Category: The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

I lost count on how many cups of coffee I had today, but Grace reminded me just how shaky my hands have become throughout the duration of our busy morning.

“Jamie,” Grace sighed as she said my name. “You are not allowed to make yourself another coffee. You’re not about to have me up all night because you can’t sleep.”

“I’m sorry, jagiya,” I said, watching Grace open the fridge and hand me a water bottle. “I’m just feeling a little nervous having my family in America all together for the first time.” My relationship with my family shifted once I made the decision to live in New York. They weren’t thrilled that I was adamant about starting my life over in a foreign country with a girl they’ve met once. Surely as time passed, we were all able to let it go, especially after telling them the news about agi.

“What time are they landing?” Grace asked.

“Their flight says arrival is 6:15pm,” I answered, looking at the information on my phone. “We should probably make it to JFK an hour before.”

“Ya,” Grace said, walking over to me and brushed my hair away from my face. “You know everything is going to be fine, right?”

“I know, but you never know with my family,” I said, letting out an anxious breath. “My family is super traditional, and trying to explain our relationship to them is nearly impossible for them to understand.”

“They don’t have to understand it, they just need to accept it,” Grace replied sternly, trying to prove her point. Grace was never the “cookie-cutter” type of comforter, and will tell you exactly how she feels about something.

She sighed, walking up to me and placed her hand on my cheek. “I mean that in the nicest way possible, babe. I don’t want her to grow up not knowing her entire family.” The past couple of weeks since we found out agi was a girl, Grace has been determined to give our daughter a life she didn’t get to have growing up. She missed out on knowing her mother’s side of the family, and I can only imagine she feels anxious that agi won’t know my side.

“She will.” I wrapped my arms around her, taking her in for a hug. Maybe Grace was right. Maybe I didn’t have anything to worry about, and it was all in my head. But I can’t help but wonder, what if I’m right? What if my family is upset at me still for moving to America? Is there anything that will change their mind about things?

…

“We’re so happy to see you!” My mom immediately walks to Grace for a hug. Even Grace was shocked at the gesture. She returns the hug, putting on a smile. My mom let Grace go to look at Grace’s belly. “How are you feeling?” I watch the interaction happen, feeling like I’m currently in the twilight zone. My mom and grace were actually having a conversation in Korean in our New York apartment.

“Eomma couldn’t stop talking about coming here,” my sister, Lia, said to me. I looked over at Mina, coming into the door with my mother’s bags.

“Jaemin,” Mina called out. I went to the front door, helping her with the bags. She smiled at me once she got situated. “Hi, baby brother!”

“Hi, nonna,” I said, giving her a hug. “I’m glad you and Lia could make it.”

“Of course we were coming,” Mina stated. “We have to come visit before our niece comes!” Lia and Mina walked over to Grace, giving her hugs. It made me smile seeing my family like Grace, considering this wasn’t the attitude they had a year and a half ago. Maybe I was overreacting over nothing—

Or maybe I just knew there was always some hidden conversation waiting to happen.

“Grace, this is delicious,” Mina said, wiping her face with her napkin.

“Actually, Jamie did all of the cooking,” she mentioned. In the corner of my eyes, I saw my mother’s expression change as she ate. “I was just moral support.” Grace started to laugh, but my family looked more confused. Grace clears her throat and wipes her mouth. “Let me take those dishes from you—”

“Ani,” my mother shook her head, stopping Grace. “You will not lift a finger in your condition. Jaemin,” she calls for me. “Help me with the dishes.”

“Eomma, we’ll do it—“ my sisters volunteered, but my mother protested.

“Jaemin will help me,” my mom smiled in my direction, prompting me to get up from my seat.

“I’ll be back, jagiya,” I said to Grace as I kissed the top of her head. I took the plates from the other women at the table, while my mother insisted she take the garnish dishes back to the kitchen.

“So, Jaemin,” my mom said as she cleaned the dishes. I insisted we use the dishwasher, but like my mom, she immediately protested. “How far along is Grace?”

“A little over 6 months now,” I answered, drying the wet dishes with a cloth. My mom gasped in awe.

“Ya, Jaemin,” my mom reacted. “Are there any plans of a marriage soon?” Here we go; the conversation I knew I was going to have with my mother. “The baby will be here before you know it—”

“Eomma,” I sighed. “Grace and I have other things to focus on right now.”

“And you think once you bring a baby into this world, you guys will have time to think about marriage? A newborn baby consumes your life, Jaemin.”

“And you think rushing a marriage is the conventional thing to do?” I asked. I mom scolded me for talking to her in such tone.

“You both should’ve got married before you two decided to have a baby,” my mom nonchalantly expressed. “Your father would’ve wanted you to be married before having a child.” I hated when my mom’s guilt card was mentioning my father. There was a lot that my father wanted me to do instead of the things I’ve done, constantly showing that I was never interested in living my life the way he wanted me to. In the same breath, he would’ve wanted me to find my way of life in the best way I knew possible.

“Wouldn’t appa be happy that I am starting a family though?” I questioned. My mom side-eyed me, continuing to wash the dishes. “That I am carrying the Kim family name?”

“With a woman that is not your wife—”

“She will be,” I spat back, revealing something I wouldn’t have in front of my mother. “We are both aren’t ready yet.”

“I really do like Grace,” my mom started to say. “I do believe she’s a great woman, but I do not like the fact that you’ve thrown all of your culture away to fit into this American one. My son would’ve stayed in Korea and settled down with a woman that had the same values as you. My son would’ve been married with children already. My son would instill his culture into his family, to carry out our family traditions for generations to come.”

“But that was never your son.” I emphasized, looking directly at my mother. “Your son wanted more outside of Korea. Your son wanted to make a name for himself professionally. Your son always knew that he would live a life that wasn’t conventional. Your son fell in love and found home with a woman in New York.” I slightly open the covering of the island, showing my mom Grace and my sisters laughing together on the couch. “All she wants is for our baby to know all of her family.” My mom looked out at her daughters, looking at them talking to each other comfortably. Even seeing Grace let go of the misconceptions she had about herself and my family for the sake or our daughter, there wasn’t any doubt that Grace will be my wife someday.

My mom turns around and sighs, looking up at me. She places her hand on my cheek, smiling at me. “Something you and your father had in common was your stubbornness.” I smiled as my mom laughed. “And the way his heart was always in the right place for the ones he loved.” Shortly after, Grace walked into the kitchen, carrying some glasses from the dinner table.

“Ah, jagiya,” I said as I walked toward grace, grabbing the glasses from her. “We were going to come back for the other things.”

“She’s ready for some dessert though,” Grace said, rubbing her belly. My mom walked to Grace with a smile, placing a hand on Grace’s belly.

“Eomma,” I said, feeling slightly embarrassed. Grace didn’t seem to mind it, smiling as my mom shushed me.

“Halmeoni is excited to meet you,” my mom said to agi, looking up at Grace and smiled.

…

Later that night, Grace and I lie in bed together. Grace was watching her weekly reality TV show, while I worked on some paperwork for my next lecture. I looked over at her, laughing at the drama happening on the reality show, relaxing in her element. I don’t know why all of a sudden I think about my father and wonder if he would be happy for me. All he ever wanted for his son was to live a happy life, whatever that looked like for me. He always knew I would be different than his daughters, and he knew that once he left this world all those years ago, he left his legacy in my hands. A part of him lives on through me. I grew up watching my parents smitten for each other. My father would look at my mom with such loving eyes, something I took for granted when he was alive, but vividly remember as I now look at Grace that way.

“Oh,” Grace said out loud, as if she remembered something. “Mina and Lia and your mom are going to go to a Broadway show this weekend!” She reaches over her nightstand, taking out the tickets. “I was going to surprise your mom at her birthday dinner tomorrow night.”

“When did you get those?” I said, genuinely curious.

“Not too long ago,” Grace answered. “My aunt Mars is one of the actresses in The Lion King and was able to give me a deal for the matinee show this Saturday. I tried to get tickets for a different time, but this was the only one she could get.” I smile at Grace, reassuring her that she didn’t need to feel bad for going the same time as my next lecture.

“My family will love it,” I said, kissing Grace on the forehead. “Thank you for accepting my family, jagiya.”

“I kinda have to,” Grace teased, laughing after she rubbed her belly. “But, I know what you meant. Her show starts back up, and Grace immediately glued her eyes back to the screen.

My father gave me the “love” conversation once in my life. I was now an adult, and he sat me down over coffee at a shop near the firm I used to work at in Korea.

“You will know when the time is right,” he said, sipping his coffee. “When you feel like the pieces are falling in place, fitting to create an overall picture.”

“Appa, I don’t know,” I said nervously. “In this line of work, it’s hard to have the time needed to settle down…I barely even see Seohyun these days because of school…”

“I’m not saying you have to figure it out now,” he emphasized. “I’m just letting you know, for your future self when they are ready to hit that milestone in life.”

“Ya,” I dismissed, never realizing that would be one of the last times we ever spoke about the future.

I looked at Grace, eating her current craving of Cool Ranch Doritos while watching TV. She looked over at me. “What?” She asked. I smiled, putting my hand in her family size bag of chips.

“Nothing,” I said, grabbing a handful of chips from Grace. “Are they really leaving the villa tonight?” Grace turned her head, about to explode in reality show gossip with me. These were the right times that my father spoke about.

I rolled over to face Grace’s side of the bed, hoping to hold her close to me as we slept that night. I scrunched my eyebrows as I opened up one eye, noticing I was cuddling her body pillow instead. I sat up, turning on the lamp on my nightstand. Grace was nowhere to be found in our bedroom. “Jagiya?“

I got up, opening the bedroom door as I tied my rope across my body. I noticed Grace cleaning the kitchen counter in a frenzy. “Jagiya?” She quickly turned around to see me, standing in the open area.

“Hi, Jamie,” she greeted me with a smile. I walked closer to the kitchen, washing her clean what looked like a spotless counter already.

“What are you doing up so late?”

“This kitchen was super dirty from dinner last night,” Grace answered, now opening the empty dishwasher. “Remind me to call maintenance sometime tomorrow; all the dishes I washed earlier did not get clean as guaranteed–“

“Ya“, I intervened, clearly not awake to have this conversation with Grace. “It’s 3:30 in the morning; why are you cleaning at this hour?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Grace closed the dishwasher and walked to the refrigerator. She opened the door, analyzing the inside of it. “I should really throw away any old food in here…” I sighed, walking over to Grace and closing the fridge door on her. She looked at me, not happy about that whatsoever. “Jamie.”

“Jagiya,” I said back in some tone as Grace. I smile, rubbing my face with my hands to wake myself up completely. “What’s going on? We have the 6-month check-up of agi in literally 6 hours.”

“6 hours?” Grace repeated. “That should give me time to reorganize the closet by season!” I grabbed Grace by the arm before she was able to walk away.

“Grace,” I finally said. She sighed as she finally looked at me. She knows I’m serious when I call her by her first name. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she admitted. “I kept tossing and turning, then I was hot and cold, and then Baby wanted a late-night snack, so I came into the kitchen and saw that the counter wasn’t cleaned properly, and so I went ahead and started cleaning the entire kitchen.” If there was something I always knew about Grace was that she was naturally a productive person, but when it becomes excessive like this, it’s more connected to something else that is on her mind. I took her hand and walked to the couch with her, sitting her down next to me. It was time for Unpaid Therapist Jamie.

“Something tells me you’re super anxious about this appointment later today,” I mentioned.

“What? Of course not! It’s just another check-up appointment to see how Baby is doing, and–“

“The one where we decide whether or not we want to know the sex of the baby,” I said bluntly. Once I was the one to say it out loud, the avalanche of worries began to pour out of Grace.

“Jamie, I’m terrified,” Grace finally admitted. “What if something is wrong with the baby? What if the doctor isn’t able to tell what the sex of the baby is?” She gasped as she continued her racing train of thought. “What if–“

“Jagiya,” I smiled at her, finding it wholesome that she was feeling as nervous as she did. “The only difference with this appointment is that we can find out if it’s going to be a boy or a girl.” She looked at me with a peculiar look on her face, almost stunned.

“And that doesn’t scare you? Knowing that it’s about to be so real?” Grace questioned.

“So that’s what’s keeping you up,” I leaned back on the couch, crossing my arms along my chest. “Knowing the sex of agi is making it feel like things are real now.” I tried my best to play it off, just to show Grace that she was worrying about nothing regarding this appointment. “Is your growing belly not making things feel real?” Grace doesn’t find it comforting.

“Knowing what we’re having makes me realize that I am actually carrying a human being for the next few months. Right now, I just feel like it’s just another part of my body.” Grace genuinely looked nervous. I get closer to her to wrap my arm around her, rubbing her leg with my hand for reassurance.

“Isn’t that the beauty of the experience? Knowing that we can start picking out names for agi, buy things unique to them, and be ready for their arrival?” I rubbed the top of her stomach in hopes it would calm her down a bit. “Didn’t you find out when you were having Willow?”

“I chose not to find out,” she confessed. I was shocked, not knowing that piece of information before. “I was in a different space back then. I was trying to hide my pregnancy as long as I possibly could, so knowing the sex of the baby was… something I didn’t want to know.” Hearing Grace talk about her pregnancy with Willow made me sad for her. She had to have this certain attitude about being pregnant with Willow, as if she had to play a role in order to not put her career at risk.

Grace loves Willow. I concluded that the first time I saw Grace with Willow; at the cafe when she was just a baby. She spoke about her first pregnancy on multiple occasions, but always left out what she actually went through at that time. I bring her in for a hug, kissing her forehead before saying anything back. Maybe I didn’t have to say anything back; maybe this was the answer she needed. To know that things are different this time around. She’s older now, and she has a career that she loves. Her family and friends all know about the baby, and all she has to do in these 9 months is simply welcome them into the world.

“Things are different this time,” I reassured. “There’s simply no obstacles in our way to make this time not feel real.”

“Does that make me a bad mom? Not finding out what the sex was when I was having Willow?” I scrunched my eyebrows, upset that she would even think such a thing. I looked at her, concerned to see tears falling down her face.

“You are nothing close to being a bad mom.” I brushed my thumb along her cheek, wiping the fallen tears. “Not only are you an amazing mom to Willow, you’re also going to be an amazing mom to agi.” Grace tightly smiled at me, letting another tear fall down from her eye.

“How are you so calm about this?” Grace genuinely asked. “Here I am, freaking out about something I went through once, and the person who’s experiencing this for the first time ever is super chill?”

“One of us has to be the voice of reason,” I teased, smiling at her. “There can’t be two parents freaking out at the same time. And while yes, I do think about the fact that in three months, I’ll be a first-time father, but… I can’t let you see me sweat over it. I have to be strong for you, especially in times like this.” Grace laughed, rolling her eyes at me. She leaned in to kiss me on the lips, playing in my hair with her fingers. “Come on, let’s go to bed before we’re both delirious at the check-up tomorrow.”

…

I could see Grace’s head following my back-and-forth pacing in the ultrasound room. Grace sits there, taking in a deep breath before she grabs me, midway into panic mode.

“Jamie!” Grace whispered to me. “What the hell has gotten into you?”

“Nothing, jagiya,” I said, tugging at my sweater. “Why is it 80 degrees in this office?” Grace rolled her eyes, pulling me down to the seat next to her.

“What happened to one of us needed to be cool, calm, and collected in this situation?!”

“I still am,” I said, bouncing my leg in place. Grace watched me and crossed her arms along her chest.

“Pacing back and forth isn’t really calm,” Grace noted. “Jamie, are you sure you’re okay?” It was now me dealing with the avalanche of thoughts.

“You were right,” I started to say. “This feels too real now that we’re here. I mean, this is going to be our first time knowing the sex of the baby! The baby is real now! Like, an actual human being,” I looked down at Grace’s belly. “Agi, give us some time!” Grace giggled, tussling my hair as I looked back up at her.

“It’s okay to be nervous, Jamie,” Grace smiled as she said. “And it’s okay to not be the reassuring one this time. This is just as nerve-wrecking for you as it is for me.” I smiled at Grace, kissing her on the cheek, glad to have Grace here picking me up when I need it. It wasn’t long after the doctor came into the room, greeting both of us.

“Mom, Dad, welcome back,” she smiled as she sat on the stool. “How are we feeling today?”

“Okay, nervous,” Grace let out an anxious breath, holding her stomach.

“That’s completely normal at this point in the pregnancy,” the doctor said, preparing the machine to perform the ultrasound. She looked at me and smiled. “And how are you feeling, Dad?”

“I… uhm…” My throat was dry, and I felt like I was sitting in a sauna at this point. I watched as she prepared the bottle of gel on the scanner and turned on the machine to start the appointment. This was it. This was the moment when it was going to feel even more real. Am I ready? Will I ever feel ready? We are literally going to be a family in 3 months. In 3 months, I’m going to be a father. Grace looked over at me, trying to get me to calm down by rubbing my bouncing leg. “Good.” The doctor didn’t say anything after that; she simply smiled and continued with her work.

The doctor puts the scanner back down next to the machine and instructs Grace to lie back on the chair to prepare for the ultrasound. “So, Baby seems like they are in a perfect position at this point in the pregnancy, which is great; have you been experiencing more aches and pains in your body?” the doctor asked Grace.

“Oh yeah,” Grace nervously laughs it off, holding her belly. “My lower back has been hurting more these days, and I’m not able to stay up on my feet for too long.” The doctor nods her head, agreeing with Grace’s response.

“I will say that compared to your medical record for your first pregnancy, the baby this time around is slightly bigger at this stage, and it makes a difference when your body is of a smaller build.” Aigoo. I knew how much Grace had been struggling over the last month alone, unable to fully do the things that kept her productive. She was frustrated when she couldn’t, and sometimes would take it out on me when I tried to help her. I know she didn’t mean it, especially since Grace was naturally the type of woman who did things herself.

The doctor looked at me afterwards. “Dad, we recommend a couple of times a day to relieve Mom from lower back pain by simply holding her belly up, relieving some of that tension.”

“I, uhm,” I cleared my throat, unable to form a single sentence. Grace looked at me with a worried look. Aigoo, now I’m making her even more nervous, and now we are officially both the nervous parents.

“Before we begin, can I speak to you outside for a moment, Dad?” the doctor said as she took her gloves off. I looked at Grace before getting up, walking out of the room with the doctor. She closes the door once we’re both in the hallway, away from Grace. “Please know that it is completely normal to feel how you are feeling in this situation. Many first-time dads come in here with these overwhelming feelings, even when they try to be the strong one between both parents.” I cocked my eyebrow up, wondering how she knew this was my first time, but she mentioned this was Grace’s second.

“I’m just trying to be strong for Grace, but I can’t say it’s easy,” I admitted. The doctor nodded her head, understanding what I was saying.

“Of course,” she began to say. “Remember, you are also going through all the emotions of a person who is going to be a father for the first time. These appointments can make things feel real, real fast.” I let out a deep breath, shaking the nerves out of my hands. “It’s okay to be the strong one between you and Grace, while also feeling everything being a first-time father.”

“Thank you,” I said. The doctor smiled and opened the door to the room once more. Grace was prepared in the chair, her belly exposed and ready for the ultrasound. I walked over to Grace while the doctor spoke to her assistant briefly.

“Are you okay?” Grace asked. I smiled and nodded my head, putting my hand into hers. The doctor walked back to the table, putting on a new pair of gloves.

“Okay,” she said, turning the machine on. “Let’s see how Baby is doing.” The assistant turned off the lights as the doctor placed the scanner against Grace’s belly. I was getting nervous when it took the doctor some time to find agi. I stared at the screen intently, anticipating the moment I got to see them again. Immediately, agi came on screen, and I was completely in awe. They’ve grown so much since the last time we got to see them. Agi is looking like an actual agi now.

I looked at Grace as she stared at the screen. Her face is wet; the glaze from the screen hit her face. I take Grace’s hand and kiss it, rubbing her knuckles to remind her I’m here. I’m here, jagiya; right now, and forever.

“Baby is looking really good,” the doctor began to explain. “Ten little fingers, and ten little toes.” There’s really a baby on that screen, in Grace’s belly, with ten fingers, ten toes, a head, and a face… one that will resemble both Grace and me. The doctor smiles and now looks at us. “Of course, I’ll print out some pictures for you to take home, and if you’d like, we could also let you know the sex of the baby. Would that be something you’d like to find out today?”

“Ye-” As I begin to answer the doctor’s question, at the same time as Grace, she answers frantically.

“No,” she answered. I looked at her, not expecting that to be her answer. The doctor looked at both of us and tightly smiled.

“Perhaps I’ll let you two discuss; I’ll be back in 10 minutes,” the doctor said, getting up from her chair and walking out of the room with the assistant.

“Jagiya,” I began the conversation. “What’s wrong?”

“Maybe you were right,” Grace started to explain. “Knowing the sex of the baby is making this feel too real, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for it to feel this real.”

“It’s already real,” I tried explaining to Grace. “Look how far we’ve come already–“

“I’m not ready for it to be real yet, Jamie,” she pleaded. “Once we find out if it’s a boy or girl, this baby isn’t just something happening. It’s like… I’m carrying a human baby that is going to come into this world.” I took Grace by both hands and held them tight to refocus her mind on me, trying to make her see that this time is different. Our story is different. Our love is different. We are able to welcome this baby into the world together with the intent of being its parents. She never has to worry whether or not she will be alone in this process again. She can simply continue to grow our little baby until it’s time to be their parents. As scary as it sounds, I can’t help but feel a wave of excitement knowing that this baby is mine. This baby is ours, created out of unconditional and pure love.

“You don’t have to be scared this time, Grace. You don’t have to hide something as beautiful and magical as bringing a child into this world. You don’t have to constantly live in survival mode and live this experience alone. I am right by your side on this journey. I will always be right by your side.” I leaned in and gently kissed Grace on the lips, as if I was sealing in that promise. “I love you, jagiya.”

“I love you too, Jamie,” Grace said as her hormones got the best of her. I quickly reached for some tissues, handing them over to Grace. “Gosh, I’m a mess,” she said, laughing as she wiped her eyes with the tissue. I smiled at her, placing my hand on her leg.

“Forever my mess,” I teased, which made Grace giggle. The doctor came back into the room with pictures of the ultrasound in her hand and sat back down in her chair.

“Everything okay, Mom and Dad?” she asked us. Mom and Dad. Oh, how I love the sound of that.

“Yes, we are,” I answered for us, never letting go of Grace’s hand. Grace cleared her throat and got herself together before she spoke.”

“We would like to know the sex of the baby today,” she stated with such confidence. That’s my girl. The doctor rolled her chair closer to us, showing us the various pictures from the ultrasound.

“Typically, we could determine the gender by a singular nub. It’s hard to determine when you’re not familiar with what you should look for, but with some direction, you’ll see exactly what we see.” She points at a certain area of the picture, explaining the different parts of it.

“So to conclude everything I explained,” the doctor laughed as she spoke. “I can confidently say that you are having a beautiful, healthy… baby girl.”

…

Later that night, Grace and I celebrated the news in the absolute best way possible. Grace and I laid in bed, naked underneath the comforter. I held her in my arms, her belly slightly resting on my side. I comb my fingers through her hair as she rests her head on my chest.

“Jagiya,” I whispered in her hair. She lifted her head up to look at me.

“Jamie.” I looked down at her, caught off guard by the way she said my name.

“gwaenchanheuseyo? Are you okay?” She smiled at me, readjusting herself to sit up next to me.

“Thank you.”

I was confused. “For what?”

“For talking me through it today,” Grace began to explain. “I… didn’t have that when I was having Willow.” The night Grace told me she was pregnant, she expressed how genuinely scared she was going through it again. She had explained that her first pregnancy was more of a secret between her and Willow’s father. They had both worked in the same law firm as interns, knowing that they had a restrict policy with interwork relationships. She was young, still trying to figure who she was, but forced to live in a world where she didn’t belong as a 25 year old. She vividly recalled how her first trimester was; calling out of work because it was hard to act as normal as possible trying to hide the reason she was constantly sick. I promised her from that day on, I’d be apart of every single process with her.

I made sure that I was available for every appointment she had. I made sure I woke up every morning and remind her to take her prenatal vitamins. I made sure she ate something sustainable on days she was sick. I made sure she never would feel like she was alone in this process, and that if she ever felt like she couldn’t do it, I was there cheering her on.

I gently kissed her on the forehead, smiling back at her. “You don’t have to thank me, jagiya. You’ve already given me possibly the best thing I’d ever get, that no one else can give to me.”

“I’m going to pretend that you’re also talking about me, and not only our daughter.” Grace teased. Our daughter.

“The second best thing then,” I teased back, smiling as I kissed her lips. I took a breath, getting my mind focused. “Okay, so she is not going to date boys until she graduates high school.”

Grace laughed as she crossed her arms along her chest. “She’s not even here yet, and you’re already setting ground rules?”

“We didn’t even know agi was a girl this time yesterday; we missed precious moments to set down some rules for her when she’s here!” I said, already getting into my protective girl dad mode.

Grace cupped my face gently. “Oh God, I can already tell she’s going to be a daddy’s girl.”

“But she’ll have your personality for sure,” I promised, getting the feeling that agi was going to keep me on my toes the way Grace does. I hold Grace close that night, feeling her body drift away to sleep in my arms while also holding yeoja agi, our baby girl, in her belly.

I wouldn’t trade my girls for anything else in the world.

The one thing that I realized in the 5 months Grace has been pregnant is that while I find her to be sexy, Grace believes otherwise.

It was no surprise that at any given moment, when Grace and I were alone, I wanted to be physically close to her. I wanted to hold her and kiss her, and eventually pick her up by her waist and carry her back to our room. That was our routine at first, especially on the days that we both came home from work stressed, and the weekends after we dropped off Willow back at her father’s house.

When we first found out that she was pregnant, Grace was an animal. At any given moment, she wanted to have sex; while we cooked dinner, as we did laundry, even before her OBGYN appointments. As time passed and she started showing, she didn’t initiate it the way she used to, and every time I tried, she wasn’t in the mood. I also didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she was already with this pregnancy, so needless to say, it’s been a while since Grace and I actually did the deed. Which is hard already, considering the fact that I find myself even more attracted to her as the days pass.

“Do you think they got lost?” Grace asked as she looked out the apartment window. I looked up at her as I was setting the table for tonight’s game night. She turned around and looked at me with a nervous look.

“Shawn and Sky know exactly where we live,” I began to say, putting down the stack of games on the table. “Maybe they’re stuck in traffic.” Shawn and Skylar were in New York, helping her father get settled in his new place. He figured he wanted to stay close to his brother, Grace’s father, and to be closer to his family. Shawn and Sky have been planning to get an apartment in New York as well, to be closer to Skylar’s dad. It wasn’t long after that that the doorbell rang, and I walked over and answered it for Grace. Shawn and Skylar stood there, getting themselves together as if they had run across Central Park to get here.

“Hi!” Skylar said, straightening out her hair with her hands. Shawn also puts on a huge smile, clearly hiding something. The couple walked in, with Skylar walking towards Grace to greet her. Shawn stopped near me, clearing his throat.

“Ya, what took you guys so long?” I asked.

“Oh, Sky and I were stuck in traffic,” Shawn quickly said. Sheesh, he’s such a horrible liar.

“Yeah?” I began to say, straightening his inverted collar outwards. “Did you guys fight a pack of street rats on your way?” Shawn laughed way too loudly, which was always what gave him away when he lied.

“You are so funny!”

“Shawn,” I deadpanned, crossing my arms along my chest. “What really happened?” Shawn’s face began to turn red, knowing he got busted.

“Do you really want to know?” Shawn warned. When I don’t answer back and keep looking at him in the face, he ultimately sighs and gets closer to me. “Sky and I… you know…” Aigoo.

“Ya, Shawn!” I reacted, waving him away to stop.

“What? We’re all adults here in love,” he began to explain. “And it’s the truth. Sky and I had sex before coming here.” Asking Shawn to be honest about anything meant that I was going to get every single detail, whether or not it was even appropriate to share with others. The last thing I want is a mental picture of his my best friend and my girlfriend’s cousin fuc–

“Jamie!” I hear Skylar call my name. “How dare you let your pregnant girlfriend wait to eat because of us!” I walked over to the two women, giving Grace a smirk as I walked by.

“If you guys weren’t running almost an hour late, Grace wouldn’t have needed to wait,” I began to say. I turned around and looked at both Skylar and Shawn. “I mean, what possibly could have made a 15-minute commute a 45-minute one…” Skylar’s eyes widen, looking over at Shawn. He immediately follows me into the kitchen area, avoiding the intense stare of his wife.

“Hyung,” Shawn whispered. “You know Sky’s gonna kill me now for telling her business.”

“Listen, that’s on you,” I laughed, beginning to prepare a plate of food for Grace. Shawn walks over to make one for Skylar. “But seriously, you guys couldn’t wait to do your business when you got back to your place?”

“It’s hard,” Shawn pleaded. “Sky’s super hot, and whenever she wants it, I have to give it to her.” Another mental picture I do not need playing in my head. “You’re acting like you and Grace don’t have those spontaneous, sexy times.” I don’t say anything back; I continued to put Grace’s plate together. I guess the silence bothered Shawn. “You guys do have sex, right?” How do I even answer a question like that without– “Oh my god.”

“What?” I questioned, now looking at Shawn.

“When was the last time you and Grace had sex?” I would honestly need to look back on my calendar to give an exact time.

“That is none of your business,” I scolded, about to walk back into the living room when Shawn stepped in front of me. “Shawn.”

“You don’t remember the last time you guys had sex, don’t you?” Shawn asked. At this point, it wasn’t even worth trying to dismiss; Shawn made it his mission to have this conversation right now.

“It’s… been a while,” I said, trying to not give out any detailed information.

“A while? Like a couple of days?” No answer. “Weeks?” No answer. “Months?!”

“Ya,” I said, trying to quiet Shawn down. I sighed before I continued. “She’s been uncomfortable with the pregnancy and everything. I don’t want to make her even more uncomfortable.”

“Aren’t pregnant women prone to being really horny though?”

“Really, what?”

“Horny,” Shawn repeated. “Ah, I mean… uhm…heungbunhan.” I hold the bridge of my nose with my fingers, really wanting to end this exchange right now.

“I don’t know, Shawn! All I know is that if Grace doesn’t want it, I’m not going to push her to do it–“

“Are you not feeling attracted to her?” I scoffed at Shawn’s question; it was the silliest thing he could ask me.

“The opposite,” I began to say. “I feel like I’m even more attracted to Grace being pregnant.” It was Shawn now making that “TMI” expression on his face. “If I could, I would take–“

“Okay, okay; I get it,” Shawn interrupted. “So, what’s holding you back?”

“Grace. She doesn’t see herself the way that I do, as if she doesn’t believe me when I actually say she’s sexy.” It was a constant battle to get Grace in the mood; not because she didn’t feel the same way about me, but because she couldn’t see herself being desirable to me. If only she knew I would rip–

“Maybe you need to be spontaneous about it,” Shawn suggested. “Don’t let her dictate how the night is going to go. Make her feel like you still see her as sexy, pregnant or not.”

“I don’t want to force her to have sex with me, Shawn,” I immediately defended. “If she’s uncomfortable–“

“She probably doesn’t want you to know she’s uncomfortable, hyung. A woman wants to feel desired and loved by her man, and to take control of the situation when she feels too shy to do it on her own.” I cocked my eyebrow up, wondering where Shawn got all of this from.

“What, you’re now a love doctor?” I scoffed. Shawn shrugged his shoulders, taking the plate he had made for Skylar in his hands.

“I’m a changed man, hyung,” Shawn responded. “The married life has changed me.” I shook my head, about to walk out of the kitchen and back to the women in the living room. A part of me felt like Shawn was right. It was obvious that Grace knew that I knew how she felt about her body changing these last couple of months. Maybe she’s been waiting for me to prove her wrong and take control of the situation. Being spontaneous was something I was not known for doing, but maybe trying it out for one night would show Grace that she’s just as beautiful and desirable now as she was back then. I will show Grace just how sexy I still see her.

…

The apartment is dark. Two candles are burning on top of the dining room table, and soft music plays gently in the background. I hear Grace’s keys jingling against the door, letting in the light from the hallway into the apartment. Her silhouette is seen standing at the door, the light hitting her body in every perfect angle.

“Jamie?” She calls out for me. Music to my ears. I turn on the small lamp next to the chair I’m sitting in, directly facing Grace’s direction, waiting for her. She looks at me with a surprised look on her face. “Jamie?”

“Welcome home, jagiya,” I said, slowly getting up from the chair. Grace stands there, still confused. I gently kiss her cheek and assist her in taking off her jacket.

“What is all of this?” Grace asked as she walked further into the apartment. She looks around before sitting on the couch.

“Just something I decided to put together,” I said, walking to Grace. I sat on the ottoman across from her, lifting her left leg up to unbuckle the heels she had on. Grace watched intently, almost as if she didn’t want to say anything to interrupt the moment. She groaned in relief once the first heel was off her foot. I immediately lifted her right leg, taking off the heel from that foot. I gently started to massage her feet, watching Grace throw her head back on the couch.

“Oh my god, that feels amazing,” Grace commented, picking her head up to watch me. I smirk at her, enjoying seeing Grace relax like this. “Did I miss something important today?” I laughed and shook my head.

“No, no,” I said, looking up at her. I could tell that Grace was on her feet for most of the day today; her feet were extremely tense to begin with. She had attended the open house for her dance academy, and if there’s one thing I know about Grace, it’s the fact that she will put 100% of herself into her passions. I still can’t believe just how amazing a woman Grace is. “Tonight, we are celebrating you.”

“Me?” Grace pointed at herself and sat up once I was finished massaging her feet. I stop her before she can get up, grabbing her slippers from the side of the couch. Grace looks at me with this look, impressed.

“Yes, you,” I said in a low voice, helping her off the couch. I kissed her neck gently as she leaned her head on my shoulder, trying to keep it together. I directly speak to her neck, kissing it almost after every other word. “We’re celebrating your successful open house at the academy. We are celebrating everything you’ve accomplished…” I gently caressed her chin with my hand, lifting her head up to look at me. “We are celebrating the life you are creating.”

“Hey, you helped too,” Grace teased back. I smiled, kissing her on the lips gently.

“But you’re doing all the work,” I said to her lips. I kissed her deeper this time, feeling Grace melt on my lips. “And to do it while being the most beautiful, sexiest woman takes true talent.” I took Grace by the hand, leading her to the dining room table. I pulled out a chair for her, guiding her down slowly as she sat. She watched my every move, going to the kitchen and grabbing two plates of food, and placing them on top of the table.

She looked down at the plate and gasped, excitedly. “You made bulgogi?!”

“I know you specifically like the way I make it,” I started to say, pouring her a sparkling drink. “And some sparkling raspberry lemonade; the best of both cultures.” Grace giggled as she picked up her chopsticks to eat.

She quickly put her chopsticks down and looked at me. “Jamie.”

“Yes, jagiya?”

“What is the meaning of all of this?”

“There is no meaning,” I responded, beginning to eat the dinner. “How was your day?” Grace looked at me before picking up her chopsticks again to eat, seeming to finally play along.

“It went well,” Grace began to explain. “We had a lot of prospective students come and see the studio, my Aunt Jennifer was there for moral support. And the girls put on a great number for the performance aspect of the event.” I loved it when I was able to see Grace visibly get excited over something. That never changed about Grace, whether she was talking about a case she worked on while she was in the firm, or a dance she taught her dancers at the studio. “How about you? Were you busy putting all of this together?”

“Ne, maja; that is correct,” I said, smiling at her. “My only objective was to make tonight as perfect as the person it’s for.” I could see Grace blushing, covering a smile with her hand as she ate. Dinner went by pretty fast; Grace had finished her plate of food way before I did. I know just how hungry agi has made Grace feel these last couple of weeks since entering her second trimester. After dinner, Grace and I went back to sit on the couch, talking about everything and anything she wanted to. Every now and then, she’d rub her belly with her hand; every time she did that, it made the butterflies in my stomach act up. I eventually join her, placing my hand on top of hers.

“I was grateful that Baby was calm for the open house,” Grace mentioned. “Between my nervousness and constant heartburn, I swore I was going to have to leave early.”

“Ya, agi,” I spoke to Grace’s stomach. “What did we say about giving eomma a hard time when she’s working?” Grace giggled as she watched. Immediately, I felt the baby kick. It completely took me off guard. I looked up at Grace in utter shock. “Did you feel that?! Of course, you felt that; that was a stupid question.”

“They’ve been pretty active lately,” Grace said, holding her belly as I stared down at it. “I think they can hear you.” I couldn’t help but feel incredibly giddy in this moment. I knew this moment would come one day; the moment that everything finally feels real. Grace and I are really having a baby, and that baby is moving around underneath my hand. I couldn’t help myself at this point; I immediately kissed Grace in a passion, feeling so turned on by her. The kiss turns into a make-out session, and my hands are exploring her body. I bite down on her bottom lip, pulling it with my teeth as a little moan comes out of her. She’s driving me crazy.

She looks at me with low eyes, trying to catch her breath. “Jamie.”

“Yes, jagiya?” I kiss her jawline before looking at her. I can see Grace contemplating this next move.

“I, uhm–“

“Grace,” I said in a more serious tone. “You don’t even know how hard I am holding myself back from ripping you out of that dress.” Grace’s eyes widen, surprised at my honesty. I rubbed my thumb against the spot I bit on her lip, hoping I didn’t draw any blood.

“Jamie,” Grace said, shocked. I smiled at her, taking in her beauty. I don’t know what I did to deserve a woman like Grace, but I felt the need to show just how grateful I am to be the man who gets to love her. “What has gotten into you?” She playfully teased back.

“Let me put it this way, jagiya,” I said, finally sitting up to face her. “The way your body is creating a life as a result of two people being madly in love with each other; it’s the hottest thing you’ve done.” Grace giggled, slightly blushing as her response.

“Are you saying you like me better pregnant?” she asked. I shook my head.

“Not better,” I said, gently kissing her lips. “Just as much.” I caressed her body to get it closer to mine, tracing my index finger down the side of her belly. I can feel her tense up when I do, about to take control of the situation. Not today, jagiya.

“Nuh-uh,” I whispered as I kissed her lips softly. “Trust me when I say that I still think you’re hot, sexy, and know just how to keep me turned on.”

“Jamie,” Grace nervously laughed, adjusting herself to look at me. “I’m a walking hot air balloon. I’m achy all the time, and I’m starting to wobble as I walk. I am everything but attractive right now.”

“That is where you are wrong,” I responded. “I’m fascinated that more and more each day, your body changes. I know you may feel uncomfortable, and you probably don’t feel as sexy as you did before getting pregnant. I think you’re even more sexy, and all I want is to show you what you do to me.” I lift Grace up from beside me, placing her on top of my lap, facing me. I give her one last kiss before I look at her with a devilish smile. “Hold on, beautiful.” I get up from the couch, my arms grab a hold of Grace by her hips. She gasped and wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Oh my God Jamie,” Grace said, stunned. I adjust her on me, cupping her butt with my hands. I carried her towards the wall next to the bedroom door. Her back is now pressed against the wall as I begin to send her kisses from her neck to her chest, loving the flustered color it’s turning.

“Neo jeongmal segsihae,” I said, kissing her jaw before looking directly in her eyes. She looks at me with a bewildered look. It’s a cross between “oh my god, what has gotten into Jamie” and “Fuck me already, Jamie”. I choose to listen to the ladder.

I open our bedroom door with Grace still in my arms, and immediately place her on the bed. I kissed her as I began to unbuckle my pants; her hands finding the hem of my sweater and started lifting it up. I helped her finish, exposing my bare chest to her. She immediately traces her hand down my chest; my body burning for her touch. I take her leg and put it over my shoulder, leading kisses up her leg. She watches me, breathing heavily and completely in awe. I travel up her body, looking at her directly in the eyes as I take her underwear off. She tries to sit up, but I immediately shake my head, placing a finger on her mouth.

“Ya“, I said in a deep voice. I kissed her, tracing my hands along the hem of the dress. “Remind me to take you shopping for a new dress.” I grip the dress by the neckline, and instead of just unbuttoning the dress, I rip it open. Buttons fly all over the room. Grace gasps, watching me. She was trying to find the words to speak. I could see the thoughts in her head as if they were translucent. “I did say I was going to show you; did I not?” Grace simply nods her head, watching me as I unhook her bra, exposing her breasts. My eyes look at her in lust. “Let me show just how hot, sexy, and beautiful you are, jagiya.”

Grace’s breathy moans were addicting. I could tell she was holding herself back for the sake of our neighbors. I wasn’t making it any easier for her, pushing her to her absolute limit just so that I could hear her enjoying it.

“Jamie–“

“I can’t hear you…”

“Please,” Grace pleaded in a breathy whisper. I kissed up and down her neck, groaning into it as I did. God, she feels so perfect. My hands trace down the side of her body, pulling her leg up to get in deeper. She finally gasps out loud as it echoes through the bedroom.

“Much better,” I whispered into her ear as her back fell into my chest. I continue to play with her, showing her a side of me that she has never seen before, and a side I never knew I had in me. “Let them hear all the beautiful noises that come out of that pretty mouth of yours.” Just to motivate her a little more, I started getting deeper and deeper, seeing just how much she could take me in.

“Oh my god,” Grace shouts, turning her head to look at me. I can see it all over her face, the sheer shock, excitement, and arousal she is experiencing. Her hair is spread wild on the bed, and with my right hand, I pull it, making Grace arch her back more against me. “Yes,” she said as her voice cracked. I kissed her softly on her jawline, breathing heavy into her neck. I couldn’t help myself anymore, to the point where the atmosphere took me over. I quickly pulled out and got up from our bed.

Grace lay back, watching me walk to the front of the bed with my eyes never off of her. I got a good grip of her legs and pulled her close to me, spreading them open. I slowly go back in, watching Grace bite her lip and arch her back in utter bliss. She was completely aroused; her breasts were perked up; her nipples were hard. I leaned in and gently placed my mouth on her right breast, toying with her. It drove me crazy when Grace began petting me, tussling my hair after every breathy moan she let out. I looked up at her before traveling from her chest, down to her stomach, kissing it softly.

“Aigoo, you’re so beautiful,” I say to Grace, my lips brushing against her stomach. I stand back up, putting my index and middle fingers close to her mouth. To my surprise, she opens her mouth and accepts my fingers, licking them with her tongue and slowly pulling them out of her mouth. It was a beautiful sight to see Grace get into it, showing me just how fucking sexy she is.

I take my hand and place it just below her stomach, looking at her for confirmation. “May I?” She quickly nodded her head yes. “Uri gongjunimeul wihaeseoramyeon mueosideun.” Anything for my princess. I go down deeper and begin playing with her with my fingers while also still being inside her. Grace’s head snaps back, as her arch was even higher than it was previously. The filth coming out of her mouth sounded more like spoken word poetry, a sentiment that I wouldn’t mind hearing more often. Fuck me harder. Baby, don’t stop. Your dick is so fucking big. That last one drove me insane.

I feel myself closer and closer to finishing, pumping into Grace hard as the headboard hits the wall with every thrust. Grace’s moans got louder; each one more arousing than the last. I grab her by her hips, slamming her against me harder and harder. I couldn’t keep my own mouth shut; it was like I needed to let her know just how crazed she was making me. You’re taking me so well, beautiful. You feel so fucking good on me. You’re so perfect. That last one, I looked at her while saying it, watching her breasts jump from each pump.

“Jamie,” Grace moaned out, her mouth gaping open. “Oh my god, I’m–“

“Nuh-uh,” I leaned in, kissing her lips softly. “You have to wait for me.”

“Jamie,” she dragged out my name in desperation. “Please–“

“Please what?”

“I… can’t…” Grace said, grinding her teeth together and shutting her eyes.

“Jagiya,” I teased. “No, no; look at me.” Grace opens her eyes, which, more than anything, tells me she’s ready. “Please what?”

“Cum for me,” She finally said out loud, looking directly into my eyes. The devilish smirk reveals itself for one last time.

“Not until you do so first,” I said, standing back up and turning Grace’s head with my hand, facing the vanity mirror. “Watch as I finish showing you just how hot and sexy you are.” From there, there was no turning back. I continued pounding Grace onto me, sweat dripping down my face, looking down at her as she watched through the mirror. Her moans begin to line up to mine, my body beginning to feel completely numb. If this wasn’t the best sex Grace and I had, I don’t know what is.

“Oh fuck,” I let out, finally releasing myself into her. “Grace,” I moaned out. She let out possibly the most angelic moan out of her body, feeling her finish on me. I lean on her slightly, catching my breath as I look at her. She turns her head to look at me, and gasps one last time as I go in deeper, letting her know in a way that if I could, I’d do it again. Over and over and over again.

If you would’ve asked me a year and a half ago if I’d be in Grace’s bedroom getting ready for a rehearsal dinner for my best friend’s wedding, I’d laugh out loud.

I combed my hair to the side, making sure my fringe isn’t in front of my face the entire night. I blinked to adjust my eyes to my glasses, and it wasn’t long after until I heard Grace walk into the room, on the phone with her cousin, Skylar.

“Sky, the more you put that negative energy out there, the more likely they’re gonna happen,” she said as she sits on the bed. I can’t help but look in the mirror at her reflection and smile as she attempts to put on her heels. “Nothing…is… going…to… go wrong–Jamie!” I turned around and walk toward Grace, kneeling on the ground to help her with her shoes. “We’ll see you in a few; don’t try to kill Shawn before the dinner.” She hangs up the phone and tosses it on the bed.

“Still stressing about the dinner, huh?” I said, buckling the last strap of her heel. Grace lets out a deep sigh as her answer, looking down at me. Before getting up from the ground, I look at Grace’s tiny, growing belly; placing my hand over it.

“Between today’s morning sickness and Sky’s panicked calls, I feel like I lived the entire day already,” Grace said, getting off the bed to walk over to her vanity. “I swear I might kill Sky before she’s able to kill Shawn. Have you spoke to Shawn today?”

“I did,” I answered, putting on my tie. “He’s just as nervous as Sky; only difference is he isn’t the one in charge of the rehearsal dinner.” I walked over to Grace, grabbing my bracelet from the vanity to put it on. “How are you feeling, jagiya?” Grace turned around, facing me as she sighed. It’s been a rough first trimester for Grace; not only because of the usual morning sickness and not being able to sleep through most nights, but even getting where we’re at has been a bumpy road.

Grace found out she was pregnant when she was visiting her mom in Italy for this year’s dance production. In true Grace fashion, she didn’t tell me until she got back and she didn’t tell me right away. It took her puking at my law firm’s holiday party to finally get the courage to tell me. It definitely was a rough couple of weeks after we found out, but we both were adamant on the fact that after everything we went through, we were ready to have a baby… even if it wasn’t planned.

“I’m nervous,” Grace admitted as she rested her head on my chest for a moment. I understood how tired she probably was on top of having to be her cousin’s maid of honor. I can relate being Shawn’s best man. “I feel like I’m nervous for Sky. She’s been crazy about this dinner and then with the wedding being tomorrow, she’s been a complete bridezilla.”

“Can you blame her though? She’s getting married,” I said as I rub Grace’s back. She gets off of my chest to look back up at me. I smile at her, just to reassure her that she’s going to be okay. “I know she’s been extra hard on you during this process, but after tomorrow it’ll all be over.”

“Is it bad to say that I can’t wait until she’s married and on her way to her honeymoon?” I couldn’t help but laugh at Grace’s question. I kissed her forehead before walking to the closet to grab her coat.

“Absolutely not, jagiya,” I began to say, placing my hand back on her tiny belly. “You have other things you’re busy working on.” Grace smiles, standing on her tippy toes to gently kiss me on the lips.

…

“Thank you everyone for coming out to our rehearsal dinner,” Skylar said, standing in front of the room of the banquet hall. “It’s been such a beautiful, chaotic year planning this wedding, and we can’t believe that it’s finally here!” I watched Shawn hold Skylar closer and tighter, shy standing there in front of her friends and family, in addition to his family that flew in from Korea. “Thank you, dad, for being able to come here from California to formally give me away at our wedding. I know how difficult it was to be able to make it here.” Skylar’s father smiles, waving the emotions away as Skylar’s voice cracks. Shawn holds Sky even tighter as she does, and hands her a thing of tissues from his pocket. “And thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Im, for being able to make it here from Korea for both the dinner and wedding.” Skylar looked at Shawn, in which he translated back in Korean for his parents. They finally smile and nod their heads, which was a good sign. “All this wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for our best man and maid of honor, Jamie Kim and Grace Ashmore. It truly means so much to have the two people that introduced us that one summer in California help celebrate Shawn and I’s love.” Grace smiles and blows a kiss at her cousin; I simply smile and put my arm around Grace. “Anyway, enough of the sappy shit, let’s eat and enjoy the rest of the night!” Everyone laughs and claps at Skylar’s speech before they begin to speak among each other.

“Hey, kid,” I hear a man’s voice approach our table. I quickly glanced over, recognizing it as Grace’s parents. I immediately get up from my seat, about to politely bow until Grace grabbed my arm, reminding me that it was okay to not bow for her parents. Grace hugs her parents first as I shake their hands. I still get so nervous being around her parents, even if they have been the most accepting people of me in any relationship I’ve been in. Maybe that was just the difference between Korean parents and American parents. “How are you guys doing?”

“Just waiting for the wedding to be over,” Grace answers and sighs. “Sky’s been driving me crazy.”

“Oh, Uncle Mason told me,” her father continued. “Sky nearly had a heart attack when she couldn’t get the flowers she wanted for the ceremony.” Her father smiled and looked at me. “Has Shawn been a crazy groom?”

“More like a nervous one,” I joked nervously. How can I call Shawn nervous when I’m just as nervous talking to Grace’s parents? Grace definitely can sense just how nervous I am. How many times can I internally say the word nervous–

“We’re happy though,” Grace intervened. “We knew they were perfect for each other the moment she ran off with Shawn on the first night they met.” She looked over to her mother before she spoke. “I heard Sonia is looking after the production for these two weeks you’re in New York.”

“She owes me,” her mother answered, raising an eyebrow. “Plus, she secretly misses being the director; she can barely go a day without calling me about it.” Grace laughed and nodded her head, seeming to agree with her mom. I could tell Grace was still uncomfortable talking to her mother since the start of the pregnancy. I can understand how difficult their relationship has been, and Grace always thinks her mother is thinking negatively about her decisions. She tried to keep things as normal as possible, but it was hard when her mother looked down at Grace’s belly after every sentence said. It was now me that needed to intervene.

“It was nice to see you again, Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore,” I politely said. “If you excuse us, we’re going to check on Skylar and Shawn… wish us luck.” The four of us said our goodbyes for the time being, walking away from getting any deeper in conversation.

“Thank you,” Grace whispers to me as we walk across the room towards the soon-to-be bride and groom.

…

“Jagiya, it’s just for one night,” I said over the phone, taking my coat and putting it in the closet. It hurt me to not have Grace home with me, but I understand why Skylar preferred her bridal party to sleep in her hotel suite tonight. “Before you know it, we’ll be at the wedding dancing on the dancefloor–” Before I could finish my sentence, I hear a loud knock on the door. I shook my head, knowing exactly who it was. “Yes, I know how much you’re looking forward to eating a piece of that wedding cake.” I opened the front door and see Shawn standing there with various bags and a suitcase. He walks in as if he lives here himself. “Shawn just made it to our place; you can tell Sky he’s not a lost puppy in the streets of New York City.” Shawn rolls his eyes as he sets his things down. “I love you too; give agi a kiss for me.” I look at Shawn as I hung up the phone. I can tell he has nothing else on his mind besides this wedding since Shawn would’ve normally said something he thought was witty and funny.

“Tonight was… a lot,” Shawn finally said. I walked into the kitchen and took down two mugs from the cabinet, offering Shawn some hot tea. “Putting my parents in a hotel was more difficult than the Korean Bar Exam.”

“How are they liking New York so far?” I asked, walking over and handing him a mug.

“Oh they love it,” Shawn said, taking a sip from his tea. “They asked me why Sky and I are living in California and not here.”

“Your parents have a point,” I teased, sitting down across from him. “But I understand that Skylar wants to be close to her father.”

“For a man actively battling this cancer, he sure has a sense of humor on him. He did this whole elaborate prank on me when Sky first introduced me. I swear I thought I was going to have to pack my bags and go back to Korea and start over.” I laughed at Shawn’s recollection. I remember that frantic phone call. Shawn quickly changes the subject, which I wasn’t surprised of; it was something he always did when he wanted the attention off of himself. “So, when are you and Grace getting married?”

“Ya,” I winced, not wanting to get into this conversation again. “Are we really bringing this topic up on the night before your wedding?”

“My wedding, your wedding; it’s still wedding related.” I give Shawn a look he knows far too well; the ‘I know exactly where this is going to go’ look. Shawn has been asking me this exact question since I came back to New York for Grace. It died down a bit when he was getting ready to properly propose to Skylar. It picked back up the moment she told him that Grace was expecting almost 4 months ago. “Hopefully it’s soon; Sky and I have a running bet to see how long it’ll take you to propose.”

“It’s not as easy as you’re making it.”

“It actually is,” Shawn debated. “I literally did it myself.” I hold the bridge of my nose, letting out a huge sigh. “Kevin married JooAh as soon as he got to Korea after finding out she was pregnant, and they’ve been happily married since. You saw how cute their little family looked at the dinner—”

“Shawn,” I said, trying to get him back on track. “Kevin and JooAh’s relationship is completely different than mine and Grace’s.”

“How? He got her pregnant, he flew back and immediately asked her to marry him,” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest, talking as if he had it all figured out. “If Grace was Korean, you guys would’ve been married with babies running around all around your house—”

“Keyword in that sentence is Korean,” I said, air-quoting the last word. Shawn fails to realize that this is America, and Americans do things differently than what we grew up around back in Korea. Shawn rolls his eyes and shifts in his seat.

“Hyung, do you love Grace?”

“Really, Shawn?”

“Well, do you?”

“Of course I love her,” I answered, just to get him off my back with this stupid question. “I wouldn’t have moved across the world to be with her if I didn’t love her—”

“Exactly!” Shawn snapped his fingers as he said. “You love her, so much that you sacrificed your life back in Korea in order to be with her.” I scrunched my eyebrows, really trying to understand where Shawn was going with this.

“It was my decision to come to America,” I emphasized.

“Was it?”

“Shawn, I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking about my girlfriend,” I said, trying to get Shawn to stop talking in riddles. “Grace did not force me, or give me an ultimatum to make me come live here with her in America.”

“No, but you sacrificed something in order for you two to be together. Grace…”

“Ya,” I sternly said, warning Shawn before he finished his sentence. “Be careful with your words.”

“There’s no doubt that Grace is like a sister to Sky, which means she’s practically my sister-in-law. I say this with nothing but respect, but what has she sacrificed for this relationship?” I leaned forward in my seat, which made Shawn a bit timid. He quickly gathers himself, as if he’s really trying to prove his point.

“She’s literally four months pregnant with our child, Shawn; what more of a sacrifice can she make?” All I can think about is that night after the holiday party; it nearly took me all night to talk to Grace and calm her down. “You fail to realize the first time she was pregnant, things between Grace and I were immensely different.”

“Okay, that’s one thing,” Shawn sat up, gathering his thoughts. “But in the sense of her giving up something in her life for the sake of your relationship, Grace has had everything easily handed to her.” Before I got the chance to get up from my seat, Shawn backtracks his statement. “What I mean is that she didn’t have to leave New York or her family or her job in order to be with you.”

“And you think her agreeing to marriage is her sacrificing something in her life?” I questioned, not believing a word Shawn was saying. “You also fail to realize that Grace would technically be in the same predicament she was when she was engaged to her daughter’s father.”

“So you’re afraid to actually propose to her because you believe she’s gonna say no?” Shawn put together like pieces to a puzzle. “You think that she’s going to say no?”

“I don’t want her to think I want to marry her for the sake of the baby. That’s literally what happened when she had her daughter, Willow.”

“But you said it yourself, you guys are different people now. This time, you both know you love each other.” In a sense, Shawn was right. Grace and I are not the people we were in our late 20s, and the circumstances were different. Now we’re together, with nothing getting in our way being together. Was I afraid to ask her to marry me? Would she say no before saying yes? I sighed, feeling exhausted from this conversation.

“If it eases your mind, I’ll tell you this,” I began to say. “One day, I will ask Grace to marry me. For now, we have other things that need our attention.” Shawn gets up from his seat to walk over to his suitcase, noticeably grabbing a pair of pajamas from the bag.

“I get it,” Shawn said nonchalantly. “The Ashmore women are not like the women we grew up around. They’re independent, spunky, and want to be the ones to make the big decisions.” He turned around with his clothes in hand, facing me. “But you have to go for something that you want instead of letting it become just something in the backburner.” I hate when Shawn was right.

“Let’s just focus on your wedding tomorrow,” I gently said, getting up from the sofa to call it a night. Shawn doesn’t budge; he just continues to look at me before he ultimately sighs.

“The truth is you guys will never be ready. Not for marriage. You both will know when it’s time. That’s how Sky and I got to where we’re at.” Shawn walks to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Of course I want Grace to be my wife. Of course I want to get down on one knee, take the little box out of my pocket and ask her to marry me. Of course I want to be the one standing at the end of the aisle watching Grace walk down in a wedding dress. Of course I not only want our child to have my last name, but I want Grace to officially be ‘Grace Kim’.

The question is if she really wants that, and her answer is what scares me.