The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

No Ifs, Ands, or Buts: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

“You’re ready to learn the drums?” I hear Milo call out from down the hall. I shook my head and smiled; Milo would always remember everything he had his mind set on.

“I’m not playing the drums,” I answered, folding my arms across my chest. “We have to rehearse; the show is too close to be messing around.”

“We have time to have some fun,” Milo insisted, opening one of the rehearsal rooms in the West Wing. Most people tend to reserve rehearsal space during lunch period a lot these days; it seems like when there’s a show of some sort coming up, all the rooms are reserved.

“One drum solo isn’t going to hurt,” Milo teased, finally reaching up to me. “You already have the piece memorized and perfected; what more do you need to rehearse?” I rolled my eyes, listening to Milo talk. For someone who focuses on two majors at once, he was always so laid back about rehearsal time. Sure, he knew his music, but I felt like he didn’t take it as serious as I did. Milo doesn’t have to constantly prove himself and his talents; his status already does that. For me, I needed to constantly prove myself being in the section that was looked as a major joke at Waverly High.

“You can’t hurt getting more practice,” I simply said, walking into the rehearsal space. Milo walked in after me, setting his bookbag down on the ground and sitting on the chair next to it. I looked at him, wondering why he’s acting so… relaxed. “Are you going to practice?”

“I’m so over this piece,” Milo sighed as he said. “I just wanted to hang out with you, help you if you need it.” I scrunched my eyebrows, feeling a little bothered at Milo’s attitude.

“I’m fine,” I answered, taking out my violin from its case. I was glad that Milo had his dual major status back, but something definitely changed in Milo when he did. He still did his work and would go to all of the rehearsals needed, but the way he would act when in those rehearsals felt as if he was better than everyone else.

“Do you need me to count you into your section?” Milo asked. I looked at him, visibly looking annoyed at the situation. He definitely took notice of it. “What?”

“I said I’m fine, Milo,” I snapped back, looking down at my sheet music and placing the violin on my shoulder. I hear Milo sigh and get up from his seat.

“I really just wanted to hang out with you, Scout,” Milo admitted. “Like yeah, we hang out, but we only ever rehearse and practice for class and… I just don’t feel like doing that today.” Before I can say anything back, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I take it out quickly to see it’s my mum. I ignore the call to look back at Milo.

“Milo, we can literally be written up if we’re casually hanging out in a rehearsal room,” I began to say. “Just because you’re not in the mood to practice for the show, doesn’t mean I have that same luxury.”

“Luxury?” Milo reacted. “You think I have a luxury?” Once again, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket; it’s my mum once again calling me during school hours. I ignore it, putting the phone back in my pocket.

“Whether or not you practice, your dual major status has its privileges,” I said, upset now. “You’re not in the joker section of band class, so you don’t know how it feels to never feel like to be in my shoes.”

“Are you really listening to what Serrano said?” Milo said, laughing after asking the question. “Since when do you listen to anything that douchebag says?” My phone vibrates in my pocket once more; this time I actually picked up.

“Mum, I’m literally in school right now, what are you–“

“Ya,” my mother said, stern. “I’m in the main office. I’m taking you home.” I scrunched my eyebrows together.

“What? Mum I have a very important rehearsal today for the show, I–“

“I’m taking you home; no if’s, and’s, or but’s,” she said before hanging up. I looked at Milo; he looks more worried now than before. I began to pack my stuff up, which then made Milo start asking a million questions.

“You’re leaving? Why is your mom here?” I don’t answer Milo. I began to shove things in my bag to get out of the room faster. “Sophie?” I don’t answer him; all I can think about is why my mom is pulling me out of school all of sudden. So many things were circulating on my mind and I didn’t have time to be bothered with Milo.

I walked out of the rehearsal room; Milo quickly followed me, walking fast behind me to try to reach me.

“Sophie? Sophie?” I hear Milo continuously say behind me. You don’t have time for this, Sophie. I entered the main office in hopes that he’d get the memo and leave, but I turned around and looked at him opening the door to the main office.

“Milo, what are you–” I began to whisper at Milo, but it wasn’t log that my mother called me out by name; my Korean name.

“Soojin,” my mom said as she got up from her seat. “We have to go.” She spoke to me in Korean, which is something she only ever does when something serious is happening. It’s like she didn’t want the rest of the world to know of her issues, or hear the panic in her voice when she speaks.

“What happened?” I asked back, in Korean to keep the secrecy. My mom doesn’t answer me back, she looks over my shoulder, realizing she is looking at Milo.

“Leave,” my mom said to Milo. I quickly turned around to look at Milo; he looked terrified. He swallowed hard, but he didn’t move.

“Mrs. Lee, is Sophie–“

“Leave,” my mom said louder now, clearly getting angry. I looked back at my mom now, trying to understand what was even going on.

“Mom?” I said; it was all I could say. She grabbed her things and grabbed my hand, escorting me out of the main office, walking past Milo. “Mom! Mom!”

I turned back around to look at Milo. I wanted nothing more than for him to comfort me in this moment.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: How I “Faked It ‘Til I Made It” in Society’s Standards.

liz

POV: It’s the mid-to-late 2000’s and you’re entering your teenage years. Hormones are at their highest, and your perspective on love is based off of teen-romance movies and TV shows where everything almost works out for the girl who crushes on the guy… because he is also crushing on her back.

But what you don’t realize is that you’re an overweight teenager, and most (if not all) of these movies and TV shows are about people who are attractive to society standards. The fat girl or guy was always the sidekick, the best friend, the one who didn’t need a man or woman because media could not (and would not) depict a fat person falling in love with someone that didn’t screw them over or pity them as a joke.

So, you grow up thinking that no one can possibly like you for how you look or if they do like you, only like you because it’s some bet or prank they are playing; you know, like they do in those movies. All the boys you ever liked were always into skinny girls, or “socially acceptable plus-size” girls; if you had a hanging stomach and somewhat of a double chin, you did not qualify to be liked by other people in a romantic aspect.

As you get older, you learn that there are people that do like bigger girls; weight was just a number on a scale to some people and truly liked people for who they were as people on the inside. But now it’s too late; you grew up in the generation that taught us that fat people were incapable of finding love without their crush having interior motives, or having fetishes of being with a fat person. Of course, there is always a side of this insecurity with every body type, but for the sake of my experience, this is about what dating and love and relationships look like from a fat girl’s perspective.

Even when you found someone who loves your body for what it is and even when you start accepting yourself in the body you carry, you still feel this desire to have a body that looks socially acceptable. You wanted to know how it felt like to casually go out shopping in a store and find something “plus sized” that actually fits your plus-sized body. You wanted to know how it felt to follow the trends but literally couldn’t because everything that was your size was either out of style or meant for middle-aged women. At the end of the day, you just wanted to feel like your body was accepted, desired, and seen.

I was over 300 pounds going into gastric bypass surgery back in 2021 and did it to feel physically better. Of course, losing weight made me feel better mentally too, but as the months (and years) passed by, I began to question if the body I had now was even “good enough”. For awhile, I experienced some sort of body dysmorphia and not completely feeling like my body was even my own to claim and accept. In some instances, I began to compare my body now and the body I once has, comparing the differences in it.

“When you were bigger, you had a bigger butt and bigger boobs; something that you were once confident about. Now, your body sags from the excess skin, you’re flat-chested, and your butt is small.”

Such great self-love talk, huh?

I had to learn (and accept) that as a society, we aren’t ever going to feel like we’re good enough, yet alone enough. Growing up in the generation where being super skinny was in and celebrities were constantly encouraging viewers to join weight loss programs, it’s hard to feel like we have our place in society, even if it has more of a progressive perspective. Also, as a person who’s been fat her entire life, its hard to unlearn these ideologies about appearance and vanity.

So, the only thing you can do is fake it until you make it.

“Faking it Until You Make It” has always been one of those things that you were told to do in order to get to places you wanted to be. It didn’t mean that you had to fake who you were and the authenticity you have; you simply needed to act like you have the confidence to take on the tasks at hand. For example, your job. Maybe you lack the social skills to work in retail, but to get through the day meant you had to put on your “retail” voice and use the knowledge you have about your job to successfully interact with customers. In society, you have to act like you have the confidence in your style, personality, and appearance in order to feel accepted within society’s standards. You have to act like you are the shit, and you have to tell yourself that there is no one else just like you in the universe because you have style, personality and an appearance that is uniquely yours. Once you feel like you are bending the standards society has set, you stop caring about what other people think of you and you start to not engage in negative self-talk as much as you used to.

This mindset doesn’t come easy, and there are still days that I feel like I was “prettier” when I was bigger. Being one thing for the majority of your life, it’s hard to not compare the last couple of years where I lost all this weight and be mentally confident in my image. This mindset challenged the things I believed me and the type of behaviors I indulged in because of my mental health; I legit had to treat my toxic traits like an external person, handling it the way I would with external beings. That’s a different story for a different day.

POV: You’re now in your 30’s, learning to love yourself in the ways you should have when you were younger, and because of that, you make it your life’s mission to nurture the various young versions of yourself, because you know that all versions of you deserve to have felt loved even when society told you you were not worthy of it.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Black Sheep & Company: A Rosie Monologue.

liz

“So, where are we going?” I finally asked Micah as we continued to walk down the street, passing block after block. I was starting to feel the cold and feeling dumb wearing this dress outside.

“Somewhere that we could go inside and warm up,” Micah answered, looking straight ahead as we walked. He looked at me when we got to the end of the street, waiting for the light to change. “Are you in a hurry to go back to that event?” I quickly shook my head; I didn’t want to be anywhere near that snobby ass event.

“I’ve done enough socializing with stuck-up, rich people for the day,” I answered. Micah nodded his head; I felt like he understood it best when it came to sitting in an event you had no business sitting in.

“You wanna come hang out with me?” Micah asked. “Of course, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I know we aren’t the best of friends.” I rolled my eyes since I knew Micah wasn’t being completely serious when he said that.

“I guess,” I answered. “It’s my next best option, huh?” I laughed as Micah pouted. He did end up laughing right after. “So, where are we going?”

“To Dani and Tanner’s place,” Micah said. “You’ve met them before, right?”

“I haven’t,” I said, although it was somewhat of a lie. I had briefly met them months ago at Micah’s gig at the Oxygen Lounge… even though they didn’t know who I was or who I was there to see that night. Micah looked shocked.

“You’ll like them,” Micah reassured me. “They’re chill and–“

“Dani’s been your best friend since birth,” I finished his sentence. “I know of them.” Micah seemed a little shy, which made me feel a little shitty for correcting him like that.

“Sorry,” Micah blurted out. “Sometimes, I forget things I’ve said to people and shit. I just assume people don’t listen the first time around.” I was surprised that Micah felt that way; he carried the confidence that seemed like people listened. I wouldn’t have thought Micah was insecure with something like that.

…

Micah walks ahead of me when going up the flights of stairs in his friends’ apartment building. The building wasn’t the greatest, but it also was a decent place for a college couple to be living in. At least there’s no RA on your ass about fucking, huh? Micah stops at one of the doors at the end of the hall and knocks on it. Music can be heard playing inside of the apartment. A few minutes later, the guy opens the door, in which he gives Micah a fist pound upon entering.

“Hey man,” the guy, who I’m assuming is Tanner, says to Micah. We both enter the small apartment in which Micah begins dancing and singing along with the girl, who I’m assuming is Dani. They look like they’ve known each other since birth seeing how comfortable they are with each other. Tanner closes the door behind us and walks into the living room area. Micah tuns around and looks at me, probably realizing I was there with him.

“This is my friend, Rosie,” Micah introduced me to his friends. “She also goes to the college.”

“Nice to meet you,” Dani and Tanner said at the same time. Very much a couple thing to do. I can tell they kept looking at the fancy fucking dress I had on, which made this first time meeting Micah’s friends very awkward.

“Nice to meet you guys as well,” I bean to say before brushing down my dress. “I escaped my cousin’s Sweet 16, which explains me being this goofy ass dress.” Dani and Tanner laugh.

“I remember my sweet 16 like it was yesterday,” Dani said, now looking at Micah. “We were so stupid thinking that we were the shit at that age.”

“We still think we’re the shit at 20 though,” Micah added on. I’m glad the lie was believable enough to even bypass the real explanation. Micah looked relieved once I said it.

“So, what are you studying?” Tanner asked, sitting on the sofa next to Dani.

“Art,” I answered, sitting down in the seat next to Micah. “Well, education to become an art teacher of some sort.”

“That’s dope,” Dani added. “So you’re an artist?” I nodded my head. For some odd reason, I felt more intimidated talking to Dani than I am to Tanner; probably because of her status with Micah was more like family than friends.

“I paint and draw when I get the chance,” I explained. Dani nodded her head and got up from her seat, walking to the kitchen.

“You guys want a drink or something before we start rehearsal?” Dani shouted from the kitchen. “Rosie, you’re more than welcome to get a drink too.” I looked at Micah, a bit confused in what she meant by that. Don’t musicians drink water at rehearsal or something? Micah starts talking out a little bag of weed from his pocket, placing his phone on a lap in order to roll up.

“I’m good for now; thank you though,” I answered back.

“Rosie’s a smoker,” Micah added. I nudged him on the shoulder as he laughed. “She likes to get high like me.”

“Coincidentally, I only smoke when you’re around, so perhaps you’re just a horrible influence,” I spat back. Micah nodded his head as Tanner ‘oh-ed’ at my comeback.

“Touche, Roe,” Micah teased.

“Smoking is horrible for you anyways,” Dani chimed in. “Like how are you a musician but you smoke weed, on top of that cigarettes?” I looked at Micah, learning of the news. I didn’t know he smoked cigarettes.

“That’s because I’m not a singer, smart ass,” Micah said to Dani. She rolled her eyes and put two shot glasses in front of Micah and I. She then gives one to Tanner before sitting down.

“So this is what we’re gonna do tonight,” Dani started to say before holding up her shot glass. Micah and Tanner do the same, so it was only right that I do it with them as well… despite telling Dani I was alright. “We’re going to go over the two songs for the show next week; Micah, I need you to stay focus on the mixer–“

“The fuck you mean–” Micah said before Dani interrupted him.

“I said what I said,” Dani said in a stern tone. “Tanner, I’m gonna need that guitar to be in tune before we start rehearsal, so get it together, babe.” Dani raised her glass even higher; we all follow her along. “Let’s have fun, rock this rehearsal out, and enjoy the rest of the night.” Before I knew it, they began to chug their glasses; I immediately followed through too. I winced once the alcohol hit the bac of my throat; I wasn’t used to taking strong shots like this.

“Let’s fucking go!” Micah shouted, getting up from his seat and getting his mixer out of his bag. Dani and Tanner begin to set up for the rehearsal; I felt kind of stupid for being the only one sitting down.

“You gotta tell us the truth, Rosie,” Dani turned around and said to me. “If we sound fucked, tell us. Sometimes these two are too up their own asses to realize they aren’t perfect-” Both Tanner and Micah start to whine and complain, which makes me laugh. Micah rolls his eyes and puts his headphones on while Dani and Tanner get ready to rehearse.

The first song starts and they all seem to get really professional out of nowhere. Dani has a soft singing voice, but her strongest feature is the way she still sounds feminine as she raps. Tanner looks like your typical guitarist although has a more mellow approach to it. Micah turns into a completely different person when he performs, so I wasn’t surprised that he was any different in rehearsal. I knew people Like Micah existed in the world; the ones that throw their whole life into their passion without looking back. What set Micah aside from the others was that he was good at balancing his passion with who he was as a person. He still managed to go to class every day and still got good grades. He managed to still have a personality outside of his passion and never acted different when it came to working with other people. Sure, as a person Micah would sometimes get under my skin, but i have not met someone like Micah ever in my life and that’s saying a lot considered many people have came and left my life for the last 20 years. That’s what scares me the most.

During their rehearsal, I see my phone screen lighting up, buzzing as if someone was calling me. I looked down and see that it’s one of Prescott’s unsaved numbers. He’s probably wondering where am I.

Who cares? I swiped the phone left, ignoring his calls, accepting the havoc to come about it when I see him again.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #14: What’s your ETA?

liz

The last school bell of the day rings, and Milo runs out of the vocal classroom. He runs up the stairs and heads towards the exit doors of the school. He looks back, hoping his friends are not behind him, looking to see where he went. He walks further and further away from the exit, ultimately deciding to hang out behind a tree. Milo takes out his Sidekick cell phone from his pocket and flips it open to check AIM. He doesn’t see Gwen online. He looks around the area one more time to see if he sees Gwen. Suddenly, his cell phone buzzes off.

Gwen: What’s your ETA?

Milo scrunches his nose, confused in Gwen’s choice of words.

Milo: uhm… now? i’m behind the tree out front.

Milo looks up from his phone once he sends the message. He sees Gwen exiting the school, looking around for Milo. Milo comes out from under the tree and waves his hand.

Milo: *waves* Gwen!

Gwen notices Milo and begins to walk in his direction. She’s carrying her violin case on one shoulder, and her backpack on the other. She finally reaches up to Milo, in which she immediately drops her bag on the grass.

Gwen: Why are you behind this tree?

Milo: *nervous* I didn’t want to get in the way with everyone coming out of class.

Gwen nods her head, ultimately believing in Milo’s story. Milo quickly clears his throat.

Milo: So, you want to rehearse in one of the rehearsal studios downtown?

Gwen: There’s studios we can go to?

Milo nods.

Milo: They’re free for Waverly students; how do you think we all get our work done?

Gwen: *laughs* I guess you got me there.

Milo smiles as he and Gwen continue to walk down the street, towards the bus stop.

Gwen: Do you live around here?

Milo: Oh, no. I live in Brooklyn.

Gwen: *shocked* You travel all the way from Brooklyn to go to school? Why not go to a school closer to where you live?

Milo and Gwen stop in front of the bus stop, standing near the sign.

Milo: Because it’s Waverly High, the top school of performing arts between the 5 boroughs. Do you live near the school?

Gwen: Sort of. I live near the Brooklyn Bridge.

Milo: *teases* Why not go to a school closer to where you live?

Gwen: *deadpans* Ha ha. *teases back* Because it’s Waverly High, the top school of performing arts between the 5 boroughs.

Milo laughs out loud, surprised that Gwen was witty and funny like this.

Milo: Was Waverly your first choice?

Gwen: Actually, it was a STEM school in Midtown. I wanted to study biochemistry, but the placement exam was nearly impossible to pass.

Milo: Now that’s saying a lot since you’re, like, a genius in Biology.

The bus finally reaches the bus stop, in which Milo lets Gwen get on the bus first. Once they board the bus, it drives towards uptown.

Shortly after, Milo and Gwen get off of the bus and walk down the street. Gwen breaks the ice.

Gwen: How did you get into the dual major program?

Milo looks at her, thinking about what to say. They make it to the studio space before Milo gets the chance to answer Gwen back. Both teens enter the lobby of the space; Milo walks directly to the front desk.

Front Desk Man: Nice seeing you again, Milo.

Milo gives a hand pound to the front desk man.

Milo: Another month, another assignment to practice for.

The front desk man laughs and looks over at Gwen. Milo looks at him, then to Gwen.

Milo: This is Gwen, one of my bandmates.

Front desk man: Oh! *to Gwen* Are you new to the band?

Gwen looks at the man, confused. Milo clears his throat before speaking.

Milo: Oh, my band class in school.

The front desk man nods his head, now understanding. He hands Milo one of the passes to a rehearsal studio room.

Front desk man: Have a good rehearsal, you two.

The two teens thank the front desk man and walk away, towards their studio room for the afternoon. Milo opens the door and lets Gwen walk into the space first; he then follows behind her.

Gwen: It seems like you’re well known in this place.

Milo: *shy* Yeah… I really only practice in this space.

As Milo begins to set up, Gwen stands there, watching him.

Gwen: Are you also in a band?

Milo: Yeah, band class–

Gwen: *crosses her arms* I meant an extracurricular activity band.

Milo: Oh! Uhm… I am.

Gwen’s eyebrows cock up, surprised.

Gwen: That sounds exciting. Do you do both vocal and guitar playing?

Milo: Just lead guitar. We have a lead singer, a bassist, and a drummer.

Milo places a seat and music stand in front of Gwen before returning to where his case is. He sits down and looks at Gwen.

Milo: We have a show next weekend if you want to come and see us perform.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back; instead, she takes her violin out of her case, followed by her music. Milo begins to do the same.

Milo: *clears throat* So, what piece are you having difficult with?

Gwen: The Bellisima No. 27 in C Minor…

Milo flips through his sheet music, then looks at Gwen’s sheet music.

Milo: So this piece just starts off with a little vibration from the bow…

Milo buts his bow against his violin and plays the starting note. Gwen listens on.

Milo: The placement of your fingers matter when you play that first note because it’s in the minor key.

Milo places Gwen’s fingers on the correct string on her violin; Gwen watches on, but nothing is said afterwards/ Milo immediately takes his hand away, showing Gwen where to place her fingers by demonstrating on his violin.

Milo: Like this.

Gwen plays the starting note, which Milo nods excitingly.

Milo: Exactly!

Gwen smiles and continues to play the piece. Milo watches on, correcting her if she makes any mistakes while playing it. To Milo’s surprise, she plays the rest of the piece without any hiccups. Once Gwen is finished, Milo claps his hands.

Milo: That was great! It didn’t seem like you had any trouble with this piece.

Gwen: *shy* Thanks… It’s really that first note that messes me up, and I would hate to be that sour note in the class that doesn’t catch on with everyone else, y’know?

Milo: I understand. *smiles* You’re still pretty good though, probably one of the best in our section.

Gwen: No, that title is yours.

Milo blushes, he’s caught off-guard with Gwen’s compliment.

Milo: Thanks.

Nothing is said between them, the only sound in the room is Milo’s ringtone going off every two seconds. Milo grabs his phone from his bag and flips it open.

Pep: What’s your ETA, dude? Band practice started like 20 minutes ago.

Milo: *under his breath* Fuck.

Milo begins to frantically pack his stuff; Gwen looks at him, confused.

Gwen: Is everything okay?

Milo: Uhm, yeah… I just lost track of time and have to get going…

Gwen: Oh… okay…

Milo packs his stuff and puts his bookbag on, running towards the door.

Milo: *shouts* I’ll see you in school!

Closing the door behind him, Gwen stands in the middle of the room. The smile she once had on her face has vanished.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

A Dual Major Girl: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

Today, I decided to go to the lunch room to grab lunch instead of going to a rehearsal room to practice the choreography from my dance academy. Jennifer has had me working overtime in the studio learning this dance for this showcase; I didn’t realize that the time of year for Jennifer’s annual open house showcase was here. I feel like I had at least a couple of months before that showcase performance. On top of that, Mr. Kamalani had us doing some after-school rehearsals for the show coming up. I felt like I had no time to actually sit down and enjoy some down time.

I sat at the table I would normally sit at lunch whenever I went; usually, Milo and I would sit together and talk about anything that we could possibly think of. I sometimes miss those days. Sometimes, I wish I had my best friend back; the one that made sure we always hanged out at lunch and after school. I don’t remember the last time I even spoke to Milo outside of being at some stupid family gathering.

I see everyone sitting with their friends at different lunch tables, which reminds me why I don’t come here in the first place. I threw out my lunch tray and walked out of the lunchroom.

I figured I’d practice this dance routine before rehearsal tonight; I was tired of Jennifer constantly outing me in the rehearsal because I was one or two steps behind everyone else. I put my headphones on and begin to play the music to the dance. I immediately begin to dance and allow the music to take over my body. For someone that hasn’t been in rehearsals regularly, I was able to memorize the dance really quick. As soon as I engulf myself into the dance and music, I hear a knock on the door through my headphones. I jump up, looking towards the door. I sighed when I realize that it was Aaron looking into the small window of the door. Gosh, how much did he see?

I opened the door for Aaron but he doesn’t say or do anything. I felt nervous, and quite sick to my stomach after dancing on a full stomach of lunch food.

“Everything alright?” I quietly asked. Aaron still didn’t say anything, but he walked into the rehearsal room and closed the door behind him. “Aaron?”

“Mols,” Aaron finally said, still looking as if he was shocked. “You can dance?” Fuck. He did see me.

“How much did you see?” I asked, hoping he says only a little bit.

“I was going to sit with you at lunch until you walked out,” Aaron began to explain. “I saw you came into the rehearsal room and that you just started dancing. I didn’t want to disturb you, or even stop you.” He smiles before he continues with his thought. “I didn’t know you could dance like that.”

“Dance like what?” I asked, beginning to feel a bit exposed and overwhelmed at the attention.

“Dance better than the actual dance majors at Waverly,” he answered. “Seriously, why didn’t you tell me you could dance?”

“It never came up,” I said, turning off my headphones and placing them back in my bag. “Dance is something I do outside of school. I don’t like doing it other than on my own timing.”

“Why didn’t you apply for the dual major program? You would’ve would’ve been the best of the best at Waverly.”

“I didn’t want to,” I said, not wanting to go into detail about this anymore. “I chose vocal.” Aaron sits me down on the bench against the wall.

“I’m not saying that you aren’t a good vocalist; you know I think you’re the best, but what I just saw you do just now… it was completely different than what you do in vocal.” I look at Aaron, taking in everything that he’s telling me. It meant a lot that Aaron thought I was a good dancer and that he was being genuine about it. Aaron’s opinion mattered to me, not because of how I felt about him, but he was also very talented himself… and of course because I liked him.

“How long have you been dancing?” Aaron asked.

“Since I was very little,” I said, loosing up a bit now. “I danced before I sang, that’s the crazy part.”

“So, why did you pick vocal as your major?” He kept questioning me. I know Aaron is trying to understand the situation as much as most people try to. I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth to them; instead I would lie and say that I like to sing more than dance. My knowledge of vocal is what really saves my ass; I at least know what I’m talking about and know what I’m doing. Thank that to Milo.

“The truth?” I started to say, facing Aaron on the bench now. “I couldn’t afford the program. The dance program is the one program that costs the most to be in because of the constant competitions and costume changing.”

“Did you audition for the program at least?”

“I auditioned for both vocal and dance,” I admitted. “I got accepted into both.” No one knows that; not even Milo.

“Wait, what?” Aaron reacted, shocked by the news. “You were gonna be in the dual major program, but—“

“Couldn’t afford it,” I finished Aaron’s sentence. “So, I settled with vocal. I hate putting it like that, but it’s the truth. Like I love vocal, but—“

“Your heart is in dance,” Aaron was now the one finishing my sentences. I simply nodded, confirming the fact. Aaron sighed, readjusting in his seat. “Sorry for forcing you in the band. I didn’t know you had your heart set on something else.”

“Are you kidding me?” I quickly said. “I love being in the band. It’s different and—I don’t know—I have so much fun being free like that.” Aaron smiled at me; it has to be the biggest one I’ve seen on his face.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Aaron said. He leans in and gently kisses my forehead. “So do I have the pleasure in seeing your dance routine in full?” I smiled sweetly at him, tilting my head as I tasseled his hair with my hand.

“Of course; at the showcase next week,” I teased Aaron. Aaron playfully rolled his eyes as I laughed out loud. Thank you for saving me from my own thoughts.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something I’m Not Willing to See Change About You: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

I have to admit something.

Something possessed me one Sunday night to go to Grace’s show again. The night I left my mom’s house I felt uneasy. I was driving along the road back toward the city, thinking about the night I first saw her dance. The first time was coincidental; I didn’t mean to go to her show. I didn’t know that out of all of the shows playing in Korea, I would end up going to her show. The initial shock of seeing her the first time made me realize that I didn’t remember the entirety of the show. This time, I wanted to actually see the show.

Before the venue doors opened, all of today’s viewers stood in the lobby, grabbing drinks and talking among each other. I wish that I wasn’t here in secret, maybe then I’d be more inclined to enjoy the night.

…

“Are you gonna miss me when I make it big in the dance industry?” Grace playfully asked, grabbing a French fry off of my plate.

“What do you mean ‘miss’,” I started to answer. “I’m going to be at every show when you do.”

“You’re willing to watch the same show 100 times, over and over again? That’s boring,” Grace scoffed.

“I am willing to watch you dance all 100 of those times,” I said, smiling at Grace. Her face gets red, blushing before she’s able to say anything back.

“Well,” Grace started to say as she twirled the straw of her drink. “Dreams are meant to be dreams.”

“Not for you, though,” I reassured Grace. “You’re resilient, and that’s something I’m not willing to see change about you.”

…

The show begins and I vaguely remember how it opened. Every dancer is immensely talented yet they all effortlessly work well with each other to create art on stage. I didn’t appreciate the craft until Grace introduced me to it, showing me the different style of dance and even some of her own home videos from when she was younger. I appreciate the technicality behind each dance step. It wasn’t a shock that she was so articulate as a lawyer; she was born articulated and detail oriented.

Shortly after, Grace comes out for her solo. She’s confident now; she has mastered the dance after doing it for quite some time now. She’s more animated now, telling more of the story through her body and facial expressions. She frowns and smiles and closes her eyes all in the right places; it’s like it’s a completely new dance. Once her solo was over, she got the reaction from the crowd like it was the first night all over again: standing ovation and cheering. I do the exact same.

After the show, everyone starts to exit the theater. I tried to leave as soon as the show ended’ I didn’t want to take the risk of being seen by Grace or anyone else near the venue. I was almost out of the clear until my phone began to ring. I took my phone out of my pocket and see that it’s Kevin calling.

“yeoboseyo?” I answered.

“Hyung,” Kevin responded. “JooAh and I just got into town, we’ll be at your place in about an hour.”

“It’s okay,” I said, looking around the theater. “I’m currently running errands, but I’ll be home before you guys get there…I’ll see you then.” I hung up the phone after saying bye to Kevin, quickly putting the phone in my pocket. I’m almost out of the venue, but to my surprise I hear my name being called. Fuck.

I slowly turned around and see Sahim waving his hand. As a reflex, I waved back, but fully processing the fact that Sahim was the one that recognized me and called out my name. I didn’t realize just how involved he was in the show, I didn’t realize just how much time he and Grace had spent between rehearsals and off-days from the production.

Sahim began walking up to me, in which I throw on the most fake smile I can think of.

“Hey man,” Sahim greeted me, giving me a hand pound. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

“Yeah,” I began to say, trying to come up with a convincing lie to tell. “Shawn had recommended that my girlfriend and I see the show… she’s in the bathroom right now.”

“Ahhhh, really? Did you like the show?” Sahim asked.

“It was great,” I politely said. “All of the dancers were amazing on stage.”

“Yeah, they all worked really hard to be here,” Sahim agreed before placing his hand on my shoulder. “If you and your girlfriend would like to grab dinner with Grace and I, you totally can.” I immediately shook my head, not because Haram actually wasn’t with me tonight, but he had just invited my girlfriend and I to a double date with him and my ex-girlfriend. I felt the bile rise up my throat.

“No, no, it’s okay,” I quickly said, trying to change the subject. “My girlfriend and I are meeting up with our friends, so…”

“Of course, man,” Sahim said, patting the spot on my shoulder that he was previously touching. “I’m glad you enjoyed the show.” I nodded my head and said goodbye to Sahim. I quickly headed for the exit, hoping Sahim wasn’t looking in my direction. I took a look back to see if he was; thankfully he was already talking to someone else. I walked out the exit.

…

“You’re okay, JooAh?” Haram asked, pouring hot water into a mug with a tea bag for her.

“Yes, thank you,” JooAh answered, slightly bowing out of respect. Kevin walks into the kitchen area with a purse in his hand; JooAh’s I’m assuming. He hands it over to his very pregnant girlfriend and kisses her on the forehead.

“Sorry for the scare,” JooAh began to say. “Sometimes the flare ups are worse than others.” Kevin has told me that JooAh’s pregnancy has been rough for the both of them; it’s the reason why we don’t get to see them as much anymore. I’m glad that when we do, we’re able to just go with what comes at us, and I’m glad Haram is able to help out.

“Why don’t we go into the living room and catch up,” Haram said to JooAh. “Let the men catch up in the kitchen.” JooAh nodded her head and got up from her seat. Haram helps her get into the living room as Kevin watches. Once the women are out of the room, Kevin lets out a deep sigh.

“Everything okay, Kevin?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he simply said, now looking at me. “It’s been a roller coaster for us these last couple of months.” I nodded, letting Kevin talk. “How about you? Have you seen Shawn yet?”

“Yeah,” I said. “He and Skylar left for Seoul a couple of weeks ago.”

“He introduced her to his family?”

“Yeah, and from what he excitedly said, his family likes her a lot,” I smiled as I said. “I’m happy for him; he deserves it.” Kevin didn’t say anything back; I have been the moderator between Shawn and Kevin for the last couple of months, ever since we left California last summer. Although they both have been in really good places in their relationships, they still haven’t spoken to each other. “I think he’s going to propose to Skylar while they’re here.

“Mwo?” Kevin asked, shocked. “So soon?”

“You know Shawn,” I began to say. “Shawn is going to do things the way Shawn does them.

“Despite what he may think about me, I can say that Skylar is good for him,” Kevin admitted.

“I agree,” I said, taking a deep breath. Kevin kept looking at me as if he was waiting for me to say more about this topic. “What?”

“Do you keep in touch with Grace?” Kevin nonchalantly asked. “You know, since you keep in touch with Shawn and Skylar…”

“No,” I quickly said, forcing the lie to roll off my tongue. “The last time we spoke was the ngiht before leaving California. Things got messy.”

“Weren’t things with Grace always messy?” Kevin scoffed. I tried to not react to his comment; I was supposed to be completely over Grace… I am completely over Grace. “You seem a lot happier these days, Hyung. I’m glad that you were able to move forward with your life after everything that woman put you through.” That woman. I grind my teeth together to keep my mouth.

“Let’s go and sit with the women,” I got up from my seat, walking towards the living room area.

Black Sheep in Society.

Two Slushies for the Black Sheep: A Micah Monologue.

liz

I wasn’t surprised to see Rosie roaming the aisles of an 7Eleven store; I was more shocked to see her in a 7Eleven store all dressed up like it was after midnight on Prom night. She was wearing this long purple dress; her hair messily pulled back in what seemed to be half down and half in a bun. She looked out of it, yet for some reason still looked so beautiful.

“So now you’re following me or something?” Rosie said, looking through the snacks on the shelves. And now I’m back to reality.

“I don’t know, Roe,” I began to say, playing along. “You’re the one dressed up for the Oscars in a dirty ass 7Eleven.” Rosie finally looked at me and rolled her eyes, not saying much afterwards. “Seriously, what are you doing here?”

“What does it look like I’m doing here?” Rosie spat out, grabbing a bag of hot chips from the shelf. “I’m buying snacks.”

“Roe,” I simply said, tired of her cryptic answers. “If you were at one of those fancy events with Prescott just say it. It’s better than lying to me.” As much as I hated the fact that she was probably his company tonight, I Know the real reason she’s in here by herself. “I used to do the same shit whenever I went to those fancy events that had no food. Plus, I would get high sometimes before going to those events and get mad munchy.” I finally looked over at Rosie, which in my surprise is already looking at me. “The Chili and Limon ones are better, by the way.” Rosie looked at the bag of chips in her hands before putting them back and grabbing the other flavor.

“Thanks,” Rosie simply said. There was a brief silence between us before I ultimately sighed and began the conversation once again.

“It slaps with a slushie.” I mentioned.

“Really?” Rosie asked, looking at the other snacks on the shelf. “Is that your go-to combo?” I nodded my head, grabbing my own bag of the same chips.

“You want one?” I kindly asked. “It’s on me.”

“It’s fine,” Rosie quickly dismissed, putting the chips back and about to walk away. I quickly grabbed her arm; not too rough, but enough to get her attention. She quickly turned around; I can see the fumes rising through the pupil of her eyes. “Let go of me.”

“Roe,” I softly said. I learned that if you needed to get Rosie’s attention, you needed to make sure you made your presence known. In addition to that, you needed to talk to her softly. I don’t know the extent of her past trauma, but I’ve learned that you had to make Rosie feel safe when you needed her attention. “Get what you want, nd I’ll pay for it. It’s okay.”

“I don’t need you for something so stupid,” Rosie fought back, yanking her arm from my hand. It didn’t stop me from grabbing her arm once again; this time, bringing her closer to me.

“Friends rely on each other, no matter what,” I said, now looking at Rosie’s face. “And you, Roe, are my friend, regardless of whatever the fuck you may think about me.” Rosie took a moment to actually hear what I was saying. I slowly let go of her arm, in which she sighed and picked up the bag of chips.

“I’ll take a cherry slushie,” Rosie softly said. I smiled, walking down the aisle with Rosie toward the slushie machine.

…

“So what was tonight’s event for?” I asked, sitting on a bench outside of the store. Rosie took a sip from her slushie before ultimately sighing.

“Some dumb networking event for heir business owners,” Rosie answered as she rolled her eyes. “Prescott insisted I’d go with him, but I didn’t realize that my ears would bleed out boredom.” Another thing I learned about Rosie is that no matter how many times you can tell her something is bad for her, she will only listen if she tells herself that. With Rosie, you sometimes just have to go with the flow in order to get answers out of her, no matter how painful it may be.

“Do you always go to these events with him?” I asked, curious to know more. “Like, wouldn’t you already be used to how bullshit these events are?”

“Yeah, but I don’t do it for him,” Rosie looked at me as she answered. “I do it for me. Gives me a chance to go out for a night and be anything I want to be. Like tonight, I was the distant cousin of a sole heir of a beauty brand company. It was fun for like the first 15 minutes; then it got super boring.” I couldn’t help but laugh; Rosie always knew how to make a bad situation into a tolerable one.

“Do you come up with your backstories for these events?” Rosie nodded as she took a handful of chips from the bag. “And what happens if someone’s like, oh, let us invite you over for tea and crumpets–“

“First of all, dude,” Rosie stopped me as she laughed. “It’s the 21st century; not the Boston Tea Party. Secondly, I just don’t show up. Prescott only takes me to these events, but never anything too intimate. That’s not my cup of tea.” I look at Rosie sitting on this dirty bench with a dress that probably costs more than everything she owns; current and future. How does she do it? How does she just do these things without even thinking twice about it? Why pretend to be someone else when you are perfectly fine the way you are?

“Do you hope to one day go to one for art or something?” I finally asked. “Like, would you ever go to an event and try to make a real name for yourself?”

“I wouldn’t want to associate myself with these type of people,” Rosie began to explain. “You and I both know that all these people care about is what they are wearing and how much better they are compared to others. It’s bullshit and so fucking toxic.”

“So why even go to them in the first place?” I asked, not really thinking about how I was asking. I knew I said it in a way where it came off as annoyed that she kept going to these events with Prescott. Surprisingly, she didn’t look upset with me or like she was going to storm away or something. She just sat there, kicking her legs from underneath her purple dress, and sighs.

“The same reason you went to them with your girlfriend,” Rosie admitted. She doesn’t look at me when she does, but she knows I’m looking right at her.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake her out of the delusion that she actually was… in love with Prescott. That was the reason that I went to these events with Kalia; I was in love with her. I’d do anything that she wanted to do whether or not I liked it or not. Sure, Kalia would treat me like disposable shit when her career came first, but there was a moment in time that I knew we were in love. Prescott ‘douchebag’ Jones is not capable of loving another person other than himself. Rosie is a smart girl, so why is she acting so oblivious to the fact that this man is using her?

I couldn’t handle it anymore. I immediately dug into my pocket and took out my bag of weed and roll up. Rosie slowly turned her head as I did so; taking a paper out, mixing the grabba and bud together, and began rolling it. She sighed and turned her head.

“I know that’s not the answer you were looking for,” Rosie began to explain. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to hear anymore about this. “But it is what it is.”

“You can’t help the people you love,” I started to say back. I finished rolling the blunt and lit it up, taking the first puff. Be her friend, Micah. She needs one more than ever. I took another puff and pointed the blunt in Rosie’s attention. She looks at me after looking down at he blunt.

“I don’t think I should smoke with you,” Rosie finally said. I knew she was referring to the hook up we had a couple of months ago.

“Dude, relax,” I said, giving the blunt to Rosie. “Those snacks are gonna hit so much more when you hit this.” Rosie carefully took the blunt from my hand and began to smoke it. I figured it was safe that both of us are out here, on this dirty bench, with nowhere to go really. Be her friend, Micah.

“Oh yeah?” Rosie questioned, taking her two puffs before passing the blunt back to me. “You know from experience or something?”

“Duh,” I playfully said. “Because Chili Limon chips and slushies are deadass nasty together.” I couldn’t help but laugh when Rosie sucked her teeth and nudged me on the shoulder. It was a good thing she was still smiling, knowing that I was just playing around with her. “Let’s start walking, it’s cold as shit out here.”

“You’re telling me,” Rosie said as she got up from the bench. She was shivering in her tiny ass jacket. The fuck would he make her wear this skimpy ass jacket in this cold? I quickly began to take off my coat to unzip my hoodie. Once I do, I handed it over to Rosie.

“Put it on,” I demanded more than suggested. “You’re not dying from the cold out here with me.” Rosie rolled her eyes and put on my hoodie underneath her jacket.

“Happy?” Rosie sucked her teeth. I smiled as I began to walk down the block with her.

“Ecstatic,” I simply replied.

Misc., y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #13: Back to our Roots.

liz

Milo and Jennifer sit on the floor in Milo’s bedroom with notebooks and paper scattered on the floor. Milo is penciling in music notes on sheet music while Jennifer is barely doing any work; she plays with a handball she found on the floor of Milo’s room. Milo looks up at Jennifer every time he hears the ball hit the floor.

Milo: Pep.

Jennifer: *looks at Milo* Huh?

Milo: You do know we have homework tonight for vocal, right?

Jennifer: I know, I’m just waiting for you to finish so that we can compare answers.

Milo: *confused* Don’t you actually have to do the homework first ion order to compare answers?

Jennifer: Yeah, compare your answers by writing them down on my own paper as well.

Milo laughs and shakes his head, but continues to work on the homework. Jennifer finally puts the ball down and sighs.

Jennifer: I needed to get out of the house before I lost my mind.

Milo looks up at Jennifer, listening to her vent.

Milo: Did your mom bring him home today?

Jennifer rolled her eyes.

Jennifer: Of course she did, and of course he is still trying to act like a father after all of these years. Like, we were doing perfectly fine without you, dude.

Milo: How did your mom even reconnect with him?

Jennifer: Through a cooking course she’s taking. Like, I knew my dad was a chef too, but for fuck’s sake, out of all the guys in New York, you decide to give him a chance?

Milo: Do you think they’re dating?

Jennifer gives Milo a look. Milo looks up and notices Jennifer.

Milo: Are they?

Jennifer: *annoyed* Dude, of course they are dating! That’s what’s pissing me off!

Milo: I mean, it sucks, but you can’t really do anything about it, Pep.

Jennifer gets up from the ground.

Jennifer: Whose side are you on?!

Milo: Pep, I’m just saying. You’re angry over something you have no control over. Sure, that doesn’t mean that what your mom is doing is okay; your feelings are valid but you shouldn’t let that affect you–

Jennifer: What if they get married or something? What if they just decide to pick up where they left off when he left us 11 years ago?

Milo didn’t say anything back. He knows that the subject was sensitive for Jennifer, but only wanted to let her know the truth about this whole situation. Jennifer sighed, sitting back on the ground with her knees against her chest.

Milo: You can always stay here when you can’t handle it at home, Pep. You know that.

Jennifer: Yeah… *reminisces* Remember that one summer I practically lived in your house?

Milo: *laughs* And we did nothing but run up and down the block on our bikes?

Jennifer: Dude! That bike used to go so fast! and the sidewalk used to be all cracked and broken so the bike would hit them and we’d go flying!

Both Jennifer and Milo laugh as they recall the memories.

Jennifer: *sullen* When did things get so complicated?

Milo: I don’t know, Pep. I guess as we got older, things are just the way they are now.

Jennifer: Yeah, well it sucks. High school sucks, the people suck, and my whole family just sucks now too.

Milo: *teases* Well, I hope that I don’t fall into that “people suck” category.

Jennifer rolls her eyes and nudges Milo as he laughs.

Jennifer: As much as we fight and want to rip each other’s heads off, of course you’re not in that category. Like, I told my mom that your mom invited me over to dinner tonight and that;s why I’m not over there eating dinner with her and my dad.

Milo nods his heads as he listens to Jennifer.

Milo: What are you gonna do when you get home and starving because you actually didn’t eat dinner here?

Jennifer: I’ll make some excuse that I didn’t like the Philippine food your mom made or something.

Milo laughs and shakes his head. He sees the little ball of his phone turn blue, meeting that he had gotten a new message. He picks up his phone from the ground and unlocks it, reading the text message he got.

Gwen: Just wondering if we’re still practicing after school tomorrow for our band rehearsal later this week…

Jennifer notices Milo looking at his phone for a minute longer than he usually does.

Jennifer: Is that Nicki?

Milo: *nervously* Oh, uhm… yeah. She just wanted to remind me about our band rehearsal later this week.

Jennifer: Playing an instrument is so boring; good luck to you both for that.

Milo smiles and laughs at Jennifer\s comment. He looks back down to his phone screen and begins to type on the mini keyboard, answering the text message.

Milo: Yeah, just meet me in the West Wing tomorrow after school.

Message sent. Milo looks back up and sees Jennifer finally taking out her books to start on the homework.

Milo: Pep, I already finsihed doing the homework; why are you just now taking out your books?\

Jennifer: Clearly you didn’t hear me when I said that I was waiting for you to finish so that we can “compare” answers. So, I’m comparing your answers with the ones I would’ve wrote down if I gave a shit.

Milo shakes his head as Jennifer jokes around and laugh.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: I’m Alone, But Not Lonely.

liz

I hear it from older generations all the time; people these days do not know how to socialize the way that they did when they were our age. I agree with them even though they are talking about my generation and the one after mine. I can’t speak for Gen Z, but I can say that for us millennials, we were on the right track of knowing how to socialize; that was until the internet and social media blew up. I can remember being a young teenager having to make the effort to pick up the landline phone and speak over the phone if I wanted to talk to my friends. I had to actually make plans verbally with people and let them know this is where we were meeting up because once we left our house, we had no way to get in contact with our friends. I can honestly say that when I was younger, I felt like I was on the right track of being a social butterfly; these days not so much.

Do I blame the internet and social media for my demise of being social? No. For me, my lack of social skills stems from a place of trauma and only dealing with it way after it actually affected my skills and ability to be social. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not this person that just sits at their computer all day and writes other people’s stories because mine is too boring to tell. I still interact with tons of people and able to speak to people (sometimes, when I’m feeling confident) but for me as a person, I find myself being the best version of myself when I am in my own company, being my own best friend.

Hi, my name is Liz, and socially I’m alone, but I am not a lonely person. Does that make sense? Lemme explain.

I guess this topic is coming up from me because this time last year, I lost the only friend group I had since probably being back in high school. Yes, this friend group were consisted of people I never met in person and that I met online through a community, but it didn’t change the fact that I shared a ton of my life with these people and considered them just as much as my friends I would have in-person. Losing that friend group completely made me question a ton of stuff about myself and who I was as a person. Why was I so quick to cut people out of my lives when something like this could’ve been discussed and avoided? This seems to be the question that a lot of people who are social and have tons of friends would ask those who tend to cut ties quickly, and they are right; how come it is so easy for us these days to cut ties with people that we put our trust and care into when one thing goes wrong? Why is it so hard for us to sit down and have these difficult conversations with those we love when they hurt us or if we hurt them?

I can’t speak for anyone else when I say this, but for me I would talk things out with people in situations that I knew needed to end right then and there. I used to hoarder people in my life to the point that eventually I learned that it hurt me more to hold on than to let go in the end. For me, once I began practicing self-worth and assertiveness, I lost my ability to have these tough conversations with people, and at the end of the it all, I was back to square one.

Our generation specifically have been smothered in this idea that you are the best version of yourself when you make decisions that benefit your well being. It’s not a stupid ideology; we are the generation that began to have these conversations about mental health and just how important it was to take care of it. But, we have took that ideology to the extremes when it comes to interacting with other people, whether it be romantic or platonic.

Losing a friend group as an adult is so different than losing one as a teenager. As an adult, there’s no one fighting for your friendship the way we did as teens and as an adult, no one has the time to sit back and reflect how their actions may have affected you. We’re too busy living life as full-grown adults, trying to make it day by day in it. So when we cut people out of our lives due to anger and emotional distress, we don’t realize that these temporary feelings lead to permanent decisions. Then we end up alone.

So, am I going on this tangent because I regret my decision of cutting ties with my friends in my past? No. I made the best decision that I thought was best in the heat of the moment, when I was crying in my break room at the job on an emergency therapy appointment because I felt incapable of continuing my day. Everyone has their reasons of why they cut ties with people, but at the end of the day, we have to realize that if we aren’t able to be our own company, sit in our own thoughts, and learn how to be our own damn best friend, reconsider your options.

For me, I am used to be alone socially. I don’t have friends I see every weekend and go out with. I don’t have friends to vent to when I am feeling angry or depressed about a situation. I cannot name 5 people that I consider my friends that I can confidently say that if I were to ever get married, would be a part of my bridal party. is it sad? Of course. Someone in their 30s should have a solid group of people they see or talk to regularly, but for me it’s not a priority because, well, I am the best version of myself when I’m by myself.

“Oh, but that must be a lonely feeling to constantly have.”

I am not lonely. I have family that I live with and talk to every single day. I have coworkers I see five days a week and talk to when we get the chance. I have acquaintances that will comment and reply to a story on social media, sparking up conversation. I have a pretty awesome partner that I get to laugh and have fun with. I have my creativity and my writing universes that nurture me as a person. I have myself.

And that’s okay with me.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #12: The One with the Memories.

liz

The front door opens and in walks Jennifer. She immediately drops her bookbag near the doorway, closing the front door behind her.

Jennifer: Mom?

There’s no answer. Jennifer calls out for her mom one last time before someone is seen walking into the living room. Jennifer sees its her Aunt Gabby.

Aunt Gabby: Hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Hi Aunt Gabby *looks around* where’s my mom?

Aunt Gabby: She went out for dinner with–

Jennifer: *annoyed* Ugh, don’ even say it.

Jennifer walks away from Aunt Gabby to go toward the kitchen. Jennifer forcefully opens the refrigerator and takes out the juice. She slams the door shut and sees her little sister, Maryette.

Maryette: You’re not supposed to be slamming the fridge door.

Jennifer: Leave me alone.

Jennifer walks away from Maryette in which her little sister follows her.

Maryette: And that juice is supposed to be for dinner tonight.

Jennifer: Stop following me and leave me alone.

Maryette doesn’t listen; he continues to follow her big sister around the kitchen.

Maryette: You can’t tell me what to do, Pep!

Jennifer: *annoyed* Shut up and leave me alone! You’re so fucking annoying.

Maryette: *shouts* Pep said a bad word! Pep said a bad word! You have to put a dime in the swear jar!

Jennifer: Leave! Me! Alone!

The two sisters begin to argue in the kitchen and Aunt Gabby comes into the kitchen to see what the bickering is about.

Aunt Gabby: Hey! Hey! What is all this fighting about?

The two girls begin to talk over each other, not allowing the other to speak. Aunt Gabby quiets the girls down.

Aunt Gabby: Okay, that’s enough! The twins are asleep and this noise will wake them up. *to Jennifer* Jennifer, you go first since you are the oldest.

Maryette: But–

Aunt Gabby: *stern* I said Jennifer gets to speak first.

Jennifer: I was minding my own business until she came into the kitchen and started bothering me.

Maryette: She slammed the door and took the juice!

Aunt Gabby: Maryette.

Maryette quiets down and Jennifer chuckles to herself.

Jennifer: This is stupid; can I go to my room?

Maryette: It’s my room too.

Aunt Gabby: Maryette, how about you go and grab Matt from his room and you and him can help me bake some cookies?

Maryette: *excited* Okay!

Maryette runs towards the staircase and up to the second floor. Aunt Gabby turns around and looks at Jennifer.

Aunt Gabby: What’s going on with you?

Jennifer: Nothing, it was just a long day at school today.

Aunt Gabby: It’s always a long day at school; is everything okay?

Jennifer: Everything’s fine, Aunt Gabby.

Aunt Gabby: Okay, I’m just making sure. You know you could always talk to me if something is bothering you.

Jennifer: *dismissive* Yeah.

Jennifer walks out of the kitchen and toward the staircase. She walks to her shared bedroom and closes the door behind her. She takes a deep breath and lays back first on her bed. She closes her eyes tight.

It’s the year 1996, particularly on one of the hottest days of the summer season. Jennifer is playing across the street in front of Milo’s house. They kick around a soccer ball, laughing and having a good time. Moments later, Jennifer looks at the house across the street where she sees her father, Justin, call out her name.

Justin: Pep! Time to come in!

Jennifer smiles at her father and waves goodbye to Milo. Her father walks across the street to get Jennifer. She grabs her father’s hand as they walk down the street.

Justin: Mama is taking your sister to the doctor today, after lunch we can go to the park.

Jennifer: Can Milo come?

Justin: Of course, we can go and ask Milo’s mom if he can come.

Jennifer smiles; she swings her father’s arm in her hand.

Jennifer opens her eyes when she hears Aunt Gabby talk to someone downstairs. She opens her bedroom door and looks over the railing of the stairs. She sees Aunt Gabby talk to two adults in the foyer; one being her mom and a second being a man. She knows exactly who it is.

She leans in closer to get a better look down at the foyer, which causes for the railing to creek loudly. Jennifer cusses to herself, but loud enough for the adults to stop what they were doing to look up at Jennifer.

Lydia: Peppie?

Jennifer squeezes her eyes shut before opening them, revealing herself on top of the staircase.

Jennifer: Hi, Mom.

Jennifer looks at her mom and then looks at the man next to her. She immediately knows it’s Justin, her dad. Jennifer walks down the stairs, pretending to be unbothered of the situation.

Lydia: I’m going to start making dinner in a few, I–

Jennifer: I’m going to hang out at Milo’s.

Justin: *to Lydia* Mark and Elise’s son?

Lydia nods.

Lydia: Please be back before dinner is ready.

Jennifer: *dismissive* I promised Mrs. Kamalani I would stay for dinner–

Jennifer grabs her jacket and bookbag from the front door where she last left it.

Justin: It was nice seeing you, Pep.

Jennifer stops what she’s doing and turns around to look at her mom and Justin standing there.

Jennifer: My name is Jennifer.

Jennifer opens the front door and exits without looking back at her parents.