Something told me that once I finally let someone in my life love me again, it would all eventually go downhill. It wasn’t because the person will eventually get sick of me and stop loving me, but my life was incapable of allowing another person to love me. I figured this out on my first official date with Sahim one night.

I ran back to my room after practice one night, stripping everything off my body and getting into the shower. I didn’t have much time to think about what I was going to wear or do with my hair, but knowing Sahim he wouldn’t care so much about that. I couldn’t lie to myself and say I wasn’t nervous; sure, Sahim and I have spent a lot of time together as if they were dates, but this was the first one that we went on where we were now officially dating. Since telling Aimee, she has called me non-stop, wanting details of what our first date was going to be.

“Girl, we’re just going to some karaoke bar downtown,” I said over the phone as I looked in the mirror. “This is the most simple first official date I’ve had at this point.”

“But that’s the thing,” Aimee began to say. “This is your first date with Sahim as his girlfriend.” I felt my face get hot hearing Aimee say it; I haven’t even said it out loud to myself.

“It’s going to be fine,” I tell myself more than Aimee. It’s just Sahim, your co-worker-turned-lover-boyfriend… “I’m more worried about him hearing how I sound singing karaoke than being on a date with him.”

“Oh he’ll tune you out,” Aimee teased before laughing. “Seriously though, go out and have fun. You’ve had a lot on your plate ever since Sonia gave you this side-project for the production. Aimee wasn’t wrong; I feel like I haven’t had the time to actually enjoy my free time since taking on these dance projects. Not only did I have to choreograph a completely new section of the production, but Sonia wanted me to actually come up with a solo routine for the closing portion of the show as well. I didn’t have much time left in Korea; the production has exactly 20 more weeks left before it’s over. It sounds like a while from now, but to think that we’ve already been here for the production for nearly 6 months now is mind-blowing.

“I know,” I said as I began to do my hair. I didn’t have time to straighten it, so a updo was going to have to do the trick for this date. “I’m excited though. It should be fun tonight.”

…

Sahim and I went to this karaoke place in downtown Changwon that Summer had suggested. Although surrounded by other brightly-lit stores, it was located on a street that wasn’t as busy with tourists. Sahim opened the front door for me as we both entered the place.

We walked into one of the karaoke rooms fill of blinking LED lights accompanied by two microphones and a TV up on the wall.

“This is a cute little spot,” Sahim said as he looked around the room. I looked back at him, in awe just how excited he gets for the most simple things.

“Summer told me about this place; I figured it would be a cute first-“

“Date?” Sahim smiled as he looked back at me. I felt my face getting hot once again. He grabbed my waist to bring he closer to him.

“Sahim, this isn’t America,” I began to say. “We’ll get banned if they found us in the room this close.” Sahim couldn’t help but laugh. “But to answer your question; yes.” I walked over towards the big book of karaoke songs on the table next to the microphones. Sahim takes ne of the microphones and stands in front of the TV.

“Alright, Tiny Dancer, pick a song for me to butcher the hell out of,” Sahim said, confidently. I laughed, skimming through the pages of the book. I come across Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and suddenly feel my stomach drop to the floor. The thing about music is that because it was so universal, it always has enough weight to carry memories and past versions of yourself. I quickly flipped the page, erasing the memories, ignoring all of my past selves. I take the remote and type in the number of the song I picked. New memories. New selves.

Sahim looked at the blank screen before it came back on with the background of Elton John sitting at a piano at one of his concerts. Sahim laughed out loud, not believing I would chose this song for him to sing.

“Tiny Dancer? Really?” Sahim asked as he laughed.

“Come on, lets go!” I said to Sahim, pointing at the screen as the words started to appear. He begins to poorly sing the song, which makes it even cuter to watch him. He misses a couple of words here and there, trying to catch the beat when he does. I didn’t realize that someone can do so poorly at karaoke. The song finally ends and the score appears on the screen: a 70%. Sahim turns around in disbelief as I cover my mouth.

“Not this karaoke grading you like it’s an exam,” Sahim said as he pointed towards the TV. I couldn’t help but finally laugh.

“This one is pretty brutal,” I agreed. “They take their karaoke singing seriously.” Sahim puts the microphone on the table and sits next to me on the sofa.

“Well,” Sahim began to say before snatching the book from my lap. “It’s now your turn.” He kisses me quickly on the cheek before skimming through the book. I sighed, grabbing a microphone from the table and standing up. Sahim looked up at me for a brief moment before he started to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?” I asked Sahim, crossing my arms along my chest.

“You’re standing there as if this is a chore, babe,” Sahim said as he flipped through the book. “Let me remind you that this was your idea.”

“What else were we supposed to do for a first date as a couple, yet alone in a foreign country? Sit around our hotel room and eat expensive room service all night?” I playfully argued.

“Don’t worry, baby,” Sahim teased. “We’ll eventually get to that type of date.” He points the remote at the screen and chose the song I’ll be singing to. I turned around and looked at the screen. To my surprise, it’s a Kpop song.

“Sahim!” I turned around as he laughed. “I can’t sing Korean! This is unfair!” I walked over to Sahim to grab the remote from him. Because of his height, he was able to keep the remote from me in a good arm’s distance. I fall over onto him sitting on the couch as the instrumental plays on the TV. I looked at Sahim as he looked at me. I kissed him hard, using my hand to tussle his hair in between my fingertips. He smiled so good today. His smile was so white, the black light in the room made them standing out more every time he smiled. He accepted the kiss, grabbing my waist with his free hand. Kissing Sahim wasn’t anything new; we’ve done so plenty of times in our uncertain phase of this. Kissing Sahim as a couple though… whoa. I nearly forgot how we even got to this place.

I quickly got a hold of the remote in Sahim’s hand, and quickly got up once I did. Sahim, laying back on the sofa, looked surprised.

“Got it!” I said, dancing around as I teased Sahim. He sat up, still looking in disbelief.

“A distraction; a classic move,” Sahim nodded his head as he said. “You got me there, babe.” It was sweet to hear Sahim call me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ as soon as we became a couple. It rolled so naturally off his tongue; it was like he was always suppose to say it to me.

“Thank you, thank you,” I take a celebratory bow. I turned around nd chose the song I wanted to sing. “You get to hear how a professional karaoke singer does it.” As I turn back toward the TV, I took a deep breath before the words started to appear on the screen. I began to sing the words, softly as the song was meant to be sung slow. I know I don’ have the musical ability like my parents did, but it made these types of experiences a lot less stressful. I began to sway side-to-side in place, singing the words as the LED lights spun around the room. Shortly after, I feel Sahim wrap his arms around me, swaying to the beat with me. It made me feel warm inside for the first time in a really long time. In this moment, I feel at ease, as if I’m finally allowing myself to live in the moment.

Of course, it doesn’t last long once I hear my cellphone ringing on top of the table nonstop.

I finally turned around with Sahim and see Skylar’s name pop up on my screen. Once it stops ringing, I notice just how many times she tried calling me. She called one more time before I finally picked up the phone.

“Sky?” I answered, wondering what was going on. “Whoa, whoa, whoa; you have to slow down; what happened?” I looked at Sahim looking at me, also wondering what the hell was going on. “Okay, okay; I’ll come to you, gimme 20 minutes.” I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. “Of course something always has to happen…”

“Hey?” Sahim softly said, trying to get me to focus. I looked up at him, feeling defeated and exhausted towards everything that is yet to happen with Sky. “I’ll drive you there.”

“No; she’s my cousin,” I began to say as I gathered my belongings. “I don’t want you to get involved in the family drama-“

“I’ll drive you there,” Sahim interrupted and solidified his statement. I didn’t want to fight him; if anything, I needed to save my energy for Skylar.

“Okay,” I whispered, walking out of the room full of LED lights to face my reality.

“So do you have to get really dressy for this show?” I asked Grace as I looked inside of my closet. I walked out, pulling a matching suit from the closet. Grace sits on my bed, leaning back looking toward me.

“Jamie, it’s a show; not a wedding,” Grace teased. “A button down and some slacks should be fine. You should have something like that in your closet considering it’s all you wear.”

“Which brings me to my former question: do we have to be really dressy for the show?” I asked. Grace laughed and got up from the bed, walking toward the closet. She looks through the various hangers with clothes on them. She pulls out a collared sweater and some black slacks with my favorite dress shoes.

“You’ll be the best dressed in the theater,” Grace smiled as she said. She puts the clothes on the bed and reaches for my glasses on the nightstand. She walked back toward me and out the glass on my face. “Especially with your glasses.” I couldn’t help but smile at her.

“Jaemin?” I hear someone call out my name. I turned around and see Haram standing near the bedroom door. She’s in a turtleneck and skirt with some boots. She smiles and walks into the room, looking at the outfit I had decided to put on. “You look handsome for dinner tonight, oppa.” I turned around and looked at her, smiling. She scrunches her face, taking the glasses off of my face. “The contacts are better.”

“I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable tonight,” I walked to the vanity and take off the glasses. I take my contacts from the top drawer, looking down at them. “But anything for my lady.” I faintly smiled as Haram hugged me behind and kissed me on the cheek.

…

Every other weekend, Haram and I would go out and explore the city; our schedules were so busy during the week that we promised each other that no matter what, we’d do this. This particular weekend, I was getting ready to meet Haram for dinner and a movie. I put on the same outfit I tend to always wear: a brown collared sweater and black slacks. Today, I opted in to wear white sneakers to change the causality of the outfit; also, to get out of my comfort zone. I also wear my glasses today only because it’s better for me when watching movies.

I took a deep breath before leaving my bedroom. I walked downstairs to get ready to head out for the evening. Before I could do so, I hear the door knock. I walked to the door, opening it to see Haram standing there.

“Jagiya,” I said, surprised to see her here. “I thought I was going to pick you up today.”

“I had a feeling you needed some extra time to get ready,” Haram added, looking at my glasses.

“I know you hate the glasses,” I said, smiling at Haram’s change of expression.

“They just make you look like a boy rather than a man,” Haram teased, rustling my hair.

“Ya,” I whined, shaking my head to put my hair back in place. “It took forever to style my hair like this.” Haram giggled, helping me place my hair as it was.

“Okay, K-pop idol,” Haram continued to tease me until she put her hand in mine and walked me out of my apartment. We didn’t go that far to go out for dinner; we went to a hotpot place that always sold the juiciest of meat. We always sit at the corner of the restaurant; the table where you can look outside the window and see the city in action. We sat down in our usual seats; Haram smiling at me as she does.

“So, have you thought about teaching at PNU this Fall?” Haram asked. Haram and I have spoken about shifting my career towards teaching, especially as we speak more about our future. It was weird actually planning things out after just doing things off of a whim most of my life. She balanced that chaotic, uncertain side of myself.

“I have a meeting with the Dean in a couple of weeks,” I said, looking down at the menu. I wasn’t against leaving the firm. I’ve worked under this firm for the last 7 years and I was beginning to feel like maybe it was time to move onto other endeavors. Plus, if I wanted to ever settle down and have kids of my own, I wanted to be more involved than your typical man of the house.

“That’s great!” Haram excitingly responded, smiling as she took a sip of her drink. “It’ll be great to move closer to the Busan area; buy a house with a backyard, out of the city.” I learned early on that Haram was raised in the rural area of Andong-si. She moved to Changwon-si to teach, but she’s expressed that she will eventually like to move back into a rural area. We decided that Busan would be the best of both worlds; I would still be close enough to the city for work and she can have her own house and garden area. I smiled at Haram’s excitement.

“That would be nice,” I added. The waitress brings us our meat and garnishes for the night; both Haram and I thank her.

“Hopefully you are able to get the teaching position before Minji’s wedding,” Haram added. “Hopefully a lot of things are done before this Fall.”

“Ya,” I whined again, hearing the anxiety in Haram’s voice. “Everything will fall into place; don’t worry.” Haram doesn’t look convinced. “I promise.” The reality of it was that I didn’t know how or when things would fall into place. I still had so much thinking to do and I still had to think about so many other people when it came to making big decisions like this. I had to think about my family before I was able to think about creating my own.

“I’m just mentioning it,” Haram said, grabbing a piece of meat and grilling it in the pot in front of us. “I feel like you put yourself behind everyone else, and you deserve to have just as much as a future as those you surround yourself with.”

“Like who?” I asked, genuinely curious in who she’s talking about.

“Shawn, for example,” Haram pointed out. “The night I needed you to pick me up from my job because my car broke down, you were out taking care of him after going out for drinks.”

“I had Lia pick you up that night,” I responded. “It’s not like I had you stranded in the middle of Changwon-si.”

“That’s not the point, Jaemin,” Haram stated. “My point is that we are supposed to have each other’s backs and if something goes wrong, we should be able to handle it. I was embarrassed having your younger sister pick me up instead of you.” I told Haram that I needed to take Shawn home after he got wasted at the bar that one night. The truth was that night, I was driving Grace back to the place she was staying at. Of course I didn’t want to mention it to Haram; how was I suppose to explain that I was too busy driving my ex back home because she’s a foreigner that wanted to take a sketchy cab home instead? There was no motive behind the gesture, as I’ve been in love with something else for some time now. I tell myself that to justify my decision making.

“I’m just saying, Jaemin; it’s the things that we do now that will determine how our future will pan out,” Haram said, reaching out for my hand across the table. I put my hand in hers. Sometimes I feel like she’s constantly waiting for me to make the next move regarding our future and I just hold her hand ad have her anticipate what’s to come for our future.

“I promise I will change my prioritizes together,” I said, smiling and lying through my teeth. The truth was that I never put myself first because of everyone else around me. I needed to make sure that everyone was okay before I am; I was taught that through my own father. I wonder if he felt fulfilled at the end of his life, or did he die without ever feeling what was like to put himself first?

My father was a man that did not let others know if he was struggling or going through something troubling. He was a private person, and he would only show expression through the actions h did for other people. I didn’t understand why he was like that until his passing; until I became the man in the family that needed to take care of his mother and sisters. Lia and Mina were all able to move on with their lives, but let me try to move too far away from home to get my life together.

My phone begins to ring inside of my pocket, in which I immediately take out to answer. It’s Shawn. Speaking of the devil.

“Shawn?” I answered the phone. He sounds distraught over the phone.

“Hyung,” Shawn said. “I need your help!”

“What happened?” I asked, now worried. Haram looks up at me, wanting to know the situation.

“Please, I’m in Changwon-si,” Shawn began to explain. “I just–” I hear Shawn trying to take deep breaths, possibly trying to keep his composure together.

“Shawn, what is going on?” I asked, now more stern. Before Shawn can even have a panic attack over the phone, I tried to be a bit more gentle with him. “Shawn, just send me your address. I’ll come meet you.” I look up at Haram who looks a little annoyed now. This is exactly what she was talking about. I hung up the phone and sighed, now looking at Haram.

“Go,” Haram simply said. “He’s your friend, and he needs help.”

“Come with me,” I suggested, wanting to show her that I wasn’t trying to run off without her. “It’ll be quick; I just have to check up on Shawn.” Haram sighed loudly, gathering her things from the table as I paid the bill for dinner. I hope Shawn is alright.

“Grace,” Sonia kept calling out for me during our last stage rehearsal of the night. “See me after we’re done, please.” I took a deep breath as I felt today’s lunch swirl inside my stomach. These last couple of shows have been rough for me; injury after injury and sickness after sickness. A lot of the dancers are needing to fill in for each other, so the workload has been more than one person can handle for a couple shows a week.

Because of this, many of the dancers also left the production, whether it was my choice or not. Being as far away from home for this amount of time was starting to strain a lot of us. Many of the dancers have expressed they missed being with their families; many of them with young children that they constantly video chat during our breaks. It makes me feel bad; to sit with these women of children and to not necessarily feel the same things they do. Being in Korea hasn’t been as daunting as I thought it would be; does that make me a bad mother? Just when I think I’m enough to be considered a good parent, I see how it is to actually be a good parent.

I nodded my head as Sonia continued the rehearsal. I look over to Sahim, standing on the side of the stage looking at me with a worrisome expression on his face.

All the other dancers leave the stage for the night before Sonia is able to talk to me. I bend down to tie my sneakers; of course I would hear Sahim’s whispered voice echo just inches away from me.

“You’re okay?” Sahim asked, whispering due to how quiet the theater is now. I get up and look at Sahim; he faintly smiles to reassure me. He was great at doing so.

“Yeah,” I said, sighing. “Just waiting for Sonia to talk to me.” I crossed my arms and looked offstage toward Sonia talking to some other dancers. “What if she lets me go?”

“What?” Sahim reacted. “Why would she do something as absurd like that?”

“Look how many people left the production since opening,” I emphasized. “I feel like at this point, there’s not going to be a show left to do.”

“I can’t speak for the other dancers, but I can say that it’s all about who’s willing to work through the hardships and who doesn’t. You’re willing to work through it, clearly.” I looked out towards the audience again toward Sonia, ending another conversation with the last dancer there. She looked toward the stage at me and immediately I felt the knot sink to the pit of my stomach.

“Do you need something, Sahim?” Sonia said, looking at Sahim.

“Nope, I was just leaving,” Sahim nervously answered, clearing his throat afterward. Before he walks away, he whispers something to me. “I have to talk to you about something.” I looked up at Sahim, wondering what he meant by that. He walked away before Sonia said anything.

“Grace,” Sonia finally said, walking towards the stage.

“Hi, Sonia,” I greeted her, waiting for her to just rip the bandage off already. Once she got on the stage, she grabbed two folding chairs from the side, h anding one over to me. She sighed, which meant this wasn’t going to be a delightful conversation.

“Thank you again for speaking to me after rehearsal,” she began the conversation. “I know how valuable off-time is for a dancer.” I nodded my head, still feeling nervous. “How is Mollie doing?”

“Oh, uhm; she’s doing fine,” I answered, not expecting this to be the conversation. Sonia nods her head, adjusting herself in her seat.

“Tell her that I said hi,” Sonia said, smiling. It quickly vanished off her face once she took a deep breath. “So, we’re about half way into the production season, and we are going to change some things around considering that the production is getting smaller.” I couldn’t believe that we were already half way into the season. I feel like we just started, even though my body and exhaustion knows it’s been almost 6 months.

“Yeah,” I added in, just to let her know I was listening to her.

“We are closing the show for two weeks to revamp the production, and I want you to choreograph these two pieces we’re adding in.” My eyes widened. To say I was shocked was an understatement.

“Me?” I asked; it was the only thing I could say. Sonia nodded her head.

“Grace,” Sonia leaned in closer. “You have a natural gift in dancing, and the audience can see that. You bring something different in the way you dance, and I think it’s important that not only we envision what we think the production should look like, but how our own dancers see it too.” Sonia finally smiled at me, softening her hard exterior. “You’ll have until the end of the season to work on this project.”

“Sonia, I—“ I began to say, but she immediately looked like she was going to say something else, so I keep quiet.

“I know it’s a lot of work on top of the work you are already doing,” Sonia continued. “But I know you are going to be great. You are already great.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling at Sonia’s kind words. “It means a lot coming from someone as experienced as you.” Sonia smiled and got up from her seat, holding her hand out toward me. I got up from my seat, shaking her hand in return.

…

I knocked on Sahim’s hotel door, feeling giddy and excited for what’s to come after speaking to Sonia. I wanted to share the good news with him; I know he would be supportive and excited for me about this next step of my dancing career. I knocked once more; maybe he didn’t hear me knocking. Moments later, Sahim opens the door.

“Grace?” Sahim said. I smiled at him, feeling too excited to stand in one place. “Everything okay?”

“I have something to tell you,” I said, inviting myself into Sahim room.

“Yeah?” Sahim said, closing the door behind me. I went to sit on one of the chairs in his room, facing him.

“It’s about my meeting with Sonia,” I said. Sahim grabs a chair next to me, sitting across from me. He seemed a little distraught; nothing how he would normally look like on a good day. “Are you okay?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Sahim said, looking down at his hands before looking up at me. “I also have been meaning to talk to you about something as well.”

“What is it?” I asked, wondering what has Sahim feeling kind of distant. He doesn’t say anything right away. It was like he was trying to find the right way to start this conversation. Before he said anything, he simply just sighed.

“I know time isn’t truly on our side working on such a major production like this, so it truly means a lot to me whenever we are able to spend time together around the city, or even in our rooms.” I smile, thinking about all the time we did spend together while being in Korea. Sahim made it easy to spend time with him. Since we worked on the same schedule, we always had off the same time. Sahim, from what I collected, seeks adventure. He’s constantly wanting to go to these different places in the city, whether or not he truly thinks it will be a good place to hang out. It’s in his nature to go out and explore; from what he’s told me about his life in America, he’s never in one place. In a way, I related with him on that. I could never seem to stay in one place for long periods of time.

“Me too,” I added. Sahim just smiled before he continued to speak.

“I just want to know if we are on the right track,” Sahim finally admitted, looking at me. “I really like you, Grace, and I would hate to lose you once the production is over.”

“Lose me?” I asked, wondering what Sahim meant by that. “How would you lose me?”

“I just feel like since being here, we’ve both been living in an alternate reality, like we’ve been on this vacation together,” Sahim stated. “I feel like once the production is over, the high is over… life goes back to what it was before and– I don’t know. I would hate to have you so close now and then lose you when we go back to America.” I take in everything that Sahim is saying, and in all honesty: it’s a first. Every relationship I’ve been in ended in one of us leaving; in me leaving. Sahim opened his hand, revealing his palm. I put my hand into his as he gently squeezed it.

“Sahim,” I began to say, trying to formulate my own sentences now. “We have so much time left. There’s no need for you to be worried about the future.”

“I know,” Sahim added, taking a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this when the time comes, because it will seem like I’m only doing this because we have to leave…” Sahim looks me in my eyes, still holding my hand. I feel the knot getting tighter in my stomach. “Which is why I am looking to make things a little more official at this point.”

“What?” I asked, the shock visible on my face. Sahim looked embarrassed once he saw my face; fuck, no; that’s not what I wanted to say or react. I squeezed my eyes shut. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry; it’s just-“

“Grace,” Sahim interrupted an sighed. “I know it’s scary. I know getting into something serious isn’t something that wasn’t on your bucket list of things to do while being in Korea.” He smiles when he looks at me. It always felt good to see him smile every time he looks at me when he’s nervous. “It wasn’t on mine either.” We both laugh, which makes things feel less intense then they were before. “But, I seriously couldn’t help myself while being with you during our time here. And I guess that’s why I bring it up.”

I began to picture a life with Sahim as my boyfriend; living in a house outside of the city but every weekend going back for a dinner date or Broadway show. I picture him meeting Willow for the first time, meeting my family and sharing stories about his journeys before the production. I picture him waking up every morning to remind me I have a rehearsal that day; he was always good at keeping me on track. I picture me meeting his family and seeing every place in his neighborhood that he grew up in. I pictured it so many times before, and I just don’t know if it ever will be something I’m capable of doing.

Before I can say anything else, Sahim begins to fill in the silence. I don’t blame him; he was probably nervous that I haven’t said anything about his confession.

“I understand if your past is making you weary about us,” Sahim mentioned. I scrunched my eyebrows together, a bit bothered that he would bring up my past. “And I know I can’t change anything about it–“

“Yeah, you can’t,” I spat back, which catches Sahim off-guard. “You don’t know what I had to go through in order to be at the place I am now.”

“No one is questioning that,” Sahim emphasized, now seeming like he’s coming down from the cloud nine he was on. “I’m just acknowledging the fact that you carry baggage that makes you nervous about trusting people now. You deserve to be happy, Grace. You deserve to hand that baggage to your past. You are also deserving of love, and that’s all I want to show you.”

I knew Sahim is right. I know I am the only one holding myself back from truly being happy. What am I truly holding onto at this point? Jamie? For what? He was living his life now with someone he allowed to love him despite his baggage, so why can’t I? Why can’t I just let Sahim love me?

I simply leaned in to kiss him and to my surprise, he kisses me back. It was like we were both yearning for it at this point. I knew I liked Sahim more than I was leading on, and I knew that with time and allowance, I was capable of giving the love Sahim deserved too. It’s about time, Grace.

I slowly backed away from the kiss, looking at Sahim in the eyes. He’s still leaned forward, looking back at me with those honey eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Sahim said through his smile. “I believe you also had something to tell me.”

“It can wait,” I said back, going back in for a kiss.