Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Blast From Black Sheep’s Past: A Rosie Monologue.

liz

I met up with Micha one day after our Art History to kill about 5 birds with the same, big stone. For starters, I needed to run to the craft store to begin working o this project for our class. I was more than capable of purchasing the art supplies with my own money, but Micah refused for me to pay it.

“Roe, you deadass pay rent every month,” Micah began to say as he grabbed the canvases from my hands. “Plus, this is a project we’re both working on, the least I can contribute to this portion of the project is paying for all of this shit.”

“Well geez, if you put it like that,” I responded, rolling my eyes at Micah. I began roaming the aisles of the art supply store; I truly felt like I was in heaven. I kept stopping to look at every little thing down each aisle. It wasn’t like it was my first time being in an art supply store; I go to the one in the city a lot with Prescott, but he tends to always rush me whenever we go. I was glad to see that Micah wasn’t like that; instead, he would just stand there and wait for me to walk to the next thing in the aisle that grabbed my attention.

“So I was thinking we could meet up some time this weekend to discuss business,”Micah said as we walked down the different aisles.

“Business? Dude, it’s a sophomore-level art class,” I teased Micah. He rolled his eyes as I laughed.

“That, but also this party we’re trying to throw,” Micah added. “When were you thinking about throwing the party?”

“We could do a Spring Break party,” I suggested. “I grew up watching all of the trashy Spring Break themed parties; it’ll be cool to replicate something like that.”

“I don’t take you as the type to watch those trashy movies,” Micah responded.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, friend,” I once again teased, turning the corner to walk down a new aisle.

I kept staring at these one set of paint brushes that were too pretty to not look at. They were iridescent, hitting the light in the store in such a way look like it was made out of the prettiest material. The set alone was 50 bucks, which meant I had to put them back. Before I was able to fully put them back on the peg, Micah stops me.

“Get them,” Micah insisted.

“Dude, these shits are 50 cash,” I mentioned. “I don’t have that type of money.”

“I’ll get them for you,” Micah said, grabbing them from the peg. “Consider this an early–or if your birthday as already passed–late birthday present from me.”

“Micah,” I tried to say, but Micah was not having it.

“They are already in our cart and you’re fucking getting them to paint,” Micah concluded. I looked at him as he walked by me with the cart in his hand. I followed him, like a kid in a candy store, who was just told that they were able to get the one piece of candy they’ve been dying to have.

…

I stared at the paint brushes on my bed when I got back home. I didn’t even want to take them out of its pretty packaging, for fuck’s sake. I questioned Micah’s motive for purchasing these brushes for me in the first place. Why would he do something without wanting anything in return? Does he expect me to give him something? Why the fuck would he do something like this for someone like me?

I heard a knock on my front door, which was weird since I wasn’t expecting anyone to come over today. I walked to my door and opened it. I don’t remember what happened or what I did after I opened the door, but I was not expecting to see, out of all people, Hudson to show up at my door.

“Hudson?” I said, just needing to confirm that it’s actually him. He looks pissed.

“We need to talk,” Hudson simply said. Does this is how it feels to be scolded by your parents? If so, this shit fucking sucks. He walks into my apartment and looks around; the detective in him analyzes the fuck out of everything in it.

“I spoke to your college after not getting a housing bill these last two semesters,” Hudson began to say as he circled around the apartment. “And to my surprise, they informed me that no one; absolutely no one, under the name Rosie Delgado dorms at the college.” Fuck.

“Hudson,” I began to say. He clearly wasn’t having it.

“So you weren’t going to tell me that you live in some run-down apartment in the middle of the projects?” Hudson spat out. “You’ve been just taking the money for your housing and decided to put it somewhere else or something?”

“I-” I began to say again, but Hudson wasn’t finished; obviously.

“What in your right mind thought that this wasn’t going to get back to me?” Hudson asked, clearly wanting an answer now.

“Because it didn’t get to you during my freshman year,” I answered, barely audible. Hudson sighed loudly, of course not happy with me whatsoever. “How did you even find my place?”

“Really, Rosie?” Hudson answered back. Duh; he’s a fucking cop, and anyone can wave their badge around for information these days.

“You had no right looking into my school record,” I spat back, trying to get the heat off of me for a moment. “Haven’t you heard of HIPPA or some shit like that?”

“That’s doctors not being able to discuss your medical records, Rosie,” Hudson corrected. I’m in a liberal arts college, not medical school obviously. “Did you spend all of that money on this?”

“Part of it,” I answered. “The rest went towards living expenses.”

“What living expenses?” Hudson shouted, now visibly angry. “You call this piece of shit living expenses?”

“It was all I can afford, Hudson,” I snapped back, getting defensive. “It was either this or some boondocks apartment building in the Bronx; at least I can still go to and from school in time living here–“

“The same with dorming at the damn college! Rosie, I wanted you to go to college and focus on your studies; wasn’t that our agreement?” He wasn’t wrong. Back in Philly, Hudson attended my GED ceremony; he was the only adult in my life that gave a shit about where I was going in life. My parents had no fucking clue, and all of my friends either dropped out of high school or simply overdosed on drugs before they were even able to finish. I promised Hudson I was going to go to college in New York; get away from all of the bad shit that Philly brought in my life. I wanted to start fresh; I wanted to go to another state and be a different type of girl while doing something no one around me has ever done: give a fuck about living for their goddamn future.

“It’s not like I’ve been doing illegal shit or something,” I said, knowing damn well that wasn’t the truth. “Technically, I’m still in agreement.”

“You’re actually going to your classes?” Hudson asked. It annoyed me that he didn’t believe me, but then again there’s been so much I’ve lied about already to him. Maybe he already knows; maybe he is waiting for me to finally feel the guilt and just word vomit everything.

“I am,” I said, annoyed. “I just came back from getting shit for my art history project.” I pointed at all of the supplies on my bed, including the expensive paint brushes. Hudson takes a seat, sighing before he said anything to me.

“I’m not trying to micromanage your life,” he began to say. “I just want you to do as best as you can and do something better with your life. You’re capable of being great.”

“I am doing my best,” I said, sitting down on the chair across from him. “I go to school, I work at the campus bookstore, and I’m learning how to live on my own in the gist of all of this.” Hudson faintly smiled before getting up from the chair. He looked around the apartment one last time.

“Can we at least try to make this apartment look more… livable?” Hudson mentioned. I sucked my teeth, not appreciating his comment.

“Sure, if you want to help me pay for ‘livable’ things for my apartment,” I teased, laughing at Hudson when he rolled his eyes.

“Please keep out of trouble, Rosie,” Hudson said as he started to walk towards my front door. “And please; don’t keep any more secrets from me.” I nodded and walked him out the front door.

“I will,” I said, looking at Hudson as he walked down the flight of stairs. I closed the door when he left and immediately let out the loudest sigh. I walked toward my bed and picked up the brush set from my bed; admiring it.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #19: Gwen, Milo’s Friend Ghost.

liz

Milo walks into his band class as the late bell rings; everyone is preparing their instruments before the teacher starts class. He takes his violin out of his case and looks at Gwen a couple of seats down. He cocks his eyebrow up, wondering why Gwen hasn’t said anything to him. He turns around to face his music stand as Nicki sits in the seat in front of him.

Nicki: *turns around* Have you’ve seen Danny today?

Milo: Why would I know where he is?

Nicki: *rolls eyes* I don’t know, maybe because his our band member.

Milo: I don’t care about that guy unless it’s after school in Pep’s garage for band practice…

Nicki: *annoyed* When are you going to let the grudge go?

Milo finally looks up at Nicki.

Milo: Grudge? You mean holding him accountable for the fucked up shit he did to Pep? He’s lucky that he’s even in the band.

Nicki: I’m not saying he was right for doing what he did, but he has apologized to Pep for it a long time ago and she forgave him.

Milo: Nicki, you’re smarter than this. You should know that doesn’t change anything. So to answer your question: no, I don’t know where he’s been.

Nicki rolls her eyes and turns her head in Gwen’s direction.

Nicki: *to Milo* Did you say hi to Gwen?

Milo looks up quickly, then back to his sheet music.

Milo: No.

Nicki: *shouts* Hey, Gwen!

Gwen looks up towards the two teens. Nicki waves her hand as Milo looks down at his music; shy. Nicki motions her hand to invite Gwen to come over to her.

Milo: What are you doing?

Nicki: *confused*Saying hi to Gwen?

Gwen begins to walk over to Nicki and Milo; Milo slowly begins slipping down his seat.

Nicki: Hey, Gwen!

Gwen: *shy* Hi.

Milo nods his head but doesn’t say anything back to her. Gwen turns her head to face Nicki.

Gwen: Were you able to finish the piece for class today?

Nicki: I didn’t, but Milo was able to finish it before our practice yesterday.

Nicki nudges Milo with her elbow. He shoots her a deathly stare.

Nicki: Milo’s the best person to ask since you both are in the same section.

Gwen and Milo don’t say anything to each other; the late bell saves them the awkward conversation.

…

Milo runs toward the West Wing to the rehearsal rooms during his lunch period. He looks through every window of each rehearsal room until he sees Gwen in one of them. Milo tries to open the door, but it is locked. He wiggles the doorknob until Gwen pokes her head up, looking toward the window. She gets up from her seat and closes the curtain of the window. Milo starts to knock on the door to get Gwen’s attention. After a couple of minutes, the front door of the rehearsal room opens.

Gwen: What do you want, Milo?

Gwen walks away to go back to her seat; Milo stands near the doorway.

Milo: You still need help with the piece from band class?

Gwen: *scoffs* Now you care if I know the piece or not?

Milo: What does that mean?

Gwen: You acted like I was some ghost in band today when Nicki called me over.

Milo: You guys were having a conversation…

Gwen: *rolls eyes* I guess you were also being courteous on the night of your show, huh?

Milo is tongue-tied. Gwen shakes her head.

Gwen: You made me feel like I was some ghost friend to you or something…

Milo: *defensive* Dude, you didn’t mention that you came to the show because you were a friend of mine–

Gwen: ‘Dude’?

Milo doesn’t say anything back; it frustrates Gwen.

Gwen: Whatever, Milo. If you don’t mind, I am trying to learn the piece that apparently I should ask you about for help but considering that you are a jerk, I am going to get this piece right on my own–

Gwen sits back down in her seat and starts to play the piece; she begins to play the piece on a sharp note, which makes Milo cringe in place. Milo walks over to Gwen to make her stop.

Milo: Gwen, please–

Milo tries to take the violin from Gwen, but she refuses.

Gwen: Let go!

Milo: You’re not playing the note right!

They fight over the violin until Milo notices something back fall to the ground. He immediately jumps in fear, not knowing what it was. He looks up at Gwen with wide eyes. Gwen sits in her seat with short and thin looking blonde hair. Milo looks at the ground to see the black hair that was once on Gwen’s head was a wig. Gwen is horrified.

Milo: Gwen?

Gwen quickly grabs the black wig from the floor and puts it on her head. She grabs her things from the rehearsal room and runs out.

Milo: *runs out rehearsal room* Gwen!

Gwen is seen running down the long hallway; she doesn’t look back at Milo.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The ‘Millennial Teen’ Stereotype.

liz

I am a woman dressed in fun, bright colors. The color of the flowers on my pants match the clips I have in my hair. My glasses are rainbow on the days where my wardrobe is feeling more monotone and black in order to add some color in my outfit. My side of the bedroom is filled with different patterns and waves of various complimentary colors; a huge stuffed animal sits on top of my desk and a gold, feathery boa sits on top of the signed K-pop albums of my all-time favorite boy group.

If you could only judge me from what my safe space felt like, you’d think I was a college student a best, or perhaps a high-school teenager whose just about to graduate.

Or, you would even joke around and say, “man, this feels like a grown ass woman who was a kid/teen in the 2000’s and never grew up from it…

… Hi, my name is Liz, and I am that person who was a kid/teen in the 2000’s whose style screams “millennial teen”.

I have this distinctive memory of watching my older sibling’s home video of their first birthday party at a McDonalds in South Brooklyn; the year is 1991. I, for sure, was not even a thought (as I was born four years after my sibling) but it was interesting to see what how most people in their late 20s/early 30s dressed and acted like. Many of these people wore what was in style of that time, but everything made them seem so much older than they were. No one was wearing crazy patterns and vivid colors, and their hair was styled in ways that added a couple of years onto these young adults. I mean, it seemed like back in the day everyone looked like they were their appropriate age; even older than what you thought.

Nowadays, it’s different. You have the millennials not really conforming to the adult norms that we grew up watching our parents be. Many of us are not mothers by the time we hit our 30s. Many of us are not married and if we are, we most likely got married at City Hall did not have a luxury wedding ceremony to celebrate love the way we saw adults do it. Many of us are still living at home with our parents for more complicated reasons than just “rent being too damn high.” It seems like a lot of the things our parents and our parents’ parents did are not what we are doing.

Millennials, in a nutshell, are growing up in an unconventional way. Although we are maturing and are now faced with more adult-like conflicts and situations, we are still into the things that we were in when we were younger. Maybe it’s the fact that a lot of us grew up wanting the things we liked but couldn’t get, so we now get them with our own money we made from our adult jobs.

For me, my 20s consisted of me collecting K-pop albums and photocards and calling it a collection. Once I started to make my own money, I wanted to do things with it that I couldn’t do in my younger years. I began dressing the way I wanted to dress and decorate my safe space the way I wanted to, and I’m always gravitating more towards the colorful, or “youthful” things. As I’ve gotten older, I feel like I’ve embraced more of this side and it’s not because I’m trying to “hold on” to my youth. I’ve grown to embrace the things I simply like whether or not they fit into the societal norms of what a 30-year-old should like. A part of discovering and defining what identity looked like on me was realizing that there is never a right way to do things, and there is never a set of interests and hobbies that you need to have taken away from you when you reach a certain age in life. To go full circle, I had to unlearn all these expectations that life has set you up for: you don’t need to leave color behind in your younger years, you don’t need to settle down and find love once you’re out of college and in your mid-20s (yes, I am talking about you 18-year-old Liz who thought we were going to be married by the time we turned 26), and most important of them all, you don’t have to feel guilty of not wanting to have children and become a mother even if biologically time is telling you that you should do so.

While others may judge our generation for being “immature” and not “growing up” fail to realize that our generation was raised in such a transformative time. We were not strictly born in the area of technology, but we also were not raised prior to technology becoming such a universal resource and everyday essential. Sure, we may have tons of diagnosed mental illnesses in our generation and lack the social skills that our parents and grandparents tend to have, but we are so self-aware and are able to self-identify what it is that we need to nourish our soul and our bodies that we simply do not care if society judges us for not being “adult enough” compared to generations before us. I’m talking to you too, my Gen Z readers; you may judge older generations for being a certain way until you one day grow up and realize that what we are telling you is pretty much the same shit that older generations told us…

“Don’t grow up too fast. Cherish your youth as each day you are one day older than the last.”

I am proud of us as a generation for the way we are growing into our adult lives. I am proud that we can cherish what our youth was and still embrace those parts into our adulthood. I am proud that we literally said “why grow up to be miserable and monotone when we can grow up and still be the same person?” I am proud that as a generation, we are bending the rules in what it means to be an adult, not because we are lazy or afraid to grow up, but because we want to be happy in a world where things get dark if you look at it for too long. We grew up watching the adults lose their spark as they got older; we simply do what our fate to be a repetition of that.

So, yes; call me weird and eccentric and colorful and comment about how when you were my age, adults did not behave in such way. Yes, look at me and laugh with your teenage friends and poke fun of the fact that I may not be wearing what is appropriate for an “adult in their middle age”. Yes, ask me why do I still like the things that you thought I should’ve now grown out of as an 30-year-old adult.

I am simply being myself is what I’ll say.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Suckerpunch Something: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

Aigoo, Shawn. I tried my hardest not to speed down these roads, but I was so anxious in what I was going to walk into when I got to Shawn.

“Oppa,” I hear Haram say. “Slow down a bit, please?” I let out a deep breath and began to slow the car down. I didn’t need for her to get hurt in the process of my utter panic.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Haram at a red light. “Shawn was in Seoul not too long ago, so I don’t understand why he’s back here now.”

“I’m sure he is fine,” Haram reassured. “Maybe he needs a favor from you or something.” Yeah, and God knows what the fuck is happening.

“He was in Seoul with his girlfriend to meet his family,” I began to explain. “Aigoo, what if he tried to propose to her and she said no?”

“Why would she say no?” Haram asked. “I’m sure that her family and his family are willing to come together for a beautiful ceremony here–“

“Haram, she’s a foreigner,” I added, briefly looking over to her before looking at the road. Haram didn’t seem phased at my comment.

“Foreigners marry Koreans all the time,” Haram added. “One of my coworkers married a Japanese man and were able to work all the details out–“

“No, you’re not understanding what I’m telling you,” I interrupted her, looking toward the road as the light turned green. I was growing annoyed now. “She’s from America.” Haram doesn’t say anything back; she knows exactly where I was going with this.

“Well that’s a pretty valid reason for her to say no to a marriage proposal,” Haram commented, looking out the window. “It’s not like she can move her entire life in a foreign country like Korea and I doubt Shawn would want to move so far away from his family.” I couldn’t be upset over Haram’s logic; she had never been in the shoes of someone that loved a person from a foreign country with a completely different culture. I didn’t want to have her thinking she did or said anything wrong, considering that she has no idea that I knew what it felt like to be in Shawn’s shoes.

…

We finally got to the hotel that Shawn sent us the address to; I quickly got out of the car as soon as I parked it. Haram followed behind me.

“Ya, what room and floor are you on?” I asked Shawn over the phone, power-walking into the hotel. Haram and I walk inside and straight to the elevator, pressing the number floor Shawn told me. I hung up to phone once the elevator started to move. Haram looked at me, trying to calm me down.

“Jaemin, it’s going to be fine,” she started to say. “Shawn would rathe have his friend be more level-headed since he’s going through something.” I took a deep breath, releasing all of the nerves stored in my body. Once we reached the right floor, we walked down the long hallway towards Shawn’s hotel door, knocking on it.

“Ya,” I said, growing anxious the more time passes. “It’s Jamie, Shawn.” The door opens and there stands Shawn. His face is red and his eyes are puffy. “Shawn?”

“Hyung,” Shawn whimpered before collapsing on my chest, crying his eyes out. “It’s over.”

“What?” I asked, moving this conversation into the hotel room. “What’s over?”

“My relationship with Skylar,” he said out loud. “She said no to my marriage proposal in front of my family.” I sighed, feeling hurt for Shawn. I looked over at Haram who stood behind me, watching everything happening.

“Can you get me a bottle of water for Shawn, please?” Haram nodded and walked towards the kitchen area. I looked back at Shawn as I started to hand him some tissues. “What happened?” I asked Shawn.

“Everything was going great,” Shawn began to explain. “My family was getting along with Skylar and I thought it was the perfect time to finally pop the question.”

“Shawn,” I began to say, knowing that this was a bad idea to begin with.

“I finally popped the question and she looked at me horrified,” Shawn sobbed as he spoke. “She ran to the bathroom and just,” Shawn couldn’t finish his sentence without crying after each sentence. Haram came back with the water and handed it over to me. I thanked her before giving it to Shawn.

“Where is she now?” I asked.

“She went out,” Shawn answered. “She said she needed to clear her head but that was like four hours ago.”

“You let her go out by herself?” I questioned. “Shawn, we aren’t in America; where the hell would she go for so long?”

“I don’t know!” Shawn shouted. “Who knows if she went to the airport and flew back home? This is Skylar we’re talking about!”

“If she’s still staying with you, she wouldn’t leave without you,” I said, trying to reassure Shawn. I don’t know Skylar that well to know what is going through her mind, but what I do know is that she’s smart and she wouldn’t leave a foreign country by herself. “Maybe she just needed to clear her mind. She’ll be back–“

Before I could finish, the front door opened and Skylar walks in. She’s not alone, but I wasn’t expecting her to be with her cousin. Not tonight. Not right now. Skylar looks at Shawn; frozen in place. I look at Grace, standing behind her boyfriend, Sahim.

“Of course you called him,” Skylar spat out at Shawn. Shawn wiped his eyes, now angry at the situation.

“Of course you called Grace!” Shawn shouted at Skylar. I immediately stepped in between the two, especially to calm Shawn down. I’m assuming Grace was doing the same with Skylar since we briefly bumped into each other.

“Sky, relax,” I hear Grace tell her cousin. I turn around and look at Shawn.

“Ya,” I looked at Shawn as I said. “You have to calm down.”

“Now the whole fucking town of Changwon-si knows about us,” Shawn growled, looking at Skylar the entire time. I tried to block his view from her as best as I could; all I needed from Shawn was to focus and not be driven toward emotion in this moment.

“Now the whole city of Seoul knows that you proposed and I said no!” Skylar spat out over Grace’s shoulder as she tried to keep Skylar away from Shawn.

“All you had to do was say yes and we wouldn’t be having this discussion right now!” Shawn responded as I continued to hold him back. For one brief moment, my back touched Grace’s as I tried to keep Shawn away from Skylar. I immediately felt her jump in place when I did. I turned around the apologize to her, but she quickly responded before I did.

“Watch it,” Grace said in a low voice. I didn’t say anything back to her. As soon as Grace and I looked at each other, both Shawn and Skylar were out of our vision. They began to argue in the middle of the hotel room and now everyone got involved in separating the two once and for all. Haram came up to me to help with Shawn as Sahim went to go help Grace. At this point, everyone was talking on top of each other. Skylar was the one to shut everyone up.

“That’s enough!” Skylar shouted at the top of her lungs. Everyone went quiet, including Shawn. He wasn’t happy, but he obeyed his girlfriend. Skylar looked at Haram first. “I am so sorry; I don’t even know who you are and here I am just yelling at him,” Skylar cocked her head toward Shawn. I held Shawn to the chair once I felt him about to get up from his seat. “I’m Skylar, Shawn’s girlfriend–“

“You should–” Shawn spat out. I immediately slapped his shoulder to shut him up. If he wanted to eventually marry Skylar, he needed to learn how to shut up.

“I’m Haram; Jaemin’s girlfriend,” Haram bowed as she introduced herself. Aigoo. I quickly looked at Grace but her back was facing me as she looked at Sahim.

“You would call Jamie when he’s with his girlfriend, Shawn?” Skylar pointed out to Shawn. Her face was red; I’m assuming she was embarrassed for behaving this ay in front of someone she did not know.

“You called Grace when she was out with her boyfriend!” Shawn spat out, attempting to get out of his chair once again. Sahim finally walks forward to speak as if him contributing to anything will change the outcome.

“Let’s get the story before we start making assumptions,” he said, looking at Skylar. “Skylar, you go first.”

“Shawn and I were in Seoul to see his family. This is the first time I ever actually got to meet them in person, so of course I was nervous. Everyone is eating a lovely dinner that his mother cooked and put together and everything was going completely fine until he had to dig into his pocket and put me on the spot and asked me to marry him!”

“You could’ve told me in a more discreet way!” Shawn commented. “Instead, you ran out of the living room and locked yourself in the bathroom!”

“Where else was I suppose to go? I am in the middle of a country that I have no access around!”

“Alright, alright,” Grace finally intervened, stepping in between Skylar and Shawn. I did the same, worried that the two of them would step over her. She is the smallest person in this room. She turns her head toward Shawn. “Did you plan on proposing when you came out here?”

“I’ve been planning to propose to Skylar for months,” Shawn admitted. “I wanted to do it away from all the chaos that was happening in California.”

“Chaos?” Grace questioned, looking at Skylar. She doesn’t say anything.

“I would’ve thought you told your own cousin about your dad,” Shawn pointed out.

“What’s wrong with Uncle Mason?” Grace asked Skylar. Again, Skylar doesn’t say anything. “Sky?”

“Nothing, Grace,” Skylar answered, annoyed. She looked over at Shawn. “You feeling sorry for me doesn’t give you the right to randomly ask me to marry you.”

“Randomly?” Shawn asked, annoyed.

“We did not discuss marriage in our future, Shawn!” Skylar pointed out.

“Something like doesn’t get discussed! People who love and care for each other and see each other in their futures get married!”

“I think what Skylar is trying to say,” Haram intervened. I quickly looked at Haram, hoping she was able to read the room. She wasn’t able to. “Is that for her, she would’ve rather something like this be done when both of you are ready.” Shawn looked at Haram before turning his head to me.

“Hyung,” Shawn simply said. I turned to Haram, gently pushing her away.

“Haram, this isn’t the time–“

“I think Haram is right,” I hear Sahim add to the conversation. I turned around, annoyed that he’s even here putting any input on a situation he knows nothing about. “Skylar was probably going through a lot and couldn’t respond in the way she wanted to–“

“Shawn is known to be… spontaneous with the things he cares about,” I added, not really knowing where I was taking this.

“With all due respect, I don’t care how either one of you guys feel,” Grace said, walking in between Skylar and Shawn and slightly nudging me away from the standing space. She turned around to Skylar. “You called me on my date with Sahim to be a comfort for you when you’ve been hiding something from me this whole time?”

“I haven’t hid anything from you,” Skylar corrected. “This isn’t any of your business to begin with–“

“If it involves my family, it does!” Grace shouted, not allowing anyone speak about the proposal anymore. “How could you share something about my family to Shawn, but not me? Is it because I’m not in America or something?”

“Grace, just drop it,” Skylar now raised her voice, getting angry at Grace. I didn’t want this to get anymore out of hand, especially if this is the place that Shawn and Skylar are staying.

“Grace,” I tried to move back to where I was once standing, to be in charge of the conversation so that a resolution could be made. I forgot how combative this girl can be.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Jamie!” Grace spat out, yanking her arm away from me. “Skylar, what the fuck is going on–“

“My dad is dying, for fuck’s sake, Grace!” Skylar finally admitted. “He got screened for cancer and guess what fucking came up? Cancer!” Grace doesn’t say anything back. Skylar looks at Grace with tears forming in her eyes. “There! Are you fucking happy?”

“I–” Grace’s voice was hoarse. She grabbed her purse from the bed and starts to walk out of the room. “I have to call my dad–“

“Grace,” I said, quickly looking at Sahim. He also called out for her as well. Grace opened the door and walked out, and of course Sahim followed behind her. I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t comfort her. I couldn’t be the one to drive her back to her place and help her with anything she needed at this time. Sahim was the one that needed to do that. I just need to be there for Shawn right now.

“Shawn,” I began to say, looking down at him. “You have to talk to Skylar with a straight head on your shoulders.”

“But hyung, I–“

“Ya,” I shouted, not wanting to hear another excuse come out of his mouth. “You need to talk to Skylar. You need to sit down with her and talk to her, not at her. She is human, Shawn.” Shawn doesn’t look at me this time; his face is looking down at the floor now. I turned around and see Skylar standing there with her arms crossed. “I apologize on Grace’s behalf.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Skylar said.

“Grace is going to be the last to know about a lot of things because she’s so far away from home. No one is going to call her. No one is going to message her about any bad things happening back in America. No one wants her to worry while she’s here. Grace needs you as much as you need her.” She wipes the tears off from her face, still trying to keep a strong face on. I look at Shawn once more before I let out a deep sigh. “Both of you; try not to kill each other tonight.” I started to walk out of the hotel room, dragging my feet along the carpet with exhaustion in my body. I can hear Haram follow me before she says something out loud.

“It was nice meeting you, Skylar,” Haram said. Again, read the room. Skylar doesn’t say anything back to her.

…

I walked out of the hotel front doors, racing to get back to the car. Haram follows me, trying to keep up with y walking pace.

“Jaemin, hold up,” I hear Haram’s voice and footsteps running toward me. She looks at me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Harm; just exhausted,” I said, finally getting to our car. Before I enter the driver’s side, I notice another couple near a car on the opposite side of the parking lot. I know it’s Grace. The taller person hugs the smaller one and kisses her forehead for comfort. Suckerpunch, right in the gut.

“Jaemin?” Haram called out for me from the passenger’s side. I shake off the feeling and I’m back to reality. I looked at Haram and immediately opened her side of the car. I finally entered the driver’s side to leave.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The Final Warning: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I was doing nothing but staring at the four walls of my bedroom as I spun in my desk chair, waiting for the time to quickly pass by. The weekends fly by when I’m able to actually do things; now that I’m grounded, it seems like time is just slowly going by. It feels like it’s been Saturday afternoon for 5 months now.

I hear someone knock on my bedroom door which makes me stop spinning in my chair. I look at the door and notice my dad standing there.

“Hey, bud,” he simply said. I turned my chair away from him, annoyed to even see him come into my room after what happened yesterday. I hear him sigh. “Milo, we need to talk.”

“I don’t wanna talk,” I snapped back. “I’m tired of talking.”

“That’s because you refuse to listen the first time we had this talk,” my dad emphasized. “Milo, how many times are you going to get into it with someone your freshman year of high school? And of all people, with Mollie? She’s supposed–“

“No, she’s not,” I quickly turned around to face my dad, knowing exactly what he was going to say next. “A best friend will not call you out in front of the entire class like she did. She didn’t have to chime in and say anything–“

“After you called out another student in the class?” my dad noted, crossing his arms. “You are not a victim in this situation, Milo.”

“I’m not trying to be the victim!” I shouted at my dad. “I swear sometimes I feel like you come in here to just push me down further into the ground!”

“Because you are better than this, Milo,” my dad raised his voice, which echoed the entire bedroom. “You know better to not do anything you don’t want happening to you back. You know better than to use my class as a way to seem like this big, tough guy with Aaron Serrano. I told you this weeks before you started school that I will not treat you any different than another student in my class because I shouldn’t have to look out for you. You are simply better than the behavior than what you are distributing out these days.”

“Clearly, you’re never going to be on my side so what’s the point in even trying to reason with you?” I turned my chair around once again away from my dad; this time, he turns it around to face him again.

“I will always be on your side; you are my son,” he said in a softer tone. “But being on your side also means holding you accountable for your wrongdoings.” My dad sits at the edge of my bed to look at me. He sighs before he continues to say anything else. “We need to talk about you and Aaron Serrano.”

“Ew, why?” I quickly snapped. It was like a reflex to say it.

“He’s been the reason since you’ve gotten in trouble this entire school year,” my dad mentioned. “What’s going on between you two?”

“He’s a bully,” I said, ending it there. “He thinks he knows me so well and what I do and he has never anything nice to say to my face.”

“And what does this have to do with your screaming match with Mollie yesterday?” he asked me. I didn’t want to say anything to my dad knowing that it would possibly go back to Jennifer. Wait… why do you care if it goes back to Jennifer? Mollie has not looked out for you once since she’s stated dating this asshole. “Milo?” my dad said.

“Mollie is dating Aaron,” I admitted, not looking at my dad. I felt like I was betraying Mollie, but it was too late now. “That’s why she said what she said in vocal class.”

“That much I can figure out,” he said. I looked up at him, wondering what he meant by that.

“You knew?” I asked my dad. He nodded his head, as if this was common knowledge of some sort.

“It was obvious that the two were dating, but it’s none of my business to say anything about it.” What I’m more concerned about is why them dating is affecting you in any way?”

“Because Mollie is supposed to be my best friend!” I was now getting annoyed with my dad. “Seriously, dad; didn’t your best friend date someone that you absolutely hated because you knew he or she was a piece of shit?”

“Yes,” my dad calmly answered. “Jennifer dated this guy in high school that had no business in being with her. Of course she didn’t listen to me and still went to date him. He ended up using her to take her virginity and then went to tell the whole school what they did.” I looked at my dad, wondering if maybe he knew that this story did not make me feel any better. “I wasn’t happy, but I had to let her do what she wanted to do. And in this case, you have to let Mollie do what she wants to do.”

“But he’s clearly making her go against me–“

“You are showing her that you’re going against her by treating her the way you are because of him,” my dad defined. “What Mollie does with her life should not affect you in any way, regardless about how you feel about her boyfriend.” It’s not that simple, dad.

“Whatever,” I dismissed, not wanting to talk about this anymore. “Is that why you came in my room for?”

“No,” he answered. “I came in here to tell you that this is your final warning of the school year,” he continued to say. “The next time you get into trouble with anybody at Waverly, I’m personally revoking your dual major status.”

“What?” I said, not expecting this would happen and definitely not coming from my own dad.

“I said it once, and I’m not saying it again,” my dad said in a stern manner. “I cannot continue to justify your actions any longer if you continue to act out in this way. Most dual majors get one strike and then they are out permanently. I had to fight Principal Hughes to keep your status after the confrontation with Aaron the second time. Next time, I will be in favor of his decision to terminate your status.” My dad gets up from the bed to start walking out of my room. I still couldn’t believe what was being said. I couldn’t believe that my dad was not on my side when it came to my dual major status. How did you fight me so hard to fucking even apply as a dual major yet is willing to take away from me?

“What happened to being on my side, dad?!” I shouted, not being able to hold in my anger and frustration anymore. “Was that all just bullshit? Why do you continue to make my life a living-fucking-hell hole?! Does it make you feel any better? Huh?”

“Watch who you are talking to, Milo,” my dad said in his usual, stern voice. “Be careful with the words you are using–“

“It’s always me that gets the backlash on everything!” I continued to shout, knowing there as no going back now. “Micah legit does everything in his power to make things harder than they need to be! Jennifer is always at his school picking him up and binging him home because he did something disruptive and yet as soon as he gets here, it’s like nothing happens. The girls can literally do something bad over and over again after being told to stop doing it and no one fucking bats an eyelash! But let me stand up for myself, let me not take shit from any guy or girl from school and al of a sudden my status is being threatened! So what is it, dad?!”

“Milo–“

“Like do you hate that mom is gone and are punishing me for leaving me behind with you? Am I fucking up the little family that you have with Jennifer by being your bastard child?!”

“That’s enough!” my dad yelled. My dad’s voice made it feel like the entire apartment shake for a moment. I hear my baby twin sisters cry from the other room. I can hear Jennifer calling our my dad’s name. I could hear Micah call out for my mom in a panic. The answer was yes, Milo; you are the outsider in this situation, just how you are in school.

Jennifer paces to the front of my bedroom door where my dad still stands, looking at me. She looks at him and then looks at me. She’s confused in what was going on. My dad doesn’t say anything; he turns around and walks out of my bedroom, past the door and past Jennifer.

“Milo?” Jennifer asked.

“Just leave me alone,” I said, turning my chair around, way from the doorway, and away from the rest of my family.

Misc., y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #18: Five’s A Crowd.

liz

It’s the night of the band’s gig; the first one of the year. Milo peaks through the curtain backstage, looking out towards the audience where people sit at tables and are talking among themselves. Milo looks down at his Sidekick; the ball still flashing green.

Jennifer: Milo!

Milo looks up, putting his phone in his back pocket.

Milo: Hey, Pep; how are the vocals feeling tonight?

Jennifer: Better than last night, that’s for sure. I thought we were gonna have Nicki singing lead tonight.

Milo: Love Nicki, but that girl cannot sing to save her life.

Jennifer: *laughs* Dude, I’m telling her you said that.

Milo: Tell her! She knows it’s the truth!

Jennifer nudges Milo’s shoulder as they laugh it off.

Milo: I’m glad you’re feeling better after what happened with your family the other night.

Jennifer: *rolls eyes* Don’t even remind me. I’m just glad I didn’t lose my shit after being at that dinner table. Like whatever, it’s one thing to date the guy that left us 11 years ago, but to force me and Mars to have some sort of relationship with him just because he’s our dad. Like the dud has missed out on so much of our lives! Mars was a baby when he left! I was–

Milo grabs Jennifer by the shoulders to calm her down.

Milo: We need you, Pep.

Jennifer: *nods* Sorry, I just get annoyed having to even think about it.

Milo: Forget about it; we’re about to go out there and perform some of our new songs tonight. Let the music take you away and let’s have a goo time tonight.

Milo smiles; Jennifer returns one back.

Jennifer: Of course.

Milo and Jennifer look at each other for another brief moment until they are interrupted by noth Nicki and Danny entering the backstage area.

Nicki: So, we’re going to be the second to last performers of the night.

All of the teens nod their head in agreement besides Milo.

Milo: I thought you said we were going to be the closing act?

Danny: *intervenes* The lineup had to change because the their headliner isn’t going to show up until 20 minutes before for some odd reason–

Milo: *to Danny* I asked Nicki, as she is typically in charge of the band’s promotional activities.

Danny: And I’ve answered for Nicki since I was with her when she was asking the host of this event.

Milo: *annoyed* Nicki was able to do her job on her own way before you came long–

Nicki: *even more annoyed* And Nicki can speak for herself. Danny is right though; the headliner isn’t gonna be here until before the last performer, which in hindsight is the real opener for this event.

Milo rolled his eyes and walked away from the group once he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He takes out his Sidekick and flips the screen open: it’s an AIM message from Gwen.

Gwen: Hey! Just letting you know that I’m here. Good luck out there tonight!

The message makes Milo smile. His bandmates suddenly call for him, walking in his direction. He quickly flips the phone down and puts it in his pocket.

Jennifer: Dude, are you okay?

Milo: I’m fine, Pep. Just needed to get away from those two. Ever since he started the band, it’s like he’s constantly down Nicki’s back like she can’t speak or do things herself. It’s fucking annoying.

Jennifer: Danny likes her, Milo; of course he is going to try to impress her by being this big, protective man and shit. All boys do that with the girl they’re crushing on.

Milo looks at Jennifer, wondering if she’s ever had a guy do that for her.

Jennifer: Earth to Milo…

Milo: *snaps back* Huh?

Jennifer: *laughs* Just let Danny do his thing. *tussles hair* I know you’re protective of me and Nicki just because we’re your best friends, but Nicki would probably appreciate if you weren’t so overprotective of her.

Milo: *annoyed* I’m not; I’m protective of the band.

Milo walks away from Jennifer and look out to the audience from the curtain one last time. He scans the room trying to find Gwen in the crowd.

Jennifer: Come on, Milo–

Jennifer grabs Milo by the arm, away from the curtain. The show is about to start any minute now.

…

Milo: Alright guys, get into position.

Danny goes ahead the drum set and Nicki picks up her bass guitar. Jennifer walks to Milo before she walks behind the microphone.

Jennifer: Hey?

Milo looks up.

Jennifer: I know you’re nervous, but it will be fine tonight. We have a dope set we’re performing because of you. You’re smart, talented, and a badass lead guitarist. You’re a fucking rockstar, dude.

Milo: *smiles* Thanks, Pep. That means a lot coming from the rockstar herself.

Jennifer rolls her eyes and smiles; Milo laughs.

Jennifer: I guess it’s just a ‘takes one to know one’ type of situation.

Milo: Nah, I just know who the true rockstar is.

Jennifer doesn’t say anything back as they hear the backstage crew instructing them on their spots. The band gets in professional mode, looking out toward the closed curtain before it opens up. The host announces the band as the curtains finally swing open. The crowd cheers for the band. Milo looks out at the audience, scanning the room once before the set starts. He still doesn’t see Gwen out there.

Jennifer: What’s up, Brooklyn Heights! We’re Indigo Chemistry and we got a sick set to play for you guys tonight! To my left is our amazing bass guitarist, Nicki!

The crowd cheers as Nicki waves her hand.

Jennifer: In the back of me but never unnoticed, we got Danny on the drums!

The crowd continues to cheer as Danny plays a quick drum line for the crowd.

Jennifer: To my right is the mastermind behind all of our music! Our lead guitarist; the one and only Milo!

The crowd cheers loud as he bows in front of Jennifer before taking his own microphone off the stand.

Milo: Let’s not forget about our mad talented lead singer, Pep!

The crowd cheers even louder as Jennifer throws kisses toward the audience.

Jennifer: Alright. Without further ado, let’s rock out in this bitch!

The crowd cheers as Milo starts out the first song. Everyone genuinely looks like they are having a good time, including the band. Jennifer jumps around the stage with the microphone in one hand, going to every band member before starting the first verse of the song. Milo and Jennifer look at each other as she sing and he plays along. The two best friends continue to do what they do best together: put on an awesome performance.

…

During the set, Milo turns toward the audience to get close to them. He begins to play his guitar solo on their last song. He looks out to the audience one last time before the set ends. He finally spots Gwen sitting all the way in the back of the venue, dancing in her seat as she watches. Milo smiles and finishes off the solo and the set finally ends. The audience applauds and cheers on the band.

Milo: Once again we are Indigo Chemistry, thank you for coming out tonight!

The curtain begins to close. Once it closes, the band begins to get excited, running off the adrenaline that the crowd was giving them.

…

Shortly after the last performers of the night, Jennifer and Milo begin to wrap up their equipment to head on out.

Milo: I have to say, you slaughtered those vocals out there tonight, Pep.

Jennifer: Really? I feel like I had a rough time carrying out some of the notes towards the end part of the set…

Milo: *shocked* What? Are you sure we’re hearing the same exact songs? Because what I heard out there was probably some of your best singing yet.

Jennifer: *nudges Milo on shoulder* You’re just saying that.

Milo: Pep, please know that I will always tell you the truth despite how much it might hurt because I care about you. If I’m telling you that you were great, then you were great! You gotta stop second-guessing your singing ability; there’s a reason why you’re a vocal major at Waverly.

Jennifer: *under breath* Yeah, I guess…

Milo: *gently* Hey.

Jennifer turns around to face Milo; he takes a moment to look at Jennifer in the eyes. She looks at him with a sense of worry on her face. Milo brushes a piece of her hair away from her face.

Milo: Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know you’re a perfectionist, but rust me when I say that you are talented and looked so fucking cool out there.

Jennifer smiles. Milo does the same. The two teens looked at each other for a moment before the door of the dressing room opens. The two teens walk away from each other, looking at Nicki and Danny enter the room with another person.

Nicki: Hey, guys! I want to introduce you to one of my bandmates from school!

Milo looks at Gwen, who is also looking at him. He quickly looks away, focusing on Nicki.

Nicki: This is Gwen; Gwen, that’s Jennifer and that’s Milo.

Milo waves at Gwen; she looks confused.

Jennifer: Nice for you to come out to our show tonight! You’re a friend of Nicki’s?

Gwen: Uhm… yeah. We’re in the same band class…

Milo doesn’t say anything back.

Nicki: How’d you find out about our show?

Gwen: Oh, uhm; there’s this bulletin on the school website that shows all the extracurricular activities to attend; I figured a music show would be good.

Jennifer: Oh… okay…

A brief moment of awkward silence arises.

Gwen: I should get going; it was nice meeting you all. You guys were awesome tonight; a great way to represent Waverly High.

Gwen walks towards the door to exit the dressing room. The rest of the band says bye to her as she does besides Milo. When the door closes, The teens look at each other.

Jennifer: Dude, that was so fucking weird.

Nicki: She’s a nice girl; I felt bad she was here by herself…

Jennifer: *laughs* Maybe she’ll even start our fan club.

The teens start to laugh besides Milo. He begins to pack up his equipment.

Danny: She kept looking at Milo when she was here; maybe she came for him–

Milo: *annoyed* Yeah, I doubt it. I don’t even know the girl–

Nicki: She’s in our band class, Milo! Maybe she likes you and decided to come to one of your shows!

The girls laugh which angers Milo.

Milo: You guys are overdoing it now. I don’t even like her–

Milo grabs his bag and begins to walk towards the exit.

Jennifer: Good, because five is a crowd, and she does not look like she would actually find in our group anyway…

Milo rolled his eyes and walked out of the dressing room. Looking around, he sadly does not see Gwen at the venue anymore. He sighs and walks towards the back-exit of the venue.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

The Black Sheep’s Freestyle: A Micah Monologue.

liz

This was the first time I went to a girl’s house that didn’t result in us making out or fucking; yet alone with my DJ equipment in my bag. I don’t know what was the sudden change in Rosie’s liking to me, but I didn’t want to question it. Maybe she finally dumped that lower and is now seeing shit clearer. I know that wasn’t the case, and I didn’t want to put my hopes up for her in that situation anymore. Every time Rosie and I end up being in a good place, that asshole comes around and ruins everything.

I can’t lie, seeing Rosie walk away from me toward Prescott that night was the last straw. I went home feeling exhausted from the night I had. I was mentally exhausted from the constant thoughts of Rosie with Prescott. I couldn’t help but worry about her; what if he does something stupid tonight and I let that asshole just take her away? What if I’m responsible for whatever happens to Rosie since I was the last person she was seen with? I was glad to see Rosie come up to my table at the study lounge the other day simply for the reason that she was okay. But, I had to realize tat Rosie is an adult, and I can’t control her or influence the decisions she makes. I can only really be her friend, and although friends support each other’s stupid fucking decisions; I am not making it known anymore that her being with Prescott bothers me.

Again, who am I to her to even be influential?

I finally arrived at Rosie’s place; it doesn’t bring the greatest of memories being here. Rosie doesn’t live in the greatest side of the neighborhood, and quite frankly her apartment is just this big, open space of nothing. But, I understand her logic of wanting to live in her own place; she just wanted to live a normal life after living an uncommon one back home. I began to walk up the 10,000 steps toward her front door, instantly becoming out of breath when I reach the top. I knocked on Rosie’s door before she quickly answered it. She looked at me like I had 2 different heads on my body.

“Dude,” Rosie said, opening her door wide so that I can enter. “Did you marathon from your place to mine or some shit?”

“No,” I began to say, trying to catch my breath. “But try walking up your Great Wall of China steps with this heavy ass equipment.” I set my bag down on the ground.

“It’s good exercise,” Rosie added before closing her front door. I looked around her apartment as I started to take my equipment out of my bag. It looks a lot different than the first time I was in her; it actually is starting to look like an apartment of a college student. “You want something to drink? Alcohol is not an option.”

“You’re really against drinking, huh?” I asked, watching Rosie take out a water bottle from the fridge.

“Nothing good comes out of a person when they drink,” Rosie explained as she handed me the bottle. “You either say some dumb shit or puke up some dumb shit. I didn’t take you to be such the drinking type.”

“I’m not,” I corrected Rosie, plugging in the wires of the mixer. “I’m a social drinker.”

“Isn’t everyone under those standards?” she pointed out. I rolled my eyes at Rosie as she laughed.

“I think you just answered your own dumb question,” I teased, setting the laptop and Bluetooth speaker. Rosie crossed her arms as she stepped back, looking at the setup.

“You have to do this for every gig you do?” I nodded my head, opening the program up on my laptop. “That’s annoying.”

“That’s why thy tell you to get there an hour before the gig starts,” I explained. “It takes like an hour for everything to be set up.” I plugged in the LED lights, turning Rosie’s apartment to our very own nightclub setting. Rosie cocked her eyebrows at the lights began to circulate around the room.

“So, have you’ve been working on new music for yourself?” Rosie asked. “I know you’ve been busy making stuff for Dani and Tanner.”

“Actually,” I started to say, queueing up the next song. “I was working on this remix and was going to put it out sometime this week.” I began to play the remix from the speaker, bumping my head to the beat. I look up at Rosie, sitting with her legs crossed on top of her couch and also bumping her head. It made me feel good knowing that someone like Rosie, aka the type of person that solely only listens to a specific genre of music, was enjoying the mix I created.

“Dude, this song was legit my childhood,” Rosie mentioned as he danced along. “Doing all the dumb TikTok dances in elementary school.”

“Me too!” I excitingly said, bouncing my body to the bass of the song. Rosie started to really get into the mix, singing along to the lyrics with her cellphone acting as a pretend microphone. I got up from behind the mixer and began singing along with her. We both began to just dance around Rosie’s apartment; the LED lights flashing along the walls and the music blasting from the speaker. It felt like it was our private party; no one but us two just having a good time vibing out.

I enjoyed seeing this side of Rosie; the one where she’s happy and fun and lets loose. Her curly hair bounces with every jump she made. She would make a great hype girl, that’s for sure. In this moment, I was dancing along to my new song with my best friend. Rosie had been my best friend for awhile now, but I didn’t know if Rosie considered me to be her best friend. But, something tells me I am. I wonder just how many people have seen Rosie like this: carefree and energetic and happy. Even I haven’t seen her this happy in the couple of months I’ve known her. I’m glad she trusts me enough for her to be this vulnerable.

The song comes to an end, and Rosie eventually walks to the table to grab her water bottle and catch her breath. I do the same, waiting for her to say something.

“That was so fucking fun,” Rosie finally said, taking a sip of her water. “And that track is dope as fuck. Are your performing it at a gig or something?” She’s so fucking excited; it’s great.

“Nothing lined up yet, but for sure after seeing the reaction it got you,” I mentioned.

“You should throw a party,” Rosie suggested. “Like a party for all the 2010 babies, play music from our childhood and shit. I think it’ll be fun!” I took what Rosie suggested into consideration. Sure, I did gigs at other people’s parties, but it would be cool to throw one of my own.

“You know, that’s not a bad idea,” I said. “It’s actually a pretty good one. Have some performers do a segment and shit, and then just have all of us party all night.”

“Dude, you can even have the party here,” Rosie pointed out. I looked around her apartment once more. It wasn’t like her apartment wasn’t good; it was more so the entire layout of it.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude in your home, Roe,” I said, walking back to the mixer to find the next song to play. “I could fin some studio to do it in.”

“And spend more money than you need to?” Rosie questioned. “Come on.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said, playing the next song. “This song would definitely make an appearance at that party though.”

“Dude!” Rosie said, excited. “Yo, I haven’t heard this song in literal decades; how the fuck did you find this?”

“An artist never reveals its secrets,” I teased, turning the turntable to create noticeable scratching noises on the track. “But if you really wanted to know; my brain is just one huge repertoire of music.”

“Only a pretentious artist would give an answer like that,” Rosie said before nudging me in the shoulder. She laughed before she started to dance in the middle of her apartment. I like seeing Rosie like this, if I haven’t mentioned so already. I like this Rosie. I like Rosie like this.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Personal “Boss Battle” of Life.

liz

If you follow me on my personal account on Instagram, you will notice how unserious I am about posting on the platform. Sure, my pictures are edited to fit a certain vibe that I’m going for, but once you click on that highlighted circle around my profile picture, you will see just how stupid and silly I can be. One hour, I could post something relatable about my job; the next hour I could post myself blasting music in my house and dancing along to the song.

You could almost say that I am a completely different person on the internet. Not a catfish, but maybe like a personality catfish.

I say that because in person, I’m not as outgoing as I seem to be on social media. I am pretty reserved in person; I get nervous talking to people in general, I don’t say much when I’m in a crowd, and like any person with any level of social anxiety, I am constantly thinking about the things I shouldn’t do or say for the sake of people judging me or making fun of me.

It’s a very backwards ideology: to not give a shit about what people think or say on the internet when I’m being my authentic self versus being self-conscious in person because I’m afraid of people seeing me in a weird or negative light, right? Well, it’s much simpler than you think.

Hi, my name is Liz, and my own personal ‘boss battle’ of life is unapologetically being myself in real life.

For most of my 2os, I fought myself a ton when it came to finding my identity and embracing what it looked like on me. From being just a student to then being a person in society to being a a part of various online communities, I spent the last decade really trying to figure out what it was that I wanted out of life and for myself. Now just starting my 30s, I have a better idea on the things that feeds my soul ad what truly makes me happy as a person.

I know that I like my alone time. I like to be my own company, I like to take on projects by myself, and possibly the most odd thing of them all is that I prefer to go to events (like concerts) buy myself. I’ve accepted the fact that for the most part I am very introverted, but I also can’t help the fact that I tend to have these extroverted tendencies. What I mean by that is that at a party, I want to get up from my seat and dance to the music playing. When I’m in a circle of people that I am comfortable being in, I want to be more vocal and speak out in conversation. It’s like I am introverted by nature, but my personality is more extroverted.

I can’t help but feel insecure whenever I feel like my introverted side traps me inside this box. Am I a drag to be around because I don’t say much in conversation or if I’m terribly shy? Do people feel awkward around me when I feel awkward in a social setting? If I decide to do something that is outside of my normal introverted nature, will people looks at me differently or judge me for doing something they normally wouldn’t see me do? All these things roam around in my head whenever I am in a social setting, so I tend to force myself to be the version that society knows me as. Quiet. Shy. Let other people speak for me. Sometimes awkward as fuck.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to finally allow myself to be the person I am behind closed doors. I want to show people how funny I can be, how silly and random and carefree that I am while giving a shit that I may be weird or over the top. I think back to the girl I was growing up in the late 90s and early 2000s: Always outgoing and talking to everyone, being my true self and not caring about those poking fun at me and if they did, I addressed it. I think back to my younger self a lot when I think about my potential to be more outgoing in real life; I even look up to my childhood self for inspiration to do so.

I guess this is ultimately what I consider my video game “boss battle” of life. I still have to level up in my skills in order to enter this battle stage as ready as I can be. I still have all these side quests that need to be completed that will teach me new techniques and moves to use once I enter the boss battle. Yes, I will fail and yes, each heart I lose in the process will make me weary about even trying again afterwards, but with enough practice and understanding of the different levels, I will be able to finally get to that boss battle. In this sense, I still have to put myself out there in ways that will make me uncomfortable at first. I still have to try and fail and learn different ways to get past this belief that my authentic self is “too much” for people to see. I still have to challenge myself in smaller settings and give myself side tasks to accomplish in order to conquer the boss battle task. I will have tons of work to do in hopes that I will one day be okay with showing my extroverted side to other people outside of the internet.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

Mollie’s Advocate: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

If there was one thing I was good at, it was constantly getting myself in trouble at school to the point that I seemed to always be grounded. For my mom, the best punishment was sending me off to my dad’s house for the weekend not because he was the stricter parent by any means, but there was absolutely nothing I can do at his house for entertainment. I always kept to myself whenever I was at my dad’s house, so I guess my mom knew where to send me for my punishment.

I heard a light knock on my bedroom door before it slowly opened. My dad enters my bedroom to check on me.

“Hey, Mollie; you’re feeling okay?” he asked, bringing in a plate of food. I don’t answer him, I just watch him out the plate on the small desk located next to my bed. “Gina made dinner if you’re hungry.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said, picking the nail polish off of my fingernails. “I don’t like pork chops anyway.” My dad put the plate on the desk before sitting at the edge of my bed, letting out a sigh.

“Mollie, I’m not here to make your time a bad one,” he started to say. “Your mom just thought it was best if you stayed here for the weekend, cool off from everything that’s been happening at school.”

“I’m fine,” I said, annoyed to still be having this conversation with my dad. He sighed loudly, which is what he did when he ran out of ideas to try to make me feel better.

“You know you can always come out of your room if you don’t want to stay in here,” my dad said before getting up. “You’re grounded, but not a prisoner.”

“Aren’t those the same things?” I said under my breath. He doesn’t hear it, thankfully. He closes he door behind him and I flop back onto the bed, annoyed that I have nothing to do and cant do anything about it. I guess the only reasonable thing to pass the time is my homework, I guess. I stared to take out my books from my bookbag until I heard something hit against my window. I quickly turned around, seeing someone outside on the fire escape. I quickly noticed it was Aaron as soon as he began waving at me. I walked to the window and opened it. Aaron had a huge smile on his face.

“Aaron?” I asked as if he wasn’t actually sitting on the steps out here. “What are you doing here?”

“You know, I’m starting to believe you’re more of the Rockstar than me,” Aaron began to say. “True Rockstars are badasses.”

“Being grounded does not make a Rockstar,” I debated. “It makes me a person that got caught doing bad things.”

“About that,” Aaron pointed out. “Thank you for sticking up for me in vocal when Kamalani was trying to call me out. No one has ever stood up for me like that before.”

“He was being an ass,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “He can get like that.” Aaron looked more annoyed than anything at this moment; it made me wonder if I said the wrong thing.

“Why are you even still friends with him?” He finally asked me. “I feel like he doesn’t even treat you like a friend.”

“It’s complicated,” I simply said, shifting in my spot. “Me and Milo’s friendship is complicated, to say the least.”

“That doesn’t sound convincing,” Aaron noted, sighing afterward. I didn’t want to get into it with Aaron; all I wanted to was for Aaron to just let it go and talk about something else with me. “Is he, like, an ex-boyfriend or something?”

“Ew, no,” I quickly said, swallowing the bile that came up.

“Then why is he so hung on you being with me?” Aaron asked himself more than me at this point. I was getting annoyed. It was bad enough I was already grounded because of Milo, and it was even worse that I couldn’t spend my weekend hanging out with Aaron and rehearsing with the ban. “Like we were supposed to have band practice for the show in two weeks and it just sucks that you’d let him just–“

“For fuck’s sake, Milo isn’t just some random ass guy who I befriended,” I shouted without being too loud. “Milo and I are related, Aaron. Like my sister is married to his dad type of related.” Aaron doesn’t say anything back as if he’s trying to find the right words to say. “Are you satisfied now?”

“That makes it even worse, Mols,” Aaron finally said, scrunching his eyebrows. “He treats you like shit because he knows that no matter what, you’ll be at family gatherings and all that stupid shit. Just because you’re family doesn’t mean you have to respect them when they don’t respect you back.” This time, I don’t say anything back; I just let Aaron talk. “You know he accused you for ‘stealing’ his sheet music for me when he didn’t have it in class the other day?”

“What?” I simply said being caught so off-guard. “He said that to you?”

“He did,” Aaron confirmed. “I didn’t understand how someone who calls themselves your best friend would accuse you of stealing. I don’t understand how someone can say that, and then a couple of periods later pretty much call you a bitch. That’s not cool.” I felt myself caving in. I thought maybe Milo just had a problem with Aaron, but for him to also talk shit and accuse me of stealing… all I did was borrow Milo’s music for Aaron, but he didn’t have to know that.

Aaron reached for my hand, closing his palm into mine. I looked at him, trying to keep a strong face on. I am suppose to be the true rockstar in this relationship.

“Thank you, Aaron,” I said through a tiring smile. “For even coming here to see me when I’m grounded. No one has ever done that before.”

“I’m a certified Mollie Advocate,” Aaron teased and smiled. “I’ll always be on your side.” As soon as I leaned in to kiss him, I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

“Fuck, I gotta go,” I panicked, going back into my room and closing the window. I quickly closed the curtain and hopped into the bed, trying to look as miserable as possible. My dad walked into my room and I looked up, pretending I didn’t realize he was there. He stood there with a small dessert plate and fork.

“Don’t tell your mom I gave you this,” he said, putting the cheesecake down on the desk. I looked up at him as he turned around to leave my room.

“Thanks, dad,” I said. He turned around and smiled at me before shutting the door behind him. Once he did, I turned around toward my window to pull the curtain away. I was hoping Aaron was still there. He wasn’t.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #17: Awkward Gwyneth Conversations.

liz

It was the lunch period of the freshman class of Waverly High. While everyone walks towards the end of the hall to go up to the lunchroom, Milo walks towards the West Wing where the rehearsal rooms are located. He looks through the window of each door before he finally sees Gwen in one of them with her violin. He knocks, which makes her jump up in place. She gets up to open the door.

Gwen: You nearly scared me to death looking through the window.

Milo: Sorry, I didn’t mean to!

The room goes silent for a moment. Awkward.

Gwen: So, what brings you here?

Milo: *nervous* Oh, uhm; I wanted to see if you wanted to rehearse during our lunch period; I figured you were in one of the rooms already.

Gwen: Oh… you don’t have to rehearse with me if you don’t want to. I know you probably would rather rehearse with your bandmates.

Milo: *confused* You are one of my bandmates though.

Gwen: I mean your extracurricular activities band…

The light bulb goes off in Milo’s head.

Milo: Oh! My band; we don’t rehearse during school hours. I actually wanted to rehearse for today’s class with you if that was okay… with you…

Gwen doesn’t say anything. She scoots over so that Milo can bring a music stand and chair next to her. He does just that without saying anything to her.

Gwen: Uhm, Milo?

Milo: Yeah?

Gwen points to Milo’s bookbag.

Gwen: You don’t have your violin case with you to practice.

Milo looks down and notice that Gwen is correct; he does not have his case with him.

Milo: Shit, I must’ve left it in my locker before going to class last period.

This made Gwen laugh. Milo sighed in relief.

Gwen: *puts violin away* I don’t want to rehearse with you just sitting here–

Milo: No, no! You could still rehearse if you wanted to–

Gwen: It’s fine–

The two teens go silent after talking over each other. Another awkward silence.

Milo: So…

Gwen: *giggles* Milo, it’s fine if you want to go to lunch–

Milo: Oh no, I don’t go to the lunchroom to eat lunch.

Gwen: You bring your own lunch?

Milo: I don’t eat lunch at all.

Gwen: *worried* Milo, you have to eat during the day!

Milo: I do eat!

Gwen: *crosses her arms* A bag of chips don’t count.

Milo nervously laughs; he’s been caught.

Milo: Fine, you got me; but I’m okay throughout the day–

Gwen reaches in her bookbag and pulls out a half of sandwich in a Ziploc bag. Milo looks down at it before looking back up at Gwen.

Gwen: Take it.

Milo: That’s your lunch though.

Gwen: I had half of it already.

Milo: But what if you get–

Gwen: *giggles* Milo, just take it.

Milo takes the Ziploc bag from Gwen and opens it up. He begins to quickly eat the sandwich; clearly hungry. He looks at Gwen, who is looking at him, destroying the sandwich.

Gwen: Not hungry, huh?

Milo adjusts himself as Gwen laughs. He looks at her, laughing shortly after. Before tossing the Ziploc bag out, he notices writing on it. He looks at it.

Milo: ‘Gwyneth’?

Gwen’s face turns red; hiding it with her hands.

Milo: *tries not to laugh* Wait, is your actual first name Gwyneth? Like Gwyneth Paltrow?

Gwen snatches the bag away from Milo, stuffing it in her book bag.

Milo: I mean, I’m not judging… it’s just…

Gwen: You’re like 2 seconds away from laughing, Milo!

Milo starts laughing, but immediately stops himself.

Milo: I didn’t expect that Gwen was actually short for Gwyneth. I thought your name was just Gwen.

Gwen: *sighs* If only my parents were simple like that. At least you’re just Milo…

Milo shakes his head.

Milo: If only my parents were simple. My dad is a native Filipino, and I’m an only child.

Gwen: What does one have to do with the other?

Milo: My birth name needs its own page on the Scantron; let’s just say that.

Gwen laughs. This makes her feel better.

Gwen: Wait, so what is your birth name?

Milo: I’d have to be six feet in my grave before telling you my full name. *laughs*

Gwen playfully rolls her eyes. Milo smiles, hard.

The bell rings, which means the two teens must pack up and go to their next class of the day.

Milo: I’m sorry if I distracted you from practicing during our lunch period.

Gwen: It’s alright. I didn’t mind just chatting.

Milo smiles before getting up towards the exit of the rehearsal room. He turns around one last time.

Milo: You should come to my band’s show this Friday!

Gwen: *off-guard* What?

Milo: It’ll be fun! Of course if you’re not busy.

Gwen: You don’t have to invite me; it’s alright–

Milo: Gwen.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. She waits for Milo to speak again.

Milo: I’ll send you the address on AIM, okay?

Gwen: Okay.

Milo smiles and the warning bell rings in the hallway.

Milo: *teases* I’ll see you in band, Gwyneth.

Milo laughs as Gwen nudges him in the shoulder. Milo walks out of the rehearsal room afterwards.