right: I should have called Sahim downstairs to get me.

“Come on,” Jamie said, walking toward the entrance of the hotel. “What floor are you on?”

“Jamie,” I said, less aggressive than I had since leaving Skylar’s place.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Jamie said. “I’m walking you upstairs whether you like it or not.” I didn’t object; I was actually quite scared to go upstairs on my own after what just happened. Of course, I won’t let him see it. I just sighed, walking up to Jamie as we both entered the hotel together.

…

“This is it,” I finally said as we got up to the 7th floor to my room. I took out my key to open the door and go inside.

“I just want you to be safe while you’re here,” Jamie softly said. I looked back at Jamie before entering my room. He looked tired, but so relieved that I was finally home. His hair was a brown black color, wavy and kempt. He had his glasses on; the pair he used to wear back in New York. He looked as if America never came into his life; like a true Korean living in his country. But then I remember that as long as I’m here, I’m just a reminder that America came into his life, and now it stands in front of this hotel room after almost getting hurt by a drunk, Korean man.

“Thanks for the ride home,” I said, exhausted from tonight’s activities. “Have a good night, Jamie.”

“You too Grace,” Jamie answered. I slowly turned the doorknob to let myself into my hotel room. I turn around once I entered the room. I slowly closed the front door, leaving Jamie behind. In my past. In the dark.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 7: A Voiceless Rant: December 2023 Edition.

liz

You know it’s December when you’re at your office job, bored out of your office mind, writing blog posts for the Twelve Letters of Lizmas.

It’s funny, I feel as if many people (besides those in retail; y’all are going through it right now but those paychecks probably are looking really nice) can agree on this: the holiday season is when most people take their annual leave for the holidays, the college semesters are coming to an end and public schools are getting ready for Christmas break. It’s just a very slow time for all of us here at The Registrar’s Office, so I figured why not kill some time by writing another installment of:

These posts only come once a year, like the holiday season.

I feel like as a society, our minds are constantly on getting through the holidays as smooth and cost-friendly as possible. As I get older, I realize more and more that the smartest way to get through the holiday season is to start your shopping early! Of course, it’s not always easy to put life on pause to get your Christmas shopping together, but as someone who gets paid bi-weekly, it requires a lot of planning on how to spend your money to make it to the next paycheck. For me, I finished my shopping after I decided that I was going to California for my 30th birthday this January. That’s truly been the ultimate task: getting the holiday stuff done while saving for a trip.

I’ve only ever been on a plane once in my life, and that was back in early 2020 to Florida. The only difference was that I went and stayed with a college friend, and it was a solo trip. So while it was my first trip outside of the tri-state area, I didn’t experience the full “travel trip” experience. This time around, I am traveling with another person and staying at a hotel! The actual preparation for this trip feels much different this time around; a big reason being that we’re doing all of this during the holiday season. Like, people actually do this? Book trips and travel during the holiday season? And have to buy gifts and all of that? I’m lucky that I’m just trying to save up for the gist of having to do things for the holiday season.

I feel like this post is going absolutely nowhere, but I feel like I say the same exact thing every time I write one of these rants.

…

Anyway, I’m excited for everything that’s yet to come this next year! In 2024, I will be turning 30, which is a pretty big deal for me. I feel like 29 has prepared me for what is yet to come in the next decade of my life. I don’t know how to explain it, but my 29th year has felt like a more life-altering experience than my previous years. I feel like at 29, I had to unlearn things that I’ve known for most of my life, and I really had to start doing things differently in different aspects of my life.

They say that 29 is your Saturn return, which in a nutshell means it’s a time in your life when you are faced with major challenges that ultimately transform you as a person. To some extent, I believe it.

I believe that the challenges and obstacles I faced earlier this year have helped me learn new ways to handle and practice conflict resolution in ways I normally wouldn’t have done in the past. In a professional setting, I’ve learned that the most efficient way to resolve a conflict is to always follow policy and stick to the facts… it’s only when things get nasty that you move it to a supervisor. Within my new position at the office, I am learning ways to handle conflict in the areas that I manage without the assistance of my boss; it’s just one of those things I want to master not as just a person in this position, but as someone who’s fight or flight response is forever triggered due to social anxiety. In a personal/social setting, I am learning that conflicts are conversations that need to be had, whether or not they are easy ones to have. Avoiding conflict will not make you a happier person, trust me; I’ve done it for years. Speaking up for yourself and knowing that there is potential for it to turn into a conflict or argument is just the process of it all. I’ve learned that when you do that and there’s conflict involved, sometimes you inevitably have to do what’s best for you if boundaries are not being respected and/or crossed.

That’s another thing, never bend your own boundaries. Even more so, you as a person shouldn’t cross your own boundaries! If you tell yourself that one of your boundaries is to give yourself space for some self-care, don’t go and make yourself available when you know you should be taking those self-care hours. If your cup is not filled enough to fill other people’s cups, then don’t try to fill up theirs first. It’s these tiny details in life that really help me learn what healthy boundaries look and feel like. This is always a work in progress, but I’ve definitely have gotten to a place where the outcome has been more positive the more I practice setting boundaries.

There’s still a lot I need to work on, and I think next year will be the year where I actually discipline myself to do things better and think more strategically as an adult needing to make more adult-like decisions. With that being said, I think this year has helped me grow much more than I thought I was going to, and I’m excited to explore life with this new outlook on life.

Okay, it’s nearing 4:30pm; time to get ready to clock out for the day!

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 6: Conflict of Interest: A Mollie Monologue.

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“Serrano,” I teased Aaron as I walked up to him during passing. Aaron smiled, grabbing his books from his locker and closing it.

“Damn, am I in trouble?” Aaron played along, kissing my forehead once I got closer to him. Ugh, the butterflies. He laughed as he tussled my hair; it was one of his favorite things to do.

“Yeah,” I finally said, being more serious. “Why is the vocal part for this new song so fucking high? Are you trying to kill me or something?”

“Mols,” Aaron looked at me. “I made it that high because I know you can hit that high note.”

“It doesn’t mean that it’ll sound good,” I said under my breath, not looking at Aaron. He gently lifted my chin so I could now look at him.

“You are an amazing singer, Mols,” Aaron said. “I’m going to need you to start believing it.” He smiled as he slowly released my face from his hand. “So the Foxtrot Marriott show starts at 7 this Friday and we are the last to perform, as per your request.” I smiled at Aaron’s snarky remark.

“Yeah, only because I literally have a showcase for my sister’s dance academy,” I said, rolling my eyes. I look at Aaron who is waving at a guy that called out his name across the hallway during passing. I always wondered how Aaron got to know everyone in the school already. Aaron was known as if he’s been a student at Waverly for a long time. Maybe that just comes with being a dual major; you know everyone since you do twice the things a normal student would do. Who knows?

“How’s rehearsal for that going?” Aaron asked and finally looked at me. I snap out of thought and look back at him, sighing.

“It’s alright; a lot, but alright,” I said, slightly fibbing the truth. The truth was that Jennifer has been on my case about showing up to rehearsal and not knowing the routine as quickly as I did in the past. In a sense, I feel like this is how the dual majors feel; having to sacrifice one thing over the other when showcases and recitals happen. If it’s not the dance recital, it’s preparation for the Black History Month showcase at Waverly. If it’s not Waverly, it’s shows for Aaron’s band.

The bell rings and the students roaming the halls begin to walk to their classrooms. Aaron grabs his bookbag and throws it on his shoulder. I wish I was able to skip class for the day and just disappear for the day. I don’t; I know Aaron would be sad if I didn’t come to vocal at the end of the day, but I am dreading rehearsal for that.

“I’ll see you in vocal, Mols,” Aaron said, wrapping his free arm around me for a hug. “Remember we have quartets today.” Trust me, I remember.

“See you later, Aaron,” I said back, watching Aaron walk down the hall towards his next class. My smile fades away as soon as he leaves. I turn the other way to walk to my next class, and to my surprise I see Milo still at his locker. I haven’t spoken to Milo since the last time he came over my house and he had left to go and meet up with Sophie. Instead of passing by him and his locker, I take the other staircase and go upstairs to my next class.

…

I hate that I’m one of the first people to get to vocal before class starts. Today wasn’t any different. I walk into the vocal room and see Mr. Kamalani sit at hide desk.

“Good Afternoon, Miss Castro,” Mr. Kamalani said. “Are you ready for today’s quartets?”

“I guess,” I said, placing my bookbag on the floor next to my chair.

“Well,” Mr. Kamalani began to say as he got up from his seat. “I hope that you took the feedback from our last quartets and practiced for today.” He leaned against the piano and looked at me with his arms crossed along his chest. “Is everything okay, Mollie?” Oh boy, not the first name.

“Everything is fine,” I answered, feeling a bit annoyed.

“I understand you have other obligations outside of Waverly,” he continued to hint. “But your school work is just as important as your extracurricular activities.”

“I told Jennifer I’m coming to dance rehearsal today,” I finally said, knowing where this conversation was heading. “You can tell Jennifer to relax.”

“I’m not referring to that,” Mr. Kamalani corrected. “I’m referring to all the time you are spending with Aaron. I don’t want you failing your major class when you are easily one of my best students.” Slowly, my other classmates begin to walk into the room. Mr. Kamalani greets the other students as they walked in.

“Good Afternoon, Mr. Kamalani, Ms. Lee,” he said as Milo walked by the classroom. I looked at Milo has he said goodbye to Sophie at the door. I rolled my eyes, looking away from their weird encounter.

Passing by Milo and Sophie at the door was Aaron. “Good Afternoon, Mr. Serrano,” Mr. Kamalani said.

“What’s up, Mr. Kamalani!” Aaron greeted back. “Time to do these quartets, y’all,” Aaron had said to everyone else in the classroom. I couldn’t help but smile at Aaron’s positive attitude. Let it be Aaron Serrano to piss everyone off yet make me feel at ease after a stressful day.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 5: Liz, My True Best Friend.

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I can remember the names of every best friend I’ve had since I was four years old. I always had a best friend. It was that feeling that the person you told your deepest secrets to, the person that you saw every day and knew every little thing about, was what made having a best friend so fun. Like every best friend, there were fights, falling outs, and everything else that came with having someone in your life that meant that much to you.

When I was younger, I saw my best friends more than just that. They were sisters, they were brothers, and some became crushes at one point. Some of these best friends shaped me as as person growing up, and others taught me life lessons that I still live by to this day. Most, if not all, have taught me one important lesson that I never fully understand until I lost my best friends through disagreements, arguments, or simply just growing apart.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am truly my own best friend.

People say this all the time when we are growing up; at the end of the day, you only have yourself to support, care, and love for once everyone else leaves. The person you spend the most time on this earth is truly yourself, and even though it’s important to have connections with other people, it’s also important to know that your own company is the one that truly matters. Spend your time on good terms with yourself, treat yourself the way that you would treat others. It wasn’t until I went through my twenties figuring this out. I sought out friends to help define who I was and thought that something was wrong with me when I said I didn’t have friends. I thought that my social anxiety disorder was the blame to why I couldn’t make friends, but ironically thought it was to blame when I couldn’t keep friends.

I love my friends when I have them, but I quickly realized that the love I have for my friends need healthy boundaries, something you aren’t taught when you first make friends early on in your life. I love my friends when I have them, but I knew that the love I have for them quickly replaces the love I should be giving myself. So yeah, friendship breakups were ugly, just how romantic ones can be.

When you start focusing on loving yourself, setting the healthy boundaries you need with yourself, and start to see yourself as another human being that is worthy of love too, that’s when you realize that your true best friend is yourself.

When you see yourself as your own best friend, you start to do things that you normally wouldn’t have done for yourself. For me, I started to take myself out more often. I went to more concerts and shows, planned more trips and attended more events without the need of someone else. For me, I do not see these solo adventures as pity; “Why are you doing that by yourself? Don’t you want to bring friends?” Those questions are normal to hear when you say that you’re doing things on your own. For me, I am going out with a friend; me. And sure, you might read this and think it’s pretty pathetic, but no matter what type of person you are, the best and healthiest friendship to have is with yourself.

Compliment yourself. Go out to dinner with yourself. Go to a concert (or two) by yourself. Stick up for yourself the way you would for other human beings you call friends. Show yourself the same love and energy you would for another person you would call your friend. Fuck it, be your own best friend, because it will be the best fucking friend you’ll ever have in life.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 4: Last Black Sheep on Earth: A Micah Monologue.

liz

I’m suppose to be meeting Rosie at the library today to work on this dumb art project, but of course in true Rosie nature, she is late.

It had been weeks since Rosie and I spoke after finding out we were both in the same class this semester. Our professor was getting on our case about not having any ideas on what we wanted to do as a final project, and that was only because Rosie refused to talk to me. Someone had to be the bigger person.

I texted Rosie last night, not realizing that he last time we spoke was right before she came to my house a couple of months ago. That night. Some days I remember that night as if it just happened; other days it feels like it has been an eternity since it did; when Rosie and I were on good terms. At this rate, I don’t think Rosie and I will ever be on good terms like we once were.

Before I type up the text to send to Rosie, I hear a massive engine of a car in the parking lot. I don’t even have to look up to see whose car it was; only the most expensive cars sound that expensive. I hate that Rosie gives me reason time and time again to believe that this was more than just the money at this point; she loved that asshole, no matter how shitty he treated her. Who am I to tell a grown woman what she should do with her life?

The front door of the library opens, and in walks Rosie. She looks around until she sees me, in which her smile quickly turns into annoyance. I rolled my eyes and looked down, back at my notebook. Rosie sat in the seat across from me at the table, slamming her bookbag on the table. I can’t lie, it startled me.

“Yo, you’re carrying bricks in your bag or something?” I said, more annoyed than joking around. Rosie doesn’t answer; she simply just takes out her notebook from her very large bookbag. She slides the bookbag on the floor, which also makes a loud thud sound.

“So, what are we doing for this project?” Rosie asked, changing the subject. “I’m tired of hearing Professor Ramirez asking us for our ideas.”

“You’ve haven’t reached out to me since we were assigned this project,” I mentioned. “How were we supposed to come up with an idea?” I finally looked up at Rosie, taking in her image. She looks like she just rolled out of bed; she probably rolled out of Prescott’s bed, like, 15 minutes ago. Rosie rolled her eyes as a response. She flips her notebook to a blank page, placing a pen in her hand.

“So we should do a modern take on renaissance paintings through photography,” Rosie suggested. “I’m not saying we should reenact paintings and play dress up and shit, but find inspiration through photography that embodies the aura of renaissance paintings.” One thing I can’t take away from Rosie is that she was passionate about art. She was always doodling in the margins of her notebook whenever we would be in class, learning about the history instead of actually doing it. Rosie was smart; brilliant even, when it came to art. She would’ve been a Waverly High student if she lived in New York her teenage years. Maybe so much of her life would’ve been different if she focused on her passion instead of other things. “Does that work?”

“Huh?” I said, notably not paying attention.

“My idea,” Rosie emphasized, clearly annoyed. “Do you want to do something like that for the project?”

“I think that works, ” I said. I genuinely liked the idea; it was different than what I heard our other classmates were planning to do. That’s the thing about Rosie; she was always different, no matter what she wore, did, or acted. She’s not your typical 20-year old girl that is just looking to pass all of her classes and get a degree in four years. She challenged the normalcy of what it was to be a 20-year-old girl in college. She was, in the best way she would describe it, a black sheep.

“Thanks,” Rosie said, closing her notebook. “Nice to know one of us was thinking about ideas.” That’s the thing about Rosie, she also knew how to ruin a perfectly good and stable moment.

“For fuck’s sake, Roe; can’t we just get along for at least 5 minutes of our meeting?” I said, not wanting to deal with her bullshit.

“We did,” Rosie said as she packed her notebook in her bag and got up from her seat. “I explained my project idea to you in 5 minutes.” She looked at me straight in the eyes for a moment. “Do not call me Roe.”

“Whatever, Roe,” I sad, purposely calling her by the nickname I gave her when we were once friends.

“Fuck off, Micah,” Rosie said before turning around to leave the library. I was completely over Rosie at this point. No matter how many times I try to be cordial with this girl, she always wants to pick a fight. If it’s a fight she wants, a fight she will get.

“Not if you were the last black sheep on Earth,” I said, laughing as I got up from my seat. “Go on and run to your boyfriend’s Porsche; every minute on the clock matters, am I right?” Rosie immediately turns around and drops her bag on the floor, causing a scene.

“You’re nothing but a little bitch,” Rosie spat out. “That’s why Kalia keeps making and breaking up with you, she’s probably flew back to Sweden to fuck her co-star after she was tired of faking it.”

“Yeah?” I said out loud, furious at Rosie. “That’s not what you said when we fucked in my room that one night!” Before I knew it, Rosie shoved me so hard, my back hit the chair that was behind me. Immediately, public safety came in to break up the altercation.

“Alright, break it up!” the peace officer said, staying in between Rosie and I. Rosie picked up her bookbag from the floor and ran out of the library.

That’s the thing about Rosie. She will only tell you half of the story and run off once the truth comes out.

Music Reviews, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 3: Top 5 Albums of 2023!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Earlier this year, I decided to document the top 5 albums of 2023 (so far), and was very curious to see if the lineup would change by the time December came along. So, here we are doing just that! It’s interesting to see just how different this final list is compared to one back in July; I feel like my list has gone back to almost all K-Pop music, but let’s save it for the actual list!

So without further ado, these are my top 5 albums of 2023, starting with number five!

5.) Qveen Herby – MUSE

Despite my list changing drastically since first writing it in July, this album still reigns as one of my favorites of the year. For the first half of the year, this album was on repeat and on various Spotify playlists of mine. Like I said in my July post, Qveen Herby was once part of a couple duo back in 2013 called Karmin, best known for their song “Brokenhearted”. She’s been rapping under this persona for a couple of years now, and although I liked some of her previous EPs, this full-length album was really a no-skip album, with songs like “THANK GODDESS,” “5D”, “MARIE ANTOINETTE”, and “DRESS CODE”. She’s super talented and really deserves all the love she gets on social media.

4.) (G)I-DLE – HEAT

This album is straight heat, no pun intended. This album kind of dropped out of the blue, or perhaps I was late to find out about this release. For those who may not know this group, (G)I-DLE is a 5-member (formally 6) K-pop girl group under CUBE Entertainment. They debuted in 2018 and these girls are known to experimenting with different concepts and slaying them effortlessly. These girls are named Miyeon, Minnie, Soyeon, Yuqi, and Shuhua; this girl group has more foreign members than Korean, which is something that wasn’t common in the time that they debuted. Many groups had foreign members in them prior to their debut, but the number of Korean members always outnumbered the foreign members in groups. What also makes this group unique is that Soyeon–the group’s leader, center, and main rapper–writes, composes, and produces all of their Korean comebacks and she never misses. While the group was always high in popularity since debut, the song that really took the group off was their first full-length album, I Never Die, which featured their title track, “Tomboy”, back in 2022. Since then, the girl’s comebacks have all been so different from the last; you truly never know what direction (G)I-DLE will go down. Like this English studio album.

This album very much feels like what y2k artists would put out back in the day. It’s dancey, catchy, and something you would hear at a club in your business casual attire. Their first single off of the album, “I DO”, is a little slow in pace, but it fits with the vocalists’ sound so well and really showcases the different colors that the group has vocal-wise. The second single, “I Want That” is so y2k-club coded; it instantly gets stuck in your head after a few listens. My current favorite song off of the album is “Eyes Roll”, which honestly all these girls ate, but this was Yuqi’s song forreal. Anyway, I hope that these girls do get the recognition internationally (I mean, they already do, but I mean in a mainstream, Top 40 way) because these girls are versatile and can definitely hang in the western music category.

3.) WOODZ – OO-LI

Another album that has survived the list is this masterpiece of an album… but are we surprised since we’re talking about WOODZ? WOODZ, also known as Cho Seungyoun, knows how to make hit, no-skip albums. Fans were ultimately worried when he initially left his old agency, Yuehua Entertainment, after his contract expired and went under EDAM Entertainment, a much smaller agency with only one or two known solo acts (i.e, one being soloist, IU). This album was much different than the previous things he had put out, but he was known for experimenting with different genres when he released new music. OO-LI felt more mature and not so much in the mainstream K-pop realm. While the title track isn’t my favorite off of this particular album (for some reason I never really vibe with them), the B-sides hit so hard. I think my favorite song of 2023 is his b-side called “Drowning”, which I have deemed to be a part of the soundtrack of my life, and that says a lot. In the time I’m writing this, I am actually going to see him live in concert in early December; man, I am ready to sing and cry at the same damn time.

2.) Demi Lovato – REVAMPED

Demi has gone to be one of my top favorite artists since going back to her rock roots in her music, and I’m so glad that she released this album of her old hits and revamped them into rock versions! I don’t care what anyone says, I think it’s a great idea for artists to re-record their older stuff and change it in ways that fits to their current style. Taylor Swift wasn’t the first to do this, but her popularity in the music industry has made re-recording albums a thing in it, so I’m glad Demi decided to put a twist on her older hits and make them “rock versions”, or, “Demi Versions”. The album consists of ten songs from her previous discography: “La La Land” and “Don’t Forget” from her debut album Don’t Forget, “Skyscraper” and “Give Your Heart a Break” from her third studio album Unbroken, “Heart Attack” and “Neon Lights” from her fourth studio album Demi, “Confident” and “Cool for the Summer” from her fifth studio album Confident, and finishing off with “Tell Me You Love Me” and “Sorry Not Sorry” from her sixth studio album Tell Me You Love Me. I would’ve personally loved to hear some revamped versions of songs from her sophomore album Here We Go Again and a revamp of her debut single, “Get Back”, but maybe she’s going to make a part two since this was well received by her fans! Anyway, there’s nothing I can say besides that I’m so glad Demi has reconnected with the sound that she felt was being true to herself, because let’s be honest; this is where she should’ve been throughout her entire career. If you were once a Demi fan during these different eras of her career, definitely give these rock versions a chance as they are all so good.

1.) NewJeans – GET UP

Little fun fact: this was the first album that came to mind when listing my top 5 favorite albums of the year since I knew this was making the list when it first came out. Also, it’s a K-pop album! Although most people might know this group, NewJeans is a five-member girl group under Ador, a sublabel within HYBE; home of groups like BTS, TXT, Le Sserafim, Seventeen, and Fromis_9. These five girls, Minji, Hanni, Danielle, Haerin, and Hyein, debuted in 2022 really out of nowhere since they came into the K-pop scene without any visuals or teasers of the members announcing this new rookie group. Instead, they came out with their first single, “Attention” and then released their first debut mini album shortly after. These girls blew up, as they re-introduced a sound to K-pop that is fresh and nostalgic during a time when girl crush and loud music were popular in K-Pop. While they had a small comeback earlier this year in January, their long-awaited (and anticipated) second mini album was released during the summer and man, the chokehold this album had on me for the entire summer was intense. Every song was so good on their, even the shorter, interlude song, “Get Up”. We were robbed of a real good song with “Get Up” being only 30 seconds. Anyway, they pretty much promoted the entire album on music shows upon it’s release; “NewJeans” and “Super Shy” were pre-release singles up until the album’s release date, and “ETA” being the official title track along with the promotional b-side, “Cool With You”. As much as this group gets a lot of backlash for its choices for music videos and earlier song lyrics not being appropriate for its minor members, these girls have a distinct sound that works for them and I’m curious to see how they reinvent that sound throughout their career as a group.

And that’s pretty much it! I did not think that more K-pop albums would be on my list considering I don’t really identify with my K-Pop self anymore, I guess the albums were just too good to ignore this year. Anyway, I hope that if you guys haven’t yet, give these albums a listen as they are all so good!

I guess we’ll see what we’re vibing with in July 2024 to count down those top 5 albums. Until then, readers!

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 2: Something on the Radio: A Jamie Monologue.

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The thing about white noise is that it can truly come from anything in your surroundings. White noise can be people in the room who keep the conversation going. White noise could be the humming sound of the fluorescent lights in your office when it’s a slow work day. In this case, it’s the radio playing in the car as I drive, playing Korean top hits.

…

Skylar looked upset seeing Shawn as wasted as he was tonight. She nearly dropped everything she was doing and walked over to Shawn, who was being held up by my own arms.

“What the fuck happened?” Skylar yelled out, trying to pick up Shawn’s face. Shawn sees Skylar and smiles wide. His face is more red than pink at this point; it usually means he’s drunk beyond repair. He’s going to feel it tomorrow.

“Babyyyy,” Shawn finally said, looking up at Skylar. “You look so pretty tonight! Gosh, I have the prettiest girlfriend in the world!” Skylar doesn’t say anything back to him, she simply takes Shawn from me and puts in on the sofa in front of us.

“What did you do to Shawn?” Skylar asked as she put him down to sit.

“I didn’t do anything to him,” I answered, feeling defensive. “He’s a grown man.”

“You couldn’t stop him?” Skylar complained, brushing the hair from Shawn’s face with her hands.

“And do what? Take the man’s wallet?” I questioned, growing annoyed that Skylar would put this on me. Both of us look at Shawn, who’s now waving his hand to speak.

“Baby, it’s my fault,” Shawn slurred. “Hyung tried stopping me, but I was in my head and kept drinking until I was out of it.” Skylar turned back around and took a sigh of relief; at least he was coherent enough to have my back. He looked back up to Skylar and smiled. “I just want to be the perfect boyfriend for you, baby.”

“You already are,” Skylar reassured him, holding his red face in the palm of her hands. “But please don’t drink like this ever again.”

I looked over at Grace, sitting at the end chair in the living room watching all of this unfold. I couldn’t help but stare but every now and then I would force myself to look away.

“I’m sorry that the night ended like this,” I said to Skylar. She shook her head before responding back to me.

“Me too,” she finally said, looking over at Grace. “I’m sorry about tonight, I think it would be best if I went ahead and took care of him tonight.”

“Of course,” Grace said as she stood up, gathering her stuff from the closet nearest to me. She never looked at me or said anything to me when she did. “I’ll just take a cab back to my place…”

“I can drive you,” I burst out, not really thinking of the situation properly. I didn’t want Grace to have to take a shady cab in the middle of the night, in a foreign country might I add, without offering. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s fine,” Grace quickly said to me, dismissing the thought.

“It’s late,” I emphasized.

“This isn’t the first time I took a cab late at night,” Grace snapped back, saying it more to Skylar than to me.

“In Korea?” I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.

“Grace, let the man drive you home for fuck’s sake,” Skylar finally said, annoyed at the situation. Grace rolled her eyes and finally turned around to face me. Aigoo.

“Whatever,” Grace said, walking toward the front door. “Have a good night babying Shawn.” She walked past me and out the front door. I looked at Skylar, who simply shook her head.

“I’ll make sure she gets home,” I said.

…

“So,” I finally said out loud to the air as I drove. “How are you liking Ulsan so far?” Grace didn’t answer right away; instead, she sighed loudly, as if talking to me was more of a tedious chore than casual. I can’t keep listening to the music on the radio.

“It’s nice,” Grace said, looking out of the passenger window. I looked at her before looking back at the road.

“Yeah,” I continued the conversation. “Winter in Korea can be both beautiful and brutal. The snow’s always nice to look at, but after the first 5 times of getting snow, it can get tiring.”

“Oh,” Grace simply said. I was growing frustrated that she wasn’t even trying to have a conversation with me. Her cousin and my best friend are on a one-way ticket to a wedding chapel, and at this point, it’s important that we get along for the sake of them.

“Yeah,” I simply said. What else can I bring up to have some sort of communication happening in this already long drive?

“How’s the production going?” I asked, thinking that was a safe option to discuss. Apparently not.

“You know, I don’t really feel like talking,” Grace finally said. “It’s been a long night and I just want to get home.” Grace begins to press different buttons on the dashboard, changing the radio stations one by one. All of them are in Korean, and she grows frustrated. She leaves on one station; a K-pop station. A song from a boy group is playing on the radio.

“The group singing is named Victon,” I started to say. “My niece loves their music. Lia is always comparing me to the main vocalist; she thinks I look like him.” Grace looks over and I think I could see her smirk at my comment. She looks back at the window.

“I remember you said you wanted to be a singer when you were little, ” Grace said. I was surprised that she remembered such a pointless conversation; I even forgot that I told her that.

“Yeah,” I said. “I didn’t know that you needed to know how to sing to actually be a singer.” I chuckled, glad the air wasn’t so dense anymore.

“I mean, it’s common sense, but I get it,” Grace said. I looked at her before looking at the road once more. She doesn’t look that tense in the passenger’s seat anymore. “Both my parents know how to sing and went to the top performing arts high school, yet I sound like a dying cat when I sing.”

“But you’re an amazing dancer,” I said out loud, not really thinking about how it could come off but knew it was the truth.

“So was my mom, and she knew how to sing,” Grace finally turned over to me. I couldn’t help but take a glance at her when she did.

“Yeah, but you were a lawyer,” I mentioned. I didn’t know if I said the right thing, but Grace goes silent when I say it. Aigoo, you just had her talking and you went and messed it up. “I think that beats out any other talent you could possibly have.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Grace said, looking back out the window as we drove in silence. I didn’t know what else to say to Grace, and maybe this is all she is willing to do for the night. It’s better than any song laying on the radio.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 1: Re-Introduction: 2023 Edition!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

While it’s the most wonderful time of the year for most of us, it’s solely my favorite time of year because the holiday season means it’s also Twelve Letters of Lizmas season!

I always enjoy writing these posts for the holidays; not only does it allow me to write blog posts different from my usual content, but it’s also a great way to recap everything that’s happened in the past year. Also, it’s a blog tradition! We started this tradition on the blog way back in 2017; back when the blog was called ‘TNTH”, or “Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline”. Sheesh, remember when the blog was called that? Do any long-time readers remember that? Since then, I’ve always made it my mission to dedicate 12 days out of the month in celebration of the holiday, and the celebration of concluding yet another year. If you would like to read last year’s Lizmas posts, you can read them by clicking here!

Speaking of traditions made here on the blog, every Lizmas we dedicate the first day to a re-introduction of myself. I like updating the introduction each year to not only see what things have changed within the year, but every year I notice the community growing bit and bit, and this allows me the opportunity to introduce myself to those who may not know the writer behind the stories and series on here.

So without further ado, here is my 2023 introduction to everyone who comes across my blog: Hi! My name is Liz!

In 2023, I finally felt one with my body after having weight-loss surgery two years ago. One of my main issues during my weight-loss journey was that there were times when my body did not feel like my own. I fought with body dysmorphia within these last two years and had to constantly remind myself that the body I’m currently in is the same one I had prior to losing all of the weight. I struggled with the belief that my body and I were two different entities that took up separate space. It was a weird ideology that took months to finally break out of, and I think that started to dim away once I found my interest in fashion. I wouldn’t call myself a fashionista, but I find myself getting excited putting outfits together, especially for work. I take pride in my style, and I feel like it’s helped define me as a person and appreciate my body for what it is today. Plus, I always feel great hearing my coworkers compliment my work outfits! Needless to say, 2023 introduced some new interests and hobbies in me that I wouldn’t ever guess I’d have. Which brings me to my next point…

In 2023, I lost a lot of who I once was; whether it was the people in my life or the things I was once interested in. The funny things about going through an entire year and looking back at it is that you look at where you were at the beginning of the year and realize that you never thought the things that you went through during the year would happen. In January 2023, I was very much still into K-Pop. I was still collecting new albums and following what was trending and currently in the K-Pop world’s Top 40 hits. My bedroom walls were still covered in Victon posters and slogans. I was still paying off GOMs for photocards I ordered during Victon’s last comeback the previous year. I still had K-Pop identifying me as a person, just not in the way that it did back in 2020 and 2021.

Also in January 2023, I was very much still into penpal writing. I enjoyed collecting stationery and even journaling in the matching notebooks my friends and I gifted each other for the holiday; if anything was truly identifying me as a person in 2023, it was being a penpal writer. I had 17 penpals at the beginning of the year; I would write letters and prep everything for future letters in advance so that I was able to keep up with the amount of letters that came through the mail. I was going live on Instagram to prep envelopes with other penpal writers in the community, looking up how to become a shop representative for small, stationery shops on Instagram; it was intense, to say the least. But as the year went by, I found my interests changing drastically. I was still listening to K-Pop music, but I had no desire to collect any new albums from groups after Victon’s disbandment in April. I was still writing penpal letters, but I had a hard time rediscovering the love I once had for it after it started to feel more like a part-time job than an actual hobby at some point. In the midst of losing my interest in my hobbies, I also began to lose the people who defined those interests and hobbies in me during the pandemic. In a nutshell, 2023 was a year that required me to do something that I haven’t done since 2020, which was to find my sense of identity once again.

In 2023, I redefined my passion for academia through higher education. When I first graduated with my master’s, I wanted to help college students navigate through their college careers as efficiently and smoothly as possible. It was something that I appreciated my own college advisor back when I was a student; if it wasn’t for my advisor, Jennifer Durando, telling me during my junior year that I would be short 20 credits if I didn’t pick up another minor, I wouldn’t have graduated in time. It was something that I felt needed to change about my college specifically; as faculty and administrators, we needed to communicate with our students better so that didn’t do a disservice to them when it was time for them to graduate. When I got the job at my alumni college Registrar’s Office, I wanted to not only learn how things operated on the administrative side, but I wanted to find ways to advocate for students while following the policies our office enforces.

A couple of months ago, I got promoted to do just that. I now work directly under my boss, learning different things within the area of Historical Records like grade change and repeat policies, investigating special circumstances for students who attended the college before our current record system, and forwarding information to faculty in other departments that might have changed since the last time registration season came around. When graduating grad-school in 2018, I wanted to work in academic advisement to properly advise students on the classes they should take within a semester. I realized that in a way I do just that, but by following policies that we practice within our office. The learning process has made me find love in academia I didn’t think I would love, which is working in higher education administration.

In 2023, I learned that change is inevitable, so you have to learn how to accept it when it happens in your own life. In the past, I always felt this wave of guilt whenever I was going through a time in my life when things were changing. I felt like I was leaving everyone and everything that made me behind when these changes happened, but some of them were truly inevitable and happened without any warning to anyone or anything. At one point, I felt like I was splitting myself into two; one being the person I had known to be within the last two years versus the other being the person I found myself evolving into. After a while, I had to let what was supposed to happen fully happen, and looking back it’s been possibly the biggest lesson I learned not only in 2023 but the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my twenties. I learned this the hard way, but eventually, it’s brought me to a place where I am the happiest, and this is the most authentic version of my current self. Of course, I could be a completely different person this time next year, and that’s okay. Isn’t life about consistent growth as you age?

I am very proud of the person I’ve become this past year; I dealt with the hardships of whatever came my way differently than I did in the past. I didn’t allow it to completely destroy me. I didn’t feel like I was going back to square one with the progress of working on myself. Maybe this is what it feels like to finally mature gracefully into your own.