The "Something" Series: Season 3

To Love Something So Much, It Hurts: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I took off my headphones momentarily to wipe the sweat off of my face. I looked at the mirror, sweaty and out of breath after finishing the number. It was harder than the one Sonia gave me for the first half of the production. The moves were more difficult to execute, and my technique and to be flawless to do this routine well. The crazy thing is that I was the one that created the routine as if I like torturing myself. Something told me that this was the routine that mattered the most in my life. Sure, every performance I’ve ever did and every number I learned for a show mattered, but there was something about being in my 30s and performing in a once-in-a-lifetime production. Chances like this don’t come easy for dancers my age simply because our bodies are not as flexible and durable in the way it was when we were young dancers. I remember what my body was when I last danced competitively; I was 17 years old. Remembering my body from that time makes me wonder what kind of technique and skill would I have mastered if I kept dancing in my 20s. I would’ve been so much better than my mom if I did.

I sighed as I took a sip from my water bottle. Before I was about to put my headphones on, I hear my phone ring off. I walked over to answer my phone; it was Skylar.

“Hey,” I answered as I put my phone on speaker. “Need help packing your 15 bags back to America?”

“Ha ha,” Sky deadpanned as she responded. “I have Shawn helping me do just that, thank you very much.” I smiled as she spoke. She finally feels like my cousin Skylar.

“You guys are doing alright?” I asked. Things were getting intense the last time I was at Skylar’s place with Shawn, Sahim, and… Jamie.

“We’re doing fine,” Skylar began to explain. “We spoke things out and just focusing on getting back to Cali to be with my dad.”

“And that marriage proposal?” I asked. I had to ask. “Where does that stand–“

“We’re not engaged, Grace,” Skylar cleared up. She seemed annoyed to explain the situation. “Is marriage out of the picture because I said no this one time?”

“Does he know that?” I asked again. “What if he doesn’t ask you again?”

“Do you know something that I don’t?” Skylar began questioning me.

“What? No,” I quickly answered, sighing as I walked around the rehearsal space. “Sky, I’m just saying that if you don’t communicate with him, he’s going to think you’re never going to be ready to get married.”

“But telling him that we eventually will get married means I said yes, which defeats the purpose of me saying no in the first place,” she debated back to me.

“Sky, I’m just saying to make sure you communicate with Shawn about this,” I repeated, not wanting to get into an argument with her.

“With all due respect,” Skylar began to say. I rolled my eyes as she said it.

“Which means it’s about be disrespectful as hell, but go on,” I responded back. Skylar took a minute to say anything back.

“You’re right, because you’re talking to me as if you’re in this successful marriage or some shit,” Skylar spat back at me. “The last time I checked, you were about to marry a man just because you were carrying his kid–“

“I was in love with Max,” I corrected Skylar, feeling defensive.

“Not enough to stay together once the baby is born,” Skylar fought back. I was getting angry now; Skylar was notorious for bringing up your past when she felt like she was being threatened in any way possible.

“What are you trying to get at, Sky?” I asked, wanting to get Skylar to say what she wants to say. “I’m just simply saying that Shawn is a native, Korean man. He came to Korea with the intention of going back to the States with a fiancee. Korean men don’t string you along for long; they will tell you how they feel and make the moves to quickly–“

“Grace, please,” Skylar began to laugh. “You dated one Korean man, and now you speak for the entire country? You and Jamie wouldn’t have known what a healthy relationship was even if it hit you both in the face; please be for real.” I know Skylar always had an opinion with my relationship with Jamie. She didn’t understand it at the time; many people didn’t. I know half of her harsh comments were made with fear of being so far away from her dad while he’s ill, but half of it came from a place that she thought and kept inside her for so long. That’s what hurts the most.

“I have to go,” I dismissed the conversation. “I have shit to do.”

“Whatever,” Skylar said as she hung up the phone. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. Out of nowhere, I let out the loudest scream I possibly could.

…

I sat at one of the seats in cafe near the theater. I placed my coffee on top of the table and sat down feeling exhausted. Skylar never texted me or called me back, which was understandable. She has always been this stubborn for as long as I’ve known her. It worried me this time though. What if she isolates herself from everyone? What if she goes back to America and completely cuts me out of her life? Skylar was the closest thing to a sister I have, and it would kill me if she lets this get in between us.

“Grace?” I hear someone call out my name. I looked up and saw who it was. Surprisingly, it was Jamie. He stood there in a pair of shorts and a loose gym t-shirt.

“Jamie,” I said as I was trying to take everything in. “Hi.” He stood there awkwardly for a moment; he was clearly uncomfortable.

“How-how are you?” he asked me as he cleared his throat. I couldn’t help but smirk at Jamie. I sometimes wonder how he lasted this long being a lawyer with the worst poker face ever. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said as I adjusted in my seat and sighed. “You really wanna know how I’m doing?” Jamie didn’t say anything; he simply pulled out the seat across from me and sat down, placing his backpack on the ground next to him. I guess so. “Stressed as fuck.”

“Oh,” Jamie reacted. “As fuck.” I looked at Jamie as I almost burst out laughing. Jamie still had an accent whenever he spoke English. He also always did this thing whenever he heard something weird like slang, he had a habit to repeat it without even realizing it. “Sorry, force of habit.” he said.

“It’s cool,” I simply said as I took a sip of my coffee.

“What’s been stressing you out?” Jamie asked. I sighed when he did.

“Well,” I began to say. “I’m choreographing a number for the end of the production and it’s been taking a toll on my body. Now I know why dancers my age retire; their bones don’t do anything but crack.”

“Why are you making the dance so hard for yourself then?” he asked. Jamie always asks questions.

“This dance is special,” I answered, sighing afterwards. “I think this is going to be my last dance in elite.”

“Elite?” Jamie questioned.

“Professional,” I explained. “This production is not for the weak.”

“It’s not,” Jamie agreed. “It is why you got chosen to be a part of it.”

“Thanks,” I simply said as I played with the paper straw on top of my drink. “I’m very grateful to be a part of it, but I think it’s time I shifted my focus on dancing to something else.” Jamie shifted in his seat as he took in what I was telling him. I didn’t understand why or how I was so comfortable to even be telling him something so personal like this. No one else knows this information besides Jamie.

“Are you done dancing completely?” he started to ask before asking the next question. “Are you going back to the law firm?” I didn’t even think about going back to the firm as a possibility…

“I’m not sure what I want to do yet,” I answered truthfully. “While I still have so many more months left being here in Korea, it’s going to eventually end and before I know it I’m back in New York.”

“Don’t think so far into the future,” Jamie suggested. “Focus on what needs to be done right now, and if this dance is your main focus, then let it be.” I sighed and didn’t say anything after that; he wasn’t wrong.

“Yeah,” I simply said as filler. Jamie cleared his throat when things got too quiet again.

“You’re going to Skylar’s place on Monday?” he asked, changing the subject. I scrunched my eyebrows together, not knowing what he was talking about.

“Sky’s place? For what?” I asked.

“Shawn said he and Skylar were hosting a dinner before they depart to America,” Jamie explained. I shook my head and let out a deep breath.

“That’s probably what she wanted to talk to me about,” I mumbled to myself before looking at Jamie. “She didn’t tell me anything about it.” Jamie looked confused and guilty for saying anything about it to me.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie immediately apologized. “I thought you knew and–“

“It’s not your fault,” I stopped Jamie. “The truth is, Sky and I had an argument over the phone and it was pretty heated. So, I don’t think she would want me there for her big departure dinner.”

“You’re her cousin; of course she wants you there,” Jamie reassured. “Don’t let her go back to America mad at you.” I hate that Jamie knew what to say in situations like this because he always knew what to say, even after all these years. I don’t say anything, not because I didn’t have anything to say, but simply because Jamie said everything that needed to be said. I don’t know how or when I’m speaking to Skylar next, but I know I couldn’t let her leave the country without talking things out with her.

“Hey,” Jamie broke the silence. I looked up as he got my attention. “Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day?”

“I just have rehearsal later tonight,” I answered. “Why?” Jamie seemed to squirm in his seat and his face is getting red. Oh, he’s embarrassed.

“If you’re not doing anything until then, I figured maybe we can… hang out together,” Jamie suggested. I was confused and admittedly on-guard. What was his intention? Did he get anemia and forget that we have a horrible history together?

“Us? Hang out?” I said, trying to tell Jamie how I felt about the suggestion without hurting his feelings. Why do I care about his feelings for; God knows? “That’s sweet, but…”

“For Shawn and Skylar’s sake,” Jamie quickly added as he cleared his throat some more. “I, uhm… think things would be better if we learned to get along with each other in their company.” I raised an eyebrow, not fully convinced. “We also have to face the music some day,” he added.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Shawn and Skylar are going to get married,” Jamie stated. Not this discussion again. “And when they do, you already know Shawn is making me his best man and you’re Skylar’s maid of honor.” Jamie smiled as he spoke as if half of him was being serious and the other half was joking around. I couldn’t help but smile at his response. Touche, Mr. Kim.

“Is that right?” I teased back, crossing my arms along my chest. Jamie proudly nodded, playing along.

“It’s only right if we got a long for the sake of our future roles,” Jamie continued teasing, which made me laugh. Jamie had a weird humor that he didn’t need to say much to get his jokes across; but when he did, they always landed. People think Jamie is naturally not a funny guy because of this; I was always able to get his corny, cheesy jokes. Needless to say, he never failed in making me laugh.

“Sure, Mr. Best Man,” I said, getting my stuff together to get ready to leave the cafe. Jamie smiled, grabbing his things from the table to follow. “Where do you want to go?”

“Considering it’s not so hot outside today, and it looks like we’re both dressed in leisurewear,” Jamie mentioned. I looked down at my outfit, forgetting that I was in the dance rehearsal space earlier today. “I was on my way to Taehwagang before stopping here for a quick coffee.”

“Taehwagang?” I asked, not familiar with the area. “Is it far from Ulsan?”

“It’s right outside the city,” Jamie said. “You’ll love it.” Jamie waited until I walked pass him to exit the cafe. He directed us towards his car, walking toward the passenger’s side. Before I was able to open the door, Jamie was already doing it as if it was second nature to him. He never failed to open a door for someone out of politeness. I entered Jamie’s car and watched him walk over the driver’s side. I looked down at my phone and put it on silent; for once I didn’t want to be reached and I simply just wanted to focus on myself for a couple of hours.

Because a couple of hours with your ex-boyfriend in a foreign country where you don’t know your way around and you turn off your phone for some peace and quiet is always a great idea, right?

… Right?

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Things I Wish I Knew About SAD at 24.

liz

When I started therapy at 24, I thought I was healed. I thought I was going to get all of the answers to my questions about the things I was feeling. After speaking to a couple of social workers and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With this new diagnosis, I began to analyze everything that could possibly trigger my social anxiety; I was having anxiety about having anxiety.

In the first couple of months of trying different medications and techniques to help ease my social anxiety, I began to feel like I was nothing but my diagnosis. I began to avoid growing because I thought my anxiety was bigger than me at one point. The minor anxiety turned into having full blown anxiety attacks, and places that I didn’t have an issue going to on my own now became too scary to go to now. The things I once enjoyed became a lot to handle, and all I did was cry a lot. For something that was suppose to help me feel better mentally, I felt like I was only getting worse. It was visible to everyone around me and by the time the year was ending, my sibling had expressed to their own therapist they were worried that I was suicidal. I quietly was.

Even after all of that happening in the first couple of months living with my diagnosis, I had no idea how to manage it in the midst of finding who I was and balancing life as a person in their mid 20s.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I wish I knew these things about my social anxiety disorder when I was 24.

  • I am not my diagnosis. At 24, I was blaming everything that I did on the fact that I had anxiety, and I didn’t understand why those around me began to feel frustrated with me. I couldn’t understand why the people that loved me would be frustrated at something I had no control over. I remember having conversations with friends that simply would tell me I was now using my anxiety as a crutch. I thought they were being insensitive to my mental health, and I didn’t realize just how much they were right until I began to not introducing myself as “Liz, the girl with an anxiety disorder.” While my anxiety may look different than the next person which the same diagnosis, it does not mean that I am nothing without it. I wish I was aware enough to realize this in the gist of dealing with a new diagnosis; a lot of my younger years wouldn’t have had been wasted trying to find myself with my diagnosis clouding my judgement.
  • It’s not impossible to be assertive when you have “people-pleasing” tendencies. A big thing I learned about SAD at 24 was that a lot of it was triggered by pleasing those around me. In my relationship at the time, I wanted to appear as this perfect girl that wanted to be shown to others as “the perfect girl”. Academically, I wanted to show my family that I was best at what I did and be the subject of those “my daughter is pursuing her master’s” talks despite me mentally struggling to keep up with the work and with myself. In the middle of wanting to please those around me, I still was able to notice when people crossed the boundaries I have (even when I was too scared to voice them out to others). With each therapy session I had, I was reminded that I needed to be more assertive with those in my life and in situations where I need to stick up for myself. That involved confrontation, which is the worst option for someone dealing with an anxiety disorder. For awhile, it seemed impossible for me to learn assertiveness while being deemed as a “people-pleaser” (and update to 6 years later: I still struggle with it), but as I’ve grown and had experiences that required me to put it in action, I’ve learned that–like everything else in life–there’s always a balance. Yes, I can be considerate of people’s feelings but still hold them accountable when they use me as a scapegoat for their emotions. Yes, I can still be a good person to people but still be selfish with myself if I feel like I’m being disrespected. Yes, confrontation is inevitable but they will also help you learn life lessons you take with you in decades to come.
  • You cannot control other people and their thoughts, situations, and things that have nothing to do with you. A couple of years ago, I had a hard time learning what was truly in my control and what wasn’t. When things would get bad in my life, I constantly felt the need to control the situation so it the outcome wasn’t as unpredictable as I anticipated. A red flag in anxiety disorders. When relationships weren’t as great and healthy as they use were, I tried to preserve as much of it as possible to the part that it hurt me more holding on than to let them go. It got worse when I found other things to try to control during my weight-loss journey. Although it’s not as bad as it once was, I’ve come to terms that there will be some level of control I need in order to ease my anxiety… even if it causes more anxiety. To be quite honest, I still struggle to regulate my need to control things when I’m in stressful or high-anxiety situations. Cue in another red flag in anxiety disorders: impulsive decisions. At 24, I was unable to accept the fact that I couldn’t control how people reacted in situations or how they perceived me, and it truly doesn’t go away until you get older (or until you realize that other people’s thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with you.)
  • Be gentle with yourself; it’s never an “end-all” situation. Anxiety will make you feel like you are damned to ever not feel happiness in your life (which is crazy to even deem as true, but I did in my mid 20s). With an anxiety disorder, it is an extremely important to remember to be gentle with yourself. In my 20s, my anxiety constantly made me feel like I was my own worst enemy. I was constantly on this emotional rollercoaster; if I felt happy for too long I always had to question the authenticity of my feelings. I tried to fix everything in my life that I thought was broken even if I was the one that made things worse in the process. For most of my 20s, I had this belief that I was not worthy of being loved because I couldn’t find many reasons to love myself first. My anxiety had made me believe that my mental disorder made me damaged goods. Let’s be real now: mental health almost a decade ago was a topic most people were still scared to talk about due to the stigma behind it. Many of us who had mental issues at the time wasn’t diagnosed until it affected your daily functioning and you were already on a path of self-destruction. I wish when I was at 24 I had a little bit of clarity and understanding on what it meant to deal with a mental disorder and didn’t feed into the belief that having a poor mental health meant you were not capable of feeling or maintaining happiness in my life. I wish at 24, mental health was something that was socially acceptable as it is these days. I’m not saying that mental health is easier to handle these days (sometimes it feels like its the opposite with all the knowledge we have about it now), but it’s definitely something that doesn’t make you feel isolated anymore.

Anxiety in my 30s already feels so different to me than it was in my 20s. Besides having a better understanding and gained a level a self-awareness because of my anxiety, I’ve noticed my conversations shifting to other anxiety-inducing topics that I wasn’t even thinking about in my 20s. These days, I try to view my anxiety as a spicy add-on; while it doesn’t make everything I do hard, it still challenges me to see if I’m going to take on the task or be comfortable and avoiding it. (I’m looking at my partner who made me call for takeout the other night; needlesstosay, I felt good once that phone call was over!)

There’s a ton of things wish I knew about my anxiety when I was younger; sometimes I reflect back and think about all the time I wasted being too engulfed in my anxiety during my 20s. I will probably say this again about my 30s when I finish them in a decade. I don’t dwell on the time lost when I think back; things were meant to happen the way they did and if they didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be where I’m at these days. These have ultimately been the best years of my life because of my experiences, and I wouldn’t trade them in for the world.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #31: Pep, Milo, and the Big Bad News.

liz

Jennifer walks into her house and puts her bag on the ground near the door. The house is quiet for once. She looks around and calls out for her mom, then her younger sister. It wasn’t like the house had opportunity for it to be this quiet with two families living under the same roof.

Shortly after Jennifer enters the house, the front door opens once again; this time, it’s Milo.

Jennifer: Are you just now getting here?

Milo: *out of breath* We had dual major rehearsals.

Jennifer: Yeah, Nicki mentioned that at the pizza shop today.

Milo: I should’ve wrote you on AIM, but time just flew by.

Jennifer didn’t say anything else, she simply sighed.

Jennifer: Well, my mom and sister aren’t home yet; I guess she went to get Maryette at school or something.

Milo nods his head. Jennifer looks at Milo before changing the subject.

Jennifer: Remember that girl that came to our show that one time? She’s in your band class with Nicki or something?

Milo takes a moment to think.

Milo: What about her?

Jennifer: She came to the pizza shop; she said you put her on to the place.

Milo: *nonchalant* I recommended the place to her.

Jennifer: *stoic* Cool.

Milo: What are you trying to say?

Jennifer: Nothing; nothing at all…

Jennifer teases Milo; he catches on quickly.

Milo: What?!

Jennifer: Nothing! It just looks like this girl has a thing for you or something…

Milo’s face begins to turn red; he clears his throat before speaking.

Milo: Gwen is just some girl I work with in my band class. We’re in the strings section so I have to work with her with our music. And she’s also Nicki’s friend; it’s not like she only sees me as one.

Jennifer: *laughs* You don’t have to explain anything to me! The more you explain, the more guilty you seem…

Milo: I’m just making sure you know what the deal is.

Jennifer: *teases* I’m just saying, it’s not every day that a girl shows you interest.

Milo: *offended* What is that supposed to mean?!

Jennifer laughs at the banter. Afterwards, both teens turn to the front door when the lock is heard being opened. Jennifer’s mom and her boyfriend walk in; Jennifer’s expression changes.

Lydia: You guys are home early.

Jennifer: Nicki had cello practice…

Jennifer grabs her bookbag from the floor and walks past the adults. Milo, feeling uncomfortable, follows Jennifer upstairs. Once they get to Jennifer’s room, they drop their bags on the ground near her door.

Milo: You’re alright, Pep?

Jennifer: *annoyed* I’m fine, just wish there was a day where my mom isn’t with him…

Milo watches Jennifer pace around her room, doing things that don’t make much sense. He knows she’s just trying to keep her mind busy.

Milo: Pep?

Jennifer: *annoyed* What?

Milo: You just put your jacket in your trash can…

Jennifer looks down at the can in front of her; she indeed did toss her jacket into her trash. She sighs loudly, taking it out from the can and tossing it on her bed. Milo watches her.

Milo: I can’t speak for you, but I thought you would’ve been used to seeing your mom and dad together—

Jennifer: You’re right… you can’t speak for me because you don’t know how I feel.

Milo: I never said I did; I’m saying that they’ve been together for some time now—

Jennifer: *interrupts* Like I said, you can’t speak for me because you don’t know how I feel. Let’s just leave it at that.

The two teens go silent before starting their homework.

…

Jennifer, Milo, and Jennifer’s family sit at the kitchen table in silence. Milo is uncomfortable; he constantly looks at Jennifer to see if she’s okay. She’s not. Maryette is the one to break the ice.

Maryette: So me and Niko decided to try out for the flag football team at school. They thought Niko was a girl and I was the dude! I guess I play better than most guys on the team or something!

Lydia: *smiles* That’s great, honey! When do you find out if you made the team or not?

Maryette: Sometime next week I think. It’ll be cool if we actually got on the team together, then we’d get to go to all the away games together and hang out.

Lydia cocks an eyebrow as she eats. Jennifer looks at her sister before finally speaking.

Jennifer: More opportunities to kiss on the bus to those games–

Maryette: *defensive* That’s not true! Me and Niko are friends!

Jennifer laughs; Milo can’t help but smile.

Maryette: Just because you kiss Nate to your performances doesn’t mean everyone else does that!

Milo looks at Jennifer, unaware of this information.

Jennifer: *defensive* Shut up!

Maryette: Make me!

Jennifer: You don’t even know what you’re talking about, dumbass–

Maryette: I know you stalk his MySpace page!

Lydia: That’s enough!

Jennifer and Maryette stop talking; Milo is still shocked from the revelation. He looks at Jennifer; this time she looks at him and rolls his eyes. Lydia turns her head towards Justin.

Lydia: *to Justin* I’m sorry about this.

Justin: It’s okay, Lyd. Sisters are going to be sisters.

Jennifer looks at Justin and rolls her eyes. He notices.

Justin: *to Jennifer* Are you okay, Pep?

Jennifer: It’s Jennifer, or has it been so long that you forgot the name of your first born child?

Lydia: *stern* Jennifer Ann Castro!

Justin: *to Lydia* It’s okay. *turns back to Jennifer* I didn’t forget; I remember I picked the name ‘Jennifer’ after the character in Back to the Future. It was the movie your mom and I saw on our first date. She knew it was one of my favorite movies growing up so she rented the VHS at Blockbuster and brought it to watch it.

Justin smiles at Lydia; she’s smitten as well. Jennifer, on the other hand, is not having it.

Justin: Maryette was named after my grandmother, Maria Lizette.

Justin touches Lydia’s stomach, smiling as he rubs his thumb over her sweater. Lydia puts her hand on top of his. Milo observes; confused as to what is happening. Jennifer doesn’t look up from her plate to catch on. Lydia clears her throat before she starts to speak again.

Lydia: We wanted to talk to you girls about something important.

Maryette: What is it?

Lydia and Justin look at each other before looking back at the girls again. Milo begins to feel uncomfortable.

Lydia: As you both know, your father and I have been dating for quite some time. I know this hasn’t been easy for you two to adjust, but your father and I love each other very much and are happy to have found each other again to rekindle our relationship.

Jennifer wears a disgusted expression on her face; it doesn’t change as her mother speaks.

Justin: I’m hoping that I can have the chance to get to know you two better individually; perhaps during the summer break we can plan some fun activities and–

Jennifer: Why?

The table looks over at Jennifer, including Milo.

Justin: ‘Why?’

Jennifer: Yeah. Why all of a sudden do you want to get to know me and Mars better? I mean, shouldn’t you already know your own kids?

Lydia: Pep, please–

Justin: Jennifer, me going away 10 years–

Jennifer: *corrects* 11 years.

Justin: –11 years ago wasn’t because I didn’t love you or your sister–

Jennifer: *scoffs* Mars doesn’t even remember you! How is she supposed to know that her dad loved her when he left her as a baby?

Lydia: Jennifer!

Justin: *stern* It’s not as black and white as you think it is, Pep–

Jennifer: *annoyed* It’s Jennifer!

Justin looks over to Lydia as she lets out a deep breath; she looks a little queasy.

Maryette: Mom, are you okay?

Lydia: I’m fine, sweetie. *sighs* Girls, I know change can be scary and unpredictable. I know it’s been just the three of us for a long time, but trust me when I say that whether your father and I are together or not, the way we love you will never change.

Justin takes Lydia’s hand and holds it; his thumb rubbing the top of her knuckles. She takes another deep breath before looking at the girls. Milo’s eyes are glued on Jennifer, wishing he could comfort her the way Justin is comforting Lydia.

Lydia: *to Justin* I think that the five of us will be just fine in the end.

Milo scrunches his eyebrows; he immediately looks around the table. The girls seem confused as well.

Maryette: Five?

Jennifer: *worried* Five?

Lydia and Justin look at the girls.

Lydia: *smiles* We’re having a baby.

Milo’s eyes widen; he turns his head to look at Jennifer. Jennifer is devastated.

Jennifer: You’re what?!

Lydia: Pep–

Jennifer shoots up from her seat, furious.

Jennifer: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Lydia: *stern* Language–

Justin: Jennifer, just hear us out–

Jennifer: *to Lydia* How could you?! How could you allow this man to come back into our lives to complicate and ruin them! How could you do this without even talking to me and Mars about how we feel!

Lydia: Pep, please calm down–

Jennifer: *louder* And now you’re bringing another baby into this world with him?!

Justin: Jennifer–

Jennifer: *to Justin* Shut up! I don’t have to listen to anything you have to say! You are nothing but a deadbeat dad!

Lydia: *shouts* Jennifer Ann, that is enough!

Jennifer looks at the table; she quickly turns around and runs out of the kitchen. Milo gets up from his seat, running after Jennifer.

Before Jennifer can slam her door shut, Milo stops it from closing. He walks into the room as Jennifer begins to hyperventilate.

Milo: Pep–

Milo walks to Jennifer and puts his hands on her shoulders; she has a hard time taking steady breaths.

Milo: Pep; breathe.

Jennifer looks at Milo as she fights each breath. Milo breathes with her, helping her steady her breath. Once she does, she begins to cry.

Jennifer: Milo–

Milo pulls Jennifer in for a hug as she weeps in his shoulder.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Beau Band Battle: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

I entered the code to enter the building, as I always do whenever I have band practice. Typically, I come to practice with Aaron; it’s only when I have other shit to do before that I come here by myself. Today was one of those days.

I opened the hatch to the rehearsal space and walked in; Aaron and the guys were tuning their instruments and chatting before starting the practice. Aaron smiled as I walked in; he left his guitar next to his stuff and walked over to me. Of course, in true boy fashion, the guys teased him for showing any type of affection toward me and in true Aaron fashion; he didn’t care how affectionate he was.

“Hey, babe,” Aaron smiled as he greeted me. He gently kissed me on the forehead before walking me to the center of the room. He only kissed me on the forehead like that when he knew I was having a rough day, week, month; life. The night that I walked out of Milo’s place, I turned off my phone so that Milo wouldn’t try calling me or texting me. I was done having any contact with him and at this point fighting with him made me mentally ill. “You’re feeling alright?”

“Yeah,” I said as I sighed. “I’m just a little tired; I had to learn the new routine for my sister’s showcase.”

“We could’ve rescheduled,” Aaron insisted, stopping me in my tracks. “I don’t want you to overwork yourself.” It was sweet to have Aaron consider just how much pressure I put on myself when it comes to my extracurricular activities. I never really had anyone in my life tell me to slow down; I feel like no one in my life even knows what that looks like. I smiled at him, thankful for the concern.

“Too late,” I smiled as I joked. “I’m fine. Doing these things help distract me from all of the other shit going on in my life.” Aaron doesn’t protest this time; he walks me over to the microphone stand before walking back to his space.

“Alright,” Xavier, our drummer, began to say. “We have a week before we perform these songs at the Bueno Flamingo and there are some places that Dean said needed to be tweaked.” I nodded my head as I listened.

“Dean mentioned that ‘Stop that Feeling’ needed to be revamped some more. I don’t know how much we can redo since–“

“We got it,” Aaron interrupted the band’s bassist, Jordan. “With our sound, we could make it a little more hard rock and powerful with Mol’s vocals.” The guys all looked over at me as if they were waiting for me to confirm.

“You need me to sing higher notes?” I asked, a little nervous that’s where the conversation was heading. Aaron walked over to me before he answered. That means yes, Mollie.

“We were thinking about adding runs to the end of the chorus,” Aaron mentioned. I cocked up an eyebrow, annoyed that these executive decisions about my role in the band were not being made with me.

“Runs?” I repeated. “So, you want me to not only hit that high note at the bridge, but now you want me to do a run at the chorus as well?” It wasn’t that I couldn’t hit these notes; that’s the easy part. It was the fact that the band always thought that I’d do whatever they say for these songs.

“Babe,” Aaron whispered as he pulled me to the side. “I know I should’ve mentioned this before, but we need to impress these producers at this show and—“

“No, no; it’s fine,” I said to Aaron, sighing as I did. “I just wish you guys would tell me beforehand and not in the middle of rehearsal.”

“We normally wouldn’t make a change like this so last minute,” Aaron began to explain. “Dean literally just told us a couple of hours ago about this change.”

“It’s cool, Aaron,” I emphasized once more. I turned around and adjusted the microphone to my height. Nothing else was said; we all went to our positions and began the rehearsal. The song was pretty; it was a modern take on a 1980’s feeling song. Sure, it was ancient, but vintage. With the modern rock twist, I think the two genres really mesh well together.

As I sang, I watched Aaron through the mirrored wall in the studio. He was looking back at me, but he wasn’t smiling like he normally would. Did I hurt his feelings telling him I felt annoyed about the secret decision with the chorus run? Was he upset I had said something in front of the band? I know Aaron had a lot of things going on in his life; I can only imagine how difficult it is to juggle two majors and a band on the side. He also has to juggle having me as a girlfriend–

“Mols,” Aaron called out and stopped the song. I turned around to look at him, unsure why he stopped in the first place. “You’re missing that note.”

“What note?” I asked, confused. “The note is B flat; not sharp.”

“The note sounds too technical,” Aaron argued. “The song is about feeling free of a toxic relationship in your life. That note needs to have some life behind it.”

“The note will lose the cacophony,” I explained, annoyed to be called out like this. “It needs to be technical for it to sound right.”

“I should know how the note should sound like,” he spat back, scoffing to the other guys. The person Aaron turns into when it’s band practice is always stern, but supportive. Today I’m not sure what his problem is, and I didn’t like that he was acting like a typical teenage boy around the guys.

“I’m the one passing vocal class though,” I mumbled to myself but loud enough for the others to hear. Aaron’s eyebrows scrunched on his face; he clearly did not like the reaction the other guys had when I said that.

“Dude,” Xavier said to Aaron as he tried to contain his laughter.

“Ignore her; she’s just being a typical bratty diva vocalist,” Aaron dismissed as he tuned the strings on his guitar. I immediately ran out of the rehearsal room, feeling embarrassed. Before I was able to get the elevator down, I hear Aaron call out my name.

“Mollie!” Aaron shouted down the hallway with his bags packed for the day. I turned around in his direction feeling the knot in my stomach tighten the closer he got to me. He finally got to where I was standing and didn’t take his eyes off of me. The way he was calm was a bit scary. He handed me my bookbag. I looked down at it before taking it from Aaron. His eyes are still on me, and I can’t help but look back at him. Fuck.

“You left your bag,” Aaron simply said. I yanked it from his hand and didn’t say anything else. Aaron sighed as his face soften. “Mollie, I’m sorry for calling you out your name.”

“Aaron, I–” I began to say, but I know he didn’t want to hear anything that I had to say.

“I didn’t have to retaliate and stoop to your level,” Aaron said nonchalantly.

“I didn’t mean to say–“

“But you did, Mollie,” Aaron interrupted once again. “And you said it just because I was giving you a correction on a note from a song that I wrote.”

“A correction that isn’t necessary though,” I fought back. Aaron rolled his eyes and loudly sighed.

“Just so we’re on the same page Mollie; just because I’m not always sure about the music in vocal class, it doesn’t mean I don’t know the music for my band.” Aaron emphasized. At that point, I felt shitty and just wanted to go home and leave. The elevator doors finally open and I turned around to walk into them. Aaron hates me, and he’s gonna break up with me and–

As soon as I turned around to let the doors close, Aaron walks inside the elevator and grabs my face with his palms. It immediately takes me off-guard and tense.

“Relax,” Aaron calmy said. “I don’t hate you. I’m not going to break up with you. I’m was upset that you would use our grades in vocal against me when you felt defensive. I shouldn’t had said anything else to make matters worse.” I looked at Aaron as he spoke. Band practice was getting intense for all of us; mainly because our big show is coming up and this could be big for the band’s exposure. I know how much this means to Aaron; it’s sometimes all he talks about when we’ve spoke about everything under the sun. This means so much for him, and for him to want me to be a part of this dream with him is… something nobody has ever truly done with me.

“I’m sorry,” I said in Aaron’s hands, nearly starting to cry. I wasn’t used to someone forgiving me so quickly like this. I wasn’t used to someone literally taking my shit and having them reassure me that everything was alright between us. It’s like he knows I have such a hard time holding back my tongue whenever I get defensive. “I really didn’t mean it; I was just frustrated already when the note change and–“

“It’s okay,” Aaron stopped me before I spiraled back down. “And I’m sorry that I put you on blast today with the change. I sometimes forget that even the best vocalists need a heads up in note changes.” I rolled my eyes, glad that Aaron still was able to tease me a bit. He gently kissed me on the forehead as the elevator went down. I looked up at him before getting off on the main floor.

“Aaron?” I said as the elevator stopped on our floor. He turned around, now facing me. I wanted to ask him so many questions that I couldn’t understand. Why did this feel too good to be true? Why isn’t he mad at me? Why couldn’t I stay mad at him?

“What’s up?” he answered back. I smiled at him as I walked out of the elevator. Don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken, Mol.

“Nothing,” I smiled as I said, walking out of the space with him.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something About Past Reflections: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

The drive back from Kevin’s place was somewhat silent, but a different type of silence than what it was earlier in the day. Shawn was on the phone with Skylar, letting her know he was on his way back home.

“I’ll make sure to stop at GS25 and pick up those melon candies, ” Shawn smiled as he spoke to Skylar on the phone. “Babe, you’re going to love the Honeydew ones…what do you mean you don’t like Honeydew?!” I couldn’t help but laugh overhearing Shawn’s conversation, especially since Skylar was loud enough for me to hear what she was saying to him. “Alright, alright! We’ll get both, and I’m not sharing the Honeydew ones!” Shawn looked over at me, shaking his head in disbelief. “I love you too, babe; see you in a few.” Shawn smiled as he hung up the call. He took a deep breath before looking over at me; I glanced over at him as I drove.

“If I were to get 1 WON for every time Skylar gave you a piece of your own medicine, I’d be living in a penthouse in Incheon by now,” I teased. Shawn scoffed underneath his breath.

“What can I say? I am in love,” Shawn commented back before looking out the window. I shook my head and laughed, knowing what he was referencing to: Kevin’s comment tonight at dinner.

“Feels good, huh?” I continued to tease him, having way too much fun doing so. Shawn rolled his eyes.

“I knew I’ve been in love with Sky this entire time,” Shawn began to reflect.

“When was the exact moment you knew Skylar was the one?” I asked, teasing him in the process.

“Is it weird to say the first day I met her?” Shawn recalled. “She was so outgoing and confident on the dance floor. She just had this aura about her that literally was magnetic.”

“Is that why you decided to go home with her the same night?” I added. “She was just oozing in your favorite aura?

“Funny thing is, we didn’t even sleep together that night,” Shawn confessed. “We got back to her place and we literally just spoke for hours… and make out occasionally when there wasn’t much left to talk about.”

“Ah, well of course,” I agreed in a sarcastic tone. Shawn rolled his eyes at me. It nearly took him 8 years to figure it out.

“Being back home and showing her all these different places made things feel real, you know?” Shawn added. “I know she has a ton of going on with her family right now, but I know she’s the one.”

“Was it seeing JooAh and Kevin together that got you all lovey dovey?” I asked, still teasing him. Shawn shook his head; genuinely answering the question.

“It was holding his daughter that did,” Shawn confessed. Oh. That took a turn. “That new baby smell, those innocent eyes and those genuine smiles they give you when they look up toward you…” Shawn was now wandering in thought as he spoke. I kept glancing over at him feeling a bit anxious. I don’t know if this is going in the direction that I think it’s going in.

“Shawn, are you thinking about wanting kids in the future?” I asked at a red light. Shawn just kept looking forward, towards the road ahead. “Shawn?”

“Yeah,” Shawn finally said out loud, putting it out in the universe to know. “In that moment, I understood where Kevin was coming from. We both knew that he was in love with JooAh, but something changed in him seeing him with his daughter. It was like… a love I couldn’t quite understand when we were all in America last year. I understand it. I can relate to it on a deeper level.”

I listened to Shawn unscramble the thoughts in his head as he spoke. I didn’t want to interrupt him this time; typically I would tell Shawn to think things through before he went on and did things purely driven by emotion. This time, I wasn’t against Shawn’s decision of wanting to have kids with Skylar in the future. He’s in love with her, knows he wants to be with her, and made it happen because he sees his future being with her. I once related to something deep like that.

We finally got back to the place where Shawn was staying. I stopped the car in the parking garage, waiting for Shawn to get out and said bye for the day. He glanced over at me instead, with a perplexed look on his face.

“What?” I said to Shawn.

“Do you eventually want kids too?” Shawn asked. “I mean, I know you and Haram have such busy lives, but could you say that you can see yourself having children with her?” I couldn’t help but let out a loud sigh.

“I’m not in the same stage that you and Kevin are in,” I said, leaning my head back in my seat. “Haram and I are still getting to know each other, whereas you and Kevin have known your girlfriends for–“

“How about when you were with Grace?” Shawn interrupted. I scrunched my eyebrows together, upset at the choice of topic discussion.

“Why focus on the past if it’s in the past?” I spat out, beginning to get myself ready to start the car.

“Hyung,” Shawn gently said. There was no fight in his voice, which was frightening. He always fought when it came to this topic. “I can’t tell you how to live your life, and obviously things are different now. You’re with Haram, and Grace is with Sahim. If you even did see those things with Grace back then, what difference does it make now? It’s in the past, so talking about it shouldn’t affect anything happening now.”

“That’s the point; why talk about it now if it truly doesn’t matter?” I asked, now becoming annoyed. “What difference does it make whether or not I had these thoughts when I was with–“

“Forget that I asked,” Shawn dismissed the conversation, gathering his things to get out the car. He tried to open the passenger door; he couldn’t since it was still locked. “We’re really doing this, Hyung?”

“I’m tired of you constantly speaking in riddles with me about things you know I don’t like speaking about,” I said to Shawn. “You asked me this question, and you refuse to take the answers I give you–“

“Hyung, I don’t think you’re completely over Grace,” Shawn finally admitted, silencing the entire car. “I know she was over at your place the other night.” What?

“What?” I said out loud this time. “No, she–“

“Grace shares her location with Sky,” Shawn explained. “She was worried about Grace that night because she never went back to the hotel she was staying at. She asked me if I knew the area that her location was pinned at. That’s when I saw that she was at your house.” I swallowed hard, not really knowing what to say or even how to not make this a whole deal. The fact of the matter is that Grace just showing up at my house with the address written on envelopes of love letters I sent her years ago was a big fucking deal.

“Where else would she go?” I questioned, trying to make sense of the situation. “She’s in a foreign country and–“

“Jamie,” Shawn sighed as he said. “The woman has been in Korea for nearly a year. She can speak and understand basic Korean. She has the skills to survive a night in this country. She went to your place for a reason–“

“Look, she was under a lot of stress after what happened with you and Skylar,” I began to explain. “I didn’t ask her to come to my place. I didn’t bring her over here and–“

“Then you tell her that her being there is inappropriate and that you have a girlfriend,” Shawn concluded as he crossed his arms. “Stop making excuses for her–“

“Don’t even,” I began to say, but Shawn was louder than me in responding back.

“I don’t know who you’re fooling, but it surely isn’t me,” Shawn said loudly, clearly annoyed. “I’m just tired of you thinking that you’re over Grace but can’t even talk about her without it triggering you.”

“Triggering?” I repeated before I scoffed. “Talk about picking up your American girlfriend’s lingo. Look, I’m happy with Haram, so–“

“Bring Haram to our place,” Shawn interrupted once again, looking directly at me. “Sky is having Grace and Sahim over for dinner the night before we leave to go back to America. Your favorite thing to say is that you’re only around Grace in association with me and Sky; let’s see if it stays that way when we leave.”

“What does my girlfriend have to do with this?” I asked, emphasizing the girlfriend part.

“Haram deserves to be in the same room with the girlfriends of all of the men there,” Shawn snapped. “It would be wrong if she was missing–“

“You’re trying to prove something that really isn’t a big deal,” I said to Shawn, pretending to be nonchalant. The truth was that I was flipping out internally; I didn’t know how to take in the thought that Shawn believes I still have a thing for Grace. I don’t; I’m with Haram, and Grace has been a thing of the past for years–

“If it’s not a big deal, then accept my invitation,” Shawn pointed out. “Bring Haram with you to our dinner; this upcoming Monday. And don’t make some lame excuse that she has to work and blah blah blah. It’s crazy how I know more about Grace’s boyfriend than I do my own best friend’s girlfriend.” Shawn began getting out of the car; at this point, I was exhausted from talking to Shawn. “I invited Kevin and JooAh too, y’know, because I am finally learning to take responsibility for my own actions and right my wrongdoings,” Shawn mentioned as he walked away from the car.

I watched Shawn walk up to the staircase where the lobby is located. I finally let out the breath I was holding in and shut my eyes closed. I was tired of convincing people that I had moved on and in a happy relationship with Haram. Things with Haram have been so easy and manageable and… boring. But in the years where my life had been everything but boring; now being in a relationship that doesn’t require much thought or worry has been refreshing. For once in a really long time, I feel like I’m able to have the mental space to think about everything else going on in my life.

Who the hell am I kidding?

I sighed as I took my phone out of my pocket. I quickly dialed a number and placed the phone to my ear, hopefully she’ll pick up. I needed to get my mind off of everything and I needed to see if this was really what I thought it was. I know I love her, but do I love her more than–

“Jaemin?” Haram answered the call.

“Hey, Haram,” I greeted. “Are you busy tonight?”

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #30: The Absentee Bestie.

liz

Jennifer sits in the usual booth of the pizzeria her and her friends sit after school. She flips open her cell phone and sighs when she sees no incoming messages. She closes it and sighs. Moments later, Nicki enters the pizzeria.

Jennifer: Hey Nic!

Nicki finds Jennifer sitting in the booth, she waves as she approaches the booth.

Nicki: I’m assuming you already ate?

Jennifer: Your assumption is incorrect. I was waiting for Milo to finally show up since he was dying for me to try that Hawaiian slice *pretends to gag* but he hasn’t shown up yet.

Nicki: He had dual major rehearsals after school today. *questions* I thought it was with the vocal program?

Jennifer shrugs her shoulders.

Jennifer: Well it definitely wasn’t with the freshman choir. It sucks that he has these extra rehearsals just because he decided to take on two majors.

Nicki: Milo has always been into his music though.

Jennifer: *annoyed* Yeah, but I didn’t realize dude couldn’t have a social life anymore because of it.

Nicki: You’ll get used to it, Pep.

Jennifer sighs and drops the subject.

Jennifer: Where’s Danny? I’m surprised you guys aren’t joined together at the hip.

Nicki: *rolls her eyes* I have a life outside of Danny, for your information.

Jennifer: Like what? Watching reruns of Jeopardy?

Nicki sighs as Jennifer teases her friend.

Jennifer: Have you guys made it official yet?

Nicki: Pep! Can’t two people just get to know each other before deciding to throw a label on things?

Jennifer: *teases* Oooooh, so you guys are FWBs!

Nicki: “FWB”?

Jennifer: Friends with benefits!

Nicki’s face turns red.

Nicki: Absolutely not! I have some dignity.

Jennifer: I’m just saying; you like him, and he clearly likes you too—

Nicki: *nervous* You think so?

Jennifer cocks up an eyebrow, confirming her statement. Nicki sighs.

Nicki: Danny is too cool to like a nerd like me.

Jennifer: Nic, it’s 2007. We’re nearing the end of the new millennium! The jocks aren’t only with the cheerleaders and the musicians aren’t only with, like, the edgy girls. Danny totally likes you.

Nicki shifts in her seat; she seems uneasy.

Jennifer: What’s wrong?

Nicki: I guess I’m just trying to be okay with… you know…

Jennifer doesn’t know what Nicki is referring to.

Nicki: *sighs* Sometimes I feel like when Danny and I are getting closer to each other, it’s like we remember what happened between you and him and immediately back away. I know you’re over it, but–

Jennifer: Do you feel like you’re betraying me as a friend for liking Danny?

Nicki: *nervous* Is that how you feel?!

Jennifer: No, but I’m assuming that’s what you think I feel…

Jennifer sighs, taking a sip of her soda.

Jennifer: Nic, if I felt that way, I wouldn’t have had introduced you two in the first place. Yeah, Danny and I have a weird past, but I don’t allow that shit to get to me anymore. I have to move on in order to live my life, and Danny should do the same. It’s obvious he really likes you though.

Nicki’s face turns red. The door of the pizzeria opens; the girls turn around thinking it could be Milo. It was another guy from their high school. Nicki notices Jennifer looking a little bit longer than usual.

Nicki: Pep?

Jennifer doesn’t answer.

Nicki: *shouts* Pep!

Jennifer quickly turns face forward.

Jennifer: What?

Nicki: You have a thing for Nate or something?

Jennifer turns around once more to get another glance.

Jennifer: *swoons* His brown, curly hair is just so cute. Plus, he plays guitar.

Nicki: You definitely have a thing for musicians…

Nate turns his head and sees Jennifer looking. He smiles at her before she quickly turns around.

Jennifer: Oh god, he probably thinks I’m some weirdo now…

Nicki: He looked at you for two seconds, Pep; I don’ think he’d come to that conclusion in two seconds.

Jennifer: You’d be surprised!

Nicki shook her head in disbelief. The front door of the pizza shop opened again; this time, a girl enters. Nicki notices the girl.

Nicki: Hey Gwen!

Jennifer turns around and sees Gwen. Gwen awkwardly waves at Nicki. Nicki gestures Gwen to come to her table, in which Gwen slowly walks towards.

Gwen: *shy* Hi, Nicki.

Nicki: *to Gwen* Gwen, this is my best friend, Jennifer. Pep, this is my friend, Gwen.

Jennifer politely waves her hand to Gwen. Gwen returns the gesture.

Nicki: I’ve never seen you come to the pizza shop.

Gwen: Oh, Milo was the one that told me about it. I figured I’d come to get a slice on my way home.

Jennifer looks up when Gwen mentions Milo’s name. She looks at Gwen and notices the beanie on her head. It looks… familiar…

Jennifer: You know Milo?

Nicki: *to Jennifer* Gwen came to one of our shows, remember?

Jennifer can’t remember the memory.

Nicki: She also plays in Milo’s section in our band class.

Jennifer: Oh… Cool, cool…

Gwen stands there feeling awkward. Nicki clears her throat.

Nicki: *to Gwen* You’re going on the band trip this Saturday?

Gwen: Yeah! I gave Mr. Harrison my permission slip, I also reminded Milo that he need to get his in before the end of the week.

Jennifer: *interrupts, talking only in Nicki’s direction* I don’t think he’s going to that; he told me he was coming to my showcase in this city.

Gwen: Oh. He didn’t mention anything about being busy this weekend.

Jennifer side eyes Gwen’s comment; Gwen doesn’t seem to notice.

Nicki: I’ll see you tomorrow in band.

Gwen: See you.

Gwen walks away as Jennifer watches. Once Gwen is far away enough, Jennifer turns around to face Nicki.

Jennifer: Who the hell does she think she is?

Nicki: *sighs* Pep…

Jennifer: No, seriously! Who is she and why does she talk about Milo like she’s his secretary or something?

Nicki: What makes you say that?

Jennifer: *sarcastic* Oh, I don’t know; the fact that she clearly knows his agenda more than his best friend is a good start…

Nicki: Gwen’s just a girl in our class, trust me; Milo’s not looking at her like that.

Jennifer: *keeps going* And did you notice the beanie she was wearing? That’s the same beanie Milo always wears!

Nicki: Other people own that hat too, Pep; Milo bought it in Hot Topic for God’s sake–

Jennifer watches Gwen leave the pizza shop through the front window near their booth. Jennifer is uneasy. Nicki begins to get up from the booth.

Jennifer: You’re leaving already?

Nicki: I have cello lessons at 4:30; you know that.

Jennifer rolls her eyes.

Jennifer: I guess all of my friends are just too good to hang out with a vocal major.

Nicki: Pep, we hang out every single hour of the day, there can’t be that much gossip to discuss in a day–

Jennifer: Of course there is! We’re high school girls!

Nicki laughs as she says goodbye to Jennifer. Jennifer sighs as she sits n the booth alone; a first for her.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Relating to Something Deeper: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

It wasn’t like Shawn to be completely silent during a car ride. Typically, he would go on about something that makes absolutely no sense to anyone around him. I glanced over at him at every red light we stopped that, just to make sure that he was actually doing okay.

“Shawn,” I called out, tired of the awkward silence accompany us in this car. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Shawn answered back quickly. “I’m perfectly fine, there’s no reason for me to not be–“

“Ya,” I interrupted Shawn. “Clearly, something is bothering you; is this about seeing Kevin?”

“What do I even say to the guy,” Shawn started to vent. “Hey! How’s life? Congrats on becoming a father; was your carelessness worth losing your best friend–“

“That’s enough,” I scolded Shawn. “I don’t need you two fighting, let alone at his house of all places.”

“I just don’t think we’re ever going to be as close as we were,” Shawn concluded, looking out the passenger’s window.

“All I’m asking is for the animosity to go,” I stated as I continue to drive. “Just being cordial is all I’m asking.” Shawn quickly turned over, now facing me.

“You’re not going to understand, so why do I even bother explaining this to you?” Shawn spat out. “You’re just thinking about friendship and brotherhood, not even realizing that Kevin broke both of those things!”

“Shawn, I’m not repeating this conversation with you over and over again,” I said, sighing as I finished. “I’m not even the person you should be having this conversation with.”

“Whatever,” Shawn said, turning back towards the passenger’s window. I let him sulk in his feelings. I know Shawn will work things out with Kevin.

…

We finally get to Kevin’s place; I nearly had to drag Shawn out of the car just to walk a small flight of steps. When he finally got around to walk on his own towards the front door, I let out a deep breath, hoping everything would go as planned.

Once I knocked on the door Kevin opened it, immediately greeting me as he saw me.

“Hyung!” Kevin greeted as he gave me a hug. I don’t have many chances to see Kevin these days, so it was always nice to see him when I do.

“Kevin,” I greeted back as I returned the hug. Once we greeted each other, I looked back to see Shawn standing there, awkwardly watching afar.

“I brought Shawn, like I told you I was going to do,” I looked back at Kevin, trying to maintain the peace between the two. Kevin looked at Shawn, visibly nervous. Shawn didn’t say anything; he kept standing there.

“Yeah, JooAh and I prepared dinner for all of us tonight,” Kevin added on. “She had to go to the market to grab a couple of things, but she should be back when we sit down and eat.” I nodded my head, slowly walking towards the front door. I look at Shawn, watching him slolwy walk behind me into Kevin’s house.

Kevin’s house was typical for a young couple with a child. Kevin’s interest in pop culture reflects that with the different figurines on the shelves. I can only assume JooAh is into art as the walls are covered in different size canvases of both famous and local artists. Baby accessories also are scattered throughout the place. A young couple’s house indeed.

“It looks like parenthood has been treating you well,” I teased, looking around the living room. Kevin deadpanned as he laughed, clearly not amused. He couldn’t help but actually laugh once I did.

“It’s been… a journey,” Kevin said, trying to find the words. “Yubin has definitely giving JooAh and I a challenge.” I smiled as Kevin spoke. His entire face lit up when he spoke about his daughter.

“Is she with JooAh?” I asked.

“She’s taking her nap in her room,” Kevin answered, walking towards the kitchen area and reached into the fridge. I looked at Shawn, hoping he’d say something to engage in the conversation. I forget how stubborn this man is. A couple of minutes later, we all hear a faint cry in the other room. Kevin immediately walks to the other room, knowing his daughter had just woke up.

“Ya,” I said as I turned to face Shawn. “Why are you being so awkward?”

“I’m literally just sitting here,” Shawn complained. “What am I suppose to say?”

“Shawn, you haven’t seen this man in 9 months,” I mentioned, trying to make a point. “The least you can do is start up some type of conversation–“

“Why do I have to?” Shawn whined as he interrupted.

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” I simply said, turning back around when Kevin walked back into the living room. This time, he has his daughter in his arms.

“This is Yubin,” Kevin introduced us to his daughter with a smile on his face. “Binnie for short.” She was tiny in Kevin’s arms, and she seemed to be at peace in that moment. I glanced over at Shawn, looking directly at the tiny baby. Kevin looked up at us before he focused in on Shawn. “Would you like to hold her?” Kevin asked Shawn. I looked over at Shawn, surprised that Kevin would approach him in this way. Shawn looked up at Kevin; the air suddenly got thick. Shawn looked at the baby once again before opening his arms out. Kevin slowly lowered the baby into Shawn’s arms. His face immediately lit up looking down at Yubin.

“Agi,” Shawn said as he smiled. Shawn looked up back at Kevin. “She’s so tiny.”

“She can eat her entire weight,” Kevin laughed, smiling as he watched Shawn coo with the baby.

“She’s going to grow up to be a world renowned chef and try all of the different food around the world,” Shawn smiled as he looked at the baby once more. I watched Shawn and Kevin talk to each other for the first time since we were all in California. Our lives were completely different in a short period of time. Since the last time we’ve all been together, Kevin became a father, Shawn moved to America to be with Skylar, and I… well, I came back to live my normal life.

“She’s adorable, Kevin,” I finally said, looking at Shawn rock the baby in his arms. Kevin smiled as he watched along.

…

“Thank you for having us tonight,” I said as JooAh began to bring the dishes to the table. Kevin walks in behind her, helping her bring the food.

“Anytime,”JooAh smiled as she said. “It’s a nice change to have company over.” Kevin smiled as he kissed her forehead. “I’ll come in a little later to eat; I want to put Binnie down after I feed her.”

“We’ll save you some food,” Kevin reassured. JooAh walks out of the dining area and into the baby’s room. We sat down at the table, getting food to put on our plates silently. Surprisingly, Kevin was the one that began the conversation.

“So, are you still doing cases overseas for the firm?” Kevin asked me as he served himself some food.

“I haven’t in awhile,” I answered as I ate. “I’ve just been taking smaller cases here and there.” Kevin nodded as he drank from his cup. Kevin had left the firm when JooAh was pregnant with Yubin. I don’t blame him, considering he has singlehandedly seen me miss all of my important family events due to being a lawyer. He never scolded me for choosing my career over my family, but secretly he was taking note in what not to do when it came to starting a family of his own.

“I guess it’s best that way,” Kevin added. “It allows you to be closer to home with your family. I nodded, not really wanting to get too much into it about my reasonings for not traveling the way I did. Kevin looked over at Shawn who was busy eating the food off of his plate. “Are you still in the firm, Shawn?” I looked up at both Kevin and Shawn. Shawn looked perplexed in hearing Kevin call his name out like that. I could tell it took him a second to get his thoughts straight.

“I’m not,” Shawn answered. Kevin widen his eyes, genuinely shocked.

“Oh; where do you work now?” Kevin asked. Shawn looked at Kevin before answering. Shawn, please don’t make this into an argument–

“In America,” Shawn spat out. “With my girlfriend.” Aigoo, Shawn. Kevin nearly choked on his glass of water when Shawn answered.

“America?” Kevin repeated. “You work in America–“

“I also live in America,” Shawn stated. “With my girlfriend,” Shawn continued to speak, this time he started to speak in English. Kevin looked at me; he was clearly confused.

“When did you move there?” Kevin kept asking questions. I tried to intervene in the conversation to cool things down, but at this point I was just considered dead weight at the table.

“Not long after I was forced to break the love of my life’s heart for abruptly leaving the country,” Shawn finally vented out.

“You’re with Grace’s cousin?” Kevin asked as he turned his head toward me to confirm.

“Her name is Skylar,” Shawn corrected Kevin. “And yes, she’s my girlfriend and eventually my future wife.”

“Shawn,” I finally said, trying to get him out of this combative headspace. I knew it was pointless to do so; it’s Shawn for crying out loud.

“I’m happy for you,” Kevin finally commented. “Seriously. You guys connected really well and–“

“Yeah, and it nearly took us months for her to even trust me to stay in America,” Shawn interrupted. “You know, after we all had to leave to come back here because of JooAh being pregnant–“

“Ya,” I scolded Shawn this time, trying to calm him down. “That’s enough–“

“I don’t want to argue with you, Shawn,” Kevin finally said. “I just want to say that I apologize for being the reason our friendship was affected. I wasn’t thinking about what anyone else had going on during our time in America and just wanted to be as close to JooAh as possible in that moment.” The table went silent for what seemed like more than a minute. “I should’ve considered that you were falling in love with Skylar and that Jamie was reconnecting with Grace.” I quickly reacted to the sound of Grace’s name; I almost forgot we were on good terms back in California.

“It was hard for me,” Shawn started to vent. “I felt like I was losing my mind every minute I was back in Korea. I felt like I was grieving losing someone that didn’t even die. I knew I had to go back to her as soon as possible.” Kevin looked at me as he tried to comprehend the newfound information from Shawn. Yeah, I know, Kevin. Shawn’s never been this way before.

“You were in love,” Kevin said out loud rather than directly to Shawn. “I was also in love. I mean, we are both in love, and I understand the pain you were feeling. I felt that pain when I was too far away from JooAh. So, trust me when I say that I’m glad you are now with the love of your life. It’s like the mornings feel so much better waking up next to the person you love. You get to see their face every morning the moment you wake up. There’s no better feeling.” Shawn’s expression soften a bit as Kevin spoke. He finally let out a huge sigh, as if he was physically holding in the tension between them within his body.

“I’m going to marry her one day, when the time is right for the both of us,” Shawn said as he smiled. Kevin returned the smile back.

“JooAh and I were thinking about having a real ceremony when Yubin gets a little bigger,” Kevin added on. “I would love for you and Skylar to come.” I watched their conversation as if it were a tennis match. I anticipated every response that both Shawn and Kevin had for each other.

“I would have to discuss it with Skylar, but I would like that.” Kevin smiled. He got up from the table and walked to Shawn. He tightly gave him a hug, which Shawn seemed to be shocked with at first. He quickly accepted the hug from Kevin. I couldn’t help but smile.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Frenemies Reunion: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t focus in vocal today, and the time was dragging so it wasn’t like I was going to get out of there anytime soon. My dad kept having us rehearse this specific section in a piece that a lot of us was messing up on; not me, though. It was exhausting hearing the same section mess up the same notes for 10 minutes straight.

“Mr. Serrano,” my dad called out at Aaron. “That note is sharp, not flat. I need you to clean that note up so your section doesn’t throw off the Tenors.” I looked over at Aaron as he scribbled on his sheet music, nodding his head at my dad. I looked over to Mollie out of curiosity and, of course, she looks more stressed than Aaron does. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes as I fidgeted in place. “Class, do we need to do quartets? It looks like you guys do not know your music the week of the damn show!” my dad shouted at the class. Everyone looked frightened; I wasn’t.

The class went on and practiced the song, making the same mistakes that we all went over not too long ago. My dad stops the rehearsal and stands up from behind the piano. He looks at the class and doesn’t say a word.

“Everyone take a seat,” he calmly said. “When I call your name, please stand up; clearly you all think is is some sort of joke.” He scans the room in silence. “Quartets.” I rolled my eyes, wishing that the bell would ring to end the period. “Chelsea Steele for Alto, Aaron Serrano for Baritone, Daniel Parrilla for Bass, Milo Kamalani for Tenor, and Mollie Castro for Soprano,” my dad called out. I sighed loudly as I got up from my seat; it immediately alarmed my dad. “Problem, Mr. Kamalani?”

“I know my music,” I spat back at him. “I don’t get why you’re quizzing people that actually know their music,” I rolled my eyes as I said.

“If one of you doesn’t know your music, then all of you don’t know your music,” he responded back. “You think those in the audience can tell who knows their music if one of you are completely off-pitch? No; they judge you as a whole. Does that answer your question?” I didn’t say anything back; I was one talkback away from getting my dual majors taken from me. My dad finally stopped looking at me and faced the rest of the class. “Kyrie in D Minor.” My dad went and played the starting noted for each section. After counting us in, we all sang.

Quartets were only scary if you had absolutely no idea what your parts were in the songs. You can tell those who knew their music versus those who didn’t; those who did stood up straight and confident meanwhile those that didn’t fidgeted in their standing place. The 5 of us began singing the latter half of Mozart’s Requiem; the half where all parts sing along to different words and miraculously come together before the end. I shut my eyes as I sang, trying to focus on my part as I continue hearing Aaron’s baritone facts be slightly off-pitch in every start of each measure. Fuck.

“Stop, stop,” my dad stood up and saved. We stopped singing and looked in his direction. “It sounds like the only person who knows their music in this round are the ladies, and Mr. Parrilla,” he commented.

“I know my music,” I said out loud. “Don’t blame my mistakes for me not knowing my music when–“

“Mr. Kamalani come see me after class,” my dad dismissed. “In the meantime, you can sit down.” I sat back down in my seat, annoyed at the entire situation. I hear snickering in the row behind me. As I turned around, I see Mollie laughing and shaking her head to herself. You should be embarrassed that your boyfriend is one of the weakest links in this damn ensemble…

…

The bell rings and everyone begins to pack up for the day. I wanted nothing more than to just go home and be by myself for the night. Of course, things were easier said than done. I watched my dad silently talk to Aaron at his desk, probably to scold him about not knowing any of his music. Will his dual major status get jeopardized like how mine was, or is Aaron just forever off the hook? I looked up to see Mollie walk right past me. On some days, it hurt that we acted like we were complete strangers, especially knowing what our after-school plans used to be.

“Ms. Castro,” my dad looked up as Mollie walked by. “I need to see you once I’m done with this conversation.”

“Why?” she questioned. She seemed annoyed. “You said I knew my music and–“

“Mollie,” my dad simply said. She rolled her eyes and walked to one of the seats in the classroom. Oh, this wasn’t a vocal-related discussion. My dad dismissed Aaron, but he turned around to look at Mollie.

“Is she going to be long, Mr. Kamalani?” Aaron asked. My dad crossed his arms and sighed at the question.

“My suggestion is that you go home and practice your music, Mr. Serrano,” my dad began to say. “It’s unacceptable for a dual major to be so behind in his major’s studies.” It looks like Aaron didn’t fight it; he waved at Mollie before exiting the vocal room. Once the door closes shut, it’s like the switch goes off for all three of us.

“Seriously, Mr. Kamalani?” Mollie began to complain.

“Jennifer asked me to bring you to our house today,” my dad responded back. “Lydia and Alex aren’t going to be home until later tonight.”

“I’m 15; not 5,” Mollie pointed out as she rolled her eyes. “Just because she can’t trust her stepson being home alone doesn’t mean she can’t trust her sister–“

“What?!” I immediately shot up from my seat, completely shocked at what’s going on. “You told her?!” I yelled at my dad.

“I didn’t say anything,” my dad insisted, seeming just as confused as me. “Mollie, how do you know this?”

“Jennifer is bad at keeping secrets,” Mollie answered, leaning back in her seat. “When she’s upset, she’s like an open book.”

“Well tell your sister that she has no right telling you about my business!” I shouted directly at Mollie. “My god, are all the women in your family the same–“

“That’s enough, the both of you!” my dad shouted, hushing the both of us. “I am sick and tired of the both you constantly at each other’s heads. All you two do is fight; whether its outside of school or during class. I’m not asking you to make up, but I am demanding you fix it somehow.” I rolled my eyes and looked away from Mollie. What was there to fix? A friendship that was built on judgment and lies?

“First of all, Mollie, Jennifer has nothing to do with you staying with us for the night; your mom told her to tell me,” my dad then turned to face me. “Secondly, Milo, do not disrespect Jennifer or their family; at the end of the day, we are all considered family.”

“By law,” I scoffed, shuffling in my seat.

“By love,” my dad corrected. “The same love that you and Mollie used to have for each other before you guys got all grown and into the opposite sex.” My dad began to walk to his desk and gathered some of the papers on his desk. “I can’t tell you guys what to do; I can only hope you both do the right thing.” My dad picked up his bag and grabbed his keys from his desk. “Let’s go.” Mollie and I got up from our seats and began to walk out of the classroom, clearly not happy with the certain circumstances.

My dad opened the door to Jennifer’s studio room at the house, allowing both Mollie and I enter. It was weird being back in this room; I haven’t been in here since I got caught with Sophie in here. The mats on the corner of the room are still messed up from Sophie hiding there.

“Why are we down here?” Mollie was the first to ask. For once, I agreed with something that she said.

“We have painters upstairs,” my dad answered, putting his things down on top of the piano in the room. “Micah is in after school and the girls are with Jennifer t the studio.

“Why couldn’t I just go to the studio with her?” Mollie asked again. My dad turned around before heading towards the staircase at the back of the room.

“Because she hasn’t trusted you to go to the studio for actual dance rehearsals,” Milo responded back walking up the stairs. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. I grabbed my books from my bookbag, completely ignoring Mollie in the rehearsal room. She took out her phone and immediately started to text someone with her keyboard sound loud and clear. Every now and then between keyboard clicks, a new message notification sound would go off. It made Mollie laugh to herself, yet it annoyed the fuck out of me. I slammed my notebook on the ground and sighed loudly. That surely grabbed Mollie’s attention.

“What’s your problem?” Mollie asked, rolling her eyes afterward.

“I’m just trying to do my homework in peace,” I said as calm as possible. “Would it be possible if you just put your phone on silent mode?”

“Whatever,” Mollie said, switching her phone to silent. I went back to doing my homework, but it wasn’t shortly after that Mollie began laughing every 5 minutes. I threw my pen into my book, getting up from my seat.

“Just because you don’t give a shit about your studies, doesn’t mean everyone else around you doesn’t either,” I confronted Mollie.

“Oh please,” Mollie said, looking down at her phone. “You’re only worried that you daddy is gonna scold you if you don’t do your homework while you’re grounded…”

“You think you just know everything, huh?” I said, closing my notebook. “You think you have all the answers in the world, and that you got everything figured out–“

“Don’t blame me because you decided you wanted to be fast with your fake girlfriend,” Mollie pointed out, raising an eyebrow. “Like, really Milo? That’s low, even for you.”

“I don’t know what Jennifer told you, but clearly you heard things wrong,” I corrected Mollie, trying to gain back the narrative. “I didn’t do anything with Sophie–“

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Mr. “Making Out and Dry Humping”, Mollie laughed as she turned around in her seat. If there’s one thing I’m not going to tolerate it’s Mollie thinking she knew everything. I got up from where I was sitting and turned her chair around. She definitely didn’t like that. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

“The fuck is wrong with you?” I repeated back. “You’re so invested in what Sophie and I are doing; is Aaron not satisfying your needs anymore?” I mocked her, giving her a taste of her own medicine. “Can’t get it up or something?”

“Unlike you, Aaron respects me enough to take things slow,” Mollie rolled her eyes. “You, on the other hand, view Sophie as this piece of meat, you just are dying to try her out–“

“You don’t know shit, Mollie,” I spat back, walking away from her. “You swear that you have me figured out when in reality, you are just as clueless as you are with your actual relationship.” I turned around to look at Mollie in the face this time. “Why don’t you help your dual major boyfriend remember the correct notes in our music.”

“Like you’re the perfect vocalist,” Mollie commented. “From what I remember, you also didn’t hit the correct nots in quartets either.”

“That was because your stupid boyfriend kept throwing off the rest of our section,” I snapped back, feeling extremely defensive. “Like I said, you need to be helping him with his music so that he doesn’t ruin it for the rest of us–“

“You know what, Milo?” Mollie spun in her heat and shouted. “I don’t have to prove anything to you, and I don’t have to engage in your pathetic clapback just because you think you have the upper-hand in this situation. The fact of the matter is that you’re mad that I found out about your stupid fucking decision and are only mad because you know it was fucking stupid!”

“I’m mad because out of all of the people in this world, you think you are entitled enough to judge me when you’re in a relationship with a well-known womanizing asshole!”

“Don’t talk about him like that!” she shouted at me.

“Don’t talk about Sophie like that!” I spat back at her. At this point, my blood was boiling. It was confirmed long ago that Mollie and I can’t ever be friends; I wanted nothing more than for Mollie to get out of my face and out of my life for good. “Honestly, Mol; just got the fuck out of my face.”

“Fuck you, Milo,” Mollie hissed back, grabbing her things and walking towards the door of the rehearsal room. I sighed, watching her stomp with each step towards the door.

“Mol,” I began to say. She quickly turns around, visibly angry.

“I’m mad because you let Aaron and Sophie get in between pf our friendship. I was okay when you told me that you liked Sophie last year and for your sake I pushed how I felt about her to the side! But the way you feel about Aaron make you believe that because he doesn’t like you and you have some dual major competition beef with him, you think I dated him out of spite and completely disregarded my feelings for him. You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you on purpose. You know the only time I am spiteful is if I feel you’re being spiteful with me, and even then we would always work it out in the end–” I couldn’t let Mollie finish, because I already knew where this conversation was going.

“You’re not the saint in this situation,” I simply said, crossing my arms along my chest. “In fact, you hid your relationship with Aaron because even in the slightest way, you were doing it out of spite. You knew that I thought he was a bad person; you’ve been in our classes when he literally called me out in front of the whole vocal ensemble! Even in the timespan you began to date him, you never stopped him from bullying me or supported me when my dual major status was suspended because of him. Yeah, we both fucked up, but let’s be honest about the true nature of this situation.” Mollie put her hands on her face, taking a deep breath before looking back up. She seemed tired.

“You know, just put the blame on me,” Mollie concluded. “Just tell everyone that I’m the reason why our friendship didn’t work out. I’ve exhausted nearly every single thing, and we’re still talking in circles about this dumb shit.” Mollie shook her head and began to open the front door. “Think whatever you want to think. I don’t give a shit anymore.” She closed the door behind her as she left. I thought I would feel better knowing Mollie finally apologized for something, but I didn’t feel good afterward. She seemed like she was truly done with our friendship; she didn’t want to talk things out or fight for our friendship; she just seemed like our friendship wasn’t worth it to at least try to get over our differences. She just seemed like she didn’t want to care anymore.

And maybe that was enough for me to also just stopped caring. Maybe we weren’t meant to stay best friends as we got older. Maybe we were now the type of people to each other that we didn’t want in our lives anymore.

Maybe this is truly it.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #29: Conflict of Dual Interest.

liz

The bell rings at Waverly High and the students begin to go to their next class of the day. Milo takes out a huge binder from his locker; Jennifer looks at the binder in shock.

Jennifer: Dude, do they have you guys playing The Ten Commandments or something?

Milo: *confused* The Ten Commandments is not a piece of music; you do know that, right?

Jennifer: Well your binder looks as big as the book itself.

Nicki: *intervenes* Pep, The Ten Commandments is roughly about 210 pages; perhaps you are talking about Tolstoy’s War And Peace?

Jennifer: *confused* Toy Story?

Nicki: *disbelief* Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace…

Jennifer doesn’t seem to understand; Nicki sighs and looks at Milo, pointing at the binder.

Nicki: Is that binder all for one class, Milo?

Milo: It’s my dual major binder. I don’t bother carrying it around anymore because it’s literally like walking with a brick inside my bookbag.

Jennifer: Why don’t you just have two separate binders for each major?

Milo: Because I never know if I’m going to need both pieces of music for a rehearsal!

Jennifer rolls her eyes and Nicki takes out her binder from her locker; it’s noticeably smaller than Milo’s.

Jennifer: That is a reasonable sized binder; look what you could be potentially be bringing to your band class compared to the cinderblock you currently have.

Milo: *deadpans* Haha.

The bell rings and the friends say their goodbyes; Nicki and Milo walk to the band room at the end of the hall.

Nicki: I’m glad to see you and Pep on good terms after all this time.

Milo: Yeah, you know how I feel about Pep. I don’t like being mad at her for too long.

Nicki stops mid-walk; Milo follows.

Nicki: Don’t let that cloud your judgment either, Milo.

Milo: Whatcha mean?

Nicki: I mean don’t be so intense when it comes to Pep. You already know that she’s gonna do whatever she pleases and you can’t let that mess up your mood or your friendship with her.

Milo: *sighs* I know, Nic. I just wish sometimes she had better judgment so that I’m not out here running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Nicki: Be her friend, Milo, not her guardian.

Milo: Easier said than done, Nicki.

Nicki: I’m just saying that Pep is never going to change her ways; you of all people should know this.

Both teens walk into the band room as their bandmates get ready for the period to start. Milo glances over to Gwen; he waves at her as she waves back. Nicki observes the two.

Nicki: You and Gwen are friends?

Milo: *nervous* Uhm… yeah, we both recognized each other from band when we were put into the same Biology class too.

Nicki: Oh. That’s… interesting.

Milo turns his head to now look at Nicki; confused.

Milo: What?

Nicki: Nothing, it’s just that she’s… not a girl any of the freshman would be in classes with. She’s the smartest person in our grade.

Milo: *annoyed* What’s that suppose to mean?

Nicki: Exactly what I meant; you’re probably in the wrong Biology class if you’re taking it with her.

Milo rolled her eyes as the two teens went to their sections of the class. Milo sits next to Gwen, again smiling at her.

Milo: Nice hat, Gwen.

Gwen: Thanks; the fluffy scrunchie adds some volume to your hair.

Gwen laughs as she teases Milo.

Milo: How’s your day been so far?

Gwen: Well, I have a midterm in my Math B class tomorrow and the review was… unendurable, to say the least.

Milo: Sheesh, Math B sounds like it’s no joke–

Gwen: *teases* You can borrow my notes when it’s your turn to take it.

Milo: At least I know I’ll pass.

Gwen rolled her eyes and shook her head.

Milo: Whatcha doing after school today? Well, besides studying for your midterm.

Gwen: Well, something tells me you’re looking to hang before I drown myself in my studies.

Milo smiles at Gwen’s cheeky remark. The teacher quiets the class down before he starts his class.

Mr. Harrison: Good afternoon, everyone. Before we start today’s class, please remember to have your permission slips for the philharmonic performance no longer than Friday. We are leaving for the performance the following morning and will not be taking anyone with a permission slip in their hands the day of.

Milo looks at Gwen, focusing on what the teacher is talking about. Milo decided to do the same.

Mr. Harrison: Of course, you are not obligated to participate in this performance. As a freshman class, you are allowed one show that you choose to not attend; only one. If you are thinking about not attending, come see me after class.

Milo: *to Gwen; whispers* You’re gonna go?

Gwen nods her head.

Gwen: I already gave Mr. Harrison my permission slip.

Milo cocks his eyebrows up, surprised that Gwen is on top of things. He looks at his unsigned permission slip still in his binder.

Mr. Harrison: Those who are dual majors; this is your reminder that you must be present for today’s rehearsal after school with the vocal program.

Milo sighed as he writes a reminder down in his notebook. Gwen notices.

Gwen: Dual major duty calls.

Milo: Of course when I finally decide to make plans after school…

Gwen tussles Milo’s hair.

Gwen: You have to do what you have to do. We can reschedule for another day.

Milo turns around to look at Gwen. She reassures him with a smile. He returns the smile. Looking from the back of the classroom, Nicki notices the two teen’s banter.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Milo’s Skeletons in The Vocal Room: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t stay awake today in school. I haven’t been able to stay asleep through the night, especially after everything that happened in the studio with Aaron a couple of weeks ago.

“We’re okay, Mols?” Aaron stopped and asked me after closing the studio door shut. I faintly flashed a smile, hoping that was enough for him to drop the conversation. Aaron returned the smile back; he either didn’t want to get into it with me, or he really thought I was alright. Either way, he kissed me gently on the top of my hand, the opposite of what happened inside the studio not too long ago.

“I love you, you know that right?” Aaron said after kissing my hand. I nodded my head.

“I love you too,” I said to Aaron.

“Mols? Mollie? Mollie Sue?”

“Mollie Sue Castro?” I heard a voice shout out. I looked up, noticing everyone in my class look at me. I looked up at the teacher who’s looking at me. Fuck.

…

During passing, I opened my locker and looked at myself through my compact mirror. I look horrible today. I reached into my makeup bag to put some sort of color on my face when I heard someone call my name.

“Hey Mollie,” Ronnie walked over to me and said. She looks at the little bag in my hand. “Touching up your lip gloss after a make out session?”

“Shut up, Ron,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I didn’t even see Aaron today.”

“You guys good?” Ronnie asked, clearly concerned. “You guys are inseparable.”

“I just didn’t see him today, okay?” I said, now looking at Ronnie. “Maybe he’s not in school today.”

“He was in band class today,” Ronnie commented. “The first time in forever it seems like…” I put my makeup back in my bag and shoved it into my locker. I grabbed my binder for my vocal class and shut my locker closed.

“I don’t have time for your condescending conversation,” I said to Ronnie. “I get it enough from Milo; I don’t need another person doing that shit.”

“Yet you and Milo are still friends,” Ronnie pointed out, rolling her eyes.

“We’re not friends,” I said to Ronnie for what seemed like the 1,000th time. “My dumb older sister is married to his dad.”

“But you still allow his words to get to you,” Ronnie emphasized. “You’re not obligated to ever talk to him just because your family and his are connected.” The bell began to ring, which meant it was time to start the next class. I don’t respond to Ronnie; I walked away from her and my locker with my binder to go to my last class of the room.

My locker wasn’t too far from the vocal room, so I ended up being one of the first to get there… of course when I’m not hanging out with Aaron. I walked into the room to see Mr. Kamalani at his desk. He looks up before looking down again at the papers in front of his desk.

“Good Afternoon, Ms. Castro,” he greeted me.

“Hi,” I simply said, walking to my seat to drop my binder on the desk. I turned around with my bag and coat, walking to the closet to hang my things up. Mr. Kamalani had everyone in his class put their things in the closet when it was time for a serious rehearsal; he ran rehearsal time like it was boot camp at times. But, there’s a method to his madness.

I walked into the closet to hang up my things when I heard Mr. Kamalani greet another student; this time, it was Milo.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Kamalani,” he said. I heard Milo’s voice speak afterwards.

“Whatever,” Milo responded back.

“It’s just another day of class, Milo,” Mr. Kamalani said. This was the first time I heard him call Milo by his first name in class.

“Did you know I was on my way because of the AirTag or something?” Milo said.

“No, I trust you to do the right thing while you’re in school,” Mr. Kamalani responded back. “Just how I trust that you went to the West Wing today to actually practice your music.”

“What else would I have done there?” Milo asked.

“Meet up with Sophie, as you always do,” Mr. Kamalani said in a nonchalant way. I didn’t hear Milo say anything back. “I can’t look after everything little thing you do.”

“I wasn’t with Sophie,” Milo said back.

“I’m not fighting with you about this, Milo,” Mr. Kamalani said in a stern voice. “You’re bound to make your own decisions; just know that you’re making poor ones after what happened with Sophie back at the house.” I scrunched my eyebrows, curious to what they were talking about. What happened between Milo and Sophie?

“Thanks to you and Jennifer, she’s terrified to even be seen with me,” Milo spat back. Jennifer?

“You both shouldn’t have been alone in the house when we were there; you know I cannot control Jennifer and what she says,” Mr. Kamalani said back.

“We were there to practice!” Milo shouted out.

“Milo Kamalani, I am not about to have this conversation with you again; especially at school,” Mr. Kamalani nearly whispered once the second bell rang. “The fact of the matter is we found you and Sophie in the studio, making out with barely nothing on. You can’t be upset if our eyes are on you and Sophie now.” My eyes widened as I listened to the conversation. Milo and Sophie… did it?

I didn’t know what to feel after hearing their conversation. It made me upset in a way; the Milo I knew wouldn’t have done something so stupid for a girl. But, this was Sophie, and I knew that Sophie has always been bad news. Milo wouldn’t be the person he is today if Sophie didn’t get to him. I snapped out of it once I started to hear more of our choir mates walk into the classroom. I ran back to my bag and coat and blended in with everyone else coming into the closet. From the side of my eye, I see Milo walk into the closet, hanging his coat and bag on one of the hooks.

“I need everyone out and in their position in 5 minutes,” Mr. Kamalani shouted inside the closet. I looked over to Milo, clearly upset with the conversation he just had with his dad. I couldn’t help but just look at Milo. Is this who he truly was? Is this the person I called my best friend for all these years? How could Milo accuse me of doing things with Aaron as he was doing them with Sophie this whole time? He lost his virginity before I did, and with a person he can’t even call his girlfriend.

I simply walked past him, looking away as if I didn’t just witness Milo’s skeletons being pulled out from the vocal classroom.