Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

The Black Sheep’s Freestyle: A Micah Monologue.

liz

This was the first time I went to a girl’s house that didn’t result in us making out or fucking; yet alone with my DJ equipment in my bag. I don’t know what was the sudden change in Rosie’s liking to me, but I didn’t want to question it. Maybe she finally dumped that lower and is now seeing shit clearer. I know that wasn’t the case, and I didn’t want to put my hopes up for her in that situation anymore. Every time Rosie and I end up being in a good place, that asshole comes around and ruins everything.

I can’t lie, seeing Rosie walk away from me toward Prescott that night was the last straw. I went home feeling exhausted from the night I had. I was mentally exhausted from the constant thoughts of Rosie with Prescott. I couldn’t help but worry about her; what if he does something stupid tonight and I let that asshole just take her away? What if I’m responsible for whatever happens to Rosie since I was the last person she was seen with? I was glad to see Rosie come up to my table at the study lounge the other day simply for the reason that she was okay. But, I had to realize tat Rosie is an adult, and I can’t control her or influence the decisions she makes. I can only really be her friend, and although friends support each other’s stupid fucking decisions; I am not making it known anymore that her being with Prescott bothers me.

Again, who am I to her to even be influential?

I finally arrived at Rosie’s place; it doesn’t bring the greatest of memories being here. Rosie doesn’t live in the greatest side of the neighborhood, and quite frankly her apartment is just this big, open space of nothing. But, I understand her logic of wanting to live in her own place; she just wanted to live a normal life after living an uncommon one back home. I began to walk up the 10,000 steps toward her front door, instantly becoming out of breath when I reach the top. I knocked on Rosie’s door before she quickly answered it. She looked at me like I had 2 different heads on my body.

“Dude,” Rosie said, opening her door wide so that I can enter. “Did you marathon from your place to mine or some shit?”

“No,” I began to say, trying to catch my breath. “But try walking up your Great Wall of China steps with this heavy ass equipment.” I set my bag down on the ground.

“It’s good exercise,” Rosie added before closing her front door. I looked around her apartment as I started to take my equipment out of my bag. It looks a lot different than the first time I was in her; it actually is starting to look like an apartment of a college student. “You want something to drink? Alcohol is not an option.”

“You’re really against drinking, huh?” I asked, watching Rosie take out a water bottle from the fridge.

“Nothing good comes out of a person when they drink,” Rosie explained as she handed me the bottle. “You either say some dumb shit or puke up some dumb shit. I didn’t take you to be such the drinking type.”

“I’m not,” I corrected Rosie, plugging in the wires of the mixer. “I’m a social drinker.”

“Isn’t everyone under those standards?” she pointed out. I rolled my eyes at Rosie as she laughed.

“I think you just answered your own dumb question,” I teased, setting the laptop and Bluetooth speaker. Rosie crossed her arms as she stepped back, looking at the setup.

“You have to do this for every gig you do?” I nodded my head, opening the program up on my laptop. “That’s annoying.”

“That’s why thy tell you to get there an hour before the gig starts,” I explained. “It takes like an hour for everything to be set up.” I plugged in the LED lights, turning Rosie’s apartment to our very own nightclub setting. Rosie cocked her eyebrows at the lights began to circulate around the room.

“So, have you’ve been working on new music for yourself?” Rosie asked. “I know you’ve been busy making stuff for Dani and Tanner.”

“Actually,” I started to say, queueing up the next song. “I was working on this remix and was going to put it out sometime this week.” I began to play the remix from the speaker, bumping my head to the beat. I look up at Rosie, sitting with her legs crossed on top of her couch and also bumping her head. It made me feel good knowing that someone like Rosie, aka the type of person that solely only listens to a specific genre of music, was enjoying the mix I created.

“Dude, this song was legit my childhood,” Rosie mentioned as he danced along. “Doing all the dumb TikTok dances in elementary school.”

“Me too!” I excitingly said, bouncing my body to the bass of the song. Rosie started to really get into the mix, singing along to the lyrics with her cellphone acting as a pretend microphone. I got up from behind the mixer and began singing along with her. We both began to just dance around Rosie’s apartment; the LED lights flashing along the walls and the music blasting from the speaker. It felt like it was our private party; no one but us two just having a good time vibing out.

I enjoyed seeing this side of Rosie; the one where she’s happy and fun and lets loose. Her curly hair bounces with every jump she made. She would make a great hype girl, that’s for sure. In this moment, I was dancing along to my new song with my best friend. Rosie had been my best friend for awhile now, but I didn’t know if Rosie considered me to be her best friend. But, something tells me I am. I wonder just how many people have seen Rosie like this: carefree and energetic and happy. Even I haven’t seen her this happy in the couple of months I’ve known her. I’m glad she trusts me enough for her to be this vulnerable.

The song comes to an end, and Rosie eventually walks to the table to grab her water bottle and catch her breath. I do the same, waiting for her to say something.

“That was so fucking fun,” Rosie finally said, taking a sip of her water. “And that track is dope as fuck. Are your performing it at a gig or something?” She’s so fucking excited; it’s great.

“Nothing lined up yet, but for sure after seeing the reaction it got you,” I mentioned.

“You should throw a party,” Rosie suggested. “Like a party for all the 2010 babies, play music from our childhood and shit. I think it’ll be fun!” I took what Rosie suggested into consideration. Sure, I did gigs at other people’s parties, but it would be cool to throw one of my own.

“You know, that’s not a bad idea,” I said. “It’s actually a pretty good one. Have some performers do a segment and shit, and then just have all of us party all night.”

“Dude, you can even have the party here,” Rosie pointed out. I looked around her apartment once more. It wasn’t like her apartment wasn’t good; it was more so the entire layout of it.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude in your home, Roe,” I said, walking back to the mixer to find the next song to play. “I could fin some studio to do it in.”

“And spend more money than you need to?” Rosie questioned. “Come on.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said, playing the next song. “This song would definitely make an appearance at that party though.”

“Dude!” Rosie said, excited. “Yo, I haven’t heard this song in literal decades; how the fuck did you find this?”

“An artist never reveals its secrets,” I teased, turning the turntable to create noticeable scratching noises on the track. “But if you really wanted to know; my brain is just one huge repertoire of music.”

“Only a pretentious artist would give an answer like that,” Rosie said before nudging me in the shoulder. She laughed before she started to dance in the middle of her apartment. I like seeing Rosie like this, if I haven’t mentioned so already. I like this Rosie. I like Rosie like this.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Personal “Boss Battle” of Life.

liz

If you follow me on my personal account on Instagram, you will notice how unserious I am about posting on the platform. Sure, my pictures are edited to fit a certain vibe that I’m going for, but once you click on that highlighted circle around my profile picture, you will see just how stupid and silly I can be. One hour, I could post something relatable about my job; the next hour I could post myself blasting music in my house and dancing along to the song.

You could almost say that I am a completely different person on the internet. Not a catfish, but maybe like a personality catfish.

I say that because in person, I’m not as outgoing as I seem to be on social media. I am pretty reserved in person; I get nervous talking to people in general, I don’t say much when I’m in a crowd, and like any person with any level of social anxiety, I am constantly thinking about the things I shouldn’t do or say for the sake of people judging me or making fun of me.

It’s a very backwards ideology: to not give a shit about what people think or say on the internet when I’m being my authentic self versus being self-conscious in person because I’m afraid of people seeing me in a weird or negative light, right? Well, it’s much simpler than you think.

Hi, my name is Liz, and my own personal ‘boss battle’ of life is unapologetically being myself in real life.

For most of my 2os, I fought myself a ton when it came to finding my identity and embracing what it looked like on me. From being just a student to then being a person in society to being a a part of various online communities, I spent the last decade really trying to figure out what it was that I wanted out of life and for myself. Now just starting my 30s, I have a better idea on the things that feeds my soul ad what truly makes me happy as a person.

I know that I like my alone time. I like to be my own company, I like to take on projects by myself, and possibly the most odd thing of them all is that I prefer to go to events (like concerts) buy myself. I’ve accepted the fact that for the most part I am very introverted, but I also can’t help the fact that I tend to have these extroverted tendencies. What I mean by that is that at a party, I want to get up from my seat and dance to the music playing. When I’m in a circle of people that I am comfortable being in, I want to be more vocal and speak out in conversation. It’s like I am introverted by nature, but my personality is more extroverted.

I can’t help but feel insecure whenever I feel like my introverted side traps me inside this box. Am I a drag to be around because I don’t say much in conversation or if I’m terribly shy? Do people feel awkward around me when I feel awkward in a social setting? If I decide to do something that is outside of my normal introverted nature, will people looks at me differently or judge me for doing something they normally wouldn’t see me do? All these things roam around in my head whenever I am in a social setting, so I tend to force myself to be the version that society knows me as. Quiet. Shy. Let other people speak for me. Sometimes awkward as fuck.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to finally allow myself to be the person I am behind closed doors. I want to show people how funny I can be, how silly and random and carefree that I am while giving a shit that I may be weird or over the top. I think back to the girl I was growing up in the late 90s and early 2000s: Always outgoing and talking to everyone, being my true self and not caring about those poking fun at me and if they did, I addressed it. I think back to my younger self a lot when I think about my potential to be more outgoing in real life; I even look up to my childhood self for inspiration to do so.

I guess this is ultimately what I consider my video game “boss battle” of life. I still have to level up in my skills in order to enter this battle stage as ready as I can be. I still have all these side quests that need to be completed that will teach me new techniques and moves to use once I enter the boss battle. Yes, I will fail and yes, each heart I lose in the process will make me weary about even trying again afterwards, but with enough practice and understanding of the different levels, I will be able to finally get to that boss battle. In this sense, I still have to put myself out there in ways that will make me uncomfortable at first. I still have to try and fail and learn different ways to get past this belief that my authentic self is “too much” for people to see. I still have to challenge myself in smaller settings and give myself side tasks to accomplish in order to conquer the boss battle task. I will have tons of work to do in hopes that I will one day be okay with showing my extroverted side to other people outside of the internet.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

Mollie’s Advocate: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

If there was one thing I was good at, it was constantly getting myself in trouble at school to the point that I seemed to always be grounded. For my mom, the best punishment was sending me off to my dad’s house for the weekend not because he was the stricter parent by any means, but there was absolutely nothing I can do at his house for entertainment. I always kept to myself whenever I was at my dad’s house, so I guess my mom knew where to send me for my punishment.

I heard a light knock on my bedroom door before it slowly opened. My dad enters my bedroom to check on me.

“Hey, Mollie; you’re feeling okay?” he asked, bringing in a plate of food. I don’t answer him, I just watch him out the plate on the small desk located next to my bed. “Gina made dinner if you’re hungry.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said, picking the nail polish off of my fingernails. “I don’t like pork chops anyway.” My dad put the plate on the desk before sitting at the edge of my bed, letting out a sigh.

“Mollie, I’m not here to make your time a bad one,” he started to say. “Your mom just thought it was best if you stayed here for the weekend, cool off from everything that’s been happening at school.”

“I’m fine,” I said, annoyed to still be having this conversation with my dad. He sighed loudly, which is what he did when he ran out of ideas to try to make me feel better.

“You know you can always come out of your room if you don’t want to stay in here,” my dad said before getting up. “You’re grounded, but not a prisoner.”

“Aren’t those the same things?” I said under my breath. He doesn’t hear it, thankfully. He closes he door behind him and I flop back onto the bed, annoyed that I have nothing to do and cant do anything about it. I guess the only reasonable thing to pass the time is my homework, I guess. I stared to take out my books from my bookbag until I heard something hit against my window. I quickly turned around, seeing someone outside on the fire escape. I quickly noticed it was Aaron as soon as he began waving at me. I walked to the window and opened it. Aaron had a huge smile on his face.

“Aaron?” I asked as if he wasn’t actually sitting on the steps out here. “What are you doing here?”

“You know, I’m starting to believe you’re more of the Rockstar than me,” Aaron began to say. “True Rockstars are badasses.”

“Being grounded does not make a Rockstar,” I debated. “It makes me a person that got caught doing bad things.”

“About that,” Aaron pointed out. “Thank you for sticking up for me in vocal when Kamalani was trying to call me out. No one has ever stood up for me like that before.”

“He was being an ass,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “He can get like that.” Aaron looked more annoyed than anything at this moment; it made me wonder if I said the wrong thing.

“Why are you even still friends with him?” He finally asked me. “I feel like he doesn’t even treat you like a friend.”

“It’s complicated,” I simply said, shifting in my spot. “Me and Milo’s friendship is complicated, to say the least.”

“That doesn’t sound convincing,” Aaron noted, sighing afterward. I didn’t want to get into it with Aaron; all I wanted to was for Aaron to just let it go and talk about something else with me. “Is he, like, an ex-boyfriend or something?”

“Ew, no,” I quickly said, swallowing the bile that came up.

“Then why is he so hung on you being with me?” Aaron asked himself more than me at this point. I was getting annoyed. It was bad enough I was already grounded because of Milo, and it was even worse that I couldn’t spend my weekend hanging out with Aaron and rehearsing with the ban. “Like we were supposed to have band practice for the show in two weeks and it just sucks that you’d let him just–“

“For fuck’s sake, Milo isn’t just some random ass guy who I befriended,” I shouted without being too loud. “Milo and I are related, Aaron. Like my sister is married to his dad type of related.” Aaron doesn’t say anything back as if he’s trying to find the right words to say. “Are you satisfied now?”

“That makes it even worse, Mols,” Aaron finally said, scrunching his eyebrows. “He treats you like shit because he knows that no matter what, you’ll be at family gatherings and all that stupid shit. Just because you’re family doesn’t mean you have to respect them when they don’t respect you back.” This time, I don’t say anything back; I just let Aaron talk. “You know he accused you for ‘stealing’ his sheet music for me when he didn’t have it in class the other day?”

“What?” I simply said being caught so off-guard. “He said that to you?”

“He did,” Aaron confirmed. “I didn’t understand how someone who calls themselves your best friend would accuse you of stealing. I don’t understand how someone can say that, and then a couple of periods later pretty much call you a bitch. That’s not cool.” I felt myself caving in. I thought maybe Milo just had a problem with Aaron, but for him to also talk shit and accuse me of stealing… all I did was borrow Milo’s music for Aaron, but he didn’t have to know that.

Aaron reached for my hand, closing his palm into mine. I looked at him, trying to keep a strong face on. I am suppose to be the true rockstar in this relationship.

“Thank you, Aaron,” I said through a tiring smile. “For even coming here to see me when I’m grounded. No one has ever done that before.”

“I’m a certified Mollie Advocate,” Aaron teased and smiled. “I’ll always be on your side.” As soon as I leaned in to kiss him, I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

“Fuck, I gotta go,” I panicked, going back into my room and closing the window. I quickly closed the curtain and hopped into the bed, trying to look as miserable as possible. My dad walked into my room and I looked up, pretending I didn’t realize he was there. He stood there with a small dessert plate and fork.

“Don’t tell your mom I gave you this,” he said, putting the cheesecake down on the desk. I looked up at him as he turned around to leave my room.

“Thanks, dad,” I said. He turned around and smiled at me before shutting the door behind him. Once he did, I turned around toward my window to pull the curtain away. I was hoping Aaron was still there. He wasn’t.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #17: Awkward Gwyneth Conversations.

liz

It was the lunch period of the freshman class of Waverly High. While everyone walks towards the end of the hall to go up to the lunchroom, Milo walks towards the West Wing where the rehearsal rooms are located. He looks through the window of each door before he finally sees Gwen in one of them with her violin. He knocks, which makes her jump up in place. She gets up to open the door.

Gwen: You nearly scared me to death looking through the window.

Milo: Sorry, I didn’t mean to!

The room goes silent for a moment. Awkward.

Gwen: So, what brings you here?

Milo: *nervous* Oh, uhm; I wanted to see if you wanted to rehearse during our lunch period; I figured you were in one of the rooms already.

Gwen: Oh… you don’t have to rehearse with me if you don’t want to. I know you probably would rather rehearse with your bandmates.

Milo: *confused* You are one of my bandmates though.

Gwen: I mean your extracurricular activities band…

The light bulb goes off in Milo’s head.

Milo: Oh! My band; we don’t rehearse during school hours. I actually wanted to rehearse for today’s class with you if that was okay… with you…

Gwen doesn’t say anything. She scoots over so that Milo can bring a music stand and chair next to her. He does just that without saying anything to her.

Gwen: Uhm, Milo?

Milo: Yeah?

Gwen points to Milo’s bookbag.

Gwen: You don’t have your violin case with you to practice.

Milo looks down and notice that Gwen is correct; he does not have his case with him.

Milo: Shit, I must’ve left it in my locker before going to class last period.

This made Gwen laugh. Milo sighed in relief.

Gwen: *puts violin away* I don’t want to rehearse with you just sitting here–

Milo: No, no! You could still rehearse if you wanted to–

Gwen: It’s fine–

The two teens go silent after talking over each other. Another awkward silence.

Milo: So…

Gwen: *giggles* Milo, it’s fine if you want to go to lunch–

Milo: Oh no, I don’t go to the lunchroom to eat lunch.

Gwen: You bring your own lunch?

Milo: I don’t eat lunch at all.

Gwen: *worried* Milo, you have to eat during the day!

Milo: I do eat!

Gwen: *crosses her arms* A bag of chips don’t count.

Milo nervously laughs; he’s been caught.

Milo: Fine, you got me; but I’m okay throughout the day–

Gwen reaches in her bookbag and pulls out a half of sandwich in a Ziploc bag. Milo looks down at it before looking back up at Gwen.

Gwen: Take it.

Milo: That’s your lunch though.

Gwen: I had half of it already.

Milo: But what if you get–

Gwen: *giggles* Milo, just take it.

Milo takes the Ziploc bag from Gwen and opens it up. He begins to quickly eat the sandwich; clearly hungry. He looks at Gwen, who is looking at him, destroying the sandwich.

Gwen: Not hungry, huh?

Milo adjusts himself as Gwen laughs. He looks at her, laughing shortly after. Before tossing the Ziploc bag out, he notices writing on it. He looks at it.

Milo: ‘Gwyneth’?

Gwen’s face turns red; hiding it with her hands.

Milo: *tries not to laugh* Wait, is your actual first name Gwyneth? Like Gwyneth Paltrow?

Gwen snatches the bag away from Milo, stuffing it in her book bag.

Milo: I mean, I’m not judging… it’s just…

Gwen: You’re like 2 seconds away from laughing, Milo!

Milo starts laughing, but immediately stops himself.

Milo: I didn’t expect that Gwen was actually short for Gwyneth. I thought your name was just Gwen.

Gwen: *sighs* If only my parents were simple like that. At least you’re just Milo…

Milo shakes his head.

Milo: If only my parents were simple. My dad is a native Filipino, and I’m an only child.

Gwen: What does one have to do with the other?

Milo: My birth name needs its own page on the Scantron; let’s just say that.

Gwen laughs. This makes her feel better.

Gwen: Wait, so what is your birth name?

Milo: I’d have to be six feet in my grave before telling you my full name. *laughs*

Gwen playfully rolls her eyes. Milo smiles, hard.

The bell rings, which means the two teens must pack up and go to their next class of the day.

Milo: I’m sorry if I distracted you from practicing during our lunch period.

Gwen: It’s alright. I didn’t mind just chatting.

Milo smiles before getting up towards the exit of the rehearsal room. He turns around one last time.

Milo: You should come to my band’s show this Friday!

Gwen: *off-guard* What?

Milo: It’ll be fun! Of course if you’re not busy.

Gwen: You don’t have to invite me; it’s alright–

Milo: Gwen.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. She waits for Milo to speak again.

Milo: I’ll send you the address on AIM, okay?

Gwen: Okay.

Milo smiles and the warning bell rings in the hallway.

Milo: *teases* I’ll see you in band, Gwyneth.

Milo laughs as Gwen nudges him in the shoulder. Milo walks out of the rehearsal room afterwards.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, Misc.

Black Sheep’s Softer Fur: A Rosie Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t lie to myself and say that I wasn’t nervous to see Micah on campus today. I felt shitty ending our hang out the way that I did. Leaving with Prescott was the smartest move to make in this situation. For starters, I didn’t need Micah fighting my battles, but I also know that if Micah did anything to Prescott, he’d be just getting out from being locked up for the weekend. Prescott didn’t fight with his fists, he fought with his money.

I knew there was a big chance that if I saw Micah today, he would’ve started a fight with me about Prescott, which I hated. Not only did it take so much energy out of me, but I felt like whenever we were on good terms, we would fuck it up and start hating each other again. I didn’t like to admit it, but Micah was truly my only friend these days. I didn’t hang out with anyone else from school, and I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed hanging out with Micah until I actually hung out with him outside of school. I just wanted Micah to be my friend.

I walked into the library at our usual hang out spot; the back table on the first floor closest to the big window. Micah sat in his usual spot; his laptop on top of the table and his bag on the chair next to him. I took a deep breath before entering the library, and started to walk towards Micah. He noticed me as soon as I got closer; I immediately smiled to ease into the conversation.

“Hey, Micah,” I greeted him, finally to the table.

“Hey, Roe,” Micah said back as he was typing on his laptop. He’s calling me Roe; that has to be a good sign. “Did you ever get to type up the proposal for our project?”

“Oh,” I said, sitting down at the table and placing my bag on it to take out my binder. I handed over the paper to Micah. “Hopefully it’s good enough.” Micah began to read the paper, smiling in the middle of it. “What?” I asked.

“Yo, this is really good,” Micah looked up at me. “I think this would be a great project to link art with music perfectly. How’d you come up with it?”

“I started to out it together when we were at Dani and Tanner’s place,” I said, taking the paper back from Micah. “I saw the connection while you guys were rehearsing and shit.”

“I also have a great beat to use for this experiment too,” Micah said, scrolling through his laptop. “I can play it for you after class this week if you’re not working afterwards.” I looked at Micah, trying not to give it away that I was still questioning why we aren’t talking about what happened this weekend. Micah would’ve normally said something as soon as he saw me walking toward him. I didn’t want to say anything about it; isn’t this what I wanted? For him to not care about what goes on between Prescott and I?

“Yeah no, I don’t work after our class this week,” I mentioned. “You can come to my place later that day if you don’t want to bring all of your equipment on campus.”

“You sure?” Micah asked. I nodded my head.

“Yeah, it’s nothing,” I reassured him. “I have the space, so why not?” Micah nodded his head, agreeing with my reasoning.

“So it’s a date then,” Micah teased, beginning to pack his things up. I rolled my eyes as he laughed.

“I’ll see you in class, Micah,” I said to Micah. “Remember to get my iced coffee this time; you’ve been slacking these last couple of classes.”

“It’s the middle of February, the fuck are you drinking iced coffee in the middle of winter?” Micah said as he began to walk away.

“Extra caramel swirl; please and thank you,” I shouted back, which made everyone in the library turn their head toward my direction.

…

“Rosie,” Natasha said my name as she started walking toward the register. “They want you in the back for inventory after your break later.”

“No problem,” I said, counting the Scantron test sheets at the register counter. “Is there a a lot of shit back there?”

“Just a couple of boxes of the drinks that came in on Friday,” Natasha said. I rolled my eyes; I hated dealing with the convenience stuff in the backroom. “I know, you’d think those that closed on Fridays would’ve have that done by now.”

“You said it, not me,” I said, laughing afterward. “How was your weekend though? Did anything fun?”

“I studied for my Math exam all weekend,” Natasha recalled. “If I fail this test, I could kiss this job goodbye.”

“Your parents would literally make you quit your job if you failed any classes?” I asked. “At least you’re not failing your classes and selling drugs for money or some shit.” Natasha raised her eyebrow up; she seemed confused. “At least you have a legit job is what I’m saying.”

“Exactly,” she said. “How about you? You spent the weekend with Prescott?”

“Ehh,” I said, trying to put together what I was going to say. “I went to some event with Prescott but I didn’t end up staying. I went to hang out with some friends.”

“You? Hanging out with friends?” Natasha crossed her arms, questioning me. “You don’t even like hanging out with me outside of school.”

“Well, I didn’t make plans to hang out with him,” I mentioned.

“Him?!” Natasha emphasized. “Prescott was okay with you hanging out with a guy?”

“He didn’t know I was hanging out with him, and besides; I’m allowed to have guy friends, Nat,” I said, organizing the counter.

“Does he go here?” Natasha asked, leaning over the counter. This bitch was having a field day with this shit.

“He’s in my art history class,” I mentioned. “The guy that comes in here and buys all of the energy drinks whenever we restock them?”

“The guy with the septum piercing and long hair?” Natasha asked. I nodded my head.

“Yeah, him,” I answered. I didn’t want to give his name away to Natasha; I feel like she would then begin to make it super awkward whenever he would come into the store next. “It was really nothing. We’re working on some assignment for that class and decided to work on it this past weekend.”

“Oh, well that’s boring,” Natasha said, disappointed at the outcome. She gets off the counter and backs away, sorting out the messy sweatshirts that the students did not bother to put back in place. “I thought you had like a secret fling with him or something.” I didn’t answer Natasha back as I pretended to not hear what she said. The hardest thing about being friends with Micah was that we already pushed that boundary. For fucks sake, friends aren’t supposed to know how to turn each other on and hook up.

“Nope; still very much going out with Prescott, which he’ll be picking me up from work later today,” I added, trying to convince Natasha as much as I could. Natasha rolled her eyes before walking away from the front counter. I wasn’t looking forward seeing Prescott today, but here I am; doing just that as if it’s my secret part-time job or something. It is, Rosie.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

The Beginning of Something Ending: A Grace Monologue.

liz

Something told me that once I finally let someone in my life love me again, it would all eventually go downhill. It wasn’t because the person will eventually get sick of me and stop loving me, but my life was incapable of allowing another person to love me. I figured this out on my first official date with Sahim one night.

I ran back to my room after practice one night, stripping everything off my body and getting into the shower. I didn’t have much time to think about what I was going to wear or do with my hair, but knowing Sahim he wouldn’t care so much about that. I couldn’t lie to myself and say I wasn’t nervous; sure, Sahim and I have spent a lot of time together as if they were dates, but this was the first one that we went on where we were now officially dating. Since telling Aimee, she has called me non-stop, wanting details of what our first date was going to be.

“Girl, we’re just going to some karaoke bar downtown,” I said over the phone as I looked in the mirror. “This is the most simple first official date I’ve had at this point.”

“But that’s the thing,” Aimee began to say. “This is your first date with Sahim as his girlfriend.” I felt my face get hot hearing Aimee say it; I haven’t even said it out loud to myself.

“It’s going to be fine,” I tell myself more than Aimee. It’s just Sahim, your co-worker-turned-lover-boyfriend… “I’m more worried about him hearing how I sound singing karaoke than being on a date with him.”

“Oh he’ll tune you out,” Aimee teased before laughing. “Seriously though, go out and have fun. You’ve had a lot on your plate ever since Sonia gave you this side-project for the production. Aimee wasn’t wrong; I feel like I haven’t had the time to actually enjoy my free time since taking on these dance projects. Not only did I have to choreograph a completely new section of the production, but Sonia wanted me to actually come up with a solo routine for the closing portion of the show as well. I didn’t have much time left in Korea; the production has exactly 20 more weeks left before it’s over. It sounds like a while from now, but to think that we’ve already been here for the production for nearly 6 months now is mind-blowing.

“I know,” I said as I began to do my hair. I didn’t have time to straighten it, so a updo was going to have to do the trick for this date. “I’m excited though. It should be fun tonight.”

…

Sahim and I went to this karaoke place in downtown Changwon that Summer had suggested. Although surrounded by other brightly-lit stores, it was located on a street that wasn’t as busy with tourists. Sahim opened the front door for me as we both entered the place.

We walked into one of the karaoke rooms fill of blinking LED lights accompanied by two microphones and a TV up on the wall.

“This is a cute little spot,” Sahim said as he looked around the room. I looked back at him, in awe just how excited he gets for the most simple things.

“Summer told me about this place; I figured it would be a cute first-“

“Date?” Sahim smiled as he looked back at me. I felt my face getting hot once again. He grabbed my waist to bring he closer to him.

“Sahim, this isn’t America,” I began to say. “We’ll get banned if they found us in the room this close.” Sahim couldn’t help but laugh. “But to answer your question; yes.” I walked over towards the big book of karaoke songs on the table next to the microphones. Sahim takes ne of the microphones and stands in front of the TV.

“Alright, Tiny Dancer, pick a song for me to butcher the hell out of,” Sahim said, confidently. I laughed, skimming through the pages of the book. I come across Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and suddenly feel my stomach drop to the floor. The thing about music is that because it was so universal, it always has enough weight to carry memories and past versions of yourself. I quickly flipped the page, erasing the memories, ignoring all of my past selves. I take the remote and type in the number of the song I picked. New memories. New selves.

Sahim looked at the blank screen before it came back on with the background of Elton John sitting at a piano at one of his concerts. Sahim laughed out loud, not believing I would chose this song for him to sing.

“Tiny Dancer? Really?” Sahim asked as he laughed.

“Come on, lets go!” I said to Sahim, pointing at the screen as the words started to appear. He begins to poorly sing the song, which makes it even cuter to watch him. He misses a couple of words here and there, trying to catch the beat when he does. I didn’t realize that someone can do so poorly at karaoke. The song finally ends and the score appears on the screen: a 70%. Sahim turns around in disbelief as I cover my mouth.

“Not this karaoke grading you like it’s an exam,” Sahim said as he pointed towards the TV. I couldn’t help but finally laugh.

“This one is pretty brutal,” I agreed. “They take their karaoke singing seriously.” Sahim puts the microphone on the table and sits next to me on the sofa.

“Well,” Sahim began to say before snatching the book from my lap. “It’s now your turn.” He kisses me quickly on the cheek before skimming through the book. I sighed, grabbing a microphone from the table and standing up. Sahim looked up at me for a brief moment before he started to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?” I asked Sahim, crossing my arms along my chest.

“You’re standing there as if this is a chore, babe,” Sahim said as he flipped through the book. “Let me remind you that this was your idea.”

“What else were we supposed to do for a first date as a couple, yet alone in a foreign country? Sit around our hotel room and eat expensive room service all night?” I playfully argued.

“Don’t worry, baby,” Sahim teased. “We’ll eventually get to that type of date.” He points the remote at the screen and chose the song I’ll be singing to. I turned around and looked at the screen. To my surprise, it’s a Kpop song.

“Sahim!” I turned around as he laughed. “I can’t sing Korean! This is unfair!” I walked over to Sahim to grab the remote from him. Because of his height, he was able to keep the remote from me in a good arm’s distance. I fall over onto him sitting on the couch as the instrumental plays on the TV. I looked at Sahim as he looked at me. I kissed him hard, using my hand to tussle his hair in between my fingertips. He smiled so good today. His smile was so white, the black light in the room made them standing out more every time he smiled. He accepted the kiss, grabbing my waist with his free hand. Kissing Sahim wasn’t anything new; we’ve done so plenty of times in our uncertain phase of this. Kissing Sahim as a couple though… whoa. I nearly forgot how we even got to this place.

I quickly got a hold of the remote in Sahim’s hand, and quickly got up once I did. Sahim, laying back on the sofa, looked surprised.

“Got it!” I said, dancing around as I teased Sahim. He sat up, still looking in disbelief.

“A distraction; a classic move,” Sahim nodded his head as he said. “You got me there, babe.” It was sweet to hear Sahim call me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ as soon as we became a couple. It rolled so naturally off his tongue; it was like he was always suppose to say it to me.

“Thank you, thank you,” I take a celebratory bow. I turned around nd chose the song I wanted to sing. “You get to hear how a professional karaoke singer does it.” As I turn back toward the TV, I took a deep breath before the words started to appear on the screen. I began to sing the words, softly as the song was meant to be sung slow. I know I don’ have the musical ability like my parents did, but it made these types of experiences a lot less stressful. I began to sway side-to-side in place, singing the words as the LED lights spun around the room. Shortly after, I feel Sahim wrap his arms around me, swaying to the beat with me. It made me feel warm inside for the first time in a really long time. In this moment, I feel at ease, as if I’m finally allowing myself to live in the moment.

Of course, it doesn’t last long once I hear my cellphone ringing on top of the table nonstop.

I finally turned around with Sahim and see Skylar’s name pop up on my screen. Once it stops ringing, I notice just how many times she tried calling me. She called one more time before I finally picked up the phone.

“Sky?” I answered, wondering what was going on. “Whoa, whoa, whoa; you have to slow down; what happened?” I looked at Sahim looking at me, also wondering what the hell was going on. “Okay, okay; I’ll come to you, gimme 20 minutes.” I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. “Of course something always has to happen…”

“Hey?” Sahim softly said, trying to get me to focus. I looked up at him, feeling defeated and exhausted towards everything that is yet to happen with Sky. “I’ll drive you there.”

“No; she’s my cousin,” I began to say as I gathered my belongings. “I don’t want you to get involved in the family drama-“

“I’ll drive you there,” Sahim interrupted and solidified his statement. I didn’t want to fight him; if anything, I needed to save my energy for Skylar.

“Okay,” I whispered, walking out of the room full of LED lights to face my reality.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: 30 is Not Your “Deadline Age”.

liz

I remember growing up watching The King of Queens on broadcast television because my family couldn’t afford cable. Doug and Carrie Heffernan (played by Kevin James and Leah Remini) live in a 3-bathroom house in Queens, New York in the late 1990’s into the early 2000’s. Towards the beginning of the series, there’s an episode where Carrie is dreading to be turning 30, as it’s deemed as “being washed out and old” and “one step closer to your grave”. Me, being an 11 year old with no sense of age or time, laughed and thought, “wow, I should be married and living in a house before I turn 30!”

Here I am, now 30-years-old myself, not being or having any of these things… oh, and hi; my name is Liz.

I knew I was not going to enter my 30s with all of these things that are deemed as adult milestones. For one, I had spent most of my twenties still trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do in life. I was exploring what my identity was after not truly having one in my early 20s. I was busy in college and then went straight into grad school without taking any breaks to explore who I was outside of being a student. By the time I was done with my studies, I was a 24-year-old woman just beginning to see what my place was in this society. To be quite frank; I was not anywhere near having my shit together by my mid-20s to enter my 30s with all these adult milestones.

Some people chose to get married and/or have kids in their 20s. Some people chose to go away for college and then moved away from home once they graduated. Some people moved out of their family’s house on their own, whether it was with friends they knew, their partner, or with a couple of random roommates. But, some people choose to go against these milestones due to many external factors. For me, I just had other plans for my adulthood.

I knew from a young age that children wasn’t going to be something I wanted for myself in adulthood. I didn’t (and still don’t) see myself being a mother, and as I got older the pressure of becoming one or “starting my own family” was now something others were concerned about for me. In all honesty; I still have that mindset that if anyone my age is having kids, it feels like it’s a teen pregnancy.

I know I am getting older and that my generation is now at that place in life that we’re getting married and we’re having kids and we are building our lives as we continue on our adulthood journeys. We get excited over the things that our parents got excited for like home decor and cleaning supplies. We’ve become those adults that roll their eyes at the teenagers commuting to and from school on public transportation. Also, we are now victims of our childhoods now being considered “vintage”.

The pressure of getting older, for me, is the constant reminder that while time waits for no one, you shouldn’t also jump into doing things because of how quickly time passes by. That sounds complicated, but in simpler terms; I am afraid that when I’m ready to hit these adult milestones it will be too late. For context; I am now that the age where the chances of having children begin to decline as I get older, but I cannot stay that children are in my current 5-year plan. I also cannot say that I’ll be living on my own anytime soon or be in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage; but I’ve learn that if these things are meant to be for me, they will happen when it’s time.

Going into my 30s, I worried about this time feeling like my “deadline” age, but now actually being 30, I feel differently. I feel like this is just the beginning of my adulthood. I feel like I am at the tutorial phase of a new game, learning the basic functions of what adulthood is like. As I get further into my 30s, I will take what I’m learning and apply that towards the rest of my adulthood, y’know? Life is honestly just a long play-through of a game, in my opinion.

I’m looking forward for all of the experiences I’m still left to have in my 30s. I am looking forward to travel to more places, attend more concerts, and continue to cross things off my bucket list. One piece of life advice I am taking from those older than me is simply to do everything I want to do before I decide to hit the adult milestones in my life. I like where I am currently; I feel like I am currently at the place where I’m learning who I am as an adult and what it looks like on me. I am currently building my professional career in higher education and taking opportunities as much as I can to further (and better) myself for the future. In the meantime, I am learning to balance my professional life and personal life by completely separating the two; work on projects and take on tasks at my job, but hit up a happy hour with my partner and his friends after work. I am learning to approach life in a “slow burn” type of way as a person whose mind is constantly on a race (that’s another blog post for another day).

For me, I’m taking turning 30 as being the first page of a new book in my life. I am leaving all of my baggage from my 20s in my 20s, and anything that challenged me or flawed me is now just a lesson that I’ve learned and experience that I’ve gained. For me, 30 is like meeting a new person: the other person doesn’t know anything that you’ve done, went through, or who you once were in your past; they only know the person that you are right now.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #16: Awkward Dinner Conversations.

liz

Jennifer walks into the house, leaving her bookbag right on the ground next to the front door. She walks toward the kitchen, starving and wanting to eat dinner for the night. Upon entering the kitchen, she’s taken back at who she sees in the kitchen.

Justin, her once-estranged dad, looks up from the stove and smiles at Jennifer.

Justin: Hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer doesn’t say anything, she turns around and walks away from the kitchen. Before she is able to go upstairs, her mom, Lydia, is seen coming downstairs.

Lydia: Hi, Peppy.

Jennifer: What’s he doing here?

Lydia: He’s making us dinner tonight.

Jennifer: *annoyed* Is this is why you called me to come home early from practice today?

Lydia: *defensive* No, I called you to remind you that you needed to come home early from your practice today; I told you few days also.

Jennifer: Well then I’m going to Milo’s–

Lydia stops her daughter from going up the stairs further.

Lydia: We ae having dinner tonight as a family.

Jennifer: *scoffs* Family? What is this, the 1960’s?

Lydia: Pep, I know this isn’t something that you’re looking forward to doing, but he is your father.

Jennifer: He decided to finally be one after disappearing for 11 years?

Lydia: *stern* Pep.

Jennifer rolls her eyes and begins to walk down the stairs; her mom follows her. Once the mother-daughter-duo walks into the living room area, Maryette is seen walking in from school.

Lydia: *to Maryette* Make sure you wash up before you come down for dinner, sweetie.

Maryette: I never have to wash up before dinner though–

Jennifer: Because you-know-who is in the kitchen…

Maryette: *confused* Who?

Jennifer rolls her eyes nd walks away from her mom and sister. She enters the kitchen, taking her seat at the table and flips open her cellphone. Justin turns around to look at her before continuing to prepare dinner.

Justin: I’m, uhm, making sopita tonight. You like soup?

Jennifer: I guess.

Justin nods his head, getting the hint. Jennifer looks up from her phone and at Justin; watching him cook. She rolls her eyes and looks back down on her phone.

…

The Castro family sit at the small kitchen table having dinner together. Lydia and Justin sit at one side of the table while Jennifer and Maryette sit on the other side.

Maryette: *mid conversation* So Niko and I had our poster board displayed at the Science Fair today!

Lydia: That must’ve been exciting for you guys. What did you guys have to do at the fair?

Maryette: All we did was sit by our project and only got up when the judges came by to see it. Other than that, we didn’t have to go back to class or anything!

Lydia smiles t her youngest daughter. Jennifer, playing with the food on her plate, doesn’t ay any attention.

Lydia: *to Jennifer* How about you, Pep? How was your day at school?

Jennifer: It was fine.

An awkward silence fills the room for a moment. Lydia coughs, creating noise to break the tension.

Lydia: Did you find out what day the winter showcase is so that we can go?

Jennifer looks around at the table.

Jennifer: Since when is Mars interested in seeing one of my school shows?

Maryette: *intervenes* I’m not–

Lydia: *points at Justin* I meant us, Pep.

Jennifer looks at Justin. His ears turn red, trying to play off the awkward feeling of the room.

Justin: *to Lydia; whispers* It’s okay, Lyd.

Jennifer: *intervenes* Good.

Justin looks up at Jennifer; he readjusts his seat to face forward at the table.

Justin: Is your show for dance?

Jennifer: No.

Justin: Do you not dance anymore?

Lydia: *adds* She sings at her school…

Justin: *shocked* Sing? I didn’t know you could sing, Pep–

Pep gets up from her seat at the kitchen table, fed up.

Jennifer: Maybe if you were in our lives for the past 11 years, you would know that I, in fact, do sing and dance!

Lydia: *stern* Jennifer Ann!

Jennifer: If you were in our lives for the past 11 years, you would’ve been at every showcase and every recital and you wouldn’t be asking me these stupid fucking questions!

Lydia: Jennifer that is enough!

Jennifer walks away from the table and towards the living room. Lydia gets up and follows.

Lydia: Jennifer? Jennifer?

Jennifer grabs her coat from the rack and picks up her bookbag from the floor.

Lydia: Jennifer-

Jennifer: I’m staying over Milo’s.

Lydia: No, you’re not. It’s a school night and we have company.

Jennifer: *turns around* I don’t care, Mom! I don’t care about this dinner, and I don’t care that you’re dating him again! It’s your life, do whatever the hell you want with it-

Lydia: He’s your father, Pep-

Jennifer: No he is not! If he was really my dad, we wouldn’t have left us! Mars doesn’t even know who the hell he is because she wasn’t old enough to remember him! But I was, and because I was old enough, I am not calling him my dad. He is just another guy you’re dating in my eyes.

Jennifer opens the front door to leave.

Lydia: If you leave, you will be grounded for two weeks.

Jennifer: Ground me then, since all you care about is creating this perfect image of us to a man that left us when we needed him the most! *voice cracks* I needed him the most, mom!

Shortly after, Justin walks into the living room, standing next to Lydia. Before he could say anything to her, she turns around and exits through the front door, slamming it behind her.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

Find Your Purpose: A Milo Monologue.

liz

It’s been a week since Sophie has been in school. I’ve tried texting her phone to ask if everything was alright, but didn’t get any answers. After the first 3 days of radio silence, I tried calling her phone. Still, no answer.

I walked towards the vocal room for my last class of the day, hoping the period will go by quickly. All of the other vocal major in my grade enter the room, including Mollie. She walks in with Aaron; no surprise. I look down at my notebook, waiting for the disgust to bypass my body. My dad walks into the classroom which quiets down the class. He puts his binder of sheet music on top of the piano before facing the class.

“Good afternoon, all,” my dad addressed the class. “As you may know, midterm season is upon us, and here at Waverly, we take this time to check in with our students by assigning them a midterm project to focus on. You will be graded based on your creativity, technique, and of course; passion.” As my dad was talking to the class, I see Aaron looking down at his phone, smiling as his fingers pressed against the screen. I looked over at Mollie, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that se was texting Aaron. I as so aggravated and wanted nothing more than express that out.

“Yo, Serrano; get off your phone, man,” I shouted towards Aaron. The class looked over at Aaron as he shot his head up. “It ain’t that serious.” The class laughed, but my dad immediately got the class back in order.

“That’s enough,” my dad shouted to the class. “Mr. Kamalani, your assistance is not needed–“

“Yeah, because he wouldn’t do that in any other class besides the one that his dad teaches,” Mollie added, which made everyone turn their heads towards her.

“Nobody asked you, Mollie,” I snapped back at her, trying to maintain my composure.

“And nobody asked you to be your dad’s guard dog; woof woof!” Mollie teased as everyone in the class began to laugh again.

“Alright, class,” my dad began to say, but at this point I didn’t care whether or not I was being disruptive.

“You would know being Aaron’s bitch, woof woof!” I responded back. This made Mollie get up from her seat. I wasn’t afraid of Mollie; I got up from my seat as well. “Yeah, learn to mind your business, Mollie!”

“Fuck you, Milo!” Mollie yelled out.

“That’s enough!” my dad screamed, which made everyone in the class go quiet. “Mr. Kamalani and Ms. Castro, grab your things and leave my class now!”

“He started it!” Mollie argued.

“And you decided to get involved!” I snapped back.

“If the two of you don’t grab your things and leave my classroom, I will make sure to have both of your majors suspended for the rest of the year; do I make myself clear?” my dad demanded. I rolled my eyes, knowing I had to get out of the classroom. I couldn’t jeopardize losing my dual major status for the rest of the year.

Before I was able to grab my stuff and get up, Mollie storms out of the class. She doesn’t look at my dad or at me when doing so. I watched her leave and then looked at Aaron; clearly pissed off.

“Mr. Kamalani,” my dad called out. “Go.” I rolled my eyes and began to get my stuff together and finally leave the classroom.

…

Mollie and I sit outside of my dad’s classroom; she sits on one end of the bench and I sit at the other. We don’t say anything to each other, and it honestly kills me. Mollie has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Some of my first memories were us hanging out in her mom’s backyard pool during the summer with her family. My dad and Jennifer would hang out together while Mollie and I played in the pool, and Mollie would always try to show off her swimming skills when I use to sit in a floatie, terrified of going underwater. The smell of the barbeque in the air and the chlorine mixed with the sun on my skin was something I remembered vividly. I missed my best friend, and something told me that this was going to happen as soon as she began to get all boy crazy. It’s like she stopped believing in herself and only cares about what boys think about her. I sighed at the thought.

“Mol,” I gently said. She shook her head, immediately dismissing me.

“Don’t talk to me,” she quickly said, not looking in my direction.

“Mollie, I’m sorry,” I said, not listening to her. “I didn’t mean to say those things in front of the class-“

“But you did,” Mollie said, side-eyeing me. “You said it like I was your biggest fucking enemy on the planet. Like I was Laurie or something.”

“The way you’ve been acting towards me, you feel like you’re becoming Laurie,” I admitted. Maybe there was some truth behind that, but the way Mollie spat out at me during class was something that Laurie would’ve done to either one of us. Plus, she’s dating the male version of Laurie.

“That doesn’t give you the right to treat me like I’m Laurie though. I’m suppose to be more than just that.” I wanted to be sympathetic to Mollie, but it was bothering me that she was not taking any accountability for what she is doing.

“And you’re treating me like I’m your enemy too, Mol,” I pointed out. “We’ve both been treating each other like shit.”

“You’re treating me like shit because of Aaron-“

“Just how you’ve treated me like shit because of Sophie?”

“I don’t give a shit about Sophie!” Mollie raised her voice, which echoed throughout the empty hallway. “I got over that way before we got to Waverly. But you seem to keep punishing me for the way you feel about another person. That’s not fair-“

“What’s not fair is you throwing me out like I’m disposable whenever a new boy comes into your life,” I began to raise my voice, trying to make Mollie understand where I was coming from. “Seriously, Mol; first it was Theo, then it was Jake, Deangelo, Kyle; now it’s Aaron. It’s like you need these guys to find your purpose for you.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, and I’m done talking to you,” Mollie said, getting up from her seat.

“You know I’m right, Mol,” I continued. “Instead of getting these guys to do it, why don’t you let your friends tell you how awesome of a person you are, huh?” Mollie doesn’t say anything back; she continues to pick up her things to walk away from the bench. “What happened to Ronnie? Huh? She was your girl best friend and now I don’t even see you hang out with her anymore-“

“Fuck off, dude!” Mollie turned around and faced me. “Seriously; instead of worrying about my life and Aaron, worry about your own! Why don’t you call your little girlfriend and see where the fucks she’s been all week?” Are you fucking serious, Mollie? “Seriously, I don’t give a fuck what you do, so stop giving a fuck about what I’m doing.” Shortly after, I see Jennifer walking up the stairs towards the main office, looking in our direction.

“Mollie?” she called out. Mollie turns away from me, walking toward her sister. Before I could get up, I hear my dad open the door from the main office.

“Milo,” he said. I got my things and walked toward the door, not before looking back at Mollie. She doesn’t turn around.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

In Love with Something Else For Some Time Now: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

“So do you have to get really dressy for this show?” I asked Grace as I looked inside of my closet. I walked out, pulling a matching suit from the closet. Grace sits on my bed, leaning back looking toward me.

“Jamie, it’s a show; not a wedding,” Grace teased. “A button down and some slacks should be fine. You should have something like that in your closet considering it’s all you wear.”

“Which brings me to my former question: do we have to be really dressy for the show?” I asked. Grace laughed and got up from the bed, walking toward the closet. She looks through the various hangers with clothes on them. She pulls out a collared sweater and some black slacks with my favorite dress shoes.

“You’ll be the best dressed in the theater,” Grace smiled as she said. She puts the clothes on the bed and reaches for my glasses on the nightstand. She walked back toward me and out the glass on my face. “Especially with your glasses.” I couldn’t help but smile at her.

“Jaemin?” I hear someone call out my name. I turned around and see Haram standing near the bedroom door. She’s in a turtleneck and skirt with some boots. She smiles and walks into the room, looking at the outfit I had decided to put on. “You look handsome for dinner tonight, oppa.” I turned around and looked at her, smiling. She scrunches her face, taking the glasses off of my face. “The contacts are better.”

“I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable tonight,” I walked to the vanity and take off the glasses. I take my contacts from the top drawer, looking down at them. “But anything for my lady.” I faintly smiled as Haram hugged me behind and kissed me on the cheek.

…

Every other weekend, Haram and I would go out and explore the city; our schedules were so busy during the week that we promised each other that no matter what, we’d do this. This particular weekend, I was getting ready to meet Haram for dinner and a movie. I put on the same outfit I tend to always wear: a brown collared sweater and black slacks. Today, I opted in to wear white sneakers to change the causality of the outfit; also, to get out of my comfort zone. I also wear my glasses today only because it’s better for me when watching movies.

I took a deep breath before leaving my bedroom. I walked downstairs to get ready to head out for the evening. Before I could do so, I hear the door knock. I walked to the door, opening it to see Haram standing there.

“Jagiya,” I said, surprised to see her here. “I thought I was going to pick you up today.”

“I had a feeling you needed some extra time to get ready,” Haram added, looking at my glasses.

“I know you hate the glasses,” I said, smiling at Haram’s change of expression.

“They just make you look like a boy rather than a man,” Haram teased, rustling my hair.

“Ya,” I whined, shaking my head to put my hair back in place. “It took forever to style my hair like this.” Haram giggled, helping me place my hair as it was.

“Okay, K-pop idol,” Haram continued to tease me until she put her hand in mine and walked me out of my apartment. We didn’t go that far to go out for dinner; we went to a hotpot place that always sold the juiciest of meat. We always sit at the corner of the restaurant; the table where you can look outside the window and see the city in action. We sat down in our usual seats; Haram smiling at me as she does.

“So, have you thought about teaching at PNU this Fall?” Haram asked. Haram and I have spoken about shifting my career towards teaching, especially as we speak more about our future. It was weird actually planning things out after just doing things off of a whim most of my life. She balanced that chaotic, uncertain side of myself.

“I have a meeting with the Dean in a couple of weeks,” I said, looking down at the menu. I wasn’t against leaving the firm. I’ve worked under this firm for the last 7 years and I was beginning to feel like maybe it was time to move onto other endeavors. Plus, if I wanted to ever settle down and have kids of my own, I wanted to be more involved than your typical man of the house.

“That’s great!” Haram excitingly responded, smiling as she took a sip of her drink. “It’ll be great to move closer to the Busan area; buy a house with a backyard, out of the city.” I learned early on that Haram was raised in the rural area of Andong-si. She moved to Changwon-si to teach, but she’s expressed that she will eventually like to move back into a rural area. We decided that Busan would be the best of both worlds; I would still be close enough to the city for work and she can have her own house and garden area. I smiled at Haram’s excitement.

“That would be nice,” I added. The waitress brings us our meat and garnishes for the night; both Haram and I thank her.

“Hopefully you are able to get the teaching position before Minji’s wedding,” Haram added. “Hopefully a lot of things are done before this Fall.”

“Ya,” I whined again, hearing the anxiety in Haram’s voice. “Everything will fall into place; don’t worry.” Haram doesn’t look convinced. “I promise.” The reality of it was that I didn’t know how or when things would fall into place. I still had so much thinking to do and I still had to think about so many other people when it came to making big decisions like this. I had to think about my family before I was able to think about creating my own.

“I’m just mentioning it,” Haram said, grabbing a piece of meat and grilling it in the pot in front of us. “I feel like you put yourself behind everyone else, and you deserve to have just as much as a future as those you surround yourself with.”

“Like who?” I asked, genuinely curious in who she’s talking about.

“Shawn, for example,” Haram pointed out. “The night I needed you to pick me up from my job because my car broke down, you were out taking care of him after going out for drinks.”

“I had Lia pick you up that night,” I responded. “It’s not like I had you stranded in the middle of Changwon-si.”

“That’s not the point, Jaemin,” Haram stated. “My point is that we are supposed to have each other’s backs and if something goes wrong, we should be able to handle it. I was embarrassed having your younger sister pick me up instead of you.” I told Haram that I needed to take Shawn home after he got wasted at the bar that one night. The truth was that night, I was driving Grace back to the place she was staying at. Of course I didn’t want to mention it to Haram; how was I suppose to explain that I was too busy driving my ex back home because she’s a foreigner that wanted to take a sketchy cab home instead? There was no motive behind the gesture, as I’ve been in love with something else for some time now. I tell myself that to justify my decision making.

“I’m just saying, Jaemin; it’s the things that we do now that will determine how our future will pan out,” Haram said, reaching out for my hand across the table. I put my hand in hers. Sometimes I feel like she’s constantly waiting for me to make the next move regarding our future and I just hold her hand ad have her anticipate what’s to come for our future.

“I promise I will change my prioritizes together,” I said, smiling and lying through my teeth. The truth was that I never put myself first because of everyone else around me. I needed to make sure that everyone was okay before I am; I was taught that through my own father. I wonder if he felt fulfilled at the end of his life, or did he die without ever feeling what was like to put himself first?

My father was a man that did not let others know if he was struggling or going through something troubling. He was a private person, and he would only show expression through the actions h did for other people. I didn’t understand why he was like that until his passing; until I became the man in the family that needed to take care of his mother and sisters. Lia and Mina were all able to move on with their lives, but let me try to move too far away from home to get my life together.

My phone begins to ring inside of my pocket, in which I immediately take out to answer. It’s Shawn. Speaking of the devil.

“Shawn?” I answered the phone. He sounds distraught over the phone.

“Hyung,” Shawn said. “I need your help!”

“What happened?” I asked, now worried. Haram looks up at me, wanting to know the situation.

“Please, I’m in Changwon-si,” Shawn began to explain. “I just–” I hear Shawn trying to take deep breaths, possibly trying to keep his composure together.

“Shawn, what is going on?” I asked, now more stern. Before Shawn can even have a panic attack over the phone, I tried to be a bit more gentle with him. “Shawn, just send me your address. I’ll come meet you.” I look up at Haram who looks a little annoyed now. This is exactly what she was talking about. I hung up the phone and sighed, now looking at Haram.

“Go,” Haram simply said. “He’s your friend, and he needs help.”

“Come with me,” I suggested, wanting to show her that I wasn’t trying to run off without her. “It’ll be quick; I just have to check up on Shawn.” Haram sighed loudly, gathering her things from the table as I paid the bill for dinner. I hope Shawn is alright.