Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 1: Re-Introduction, 2024 Edition!

liz

Dear, letter readers – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It is surely the most wonderful time of the year, not only because it’s the holiday season, but because it’s the official start of the Twelve Letters of Lizmas!

If you are new here, the “Twelve Letters of Lizmas” is when I post blog content for the next 12 days leading up to Christmas. This has been a tradition for the blog since the early days of my blog when it used to be called a different name; any readers still around from that time? Anyway, if you’re interested to see just what type of content is posted in this series, you can read last year’s Lizmas posts here. 🙂

What makes these seasonal series so special is that it allows me some time to not only write about the various characters in my writing universe, but it also gives you guys some insight about me; the writer! Every Lizmas, we start off with a “re-introduction” of myself, so without further ado…

Hi! My name is Liz!

In 2024, I turned 30 years old and learned how to not only embrace adulthood, but to do so while maintain my youth. One major milestone I hit this year was that I turned 30 back in January. It was a big deal for me considering that turning 30 has always been this big, monumental change from being a young adult in your 20s and entering your 30s as an adult. It’s scary to think about when you are nearing the age; your 20s represent a time where it’s okay to still be youthful while still finding your place in society. There’s this misconception that you have to have everything figured out by the time you turn 30; you should be settling down and having kids with a steady career and all the things we grew up thinking about what people should be doing in their 30’s.

Being the youngest full-time worker in my current job position actually helped me learn to balance my youth and my adulthood pretty well. In a professional setting, I’ve learned that I am able to still maintain my professionalism in my work place while still making my space feel more colorful and bright and youthful. I now take that same ideology in every aspect of my life: one good thing I’ve witnessed in myself is that my adulthood doesn’t have all this necessary second guessing of what people may think of me. It was something that those older than me have told me years ago that the best part of being in their 30s was that they truly stopped caring about what other people thought about them because their adulthood helped solidified their identity. Being in this space where I didn’t care what people thought about me anymore, I found myself nurturing the little Liz in me, the girl that was too afraid to like different things or to wear things that she liked because of her anxiety or the fear of being bullied about it. I feel like while I’ve always been an advocate for always being your authentic self, I feel like I am now living the words I once told others to be. So yes, I am a 30-year-old woman that still likes colorful patterns and clothing, vivid hair colors and trinkets that symbolize what youth looks like to me. It’s something I honor very much being at my very big age, and in some way feels more rewarding than hitting societal milestones.

In 2024, I continued to challenge my social anxiety by putting myself in more social settings and learned what being in them looked like for me. Late last year, I was invited to my first social gathering (a party) in a really long time. I normally strayed away from going to these type of events because of my history being in them, but since being in therapy and working on myself, I didn’t have much opportunity to challenge my social anxiety and fear of social events until, well, last year. While I thought I mastered the art of being at a social setting, I didn’t. It really wasn’t until this year where I began to learn what it meant to be a person with SAD at a social event. This year, I went to a 90’s themed party during Spring Break, and a Halloween party back in October, and the two parties (although similar and thrown by the same person), were two completely different experiences for me. The first party I still felt this wave of awkwardness; I didn’t really know where to go or where to sit without feeling like I was leaning on my partner’s social skills to help me exist in the party. The second party, I had a better understanding of my role at this party and that truly, it was okay if partying looked different on me. It didn’t bother me as much to be by myself and vibing with the music, and if I did need to step out for air, I wasn’t completely anxious socializing with the people who were out there doing the same thing. I’ve come a long way as a person when it comes to being at social events, but I can honestly say that I am now a person that doesn’t shy away from going out to events; whether it’s on solo adventures to concerts, daytime show audience viewing, or parties!

In 2024, I learned the best way to keep yourself motivated is to know when you need to take breaks; traveling is the way I did so this year. This year was my first in my current position, which meant that more responsibilities and tasks were now on my desk for my 9 to 5. I felt myself needing time off to refocus my body and mind once again, and one way that I was able to successfully do that was go away and travel. For my 30th birthday, I went to California with my partner, and then this past summer, I went to Atlantic City for the first time. In addition to those two trips, my partner and I did another weekend getaway back to AC during a time that we both needed some relaxation and time away from our demanding jobs in education. In all of these trips, I was able to come back to the city with experiences I didn’t have before, as well as this feeling of having a new head on my shoulders when returning back to work. Of course, I hope to travel more next year and see more places I haven’t gotten to see yet, but this year made me realize just how important it is to give yourself the earned and deserved time to take it easy and relax. I’m also very grateful that I have someone that is willing to go on these trips with me with these same intentions in mind: come back feeling inspired and motivated to tackle whatever we have on our plates back at home.

In 2024, I’ve learned a lot about self-control, and struggled with it in the process. I’ve mentioned this on the blog before in the past, but for the last couple of years, I’ve struggled with learning how to balance my need to be in control of situations. Last year taught me that I can only control my own thoughts, feelings, reactions, and behavior. In the past, I had a hard time telling myself that, especially if the thing I was trying to control involved me in a way that made me anxious or stressed. While yes, I can only control myself and what I do in these situations, I found myself obsessing over my own self-control this year. I am still trying to master the art of not self-sabotaging when things get too stressful around me or if I’m not able to successfully have some control in a setting (i.e a busy time of year at my job, poor time management that involves other people, etc.)

I tend to try to get in control by changing something up with myself or engaging in compulsive behaviors that leave me feeling bad about myself. This year, my biggest challenge has been trying to control my self-control; in other words, talking myself out of doing something that is only emotionally driven. This is going to sound stupid, but this year I found myself relying on things to help ease my stress and anxiety, like eating nearly 4 packs of Tic Tacs a day within 20 minutes of each other and associating feeling good with that newfound addiction, or cutting and dyeing my hair nearly every week to regain some sort of control back into my life. I am now back to where I always end up being: trying my hardest to set boundaries with my compulsiveness and finding other ways to successfully release some stress and anxiety. I am realizing that a lot of my compulsive behavior I end up regretting once I look back and see the progress I made before hindering it, like growing out my hair to only damage it and cut it short again because that’s what I wanted in that moment. It’s a very weird thing to explain, but this year has shown me that new tactics and techniques must be made in order to not allow my need of control get the best of me and act out in ways that sabotages my progress. I’m glad I’ve become self-aware, and I hope that within the next year I successfully learn the practice on what to do when you are aware of doing something and how to stop it before it’s too late. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life, nor am I spiraling down due to a bad week or month.

Some other fun facts about me that are on the more light-hearted side:

  • I am still a boy cat mom with a 5-year old turtle named Squirtle that is very sassy.
  • I still live in NYC and still do not see myself leaving anytime soon.
  • I am still very much into fashion as I live to dress myself the way I wish I could when I was younger.
  • I do not consider myself a “k-pop stan” anymore as I removed myself from the online community completely late last year.
  • I do not even consider myself a true penpal writer anymore; I still casually keep in touch with the 3 pen pals I’ve kept and really only write letters periodically.
  • I spend a lot of my free time hanging out (big step for your social anxiety girly) with people, whether it’s to the neighborhood park or to the studio with my partner, or getting celebratory drinks at the local Mexican restaurant and bar.
  • My interests change frequently, and while back in the day that would bother me for not being able to like one thing for a long period of time, I now view it as a learning experience and just go with the flow. (for example, in the time I am writing this, I’ve gained interest in the Pokemon trading card world; I know I wouldn’t ever commit myself to collecting cards since collecting ANY type of photocard as traumatized me, but it’s fun to see people who are in the community pull cards and see what they get in the grading process if the card is worth something).

And I think that’s pretty much it! I hope I am able to have some more interesting stuff to talk about in 2025, but just like my 2024 re-introduction, this year has been a year of learning who I am in this time of life and what adulthood looks like for me and I guess it’s just been simple.

I hope you guys enjoy the rest of the content coming for “Twelve Letters of Lizmas”! Thanks for reading!

Misc., The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Emotions Versus Logic: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

I ran down the block with my instrument case in my hand and my bookbag on my back. I was nervous that my mum was going to say something about me being late from school today. She been on my case ever since Mrs. Kamalani drove me home that day, after the whole rehearsal space situation with Milo. The one thing I was grateful for that day was that Mrs. Kamalani simply said she was there to drop me home after Milo and I had rehearsal after school. I assumed she wanted me to tell my mum the truth, but knowing how strict she’s been with me since starting Waverly High, it was best to keep certain things to myself.

I walked into the house and called out for my mom, letting her know that I got in on time. She walked in from the kitchen, apron on over her work clothes.

“Soojin,” my mother greeted me as she tied her hair back into a bun. “How was school?”

“It was okay,” I said as I put my instrument case down near the hallway entrance table. “We had a rehearsal right after school; that’s why I was a little late today.” Lies. I was waiting for a boy who promised me pizza after school, not remembering he was grounded for life. “We have a showcase coming up at Julliard; isn’t that exciting?”

“Julliard?” My mum said with her thick, Korean accent. “That’s the fancy music university in the city, right?” I nodded my head before I answered.

“It’s where all of the Waverly students go to college,” I explained, setting up the dinner table for my mum and I. “I heard that Waverly students are the most considered as incoming students; it’s seen as the continuation of Waverly High because those who audition for Julliard tend to get accepted.”

“Music university, huh?” My mum said as she covered the pot on the stove with the lid. She turns around, wiping her hands on her apron. “That’s where you want to go for college?” I sighed, hearing my mum talk about my future plans with college.

“I have time before I have to think about college,” I joked, trying to ease the mood. “It’s still so soon to be thinking about college.”

“Your first year is almost over though,” my mum mentioned as she tend to the food on the stove. “Before you know it, you’ll be taking all those important college entry exams to determine where you will be going.” I looked at my mum as she was finishing making dinner. I didn’t say anything back to her only because I didn’t want to think about something so far ahead in the future. I still had so many things to do and learn before I sat down and thought about college. I still had so many concerts and showcases to perform at, Regents to take, life to live as a high-school student. If the next three years happen the same way as freshman year did…

It was going to take forever to even get to think about college.

“Your father and I just want you to start thinking about the future,” my mum insisted. It bothered me when she brought him into conversation. I know she wanted to believe that he was still included in our family, but the fact was that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and I doubt he even cares to think about where my future is heading. “The possibilities are endless; a biologist, chemist, doctor, lawyer…” I looked at my mum as she started to serve the food on our plates. None of those occupations are offered at Julliard.

“About my showcase coming up,” I said, trying to direct the conversation somewhere else. “Mr. Harrison wants us to meet at the school on Saturday morning at 10. The showcase is supposed to start at noon, so–“

“Which Saturday? This Saturday?” my mum interrupted me to ask. I nodded my head yes, which made her seem a bit annoyed. “Soojin, you can’t go.”

“Wait, what?” I asked. “I have to go! It’s a part of my grade and I have a solo in the piece and–“

“That is the Saturday we are going to visit your father,” my mum answered in a stern manner. “His birthday is this upcoming Tuesday and I told him we would all be there to visit him.”

“Mum,” I said, not knowing what else to say at this point. “I can’t miss this performance!”

“You can’t make it to all of them, Soojin,” my mum began to argue with me. “I understand that this means a lot to you, but you have to understand that there are more important things in life that takes priority.”

“Oh, so you’re saying to just get a failing grade in my major?!” I questioned, getting angry now. “You’re telling me to miss my performance because we have to see my father who is incarcerated for doing things without considering how it affects the daily lives of his family?”

“He’s your father regardless whatever he did!” my mum shouted as she slammed her hand on the table top. The silverware made a noise as she did, which made the entire room feel intense. I was angry; furious. Time and time again I felt like I had to out aside my wants and needs for people that wouldn’t do the same for me. Band ensemble was the only thing that I wanted to do and had control over doing in a world where I really had no other say. My music was the only thing I ever felt good at and in control with at the same time. I will not allow anything, not even my father, ruin that for me.

I was in control of my wants, needs, and values in life, even if they meant I had to go against everything I was raised to believe.

“Fine,” I said, excusing myself from the table. “I will let Mr. Harrison know that I will not be able to attend this showcase because I have an obligation to see my father who out his needs first before his families and now has the next 5 years to deal with the consequences. That 0% next to my name for this showcase will look great on my report card this marking period.

“Soojin-ah!” my mum called out for me, but I simply ignore her and head upstairs to my room. No, mum. You will not make my decisions for me; whether they are for my present or for my future.

…

It was now Saturday morning; the air was warmer than it had been in the last couple of weeks. Going from the Winter chill to the Spring breeze made the mornings a bit more bearable to be awake for, and I was happy to see that out of all the mornings we had this week, today was the warmest of them all.

I walked down the block, feeling my heart rate increase with each step that I made. A part of me was telling me to do what was expected of me. That part of me, the one where I was this perfect daughter that did everything according to her parents, reminded me that I am where I am because of the guidance of my parents. The other part of me, the one I’ve grown to admire and follow, is telling me to keep going. Keep going after what matters to you, Sophie.

I stopped and smiled once I got to the building. The wave of anxiety I felt was immediately let out as soon as I saw him standing there looking back at me. This calmness, this certainty, and this newfound of emotions I had felt since that day everything changed was all because of him.

“You made it,” he said as he walked up to me.

“I did,” I said, smiling back at Milo.

Misc., The "Something" Series: Season 3

I Spy With My Little Eye, Something… : A Grace Monologue.

liz

The beautiful thing about exploring in another country is the fact that you see things you never thought you’d get the chance to see in person. The bamboo trees were tall and skinny; some even looked like they were intertwining with each other to create some sort of bamboo-made roof. The weather was perfect for hiking the path, and I didn’t have any idea that a place like this even existed so close to the city.

Jamie walked ahead of me for most of the hike, guiding us down the path. It made me wonder if he comes here a lot; we walked around as if he did this frequently. Every few steps ahead, he would turn around to check on me; I would give him the thumbs up before he continued walking forward. We eventually made a stop at one of the benches, grabbing our water bottles from our bags to drink.

“How are you liking it so far?” Jamie asked as he took a sip of water.

“The sights are breathtaking,” I answered, looking up toward the trees and other surroundings. “Something that you don’t get to see back in America.”

“It’s the beauty of traveling,” Jamie added. “I remember when I got into New York City for the first time ever; we got there pretty late at night and all of us were just so mesmerized with the billboards and all of the lights. It’s like you don’t think you’d ever see these things in person after seeing them in books and movies.”

“Were you a Home Alone 2 fan?” I asked, mostly teasing but also curious. Jamie looked at me before he slowly nodded his head. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Wait, really?”

“My sisters and I grew up watching all of the Christmas movies,” Jamie further explained. “The huge toy store scene? It was my absolute dream as a kid to go to.”

“I mean of course,” I responded. “But it closed way before even my mom and dad’s time.”

“Nevertheless, it was breathtaking my first time,” Jamie added, clearly in thought.

“Would you go back?” I asked, not realizing just how much weight that question carried. Great question, Grace. He turned his head to look at me; it was like he was thinking the same things I was.

“I don’t know,” Jamie vaguely answered. “There’s so much more of America I have yet to see.” I nodded my head, immediately jumping away from the subject.

“How often do you come here to hike?” I said as I got up from my seat, stretching my body. “You seem to know your way around here.”

“I used to come here more frequently when I was kid,” Jamie began to say as he got up from his seat as well. “My father and I would go hiking before the weather got too cold in Autumn. It was somewhat of a tradition for us to do this, but now I usually go once a year around this time.”

“September is still a pretty warm month though,” I said as we started walking along the path again. Once we got toward the top of one of the mountain trails, Jamie had stopped us to take a breather. He sighed before he said anything.

“Today marks 7 years since my father passed away,” Jamie admitted. Fuck. I felt horrible for even having to make him remember why he does what he does on this specific day. “Every year, rain or shine, I try to take the walk to honor my father’s tradition.”

“Oh, I’m, uh–” I started to apologize, but Jamie shook his head before I went any further.

“It’s okay,” Jamie reassured. “Really.” I don’t say anything else after that; I allowed the sights of the bamboo trees fill in the void that was this conversation. I felt weird being on this hiking path with Jamie on the anniversary of his father’s passing. I felt as if I was intruding on something sacred. Out of all people in the world, why would I be here with Jamie on this specific day? He did invite me, sure, but was it out of pity? Did he think I was going to say no or something? If I knew the reason Jamie was taking this path today, I wouldn’t have agreed to come along. Too late now, Grace.

“Did you finish your piece for the production?” Jamie finally asked. I sighed, totally forgetting that was a thing I was working on today.

“Almost,” I answered, looking at the road as I walked. “I have a couple of things to polish, but for the most part it’s ready to be shown to the director.” Jamie looked at me as he chuckled.

“You don’t seem too excited,” Jamie mentioned. I shook my head, hoping I didn’t come off as ungrateful for the opportunity.

“I am, I’m just tired of the rehearsal process,” I said, looking up at Jamie. “Rehearsals are the tedious part of the production. I like being on stage and performing; not practicing all day in some stuffy room.”

“I guess I can understand,” Jamie said, looking up at the sky as he spoke. “I sometimes find myself anticipating wanting to go into the courtroom rather than studying on a case leading up to it. It’s like the adrenaline needs its time to just come out and do its thing.” I looked at Jamie, not really understanding the analogy between law and dancing, but I understood where he was coming from. He always tried to make everything into an analogy. He looked over at me and saw the look on my face; nearly smirking. He cleared his throat before he spoke again. “So, when is this new dance being debuted at the show?”

“I’m not sure yet,” I answered, looking forward toward the road again. “I know the director wanted to debut it towards the end of the production, so I think it won’t be too long until it does.”

“You’ll do great,” Jamie reassured me.

“Yeah?” I questioned, looking at Jamie. “Do you think it’ll be any better than what you saw during opening night?” Jamie’s face began to turn red. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You know why I was even there, right?” Jamie stopped walking to look at me. “I was gifted those tickets from my mother. She wanted to go and see the show, but she couldn’t make it that night. She told me to go instead, since my–” he stopped and thought about before he spoke. Your girlfriend, Jamie.

“Did you enjoy the show?” I asked, gearing the conversation elsewhere. I can see it in Jamie’s expression that he knew that I knew where that conversation was going.

“It was a beautiful show,” Jamie answered as he started to walk again. “All the dancers were extremely talented, and the visual direction was mesmerizing.” Jamie turned to look at me once more before speaking. “You were also did amazing at the show.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling a little weird hearing a compliment like that from Jamie. Jamie was supportive of my transition from law to dance back when we were dating. If I had any late night rehearsals, Jamie was the first person there to come get me when they were over. He was really the only one that understood why I wanted to get back into dancing; he knew how much it meant to me when I first started. He would’ve been so supportive about the production if we were together during the time I got the gig.

There a little awkward silence as we slowed down to our next resting point; once we found benches to rest on, I took out my phone to look at the time and noticed Sahim had texted me about an hour ago. ‘

Sahim: Wanna grab some dinner before rehearsal tonight? 🙂

I felt a wave of guilt all of a sudden. This was harmless, but knowing that Sahim knows that Jamie is my ex makes this hang out session almost immediately uncomfortable.

“Grace?” Jamie said as he looked at me. I powered off my phone screen and quickly looked back at Jamie. “You’re alright?”

“Yeah,” I said, putting a smile on my face. “It was my production group chat notifying us about something for tonight’s rehearsal.” I knew he knew I was lying right in front of his face. Jamie would pierce his mouth shut when he knew I was lying. Most of the time, he waited until I said the truth; this time, he just went along with it.

“The end of the path isn’t too far from here,” Jamie explained as he began to get up. “I can drive you back to your place or straight to your rehearsal if you’d like.”

“You don’t have to, Jamie,” I said, getting up from my seat and started to walk along the path again. “I’ll go back to the hotel and freshen up before going to rehearsal tonight.” I didn’t look back to see Jamie’s reaction; I just wanted to get to the end of the hike and go out separate ways for the day. Jamie didn’t say anything back to me; it was like he knew exactly what was going on inside my head and didn’t want to intervene. At least he understands.

…

I ran past the lobby of the hotel, hoping to bypass everyone in the lobby getting ready to go for tonight’s rehearsal. I needed to change quickly and get rid of any evidence that showed me being out in the forest all day. I was nervous; I didn’t want to have to explain myself if Aimee, Maurice, or Sahim saw something unusual on me. I quickly opened the front door of my hotel, shutting it behind me before anyone could see. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. What am I even doing?

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #32: Crossing Boundaries.

liz

The bell rings at Waverly High and students begin to roam the hallway. Milo and Jennifer walk out of the vocal room more exhausted than usual. They both walk to their lockers to get their books for the next class.

Milo: Why was that vocal class literal torture today?

Jennifer doesn’t answer. She hasn’t said much about anything most of the day. Milo looks over at Jennifer for an answer; he doesn’t bother her for one.

Milo: Like I get it, Quartets are must to test you on your music, but man… it was hard to watch.

Jennifer: Yeah.

Milo looks over at Jennifer; worried. He clears his throat, changing the conversation.

Milo: You’re heading to Algebra?

Jennifer: Yeah.

Jennifer shuts her locker door closed and begins to walk away from Milo. He watches her as she does. He sighs as soon as Nicki walks up to Milo and his locker.

Nicki: Still nothing?

Milo: Nothing. *faces Nicki* She hasn’t said more than 7 words in the entire day. I don’t think I ever seen her this depressed.

Nicki: I know; it feels so weird to see her not being herself.

Milo looks down the hallway, watching Jennifer turn the corner of it. It breaks his heart.

Nicki: *changes the subject* Are you going to practice in the West Wing during lunch today?

Milo: Maybe; I’m not sure yet. Why? Are you?

Nicki: I really should, but I’m worried about Pep. I have to get this last part of the piece down, but Pep’s our best friend and–

Milo: I’ll go to lunch and stay with her.

Nicki: Are you sure? I know you barely like going to lunch in the first place.

Milo: You have to practice, Nic. I’ll be fine and I’ll keep Pep company.

Nicki lets out a deep breath before the warning bell goes off.

Nicki: I’ll see you in band later; give Pep a hug for me during lunch.

Nicki runs away from Milo to make it to her next class on time. Milo closes his locker after taking out his Biology textbook.

Milo walks into his Biology class and sits in his assigned seat. Gwen, as always, is on time at her desk already with her books out. She looks up when she sees Milo sit down in his seat.

Gwen: *greets* Hey, Milo.

Milo: *smiles* Hey, Gwen. *looks at her notebook* Are those your notes for a project or something?

Gwen: *shakes head* Regents.

Milo: *shocked* School’s not even over yet!

Gwen: *giggles* Go figure, Sherlock. *sighs* With my extra violin lessons and doctor appointments coming up, I’m not going to have enough time to study for the test in a couple of weeks.

Milo: You probably don’t even have to study; you’re the only one that’s gonna ace this test.

Gwen shakes her head and laughs.

Gwen: Well to be on the safe side; I am going to study. *changes the subject* Are you going to the West Wing today? Our show is tomorrow.

Milo: *hesitates* Oh, uhm… I was actually gonna grab some lunch today.

Gwen: *shocked* Really? *teases* I didn’t think you even knew where the lunchroom was located.

Milo smiles at Gwen’s minor burn to him. She laughs, playing it off.

Milo: You know I have to keep everyone on their toes; I just feel like doing whatever I wanna do.

Gwen: Until it’s the day of the show and you’re freaking out because you didn’t prepare enough for it.

Milo shakes his head and laughs.

Gwen: But seriously; you’re not going to the West Wing today?

Milo ponders the thought for a moment.

Milo: I guess I can eat some pizza after school today.

Gwen smiles as the bell finally rings to start class.

…

It’s the start of the lunch period as most of the students head towards the direction of the cafeteria. Milo, on the other hand, begins to walk to the West Wing. He makes the hard turn of the corner and stop short when he sees Jennifer turn the same corner.

Milo: *surprised* Oh! Pep!

Jennifer stands there, looking at Milo.

Jennifer: Hey.

Milo: Hey; are you headed to lunch?

Jennifer nods her head and continues to walk towards the cafeteria area. Milo follows along.

Milo: Do you mind if I come with you?

Jennifer stops and looks at Milo; confused.

Jennifer: Since when do you go to lunch?

Milo: I didn’t eat breakfast today, so I’m starving right now.

Jennifer: *confused* … You eat breakfast?

Milo: Do you think I don’t eat or something?

Jennifer giggles; seeing her smile makes Milo happy.

Milo: *teases* Since you know the lunch menu so well; what’s on it today?

Jennifer: *disgust* Chicken patties.

Milo second guesses his decision of going to lunch with Jennifer. Eventually, the two teens get to the lunch room and grab their lunch trays. They both turn around and look for an empty space to sit. They begin to walk over to the usual table Jennifer hangs out at.

Milo: So, how has your day been going so far?

Jennifer: I would say that I can’t wait to get home, but I would rather sit in Global for 5 hours straight.

Milo: That’s… cruel. Did you talk to your mom after I left?

Jennifer: No. Why should I? Clearly she doesn’t care about my feelings or listen to anything that I have to say.

Milo: But she’s your mom–

Jennifer: *defensive* Who cares? She’s not acting like my mom right now, so I’m not gonna treat her like my mom.

Milo sighs, thinking carefully about what to say next.

Milo: I’m sorry that you’re going through this, Pep. I don’t know how you exactly feel, but I can understand how much this means to you.

Jennifer: *sigh* I just don’t understand why my mom would let him back into our lives. He left us all those years ago and thinks he can just walk back into them.

Milo: Maybe you should ask your mom; she might make things clear for you–

Jennifer: *annoyed* I don’t want to talk to her ever again.

Milo sighs, realizing this conversation is going nowhere.

Milo: Why don’t we go to the pizza place today after school? This lunch is depressing to eat.

Jennifer smirks at Milo’s comment. He briefly sighs out of relief.

Milo: It’ll also be on me today.

Jennifer: You don’t have to tell me anything else! I’ll be there.

Milo smiles as he takes a sip of his chocolate milk. Jennifer returns eating her school lunch.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

To Love Something So Much, It Hurts: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I took off my headphones momentarily to wipe the sweat off of my face. I looked at the mirror, sweaty and out of breath after finishing the number. It was harder than the one Sonia gave me for the first half of the production. The moves were more difficult to execute, and my technique and to be flawless to do this routine well. The crazy thing is that I was the one that created the routine as if I like torturing myself. Something told me that this was the routine that mattered the most in my life. Sure, every performance I’ve ever did and every number I learned for a show mattered, but there was something about being in my 30s and performing in a once-in-a-lifetime production. Chances like this don’t come easy for dancers my age simply because our bodies are not as flexible and durable in the way it was when we were young dancers. I remember what my body was when I last danced competitively; I was 17 years old. Remembering my body from that time makes me wonder what kind of technique and skill would I have mastered if I kept dancing in my 20s. I would’ve been so much better than my mom if I did.

I sighed as I took a sip from my water bottle. Before I was about to put my headphones on, I hear my phone ring off. I walked over to answer my phone; it was Skylar.

“Hey,” I answered as I put my phone on speaker. “Need help packing your 15 bags back to America?”

“Ha ha,” Sky deadpanned as she responded. “I have Shawn helping me do just that, thank you very much.” I smiled as she spoke. She finally feels like my cousin Skylar.

“You guys are doing alright?” I asked. Things were getting intense the last time I was at Skylar’s place with Shawn, Sahim, and… Jamie.

“We’re doing fine,” Skylar began to explain. “We spoke things out and just focusing on getting back to Cali to be with my dad.”

“And that marriage proposal?” I asked. I had to ask. “Where does that stand–“

“We’re not engaged, Grace,” Skylar cleared up. She seemed annoyed to explain the situation. “Is marriage out of the picture because I said no this one time?”

“Does he know that?” I asked again. “What if he doesn’t ask you again?”

“Do you know something that I don’t?” Skylar began questioning me.

“What? No,” I quickly answered, sighing as I walked around the rehearsal space. “Sky, I’m just saying that if you don’t communicate with him, he’s going to think you’re never going to be ready to get married.”

“But telling him that we eventually will get married means I said yes, which defeats the purpose of me saying no in the first place,” she debated back to me.

“Sky, I’m just saying to make sure you communicate with Shawn about this,” I repeated, not wanting to get into an argument with her.

“With all due respect,” Skylar began to say. I rolled my eyes as she said it.

“Which means it’s about be disrespectful as hell, but go on,” I responded back. Skylar took a minute to say anything back.

“You’re right, because you’re talking to me as if you’re in this successful marriage or some shit,” Skylar spat back at me. “The last time I checked, you were about to marry a man just because you were carrying his kid–“

“I was in love with Max,” I corrected Skylar, feeling defensive.

“Not enough to stay together once the baby is born,” Skylar fought back. I was getting angry now; Skylar was notorious for bringing up your past when she felt like she was being threatened in any way possible.

“What are you trying to get at, Sky?” I asked, wanting to get Skylar to say what she wants to say. “I’m just simply saying that Shawn is a native, Korean man. He came to Korea with the intention of going back to the States with a fiancee. Korean men don’t string you along for long; they will tell you how they feel and make the moves to quickly–“

“Grace, please,” Skylar began to laugh. “You dated one Korean man, and now you speak for the entire country? You and Jamie wouldn’t have known what a healthy relationship was even if it hit you both in the face; please be for real.” I know Skylar always had an opinion with my relationship with Jamie. She didn’t understand it at the time; many people didn’t. I know half of her harsh comments were made with fear of being so far away from her dad while he’s ill, but half of it came from a place that she thought and kept inside her for so long. That’s what hurts the most.

“I have to go,” I dismissed the conversation. “I have shit to do.”

“Whatever,” Skylar said as she hung up the phone. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. Out of nowhere, I let out the loudest scream I possibly could.

…

I sat at one of the seats in cafe near the theater. I placed my coffee on top of the table and sat down feeling exhausted. Skylar never texted me or called me back, which was understandable. She has always been this stubborn for as long as I’ve known her. It worried me this time though. What if she isolates herself from everyone? What if she goes back to America and completely cuts me out of her life? Skylar was the closest thing to a sister I have, and it would kill me if she lets this get in between us.

“Grace?” I hear someone call out my name. I looked up and saw who it was. Surprisingly, it was Jamie. He stood there in a pair of shorts and a loose gym t-shirt.

“Jamie,” I said as I was trying to take everything in. “Hi.” He stood there awkwardly for a moment; he was clearly uncomfortable.

“How-how are you?” he asked me as he cleared his throat. I couldn’t help but smirk at Jamie. I sometimes wonder how he lasted this long being a lawyer with the worst poker face ever. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said as I adjusted in my seat and sighed. “You really wanna know how I’m doing?” Jamie didn’t say anything; he simply pulled out the seat across from me and sat down, placing his backpack on the ground next to him. I guess so. “Stressed as fuck.”

“Oh,” Jamie reacted. “As fuck.” I looked at Jamie as I almost burst out laughing. Jamie still had an accent whenever he spoke English. He also always did this thing whenever he heard something weird like slang, he had a habit to repeat it without even realizing it. “Sorry, force of habit.” he said.

“It’s cool,” I simply said as I took a sip of my coffee.

“What’s been stressing you out?” Jamie asked. I sighed when he did.

“Well,” I began to say. “I’m choreographing a number for the end of the production and it’s been taking a toll on my body. Now I know why dancers my age retire; their bones don’t do anything but crack.”

“Why are you making the dance so hard for yourself then?” he asked. Jamie always asks questions.

“This dance is special,” I answered, sighing afterwards. “I think this is going to be my last dance in elite.”

“Elite?” Jamie questioned.

“Professional,” I explained. “This production is not for the weak.”

“It’s not,” Jamie agreed. “It is why you got chosen to be a part of it.”

“Thanks,” I simply said as I played with the paper straw on top of my drink. “I’m very grateful to be a part of it, but I think it’s time I shifted my focus on dancing to something else.” Jamie shifted in his seat as he took in what I was telling him. I didn’t understand why or how I was so comfortable to even be telling him something so personal like this. No one else knows this information besides Jamie.

“Are you done dancing completely?” he started to ask before asking the next question. “Are you going back to the law firm?” I didn’t even think about going back to the firm as a possibility…

“I’m not sure what I want to do yet,” I answered truthfully. “While I still have so many more months left being here in Korea, it’s going to eventually end and before I know it I’m back in New York.”

“Don’t think so far into the future,” Jamie suggested. “Focus on what needs to be done right now, and if this dance is your main focus, then let it be.” I sighed and didn’t say anything after that; he wasn’t wrong.

“Yeah,” I simply said as filler. Jamie cleared his throat when things got too quiet again.

“You’re going to Skylar’s place on Monday?” he asked, changing the subject. I scrunched my eyebrows together, not knowing what he was talking about.

“Sky’s place? For what?” I asked.

“Shawn said he and Skylar were hosting a dinner before they depart to America,” Jamie explained. I shook my head and let out a deep breath.

“That’s probably what she wanted to talk to me about,” I mumbled to myself before looking at Jamie. “She didn’t tell me anything about it.” Jamie looked confused and guilty for saying anything about it to me.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie immediately apologized. “I thought you knew and–“

“It’s not your fault,” I stopped Jamie. “The truth is, Sky and I had an argument over the phone and it was pretty heated. So, I don’t think she would want me there for her big departure dinner.”

“You’re her cousin; of course she wants you there,” Jamie reassured. “Don’t let her go back to America mad at you.” I hate that Jamie knew what to say in situations like this because he always knew what to say, even after all these years. I don’t say anything, not because I didn’t have anything to say, but simply because Jamie said everything that needed to be said. I don’t know how or when I’m speaking to Skylar next, but I know I couldn’t let her leave the country without talking things out with her.

“Hey,” Jamie broke the silence. I looked up as he got my attention. “Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day?”

“I just have rehearsal later tonight,” I answered. “Why?” Jamie seemed to squirm in his seat and his face is getting red. Oh, he’s embarrassed.

“If you’re not doing anything until then, I figured maybe we can… hang out together,” Jamie suggested. I was confused and admittedly on-guard. What was his intention? Did he get anemia and forget that we have a horrible history together?

“Us? Hang out?” I said, trying to tell Jamie how I felt about the suggestion without hurting his feelings. Why do I care about his feelings for; God knows? “That’s sweet, but…”

“For Shawn and Skylar’s sake,” Jamie quickly added as he cleared his throat some more. “I, uhm… think things would be better if we learned to get along with each other in their company.” I raised an eyebrow, not fully convinced. “We also have to face the music some day,” he added.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Shawn and Skylar are going to get married,” Jamie stated. Not this discussion again. “And when they do, you already know Shawn is making me his best man and you’re Skylar’s maid of honor.” Jamie smiled as he spoke as if half of him was being serious and the other half was joking around. I couldn’t help but smile at his response. Touche, Mr. Kim.

“Is that right?” I teased back, crossing my arms along my chest. Jamie proudly nodded, playing along.

“It’s only right if we got a long for the sake of our future roles,” Jamie continued teasing, which made me laugh. Jamie had a weird humor that he didn’t need to say much to get his jokes across; but when he did, they always landed. People think Jamie is naturally not a funny guy because of this; I was always able to get his corny, cheesy jokes. Needless to say, he never failed in making me laugh.

“Sure, Mr. Best Man,” I said, getting my stuff together to get ready to leave the cafe. Jamie smiled, grabbing his things from the table to follow. “Where do you want to go?”

“Considering it’s not so hot outside today, and it looks like we’re both dressed in leisurewear,” Jamie mentioned. I looked down at my outfit, forgetting that I was in the dance rehearsal space earlier today. “I was on my way to Taehwagang before stopping here for a quick coffee.”

“Taehwagang?” I asked, not familiar with the area. “Is it far from Ulsan?”

“It’s right outside the city,” Jamie said. “You’ll love it.” Jamie waited until I walked pass him to exit the cafe. He directed us towards his car, walking toward the passenger’s side. Before I was able to open the door, Jamie was already doing it as if it was second nature to him. He never failed to open a door for someone out of politeness. I entered Jamie’s car and watched him walk over the driver’s side. I looked down at my phone and put it on silent; for once I didn’t want to be reached and I simply just wanted to focus on myself for a couple of hours.

Because a couple of hours with your ex-boyfriend in a foreign country where you don’t know your way around and you turn off your phone for some peace and quiet is always a great idea, right?

… Right?

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Things I Wish I Knew About SAD at 24.

liz

When I started therapy at 24, I thought I was healed. I thought I was going to get all of the answers to my questions about the things I was feeling. After speaking to a couple of social workers and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With this new diagnosis, I began to analyze everything that could possibly trigger my social anxiety; I was having anxiety about having anxiety.

In the first couple of months of trying different medications and techniques to help ease my social anxiety, I began to feel like I was nothing but my diagnosis. I began to avoid growing because I thought my anxiety was bigger than me at one point. The minor anxiety turned into having full blown anxiety attacks, and places that I didn’t have an issue going to on my own now became too scary to go to now. The things I once enjoyed became a lot to handle, and all I did was cry a lot. For something that was suppose to help me feel better mentally, I felt like I was only getting worse. It was visible to everyone around me and by the time the year was ending, my sibling had expressed to their own therapist they were worried that I was suicidal. I quietly was.

Even after all of that happening in the first couple of months living with my diagnosis, I had no idea how to manage it in the midst of finding who I was and balancing life as a person in their mid 20s.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I wish I knew these things about my social anxiety disorder when I was 24.

  • I am not my diagnosis. At 24, I was blaming everything that I did on the fact that I had anxiety, and I didn’t understand why those around me began to feel frustrated with me. I couldn’t understand why the people that loved me would be frustrated at something I had no control over. I remember having conversations with friends that simply would tell me I was now using my anxiety as a crutch. I thought they were being insensitive to my mental health, and I didn’t realize just how much they were right until I began to not introducing myself as “Liz, the girl with an anxiety disorder.” While my anxiety may look different than the next person which the same diagnosis, it does not mean that I am nothing without it. I wish I was aware enough to realize this in the gist of dealing with a new diagnosis; a lot of my younger years wouldn’t have had been wasted trying to find myself with my diagnosis clouding my judgement.
  • It’s not impossible to be assertive when you have “people-pleasing” tendencies. A big thing I learned about SAD at 24 was that a lot of it was triggered by pleasing those around me. In my relationship at the time, I wanted to appear as this perfect girl that wanted to be shown to others as “the perfect girl”. Academically, I wanted to show my family that I was best at what I did and be the subject of those “my daughter is pursuing her master’s” talks despite me mentally struggling to keep up with the work and with myself. In the middle of wanting to please those around me, I still was able to notice when people crossed the boundaries I have (even when I was too scared to voice them out to others). With each therapy session I had, I was reminded that I needed to be more assertive with those in my life and in situations where I need to stick up for myself. That involved confrontation, which is the worst option for someone dealing with an anxiety disorder. For awhile, it seemed impossible for me to learn assertiveness while being deemed as a “people-pleaser” (and update to 6 years later: I still struggle with it), but as I’ve grown and had experiences that required me to put it in action, I’ve learned that–like everything else in life–there’s always a balance. Yes, I can be considerate of people’s feelings but still hold them accountable when they use me as a scapegoat for their emotions. Yes, I can still be a good person to people but still be selfish with myself if I feel like I’m being disrespected. Yes, confrontation is inevitable but they will also help you learn life lessons you take with you in decades to come.
  • You cannot control other people and their thoughts, situations, and things that have nothing to do with you. A couple of years ago, I had a hard time learning what was truly in my control and what wasn’t. When things would get bad in my life, I constantly felt the need to control the situation so it the outcome wasn’t as unpredictable as I anticipated. A red flag in anxiety disorders. When relationships weren’t as great and healthy as they use were, I tried to preserve as much of it as possible to the part that it hurt me more holding on than to let them go. It got worse when I found other things to try to control during my weight-loss journey. Although it’s not as bad as it once was, I’ve come to terms that there will be some level of control I need in order to ease my anxiety… even if it causes more anxiety. To be quite honest, I still struggle to regulate my need to control things when I’m in stressful or high-anxiety situations. Cue in another red flag in anxiety disorders: impulsive decisions. At 24, I was unable to accept the fact that I couldn’t control how people reacted in situations or how they perceived me, and it truly doesn’t go away until you get older (or until you realize that other people’s thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with you.)
  • Be gentle with yourself; it’s never an “end-all” situation. Anxiety will make you feel like you are damned to ever not feel happiness in your life (which is crazy to even deem as true, but I did in my mid 20s). With an anxiety disorder, it is an extremely important to remember to be gentle with yourself. In my 20s, my anxiety constantly made me feel like I was my own worst enemy. I was constantly on this emotional rollercoaster; if I felt happy for too long I always had to question the authenticity of my feelings. I tried to fix everything in my life that I thought was broken even if I was the one that made things worse in the process. For most of my 20s, I had this belief that I was not worthy of being loved because I couldn’t find many reasons to love myself first. My anxiety had made me believe that my mental disorder made me damaged goods. Let’s be real now: mental health almost a decade ago was a topic most people were still scared to talk about due to the stigma behind it. Many of us who had mental issues at the time wasn’t diagnosed until it affected your daily functioning and you were already on a path of self-destruction. I wish when I was at 24 I had a little bit of clarity and understanding on what it meant to deal with a mental disorder and didn’t feed into the belief that having a poor mental health meant you were not capable of feeling or maintaining happiness in my life. I wish at 24, mental health was something that was socially acceptable as it is these days. I’m not saying that mental health is easier to handle these days (sometimes it feels like its the opposite with all the knowledge we have about it now), but it’s definitely something that doesn’t make you feel isolated anymore.

Anxiety in my 30s already feels so different to me than it was in my 20s. Besides having a better understanding and gained a level a self-awareness because of my anxiety, I’ve noticed my conversations shifting to other anxiety-inducing topics that I wasn’t even thinking about in my 20s. These days, I try to view my anxiety as a spicy add-on; while it doesn’t make everything I do hard, it still challenges me to see if I’m going to take on the task or be comfortable and avoiding it. (I’m looking at my partner who made me call for takeout the other night; needlesstosay, I felt good once that phone call was over!)

There’s a ton of things wish I knew about my anxiety when I was younger; sometimes I reflect back and think about all the time I wasted being too engulfed in my anxiety during my 20s. I will probably say this again about my 30s when I finish them in a decade. I don’t dwell on the time lost when I think back; things were meant to happen the way they did and if they didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be where I’m at these days. These have ultimately been the best years of my life because of my experiences, and I wouldn’t trade them in for the world.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #31: Pep, Milo, and the Big Bad News.

liz

Jennifer walks into her house and puts her bag on the ground near the door. The house is quiet for once. She looks around and calls out for her mom, then her younger sister. It wasn’t like the house had opportunity for it to be this quiet with two families living under the same roof.

Shortly after Jennifer enters the house, the front door opens once again; this time, it’s Milo.

Jennifer: Are you just now getting here?

Milo: *out of breath* We had dual major rehearsals.

Jennifer: Yeah, Nicki mentioned that at the pizza shop today.

Milo: I should’ve wrote you on AIM, but time just flew by.

Jennifer didn’t say anything else, she simply sighed.

Jennifer: Well, my mom and sister aren’t home yet; I guess she went to get Maryette at school or something.

Milo nods his head. Jennifer looks at Milo before changing the subject.

Jennifer: Remember that girl that came to our show that one time? She’s in your band class with Nicki or something?

Milo takes a moment to think.

Milo: What about her?

Jennifer: She came to the pizza shop; she said you put her on to the place.

Milo: *nonchalant* I recommended the place to her.

Jennifer: *stoic* Cool.

Milo: What are you trying to say?

Jennifer: Nothing; nothing at all…

Jennifer teases Milo; he catches on quickly.

Milo: What?!

Jennifer: Nothing! It just looks like this girl has a thing for you or something…

Milo’s face begins to turn red; he clears his throat before speaking.

Milo: Gwen is just some girl I work with in my band class. We’re in the strings section so I have to work with her with our music. And she’s also Nicki’s friend; it’s not like she only sees me as one.

Jennifer: *laughs* You don’t have to explain anything to me! The more you explain, the more guilty you seem…

Milo: I’m just making sure you know what the deal is.

Jennifer: *teases* I’m just saying, it’s not every day that a girl shows you interest.

Milo: *offended* What is that supposed to mean?!

Jennifer laughs at the banter. Afterwards, both teens turn to the front door when the lock is heard being opened. Jennifer’s mom and her boyfriend walk in; Jennifer’s expression changes.

Lydia: You guys are home early.

Jennifer: Nicki had cello practice…

Jennifer grabs her bookbag from the floor and walks past the adults. Milo, feeling uncomfortable, follows Jennifer upstairs. Once they get to Jennifer’s room, they drop their bags on the ground near her door.

Milo: You’re alright, Pep?

Jennifer: *annoyed* I’m fine, just wish there was a day where my mom isn’t with him…

Milo watches Jennifer pace around her room, doing things that don’t make much sense. He knows she’s just trying to keep her mind busy.

Milo: Pep?

Jennifer: *annoyed* What?

Milo: You just put your jacket in your trash can…

Jennifer looks down at the can in front of her; she indeed did toss her jacket into her trash. She sighs loudly, taking it out from the can and tossing it on her bed. Milo watches her.

Milo: I can’t speak for you, but I thought you would’ve been used to seeing your mom and dad together—

Jennifer: You’re right… you can’t speak for me because you don’t know how I feel.

Milo: I never said I did; I’m saying that they’ve been together for some time now—

Jennifer: *interrupts* Like I said, you can’t speak for me because you don’t know how I feel. Let’s just leave it at that.

The two teens go silent before starting their homework.

…

Jennifer, Milo, and Jennifer’s family sit at the kitchen table in silence. Milo is uncomfortable; he constantly looks at Jennifer to see if she’s okay. She’s not. Maryette is the one to break the ice.

Maryette: So me and Niko decided to try out for the flag football team at school. They thought Niko was a girl and I was the dude! I guess I play better than most guys on the team or something!

Lydia: *smiles* That’s great, honey! When do you find out if you made the team or not?

Maryette: Sometime next week I think. It’ll be cool if we actually got on the team together, then we’d get to go to all the away games together and hang out.

Lydia cocks an eyebrow as she eats. Jennifer looks at her sister before finally speaking.

Jennifer: More opportunities to kiss on the bus to those games–

Maryette: *defensive* That’s not true! Me and Niko are friends!

Jennifer laughs; Milo can’t help but smile.

Maryette: Just because you kiss Nate to your performances doesn’t mean everyone else does that!

Milo looks at Jennifer, unaware of this information.

Jennifer: *defensive* Shut up!

Maryette: Make me!

Jennifer: You don’t even know what you’re talking about, dumbass–

Maryette: I know you stalk his MySpace page!

Lydia: That’s enough!

Jennifer and Maryette stop talking; Milo is still shocked from the revelation. He looks at Jennifer; this time she looks at him and rolls his eyes. Lydia turns her head towards Justin.

Lydia: *to Justin* I’m sorry about this.

Justin: It’s okay, Lyd. Sisters are going to be sisters.

Jennifer looks at Justin and rolls her eyes. He notices.

Justin: *to Jennifer* Are you okay, Pep?

Jennifer: It’s Jennifer, or has it been so long that you forgot the name of your first born child?

Lydia: *stern* Jennifer Ann Castro!

Justin: *to Lydia* It’s okay. *turns back to Jennifer* I didn’t forget; I remember I picked the name ‘Jennifer’ after the character in Back to the Future. It was the movie your mom and I saw on our first date. She knew it was one of my favorite movies growing up so she rented the VHS at Blockbuster and brought it to watch it.

Justin smiles at Lydia; she’s smitten as well. Jennifer, on the other hand, is not having it.

Justin: Maryette was named after my grandmother, Maria Lizette.

Justin touches Lydia’s stomach, smiling as he rubs his thumb over her sweater. Lydia puts her hand on top of his. Milo observes; confused as to what is happening. Jennifer doesn’t look up from her plate to catch on. Lydia clears her throat before she starts to speak again.

Lydia: We wanted to talk to you girls about something important.

Maryette: What is it?

Lydia and Justin look at each other before looking back at the girls again. Milo begins to feel uncomfortable.

Lydia: As you both know, your father and I have been dating for quite some time. I know this hasn’t been easy for you two to adjust, but your father and I love each other very much and are happy to have found each other again to rekindle our relationship.

Jennifer wears a disgusted expression on her face; it doesn’t change as her mother speaks.

Justin: I’m hoping that I can have the chance to get to know you two better individually; perhaps during the summer break we can plan some fun activities and–

Jennifer: Why?

The table looks over at Jennifer, including Milo.

Justin: ‘Why?’

Jennifer: Yeah. Why all of a sudden do you want to get to know me and Mars better? I mean, shouldn’t you already know your own kids?

Lydia: Pep, please–

Justin: Jennifer, me going away 10 years–

Jennifer: *corrects* 11 years.

Justin: –11 years ago wasn’t because I didn’t love you or your sister–

Jennifer: *scoffs* Mars doesn’t even remember you! How is she supposed to know that her dad loved her when he left her as a baby?

Lydia: Jennifer!

Justin: *stern* It’s not as black and white as you think it is, Pep–

Jennifer: *annoyed* It’s Jennifer!

Justin looks over to Lydia as she lets out a deep breath; she looks a little queasy.

Maryette: Mom, are you okay?

Lydia: I’m fine, sweetie. *sighs* Girls, I know change can be scary and unpredictable. I know it’s been just the three of us for a long time, but trust me when I say that whether your father and I are together or not, the way we love you will never change.

Justin takes Lydia’s hand and holds it; his thumb rubbing the top of her knuckles. She takes another deep breath before looking at the girls. Milo’s eyes are glued on Jennifer, wishing he could comfort her the way Justin is comforting Lydia.

Lydia: *to Justin* I think that the five of us will be just fine in the end.

Milo scrunches his eyebrows; he immediately looks around the table. The girls seem confused as well.

Maryette: Five?

Jennifer: *worried* Five?

Lydia and Justin look at the girls.

Lydia: *smiles* We’re having a baby.

Milo’s eyes widen; he turns his head to look at Jennifer. Jennifer is devastated.

Jennifer: You’re what?!

Lydia: Pep–

Jennifer shoots up from her seat, furious.

Jennifer: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Lydia: *stern* Language–

Justin: Jennifer, just hear us out–

Jennifer: *to Lydia* How could you?! How could you allow this man to come back into our lives to complicate and ruin them! How could you do this without even talking to me and Mars about how we feel!

Lydia: Pep, please calm down–

Jennifer: *louder* And now you’re bringing another baby into this world with him?!

Justin: Jennifer–

Jennifer: *to Justin* Shut up! I don’t have to listen to anything you have to say! You are nothing but a deadbeat dad!

Lydia: *shouts* Jennifer Ann, that is enough!

Jennifer looks at the table; she quickly turns around and runs out of the kitchen. Milo gets up from his seat, running after Jennifer.

Before Jennifer can slam her door shut, Milo stops it from closing. He walks into the room as Jennifer begins to hyperventilate.

Milo: Pep–

Milo walks to Jennifer and puts his hands on her shoulders; she has a hard time taking steady breaths.

Milo: Pep; breathe.

Jennifer looks at Milo as she fights each breath. Milo breathes with her, helping her steady her breath. Once she does, she begins to cry.

Jennifer: Milo–

Milo pulls Jennifer in for a hug as she weeps in his shoulder.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Beau Band Battle: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

I entered the code to enter the building, as I always do whenever I have band practice. Typically, I come to practice with Aaron; it’s only when I have other shit to do before that I come here by myself. Today was one of those days.

I opened the hatch to the rehearsal space and walked in; Aaron and the guys were tuning their instruments and chatting before starting the practice. Aaron smiled as I walked in; he left his guitar next to his stuff and walked over to me. Of course, in true boy fashion, the guys teased him for showing any type of affection toward me and in true Aaron fashion; he didn’t care how affectionate he was.

“Hey, babe,” Aaron smiled as he greeted me. He gently kissed me on the forehead before walking me to the center of the room. He only kissed me on the forehead like that when he knew I was having a rough day, week, month; life. The night that I walked out of Milo’s place, I turned off my phone so that Milo wouldn’t try calling me or texting me. I was done having any contact with him and at this point fighting with him made me mentally ill. “You’re feeling alright?”

“Yeah,” I said as I sighed. “I’m just a little tired; I had to learn the new routine for my sister’s showcase.”

“We could’ve rescheduled,” Aaron insisted, stopping me in my tracks. “I don’t want you to overwork yourself.” It was sweet to have Aaron consider just how much pressure I put on myself when it comes to my extracurricular activities. I never really had anyone in my life tell me to slow down; I feel like no one in my life even knows what that looks like. I smiled at him, thankful for the concern.

“Too late,” I smiled as I joked. “I’m fine. Doing these things help distract me from all of the other shit going on in my life.” Aaron doesn’t protest this time; he walks me over to the microphone stand before walking back to his space.

“Alright,” Xavier, our drummer, began to say. “We have a week before we perform these songs at the Bueno Flamingo and there are some places that Dean said needed to be tweaked.” I nodded my head as I listened.

“Dean mentioned that ‘Stop that Feeling’ needed to be revamped some more. I don’t know how much we can redo since–“

“We got it,” Aaron interrupted the band’s bassist, Jordan. “With our sound, we could make it a little more hard rock and powerful with Mol’s vocals.” The guys all looked over at me as if they were waiting for me to confirm.

“You need me to sing higher notes?” I asked, a little nervous that’s where the conversation was heading. Aaron walked over to me before he answered. That means yes, Mollie.

“We were thinking about adding runs to the end of the chorus,” Aaron mentioned. I cocked up an eyebrow, annoyed that these executive decisions about my role in the band were not being made with me.

“Runs?” I repeated. “So, you want me to not only hit that high note at the bridge, but now you want me to do a run at the chorus as well?” It wasn’t that I couldn’t hit these notes; that’s the easy part. It was the fact that the band always thought that I’d do whatever they say for these songs.

“Babe,” Aaron whispered as he pulled me to the side. “I know I should’ve mentioned this before, but we need to impress these producers at this show and—“

“No, no; it’s fine,” I said to Aaron, sighing as I did. “I just wish you guys would tell me beforehand and not in the middle of rehearsal.”

“We normally wouldn’t make a change like this so last minute,” Aaron began to explain. “Dean literally just told us a couple of hours ago about this change.”

“It’s cool, Aaron,” I emphasized once more. I turned around and adjusted the microphone to my height. Nothing else was said; we all went to our positions and began the rehearsal. The song was pretty; it was a modern take on a 1980’s feeling song. Sure, it was ancient, but vintage. With the modern rock twist, I think the two genres really mesh well together.

As I sang, I watched Aaron through the mirrored wall in the studio. He was looking back at me, but he wasn’t smiling like he normally would. Did I hurt his feelings telling him I felt annoyed about the secret decision with the chorus run? Was he upset I had said something in front of the band? I know Aaron had a lot of things going on in his life; I can only imagine how difficult it is to juggle two majors and a band on the side. He also has to juggle having me as a girlfriend–

“Mols,” Aaron called out and stopped the song. I turned around to look at him, unsure why he stopped in the first place. “You’re missing that note.”

“What note?” I asked, confused. “The note is B flat; not sharp.”

“The note sounds too technical,” Aaron argued. “The song is about feeling free of a toxic relationship in your life. That note needs to have some life behind it.”

“The note will lose the cacophony,” I explained, annoyed to be called out like this. “It needs to be technical for it to sound right.”

“I should know how the note should sound like,” he spat back, scoffing to the other guys. The person Aaron turns into when it’s band practice is always stern, but supportive. Today I’m not sure what his problem is, and I didn’t like that he was acting like a typical teenage boy around the guys.

“I’m the one passing vocal class though,” I mumbled to myself but loud enough for the others to hear. Aaron’s eyebrows scrunched on his face; he clearly did not like the reaction the other guys had when I said that.

“Dude,” Xavier said to Aaron as he tried to contain his laughter.

“Ignore her; she’s just being a typical bratty diva vocalist,” Aaron dismissed as he tuned the strings on his guitar. I immediately ran out of the rehearsal room, feeling embarrassed. Before I was able to get the elevator down, I hear Aaron call out my name.

“Mollie!” Aaron shouted down the hallway with his bags packed for the day. I turned around in his direction feeling the knot in my stomach tighten the closer he got to me. He finally got to where I was standing and didn’t take his eyes off of me. The way he was calm was a bit scary. He handed me my bookbag. I looked down at it before taking it from Aaron. His eyes are still on me, and I can’t help but look back at him. Fuck.

“You left your bag,” Aaron simply said. I yanked it from his hand and didn’t say anything else. Aaron sighed as his face soften. “Mollie, I’m sorry for calling you out your name.”

“Aaron, I–” I began to say, but I know he didn’t want to hear anything that I had to say.

“I didn’t have to retaliate and stoop to your level,” Aaron said nonchalantly.

“I didn’t mean to say–“

“But you did, Mollie,” Aaron interrupted once again. “And you said it just because I was giving you a correction on a note from a song that I wrote.”

“A correction that isn’t necessary though,” I fought back. Aaron rolled his eyes and loudly sighed.

“Just so we’re on the same page Mollie; just because I’m not always sure about the music in vocal class, it doesn’t mean I don’t know the music for my band.” Aaron emphasized. At that point, I felt shitty and just wanted to go home and leave. The elevator doors finally open and I turned around to walk into them. Aaron hates me, and he’s gonna break up with me and–

As soon as I turned around to let the doors close, Aaron walks inside the elevator and grabs my face with his palms. It immediately takes me off-guard and tense.

“Relax,” Aaron calmy said. “I don’t hate you. I’m not going to break up with you. I’m was upset that you would use our grades in vocal against me when you felt defensive. I shouldn’t had said anything else to make matters worse.” I looked at Aaron as he spoke. Band practice was getting intense for all of us; mainly because our big show is coming up and this could be big for the band’s exposure. I know how much this means to Aaron; it’s sometimes all he talks about when we’ve spoke about everything under the sun. This means so much for him, and for him to want me to be a part of this dream with him is… something nobody has ever truly done with me.

“I’m sorry,” I said in Aaron’s hands, nearly starting to cry. I wasn’t used to someone forgiving me so quickly like this. I wasn’t used to someone literally taking my shit and having them reassure me that everything was alright between us. It’s like he knows I have such a hard time holding back my tongue whenever I get defensive. “I really didn’t mean it; I was just frustrated already when the note change and–“

“It’s okay,” Aaron stopped me before I spiraled back down. “And I’m sorry that I put you on blast today with the change. I sometimes forget that even the best vocalists need a heads up in note changes.” I rolled my eyes, glad that Aaron still was able to tease me a bit. He gently kissed me on the forehead as the elevator went down. I looked up at him before getting off on the main floor.

“Aaron?” I said as the elevator stopped on our floor. He turned around, now facing me. I wanted to ask him so many questions that I couldn’t understand. Why did this feel too good to be true? Why isn’t he mad at me? Why couldn’t I stay mad at him?

“What’s up?” he answered back. I smiled at him as I walked out of the elevator. Don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken, Mol.

“Nothing,” I smiled as I said, walking out of the space with him.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something About Past Reflections: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

The drive back from Kevin’s place was somewhat silent, but a different type of silence than what it was earlier in the day. Shawn was on the phone with Skylar, letting her know he was on his way back home.

“I’ll make sure to stop at GS25 and pick up those melon candies, ” Shawn smiled as he spoke to Skylar on the phone. “Babe, you’re going to love the Honeydew ones…what do you mean you don’t like Honeydew?!” I couldn’t help but laugh overhearing Shawn’s conversation, especially since Skylar was loud enough for me to hear what she was saying to him. “Alright, alright! We’ll get both, and I’m not sharing the Honeydew ones!” Shawn looked over at me, shaking his head in disbelief. “I love you too, babe; see you in a few.” Shawn smiled as he hung up the call. He took a deep breath before looking over at me; I glanced over at him as I drove.

“If I were to get 1 WON for every time Skylar gave you a piece of your own medicine, I’d be living in a penthouse in Incheon by now,” I teased. Shawn scoffed underneath his breath.

“What can I say? I am in love,” Shawn commented back before looking out the window. I shook my head and laughed, knowing what he was referencing to: Kevin’s comment tonight at dinner.

“Feels good, huh?” I continued to tease him, having way too much fun doing so. Shawn rolled his eyes.

“I knew I’ve been in love with Sky this entire time,” Shawn began to reflect.

“When was the exact moment you knew Skylar was the one?” I asked, teasing him in the process.

“Is it weird to say the first day I met her?” Shawn recalled. “She was so outgoing and confident on the dance floor. She just had this aura about her that literally was magnetic.”

“Is that why you decided to go home with her the same night?” I added. “She was just oozing in your favorite aura?

“Funny thing is, we didn’t even sleep together that night,” Shawn confessed. “We got back to her place and we literally just spoke for hours… and make out occasionally when there wasn’t much left to talk about.”

“Ah, well of course,” I agreed in a sarcastic tone. Shawn rolled his eyes at me. It nearly took him 8 years to figure it out.

“Being back home and showing her all these different places made things feel real, you know?” Shawn added. “I know she has a ton of going on with her family right now, but I know she’s the one.”

“Was it seeing JooAh and Kevin together that got you all lovey dovey?” I asked, still teasing him. Shawn shook his head; genuinely answering the question.

“It was holding his daughter that did,” Shawn confessed. Oh. That took a turn. “That new baby smell, those innocent eyes and those genuine smiles they give you when they look up toward you…” Shawn was now wandering in thought as he spoke. I kept glancing over at him feeling a bit anxious. I don’t know if this is going in the direction that I think it’s going in.

“Shawn, are you thinking about wanting kids in the future?” I asked at a red light. Shawn just kept looking forward, towards the road ahead. “Shawn?”

“Yeah,” Shawn finally said out loud, putting it out in the universe to know. “In that moment, I understood where Kevin was coming from. We both knew that he was in love with JooAh, but something changed in him seeing him with his daughter. It was like… a love I couldn’t quite understand when we were all in America last year. I understand it. I can relate to it on a deeper level.”

I listened to Shawn unscramble the thoughts in his head as he spoke. I didn’t want to interrupt him this time; typically I would tell Shawn to think things through before he went on and did things purely driven by emotion. This time, I wasn’t against Shawn’s decision of wanting to have kids with Skylar in the future. He’s in love with her, knows he wants to be with her, and made it happen because he sees his future being with her. I once related to something deep like that.

We finally got back to the place where Shawn was staying. I stopped the car in the parking garage, waiting for Shawn to get out and said bye for the day. He glanced over at me instead, with a perplexed look on his face.

“What?” I said to Shawn.

“Do you eventually want kids too?” Shawn asked. “I mean, I know you and Haram have such busy lives, but could you say that you can see yourself having children with her?” I couldn’t help but let out a loud sigh.

“I’m not in the same stage that you and Kevin are in,” I said, leaning my head back in my seat. “Haram and I are still getting to know each other, whereas you and Kevin have known your girlfriends for–“

“How about when you were with Grace?” Shawn interrupted. I scrunched my eyebrows together, upset at the choice of topic discussion.

“Why focus on the past if it’s in the past?” I spat out, beginning to get myself ready to start the car.

“Hyung,” Shawn gently said. There was no fight in his voice, which was frightening. He always fought when it came to this topic. “I can’t tell you how to live your life, and obviously things are different now. You’re with Haram, and Grace is with Sahim. If you even did see those things with Grace back then, what difference does it make now? It’s in the past, so talking about it shouldn’t affect anything happening now.”

“That’s the point; why talk about it now if it truly doesn’t matter?” I asked, now becoming annoyed. “What difference does it make whether or not I had these thoughts when I was with–“

“Forget that I asked,” Shawn dismissed the conversation, gathering his things to get out the car. He tried to open the passenger door; he couldn’t since it was still locked. “We’re really doing this, Hyung?”

“I’m tired of you constantly speaking in riddles with me about things you know I don’t like speaking about,” I said to Shawn. “You asked me this question, and you refuse to take the answers I give you–“

“Hyung, I don’t think you’re completely over Grace,” Shawn finally admitted, silencing the entire car. “I know she was over at your place the other night.” What?

“What?” I said out loud this time. “No, she–“

“Grace shares her location with Sky,” Shawn explained. “She was worried about Grace that night because she never went back to the hotel she was staying at. She asked me if I knew the area that her location was pinned at. That’s when I saw that she was at your house.” I swallowed hard, not really knowing what to say or even how to not make this a whole deal. The fact of the matter is that Grace just showing up at my house with the address written on envelopes of love letters I sent her years ago was a big fucking deal.

“Where else would she go?” I questioned, trying to make sense of the situation. “She’s in a foreign country and–“

“Jamie,” Shawn sighed as he said. “The woman has been in Korea for nearly a year. She can speak and understand basic Korean. She has the skills to survive a night in this country. She went to your place for a reason–“

“Look, she was under a lot of stress after what happened with you and Skylar,” I began to explain. “I didn’t ask her to come to my place. I didn’t bring her over here and–“

“Then you tell her that her being there is inappropriate and that you have a girlfriend,” Shawn concluded as he crossed his arms. “Stop making excuses for her–“

“Don’t even,” I began to say, but Shawn was louder than me in responding back.

“I don’t know who you’re fooling, but it surely isn’t me,” Shawn said loudly, clearly annoyed. “I’m just tired of you thinking that you’re over Grace but can’t even talk about her without it triggering you.”

“Triggering?” I repeated before I scoffed. “Talk about picking up your American girlfriend’s lingo. Look, I’m happy with Haram, so–“

“Bring Haram to our place,” Shawn interrupted once again, looking directly at me. “Sky is having Grace and Sahim over for dinner the night before we leave to go back to America. Your favorite thing to say is that you’re only around Grace in association with me and Sky; let’s see if it stays that way when we leave.”

“What does my girlfriend have to do with this?” I asked, emphasizing the girlfriend part.

“Haram deserves to be in the same room with the girlfriends of all of the men there,” Shawn snapped. “It would be wrong if she was missing–“

“You’re trying to prove something that really isn’t a big deal,” I said to Shawn, pretending to be nonchalant. The truth was that I was flipping out internally; I didn’t know how to take in the thought that Shawn believes I still have a thing for Grace. I don’t; I’m with Haram, and Grace has been a thing of the past for years–

“If it’s not a big deal, then accept my invitation,” Shawn pointed out. “Bring Haram with you to our dinner; this upcoming Monday. And don’t make some lame excuse that she has to work and blah blah blah. It’s crazy how I know more about Grace’s boyfriend than I do my own best friend’s girlfriend.” Shawn began getting out of the car; at this point, I was exhausted from talking to Shawn. “I invited Kevin and JooAh too, y’know, because I am finally learning to take responsibility for my own actions and right my wrongdoings,” Shawn mentioned as he walked away from the car.

I watched Shawn walk up to the staircase where the lobby is located. I finally let out the breath I was holding in and shut my eyes closed. I was tired of convincing people that I had moved on and in a happy relationship with Haram. Things with Haram have been so easy and manageable and… boring. But in the years where my life had been everything but boring; now being in a relationship that doesn’t require much thought or worry has been refreshing. For once in a really long time, I feel like I’m able to have the mental space to think about everything else going on in my life.

Who the hell am I kidding?

I sighed as I took my phone out of my pocket. I quickly dialed a number and placed the phone to my ear, hopefully she’ll pick up. I needed to get my mind off of everything and I needed to see if this was really what I thought it was. I know I love her, but do I love her more than–

“Jaemin?” Haram answered the call.

“Hey, Haram,” I greeted. “Are you busy tonight?”

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #30: The Absentee Bestie.

liz

Jennifer sits in the usual booth of the pizzeria her and her friends sit after school. She flips open her cell phone and sighs when she sees no incoming messages. She closes it and sighs. Moments later, Nicki enters the pizzeria.

Jennifer: Hey Nic!

Nicki finds Jennifer sitting in the booth, she waves as she approaches the booth.

Nicki: I’m assuming you already ate?

Jennifer: Your assumption is incorrect. I was waiting for Milo to finally show up since he was dying for me to try that Hawaiian slice *pretends to gag* but he hasn’t shown up yet.

Nicki: He had dual major rehearsals after school today. *questions* I thought it was with the vocal program?

Jennifer shrugs her shoulders.

Jennifer: Well it definitely wasn’t with the freshman choir. It sucks that he has these extra rehearsals just because he decided to take on two majors.

Nicki: Milo has always been into his music though.

Jennifer: *annoyed* Yeah, but I didn’t realize dude couldn’t have a social life anymore because of it.

Nicki: You’ll get used to it, Pep.

Jennifer sighs and drops the subject.

Jennifer: Where’s Danny? I’m surprised you guys aren’t joined together at the hip.

Nicki: *rolls her eyes* I have a life outside of Danny, for your information.

Jennifer: Like what? Watching reruns of Jeopardy?

Nicki sighs as Jennifer teases her friend.

Jennifer: Have you guys made it official yet?

Nicki: Pep! Can’t two people just get to know each other before deciding to throw a label on things?

Jennifer: *teases* Oooooh, so you guys are FWBs!

Nicki: “FWB”?

Jennifer: Friends with benefits!

Nicki’s face turns red.

Nicki: Absolutely not! I have some dignity.

Jennifer: I’m just saying; you like him, and he clearly likes you too—

Nicki: *nervous* You think so?

Jennifer cocks up an eyebrow, confirming her statement. Nicki sighs.

Nicki: Danny is too cool to like a nerd like me.

Jennifer: Nic, it’s 2007. We’re nearing the end of the new millennium! The jocks aren’t only with the cheerleaders and the musicians aren’t only with, like, the edgy girls. Danny totally likes you.

Nicki shifts in her seat; she seems uneasy.

Jennifer: What’s wrong?

Nicki: I guess I’m just trying to be okay with… you know…

Jennifer doesn’t know what Nicki is referring to.

Nicki: *sighs* Sometimes I feel like when Danny and I are getting closer to each other, it’s like we remember what happened between you and him and immediately back away. I know you’re over it, but–

Jennifer: Do you feel like you’re betraying me as a friend for liking Danny?

Nicki: *nervous* Is that how you feel?!

Jennifer: No, but I’m assuming that’s what you think I feel…

Jennifer sighs, taking a sip of her soda.

Jennifer: Nic, if I felt that way, I wouldn’t have had introduced you two in the first place. Yeah, Danny and I have a weird past, but I don’t allow that shit to get to me anymore. I have to move on in order to live my life, and Danny should do the same. It’s obvious he really likes you though.

Nicki’s face turns red. The door of the pizzeria opens; the girls turn around thinking it could be Milo. It was another guy from their high school. Nicki notices Jennifer looking a little bit longer than usual.

Nicki: Pep?

Jennifer doesn’t answer.

Nicki: *shouts* Pep!

Jennifer quickly turns face forward.

Jennifer: What?

Nicki: You have a thing for Nate or something?

Jennifer turns around once more to get another glance.

Jennifer: *swoons* His brown, curly hair is just so cute. Plus, he plays guitar.

Nicki: You definitely have a thing for musicians…

Nate turns his head and sees Jennifer looking. He smiles at her before she quickly turns around.

Jennifer: Oh god, he probably thinks I’m some weirdo now…

Nicki: He looked at you for two seconds, Pep; I don’ think he’d come to that conclusion in two seconds.

Jennifer: You’d be surprised!

Nicki shook her head in disbelief. The front door of the pizza shop opened again; this time, a girl enters. Nicki notices the girl.

Nicki: Hey Gwen!

Jennifer turns around and sees Gwen. Gwen awkwardly waves at Nicki. Nicki gestures Gwen to come to her table, in which Gwen slowly walks towards.

Gwen: *shy* Hi, Nicki.

Nicki: *to Gwen* Gwen, this is my best friend, Jennifer. Pep, this is my friend, Gwen.

Jennifer politely waves her hand to Gwen. Gwen returns the gesture.

Nicki: I’ve never seen you come to the pizza shop.

Gwen: Oh, Milo was the one that told me about it. I figured I’d come to get a slice on my way home.

Jennifer looks up when Gwen mentions Milo’s name. She looks at Gwen and notices the beanie on her head. It looks… familiar…

Jennifer: You know Milo?

Nicki: *to Jennifer* Gwen came to one of our shows, remember?

Jennifer can’t remember the memory.

Nicki: She also plays in Milo’s section in our band class.

Jennifer: Oh… Cool, cool…

Gwen stands there feeling awkward. Nicki clears her throat.

Nicki: *to Gwen* You’re going on the band trip this Saturday?

Gwen: Yeah! I gave Mr. Harrison my permission slip, I also reminded Milo that he need to get his in before the end of the week.

Jennifer: *interrupts, talking only in Nicki’s direction* I don’t think he’s going to that; he told me he was coming to my showcase in this city.

Gwen: Oh. He didn’t mention anything about being busy this weekend.

Jennifer side eyes Gwen’s comment; Gwen doesn’t seem to notice.

Nicki: I’ll see you tomorrow in band.

Gwen: See you.

Gwen walks away as Jennifer watches. Once Gwen is far away enough, Jennifer turns around to face Nicki.

Jennifer: Who the hell does she think she is?

Nicki: *sighs* Pep…

Jennifer: No, seriously! Who is she and why does she talk about Milo like she’s his secretary or something?

Nicki: What makes you say that?

Jennifer: *sarcastic* Oh, I don’t know; the fact that she clearly knows his agenda more than his best friend is a good start…

Nicki: Gwen’s just a girl in our class, trust me; Milo’s not looking at her like that.

Jennifer: *keeps going* And did you notice the beanie she was wearing? That’s the same beanie Milo always wears!

Nicki: Other people own that hat too, Pep; Milo bought it in Hot Topic for God’s sake–

Jennifer watches Gwen leave the pizza shop through the front window near their booth. Jennifer is uneasy. Nicki begins to get up from the booth.

Jennifer: You’re leaving already?

Nicki: I have cello lessons at 4:30; you know that.

Jennifer rolls her eyes.

Jennifer: I guess all of my friends are just too good to hang out with a vocal major.

Nicki: Pep, we hang out every single hour of the day, there can’t be that much gossip to discuss in a day–

Jennifer: Of course there is! We’re high school girls!

Nicki laughs as she says goodbye to Jennifer. Jennifer sighs as she sits n the booth alone; a first for her.