Category: Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Dear Liz,

I know that in this exact moment, you have a lot on your mind. Things feel like they aren’t tangible. Things feel like you have no control over them. Things are making you feel like you have no time for yourself or for the things you love. You’re totally laughing at yourself right now because yo are writing this while at your desk at work, with nothing to really do for the next couple of hours.

You’re here. You’re present, and you are doing the best that you could possibly do.

Remember that you have milestones to celebrate and to look forward to. Remember that you are still on this process of your weight loss journey and that you are literally 12 pounds away from reaching your 100 pound goal. You are learning how to live your life as efficient and simple as possible while trying to challenge your abilities and comfortability in situations that will always be out of your control. Remember that with everything in life, you will always learn from any mistakes you’ve made, and you will always know what to do if ever in a situation like this in the future.

Eight months have passed by. Eight months and within this time, you were able to do things that you weren’t ever able to do for yourself. You’ve been able to put your self-worth first, knowing that interpersonal boundaries are important to have with those around you. You’ve been able to challenge yourself and learn new things by leaving your bookstore job and going for the Registrar position instead. Sure, the transition hasn’t been an easy one, but you’re getting through it, and it will become easier as the time passes. Take it easy, and be gentle with yourself and remember that even making this step into unfamiliar territory has been one that you made because of your personal growth as a person. You are taking care of yourself in ways you never thought you would before, and for just that you should be proud of yourself.

Be proud that you are in a space where your identity has been established. Be proud that you are seeing progress in your weight loss journey and that the hard work you did and are currently doing is paying off. Pat yourself on the back for remaining positive despite the hardships you are currently going through.

Remember that nothing should ever get in the way from you working towards the things you want to achieve, no matter how hard it could be currently. Make sure that even though depressive episodes will come and go, you always have control on the things that you eat, do, and love. Know that despite your mental health telling you to give up and indulge in behaviors you normally wouldn’t, you have the control to take a step back and see what it is that you truly need in this space and time.

Everything will be okay, because you know how to be okay despite everything happening at once.

You got this and congrats on 88 pounds lost, girl.

Sometimes I think to myself: how was July just seven months ago? I guess when you’re focused and concentrated on something important happening in your life, you notice the day-by-day activity and time just feels like it’s going slow. I feel like that’s what happened to me; I’ve been so focused on this journey of mine! I’ve been learning how to eat differently and according to my new stomach and improving my relationship with food as a whole. It’s been a journey of ups and downs (still is) but it’s still so crazy to think that seven months have passed by since having gastric bypass surgery.

Hi, my name is Liz and I lost 80 pounds so far within my weight-loss journey.

First and foremost, I want to say this to get this out in the air: me talking about the amount of weight I’ve lost does not mean I hate the person I was when I was heavier. Talking about my size these days does not mean that I am “much happier” being smaller than when I was bigger. Me expressing my weight loss journey by trying on old pieces of clothing and having them fit does not mean I do not acknowledge the body I had before. My body isn’t a before and after. I am not a different person just because my body is changing.

One of the major things people have asked e in the course of seven months is if I feel any different, or if I feel better. I won’t lie; I tell every person that asks me that I feel so much better and so much of my age. It’s simply the truth. I was fine when I was heavier and I didn’t have major self-esteem issues behind my weight, but the more I gained weight, the more I felt limited in my movement in my everyday activities. During the quarantine period back in 2020, I gained 20 more pounds, resulting in me being 323 pounds. That was my heaviest weight ever. I returned back to my very physical and active bookstore job 5 months later and felt like I couldn’t keep up with the rest of my coworkers anymore because of my weight. It was stressful being a 26-year old woman feeling like they were actually 46-years-old. So yes, losing 80 pounds in seven months after having surgery has me feeling so much better and more of my age.

But, I tend to feel extremely anxious talking about my weight loss and sharing images of my body nowadays more than ever. The more I lose weight, the more I see my body changing. I am excited to see the changes, to feel the changes, and sometimes I will feel like sharing my journey can be toxic for others who struggle with their weight or don’t have the option to go for weight-loss surgery.

Your body is beautiful no matter what size it is, and I’m not saying that because I keep losing weight. My body was just as beautiful as it is now; like I don’t have a completely new body, it’s still me in my own body at the end of the day. Again, I know singlehandedly how hard it is to lose weight on your own; I’ve struggled my whole life trying to lose weight. I started dieting when I was just 12-years-old, thinking that if I only ever drank water and did not eat food I would lose weight. I would count my calorie intake on my phone during my freshman year of college because I gained the “freshman 30” instead of 15. I started Weight Watchers one too many times and failed because I was now anxious about my “points” for the day and week. I gave up trying to lose weight, which then resulted in me gaining 100 pounds in 6 years. I was so ashamed of myself when I hit 300 pounds because I thought I would never get to that point. That was just my standard; being only 5 feet tall and weighing as much as I did was extremely unhealthy and led to me being pre-diabetic. I knew that I needed more help in order to get healthy and lose weight.

I simply talk about my journey because I am serious about it. I am serious about keeping the weight off once that 2-year mark comes and then losing weight doesn’t just happen as it does now. I talk about my journey in every aspect because no one else has. Everyone will show you the pictures and videos of their bodies (and I’m not innocent of doing that either), but no one talks about the mental side of it all. No one talks about how it feels to have your birthday cake in front of you and can’t even have a piece with the rest of the family because you can’t have sugary sweets. No one talks about the constant vomit that happens within the first 3 months of surgery because you still don’t know what foods your body can handle and how much it can contain. No one talks about how people will call you pretty and beautiful now, but have never said that to your face when you were bigger. No one talks about these things, and I deemed myself as the person who would share this information with everyone. I told myself if no one else will tell me these things, then I will tell myself.

So here’s to seven months on this journey. Here’s to the 80 pounds I already lost whilst on this journey. Here’s to the next 5 months that will lead me to my first year since having surgery. Here’s to me shouting at the top of my lungs about my journey and my life and everything that comes with this chapter of my life. Here’s to being okay with my success and being proud of how far I’ve come without holding any guilt.

Here’s to me.

To my friends and family that are looking out for me within my WLS journey,

I appreciate you guys. I appreciate you being here throughout this unfamiliar process; one that has left me feeling as happy as I could be, but also has left me in some of the worst depressive episodes I’ve had in a long time. I am grateful for those who ask me what I can and cannot eat and try to include me in gatherings as much as possible. I am thankful that I am able to talk about my process, the good and the bad, with open ears and willingness to be reassuring that everything is going to be alright. I will forever remember those who were around for this life-changing journey with me, no matter how far away some of them were or how close they were. I appreciate your presence in my life.

But please stop telling me to “have some more” regarding my food intake.

I know that doesn’t come from a malicious place; it’s actually the opposite. I know that those around me want to make sure that I’m okay, that I am comfortable with the setting, and that I feel included when in reality, I’m now different. But, I don’t want you to keep asking, or telling me, to have more food.

You guys know first hand how long it took me to learn my new body and hunger cues. You guys have been around during the days where I would be in the bathroom, just waiting for the puke to come up and be over with it. The days on end where I feared eating large amounts of food for that reason alone, and when I did eat more, the sick days and nights were happening more. So, now that I have a better understanding of my body and know when to stop eating when I feel full, telling me to “have more” just makes me feel like I’m lying to myself or something. Clearly I feel full, so why are people telling me to have more food or try every single thing that is being served?

I may not have express this out to you all, but since having surgery, I’ve developed some sort of food anxiety, which I’m very terrified could develop into a eating disorder in the future. I fear I will plurge, puke, then plurge again. I fear I will train my mind and body that I’m not hungry at all and end up not eating anything for the day. While I am not new into this journey, I am still learning and doing things in my own way; a way that fits for me, and a way that is both helpful and healthy for me. I want to be control of my own body, and if I want to put food on my plate and it’s not as full or normal like everyone’s plate, then let me decide what I want to eat. If I just want one small piece of a meat and skip the sides, then let me do just that.

Telling me to have more feels triggering. Telling me to take some more food makes me feel like people think I’m starving myself, or I secretly want to eat more food which, again, if I want more, I will take it. Telling me to have one of your sides or look at me like I have 5 heads when I only eat a small portion of food doesn’t feel good. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. It makes me feel like I have to take your offer for your food so that I don’t feel antagonized for not doing so. It also fucks with my brain, telling myself that I should eat more and that I really want more when really, I don’t want to eat because “I’m hungry”, I’ll eat because I’m fucking anxious about food and think I want food.

What I’m getting at is please don’t tell me to eat more or pass me a dish and insist that I try it, especially this holiday season. This is my first holiday season post-op and I’m unsure how things are going to be for me, but please allow me to figure out what I want to do with my food during these times.

I love you, and thank you for being here for me through this uncertain time in my life.

Four months. Four months since I got bariatrics surgery and in total lost 55 pounds.

I’ve been documenting this process and journey for the last 5 months; I started about a month before I had the surgery, and continued to do so after surgery and here we are. I’ve written about some of the major highs of this process and how much healthier I’ve been feeling since then, but I’ve also not been shy to talk about some of the lows that not may people will talk about, and i still think that it’s important to talk about these things.

This post is about a low that I’ve been experiencing and been worried about, and I wonder just how many WLS patients have dealt with the same struggles or have had a similar mindset like me.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’ve been worried about the future of my eating habits.

In a nutshell, I’ve officially hit that mark in my journey where my doctors don’t need to hold my hand as much as they did before, which means it’s now completely up to me to keep up my eating habits and making sure I am getting the nutrition I need. For the most part, things have been pretty normal and nothing major has changed within my diet, until I came down with a cold.

When I got sick two weeks ago, I started to realize that I felt more hungry than usual and I was able to keep down more food than I could’ve in awhile. I was beginning to get nervous; I didn’t understand why all of a sudden, I was able to eat more than usual and not stay as full as I used to prior to getting sick. I was nervous to believe that maybe my body was now getting used to eating more and that I wasn’t as scared to puke if I overate anymore.

I was afraid to think that if I kept this mindset that I was able to eat more (like unhealthy things I should avoid) and eventually get sick, all I could do is just puke it out and blame it on the unwillingness to keep it down. Again, it’s a mindset I don’t want to end up having, and I hope that my mental health doesn’t get to a place where I think that’ll be okay to do.

I’m afraid that even if I eat more than I’m used to, I could eventually expand my stomach, which again is something that can eventually happen if your body gets used to holding in more food. When I was sick, I was able to eat without getting sick and still get pretty hungry pretty quickly. I was getting worried that a.) I was now eating and expanding my stomach which can possibly result in me gaining the weight back, and b.) I was actually eating normally than I’m used to but considered it to be a bad thing so I would try to cut back and eat small, despite if I was still hungry or not.

I guess I was getting nervous that in the future, I’m likely to get an eating disorder because of my newfound food anxiety since surgery, and I wonder if many people who’ve had this surgery felt this way at least once in their journey, or have sadly been diagnosed with an eating disorder after having surgery.

I don’t want it to get to a point where I think I’m eating too much when in reality, I’m eating just the right amount. I don’t want to keep looking at the scale and judge my stagnant weight as a failure. I don’t want to punish myself into thinking that I’m a failure because my journey isn’t what it was a couple of months ago.

In a way, this 4-month checkpoint is more so a start to the second step of my journey. Now I definitely have to limit my “bad food” intake to as little as possible because it’s time for me to actually put some work in. I need to do some exercises. I need to meal prep and be more cautious about what I eat. I can’t have this mind where I’m like “oh, lemme see if I can have this” to find out that I can and begin to indulge in the bad habit. I can’t keep thinking that the weight is just going to keep coming off without me actually being proactive and not doing things to keep the weight loss going. Yes, the weight is still coming off, but it’s not going to be like how it was when I was just a month into my post-op and the weight was just stripping itself off me. I now have to stop thinking that someone will hold my hand and tell me what to do when really, I’ve had just that for the first three months.

I’m just trying to not let myself go down this rabbit hole where my food anxiety gets so bad, I get diagnosed with an eating disorder. Again, with my weekly therapy sessions and just having people around me to talk to about my concerns and worries, I know I’ll have better control in what I do with my body.

To those who have been with me throughout this journey, I sincerely thank you all for being here and comforting me when I’ve felt lost, confused, and alone in the process. This process very much feels like grad school; being the only person I knew who went through it, I pretty much had to learn and experience everything on my own and in the process, developed an immense amount of anxiety due to the certainty of the outcomes. I am grateful that I’m able to talk to my family and friends and get some support for this uncertain and new journey.

Until then, here’s to another month on this journey.

I feel like I’m always gaining something. Whether I’m gaining new friendships, newfound interests, new styles, or anything that I haven’t had in my life before; something is always changing. I used to call them my chapters, the parts of my life that I grow into and then grow out of when I don’t fit or belong in it anymore. I’ve realized that chapters are crucial to growth in life, and a lot of the things that I don’t fit in or belong in anymore is just a sign that I am always changing and developing for the sole purpose for myself. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less, or it doesn’t make me feel like chapters are just a apart of life, but just something that I disguise my unwillingness to keep things in my life.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’ve realized that while I gain new things in life, I lose the old things that come with it.

One of the things I’ve gained was this WLS journey and have been able to lose 54 pounds within the last three months. I’ve gained new insight on myself, I’ve gained a confidence in style that I haven’t had in a long time, and I’ve gained a new perspective– a new lifestyle really– since having surgery back in July. I could feel those changes, and I felt them early on in this journey. Like I’ve mentioned before, I pretty much had to learn my hunger and body cues all over again and change the way I eat and drink. I had to literally press the restart button and learn things through trial and error.

But more than just my body began to change; it was also the people around me. I rekindled friendships these last couple of months that I thought I’d never have again, to state the obvious one. I’ve became a apart of two big online communities within the matter of a year and a half and made so many new online friends in the process. Of course, some of them lasted longer than others, but for the most part, I was not the same person even entering 2021 in, let alone at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020.

But, I realized while i was gaining new experiences and relationships in my life, I started to realize that the ones I had previously were beginning to look non-existent. For context, some of the people who I considered to be some of my closest friends didn’t even check on me before or after my surgery, which again I’m not crying over, but it started to put more perspective on these said relationships in my life and showed me where I clearly stood as a person in other people’s lives.

I realized that the further away I stepped from the person I was, the more distance I created with the people who were once friends with the old me; the old Liz. The Liz that didn’t collect photocards and albums of kpop boys and girls and have posters of said kpop groups on my wall. The Liz that didn’t really have friends, or hobbies, let alone a place where I could geek out about the things that were now interesting to me. The Liz where I began to grow out of clothes faster than I was actually growing!

I realized this narrative was a familiar one, especially those who got into kpop later on in their lives like me. A friend of mine in the community has expressed how the friends they had before kpop ghosted them or left them completely once they started to grew interest in kpop, and wanted to start building a collection of their favorite kpop groups and such. I didn’t understand how someone who you used to fuck with so heavy could ultimately just ghost you or drop you completely because of a contrasting interest that had absolutely nothing to do with them. But I do, because I’ve experienced it first-hand; I’ve seen just how much contrasting interests I began to have from the other people in my life, and perhaps even though I’ve gained a new interest in something like kpop, I put too much faith on the fact that perhaps maybe I was able to still keep those in my life and indulge in something that made me happy.

But I guess not.

And then there’s just this constant thought of maybe I’m drastically changing and not being the person these people know me as, but then I sit back and think who the fuck cares? Like, who cares if my interests change? If the “aesthetic” is different? Who cares if my priorities as a person shifted into a direction they once weren’t? Who cares if I can’t relate to everything like I used to. Like I said, I am constantly changing; we all are, but one thing that shouldn’t change is the way you treat people within those changes. Friendships, or any type of relationships are meant to be long-term. Relationships are meant to morph and grow with you, not be tossed once they have no relevance for you anymore.

But, not everyone thinks like me and some people just ghost to ghost or just never keeps in touch, no matter how many times you’ve tried to.

I truly do wonder if things will keep changing like this as I go down further into my journey. Will I soon realize that the people in my life don’t like me not being the fat friend anymore? Will I soon realize that my diet restrictions and unwillingness to do normal things like drink be a reason why no one wants to hang out with me? I know, it’s ridiculous, but I can’t help but wonder what are some of the things to come, and if they will be positive things or negative things.

At the end of the day, we as people just tend to gain and lose things all in one lifetime. It’s great if we can keep what we hold onto dearly while still gaining things from life experiences, but it’s rare to have that outcome happen unfortunately. We, as people, can only hope that the things that come into our lives, the things we gain, make us even happier than the things that we lost in our past. We gain things because in that exact moment, it’s what you want and what you can relate to and share and have in common and such. We lose things for plenty of other reasons, and I know it’s okay if I lose things during this process as I end my 20’s in a few years.

As long as you don’t lose yourself a long the way, I say that’s a win in my book.

It’s crazy to think about how quickly seasons change. One day we are walking outside in flip-flops, fanning ourselves with our hands on a hot, summer day; the next we are wearing jeans and sweaters, watching the leaves fall from their branches. When we think about how time truly passes by, we don’t realize just how much time is used to be where you’re currently at.

Hi, my name is Liz, and it’s been three months (and a week) since I had surgery.

It feels like I’ve been at this journey longer than three months. I feel like July 12th was decades ago, that I’ve lived this new lifestyle for awhile now and that the life I had before was long gone. But, it really hasn’t been that long!

Within the last three months, I’ve learned how to listen to my body when it tells me that it’s full. I don’t get sick as often as I did, but I still have days where I mess up and don’t communicate with my body. I try to eat more little meals or snacks during the day so that I am not starving myself or I’m not too afraid or anxious to eat. I’ve even tried sweets for the first time! Although I can’t have sweets like regular people can, I can have a little single treat (of course, if it’s less than 5g of sugar)! Other than that, I’m trying really hard to have control so that in the long run, I don’t get into the bad habit of accepting sugary foods back into my diet. Nevertheless, I still eat like the same 5 meals and snacks a day and pretty much stick with it until I get sick of it.

I’ve also been cleared to do heavy-lifting again! I was cleared to do heavy-lifting during my last visit with my doctor, and as soon as I was cleared, my job had me back to lifting heavy books and boxes again. It definitely felt different this time; I feel like doing those tasks aren’t as exhausting and tiring as they were a semester ago before surgery. Also! I was cleared to do exercise, so I started to go on the treadmill twice a week! I’ve been going on the treadmill for 30 minutes; I’m taking it slow to build up my stamina and hopefully in the future, I can go faster!

I haven’t had much depression about this journey within the last month. I mean, I do tend to still feel lonely at gatherings that involve food. I know these next couple of months are going to test me since the holidays are approaching, and I know there will be times I will get depressed and would want to live my old lifestyle again, but it’ll just be another thing I will overcome. I know my depressive episodes regarding my weight-loss journey will come again further down the line, but I’m learning to accept tit for what it is and that with practice and experience, I will be able to get through whatever it throws at me.

Although I’ve lost 51 pounds in total, I am still reminded of the person that I was before embarking in this new chapter. I still remember the person who wore these clothes. Although I sometimes miss the person I was and the lifestyle I had, feeling the way I now feel and being able to do the things I haven’t been able to do without getting tired makes this process worth it. When people ask me how I am feeling having lost as much weight as I had, I say that I feel like my age and that I feel lighter than I did before. It’s a feeling I never got to experience before, and I’m honestly so grateful that I’m able to feel this way about myself.

Who knows where the next month will take me? Perhaps I will be 60 pounds down! Maybe I will be able to figure out what my actual clothing size is and buy a new wardrobe! Whatever it may be, I’m excited to see what the next month looks like!

Here’s to many more, Liz.

To the person I was before surgery,

As I watch my family being able to eat all of their food off of their plate, I wonder how you used to do that. How were you able to finish all of your food that was on your plate? How would you be able to even go for seconds after a full plate of food? Did you enjoy the food that you ate? Is that why you would go back for more? I don’t remember how that feels. I don’t remember what it felt like to eat something and enjoy it. I don’t remember how it felt to take in a flavor of food and eat until you couldn’t eat anymore. There’s a lot about you I don’t remember.

I don’t want to forget the person you were. I don’t want to forget the person that really dealt with the self-image issues and the constant battle with your weight being a physical issue but also wanting to love your body for how she comes. I don’t want to forget the scares you had at night; the ones where you would feel absolutely sick and warm because your blood pressure was dangerously high. I don’t want to forget the fact that at 25 years old, you went to your doctor and told her that you are experiencing all the symptoms pre-diabetics experience. I don’t want to forget that you were pre-diabetic.

Although people will see you as “the before” in every photo I have, just know that you were more than just that. You were an actual person that dealt with the hardships of weight. You were a person that didn’t have much control in how fast your body was changing, despite getting the help needed to do so. You were always pretty, worthy, and will always be more than just a “before” photo. You were the before version of who I was, still am, and will continue being.

You will always be with me because you never left.

Despite how quick my body might change within the next couple of months, I will forever remind you that your body wasn’t and will never be something disgusting or bad. I will remind you that despite how many people will praise the body I’ll have as the months pass, it doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy enough to be seen.

I wish I took care of you better when i had the time. I know I didn’t know how to, and I didn’t know how much different life would be after-surgery, but i wish I was able to take you and just take care of you better. I’m sorry if I neglected you, and I’m sorry it took surgery for me to realize just how brave and strong you truly are. Like, I don’t know how you were able to go through surgery, and within two weeks, you seemed like you didn’t just have surgery! It’s amazing just how strong and supportive you are of me, despite me not taking care of you properly before. I will make sure to take care of you now– you won’t take no for an answer since if we don’t care for you, you’ll make me instantly regret it.

I love you and will always love you for who you were, what you are, and what you will become.