Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, Misc.

Black Sleep Versus Billionaire: A Micah Monologue.

Tonight was fun to say the least, especially since this is the first time in a long ass time that Rosie and I were not ripping each others throats out and hung out. Watching Rosie dance along to the music during our rehearsal was cool; it made it feel like we were actually making good music for once. Also, it was nice to see someone vibe with a beat that I made for another artist without knowing it was my beat. As much shit as Rosie gives me, I sometimes think she really likes my company. I always enjoy hers.

“So, was that some unreleased stuff you guys practiced?” Rosie started off the conversation as we walked down the street. We left Tanner and Dani’s place once we started getting complaints from their neighbors, but it was also getting late and I didn’t want Rosie going home by herself in the dark. She’s wearing a whole ass ballgown for fuck’s sake.

“Yeah,” I said, looking around the neighborhood. “Dani and Tanner are the true artists; I just produce their beats and shit.”

“Yeah? How did you start doing that for artists?” Rosie asked. She was intrigued in the conversation which made me feel good.

“In high school, I was the musician for all of the vocal performances,” I explained, reminiscing about those days. “My last year of high school was also my dad’s last year teaching the vocal program there. After awhile, I just started to get those vocal majors asking me to produce beats for their senior projects and shit like that.”

“Damn, was your high-school, like, pretentious and serious like that?”

“It’s one of the top schools for performing arts in the city,” I emphasized. “Many of them go on to do big things, like dance productions, Broadway shows; someone actually got signed to a record label when I was a freshman in high school! These people are no joke.”

“Do you want to be behind the scenes of making the hits, or do you ever want to release the solo stuff you do? Like, the song you did for the ‘Welcome Back’ showcase was really good.”

“Oh really?” I asked, remembering that night. “From what I remember, you walked out in the middle of that performance.”

“Do you want the compliment or not?” Rosie rolled her eyes as she said. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“To answer your question; I prefer being in the back,” I explained. “There’s something so fascinating about the process of creating something for the intention of another artist. Dani and Tanner were the first to get samples from me on a more business level.”

“Have they always been a duo? Like, musically?” I nodded my head, answering Rosie’s questions.

“They started dating because of some assignment they had to do together in high school,” I explained. “Tanner had asked me to work with him at the time, but… well, my girlfriend at the time was the person I chose to work with.” I remember that time of my life like it was yesterday. I didn’t know much about Kalia’s life outside of school at this point, but I was still very attracted to her. Plus, her ability to the drums was very sexy.

“Ah,” Rosie reacted. “Teenage, puppy love; gotta love it.” I looked at Rosie; thankfully she didn’t know who I was talking about.

“Love just sucks now,” I added, rolling my eyes thinking about what my love life consisted of now.

“Tell me about it,” Rosie also added, kicking some of the garbage on the ground toward the street. “It’s like that shit doesn’t exist anymore.” I looked at Rosie as she spoke. Was she talking in general or by experience?

“It’s out there,” I began to say. “We’re just not looking in the right places for it.”

“You don’t look for love in places though,” Rosie corrected me. “It’s supposed to come spontaneous, when you least expect it; when you’re not looking for it.” I thought about Rosie’s words, but didn’t want to add salt to the wound. I know this applies to more than just romantic love at this point. I know she’s probably looked for love he entire life; I witness her doing so with Prescott all the fucking time. But if she knows this much about obtaining love, why does she still look for it? Is that her way of getting love if she forces it upon herself?

We finally get to Rosie’s apartment building; normally, the sidewalk is empty this time of night as the vendors are all gone by this time. I was shocked to see a car parked out front; it wasn’t a vendor though. It was the love that Rosie was talking about.

I turned around to see Rosie’s face, in which she immediately turns pale. She’s looking at him coming out of his fancy car, looking pissed off.

“Prescott?” Rosie finally says. Prescott slams the door of his fancy car shut, walking up towards her.

“Where the fuck were you?” Prescott spat out. “You’re just going to embarrass me in front of all those important people?”

“You say that all the time,” Rosie pointed out. “I got bored, so I just went out for a bit. I lost track of time-“

“When are you ever going to get it though your stupid head of yours that every time you decide to rebel or do some stupid shit, you make me look bad. Like for fuck’s sake, are you capable of being a decent, classy person? Or is that asking for too much?” My face was starting to get super hot from the immediate anger I was feeling. I wanted Rosie to deal with this on her own and stand up for herself. Instead, she’s shutting down. She’s crawling back int her shell to just allow him to treat her this way.

“Can you at least talk to her like she’s a fucking human, dude?” I finally said, not caring whether or not Rosie liked it or not. “You expect her to be a classy woman but can’t even talk to her like a decent man.”

“Don’t you have a girlfriend you should be checking on? I heard some questionable things about her time on set in that little movie of hers,” Prescott looked at me and said. “Stay out of my business and worry about yours.”

“Don’t you have a girlfriend you should be checking on?” I spat back, walking towards Prescott. “Or that girl at the party a couple of weeks ago was just your cover-up since you can’t keep a girl in your life without paying her money.”

“Micah!” Rosie finally said, walking up towards me. I don’t listen to her though; this guy needed someone to finally say it to him.

“These girls don’t owe you shit just because you pay for pussy, asshole.” I looked directly into Prescott’s eyes, showing him how a real man looks like. At this moment, I didn’t care what Rosie had to say or if I crossed a line. It was about time Rosie saw who this asshole was.

“Is that what you think I do?” Prescott laughed as he said. “Rosie; baby, you gotta start telling people the entire story… you’re not as innocent as you’re pretending to be.” Prescott then looked at me, walking up to my face, not scared of me or my confessions. “Surely you’ll stop trying to save a girl that don’t want to be saved.” Prescott walks away from me before calling out for Rosie, I look at her, hoping she doesn’t follow him.

“Rosie, don’t.”

I look at Rosie, clearly conflicted in what she should do versus what she needed to do. She was much better than this; time ad time again she has shown me that she was much more worthy and demanded it whenever he wasn’t around. She knows just how much of a shitbag he was, and I’m here to protect her. Why was she making it so hard for herself?

Rosie looks away, following Prescott back to his car. She doesn’t look back. I don’t either.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #15: The Two Instrument Cases.

In a studio in Brooklyn, Jennifer, Nicki, and Danny sit around as if they were waiting for something… or someone. Jennifer sighs, finally getting up from her seat, annoyed.

Jennifer: *to Nicki* Did he message you back?

Nicki: I keep getting his away message…

Jennifer sighs, sitting back down in her seat.

Jennifer: I’m so sorry, Andie; our guitarist is usually always on time for rehearsal.

Andie, the sound engineer, nods his head and looks back to his computer. Moments later, the studio door opens and in walks Milo.

Jennifer: Dude! Where the hell were you?!

Milo: *out of breath* Sorry, I was traveling from the city.

Nicki: But school ended 2 hours ago.

Milo drops his bookbag on the ground, followed with two instrument cases. Jennifer notices.

Jennifer: Why do you have your violin with you?

Milo: *to Jennifer* Dude, what’s with all these damn questions?

Jennifer: Because you’re an hour late to the only studio time we have, mind you recording this was your idea.

Milo: I had practice for band, so chill out.

Nicki: *chimes in* We had an after school band practice?!

Milo: No, I just did…

Milo walks into the booth with his guitar which prompts the rest of the band to enter as well. Andie begins to set up the recording equipment together. In the booth, Jennifer turns to Milo, still pretty pissed.

Jennifer: You know a simple message on AIM would’ve been fine.

Milo: I’m sorry, Pep; I lost track of time-

Jennifer: You made me look like an ass in front of my cousin’s boyfriend. Like, what if he goes back to Beatrice and is like ‘your cousin is so unprofessional’…

Milo: *annoyed* For fuck’s sake, we’re in some small studio space in Downtown Brooklyn, not in Los Angeles with a celebrity!

Jennifer: That doesn’t change the fact that you embarrassed me. dude!

Before the teens can continue, a voice is heard through the intercom.

Andie: Uhm, guys… the mics are on… whenever you’re ready…

Jennifer’s face immediately turns red. She faces forwarded in front of the microphone. The rest of the band gets ready o start recording the demo of their first single.

Andie: Alright guys, that was awesome. Take 5 an we’ll get some adlibs in there.

The band takes off their headphones and takes a breather; Milo puts down his guitar and takes a deep breath.

Danny: Hey, Milo?

Milo: *looks up* Yeah?

Danny: Do you think we can talk?

Milo: *annoyed* About what?

Danny: Nothing serious, just about the direction of the song. I think it would be dope if the bass line went over the lead in that one part where Pep’s–

Milo: *corrects* Jennifer.

Danny: Uhm… yeah. Where Jennifer is singing the bridge all low and sultry–

Milo: I don’t think that’ll sound good; it’ll be too heavy and inaudible–

Danny: We can’t at least try it out?

Milo turns around, finally facing Danny.

Milo: No offense, but you really don’t have composition rights over a song you had no part in writing, or putting together.

Danny: It’s just a suggestion, Milo.

At this point, the girls overhear the conversation; in true Jennifer fashion, she investigates.

Jennifer: What’s going on?

Milo: *dismissive* Nothing.

Danny: I just had a suggestion, but its fine.

Jennifer: What is it?

Milo: *annoyed* Pep.

Jennifer: *to Danny* We’re always looking for new ways to revamp our songs–

Milo: Since when?

Jennifer: *defensive* Since we decided to record demos for these songs. *to Danny* What was your suggestion?

Danny looked shy, not knowing what to do. Milo rolled his eyes. Nicki walks to Danny, looking up at him.

Nicki: *softly* It’s kay to share.

Danny: I had suggested that the bass and lead should switch in tone to let the vocals shine through in the bridge leading up to the final chorus.

The girls cock up their eyebrows.

Jennifer: That’s not a bad idea–

Nicki: It’ll make the piece more sultry.

Milo huffed, annoyed. He walks out of the booth to gather his thoughts. Jennifer shook her head, annoyed at Milo’s behavior. Spontaneously, she hits the button to the microphone in the booth.

Jennifer: People who are late to their own band’s recording session can’t turn down suggestions.

Milo gets up from his seat and walks over to Andie, pressing the button to the intercom.

Milo: If it’s my band, then the person that created the band does have ultimate say in how the song that he wrote goes.

Jennifer: It’s our band, and again; maybe if you cared about making it to your band’s rehearsals on time, we would actually take you a little more seriously.

Milo: *argues* I literally had band practice for school after our vocal class; at least you get to leave after your major class at the end!

Jennifer: Nobody gives a shit that you’re a dual major, dude!

Nicki ultimately moves Jennifer from the microphone; she’s had enough of the back and forth between her two friends.

Nicki: *yells* That’s enough! For once can you two just get along at a rehearsal?! I’m sick and tired of you two constantly fighting over the stupidest things! *to Milo* It doesn’t hurt to try suggestions, especially if those suggestions come from someone within our band! If you two don’t get your shit together, there’s not going to be a band anymore!

Nicki storms out of the booth and out of the studio space. Danny goes after her. Milo’s face softens as he watches Danny go and check on Nicki. His face immediately hardens once he hears Jennifer, sighing as she walks out of the recording booth.

Jennifer: Sorry, Andie…

Andie: It’s fine, I’ll be outside the room when you guys are ready to wrap up; I have to go to a doctor’s appointment with Beatrice in about an hour.

The teens don’t say anything back; Andie closes the door behind him, leaving Milo and Jennifer in the space on their own.

Milo: *sighs* Why are you always getting on my case about the smallest things?

Jennifer: Because you always get on mine.

The two teens sit in silence until Jennifer sighs.

Jennifer: I’m sorry. Can we just make things simple for us? We both got tons of shit on our plates and we should really just… start to be best friends with each other.

Milo: I would like that.

Jennifer smiles at Milo, in which he returns the smile back to her. His cellphone is seen in the side pocket of his backpack vibrating with the screen lit.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: “Blocking” is Selfish, Not Childish.

You read that right, readers. This topic doesn’t need a grandiose explanation.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am the queen of blocking people on social media.

In this day and age, social media is such a major part of our lives, which means we need to work with it in a way that best suits our needs. Because of social media, I was able to partake in a couple of communities and engage with all sorts of people with the same interests as me. Because of social media, I am able to connect with people on such a low stakes level: as someone with social anxiety, I use social media as my “social blanket” to communicate with those I would not call my IRL friends. Also, social media has shown us in recent years (the pandemic ones) that it can hold space for different types of productivity, like remote work and remote learning.

But, we are all aware of the problem social media has created. It has become its own sort of reality. You can be one person in real life, but become a completely different person online and create this false narrative of yourself to appeal to others for likes and views. People assume the lives of people just by checking their social media posts and status, not realizing that we choose what we want people to see and we choose what type of audience we want to attract. Then there’s social media content creators and influencers, but this post is about your average Joe that just scrolls social media and shit.

Because of there being such a fine line between reality and “social media world”, the internet as a whole can be as toxic and damaging as any hardcore drug or alcohol out there. It can truly be a silent way to harm your mental health if you allow it to.

For years, I’ve allowed social media to take over by life because my presence was once solely online. I did not like to go outside, I was trying to see what social anxiety looked like on me, and I was trying to find my identity as a young adult. I thought as I got older and began to heal, these social media habits of mine would go away, like checking someone’s public page that I didn’t like or had a falling out with, being nosy and seeing the type of people they associate themselves with, and yes, creating my own narrative of these people to convince myself I was doing better without them.

Of course, these are my toxic traits too: being curious and nosy about things that really had nothing to do with me. I didn’t realize this until I stumbled upon something on social media that altered the way I behaved and treated people involved in this person’s life. Life lesson #5,183: Don’t snoop around for something if you are. Or ready to be confronted with that said-something.

That’s when I started to block everyone I did not want to see floating around on mutual friend’s profiles, your “People You May Know” section, and generally wanted to pretend they don’t exist in my world.

“But Liz, you’re 30 years old; only childish people block people on social media…”

No. Selfish people block people on social media; I am a selfish person.

I am selfish with the amount of access people have for me because not everyone was once in my life is deserving to see where I’m at now. That’s not me saying I’m the shit and all of that, that’s me saying that the people who once knew me as an older version of myself and has passed judgment towards my newer versions, then why should they have access to who am I now? Why should I let these people have viewing rights of photos that have documented my growth, achievements, and life if they have no interest in getting to know me or befriend the person I am now? I always say this as a joke, but this does have some truth behind it: “you wanna see what I’ve been up to? Read my blog.

Blocking people on social media is the easiest part. Most of us block people in the height of our anger and do it to regain some control of the spiraling situation… but many of us tend to unblock just to look up these people and see what they’ve been up to since. I was one of them! After doing so for the umpteenth time since being on social media, I really had to sit back and ask myself if I was purposely setting myself up for failure or if I really wanted to fuck up my mood for the day. What good is this doing you, Liz? You know the adrenaline rush wears off once you get on that person’s page, but then what? Do you actually feel better in the end? The answer is no.

So yes; I am a selfish person. I am selfish with myself and the way I distribute myself to other people these days. I am not easily controllable or obtainable in the way I was when I was younger. I am not afraid to cut ties with people I feel no longer make me feel good or help me grow as a friend. I am not putting other people’s immediate needs before my own. I am not stripping myself of good mental health just so that I am looked at as being a “caring and thoughtful person”. Once you unlearn the negative connotation behind being “selfish” and what it truly means to be selfish, you’ll learn how to balance being there for your loved ones, but being there for yourself in the same way.

Do yourself a favor: block that person that’s hindering you from healing. I promise, you are doing the right thing.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something A Little More Official: A Grace Monologue.

“Grace,” Sonia kept calling out for me during our last stage rehearsal of the night. “See me after we’re done, please.” I took a deep breath as I felt today’s lunch swirl inside my stomach. These last couple of shows have been rough for me; injury after injury and sickness after sickness. A lot of the dancers are needing to fill in for each other, so the workload has been more than one person can handle for a couple shows a week.

Because of this, many of the dancers also left the production, whether it was my choice or not. Being as far away from home for this amount of time was starting to strain a lot of us. Many of the dancers have expressed they missed being with their families; many of them with young children that they constantly video chat during our breaks. It makes me feel bad; to sit with these women of children and to not necessarily feel the same things they do. Being in Korea hasn’t been as daunting as I thought it would be; does that make me a bad mother? Just when I think I’m enough to be considered a good parent, I see how it is to actually be a good parent.

I nodded my head as Sonia continued the rehearsal. I look over to Sahim, standing on the side of the stage looking at me with a worrisome expression on his face.

All the other dancers leave the stage for the night before Sonia is able to talk to me. I bend down to tie my sneakers; of course I would hear Sahim’s whispered voice echo just inches away from me.

“You’re okay?” Sahim asked, whispering due to how quiet the theater is now. I get up and look at Sahim; he faintly smiles to reassure me. He was great at doing so.

“Yeah,” I said, sighing. “Just waiting for Sonia to talk to me.” I crossed my arms and looked offstage toward Sonia talking to some other dancers. “What if she lets me go?”

“What?” Sahim reacted. “Why would she do something as absurd like that?”

“Look how many people left the production since opening,” I emphasized. “I feel like at this point, there’s not going to be a show left to do.”

“I can’t speak for the other dancers, but I can say that it’s all about who’s willing to work through the hardships and who doesn’t. You’re willing to work through it, clearly.” I looked out towards the audience again toward Sonia, ending another conversation with the last dancer there. She looked toward the stage at me and immediately I felt the knot sink to the pit of my stomach.

“Do you need something, Sahim?” Sonia said, looking at Sahim.

“Nope, I was just leaving,” Sahim nervously answered, clearing his throat afterward. Before he walks away, he whispers something to me. “I have to talk to you about something.” I looked up at Sahim, wondering what he meant by that. He walked away before Sonia said anything.

“Grace,” Sonia finally said, walking towards the stage.

“Hi, Sonia,” I greeted her, waiting for her to just rip the bandage off already. Once she got on the stage, she grabbed two folding chairs from the side, h anding one over to me. She sighed, which meant this wasn’t going to be a delightful conversation.

“Thank you again for speaking to me after rehearsal,” she began the conversation. “I know how valuable off-time is for a dancer.” I nodded my head, still feeling nervous. “How is Mollie doing?”

“Oh, uhm; she’s doing fine,” I answered, not expecting this to be the conversation. Sonia nods her head, adjusting herself in her seat.

“Tell her that I said hi,” Sonia said, smiling. It quickly vanished off her face once she took a deep breath. “So, we’re about half way into the production season, and we are going to change some things around considering that the production is getting smaller.” I couldn’t believe that we were already half way into the season. I feel like we just started, even though my body and exhaustion knows it’s been almost 6 months.

“Yeah,” I added in, just to let her know I was listening to her.

“We are closing the show for two weeks to revamp the production, and I want you to choreograph these two pieces we’re adding in.” My eyes widened. To say I was shocked was an understatement.

“Me?” I asked; it was the only thing I could say. Sonia nodded her head.

“Grace,” Sonia leaned in closer. “You have a natural gift in dancing, and the audience can see that. You bring something different in the way you dance, and I think it’s important that not only we envision what we think the production should look like, but how our own dancers see it too.” Sonia finally smiled at me, softening her hard exterior. “You’ll have until the end of the season to work on this project.”

“Sonia, I—“ I began to say, but she immediately looked like she was going to say something else, so I keep quiet.

“I know it’s a lot of work on top of the work you are already doing,” Sonia continued. “But I know you are going to be great. You are already great.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling at Sonia’s kind words. “It means a lot coming from someone as experienced as you.” Sonia smiled and got up from her seat, holding her hand out toward me. I got up from my seat, shaking her hand in return.

I knocked on Sahim’s hotel door, feeling giddy and excited for what’s to come after speaking to Sonia. I wanted to share the good news with him; I know he would be supportive and excited for me about this next step of my dancing career. I knocked once more; maybe he didn’t hear me knocking. Moments later, Sahim opens the door.

“Grace?” Sahim said. I smiled at him, feeling too excited to stand in one place. “Everything okay?”

“I have something to tell you,” I said, inviting myself into Sahim room.

“Yeah?” Sahim said, closing the door behind me. I went to sit on one of the chairs in his room, facing him.

“It’s about my meeting with Sonia,” I said. Sahim grabs a chair next to me, sitting across from me. He seemed a little distraught; nothing how he would normally look like on a good day. “Are you okay?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Sahim said, looking down at his hands before looking up at me. “I also have been meaning to talk to you about something as well.”

“What is it?” I asked, wondering what has Sahim feeling kind of distant. He doesn’t say anything right away. It was like he was trying to find the right way to start this conversation. Before he said anything, he simply just sighed.

“I know time isn’t truly on our side working on such a major production like this, so it truly means a lot to me whenever we are able to spend time together around the city, or even in our rooms.” I smile, thinking about all the time we did spend together while being in Korea. Sahim made it easy to spend time with him. Since we worked on the same schedule, we always had off the same time. Sahim, from what I collected, seeks adventure. He’s constantly wanting to go to these different places in the city, whether or not he truly thinks it will be a good place to hang out. It’s in his nature to go out and explore; from what he’s told me about his life in America, he’s never in one place. In a way, I related with him on that. I could never seem to stay in one place for long periods of time.

“Me too,” I added. Sahim just smiled before he continued to speak.

“I just want to know if we are on the right track,” Sahim finally admitted, looking at me. “I really like you, Grace, and I would hate to lose you once the production is over.”

“Lose me?” I asked, wondering what Sahim meant by that. “How would you lose me?”

“I just feel like since being here, we’ve both been living in an alternate reality, like we’ve been on this vacation together,” Sahim stated. “I feel like once the production is over, the high is over… life goes back to what it was before and– I don’t know. I would hate to have you so close now and then lose you when we go back to America.” I take in everything that Sahim is saying, and in all honesty: it’s a first. Every relationship I’ve been in ended in one of us leaving; in me leaving. Sahim opened his hand, revealing his palm. I put my hand into his as he gently squeezed it.

“Sahim,” I began to say, trying to formulate my own sentences now. “We have so much time left. There’s no need for you to be worried about the future.”

“I know,” Sahim added, taking a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this when the time comes, because it will seem like I’m only doing this because we have to leave…” Sahim looks me in my eyes, still holding my hand. I feel the knot getting tighter in my stomach. “Which is why I am looking to make things a little more official at this point.”

“What?” I asked, the shock visible on my face. Sahim looked embarrassed once he saw my face; fuck, no; that’s not what I wanted to say or react. I squeezed my eyes shut. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry; it’s just-“

“Grace,” Sahim interrupted an sighed. “I know it’s scary. I know getting into something serious isn’t something that wasn’t on your bucket list of things to do while being in Korea.” He smiles when he looks at me. It always felt good to see him smile every time he looks at me when he’s nervous. “It wasn’t on mine either.” We both laugh, which makes things feel less intense then they were before. “But, I seriously couldn’t help myself while being with you during our time here. And I guess that’s why I bring it up.”

I began to picture a life with Sahim as my boyfriend; living in a house outside of the city but every weekend going back for a dinner date or Broadway show. I picture him meeting Willow for the first time, meeting my family and sharing stories about his journeys before the production. I picture him waking up every morning to remind me I have a rehearsal that day; he was always good at keeping me on track. I picture me meeting his family and seeing every place in his neighborhood that he grew up in. I pictured it so many times before, and I just don’t know if it ever will be something I’m capable of doing.

Before I can say anything else, Sahim begins to fill in the silence. I don’t blame him; he was probably nervous that I haven’t said anything about his confession.

“I understand if your past is making you weary about us,” Sahim mentioned. I scrunched my eyebrows together, a bit bothered that he would bring up my past. “And I know I can’t change anything about it–“

“Yeah, you can’t,” I spat back, which catches Sahim off-guard. “You don’t know what I had to go through in order to be at the place I am now.”

“No one is questioning that,” Sahim emphasized, now seeming like he’s coming down from the cloud nine he was on. “I’m just acknowledging the fact that you carry baggage that makes you nervous about trusting people now. You deserve to be happy, Grace. You deserve to hand that baggage to your past. You are also deserving of love, and that’s all I want to show you.”

I knew Sahim is right. I know I am the only one holding myself back from truly being happy. What am I truly holding onto at this point? Jamie? For what? He was living his life now with someone he allowed to love him despite his baggage, so why can’t I? Why can’t I just let Sahim love me?

I simply leaned in to kiss him and to my surprise, he kisses me back. It was like we were both yearning for it at this point. I knew I liked Sahim more than I was leading on, and I knew that with time and allowance, I was capable of giving the love Sahim deserved too. It’s about time, Grace.

I slowly backed away from the kiss, looking at Sahim in the eyes. He’s still leaned forward, looking back at me with those honey eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Sahim said through his smile. “I believe you also had something to tell me.”

“It can wait,” I said back, going back in for a kiss.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

No Ifs, Ands, or Buts: A Sophie Monologue.

“You’re ready to learn the drums?” I hear Milo call out from down the hall. I shook my head and smiled; Milo would always remember everything he had his mind set on.

“I’m not playing the drums,” I answered, folding my arms across my chest. “We have to rehearse; the show is too close to be messing around.”

“We have time to have some fun,” Milo insisted, opening one of the rehearsal rooms in the West Wing. Most people tend to reserve rehearsal space during lunch period a lot these days; it seems like when there’s a show of some sort coming up, all the rooms are reserved.

“One drum solo isn’t going to hurt,” Milo teased, finally reaching up to me. “You already have the piece memorized and perfected; what more do you need to rehearse?” I rolled my eyes, listening to Milo talk. For someone who focuses on two majors at once, he was always so laid back about rehearsal time. Sure, he knew his music, but I felt like he didn’t take it as serious as I did. Milo doesn’t have to constantly prove himself and his talents; his status already does that. For me, I needed to constantly prove myself being in the section that was looked as a major joke at Waverly High.

“You can’t hurt getting more practice,” I simply said, walking into the rehearsal space. Milo walked in after me, setting his bookbag down on the ground and sitting on the chair next to it. I looked at him, wondering why he’s acting so… relaxed. “Are you going to practice?”

“I’m so over this piece,” Milo sighed as he said. “I just wanted to hang out with you, help you if you need it.” I scrunched my eyebrows, feeling a little bothered at Milo’s attitude.

“I’m fine,” I answered, taking out my violin from its case. I was glad that Milo had his dual major status back, but something definitely changed in Milo when he did. He still did his work and would go to all of the rehearsals needed, but the way he would act when in those rehearsals felt as if he was better than everyone else.

“Do you need me to count you into your section?” Milo asked. I looked at him, visibly looking annoyed at the situation. He definitely took notice of it. “What?”

“I said I’m fine, Milo,” I snapped back, looking down at my sheet music and placing the violin on my shoulder. I hear Milo sigh and get up from his seat.

“I really just wanted to hang out with you, Scout,” Milo admitted. “Like yeah, we hang out, but we only ever rehearse and practice for class and… I just don’t feel like doing that today.” Before I can say anything back, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I take it out quickly to see it’s my mum. I ignore the call to look back at Milo.

“Milo, we can literally be written up if we’re casually hanging out in a rehearsal room,” I began to say. “Just because you’re not in the mood to practice for the show, doesn’t mean I have that same luxury.”

“Luxury?” Milo reacted. “You think I have a luxury?” Once again, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket; it’s my mum once again calling me during school hours. I ignore it, putting the phone back in my pocket.

“Whether or not you practice, your dual major status has its privileges,” I said, upset now. “You’re not in the joker section of band class, so you don’t know how it feels to never feel like to be in my shoes.”

“Are you really listening to what Serrano said?” Milo said, laughing after asking the question. “Since when do you listen to anything that douchebag says?” My phone vibrates in my pocket once more; this time I actually picked up.

“Mum, I’m literally in school right now, what are you–“

“Ya,” my mother said, stern. “I’m in the main office. I’m taking you home.” I scrunched my eyebrows together.

“What? Mum I have a very important rehearsal today for the show, I–“

“I’m taking you home; no if’s, and’s, or but’s,” she said before hanging up. I looked at Milo; he looks more worried now than before. I began to pack my stuff up, which then made Milo start asking a million questions.

“You’re leaving? Why is your mom here?” I don’t answer Milo. I began to shove things in my bag to get out of the room faster. “Sophie?” I don’t answer him; all I can think about is why my mom is pulling me out of school all of sudden. So many things were circulating on my mind and I didn’t have time to be bothered with Milo.

I walked out of the rehearsal room; Milo quickly followed me, walking fast behind me to try to reach me.

“Sophie? Sophie?” I hear Milo continuously say behind me. You don’t have time for this, Sophie. I entered the main office in hopes that he’d get the memo and leave, but I turned around and looked at him opening the door to the main office.

“Milo, what are you–” I began to whisper at Milo, but it wasn’t log that my mother called me out by name; my Korean name.

“Soojin,” my mom said as she got up from her seat. “We have to go.” She spoke to me in Korean, which is something she only ever does when something serious is happening. It’s like she didn’t want the rest of the world to know of her issues, or hear the panic in her voice when she speaks.

“What happened?” I asked back, in Korean to keep the secrecy. My mom doesn’t answer me back, she looks over my shoulder, realizing she is looking at Milo.

“Leave,” my mom said to Milo. I quickly turned around to look at Milo; he looked terrified. He swallowed hard, but he didn’t move.

“Mrs. Lee, is Sophie–“

“Leave,” my mom said louder now, clearly getting angry. I looked back at my mom now, trying to understand what was even going on.

“Mom?” I said; it was all I could say. She grabbed her things and grabbed my hand, escorting me out of the main office, walking past Milo. “Mom! Mom!”

I turned back around to look at Milo. I wanted nothing more than for him to comfort me in this moment.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: How I “Faked It ‘Til I Made It” in Society’s Standards.

POV: It’s the mid-to-late 2000’s and you’re entering your teenage years. Hormones are at their highest, and your perspective on love is based off of teen-romance movies and TV shows where everything almost works out for the girl who crushes on the guy… because he is also crushing on her back.

But what you don’t realize is that you’re an overweight teenager, and most (if not all) of these movies and TV shows are about people who are attractive to society standards. The fat girl or guy was always the sidekick, the best friend, the one who didn’t need a man or woman because media could not (and would not) depict a fat person falling in love with someone that didn’t screw them over or pity them as a joke.

So, you grow up thinking that no one can possibly like you for how you look or if they do like you, only like you because it’s some bet or prank they are playing; you know, like they do in those movies. All the boys you ever liked were always into skinny girls, or “socially acceptable plus-size” girls; if you had a hanging stomach and somewhat of a double chin, you did not qualify to be liked by other people in a romantic aspect.

As you get older, you learn that there are people that do like bigger girls; weight was just a number on a scale to some people and truly liked people for who they were as people on the inside. But now it’s too late; you grew up in the generation that taught us that fat people were incapable of finding love without their crush having interior motives, or having fetishes of being with a fat person. Of course, there is always a side of this insecurity with every body type, but for the sake of my experience, this is about what dating and love and relationships look like from a fat girl’s perspective.

Even when you found someone who loves your body for what it is and even when you start accepting yourself in the body you carry, you still feel this desire to have a body that looks socially acceptable. You wanted to know how it felt like to casually go out shopping in a store and find something “plus sized” that actually fits your plus-sized body. You wanted to know how it felt to follow the trends but literally couldn’t because everything that was your size was either out of style or meant for middle-aged women. At the end of the day, you just wanted to feel like your body was accepted, desired, and seen.

I was over 300 pounds going into gastric bypass surgery back in 2021 and did it to feel physically better. Of course, losing weight made me feel better mentally too, but as the months (and years) passed by, I began to question if the body I had now was even “good enough”. For awhile, I experienced some sort of body dysmorphia and not completely feeling like my body was even my own to claim and accept. In some instances, I began to compare my body now and the body I once has, comparing the differences in it.

“When you were bigger, you had a bigger butt and bigger boobs; something that you were once confident about. Now, your body sags from the excess skin, you’re flat-chested, and your butt is small.”

Such great self-love talk, huh?

I had to learn (and accept) that as a society, we aren’t ever going to feel like we’re good enough, yet alone enough. Growing up in the generation where being super skinny was in and celebrities were constantly encouraging viewers to join weight loss programs, it’s hard to feel like we have our place in society, even if it has more of a progressive perspective. Also, as a person who’s been fat her entire life, its hard to unlearn these ideologies about appearance and vanity.

So, the only thing you can do is fake it until you make it.

“Faking it Until You Make It” has always been one of those things that you were told to do in order to get to places you wanted to be. It didn’t mean that you had to fake who you were and the authenticity you have; you simply needed to act like you have the confidence to take on the tasks at hand. For example, your job. Maybe you lack the social skills to work in retail, but to get through the day meant you had to put on your “retail” voice and use the knowledge you have about your job to successfully interact with customers. In society, you have to act like you have the confidence in your style, personality, and appearance in order to feel accepted within society’s standards. You have to act like you are the shit, and you have to tell yourself that there is no one else just like you in the universe because you have style, personality and an appearance that is uniquely yours. Once you feel like you are bending the standards society has set, you stop caring about what other people think of you and you start to not engage in negative self-talk as much as you used to.

This mindset doesn’t come easy, and there are still days that I feel like I was “prettier” when I was bigger. Being one thing for the majority of your life, it’s hard to not compare the last couple of years where I lost all this weight and be mentally confident in my image. This mindset challenged the things I believed me and the type of behaviors I indulged in because of my mental health; I legit had to treat my toxic traits like an external person, handling it the way I would with external beings. That’s a different story for a different day.

POV: You’re now in your 30’s, learning to love yourself in the ways you should have when you were younger, and because of that, you make it your life’s mission to nurture the various young versions of yourself, because you know that all versions of you deserve to have felt loved even when society told you you were not worthy of it.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Black Sheep & Company: A Rosie Monologue.

“So, where are we going?” I finally asked Micah as we continued to walk down the street, passing block after block. I was starting to feel the cold and feeling dumb wearing this dress outside.

“Somewhere that we could go inside and warm up,” Micah answered, looking straight ahead as we walked. He looked at me when we got to the end of the street, waiting for the light to change. “Are you in a hurry to go back to that event?” I quickly shook my head; I didn’t want to be anywhere near that snobby ass event.

“I’ve done enough socializing with stuck-up, rich people for the day,” I answered. Micah nodded his head; I felt like he understood it best when it came to sitting in an event you had no business sitting in.

“You wanna come hang out with me?” Micah asked. “Of course, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I know we aren’t the best of friends.” I rolled my eyes since I knew Micah wasn’t being completely serious when he said that.

“I guess,” I answered. “It’s my next best option, huh?” I laughed as Micah pouted. He did end up laughing right after. “So, where are we going?”

“To Dani and Tanner’s place,” Micah said. “You’ve met them before, right?”

“I haven’t,” I said, although it was somewhat of a lie. I had briefly met them months ago at Micah’s gig at the Oxygen Lounge… even though they didn’t know who I was or who I was there to see that night. Micah looked shocked.

“You’ll like them,” Micah reassured me. “They’re chill and–“

“Dani’s been your best friend since birth,” I finished his sentence. “I know of them.” Micah seemed a little shy, which made me feel a little shitty for correcting him like that.

“Sorry,” Micah blurted out. “Sometimes, I forget things I’ve said to people and shit. I just assume people don’t listen the first time around.” I was surprised that Micah felt that way; he carried the confidence that seemed like people listened. I wouldn’t have thought Micah was insecure with something like that.

Micah walks ahead of me when going up the flights of stairs in his friends’ apartment building. The building wasn’t the greatest, but it also was a decent place for a college couple to be living in. At least there’s no RA on your ass about fucking, huh? Micah stops at one of the doors at the end of the hall and knocks on it. Music can be heard playing inside of the apartment. A few minutes later, the guy opens the door, in which he gives Micah a fist pound upon entering.

“Hey man,” the guy, who I’m assuming is Tanner, says to Micah. We both enter the small apartment in which Micah begins dancing and singing along with the girl, who I’m assuming is Dani. They look like they’ve known each other since birth seeing how comfortable they are with each other. Tanner closes the door behind us and walks into the living room area. Micah tuns around and looks at me, probably realizing I was there with him.

“This is my friend, Rosie,” Micah introduced me to his friends. “She also goes to the college.”

“Nice to meet you,” Dani and Tanner said at the same time. Very much a couple thing to do. I can tell they kept looking at the fancy fucking dress I had on, which made this first time meeting Micah’s friends very awkward.

“Nice to meet you guys as well,” I bean to say before brushing down my dress. “I escaped my cousin’s Sweet 16, which explains me being this goofy ass dress.” Dani and Tanner laugh.

“I remember my sweet 16 like it was yesterday,” Dani said, now looking at Micah. “We were so stupid thinking that we were the shit at that age.”

“We still think we’re the shit at 20 though,” Micah added on. I’m glad the lie was believable enough to even bypass the real explanation. Micah looked relieved once I said it.

“So, what are you studying?” Tanner asked, sitting on the sofa next to Dani.

“Art,” I answered, sitting down in the seat next to Micah. “Well, education to become an art teacher of some sort.”

“That’s dope,” Dani added. “So you’re an artist?” I nodded my head. For some odd reason, I felt more intimidated talking to Dani than I am to Tanner; probably because of her status with Micah was more like family than friends.

“I paint and draw when I get the chance,” I explained. Dani nodded her head and got up from her seat, walking to the kitchen.

“You guys want a drink or something before we start rehearsal?” Dani shouted from the kitchen. “Rosie, you’re more than welcome to get a drink too.” I looked at Micah, a bit confused in what she meant by that. Don’t musicians drink water at rehearsal or something? Micah starts talking out a little bag of weed from his pocket, placing his phone on a lap in order to roll up.

“I’m good for now; thank you though,” I answered back.

“Rosie’s a smoker,” Micah added. I nudged him on the shoulder as he laughed. “She likes to get high like me.”

“Coincidentally, I only smoke when you’re around, so perhaps you’re just a horrible influence,” I spat back. Micah nodded his head as Tanner ‘oh-ed’ at my comeback.

“Touche, Roe,” Micah teased.

“Smoking is horrible for you anyways,” Dani chimed in. “Like how are you a musician but you smoke weed, on top of that cigarettes?” I looked at Micah, learning of the news. I didn’t know he smoked cigarettes.

“That’s because I’m not a singer, smart ass,” Micah said to Dani. She rolled her eyes and put two shot glasses in front of Micah and I. She then gives one to Tanner before sitting down.

“So this is what we’re gonna do tonight,” Dani started to say before holding up her shot glass. Micah and Tanner do the same, so it was only right that I do it with them as well… despite telling Dani I was alright. “We’re going to go over the two songs for the show next week; Micah, I need you to stay focus on the mixer–“

“The fuck you mean–” Micah said before Dani interrupted him.

“I said what I said,” Dani said in a stern tone. “Tanner, I’m gonna need that guitar to be in tune before we start rehearsal, so get it together, babe.” Dani raised her glass even higher; we all follow her along. “Let’s have fun, rock this rehearsal out, and enjoy the rest of the night.” Before I knew it, they began to chug their glasses; I immediately followed through too. I winced once the alcohol hit the bac of my throat; I wasn’t used to taking strong shots like this.

“Let’s fucking go!” Micah shouted, getting up from his seat and getting his mixer out of his bag. Dani and Tanner begin to set up for the rehearsal; I felt kind of stupid for being the only one sitting down.

“You gotta tell us the truth, Rosie,” Dani turned around and said to me. “If we sound fucked, tell us. Sometimes these two are too up their own asses to realize they aren’t perfect-” Both Tanner and Micah start to whine and complain, which makes me laugh. Micah rolls his eyes and puts his headphones on while Dani and Tanner get ready to rehearse.

The first song starts and they all seem to get really professional out of nowhere. Dani has a soft singing voice, but her strongest feature is the way she still sounds feminine as she raps. Tanner looks like your typical guitarist although has a more mellow approach to it. Micah turns into a completely different person when he performs, so I wasn’t surprised that he was any different in rehearsal. I knew people Like Micah existed in the world; the ones that throw their whole life into their passion without looking back. What set Micah aside from the others was that he was good at balancing his passion with who he was as a person. He still managed to go to class every day and still got good grades. He managed to still have a personality outside of his passion and never acted different when it came to working with other people. Sure, as a person Micah would sometimes get under my skin, but i have not met someone like Micah ever in my life and that’s saying a lot considered many people have came and left my life for the last 20 years. That’s what scares me the most.

During their rehearsal, I see my phone screen lighting up, buzzing as if someone was calling me. I looked down and see that it’s one of Prescott’s unsaved numbers. He’s probably wondering where am I.

Who cares? I swiped the phone left, ignoring his calls, accepting the havoc to come about it when I see him again.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #14: What’s your ETA?

The last school bell of the day rings, and Milo runs out of the vocal classroom. He runs up the stairs and heads towards the exit doors of the school. He looks back, hoping his friends are not behind him, looking to see where he went. He walks further and further away from the exit, ultimately deciding to hang out behind a tree. Milo takes out his Sidekick cell phone from his pocket and flips it open to check AIM. He doesn’t see Gwen online. He looks around the area one more time to see if he sees Gwen. Suddenly, his cell phone buzzes off.

Gwen: What’s your ETA?

Milo scrunches his nose, confused in Gwen’s choice of words.

Milo: uhm… now? i’m behind the tree out front.

Milo looks up from his phone once he sends the message. He sees Gwen exiting the school, looking around for Milo. Milo comes out from under the tree and waves his hand.

Milo: *waves* Gwen!

Gwen notices Milo and begins to walk in his direction. She’s carrying her violin case on one shoulder, and her backpack on the other. She finally reaches up to Milo, in which she immediately drops her bag on the grass.

Gwen: Why are you behind this tree?

Milo: *nervous* I didn’t want to get in the way with everyone coming out of class.

Gwen nods her head, ultimately believing in Milo’s story. Milo quickly clears his throat.

Milo: So, you want to rehearse in one of the rehearsal studios downtown?

Gwen: There’s studios we can go to?

Milo nods.

Milo: They’re free for Waverly students; how do you think we all get our work done?

Gwen: *laughs* I guess you got me there.

Milo smiles as he and Gwen continue to walk down the street, towards the bus stop.

Gwen: Do you live around here?

Milo: Oh, no. I live in Brooklyn.

Gwen: *shocked* You travel all the way from Brooklyn to go to school? Why not go to a school closer to where you live?

Milo and Gwen stop in front of the bus stop, standing near the sign.

Milo: Because it’s Waverly High, the top school of performing arts between the 5 boroughs. Do you live near the school?

Gwen: Sort of. I live near the Brooklyn Bridge.

Milo: *teases* Why not go to a school closer to where you live?

Gwen: *deadpans* Ha ha. *teases back* Because it’s Waverly High, the top school of performing arts between the 5 boroughs.

Milo laughs out loud, surprised that Gwen was witty and funny like this.

Milo: Was Waverly your first choice?

Gwen: Actually, it was a STEM school in Midtown. I wanted to study biochemistry, but the placement exam was nearly impossible to pass.

Milo: Now that’s saying a lot since you’re, like, a genius in Biology.

The bus finally reaches the bus stop, in which Milo lets Gwen get on the bus first. Once they board the bus, it drives towards uptown.

Shortly after, Milo and Gwen get off of the bus and walk down the street. Gwen breaks the ice.

Gwen: How did you get into the dual major program?

Milo looks at her, thinking about what to say. They make it to the studio space before Milo gets the chance to answer Gwen back. Both teens enter the lobby of the space; Milo walks directly to the front desk.

Front Desk Man: Nice seeing you again, Milo.

Milo gives a hand pound to the front desk man.

Milo: Another month, another assignment to practice for.

The front desk man laughs and looks over at Gwen. Milo looks at him, then to Gwen.

Milo: This is Gwen, one of my bandmates.

Front desk man: Oh! *to Gwen* Are you new to the band?

Gwen looks at the man, confused. Milo clears his throat before speaking.

Milo: Oh, my band class in school.

The front desk man nods his head, now understanding. He hands Milo one of the passes to a rehearsal studio room.

Front desk man: Have a good rehearsal, you two.

The two teens thank the front desk man and walk away, towards their studio room for the afternoon. Milo opens the door and lets Gwen walk into the space first; he then follows behind her.

Gwen: It seems like you’re well known in this place.

Milo: *shy* Yeah… I really only practice in this space.

As Milo begins to set up, Gwen stands there, watching him.

Gwen: Are you also in a band?

Milo: Yeah, band class–

Gwen: *crosses her arms* I meant an extracurricular activity band.

Milo: Oh! Uhm… I am.

Gwen’s eyebrows cock up, surprised.

Gwen: That sounds exciting. Do you do both vocal and guitar playing?

Milo: Just lead guitar. We have a lead singer, a bassist, and a drummer.

Milo places a seat and music stand in front of Gwen before returning to where his case is. He sits down and looks at Gwen.

Milo: We have a show next weekend if you want to come and see us perform.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back; instead, she takes her violin out of her case, followed by her music. Milo begins to do the same.

Milo: *clears throat* So, what piece are you having difficult with?

Gwen: The Bellisima No. 27 in C Minor…

Milo flips through his sheet music, then looks at Gwen’s sheet music.

Milo: So this piece just starts off with a little vibration from the bow…

Milo buts his bow against his violin and plays the starting note. Gwen listens on.

Milo: The placement of your fingers matter when you play that first note because it’s in the minor key.

Milo places Gwen’s fingers on the correct string on her violin; Gwen watches on, but nothing is said afterwards/ Milo immediately takes his hand away, showing Gwen where to place her fingers by demonstrating on his violin.

Milo: Like this.

Gwen plays the starting note, which Milo nods excitingly.

Milo: Exactly!

Gwen smiles and continues to play the piece. Milo watches on, correcting her if she makes any mistakes while playing it. To Milo’s surprise, she plays the rest of the piece without any hiccups. Once Gwen is finished, Milo claps his hands.

Milo: That was great! It didn’t seem like you had any trouble with this piece.

Gwen: *shy* Thanks… It’s really that first note that messes me up, and I would hate to be that sour note in the class that doesn’t catch on with everyone else, y’know?

Milo: I understand. *smiles* You’re still pretty good though, probably one of the best in our section.

Gwen: No, that title is yours.

Milo blushes, he’s caught off-guard with Gwen’s compliment.

Milo: Thanks.

Nothing is said between them, the only sound in the room is Milo’s ringtone going off every two seconds. Milo grabs his phone from his bag and flips it open.

Pep: What’s your ETA, dude? Band practice started like 20 minutes ago.

Milo: *under his breath* Fuck.

Milo begins to frantically pack his stuff; Gwen looks at him, confused.

Gwen: Is everything okay?

Milo: Uhm, yeah… I just lost track of time and have to get going…

Gwen: Oh… okay…

Milo packs his stuff and puts his bookbag on, running towards the door.

Milo: *shouts* I’ll see you in school!

Closing the door behind him, Gwen stands in the middle of the room. The smile she once had on her face has vanished.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

A Dual Major Girl: A Mollie Monologue.

Today, I decided to go to the lunch room to grab lunch instead of going to a rehearsal room to practice the choreography from my dance academy. Jennifer has had me working overtime in the studio learning this dance for this showcase; I didn’t realize that the time of year for Jennifer’s annual open house showcase was here. I feel like I had at least a couple of months before that showcase performance. On top of that, Mr. Kamalani had us doing some after-school rehearsals for the show coming up. I felt like I had no time to actually sit down and enjoy some down time.

I sat at the table I would normally sit at lunch whenever I went; usually, Milo and I would sit together and talk about anything that we could possibly think of. I sometimes miss those days. Sometimes, I wish I had my best friend back; the one that made sure we always hanged out at lunch and after school. I don’t remember the last time I even spoke to Milo outside of being at some stupid family gathering.

I see everyone sitting with their friends at different lunch tables, which reminds me why I don’t come here in the first place. I threw out my lunch tray and walked out of the lunchroom.

I figured I’d practice this dance routine before rehearsal tonight; I was tired of Jennifer constantly outing me in the rehearsal because I was one or two steps behind everyone else. I put my headphones on and begin to play the music to the dance. I immediately begin to dance and allow the music to take over my body. For someone that hasn’t been in rehearsals regularly, I was able to memorize the dance really quick. As soon as I engulf myself into the dance and music, I hear a knock on the door through my headphones. I jump up, looking towards the door. I sighed when I realize that it was Aaron looking into the small window of the door. Gosh, how much did he see?

I opened the door for Aaron but he doesn’t say or do anything. I felt nervous, and quite sick to my stomach after dancing on a full stomach of lunch food.

“Everything alright?” I quietly asked. Aaron still didn’t say anything, but he walked into the rehearsal room and closed the door behind him. “Aaron?”

“Mols,” Aaron finally said, still looking as if he was shocked. “You can dance?” Fuck. He did see me.

“How much did you see?” I asked, hoping he says only a little bit.

“I was going to sit with you at lunch until you walked out,” Aaron began to explain. “I saw you came into the rehearsal room and that you just started dancing. I didn’t want to disturb you, or even stop you.” He smiles before he continues with his thought. “I didn’t know you could dance like that.”

“Dance like what?” I asked, beginning to feel a bit exposed and overwhelmed at the attention.

“Dance better than the actual dance majors at Waverly,” he answered. “Seriously, why didn’t you tell me you could dance?”

“It never came up,” I said, turning off my headphones and placing them back in my bag. “Dance is something I do outside of school. I don’t like doing it other than on my own timing.”

“Why didn’t you apply for the dual major program? You would’ve would’ve been the best of the best at Waverly.”

“I didn’t want to,” I said, not wanting to go into detail about this anymore. “I chose vocal.” Aaron sits me down on the bench against the wall.

“I’m not saying that you aren’t a good vocalist; you know I think you’re the best, but what I just saw you do just now… it was completely different than what you do in vocal.” I look at Aaron, taking in everything that he’s telling me. It meant a lot that Aaron thought I was a good dancer and that he was being genuine about it. Aaron’s opinion mattered to me, not because of how I felt about him, but he was also very talented himself… and of course because I liked him.

“How long have you been dancing?” Aaron asked.

“Since I was very little,” I said, loosing up a bit now. “I danced before I sang, that’s the crazy part.”

“So, why did you pick vocal as your major?” He kept questioning me. I know Aaron is trying to understand the situation as much as most people try to. I couldn’t bring myself to tell the truth to them; instead I would lie and say that I like to sing more than dance. My knowledge of vocal is what really saves my ass; I at least know what I’m talking about and know what I’m doing. Thank that to Milo.

“The truth?” I started to say, facing Aaron on the bench now. “I couldn’t afford the program. The dance program is the one program that costs the most to be in because of the constant competitions and costume changing.”

“Did you audition for the program at least?”

“I auditioned for both vocal and dance,” I admitted. “I got accepted into both.” No one knows that; not even Milo.

“Wait, what?” Aaron reacted, shocked by the news. “You were gonna be in the dual major program, but—“

“Couldn’t afford it,” I finished Aaron’s sentence. “So, I settled with vocal. I hate putting it like that, but it’s the truth. Like I love vocal, but—“

“Your heart is in dance,” Aaron was now the one finishing my sentences. I simply nodded, confirming the fact. Aaron sighed, readjusting in his seat. “Sorry for forcing you in the band. I didn’t know you had your heart set on something else.”

“Are you kidding me?” I quickly said. “I love being in the band. It’s different and—I don’t know—I have so much fun being free like that.” Aaron smiled at me; it has to be the biggest one I’ve seen on his face.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Aaron said. He leans in and gently kisses my forehead. “So do I have the pleasure in seeing your dance routine in full?” I smiled sweetly at him, tilting my head as I tasseled his hair with my hand.

“Of course; at the showcase next week,” I teased Aaron. Aaron playfully rolled his eyes as I laughed out loud. Thank you for saving me from my own thoughts.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something I’m Not Willing to See Change About You: A Jamie Monologue.

I have to admit something.

Something possessed me one Sunday night to go to Grace’s show again. The night I left my mom’s house I felt uneasy. I was driving along the road back toward the city, thinking about the night I first saw her dance. The first time was coincidental; I didn’t mean to go to her show. I didn’t know that out of all of the shows playing in Korea, I would end up going to her show. The initial shock of seeing her the first time made me realize that I didn’t remember the entirety of the show. This time, I wanted to actually see the show.

Before the venue doors opened, all of today’s viewers stood in the lobby, grabbing drinks and talking among each other. I wish that I wasn’t here in secret, maybe then I’d be more inclined to enjoy the night.

“Are you gonna miss me when I make it big in the dance industry?” Grace playfully asked, grabbing a French fry off of my plate.

“What do you mean ‘miss’,” I started to answer. “I’m going to be at every show when you do.”

“You’re willing to watch the same show 100 times, over and over again? That’s boring,” Grace scoffed.

“I am willing to watch you dance all 100 of those times,” I said, smiling at Grace. Her face gets red, blushing before she’s able to say anything back.

“Well,” Grace started to say as she twirled the straw of her drink. “Dreams are meant to be dreams.”

“Not for you, though,” I reassured Grace. “You’re resilient, and that’s something I’m not willing to see change about you.”

The show begins and I vaguely remember how it opened. Every dancer is immensely talented yet they all effortlessly work well with each other to create art on stage. I didn’t appreciate the craft until Grace introduced me to it, showing me the different style of dance and even some of her own home videos from when she was younger. I appreciate the technicality behind each dance step. It wasn’t a shock that she was so articulate as a lawyer; she was born articulated and detail oriented.

Shortly after, Grace comes out for her solo. She’s confident now; she has mastered the dance after doing it for quite some time now. She’s more animated now, telling more of the story through her body and facial expressions. She frowns and smiles and closes her eyes all in the right places; it’s like it’s a completely new dance. Once her solo was over, she got the reaction from the crowd like it was the first night all over again: standing ovation and cheering. I do the exact same.

After the show, everyone starts to exit the theater. I tried to leave as soon as the show ended’ I didn’t want to take the risk of being seen by Grace or anyone else near the venue. I was almost out of the clear until my phone began to ring. I took my phone out of my pocket and see that it’s Kevin calling.

yeoboseyo?” I answered.

Hyung,” Kevin responded. “JooAh and I just got into town, we’ll be at your place in about an hour.”

“It’s okay,” I said, looking around the theater. “I’m currently running errands, but I’ll be home before you guys get there…I’ll see you then.” I hung up the phone after saying bye to Kevin, quickly putting the phone in my pocket. I’m almost out of the venue, but to my surprise I hear my name being called. Fuck.

I slowly turned around and see Sahim waving his hand. As a reflex, I waved back, but fully processing the fact that Sahim was the one that recognized me and called out my name. I didn’t realize just how involved he was in the show, I didn’t realize just how much time he and Grace had spent between rehearsals and off-days from the production.

Sahim began walking up to me, in which I throw on the most fake smile I can think of.

“Hey man,” Sahim greeted me, giving me a hand pound. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

“Yeah,” I began to say, trying to come up with a convincing lie to tell. “Shawn had recommended that my girlfriend and I see the show… she’s in the bathroom right now.”

“Ahhhh, really? Did you like the show?” Sahim asked.

“It was great,” I politely said. “All of the dancers were amazing on stage.”

“Yeah, they all worked really hard to be here,” Sahim agreed before placing his hand on my shoulder. “If you and your girlfriend would like to grab dinner with Grace and I, you totally can.” I immediately shook my head, not because Haram actually wasn’t with me tonight, but he had just invited my girlfriend and I to a double date with him and my ex-girlfriend. I felt the bile rise up my throat.

“No, no, it’s okay,” I quickly said, trying to change the subject. “My girlfriend and I are meeting up with our friends, so…”

“Of course, man,” Sahim said, patting the spot on my shoulder that he was previously touching. “I’m glad you enjoyed the show.” I nodded my head and said goodbye to Sahim. I quickly headed for the exit, hoping Sahim wasn’t looking in my direction. I took a look back to see if he was; thankfully he was already talking to someone else. I walked out the exit.

“You’re okay, JooAh?” Haram asked, pouring hot water into a mug with a tea bag for her.

“Yes, thank you,” JooAh answered, slightly bowing out of respect. Kevin walks into the kitchen area with a purse in his hand; JooAh’s I’m assuming. He hands it over to his very pregnant girlfriend and kisses her on the forehead.

“Sorry for the scare,” JooAh began to say. “Sometimes the flare ups are worse than others.” Kevin has told me that JooAh’s pregnancy has been rough for the both of them; it’s the reason why we don’t get to see them as much anymore. I’m glad that when we do, we’re able to just go with what comes at us, and I’m glad Haram is able to help out.

“Why don’t we go into the living room and catch up,” Haram said to JooAh. “Let the men catch up in the kitchen.” JooAh nodded her head and got up from her seat. Haram helps her get into the living room as Kevin watches. Once the women are out of the room, Kevin lets out a deep sigh.

“Everything okay, Kevin?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he simply said, now looking at me. “It’s been a roller coaster for us these last couple of months.” I nodded, letting Kevin talk. “How about you? Have you seen Shawn yet?”

“Yeah,” I said. “He and Skylar left for Seoul a couple of weeks ago.”

“He introduced her to his family?”

“Yeah, and from what he excitedly said, his family likes her a lot,” I smiled as I said. “I’m happy for him; he deserves it.” Kevin didn’t say anything back; I have been the moderator between Shawn and Kevin for the last couple of months, ever since we left California last summer. Although they both have been in really good places in their relationships, they still haven’t spoken to each other. “I think he’s going to propose to Skylar while they’re here.

Mwo?” Kevin asked, shocked. “So soon?”

“You know Shawn,” I began to say. “Shawn is going to do things the way Shawn does them.

“Despite what he may think about me, I can say that Skylar is good for him,” Kevin admitted.

“I agree,” I said, taking a deep breath. Kevin kept looking at me as if he was waiting for me to say more about this topic. “What?”

“Do you keep in touch with Grace?” Kevin nonchalantly asked. “You know, since you keep in touch with Shawn and Skylar…”

“No,” I quickly said, forcing the lie to roll off my tongue. “The last time we spoke was the ngiht before leaving California. Things got messy.”

“Weren’t things with Grace always messy?” Kevin scoffed. I tried to not react to his comment; I was supposed to be completely over Grace… I am completely over Grace. “You seem a lot happier these days, Hyung. I’m glad that you were able to move forward with your life after everything that woman put you through.” That woman. I grind my teeth together to keep my mouth.

“Let’s go and sit with the women,” I got up from my seat, walking towards the living room area.