Category: Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 12: A Reflection of 2023.

liz

My first therapy session of the new year was all about how I measure my growth and success with years. “I find it fascinating how you use years as markers of your growth. It’s something I’ve noticed about you over the years.” I remember expressing my concerns for this year specifically. I remember telling her that I was afraid that this year would become the year that I would lose all the progress I’d made in the previous years. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle this next stage of life, worrying about more adult-like problems and learning how to solve them on my own. I was already getting bad ideas about what my 29th year would be like. “It all goes downhill when you turn 29, especially since you’ll be in Saturn’s return. That shit will break you, that’s for sure.”

In a way, I was right about what I said to my therapist. Those around me were right about your 29th year breaking you down. What I failed to realize (and didn’t expect) was that this year would’ve been my most transformative yet.

2023 was my transformation year.

I began the year feeling experimental in a way. I wanted to test the limits of my appearance and break my own boundaries of what beauty should look like. I went from having a dark auburn hair color to a bright red, and on top of that, I bleached my eyebrows. It was different, but it had become a staple and it represented who I was entering this year. I celebrated my birthday in good company, whether it was at work or earlier that day or back at home with my family or on a video chat with my closest friends. The year had begun on a good note, but what the rest of the winter months had in store for me was something I wasn’t ready or prepared for—

But can you truly prepare yourself for something you never saw coming? Not even the most pessimistic person can.

Life quickly reminded me that it’s nice to wear rose-tinted glasses and see the world as something I conquered at the very young age of 29. I had begun seeing true colors come out in scenarios I was too blind to see. I had begun to not trust anything anyone told me after losing trust in those I trusted with my life just days apart from each other. I went to work one Tuesday afternoon and cried in my boss’ office, asking if I could have an hour to have an emergency therapy session in the break room with my therapist. I had felt the most exposed since, well since I felt this same exact way back in high school when it happened. I was scared. I thought all the progress I had made in the last couple of years was now disappearing.

I had to step back from a lot of things that made me who I was: hobbies, interests, and the people I had cherished in my life.

Slowly, I was losing my identity and desperately was looking for a new one. Nothing that I had loved for the last couple of years felt right to me anymore, and I was slowly unable to use those interests and hobbies to escape reality anymore; not even when I felt like I was going into survival mode.

I thought cutting my hair and bleaching it to purple, then pink, then blonde would help start the process of rediscovering myself once again. For the next couple of months, I was left questioning what was truly right for me and how I was supposed to go back to a space where I felt like myself again. Newsflash: it wasn’t something I realized on one random day.

I questioned everything and everyone in my life at this point. I wanted to run away and start over like I did in the past. I felt like I was taking so many steps back from the progress I’ve made, and something just switched in me this summer.

I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to heal in a way I could never have done before. I wanted to gain control back in my life. I wanted to be gentle with myself as I was starting this new journey of finding myself again. What does Liz look like at the end of her twenties? What does she want to leave behind and what lessons does she want to take with her? Who is Liz at this very moment, after being completely stripped from whom she thought she knew about herself?

I decided to start doing things for myself without feeling guilty of putting myself first. I decided to go on solo adventures without feeling like I was a loser for doing so. I decided to set boundaries with not only the people in my life, but I learned how to set boundaries with myself too. I had to learn that I was not always the victim in bad situations; I was also responsible for any outcomes of these situations. I learned that my toxic traits deserved the same treatment as I gave those who were toxic for me, and I think that’s the big takeaway in the progress I’ve made this year; even more so, the transformation I’ve had this year.

I am not perfect, I am not a saint, and I am not “the main character”. I am a person who is capable of making mistakes, being the reason that others are feeling hurt and that I am nothing special (in a realistic way).

2023 had taught me that I always had what I wanted, to be quite honest. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and support myself in the ways I would for other people I’ve had as best friends. I’ve learned that Meg, my sibling, has been my one true friend all of these years despite us being two different people with two different lifestyles and interests. I’ve learned that trust is built by backing up your words with action; say what you mean and mean what you say, as I was once taught all those years ago. I’ve learned that with hard work, passion, and a new direction professionally, good things will come your way and that hard work does not go unnoticed.

For me, I was hired full-time at my job after a year and a half of being a part-time College Assistant. I am now salaried with benefits and protected by a union, and in a position where (finally) my master’s degree came into play to qualify me for this position. I love my job, and I am so grateful that in the year that I’ve known my boss, she has seen longevity and potential in me to be in such a higher position. I am grateful for coworkers like Christine who create space for me to unapologetically be myself. I am grateful for all of the wonderful women (and two men, who really make my job easy and collaborative; in a way, we are all a work family.

I’ve truly transformed into the best version of myself, and yes I know I say that tons of times, but this time feels different. I feel like everything that I endured and learned this year specifically is preparing me for the next decade of my life. This time last year, I was terrified of turning 29 solely because I felt like I was not ready to enter my 30s. This year, I feel so ready and excited to enter this next milestone in my life! 2023 has made me so excited to see what the future has in store for me: with a 30th birthday vacation happening next month, a sibling’s day out to see Chicago on Broadway in February, and potentially working towards going back to school in 2025 to get my doctoral degree.

Thank you, 2023, for being the year of transformation and redemption. It’s one that I’ll never forget in my journey.

Happy Holidays, blog readers! ♥️

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 11: Heard Through the Grapevine: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t help but continue looking at Mollie’s Instagram stories every time her profile picture lit up. Mollie was never the time to post a lot on there; she mainly had the app just to watch videos and occasionally post a picture here and there of some dance competition she won. Lately, her Instagram page went from her in dance costumes to her holding a microphone in her hand, standing in front of a band with instruments in the back.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that Mollie was now a part of Aaron’s so-called band. She would post videos of the venues she was performing at, or behind-the-scene photos of her and Aaron backstage of a show. I guess it hurt me more knowing the fact that Mollie didn’t tell me she was in a band now; I had to find out on Instagram as if I was just another random person following her online.

An incoming call stopped all of the videos that were playing for a slight second; in a way, I’m relieved that it snapped me back to reality and not completely sucked into my phone. I picked up the phone and leaned back against my bed. “Hey, Scout.”

“Hey, Milo,” Sophie greeted me. “Whatcha up to?”

“Nothing,” I said, looking up at my ceiling. “Just hanging out in my room. How about you?”

“Same,” Sophie answered. “My mum went grocery shopping so I’m just waiting for her to come back.” I nodded as if Sophie could see me. “I should be practicing for the show next week, but I’m just so lazy.”

“You have time, Scout,” I reassured her, smiling over the phone. “I mean, I haven’t practiced since our last rehearsal either, so we’re on the same boat.”

“Yeah, but you’re a dual major,” Sophie mentioned. “You were born to be great.” I shook my head at Sophie’s comment; sometimes I felt like she thought I was better than her in terms of talent because of my dual major status, but the truth be told is that she’s much more skilled than me. She can actually read music and play music by positioning her hands differently on a set strings. She never gives herself credit for the hard work and true talent she has.

“Even the greatest make mistakes at times,” I said. I could hear Sophie roll her eyes over the phone. “But good thing we’re only playing one song; it’s the songs for vocal that are killing me.”

“I would’ve thought that vocal would be easy,” Sophie commented. I rolled my eyes; not necessarily toward Sophie but more about the belief that vocal was the easier major. It made me feel like vocal should be easy, and it was far from it.

“You forget who the vocal teacher is,” I said. It was true; my dad made vocal class more like boot camp than an actual class at times. If it wasn’t the constant quartet quizzes, it was learning new songs every other week for a performance. “I feel like he’s always on my case about a missing note or a sharp pitch or something stupid like that.”

“He just wants the best for you,” Sophie reassured. “He knows you’re capable of doing great things as a dual major.”

“I guess,” I dismissed, trying to change the subject. “Do you want to come to the studio to rehearse the piece for the show? I can ask my dad if you can come tomorrow to practice.”

“Are you sure?” Sophie asked. “It’s okay if we went to a park or something to practice.”

“Scout, it’s the middle of winter,” I noted. “It’s totally okay for you to come over to practice.” I felt Sophie’s shift through the phone, and I get it; the last time Sophie was here, my dad had caught us in the house without an adult, which freaked her out since. I just wanted to hang out with someone that actually wanted to hang out with me.

“Okay,” Sophie caved in. “Only if it okay with your dad.” I smiled through the phone. I was excited to practice with Sophie. I always felt like the music connected us as friends even more, and it was something that I always looked forward to whenever we got the chance… whenever I had the chance.

It wasn’t much after that I heard my dad and Jennifer loudly talk in the hallway, walking back and forth across my bedroom door. Jennifer seemed annoyed, and my dad sound like he was trying to calm her down.

“Babe, she’s probably just out with her friends,” I heard my dad say. “She’s a teenager, this is what they do.”

“I’m sick of it, Milo!” I heard Jennifer yell out. “Like my mom expects Mollie to be at dance rehearsals after school; what the fuck am I suppose to tell her when she realizes she’s been a no-show or weeks?” Mollie? Why are they talking about Mollie?

“Hey Scout, I have to go,” I said to Sophie over the phone. “I’m gonna ask my dad about practicing tomorrow and text you when I get an answer.”

“Of course,” Sophie said. “I’ll text you.” The phone line disconnected shortly after. I threw my phone on the bed and walked towards my bedroom door to listen to the conversation outside.

“I get that you’re trying to be a good sister and have her back, but she’s also one of your dancers. Mollie made an obligation to go to rehearsals and participate in the academy.” I heard my dad talk to Jennifer. Mollie isn’t going to dance rehearsal? It kind of made me a little mad in a way. Dance was Mollie’s favorite thing to do in the world; she would constantly talk about going to dance practice after school and how she couldn’t miss one of them. I know this has all to do with her hanging out with Aaron these days; how could she let a guy get between her and her passion? What was she truly getting out of it being his groupie for his band?

“I’m just sick and tired of her not telling any one of us the truth,” Jennifer started to say. “What do I tell my mom when it’s time for a recital and Mollie is out there not knowing what to do? She’s going to first ask me where the hell she’s been if she hasn’t been in rehearsal.” I cracked open my bedroom door just a tiny bit so that I was able to hear the conversation better. “Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl.”

“Like I said, she’s a teenager,” my dad said. I poked my head outside of my bedroom door and saw my dad putting his arms around Jennifer. “We were once teenagers, we did stupid shit and never told our parents.”

“I’m her sister, not her parent though,” Jennifer corrected. “I just wish she would come to me and talk to me. For fuck’s sake, if it’s a boy then fine, I get it but—“

A loud thud is heard, and I immediately looked down to see my phone had fallen out of my pocket. I quickly picked it up, looking back up to see Jennifer and my dad look at me now.

“Everything okay, Milo?” My dad asked. I walk out of my bedroom, pretending to just walk out and not know what was going on.

“Yeah, just gonna go get a bottle of water,” I said, walking into the kitchen to grab a bottle. I don’t look at Jennifer in the eyes; I didn’t want her knowing what I knew about Mollie’s whereabouts. Of course, that doesn’t stop her from asking.

“Have you spoken to Mollie by any chance?” Jennifer asked me. I turned around as I closed the refrigerator door.

“No, why?” I asked, playing dumb. I looked over at my dad who’s looking at me now. I know he knows.

“Just asking, since you both are best friends,” Jennifer mentioned. I cringed at the word “best friend”. We haven’t been that for the longest time now.

“Yeah, no; I haven’t spoke to to her recently,” I said, looking back at my dad. His eyes don’t come off of me, which is making feel like I need to jump out of my skin. “I’m gonna go downstairs and practice for a bit.” I walked out of the living room area; each step away from my dad is one step closer to relief. He knows I know. He knows something is going on. He’s heard through the grapevine about Mollie for sure.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 10: As Told By Black Sheep: A Rosie Monologue.

liz

The thing I hate about Micah is that he will go below the belt and bring up something just so that he is in control of the argument. In our case, it’s about the night we hooked up.

Yes. We hooked up one night and I’ve regretted it ever since.

We had gotten high in Micah’s bathroom one night when he invited me over. He insisted I stay at his place while his family were away with his younger sisters. Micah chose to not go, which didn’t surprise me at all. Micah never seemed to want to do anything with his family, which I didn’t understand. They seemed to be like a decent family, but I guess Micah thought otherwise.

“You know you can stay here for the night,” Micah insisted, once we left our campus. “My folks are on some college tour trip with my sisters, so it’s not like you have to worry about them coming home.”

“I’m fine,” I said, zipping up my winter coat all the way to my chin. I don’t know what possessed me to wear a skirt with some torn-up stockings, but I was fucking freezing. I guess Micah could read through the bullshit, as he wasn’t having it.

“Dude, it’s cold as fuck out here,” Micah mentioned. “I know your apartment sucks with the heat. I’m not trying to wake up tomorrow morning learning you died from hyperthermia or some shit.” Micah had a way of telling you that he cared about you in the weirdest ways possible. I rolled my eyes, not really wanting to fight with Micah in the middle of a dark campus in freezing weather.

“Fine; if it makes you feel better, I’ll crash at your place,” I said, sighing at y defeat. Micah immediately smiled, leading the way toward the bus stop. “Next thing you need to get is a car, Micah.”

“I’m working on it,” Micah turned around to say.

…

I don’t remember how long it took us to finally get to Micah’s place, but what I do remember is the neighborhood he lived in. It was in the nicer part of Brooklyn; one that you would raise a family in and send your kid to the school down the block. It was funny to think about; Micah had this demeanor about him that seemed like he grew up in the hood or some shit. One of these days, someone is going to give him a reality check if they find out that he grew up in a two-parent household, in an actual house in an actual nice neighborhood.

“Nice place you got here,” I said, looking around the living room area. Micah looked at me funny, but didn’t say anything to me. He looked around with me, dropping his bag in the living room.

“Thanks, my parents really know how to decorate a place,” Micah said, not really interested in the choice of topic. He laughed, knowing that me complimenting the décor of his house was a weird move on my part. “Let me go grab something for you to sleep in.”

“I could just sleep in my clothes,” I quickly said, standing in the middle of the living room. Micah looked at me, cocking an eyebrow.

“A t-shirt and tiny ass skirt that you thought was cute to wear in the freezing cold?” Micah teased, crossing his arms along his chest. I sucked my teeth and rolled my eyes.

“Okay, fine!” I gave in, not wanting to get into it with Micah. Micah was stubborn as fuck; I learned that early on in our friendship. When Micah left the living room, I began to look around at the pictures that surrounded the cozy home. I can tell Micah’s parents were madly in love with each other; photos of themselves were all over the place. Micah looks so much like his mother, it’s kind of freaky. More pictures of Micah and his family were on the walls, many from when he was just a kid. He seemed happier when he was a kid. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Micah smile that big before since knowing him. What happened? What could have possibly gone wrong for him to be the way he is now?

“I hope this is fine,” I heard Micah’s voice close to me, which caused me to jump up, scared. It’s been hard for me to adjust my fight or flight response since that night at Prescott’s; even when I was back in Philly with Hudson, every time he would come into the room and I didn’t hear him, I would scream in fear. It was hard to get out of my own head, that Prescott wasn’t there to sneak up behind me and hurt me like he would when things weren’t going his way.

I looked at Micah, who looked visibly upset. I didn’t mean for him to feel like he did something wrong; he truly didn’t. It’s truly my fault.

“Thanks, Micah,” I said, taking the clothes from Micah. He stood there, clearly not knowing what he should do after scaring the living shit out of me. “Sorry, I’m just a little bit… jumpy. Thought it was one of your parents or something.” No, I didn’t, but I lied just to make sure Micah didn’t blame himself for scaring me.

“It’s okay,” Micah simply said, forcing a smile on his face. “Come to the bathroom once you’re done changing.”

“Huh?” I asked, confused. “Why would we both be in the bathroom at the same time?”

“Roe,” Micah deadpanned. “Just come to the goddamn bathroom,” Micah said and laughed, walking toward the bathroom with a chair from the dining area.

The bathroom is dark, but Micah plugs in a speaker with an LED light. I kept looking at him every time he would enter the bathroom with something new. His lack of explanation was bothering me.

“Micah, what the fuck are we doing in here?” I finally asked. Micah smiled, which made me ease up a little bit. Our banter always seems to be comforting for both of us; I think that’s why whenever things feel a little too tense or serious, we just go back to what we know. Micah reaches for something underneath the sink; a long, metal ashtray-looking thing. I immediately looked back up at Micah; he definitely didn’t see him as the type who actually smoked so casually inside his parent’s house.

“Do you smoke?” Micah asked me, placing the tray on his lap, and sitting on the edge of the tub. I didn’t know what to tell him, considering I used to live on the streets of Philly surrounded by people who smoked anything and everything. I wasn’t one of them, but I definitely smoked every now and then when I needed to take the edge off of it. Many of the times I did smoke did not end on good terms, though. “I ask because I do.”

“I remember you saying that back at The Lounge,” I said, watching Micah take a nugget of weed outside of the ziplock bag. “Is that the bootleg shit you bought back at The Lounge from that sketchy ass guy?”

“Ha, ha,” Micah deadpanned, continuing to roll up the weed. “This is from Tanner’s brother, I usually cop my bud from him.” I knew who Tanner was; he was the tall, awkward blonde guy that is dating Micah’s friend, Dani. I only know that because there were times I would see the three of them enter the Student Center whenever I had a shift at the bookstore. It must be nice to have an actual group of friends that care about you. I don’t let Micah know that I actually know who his friends are; I think it would be weird.

“Who’s Tanner?” I asked. Micah cocked an eyebrow at me, realizing that he never actually introduced me to his group of friends.

“Tanner’s one of my closest friends,” Micah simply answered.

“Is he the really tall guy with the blonde hair? Always with that short white girl that you’re always yelling at?” I asked. Micah gave me a puzzled look as if he was trying to read my mind. Micah tended to do that at times whenever we were having a conversation. In a way, it made me feel like he knew that I knew more than I led on. Of course, he didn’t question me about it.

“Yeah, that’s his girlfriend, Dani,” Micah said, finally lighting the blunt he rolled. “My parents are best friends with her parents, so we’re more like family than friends.” I know, Micah. I can totally see just how sibling-like you guys are when you argue in the middle of the Student Center.

“That’s cool,” I said, feeling a bit awkward. The bathroom was silent for a couple of minutes before Micah reached out to pass the blunt to me. I look at him, not really knowing what I should do.

“It’s okay if you wanna smoke, Roe,” Micah finally said, still holding out the blunt. “No judgment whatsoever. This is a safe space.” I slowly take the blunt from Micah’s hands and begin to smoke it. I can’t lie, Micah knew what he was doing rolling this shit up. Only the seasoned pros knew how to roll, so it just made me wonder just how long Micah had been smoking. I immediately began to take a couple of pulls; every one feeling a bit looser and calm.

“What if I told you that smoking this broke my sobriety?” I teased, trying to convince Micah that I was serious. I guess it worked, because Micah immediately looks worried as fuck. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Dude, I’m joking!” Micah finally released the biggest sigh of relief.

“That was mad convincing,” Micah said, taking a pull from the blunt. “I mean we never drank or smoke before together, so I wouldn’t have known.”

“Nah,” I said, taking the blunt that Micah passed. “I never had the money to afford it. Plus, my boyfriend at the time was a total junkie. I didn’t want to be anything like him.” I felt myself rambling on at this point, but I felt comfortable talking to Micah. I’ve gotten to known Micah these last couple of months and realize that he’s a listener. He never really talks about himself unless the conversation takes it there. He always seemed to listen to me, which I felt was odd. What me? What was it about me that made someone want to listen? “Like he literally would beat the shit out of me thinking I stole his drug money whenever he couldn’t afford it.”

“Roe,” Micah finally said. Roe. The nickname that Micah gave me that I hated at first but grown to find comfort in it. It was simple, and only Micah ever called me by it. Our friendship was simple, even when we both are complicated as fuck. I looked at Micah, continuing to speak what was on my mind.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but I stayed with him for years. There wasn’t anyone in my life to tell me how a guys should treat you, and what a guy does when he truly loves you. I thought my relationship was normal. Until it wasn’t.” I passed the blunt to Micah.

“And your parents didn’t do anything?” He asked.

“No,” I simply answered. “I was emancipated from my parents by the time I turned 18, but it had felt like I was for even longer than that. They didn’t give a shit about me.” Micah passed the blunt back to me without taking any pulls.

“Finish it,” he simply said. I just nodded, taking another pull from the blunt.

“It’s why I don’t go back to Philly; why go back to the place where you felt like shit, we’re tested like shit, and everything that was once good turned into shit?” There was a long pause after saying that. I felt weird; maybe being so vocal about my life made Micah uncomfortable. Maybe this is a good time to get up and say I have to go or some shit. Before I was able to get up to readjust myself, Micah’s voice echoed in the small bathroom.

“Sometimes I wish my family didn’t care about me,” he began to say. I looked at him, lost in thought. “Maybe then it would’ve been easier to kill myself when I was younger.”

I looked at Micah as he started to roll up another blunt from the tray. Micah didn’t seem like the type that would ever be suicidal. He had a white ego; one that was fed by the presence of other people. He definitely had his own issues, but he never seemed to be the type to feel defeated to the point he would even have suicidal thoughts.

“Well,” I began to say, wanting to say something meaningful. “I’m glad you didn’t follow through with that. And I’m glad your family cares about you enough for you to know that you are loved. You are an important member of this society.”

“You too, Roe,” Micah looked at me to say before continuing rolling the second blunt.

“Am I though?” I genuinely asked. I thought about those back in Philly that I left behind. I think about all the people that came and went in my life; where are those people now? I know I’m disposable, and I’ve learned to accept that. “Nobody would truly miss me if I was dead.” It’s true, and it’s why I don’t get close to anyone in my life anymore. It’s why I only keep people that I can get something out of it to benefit me.

“I would,” Micah whispered. Besides Micah.

“You just met me though,” I softly said, high and defeated. “How could you miss someone you just met?”

“Because I lost my shit when you were in the hospital,” Micah confessed as he looked at me. “Like, fuck Rosie. I would fucking lose my shit if I found out anything were to ever happen to you, and that’s how I know. No one gets me like you do. No one; not even my best friends and family. Just you. You just fucking get me.”

“And you just fucking get me too,” I said back, slightly teasing Micah but being honest with him. He gently grabbed the palm of my hand after trying to grab the metal ashtray from his lap. I looked at him, not moving an inch closer or away. I didn’t know what to think or do at that moment. I remember liking it though. Fuck; of course I did.

“Micah,” I began to say. “Do you mind if I roll up the next one?” Micah doesn’t answer back right away. He sits there, heavy in his thoughts. Micah was always so confident in his demeanor and the way that he spoke to other people. This was a first for him, except this time he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

…

The next thing I knew I was lying on Micah’s bed, looking up at him as he crawled on top of me and continued to kiss me. Why did this feel right? What did this mean? How did this even happen in the first place? Music continued to play in Micah’s room, and I voluntarily began to take off my clothes. Micah was a gentle lover. He held you as he kissed you, caressed your body in positions that fit with his body. He wasn’t just some guy that fucked chicks for the hell of it, at least that’s not how it happened that night.

But like all good things in life, they come to an end once the high of it all wears off.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 9: Tape #10: Biology Class Blues.

liz

The bell rings and students begin walking inside the science lab classroom. Milo walks to one of the lab seats, places his book bag on the ground, and takes out his notebook.

The biology teacher, Ms. Swanson, enters the classroom, immediately beginning the class once the second bell rings.

Ms. Swanson: Okay class, please take a seat at one of our lab desks so that we can get today’s assignment started.

Milo looks up when he hears someone sitting across from him. It’s Gwen Mesdrow, a girl with long, stringy black hair that nearly covers the majority of her face. Milo rolls his eyes before looking down at the notebook.

Ms. Swanson: Before we get started, can anyone explain to the class what is the process called when one cell splits into two within the human body?

The class stays silent. Ms. Swanson looks around the class before she sighs.

Ms. Swanson: This is basic biology terminology; everyone in the class should know this.

Milo looked around to see if anyone else knew the answer. He kept his head down, avoiding eye contact with the teacher. He clearly also did not know it.

Milo watches Gwen raise her hand, in which Ms. Swanson points at her.

Ms. Swanson: Gwen?

Gwen: It’s called Mitosis. It’s the process when a cell replicates its chromosomes to then split them into two, creating two identical cells in preparation for other stages of cell division.

Milo looks up at Gwen, amazed at the answer she gave for the class. He knew Gwen was one of the smartest kids in their sophomore class, but he didn’t realize just how smart she truly was in comparison to everyone else in this specific class.

Ms. Swanson: Beautifully put, Gwen; thank you.

Gwen turned around to face forward in her seat, quickly glancing at Milo before looking back down at her notebook.

Milo: *whispers* That was so easy how you put it.

Gwen: *confused* Huh?

Milo: The answer. You’ve explained Mitosis better than Ms. Swanson ever did in class.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back as Ms. Swanson stops her lecture and looks at Milo.

Ms. Swanson: Milo, would you like to add anything to our discussion?

There’s a slight pause in the room; nothing was said and the only sound in the room was from the other students turning their bodies to look at Milo. Milo appears nervous.

Milo: I was agreeing with you, in that Gwen put it in an easily understandable way.

Ms. Swanson doesn’t say anything back. She turns around and continues to teach the lesson.

Later in the class, Ms. Swanson picks up last week’s lab assignments and directs the class’ attention.

Ms. Swanson: *walks around, handing out papers* For those that did not do well on this lab report, I strongly recommend going to one of our after-school tutors before next week’s midterm exam.

Ms. Swanson places Milo’s lab report upside down on the desk. Milo flips it over to see the grade; a 55/100. Milo looks up at Ms. Swanson, who is now handing Gwen’s paper to her facing upwards, revealing the 100/100 grade.

Ms. Swanson: Please use all the possible resources we offer as you all know, a failing grade affects your major status at Waverly; especially those who are dual majors.

Ms. Swanson looks at Milo before moving toward another table. Milo looks at his failing grade again. The bell rings and all of the other students begin to pack their bags to leave the classroom. Milo watches Gwen get up from her seat with her book bag over one shoulder.

Milo: *gets up* Gwen!

Gwen jumps, quickly turning around to look at Milo. Gwen turns around, walking toward the exit of the classroom. Milo follows her.

Milo: *runs* Wait, Gwen!

Gwen: *turns around* What?

Milo stops running when he sees Gwen turn around abruptly, trying to not run into her.

Milo: How’d you do on your last lab report?

Gwen: Why?

Milo: You probably got the highest grade in our class.

Gwen: Again, what does that have to do with you knowing my grade?

Milo: *fidgets in place* Well, Biology isn’t my strong suit, and I didn’t do well on my last report.

Gwen: Once again; what does that have to do with me and my grade?

Milo sighs when the warning bell for the next class rings.

Milo: I need someone who can break down this class in a way that I can understand.

Gwen: *dismissive* Ms. Swanson said there are tutors in the student center; ask one of them to help you.

As Gwen starts walking away, Milo follows her, walking alongside her in the hallway. Gwen looks up at Milo before looking straight ahead.

Milo: But you actually make this stupid shit make sense; I really need to pass this class or—

Once again, Gwen stops mid-walk and looks over to Milo.

Gwen: I know. You’ll fail, and then your precious dual major is jeopardized. Instead of using me just to get a better grade in a class, you should really go ask a tutor to help you.

Gwen walks away from Milo, leaving him in the middle of the hallway. Not long after that, Milo’s name is heard. He turns around to see Jennifer and Nicki walking toward him.

Jennifer: Dude, we were calling you for like a straight 5 minutes! Who the hell were you even talking to?

Milo: *shakes his head* A nerd. A nobody.

Milo looks away and walks in the other direction, towards Jennifer and Nicki.

The "Something" Series: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 8: Setting Something in Stone: A Grace Monologue.

liz

Car rides tend to be where Jamie and I spoke the most, even when we were on good terms.

We once sat in traffic in New York for nearly 45 minutes during a random snowstorm in November. Christmas music was already playing on the radio, which I immediately turned off to save any Christmas spirit I had in me for the year.

“You’re feeling very Grinch-like tonight,” Jamie teased, looking at me huffing in the passenger seat.

“I hate city traffic,” I said, shaking my head and looking out the car window. “This is why I take the subway to get where I need to go.”

“Well, on a holiday weekend you know it’s impossible to get anywhere on time,” Jamie mentioned. I looked at him and cocked my eyebrow up.

“Oh, so you’re a native New Yorker now?” I teased Jamie.

“Are you a native New Yorker?” Jamie looked at me and asked. “What borough is Virginia located in?” I nudged Jamie as he started to laugh out loud. He had such an obnoxious, but contagious laugh. I couldn’t stay mad at him.

“I just wished that for one holiday season, I wasn’t in New York,” I said, leaning my head on the back of the car seat. “Everyone makes New York out to be this magical ass place during the holiday, which just makes it more dirty, more polluted, and unpleasing to actually experience.” I looked over at Jamie; he wore a perplexed look on his face. It didn’t click on me until after saying my hate for tourists that I realized that technically, Jamie was one too.

“I’m enjoying my holiday season in New York,” Jamie confessed, looking forward at the traffic. “But as a native New Yorker, I can see where you’re coming from.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at Jamie’s banter.

“You’re different,” I said to Jamie. “You’re not solely here to just experience Christmas in New York. You’re here for a job; plus, you’re not that annoying.” I teased Jamie; he immediately smiled and shook his head.

“Thanks,” Jamie said, sarcastically. He leaned his head back, finally relaxing and surrendering to the traffic. He looks at me and smiles. “I have my reasons for enjoying New York right now.”

“Yeah?” I playfully said. “And what are those reasons?”

“I get to spend the holidays with the most beautiful girl in the world,” Jamie said, smiling wide. “And I happened to had found her living in a one-bedroom apartment in New York City.”

…

“Is this the place?” Jamie has asked me as he pulled up to the parking garage out front. I was finally back at the hotel for the night. I didn’t say anything, I just nodded my head. Jamie pulled into the parking garage to drop me off towards the front of the hotel.

Once we get to the front, Jamie turns off the car. The radio isn’t playing anymore, and we both sit in the car in silence. Jamied sighed before he spoke.

“You want to call Sahim so that he can come and get you?” Jamie asked. I immediately looked at Jamie, angry that he would even bring Sahim up. What did Sahim tell you? What the hell was that suppose to mean?

“I can get to my room by myself,” I spat out, unfastening the seat belt to get out of the car.

“It’s late, and anything can happen in a hotel like this,” Jamie argued, finally looking at me. I can tell he was; the headlights of the car are faced toward a wall and the light hits his face. “You should call him downstairs.”

“Listen, I don’t know what you guys spoke about back at Skylar’s place, but I don’t appreciate you assuming anything about Sahim and I. It’s none of your business.” I spat out at Jamie.

“Is he not your boyfriend now?” Jamie scrunched his eyebrows together. “The way he spoke about you back at Skylar’s place; he very much seemed like you had wedding bells and future children in the works.”

“Are you jealous?” I crossed my arms, trying to change the subject of this narrative.

“Grace, please,” Jamie said, adjusting in his seat. “I have a girlfriend. That would be inappropriate.” To hear Jamie say he has a girlfriend took me off-guard. Why did it make me feel the way that I feel right now? Jamie has the right to move on, Grace. You do too.

“Then maybe you should go home to her,” I said. “She wouldn’t like the fact that you’re sitting in a parking garage with your ex this late at night.”

“She’s not possessive, like my ex,” Jamie spat back. “I was just trying to do the right thing and get you a ride home since it was my fault that your plans were cancelled with your cousin–“

“Let’s set something in stone, Jamie,” I interrupted him, now sitting up with my body completely turned over toward Jamie. “I didn’t need your help tonight. I could’ve took a cab back here, but you wanted to so bad sit me down in a car just so that you had any chance to talk to me.”

“You really think I’m that type of person, Grace?” Jamie asked, angry at my response. I know he wasn’t, but I know that he knows this was going to be the only time he and I would have a chance to talk, yet that chance to do so left when I left New York and California. I began to open the passenger’s side door to get out of the car.

“Good night, Jamie,” I said, walking away from the car.

“Grace, call him,” Jamie shouted from the car. “It’s not safe-“

“Leave me alone!” I turned around, yelling in Jamie’s direction. “I’m not your fucking responsibility!” Jamie quickly gets out from the car, looking over the hood of the car facing me.

“For fuck’s sake, Grace! You’re in a foreign country where you have no fucking clue what could happen to foreigners at night!” Jamie shouted. I turned around, walking toward the doors leading to the front of the hotel. It wasn’t until I got to the front where I see a man yell at me toward the side of the building. I couldn’t understand his Korean; it sound like it was a different dilect than I was used to hearing. He reaked of alcohol, and he began to get closer to me. Fuck.

“Ya,” I hear Jamie’s voice echo through the parking lot. He steps in front of me, talking to the guy in a loud voice toward the Korean man. The man quickly walks away from us, acting as if nothing was happening. Once the guy completely left the area, Jamie turned around to face me. I don’t say anything to him because if I did, I would prove him right: I should have called Sahim downstairs to get me.

“Come on,” Jamie said, walking toward the entrance of the hotel. “What floor are you on?”

“Jamie,” I said, less aggressive than I had since leaving Skylar’s place.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Jamie said. “I’m walking you upstairs whether you like it or not.” I didn’t object; I was actually quite scared to go upstairs on my own after what just happened. Of course, I won’t let him see it. I just sighed, walking up to Jamie as we both entered the hotel together.

…

“This is it,” I finally said as we got up to the 7th floor to my room. I took out my key to open the door and go inside.

“I just want you to be safe while you’re here,” Jamie softly said. I looked back at Jamie before entering my room. He looked tired, but so relieved that I was finally home. His hair was a brown black color, wavy and kempt. He had his glasses on; the pair he used to wear back in New York. He looked as if America never came into his life; like a true Korean living in his country. But then I remember that as long as I’m here, I’m just a reminder that America came into his life, and now it stands in front of this hotel room after almost getting hurt by a drunk, Korean man.

“Thanks for the ride home,” I said, exhausted from tonight’s activities. “Have a good night, Jamie.”

“You too Grace,” Jamie answered. I slowly turned the doorknob to let myself into my hotel room. I turn around once I entered the room. I slowly closed the front door, leaving Jamie behind. In my past. In the dark.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 7: A Voiceless Rant: December 2023 Edition.

liz

You know it’s December when you’re at your office job, bored out of your office mind, writing blog posts for the Twelve Letters of Lizmas.

It’s funny, I feel as if many people (besides those in retail; y’all are going through it right now but those paychecks probably are looking really nice) can agree on this: the holiday season is when most people take their annual leave for the holidays, the college semesters are coming to an end and public schools are getting ready for Christmas break. It’s just a very slow time for all of us here at The Registrar’s Office, so I figured why not kill some time by writing another installment of:

These posts only come once a year, like the holiday season.

I feel like as a society, our minds are constantly on getting through the holidays as smooth and cost-friendly as possible. As I get older, I realize more and more that the smartest way to get through the holiday season is to start your shopping early! Of course, it’s not always easy to put life on pause to get your Christmas shopping together, but as someone who gets paid bi-weekly, it requires a lot of planning on how to spend your money to make it to the next paycheck. For me, I finished my shopping after I decided that I was going to California for my 30th birthday this January. That’s truly been the ultimate task: getting the holiday stuff done while saving for a trip.

I’ve only ever been on a plane once in my life, and that was back in early 2020 to Florida. The only difference was that I went and stayed with a college friend, and it was a solo trip. So while it was my first trip outside of the tri-state area, I didn’t experience the full “travel trip” experience. This time around, I am traveling with another person and staying at a hotel! The actual preparation for this trip feels much different this time around; a big reason being that we’re doing all of this during the holiday season. Like, people actually do this? Book trips and travel during the holiday season? And have to buy gifts and all of that? I’m lucky that I’m just trying to save up for the gist of having to do things for the holiday season.

I feel like this post is going absolutely nowhere, but I feel like I say the same exact thing every time I write one of these rants.

…

Anyway, I’m excited for everything that’s yet to come this next year! In 2024, I will be turning 30, which is a pretty big deal for me. I feel like 29 has prepared me for what is yet to come in the next decade of my life. I don’t know how to explain it, but my 29th year has felt like a more life-altering experience than my previous years. I feel like at 29, I had to unlearn things that I’ve known for most of my life, and I really had to start doing things differently in different aspects of my life.

They say that 29 is your Saturn return, which in a nutshell means it’s a time in your life when you are faced with major challenges that ultimately transform you as a person. To some extent, I believe it.

I believe that the challenges and obstacles I faced earlier this year have helped me learn new ways to handle and practice conflict resolution in ways I normally wouldn’t have done in the past. In a professional setting, I’ve learned that the most efficient way to resolve a conflict is to always follow policy and stick to the facts… it’s only when things get nasty that you move it to a supervisor. Within my new position at the office, I am learning ways to handle conflict in the areas that I manage without the assistance of my boss; it’s just one of those things I want to master not as just a person in this position, but as someone who’s fight or flight response is forever triggered due to social anxiety. In a personal/social setting, I am learning that conflicts are conversations that need to be had, whether or not they are easy ones to have. Avoiding conflict will not make you a happier person, trust me; I’ve done it for years. Speaking up for yourself and knowing that there is potential for it to turn into a conflict or argument is just the process of it all. I’ve learned that when you do that and there’s conflict involved, sometimes you inevitably have to do what’s best for you if boundaries are not being respected and/or crossed.

That’s another thing, never bend your own boundaries. Even more so, you as a person shouldn’t cross your own boundaries! If you tell yourself that one of your boundaries is to give yourself space for some self-care, don’t go and make yourself available when you know you should be taking those self-care hours. If your cup is not filled enough to fill other people’s cups, then don’t try to fill up theirs first. It’s these tiny details in life that really help me learn what healthy boundaries look and feel like. This is always a work in progress, but I’ve definitely have gotten to a place where the outcome has been more positive the more I practice setting boundaries.

There’s still a lot I need to work on, and I think next year will be the year where I actually discipline myself to do things better and think more strategically as an adult needing to make more adult-like decisions. With that being said, I think this year has helped me grow much more than I thought I was going to, and I’m excited to explore life with this new outlook on life.

Okay, it’s nearing 4:30pm; time to get ready to clock out for the day!

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 6: Conflict of Interest: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

“Serrano,” I teased Aaron as I walked up to him during passing. Aaron smiled, grabbing his books from his locker and closing it.

“Damn, am I in trouble?” Aaron played along, kissing my forehead once I got closer to him. Ugh, the butterflies. He laughed as he tussled my hair; it was one of his favorite things to do.

“Yeah,” I finally said, being more serious. “Why is the vocal part for this new song so fucking high? Are you trying to kill me or something?”

“Mols,” Aaron looked at me. “I made it that high because I know you can hit that high note.”

“It doesn’t mean that it’ll sound good,” I said under my breath, not looking at Aaron. He gently lifted my chin so I could now look at him.

“You are an amazing singer, Mols,” Aaron said. “I’m going to need you to start believing it.” He smiled as he slowly released my face from his hand. “So the Foxtrot Marriott show starts at 7 this Friday and we are the last to perform, as per your request.” I smiled at Aaron’s snarky remark.

“Yeah, only because I literally have a showcase for my sister’s dance academy,” I said, rolling my eyes. I look at Aaron who is waving at a guy that called out his name across the hallway during passing. I always wondered how Aaron got to know everyone in the school already. Aaron was known as if he’s been a student at Waverly for a long time. Maybe that just comes with being a dual major; you know everyone since you do twice the things a normal student would do. Who knows?

“How’s rehearsal for that going?” Aaron asked and finally looked at me. I snap out of thought and look back at him, sighing.

“It’s alright; a lot, but alright,” I said, slightly fibbing the truth. The truth was that Jennifer has been on my case about showing up to rehearsal and not knowing the routine as quickly as I did in the past. In a sense, I feel like this is how the dual majors feel; having to sacrifice one thing over the other when showcases and recitals happen. If it’s not the dance recital, it’s preparation for the Black History Month showcase at Waverly. If it’s not Waverly, it’s shows for Aaron’s band.

The bell rings and the students roaming the halls begin to walk to their classrooms. Aaron grabs his bookbag and throws it on his shoulder. I wish I was able to skip class for the day and just disappear for the day. I don’t; I know Aaron would be sad if I didn’t come to vocal at the end of the day, but I am dreading rehearsal for that.

“I’ll see you in vocal, Mols,” Aaron said, wrapping his free arm around me for a hug. “Remember we have quartets today.” Trust me, I remember.

“See you later, Aaron,” I said back, watching Aaron walk down the hall towards his next class. My smile fades away as soon as he leaves. I turn the other way to walk to my next class, and to my surprise I see Milo still at his locker. I haven’t spoken to Milo since the last time he came over my house and he had left to go and meet up with Sophie. Instead of passing by him and his locker, I take the other staircase and go upstairs to my next class.

…

I hate that I’m one of the first people to get to vocal before class starts. Today wasn’t any different. I walk into the vocal room and see Mr. Kamalani sit at hide desk.

“Good Afternoon, Miss Castro,” Mr. Kamalani said. “Are you ready for today’s quartets?”

“I guess,” I said, placing my bookbag on the floor next to my chair.

“Well,” Mr. Kamalani began to say as he got up from his seat. “I hope that you took the feedback from our last quartets and practiced for today.” He leaned against the piano and looked at me with his arms crossed along his chest. “Is everything okay, Mollie?” Oh boy, not the first name.

“Everything is fine,” I answered, feeling a bit annoyed.

“I understand you have other obligations outside of Waverly,” he continued to hint. “But your school work is just as important as your extracurricular activities.”

“I told Jennifer I’m coming to dance rehearsal today,” I finally said, knowing where this conversation was heading. “You can tell Jennifer to relax.”

“I’m not referring to that,” Mr. Kamalani corrected. “I’m referring to all the time you are spending with Aaron. I don’t want you failing your major class when you are easily one of my best students.” Slowly, my other classmates begin to walk into the room. Mr. Kamalani greets the other students as they walked in.

“Good Afternoon, Mr. Kamalani, Ms. Lee,” he said as Milo walked by the classroom. I looked at Milo has he said goodbye to Sophie at the door. I rolled my eyes, looking away from their weird encounter.

Passing by Milo and Sophie at the door was Aaron. “Good Afternoon, Mr. Serrano,” Mr. Kamalani said.

“What’s up, Mr. Kamalani!” Aaron greeted back. “Time to do these quartets, y’all,” Aaron had said to everyone else in the classroom. I couldn’t help but smile at Aaron’s positive attitude. Let it be Aaron Serrano to piss everyone off yet make me feel at ease after a stressful day.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 5: Liz, My True Best Friend.

liz

I can remember the names of every best friend I’ve had since I was four years old. I always had a best friend. It was that feeling that the person you told your deepest secrets to, the person that you saw every day and knew every little thing about, was what made having a best friend so fun. Like every best friend, there were fights, falling outs, and everything else that came with having someone in your life that meant that much to you.

When I was younger, I saw my best friends more than just that. They were sisters, they were brothers, and some became crushes at one point. Some of these best friends shaped me as as person growing up, and others taught me life lessons that I still live by to this day. Most, if not all, have taught me one important lesson that I never fully understand until I lost my best friends through disagreements, arguments, or simply just growing apart.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am truly my own best friend.

People say this all the time when we are growing up; at the end of the day, you only have yourself to support, care, and love for once everyone else leaves. The person you spend the most time on this earth is truly yourself, and even though it’s important to have connections with other people, it’s also important to know that your own company is the one that truly matters. Spend your time on good terms with yourself, treat yourself the way that you would treat others. It wasn’t until I went through my twenties figuring this out. I sought out friends to help define who I was and thought that something was wrong with me when I said I didn’t have friends. I thought that my social anxiety disorder was the blame to why I couldn’t make friends, but ironically thought it was to blame when I couldn’t keep friends.

I love my friends when I have them, but I quickly realized that the love I have for my friends need healthy boundaries, something you aren’t taught when you first make friends early on in your life. I love my friends when I have them, but I knew that the love I have for them quickly replaces the love I should be giving myself. So yeah, friendship breakups were ugly, just how romantic ones can be.

When you start focusing on loving yourself, setting the healthy boundaries you need with yourself, and start to see yourself as another human being that is worthy of love too, that’s when you realize that your true best friend is yourself.

When you see yourself as your own best friend, you start to do things that you normally wouldn’t have done for yourself. For me, I started to take myself out more often. I went to more concerts and shows, planned more trips and attended more events without the need of someone else. For me, I do not see these solo adventures as pity; “Why are you doing that by yourself? Don’t you want to bring friends?” Those questions are normal to hear when you say that you’re doing things on your own. For me, I am going out with a friend; me. And sure, you might read this and think it’s pretty pathetic, but no matter what type of person you are, the best and healthiest friendship to have is with yourself.

Compliment yourself. Go out to dinner with yourself. Go to a concert (or two) by yourself. Stick up for yourself the way you would for other human beings you call friends. Show yourself the same love and energy you would for another person you would call your friend. Fuck it, be your own best friend, because it will be the best fucking friend you’ll ever have in life.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 4: Last Black Sheep on Earth: A Micah Monologue.

liz

I’m suppose to be meeting Rosie at the library today to work on this dumb art project, but of course in true Rosie nature, she is late.

It had been weeks since Rosie and I spoke after finding out we were both in the same class this semester. Our professor was getting on our case about not having any ideas on what we wanted to do as a final project, and that was only because Rosie refused to talk to me. Someone had to be the bigger person.

I texted Rosie last night, not realizing that he last time we spoke was right before she came to my house a couple of months ago. That night. Some days I remember that night as if it just happened; other days it feels like it has been an eternity since it did; when Rosie and I were on good terms. At this rate, I don’t think Rosie and I will ever be on good terms like we once were.

Before I type up the text to send to Rosie, I hear a massive engine of a car in the parking lot. I don’t even have to look up to see whose car it was; only the most expensive cars sound that expensive. I hate that Rosie gives me reason time and time again to believe that this was more than just the money at this point; she loved that asshole, no matter how shitty he treated her. Who am I to tell a grown woman what she should do with her life?

The front door of the library opens, and in walks Rosie. She looks around until she sees me, in which her smile quickly turns into annoyance. I rolled my eyes and looked down, back at my notebook. Rosie sat in the seat across from me at the table, slamming her bookbag on the table. I can’t lie, it startled me.

“Yo, you’re carrying bricks in your bag or something?” I said, more annoyed than joking around. Rosie doesn’t answer; she simply just takes out her notebook from her very large bookbag. She slides the bookbag on the floor, which also makes a loud thud sound.

“So, what are we doing for this project?” Rosie asked, changing the subject. “I’m tired of hearing Professor Ramirez asking us for our ideas.”

“You’ve haven’t reached out to me since we were assigned this project,” I mentioned. “How were we supposed to come up with an idea?” I finally looked up at Rosie, taking in her image. She looks like she just rolled out of bed; she probably rolled out of Prescott’s bed, like, 15 minutes ago. Rosie rolled her eyes as a response. She flips her notebook to a blank page, placing a pen in her hand.

“So we should do a modern take on renaissance paintings through photography,” Rosie suggested. “I’m not saying we should reenact paintings and play dress up and shit, but find inspiration through photography that embodies the aura of renaissance paintings.” One thing I can’t take away from Rosie is that she was passionate about art. She was always doodling in the margins of her notebook whenever we would be in class, learning about the history instead of actually doing it. Rosie was smart; brilliant even, when it came to art. She would’ve been a Waverly High student if she lived in New York her teenage years. Maybe so much of her life would’ve been different if she focused on her passion instead of other things. “Does that work?”

“Huh?” I said, notably not paying attention.

“My idea,” Rosie emphasized, clearly annoyed. “Do you want to do something like that for the project?”

“I think that works, ” I said. I genuinely liked the idea; it was different than what I heard our other classmates were planning to do. That’s the thing about Rosie; she was always different, no matter what she wore, did, or acted. She’s not your typical 20-year old girl that is just looking to pass all of her classes and get a degree in four years. She challenged the normalcy of what it was to be a 20-year-old girl in college. She was, in the best way she would describe it, a black sheep.

“Thanks,” Rosie said, closing her notebook. “Nice to know one of us was thinking about ideas.” That’s the thing about Rosie, she also knew how to ruin a perfectly good and stable moment.

“For fuck’s sake, Roe; can’t we just get along for at least 5 minutes of our meeting?” I said, not wanting to deal with her bullshit.

“We did,” Rosie said as she packed her notebook in her bag and got up from her seat. “I explained my project idea to you in 5 minutes.” She looked at me straight in the eyes for a moment. “Do not call me Roe.”

“Whatever, Roe,” I sad, purposely calling her by the nickname I gave her when we were once friends.

“Fuck off, Micah,” Rosie said before turning around to leave the library. I was completely over Rosie at this point. No matter how many times I try to be cordial with this girl, she always wants to pick a fight. If it’s a fight she wants, a fight she will get.

“Not if you were the last black sheep on Earth,” I said, laughing as I got up from my seat. “Go on and run to your boyfriend’s Porsche; every minute on the clock matters, am I right?” Rosie immediately turns around and drops her bag on the floor, causing a scene.

“You’re nothing but a little bitch,” Rosie spat out. “That’s why Kalia keeps making and breaking up with you, she’s probably flew back to Sweden to fuck her co-star after she was tired of faking it.”

“Yeah?” I said out loud, furious at Rosie. “That’s not what you said when we fucked in my room that one night!” Before I knew it, Rosie shoved me so hard, my back hit the chair that was behind me. Immediately, public safety came in to break up the altercation.

“Alright, break it up!” the peace officer said, staying in between Rosie and I. Rosie picked up her bookbag from the floor and ran out of the library.

That’s the thing about Rosie. She will only tell you half of the story and run off once the truth comes out.

Music Reviews, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2023

Day 3: Top 5 Albums of 2023!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Earlier this year, I decided to document the top 5 albums of 2023 (so far), and was very curious to see if the lineup would change by the time December came along. So, here we are doing just that! It’s interesting to see just how different this final list is compared to one back in July; I feel like my list has gone back to almost all K-Pop music, but let’s save it for the actual list!

So without further ado, these are my top 5 albums of 2023, starting with number five!

5.) Qveen Herby – MUSE

Despite my list changing drastically since first writing it in July, this album still reigns as one of my favorites of the year. For the first half of the year, this album was on repeat and on various Spotify playlists of mine. Like I said in my July post, Qveen Herby was once part of a couple duo back in 2013 called Karmin, best known for their song “Brokenhearted”. She’s been rapping under this persona for a couple of years now, and although I liked some of her previous EPs, this full-length album was really a no-skip album, with songs like “THANK GODDESS,” “5D”, “MARIE ANTOINETTE”, and “DRESS CODE”. She’s super talented and really deserves all the love she gets on social media.

4.) (G)I-DLE – HEAT

This album is straight heat, no pun intended. This album kind of dropped out of the blue, or perhaps I was late to find out about this release. For those who may not know this group, (G)I-DLE is a 5-member (formally 6) K-pop girl group under CUBE Entertainment. They debuted in 2018 and these girls are known to experimenting with different concepts and slaying them effortlessly. These girls are named Miyeon, Minnie, Soyeon, Yuqi, and Shuhua; this girl group has more foreign members than Korean, which is something that wasn’t common in the time that they debuted. Many groups had foreign members in them prior to their debut, but the number of Korean members always outnumbered the foreign members in groups. What also makes this group unique is that Soyeon–the group’s leader, center, and main rapper–writes, composes, and produces all of their Korean comebacks and she never misses. While the group was always high in popularity since debut, the song that really took the group off was their first full-length album, I Never Die, which featured their title track, “Tomboy”, back in 2022. Since then, the girl’s comebacks have all been so different from the last; you truly never know what direction (G)I-DLE will go down. Like this English studio album.

This album very much feels like what y2k artists would put out back in the day. It’s dancey, catchy, and something you would hear at a club in your business casual attire. Their first single off of the album, “I DO”, is a little slow in pace, but it fits with the vocalists’ sound so well and really showcases the different colors that the group has vocal-wise. The second single, “I Want That” is so y2k-club coded; it instantly gets stuck in your head after a few listens. My current favorite song off of the album is “Eyes Roll”, which honestly all these girls ate, but this was Yuqi’s song forreal. Anyway, I hope that these girls do get the recognition internationally (I mean, they already do, but I mean in a mainstream, Top 40 way) because these girls are versatile and can definitely hang in the western music category.

3.) WOODZ – OO-LI

Another album that has survived the list is this masterpiece of an album… but are we surprised since we’re talking about WOODZ? WOODZ, also known as Cho Seungyoun, knows how to make hit, no-skip albums. Fans were ultimately worried when he initially left his old agency, Yuehua Entertainment, after his contract expired and went under EDAM Entertainment, a much smaller agency with only one or two known solo acts (i.e, one being soloist, IU). This album was much different than the previous things he had put out, but he was known for experimenting with different genres when he released new music. OO-LI felt more mature and not so much in the mainstream K-pop realm. While the title track isn’t my favorite off of this particular album (for some reason I never really vibe with them), the B-sides hit so hard. I think my favorite song of 2023 is his b-side called “Drowning”, which I have deemed to be a part of the soundtrack of my life, and that says a lot. In the time I’m writing this, I am actually going to see him live in concert in early December; man, I am ready to sing and cry at the same damn time.

2.) Demi Lovato – REVAMPED

Demi has gone to be one of my top favorite artists since going back to her rock roots in her music, and I’m so glad that she released this album of her old hits and revamped them into rock versions! I don’t care what anyone says, I think it’s a great idea for artists to re-record their older stuff and change it in ways that fits to their current style. Taylor Swift wasn’t the first to do this, but her popularity in the music industry has made re-recording albums a thing in it, so I’m glad Demi decided to put a twist on her older hits and make them “rock versions”, or, “Demi Versions”. The album consists of ten songs from her previous discography: “La La Land” and “Don’t Forget” from her debut album Don’t Forget, “Skyscraper” and “Give Your Heart a Break” from her third studio album Unbroken, “Heart Attack” and “Neon Lights” from her fourth studio album Demi, “Confident” and “Cool for the Summer” from her fifth studio album Confident, and finishing off with “Tell Me You Love Me” and “Sorry Not Sorry” from her sixth studio album Tell Me You Love Me. I would’ve personally loved to hear some revamped versions of songs from her sophomore album Here We Go Again and a revamp of her debut single, “Get Back”, but maybe she’s going to make a part two since this was well received by her fans! Anyway, there’s nothing I can say besides that I’m so glad Demi has reconnected with the sound that she felt was being true to herself, because let’s be honest; this is where she should’ve been throughout her entire career. If you were once a Demi fan during these different eras of her career, definitely give these rock versions a chance as they are all so good.

1.) NewJeans – GET UP

Little fun fact: this was the first album that came to mind when listing my top 5 favorite albums of the year since I knew this was making the list when it first came out. Also, it’s a K-pop album! Although most people might know this group, NewJeans is a five-member girl group under Ador, a sublabel within HYBE; home of groups like BTS, TXT, Le Sserafim, Seventeen, and Fromis_9. These five girls, Minji, Hanni, Danielle, Haerin, and Hyein, debuted in 2022 really out of nowhere since they came into the K-pop scene without any visuals or teasers of the members announcing this new rookie group. Instead, they came out with their first single, “Attention” and then released their first debut mini album shortly after. These girls blew up, as they re-introduced a sound to K-pop that is fresh and nostalgic during a time when girl crush and loud music were popular in K-Pop. While they had a small comeback earlier this year in January, their long-awaited (and anticipated) second mini album was released during the summer and man, the chokehold this album had on me for the entire summer was intense. Every song was so good on their, even the shorter, interlude song, “Get Up”. We were robbed of a real good song with “Get Up” being only 30 seconds. Anyway, they pretty much promoted the entire album on music shows upon it’s release; “NewJeans” and “Super Shy” were pre-release singles up until the album’s release date, and “ETA” being the official title track along with the promotional b-side, “Cool With You”. As much as this group gets a lot of backlash for its choices for music videos and earlier song lyrics not being appropriate for its minor members, these girls have a distinct sound that works for them and I’m curious to see how they reinvent that sound throughout their career as a group.

And that’s pretty much it! I did not think that more K-pop albums would be on my list considering I don’t really identify with my K-Pop self anymore, I guess the albums were just too good to ignore this year. Anyway, I hope that if you guys haven’t yet, give these albums a listen as they are all so good!

I guess we’ll see what we’re vibing with in July 2024 to count down those top 5 albums. Until then, readers!