The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something That Brothers Do: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

It’s been a rough couple of days trying to get my head back on straight.

No matter what I focus my energy on these days, they are constantly going back to that night where I found Grace just sitting on my front doorsteps. For her to even remember my address on the letters I wrote to her all those years ago… something about it was telling.

But maybe she simply had no other choice that night, considering she’s in a foreign country.

I began typing out this week’s progress report in my office; it was one thing I left to do at the very last minute, which wasn’t the ideal thing to do. Needless to say, I was glad that this assignment would take up most of my time today…

Until it didn’t.

I heard a slight knock on my office door. I looked up to see one of the assistants slowly opening the door. He bowed as he greeted me.

“Mr. Kim, you have a visitor,” the assistant said. The other person walked inside my office; it was Shawn.

“Thank you, Junhwan,” I said as he closed the office door. Shawn stood in the middle of my office, taking a good look around.

“Still in this hole in the wall, huh?” Shawn teased. I scoffed as I shook my head. He smiled as I got closer to give him a hug.

“Ya; how have you been?” I asked as I let him go from the hug. He sighed, walking around the office to avoid sitting in one place. I could tell he was nervous.

“I’ve been better,” Shawn admitted. “Things have been quiet.”

“Is that a good thing or bad thing?” I asked, watching him roam around the office.

“A little bit of both,” Shawn answered, stopping in place to look back and answer. “Sky and I have been going about our day as if nothing happened, which I guess is good considering she could’ve broke things off by now–“

“Ya,” I groaned, not liking Shawn’s attitude. “She wouldn’t leave you, she just needs some time to process things.”

“She hasn’t been acting like herself though,” Shawn emphasized. “I wish I didn’t propose to her while we were here. Now it just feels like she’s checked out.”

“She’s slowly losing her father,” I gently explained, trying to make Shawn understand the situation clearer. “You didn’t do anything wrong, and she knows that this isn’t about you or your relationship.” I was being completely honest with Shawn. Knowing that you’re losing a parent changes the way you see the rest of the world around you. You don’t know how to let those you love that it’s never about them, but you know that you can’t mentally be the same person you were before this occurrence. It was one of the many reasons why Seohyun and I didn’t work out. As my father’s health began to decline, I felt like I was also drifting away from the people around me. It wasn’t Seohyun’s fault that her boyfriend couldn’t mentally juggle his relationship with her and the one he had with his family.

Isn’t that always the case?

I looked at Shawn again, focusing on the present. Shawn sat in the seat playing with the zipper of his windbreaker.

“Why don’t you and Skylar come over for dinner one of these nights?” I insisted, leaning back in my chair. “I’ll have Haram come over that night as well.”

“Yeah,” Shawn said, not really convincing.

“Mwo?” I asked. “What?”

“I sense that Haram doesn’t really… approve of Sky,” Shawn said, getting more nervous as each word come out of his mouth. “Cultural differences, it seems like.” Aigoo. Was she that obvious the last time?

“Haram values her culture, but it doesn’t mean she dislikes people that aren’t familiar to them,” I defended. “Tons of people even in Korea don’t solely value the culture the same way–“

“Hyung, thankfully you’re a prosecutor and not a defense attorney,” Shawn teased, chuckling to himself. “I appreciate you trying to bring all of us together, but I think it’s just… weird.”

“Weird?” I repeated.

“Weird,” he solidified, looking directly at me. “Haram seems like a great, sophisticated woman, but every chance I saw her she was looking at Sky like she was some… some stereotype–“

“Haram isn’t that shallow,” I interrupted, getting annoyed with Shawn. I didn’t want to fight with him about this, only because he had other things on his mind. I sighed before leaning forward toward my desk. “How about we just do something with the guys. You, Kevin, and me. We haven’t all been in the same room as each other since–“

“Since we were last in America,” Shawn finished the sentence. “And that was the last time I saw Kevin in person.” Shawn and Kevin used to be best friends; they were closer than I was to any of them at the time. I tried to convince Shawn to talk to Kevin when we got himself situated back in America, but Shawn holds onto his pride tighter than any other person I know. Shawn was able to go after the love of his life, yet he still held this resentment towards Kevin when we all had to fly back after his girlfriend told Kevin she was pregnant.

“I think making amends with Kevin will help you see things clearly with Skylar,” I admitted. Shawn didn’t like that.

“What?!” he reacted, nearly jumping out of his seat. “What does Kevin have anything to do with my relationship with Sky?!

“Talking to me about Skylar puts you in the middle of a very messy triangle,” I began to explain. “Plus, I think Kevin can really give you some good advice on how to handle everything happening. You know JooAh said no to his first proposal, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Shawn answered, growing annoyed now. “And it wasn’t until he knocked her up that she finally said yes. Is that what you’re telling me? Get Sky pregnant or something?”

“Ya,” I roared, making Shawn’s rambling come to a halt. “Listen, you know you are my brother for life; as is Kevin. And I know you and Kevin were like blood brothers before all of this happened. Kevin had no control over what happened back here in Korea with JooAh, just how you don’t have any control what’s happening in America with Skylar’s family.”

“It’s completely different–“

“Yeah?” I got up from my seat as I slammed my hands on top of my desk. “You do know that sooner or later, Skylar is going to need to go back to America to be with her family. What if I get never talk to you again because I was mad for you leaving me in Korea by myself having to deal with Grace?” Grace? What?

“Grace?” Shawn questioned. “What does Grace have to do with any of this?”

“Nothing, it’s just a theoretical situation,” I quickly tried to cover up my slip up. “The point I’m trying to make is that you wouldn’t have liked it if one of us treated you the way that you treated Kevin.”

“So what; you’re demanding me to come over to make up with Kevin? I don’t have to do anything you want me to do.” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest, looking away from me.

“You don’t,” I started to say. “Hell, you don’t even have to listen to word I’m saying, but I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear because that is just something that brothers do. They say the shit that they know they don’t want to hear, but they say it anyway because they care about them.” Shawn finally looked at me but didn’t say anything back. A knock on my office door is what broke the silence; it was Junhwan again.

“Mr. Kim,” he began to say. “Hangyeol-nim is expecting your completed report.”

“Thank you, I’ll make sure it gets to him within the hour,” I said and smiled as Junhwan closed the office door. I sighed, immediately letting go of the smile as I looked at Shawn. “Before you go back to America, please consider the three of us having dinner together.” Shawn doesn’t say anything; he just sighs as he gets up from his seat to walk towards the exit. “Shawn?” He turned around to look at me, waiting to see what else I had to say.

“Tell Skylar I said hi,” I simply said. Shawn faintly smiled before opening the office door, and leaving.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: “What Worked For You Then May Not Work For You Now.”

liz

One thing they do not tell you about your 30s is that truly, the chemicals in your brain shift.

It may not be in a literal sense, but figuratively it feels like something switches on as soon as you hit 30. Everything looks different to you. Everything feels different to you. You’re left in a place where you don’t really know what to expect or how to adjust because the switch doesn’t give you the time to prepare. It just happens, and when it does, it’s crucial.

In 3 months, I will be 31 years old, which is shocking since it feels like I just turned 30 but at the same time lived so much life being 30. These last 9 months have changed me as a person. It changed how I thought, felt, and even how to regulate those said things.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s been fucking scary.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning that the survival tactics I created for myself no longer work for this version of who I am.

I grew up being an entirely different person than I was when I was younger. I had a fairly normal childhood; I never felt like I had to be older than my actual age or deal with the world in the way other kids may had to. I am the youngest in my family so that deemed me the “baby” of the house. We are deemed the spoiled ones; we got away doing a lot of the things our older siblings didn’t and rarely got blamed for any wrongdoing that we done.

But many of the times our concerns and worries were never addressed or concerned because we were the youngest; parents thought they had the formula of parenting down by the time they have their second or third kid. In many cases, it’s our younger siblings that keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves because they’ve accepted the fact that no one asks them how they were doing.

We involuntarily assign ourselves the role of being the strong one. The one that seems to always be put together socially, personally, and mentally. The one that succeeds in everything that they do without showing any signs of a struggle. The one that always has a smile on their face despite the situation. The one that everyone assumes is so independent, they don’t need to check-in on them.

I don’t know when I assigned myself this role. I think these roles are assigned to people without them even realizing it, to be honest. I didn’t know this was my role until much later in life, when it started to affect me in a way it never did before.

My role simply isn’t indefinite, and the power it holds does not serve me in the way it once did.

“Just because you‘re strong doesn’t mean you have to be strong all the time.” Those are words I’ve said to other strong people who are hurting and thinking it was that easy to shed the role I only know how to be. I understand why hearing that can be frustrating; how do you just unlearn the habits and beliefs you grew up with? How do you tell yourself to not be strong in this moment when that’s all you know what to be when you’re in survival mode?

As I’m writing this, I still don’t know the answer, nor think I’ll know it anytime soon.

I think with everything complicated in life, you learn the answer as you go (and grow) through the experience. I look back and think about the things I once feared of doing due to how much it took me out of my comfort zone. I’ve realized that I had to be uncomfortable in order to find what works for me and how to adjust myself in the future. There’s a lot I’ve done in the past couple of years that made me uncomfortable, but I am where I am because of it.

Half of the challenge is to completely unlearn the beliefs that ultimately shaped you into the person you are today as well. For me, I feel like a lot of things I’ve done and accomplished was because of believing I had to. I had to be nonchalant and pretend what I was going through wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. In a way, it positively shaped me into who I am today, but as I get older I am realizing that even with the work being done, it is okay to ask for help. Asking for help will not make you any less strong.

It’s okay to say that what worked for me back then may not work for me now.

Moving forward, I have to learn to live my life. I have to learn to be strong for myself the same way that I am strong to others. I have to learn to be gentle with myself the same way I am gentle to others. In a nutshell, I need to say and believe that the love I had for others can also be used for myself. I have to learn a lot about what it means to put myself first even in the situations where we’ve learned that loved ones and family should always take priority in your life. At the end of the day, they are people that have to look out for themselves as well.

I have to learn that it’s okay to let go of survival tactics that do not help me survive anymore, and that doesn’t mean you can’t handle it anymore. It simply means you’re able to survive without needing that tactic anymore.

And that alone makes you even a stronger person than before.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something For Us To Work On: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I was glad to have had a day without having rehearsals. After the night I had, I don’t think my body was strong enough for an intense rehearsal before a show. I needed to rest my mind for the day; before I was able to do that, I needed to get in contact with my family back in America.

I walked out of the elevator in my building and turned the corner to go down the hallway. I was so happy to finally be back at the hotel. Of course, nothing I ever need comes easy and was faced with something else I needed to handle: Sahim.

I see Sahim sitting on the ground outside of my door. I slowly walk down the hall, closer to him. He looked up and quickly got off from the ground. He looked like he wasn’t happy.

“Sahim,” I said as I stopped in front of my door. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve tried calling you this morning to check on you,” Sahim said, seemingly annoyed. “You weren’t answering so I tried to stop by your room and check on you instead.”

“I just had to clear my mind off of everything that happened yesterday,” I sighed as I said, then giving Sahim a faint smile. “I’m okay now. Just needed some fresh air or something.”

“Where’d you go?” Sahim asked.

“Just out,” I said, not knowing what else to say. “I woke up really early and just went for a walk.” Sahim looked at me, analyzing my clothes. I know he’s wondering why I’m wearing the same clothes from last night.

“How are you feeling though?” Sahim softly asked me, changing the subject. “I know yesterday we didn’t end the night on good terms; it’s one of the reasons why I wanted to come by and see you.”

“I know,” I began to say, playing with the string of Sahim’s pullover hoodie. “I’m sorry for how things went yesterday. I didn’t mean to get angry at you for something you had nothing to do with.”

“I should’ve gave you your space when you asked for it,” Sahim insisted, returning the faint smile back. “And we should’ve had our conversation when you were ready to have it.” I sighed, knowing exactly what conversation he was talking about.

“Regardless, it needed to be had,” I stated, looking directly at Sahim. “It wasn’t fair for me to keep something like this from you.” Sahim’s expression on his face doesn’t change, which makes me worried. What if we can’t get past this? What if I ruined yet another relationship thinking I was doing the right thing? “Do you want to grab some coffee or something?”

“Grace,” Sahim simply said as he sighed. “I don’t want you bottling up things to keep the peace.”

“I’m not,” I quickly said, a little annoyed. “I just want to get some coffee and get my day started. So do you want to come with me or not?”

“We really need to talk about things,” Sahim emphasized. I rolled my eyes, which made Sahim scrunch his eyebrows together. “We can’t just brush it off like things weren’t said.”

“What is there to talk about?” I questioned, crossing my arms along my chest. “What happened yesterday had nothing to do with you—“

“Besides the point that you said Jamie was your ex,” Sahim recalled. “Would you have been so nonchalant if the roles were reversed?”

“I wouldn’t have made it such a big deal after explaining to you the circumstances,” I spat out. “Shawn and Jamie are like family, snd Shawn is dating Skylar. It’s not weird if I bump into Jamie at gatherings because of that.”

“Then why didn’t you ever tell me?” Sahim asked. “If it wasn’t a big deal, why did you act like you and him didn’t know each other?”

“Because we would’ve had the same useless conversation we’re having now,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “Seriously Sahim, I have other things to worry about besides my ex-boyfriend. I have to worry about my family and what’s going on back home.”

“I get that and I respect that, but it’s not fair to backlog this just because it doesn’t matter to you. What if this matters to me?” I was getting annoyed with Sahim thinking I didn’t care about our relationship enough to talk things out.

“This does matter to me,” I began to say. “But I literally have to deal with my family first. We will talk later; I promise.” I smiled at Sahim to reassure him that I was being serious. I really did care about Sahim and wanted to work things out with him, but I couldn’t have this conversation with him right now. For fuck’s sake, not when I just got back from spending the night at Jamie’s.

“Okay,” he simply said, looking down at me. “How about we go out tonight? That hotpot place we’ve been meaning to try out?”

“I would love to,” I smiled as I said, kissing him on the cheek. “Meet me in the lobby by 7. I should be ready by then.” Sahim smiled and kissed my forehead before walking away from my door. As soon as he turned the corner of the hallway, I let out a deep breath and opened the door to my room.

I immediately threw my bag on my bed, sitting at the edge of it to make this phone call. I shut my eyes as I dialed my dad’s number. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I needed to get this off of my chest.

“Grace?” I hear my dad’s voice answer the phone.

“Hi dad,” I greeted, feeling relieved as soon as I do. “How are things back home?”

“Everything’s good,” he answered. “We have Willow for the week while Max is away with his wife. Mom took her to the beach today as I got some work done on this case. They’re both pooped from today.”

“I’ll definitely have to video chat with her later this week,” I said, smiling at the thought. “Max told me that Willow’s new obsession are collecting seashells.”

“She brought her box of seashells with her to add more this week,” my dad laughed as he explained. “Luckily, your mom loves the beach. But how’s everything going with you? We haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

“Yeah,” I sighed as I answered. “With the production a little past the midway point, I’ve been tasked to work on a couple of numbers for the show.”

“Like choreographing?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I answered, smiling. “It’s been exciting. It’s making me excited to go back and teach at the academy.” I enjoyed being on stage each night and performing all these different numbers of the production, but I feel like my best work is when I’m creating the magic behind the scenes; putting together the story through movement and making sure that the dancer is efficiently telling that story. There are times I want to do nothing but go back to the academy and do just that, but a part of me knows I have to finish this production; not just for the sake of it all, but for myself. I can go back to the academy and start this new life once I finish this one.

“That’s great, Grace,” my dad said. I could tell he was smiling through the phone. “Are you making sure you take time to yourself? Eat? Exploring the country?”

“Yes, dad,” I said, adjusting my seat. “I’m actually going to this hotpot place for dinner tonight. I’m definitely doing some exploring while I’m here.” There was a moment where both of us was silent. “Dad, I–“

“I know,” he said, sighing as he did. “Uncle Mason called me. Skylar called him in a frenzy late at night.” I squeezed my eyes shut. Fuck. I should’ve called last night.

“So you weren’t going to tell me what was going on?” I asked, feeling annoyed. “You were just gonna leave me in the dark about Uncle Mason’s condition?”

“This isn’t something you need to be worrying about,” my dad began to explain.

“I still should’ve known what’s going on!” I said loudly, now getting angry. “God forbid if he’d just dropped dead while I was in Korea–“

“It wouldn’t get to that point, Grace,” my dad stated. “He’s doing okay for now. He’s in the right hands and he’s taking it easy but he’s doing okay.”

“It’s the fact that no one was going to tell me what’s going on back home until shit was too late,” I argued. “I have the right to know what’s going on back at home; for fuck’s sake, I’m still a part of the family–“

“Grace,” my dad interrupted. He sighed before he continued. “I’m sorry that we didn’t tell you. I know how much Uncle Mason means to you and you should’ve known what was going on despite being so far away. We just didn’t want to distract you or worry you; you already have so much on your plate over there.”

“I refuse to be left in the dark about my family, dad,” I emphasized once more.

“And you’re not going to be,” my dad responded back, now in a stern way. “I promise.” Nothing else was said after that; it was kind of hard to jump to another topic of discussion after having such a heavy one. “So, mom is already planning this huge welcome back party for when you get back.” I started to laugh; that sounds like my mother.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“She’s excited for you to get back,” my dad said. “That’s all she talks about.” The thought makes me smile. I’ve learned to move past my resentment toward my mother the older I get and the more I understand the decisions she made. In a way, I made the same decisions with the same logic she made when she was my age. I’ve learned to accept that her mistakes were hers to make, and they are not a reflection of the ones I made in my life. I see just how much she cherishes her family after thinking she lost it all those years ago. Because of her willing to get her family back, I was able to never lose mine.

“I’ll call you and mom during the week before Willow goes back to Max,” I smiled as I said.

“That sounds like a plan,” my dad said before letting out a sigh. “Well, let me get back to finishing this paperwork before I call it a night. You work later today?”

“I have off today,” I answered. “I’ll probably relax before our next round of rehearsals start this week.”

“Make sure to enjoy your time there, Grace.” my dad reminded me. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Bye, dad,” I said before hanging up the phone. I sighed, walking toward the window of my room to look out to the city. I really should do some exploring.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

My Mistakes To Live By: A Milo Monologue.

liz

My ears were ringing the longer the silence lingered in the room. I can see Jennifer’s shocked expression turn quickly into anger. I only glance over to see my dad’s face; his is harder to read.

“I know you were not in my studio with that fast-ass girl!” Jennifer spat out.

“Don’t call her out her name!” I yelled back, immediately feeling my body tense up. “She has nothing to do with this–“

“Get dressed and meet me upstairs,” my dad said in an ominous voice. I was grateful that he wasn’t yelling at me, but I know that would quickly change once I got upstairs. I looked at Sophie coming out from her hiding place slowly. I tried to walk over to her to help put her sweater back on, but Jennifer immediately shut that idea down.

“Nuh-uh, she’ll be alright,” Jennifer said, walking over toward us. “Go upstairs, and I’ll make sure she gets out of here.” I looked at Sophie; she looks terrified and I feel like absolute shit because of it. I walked away from Sophie and towards the exit of the rehearsal room. Jennifer pointed towards the back staircase of the studio; the one that leads up straight to the house upstairs.

I walked up the back staircase that led to the kitchen area. I looked around and immediately saw my father sitting at the dining room table. Fuck. He looks up and spots me near the back door. There was no turning back now.

“Sit,” my dad said, looking down at his cellphone as he did. I didn’t want to have this conversation with him; who knows how this would turn out. I stood in place; it was like my feet were glued to the floor. My dad looked up at me when he realized I wasn’t moving. “Now.”

I walked over to the table, pulling out a seat from across the table. My dad flipped his phone upside down on the table before looking at me. I knew he was communicating with Jennifer through text message.

“What’s going to happen with Sophie?” I asked.

“Right now, you should be worrying about what’s going to happen with you,” my dad responded back. He was now visibly angry with me. “I give you an inch, yet you decide to take the whole fucking mile–“

“It really isn’t what it looked like,” I tried to explain.

“The fact of the matter is that you were here with a girl without anyone else home, Milo!” my dad shouted. “I trusted you to leave you home alone while we went out, and you broke that trust for some girl–“

“She’s not just some girl!” I spat back, feeling defensive.

“You’re right,” my dad agreed, leaning back in his seat. “Sophie is more than just some girl.” I swallowed hard, not knowing what he meant by that. “Which is what makes this situation far more worse.”

“You’re making it seem like did… it,” I said, avoiding saying the actual word. It was weird to have this conversation with my dad about a girl that I saw as my friend more than an hour ago.

“Sex? What’s wrong? Can’t say it out loud?” my dad crossed his arms along his chest as he asked. “You want to do grown up shit, but can’t say said grown up shit?”

“We weren’t going to have sex,” I spat back. “I’m not as stupid as you were with mom.” I wanted my words to string. I wanted him to know that I was nothing like him and that I knew better. I wasn’t stupid to do such a stupid thing like the stupid thing he did when he was my stupid age.

“Well it sure as hell was getting close to it,” my dad scoffed. “What do you think would’ve happen if we didn’t come home? Huh?” I didn’t answer him. I know he was insinuating that we would have gotten carried away. We would’ve gotten carried away. “Exactly.”

“You think you know me so well,” I commented, annoyed at the way my dad was talking to me. “You think you know what’s my next move and what’s best for me because you think that I’m so much like you—“

“I was 15 once too,” my dad interrupted. “And you want to know what I did when I was 15?”

“Yeah, I know; you never let me hear the end of it,” I said, annoyed. “If you regret doing it so much, then why didn’t you tell mom to just get rid of me? Huh? Since it seems like I robbed you of your teenage years or something!”

“You think that’s how I feel?” my dad said loudly, growing more angry the longer we spoke. “You think that’s why I’m so upset at what you did today?”

“This isn’t the first time you caught Sophie here with me alone,” I leaned forward, reminding him of what happened last summer. “So why are you making this time such a big fucking deal? Just ground me—“

“You think this is a game,” my dad spat out. “You think you know what you’re doing and you’re not capable of making the same mistakes as I did—“

“These are my mistakes to live by!” I yelled, cutting my dad off. Nothing was said after that; he just looked at me. Did he finally get the picture? Does he finally realize that I am my own person bound to make their own mistakes? He leaned back in his seat, speechless in a way. He finally sighed before he started to speak again.

“The thing you fail to realize, Milo, is that while your mistakes are your own to make, your mistakes are also universal ones. You are not the first person in this world to make these mistakes,” my dad explained as he adjusted in his seat. “And to be quite honest, this is your second time getting caught with Sophie in this house without one of us here.” I could feel his eyes dart into mine when he looks at me. “This time wasn’t a mistake.”

“Dad,” I whined, trying to get a word into the conversation.

“I don’t want to hear it,” he emphasized. “You want to act like a man? Then I’m going to talk to you like a man.” My dad gets up from the seat across from me and sits to the one next to me. I was feeling uneasy at this moment. “I know that you are infatuated with this girl. You are wearing rose-tinted glasses and nothing else around you matters besides spending all of your time with her. You are willing to jeopardize your friendship with Mollie because she’s dating someone that you don’t like and you’re getting romantically close to someone she doesn’t like.” I looked at my dad, swallowing the dry lump stuck in my throat. “I’m not caught up in your school drama, but I know my son.”

“But—“

“A mistake is when you do something that you ultimately regret doing when you are faced with consequences. The first time was a mistake; one that you should’ve learned from. This time wasn’t a mistake. It was a decision you chose to make.”

“She just came over to rehearse for the showcase, that’s all—“ I tried to explain to my dad what the circumstances really were, but the more my father spoke, the more I felt like he was reading into my soul. It was like he knew the answers to everything, and that was bothering me, because he wasn’t necessarily… wrong.

“Milo,” he simply replied to me. “If Jennifer and I didn’t come home when we did, would you have had sex with Sophie?”

“What?” I quickly said as if it was a reflex. “Why would you even take it to extreme like that? Sophie and I are friends—“

“Milo, I wasn’t born yesterday,” my dad stated, getting annoyed with me now. “I know you see Sophie more than just a friend, and I know you like her more than you are putting on. I know you are falling for her; quickly even.” At that moment, I felt my tongue tying itself in a knot. Falling for Sophie? Like… is this me falling in love with Sophie? How would I even know what that looked like? My dad sighed as his face softened. “I need you to answer my question, Milo. Did you invite Sophie over today to have sex with her?”

“No,” I said, knowing that was the truth. “I did not invite her for that.”

“Do you think it would have gone that far if we didn’t come home in time?” he asked. I didn’t know how to answer that question. We did things in that studio that we never did with each other before. I never saw so much of Sophie’s skin like that before, and I never showed so much of my own to another girl either. I never felt my skin get as hot as it did as it touched hers. I never kissed a girl like that before. I never felt those things I felt with her before.

“I… I don’t know,” I answered. “Sophie’s not that type of girl, dad.” He sighed as he leaned back on the chair, brushing his hair back with his hand.

“Neither was your mom,” my dad said under his breath. It got me super angry.

“Sophie is nothing like mom,” I spat out. “Sophie is smart and sophisticated and classy and—“

“Milo,” my dad stoically said. “You hold Sophie up on this pedestal because of how you feel about her, but if you feel this way about her, don’t you think she would feel the same way towards you? This isn’t about her character. I know Sophie is all of those things, but she’s human too that feels human emotions as intense as you do.” He briefly looks away and sighs, as if he’s gathering his thoughts to form the next sentence. “Despite what you want to tell me or not, but I know that you and Sophie will end up doing it.”

I take in everything that my dad is telling me in this moment. I can’t help but replay the entire day over in my head. I want to do nothing but hug Sophie to comfort her, say sorry for putting her in this situation and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I want to consider today a mistake, but I don’t feel bad for the time we spent together. I don’t think I ever could.

“I’m going to ask you again, Milo; and be honest or else we can’t move past this point.” my dad looks at me in the face, closer than before. “Do you believe that things would’ve gone to that point if we didn’t come home when we did?” I tried choosing my words carefully before I answered. What the fuck do you tell your dad in a situation like this? How do you finally allow yourself to feel the things you really feel? How do you honor what you feel without feeling like you’re also ruining the beauty of it at the same time?

My dad knows the answer; not because it’s taken me longer to answer, but I can’t help but look at him. I look at him not wanting to say anything, but in doing just that is telling him everything he already knows.

“I can’t stop you from doing what you’re gonna do,” he began to say. “I can only have these conversations with you to ensure that you do the right thing. My dad didn’t sit me down to have these conversations when I was young and very much in love with your mom. Instead, he kicked me out of the house long after finding out. I’m not going to do that to you.” This was the first moment in our conversation that felt calm. My dad was no longer trying to antagonize me for having Sophie over, and I was no longer trying to hide the fact that Sophie and I were dangerously close to doing… it.

Before I can say anything, my dad’s phone vibrates on the table. He checks his message; I know it was Jennifer. He began to get up from the table. “Jennifer just dropped Sophie off at her house—“

“Dad?” I said before he started to walk away. He turned around to look at me. “It really wasn’t Sophie’s fault. I was the one that invited her over. I wanted to hang out with her for my birthday today.” My dad nodded his head as if he already knew that was my true intention for what happened today. Nothing else was planned after that; everything just happened so fast. So fast, neither of us couldn’t keep control of the situation.

My dad turned around and held his palm out. Fuck.

“You’ll only have your phone on you when you’re at school for the next week,” he simply said. “In the meantime, we still have to get ready to go to Lydia’s tonight for your birthday.” I took my phone out from my pocket and put it in my dad’s hand. He placed it in his pocket and finally walked out of the dining room area, leaving me in there with nothing but my thoughts.

What do I do now with this newfound information? What do I do now knowing this is truly how I feel about this? Us? Her?

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #27: The Truth About Gwen.

liz

After Milo and Gwen grab a slice of pizza from the local pizza parlor, they walk down a suburban block; Milo isn’t familiar with the area. Gwen walks with Milo and stopping in front of a house. Milo observes the outside of the house, noticing the treehouse out front.

Gwen: Here we are.

Milo: Whoa…

Milo looks at the house in awe; he’s not used to seeing the pretty houses in Brooklyn.

Gwen: *giggles* Come on.

Gwen opens the front gate and enters the vicinity of the house. She walks over to the tree in her front yard, climbing the ladder attached to the tree trunk. Milo watches her as she reaches the treehouse.

Gwen: *looking down* Climb up!

Milo: *nervous* Are you sure?

Gwen: *teases* Is Milo afraid of heights?

Milo: *defensive* How can you ask a question like that?!

Gwen laughs as she sticks her head back int the treehouse.

Milo: Gwen?

Gwen doesn’t answer back. Milo lets out a deep breath and starts to slowly climb up the ladder. Once he reaches the treehouse, he sees Gwen lookin at him; she laughs.

Gwen: Took you long enough.

Milo rolls his eyes as he takes in his surroundings. In Gwen’s treehouse, there’s built-in bookshelves full of different novels. Blankets over the bottom of the floor and fairy lights surround the ceiling. Milo looks at Gwen.

Milo: Is this your secret hideout?

Gwen: It’s not so secret if my parents built it for me.

Milo: *shocked* They built this?

Gwen: *nods head* It was my birthday gift when I turned 13. I always wanted a treehouse, and I guess asking my parents for a treehouse for my birthday each year paid off.

Milo laughs. He notices some binders on top of one of the shelves; he takes one off.

Milo: You do your homework in here or something?

He flips through the binder; it’s all sheet music with different notes on the margins of the pages.

Gwen: I practice up here.

Milo: You have room to do that here?

Gwen: *laughs* Clearly. Before getting into Waverly, I practiced my audition piece up here day and night. Of course, I had to stop on some nights once the neighbors started to complain hearing the same five chords over and over again.

Milo laughs as he skims through the binder.

Milo: You take this very seriously.

Gwen: Don’t you?

Milo looks up at Gwen; he doesn’t say anything right away.

Milo: Y-yeah. I do.

Gwen: That wasn’t very convincing. Thankfully, you’re not a drama major.

Milo chuckles, then sighing before he speaks.

Milo: I enjoy playing the violin, but if I had to choose which major I enjoy more–

Gwen: *disappointed* You’d pick vocal…

Milo: *tries to explain* I really do enjoy being in band, don’t get me wrong–

Gwen: You just prefer vocal; that’s okay.

Awkward silence between the two teens.

Milo: It’s not that I prefer it, it’s just something I’ve done longer so I feel like I’m better at it.

Gwen: But you’re a dual major; obviously you had to be great in your band audition for you to get into the–

Gwen stops mid-sentence. She sighs once she puts it together.

Gwen: … the strings section, which is currently the least competitive part of the band program. *awkwardly laughs* I guess that’s why you’re so laxed in band.

Milo: The program has potential to be great… it’s just a matter of if everyone else in the section wants to be great.

Gwen: *defeated* You can’t persuade people in doing something they don’t want to do.

Milo scrunches his eyebrows together, feeling a type of way about Gwen’s perspective on things.

Milo: I know you can turn this program around with your talent.

Gwen: *scoffs* Yeah, okay.

Milo: *annoyed* Take credit where its due, Gwen. You work super hard for your position in the strings section and honestly, you’re way better than even those in the dual major program. You have the opportunity to turn this program around!

Gwen fidgets with her hair; she looks sad.

Gwen: Yeah… I guess…

Milo: *optimistic* And by the time we graduate in 2010, you’d be voted as the best violinist in our grade on top of being the valedictorian.

Gwen: Yeah…

Milo notices Gwen’s body language shift.

Milo: Are you okay?

Gwen: Yeah, yeah; I’m fine.

Milo isn’t convinced.

Milo: Was it something I said?

Gwen: No, it’s…

Gwen shifts in her seat and sighs. She pulls the long, black locks off of her head, revealing her short, blonde hair.

Gwen: I haven’t been honest with you, Milo.

Milo: *confused* About what?

Gwen tosses the black hair wig toward Milo.

Gwen: About this.

Milo: I’m… lost.

Gwen: Milo, you talk so freely about the future and all of the things you want to do. You talk about college and where you’ll be when we’re seniors and… it must be nice to actually know that those things will eventually happen for you.

Milo: Those things can easily happen to you too, Gwen–

Gwen: *mumbles* They can’t.

Milo looks at Gwen; not comprehending what Gwen is saying.

Milo: Why can’t they happen to you?

Gwen looks back up at Milo, hesitant to say anything.

Milo: You can trust me.

Gwen: I know, which is why talking about this makes it even harder…

Milo puts his hand on Gwen’s shoulder for support, sporting a smile for reassurance. Gwen lets out a deep breath after gaining back her composure.

Gwen: I have cancer.

Milo looks at Gwen; holding his breath. He doesn’t know what to say. Gwen knows this.

Gwen: I started to lose my hair because of the treatment I was on. That’s why I wear this wig; it makes me feel a little bit normal while experiencing something that’s not normal in the slightest.

Milo still can’t find the words to say. He continues to look at Gwen, hoping she would continue to speak.

Gwen: I will always let those I care about celebrate and anticipate their futures; it’s motivating and inspirational–

Milo: You will get to do all the thigs you plan to do in the future.

Gwen: *smiles* Thanks, Milo. I’ve already come to terms with the idea that while I still have so much left to do, there will be a time that I won’t. That’s okay.

Milo looks disheartened. Gwen notices; it’s her that touches his shoulder for comfort.

Gwen: Thank you for not completely freaking out or feeling sorry for me. That’s the one thing I hate when I tell people; they start treating me as if this is my last day to live and it’s like, dude; I’m not dying just yet!

Milo: *laughs* I feel like that’s just people’s natural reaction to news like this. They think they’re being sympathetic but really it’s degrading in a way.

Gwen: Exactly that. Like sure, my hair is thinning and people only associate that with cancer, but please treat me like I am just a normal teenager.

Milo looks down at the wig and back to Gwen. He smiles as he takes off his beanie and puts it on Gwen’s head. She looks at him confused.

Milo: Wear it. A hat is much more comfortable than an itchy wig. *recalls* I mean… the hat looks good on you.

Gwen laughs and smiles. She looks around and reaches for a hair scrunchie on top of one of her shelves. She hands it over to Milo.

Gwen: Just so that your hair isn’t always in your face now that your beanie is off. *smiles* You look nice with your hair pulled back anyway.

Milo blushes as he takes the hair scrunchie; he looks in Gwen’s tiny compact mirror and ties his hair with it. He likes it.

Milo: Thanks, Gwen.

Silence fills the space in the treehouse. An older woman is heard calling out Gwen’s name from outside.

Gwen: *nervous* Shit–

Gwen shoves Milo’s head closer to the floor of the treehouse, making him undetectable from down below. Gwen pokes her head out of one the windows. The woman’s voice seems to be her mom, Phoebe.

Phoebe: It’s time for dinner! Plus, it’s getting chilly out here! It’s time to call it a night up there.

Gwen: Alright mom, be down in a second!

Gwen turns her head back around, looking at Milo. She laughs at the contortionist-like position he currently is. She helps him get up.

Milo: Didn’t know my body can do that.

Gwen: *teases* Definitely dance major worthy, but then they would have to make you a triple major.

Milo laughs at Gwen’s joke.

Milo: A dancer… *realizes* Oh shit, I gotta get going!

Gwen: Late for dance rehearsal?

Milo gathers his things quickly.

Milo: Late for curfew; I’m staying with Pe– a family friend while my folks are out of town. I don’t need this to go back to them.

Gwen: Oh! Go, go!

Milo begins to get ready to leave the treehouse through the ladder. before he goes down, he gives Gwen a hug. It shocks Gwen.

Gwen: What was that for?

Milo: For trusting me with your story.

Gwen smiles at Milo; he returns it back and begins to climb down the treehouse ladder.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The Day I Changed: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t stop reading Milo’s last text to me. I couldn’t believe Milo would say something as cruel as he did. We’ve known each other since we were babies. His decision to hit send on that last text made me question everything I knew about him. I immediately blocked his number and all of the social media accounts we’d followed each other on. Milo is fucking dead to me.

I looked down at my phone once the screen lit up on my bed. I wiped my eyes of all the tears I’ve cried because of that text. Of course, I went to the one person I knew I could trust. I picked up the phone, wiping my nose with the back of my sweater.

“Aaron,” I answered, clearly stuffy after crying. “I’m sorry for spazzing out, I–“

“Hey, it’s okay,” Aaron calmly said over the phone. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I just,” I began to say before I felt the tears start to build up in my eyes. “I need to get out of the house for a bit. Get my mind off of things and I just really want to see you.” I couldn’t help but wipe the tears already falling down my face. “I’ve been having such a shitty day and I just–“

“Meet me at the studio,” Aaron said. “The guys are leaving in 20 minutes but I’ll stay around.” I sniffled and smiled.

“Thanks,” I simply said before hanging up the phone. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath before opening my bedroom door to exit.

Walking down the stairs, my mom and Alex are in the kitchen putting groceries away. Alex was the first to notice me walk into the room.

“Hey, kid,” Alex greeted me. My mom turned around, still continuing to empty the grocery bags.

“Mol,” my mom called out for me. “Would you mind helping me set the table later on for dinner? Jennifer is coming over to celebrate Milo’s birthday. ” Fuck Milo.

“I was actually going to ask if I can go out for awhile, ” I asked, leaning against the doorframe. “I wanted to rehearse a couple of the songs for vocal with my friends.”

“Is Milo going with you?” my mom asked. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes every time she mentioned his name.

“No,” I quickly said. “He had made other plans.” Lies. I don’t give a shit what that loser was doing for his birthday. My mom stopped what she was doing and put her hand on her hip, now looking at me.

“Do I know these other friends?” she asked. I sighed, already annoyed that this was taking so long to do.

“Mom,” I simply said. “It’s practice for a show that’s literally in a week.”

“Let her go, babe,” Alex said to my mom. “She’s in high school now.” I looked at Alex, surprised that he was siding with me on this. My mom sighed loudly before picking up another grocery bag to continue her task.

“Just be back home before 6,” she said as she opened the cabinets. “Jennifer should be here by then.”

“Thanks,” I said as I quickly ran back upstairs to my room. I grabbed my bag from off of my bed and hurried back out to finally meet up with Aaron.

…

I looked for the studio that him and his band were practicing it. I finally see one of the doors open and his bandmates start to walk out. One of them accidentally bumps into me to which he immediately turns around.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry Mollie,” Xavier said to me. I smiled, waving it off as it being nothing. He turns around and calls out for Aaron. “Yo bro, your girl is here!”

“My girl has a name, X,” Aaron said, walking toward the front of the studio door. He smiles once he sees me. “Hey, Mols.”

“Hey, Aaron,” I simply said. Nothing else is said; Aaron looks at his bandmates, giving them a sign to leave. It looks like they get it as they start to pack their things up and leave the studio. I waved goodbye to them as Aaron closed the studio door behind them. He points to the sofa at the corner of the small studio space, gesturing me to sit down.

“So tell me what happened,” Aaron said, jumping straight to the point. “I don’t like to hear you sniffling and crying over the phone.”

“I’m sorry,” I started to say. “It’s just… I had gotten this really nasty text message and it just made me upset when I read it.”

“What did it say?” Aaron asked. I was afraid to tell him only because it involved him in a certain way. I didn’t want Aaron to get himself in trouble because of Milo. I couldn’t hide the worry in my face; he immediately knew it was bothering me. “Mols?” I didn’t want to say the words out loud; it felt dirty to actually do so. I felt defeated; I gave him my phone so that he can read the messages himself.

I see the expression visibly change on Aaron’s face has he read the messages. He was angry, most definitely, but was trying to mask it every time he saw he look at him. He sighed and handed the phone back to me. He looked down at his feet as if he couldn’t look at me anymore. It made me sad. Why does this have to be so difficult to enjoy?

“Just say it,” I said coldly, not looking at him. I can see he lifted his head up to look at me. I didn’t look back at him. “Just fucking say it–“

“What do you want me to say, Mollie?” Aaron finally said, turning his entire body to face me. I finally look up to face him.

“That I deserved it. I was the one that started the whole text thing. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.” I started to list off all of the rational things I did wrong in this situation. “But I’ve been hurt by Milo for so long now that I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to hurt him the way he’s hurt me.”

“Why do you let someone like Milo even get to you?” Aaron asked. “Seriously, Mols. I understand that you guys have been friends since the beginning of time. But, for fuck’s sake, he is the worst example of what a best friend should be.”

“That doesn’t mean that what he does or says doesn’t hurt, Aaron,” I argued back. “Like Milo and I–“

“Milo has made it clear time and time again that he does not see the same value in you the way you do for him,” He stated. “I don’t care how much shit you give him about what’s-her-face. A guy should never tell a girl what he said to you.” At this point, I couldn’t help but start crying. The last 11 years of my life that I visibly remember were full of memories that involved Milo. We hanged out with each other every single day during summer break as kids. We went on vacations together. We stood up for each other at school. We always put each other first when our friendship was put to the test. This time feels absolutely different. This time, I don’t think we will ever be what we once were.

Aaron immediately put his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. I couldn’t stop sobbing in Aaron’s body. I felt bad for him. He seemed to consult me more whenever Milo upsets me. It felt like I wasn’t doing anything that made him feel like I was actually his girlfriend. He lifted my head with the palm of his hands to look at me. His thumbs brush off the tears that were falling down my face.

“It’s going to be okay, Mols,” Aaron said as he looked into my eyes. “Whenever you’re upset, it makes me so angry. I’m trying my hardest to not punch Milo in the jaw for what he did.”

“If it was some random guy I’d say go for it,” I said, trying to lessen the tension of this conversation. I sighed once I realized Aaron was serious. “But it’s not even worth all the trouble it’ll cause. You’ll lose your dual major status, and I would never hear the end of it from my sister.” I looked at him before giving him a faint smile. “I appreciate your need to protect me though.” Aaron returned the gesture; faintly smiling as he let out a deep breath. I couldn’t stop looking at him in this moment.

I protect those I care about,” Aaron said in a cryptic way before looking into my eyes as well. “But you? I’m so in love with you, Mollie.” His words bubbled in me like a can of freshly opened soda. I wanted to scream it out to the world. I finally felt what love truly was. I know that there’s so much about love I still have to learn. In this moment, I felt an undeniable truth. I was also completely in love with Aaron.

He leaned in to kiss my lips and I immediately accepted it. This kiss felt different than the ones we typically share. Sure, we’ve made out before, but this felt more than just that. In a way, it felt like it was pure lust. I wanted nothing more than to feel Aaron’s skin on mine.

Jennifer always told me that you will know when our first time is meant to happen. “You will know when you’re with the right person to share that moment with. You’re not going to have that feeling with just anybody.”

I suddenly start to unzip Aaron’s hoodie as we continued to kiss. He helped by taking his arms out of the sleeves to place his hands on my face. He deepened the kiss as he grabbed the back of my neck and ran his fingers down my spine. Whoa. I get up from the sofa, breaking the kiss to stand in front of him. I looked at him sitting on the sofa as I began to take off my sweatshirt. Our eyes were locked on each other. In the heat of the moment, I sat on top of his lap, facing him to continue kissing him. I was feeling things I never felt before until I felt Aaron break up the kiss.

“Hold on,” Aaron said, catching his breath. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I looked at him, trying to not reveal just how vulnerable I was in this moment.

“Do… do you not want to do this?” I asked, looking at Aaron. He didn’t answer right away and I was beginning to feel too exposed. I was about to get off of Aaron, grab my things, and leave the studio. I’m stupid to ever misread his true intentions.

“I do,” Aaron started to answer. “More than anything, but–“

“But what?” I asked him, not letting him finish his sentence. “But you think I’m not ready or something?”

“Is this your first time doing it?” Aaron asked me, which took me back for a moment. “Is this where you want your first time to be?”

“Well, we would share our first time here together,” I try to persuade him. Aaron didn’t look convinced.

“Mols, this wouldn’t be my first time,” Aaron admitted. I looked at Aaron, surprised to what I just heard. I get up from his lap, backing away from the sofa.

“What?” I asked. I couldn’t say anything else but just that. I really wanted to ask the hard-hitting questions. Why didn’t I know this before? When was your first time? Who was it with? What made you decide that would be your first time? “What?”

“I don’t want our first time being on some dingy sofa in the studio,” Aaron explained, getting up from the seat. “I want your first time to be everything you’d imagine.”

“So, it’s true,” I said, disappointed. “I’m… I’m not your first?” I hated that my words were coming off this way. I didn’t want him to think I was saving myself for him, especially now that I knew he didn’t save himself for me. I feel so fucking stupid. I looked back at him, feeling angry more than anything now. “Why wouldn’t you tell me that you’d had sex already? Why was it this big secret?”

“We never spoke about this before,” Aaron answered, getting a bit defensive. “It wasn’t a big secret; you never asked.”

“That’s because I assumed you never had sex either!” I shouted back, reaching for my sweatshirt from the ground. “Like how are you gonna tell me moments before we do it that this isn’t your first time?”

“Mollie,” Aaron said my name in a stern way, keeping a straight face as he spoke to me. “The first time I had sex was with my girlfriend of two years. My last relationship. The one you know about.”

“Stop lying to me, Aaron,” I spat back, grabbing my things as I spoke. This was stupid for me to do. I feel so… fucking… stupid. “You’re trying to tell me you were having sex with your girlfriend in middle school?!” Aaron looked confused as if he couldn’t understand the language I was speaking in. “Were you just fucking girls behind my back these last couple of months and didn’t tell me?” His eyebrows scrunched together, visibly getting mad at me.

“Maybe if you didn’t jump to all of these conclusions, you’d allow me to speak,” Aaron spat out. “We clearly need to do more work before we both start thinking with our body parts–“

“Just fucking say it, Aaron!” I yelled out now, wanting nothing more to crawl out of my own skin and disappear. “Just say you don’t want to have sex with me because I’m inexperienced and you want someone who knows what they’re doing–“

“For fuck’s sake Mollie, I’m older than you!” Aaron admitted. “Have you thought about that possibility? I am not the same age as you!” I stood there in complete shock. I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

“You’re what?” I asked, now feeling extremely uncomfortable. I start to panic in the studio as I gathered my things to leave. “Oh my god, I can’t believe this, I can’t–“

“Mollie,” Aaron said as he grabbed my arms to look at me.

“Let go of me!” I screamed. I got out of his grasp, picking up the things I had dropped. “I can’t fucking believe you! You wouldn’t tell me something as important as you being older than me?!”

“Mols, it’s only by a year,” Aaron clarified. A year? I feel the tension leave my shoulders. God, I feel even more fucking stupid.

“A year?” I asked softly. “So… so you’re–“

“Gonna be 16 this year,” Aaron finished my sentence.

“Then how are you in all the freshman performing art class–“

“I’m a sophomore that transferred from another school, therefore placing me in those freshman classes,” Aaron further explained. “Mollie, why do you take things to the extreme without even letting me explain myself?” I don’t say anything back. I knew I fucked up and ruined what was suppose to be a memorable moment between us. I always tend to fuck everything good up.

“I understand if you want to break up with me,” I said, trying to keep my composure. “I understand if I’m too dramatic or if I freak out over the littlest of things and you honestly deserve someone that–” Before I could continue, Aaron kisses me hard on the lips; deepening it every time we both separated for air. Once we came out of the kiss, I looked at him straight in the eyes. He already was looking into mine.

“I’m sorry that we didn’t talk about this sooner,” Aaron began to say. “I didn’t expect us to move so fast like this.” Aaron placed his hand on my cheek, caressing my chin as he slowly lifted it close to his mouth. “But I meant what I said earlier, Mols. I love you.” I couldn’t stop staring into his eyes. My emotions were all over the place, and maybe that’s just because I wanted this to work out.

“I love you too, Aaron,” I gently said as I softly kissed his lips.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #26: Sight of Dopamine.

liz

Milo rushes into the band room, looking around to see if Nicki was sitting in her assigned seat. He sees the back of her head and immediately walks in her direction.

Milo: *stern* Nicki–

Milo stops once he sees Nicki is sitting with Gwen, now also looking up toward Milo.

Milo: *shy* H-hey.

Nicki: Hey, Milo; everything alright?

Milo lets out a breath before answering. He takes a quick glance at Gwen before looking over at Nicki again.

Milo: Yeah, everything’s fine.

He looks at Gwen one more time before walking away, going toward his seat. He shuts his eyes before letting out a deep breath. He open his eyes as he sees Danny walk into the class. Aggravated, he takes out his books and instrument as class begins.

…

The bell rings, which ends band class for the day. The other students start to pack their bags to leave the classroom. Milo hangs around, in which Mr. Harrison looks at him.

Mr. Harrison: Class is over, Milo…

Milo: Is it okay if I just practiced some more? It’s my lunch period and just wanted to practice this piece for the showcase…

Mr. Harrison: That’s why we have rehearsal rooms in the West Wing. I can’t keep you in here without a teacher being present.

Milo sighs as he gets up from his seat, gathering his things and leaving the room. Once he gets out of the room, he notices Gwen standing near the door.

Milo: *surprised* Gwen!

Gwen: Hey, Milo.

Milo: You were waiting for me to get out of class?

Gwen: I wanted to check on you more than anything. Are you okay?

Milo and Gwen start to walk down the hallway toward the West Wing.

Milo: Yeah, I’m okay…

Gwen: Don’t lie to me.

Milo stops in the middle of the hallway and looks at Gwen. She doesn’t budge.

Gwen: I saw how you looked at Nicki when you came into the class. You definitely looked like you were upset about something.

Milo raises an eyebrow, still looking at Gwen.

Milo: You’re right. I needed to talk to Nicki about… something.

Gwen: *questionable* Something?

Milo: Yeah. Nothing you need to worry about.

Milo smiles and starts walking again. Gwen follows Milo; he looks at her with the corner of his eye. He stops once again, which prompts Gwen to also stop.He can’t help but smile.

Gwen: What?

Milo: Nothing, I’m just… surprised you want to hang out with me involuntarily.

Gwen: *embarrassed* Oh, uhm.. I’m sorry–

Milo: You don’t need to apologize. I just figured you’d go to lunch and hang out with your friends…

Gwen looks at Milo, seeming uncomfortable. Milo takes note of Gwen’s body language.

Milo: Do you always have lunch by yourself?

Gwen: If you’re asking me if I have any other friends to eat lunch with, the answer is usually no.

Milo: *embarrassed* No, I didn’t mean it like that I–

Gwen started to giggle, which made Milo sigh in relief.

Gwen: I don’t really know a lot of the freshmen besides those in our band class. Most of other classes have upperclassmen, so I’m usually just eating lunch by myself.

Milo looks at Gwen intently as she speaks.

Gwen: Or, I’m in the West Wing. *teases* Don’t you have friends to eat lunch with?

Milo rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh.

Milo: I’m not on the best of terms with my friends right now… *looks at Gwen* They all kept this huge secret from me about my best friend and I’m just annoyed with them.

Gwen: I’m guessing that’s what you were trying to speak to Nicki about in class today.

Milo: *defeated* Yeah. Nicki and I have this friend… well, my best friend, who kept this huge secret from me and only told Nicki and her boyfriend. It just pissed me off since this girl is suppose to be my best friend–

Gwen: The other girl in your band; is she the best friend in question?

Milo nods his head. He looks at her; shocked she remembers his friend group.

Milo: Yeah. I just feel betrayed, that’s all. But, I’m glad that you were sitting with Nicki in class today… I feel like you saved me from blaming something on her that she had nothing to do with, you know?

Gwen: *shocked* Oh! Well, I’m glad I can keep you grounded.

Gwen smiles, which makes Milo smile.

Milo: Whatcha doing after school today?

Gwen: I don’t do much after school besides do my homework and practice.

Milo: *teases* Gwen, live a little! It’s the last day before spring break starts! Let’s do something after school; something that’s not related to band or school.

Gwen: *nervous* What would we even do?

Milo: Anything we want; go to the park, catch a movie or something, get a slice of pizza. It’s totally up to you.

Gwen ponders on the thought. Before she can answer, a teacher calls out to the two teens left in the hallway. They both continue to walk toward the West Wing, side by side.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Black Sheep Dressed in Red: An Epilogue.

liz

The ringing in my ears intensified the longer I stood around in the alleyway. The cars passing along the streets were moving in slow motion; the horns were muffled. I couldn’t see anything clear, just two figures leaning towards me.

“Rosie?” I heard someone’s muffled voice say my name. I couldn’t move my body; everything felt numb. I slowly opened my eyes and saw two silhouettes over me. I start to panic, not knowing what was happening. Red. Red was all I saw as I looked down at my hands. I opened up my eyes, backing away from the two figures in an utter panic.

“Stop! Please! Help!” I began to scream out. The two figures try to calm me down, telling me to keep quiet and that everything was going to be alright. Nothing was ever going to be alright in these situations. I quickly got up, running past the two figures out of the alleyway.

“Rosie!” I hear another voice call out my name; a guy’s voice this time. I ran as fast as I could away from the alleyway, despite the immense amount of pain I was feeling. I didn’t care; I needed to get out of there before things got worse. I turned the corner, trying to catch my breath as I winced in pain. It was like I was coming in and out of conscious as if I was dying and being revived enough to come back to life to do nothing but feel this pain. I slid down the brick wall as my legs began to give out. I felt like I was going to die tonight.

Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. I couldn’t tell what was real from reality anymore. Black. Black is all I saw.

…

I power-walked down the block toward Rosie’s apartment, passing every person that was standing alongside the sidewalk. I told Dani and Tanner to stay with Rosie and call for help without making it a huge scene. Let me handle this motherfucker once and for all.

I looked for visible signs that Prescott was still around nearby. He wouldn’t be dumb enough to just leave incriminating evidence behind. I walked back upstairs, hoping her friend knew anything about Rosie beyond the point of just school. I looked in the crowd of people for this girl. I finally spot her at the corner of the room, talking to a bunch of other girls. Cutting through the crowd of people, I made my way to her friend.

“Yo!” I called out for the girl. She immediately turned around, not amused that I called her in the way I did.

“My name is Nat,” she reminded me. I nodded politely, masking the true emotions running through my mind.

“Sorry, question,” I quickly said. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” I noticed the girls look at Nat with raised eyebrows. “It’s about Rosie.” The girls turned their heads away from us, not interested in the topic of choice. Nat walked away with me from the group of girls and outside the apartment where it was quieter.

“You’re a good friend of Roe- Rosie’s, right?” I asked, trying to remain as coy as possible.

“If you mean good enough to help you get with her or something, you’re out of luck,” Nat responded. “She’s–“

“With Prescott Jones?” I finished her sentence, already knowing this piece of information. “You know she’s dating that billionaire guy, right?”

“Yeah, why?” she asked, seeming to be more annoyed than concerned.

“Did you see him here tonight?” I asked her, trying to put together the pieces of this twisted puzzle. “Did you see him come here for Rosie by any chance?”

“He was the one that took her aside,” she admitted. “Literally she came here to chat and then, like, not even 5 minutes after he came and asked if he could borrow her for a second.” I was beginning to panic, not trying to show Nat just how furious I was.

“And you haven’t seen her since?” I asked, looking at Nat directly in her eyes. She tried to read the expression on my face, confused.

“No, why?” she asked once again. I didn’t answer right away; instead I looked out from the balcony of Rosie’s apartment, hoping to see that white Porsche somewhere in the streets. “Micah?”

“Micah!” I heard a girl’s voice call out. Rosie? I walked down the stairs to see it was Dani. She looked panicked.

“You left Tanner with Rosie?” I asked, walking quickly away from the apartment toward the alleyway. Each step I made was progressively faster than the last, which led me to run the closer we got to the alleyway.

“Micah, Rosie–” I stopped immediately once I saw the white Porsche parked on the street across the alleyway. Red. Red is all I saw when turning into that alleyway.

Prescott’s back was faced toward me, looking down at the ground like he was looking for something. Red. Red is all I saw. I walked toward Prescott, unaware what was going to happen next.

“Micah!” Dani yelled out loud, which makes Prescott immediately turn around. I don’t give him a chance to react.

Black. Black is all I saw.

— End of Season 2 —

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The Day That Changed My Life (For the Better)

liz

It was just a typical Wednesday morning during the first week of classes. Our office was busier than usual considering the Fall semester had just started a couple of days prior. I had got into this rhythm of getting to the office earlier than everyone else after getting used to working full-time hours. It was a normal Wednesday morning until my boss came in and walked into her office, signed onto her computer, and called my name as soon as she sat down at her desk. I walked into her office and told me that all of the paperwork needed for my full-time position was approved and that I was now officially resigning my College Assistant line as of today.

Hi, my name is Liz, and August 29th, 2023 was the day that ultimately changed my life for the better.

Professionally, I was excited that I accomplished one of my goals before turning 30 just a couple of months later: be hired full-time. It was about time that I did what I needed to do in order to get a full-time position. The only thing that was holding me back was the fact that I really enjoyed the office I was working in, and the college legit was like a second home to me. It was hard to get full-time at a place that wasn’t openly offering it, so when I got the opportunity to have a line created for me in the office, of course I wanted to take it. After 8 months of constant updates and paperwork needing to be filled out, I was finally getting the full-time position I wanted. My first day as an aHEO (Assistant to Higher Education Officer) was literally spent writing my resignation letter as a College Assistant. A year later, and I am now permanently hired as an aHEO. I don’t just have a job anymore; I now have a career.

Being hired full-time in an environment that supported me and fought for me to stay in their office made me feel like I was an important piece of the puzzle in this unit. When I first started my job as a CA, it took me a couple of months to even feel secure enough to do simple tasks without asking dumb questions. Even when I was offered this full-time position at the time, I was nervous to finally carry a role that came with a responsibility that I felt like I wasn’t deserving of. Even now I deal with some level of impostor syndrome because of the higher title, but it has gotten better with experience and with time.

Something changed in me when I got hired full-time though. It was like I gained this level of confidence that I didn’t have before, as well as gain some certainty and security regarding my future. That following night after work, I went out and celebrated with my partner on possibly the most beautiful night of the entire summer. Looking back at that day now, everything else in my life began to come into place, and since then… well, I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

I don’t know where I would’ve been right now if I had not taken the opportunity when it came. I would’ve probably been some COA at some other college, going through all of the steps again just to find my sense in belong. Who knows; I might’ve still been in the same office working part-time, thinking about whether or not I should leave to go find full-time work elsewhere. I think a apart of me believes that once I got this position, I felt like I was able to plan other parts of my life out in a way. This position is secured for life; no matter what I will always have my job unless I decided to leave out of the company altogether. Because I felt secured professionally, I began to view other parts of my life in the same lens. Once I knew that I needed to feel that same level of security with myself as a person, everything else would fall into place.

Of course, not everything is black and white and not everything that I deal with falls in that umbrella of security. There’s always going to be things out of my control. I’m learning that I only have control in the things I know I have control over, like my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and even the way I problem solve. I’ve wrote a blog post a couple of months ago that I needed to set boundaries with myself in the same sense I would to people that were toxic for my well-being; that still reigns true as I get older and discover that there are beliefs and actions I have to unlearn as a adult in society. Not everything is going to look like how it did for us in the way it did when our parents were growing up, and not everything is going to be concrete and solvable when you want them to be.

In a sense, I’ve learned a lot about how time works. I’ve learned that while yes, you shouldn’t wait for things to come to you if you really want them, I’ve learned that they will come to you as time passes without you even knowing. A lot of the things I’ve wanted to happen have happen not only because I’ve remain persistent in obtaining them, but I also allowed time to help me grow as a person and to mature in ways in order to handle the things I wanted out of life.

I’ve waited nearly a year to be permanently hired in this position, and God knows where it will take me this time next year. This time last year, I had no idea how to be a person in my position and felt completely unworthy of it when there were other people in the office that worked there even when I was a student myself. I had no idea where this position would take me or how it would differ to what I was doing as a CA, but I’ve allowed time to help me grow into it, and feel that sense of belonging that… well… I guess I always am looking for in life.

I don’t know where the rest of my career is heading, but I am excited to see what the future has in store for me. Now that I am hired permanently in my position, I now have some things that I can start focusing on, like potentially returning to school to get my doctorate degree.

Happy anniversary to the day that change my life for the better; here’s to many more.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The Day We Changed: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

It was unseasonably warmer on this day. Perhaps the weather was being nice considering today was Milo’s birthday. I was glad to be spending the day with him after seeing how down he looked over video chat. I know that practicing our music for band would also get his mind off of things.

I walked up the steps to Milo’s house, texting him that I was downstairs. It wasn’t long until he opened the front door. He had a huge smile on his face.

“Hey, Scout,” Milo greeted me. His smile made me smile. Seeing Milo always made me smile. “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course, it’s your birthday,” I said, walking into Milo’s house. I reached in my bookbag and grabbed the small box. Milo looked confused.

“Scout,” he said as he looked at the box in my hand. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I wanted to,” I said, handing the box to him. “It’s only your birthday once a year.” Milo looked at the box and slowly lift the box up. He smiled once he saw the homemade beaded bracelet.

“This is dope!” Milo said as he took the bracelet out. “You made this?” I nodded my head as he looked at me. He smiled and immediately gave me a hug. My face got really hot. “Thank you, Scout.”

“You’re welcome,” I said as I hugged him back. He gave the best hugs. We finally let each other go as Milo opened the door to the rehearsal room. Milo closed the door behind us once we both entered.

“You ready for the show next week?” Milo asked as he grabbed his binder from the bag on the ground.

“I’m always nervous about these shows,” I said, taking my violin out of its case. “I’ve accepted that the strings section always has to fight extra hard to get the audience to listen to us play.” I had to admit it; I slowly felt my passion for music slip through my fingers the more we did these performances. It’s disappointing that I’ve allowed the opinions of others really take away my love for the violin. I’m disappointed I’ve allowed my own opinions of my father ruin the violin for me.

“Hey,” Milo said before putting his hand on my shoulder. “You do know that the strings are just as important, right?”

“I guess,” I answered, getting my binder out of my bag.

“It is,” Milo sternly said. “My parents were both in the strings section when they were at Waverly.” I looked up at Milo. This is the first time hearing about this.

“Are you just saying that to make me feel better?” I asked, half teasing Milo but also being serious at the same time.

“No, I’m serious,” he continued to say, clearly telling the truth. His face was stoic. “That’s how my dad met my mom. They were both violinists in the ensemble.”

“I don’t take your father as the violinist type,” I said, trying to picture it. “And wasn’t he a dual major?”

“First of its kind at Waverly,” Milo added, sitting on the ground with his legs crossed. I followed him, also sitting on the ground across from him. “My mom wasn’t, but she was, like, the valedictorian of their grade.” I nodded my head as Milo spoke. I was always nervous whenever he spoke about his biological mum. From what he has told me in the past, his mum didn’t make it to her graduation day. She passed away just days after she had Milo.

“I bet the strings section was super popular when they were in it,” I commented, wondering how did it become what its become nowadays.

“They were the underdogs,” Milo added. “The vocal program was the most popular program at Waverly. He would always tell me how the vocal program was more so a popularity contest than talent. Jennifer was in the vocal program.”

“Isn’t she a dance teacher though?” I asked, trying to piece together the complexity of Milo’s family. Milo smirked as if I already knew the answer to my own question.

“Exactly,” Milo simply said. I leaned back as I looked at Milo. She was suppose to be a dual major too.

“So what happened?” I asked. “How did the strings go from being the best in Waverly to the laughing stock?”

“That I don’t know,” Milo started to answer. “But you have time to make it great again.” He leaned forward; it was like I saw the stars light up in his eyes when he looked at me. “You are the only girl in the string section, and you always know your music and you’re super fucking smart. Once you start believing in your abilities, more people will pay attention.”

“Is that what you do?” I asked, teasing more than seriously asking.

“Yes,” Milo answered honestly. “I honestly don’t think I’m that much greater than those in our band class and in my vocal class. Dual major is just a fancy word that means faking it ’til you make it.”

“Stop,” I immediately said. “Milo, you’re super talented. You are so deserving of your status.”

“Scout, you’re a better musician than me. Mollie’s a better vocalist than me. Shit, sometimes I believe Aaron is a better–“

“Stop,” I said, now more stern. “I will not allow you to talk down on yourself on your birthday of all days. Aren’t we all our worst critics? Why can’t we just tell ourselves the things we tell those we care about? Life would be much easier if we just accepted the fact that we are all deserving of the good things we have.” Milo smiled as I spoke. I couldn’t help but sigh and think about Milo’s words. You’re a better musician than me.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Milo asked. I shook my head, looking around as I came out of deep thought. “And don’t say nothing because I know when you’re so deep into thought that you’re literally in outer space.” I faintly smiled, still shocked that Milo has known me long enough to pick up these random things about me.

“My father was the one that encouraged me to keep playing,” I said, looking down at the ground, fidgeting with my hair. “My mum wanted me to do something more practical, like become a lawyer or a doctor or some sort of researcher. They used to bicker with each other, trying to convince the other what I should go and study as I got older.” As I spoke, I began to replay all of those moments in my head; when my family was actually whole back in the UK. “When my father went to prison, I was ultimately going to give music up. It just… reminded me too much of him and it was painful to continue doing something I used to do with him.”

“What changed your mind?” Milo asked, eyes locked onto me as I spoke. What made me change my mind? Waverly wasn’t my first choice of school despite knowing how great their performing arts programs were. I know for a fact that if my father was around when it came time to choosing high schools, Waverly would’ve been one. I would’ve practiced different level of pieces to show the admissions committee by diversity, I would’ve made sure my music was memorized, and I would’ve made auditioning for Waverly a bigger deal than I actually did. But even after all of that, what made me change my mind?

“You did,” I said out loud to Milo. “When we were doing our exit project and we went to The Den for the first time. I guess you were just so persuasive,” I added just to tease him. I laughed as he smiled.

“You auditioned for Waverly because of me?” he asked as if he didn’t believe me. I nodded my head.

“Yeah,” I softly said. “I guess in a way… you’ve helped me rediscover my love for music again. Some of my happiest moments are just sitting around with you and rehearsing. You make it feel exciting and inspirational, so it bothers me when you say that you don’t think you’re good enough because–” I stopped myself short. I looked at Milo, not realizing that he was looking directly at me as I spoke. “I think you’re more than good. You’re great.”

“That means a lot, Scout,” Milo said, smiling. I smiled back, finally letting out a deep breath. I took Milo’s music binder, flipping through the various pages of music. He got up from the ground. “So what piece do you want to practice?” He asked. I flipped through the pages, trying to see which of the songs would be best for us to practice as Milo walked over to get our instrument cases. I flipped to a page with Milo’s handwriting on it with words accompanying some music notes on a staff. “Stay for tonight / if you want to / I can show you / what my dreams are made of / as I’m dreaming of your face.” As I continued to read it, I heard Milo call out my name. “Scout?”

“Huh?” I looked up as Milo stood in front of me. He looked down at his binder and immediately tried to take it from me. “Whoa, whoa! Wait!”

“That’s nothing,” Milo quickly answered, getting red in the face.

“I didn’t ask what it was,” I said, crossing my arms along my chest. “So clearly it’s something. You write your own music?” I asked.

“Not seriously,” Milo answered, flipping away from the page. I tried to flip it back while he kept shooting me away.

“I wanna hear it!” I said excitingly. “I want to be the first to hear a Milo Kamalani original.”

“Scout, it’s really not that good,” Milo debated. “It shouldn’t have even been in this binder in the first place–“

“Milo,” I walked in front of him, now looking at his face. “From what I read before you got all ‘it’s nothing’, it was really poetic.” Milo didn’t say anything back, but he definitely was in deep thought. “Looks like you’re the one now in deep thought.” I teased. Milo snapped out of it, smiling at me.

“I… wasn’t expecting to ever sing this,” Milo said, looking down at the binder. “I don’t even know if I remember the chords; it’s been so long–“

“Then just read it to me,” I suggested. “Like a poem.” Milo took a moment to look away from me. He sighed, looking down at the binder again.

“Stay for tonight if you want to,” Milo began reciting the words. “I can show you what my dreams are made of as I’m dreaming of your face.” Milo briefly stopped and hums to himself as if he was remembering the chords to the song. He’s totally putting them together in his head. “How the hell did you ever pick me,” Milo started to read the page again; this time singing the words out loud as lyrics. “Honestly, I could sign you a song, but I don’t think words can express your beauty…” He looked up at me once more, confidently singing the lyrics, remembering how they went. “They say that love is forever; your forever is all that I need,” Milo locks his eyes with mine and it was in this moment I felt that feeling I was afraid of ever feeling again. This time, it felt right. It felt good.

The feeling that I knew I was falling hard for Milo Kamalani.

“Can’t promise that things won’t be broken, but I swear that I will never leave,” he continued to sing. “Please stay forever with me.” He sighed when he stopped, as if he was nervous about what I was going to say. To be quite honest, I didn’t have any words to say; he had summed them all up perfectly in a song that he thought wasn’t good enough for me to hear.

All I could say–or rather do– in this moment was gently kiss him.

I felt him hesitate as soon as I kissed him, but he immediately relaxed once I did. Kissing him this time around was different; it felt natural. All of the other times nearly felt like mistakes; we never spoke about them and pretended as if they never happened but this kiss felt like it was supposed to happen. I couldn’t deny how I felt about Milo anymore; I knew for a long time I liked him. But to feel this sense of possibly falling for him was scary. Maybe that’s why I pretended nothing was happening between us; maybe I knew I would fall for this boy eventually.

And eventually, it came.

Milo continued to kiss me, caressing my neck with his hand as the deep began to get deeper. I knew I should’ve stopped it before it got too intense, but I simply did not want to experience another moment when I wasn’t kissing his lips. It was intoxicating, and I felt myself wanting more the longer we kissed. I took my hoodie off, feeling hot in my skin. Milo stopped the kiss, watching me take it off. Dammit. I looked at him as he looked at me, hoping he was able to read the expression on my face: “why did you stop?”

“I’m sorry–” I quickly said, beginning to regret even getting kissing him in the first place. Before that thought even began to stick onto my brain, Milo placed his lips on mine once more, kissing me harder. His skin was hot to the touch, noticing his sweater was still on his body. I don’t know what came over me, but I wanted my hands to touch his skin and sink into it as if it was hot lava. I began to tug at his sweater to remove it, but it wasn’t long until he took the entire thing off himself. Our skin was touching, our lips were touching; what was to become of this moment?

I didn’t care. All I know is that this was as honest and open I’ve been since developing these feelings for Milo. Are we… falling for each other?

Milo’s 15th birthday was the day that we changed. It was the day that I knew I won’t ever forget, even if later in life we’d go out separate ways. It has now become a part of my story; one that I truly did not expect.

I quickly broke off the kiss once I heard the door of the rehearsal room open, which made Milo turn around. I grabbed my hoodie off from the ground, running to hide behind a pile of yoga mats at the corner.

“Dad! Jennifer! It’s not what it looks like!” Milo quickly spat out, completely now in panic mode.