Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024 – Letters From Liz.

It’s damp, and reeks of piss. I can’t help but hold my head and apply pressure to my temples to ease my pounding headache. Something has to be broken because something feels out of place in my body. I don’t remember much of what happened. The last thing I remember is getting punched in my stomach so hard that I was grasping for air, then everything went dark.

It was red, and then immediately went black.

I look around and notice just where I’m at, and it starts coming back to me. I’m in a fucking prison cell. I immediately get up from the hard bench and walk around the closed cage. What the fuck am I going to do to get myself out of this situation? What if I don’t get let out? What if I had to go to court to get a permanent sentence for nearly beating a man close to death? Is he going to be sentenced for nearly beating Rosie close to death? What if—

“Where is he?!” I hear a woman’s voice echo down the hall. “Where do you guys have him held up?!”

“Ma’am,” I hear one of the correctional officers say back to calm the situation. “He’s been in holding for—”

“Tell me where the fuck he is!” The woman shouts louder and I immediately know who it is. Fuck… mom.

“Pep,” I hear my dad say to my mom, trying to calm her down. Fuck, it really is mom.

“Tell me where my son is,” my mom’s voice demanded before I hear my father shout out her name. Before I could process everything going on, I finally see my mother run up to the holding cell. I immediately backed up, scared as shit seeing her in complete rage. Two officers begin to grab my mother’s arms to contain her. Fuck, what if she gets thrown in here for me for fucking up a correctional officer?

“Pep, please,” my father finally catches up to the cell. He glances at me before looking back before looking at mom. “Let her go; she’s okay!” My mom’s face sank as soon as she made eye contact with me.

“Micah,” she said as the officers let her go. She came close to the bars of the cell and stared at me.

“Can you confirm your son’s name and date of birth for us?” one of the officers asked my dad.

“Salem Micah Kamalani, July 8th, 2018,” my father answered. I couldn’t get my eyes off of my mom. She wasn’t crying, but she looked as if she could at any minute. She was silent the entire time, making the feeling of guilt even worse.

“We just need you to sign him out at the front desk–” the officer began to say before my mom finally spoke.

“I’ll do it,” she finally said, still looking at me. She finally turned away and followed the officers toward the front of the precinct. Once she was gone, I felt like I was able to finally breathe. My dad watched as she left before walking toward the cell.

“You have so much explaining to do when you get out of here,” he said in a stern voice. I didn’t say anything back; I didn’t want to get in even more trouble for talking back.

…

My father unlocked the front door to our apartment. A part of me was scared to enter the apartment and have the door close behind me. The night was still young, and my mother knew just how to make an argument feel like a lifetime when she’s mad. My mother walked into the apartment, putting her things down on the kitchen table. My older brother was sitting in the living room while his wife was in the kitchen area. Both of them looked at my mom before looking at me.

“Are the girls home?” my father said as he cleared his throat.

“They both should be coming home from Nathan’s show,” Milo answered.

“Emmie’s sleeping in your room if you don’t mind,” Sophie said to my mom. She nodded her head to acknowledge her statement, but doesn’t say anything else.

“And Summer?” my father asked.

“Sleeping in the girls’ room,” Sophie answered.

“Did you guys get to eat?” he asked Milo and Sophie. “You didn’t have to wait–“

“You didn’t have to wait for us to, you know, pick up your delinquent brother from prison,” my mom finally said before looking at me.

“Prison?” Sophie repeated in shock before looking at me.

“Right?” my mom scoffed as she answered. “Sorry we couldn’t have dinner as we planned because Micah decided he wanted to go to prison tonight!”

“Yeah, because I totally wanted to spend my night there,” I spat back, getting annoyed.

“You shut up!” my mother pointed at me and said. “You have no right speaking in the position you are currently in!”

“Maybe if you spoke to be like a decent human being, you would understand how I ended up in bookings in the first place!” I shouted back at my mom.

“A misdemeanor is something that a decent human being wouldn’t be charged with!” she yelled back, now even angrier. “Seriously Micah, you’re trying to talk yourself out of something that was so severe, we had to pick you up from a precinct that you were being held in–“

“You’re acting like I killed someone!” I shouted angrily at my mom.

“You got into a physical altercation with a billionaire’s son! What makes you think they are not going to bring you to court to charge you for a criminal defense?! Did you not think that through?” I looked at my mother, angry that she’d put this on me. She didn’t know the entire story. Would it even matter if she did at this point?

My mother was always extremely hard on me when it came to doing the right thing. She had expectations for me that I feel like she didn’t have with my brother or sisters. Every time I got in trouble for something, it was the end of the world for my mother. I was tired of the unfair treatment, and I honestly didn’t understand what made me different.

“Maybe that billionaire’s son has something to hide,” I spat back. “Did anybody even bother to grab my equipment from the party?” My mother began to laugh.

“You’re more worried about your stupid equipment than your arrest; classic,” my mom commented, obviously being sarcastic. “No matter what I say, it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other, so why do I bother?”

“That ‘stupid’ equipment is my livelihood, mom,” I defended myself, annoyed that she would downplay my gig. “That equipment is what’s getting me into–“

“Your livelihood is making sure you pass your classes and graduate with your degree, Micah!” my mom shouted out. “Was this whole project you had going on just some cover up to throw a party and score points with the popular crowd?”

“This was my project!” I yelled back, getting angry at my mom now. “For fuck’s sake mom, why is it when Milo or the girls got in trouble you were never this hard on them, but God forbid I go ahead and do something, and you act like it’s the end of the fucking world–“

“Because you’re the only one out of them that does reckless shit like this!” my mom admitted. “I have to be hard on you because if not, you would run out in the streets doing whatever the fuck you want!” I looked at my mother, not surprised in her words but shocked that she finally admitted it. She saw me as the problem child in her perfect family. She was hard on me because I didn’t act like the rest of the family. I didn’t conform into what my parents wanted me to do. I did my own thing, and in the end it left me being more of an outsider than anything else. My mom took in a deep breath before she spoke; she clearly was fighting back tears in her eyes. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself again.” Again. She’s talking about my suicide attempt a couple of years ago.

My mouth was tight shut. I was till so furious that my mom would treat me like a problem child because she saw me as one. Despite all this fluff of looking out for me and loving me… it didn’t feel like she did. It made me feel like I was their mistake this whole time, and the older I got, the more she took it out on me.

“Micah, mom is just trying to look out for you,” Milo started to explain. “She’s not out to get you or make you feel like you can’t do anything right–“

“I don’t remember you being a part of this conversation, bro,” I said to Milo, annoyed that he was budding into this conversation. “You don’t know how it feels to be in my position, so kindly you should shut the fuck up.”

“Micah,” my father finally chimed in.

“Dude, I grew up without my biological mom,” Milo began to say. I rolled my eyes, having known this exact story word-for-word by now. “Do you know how hard it was to see my siblings have both of their parents?”

“Sorry, I didn’t know we were now playing a game of ‘who got the most traumatic memories being a part of this fucking family’,” I said, turning around to walk toward my room.

“Yo, fuck you man,” Milo shouted, clearly feeling a type of way with what I was saying. “This is exactly why no one ever wants to get close to you. You think the world is out to get you when really there’s so many people trying to save you from doing stupid shit–“

“Worry about your own fucking family, dude,” I turned around and walked to my brother’s face. My dad finally got in between the both of us, trying to break things up between Milo and I. “Stop pretending to give a shit when clearly you never fucking did–“

“That’s enough!” my father shouted, silencing everyone in the living room. “Micah, just go.” I didn’t say anything else; I walked toward my bedroom door and slammed it shut, leaving my family out in the living room by themselves.

…

Someone was knocking on my bedroom door about an hour later; I didn’t want anything to do with anyone living in this house. Someone knocked on the door again; this time, a voice was talking to me.

“Micah,” I heard my dad’s voice. “It’s dad.” I rolled my eyes and got up from my seat, not having the energy to be rebellious in this moment. I opened the door and walked back to my desk, not paying my dad any mind as he entered my room. He closed the door behind him and sighed before he said anything to me.

“Can we talk?” he simply asked. I didn’t answer him back and he started walking towards me and sat at the edge of the bed, facing me at my desk. “I’m not here to fight with you.”

“Good, then leave,” I dismissed without even looking at him.

“Micah,” my father said gently. I didn’t answer him, but he adjusted in his seat and sighed once more. “Daniella has your equipment at her apartment. She and her boyfriend made sure they took your belongings before the party was shut down.”

“That’s reassuring,” I said, still not wanting to have a conversation with my dad.

“Micah, you got into some questionable things before in the past, but nothing that ever led to you being arrested,” my dad finally began to say. “Nothing that required us to play bail in order your you to get released.” Fuck. I felt bad that they had to spend money to get me out of a situation that I shouldn’t have ever been in in the first place. “Nothing that required stitches on your body. I need to know what happened so that–“

“So that what? You can feel better that your delinquent son has a reason in why he did what he did?” I spat back.

“Micah, the officers told your mom that you’re lucky the billionaire’s son isn’t pressing charges,” my dad explained. “And I want to know why he isn’t.”

“Dad,” I whined, turning my chair to now face him. “Does it matter? I was thrown in bookings, and he was able to get out free because he’s filthy rich.”

“I’m trying to save face for you, Micah,” my dad sternly stated. “Your mom was already on one, talking about possibly kicking you out.” I turned around to finally look at my dad in the face. Kick me out? Is that really her last resort in “handling” me?

“Then I guess I should make her wish come true.” I got up from my seat and walked to my closet, pulling out a suitcase buried underneath a pile of shoved clothes.

“Micah, please—”

“No!” I shouted, even angrier than before. “Maybe I’m tired of being the black fucking sheep in this family! Maybe I’m tired of being known as the problematic middle child that doesn’t conform to their family’s image. Maybe I am tired of seeing mom be so upset with the decisions I make and label me like some fucking psycho. Maybe I’m tired!” I stood there, pleading to my father who’s now staring at me dead in the face. I was never really that close to my dad; it seems like he was too busy trying to keep Milo in the right track growing up. After he left for college, his attention went to being the “overprotective girl dad”.

It was my mom that constantly had to keep track on me, so it hurts to hear my dad tell me she would be willing to kick me out of the house, despite everything we went through.

I don’t know when I started to cry, but it happened so fast that I didn’t even realize my dad pulled me in to a tight hug. We were never close when I was growing up, but this was the first time I could remember my dad comforting me.

Maybe he knew I needed it.

Day 11: A Reflection of 2024.

December 24, 2024December 23, 2024 liz

Entering my 30s this year meant saying goodbye to a decade of my life that was marked as one of the most challenging but life-altering decades of my life (not even my teenage years can compare. and those were rough). Upon entering 2024, I was about to start a decade of life that, even in its first year of being in it, would show me just how different things were now that I was in my 30s.

2023 was my transformative year. It was the year that I tied any loose ends to the things that challenged me throughout my 20s. I wanted to enter my 30s truly on a clean slate, and I was glad that I was entering 2024 with that mindset in gear.

But like everything in life, it doesn’t always go the way you attend it to go.

I entered 2024 celebrating my 30th birthday. It was the (second) time seeing palm trees in person, but my first time ever being in California. Despite the hiccups we had on this trip, it was nice to celebrate my birthday in a different state where, at the time, the weather was much more enjoyable than the NYC winter weather. Being on this trip solidified my desire to want to do more traveling in my 30s, something that I wanted to do in my 20s but didn’t get the chance to due to schooling and living through a pandemic. It gave me this sense of being okay leaving the nest. and that it was okay to leave it every once and a while in order to miss it. Nevertheless, after my trip from California, I knew I wanted the rest of my 30s to be spent doing all of the things I was either too afraid to do or couldn’t do; a big part of that is traveling.

I went to Atlantic City twice this year; once during the summer and the week before Halloween. Both were closer to home, but were much needed getaways as I continued to take on responsibilities at work more than ever.

A lot of my stress and anxiety this year came from just that, work. It was a different type of anxiety that I didn’t experience; many reason is that I was officially hired into my position earlier this year, which meant that I was now learning the pros and cons of working in higher education as an administrator.

This past year, I’ve been learning more than ever how to balance my work and personal life in times when I feel like I am nothing but my job. There were days that I felt great leaving the office and confident in the work that I do; others left me questioning if I was ever the right choice being in a position like this. It’s not hard work, but it’s not an easy job. More than ever, I am learning about my passion in higher education.

In 2024, I was constantly reminded of my own Masters Thesis from 2018 and how much I felt like things needed to change within the college classrooms. Now that I work beyond the classroom, I still find myself having that need to be the changing voice in my profession. Some things never change about you, no matter how long it’s been.

Despite being more involved in my job this year, this year was the first that I felt like I was being unapologetically myself. This year, I was comfortable to show a bit more of my personality in the workplace; I’ve learned it’s a blessing and a curse. By being open meant that I was learning the politics of higher education and just

In the process of getting hired permanently, I also challenged myself to take the NYS Notary exam in order to become a Notary for my job. I’ve learned, even being in my 30s, that some mindsets can’t change, and sometimes I feel like I like to ~~torture~~ challenge my abilities to do something outside of my comfort zone.

With New York administrating one of the hardest Notary exams in the country, I was shocked when I passed it on the first try. It was something that I worked extremely hard for in the short timespan I had.

In 2024, I also continued my solo adventures to going to different shows and events that I wanted to go to. Back in February (although not a solo adventure) I went to see Chicago on Broadway with my sister as part of her 2023 Christmas present. It was nice to spend time with them now that we both got our own things happening in our lives. In June, I continued to cross artists off of my concert bucket list and saw TXT at Madison Square Garden. While it was definitely the type of Kpop concert I normally would avoid due to the chaos it brings the more popular the group is, I was glad to even push my limit further to attend a show in an arena that big.

Continuing my journey of also challenging my social anxiety, I had more opportunities to go out to social events and actually socialize without feeling like I was awkward or being secretly judged. Of course, the tiny extrovert in me enjoy going to parties because they are fun; I grew up going to a lot of family parties where all I did was dance to the music all night. Of course, things changed as I got older, but I’ve been adamant in getting out of my head and live my life by doing everything my younger self would have loved doing. This year in particular was the first in which I actually did whatever I wanted to do and did not think about what others thought. That was one of the (better) things to come out of 2024 for my mental health: being in a place where I was able to be myself and not be my own worst enemy in the process.

2024 was the year of many adventures that came with a lot of learning experiences behind them. I’m learning that this new milestone in my life isn’t a death sentence to my youth. Someone put it best on social media: being 30 means that I’ve been an adult for 12 years, which means we’re still the kids of adults. We still have so much left to learn about life and about the things we enjoy and that make us who we are.

I’m excited to see what 2025 has in store for me. I feel like this past year was the sneak peek of my new milestone, which means that 31 is truly the start of this milestone in life.

2024, you’ve shown me a lot about my patience, passion, and resilience to the things that would’ve normally took me out. You’ve challenged me in ways that taught me life lessons that I was never face-to-face with before. You’ve shown me that while now being in this new decade of my life, I can still love and enjoy the things that truly make up my being, and be okay letting go of the things that don’t serve purpose for me anymore.

Most importantly, I learned that I don’t have to see life being told in chapters. I shouldn’t be afraid to close one off and start a new one without getting proper closure for the chapters that came before. I am learning truly how fast time goes, and I shouldn’t be wasting my time dwelling on chapters that already told it’s part of the story. In addition, I shouldn’t be afraid to allow new chapters to begin, even when I least expect them.

And I think that’s what I’m taking into 2025 with me.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 10: Baby’s 1st Serious Boyfriend: A Mollie Monologue.

December 23, 2024December 23, 2024 liz

I felt like I was more nervous than Aaron coming home from school today. I dreaded this afternoon for weeks now; it was finally the time that my family got to meet Aaron for the first time. My only experience around this was watching my older sister Maryette bring home Dennis to us a couple of years ago. I mean, that time was only different because she had announced that she was pregnant with Dennis’ kid, so at least I am walking into this with no huge surprise reveal coming their way.

Aaron held my hand as we walked down the block and turned onto mine. I felt the know in my stomach tighten up the closer we got to the house. I guess Aaron noticed it, especially when I intentionally got slower as we got closer.

“Mols,” Aaron finally said. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just… nervous,” I admitted, looking down the block and spotting my house.

“There’s nothing to be nervous about,” Aaron tried to reassure me. I looked at him, rolling my eyes at his response.

“Well obviously,” I began to say. “It’s not your family we’re meeting for the first time.”

“But don’t you think I should be the one nervous meeting your family?” Aaron pointed out. “I am dating the baby of the family.”

“I’m fifteen,” I spat back as Aaron and and teased me. “I think I’m passed being the baby of the family.”

“You’ll always be the baby though,” Aaron looked at me as he said. “My baby, too.” I smiled as he gently kissed me on the forehead. We continued to wake down the block where my house was. I took a deep breath before walking up the steps and taking my keys out from my jacket.

“Hey,” Aaron stopped me before I opened the door. I turned to look at him, wondering what was going on. “Everything’s going to be fine. Trust me.” I gave him a reassuring smile before I turned the doorknob and opened the front door. We’ll see.

I entered my house with Aaron. He begins to look around the living room as he handed me his jacket and book bag to put in the coat closet. The first person to enter the living room was Maryette, of course dragging in Dennis with her.

“Mollie Wollie!” Maryette called out for me, and I immediately feel this wave of embarrassment. I know that was her nickname for me, but to say it front of Aaron was so cringe.

“Hey Mars,” I said to Maryette, calling her by her nickname. I turned around to talk to Aaron. “Aaron, this is my sister Maryette; Maryette, this is my boyfriend, Aaron. ” Aaron held out his hand to shake Maryette’s. Since when was he so formal?

“Nice to meet you,” Aaron smiled as he shook Maryette’s hand.

“Nice to meet you as well,” Maryette greeted back. “This is my boyfriend, Dennis.” Aaron and Dennis gave each other the universal guy hand pound as they greeted each other. My sister and her boyfriend walk back towards the kitchen, which gives me just enough time to talk to Aaron. Of course, he immediately starts laughing when the two adults leave the room.

“Mollie Wollie?” Aaron teased. I nudged him on the shoulder as he continued to laugh.

“Shut up, that’s not funny!” I whispered at him in a stern way.

“Okay, okay; I;m sorry,” Aaron said before we both walked into the dining room area where the rest of my family was. Everyone turned their heads toward us once we entered the room. My mom and Alex were sitting at one end of the table, Milo and Jennifer were sitting towards the middle, and Maryette and Dennis sat at the other end. I immediately noticed that my nephew Micah and my twin nieces were with Jennifer; Milo was nowhere to be found. Interesting.

“Hi, Mollie,” my mom started the conversation. Everyone followed with a greeting for me and my company.

“Hi, uhm…” I began to clear my throat before I said anything further. I felt Aaron squeeze my hand slightly in the process. I looked at him, appreciating that he was next to me as I did this. “This is my boyfriend, Aaron.” Everyone greeted Aaron as soon as I introduced him to them. “Aaron, that is my mom Lydia, my stepdad Alex, you already met Maryette and Dennis, and that’s my oldest sister Jennifer and Milo.” We both started to walk toward the empty seats at the dining room table.

“Nice to meet everyone,” Aaron politely said. “And, to see again; hi, Mr. Kamalani.”

“Hi, Aaron,” Milo said to Aaron before he spoke to the rest of the table. “Aaron is in my freshman vocal choir with Mollie.”

“Oh,” my mom chimed in. “I thought you had a band, Aaron?” I squeezed my eyes shut. Mom, you’re not supposed to know that yet.

“Oh, I do,” Aaron began to explain. “I’m a dual majors at Waverly. I’m in both vocal and band.”

“Like Milo’ son,” Alex added. I looked at Jennifer and Milo for any sort of reaction. The frozen look on their face is all I needed to know that they were thinking the same thing as me. Don’t ever mention him in front of Aaron and I.

“But I do have a band outside of Waverly,” Aaron cleared his throat and continued. “Mollie comes in and rehearses with us from time to time.” He looked at me as he spoke, smiling once he finished. I couldn’t help but blush a little. Why was Aaron so good at talking to my family?

“Are you a part of it?” Jennifer aggressively asked, as if she was trying to piece together the puzzle of what my life has been like for the last couple of months. I looked at Jennifer trying to not show her that I was sweating. “Yes, Pep. I am a part of Aaron’s band.”

“That is so dope,” Maryette added in, hitting Dennis on the arm. “Why didn’t we do anything cute like that when we were dating in college?”

“What were we going to do? Perform scenes of Withering Heights as The Bowery?” Dennis asked. Jennifer laughed at Dennis’ joke as Maryette rolled her eyes. It made Aaron laugh as well.

“Milo,” my mom called for Mr. Kamalani. “Is Milo a part of this band too?”

“Mom,” I quickly said, getting annoyed with all this Milo conversation.

“My other band members are some of my childhood friends,” Aaron began to explain. “We added Mollie just recently because she has a voice that fits our style of music.” Seriously, how is Aaron so good at this?

“Oh,” my mom nodded as she let the topic go. Thank God. I was surprised at Aaron’s ability to just take everything my family is saying and acting completely normal. Nothing was making him uncomfortable or having him look at me differently. It made me feel as if he was being more mature than the actual adults in this room. Everything was going well until Jennifer started the conversation again.

“Did you know that Mollie dances?” she asked Aaron. Aaron nodded his head, now talking to my sister.

“I did,” he said as he looked at me. “She was practicing in one of the rehearsal rooms one day and accidentally walked in on her–“

“Oh, were you practicing the routine for our next show?” Jennifer asked as she looked at me. I know exactly what you’re trying to do.

“Me being in Aaron’s band does not take time away from me dancing,” I spat out. “Rehearsals with the band are on Thursdays–“

“And dance rehearsal is Mondays and Wednesdays,” Jennifer added. She laughs to herself before she continues the conversation. “No wonder you’re practicing your extracurricular activity during your lunch period. Where do you even have the time to do your schoolwork?” I was growing annoyed at Jennifer. It very much felt my own sister was taking Milo’s side when it came to my relationship with Aaron.

“I get it done,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I was getting angry.

“Do you both even have time to spend with each other?” Jennifer asked, taking a sip from her wine glass. “With your extracurricular activities combined, I’m just surprised that you two even have time to get to know each other as a couple, not just band mates.”

“Mollie and I spend a lot of time hanging out these days,” Aaron tried to have control of the conversation. Sadly, he doesn’t know how stubborn my sister can be.

“Without talking about band stuff?” Jennifer asked Aaron. This was the first time tonight that Aaron looked flustered. I hate that Jennifer would do something like this.

“Well,” Aaron began to answer the question before I cut him off.

“Pep, why are you so concerned about what my boyfriend and I do in our quality time?” I asked, not caring if I was coming off as rude.

“I’m not,” Jennifer started to answer. “I’m concerned about your time management.”

“Oh because I don’t make it to every single dumb dance rehearsal you have?” I spat back at my sister.

“Mols,” Aaron tried whispering to me. It was too late; I was fuming already and completely defensive of my relationship with Aaron.

“That, and the fact that you both are in prestigious programs that require a lot of your time inside and outside of school,” she added, looking at Aaron. “Are you using Mollie just to up your band’s image?”

“What?” Aaron asked, completely off-guard.

“I’ve been in plenty of bands in my lifetime with boyfriends that used me just because I was a good vocalist and appealing to an audience,” Jennifer began to explain.

“Pep,” Mr. Kamalani tried to stop Jennifer from continuing.

“And it seems like every time I broke up with one of the boys, I was easily replaced by another girl that one of the guys in the band were dating.” Jennifer’s eyes darted at Aaron. “Respectfully, I am trying to protect my baby sis from those type of musicians.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” I got up from my seat, angry now. Aaron got up from his seat, grabbing my hand.

“Mols,” Aaron tried to get my attention. I couldn’t let this go.

“It’s exactly what it means,” Jennifer said, now getting up. Mr. Kamalani got up from his seat, trying to calm my sister down. “You’re putting so much of your energy on this band and forgetting about your other responsibilities without even knowing if you’ll stay in this band once after you both break up.”

“Peppie,” my mom tried to intervene in the conversation. She couldn’t let this go either.

“By all means Jennifer, that is not the case with Mollie,” Aaron chimed into the conversation now. “I didn’t scout Mollie into my band.”

“Scout?” Jennifer repeated. “So you scout your lead vocalists for your band?”

“Mollie has been the only girl we had as lead for our band, ” Aaron defended. I looked at Aaron, not knowing that fact about the band. I thought that Aaron and his band have had other vocalists come and go in their band and that it just didn’t work out in the end. I’m the first.

“Pep, just take it easy,” Maryette finally chimed in. “Let’s be lucky that she’s actually spending time with other people besides Milo these days–“

“Or at all,” Jennifer mumbled underneath her breath, looking at me as she did. I didn’t want to sit at the table anymore so instead of excusing myself, I got up and walked out.

“Mols,” Aaron ran after me, also excusing himself from the table. I quickly went out of the backdoor to the yard, no jacket or anything, just to get away from these people for one moment. It wasn’t long after that I heard Aaron call out my name. I turned around and saw him walk toward me with a sweater in his hand.

“Hey,” Aaron softly said as he handed me the sweater. I took the sweater from him thanking him for bringing it out here.

“I’m sorry about my sister,” I began to say. “Obviously I didn’t think she was going to be the problem.”

“She’s just doing what big sisters do,” Aaron added. “I didn’t take anything personally.”

“I did,” I said, finally turning to face Aaron. “Especially when she’s assuming things in the way they Milo did with us.”

“Milo doesn’t matter,” Aaron stated. “Your sister on the other hand does. If she has concerns, then let her have concerns. But your happiness is what she truly cares about.”

“It sometimes doesn’t feel like it,” I added, sighing afterwards. “I’m sorry–“

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Mols,” Aaron said, lifting my chin up with his hand. “You did nothing but welcome me into your family and that alone is hard for us to do.” He gently kissed me on my forehead, smiling once he did. “I appreciate it.” I couldn’t help but feel secure whenever I was with Aaron. This was the first time I ever felt this way about another human being, yet alone someone that I really liked. I don’t know how I was lucky enough to get Aarons attention all those months ago in vocal, now being able to kiss him and call him my boyfriend. And I; his girlfriend.

I kissed Aaron before getting up from the wooden picnic table in the backyard. Aaron held my hand as we walked towards the back door of the house. I immediately tugged his arm, directing it to the side of the house. He didn’t say anything, he just followed by lead. It was nice to have someone see me and listen to me when I needed someone to. Aaron seemed to almost be too good to be true.

That was until the night of our opening show at The Bowery.

— to be continued —

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 9: Forget About Something That’s Not There: A Grace Monologue.

December 22, 2024December 22, 2024 liz

I took a deep breath before knocking on Sahim’s hotel room door. It feels like this is a first date all over again; this time, the nerves stem from a place of dishonesty. I didn’t want to be in this relationship and not be honest with Sahim; I didn’t want to repeat history again with him. Sahim deserves someone that’s honest and open and–

“Hey, Grace,” Sahim opens the door and smiles at me. I smile back, immediately giving him a hug. He pulls me into his room and closes the door behind us and begins to kiss me. I deepen this kiss, genuinely happy to see him after today. Shortly after, he pulls out from the kiss and looks at me.

“You must be so excited for dinner tonight,” Sahim teased me.

“Not as much as dessert,” I teased back, still my arms wrapped around his neck. He kisses me one last time before I walk away from him, setting my things down on the table. “It smells amazing in here.”

“Just a little something I put together,” Sahim commented as he walked back into the kitchen area. “Have you ever tried Nigerian food before?”

“I have not,” I answered, walking towards the kitchen area to watch Sahim cook. He turns around to lok at me and smile before going back to cooking. Ugh, he looks so good standing there.

“Well this dish in particular is Nigeria’s most popular,” he explained as he stirred the pot of food. “My mom taught me in hopes that one day I would cook it for someone special.” He laughed as I playfully sighed to his statement.

“How many girls did you tell this story to?” I teased.

“To the one that truly matters,” Sahim answered the question, completely avoiding the topic. He laughs as I nudged him on the shoulder. He grabbed me my the waist and went in for an innocent kiss. “Dinner should be done in a few.”

“I can’t wait,” I smiled as I looked at Sahim. “I’ve worked up quite an appetite.”

…

The candles were Sahim’s idea. As soon as he heard the rain come down, he wanted to add to the ‘romantic atmosphere‘ like how the movies do it. I couldn’t lie, Sahim was a visionary person; he has to be of his job was being behind the camera. I smiled as we sat quietly at his tiny kitchen table, eating the delicious dish he prepared for us.

“So how’s the dance coming along?” Sahim asked to start up a conversation. I let out a deep breath as I picked up my glass of water.

“Every time I think it’s finished, I go over it and still feel like there’s something missing,” I started to explain. “It’s frustrating. I create choreography for a living.”

“But this is choreo for you to dance to,” Sahim tried to reason with me. “Surely it should be easy to put together.”

“It’s not as straightforward as you’re putting it,” I crossed my arms, a little offended. “You don’t just ‘do it’.”

“I’m not saying it’s easy,” Sahim started to explain. “I’m saying it doesn’t need to be as hard as you’re making it. Your routine is most likely going to be just fine.”

“Just fine?” I repeated, a little annoyed at this point.

“Babe,” Sahim began to say. “I’m just trying to say to let your talent inspire you, not second guess yourself.”

“You can’t truly believe in that,” I scoffed at him. “You don’t just pick up your camera and think your first take is your best take.”

“Who says?” Sahim asked, getting up from his seat. He walks over to the other side of the room, grabbing a small crossbody bag from a side table. He takes out what’s in the bag, tossing it once he gets what’s out. His camera?

“Sahim,” I began to say, not knowing what his plan is. “What are you—“ Before I finish my sentence, he kneels down on one knee. I immediately panic in my seat, thinking this was the moment. Oh god, is this about happen?

“Grace,” Sahim began to say before I interrupted him. “Will you—“

“No!” I shouted, immediately covering my mouth afterward.

“… not look so close to the camera?” Sahim finished his question. I looked at him, confused. “You might break the camera with your beauty.” I couldn’t help but laugh and feel relieved that Sahim would pull a prank like this off. It wasn’t long after I noticed the flash go off once again. I looked at Sahim again. Flash. Flash. Flash.

“Sahim,” I said sternly. He quickly got up from the floor, showing me the screen to his camera. They were all pictures of what just happened.

“This one’s my favorite,” Sahim went to the next photo of the bunch. The photo was me sitting at the kitchen table, holding my glass of water. It looks like I had just turned my head in his photo; my hair was all going towards the same direction. I looked shocked, but not in a frightened way. It looks like Sahim had just told me the sickest burn or something. “This is what I mean when I say you have to believe in your skills, otherwise you miss out on moments like this.”

I looked back at the picture before he slowly moved my head so that my lips were close to his. He gently starts kissing me before it turns into a make out session. The kiss deepens, and I find myself being lifted from the kitchen chair and into Sahim’s arms. He sits down on the couch, putting me on top of him. We continued kissing until Sahim pulls back and looks at me. I couldn’t help but feel exposed in this moment.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing, it’s just…” Sahim started to say before he let out a deep breath. “You’re breathtaking the more I look st you.” I smiled, slightly blushing from his comment. Everything has been perfect with Sahim. We seem to have same focus-driven goals for our careers and in the long run found each other in the process. Sahim wasn’t like any man I dated before. He didn’t seem to bring his baggage from his family over into our relationship, and if he did have personal things in his life, he never let them reflect on the person he was when we were together. It was everything that I ever wanted in a partner, yet I still here with this unsettling wave of sadness. It’s not right, Grace. It’s not right that this man is here for you and you’re running off to go and spend time with–

“What’s wrong?” Sahim finally questioned as he looked at my face. I tried to quickly brush it off, hoping he didn’t notice too much of a change in my expression.

“Nothing,” I simply said, not wanting to explain any further.

“Grace,” Sahim began to say as he moved me off of him, sitting me down next to him on the couch. “Clearly something is on your mind.”

“It’s nothing, really,” I defended, not wanting to get any deeper in this conversation. “I just have a ton of stuff I had to do regarding the dance and things back home and–“

“Is that what you think of whenever we get together?” Sahim slightly teased, although it seemed like it was hurting more than he was leading on. I feel like the trajectory of this night was quickly spiraling down, and I felt bad knowing that it was my dumb, intrusive thoughts getting in the way of something so beautiful. It will hurt more the longer you ignore it, Grace. Sahim scoffs before he speaks. “I guess we just need to find new ways to keep your brain focused and occup–“

“I went hiking with Jamie earlier today,” I finally spat out, looking at Sahim. He looked at me first with this look of disbelief, but it quickly turn into annoyance once he realized I was telling the truth.

“You hung out with your ex today?” Sahim questioned.

“It wasn’t planned or anything,” I began to explain myself. “He simply invited me to go on this hike to help me distress from the dance production and–“

“So, let me get this straight,” Sahim shifted his body away from me on the couch, distancing himself. “You just stumbled upon your ex-boyfriend and decided to spend the day with him?”

“It’s not even like that, Sahim,” I started to explain myself. “There’s nothing going on with Jamie and I–“

“I didn’t say anything about something going on with you two,” Sahim emphasized as he crossed his arms along his chest. Fuck.

“You’re assuming that seeing my ex means that something is going on,” I continued to explain, trying to save face. “It’s hard to not be cordial with your ex when your cousin is marrying his best friend and–“

“Grace,” Sahim simply said as he got up from the couch. “I’m just not understanding why every time I’m not with you, it seems like you’re spending your free time with Jamie.”

“What? That’s not even true–” I began to say before Sahim quickly cuts me off once again.

“Grace, I see the way he looks at you,” Sahim further explained. “For fuck’s sake, he can’t keep his eyes off of you when you’re around.”

“He has a girlfriend,” I defended. “Maybe you’re misinterpreting his actions.” Sahim sharply turned his head to look at me.

“I saw him walk you to your hotel room the night I left your cousin’s game night early,” Sahim confessed. I remember the exact night Sahim was referring to. Jamie and Shawn had came back from being out all night at the bar; Shawn was clearly intoxicated without reasonable doubt. A night that was supposed to be about hanging with Sky before she left for Incheon turned into sitting in Jamie’s car getting a ride back to my place. I should’ve called Sahim to get me that night; maybe now I wouldn’t feel so guilty for letting something like this slide. You never told me the truth–“

“You should’ve said something when you got me coffee the following morning and told me that Aimee mentioned I was out late,” I turned it back on him, not appreciating him being honest with me about what he saw.

“I should’ve have to bring up something that you did, Grace,” Sahim explained, making a point. “If you weren’t over your ex, why did you agree to be in a relationship with me?”

“Because I am over Jamie,” I should up, looking at Sahim now. “Jamie and I haven’t been together for years. He’s around because of Shawn and Sky; nothing more, nothing less.” Sahim didn’t say anything, but he still didn’t seem convinced. I gently put the palm of my hand on his cheek, trying to reassure him that what I was saying was the truth. “Sahim, I’m in this relationship with you because I love you.” That was too easy to say out loud. “I know we aren’t perfect and our work schedules have made this difficult for us, but I wanted to tell you that I saw Jamie today with the intent that it was nothing more than a cordial hang out.”

“It’s about time your forgot about something that isn’t there, Grace,” Sahim finally commented. “I don’t know how Jamie feels about you, and quite honestly I don’t care. It’s up to you to put your foot down and remind yourself that there’s nothing else left there if you’re in a relationship with someone else.” Sahim walked away from me, starting to clean up the kitchen table of dishes from dinner. He walked into the kitchen, turning the faucet on to wash the dishes. I slowly walked over to Sahim, watching him wash the dishes.

Sahim was right. I was now in this relationship with him, and he’s made things feel so effortlessly while being with him. He’s protective of me, but not controlling. He’s understanding, but will not let certain things go unnoticed. I truly do love this man, but why does it seem like I’m only saying it in situations when I’m defending it to him?

I hugged Sahim from behind, reassuring him that I meant what I said. I do love him, and I want us to move forward from this without it affecting our relationship. Jamie and I’s relationship is history, and I needed to start focusing my energy on the relationship I have now.

“I love you,” I said one last time before calling it a night. Before I let go of his body, he turned around and looked down at me. I could see it in his eyes that there was hurt in them. He was falling in love with me rapidly, which was beginning to scare me. Things were eventually going to get serious with us, which means Sahim will most likely be around in more family gatherings and occasions. Jamie will be too if Sky and Shawn get married, and I don’t know if Sahim would be ever be okay with that. Would he put that aside for the sake of our relationship? Would I allow him to?

Sahim slowly leaned in for a kiss, this one was gentle and softer than the ones that came before. It was reassuring. It was security. It was–

“I love you too,” Sahim finally said. I smiled, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.

“So,” I sighed as I said, changing the conversation. “You wash the dishes and I go prepare dessert?” Sahim smiled at my flirty statement.

“That depends,” Sahim teased back, looking at me with low, sultry eyes. “What’s on the menu for dessert?”

“Me,” I said, kissing Sahim harder and slightly biting his lip in the process. Sahim quickly turns around and turns the water faucet off. I laughed as he swiftly picked me up, kissing me as he led us to his bedroom.

Because that’s what people in love do, right? They go and make love to each other, showing each other just how much they love each other?

Or is that just lust disguising itself?

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 8: Tape #34: Secrecy in the Bandroom.

December 21, 2024December 16, 2024 liz

Milo walks into band class the day of the school trip for their showcase. Everyone is wearing their concert attire, getting ready to get on the coach bus and into the city. Milo looks around trying to spot the one person he’s eager to see. Of course, he is interrupted by Nicki, calling out from him across the room. Milo sighs, walking towards Nicki.

Milo: Hey, Nicki…

Milo notices Danny standing next to Nicki. He swallows his feelings to be cordial.

Milo: *to Danny* Hey, bro.

Danny nods his head, getting him back. Nicki is surprised at the interaction.

Nicki: Is it Groundhogs Day or something?

Milo: *confused* Isn’t that in February?

Nicki: *rolls her eyes* It’s a movie reference, meaning is today not actually a real day that is happening? *laughs* Since when do you say hi to Danny?

Milo: Ever since Pep told me that you two started to officially date.

Nicki’s face turns red.

Nicki: I know, I should’ve told you, but I figured it would be easier if Pep did. You’re not that hard on her when she’s telling you someone else”s business.

Milo: *laughs* I mean, you’re not wrong. But, I promised Pep that I would be nice to him in support of your decision. We’re all friends, and I should support you as one.

Nicki smiles and gives Milo a friendly hug. When they pull away, Milo notices Gwen walk past the teens. Nicki notices.

Nicki: Something tells me you were looking for Gwen.

Milo: *defensive* No, No… I uhm, just wanted to wish her good luck on the showcase today and–

Nicki: You mean the same showcase that you’re performing with her in? Pep told me Gwen was at the pizza place yesterday after school. She said that Gwen was giving off major attitude.

Milo: *rolls her eyes* More like Pep giving it to Gwen. I don’t know why she was even acting that way; Gwen and I are just friends and–

Nicki: Just friends?

Milo takes a moment to speak before he answers. Nicki sighs, already knowing the answer.

Nicki: Can I be honest with you about something, Milo?

Milo: *off-guard* Of course; we’re friends.

Nicki looks at Milo and sighs.

Nicki: I don’t want you to think that liking anyone else but Pep is some sort of crime.

Milo tries to laugh it off.

Milo: What? Where is this even coming from?

Nicki: I see the way you look at Gwen, Milo. And then I see this wave of regret all over your face once you realize that you’re waiting for someone that might not even see you the same way.

Milo doesn’t say anything back; he starts to feel embarrassed.

Nicki: I just don’t want you getting hurt every time she’s crushing on some new dude. One week it’s Charlie, the next week it’s Tony–

Milo: And this week it’s Nate?

Nicki doesn’t answer Milo’s question. It’s enough to confirm his suspicion. He sighs as he looks at Gwen, sitting alone at the other side of the room.

Nicki: I’m just trying to give you some clarity in this situation. Even if it’s Pep, you shouldn’t wait for her to come around if she only sees you as a friend.

Before Milo turns his head around, he gathers himself and outs on a smile; he only then turns around to face Nicki.

Milo: I’m fine, Nic. She’s not keeping me from being with anyone else. But, Gwen and I are truly just friends.

Nicki doesn’t say anything back, but chooses to believe her friend. Milo smiles before he changes the subject.

Milo: But speaking of my friend; I’m going to go and check on her.

Milo turns around and the smile quickly vanishes. He’s visibly hurt, but doesn’t want anyone to know. He walks towards Gwen, putting that same smile on his face.

Milo: *to Gwen* Hey.

Gwen looks up and rolls her eyes. She sighs loudly before she continues tuning her strings on her violin.

Gwen: Your charity work isn’t needed right now; thank you very much.

Milo: *confused* Charity work?

Gwen: *looks back up at Milo* Yeah, the work you do pretending to be my friend when you’re not near your real friends.

Milo sits in the seat next to Gwen; she looks at him baffled.

Milo: I’m not pretending to be your friend. I just told Nicki that–

Gwen: I’m not talking about Nicki. I’m talking about your other friend from the pizza parlor. The red head girl you were with?

Milo: *confused* Pep? I-I mean Jennifer?

Gwen: Yeah, her. Every time she comes around, it’s like you look at me like I’m some groupie for your band. I could care less about the bane that you are in, by the way.

Milo: *defensive* Well if you don’t care about my band, why even come out to support in the first place?

Gwen looks at Milo, visibly angry.

Gwen: Because I thought I was going to support my friend at his show.

Gwen gathers her things and gets up from her seat. Milo sighs before getting up himself, going after Gwen. Gwen exits the room and lets out a deep sigh. Shortly after, the door swings open; it’s Milo.

Milo: Gwen–

Gwen: Just leave me alone, Milo. Clearly you don’t value the friendship as much as I do, but that’s always the case with those in my life.

Milo: Gwen, I–

Gwen: I thought you were different. I thought that you had the same passion for the strings section as me, I thought you weren’t like the other dual majors at Waverly and was actually a humble and nice person. You’re worse than them, because at least they make it known that they are stuck up and snobby!

Milo: *defensive* Is that what you thought about me this entire time? Just some snobby dual majors that thought they were better than everyone else at Waverly?

Gwen doesn’t say anything. She stands there and looks at Milo. That’s confirmation in Milo’s book.

Milo: If that’s what you truly thought of me, then why didn’t you tell me to fuck off or something? Huh?

Gwen: *angry* You still don’t get it, don’t you?!

Milo: Get what?! Stop talking in riddles and just say what you want to say!

Before Gwen can get the words to come out, Mr. Harrison is calling out the students to get ready to exit the school for the school trip. Before Milo can turn around and talk to Gwen, she walks away with her stuff to get in line with the rest of the bandmates. Milo stands there and looks at her before he hears Nicki call his name.

Nicki: Milo!

Nicki brings him her stuff.

Nicki: Next time you leave your things with me to hold onto, I’m charging you by the minute.

Milo doesn’t react to Nicki’s words; he’s too focused on Gwen, watching her wipe her damp cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 7: A Voiceless Rant, December 2024 Edition.

December 20, 2024December 15, 2024 liz

Another year, another yearly update of one of the first “overexposed”-esque like series, The Voiceless Rant.

I think I say this every year, but I can’t believe just how far we’ve come from feeling like my thoughts and feelings were just “voiceless rants” whenever I would speak. I guess they turned into “overexposed” posts once I realized that I needed to believe what I was writing (and saying) before anyone else was going to believe it.

Anyway, let’s get right into it.

It’s truly crazy to think that this time 10 years ago, I was a junior in college wrapping up my fall semester writing a script of a short film for my final project in my screenwriting class. It came to me as if it was second nature, especially these were characters I’ve played around with for many years before. Although it has been more recent since I started writing my stories into series here on the blog, I always found people listening to me whenever I told my stories. I have a distinct memory being in the 8th grade, talking to my best friend on AIM about a story of a group of teens that were friends, kinda like the one we were both a part of at the time. I wish I saved those conversations just to reread the stories I told of my characters; God knows how cringey they would seem to me now.

But creative writing has always been my “star of the show”, meaning I was never great with my own words but when it was telling fictional stories and writing poetry, everyone would listen. Does that naturally come to writers? Sometimes I really do sit back and ask myself, “when did I decide that being a writer was now a part of my identity?”

Maybe it was when I was in the 5th grade, doodling in different notebooks of the characters that lived in my imagination, telling their stories through drawings and storyboards and actually acting them out as I went along. Maybe it was int the 6th grade, writing a poem in the schoolyard during lunch about a boy I had a crush on and read it to a group of girls who were also into writing poems. Maybe it was in the 8th grade, reciting a poem I created for our Ballroom dancing event that everyone applaud for and told me how good the poem was to them. Maybe it was during my sophomore year in college when I wrote a piece about the most traumatic event in my life up to that point, shared it, and received the validation I yearned for when trying to tell my side of the story.

Maybe it was my first year in grad school, contemplating whether or not I should start a blog to post my writings on.

I don’t remember exactly when my identity as a writer truly started, but it has been such a long and tiresome journey to be where I’m at with it. I grew up thinking that if I didn’t write for a living and make money off from it, then I wasn’t a real writer or storyteller. I grew up and surrounded myself with other writers and always felt like their stories were just better told than mine, which meant that no one really wanted to listen to what I wrote, even if those writings were a sequence of poems of me contemplating suicide for months on end when I was 18. I grew up with people telling me I wasn’t qualified to be a writer because I was horrible at it. That mindset made me almost fail my first semester English course because I lost my passion for it briefly during this time.

But that’s just a lot of the obstacles needed to be where I’m at and feel okay about it as well. Fr starters, I’m not an upcoming author with books waiting to be published and a saga waiting to be made into feature-length movies. I’m not even in the world of writing as a career! I’ve come to terms that writing is more of an outlet for me. It’s become a space where I can speak out and talk about things I would normally keep to myself at my 9 to 5. It’s become my space; one that I am solely in by myself but have ceiling to floor glass windows looking into it. I love sharing my writing and I love being able to tell the stories of these characters in a more expressive and organized way. Before 2020, they lived in my head for decades!

Being a writer to me just means that I value the words I write more than I can speak them. I am able to filter out the filler of a sentence and think about what is it that I’m truly trying to say without feeling vulnerable and put on the spot. I am able to edit and revise and make the words sound better by focusing where in the story the most emphasis should be on, and I am able to get out of my own head for a couple of minutes and become Grace or Jamie, Milo, Sophie, or Mollie, Micah or Rosie, Milo or Jennifer, or everyone else in between in my writing. After all this time with these characters and these stories and being a writer for over a decade, I am still so in love with it.

And I guess that’s what being a writer means to me. I write because it’s truly my best voice. I write because its stayed my passion for so many years and I still get so excited to sit down and write. As for LFL posts, I’m excited to see where the future of these stories being told. As you may know, The Something Series is coming down to its last couple of posts before the series finale early next year. This was a series I started all the way back in 2020, so when it finally comes to an end, I am going to be devastated to leave that particular universe. But, I am ready to say goodbye to these two and allow their story be told outside of the series. I’m excited to devote more energy to the other series going strong on the blog, preferably y2katalogue: the tapes. There’s so much left in store with all of these characters and their stories, so please stay tuned to them and I really hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

I love being a writer. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world; honestly.

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 6: The Unusual & Uncertain Somethings: A Jamie Monologue.

December 19, 2024December 13, 2024 liz

It was now dark by the time I got back to my apartment. I was exhausted from the hike earlier today, but don’t regret that it happened. I would have never thought that Grace and I would ever hang out again in this lifetime after everything that we’ve been through. Something has definitely changed with Grace since seeing her last in California. She feels like she’s been on this journey of healing; maybe that is happening as she lives out her dream being a a part of this production, but maybe she’s just learning to forgive her past self and the decisions they once made. It was calming to spend the day with Grace. It always was.

I entered my apartment and noticed the kitchen light was on. I didn’t remember leaving it on when I left, which made me nervous. Before I was able to grab something to protect myself with, I let out a deep breath once I realized it was Haram.

“Haram,” I began to say as I put my stuff on the couch. “What are you doing here?”

“Did you forget already?” Haram asked me. She seemed frustrated about something. “You wouldn’t have if you answered your phone when I called you.”

“I didn’t have cell service,” I said, trying to explain myself. “I went hiking earlier and–“

“You were suppose to be back in time to have dinner with my sister’s family tonight,” Haram crossed her arms as she explained. “I told her you had to work late today after having to try reaching you for the 7th time.”

“Ya,” I sighed, feeling guilty. “I’m so sorry. The time just slipped away from me and–“

“You should’ve answered your phone, Jaemin,” Haram spat out, seeming frustrated. “If you knew you couldn’t make it, then you should’ve called me and we could’ve rescheduled.” She turned around and walked towards the kitchen. I sighed as I walked toward her, hugging her from behind.

“Jagiaya,” I said as I rested my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I am. Today was just a weird day and my head really wasn’t on straight.” Haram finally sighed before turning around, now facing me.

“I know,” Haram said before she began playing with the seem of my sleeve. “It’s part of the reason why I wanted us to go out. Take some time to live in the present–“

“I’m not living in the past,” I said in a defensive way. “You just don’t forget the anniversary of the day that a parent passed away.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Haram began to explain, growing more frustrated. “I meant that I wanted to make sure today can also have happy and positive memories attached to it. I’m not saying you have to forget about your father when doing that.” I scrunched my eyebrows as Haram further explained her reasoning. I was annoyed that Haram would want to take today and make it about herself. I know she doesn’t mean any harm in it, but it felt insensitive considering that today hasn’t ever been easy for me to go through for the past 7 years. She wanted to make something sad into a positive thing, but she couldn’t understand what it felt like to be in my position.

“We will reschedule with your sister and her family,” I reassured her, feeling too tired to continue this conversation. “Are you staying for the night?”

“I can’t,” Haram sighed as she answered, walking away from my reach to gather her stuff. “I have to be up early for work tomorrow.” I nodded my head, understanding the circumstances. Because of it, I felt like Haram hardly ever stayed the night for me.

“You want me to drive you back to your place?” I asked.

“Ya, it wouldn’t make sure if you drove my car to drop me off,” Haram reasoned with me, smiling. “I’ll let you know when I get in, okay?” I nodded as Haram kissed me on the cheek. She grabbed her things and walked out of my front door. Once the door closed behind her, the smile vanished. I sighed, plopping down on my couch not knowing what to do next. Nights like this were common for me; sitting in my apartment in silence until it was time to go to bed. When I was in my program in law school, the silence helped me focus on my work. As I older, I didn’t realize just how much my time being a lawyer isolated me from the rest of the world. Did Grace feel like this when she was one?

I couldn’t help but think about my hike today with Grace. Conversations with Grace were never easy after leaving New York, but this one felt different. Although I was on this hike in honor if my father, it was unusual that I barely thought about him on it. The years that came before, every hike was a constant reminder of him and I being on this exact road. I’m uncertain if this was Haram’s goal for us today, but just going on the hike with someone for a change in the 7 years made the sad memory into a positive one.

Or maybe I’m just reading too much into it; I am uncertain about that as well.

Before I was able to get too much deep into thought, my phone vibrated next to me. I looked down and noticed it was Shawn.

“Ya,” I answered the phone, curious to know why he was calling me at this time. “I just got in, don’t tell me you need a ride or–“

“Ha ha,” Shawn interrupted before he sighed. “Did you speak to Haram?”

“Yeah,” I said, confused. “She just left to go back home.”

“Hyung, she was trying to get in touch with you all day,” Shawn started to explain. “She thought that maybe you were with me or something.”

“I was in Taehwagang,” I explained as got up from the couch. “You know I always go there for my hike and I forgot Haram had plans for us to go to her sister’s family house.”

“She seemed upset,” Shawn added. “I feel like she’s always upset with you about something these days.”

“Haram and I are just in a trivial phase of our relationship,” I began to explain as I turned on the stove to boil a pot of water. “She’s looking to take things to the next level, but–“

“Hyung, I thought you were ready to be in a relationship,” Shawn further interrupted me. “I thought you moved on–“

“I did,” I quickly defended myself, getting annoyed. “Nobody is holding me back from being in one.”

“When was the last time you actually went on a date with Haram?” Shawn questioned me. I was confused in why this mattered so much to him. It was unusual for Shawn to care.

“Since when are you so invested in my relationship with Haram?” I questioned back. “Did Haram say something to you?” Shawn immediately goes silent over the phone. Did Haram really confined in one of my closest friends? “Shawn?”

“All I’m saying is don’t let your past cloud your judgement on your present,” Shawn answered cryptically. “Haram just wants you to be her boyfriend, Hyung.”

“Thanks for the advice,” I spat back, growing annoyed. “Next time my girlfriend decides to confine in you when she’s upset with me, remember to tell her to talk to me first before going to you.” I hung up the phone, feeling exposed and embarrassed. I didn’t understand why Haram would go to Shawn to talk about me. Did she give up trying to talk to me and thought going to Shawn would make it better? Was I really that absent from our relationship? I was uncertain that was the reason. Haram can always talk to me if she has any issues with our relationship…

But it would be unusual for her to do that, and I was uncertain if maybe she felt like she couldn’t. It was typical for me to be in a situation like this; that I’m certain of.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 4: Sophiolo Leeganini: A Milo Monolgue.

December 17, 2024November 26, 2024 liz

“Hey, Scout,” I greeted Sophie as she walked down the street. She had a smile on her face; I was glad that she was in a good mood today. “Ready for today’s performance?” She nervously sighed before she answered me.

“Another performance, another chance to perfect this solo part in the piece,” Sophie said, adjusting the strap of her instrument case. Without even realizing, I take Sophie’s case off of her shoulder and put it on mine. To my surprise, Sophie doesn’t protest, allowing me to carry her case for her. The rest of the ensemble began to gather in front of the school, including Aaron. He didn’t say anything to anyone; he stood there on his phone, as usual. Shortly after, Mr. Harrison calls out to us, getting our attention.

“Alright everyone, quiet down,” Mr. Harrison shouts out. Everyone stops talking facing him now as they listened. “I want everyone on their best behavior before, during, and after our performance today. This isn’t a place where you should be messing around; this is Julliard, and some of you might even be students here in the future. So please, present yourself with dignity and class, as that’s always expected of you.” Once Mr. Harrison stops talking, the doors to the school bus open, and we begin to line up to get on. To my surprise, Sophie grabs me by my hand, guiding me with her toward the bus. We finally get on the bus and she picks a seat to sit in; it was second nature to just sit next to her at this point. Again, Sophie didn’t protest or react to me doing so.

For the majority of the bus ride, Sophie and I didn’t speak much. We both glanced out the window, watching the other cars and trucks pass us by on the highway. The leaves on the trees were starting to appear, indicating that Spring was starting soon. Normally, I didn’t notice these type of things happen. It was pretty, to say the least.

…

“Alright class, 30 minutes we are performing,” Mr. Harrison walked into the boys dressing room. “I need you guys dressed and lined up when it’s time, okay?” The boys responded, agreeing with Mr. Harrison’s instructions. I sit down in my seat as I finished tying my dress shoes and started to try to put on my bowtie. I was glad that my father told me early on that I needed to learn how to tie my own bowtie if I was going to get through performances at Waverly as smooth as possible. He showed me time and time again how to do it; sure it was annoying at first to have to learn something I didn’t need at that time, but in times like this, I’m glad that he did.

I looked up once I was done and immediately noticed Aaron at one of the mirrors, struggling with his bowtie. I rolled my eyes, trying to ignore him. For some strange reason, I couldn’t. I sighed as I walked up to Aaron. He immediately turned around and on guard.

“What do you want?” Aaron asked in an uninviting way.

“Your bowtie,” I pointed at it, which makes him look down at it. “You didn’t properly tie it. It’s going to come loose as soon as you adjust it on your neck.” He doesn’t say anything back to me, he just rolls his eyes at me as he yanked the bowtie off of his neck. “Yo, Mr. Harrison,” Aaron said as he walked away from me. I didn’t blame him for just walking away like that; why would he ever think I was helping him out in any way possible? A part of me wanted to be the bigger person. A part of me wanted to see the good in Aaron for Mollie’s sake. I wanted to understand what in the world did she see in this guy, but I know that it wasn’t realistic considering everything that happened up to this point. Maybe I just don’t care to hold on to the hate anymore.

The boys were now being told to go into the hallway to line up; to my surprise, I saw Sophie lined up with the rest of the girls in the ensemble. I couldn’t help but stare at Sophie; she was wearing this black dress with black flats. Her hair was clipped back away from her face. She looked so pretty.

She turned around and spotted me, smiling once she did. She kept looking at me, raising an eyebrow.

“Hi, James Bond,” she teased as she giggled. So cute. “You’re dressed ready to fight crime in London.”

“The bow tie makes it more official,” I said, wiggling the tie on my neck. “You look like you’re about to rip the craziest violin solo in a couple of minutes.”

“I’m no Niccolo Paganini,” she replied, sighing her nerves away. Niccolo Paganini is known as the world’s most famous violinist as I just recently learned from Sophie when she sent me a picture of a poster of him. Most girls my age have posters of boy bands on their wall; Sophie has dead musicians from the classical period.

“You’re gonna do great, Scout,” I reassured her, smiling. “You’ve performed this solo a bunch of times and could probably do it in your sleep.” Sophie laughed, appreciating the pep talk before the show. Mr. Harrison begins to walk us toward the backstage of the venue, lining us up in two rows. I stand next to Sophie as she looks towards the stage. She looks nervous, I can tell by the way she began to fidget with her fingers. I gently grabbed her left hand, squeezing it tight to let her know that she is going to be okay. She looked at me and smiled; she knew exactly what I was trying to tell her.

“Give a round of applause to The Waverly High Elite Ensemble,” the announcer presented as we began to walk on the stage. The audience clapped as we got on the stage and positioned in our spots. As I got adjusted in my spot, I looked at Sophie a couple of rows down towards the front. She turned around and smiled at me before she faced forward, sitting down with her violin in her hand. We all prepared ourselves for the first song; it as the easiest song out of the set we were doing and allowed me some time to really take in the experience. The lights were nearly blinding us the way they were pointed at the stage, but I was able to still see the rows of people watching us perform. I couldn’t help but watch Sophie for most of our performances; she was professional and focused in on her music. She didn’t even seem to be nervous at this point.

It was now time for the strings section to play their song; my eyes were immediately locked on Sophie. The piece starts off strong and turns whimsical in the middle, sounding like an opening to an epic movie adaption of a musical. The accompanying choir begins to sing in unison to the music being played. In the middle of the song, Sophie stands up to start her solo. I want to do nothing more but to shout her name and cheer her on. I hold myself back as much as possible, but once she plays the first measure of her solo, I find myself not being able to hold back. I shouted for Sophie as she played; I couldn’t see her face, but I saw the smile appear on her face as her cheek expanded across the base of the violin.

Unbiasedly, she was the best violinist in her section. She was always so quick to learning new music and she always found a way to play the notes the way they were meant to be played. Sophie told a story with her music, and sometimes it was the only way to see how she truly was feeling. Today, she played the piece in a melancholy way. She put more vibrato on the long notes, making them sound eerie in the minor key. It was haunting but too beautiful to look away. Too beautiful to not want to look at Sophie in her element.

Before I realized it, the rest of the ensemble was getting ready to continue with the end of the song. I quickly picked up my drum sticks, preparing for the big finale piece. Needless to say, our performance was one of the best we’ve had in a long time, and the strings section definitely outshined the rest of the us, which I credit to Sophie’s angelic solo.

Once we were exited off the stage after our performance, I waited for Sophie’s line to enter the backstage area. Once I spotted Sophie entering the area, I couldn’t help but give her a huge hug.

“You were amazing out here,” I said with the biggest smile on my face. Sophie let out a sigh of relief; I could relate.

“I felt like I hit every note on the nail,” Sophie recalled. She seemed happy. She was smiling as if she was happy with what she did up there. She deserves to be happy; she’s worked so hard to be here today.

“You really lead the strings to a victory today,” I said wholeheartedly. “Seriously, like I don’t think I ever heard so many people cheer for you guys the way they did out here. You’re turning heads, Sophiolo Leeganini.” Sophie was shocked, widening her eyes as she started to laugh.

“I’m sorry, what?” Sophie laughed as she asked. She knew exactly what I was playing at. “Did you just–“

“You act as if you’re so surprised,” I teased Sophie before she nudged me on my shoulder. I laughed and I smiled; something I felt like Sophie and I haven’t done in a while ever since my birthday. This trip was therapeutic in a way; it helped us put focus back on the things that enhanced our connection: music. For the first time in awhile, things didn’t feel complicated, despite the sacrifices that we made in order for us to have a moment like this. My dad would have a fit if he found out most of my day was spent with the person he wants me to avoid at all cost.

It was now dark once we both got back into Brooklyn. I knew I should’ve went straight home after the show considering my dad had my location on. I knew I should’ve went my separate way to make it home on time, but something in me refused to let Sophie walk home in the dark. I think she appreciated it as well; she held my hand as we walked slowly down the block.

“Today was super fun,” Sophie finally said out loud. “I needed a day like today.”

“I was thinking of the same thing,” I said. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that thought the same thing.

“Are you going to hear it from your dad when you get home?” she asked. Sophie always went straight to the point with things that were on her mind.

“Probably,” I began to say. “But this was something for my dual major, so he only ever cares about me doing that-” Sophie stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and let go of my hand. I looked down at her, wondering what was wrong. “What?”

“Why do you think your dad only cares about your dual major status?” she asked me. Not this conversation again.

“Because he was one, as I explained to you in the past,” I snapped back, annoyed that she would bring this up again.

“So what? My father was a violinist and he didn’t push me to become one as well.” she debated.

“Yet you’re a violinist, just how he was,” I added, looking at Sophie. “Don’t you see that we started doing these things and fell in love with these things because our parents forced them on us?” Sophie looked confused.

“Do you not love what you do? Sophie asked. “Do you feel like your dad forced you into it?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” I fought back, trying my best to clarify what I mean. “I love music, and that’s never going to change, but music is also my entire being. I’m allowed to be human and do things that go against my passion for music.”

“Like what?” Sophie asked.

“Like kissing you when we’re suppose to be rehearsing,” I smiled, teasing Sophie. Her face immediately gets red from blushing. Sophie starts to walk down the block once more; of course, I follow right back her. “Like spending time with you at the pizza place after school without talking about music.” I added as Sophie rolled her eyes and smiled, which made me feel relieved.

“I’m serious, Milo,” Sophie said, going back to the subject. “Not to sound like your dad, but being a dual major is a pristine status. Do you know that the majority of incoming students at Julliard are the dual major students at Waverly?” Julliard? Where did that come from? I scrunched my eyebrows slightly, wondering how this became a part of the conversation. We are only freshmen; why are we talking about colleges?

I know academics were an important part of Sophie’s school life; she’s easily one of the smartest people in our grade. It wasn’t surprising that she’s already thinking about colleges, but I didn’t think she was actually thinking about the college we were just performing at. Only those interested in attending Julliard looks up their requirements so early in the process.

“That might be true, but I don’t want my dual major status to consume me,” I admitted. “I still want to be a regular teenager and feel regular teenager things–“

“Like what?” Sophie asked again; this time in a more playful way.

“Like… liking this cute little violinist in our class,” I flirted, looking at Sophie. This time, she was ready for it.

“Bummer,” Sophie began to say. “She must be a really lucky girl.” I couldn’t help but smile and kiss her. It was short lived, and nothing would prepare me for what would come next.

“Soojin!” I hear an older woman call out. For a slight moment, I was confused; Sophie’s change in demeanor said everything that I needed to know. I turned around and saw Sophie’s mom walking down the steps of the stoop, grabbing her by her instrument case.

“Whoa, wait!” I shouted, feeling protective over Sophie. “You can’t just–“

“Leave,” Mrs. Lee said in a cold tone. “Now!”

“Mum–” Sophie tried to intervene.

“Ya! Get inside of the house now!” she said at Sophie, and Sophie doesn’t fight back. Mrs. Lee turns around and looks at me straight in the face. If looks can kill.

“Mrs. Lee, it’s not her fault that she’s late,” I tried to ease the conversation, but there was no use in trying. Her mom already had her mind made.

“Stay away from my daughter,” she spat out. “You have been nothing but a bad influence to her.” I didn’t know what else to say to Sophie’s mom. All I could see is Sophie panicking near her front door. Her mom turned around and walked back towards the house.

“Mum–” Sophie tried to say once again, but her mom dismissed her thought.

“Inside! Now!” Mrs. Lee said as she pointed at the house. I didn’t know She turned around to face me once more. “Get out!” she shouted one last time before slamming the gate in front of me shut.

Music Reviews, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 3: Top 5 Albums of 2024!

December 16, 2024December 3, 2024 liz

Dear, readers; welcome to Letters From Liz!

The time has come to write possibly one of the most important posts for Lizmas each year! Fun fact about this particular post: This is something I work on throughout the year. I make sure that if I come across a bomb album in the duration of the year, I write it down to remember to include it for this post.

It’s my Top 5 Albums of 2024!

For 2021, it was no surprise that Victon’s full-length album, VOICE: The Future is Now, was on the top of my list. For 2022, Demi Lovato took first place with her no-skip rock album, Holy Fvck. Last year, Kpop took their throne back on my list with New Jeans’ Get Up taking the number one spot! This year, I think my Top 5 has come down to a very interesting set of albums that honestly, I didn’t think would even come across my way this year.

Without further ado, here’s my top 5 albums of 2024!

5.) Sabrina Carpenter – Short n’ Sweet

It’s no surprise that 2024 was the year of Sabrina Carpenter. She skyrocketed to mainstream when her witty outros of Nonsense went viral on social media and adapted to this vintage, lacy, pastel image that has set her apart from the other rising pop stars of the year. When she released her first single of the year, “Expresso”, during the weekend of Coachella, the world went into a frenzy. It was the perfect song to start off the Summer and in many people’s opinion, was the Unofficial song of the summer. Her album, Short n’ Sweet ended the summer and did not disappoint. While she has some cheeky songs like “Juno” and “Bed Chem” on the album, I feel like her songs were very country influenced, which wasn’t my cup of tea at first. The songs definitely grew on me, the same way that “Please Please Please” became one of my favorites on the album. It’s no surprise that she dominated the music industry this past year, and it was so deserving considering the decade long career she has had already.

4.) Charli XCX – brat

Come on, it was a brat summer this year, and it was a damn good reason why it was! Just like Sabrina Carpenter, Charli XCX has been in the music industry for a decade now and was well known for being the features for Iconia Pop’s “I Love It” in 2012 and Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” in 2014. She was also the featured singer in John Green’s book-to-movie adaption of The Fault in Our Stars with “Boom Clap”. She has been in the scene for quite some time now, but when brat was released early in the summer, it was officially declared a “brat summer” with hits like “360/365”, “Apple”, and the many remixes that came after its initial release. I wasn’t the biggest fan of this album when it first came out, but it was only after I got hooked on “365” when I started to branch out to the rest of the album. Currently, I am loving “Sympathy is a knife” after enjoying the remix she came out with Ariana Grande not too long ago. It was a different sound in the world of the mainstream Top 40 music; it brought back a nostalgic sound from the early 2010’s when dance music was popular. The album has a whole was a pop cultural moment; everyone had lime green backgrounds with black Arial font wording on it. (I kid you not, the Bertha Harris Women’s Center at the college I work at currently has a brat-inspired album with the words “bertha” in the middle. Iconic.

3.) LE SSERAFIM – CRAZY

Of course, we have some k-pop on the list! I feel like for die-hard k-pop fans, this was a good year in music. Sure, I have my opinion on how over saturated the genre has become, but for the groups that I still follow and enjoy, some of them definitely flew on the top of my list. LE SSERAFIM is a 5-member girl group in 2022 under Source Music, a subsidiary to HYBE Labels. The members include Chaewon, Sakura, Yunjin, Kazuha, and Eunchae. This year was a busy one for the group; having released two EPs and their first English single, “Perfect Night”. Personally, it had been awhile since I actually liked a release that the group put out. Their 3rd EP, EASY, was not my cup of tea and possibly my least favorite of their discography. I didn’t have high hopes when they announced they would be releasing their 4th EP at the end of August, but boy was I wrong. LE SSERAFIM always had this “fashion model” concept since their debut, and this album ties together that concept with the storyline they also have tied to it as well. Besides aespa’s “Supernova” and “Whiplash”, “CRAZY” was the k-pop baby of brat. All the songs are unique in their own way (“Pierrot” being the outshining underdog that should’ve been promoted as a b-side, but who am I to say what to do) but they all sound… well, crazy. I really enjoyed this creative direction that the girls had for this album; so much that this was their first physical album of the groups’ for my collection. It was THAT good.

2.) NewJeans – How Sweet & Supernatural

Woo! The second year that this group has been in my Top 5 because I am still personally hooked on the style and sound these five girls bring. Although with the recent news (after months of feuding between the two CEOS of the labels) of NewJeans terminating their contracts with ADOR; a subsidiary under HYBE labels, I guess you can say that these two albums were their “disbandment” albums. They aren’t disbanding! Just… without a label at the time I am writing this. Anyway, How Sweet was the title track of their 2nd single album of the same name, and “Bubble Gum” was the accompanied b-side. “Bubble Gum”, like I mentioned in my mid-point roundup of top songs, has such a nostalgic and bright feel to it and really wish that it was the title track instead. It was hands down my favorite song of 2024, and wish it got the same love that their previous releases did.

A couple of months after having their Korean comeback, NewJeans ventured out to debut in Japn with their first Japan single album, Supernatural. Now, I’m not one to really enjoy Japan releases from K-pop groups solely due to the fact that (obviously) their sound is changed to target a different audience. Some groups stay true to their concept, and NewJeans was a prime example. This new jack swing inspired beat really makes me feel like I’m watching the intro of an early 90’s sitcom (which they actually pay homage to in their music video). Again, this song was so incredibly good, but I feel like with everything that was going on with the group and their labels, these gems were overlooked to the general public. These girls, being possibly one of the biggest girl groups to be recognized in both the genre and general public in 4th generation k-pop, made a gutsy move to stand up for what they believe in (despite what people think of their decisions). I hope that the group is able to continue making music together because, well… hate to break it to the community, but they were one of the first groups at their time to change the sound of K-pop music and do it in a way that was unconventional to the formula that entertainment agencies generated for their K-pop groups.

1.) Chappell Roan – The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess

It’s been a long time since a debut album of an artist truly was a straight-up masterpiece. They are truly a dime in the dozen; many artists coming out with a discography of music for the first time heavily rely on the music that is given to them that got tossed around different artists before it landed on their laps. Sure, some artists get the privilege to make the music their own by writing and composing it; Chappell Roan was a part of the entire process of her debut album and it shows tremendously. Chappell Roan, although did not start out being on television like Sabrina Carpenter or featured in big summer songs like Charli XCX, was literally just some normal girl in the Midwest making music about her experiences for the past decade. Born and raised in a small town in Missouri, Chappell Roan (which is her stage name as a nod to her grandfather’s last name and his favorite song, “The Strawberry Roan” by Curley Fletcher. She quickly gained a following after her first few songs (which were then added to this album) like “Pink Pony Club”, “Casual”, and “Naked in Manhattan”, and was even invited to be an opener for Olivia Rodrigo’s tour for her debut album, Sour. Both Roan and Rodrigo worked with the same producer for their debut albums, but when it came to working on Chappell’s album, it unintentionally needed to be placed on the back burner due to the overnight success Olivia go when “drivers license” was released in 2021. But hey; good things come to those who wait!

Chappell Roan’s debut album is a no-skip album. There isn’t a single bad song on this album and it covers pretty much very emotion you can possibly think of. It also covers just about every type of pop music subcategory you can think of, which is so hard for an artist to successfully do these days. I think that just plays on Roan’s aesthetic and image; she draws inspiration from theatrics and drag queens in her wardrobe, making music that sounds like you’re listening to it in a car ride in the 80’s (I’m talking about “HOT TO GO!” obviously). I also can’t describe how or why my brain makes this connection, but “Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl” is the song that Hannah Montana would’ve sang later in her career (Hannah, NOT Miley. You get me?) In a nutshell, her album made me a fan of her as an artist. She was not wrong when she said she’s your favorite artist’s favorite artist (inspired by Sasha Colby’s quote). I’m excited to hear what her sophomore album is going to look and sound like; something tells me it’s not going to disappoint.

And that’s it! I feel like this was the year that I started to get back into mainstream music (kinda) and strayed away from just listening to K-pop. I’m excited to see how this list looks like in 2025!

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 2: Overexposed: ‘The Preschoolers’ of Higher Education.

December 15, 2024December 5, 2024 liz

Every Monday morning, I go into my coworker’s office to talk and catch up before the rest of the office comes in at 9AM. I always look forward to our “Monday Morning Meetings”, or the triple M as I like to call it. Most of the time, we talk about how our weekends went; she tends to have much more to talk about since she spends her weekend with her family. I tend to talk about just staying over my partner’s place and relaxing after a long work week. Sometimes, we venture out to talking about things in our personal lives and even though we were raised in different times in life (she is an early 80’s baby as I’m an early 90’s one), we’ve come to realize that we see a lot of ourselves in each other… besides the fact that she used to be a preschool teacher; I would never.

She explained that the most fascinating thing she’s witnessed when she was a teacher was watching the little kids learn new things and see the excitement on their faces when they did. Sure, it’s the things that as we get older become second nature to us, but watching a kid figure out something for the first time ever and being a part of that journey is what made the job memorable for her. Sure, I would laugh and commend her for even dealing with kids that young, but understand that those who work in elementary education in any capacity share that same feeling when talking about their kids. It’s– what you say–drives them. It’s what fuels them. It’s what keeps them going. It’s what keeps their passion alive, despite the negativity cogitation and politics that surround the field in general.

I don’t have the passion to change the lives of children, as I realized I just don’t work well with them. I’m patient, but not for children. What I am passionate about is helping and caring for people that I can somewhat relate to; it’s why I decided to go back to my stomping grounds of my alumna college and work there for 5 years now. I was once in these students’ shoes; an undergraduate walking the large campus for the first time and not knowing where the building of my next class was. I always refer back to the end of my junior year of college, sitting in my advisor’s office and having her tell me that I was 20 credits short and would not graduate on time unless I declared a second minor and took summer classes leading up to my senior year. I graduated on time because someone communicated with me about something no one cared to do for six out of the eight semesters of my undergraduate career.

I look back at that 21-year-old Liz and think about her a lot when doing my job now. She frequents back into my decision making when I am in a dilemma about doing what is right versus what feels right. I vowed to always be that person in higher education that is the connecting voice between staff and students. Students are allowed to know what is going on with their educational record and should always be told the correct information, despite on how our shitty our day is going or how overwhelmed we are feeling due to our busy times. They have it worse; most of us made it to our college graduations and earned our degrees already.

But maybe that’s just me being young and naive. Maybe in higher education, I am what you call a “preschool kid”. Maybe I am still too impressionable to truly see the reality of what it means to work in higher education.

Or maybe, just maybe, I carry so much passion when it comes to higher education.

Hi, my name is Liz, entering my 3rd year in higher education, and would rather be a ‘preschooler of higher ed’ than to just dim my light to be aligned with everyone else.

Lemme explain.

Some people will argue that I take my job way too seriously. Since the beginning, I’ve took a lot of my work home with me mentally, especially on the days where I feel the jadedness of higher education tries to challenge my morals and values in my field. People have to constantly remind me that “it’s just a job” or “don’t take it personal” or “you’re doing too much”, or my personal favorite: “what you’re doing is way above your pay grade.” People assume just because you are frustrated about one element of your job, you make it entirely about you and blah blah blah. Whatever.

Lately, my frustrations have stemmed from a place where I very much feel like I am in the middle of two different worlds within my field. I am metaphorically “not a girl, not yet a woman”; meaning I am not in the same class as those who work task-driven jobs, but not yet experienced enough to partake in conversations where my thoughts and opinions are taken to consideration. While I am great at what I do, I am constantly being humbled by those who still see me as being “too young” because of my work ethic. It’s the “oh dear, you still have high hopes for change in this field” from the people who’ve been in it for as long as I’ve been alive in some cases. It’s the politics and the hierarchy and this never ending superiority complex that people in this field have and–

Okay. Let me stop before I start sounding like one of those people in those podcasts who’ve worked in their industry long enough to see all the bad shit happen behind closed doors. Let me not be the Jaguar Wright of higher education now.

Being in the position I’m in now is allowing me to see the ugly side of higher education that I feel like many people before me have already seen. I am seeing the politics behind the institution. I am seeing the motives of city employees maintaining a cracked image. I am seeing just how many people come in just to clock in, get paid, and go home without caring about anyone else but themselves. Yes, I understand it is what it is, but it doesn’t make it right, especially if you are putting the academic career of a student at jeopardy.

So here I am, “holding space” for my youth in this field with flower patterns in my wardrobe and decorations around my desk while still upholding the status quo of my duties. I am still learning new things that fascinate me about the field, and policies that have been around long enough to even when I was a new student 12 years ago. I am still the preschool kid in higher education, thinking that all these things I am learning will help me grow and be wiser and to one day watch the new generation experience the things I once did.

But I refuse to become Jaded.

I refuse to let my current frustrations and the negativity cloud my vision of change. I refuse to stand in an assembly line with everyone else just trying to get to the end of the work day. I refuse to let others views and opinions take me down so early in my career; I will not let the misery that lingers in every career keep its company with mine. I will not become like my older peers when I get to be their age, and I will not let them silence me while projecting this idea that “the new generation is our future” in the same breath.

Let us take control of the outcome of our future. Let us keep our drive for change alive in hopes that one day, we can actually change the politics behind it. Laugh at me all you want; tell me you remember just how young and naive you were when you were my age and thinking that you thought you had the power to make significant change and–

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I am frustrated because I know that I am capable of being a part of conversation to innovate change. I am frustrated because this is the most confident I’ve been with myself and my work ever. I am in a position where there is so much left to learn, sure– I am not perfect and there is so much of the picture I cannot see yet– but give me the chance to show you that I am working towards getting there. I am frustrated because my passion is constantly being tested, but maybe it’s that same frustration that is making me want to work harder.

It’s just a job. Never take things personal. It’s way above your pay grade. You’re trying too hard.

It’s passion. It’s drive. It’s the excitement of learning new things and wanting to apply it to your everyday tasks. It’s seeing things in a lens that you never saw through before. Fuck it, it’s me being young and still new in this field.

But I refuse to let “older and wiser” turn into “bitter and anger”. I refuse to let decades of untouched politics in higher education stop me from attempting to make even a small change in it. I refuse to change who I am just to blend in into the green and yellow walls of our office, no matter how hard others may try. I refuse to let my passion in higher education fade away.

Category: Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 12: The Black Sheep’s Martyr: A Micah Monologue.