Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 7: A Voiceless Rant, December 2024 Edition.

liz

Another year, another yearly update of one of the first “overexposed”-esque like series, The Voiceless Rant.

I think I say this every year, but I can’t believe just how far we’ve come from feeling like my thoughts and feelings were just “voiceless rants” whenever I would speak. I guess they turned into “overexposed” posts once I realized that I needed to believe what I was writing (and saying) before anyone else was going to believe it.

Anyway, let’s get right into it.

It’s truly crazy to think that this time 10 years ago, I was a junior in college wrapping up my fall semester writing a script of a short film for my final project in my screenwriting class. It came to me as if it was second nature, especially these were characters I’ve played around with for many years before. Although it has been more recent since I started writing my stories into series here on the blog, I always found people listening to me whenever I told my stories. I have a distinct memory being in the 8th grade, talking to my best friend on AIM about a story of a group of teens that were friends, kinda like the one we were both a part of at the time. I wish I saved those conversations just to reread the stories I told of my characters; God knows how cringey they would seem to me now.

But creative writing has always been my “star of the show”, meaning I was never great with my own words but when it was telling fictional stories and writing poetry, everyone would listen. Does that naturally come to writers? Sometimes I really do sit back and ask myself, “when did I decide that being a writer was now a part of my identity?”

Maybe it was when I was in the 5th grade, doodling in different notebooks of the characters that lived in my imagination, telling their stories through drawings and storyboards and actually acting them out as I went along. Maybe it was int the 6th grade, writing a poem in the schoolyard during lunch about a boy I had a crush on and read it to a group of girls who were also into writing poems. Maybe it was in the 8th grade, reciting a poem I created for our Ballroom dancing event that everyone applaud for and told me how good the poem was to them. Maybe it was during my sophomore year in college when I wrote a piece about the most traumatic event in my life up to that point, shared it, and received the validation I yearned for when trying to tell my side of the story.

Maybe it was my first year in grad school, contemplating whether or not I should start a blog to post my writings on.

I don’t remember exactly when my identity as a writer truly started, but it has been such a long and tiresome journey to be where I’m at with it. I grew up thinking that if I didn’t write for a living and make money off from it, then I wasn’t a real writer or storyteller. I grew up and surrounded myself with other writers and always felt like their stories were just better told than mine, which meant that no one really wanted to listen to what I wrote, even if those writings were a sequence of poems of me contemplating suicide for months on end when I was 18. I grew up with people telling me I wasn’t qualified to be a writer because I was horrible at it. That mindset made me almost fail my first semester English course because I lost my passion for it briefly during this time.

But that’s just a lot of the obstacles needed to be where I’m at and feel okay about it as well. Fr starters, I’m not an upcoming author with books waiting to be published and a saga waiting to be made into feature-length movies. I’m not even in the world of writing as a career! I’ve come to terms that writing is more of an outlet for me. It’s become a space where I can speak out and talk about things I would normally keep to myself at my 9 to 5. It’s become my space; one that I am solely in by myself but have ceiling to floor glass windows looking into it. I love sharing my writing and I love being able to tell the stories of these characters in a more expressive and organized way. Before 2020, they lived in my head for decades!

Being a writer to me just means that I value the words I write more than I can speak them. I am able to filter out the filler of a sentence and think about what is it that I’m truly trying to say without feeling vulnerable and put on the spot. I am able to edit and revise and make the words sound better by focusing where in the story the most emphasis should be on, and I am able to get out of my own head for a couple of minutes and become Grace or Jamie, Milo, Sophie, or Mollie, Micah or Rosie, Milo or Jennifer, or everyone else in between in my writing. After all this time with these characters and these stories and being a writer for over a decade, I am still so in love with it.

And I guess that’s what being a writer means to me. I write because it’s truly my best voice. I write because its stayed my passion for so many years and I still get so excited to sit down and write. As for LFL posts, I’m excited to see where the future of these stories being told. As you may know, The Something Series is coming down to its last couple of posts before the series finale early next year. This was a series I started all the way back in 2020, so when it finally comes to an end, I am going to be devastated to leave that particular universe. But, I am ready to say goodbye to these two and allow their story be told outside of the series. I’m excited to devote more energy to the other series going strong on the blog, preferably y2katalogue: the tapes. There’s so much left in store with all of these characters and their stories, so please stay tuned to them and I really hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

I love being a writer. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world; honestly.

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 6: The Unusual & Uncertain Somethings: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

It was now dark by the time I got back to my apartment. I was exhausted from the hike earlier today, but don’t regret that it happened. I would have never thought that Grace and I would ever hang out again in this lifetime after everything that we’ve been through. Something has definitely changed with Grace since seeing her last in California. She feels like she’s been on this journey of healing; maybe that is happening as she lives out her dream being a a part of this production, but maybe she’s just learning to forgive her past self and the decisions they once made. It was calming to spend the day with Grace. It always was.

I entered my apartment and noticed the kitchen light was on. I didn’t remember leaving it on when I left, which made me nervous. Before I was able to grab something to protect myself with, I let out a deep breath once I realized it was Haram.

“Haram,” I began to say as I put my stuff on the couch. “What are you doing here?”

“Did you forget already?” Haram asked me. She seemed frustrated about something. “You wouldn’t have if you answered your phone when I called you.”

“I didn’t have cell service,” I said, trying to explain myself. “I went hiking earlier and–“

“You were suppose to be back in time to have dinner with my sister’s family tonight,” Haram crossed her arms as she explained. “I told her you had to work late today after having to try reaching you for the 7th time.”

“Ya,” I sighed, feeling guilty. “I’m so sorry. The time just slipped away from me and–“

“You should’ve answered your phone, Jaemin,” Haram spat out, seeming frustrated. “If you knew you couldn’t make it, then you should’ve called me and we could’ve rescheduled.” She turned around and walked towards the kitchen. I sighed as I walked toward her, hugging her from behind.

“Jagiaya,” I said as I rested my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I am. Today was just a weird day and my head really wasn’t on straight.” Haram finally sighed before turning around, now facing me.

“I know,” Haram said before she began playing with the seem of my sleeve. “It’s part of the reason why I wanted us to go out. Take some time to live in the present–“

“I’m not living in the past,” I said in a defensive way. “You just don’t forget the anniversary of the day that a parent passed away.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Haram began to explain, growing more frustrated. “I meant that I wanted to make sure today can also have happy and positive memories attached to it. I’m not saying you have to forget about your father when doing that.” I scrunched my eyebrows as Haram further explained her reasoning. I was annoyed that Haram would want to take today and make it about herself. I know she doesn’t mean any harm in it, but it felt insensitive considering that today hasn’t ever been easy for me to go through for the past 7 years. She wanted to make something sad into a positive thing, but she couldn’t understand what it felt like to be in my position.

“We will reschedule with your sister and her family,” I reassured her, feeling too tired to continue this conversation. “Are you staying for the night?”

“I can’t,” Haram sighed as she answered, walking away from my reach to gather her stuff. “I have to be up early for work tomorrow.” I nodded my head, understanding the circumstances. Because of it, I felt like Haram hardly ever stayed the night for me.

“You want me to drive you back to your place?” I asked.

“Ya, it wouldn’t make sure if you drove my car to drop me off,” Haram reasoned with me, smiling. “I’ll let you know when I get in, okay?” I nodded as Haram kissed me on the cheek. She grabbed her things and walked out of my front door. Once the door closed behind her, the smile vanished. I sighed, plopping down on my couch not knowing what to do next. Nights like this were common for me; sitting in my apartment in silence until it was time to go to bed. When I was in my program in law school, the silence helped me focus on my work. As I older, I didn’t realize just how much my time being a lawyer isolated me from the rest of the world. Did Grace feel like this when she was one?

I couldn’t help but think about my hike today with Grace. Conversations with Grace were never easy after leaving New York, but this one felt different. Although I was on this hike in honor if my father, it was unusual that I barely thought about him on it. The years that came before, every hike was a constant reminder of him and I being on this exact road. I’m uncertain if this was Haram’s goal for us today, but just going on the hike with someone for a change in the 7 years made the sad memory into a positive one.

Or maybe I’m just reading too much into it; I am uncertain about that as well.

Before I was able to get too much deep into thought, my phone vibrated next to me. I looked down and noticed it was Shawn.

“Ya,” I answered the phone, curious to know why he was calling me at this time. “I just got in, don’t tell me you need a ride or–“

“Ha ha,” Shawn interrupted before he sighed. “Did you speak to Haram?”

“Yeah,” I said, confused. “She just left to go back home.”

“Hyung, she was trying to get in touch with you all day,” Shawn started to explain. “She thought that maybe you were with me or something.”

“I was in Taehwagang,” I explained as got up from the couch. “You know I always go there for my hike and I forgot Haram had plans for us to go to her sister’s family house.”

“She seemed upset,” Shawn added. “I feel like she’s always upset with you about something these days.”

“Haram and I are just in a trivial phase of our relationship,” I began to explain as I turned on the stove to boil a pot of water. “She’s looking to take things to the next level, but–“

“Hyung, I thought you were ready to be in a relationship,” Shawn further interrupted me. “I thought you moved on–“

“I did,” I quickly defended myself, getting annoyed. “Nobody is holding me back from being in one.”

“When was the last time you actually went on a date with Haram?” Shawn questioned me. I was confused in why this mattered so much to him. It was unusual for Shawn to care.

“Since when are you so invested in my relationship with Haram?” I questioned back. “Did Haram say something to you?” Shawn immediately goes silent over the phone. Did Haram really confined in one of my closest friends? “Shawn?”

“All I’m saying is don’t let your past cloud your judgement on your present,” Shawn answered cryptically. “Haram just wants you to be her boyfriend, Hyung.”

“Thanks for the advice,” I spat back, growing annoyed. “Next time my girlfriend decides to confine in you when she’s upset with me, remember to tell her to talk to me first before going to you.” I hung up the phone, feeling exposed and embarrassed. I didn’t understand why Haram would go to Shawn to talk about me. Did she give up trying to talk to me and thought going to Shawn would make it better? Was I really that absent from our relationship? I was uncertain that was the reason. Haram can always talk to me if she has any issues with our relationship…

But it would be unusual for her to do that, and I was uncertain if maybe she felt like she couldn’t. It was typical for me to be in a situation like this; that I’m certain of.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 5: Tape #33: Old Friend Meets New Friend.

liz

Jennifer and Milo walk down the street after school. Jennifer is seemingly in a better mood than earlier. Jennifer walks ahead of Milo, ultimately walking backwards to face Milo. He carries his instrument case on his back while also carrying Jennifer’s large tote bag of school books.

Milo: Pep, you really can’t go through this bag and empty some shit out of it?

Jennifer: Everything in that bag is something that I need in there! I have music binder, change of clothes for dance practice, my roller skates–

Milo: *shocked* You have your roller skates in here?

Jennifer: Where else would I put them?

Milo laughs and shakes his head as they continue to walk down the street.

Jennifer: Thanks for going to the pizza place with me today. It’s good to know that the pizza place is one thing that hasn’t changed in my life. you know?

Milo: I get it, but always remember that nothing is ever going to change with us.

Jennifer smiles as they continue to walk to the pizza place. Once they get to the front of the store, Milo’s relaxed expression vanishes from his face. He’s shocked at who he sees sitting in the pizza place: Gwen. She immediately sees him when he walks in.

Milo: Gwen… hey…

Gwen looks at Jennifer before he looks over at Milo. Milo clears his throat and looks at Jennifer.

Milo: Uhm, you guys met before, right?

Gwen looks at Jennifer and smiles; Jennifer does the same in a fake way.

Gwen: Yeah, back at your show a couple of weeks ago. *to Jennifer* you have such an good voice.

Jennifer: Thanks.

Milo clears his throat before speaking.

Milo: *to Gwen* So, what brings you here?

Gwen looks at Milo; confused at the question.

Gwen: I… uhm, really wanted to get a slice of pizza before my violin practice…

Milo looks at Gwen and nods before turning his head to look at Jennifer.

Milo: We’re here for a slice as well; do you want to… uhm… sit with us at our table?

Jennifer looks at Milo; not interested in having new people sit at their table.

Gwen: *surprised* Oh, are you sure? I uhm…

She looks at Jennifer before she looks back at Milo.

Gwen: Don’t want to intervene with your plans.

Milo: No, no it’s fine; right Pep?

Jennifer: *fake smiles* The more, the merrier.

Gwen nervously looks at Jennifer as she speaks and immediately looks at Milo. The three teens walk over to their usual table near the window. Gwen sits on one side of the booth while Milo and Jennifer sit at the other side. There’s an award silence happening. Jennifer smiles and starts up the conversation.

Jennifer: *to Gwen* So… you also play the violin, huh?

Gwen: *nods* I do. Milo and I have been practicing our pieces for the showcase coming up.

Jennifer: *raises eyebrow* Oh? *looks at Milo* Is that so?

Milo: *shy* Not always; I help those who need it.

Gwen scrunches her eyebrows together, confused at Milo’s statement.

Milo: *clears throat, looks at Jennifer* The strings section has a lot of issues when it comes to getting the chords correct, so I tend to help out and stuff.

Jennifer: Oh… How nice of you to help out your string-mates… *to Gwen* Milo’s a great person to learn from. He’s a dual major.

Gwen: So he’s mentioned to me before.

Jennifer isn’t fond of Gwen’s snappy response.

Jennifer: Our vocal choir doesn’t have tutoring sessions like that. We’re expected to know our music once we learn the whole thing from our teacher.

Gwen looks at Milo; his face is flushed.

Jennifer: Right, Milo?

Milo: Uhm… right.

Gwen shifts in her seat; uncomfortable.

Milo: *to Gwen* Did you go to the West Wing for practice?

Jennifer: *intervenes* The West Wing?

Milo: Yeah, the area where–

Jennifer: –No, no; I know what you’re talking about. I just didn’t think people used those rooms for actual practice.

Jennifer nudges her elbow at Milo, making him visibly uncomfortable.

Jennifer: Remember when Gregg got caught making out with that girl in the west wing rooms? *laughs* I thought they closed them off because of that incident.

Milo: Pep…

Jennifer: I would not want to be the one practicing in those rooms; I’m better off using the acoustics in the girl’s bathroom.

Jennifer laughs and sighs once she’s done.

Jennifer: Anyway, enough about those gross rehearsal rooms…

Gwen: *begins to get up* I have to get going; I promised my mom I’d be home for dinner on time today, so–

Milo looks up at Gwen, feeling guilty and embarrassed.

Jennifer: After just having pizza?

Gwen: My parents are big on all of us having dinner together.

Gwen quickly gathers her things an begins to slide out of the booth.

Milo: Gwen–

Gwen: *turns around* It was nice meeting you officially.

Gwent turns around to leave, making Milo jump out of his seat in the booth.

Milo: Gwen–

Jennifer: Milo?

Milo quickly turns around and looks at Jennifer. She looks at Milo with a confused look on her face. Milo tries to play it off by sitting in the seat where Gwen was.

Jennifer: Dude, are all your bandmates that weird?

Milo: *sighs* Come on, Pep…

Jennifer laughs off the weird conversation and takes a bite of her slice.

Jennifer: I’m just saying, you should start hanging out with the vocal heads instead of your band geeks… besides Nicki, she’s the only exception.

Milo: *lighthearted* Good save; you know I would’ve told Nic you called her a band geek.

Jennifer: Dude, I had to talk her out of making her AIM screen name “thatbandg33k”!

Both teens laugh; Milo looks out the pizza parlor’s window, watching Gwen walk down the long block by herself. The smile fades away.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 4: Sophiolo Leeganini: A Milo Monolgue.

liz

“Hey, Scout,” I greeted Sophie as she walked down the street. She had a smile on her face; I was glad that she was in a good mood today. “Ready for today’s performance?” She nervously sighed before she answered me.

“Another performance, another chance to perfect this solo part in the piece,” Sophie said, adjusting the strap of her instrument case. Without even realizing, I take Sophie’s case off of her shoulder and put it on mine. To my surprise, Sophie doesn’t protest, allowing me to carry her case for her. The rest of the ensemble began to gather in front of the school, including Aaron. He didn’t say anything to anyone; he stood there on his phone, as usual. Shortly after, Mr. Harrison calls out to us, getting our attention.

“Alright everyone, quiet down,” Mr. Harrison shouts out. Everyone stops talking facing him now as they listened. “I want everyone on their best behavior before, during, and after our performance today. This isn’t a place where you should be messing around; this is Julliard, and some of you might even be students here in the future. So please, present yourself with dignity and class, as that’s always expected of you.” Once Mr. Harrison stops talking, the doors to the school bus open, and we begin to line up to get on. To my surprise, Sophie grabs me by my hand, guiding me with her toward the bus. We finally get on the bus and she picks a seat to sit in; it was second nature to just sit next to her at this point. Again, Sophie didn’t protest or react to me doing so.

For the majority of the bus ride, Sophie and I didn’t speak much. We both glanced out the window, watching the other cars and trucks pass us by on the highway. The leaves on the trees were starting to appear, indicating that Spring was starting soon. Normally, I didn’t notice these type of things happen. It was pretty, to say the least.

…

“Alright class, 30 minutes we are performing,” Mr. Harrison walked into the boys dressing room. “I need you guys dressed and lined up when it’s time, okay?” The boys responded, agreeing with Mr. Harrison’s instructions. I sit down in my seat as I finished tying my dress shoes and started to try to put on my bowtie. I was glad that my father told me early on that I needed to learn how to tie my own bowtie if I was going to get through performances at Waverly as smooth as possible. He showed me time and time again how to do it; sure it was annoying at first to have to learn something I didn’t need at that time, but in times like this, I’m glad that he did.

I looked up once I was done and immediately noticed Aaron at one of the mirrors, struggling with his bowtie. I rolled my eyes, trying to ignore him. For some strange reason, I couldn’t. I sighed as I walked up to Aaron. He immediately turned around and on guard.

“What do you want?” Aaron asked in an uninviting way.

“Your bowtie,” I pointed at it, which makes him look down at it. “You didn’t properly tie it. It’s going to come loose as soon as you adjust it on your neck.” He doesn’t say anything back to me, he just rolls his eyes at me as he yanked the bowtie off of his neck. “Yo, Mr. Harrison,” Aaron said as he walked away from me. I didn’t blame him for just walking away like that; why would he ever think I was helping him out in any way possible? A part of me wanted to be the bigger person. A part of me wanted to see the good in Aaron for Mollie’s sake. I wanted to understand what in the world did she see in this guy, but I know that it wasn’t realistic considering everything that happened up to this point. Maybe I just don’t care to hold on to the hate anymore.

The boys were now being told to go into the hallway to line up; to my surprise, I saw Sophie lined up with the rest of the girls in the ensemble. I couldn’t help but stare at Sophie; she was wearing this black dress with black flats. Her hair was clipped back away from her face. She looked so pretty.

She turned around and spotted me, smiling once she did. She kept looking at me, raising an eyebrow.

“Hi, James Bond,” she teased as she giggled. So cute. “You’re dressed ready to fight crime in London.”

“The bow tie makes it more official,” I said, wiggling the tie on my neck. “You look like you’re about to rip the craziest violin solo in a couple of minutes.”

“I’m no Niccolo Paganini,” she replied, sighing her nerves away. Niccolo Paganini is known as the world’s most famous violinist as I just recently learned from Sophie when she sent me a picture of a poster of him. Most girls my age have posters of boy bands on their wall; Sophie has dead musicians from the classical period.

“You’re gonna do great, Scout,” I reassured her, smiling. “You’ve performed this solo a bunch of times and could probably do it in your sleep.” Sophie laughed, appreciating the pep talk before the show. Mr. Harrison begins to walk us toward the backstage of the venue, lining us up in two rows. I stand next to Sophie as she looks towards the stage. She looks nervous, I can tell by the way she began to fidget with her fingers. I gently grabbed her left hand, squeezing it tight to let her know that she is going to be okay. She looked at me and smiled; she knew exactly what I was trying to tell her.

“Give a round of applause to The Waverly High Elite Ensemble,” the announcer presented as we began to walk on the stage. The audience clapped as we got on the stage and positioned in our spots. As I got adjusted in my spot, I looked at Sophie a couple of rows down towards the front. She turned around and smiled at me before she faced forward, sitting down with her violin in her hand. We all prepared ourselves for the first song; it as the easiest song out of the set we were doing and allowed me some time to really take in the experience. The lights were nearly blinding us the way they were pointed at the stage, but I was able to still see the rows of people watching us perform. I couldn’t help but watch Sophie for most of our performances; she was professional and focused in on her music. She didn’t even seem to be nervous at this point.

It was now time for the strings section to play their song; my eyes were immediately locked on Sophie. The piece starts off strong and turns whimsical in the middle, sounding like an opening to an epic movie adaption of a musical. The accompanying choir begins to sing in unison to the music being played. In the middle of the song, Sophie stands up to start her solo. I want to do nothing more but to shout her name and cheer her on. I hold myself back as much as possible, but once she plays the first measure of her solo, I find myself not being able to hold back. I shouted for Sophie as she played; I couldn’t see her face, but I saw the smile appear on her face as her cheek expanded across the base of the violin.

Unbiasedly, she was the best violinist in her section. She was always so quick to learning new music and she always found a way to play the notes the way they were meant to be played. Sophie told a story with her music, and sometimes it was the only way to see how she truly was feeling. Today, she played the piece in a melancholy way. She put more vibrato on the long notes, making them sound eerie in the minor key. It was haunting but too beautiful to look away. Too beautiful to not want to look at Sophie in her element.

Before I realized it, the rest of the ensemble was getting ready to continue with the end of the song. I quickly picked up my drum sticks, preparing for the big finale piece. Needless to say, our performance was one of the best we’ve had in a long time, and the strings section definitely outshined the rest of the us, which I credit to Sophie’s angelic solo.

Once we were exited off the stage after our performance, I waited for Sophie’s line to enter the backstage area. Once I spotted Sophie entering the area, I couldn’t help but give her a huge hug.

“You were amazing out here,” I said with the biggest smile on my face. Sophie let out a sigh of relief; I could relate.

“I felt like I hit every note on the nail,” Sophie recalled. She seemed happy. She was smiling as if she was happy with what she did up there. She deserves to be happy; she’s worked so hard to be here today.

“You really lead the strings to a victory today,” I said wholeheartedly. “Seriously, like I don’t think I ever heard so many people cheer for you guys the way they did out here. You’re turning heads, Sophiolo Leeganini.” Sophie was shocked, widening her eyes as she started to laugh.

“I’m sorry, what?” Sophie laughed as she asked. She knew exactly what I was playing at. “Did you just–“

“You act as if you’re so surprised,” I teased Sophie before she nudged me on my shoulder. I laughed and I smiled; something I felt like Sophie and I haven’t done in a while ever since my birthday. This trip was therapeutic in a way; it helped us put focus back on the things that enhanced our connection: music. For the first time in awhile, things didn’t feel complicated, despite the sacrifices that we made in order for us to have a moment like this. My dad would have a fit if he found out most of my day was spent with the person he wants me to avoid at all cost.

It was now dark once we both got back into Brooklyn. I knew I should’ve went straight home after the show considering my dad had my location on. I knew I should’ve went my separate way to make it home on time, but something in me refused to let Sophie walk home in the dark. I think she appreciated it as well; she held my hand as we walked slowly down the block.

“Today was super fun,” Sophie finally said out loud. “I needed a day like today.”

“I was thinking of the same thing,” I said. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that thought the same thing.

“Are you going to hear it from your dad when you get home?” she asked. Sophie always went straight to the point with things that were on her mind.

“Probably,” I began to say. “But this was something for my dual major, so he only ever cares about me doing that-” Sophie stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and let go of my hand. I looked down at her, wondering what was wrong. “What?”

“Why do you think your dad only cares about your dual major status?” she asked me. Not this conversation again.

“Because he was one, as I explained to you in the past,” I snapped back, annoyed that she would bring this up again.

“So what? My father was a violinist and he didn’t push me to become one as well.” she debated.

“Yet you’re a violinist, just how he was,” I added, looking at Sophie. “Don’t you see that we started doing these things and fell in love with these things because our parents forced them on us?” Sophie looked confused.

“Do you not love what you do? Sophie asked. “Do you feel like your dad forced you into it?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” I fought back, trying my best to clarify what I mean. “I love music, and that’s never going to change, but music is also my entire being. I’m allowed to be human and do things that go against my passion for music.”

“Like what?” Sophie asked.

“Like kissing you when we’re suppose to be rehearsing,” I smiled, teasing Sophie. Her face immediately gets red from blushing. Sophie starts to walk down the block once more; of course, I follow right back her. “Like spending time with you at the pizza place after school without talking about music.” I added as Sophie rolled her eyes and smiled, which made me feel relieved.

“I’m serious, Milo,” Sophie said, going back to the subject. “Not to sound like your dad, but being a dual major is a pristine status. Do you know that the majority of incoming students at Julliard are the dual major students at Waverly?” Julliard? Where did that come from? I scrunched my eyebrows slightly, wondering how this became a part of the conversation. We are only freshmen; why are we talking about colleges?

I know academics were an important part of Sophie’s school life; she’s easily one of the smartest people in our grade. It wasn’t surprising that she’s already thinking about colleges, but I didn’t think she was actually thinking about the college we were just performing at. Only those interested in attending Julliard looks up their requirements so early in the process.

“That might be true, but I don’t want my dual major status to consume me,” I admitted. “I still want to be a regular teenager and feel regular teenager things–“

“Like what?” Sophie asked again; this time in a more playful way.

“Like… liking this cute little violinist in our class,” I flirted, looking at Sophie. This time, she was ready for it.

“Bummer,” Sophie began to say. “She must be a really lucky girl.” I couldn’t help but smile and kiss her. It was short lived, and nothing would prepare me for what would come next.

“Soojin!” I hear an older woman call out. For a slight moment, I was confused; Sophie’s change in demeanor said everything that I needed to know. I turned around and saw Sophie’s mom walking down the steps of the stoop, grabbing her by her instrument case.

“Whoa, wait!” I shouted, feeling protective over Sophie. “You can’t just–“

“Leave,” Mrs. Lee said in a cold tone. “Now!”

“Mum–” Sophie tried to intervene.

“Ya! Get inside of the house now!” she said at Sophie, and Sophie doesn’t fight back. Mrs. Lee turns around and looks at me straight in the face. If looks can kill.

“Mrs. Lee, it’s not her fault that she’s late,” I tried to ease the conversation, but there was no use in trying. Her mom already had her mind made.

“Stay away from my daughter,” she spat out. “You have been nothing but a bad influence to her.” I didn’t know what else to say to Sophie’s mom. All I could see is Sophie panicking near her front door. Her mom turned around and walked back towards the house.

“Mum–” Sophie tried to say once again, but her mom dismissed her thought.

“Inside! Now!” Mrs. Lee said as she pointed at the house. I didn’t know She turned around to face me once more. “Get out!” she shouted one last time before slamming the gate in front of me shut.

Music Reviews, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 3: Top 5 Albums of 2024!

liz

Dear, readers; welcome to Letters From Liz!

The time has come to write possibly one of the most important posts for Lizmas each year! Fun fact about this particular post: This is something I work on throughout the year. I make sure that if I come across a bomb album in the duration of the year, I write it down to remember to include it for this post.

It’s my Top 5 Albums of 2024!

For 2021, it was no surprise that Victon’s full-length album, VOICE: The Future is Now, was on the top of my list. For 2022, Demi Lovato took first place with her no-skip rock album, Holy Fvck. Last year, Kpop took their throne back on my list with New Jeans’ Get Up taking the number one spot! This year, I think my Top 5 has come down to a very interesting set of albums that honestly, I didn’t think would even come across my way this year.

Without further ado, here’s my top 5 albums of 2024!

5.) Sabrina Carpenter – Short n’ Sweet

It’s no surprise that 2024 was the year of Sabrina Carpenter. She skyrocketed to mainstream when her witty outros of Nonsense went viral on social media and adapted to this vintage, lacy, pastel image that has set her apart from the other rising pop stars of the year. When she released her first single of the year, “Expresso”, during the weekend of Coachella, the world went into a frenzy. It was the perfect song to start off the Summer and in many people’s opinion, was the Unofficial song of the summer. Her album, Short n’ Sweet ended the summer and did not disappoint. While she has some cheeky songs like “Juno” and “Bed Chem” on the album, I feel like her songs were very country influenced, which wasn’t my cup of tea at first. The songs definitely grew on me, the same way that “Please Please Please” became one of my favorites on the album. It’s no surprise that she dominated the music industry this past year, and it was so deserving considering the decade long career she has had already.

4.) Charli XCX – brat

Come on, it was a brat summer this year, and it was a damn good reason why it was! Just like Sabrina Carpenter, Charli XCX has been in the music industry for a decade now and was well known for being the features for Iconia Pop’s “I Love It” in 2012 and Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” in 2014. She was also the featured singer in John Green’s book-to-movie adaption of The Fault in Our Stars with “Boom Clap”. She has been in the scene for quite some time now, but when brat was released early in the summer, it was officially declared a “brat summer” with hits like “360/365”, “Apple”, and the many remixes that came after its initial release. I wasn’t the biggest fan of this album when it first came out, but it was only after I got hooked on “365” when I started to branch out to the rest of the album. Currently, I am loving “Sympathy is a knife” after enjoying the remix she came out with Ariana Grande not too long ago. It was a different sound in the world of the mainstream Top 40 music; it brought back a nostalgic sound from the early 2010’s when dance music was popular. The album has a whole was a pop cultural moment; everyone had lime green backgrounds with black Arial font wording on it. (I kid you not, the Bertha Harris Women’s Center at the college I work at currently has a brat-inspired album with the words “bertha” in the middle. Iconic.

3.) LE SSERAFIM – CRAZY

Of course, we have some k-pop on the list! I feel like for die-hard k-pop fans, this was a good year in music. Sure, I have my opinion on how over saturated the genre has become, but for the groups that I still follow and enjoy, some of them definitely flew on the top of my list. LE SSERAFIM is a 5-member girl group in 2022 under Source Music, a subsidiary to HYBE Labels. The members include Chaewon, Sakura, Yunjin, Kazuha, and Eunchae. This year was a busy one for the group; having released two EPs and their first English single, “Perfect Night”. Personally, it had been awhile since I actually liked a release that the group put out. Their 3rd EP, EASY, was not my cup of tea and possibly my least favorite of their discography. I didn’t have high hopes when they announced they would be releasing their 4th EP at the end of August, but boy was I wrong. LE SSERAFIM always had this “fashion model” concept since their debut, and this album ties together that concept with the storyline they also have tied to it as well. Besides aespa’s “Supernova” and “Whiplash”, “CRAZY” was the k-pop baby of brat. All the songs are unique in their own way (“Pierrot” being the outshining underdog that should’ve been promoted as a b-side, but who am I to say what to do) but they all sound… well, crazy. I really enjoyed this creative direction that the girls had for this album; so much that this was their first physical album of the groups’ for my collection. It was THAT good.

2.) NewJeans – How Sweet & Supernatural

Woo! The second year that this group has been in my Top 5 because I am still personally hooked on the style and sound these five girls bring. Although with the recent news (after months of feuding between the two CEOS of the labels) of NewJeans terminating their contracts with ADOR; a subsidiary under HYBE labels, I guess you can say that these two albums were their “disbandment” albums. They aren’t disbanding! Just… without a label at the time I am writing this. Anyway, How Sweet was the title track of their 2nd single album of the same name, and “Bubble Gum” was the accompanied b-side. “Bubble Gum”, like I mentioned in my mid-point roundup of top songs, has such a nostalgic and bright feel to it and really wish that it was the title track instead. It was hands down my favorite song of 2024, and wish it got the same love that their previous releases did.

A couple of months after having their Korean comeback, NewJeans ventured out to debut in Japn with their first Japan single album, Supernatural. Now, I’m not one to really enjoy Japan releases from K-pop groups solely due to the fact that (obviously) their sound is changed to target a different audience. Some groups stay true to their concept, and NewJeans was a prime example. This new jack swing inspired beat really makes me feel like I’m watching the intro of an early 90’s sitcom (which they actually pay homage to in their music video). Again, this song was so incredibly good, but I feel like with everything that was going on with the group and their labels, these gems were overlooked to the general public. These girls, being possibly one of the biggest girl groups to be recognized in both the genre and general public in 4th generation k-pop, made a gutsy move to stand up for what they believe in (despite what people think of their decisions). I hope that the group is able to continue making music together because, well… hate to break it to the community, but they were one of the first groups at their time to change the sound of K-pop music and do it in a way that was unconventional to the formula that entertainment agencies generated for their K-pop groups.

1.) Chappell Roan – The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess

It’s been a long time since a debut album of an artist truly was a straight-up masterpiece. They are truly a dime in the dozen; many artists coming out with a discography of music for the first time heavily rely on the music that is given to them that got tossed around different artists before it landed on their laps. Sure, some artists get the privilege to make the music their own by writing and composing it; Chappell Roan was a part of the entire process of her debut album and it shows tremendously. Chappell Roan, although did not start out being on television like Sabrina Carpenter or featured in big summer songs like Charli XCX, was literally just some normal girl in the Midwest making music about her experiences for the past decade. Born and raised in a small town in Missouri, Chappell Roan (which is her stage name as a nod to her grandfather’s last name and his favorite song, “The Strawberry Roan” by Curley Fletcher. She quickly gained a following after her first few songs (which were then added to this album) like “Pink Pony Club”, “Casual”, and “Naked in Manhattan”, and was even invited to be an opener for Olivia Rodrigo’s tour for her debut album, Sour. Both Roan and Rodrigo worked with the same producer for their debut albums, but when it came to working on Chappell’s album, it unintentionally needed to be placed on the back burner due to the overnight success Olivia go when “drivers license” was released in 2021. But hey; good things come to those who wait!

Chappell Roan’s debut album is a no-skip album. There isn’t a single bad song on this album and it covers pretty much very emotion you can possibly think of. It also covers just about every type of pop music subcategory you can think of, which is so hard for an artist to successfully do these days. I think that just plays on Roan’s aesthetic and image; she draws inspiration from theatrics and drag queens in her wardrobe, making music that sounds like you’re listening to it in a car ride in the 80’s (I’m talking about “HOT TO GO!” obviously). I also can’t describe how or why my brain makes this connection, but “Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl” is the song that Hannah Montana would’ve sang later in her career (Hannah, NOT Miley. You get me?) In a nutshell, her album made me a fan of her as an artist. She was not wrong when she said she’s your favorite artist’s favorite artist (inspired by Sasha Colby’s quote). I’m excited to hear what her sophomore album is going to look and sound like; something tells me it’s not going to disappoint.

And that’s it! I feel like this was the year that I started to get back into mainstream music (kinda) and strayed away from just listening to K-pop. I’m excited to see how this list looks like in 2025!

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 2: Overexposed: ‘The Preschoolers’ of Higher Education.

liz

Every Monday morning, I go into my coworker’s office to talk and catch up before the rest of the office comes in at 9AM. I always look forward to our “Monday Morning Meetings”, or the triple M as I like to call it. Most of the time, we talk about how our weekends went; she tends to have much more to talk about since she spends her weekend with her family. I tend to talk about just staying over my partner’s place and relaxing after a long work week. Sometimes, we venture out to talking about things in our personal lives and even though we were raised in different times in life (she is an early 80’s baby as I’m an early 90’s one), we’ve come to realize that we see a lot of ourselves in each other… besides the fact that she used to be a preschool teacher; I would never.

She explained that the most fascinating thing she’s witnessed when she was a teacher was watching the little kids learn new things and see the excitement on their faces when they did. Sure, it’s the things that as we get older become second nature to us, but watching a kid figure out something for the first time ever and being a part of that journey is what made the job memorable for her. Sure, I would laugh and commend her for even dealing with kids that young, but understand that those who work in elementary education in any capacity share that same feeling when talking about their kids. It’s– what you say–drives them. It’s what fuels them. It’s what keeps them going. It’s what keeps their passion alive, despite the negativity cogitation and politics that surround the field in general.

I don’t have the passion to change the lives of children, as I realized I just don’t work well with them. I’m patient, but not for children. What I am passionate about is helping and caring for people that I can somewhat relate to; it’s why I decided to go back to my stomping grounds of my alumna college and work there for 5 years now. I was once in these students’ shoes; an undergraduate walking the large campus for the first time and not knowing where the building of my next class was. I always refer back to the end of my junior year of college, sitting in my advisor’s office and having her tell me that I was 20 credits short and would not graduate on time unless I declared a second minor and took summer classes leading up to my senior year. I graduated on time because someone communicated with me about something no one cared to do for six out of the eight semesters of my undergraduate career.

I look back at that 21-year-old Liz and think about her a lot when doing my job now. She frequents back into my decision making when I am in a dilemma about doing what is right versus what feels right. I vowed to always be that person in higher education that is the connecting voice between staff and students. Students are allowed to know what is going on with their educational record and should always be told the correct information, despite on how our shitty our day is going or how overwhelmed we are feeling due to our busy times. They have it worse; most of us made it to our college graduations and earned our degrees already.

But maybe that’s just me being young and naive. Maybe in higher education, I am what you call a “preschool kid”. Maybe I am still too impressionable to truly see the reality of what it means to work in higher education.

Or maybe, just maybe, I carry so much passion when it comes to higher education.

Hi, my name is Liz, entering my 3rd year in higher education, and would rather be a ‘preschooler of higher ed’ than to just dim my light to be aligned with everyone else.

Lemme explain.

Some people will argue that I take my job way too seriously. Since the beginning, I’ve took a lot of my work home with me mentally, especially on the days where I feel the jadedness of higher education tries to challenge my morals and values in my field. People have to constantly remind me that “it’s just a job” or “don’t take it personal” or “you’re doing too much”, or my personal favorite: “what you’re doing is way above your pay grade.” People assume just because you are frustrated about one element of your job, you make it entirely about you and blah blah blah. Whatever.

Lately, my frustrations have stemmed from a place where I very much feel like I am in the middle of two different worlds within my field. I am metaphorically “not a girl, not yet a woman”; meaning I am not in the same class as those who work task-driven jobs, but not yet experienced enough to partake in conversations where my thoughts and opinions are taken to consideration. While I am great at what I do, I am constantly being humbled by those who still see me as being “too young” because of my work ethic. It’s the “oh dear, you still have high hopes for change in this field” from the people who’ve been in it for as long as I’ve been alive in some cases. It’s the politics and the hierarchy and this never ending superiority complex that people in this field have and–

Okay. Let me stop before I start sounding like one of those people in those podcasts who’ve worked in their industry long enough to see all the bad shit happen behind closed doors. Let me not be the Jaguar Wright of higher education now.

Being in the position I’m in now is allowing me to see the ugly side of higher education that I feel like many people before me have already seen. I am seeing the politics behind the institution. I am seeing the motives of city employees maintaining a cracked image. I am seeing just how many people come in just to clock in, get paid, and go home without caring about anyone else but themselves. Yes, I understand it is what it is, but it doesn’t make it right, especially if you are putting the academic career of a student at jeopardy.

So here I am, “holding space” for my youth in this field with flower patterns in my wardrobe and decorations around my desk while still upholding the status quo of my duties. I am still learning new things that fascinate me about the field, and policies that have been around long enough to even when I was a new student 12 years ago. I am still the preschool kid in higher education, thinking that all these things I am learning will help me grow and be wiser and to one day watch the new generation experience the things I once did.

But I refuse to become Jaded.

I refuse to let my current frustrations and the negativity cloud my vision of change. I refuse to stand in an assembly line with everyone else just trying to get to the end of the work day. I refuse to let others views and opinions take me down so early in my career; I will not let the misery that lingers in every career keep its company with mine. I will not become like my older peers when I get to be their age, and I will not let them silence me while projecting this idea that “the new generation is our future” in the same breath.

Let us take control of the outcome of our future. Let us keep our drive for change alive in hopes that one day, we can actually change the politics behind it. Laugh at me all you want; tell me you remember just how young and naive you were when you were my age and thinking that you thought you had the power to make significant change and–

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I am frustrated because I know that I am capable of being a part of conversation to innovate change. I am frustrated because this is the most confident I’ve been with myself and my work ever. I am in a position where there is so much left to learn, sure– I am not perfect and there is so much of the picture I cannot see yet– but give me the chance to show you that I am working towards getting there. I am frustrated because my passion is constantly being tested, but maybe it’s that same frustration that is making me want to work harder.

It’s just a job. Never take things personal. It’s way above your pay grade. You’re trying too hard.

It’s passion. It’s drive. It’s the excitement of learning new things and wanting to apply it to your everyday tasks. It’s seeing things in a lens that you never saw through before. Fuck it, it’s me being young and still new in this field.

But I refuse to let “older and wiser” turn into “bitter and anger”. I refuse to let decades of untouched politics in higher education stop me from attempting to make even a small change in it. I refuse to change who I am just to blend in into the green and yellow walls of our office, no matter how hard others may try. I refuse to let my passion in higher education fade away.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 1: Re-Introduction, 2024 Edition!

liz

Dear, letter readers – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It is surely the most wonderful time of the year, not only because it’s the holiday season, but because it’s the official start of the Twelve Letters of Lizmas!

If you are new here, the “Twelve Letters of Lizmas” is when I post blog content for the next 12 days leading up to Christmas. This has been a tradition for the blog since the early days of my blog when it used to be called a different name; any readers still around from that time? Anyway, if you’re interested to see just what type of content is posted in this series, you can read last year’s Lizmas posts here. 🙂

What makes these seasonal series so special is that it allows me some time to not only write about the various characters in my writing universe, but it also gives you guys some insight about me; the writer! Every Lizmas, we start off with a “re-introduction” of myself, so without further ado…

Hi! My name is Liz!

In 2024, I turned 30 years old and learned how to not only embrace adulthood, but to do so while maintain my youth. One major milestone I hit this year was that I turned 30 back in January. It was a big deal for me considering that turning 30 has always been this big, monumental change from being a young adult in your 20s and entering your 30s as an adult. It’s scary to think about when you are nearing the age; your 20s represent a time where it’s okay to still be youthful while still finding your place in society. There’s this misconception that you have to have everything figured out by the time you turn 30; you should be settling down and having kids with a steady career and all the things we grew up thinking about what people should be doing in their 30’s.

Being the youngest full-time worker in my current job position actually helped me learn to balance my youth and my adulthood pretty well. In a professional setting, I’ve learned that I am able to still maintain my professionalism in my work place while still making my space feel more colorful and bright and youthful. I now take that same ideology in every aspect of my life: one good thing I’ve witnessed in myself is that my adulthood doesn’t have all this necessary second guessing of what people may think of me. It was something that those older than me have told me years ago that the best part of being in their 30s was that they truly stopped caring about what other people thought about them because their adulthood helped solidified their identity. Being in this space where I didn’t care what people thought about me anymore, I found myself nurturing the little Liz in me, the girl that was too afraid to like different things or to wear things that she liked because of her anxiety or the fear of being bullied about it. I feel like while I’ve always been an advocate for always being your authentic self, I feel like I am now living the words I once told others to be. So yes, I am a 30-year-old woman that still likes colorful patterns and clothing, vivid hair colors and trinkets that symbolize what youth looks like to me. It’s something I honor very much being at my very big age, and in some way feels more rewarding than hitting societal milestones.

In 2024, I continued to challenge my social anxiety by putting myself in more social settings and learned what being in them looked like for me. Late last year, I was invited to my first social gathering (a party) in a really long time. I normally strayed away from going to these type of events because of my history being in them, but since being in therapy and working on myself, I didn’t have much opportunity to challenge my social anxiety and fear of social events until, well, last year. While I thought I mastered the art of being at a social setting, I didn’t. It really wasn’t until this year where I began to learn what it meant to be a person with SAD at a social event. This year, I went to a 90’s themed party during Spring Break, and a Halloween party back in October, and the two parties (although similar and thrown by the same person), were two completely different experiences for me. The first party I still felt this wave of awkwardness; I didn’t really know where to go or where to sit without feeling like I was leaning on my partner’s social skills to help me exist in the party. The second party, I had a better understanding of my role at this party and that truly, it was okay if partying looked different on me. It didn’t bother me as much to be by myself and vibing with the music, and if I did need to step out for air, I wasn’t completely anxious socializing with the people who were out there doing the same thing. I’ve come a long way as a person when it comes to being at social events, but I can honestly say that I am now a person that doesn’t shy away from going out to events; whether it’s on solo adventures to concerts, daytime show audience viewing, or parties!

In 2024, I learned the best way to keep yourself motivated is to know when you need to take breaks; traveling is the way I did so this year. This year was my first in my current position, which meant that more responsibilities and tasks were now on my desk for my 9 to 5. I felt myself needing time off to refocus my body and mind once again, and one way that I was able to successfully do that was go away and travel. For my 30th birthday, I went to California with my partner, and then this past summer, I went to Atlantic City for the first time. In addition to those two trips, my partner and I did another weekend getaway back to AC during a time that we both needed some relaxation and time away from our demanding jobs in education. In all of these trips, I was able to come back to the city with experiences I didn’t have before, as well as this feeling of having a new head on my shoulders when returning back to work. Of course, I hope to travel more next year and see more places I haven’t gotten to see yet, but this year made me realize just how important it is to give yourself the earned and deserved time to take it easy and relax. I’m also very grateful that I have someone that is willing to go on these trips with me with these same intentions in mind: come back feeling inspired and motivated to tackle whatever we have on our plates back at home.

In 2024, I’ve learned a lot about self-control, and struggled with it in the process. I’ve mentioned this on the blog before in the past, but for the last couple of years, I’ve struggled with learning how to balance my need to be in control of situations. Last year taught me that I can only control my own thoughts, feelings, reactions, and behavior. In the past, I had a hard time telling myself that, especially if the thing I was trying to control involved me in a way that made me anxious or stressed. While yes, I can only control myself and what I do in these situations, I found myself obsessing over my own self-control this year. I am still trying to master the art of not self-sabotaging when things get too stressful around me or if I’m not able to successfully have some control in a setting (i.e a busy time of year at my job, poor time management that involves other people, etc.)

I tend to try to get in control by changing something up with myself or engaging in compulsive behaviors that leave me feeling bad about myself. This year, my biggest challenge has been trying to control my self-control; in other words, talking myself out of doing something that is only emotionally driven. This is going to sound stupid, but this year I found myself relying on things to help ease my stress and anxiety, like eating nearly 4 packs of Tic Tacs a day within 20 minutes of each other and associating feeling good with that newfound addiction, or cutting and dyeing my hair nearly every week to regain some sort of control back into my life. I am now back to where I always end up being: trying my hardest to set boundaries with my compulsiveness and finding other ways to successfully release some stress and anxiety. I am realizing that a lot of my compulsive behavior I end up regretting once I look back and see the progress I made before hindering it, like growing out my hair to only damage it and cut it short again because that’s what I wanted in that moment. It’s a very weird thing to explain, but this year has shown me that new tactics and techniques must be made in order to not allow my need of control get the best of me and act out in ways that sabotages my progress. I’m glad I’ve become self-aware, and I hope that within the next year I successfully learn the practice on what to do when you are aware of doing something and how to stop it before it’s too late. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life, nor am I spiraling down due to a bad week or month.

Some other fun facts about me that are on the more light-hearted side:

  • I am still a boy cat mom with a 5-year old turtle named Squirtle that is very sassy.
  • I still live in NYC and still do not see myself leaving anytime soon.
  • I am still very much into fashion as I live to dress myself the way I wish I could when I was younger.
  • I do not consider myself a “k-pop stan” anymore as I removed myself from the online community completely late last year.
  • I do not even consider myself a true penpal writer anymore; I still casually keep in touch with the 3 pen pals I’ve kept and really only write letters periodically.
  • I spend a lot of my free time hanging out (big step for your social anxiety girly) with people, whether it’s to the neighborhood park or to the studio with my partner, or getting celebratory drinks at the local Mexican restaurant and bar.
  • My interests change frequently, and while back in the day that would bother me for not being able to like one thing for a long period of time, I now view it as a learning experience and just go with the flow. (for example, in the time I am writing this, I’ve gained interest in the Pokemon trading card world; I know I wouldn’t ever commit myself to collecting cards since collecting ANY type of photocard as traumatized me, but it’s fun to see people who are in the community pull cards and see what they get in the grading process if the card is worth something).

And I think that’s pretty much it! I hope I am able to have some more interesting stuff to talk about in 2025, but just like my 2024 re-introduction, this year has been a year of learning who I am in this time of life and what adulthood looks like for me and I guess it’s just been simple.

I hope you guys enjoy the rest of the content coming for “Twelve Letters of Lizmas”! Thanks for reading!

Misc., The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Emotions Versus Logic: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

I ran down the block with my instrument case in my hand and my bookbag on my back. I was nervous that my mum was going to say something about me being late from school today. She been on my case ever since Mrs. Kamalani drove me home that day, after the whole rehearsal space situation with Milo. The one thing I was grateful for that day was that Mrs. Kamalani simply said she was there to drop me home after Milo and I had rehearsal after school. I assumed she wanted me to tell my mum the truth, but knowing how strict she’s been with me since starting Waverly High, it was best to keep certain things to myself.

I walked into the house and called out for my mom, letting her know that I got in on time. She walked in from the kitchen, apron on over her work clothes.

“Soojin,” my mother greeted me as she tied her hair back into a bun. “How was school?”

“It was okay,” I said as I put my instrument case down near the hallway entrance table. “We had a rehearsal right after school; that’s why I was a little late today.” Lies. I was waiting for a boy who promised me pizza after school, not remembering he was grounded for life. “We have a showcase coming up at Julliard; isn’t that exciting?”

“Julliard?” My mum said with her thick, Korean accent. “That’s the fancy music university in the city, right?” I nodded my head before I answered.

“It’s where all of the Waverly students go to college,” I explained, setting up the dinner table for my mum and I. “I heard that Waverly students are the most considered as incoming students; it’s seen as the continuation of Waverly High because those who audition for Julliard tend to get accepted.”

“Music university, huh?” My mum said as she covered the pot on the stove with the lid. She turns around, wiping her hands on her apron. “That’s where you want to go for college?” I sighed, hearing my mum talk about my future plans with college.

“I have time before I have to think about college,” I joked, trying to ease the mood. “It’s still so soon to be thinking about college.”

“Your first year is almost over though,” my mum mentioned as she tend to the food on the stove. “Before you know it, you’ll be taking all those important college entry exams to determine where you will be going.” I looked at my mum as she was finishing making dinner. I didn’t say anything back to her only because I didn’t want to think about something so far ahead in the future. I still had so many things to do and learn before I sat down and thought about college. I still had so many concerts and showcases to perform at, Regents to take, life to live as a high-school student. If the next three years happen the same way as freshman year did…

It was going to take forever to even get to think about college.

“Your father and I just want you to start thinking about the future,” my mum insisted. It bothered me when she brought him into conversation. I know she wanted to believe that he was still included in our family, but the fact was that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and I doubt he even cares to think about where my future is heading. “The possibilities are endless; a biologist, chemist, doctor, lawyer…” I looked at my mum as she started to serve the food on our plates. None of those occupations are offered at Julliard.

“About my showcase coming up,” I said, trying to direct the conversation somewhere else. “Mr. Harrison wants us to meet at the school on Saturday morning at 10. The showcase is supposed to start at noon, so–“

“Which Saturday? This Saturday?” my mum interrupted me to ask. I nodded my head yes, which made her seem a bit annoyed. “Soojin, you can’t go.”

“Wait, what?” I asked. “I have to go! It’s a part of my grade and I have a solo in the piece and–“

“That is the Saturday we are going to visit your father,” my mum answered in a stern manner. “His birthday is this upcoming Tuesday and I told him we would all be there to visit him.”

“Mum,” I said, not knowing what else to say at this point. “I can’t miss this performance!”

“You can’t make it to all of them, Soojin,” my mum began to argue with me. “I understand that this means a lot to you, but you have to understand that there are more important things in life that takes priority.”

“Oh, so you’re saying to just get a failing grade in my major?!” I questioned, getting angry now. “You’re telling me to miss my performance because we have to see my father who is incarcerated for doing things without considering how it affects the daily lives of his family?”

“He’s your father regardless whatever he did!” my mum shouted as she slammed her hand on the table top. The silverware made a noise as she did, which made the entire room feel intense. I was angry; furious. Time and time again I felt like I had to out aside my wants and needs for people that wouldn’t do the same for me. Band ensemble was the only thing that I wanted to do and had control over doing in a world where I really had no other say. My music was the only thing I ever felt good at and in control with at the same time. I will not allow anything, not even my father, ruin that for me.

I was in control of my wants, needs, and values in life, even if they meant I had to go against everything I was raised to believe.

“Fine,” I said, excusing myself from the table. “I will let Mr. Harrison know that I will not be able to attend this showcase because I have an obligation to see my father who out his needs first before his families and now has the next 5 years to deal with the consequences. That 0% next to my name for this showcase will look great on my report card this marking period.

“Soojin-ah!” my mum called out for me, but I simply ignore her and head upstairs to my room. No, mum. You will not make my decisions for me; whether they are for my present or for my future.

…

It was now Saturday morning; the air was warmer than it had been in the last couple of weeks. Going from the Winter chill to the Spring breeze made the mornings a bit more bearable to be awake for, and I was happy to see that out of all the mornings we had this week, today was the warmest of them all.

I walked down the block, feeling my heart rate increase with each step that I made. A part of me was telling me to do what was expected of me. That part of me, the one where I was this perfect daughter that did everything according to her parents, reminded me that I am where I am because of the guidance of my parents. The other part of me, the one I’ve grown to admire and follow, is telling me to keep going. Keep going after what matters to you, Sophie.

I stopped and smiled once I got to the building. The wave of anxiety I felt was immediately let out as soon as I saw him standing there looking back at me. This calmness, this certainty, and this newfound of emotions I had felt since that day everything changed was all because of him.

“You made it,” he said as he walked up to me.

“I did,” I said, smiling back at Milo.

Misc., The "Something" Series: Season 3

I Spy With My Little Eye, Something… : A Grace Monologue.

liz

The beautiful thing about exploring in another country is the fact that you see things you never thought you’d get the chance to see in person. The bamboo trees were tall and skinny; some even looked like they were intertwining with each other to create some sort of bamboo-made roof. The weather was perfect for hiking the path, and I didn’t have any idea that a place like this even existed so close to the city.

Jamie walked ahead of me for most of the hike, guiding us down the path. It made me wonder if he comes here a lot; we walked around as if he did this frequently. Every few steps ahead, he would turn around to check on me; I would give him the thumbs up before he continued walking forward. We eventually made a stop at one of the benches, grabbing our water bottles from our bags to drink.

“How are you liking it so far?” Jamie asked as he took a sip of water.

“The sights are breathtaking,” I answered, looking up toward the trees and other surroundings. “Something that you don’t get to see back in America.”

“It’s the beauty of traveling,” Jamie added. “I remember when I got into New York City for the first time ever; we got there pretty late at night and all of us were just so mesmerized with the billboards and all of the lights. It’s like you don’t think you’d ever see these things in person after seeing them in books and movies.”

“Were you a Home Alone 2 fan?” I asked, mostly teasing but also curious. Jamie looked at me before he slowly nodded his head. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Wait, really?”

“My sisters and I grew up watching all of the Christmas movies,” Jamie further explained. “The huge toy store scene? It was my absolute dream as a kid to go to.”

“I mean of course,” I responded. “But it closed way before even my mom and dad’s time.”

“Nevertheless, it was breathtaking my first time,” Jamie added, clearly in thought.

“Would you go back?” I asked, not realizing just how much weight that question carried. Great question, Grace. He turned his head to look at me; it was like he was thinking the same things I was.

“I don’t know,” Jamie vaguely answered. “There’s so much more of America I have yet to see.” I nodded my head, immediately jumping away from the subject.

“How often do you come here to hike?” I said as I got up from my seat, stretching my body. “You seem to know your way around here.”

“I used to come here more frequently when I was kid,” Jamie began to say as he got up from his seat as well. “My father and I would go hiking before the weather got too cold in Autumn. It was somewhat of a tradition for us to do this, but now I usually go once a year around this time.”

“September is still a pretty warm month though,” I said as we started walking along the path again. Once we got toward the top of one of the mountain trails, Jamie had stopped us to take a breather. He sighed before he said anything.

“Today marks 7 years since my father passed away,” Jamie admitted. Fuck. I felt horrible for even having to make him remember why he does what he does on this specific day. “Every year, rain or shine, I try to take the walk to honor my father’s tradition.”

“Oh, I’m, uh–” I started to apologize, but Jamie shook his head before I went any further.

“It’s okay,” Jamie reassured. “Really.” I don’t say anything else after that; I allowed the sights of the bamboo trees fill in the void that was this conversation. I felt weird being on this hiking path with Jamie on the anniversary of his father’s passing. I felt as if I was intruding on something sacred. Out of all people in the world, why would I be here with Jamie on this specific day? He did invite me, sure, but was it out of pity? Did he think I was going to say no or something? If I knew the reason Jamie was taking this path today, I wouldn’t have agreed to come along. Too late now, Grace.

“Did you finish your piece for the production?” Jamie finally asked. I sighed, totally forgetting that was a thing I was working on today.

“Almost,” I answered, looking at the road as I walked. “I have a couple of things to polish, but for the most part it’s ready to be shown to the director.” Jamie looked at me as he chuckled.

“You don’t seem too excited,” Jamie mentioned. I shook my head, hoping I didn’t come off as ungrateful for the opportunity.

“I am, I’m just tired of the rehearsal process,” I said, looking up at Jamie. “Rehearsals are the tedious part of the production. I like being on stage and performing; not practicing all day in some stuffy room.”

“I guess I can understand,” Jamie said, looking up at the sky as he spoke. “I sometimes find myself anticipating wanting to go into the courtroom rather than studying on a case leading up to it. It’s like the adrenaline needs its time to just come out and do its thing.” I looked at Jamie, not really understanding the analogy between law and dancing, but I understood where he was coming from. He always tried to make everything into an analogy. He looked over at me and saw the look on my face; nearly smirking. He cleared his throat before he spoke again. “So, when is this new dance being debuted at the show?”

“I’m not sure yet,” I answered, looking forward toward the road again. “I know the director wanted to debut it towards the end of the production, so I think it won’t be too long until it does.”

“You’ll do great,” Jamie reassured me.

“Yeah?” I questioned, looking at Jamie. “Do you think it’ll be any better than what you saw during opening night?” Jamie’s face began to turn red. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You know why I was even there, right?” Jamie stopped walking to look at me. “I was gifted those tickets from my mother. She wanted to go and see the show, but she couldn’t make it that night. She told me to go instead, since my–” he stopped and thought about before he spoke. Your girlfriend, Jamie.

“Did you enjoy the show?” I asked, gearing the conversation elsewhere. I can see it in Jamie’s expression that he knew that I knew where that conversation was going.

“It was a beautiful show,” Jamie answered as he started to walk again. “All the dancers were extremely talented, and the visual direction was mesmerizing.” Jamie turned to look at me once more before speaking. “You were also did amazing at the show.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling a little weird hearing a compliment like that from Jamie. Jamie was supportive of my transition from law to dance back when we were dating. If I had any late night rehearsals, Jamie was the first person there to come get me when they were over. He was really the only one that understood why I wanted to get back into dancing; he knew how much it meant to me when I first started. He would’ve been so supportive about the production if we were together during the time I got the gig.

There a little awkward silence as we slowed down to our next resting point; once we found benches to rest on, I took out my phone to look at the time and noticed Sahim had texted me about an hour ago. ‘

Sahim: Wanna grab some dinner before rehearsal tonight? 🙂

I felt a wave of guilt all of a sudden. This was harmless, but knowing that Sahim knows that Jamie is my ex makes this hang out session almost immediately uncomfortable.

“Grace?” Jamie said as he looked at me. I powered off my phone screen and quickly looked back at Jamie. “You’re alright?”

“Yeah,” I said, putting a smile on my face. “It was my production group chat notifying us about something for tonight’s rehearsal.” I knew he knew I was lying right in front of his face. Jamie would pierce his mouth shut when he knew I was lying. Most of the time, he waited until I said the truth; this time, he just went along with it.

“The end of the path isn’t too far from here,” Jamie explained as he began to get up. “I can drive you back to your place or straight to your rehearsal if you’d like.”

“You don’t have to, Jamie,” I said, getting up from my seat and started to walk along the path again. “I’ll go back to the hotel and freshen up before going to rehearsal tonight.” I didn’t look back to see Jamie’s reaction; I just wanted to get to the end of the hike and go out separate ways for the day. Jamie didn’t say anything back to me; it was like he knew exactly what was going on inside my head and didn’t want to intervene. At least he understands.

…

I ran past the lobby of the hotel, hoping to bypass everyone in the lobby getting ready to go for tonight’s rehearsal. I needed to change quickly and get rid of any evidence that showed me being out in the forest all day. I was nervous; I didn’t want to have to explain myself if Aimee, Maurice, or Sahim saw something unusual on me. I quickly opened the front door of my hotel, shutting it behind me before anyone could see. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. What am I even doing?

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #32: Crossing Boundaries.

liz

The bell rings at Waverly High and students begin to roam the hallway. Milo and Jennifer walk out of the vocal room more exhausted than usual. They both walk to their lockers to get their books for the next class.

Milo: Why was that vocal class literal torture today?

Jennifer doesn’t answer. She hasn’t said much about anything most of the day. Milo looks over at Jennifer for an answer; he doesn’t bother her for one.

Milo: Like I get it, Quartets are must to test you on your music, but man… it was hard to watch.

Jennifer: Yeah.

Milo looks over at Jennifer; worried. He clears his throat, changing the conversation.

Milo: You’re heading to Algebra?

Jennifer: Yeah.

Jennifer shuts her locker door closed and begins to walk away from Milo. He watches her as she does. He sighs as soon as Nicki walks up to Milo and his locker.

Nicki: Still nothing?

Milo: Nothing. *faces Nicki* She hasn’t said more than 7 words in the entire day. I don’t think I ever seen her this depressed.

Nicki: I know; it feels so weird to see her not being herself.

Milo looks down the hallway, watching Jennifer turn the corner of it. It breaks his heart.

Nicki: *changes the subject* Are you going to practice in the West Wing during lunch today?

Milo: Maybe; I’m not sure yet. Why? Are you?

Nicki: I really should, but I’m worried about Pep. I have to get this last part of the piece down, but Pep’s our best friend and–

Milo: I’ll go to lunch and stay with her.

Nicki: Are you sure? I know you barely like going to lunch in the first place.

Milo: You have to practice, Nic. I’ll be fine and I’ll keep Pep company.

Nicki lets out a deep breath before the warning bell goes off.

Nicki: I’ll see you in band later; give Pep a hug for me during lunch.

Nicki runs away from Milo to make it to her next class on time. Milo closes his locker after taking out his Biology textbook.

Milo walks into his Biology class and sits in his assigned seat. Gwen, as always, is on time at her desk already with her books out. She looks up when she sees Milo sit down in his seat.

Gwen: *greets* Hey, Milo.

Milo: *smiles* Hey, Gwen. *looks at her notebook* Are those your notes for a project or something?

Gwen: *shakes head* Regents.

Milo: *shocked* School’s not even over yet!

Gwen: *giggles* Go figure, Sherlock. *sighs* With my extra violin lessons and doctor appointments coming up, I’m not going to have enough time to study for the test in a couple of weeks.

Milo: You probably don’t even have to study; you’re the only one that’s gonna ace this test.

Gwen shakes her head and laughs.

Gwen: Well to be on the safe side; I am going to study. *changes the subject* Are you going to the West Wing today? Our show is tomorrow.

Milo: *hesitates* Oh, uhm… I was actually gonna grab some lunch today.

Gwen: *shocked* Really? *teases* I didn’t think you even knew where the lunchroom was located.

Milo smiles at Gwen’s minor burn to him. She laughs, playing it off.

Milo: You know I have to keep everyone on their toes; I just feel like doing whatever I wanna do.

Gwen: Until it’s the day of the show and you’re freaking out because you didn’t prepare enough for it.

Milo shakes his head and laughs.

Gwen: But seriously; you’re not going to the West Wing today?

Milo ponders the thought for a moment.

Milo: I guess I can eat some pizza after school today.

Gwen smiles as the bell finally rings to start class.

…

It’s the start of the lunch period as most of the students head towards the direction of the cafeteria. Milo, on the other hand, begins to walk to the West Wing. He makes the hard turn of the corner and stop short when he sees Jennifer turn the same corner.

Milo: *surprised* Oh! Pep!

Jennifer stands there, looking at Milo.

Jennifer: Hey.

Milo: Hey; are you headed to lunch?

Jennifer nods her head and continues to walk towards the cafeteria area. Milo follows along.

Milo: Do you mind if I come with you?

Jennifer stops and looks at Milo; confused.

Jennifer: Since when do you go to lunch?

Milo: I didn’t eat breakfast today, so I’m starving right now.

Jennifer: *confused* … You eat breakfast?

Milo: Do you think I don’t eat or something?

Jennifer giggles; seeing her smile makes Milo happy.

Milo: *teases* Since you know the lunch menu so well; what’s on it today?

Jennifer: *disgust* Chicken patties.

Milo second guesses his decision of going to lunch with Jennifer. Eventually, the two teens get to the lunch room and grab their lunch trays. They both turn around and look for an empty space to sit. They begin to walk over to the usual table Jennifer hangs out at.

Milo: So, how has your day been going so far?

Jennifer: I would say that I can’t wait to get home, but I would rather sit in Global for 5 hours straight.

Milo: That’s… cruel. Did you talk to your mom after I left?

Jennifer: No. Why should I? Clearly she doesn’t care about my feelings or listen to anything that I have to say.

Milo: But she’s your mom–

Jennifer: *defensive* Who cares? She’s not acting like my mom right now, so I’m not gonna treat her like my mom.

Milo sighs, thinking carefully about what to say next.

Milo: I’m sorry that you’re going through this, Pep. I don’t know how you exactly feel, but I can understand how much this means to you.

Jennifer: *sigh* I just don’t understand why my mom would let him back into our lives. He left us all those years ago and thinks he can just walk back into them.

Milo: Maybe you should ask your mom; she might make things clear for you–

Jennifer: *annoyed* I don’t want to talk to her ever again.

Milo sighs, realizing this conversation is going nowhere.

Milo: Why don’t we go to the pizza place today after school? This lunch is depressing to eat.

Jennifer smirks at Milo’s comment. He briefly sighs out of relief.

Milo: It’ll also be on me today.

Jennifer: You don’t have to tell me anything else! I’ll be there.

Milo smiles as he takes a sip of his chocolate milk. Jennifer returns eating her school lunch.