LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: A Letter to my 20s.

liz

To my twenties—

I wish I celebrated you more when I had the chance. I don’t regret it, but I wish I knew what I know now about what life would be like in your twenties. But I guess that’s the point of being in your twenties: you learn things about life that you didn’t know you needed to learn.

I learned that the past will always be the past, and you have control over what lessons you take from it. I learned that I have embedded traits; the ones where you want to desperately want to change but in the end can really never shake off. I learned that there are always going to be gray areas in things that are back and white, and what works for the next person may not work for you in the long run. I learned that mistakes are inevitable no matter how wise you’ve become.

I learned that these years are meant to be the messy ones: you learn that your circle of friends get smaller and smaller once you’re out of college and into the real world; and speaking of college, you learn that your college education and degrees truly don’t guarantee you a job once you graduate; you get them by utilizing the people you’ve met in these years and networking with others in your field. You learn that your relationship at 21 in a big city will not always look like a relationship at 21 in a small town; you will not be married by the age of 26, which is what I thought will happen prior to entering my twenties.

I learned that it’s okay to not know what your path of life is after leaving college; I learned that you’re not fully an adult at 22 as much as life wants you to be one. Shoot, you’re not truly an adult even after graduating with your masters degree at 24. I learned that you will go through a dozen different versions of yourself, trying each one out like a new pair of clothing and see which one feels the most comfortable in; the most authentic you. I learned that in these years, you are meant to still live life and feel young; something I took for granted in my own 20s thinking I needed to have my life figured out by then. I learned that we are not our parents, nor in their generation, and the things that they did during our age will not look like the things we are doing in ours. It’s okay to be in your 20s and still live at home. It’s okay to not want to have children in those prime years of your 20s if you do not feel fit to be a parent. It’s okay to readmit into college after 25 and who cares if you are taking the same coursework as those just entering their 20s?

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be a late bloomer– whether that be professionally, socially, academically, or spiritually– in your 20s.

I learned that your 20s are meant for constant change. These are the years that you go through different phases in your life, like a full-blown K-pop stan stage from 26 to 28 or a true-crime screenwriter stage from 20 to 22. I learned that these interests will never completely identify you, as you are constantly growing in and out of things through your 20s. I entered my 20s wanting to become a TV screenwriter and now leaving my 20s working as a professional administrator in higher education. Sure, we choose the paths we want to cross during our young adulthood but you learn that you never truly end up where you thought you’d be.

I learned that your life isn’t over when your 20s are. I learned that your 29th year on this earth will be your most influential one; it will test you for what’s to come if you are not prepared for it. I learned that what those people told you throughout your 20s is true about your 30s: you stop looking for validation from other people and other things because you already are in a space where you’re able to validate yourself. You don’t care what other people have to say about you or how they feel about you because you already know how it feels to be your own best friend, enemy, cheerleader, and judge by just getting to live in your skin 24/7. You feel secure in who you are and what you are because you spent the majority of your 20s finding out what that means for you.

I think I will celebrate my 30s knowing that my 20s deserved to be loved and supported in every way possible. I know my 20s spent the first half trying to heal from my teens and that the last half was spent to give everything my teens couldn’t get. I guess my 30s will be just that: celebrating everything that I gained, lost, yearned for, and received in my 20s.

To my twenties— thank you for such a monumental decade of my life.

This is Liz, signing out one last time in my 20s.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

29 Things That Happened/I Learned While Being 29.

liz

Things That Happened:

  1. I rang in the new year coloring my hair to a bright red color and bleaching my eyebrows.
  2. I cut ties with the group of people I was friends with during the pandemic.
  3. I shaved my hair into a buzzcut and dyed it purple.
  4. I took the CUNY full-time exam and passed it.
  5. I went to see NMIXX in concert during their “Nice to MIXX You” U.S Tour.
  6. I spent my summer sunbathing before my shifts at the community pool.
  7. I was promoted from a College Assistant to an Enrollment Coordinator at my job.
  8. I went to a live-taping of The Kelly Clarkson show at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
  9. I attended my first adult Halloween party and went as a 1920’s flapper girl.
  10. I went to see the Jonas Brothers in concert during their “THE TOUR” U.S. Tour; I was randomly selected to upgrade my seat near the stage area near the band and occasionally interacted with a JoBro.
  11. I went to see WOODZ in concert during his “OO-LI AND” World Tour; I was also upgraded to an aisle seat in which during the encore, Seungyoun walked the aisles and I was literally six inches away from him at one point.
  12. I attended my job’s Holiday party this year after having to miss out on last years; I specifically started the electric slide which made everyone get up from their seats and dance.
  13. I booked a flight and a hotel to celebrate my 30th birthday in California for January 2024.
  14. I bought my sibling and I tickets to see Chicago on Broadway in February 2024.

Things I Learned:

  1. It’s okay to push your beauty standards to explore things you normally wouldn’t do.
  2. Sometimes your path in life does not align with those in your life, and it’s okay to go your separate ways if it’s for the better for both parties involved.
  3. Identity crisis is a real thing that can happen at any stage of your life.
  4. It doesn’t hurt to try to better yourself professionally, even if that meant you have to start over at a new place.
  5. Summer concerts are more intense than those you go to in the colder seasons.
  6. Don’t be afraid to do solo activities, even if that means at a public pool.
  7. Hard work always pays off and does not go unnoticed.
  8. Sometimes, you have to say “fuck it!” and try out for things; you never know if you’ll get it!
  9. Anxiety will always be a part of me, but it will never define me as a person or hinder me from doing the things I want to do.
  10. You are deserving to have one-in-a-lifetime experiences; also, I now know why people pay so much money for floor seats at a concert.
  11. Always go after what’s on your bucket list because it’s the most rewarding.
  12. Once again, make the most out of these experiences and don’t be afraid to create the vibe of a party!
  13. Be extravagant for the moments that you’ll talk about in the years to come.
  14. Your brother/sister/sibling is your one true friend in life.
  15. I’ve learned how to set boundaries with myself for the greater good of life.
LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #11: Something About Gwen.

liz

It’s another day for Milo in his Biology class; he purposely rushes to get the seat he’s hoping to get. He gets to the class before his classmates do, taking the seat he wanted. Everyone else begins to walk into the class after him, including Gwen.

Gwen takes her seat alongside Milo. He flashes her a smile in which Gwen awkwardly looks away from.

Ms. Swanson: Good morning, class; today we’re doing study prep for the exam marking the end of the marking period. This test is very important toward your final grade for this marking period, so please take advantage of the time we have today.

Milo takes out his notebook and looks at Gwen.

Milo: Is it okay if we worked together?

Gwen looked up at Milo. She shrugged her shoulders up.

Gwen: Sure, I guess.

Milo smiled as he moved his seat closer to Gwen’s desk, carrying his textbook and notebook in hand. Gwen watches Milo as he does.

Gwen: So, what do you want to cover first?

Milo was shocked that Gwen was being cooperative with him.

Milo: Uhm, let’s start with the anatomy section first.

Gwen nodded her head as she flipped through the pages of her notebook. Her notes were organized by different colors of highlighters. Milo was impressed.

Gwen: So, I think Ms. Swanson is going to start us off with the basics, like the vocabulary and definitions of them.

Milo: *sighs* Of course she would.

Gwen: It’s simple memorization. If you find keywords in the definitions, you’ll be able to figure out the term for it.

Milo: Really?

Gwen nodded her head, flipping through the pages of her notebook.

Gwen: For example, “cranial” has the word “cranium” in it, which is related to the brain. If the definition has either of those two words in it, you’ll be able to figure out by process of elimination the proper definition.

Milo listens to Gwen intently. Occasionally, he’ll take down notes in his notebook. Gwen watches him.

Gwen: You really don’t know what’s going on in class, huh?

Milo: *defensive* Science isn’t my strong suit.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. Milo looks up at her and notices that Gwen looks uncomfortable.

Milo: Sorry, I just… don’t like when people do that to me.

Gwen: No, no; I’m sorry. I shouldn’t had assumed anything.

The table is now silent. Milo takes a deep breath before saying anything.

Milo: I just don’t get it the way Ms. Swanson teaches it. I get that she’s trying to be as informative as possible, but the way she teaches it just sounds a lot more confusing than it already is.

Gwen: It’s understandable. If a certain subject isn’t your strongest, it could be a little bit confusing to understand. For me, it’s band.

Milo: *shocked* Wait, really?

Gwen nods her head before fidgeting with the pen in her hand.

Gwen: Pathetic, isn’t it? To have trouble in your own major?

Milo: Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you can’t have trouble with it.

Gwen’s face softens as she looks up at Milo. This is the first time Milo is actually looking at Gwen straight in the face. He notices her eyes are a unique shade of blue and grey; more like purple.

Milo: If you ever need help with the songs, you can ask me.

Gwen: *dismissive* Oh no, it’s fine. I sort of already get extra help from Nicki; a girl in our strings section. Do you know her?

Milo: *excited* Of course I know Nicki! She’s one of my best friends.

Gwen: She’s really nice to me. But she’s been helping me out, sometimes during our lunch breaks and stuff. But thanks again for offering.

Milo smiles at Gwen. Ms. Swanson is heard asking the class to wrap up their study discussions. The bell rings, officially ending the class for the day. Milo quickly snaps back to reality, getting my books packed into his book bag. A moment later, he hears Gwen call his name.

Gwen: Hey, Milo?

Milo: Yeah?

Gwen: I apologize for all that dual major talk I gave you the other day. Most of the dual majors I’ve come across seem to all be the same.

Milo: True. *reassuring* Not me though.

Gwen smiles at Milo’s response. He smiles back at her. There’s something about Gwen that simply intrigues him.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

A Black Sheep Scorned: A Micah Monologue.

liz

This gig was important to Tanner and Dani, as this was the first time Dani was performing alongside her boyfriend and her best friend; me. For years, we tried to start a band, but with school and being the girlfriend of an up-and-coming actress, our plans never really took off. It wasn’t until after Kalia broke up with me last year that I finally said, “let’s fucking do this!” Not knowing something else was now occupying my mind.

A black sheep named Rosie Delgado.

I snapped out of my thought when I hear Dani yell my name out. I looked up and I wasn’t surprised that Dani looked pissed as fuck.

“Dude, you’re playing the wrong track,” Dani complained.

“Sorry, sorry,” I said, queueing the right track. Dani turned back around to face the microphone in the studio space. I play the song, in which Dani starts to sing as Tanner plays the guitar. Tanner and I met in high school; we were both in the same band class. I was actually the one that introduced Dani to Tanner during our senior year of high school, and the rest is history. I hate to admit it, but they are good for each other. If only love came that easy for me.

I stopped the track midway, which made both Dani and Tanner turn around.

“Tan, tune your guitar a bit; that last one before the chorus is a little off,” I said. Tanner went to sit down and tune the strings on his guitar, and Dani began to walk toward my direction, close to the DJ booth.

“How were you able to hear that with your mind clearly on something else?” Dani asked. I rolled my eyes, looking back down at my laptop.

“You fail to realize this is literally all I do,” I said. “Also, I’m fine.”

“Mhm,” Dani said. “How’s everything going with Kalia?” I looked up at Dani, knowing she knows exactly what’s going on with Kalia.

“She’s fine,” I said nonchalantly. “She’s starting a press tour for the movie she’s in.”

“Oh,” Dani added. “So I guess you’re going to see her while she’s on her New York stop of her tour?” Dani knows all the right buttons to push.

“If she visits, then sure,” I said with a tight mouth. I didn’t want her knowing that she was getting me mad. Thankfully, Tanner walked toward us to tell us that he was ready. Dani slowly walked away from the booth, back to start the rehearsal again. Thank God.

…

Rosie had left before I woke up the night after we hooked up. Ugh, I hate calling it that. I thought that maybe she had moved to the living room to sleep or something. She wasn’t anywhere to be found. I had tried calling her phone to see if maybe she went back home or something. She didn’t pick up.

“C’mon, Roe,” I said to the phone as her voicemail began to play. I hung up the phone, worried about Rosie’s whereabouts. I was upset that she would just leave and not tell me where she was going. I was hurt that she literally hit it and quit it.

I walked out of my room to hear the keys unlock the door of the apartment. Of course, my folks came at the perfect time: when the house is a mess from yesterday night, and when I’m panicking trying to get in touch with Rosie.

“Micah?” I hear my mom call out. I walked into the living room area, trying to play it cool.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, leaning on the kitchen counter. Reagan and Dylan entered the house behind my mom, walking straight towards their room. “How’d it go?”

“Dylan had fun, Reagan was a different story,” my mom said, taking off her coat to hang it up.

“Where’s dad?”

“He went to your brother’s to help him with a project,” she said, finally taking a look at the house. “Micah, why does this house look like this?” I looked around, nervous she was going to spot something before I did.

“Sorry, I was gonna start cleaning before you guys got home,” I said, looking at the time on the stove. It’s 2pm. “I guess I thought it was earlier than it really was.”

“Please clean this place up before I start dinner later,” she said, walking to the bathroom. I began to pick up the clothes from the floor until I instantly remembered. “Salem Micah Kamalani!”

Fuck. The ashtray.

…

“I have to get going,” I said, unplugging the equipment from the speaker. Both Dani and Tanner turned around.

“What? We just started,” Dani mentioned.

“I told y’all; my mom has been on my ass,” I said as I closed my laptop. “I was even lucky she let me do something other than chores.”

“Dude, you know you’re almost 21; how the fuck are you getting grounded?”

“When she finds the fucking ashtray on the bathroom floor,” I said, annoyed at Dani. I packed my things up and started to leave the studio space. “I’ll see you guys on campus.” I walked out of the space and didn’t look back at them. The truth of the matter is that it was more than just the ashtray. Yeah, she had found the ashtray and she had a fit about it. What truly sent her over the edge was the fact that she had found the condom wrapper on her bedside. The one I used when Rosie and I hooked up.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, The "Something" Series: Season 3

It’s Something to Leave Out the Story: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t stop yawning the next morning. It was brutal since this was our final rehearsal before we had constant shows coming up in the next week. The choreography became second nature to me at this point. Every time the music would play, it’s like every dancer immediately dances the routines due to the muscle memory.

As I begin lacing up my pointe shoes, I see another set of torn up pointe shoes in front of me. I looked up to see it was Aimee.

“Girl, you need to get another pair of pointe shoes,” I teased.

“Girl, you need to keep your eyes on your own damn pointe shoes,” Aimee snapped back, laughing as she sat in the ground next to me. “These bad boys make me dance better than I normally would.”

“I bet,” I said, smiling as I tied my own points shoes. I did a big yawn afterwards, and of course, Aimee had to say something.

“Damn, you didn’t sleep last night?” Aimee asked. “You know we had an early rehearsal today.”

“I got home late last night from my cousin’s place,” I said, finishing up with a tight knot. “She and her boyfriend are leaving for Seoul today, so I wanted to see her before she did.”

“Weren’t you supposed to stay over or something?” Aimee asked once again. “At least that’s what Sahim said yesterday.”

“You spoke to Sahim?” I asked. It sort of took me by surprise that Aimee would go to Sahim to ask about me.

“Yeah,” Aimee said. “I was trying to see if you wanted to come to my room and hang out with me and Maurice, but when I knocked and I didn’t get an answer, I assumed you were with Sahim for the night.” I shook my head and laughed; Aimee always thought I was with Sahim.

“Well,” I began to say. Before I was able to say anything else, Aimee shot her head up and got closer to me, waiting to hear some gossip. “He did come with me last night.”

“Oh?” Aimee simply responded. “Introducing him to family now?”

“It’s not even like that,” I dismissed quickly. “He was my ride there technically.”

“So wait,” Aimee said as she readjusted herself. “He was your ride, but he was back at the hotel before you apparently.” I looked up at Aimee, not really knowing what to say. I didn’t want her finding out the truth; that Jamie was the one that dropped me off last night.

“My cousin drove me on her way to the airport,” I said, hoping it was convincing enough. It wasn’t long after that I see Sahim walking into the rehearsal space with a cup of coffee in hand, toward Aimee and I.

“Good morning, ladies,” Sahim greeted as he walked closer to us. “Grace,” Sahim said as he handed me the cup of coffee.

“What am I; a ghost?” Aimee said to Sahim. “Where’s my coffee?”

“Still at the cafe,” Sahim teased. Aimee rolled her eyes and started to get up from the ground.

“Well I guess I’m going to get me a damn coffee myself,” Aimee said as she walked away from us. I looked up at Sahim as he sat on the ground next to me.

“You should’ve gotten Aimee one,” I began to say. “Now I’m going to have to hear her all throughout rehearsal now.”

“Well tell her the next one will be on me then,” Sahim concluded. “Heard you got in late last night.”

“Is that why you got me coffee today?” I asked, taking a sip from the coffee. Sahim has been bringing me coffee long enough to know how I perfectly like it. It was the littlest things that made me smile.

“I always get you coffee,” Sahim said. “Today, there’s a shot of expresso.” I take a sip of the coffee and immediately taste the shot. Sahim laughs at the face I make after drinking it.

“Well, that’ll most definitely wake me up,” I said. I looked up at Sahim and smiled. “How’d you know I got in late last night?”

“Oh,” Sahim simply started to say. “Aimee was looking for you yesterday. I told her you were at Skylar’s.” I was a little confused. Did he see me come in with Jamie last night? Is he not telling me? I immediately put the coffee down on the floor beside me, getting ready to get up from the ground.

“I should start heading to the stage,” I said, trying to not show any conflicting emotion on my face. I didn’t want Sahim to think he said or did anything wrong; he didn’t. I did, letting Jamie drive me back to my hotel just hours after Sahim met the guy.

“You got this, tiny dancer,” Sahim simply said, taking the coffee from the ground. He smiled before walking away. This time, his smile kills me in more ways bad than good.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

Where Was I in 2014?

liz

To say that 2014 was ten years ago is truly baffling to me. Like, why does 2014 feels like it was only just a few years ago? It’s crazy, I am feeling nostalgic, and here’s this year’s installment of:

Where the hell was Liz this time 10 years ago?

In 2014, I was officially leaving my teenage years behind to now enter the next decade of my life: my twenties. I can’t lie; I feel like I was excited to leave my teenage years behind me. Up to this point, the last couple of years were rough for me, whether that was the transition from high-school to college or trying my best to heal from the trauma that still affected me at that point. I was ready to go into this new stage of my life, even if I had no idea where or what I wanted to go in the long-run.

I didn’t do much for my birthday this year since it fell on a weekday and, well, I was an unemployed college student currently in between semesters. Speaking of which; I was a sophomore in college that just finished the Fall semester and boy, it was a hard semester. I still had a couple of general education classes I needed to take before I was able to begin taking all my major coursework. Let’s just say that I was a pretty average student, but this one Biology class was my first and only D grade I ever received. By the time the Spring semester started, I was now traveling to and from my college 5 days a week. Ironically, it was one my favorite semesters I had as I vividly remember spending my breaks in between classes at the library watching Criminal Minds on Netflix every Friday afternoon. I was also wrapping up all of the gen ed requirements I needed and started to take the writing courses needed for my English Writing concentration degree.

My first writing class was “Craft of Creative Writing”, which was basically just an overview of the four genres of writing that my college taught and specialized in. We all sat in a circle, having to write for different prompts in different styles of writing. I remember this being one of the very first times I shared my story about the trauma I carried from high school. I wrote a short narrative piece in the point of view of that girl that lived through that trauma day-by-day, hour-by-hour. After sharing my piece, it was nice to have a group of writers to talk to about the piece but to also hear some of them say “you don’t have to carry that on you anymore. You took responsibility of that situation and that’s all you can do. Don’t punish yourself for something that you should be forgiving yourself for.” I think that was one of the first few moments where I truly began to finally heal from that part of my life, although it would be years after this moment that I finally let it go and let it live in the past.

In addition to that, I also got into screenwriting! After being heavily a part of the fandom for the true-crime drama, The Killing, I had found an appreciation for creative writing in a way that I hadn’t thought about before, which was character development. I can go on and on about how much I loved Sarah Linden and Stephen Holder as characters of this damn show, but to keep it short and simple: 2014 was when the last season of The Killing aired exclusively on Netflix and I wanted to write the way that Veena Sud wrote these characters! I knew I wanted my first tattoo to be something related to the show in the long-run, so when the series finale gave us the infamous “home was us” line that Linden tells Holder, I just knew that was it.

2014 Liz also had long hair for the first time since having to cut it short after bleach damage in 2012. I rocked the trendy ombre look for most of the year until I finally caved in and became a blonde; this time being on the more natural looking side. I can’t lie, I totally miss those long hair days, and I hope that one day in the future I’m able to get my hair to be that long again, but it took a lot of patience and hair care to even get my hair healthy looking again. I guess I’ll tell you how that went when we come back next year to talk about Liz in 2015…

And just to take you back in time, here were some of the things that I remember happening in 2014:

  • Ariana Grande was taken the music industry by storm in preparation on her sophomore album, My Everything.
  • “First things first, I’m the realest” was the one thing everyone was singing and/or saying it every chance they had.
  • Kylie Jenner was deemed as the “it girl” with her teal color dip-dyed bob haircut and liquid lipstick makeup.
  • Grunge-pastel was a thing. It was inspired by Tumblr. Yes, everyone at this point had one to reblog six gifs and dumb aesthetic looking photos.
  • Boy and girl groups were becoming popular once more after the success of One Direction. Fifth Harmony was a product of that popularity in the music industry.
  • The biggest movie blockbuster to come out this year was Disney’s Frozen.
  • Barack Obama was two years into his second term as the President of the United States.
  • Becoming a YouTube creator was everyone’s aspiration, whether it was in gaming, lifestyle, or in makeup.

Sheesh, I still can’t believe it’s been ten years already.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

Time Stops For Us: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

It was cold on this particular afternoon. It had rained the night before and the freezing temperatures made the ground slippery and slick as it turned into black ice. The bus I would normally take to Milo’s wasn’t running due to the ice, so I had to take the train. The train wasn’t that bad on a weekend; I didn’t tell Milo that took the train though since he’s always worrying about the bad things happening underground in the subway stations. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but the subways in the UK were either for traveling long distances. It was nice to take a train that took you two stops and boom, you were where you needed to be.

I walked up Milo’s block and immediately felt this sense of comfort. I liked hanging out with Milo, especially now that we were in the same band class and had tons of pieces to rehearse for these days. I also never feel like playing the violin sucks as the rest of the ensemble believes. Milo always made me feel like it was cool playing in the strings orchestra; I always liked seeing his smile as our section had separate rehearsals outside of the overall ensemble. I haven’t had anyone really support my violin playing since my dad was still here.

“Hey, Scout!” I hear Milo call out. I looked over towards his house and saw him outside on the steps, waving at me. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Why are you outside? It’s freezing,” I said as I walked closer to Milo’s place.

“I was cleaning the steps for my family,” Milo said, putting the shovel aside. “Sucks being the oldest.”

“I can imagine,” I laughed, following Milo back up toward the front door of this house. “Are your parents home?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Milo quickly said before opening the front door. We entered the hallway of Milo’s house and immediately took a left towards the door leading to the studio. I always found it so cool that Milo’s family had a studio inside their house. I know it’s technically Jennifer’s home dance studio, as Milo has told me, but from what I understand it’s now more of a rehearsal space for Milo and his dad. Upon entering the studio space, I see Milo’s drum set in the corner of the room.

“That’s such a pretty set,” I mentioned, walking towards the drums. MIlo followed behind me.

“Pretty is such a weird way to describe drums, Scout,” Milo teased. I looked back at him and scrunched my nose, disagreeing with him. Milo laughed at my reaction before he said anything else. “But thank you, it’s a pretty old set.”

“Was it your dad’s?” I asked, walking around the set to look at it closer.

“Nah,” Milo answered, grabbing the drumsticks from the msuic stand. “My dad got them for me as a graduation gift. They’re cool.” He walks toward me and hands me the drumsticks in his hand. I was confused at what was happening.

“What are you doing?” I asked, nervous at Milo’s intention. He smiles and grabs my hand, guiding me towards the seat behind the drum set. “Wait, wait; Milo I-“

“I’m gonna show you how to play a simple measure,” Milo finally admitted, standing next to me behind the drum set.

“Milo, I don’t know how to play the drums,” I said as I looked at Milo.

“I know,” he said. “That’s why I’m going to show you.” He placed the drumsticks into my hands before he held onto my wrists. “So you would count down this piece by simply hitting the top of the drum like this.” He softly guided my hand as he played the first beat of the piece.

“Okay, that’s not that bad,” I said, calming down.

“You say that now,” Milo teased. “Until you hear this being the drumline of the piece we’re learning.” With my hands still on the drumsticks, Milo takes my wrists one more and plays the drumline of the song. It’s fast and it’s technical, but so insane to think that during band class, this is what Milo is playing. Every beat of the drum felt like it was traveling through my body; it was liberating. It wasn’t long after that Milo stopped guiding my arms. It quickly took me out of the trance I was currently in.

“That was amazing!” I said to Milo, nearly freaking out over the adrenaline I was feeling. “I can only imagine how it feels when you play during an actual performance.”

“It’s easily one of the best feelings in the world,” Milo explained. We switched positions; he is now sitting behind the drum set as I walked towards the front of it. “It’s why I prefer to play the drums more than any other instrument. The more passion you have while playing, the better the sound is. I feel like I’m dancing along to the music rather than playing it during a performance.” Sometimes, I take a glance over at Milo during a performance and see just that: him feeling the music rather than just playing it like the rest of us. I can tell just how much this means to him; being able to play music is something that Milo seems to always look forward to. I don’t blame him; he looks the happiest whenver he plays.

“It must be fun in the percussion section, huh?” I asked, intrigued by his conversation.

“Yeah, when it’s just me,” Milo said in a snarky way. I forget that Aaron is also in the percussion section. Shoot, sometimes i forget he’s eeven in our band class due to the amount of absences he currently has. “It would be even more fun if your section was near ours.”

“Something tells me I wouldn’t get much work done if that was the case,” I joked, tasseling Milo’s hair. His face immediately turned red, which makes my face suddenly feel hot as well. “Should we begin rehearsing?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Milo said, clearing his throat. I sit in the chair directly across from Milo’s drum set. I took out my violin from its case and began to set my posture up. I placed the violin on my shoulder and leaned against the instrument on the chin rest. When I didn’t hear Milo say anything, I looked up at him. To my surprise, he’s sitting there just looking at me.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, placing the violin back donw on my lap.

“Yeah,” Milo answered. “You turn into a different person when you have your violin in your hand.” He smirked at me. “It’s interesting to see so close up.” Once again, my face feels immensely hot.

“Thanks,” I laughed as I began to put the violin back up in position. “Shall we begin?”

“We shall,” Milo said, counting us both into the piece.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: 2024.

liz

January 1st feels just like the number 0. It feels like the start space on a board game. It feels like midnight, but in military time; 00:00. January 1st, no matter what day it lands on, will always feel like an unofficial reset. This year, it falls on a Monday.

A weekend of self-reflection and celebration has passed. The last weekend of 2023 has come and gone, and here we are starting a new week. Yes, technically Sunday would make it a new week, but we count that as the end of the week since it’s a part of the weekend.

January 1st, 2024. The reset button. The “thank God the year officially ended” feeling. The “I hope 2024 treats me well” resolution.

The “1994 babies, it’s your time to say hello to 30!” talks with those that either are 30 or are turning 30 in the coming years.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am a 1994 baby; 8 days away from being 30.

January 1st is more than just another reset to another year; it’s the start of a new decade of life. Experiences. Goals, aspirations, plans to see 40 in the next decade of life. The decade that takes everything you learned in your 20s and now practice those life lessons in your 30s. The decade where you might get married, have kids, attend other people’s weddings and baby showers and kid birthday parties. The decade where you understand your parents a bit more, as they were once your age figuring it all out just like you.

It’s truly the decade where you don’t give a shit; you’ve spent so much of your time doing so in your 20s and it never ends up being worth it. It’s the decade that you start not only living for yourself, but you start living as yourself; no façade, no persona, it’s just you.

And I think I’m excited for just that. Pushing the reset button to start a new decade in life. To live this Monday and see it as a fresh start, leaving last week in the past year. Standing at the “start” space on a board game of life. Looking at the clock strike midnight and think, “I have another 24 hours to get it right.”

January 1st, 2024. The first page of the first chapter in many chapters to come.

Happy New Year, blog readers. ♥️

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 12: A Reflection of 2023.

liz

My first therapy session of the new year was all about how I measure my growth and success with years. “I find it fascinating how you use years as markers of your growth. It’s something I’ve noticed about you over the years.” I remember expressing my concerns for this year specifically. I remember telling her that I was afraid that this year would become the year that I would lose all the progress I’d made in the previous years. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle this next stage of life, worrying about more adult-like problems and learning how to solve them on my own. I was already getting bad ideas about what my 29th year would be like. “It all goes downhill when you turn 29, especially since you’ll be in Saturn’s return. That shit will break you, that’s for sure.”

In a way, I was right about what I said to my therapist. Those around me were right about your 29th year breaking you down. What I failed to realize (and didn’t expect) was that this year would’ve been my most transformative yet.

2023 was my transformation year.

I began the year feeling experimental in a way. I wanted to test the limits of my appearance and break my own boundaries of what beauty should look like. I went from having a dark auburn hair color to a bright red, and on top of that, I bleached my eyebrows. It was different, but it had become a staple and it represented who I was entering this year. I celebrated my birthday in good company, whether it was at work or earlier that day or back at home with my family or on a video chat with my closest friends. The year had begun on a good note, but what the rest of the winter months had in store for me was something I wasn’t ready or prepared for—

But can you truly prepare yourself for something you never saw coming? Not even the most pessimistic person can.

Life quickly reminded me that it’s nice to wear rose-tinted glasses and see the world as something I conquered at the very young age of 29. I had begun seeing true colors come out in scenarios I was too blind to see. I had begun to not trust anything anyone told me after losing trust in those I trusted with my life just days apart from each other. I went to work one Tuesday afternoon and cried in my boss’ office, asking if I could have an hour to have an emergency therapy session in the break room with my therapist. I had felt the most exposed since, well since I felt this same exact way back in high school when it happened. I was scared. I thought all the progress I had made in the last couple of years was now disappearing.

I had to step back from a lot of things that made me who I was: hobbies, interests, and the people I had cherished in my life.

Slowly, I was losing my identity and desperately was looking for a new one. Nothing that I had loved for the last couple of years felt right to me anymore, and I was slowly unable to use those interests and hobbies to escape reality anymore; not even when I felt like I was going into survival mode.

I thought cutting my hair and bleaching it to purple, then pink, then blonde would help start the process of rediscovering myself once again. For the next couple of months, I was left questioning what was truly right for me and how I was supposed to go back to a space where I felt like myself again. Newsflash: it wasn’t something I realized on one random day.

I questioned everything and everyone in my life at this point. I wanted to run away and start over like I did in the past. I felt like I was taking so many steps back from the progress I’ve made, and something just switched in me this summer.

I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to heal in a way I could never have done before. I wanted to gain control back in my life. I wanted to be gentle with myself as I was starting this new journey of finding myself again. What does Liz look like at the end of her twenties? What does she want to leave behind and what lessons does she want to take with her? Who is Liz at this very moment, after being completely stripped from whom she thought she knew about herself?

I decided to start doing things for myself without feeling guilty of putting myself first. I decided to go on solo adventures without feeling like I was a loser for doing so. I decided to set boundaries with not only the people in my life, but I learned how to set boundaries with myself too. I had to learn that I was not always the victim in bad situations; I was also responsible for any outcomes of these situations. I learned that my toxic traits deserved the same treatment as I gave those who were toxic for me, and I think that’s the big takeaway in the progress I’ve made this year; even more so, the transformation I’ve had this year.

I am not perfect, I am not a saint, and I am not “the main character”. I am a person who is capable of making mistakes, being the reason that others are feeling hurt and that I am nothing special (in a realistic way).

2023 had taught me that I always had what I wanted, to be quite honest. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and support myself in the ways I would for other people I’ve had as best friends. I’ve learned that Meg, my sibling, has been my one true friend all of these years despite us being two different people with two different lifestyles and interests. I’ve learned that trust is built by backing up your words with action; say what you mean and mean what you say, as I was once taught all those years ago. I’ve learned that with hard work, passion, and a new direction professionally, good things will come your way and that hard work does not go unnoticed.

For me, I was hired full-time at my job after a year and a half of being a part-time College Assistant. I am now salaried with benefits and protected by a union, and in a position where (finally) my master’s degree came into play to qualify me for this position. I love my job, and I am so grateful that in the year that I’ve known my boss, she has seen longevity and potential in me to be in such a higher position. I am grateful for coworkers like Christine who create space for me to unapologetically be myself. I am grateful for all of the wonderful women (and two men, who really make my job easy and collaborative; in a way, we are all a work family.

I’ve truly transformed into the best version of myself, and yes I know I say that tons of times, but this time feels different. I feel like everything that I endured and learned this year specifically is preparing me for the next decade of my life. This time last year, I was terrified of turning 29 solely because I felt like I was not ready to enter my 30s. This year, I feel so ready and excited to enter this next milestone in my life! 2023 has made me so excited to see what the future has in store for me: with a 30th birthday vacation happening next month, a sibling’s day out to see Chicago on Broadway in February, and potentially working towards going back to school in 2025 to get my doctoral degree.

Thank you, 2023, for being the year of transformation and redemption. It’s one that I’ll never forget in my journey.

Happy Holidays, blog readers! ♥️

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 11: Heard Through the Grapevine: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t help but continue looking at Mollie’s Instagram stories every time her profile picture lit up. Mollie was never the time to post a lot on there; she mainly had the app just to watch videos and occasionally post a picture here and there of some dance competition she won. Lately, her Instagram page went from her in dance costumes to her holding a microphone in her hand, standing in front of a band with instruments in the back.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that Mollie was now a part of Aaron’s so-called band. She would post videos of the venues she was performing at, or behind-the-scene photos of her and Aaron backstage of a show. I guess it hurt me more knowing the fact that Mollie didn’t tell me she was in a band now; I had to find out on Instagram as if I was just another random person following her online.

An incoming call stopped all of the videos that were playing for a slight second; in a way, I’m relieved that it snapped me back to reality and not completely sucked into my phone. I picked up the phone and leaned back against my bed. “Hey, Scout.”

“Hey, Milo,” Sophie greeted me. “Whatcha up to?”

“Nothing,” I said, looking up at my ceiling. “Just hanging out in my room. How about you?”

“Same,” Sophie answered. “My mum went grocery shopping so I’m just waiting for her to come back.” I nodded as if Sophie could see me. “I should be practicing for the show next week, but I’m just so lazy.”

“You have time, Scout,” I reassured her, smiling over the phone. “I mean, I haven’t practiced since our last rehearsal either, so we’re on the same boat.”

“Yeah, but you’re a dual major,” Sophie mentioned. “You were born to be great.” I shook my head at Sophie’s comment; sometimes I felt like she thought I was better than her in terms of talent because of my dual major status, but the truth be told is that she’s much more skilled than me. She can actually read music and play music by positioning her hands differently on a set strings. She never gives herself credit for the hard work and true talent she has.

“Even the greatest make mistakes at times,” I said. I could hear Sophie roll her eyes over the phone. “But good thing we’re only playing one song; it’s the songs for vocal that are killing me.”

“I would’ve thought that vocal would be easy,” Sophie commented. I rolled my eyes; not necessarily toward Sophie but more about the belief that vocal was the easier major. It made me feel like vocal should be easy, and it was far from it.

“You forget who the vocal teacher is,” I said. It was true; my dad made vocal class more like boot camp than an actual class at times. If it wasn’t the constant quartet quizzes, it was learning new songs every other week for a performance. “I feel like he’s always on my case about a missing note or a sharp pitch or something stupid like that.”

“He just wants the best for you,” Sophie reassured. “He knows you’re capable of doing great things as a dual major.”

“I guess,” I dismissed, trying to change the subject. “Do you want to come to the studio to rehearse the piece for the show? I can ask my dad if you can come tomorrow to practice.”

“Are you sure?” Sophie asked. “It’s okay if we went to a park or something to practice.”

“Scout, it’s the middle of winter,” I noted. “It’s totally okay for you to come over to practice.” I felt Sophie’s shift through the phone, and I get it; the last time Sophie was here, my dad had caught us in the house without an adult, which freaked her out since. I just wanted to hang out with someone that actually wanted to hang out with me.

“Okay,” Sophie caved in. “Only if it okay with your dad.” I smiled through the phone. I was excited to practice with Sophie. I always felt like the music connected us as friends even more, and it was something that I always looked forward to whenever we got the chance… whenever I had the chance.

It wasn’t much after that I heard my dad and Jennifer loudly talk in the hallway, walking back and forth across my bedroom door. Jennifer seemed annoyed, and my dad sound like he was trying to calm her down.

“Babe, she’s probably just out with her friends,” I heard my dad say. “She’s a teenager, this is what they do.”

“I’m sick of it, Milo!” I heard Jennifer yell out. “Like my mom expects Mollie to be at dance rehearsals after school; what the fuck am I suppose to tell her when she realizes she’s been a no-show or weeks?” Mollie? Why are they talking about Mollie?

“Hey Scout, I have to go,” I said to Sophie over the phone. “I’m gonna ask my dad about practicing tomorrow and text you when I get an answer.”

“Of course,” Sophie said. “I’ll text you.” The phone line disconnected shortly after. I threw my phone on the bed and walked towards my bedroom door to listen to the conversation outside.

“I get that you’re trying to be a good sister and have her back, but she’s also one of your dancers. Mollie made an obligation to go to rehearsals and participate in the academy.” I heard my dad talk to Jennifer. Mollie isn’t going to dance rehearsal? It kind of made me a little mad in a way. Dance was Mollie’s favorite thing to do in the world; she would constantly talk about going to dance practice after school and how she couldn’t miss one of them. I know this has all to do with her hanging out with Aaron these days; how could she let a guy get between her and her passion? What was she truly getting out of it being his groupie for his band?

“I’m just sick and tired of her not telling any one of us the truth,” Jennifer started to say. “What do I tell my mom when it’s time for a recital and Mollie is out there not knowing what to do? She’s going to first ask me where the hell she’s been if she hasn’t been in rehearsal.” I cracked open my bedroom door just a tiny bit so that I was able to hear the conversation better. “Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl.”

“Like I said, she’s a teenager,” my dad said. I poked my head outside of my bedroom door and saw my dad putting his arms around Jennifer. “We were once teenagers, we did stupid shit and never told our parents.”

“I’m her sister, not her parent though,” Jennifer corrected. “I just wish she would come to me and talk to me. For fuck’s sake, if it’s a boy then fine, I get it but—“

A loud thud is heard, and I immediately looked down to see my phone had fallen out of my pocket. I quickly picked it up, looking back up to see Jennifer and my dad look at me now.

“Everything okay, Milo?” My dad asked. I walk out of my bedroom, pretending to just walk out and not know what was going on.

“Yeah, just gonna go get a bottle of water,” I said, walking into the kitchen to grab a bottle. I don’t look at Jennifer in the eyes; I didn’t want her knowing what I knew about Mollie’s whereabouts. Of course, that doesn’t stop her from asking.

“Have you spoken to Mollie by any chance?” Jennifer asked me. I turned around as I closed the refrigerator door.

“No, why?” I asked, playing dumb. I looked over at my dad who’s looking at me now. I know he knows.

“Just asking, since you both are best friends,” Jennifer mentioned. I cringed at the word “best friend”. We haven’t been that for the longest time now.

“Yeah, no; I haven’t spoke to to her recently,” I said, looking back at my dad. His eyes don’t come off of me, which is making feel like I need to jump out of my skin. “I’m gonna go downstairs and practice for a bit.” I walked out of the living room area; each step away from my dad is one step closer to relief. He knows I know. He knows something is going on. He’s heard through the grapevine about Mollie for sure.