Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025 – Letters From Liz.

Sophomore year had come to an end, and now the hardest part of our high school careers were coming: junior year.

It wasn’t just a day-by-day occurrence anymore; this was now the time that colleges will look at to determine whether or not they want you in their school. My dad had told me early on into sophomore year that I should be thinking about colleges. I laughed it off; all I wanted to do was go back to school, play in the band and sing in the choir, and hang out with Sophie after school.

“Again?” Jennifer asked as she prepped dinner in the kitchen. Reagan and Dylan were in the living room, watching some cartoon on the TV. Micah was in his room, playing what I would believe is some Charli XCX inspired techno beat on his iPad. “Didn’t you just see Sophie yesterday?”

“Today’s a brand new day,” I said, getting my bag ready. Jennifer turns around and looks at me, crossing her arms along her chest. “What?”

“Just because your dad is away at a conference for Spring Break, doesn’t mean you can go buckwild,” she commented. “I hope you have condoms in that bag.”

“Pep!” I reacted, my face now bright red.

“Your dad is oblivious; not me,” Jennifer turned back around into the kitchen and continued preparing food on the counter. “I think he chooses to be; why else would you constantly be hanging out in the pizza parlor with your girlfriend?”

“I happen to enjoy the pizza there,” I commented, grabbing a water from the fridge.

“Uh huh,” Jennifer responded. “I’m just telling you how it is, Milo. I don’t need you two running to me because you two decided to be reckless one night.” I feel my face get even hotter, remembering the time near my birthday that Sophie and I went to Jennifer for help with… lady problems. “I’m way too young to be a grandmother.”

“Pep, please,” I cover my ears as she spoke. I wanted nothing more to escape this conversation. Thankfully, Sophie called my phone at the right time. “Hey, babe… yep, I’m leaving now; I’ll be there in 10 minutes… Love you too.” I hang up my phone and get off the barstool and walk towards the front door. “I’ll text you!”

…

“Again?” I hear Jennifer whisper in the kitchen. “I’m worried about him, Milo.”

“He’s going to be fine, Pep,” I hear my dad speak. “It’s just a difficult time for him. It’s his first break-up.”

“I’m saying the same thing I had to tell Mollie earlier this summer; break-ups hurt, but the work never stops.” Mollie has had a hard summer for sure. I only know because she randomly had texted me one night during summer break. It completely took me off-guard, her message notifications were foreign on my phone. Later that night, I sat on my front stoop, waiting for her to come by. Once I had saw her walking underneath a street light I stood up. Mollie must’ve had saw me since she stopped in place for a moment. She continued walking toward my house; it wasn’t until she got close that I realized something was wrong.

“Mol?” I said, confused to see her here this late, yet alone here at all. “Is everything okay?” She didn’t say anything back; she simply started sobbing in my arms as I hugged her. This was the closest we’ve been since freshman year. “Mol.”

“Aaron and I broke up,” Mollie said through tears. I was speechless, not expecting to hear that. Aaron and Mollie were stronger than ever during sophomore year. We had drifted a part as the months passed in addition to our rocky first year at Waverly, but seeing her be so happy with Aaron made me realize just how much Mollie loved him. I understood what that looked like; in some strange way, it gave me the courage to finally make things official with Sophie.

“Why? What happened?” I pulled her away to finally talk to her, but her head hung low. All I saw were tears falling straight to the ground. I kneeled down in front of Mollie, not wanting to force her to look up at me. “Mol?”

She took a few deep breaths before she lifted her head up. I got up with her. “Aaron got some once in a lifetime deal to be an opener for the Chappell Brothers.” My eyes widen, shocked. That was definitely a once in a lifetime deal. “He leaves for tour in a week.”

“I’m… sorry, Mol,” I genuinely said. “How did he even get that?”

“His dumb, optimistic manager,” Mollie answered, sniffling and wiping her eyes. “Apparently this has been in the talks for a year. A year! A year Aaron knew this was in negotiation and didn’t even bother telling me until a week before!”

“But you’re in his band,” I pointed out. “You’ve been singing lead for two years now.” Mollie started crying again after I said that. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just–“

“I quit the band,” Mollie admitted. Another shocker in such a short time-span. “For one, my mom isn’t letting me run off with some boy and his band, and–“

“You’d be leaving dance behind,” I concluded, immediately understanding the circumstances. I sighed. “I’m sorry you’re going though this.” Mollie started to laugh as she continued wiping her tears off of her face.

“Isn’t it crazy,” she began to say. “I should’ve just listened to you when you said he cared about his band more than me.”

“No,” I immediately disagreed. “That was stupid for me to say in the first place.”

“But it was true–“

“You loved him, Mol,” I emphasized. “And anyone with a pair of eyes knew that he loved you back.” Mollie just stared at me, letting the slow falling tears fall from her eyes. “I didn’t realize that until this year; really.”

“This sucks,” Mollie said, putting her head on my shoulder.

I placed my head on top of hers, comforting her in the way that I used to; back when we were just kids. Back when we were best friends. “I know, Mol.”

…

I finally get up from my bed and open my bedroom door. I walk out passed the kitchen and see Jennifer and my dad standing there. They stop talking once they notice me standing.

“Hey, buddy,” my dad began to say.

“My room is literally around the corner,” I commented. “No need to stop talking about me now that I am here.”

“Milo,” Jennifer began to say as I walked past the two adults, getting a snack from the cabinet. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” I simply said, walking out of the kitchen with a bag of chips in my hand. “I just want to relax before school starts next week.” I plopped down on the sofa, next to my younger brother, Micah. He looks at me when I reach for the remote.

“Hey! I’m watching that!” he whined.

“I’ve been hearing this same damn episode of Bluey all day,” I told him, annoyed.

“Mommy!”

“Milo,” my dad intervened.

“What?” I looked at my dad, frustrated at everyone in this house at this point. He started walking to the back door of the kitchen; the ones that goes straight to the studio downstairs.

“Come downstairs for a minute.” I sighed, leaving the bag of chips on the sofa. It wasn’t a surprise that I heard Micah immediately grab it for himself.

I walked down the studio stairs and stopped once I saw my dad in the equipment area, grabbing a guitar from the supply closet.

“Dad, I’m not in the mood to learn anything new with the electric guitar,” I pleaded, sitting on the piano bench, watching my dad tune the guitar. “Dad? Dad?!” He couldn’t hear me over the practice riffs he played on the guitar. Can’t lie, it sounded pretty sick.

He looked back up, taking the guitar off from his body and placing it on the stand next to him. He grabs a folding chair, opening it in front of me and sits down. “I know you’re having a hard time with your break-up with Sophie.”

“There’s nothing I can do about it,” I said nonchalantly. “It is what it is.”

“I know you love her, bud.” I begin bouncing my leg in place, unwillingly at this point. I didn’t want to get into this; not with my dad. “I know how it feels to have your very first heartbreak like that.”

“Jennifer broke up with you at one point?” I genuinely asked.

My dad shook his head no. “It was when your mom passed away.” Yeah, he won that debate.

“Dad,” I began to try to put together a tangible sentence about this topic. “I don’t want to have to look at her in band and think about why our relationship didn’t work out.”

“Why did you guys decide to break up in the first place?”

“Things just got complicated,” I answered vaguely. The truth of the matter was that Sophie felt like she lost her identity being with me. Throughout sophomore year, my friends became her friends when we got together. If I was around, it was most likely that Sophie was there too. It got to the point where she began to feel like my shadow.

It also didn’t help that major wise, we both probably did the worst in those classes. We weren’t really a good influence when we were together. We used to cut our 8th period class just so that we could hang out in the treehouse, or in the studio space before my parents got home. A lot of that time spent during that time was… well, you know.

“Not to sound insensitive, but you guys are 16. What could’ve possibly been more complicated than the classes you’re taking in school?”

“She spent a lot of time with me, dad.” Sophie spent majority of her time with me over the past year, and although I won’t tell him this, she had expressed she felt most like herself while she was doing her Juilliard future students program. I wouldn’t ever tell Sophie this, but her excessive time in the program was starting to rub me off the way. I started to feel like she would rather send time with other prospective students in the program instead of her own boyfriend. “We both felt like we were just… too dependent on each other, I guess.

“Sounds like you don’t agree,” my dad pointed out.

“I do,” I quickly said, dismissing his comment. “But I’m fine, dad. I think it’s best that we both focus on things for college, especially if we’re going to go to the schools we want to go.”

“That’s a very mature outlook on things,” my dad commented, and continued to play the guitar. I knew my dad played the guitar, but to him it’s been years since he did it every day. He mentioned that he used to be in a band with Jennifer and a couple of their friends back in high-school. What surprised me is that he actually looked cool playing it. “Have you ever thought about doing something outside of school this year?” Huh?

“With my schedule?” I joked, now walking towards him and the guitar. He looks up at me, noticing me looking at the guitar.

“Maybe you should put some of your focus this year on a new project,” he mentioned. “Like start your own band or something.”

“That’s basic,” I dismissed, rolling my eyes.

“It’s something on your resume for schools that are looking for leaders in their craft,” my dad mentioned. “At least, that’s what I heard for Berklee.” Boston Conservatory at Berklee was my top college. I went to a couple of campus tours and open houses last year whenever I had the chance, and that chance being whenever Jennifer had a dance competition with her academy in Massachusetts. I pictured myself walking around the campus, taking music classes and living away from home for four years. It was something I was excited about doing once I graduate Waverly next year.

But, I’ve yet to do junior year, in which something tells me this isn’t going to be the easiest year.

“I don’t know,” I finally answered. “I don’t think I’m ready to be going out there and recruit people for a band in junior year. Everyone already is a part of some band or group, especially after Aaron and his band–“

“Yeah.” My dad said. He knows exactly what happened. “Maybe you should try talking to Mollie.”

“And have her join yet another band? She’d punch me right in the face if I did.” It was true though. I couldn’t imagine Mollie wanting to join anything this year that involves music.

“But this could be something that you both put together,” my dad suggested. “Mollie joined someone else’s band. With her a part of the founding process, she has something that is evenly yours and hers.” My dad then begins to rip some sort of crazy chord on the guitar that echoes the entire studio room. It isn’t long after that Jennifer is yelling from on top of the stairs, saying that the house is shaking. My dad laughs and puts the guitar back on its stand. The guitar is shiny and orange; sort of vintage looking. I wonder if this was dad’s when he was in his own band.

“Dad?”

“Yeah, bud?” he answered, placing the guitar back in the storage closet.

“Why didn’t your band work out if they were all your friends?” I asked. My dad turned around and looked at me before answering the question.

“Personally, my priorities had to change,” he began to answer. “You were born and I has to take care of you first.” Ahh, so much for having a cool dad in a world famous band.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 11: A Reflection of 2025.

December 24, 2025December 2, 2025 liz

10 years ago, I was silently going through a major event in my life. Major, as in life-changing, and something that I did not know would affect me in the immediate years after that, and that it would trigger me years after it all.

It’s Halloween night, and I just got out of work and have plans to go out. I’m dressed as a Saloon girl, in honor to my office’s Western theme Halloween party. I meet up with my partner and one of his closest friends at the local bar; the one I have intentionally labeled as our “Central Perk”. The place is crowded, and we are unfortunately sitting next to a man who clearly had a ton to drink already. Despite my costume being very “cleavage exposed”, I felt the tightness in my chest. I felt uncomfortable; not because I didn’t expect a man to be drunk at a bar though. It was like my body was reacting to the scenario in a way that it did all those years ago. It was like… I wasn’t exposed to this type of trauma for so many years now, that I simply didn’t even know how to react. I felt myself getting an anxiety attack, and it showed on my face instantly.

Eventually, the guy left the bar and a younger couple in costumes took his spot in the bar. After processing the situation and feeling safe, I voiced out to my partner that seeing that man that drunk triggered me, and brought up that trauma. I’m grateful I didn’t need to further explain it, as he was there when that part of my life happened, 10 years ago.

I was 21. I felt trapped. Lost. Defeated, thinking this was going to be for the rest of my life if I didn’t get myself out of it.

I am now 31. I am free. I am better. I am undeniably living some of the best years of my life. I’m living the life 21 year old Liz dreamed of.

So, what happened? Well, life happened – and for once I am grateful that it nearly cost someone’s life in order to make a change. A major change. Major, as in to the point where it took years to forgive, and allow myself to let that anger go in order for me to start healing.

10 years later, I am reminded that the little girl that shared a common interest in sports was still alive. I was able to attend a game for a team that I grew up watching. I remember sitting in that stadium and just looking over to my left thinking, “this is something I didn’t think I’d ever get to do with you.”

This year–the more that I think about it–was truly… healing.

This year was the year that I began to be more honest with myself on a level that I wasn’t capable of doing due to fear. I was able to have conversations that were once too tough to have, especially when it came to more of the adult problems. I was also able to accept that… well, I was changing, and the things that once made me feel safe no longer worked during the rough times.

It’s probably why it nearly took 19 years to finally get treated for trichotillomania. I was finally being honest with myself.

This year, I finally started to feel like I was genuinely being myself without any self-judgement. In conversations with friends and family, in professional settings at the office, and in general I feel like more of my true personality is being let out. In a sense, I am starting to feel like the grown-up version of “kid me”: the funny, witty, bubbly kid that also didn’t take no shit from anyone that disrespected her. It’s nice to finally feel like I am closer to my kid self than any other version, which is honestly so surprisingly refreshing.

I did so many things to document a good year: I went to Atlantic City every 3 months, or literally when my partner and I felt like we needed a break from our jobs and come back to them feeling brand new and ready to make that money. I went to 2 concerts this year; one in which I was a VIP and got to hang out with the band before the show. I went to see the New York Mets play this summer, which was rewarding for the little baseball girly in me. I did all these amazing things that I chose to do because I deserved to experience times like this. I deserved to live my life like I was in my early 20’s again after wasting them being severely depressed and unmotivated.

I deserved to heal, and it was time that I allowed myself to heal.

The reality of it all was that I knew I was getting older, and the people that I grew up with were getting older. The reality of it, at least for me, was knowing that I am now at the age that I realize that the only person that will ever make you feel safe is yourself. The only person that you’ll ever feel secure and certain with is yourself. So, why not build up the relationship you should have with yourself?

To reflect back on this year and compare it to 2015 just proves the point that things get better with time. Hardships are going to happen, and it’s going to feel like nothing will ever be right.

Spoiler: The feeling will be temporary.

As we end 2025 and get ready for 2026, I reflect back on the difference in where I was this time last year. It just comes to show that it gets better as the years go on, despite what happens in between.

See you in 2026, letter readers. ❤

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 9: Tape #52 – The First Serious Talk of Many.

December 22, 2025December 10, 2025 liz

Milo walks down the very block he did about a week ago; this time without any of the excitement he usually feels. His stomach is in a knot; each footstep forward feels harder to make than the last one. He finally reaches his destination: the treehouse in front of Gwen’s yard.

Milo looks up, hoping to see some movement in the treehouse. He sighs, about to give up and head back around until the front door of Gwen’s house opens. Milo quickly turns around, noticing Gwen’s mother standing there.

Beth: I’m sorry; are you looking for Gwen?

Milo: *nervous* Uhm, uh–

Beth: My husband and I have noticed you walking up and down our street all week and–

Gwen walks up behind her mother.

Gwen: *embarrassed* Mom…

Beth: What? Do you know this young man?

Gwen looks over at Milo; it was the first time Milo has physically seen Gwen since the night in the treehouse.

Gwen: *to Beth* Yes, mom. He’s… a friend from school.

Beth and Gwen look back at Milo, who is now awkwardly standing in the middle of their yard.

…

Gwen opens the door of her bedroom and walks in, letting Milo follow behind her. She doesn’t say anything to him; she simply goes to the corner of her room where a window stoop-now-seat is with a munch of books piling up. Milo stands in the middle of her room, observing her.

Milo: That’s surely a lot of books to read for the first day of summer break.

Gwen: It’s for AP English; they gave us a reading list of books to finish before the school year starts.

Milo: That’s… a lot.

Gwen: I’ll manage.

Gwen turns her back on Milo, flipping through the various pages of books. Milo slowly walks closer to Gwen, watching her every move. He notices her side eyeing him as he gets closer. He slowly sits next to Gwen, facing her as she skims.

Gwen: *not looking up* I doubt you’re here to help me read these books…

Milo: You haven’t been on AIM in days.

Gwen’s head shoots up to look at Milo; she doesn’t say anything.

Gwen: I don’t feel like IMing anybody–

Milo: That’s completely fine, but I’m not just anybody.

Gwen shuts her book hard, making a thud sound against its pages.

Milo: How are you doing?

Gwen: *crosses her arms along her chest* That’s a stupid question.

Milo: It probably is, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to know.

Gwen: I’m fine, Milo…

Milo: *stern* Stop it.

Milo and Gwen stare at each other for a moment before Gwen looks away; preferable trying to hold back her tears.

Milo: I already told you, I’m not going anywhere.

Gwen: Milo–

Milo: And I meant it.

Gwen doesn’t say anything else; she just looks at Milo as he speaks.

Milo: Mr. Harrison petitioned to remove me from the dual major program.

Gwen: *shocked* What?

Milo: He hounded at the fact that I missed the dual major and strings performance and said I wasn’t fit to be in the program.

Gwen sighs as her face softens.

Gwen: Because you came over here… I’m so sorry–

Milo: You did nothing wrong.

Gwen: *confused* You missed the show because of me.

Milo: You think I care more about a stupid program than you?

Gwen: *concerned* Milo, you worked hard to be in the dual majors program. You earned your spot and for Mr. Harrison to petition you be removed is not fair–

Milo: You matter more, Gwen.

Milo pauses before he speaks again.

Milo: You and… the baby matter more.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. She watches Milo gently put his hand on top of hers, slightly squeezing it for reassurance.

Gwen: *softly* How are you so… calm about this?

Milo: Believe me, I’m screaming inside; but one of us has to be the one to make sure the other is alright. I rather be that one.

Gwen smiles before she lets out a deep sigh.

Gwen: *worried* Milo… we have to make a decision about this.

Milo looks at Gwen, a bit confused.

Milo: A decision?

Gwen: We’re only 15. We’ve just finished freshman year of high school. You have to deal with the dual major issue, I have tons of work for these AP courses, you have your band, I have my extracurricular activities–

Milo: What are you trying to say?

Gwen: *dumbfounded* What do you mean ‘what am I trying to say’?!

Milo: You’ve said nothing but the obvious things, Gwen–

Gwen: *annoyed* The obvious things are the obvious reasons we can’t keep it.

Milo freezes in place, not knowing how to respond.

Milo: Is that what you want to do?

Gwen: *impatient* You want me to make the decision?

Milo: It’s your body, Gwen. I don’t have a say what you should do with your body–

Gwen: This isn’t just my baby–

Milo: *annoyed* Would it matter what I say in this situation though?

Gwen gets up from where she’s sitting and walks to her desk. Milo sighs, getting up to follow Gwen.

Milo: This is… all new to me, Gwen. Having any say in a decision like this feels wrong only because it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.

Gwen: Made up my mind?

Milo: You don’t want to keep the baby.

Gwen scrunches her eyebrows, hearing Milo finally saying the taboo thing out loud.

Gwen: Do you also not want to keep it?

Milo: Gwen, I can’t make that decision for you–

Gwen: *stern* Convince me why we shouldn’t keep it then.

Milo looks at Gwen, not understanding where she is going with this.

Milo: You just said the obvious reasons why we shouldn’t–

Gwen: But I’m not convinced.

Milo’s eyes widen, finally piecing together the true nature of this serious talk.

Milo: You… want to keep the baby?

Gwen doesn’t say anything right away; she ponders her answer before speaking. She finally turns her chair to face Milo.

Gwen: I know it’s not the right decision… but… getting rid of it also doesn’t feel right either. What if this is a sign?

Milo: A sign?

Gwen: What if I don’t get the chance to have a baby when I get older? What if this baby happened for a reason?

Milo: Gwen, you’re talking in riddles now.

Gwen: *sighs* What if this baby happened because this is the only chance I’ll ever have to have a baby? It’s like… the universe is telling me it had to happen now because I won’t be able to do it in the future?

Milo takes a moment to understand what Gwen is trying to say. He hates hearing her talk about her life as if it’s ending, but understands why she views it in such way. He understands why she’s viewing this in the same way as well.

Gwen: But… I can’t make this decision alone, Milo. I can’t make this decision knowing that you don’t want the same thing.

Before Milo has time to think and come up with an answer, Gwen’s mother knocks on the bedroom door before entering. The two teens separate from each other, creating some distance before her mother sees them.

Beth: Dinner’s ready if you both want to come down and eat.

Gwen looks at Milo and puts a smile on her face.

Gwen: Would you like to stay for dinner, Milo?

Milo takes a moment to answer. He sees just how scared Gwen is, and how hard she is trying to hide it from the outside world. In this moment, he feels the need to protect not only her, but their baby as well.

Milo: Sure.

Gwen gets up from her seat and begins to walk out of her bedroom door. Milo follows, closing her door behind them.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 8: A Voiceless Rant, 2025 Edition.

December 21, 2025November 27, 2025 liz

Another year, another post to just throw out some random thoughts on a screen and label it as a rant. Yes, if you haven’t guessed it already by the title, this is the 2025 edition of:

I feel like the older I get, the less inclined I am to actually express myself (personally) in my blog writing. Sure, we have Overexposed as a series, but I find myself very much enjoying having the ability to share what I want to share versus what I don’t. This doesn’t mean I’m not a writer anymore, it just means that my inspiration and my focus is more on the stories I write, telling the stories of the different characters that live in my brain for most of the day.

The most I’ve shared about myself was my OCD diagnosis, which is something that I chose to share for the sake of being transparent and authentic with myself. Like I previously spoke about, it’s been a challenge understanding how this diagnosis looks like on me, and in the process of learning and being more aware of my rituals, compulsions, and rumination, it’s very apparent that all of those are mental for me. I learned a lot about myself in this journey, not even realizing that the inner voice in my head that never shuts up is a OCD symptom. Needless to say, this is something that I am still learning about, all while “unlearning” the techniques and mechanisms, disguised as OCD.

I was worried that this new diagnosis would mentally put me in the place I was in when I first started therapy, and using my anxiety diagnosis as the bible to explain why I was the way I was. It hindered my progress, and it really wasn’t until a couple of years later that I figured out how anxiety looked on me. In an ironic way, it’s my OCD fearing that because of this new diagnosis, I will treat it as a crutch as I did with previous diagnosis’. I know it’s a ridiculous thought, but it feels real, and OCD strives on thoughts that feel real. I am (still) learning that every thought is just a thought, whether or not it’s fake or real. I am (also still) learning that not everything I struggle with is stemmed with OCD, and that things that are currently happening and real need to be processed correctly. In a nutshell, my belief that emotional processing will cause me to spiral out of control was an OCD thought that developed through a traumatic experience.

One of my compulsions is hair pulling. Not only does it stress me out that I do it and know that it’s a body repetitive focused behavior, but I have trained my brain that pulling my hair allows my mind to escape the real situations and real emotions I am currently going through. For me, it’s dealing with the “mental changes” from young adulthood to adulthood, battling with themes and feelings that are very new in this body.

As I write this, I am trying to be more discipline with myself. Knowing myself, I am trying to quit cold turkey with hair pulling. I’ve tried looking at it in a different perspective, replacing the behavior with something similar; everything. After many discussions with different professionals about my hair pulling, I am at the stage where I’ve gained awareness of the behavior, but have not strictly stopped myself from doing the behavior. While it’s not ideal to quit turkey since this is a behavior, not a habit, I am trying to control the situation by visibly seeing this huge STOP sign in my mind when I find myself wanting to pull, or mindlessly pull. So far, it’s been going well with some moments of me looking at my hair and pulling and going, “oh shit, you’re doing it again.”

I have tons of goals for myself entering 2026 related to this. So far, I have not cut my hair short out of impulse, and I’ve been letting my eyebrows grow (again) after they burned off with bleach.

“Oh, what makes this attempt to grow out your hair and eyebrows any different than the last couple of times?” I wasn’t aware that even this thought was OCD driven.

What makes this time different is now I have the resources needed to at least try something different. I am able to take note of the places and time of day when I am prone to pulling my hair. I am able to take a step back and think what truly is the underlying issue causing these urges to pull.

Of course, there’s always a chance I will need to revise my plan, and be okay knowing the fact that it may not work. There’s always a chance I will pull and not know how to get myself out of it. There’s always a chance that the guilt and shame of relapsing will drive my need to continue to pull. There’s always a chance that this time may be like the other times in the past. But, at least I can say that I tried, and am actively trying to break the cycle.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 7: Just the Beginning of the End: A Dual Monologue.

December 20, 2025October 24, 2025 liz

And here we were; the final week of my freshman year.

I sit in the band ensemble, watching this year’s 12th grade class in their caps and gowns and walking as we play “Pomp and Circumstance”. I watch the principal of Waverly call out every graduate’s name as they walked across the stage, receiving their diploma. It’s crazy to think that I’ll be there in a couple of years; experience under my belt, possibly a great college ready to attend later that Fall, and… God knows where Sophie and I will be.

The longer Sophie didn’t speak to me, the more I regret ever going that far with her. Everything changed once we both decided to be each other’s first. I still think back to that day, conflicted whether or not I’m thinking about it because it’s a bad memory or because I would do it all over again just to feel her that close to me again.

Maybe she’s not avoiding the conversation; she could just be super busy these days. Maybe she just hasn’t had time to hang out… or talk… or anything, really. I was so deep in thought that I also missed my cue to the song again, watching the graduates leave the auditorium as newly high-school graduates.

…

“Yo, Milo!” I hear a girl’s voice call out down the West Wing. I turned around to see it was Veronica; Ronnie for short. I was surprised to have one of Mollie’s friends come up to talk to me.

“Hey, Ronnie,” I said once she got close. She was carrying her clarinet case in one hand, and her music binder in another. “You need a hand, or…?”

“Please,” Ronnie said, handing me her 95-pound binder. I thought dual majors had the encyclopedia sized binders. “Got kicked out of the West Wing for eating my lunch before practicing.”

“You know you can’t eat in those rooms,” I laughed. Ronnie rolled her eyes as she put her lunch back in her bag, followed by the binder. “Your binder weighs a ton, by the way.”

“Thanks, I didn’t realize,” she said in a sarcastic way, adjusting her strap on her backpack. “Make sure you’re fed and hydrated as fuck before going in those rooms; they watch you like a damn hawk in them.” I laughed, completely agreeing with her.

“Noted,” I smiled as I said. Ronnie smiled back at me before picking up her case from the ground.

“I should get going,” Ronnie mentioned. “Thanks again for helping me with my things.”

“Anytime,” I said. I wanted to ask her how Mollie was doing, considering she was now the closest thing to Mollie besides Aaron. I vote against it, not wanting to change the mood or make her feel comfortable. “I’ll see you in Harrison’s class?”

“Sadly,” Ronnie responded, huffing and puffing. “That man needs to take a day off for once; I would love to not have to play this damn instrument today.”

“Felt that,” I said, turning around to walk towards the West Wing. I finally walk past the room that I knew Sophie would be in. She’s a creature of habit. I looked through the small window and see Sophie working on something. I knock on the door, which startles her and closes what she was writing on.

“Hey, Scout,” I said as I opened the door.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” She immediately asked as she adjusted herself.

“Clearly looking for you,” I jokingly said with a smile. “I feel like we haven’t hung out in a long time.”

“Well, we are in school,” Sophie emphasized.

“And?” I said, getting a bit annoyed at how dismissive she was being.

“And we have things to focus on,” Sophie responded back. “Our last NYSSMA rehearsal before the competition was embarrassing.” Sophie began to pack her things up, and at this point, I was tired of beating around the bush.

“Sophie,” I sternly said. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Doing whatever you’re trying to do,” I replied, now serious. “You keep avoiding me like I did something wrong to you. I would rather you just talk to me about it.”

“Talk about what, exactly?” Sophie began to argue.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Sophie! How do you think it makes me feel knowing that my first time possibly ruined our friendship? I’m here trying to figure out if what we did was a mistake or—”

“It’s always about how you feel, Milo!” Sophie interrupted. “It’s always about you wanting to talk things out when you feel like it. You only want to talk things out last week because you didn’t want this to affect your performance. Now that we have our NYSSMA competition, you want to talk things out so that you play well without any interruptions. You always want to do things your way without ever considering what other people want to do.”

“Then what the hell do you want to do?” I start to shout, growing frustrated at her. “Because it’s sounding like you just want to brush things under the rug like it never happened! Newsflash, Sophie: it did! It happened, we did it, and it ruined our friendship—”

“You ruined our friendship!” I stood up and shouted at Milo.

“Me?!”

“Yes, you! You broke all of the trust I built with you to the point that when I was at my most vulnerable, you took advantage of it for your own agenda!” I was hearing the words coming out of Sophie’s mouth, but I couldn’t understand what she was talking about.

“Were you busy listening to Allen again?’ I scoffed, trying to find some plausible meaning behind that she was talking about.

“What does Allen have to do with this?” Sophie questioned, tilting her head to the side.

“All of a sudden you guys are friends or something? Since when do you talk to Allen Pagani?” I scoffed, questioning Sophie. “You seriously will believe what everyone else says and never me–“

“Allen told me what you told Mollie,” Sophie admitted. “Mollie told Aaron and now Aaron is telling everyone what we did out of spite.” I felt my heart drop straight down my chest and into my stomach. Sophie knows I told Mollie.

“Sophie,” I tried to explain, but she wasn’t having it. She gathered her things, getting ready to leave the rehearsal room.

“Save it,” she finally looks at me in my eyes. I could see just how much this is affecting her. All because I trusted Mollie. “I have other things to focus on.” I looked down in her hands and noticed a folder in them. It’s not hard to recognize the infamous school logo from Julliard on it. I looked up at her as she turned around to exit the room. She got it. She got the Julliard recruitment folder.

…

“Last but certainly not least, we have one of our dancers in our senior division performing a piece for our showcase,” Jennifer began to say. “It’s been an honor to not only have trained such a hardworking, dedicated dancer, but to have seen her grow into the young woman she is today. Please give a round of applause to my sister, Mollie Sue Castro.”

I entered the small stage and see a couple dozen of people sitting in the audience. Parents of other dancers, friends of them as well. I see my own mom in the audience with Alex, smiling from ear to ear. I see my other older sister, Maryette, and her boyfriend Dennis cheering loudly. I see Mr. Kamalani with Micah and the twin girls, staring and smiling at Jennifer. I see Aaron all the way in the back, smiling as I entered the stage and got into my starting position.

My hair is down and curly, and my dance outfit is red, sequin, and reflecting off of the lights from the stage. The music begins to play, and I immediately start dancing.

“That’s… whoa,” Aaron said as I walked out of the fitting room, wearing the red dance outfit. “Red is definitely your color.”

“Jennifer wants me to look like a skinny fire flame on stage,” I said, looking in the dressing room mirror. “What was she thinking picking this hue of red out of all of them?”

“It’s supposed to resemble a fire flame,” Aaron got up from his seat and walked over to me, looking at me in the mirror. He kisses me on the cheek before resting his chin on my shoulder. “I think you look beautiful, Mols.”

“Oh stop,” I playfully teased Aaron, smacking him on his shoulder as I turn around. He smiles at me, holding me now around the waist. I gestured the tailor to come into the fitting room area. “This is perfect.”

We ended up going to the pizza parlor for lunch since it was on our way home. Aaron sits across from me, drinking his cola straight from the can.

“So what time is your dance showcase?” Aaron asked. I rolled my eyes having to answer this question again.

“Babe, I told you like 15 times; it’s at 7PM,” I said, taking a slice of pizza from the box. “You’re starting to make me think you have some short term memory loss or something.”

“I just want to be extra sure,” Aaron said as he opened up his calendar app on his phone. It was shocking to see just how many things he has on that calendar to begin with. He begins typing in a new event for this Saturday in the 7PM slot.

“You have something to do before the show?” I asked Aaron after looking at his calendar. He looks up once he’s finished putting my show on his calendar, like it was a scheduled meeting or something.

“Dean called for an emergency manager’s meeting,” Aaron said, finally taking a slice of pizza to eat.

“What for?” I asked. Aaron just shook his head as he ate his food.

“Nothing for you to worry about, babe,” Aaron said, looking down at his phone when it pings a new notification. He checks it before turning the screen off and looks back up. “That’s Dean’s way of saying that I have to be there when really it’s just us chilling.”

“You and Dean have been hanging out a lot lately,” I pointed out, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

“He’s literally my manager, Mols.”

“Yeah, but is there a reason why he has you cutting our hang out time for some unnecessary meeting?” I crossed my arms and looked at Aaron. He rolls his eyes in a dismissive way.

“Once you have a manager for your dance career, you’ll understand the importance of having meetings with them,” Aaron commented.

“Yeah, her name is my sister,” I spat back. Aaron looked up at me, clearly feeling the tension in my words.

“Is she going to be ‘your manager’ forever?”

“What are you trying to imply Aaron?” I was now growing annoyed with him.

“I’m just saying; if you’re going to take dance seriously, you need to take it seriously, like, now.” Aaron forcefully said. It was like I was talking to a business partner, yet alone my own boyfriend. I looked down at my hands, trying to hide the embarrassment on my face. I hear Aaron sigh. “Mols.”

“Clearly you know my dance career better than me,” I commented back, rolling my eyes at him.

“I’m just looking out for you,” Aaron defended. “I know how much dance means to you, and I know just how good you’re at it. I want you to not only just love what you do; you also have to be smart about it.” I don’t say anything else; I simply just didn’t want to at that point. Aaron reached out for my hands across the table. I finally look up at Aaron. Gosh. I can’t take those gentle eyes.

“I just want to spend quality time with my boyfriend,” I squeaked out, trying to hold back the tears. He rubs the top of my knuckles with his thumb for reassurance.

“I promise I will be at your show this weekend, then we can go out for a romantic night out.” Aaron gently said and smiled.

The music stops. I’m trying to catch my breath in the ending position as the audience applauds for me. All I can see in this moment is Aaron, standing and clapping his hands, smiling right at me.

…

“Aaron, where the hell are you even taking me?” I said, walking blindly with only Aaron as a source of direction. His hands cover the majority of my face, guiding me to stand in a certain spot. I opened my eyes and instantly know where we’re at. 318 Mt. Gomerary Place.

I turned back around and looked at Aaron. “This is the place where I first saw you perform.”

“It felt fitting to come here after seeing you dance for the first time tonight,” Aaron mentioned. We walk into the venue, which to my surprise is an actual lounge place when there’s no performances going on. We sit on the balcony level of the venue, looking down at the people sitting in the other tables. It was dim in here with only candlelight really being our source of light.

“Thanks for taking me out tonight,” I said to Aaron. He smiles and shifts in his chair, putting his hand on top of the table, over mine. “And of course, for coming to see me dance.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

“Very romantic of you,” I added and giggled, which made Aaron playfully roll his eyes.

“Anything for my girl,” Aaron picked up my hand and kissed it; I immediately felt the butterflies in my stomach. “This is also a thank you for being a part of my dual major performance for the showcase.” I shifted in my seat when Aaron mentioned the showcase. A lot was going on in my head during the performance, and I felt like I could’ve sung so much better than I actually did. On top of that, I felt a wave of guilt for not performing to the best of my ability, yet still being offered the Juilliard prospective students program instead of Aaron. This was his band, and I know just how upset he was hearing that students in Milo’s performance got it over him.

“You know you did just as great in your performance,” I reassured him. He exhaled loudly, as if the thought was choking him from the inside. “And there’s always going to be other opportunities to get recruited.”

“I’m just sad we won’t be doing it together,” Aaron commented. “It would’ve been cool if we got to hang out at Juilliard and pretend we’re college students.” I smiled at the thought, thinking about how life will be in the next couple of years. I can’t believe Freshman year is almost over.

“Do you think about life so far ahead? I can’t seem to remember what I currently have to do,” I said, laughing.

“It keeps me motivated,” Aaron began to explain. “It reminds me that I’m doing everything for a bigger cause.”

“Doesn’t that scare you?” Aaron looked at me before he answered my question. He seems like he was pondering the emotion in itself.

“Sometimes, but that’s just because the future is uncertain. But, if you’re actively working on something, it gives you some insight on how it will look like.” I stare at Aaron as he speaks. I wonder if he thinks about the past in order to be hopeful about the future. Does he remember where he was this time last year? Did he think he’d be sitting in here on a random day in May, celebrating with his girlfriend after her dance show?

“And your past doesn’t haunt you in the process?” I asked honestly. Aaron scrunched his brow, seeming caught off-guard with my question.

“The past is the past for a reason.”

“But doesn’t it affect the decisions you make in the present?”

“Does it for you?” he finally asked back, directing the conversation to me. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, not expecting the spotlight to be back on me. I was already in one just a couple of hours ago; I don’t need another one. “Mols?”

I nodded my head. “It makes things difficult.” I looked at Aaron, feeling completely safe with him in this moment. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs throughout our relationship, but no one outside of my family has ever made me feel as safe like Aaron. It was now my turn to exhale loudly, letting the thought choke itself out. “I was suicidal last year after a boy I really liked embarrassed me at a party. The whole school laughed at me, calling me the school slut and just… it was hard.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Aaron softly consulted. I shake my head, hoping it shook the thought away. It did nothing but make my eyes watery. Aaron reaches for the napkin on his side of the table, leaning to wipe my tears away. “Baby…”

“It’s okay… just… everything that has happened between me and Milo just… made it feel so similar. He accused me of doing something I never would even think of doing. It made me feel like I was being called out my name and… it’s stupid–“

“It’s not,” Aaron intervened. “You experienced a traumatic event, and the way you and Milo dealt with things made it feel real again. But it’s not real, because you’re handling it differently.”

“But what if I slip up? What if it gets to a point where I can’t handle it anymore and–“

“You have me, Mols,” Aaron mentioned. “I wouldn’t ever make you feel like you were the ugly things people have called you before, because they are not true. What is true is that you’re beautiful. Talented. Funny, Smart, Amazing and everything else that makes up Mollie. Everything that makes me love you.” It was then he leaned in and kissed me softly, underneath the candlelight on our table. When we’re done, I look directly into Aaron’s eyes.

“Thank you for seeing me,” I say out loud. “For loving me.” Aaron smiles back at me.

That was the same night Aaron and I finally did it. It. The same thing I gave Milo a hard time with when I found out. At this point, I don’t even care how he got to that point; I understand how he did, and that’s what scares me.

Milo is as love with Sophie as I am with Aaron. He will go to the depths of the earth if it meant he could spend the last days on it with her. I will do the absolute same for Aaron.

But it’s about if the feeling is mutual. That’s when it feels the most real.

-End-

The Unwritten Pages., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 6: That One August Day, Ten Years Later: Written as Milo.

December 19, 2025November 10, 2025 liz

“Milo!” I shouted across the apartment, packing a couple of snacks into Milo’s knapsack. I shook my head when I don’t get a response back.

It’s a noticeably hot, summer day today; the forecast says it’s going to be at least 95 degrees by the time it hits noon. I fan myself with an envelope left on the kitchen table, hoping to finally get this air conditioner to start working before then.

“Milo!”

“I’m coming!” I hear his voice shout from his room. I walked over to the closed door, opening it to see what was taking him so long. Milo turns around when he hears the door open.

“Dad!” Milo said, shocked. I couldn’t help but sigh seeing the state of his bedroom.

“Milo,” I began to say. “Didn’t I tell you that your room needed to be cleaned before you went to Mollie’s?”

“I couldn’t find my swimming shorts.”

“Bud, they are always in the same place every single year.”

“Not those shorts,” Milo emphasized. I couldn’t help but laugh; Milo has expressed the fact that the swim shorts his grandmother bought him one year were not meant for boys. Of course, Mollie was the one that made the revelation and brought it to Milo’s attention.

“Okay, that’s understandable,” I said before walking into his room as he gathered his things. “I expect this room to be cleaned as soon as I bring you back home.” Milo sighed as he grabbed his book bag from his bed, dragging it towards the exit of the room. It’s not easy being a single father to a nine-year old that tends to act like he’s nineteen.

…

I was grateful for Lydia still letting Milo around Mollie, her youngest daughter. Her and Milo were born just a month apart from each other, and since then they’ve been inseparable. After Pep and I’s falling out last year, I was glad that it didn’t affect Milo’s friendship with Mollie. Oh, to be a kid again when all you fought about with your best friend was who ate the last cookie in the bag at recess.

Leaving Milo with Mollie also gave me time to finish up any assignments for grad school, on top of grading papers for the vocal class I teach at Waverly. It’s a bit surreal to be working at the place where it all started, ten years ago as a freshman. It’s crazy how fast time flies as soon as you graduate from high school.

As I continued to work on some assignments for school, my phone rings. I sigh, knowing exactly who it is. “Hey, man.”

“Milo?” Danny said. “How’d you know it was me?”

“It was either going to be Nicki or you, and knowing just how pregnant your wife is, I doubt she wants to be bothered.” Nicki and Danny got engaged as soon as they graduated college in 2014. With the help of Nicki’s very successful and rich sister, they were able to plan the wedding and ceremony all in a year and a half. They got married last year in April, and it look like they waited no time to get pregnant with their first child.

“Dude,” Danny starts to say. “How’d the hell did you survive a pregnant woman at 15?! Doing it at 25 is seeming impossible!” I couldn’t help but laugh. Danny and I have always been like brothers, even if in the beginning of our friendship it wasn’t like that. It seems like these last couple of months I’ve become more of a OBGYN for him, telling him my experience being around a woman with child.

“I’m still trying to figure that out,” I replied, trying hard to remember what life was like before Milo was born. “How are you guys doing up in Valley Stream anyway?”

“Dude,” Danny begins his sentences with ‘dude’ when he’s going through it. “Between the soccer mom vans and the long drive thru lines through McDonald’s—”

“Wait, what does one have to do with the other?”

“You try having a hangry Nicki sitting in the passenger seat, craving a Big Mac with two fish patties instead of the beef patty and having the drive-thru worker look at her like she’s an alien or some shit.”

“It sounds like you have a lot on your hands,” I said, leaning back in my seat. “Meanwhile, I’m sitting here in my apartment kid-free for the whole day. Cherish these times, Danny.” He deadpans over the phone as I get up from my seat, walking to the balcony door and opening it.

“Yeah, yeah,” Danny dismissed. “You’re still coming to the baby shower next weekend, right?”

“Of course,” I answered, leaning on the railing of the balcony and looking out towards the neighborhood. “What kind of godfather would I be not showing up?”

“You’re still on this godfather thing,” Danny stated unenthusiastically stated instead of asking. “What’s text? You’re going to talk with an Italian accent and smoke a fat cigar?”

“I don’t know who you’re going to have to break the news to, but I’ve called dibs on godfather as soon as you guys told me you were expecting. Being ‘Uncle Milo’ isn’t enough!” Before Danny said anything else, I could Nicki shout from the back; possibly about her phone being used for this phone call. A little tussling was heard before I heard the phone go still. “Danny?”

“Please take Danny out of the house,” Nicki began to say. “I’m trying to organize all this shit in the nursery and he’s literally up my ass like—”

“Hi, Nic,” I finally said before she go too detailed.

“Hi, Milo,” she sighed as she answered. I smiled; I can only imagine how uncomfortable she’s been. Gwen was a lot to handle towards the end of her pregnancy with Milo, and a lot of that was just being uncomfortable all the time. “Can you please take Danny out for the day?”

“I sent my kid to his friend’s house already,” I teased, knowing what to expect as an answer.

“Just fucking take him, Milo!” She yelled. “For fuck’s sake, I’m just trying to get everything in order before this fucking baby shower and everything is hurting and I’m stressed and—” I hear her voice crack. Ah, yes; the hormones.

“Okay, okay; I’m sorry,” I quickly said before Nicki started to cry. “Tell your man to meet me at my place; we’ll go and do guy things while you get your mommy things done.”

“Thank you,” she simply said before shouting away from the phone. “Danny I will be fine! Go, before I divorce you for being too fucking annoying!” The phone hangs up and I can’t help but shake my head and laugh.

…

“Four hours?!” I repeated to the technician, who’s knee deep in the AC unit in my apartment. “You’re telling me this is going to take four hours to fix?”

“We have to turn off this circuit to access the mechanic causing the system to jam,” the technician said, grunting as he got up from the ground. “I would suggest finding a cooler spot to hang out in while we fix this.” As if this was some sort of 90’s sitcom, Danny arrives at my open front door, giving it a courtesy knock before looking into the apartment.

“Dude, it’s hot as fuck in here,” Danny pointed out. I held the bridge of my nose, letting out a deep sigh. I looked at the technician before speaking.

“Please call me when the AC is fixed; I’ll find some place to go in the meantime,” I said before gathering everything I needed in order to kill time. Danny follows me throughout the apartment before we both finally head on out on this hot, August day.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 5: Tape #51 – The Last Day of Freshman Year.

December 18, 2025November 10, 2025 liz

The final bell of the school year rings, which prompts the students of Waverly High to leave for the summer. Danny and Nicki walk out together, noticing that Jennifer is already outside, talking to some other people.

Nicki: *to Danny* When do you think she’s finally going to snap?

Danny: As soon as you mention his name.

The two teens walk down the steps together and toward Jennifer. As they get closer, Jennifer turns her head and smiles at them.

Jennifer: Hey, guys! You guys met my friends, right?

She points to three complete strangers. Nicki and Danny doesn’t say anything.

Nicki: I don’t belie–

Jennifer: Nicki, Danny; this is Michelle, Theresa, and E-Dot.

Danny: ‘E-Dot?’

E-Dot: Short for Edward.

Nicki: Oh! Like the Twilight book series?

E-Dot: *confused* Uhm… I guess…

An awkward pause between the group of teens; Jennifer clears her throat to break it.

Jennifer: I’ll see you guys at Nate’s studio later tonight!

The other teens wave goodbye to Jennifer and walk away. Jennifer turns around and faces Nicki and Danny.

Jennifer: You guys have anything to do tonight? We could all go to Nate’s together.

Nicki: Pep–

Jennifer: *ignores* It’ll be fun! Him and his brothers are gonna play some music and chill and his friends are–

Nicki: *stern* Pep.

Jennifer stops.

Jennifer: What?

Nicki doesn’t say anything. Danny intervenes.

Danny: Uhm… is everything okay with, uhm–

Nicki: Pep, you can’t just act like Milo doesn’t exist.

Jennifer: *annoyed* Who said anything about Milo?

Nicki: Exactly. One day you’re like oh-em-gee, we made up and are best friends again and now you cringe every time we mention Milo.

Jennifer: I’m allowed to change my mind.

Nicki: Just because he did something stupid that you weren’t involved in?

Danny’s head quickly turns to face Nicki.

Danny: Babe–

Jennifer: *getting mad* Nah, let Nicki speak her mind. *to Nicki* How would you feel if your best friend keeps this huge secret from you for months, acting like it’s nothing serious, and then misses your most important show of the season to tell me that he got some random chick pregnant?

Nicki: Gwen isn’t just some random girl. She’s a girl in his section in band–

Jennifer: She’s random to us, Nicki! When has Milo ever introduced Gwen to us as his friend? If he had time to lose his virginity with her, he had time to introduce her to the important people in his life!

Danny: Maybe he felt like he couldn’t.

Nicki: Babe–

Jennifer: *defensive* I’m starting you feel like you guys are taking Milo’s side in this.

Nicki: *annoyed* This isn’t about taking sides!

Jennifer: You either agree with what he’s done, or you don’t–

Nicki: Just because I don’t agree with it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, Pep.

Nicki takes a moment.

Nicki: Milo was there for you when you were in this situation.

Jennifer: Real class act, Nic; bringing up the past I had with your boyfriend to prove a point–

Nicki: I don’t give a shit about that!

Danny rubs Nicki’s shoulder to calm her down.

Danny: Nic–

Jennifer starts walking away from the couple; Nicki follows her, and Danny follows Nicki.

Nicki: You can run away all you want from this, but if you want to continue to run away from your problems, then go right ahead–

Jennifer stops in place and turns around, causing Nicki and Danny to jolt in place.

Jennifer: Milo had every opportunity to tell me who Gwen was. Milo had the opportunity to bring this girl around and properly introduce us to her. Instead, he decided to keep her a secret; and for what?!

Danny: He was probably afraid you would say something negative about Gwen, especially if he likes her–

The girls turn around to face Danny.

Danny: I’m just saying.

Jennifer: So, we had to find out about a crush he has on a girl by telling us he got her pregnant?

Danny is speechless; Jennifer rolls her eyes and attempts to walk away. Nicki grabs Jennifer by the arm, stopping her to do so.

Nicki: We didn’t know Milo liked Gwen like that.

Jennifer: *confused* Like that?

Nicki: I had a feeling he liked her, but–

Jennifer: So you knew about this?

Nicki: Pep–

Jennifer: *mad* No! I’m sick and tired of everyone knowing what’s going on, and I’m in the dark being the last one to find out! What; does Milo flirt with Gwen in band class? Sit next to her and help her with her music and stares all loving at her and then acts like she’s ugly outside of class?

Nicki: It’s not even like that–

Jennifer: It feels like that; that’s my point. It feels like I was placed in the middle of a story, not knowing what happened before that. It feels like my own best friend, who was angry at me for not telling him the entire story about Danny and me, but then does the exact same thing. And you both knew something was going on between them and never told me.

Danny: Milo never said–

Nicki: It’s fine, Danny. *to Jennifer* You’re right. Milo did the exact same thing he was upset at you for doing. That’s not right, but what good is it to tell us how you’re feeling and not Milo himself? Would you have believed me or Danny if we told you we suspected Milo liked Gwen?

Nothing is said.

Nicki: Exactly, and even then; you know me well enough to know that I don’t tell other people’s business. That was not my story to tell you, Pep.

The bus across the street begins to pull up at the bus stop. Jennifer takes note of it.

Jennifer: I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow for practice; if there’s even still a band to practice for.

Jennifer runs across the street to catch the bus, leaving the teen couple standing on the other side of the sidewalk.

…

Milo opens the front door of his house, letting out a huge sigh. He drags his feet towards his room, taking the shortcut so that he doesn’t have to pass his parents in the kitchen and living room. He enters his bedroom and puts his bag on the floor and plops his back on the bed. There is a knock heard on the other door of his bedroom.

Elise: *outside of the door* Milo?

Milo squeezes his eyes shut before he gets up, opening the bedroom door. Once he does, he walks back to his bed.

Elise: How was your last day of school?

Milo: It was okay. Just chilled in our classes before getting dismissed.

Elise begins to pick up various pieces of clothing from the floor, and places it in Milo’s hamper.

Elise: I would’ve thought you were going to hang out at Jennifer’s after school.

Milo: I wasn’t really feeling good in school today so I just came straight home.

Elise: Oh, okay; well take it easy for today, and make sure to have everything put away when you’re feeling better—

Milo: Okay mom…

Elise: And don’t forget that those summer job applications are due later next week too, so try to finish them up and hand them in please—

Milo sits up from the bed, looking at his mother.

Milo: Why is dad forcing me to get this summer job anyway? The dual major program in Waverly is expecting us to work on some pieces before—

Elise: Your father doesn’t want you to sit around for two months doing nothing; especially if we’re called for a business trip in between school break.

Milo: *annoyed* So I can’t have a summer break, but you and dad can work in some foreign country for a couple of weeks?

Elise sighs before she smiles at Milo.

Elise: When you graduate high school and then college, you can decide where in the world you’d like to work from; for now, it’s here for Summer Youth.

Milo rolls his eyes as his mother walks out of his room with some laundry in a bin, closing the door behind her. Milo sighs and walks to his computer, signing onto AIM. Gwen’s screen-name is still logged off. He shuts his eyes closed, tight as if he’s trying to vanish the thoughts away from his head. He hovers Jennifer’s screen-name to see that her away message is some cryptic sad song lyrics. Milo sighs one last time before logging off of AIM himself, turning his computer monitor underneath his desk with his toe.

Milo gets up from his desk and walks to the mirror. He looks at himself, not recognizing the person in front of him.

Milo: *to his reflection* What the fuck am I supposed to do about this? How did this even happen–

Before he could finish his sentence, his father opens the bedroom door without knocking.

Milo: *annoyed* Dad, you’re suppose to knock–

Montrel: Your mom shouldn’t have to be doing your own laundry, son.

Milo: *defensive* I didn’t tell her to do my laundry, she came in here and–

Montrel: And those job applications? When am I going to hear that they were sent out?

Milo: I’m working on it, dad–

Montrel: I’m telling you now; you’re not sitting in this house all summer doing nothing; today isn’t an exception.

His dad closes the door, leaving Milo feeling frustrated. Milo grabs his house keys and a drawstring bag from his desk, exiting the bedroom door from the opposite end, out of sight from his parents.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 4: Sit with the Discomfort.

December 17, 2025November 16, 2025 liz

“The crossroads you described – not knowing which direction to go? That’s actually exactly where you need to be right now. You’re between the old identity that doesn’t work anymore and a new one you haven’t defined yet.”

The year is 2012, and an 18 year old Liz is crying on her bathroom floor, wishing to stop feeling everything all at once. All she wants is a quiet mind, because all of the things affecting her are things outside of her control. There’s no answer in fixing them. The morality beliefs, the fear of something bad happening to me or my family. The never-ending feeling of every single emotion that got me to this place. That Liz was suicidal. She had thoughts of standing in the middle of the street so that a car can hit her. She had thoughts of allowing all of the bad things happen to her because she felt like she deserved it. She lived in this mindset for years until one day she found a solution. Being selfish with herself.

What she didn’t realize was that she was even being selfish to herself, subconsciously limiting her access to get any deeper than the surface level of every worry and negative situation. She saw the change as being overprotective; to make sure that she would not ever fall back into the place she was sitting on that bathroom floor, alone and scared for the next day.

But the year is now 2025, and 31-year-old Liz is softer. Kinder to herself. On the path to break generational curses by knowing she deserved so much more than what she grew up around. The stoic and emotionless version she created doesn’t serve her purpose anymore. It’s now hurting her. So, where does she go from here? Does she continue to sacrifice herself and drown, or does she survive?

She survives, and survival sometimes means to be uncomfortable. To feel discomfort.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning to practice the art of discomfort.

Lemme explain.

In my short journey navigating what OCD looks like for me, I realized a lot of the internal (and external) work has been difficult because I’ve masked what I was truly feeling. I’ve explained in the past that in the last couple of years, I feel like there has been some sort of disconnect with my mind and body. I feel like I’ve done a lot of the mental work over the years, but I still didn’t have control over my behavior (or body) when things were happening that I had no control over.

Life since the COVID-19 pandemic drastically changed in my life, especially when it came to the relationships I had with those I grew up with. Getting older means that you start to see things for what they are, whether that’s being aware to the familial issues that you didn’t see as a kid, or the other adult-like problems that we didn’t have to worry about as kids or teenagers. The pandemic made it hard for society to develop and grow; it feels like it hindered us as a society, even years later. For me, it was changes within my family. It was changes with my own body, and it was changes with my psyche. I was no longer letting the surface level petty shit get to me like it would in the past, to be quite frank: I had bigger fish to fry. But, it doesn’t mean I was processing everything correctly. As a matter of fact, I learned the act of avoidance without ever having to teach myself, but now it serves no purpose in life. I have to feel the emotions in order to process them, even when they are extremely heavy to deal with in the first place.

Last night, I processed something for the first time in a really long time. It was one of the first times in awhile that I cried, and although that feeling sucked, I was still allowing myself to feel an emotion in order to process it. I didn’t need to find a solution to fix it or feel better, I just needed to be okay to feel it in its entirety.

I needed to realize that feeling the emotion was an option, and discomfort is a part of the process.

For me, this directly applies to my OCD and my core fear of inflated responsibility. “I need to find a solution to this so that everyone can feel better afterwards.” “I need to be strong for other people because they rely on me to feel better, or help give them some clarity on their issues. The fact of the matter is that thought process will always be impossible to satisfy, because I can’t control other people thoughts, beliefs, and actions. I am not a superhero, and I can’t fix, or save people. I can only be my own superhero, yet for years I’ve been my own villain in my story.

It’s not going to be easy to allow myself to sit in the discomfort. It’s going to feel like I’m doing something wrong, or that being uncomfortable in processing the emotions means I’m a bad person. It’s going to take tons of internal work to be okay of discomfort; whether that spectrum is fighting the urge to engage in hair pulling, or processing a distressing, or negative emotion.

See it through this lens: we think that avoidance is strength, that being nonchalant towards real situations is strength. What we fail to realize is that it’s a lot easier to avoid than to fully take things on without any certainty, and to sit in the discomfort of not knowing how things will turn out. That’s true strength.

I am leaving this year with a new outlook on adulthood, and how it looks like on me. I am in this in between space where my old self, my old “identity”, and the lessons I’ve learned in that stage of my life simply don’t work for me anymore. It means I am changing. I am growing, learning, and challenging these things, all while still trying to define who I am in this stage. I am sitting in discomfort, and it’s exactly where I need to be right now.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 3: A Little Bit Longer: A Sophie Monologue.

December 16, 2025October 22, 2025 liz

I let out a deep breath as I stand in line with my bandmates in the strings section. I nervously bounce my leg in place, waiting for Mr. Harrison to walk us onto the stage. I hear the audience clap for the performance before us, followed by the stage curtain to the backstage flip open. Two teens walk out with Aaron; it seems thrilled after his showcase performance. Mollie follows the boys afterwards, noticeably looking down towards the ground.

“Sophie!” I hear a boy’s voice call out my name. Thankfully, it wasn’t Milo, but surprisingly it was Allen.

“What’s up?” I asked as he shimmered his way down the line next to me.

“I just wanted to wish you good luck on the solo tonight,” he said, faintly smiling as he spoke. “I know I was against this whole thing but, it’s pretty exciting to be performing at a dual major showcase.” I nodded my head, hoping that the conversation ended there. It didn’t.

“Thanks, Allen,” I said, turning around back in place with my violin. I heard him clear his throat before he said anything else. I turned around, looking at him as if he had something to say to me.

“I know this will probably be our last time doing something like this, but I have to admit…” Allen took in a deep breath before he continued. “I think this is the first time this school year that I actually felt proud being in the strings ensemble.”

“Same here,” I faintly smiled, agreeing with Allen. “It’s definitely a change of scenery from the band room, right?”

“I just hope we could keep this momentum,” Allen commented, seeing a bit worried. “All I want is to get the same opportunities as the other majors in Waverly.” I nodded my head, agreeing with every word that Allen says. It was true; just seeing our individual names listed on the program felt good. It felt good to get some recognition after constantly being in the shadows of the other majors here at Waverly. Sure, half of that was because of Milo considering us to be in his showcase, but its because of us that we even were glanced at by a dual major… even if that dual major was the boy that I’m hopelessly in love with.

It hurt the longer I waited to speak up. The uncertainty in everything has tainted any sort of innocence Milo and I had. We were no longer just two middle schoolers working on a final project with each other. We were… two high school freshmen that aren’t in a relationship, yet did what we did in that treehouse. My relationship with Milo was complicated now, and I don’t know how to feel knowing that it will never be what it was with Milo again. He doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend. If he did, he would’ve asked me out months ago…

“We will,” I finally said to Allen, smiling at him. He smiled back at me, as if it was that exact moment that he realized I understood what it was like to feel like him. I understood what every strings bandmate felt like. For once, I was excited for us, not just Milo getting the standing ovation.

We finally begin walking onto the stage, behind the curtain that separates us from the audience. This will be the first time that tons of people will watch us. This will probably be the first time that a lot of Waverly students realize that we’re here. This is the first time we are finally being seen. Of course, I thank Milo for giving us this opportunity, but I thank us for being able to do what we’re about to do. I am my own person outside of Milo. My talents are more than just Milo’s to showcase.

I took a quick glance at Milo, frantically trying to get everything into place before the showcase begins. He doesn’t even look over to me to wish me good luck; not even a smile in my direction. I wonder if this was all just something Milo did to get his way. What if I was just a pawn in his game? What if everything that has happened was because he simply just wanted it in the moment? What if I thought I knew what type of person Milo truly was?

“Next on our program is one of the last band/vocal dual major showcases of the night. Also a part of our freshman ensemble and freshman choir is Milo Kamalani Jr with an arrangement performed by our very own freshman string orchestra. Please give a round of applause to Milo and the strings for “A Frigid Winter!” The curtain opens and the lights immediately hit our faces. I look over at center stage and finally see Milo up close. He’s wearing this maestro-looking jacket, standing straight with his arms up, ready to conduct. We all finally begin the song, and Milo enters with his vocals.

Milo capitates the stage in an almost theatrical way, playing towards the lyrics as an act in a way. He looks super hot on stage. For every chorus, Milo forcefully turned around and faced the strings, conducting the super fast part of it. For once, our section seemed cohesive. We played as if it was coming straight out of the studio. The “ooos” and “ahhhs” of the audience felt amazing; it meant that we were exceeding their expectations by a long shot. It meant that we were able to sound just as great as the other ensembles; the whole ensemble! It meant that Milo knew what he was talking about in getting us to perform in the first place. He was the only one that believed in us.

Milo begins to walk over to me, indicating that the solo part was coming up. He looked directly at me with those eyes, the ones where the tint of purple turn into the darkest shade of gray. They were the type of eyes Milo had whenever he felt passionate about something. They were the eyes he had the day we spent at the treehouse. Hungry. Yearning. Perplexed. Intrigued. I stand up from my seat, playing the solo of the bridge as Milo sang.

“You don’t know what you’ve woken, now all you see is a beast,” Milo sang as I played. The strings of my violin were making my fingertips red with each chord; it felt like I was going to draw blood in any moment of that solo.

It was the way his lip drew blood when I bit his lip with my teeth as we kissed. He pulled away for a moment, holding his lip with his fingers.

“Oh my–” I began to say, reaching for my bag for some tissues. “I am so sorry–“

“It’s alright,” Milo said as he wiped his lip with his hand. I immediately swatted his hand away from his face and dabbed the tissue on his lip. He did nothing but look at me with those eyes, barely reacting to the visible cut on his lip. “I can barely feel it.” I looked up at him, mesmerized by his glaze.

“That still doesn’t excuse my teeth thinking you’re some piece of meat,” I responded, still dabbing his lip. He slowly put his hand around my wrist, stopping me from continuing giving him aid. I try to fight it, seeing that blood was still coming from the little puncture hole. “I’m good, Scout.”

“A little bit longer,” I said, trying to put the tissue back on his lip. He’s way stronger than me, pulling my arm away from his face and pinned it against the wall of the treehouse. “Milo–“

“Just…a little bit…longer,” Milo dragged out the closer his lips got to my face. I could smell the vanilla flavored chap stick on him, resulting my frantic applying of it prior to seeing him. The smell was enticing on him. He gently kisses my lips before he deepened it; he was now the one biting my bottom lip.

“You never guessed this would be another side of me,” Milo sang out loud as he was looking at me. I was looking at him. He drags out the high note of the bridge, which means I’m now dragging the last note of this measure before it goes back to normal. He just kept looking at me, and I was completely taken over with his assertive in this situation. It was like he was telling me, “a little bit longer”. He finally ends that final note, gasping for air as he turns around towards the audience, and I sit back down in my seat. The audience reacts in a positive way, applauding as I finished the solo of the piece. It wasn’t long after that the piece finally ended, and as expected the audience loved it. Milo turns around and gestures us to take our bow. He quickly comes toward me, dragging me from my arm to stay standing and walk towards the center of the stage. He puts his arms out in my direction, prompting me to take another bow as the soloist. The audience roars in cheers, which completely takes me off guard. To hear people actually applaud for my violin playing was something I never thought I’d hear being at Waverly.

And of course, it was all because of Milo.

I make the same gesture toward him now, prompting him to take his bow for his unbelievable performance. I can see Milo’s family stand up from their seats, cheering as loud as they can in the school auditorium. I looked at Milo as he looked at me, and the curtain began to close in front of us. It was finally over. If only that moment lasted just a little bit longer. Maybe if we were on that stage for just a little bit longer, I wouldn’t feel this hollow feeling in my chest when he walks away from me, hi-fiving the other members of the string ensemble. As he should. So why do I feel completely empty now?

…

“Ms. Lee,” Mr. Harrison called out as he entered the band room. The other members of the band looked in my direction, unaware of what was happening. “You guys did great tonight,” he commented towards the other students. “Make sure you guys practice that other piece for NYSSMA next week; we will be hopping right on that tomorrow.” The other students grabbed their things and left the room. Mr. Harrison finally put his attention onto me. “I wanted to speak to you before you go home for the night.”

“Is everything okay? Did I mess up on one of the chords on stage or something?” I begin to worry, not knowing why Mr. Harrison would possibly need to talk to me after a performance.

“Quite opposite actually,” Mr. Harrison sits at his desk; I sit in the chair across from it. “We had gotten word that one of the recruiters were interested in one of the students in Milo’s number.”

“Milo got recruited?” I immediately assumed, considering it was his showcase performance. “That’s so exciting, but–“

“No,” Mr. Harrison interrupted me as she responded. “They were interested in you.” He hands me a folder of papers; the folder has a Julliard school logo on it. Julliard?!

“Wait, what?” I shot my head up, looking at Mr. Harrison. “Julliard?”

“They would like for you to join their prospective students program where you would train with their faculty in preparation for admission auditions when you’re a senior. They spoke highly of your performance tonight.” Mr. Harrison looks at me and folds his hands on his desk. “I think this would be a great opportunity for you, Ms. Lee. Not only will it build your confidence in your skill, but it will force you to continue working towards something that not many students are thinking of as freshmen.”

“Not thinking of?”

“College,” he clarified. “You’ve been one of the only students in my freshman class to have asked about music programs in different colleges. Consider this opportunity a reward to your hard work and dedication.” I felt like the smile on my face is glued on my face. Was this really happening? Was I actually good enough for someone important to recognize? Was I actually good enough for anyone?

“Thank you so much, Mr. Harrison,” I quicky said as I get up from the chair. I was so excited that I found myself racing to the front door and anticipate sharing this news with–

Milo.

“Mr. Harrison?” I said as I turn around. “Was I the only one the Julliard representative was interested in?” He had to have spoken to Milo. He had to have told Milo that he was recruited for this program.

“Just you and another student,” he answered. I finally walked out of the band room, trying to replay the sequence of events that just transpired. I was grateful that I was given this opportunity, but guilty that I got it through Milo’s own performance. At least another student also got the folder too.

…

“Hey Soph,” I hear Allen say to me. I turned around and waved at him. He surprisingly sits in the seat next to me in the band room, as if he actually wants to have a conversation with me. “You did great last night at the showcase.”

“Thanks,” I said as I took my binder out of my backpack getting ready for class to start. “It was cool to see people react to our performance for once.”

“It felt good,” Allen added. “To be seen for once.” I looked at Allen, nodding my head. It was exactly how I felt about the strings section. It was nice to experience the same exact feeling as someone who gets it.

“And heard,” I added. “I’m sure we’ll get more opportunities like that.” Allen nodded his head in agreement.

“And you have a direct connection too,” Allen mentioned. I tilted my head, confused now.

“What do you mean?”

“Milo Kamalani,” he replied. “Being friends with benefits with a dual major has its benefits.”

“What?!” I turned my head quickly toward Allen. “What are you talking about?” Allen looks at me as if he just said something he shouldn’t have said out loud.

“I mean, you didn’t hear this from me, but when you were at the graduation earlier, Aaron Serrano was being… Aaron Serrano. He was going on about how people were only talking about the strings at the showcase.” I swallowed hard, fearing the absolute worst. He wouldn’t have–

“And he mentioned you and Milo,” Allen continued to explain. “He said something like, oh Sophie only got the solo because she’s–” Allen looked at me, probably noticing how horrified I look right now. “It’s none of my business, but I felt like you needed to know that was being said about you.”

He did.

Allen gives me a tight smile before clearing his throat, getting up from his seat. That’s when I see it in Allen’s hands. The folder with the Julliard folder.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 2: Top 5 Songs of 2025!

December 15, 2025November 26, 2025 liz

Dear, Readers – welcome to day 2 of Lizmas!

Before I say anything else, let me put out this disclaimer: my relationship with music has drastically changed. I don’t know if I officially got to the age where most of my playlist is considered “oldies”, but I cannot get myself to like mainstream music currently. There are some artists I still follow that release new music, but as for listening to new albums and all of that… well, it’s a top 5 song list instead of top 5 albums.

But! We stick to tradition around here, and we are going to talk about the top 5 songs I personally liked that was released in 2025.

That intro was short and sweet (no pun intended), so without further ado: let’s start this list!

5.) “Icarus” – Shadow Academy

This song was an unexpected find during this year, but came into my life during a time I was internally struggling with my OCD diagnosis. Danny Avidan (or Danny from Game Grumps) and Jim Roach make up the band “Shadow Academy”, and their music is on the opposite spectrum of genre that we are used to hearing. It’s a more serious band, with the genre falling under more alternative and indie.

Dan’s singing voice has always been smoothing and nostalgic in my opinion. His tone reflects his admiration for 80’s music; it’s smooth, and doesn’t strain when it hits notes higher than his usual range.

“Icarus”, for those not familiar with Greek mythology (aka, me) was a figure known to have traveled too close to the sun, and tells the story of the consequences behind overachievement and ambition. For me, the song definitely portrays that story: where do you go once you’ve everything you wanted to accomplish as a person, but still don’t feel complete? This summer, I found myself going through that thought process, and this song got me through a lot of the difficult thoughts and conversations regarding my OCD diagnosis. I still find myself listening to this song on days where I need to be reminded that there is a balance needed in life.

4.) “White Cat” – Yves

I don’t know the name of the company that Yves is under, but whatever voodoo they did to Yves image and music is a literal genius. I feel like she was previously on a list of my music favorites, but if I didn’t: Yves was a member of Blockberry Creative’s 12-member girl group, LOONA. After the members successfully terminated their contracts with the company, many of them went their separate ways, and some decided to remain as a group under a new music company. Yves, being one of the members that chose to go solo, as (in my opinion) the most potential to be an international solo artist. Her music is just different, and doing something that most a lot of soloists are doing. The imagery of the music videos and the sound engineering used has been unique and very outside of the box. Personally, she’s been a consistent favorite of mine since her first release, “Loop”, last year.

This song has been on repeat since it hit my playlist! Her voice and melody of the music almost melt together in a way, which makes my ears very happy. Sure, I still wonder what the song is actually about, but who cares! It’s good music, and it would’ve been a crime if it wasn’t on my list for this year.

3.) “Smashing Concrete” – WOODZ

When I tell you I was so excited to see that WOODZ was back from the military making music (!!!) it felt like it was 2023 all over again, crying over “Drowning” being performed at his concert. When X1 first disbanded in early 2020, WOODZ made his “unofficial official” solo debut (he was a soloist prior to being on Produce X 101) later that summer, having more of a true “K-pop solo artist” type of sound. He has always been the type of artist to experiment with different sounds, and no two songs sound alike on that album. His later albums sort of stepped away from that K-pop sound and into a K-R&B one, to then a K-Rock sound. His rock sound has been my absolute favorite simply because he has the vocal pipes for them.

I’m so excited that WOODZ is back making music, and I look forward to see what he comes up with in the future. WOODZ was my first ult bias (before Seungsik came along), and has been an artist I enjoyed because of the sheer talent he has. Not only does he sing, he composes, produces, and writes his own music. To me (and I know many other people agree), WOODZ is one of those special artists; one that puts their stamp on the industry and is notable when not in it.

2.) “LIKE JENNIE” – Jennie

Dare I say this is the only song on this list from my July top 5 list? If I had to pick a favorite album that was released in 2025, Jennie’s Ruby would be my first answer. Jennie, being known as one of the members of K-pop girl group BLACKPINK, made her solo debut (under her own company, btw) in March 2025. When she teased “Like Jennie” in her highlight medley for her album, the internet simultaneously gagged. It was a song that was truly fitting to Jennie’s sound and image, going back to her rapping days on possibly one of the sickest beats in a song this year.

With this popularity comes people with their opinionated judgement, constantly commenting on something she says or does. She never publicly responded until releasing this song, which was pretty much like a fuck you to the people who talk about her. Because it’s true; everyone finds themselves comparing their standard in K-pop popularity to Jennie’s.

Also, don’t anybody come for me for saying this, but her album (to me) was the album out of all the BLACKPINK girlies that became an instant hit at first listen. Seriously, it’s such a good album!

1.) “Here All Night” – Demi Lovato

Since being 14 years old, listening to Demi singing her ass off on Disney in 2008, I always felt like she would become my next favorite artist. (Of course, Kelly Clarkson will forever be my main). Demi has also been an artist that had tried different genres throughout her career: pop-rock, pop, dance, R&B, rock; you name it. Her 2022 release, Holy Fvck, was my number 1 pick that year, as I always enjoyed Demi’s rock sound. I even went to her concert later that year, experiencing for the first time hearing her vocals live. With that album, she discussed a lot of her struggles from over the years: her drug abuse, overdose, and thoughts on what life has felt like since being sober. It was like listening to her own personal journal at the time, so when her got lighter with support, new management, and found love, it was understandable that her music would be more upbeat, going back to her pop days after metaphorically holding a funeral for her pop music.

“Here All Night”, Demi’s second single from her recent release It’s Not That Deep is a fun, dance-pop song. The lyrics paint this picture of a person who, for lack of a better term, was ghosted by the person they were romantically connected with, and to get over the heartbreak, they go to the club to dance all night, hoping the music makes them feel better. Even after listening to her entire album, this song is still my favorite, and I cannot wait to see her again on tour in Spring 2026!

There was so many good songs that didn’t make it to this list, so here are the honorable mentions of 2025:

“THIS IS FOR” – TWICE
“Perfectly Imperfect” – Kang Seungsik
“Summer” – Lim Sejun
“House Tour” – Sabrina Carpenter
“Can You Entertain?” – Kim Lip
“BURNING UP” – MEOVV
“Blue Valentine” – NMIXX
“Gameboy” – KATSEYE
“Abracadabra” – Lady Gaga
“BEBE” – STAYC
“No Need To Talk” – Jonas Brothers
“GALA” – XG
“ExtraL” – Jennie (feat. Doechii)
“ZEN – Jennie
“JUMP” – BLACKPINK
“Gnarly” – KATSEYE
“Manchild” – Sabrina Carpenter
“out of body” – Khalid

Category: Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 12: The Summer We Didn’t See Coming: Milo’s Journal.