liz – Page 11 – Letters From Liz.

Dear, readers; welcome to Letters From Liz!

The time has come to write possibly one of the most important posts for Lizmas each year! Fun fact about this particular post: This is something I work on throughout the year. I make sure that if I come across a bomb album in the duration of the year, I write it down to remember to include it for this post.

It’s my Top 5 Albums of 2024!

For 2021, it was no surprise that Victon’s full-length album, VOICE: The Future is Now, was on the top of my list. For 2022, Demi Lovato took first place with her no-skip rock album, Holy Fvck. Last year, Kpop took their throne back on my list with New Jeans’ Get Up taking the number one spot! This year, I think my Top 5 has come down to a very interesting set of albums that honestly, I didn’t think would even come across my way this year.

Without further ado, here’s my top 5 albums of 2024!

5.) Sabrina Carpenter – Short n’ Sweet

It’s no surprise that 2024 was the year of Sabrina Carpenter. She skyrocketed to mainstream when her witty outros of Nonsense went viral on social media and adapted to this vintage, lacy, pastel image that has set her apart from the other rising pop stars of the year. When she released her first single of the year, “Expresso”, during the weekend of Coachella, the world went into a frenzy. It was the perfect song to start off the Summer and in many people’s opinion, was the Unofficial song of the summer. Her album, Short n’ Sweet ended the summer and did not disappoint. While she has some cheeky songs like “Juno” and “Bed Chem” on the album, I feel like her songs were very country influenced, which wasn’t my cup of tea at first. The songs definitely grew on me, the same way that “Please Please Please” became one of my favorites on the album. It’s no surprise that she dominated the music industry this past year, and it was so deserving considering the decade long career she has had already.

4.) Charli XCX – brat

Come on, it was a brat summer this year, and it was a damn good reason why it was! Just like Sabrina Carpenter, Charli XCX has been in the music industry for a decade now and was well known for being the features for Iconia Pop’s “I Love It” in 2012 and Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” in 2014. She was also the featured singer in John Green’s book-to-movie adaption of The Fault in Our Stars with “Boom Clap”. She has been in the scene for quite some time now, but when brat was released early in the summer, it was officially declared a “brat summer” with hits like “360/365”, “Apple”, and the many remixes that came after its initial release. I wasn’t the biggest fan of this album when it first came out, but it was only after I got hooked on “365” when I started to branch out to the rest of the album. Currently, I am loving “Sympathy is a knife” after enjoying the remix she came out with Ariana Grande not too long ago. It was a different sound in the world of the mainstream Top 40 music; it brought back a nostalgic sound from the early 2010’s when dance music was popular. The album has a whole was a pop cultural moment; everyone had lime green backgrounds with black Arial font wording on it. (I kid you not, the Bertha Harris Women’s Center at the college I work at currently has a brat-inspired album with the words “bertha” in the middle. Iconic.

3.) LE SSERAFIM – CRAZY

Of course, we have some k-pop on the list! I feel like for die-hard k-pop fans, this was a good year in music. Sure, I have my opinion on how over saturated the genre has become, but for the groups that I still follow and enjoy, some of them definitely flew on the top of my list. LE SSERAFIM is a 5-member girl group in 2022 under Source Music, a subsidiary to HYBE Labels. The members include Chaewon, Sakura, Yunjin, Kazuha, and Eunchae. This year was a busy one for the group; having released two EPs and their first English single, “Perfect Night”. Personally, it had been awhile since I actually liked a release that the group put out. Their 3rd EP, EASY, was not my cup of tea and possibly my least favorite of their discography. I didn’t have high hopes when they announced they would be releasing their 4th EP at the end of August, but boy was I wrong. LE SSERAFIM always had this “fashion model” concept since their debut, and this album ties together that concept with the storyline they also have tied to it as well. Besides aespa’s “Supernova” and “Whiplash”, “CRAZY” was the k-pop baby of brat. All the songs are unique in their own way (“Pierrot” being the outshining underdog that should’ve been promoted as a b-side, but who am I to say what to do) but they all sound… well, crazy. I really enjoyed this creative direction that the girls had for this album; so much that this was their first physical album of the groups’ for my collection. It was THAT good.

2.) NewJeans – How Sweet & Supernatural

Woo! The second year that this group has been in my Top 5 because I am still personally hooked on the style and sound these five girls bring. Although with the recent news (after months of feuding between the two CEOS of the labels) of NewJeans terminating their contracts with ADOR; a subsidiary under HYBE labels, I guess you can say that these two albums were their “disbandment” albums. They aren’t disbanding! Just… without a label at the time I am writing this. Anyway, How Sweet was the title track of their 2nd single album of the same name, and “Bubble Gum” was the accompanied b-side. “Bubble Gum”, like I mentioned in my mid-point roundup of top songs, has such a nostalgic and bright feel to it and really wish that it was the title track instead. It was hands down my favorite song of 2024, and wish it got the same love that their previous releases did.

A couple of months after having their Korean comeback, NewJeans ventured out to debut in Japn with their first Japan single album, Supernatural. Now, I’m not one to really enjoy Japan releases from K-pop groups solely due to the fact that (obviously) their sound is changed to target a different audience. Some groups stay true to their concept, and NewJeans was a prime example. This new jack swing inspired beat really makes me feel like I’m watching the intro of an early 90’s sitcom (which they actually pay homage to in their music video). Again, this song was so incredibly good, but I feel like with everything that was going on with the group and their labels, these gems were overlooked to the general public. These girls, being possibly one of the biggest girl groups to be recognized in both the genre and general public in 4th generation k-pop, made a gutsy move to stand up for what they believe in (despite what people think of their decisions). I hope that the group is able to continue making music together because, well… hate to break it to the community, but they were one of the first groups at their time to change the sound of K-pop music and do it in a way that was unconventional to the formula that entertainment agencies generated for their K-pop groups.

1.) Chappell Roan – The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess

It’s been a long time since a debut album of an artist truly was a straight-up masterpiece. They are truly a dime in the dozen; many artists coming out with a discography of music for the first time heavily rely on the music that is given to them that got tossed around different artists before it landed on their laps. Sure, some artists get the privilege to make the music their own by writing and composing it; Chappell Roan was a part of the entire process of her debut album and it shows tremendously. Chappell Roan, although did not start out being on television like Sabrina Carpenter or featured in big summer songs like Charli XCX, was literally just some normal girl in the Midwest making music about her experiences for the past decade. Born and raised in a small town in Missouri, Chappell Roan (which is her stage name as a nod to her grandfather’s last name and his favorite song, “The Strawberry Roan” by Curley Fletcher. She quickly gained a following after her first few songs (which were then added to this album) like “Pink Pony Club”, “Casual”, and “Naked in Manhattan”, and was even invited to be an opener for Olivia Rodrigo’s tour for her debut album, Sour. Both Roan and Rodrigo worked with the same producer for their debut albums, but when it came to working on Chappell’s album, it unintentionally needed to be placed on the back burner due to the overnight success Olivia go when “drivers license” was released in 2021. But hey; good things come to those who wait!

Chappell Roan’s debut album is a no-skip album. There isn’t a single bad song on this album and it covers pretty much very emotion you can possibly think of. It also covers just about every type of pop music subcategory you can think of, which is so hard for an artist to successfully do these days. I think that just plays on Roan’s aesthetic and image; she draws inspiration from theatrics and drag queens in her wardrobe, making music that sounds like you’re listening to it in a car ride in the 80’s (I’m talking about “HOT TO GO!” obviously). I also can’t describe how or why my brain makes this connection, but “Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl” is the song that Hannah Montana would’ve sang later in her career (Hannah, NOT Miley. You get me?) In a nutshell, her album made me a fan of her as an artist. She was not wrong when she said she’s your favorite artist’s favorite artist (inspired by Sasha Colby’s quote). I’m excited to hear what her sophomore album is going to look and sound like; something tells me it’s not going to disappoint.

And that’s it! I feel like this was the year that I started to get back into mainstream music (kinda) and strayed away from just listening to K-pop. I’m excited to see how this list looks like in 2025!

Day 2: Overexposed: ‘The Preschoolers’ of Higher Education.

December 15, 2024December 5, 2024 liz

Every Monday morning, I go into my coworker’s office to talk and catch up before the rest of the office comes in at 9AM. I always look forward to our “Monday Morning Meetings”, or the triple M as I like to call it. Most of the time, we talk about how our weekends went; she tends to have much more to talk about since she spends her weekend with her family. I tend to talk about just staying over my partner’s place and relaxing after a long work week. Sometimes, we venture out to talking about things in our personal lives and even though we were raised in different times in life (she is an early 80’s baby as I’m an early 90’s one), we’ve come to realize that we see a lot of ourselves in each other… besides the fact that she used to be a preschool teacher; I would never.

She explained that the most fascinating thing she’s witnessed when she was a teacher was watching the little kids learn new things and see the excitement on their faces when they did. Sure, it’s the things that as we get older become second nature to us, but watching a kid figure out something for the first time ever and being a part of that journey is what made the job memorable for her. Sure, I would laugh and commend her for even dealing with kids that young, but understand that those who work in elementary education in any capacity share that same feeling when talking about their kids. It’s– what you say–drives them. It’s what fuels them. It’s what keeps them going. It’s what keeps their passion alive, despite the negativity cogitation and politics that surround the field in general.

I don’t have the passion to change the lives of children, as I realized I just don’t work well with them. I’m patient, but not for children. What I am passionate about is helping and caring for people that I can somewhat relate to; it’s why I decided to go back to my stomping grounds of my alumna college and work there for 5 years now. I was once in these students’ shoes; an undergraduate walking the large campus for the first time and not knowing where the building of my next class was. I always refer back to the end of my junior year of college, sitting in my advisor’s office and having her tell me that I was 20 credits short and would not graduate on time unless I declared a second minor and took summer classes leading up to my senior year. I graduated on time because someone communicated with me about something no one cared to do for six out of the eight semesters of my undergraduate career.

I look back at that 21-year-old Liz and think about her a lot when doing my job now. She frequents back into my decision making when I am in a dilemma about doing what is right versus what feels right. I vowed to always be that person in higher education that is the connecting voice between staff and students. Students are allowed to know what is going on with their educational record and should always be told the correct information, despite on how our shitty our day is going or how overwhelmed we are feeling due to our busy times. They have it worse; most of us made it to our college graduations and earned our degrees already.

But maybe that’s just me being young and naive. Maybe in higher education, I am what you call a “preschool kid”. Maybe I am still too impressionable to truly see the reality of what it means to work in higher education.

Or maybe, just maybe, I carry so much passion when it comes to higher education.

Hi, my name is Liz, entering my 3rd year in higher education, and would rather be a ‘preschooler of higher ed’ than to just dim my light to be aligned with everyone else.

Lemme explain.

Some people will argue that I take my job way too seriously. Since the beginning, I’ve took a lot of my work home with me mentally, especially on the days where I feel the jadedness of higher education tries to challenge my morals and values in my field. People have to constantly remind me that “it’s just a job” or “don’t take it personal” or “you’re doing too much”, or my personal favorite: “what you’re doing is way above your pay grade.” People assume just because you are frustrated about one element of your job, you make it entirely about you and blah blah blah. Whatever.

Lately, my frustrations have stemmed from a place where I very much feel like I am in the middle of two different worlds within my field. I am metaphorically “not a girl, not yet a woman”; meaning I am not in the same class as those who work task-driven jobs, but not yet experienced enough to partake in conversations where my thoughts and opinions are taken to consideration. While I am great at what I do, I am constantly being humbled by those who still see me as being “too young” because of my work ethic. It’s the “oh dear, you still have high hopes for change in this field” from the people who’ve been in it for as long as I’ve been alive in some cases. It’s the politics and the hierarchy and this never ending superiority complex that people in this field have and–

Okay. Let me stop before I start sounding like one of those people in those podcasts who’ve worked in their industry long enough to see all the bad shit happen behind closed doors. Let me not be the Jaguar Wright of higher education now.

Being in the position I’m in now is allowing me to see the ugly side of higher education that I feel like many people before me have already seen. I am seeing the politics behind the institution. I am seeing the motives of city employees maintaining a cracked image. I am seeing just how many people come in just to clock in, get paid, and go home without caring about anyone else but themselves. Yes, I understand it is what it is, but it doesn’t make it right, especially if you are putting the academic career of a student at jeopardy.

So here I am, “holding space” for my youth in this field with flower patterns in my wardrobe and decorations around my desk while still upholding the status quo of my duties. I am still learning new things that fascinate me about the field, and policies that have been around long enough to even when I was a new student 12 years ago. I am still the preschool kid in higher education, thinking that all these things I am learning will help me grow and be wiser and to one day watch the new generation experience the things I once did.

But I refuse to become Jaded.

I refuse to let my current frustrations and the negativity cloud my vision of change. I refuse to stand in an assembly line with everyone else just trying to get to the end of the work day. I refuse to let others views and opinions take me down so early in my career; I will not let the misery that lingers in every career keep its company with mine. I will not become like my older peers when I get to be their age, and I will not let them silence me while projecting this idea that “the new generation is our future” in the same breath.

Let us take control of the outcome of our future. Let us keep our drive for change alive in hopes that one day, we can actually change the politics behind it. Laugh at me all you want; tell me you remember just how young and naive you were when you were my age and thinking that you thought you had the power to make significant change and–

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I am frustrated because I know that I am capable of being a part of conversation to innovate change. I am frustrated because this is the most confident I’ve been with myself and my work ever. I am in a position where there is so much left to learn, sure– I am not perfect and there is so much of the picture I cannot see yet– but give me the chance to show you that I am working towards getting there. I am frustrated because my passion is constantly being tested, but maybe it’s that same frustration that is making me want to work harder.

It’s just a job. Never take things personal. It’s way above your pay grade. You’re trying too hard.

It’s passion. It’s drive. It’s the excitement of learning new things and wanting to apply it to your everyday tasks. It’s seeing things in a lens that you never saw through before. Fuck it, it’s me being young and still new in this field.

But I refuse to let “older and wiser” turn into “bitter and anger”. I refuse to let decades of untouched politics in higher education stop me from attempting to make even a small change in it. I refuse to change who I am just to blend in into the green and yellow walls of our office, no matter how hard others may try. I refuse to let my passion in higher education fade away.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2024

Day 1: Re-Introduction, 2024 Edition!

December 14, 2024November 10, 2024 liz

Dear, letter readers – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It is surely the most wonderful time of the year, not only because it’s the holiday season, but because it’s the official start of the Twelve Letters of Lizmas!

If you are new here, the “Twelve Letters of Lizmas” is when I post blog content for the next 12 days leading up to Christmas. This has been a tradition for the blog since the early days of my blog when it used to be called a different name; any readers still around from that time? Anyway, if you’re interested to see just what type of content is posted in this series, you can read last year’s Lizmas posts here. 🙂

What makes these seasonal series so special is that it allows me some time to not only write about the various characters in my writing universe, but it also gives you guys some insight about me; the writer! Every Lizmas, we start off with a “re-introduction” of myself, so without further ado…

Hi! My name is Liz!

In 2024, I turned 30 years old and learned how to not only embrace adulthood, but to do so while maintain my youth. One major milestone I hit this year was that I turned 30 back in January. It was a big deal for me considering that turning 30 has always been this big, monumental change from being a young adult in your 20s and entering your 30s as an adult. It’s scary to think about when you are nearing the age; your 20s represent a time where it’s okay to still be youthful while still finding your place in society. There’s this misconception that you have to have everything figured out by the time you turn 30; you should be settling down and having kids with a steady career and all the things we grew up thinking about what people should be doing in their 30’s.

Being the youngest full-time worker in my current job position actually helped me learn to balance my youth and my adulthood pretty well. In a professional setting, I’ve learned that I am able to still maintain my professionalism in my work place while still making my space feel more colorful and bright and youthful. I now take that same ideology in every aspect of my life: one good thing I’ve witnessed in myself is that my adulthood doesn’t have all this necessary second guessing of what people may think of me. It was something that those older than me have told me years ago that the best part of being in their 30s was that they truly stopped caring about what other people thought about them because their adulthood helped solidified their identity. Being in this space where I didn’t care what people thought about me anymore, I found myself nurturing the little Liz in me, the girl that was too afraid to like different things or to wear things that she liked because of her anxiety or the fear of being bullied about it. I feel like while I’ve always been an advocate for always being your authentic self, I feel like I am now living the words I once told others to be. So yes, I am a 30-year-old woman that still likes colorful patterns and clothing, vivid hair colors and trinkets that symbolize what youth looks like to me. It’s something I honor very much being at my very big age, and in some way feels more rewarding than hitting societal milestones.

In 2024, I continued to challenge my social anxiety by putting myself in more social settings and learned what being in them looked like for me. Late last year, I was invited to my first social gathering (a party) in a really long time. I normally strayed away from going to these type of events because of my history being in them, but since being in therapy and working on myself, I didn’t have much opportunity to challenge my social anxiety and fear of social events until, well, last year. While I thought I mastered the art of being at a social setting, I didn’t. It really wasn’t until this year where I began to learn what it meant to be a person with SAD at a social event. This year, I went to a 90’s themed party during Spring Break, and a Halloween party back in October, and the two parties (although similar and thrown by the same person), were two completely different experiences for me. The first party I still felt this wave of awkwardness; I didn’t really know where to go or where to sit without feeling like I was leaning on my partner’s social skills to help me exist in the party. The second party, I had a better understanding of my role at this party and that truly, it was okay if partying looked different on me. It didn’t bother me as much to be by myself and vibing with the music, and if I did need to step out for air, I wasn’t completely anxious socializing with the people who were out there doing the same thing. I’ve come a long way as a person when it comes to being at social events, but I can honestly say that I am now a person that doesn’t shy away from going out to events; whether it’s on solo adventures to concerts, daytime show audience viewing, or parties!

In 2024, I learned the best way to keep yourself motivated is to know when you need to take breaks; traveling is the way I did so this year. This year was my first in my current position, which meant that more responsibilities and tasks were now on my desk for my 9 to 5. I felt myself needing time off to refocus my body and mind once again, and one way that I was able to successfully do that was go away and travel. For my 30th birthday, I went to California with my partner, and then this past summer, I went to Atlantic City for the first time. In addition to those two trips, my partner and I did another weekend getaway back to AC during a time that we both needed some relaxation and time away from our demanding jobs in education. In all of these trips, I was able to come back to the city with experiences I didn’t have before, as well as this feeling of having a new head on my shoulders when returning back to work. Of course, I hope to travel more next year and see more places I haven’t gotten to see yet, but this year made me realize just how important it is to give yourself the earned and deserved time to take it easy and relax. I’m also very grateful that I have someone that is willing to go on these trips with me with these same intentions in mind: come back feeling inspired and motivated to tackle whatever we have on our plates back at home.

In 2024, I’ve learned a lot about self-control, and struggled with it in the process. I’ve mentioned this on the blog before in the past, but for the last couple of years, I’ve struggled with learning how to balance my need to be in control of situations. Last year taught me that I can only control my own thoughts, feelings, reactions, and behavior. In the past, I had a hard time telling myself that, especially if the thing I was trying to control involved me in a way that made me anxious or stressed. While yes, I can only control myself and what I do in these situations, I found myself obsessing over my own self-control this year. I am still trying to master the art of not self-sabotaging when things get too stressful around me or if I’m not able to successfully have some control in a setting (i.e a busy time of year at my job, poor time management that involves other people, etc.)

I tend to try to get in control by changing something up with myself or engaging in compulsive behaviors that leave me feeling bad about myself. This year, my biggest challenge has been trying to control my self-control; in other words, talking myself out of doing something that is only emotionally driven. This is going to sound stupid, but this year I found myself relying on things to help ease my stress and anxiety, like eating nearly 4 packs of Tic Tacs a day within 20 minutes of each other and associating feeling good with that newfound addiction, or cutting and dyeing my hair nearly every week to regain some sort of control back into my life. I am now back to where I always end up being: trying my hardest to set boundaries with my compulsiveness and finding other ways to successfully release some stress and anxiety. I am realizing that a lot of my compulsive behavior I end up regretting once I look back and see the progress I made before hindering it, like growing out my hair to only damage it and cut it short again because that’s what I wanted in that moment. It’s a very weird thing to explain, but this year has shown me that new tactics and techniques must be made in order to not allow my need of control get the best of me and act out in ways that sabotages my progress. I’m glad I’ve become self-aware, and I hope that within the next year I successfully learn the practice on what to do when you are aware of doing something and how to stop it before it’s too late. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life, nor am I spiraling down due to a bad week or month.

Some other fun facts about me that are on the more light-hearted side:

I am still a boy cat mom with a 5-year old turtle named Squirtle that is very sassy.
I still live in NYC and still do not see myself leaving anytime soon.
I am still very much into fashion as I live to dress myself the way I wish I could when I was younger.
I do not consider myself a “k-pop stan” anymore as I removed myself from the online community completely late last year.
I do not even consider myself a true penpal writer anymore; I still casually keep in touch with the 3 pen pals I’ve kept and really only write letters periodically.
I spend a lot of my free time hanging out (big step for your social anxiety girly) with people, whether it’s to the neighborhood park or to the studio with my partner, or getting celebratory drinks at the local Mexican restaurant and bar.
My interests change frequently, and while back in the day that would bother me for not being able to like one thing for a long period of time, I now view it as a learning experience and just go with the flow. (for example, in the time I am writing this, I’ve gained interest in the Pokemon trading card world; I know I wouldn’t ever commit myself to collecting cards since collecting ANY type of photocard as traumatized me, but it’s fun to see people who are in the community pull cards and see what they get in the grading process if the card is worth something).

And I think that’s pretty much it! I hope I am able to have some more interesting stuff to talk about in 2025, but just like my 2024 re-introduction, this year has been a year of learning who I am in this time of life and what adulthood looks like for me and I guess it’s just been simple.

I hope you guys enjoy the rest of the content coming for “Twelve Letters of Lizmas”! Thanks for reading!

Misc., The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Emotions Versus Logic: A Sophie Monologue.

November 26, 2024November 9, 2024 liz

I ran down the block with my instrument case in my hand and my bookbag on my back. I was nervous that my mum was going to say something about me being late from school today. She been on my case ever since Mrs. Kamalani drove me home that day, after the whole rehearsal space situation with Milo. The one thing I was grateful for that day was that Mrs. Kamalani simply said she was there to drop me home after Milo and I had rehearsal after school. I assumed she wanted me to tell my mum the truth, but knowing how strict she’s been with me since starting Waverly High, it was best to keep certain things to myself.

I walked into the house and called out for my mom, letting her know that I got in on time. She walked in from the kitchen, apron on over her work clothes.

“Soojin,” my mother greeted me as she tied her hair back into a bun. “How was school?”

“It was okay,” I said as I put my instrument case down near the hallway entrance table. “We had a rehearsal right after school; that’s why I was a little late today.” Lies. I was waiting for a boy who promised me pizza after school, not remembering he was grounded for life. “We have a showcase coming up at Julliard; isn’t that exciting?”

“Julliard?” My mum said with her thick, Korean accent. “That’s the fancy music university in the city, right?” I nodded my head before I answered.

“It’s where all of the Waverly students go to college,” I explained, setting up the dinner table for my mum and I. “I heard that Waverly students are the most considered as incoming students; it’s seen as the continuation of Waverly High because those who audition for Julliard tend to get accepted.”

“Music university, huh?” My mum said as she covered the pot on the stove with the lid. She turns around, wiping her hands on her apron. “That’s where you want to go for college?” I sighed, hearing my mum talk about my future plans with college.

“I have time before I have to think about college,” I joked, trying to ease the mood. “It’s still so soon to be thinking about college.”

“Your first year is almost over though,” my mum mentioned as she tend to the food on the stove. “Before you know it, you’ll be taking all those important college entry exams to determine where you will be going.” I looked at my mum as she was finishing making dinner. I didn’t say anything back to her only because I didn’t want to think about something so far ahead in the future. I still had so many things to do and learn before I sat down and thought about college. I still had so many concerts and showcases to perform at, Regents to take, life to live as a high-school student. If the next three years happen the same way as freshman year did…

It was going to take forever to even get to think about college.

“Your father and I just want you to start thinking about the future,” my mum insisted. It bothered me when she brought him into conversation. I know she wanted to believe that he was still included in our family, but the fact was that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and I doubt he even cares to think about where my future is heading. “The possibilities are endless; a biologist, chemist, doctor, lawyer…” I looked at my mum as she started to serve the food on our plates. None of those occupations are offered at Julliard.

“About my showcase coming up,” I said, trying to direct the conversation somewhere else. “Mr. Harrison wants us to meet at the school on Saturday morning at 10. The showcase is supposed to start at noon, so–“

“Which Saturday? This Saturday?” my mum interrupted me to ask. I nodded my head yes, which made her seem a bit annoyed. “Soojin, you can’t go.”

“Wait, what?” I asked. “I have to go! It’s a part of my grade and I have a solo in the piece and–“

“That is the Saturday we are going to visit your father,” my mum answered in a stern manner. “His birthday is this upcoming Tuesday and I told him we would all be there to visit him.”

“Mum,” I said, not knowing what else to say at this point. “I can’t miss this performance!”

“You can’t make it to all of them, Soojin,” my mum began to argue with me. “I understand that this means a lot to you, but you have to understand that there are more important things in life that takes priority.”

“Oh, so you’re saying to just get a failing grade in my major?!” I questioned, getting angry now. “You’re telling me to miss my performance because we have to see my father who is incarcerated for doing things without considering how it affects the daily lives of his family?”

“He’s your father regardless whatever he did!” my mum shouted as she slammed her hand on the table top. The silverware made a noise as she did, which made the entire room feel intense. I was angry; furious. Time and time again I felt like I had to out aside my wants and needs for people that wouldn’t do the same for me. Band ensemble was the only thing that I wanted to do and had control over doing in a world where I really had no other say. My music was the only thing I ever felt good at and in control with at the same time. I will not allow anything, not even my father, ruin that for me.

I was in control of my wants, needs, and values in life, even if they meant I had to go against everything I was raised to believe.

“Fine,” I said, excusing myself from the table. “I will let Mr. Harrison know that I will not be able to attend this showcase because I have an obligation to see my father who out his needs first before his families and now has the next 5 years to deal with the consequences. That 0% next to my name for this showcase will look great on my report card this marking period.

“Soojin-ah!” my mum called out for me, but I simply ignore her and head upstairs to my room. No, mum. You will not make my decisions for me; whether they are for my present or for my future.

…

It was now Saturday morning; the air was warmer than it had been in the last couple of weeks. Going from the Winter chill to the Spring breeze made the mornings a bit more bearable to be awake for, and I was happy to see that out of all the mornings we had this week, today was the warmest of them all.

I walked down the block, feeling my heart rate increase with each step that I made. A part of me was telling me to do what was expected of me. That part of me, the one where I was this perfect daughter that did everything according to her parents, reminded me that I am where I am because of the guidance of my parents. The other part of me, the one I’ve grown to admire and follow, is telling me to keep going. Keep going after what matters to you, Sophie.

I stopped and smiled once I got to the building. The wave of anxiety I felt was immediately let out as soon as I saw him standing there looking back at me. This calmness, this certainty, and this newfound of emotions I had felt since that day everything changed was all because of him.

“You made it,” he said as he walked up to me.

“I did,” I said, smiling back at Milo.

Misc., The "Something" Series: Season 3

I Spy With My Little Eye, Something… : A Grace Monologue.

November 21, 2024November 9, 2024 liz

The beautiful thing about exploring in another country is the fact that you see things you never thought you’d get the chance to see in person. The bamboo trees were tall and skinny; some even looked like they were intertwining with each other to create some sort of bamboo-made roof. The weather was perfect for hiking the path, and I didn’t have any idea that a place like this even existed so close to the city.

Jamie walked ahead of me for most of the hike, guiding us down the path. It made me wonder if he comes here a lot; we walked around as if he did this frequently. Every few steps ahead, he would turn around to check on me; I would give him the thumbs up before he continued walking forward. We eventually made a stop at one of the benches, grabbing our water bottles from our bags to drink.

“How are you liking it so far?” Jamie asked as he took a sip of water.

“The sights are breathtaking,” I answered, looking up toward the trees and other surroundings. “Something that you don’t get to see back in America.”

“It’s the beauty of traveling,” Jamie added. “I remember when I got into New York City for the first time ever; we got there pretty late at night and all of us were just so mesmerized with the billboards and all of the lights. It’s like you don’t think you’d ever see these things in person after seeing them in books and movies.”

“Were you a Home Alone 2 fan?” I asked, mostly teasing but also curious. Jamie looked at me before he slowly nodded his head. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Wait, really?”

“My sisters and I grew up watching all of the Christmas movies,” Jamie further explained. “The huge toy store scene? It was my absolute dream as a kid to go to.”

“I mean of course,” I responded. “But it closed way before even my mom and dad’s time.”

“Nevertheless, it was breathtaking my first time,” Jamie added, clearly in thought.

“Would you go back?” I asked, not realizing just how much weight that question carried. Great question, Grace. He turned his head to look at me; it was like he was thinking the same things I was.

“I don’t know,” Jamie vaguely answered. “There’s so much more of America I have yet to see.” I nodded my head, immediately jumping away from the subject.

“How often do you come here to hike?” I said as I got up from my seat, stretching my body. “You seem to know your way around here.”

“I used to come here more frequently when I was kid,” Jamie began to say as he got up from his seat as well. “My father and I would go hiking before the weather got too cold in Autumn. It was somewhat of a tradition for us to do this, but now I usually go once a year around this time.”

“September is still a pretty warm month though,” I said as we started walking along the path again. Once we got toward the top of one of the mountain trails, Jamie had stopped us to take a breather. He sighed before he said anything.

“Today marks 7 years since my father passed away,” Jamie admitted. Fuck. I felt horrible for even having to make him remember why he does what he does on this specific day. “Every year, rain or shine, I try to take the walk to honor my father’s tradition.”

“Oh, I’m, uh–” I started to apologize, but Jamie shook his head before I went any further.

“It’s okay,” Jamie reassured. “Really.” I don’t say anything else after that; I allowed the sights of the bamboo trees fill in the void that was this conversation. I felt weird being on this hiking path with Jamie on the anniversary of his father’s passing. I felt as if I was intruding on something sacred. Out of all people in the world, why would I be here with Jamie on this specific day? He did invite me, sure, but was it out of pity? Did he think I was going to say no or something? If I knew the reason Jamie was taking this path today, I wouldn’t have agreed to come along. Too late now, Grace.

“Did you finish your piece for the production?” Jamie finally asked. I sighed, totally forgetting that was a thing I was working on today.

“Almost,” I answered, looking at the road as I walked. “I have a couple of things to polish, but for the most part it’s ready to be shown to the director.” Jamie looked at me as he chuckled.

“You don’t seem too excited,” Jamie mentioned. I shook my head, hoping I didn’t come off as ungrateful for the opportunity.

“I am, I’m just tired of the rehearsal process,” I said, looking up at Jamie. “Rehearsals are the tedious part of the production. I like being on stage and performing; not practicing all day in some stuffy room.”

“I guess I can understand,” Jamie said, looking up at the sky as he spoke. “I sometimes find myself anticipating wanting to go into the courtroom rather than studying on a case leading up to it. It’s like the adrenaline needs its time to just come out and do its thing.” I looked at Jamie, not really understanding the analogy between law and dancing, but I understood where he was coming from. He always tried to make everything into an analogy. He looked over at me and saw the look on my face; nearly smirking. He cleared his throat before he spoke again. “So, when is this new dance being debuted at the show?”

“I’m not sure yet,” I answered, looking forward toward the road again. “I know the director wanted to debut it towards the end of the production, so I think it won’t be too long until it does.”

“You’ll do great,” Jamie reassured me.

“Yeah?” I questioned, looking at Jamie. “Do you think it’ll be any better than what you saw during opening night?” Jamie’s face began to turn red. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You know why I was even there, right?” Jamie stopped walking to look at me. “I was gifted those tickets from my mother. She wanted to go and see the show, but she couldn’t make it that night. She told me to go instead, since my–” he stopped and thought about before he spoke. Your girlfriend, Jamie.

“Did you enjoy the show?” I asked, gearing the conversation elsewhere. I can see it in Jamie’s expression that he knew that I knew where that conversation was going.

“It was a beautiful show,” Jamie answered as he started to walk again. “All the dancers were extremely talented, and the visual direction was mesmerizing.” Jamie turned to look at me once more before speaking. “You were also did amazing at the show.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling a little weird hearing a compliment like that from Jamie. Jamie was supportive of my transition from law to dance back when we were dating. If I had any late night rehearsals, Jamie was the first person there to come get me when they were over. He was really the only one that understood why I wanted to get back into dancing; he knew how much it meant to me when I first started. He would’ve been so supportive about the production if we were together during the time I got the gig.

There a little awkward silence as we slowed down to our next resting point; once we found benches to rest on, I took out my phone to look at the time and noticed Sahim had texted me about an hour ago. ‘

Sahim: Wanna grab some dinner before rehearsal tonight? 🙂

I felt a wave of guilt all of a sudden. This was harmless, but knowing that Sahim knows that Jamie is my ex makes this hang out session almost immediately uncomfortable.

“Grace?” Jamie said as he looked at me. I powered off my phone screen and quickly looked back at Jamie. “You’re alright?”

“Yeah,” I said, putting a smile on my face. “It was my production group chat notifying us about something for tonight’s rehearsal.” I knew he knew I was lying right in front of his face. Jamie would pierce his mouth shut when he knew I was lying. Most of the time, he waited until I said the truth; this time, he just went along with it.

“The end of the path isn’t too far from here,” Jamie explained as he began to get up. “I can drive you back to your place or straight to your rehearsal if you’d like.”

“You don’t have to, Jamie,” I said, getting up from my seat and started to walk along the path again. “I’ll go back to the hotel and freshen up before going to rehearsal tonight.” I didn’t look back to see Jamie’s reaction; I just wanted to get to the end of the hike and go out separate ways for the day. Jamie didn’t say anything back to me; it was like he knew exactly what was going on inside my head and didn’t want to intervene. At least he understands.

…

I ran past the lobby of the hotel, hoping to bypass everyone in the lobby getting ready to go for tonight’s rehearsal. I needed to change quickly and get rid of any evidence that showed me being out in the forest all day. I was nervous; I didn’t want to have to explain myself if Aimee, Maurice, or Sahim saw something unusual on me. I quickly opened the front door of my hotel, shutting it behind me before anyone could see. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. What am I even doing?

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #32: Crossing Boundaries.

November 19, 2024November 4, 2024 liz

The bell rings at Waverly High and students begin to roam the hallway. Milo and Jennifer walk out of the vocal room more exhausted than usual. They both walk to their lockers to get their books for the next class.

Milo: Why was that vocal class literal torture today?

Jennifer doesn’t answer. She hasn’t said much about anything most of the day. Milo looks over at Jennifer for an answer; he doesn’t bother her for one.

Milo: Like I get it, Quartets are must to test you on your music, but man… it was hard to watch.

Jennifer: Yeah.

Milo looks over at Jennifer; worried. He clears his throat, changing the conversation.

Milo: You’re heading to Algebra?

Jennifer: Yeah.

Jennifer shuts her locker door closed and begins to walk away from Milo. He watches her as she does. He sighs as soon as Nicki walks up to Milo and his locker.

Nicki: Still nothing?

Milo: Nothing. *faces Nicki* She hasn’t said more than 7 words in the entire day. I don’t think I ever seen her this depressed.

Nicki: I know; it feels so weird to see her not being herself.

Milo looks down the hallway, watching Jennifer turn the corner of it. It breaks his heart.

Nicki: *changes the subject* Are you going to practice in the West Wing during lunch today?

Milo: Maybe; I’m not sure yet. Why? Are you?

Nicki: I really should, but I’m worried about Pep. I have to get this last part of the piece down, but Pep’s our best friend and–

Milo: I’ll go to lunch and stay with her.

Nicki: Are you sure? I know you barely like going to lunch in the first place.

Milo: You have to practice, Nic. I’ll be fine and I’ll keep Pep company.

Nicki lets out a deep breath before the warning bell goes off.

Nicki: I’ll see you in band later; give Pep a hug for me during lunch.

Nicki runs away from Milo to make it to her next class on time. Milo closes his locker after taking out his Biology textbook.

Milo walks into his Biology class and sits in his assigned seat. Gwen, as always, is on time at her desk already with her books out. She looks up when she sees Milo sit down in his seat.

Gwen: *greets* Hey, Milo.

Milo: *smiles* Hey, Gwen. *looks at her notebook* Are those your notes for a project or something?

Gwen: *shakes head* Regents.

Milo: *shocked* School’s not even over yet!

Gwen: *giggles* Go figure, Sherlock. *sighs* With my extra violin lessons and doctor appointments coming up, I’m not going to have enough time to study for the test in a couple of weeks.

Milo: You probably don’t even have to study; you’re the only one that’s gonna ace this test.

Gwen shakes her head and laughs.

Gwen: Well to be on the safe side; I am going to study. *changes the subject* Are you going to the West Wing today? Our show is tomorrow.

Milo: *hesitates* Oh, uhm… I was actually gonna grab some lunch today.

Gwen: *shocked* Really? *teases* I didn’t think you even knew where the lunchroom was located.

Milo smiles at Gwen’s minor burn to him. She laughs, playing it off.

Milo: You know I have to keep everyone on their toes; I just feel like doing whatever I wanna do.

Gwen: Until it’s the day of the show and you’re freaking out because you didn’t prepare enough for it.

Milo shakes his head and laughs.

Gwen: But seriously; you’re not going to the West Wing today?

Milo ponders the thought for a moment.

Milo: I guess I can eat some pizza after school today.

Gwen smiles as the bell finally rings to start class.

…

It’s the start of the lunch period as most of the students head towards the direction of the cafeteria. Milo, on the other hand, begins to walk to the West Wing. He makes the hard turn of the corner and stop short when he sees Jennifer turn the same corner.

Milo: *surprised* Oh! Pep!

Jennifer stands there, looking at Milo.

Jennifer: Hey.

Milo: Hey; are you headed to lunch?

Jennifer nods her head and continues to walk towards the cafeteria area. Milo follows along.

Milo: Do you mind if I come with you?

Jennifer stops and looks at Milo; confused.

Jennifer: Since when do you go to lunch?

Milo: I didn’t eat breakfast today, so I’m starving right now.

Jennifer: *confused* … You eat breakfast?

Milo: Do you think I don’t eat or something?

Jennifer giggles; seeing her smile makes Milo happy.

Milo: *teases* Since you know the lunch menu so well; what’s on it today?

Jennifer: *disgust* Chicken patties.

Milo second guesses his decision of going to lunch with Jennifer. Eventually, the two teens get to the lunch room and grab their lunch trays. They both turn around and look for an empty space to sit. They begin to walk over to the usual table Jennifer hangs out at.

Milo: So, how has your day been going so far?

Jennifer: I would say that I can’t wait to get home, but I would rather sit in Global for 5 hours straight.

Milo: That’s… cruel. Did you talk to your mom after I left?

Jennifer: No. Why should I? Clearly she doesn’t care about my feelings or listen to anything that I have to say.

Milo: But she’s your mom–

Jennifer: *defensive* Who cares? She’s not acting like my mom right now, so I’m not gonna treat her like my mom.

Milo sighs, thinking carefully about what to say next.

Milo: I’m sorry that you’re going through this, Pep. I don’t know how you exactly feel, but I can understand how much this means to you.

Jennifer: *sigh* I just don’t understand why my mom would let him back into our lives. He left us all those years ago and thinks he can just walk back into them.

Milo: Maybe you should ask your mom; she might make things clear for you–

Jennifer: *annoyed* I don’t want to talk to her ever again.

Milo sighs, realizing this conversation is going nowhere.

Milo: Why don’t we go to the pizza place today after school? This lunch is depressing to eat.

Jennifer smirks at Milo’s comment. He briefly sighs out of relief.

Milo: It’ll also be on me today.

Jennifer: You don’t have to tell me anything else! I’ll be there.

Milo smiles as he takes a sip of his chocolate milk. Jennifer returns eating her school lunch.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

To Love Something So Much, It Hurts: A Grace Monologue.

November 14, 2024October 24, 2024 liz

I took off my headphones momentarily to wipe the sweat off of my face. I looked at the mirror, sweaty and out of breath after finishing the number. It was harder than the one Sonia gave me for the first half of the production. The moves were more difficult to execute, and my technique and to be flawless to do this routine well. The crazy thing is that I was the one that created the routine as if I like torturing myself. Something told me that this was the routine that mattered the most in my life. Sure, every performance I’ve ever did and every number I learned for a show mattered, but there was something about being in my 30s and performing in a once-in-a-lifetime production. Chances like this don’t come easy for dancers my age simply because our bodies are not as flexible and durable in the way it was when we were young dancers. I remember what my body was when I last danced competitively; I was 17 years old. Remembering my body from that time makes me wonder what kind of technique and skill would I have mastered if I kept dancing in my 20s. I would’ve been so much better than my mom if I did.

I sighed as I took a sip from my water bottle. Before I was about to put my headphones on, I hear my phone ring off. I walked over to answer my phone; it was Skylar.

“Hey,” I answered as I put my phone on speaker. “Need help packing your 15 bags back to America?”

“Ha ha,” Sky deadpanned as she responded. “I have Shawn helping me do just that, thank you very much.” I smiled as she spoke. She finally feels like my cousin Skylar.

“You guys are doing alright?” I asked. Things were getting intense the last time I was at Skylar’s place with Shawn, Sahim, and… Jamie.

“We’re doing fine,” Skylar began to explain. “We spoke things out and just focusing on getting back to Cali to be with my dad.”

“And that marriage proposal?” I asked. I had to ask. “Where does that stand–“

“We’re not engaged, Grace,” Skylar cleared up. She seemed annoyed to explain the situation. “Is marriage out of the picture because I said no this one time?”

“Does he know that?” I asked again. “What if he doesn’t ask you again?”

“Do you know something that I don’t?” Skylar began questioning me.

“What? No,” I quickly answered, sighing as I walked around the rehearsal space. “Sky, I’m just saying that if you don’t communicate with him, he’s going to think you’re never going to be ready to get married.”

“But telling him that we eventually will get married means I said yes, which defeats the purpose of me saying no in the first place,” she debated back to me.

“Sky, I’m just saying to make sure you communicate with Shawn about this,” I repeated, not wanting to get into an argument with her.

“With all due respect,” Skylar began to say. I rolled my eyes as she said it.

“Which means it’s about be disrespectful as hell, but go on,” I responded back. Skylar took a minute to say anything back.

“You’re right, because you’re talking to me as if you’re in this successful marriage or some shit,” Skylar spat back at me. “The last time I checked, you were about to marry a man just because you were carrying his kid–“

“I was in love with Max,” I corrected Skylar, feeling defensive.

“Not enough to stay together once the baby is born,” Skylar fought back. I was getting angry now; Skylar was notorious for bringing up your past when she felt like she was being threatened in any way possible.

“What are you trying to get at, Sky?” I asked, wanting to get Skylar to say what she wants to say. “I’m just simply saying that Shawn is a native, Korean man. He came to Korea with the intention of going back to the States with a fiancee. Korean men don’t string you along for long; they will tell you how they feel and make the moves to quickly–“

“Grace, please,” Skylar began to laugh. “You dated one Korean man, and now you speak for the entire country? You and Jamie wouldn’t have known what a healthy relationship was even if it hit you both in the face; please be for real.” I know Skylar always had an opinion with my relationship with Jamie. She didn’t understand it at the time; many people didn’t. I know half of her harsh comments were made with fear of being so far away from her dad while he’s ill, but half of it came from a place that she thought and kept inside her for so long. That’s what hurts the most.

“I have to go,” I dismissed the conversation. “I have shit to do.”

“Whatever,” Skylar said as she hung up the phone. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. Out of nowhere, I let out the loudest scream I possibly could.

…

I sat at one of the seats in cafe near the theater. I placed my coffee on top of the table and sat down feeling exhausted. Skylar never texted me or called me back, which was understandable. She has always been this stubborn for as long as I’ve known her. It worried me this time though. What if she isolates herself from everyone? What if she goes back to America and completely cuts me out of her life? Skylar was the closest thing to a sister I have, and it would kill me if she lets this get in between us.

“Grace?” I hear someone call out my name. I looked up and saw who it was. Surprisingly, it was Jamie. He stood there in a pair of shorts and a loose gym t-shirt.

“Jamie,” I said as I was trying to take everything in. “Hi.” He stood there awkwardly for a moment; he was clearly uncomfortable.

“How-how are you?” he asked me as he cleared his throat. I couldn’t help but smirk at Jamie. I sometimes wonder how he lasted this long being a lawyer with the worst poker face ever. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said as I adjusted in my seat and sighed. “You really wanna know how I’m doing?” Jamie didn’t say anything; he simply pulled out the seat across from me and sat down, placing his backpack on the ground next to him. I guess so. “Stressed as fuck.”

“Oh,” Jamie reacted. “As fuck.” I looked at Jamie as I almost burst out laughing. Jamie still had an accent whenever he spoke English. He also always did this thing whenever he heard something weird like slang, he had a habit to repeat it without even realizing it. “Sorry, force of habit.” he said.

“It’s cool,” I simply said as I took a sip of my coffee.

“What’s been stressing you out?” Jamie asked. I sighed when he did.

“Well,” I began to say. “I’m choreographing a number for the end of the production and it’s been taking a toll on my body. Now I know why dancers my age retire; their bones don’t do anything but crack.”

“Why are you making the dance so hard for yourself then?” he asked. Jamie always asks questions.

“This dance is special,” I answered, sighing afterwards. “I think this is going to be my last dance in elite.”

“Elite?” Jamie questioned.

“Professional,” I explained. “This production is not for the weak.”

“It’s not,” Jamie agreed. “It is why you got chosen to be a part of it.”

“Thanks,” I simply said as I played with the paper straw on top of my drink. “I’m very grateful to be a part of it, but I think it’s time I shifted my focus on dancing to something else.” Jamie shifted in his seat as he took in what I was telling him. I didn’t understand why or how I was so comfortable to even be telling him something so personal like this. No one else knows this information besides Jamie.

“Are you done dancing completely?” he started to ask before asking the next question. “Are you going back to the law firm?” I didn’t even think about going back to the firm as a possibility…

“I’m not sure what I want to do yet,” I answered truthfully. “While I still have so many more months left being here in Korea, it’s going to eventually end and before I know it I’m back in New York.”

“Don’t think so far into the future,” Jamie suggested. “Focus on what needs to be done right now, and if this dance is your main focus, then let it be.” I sighed and didn’t say anything after that; he wasn’t wrong.

“Yeah,” I simply said as filler. Jamie cleared his throat when things got too quiet again.

“You’re going to Skylar’s place on Monday?” he asked, changing the subject. I scrunched my eyebrows together, not knowing what he was talking about.

“Sky’s place? For what?” I asked.

“Shawn said he and Skylar were hosting a dinner before they depart to America,” Jamie explained. I shook my head and let out a deep breath.

“That’s probably what she wanted to talk to me about,” I mumbled to myself before looking at Jamie. “She didn’t tell me anything about it.” Jamie looked confused and guilty for saying anything about it to me.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie immediately apologized. “I thought you knew and–“

“It’s not your fault,” I stopped Jamie. “The truth is, Sky and I had an argument over the phone and it was pretty heated. So, I don’t think she would want me there for her big departure dinner.”

“You’re her cousin; of course she wants you there,” Jamie reassured. “Don’t let her go back to America mad at you.” I hate that Jamie knew what to say in situations like this because he always knew what to say, even after all these years. I don’t say anything, not because I didn’t have anything to say, but simply because Jamie said everything that needed to be said. I don’t know how or when I’m speaking to Skylar next, but I know I couldn’t let her leave the country without talking things out with her.

“Hey,” Jamie broke the silence. I looked up as he got my attention. “Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day?”

“I just have rehearsal later tonight,” I answered. “Why?” Jamie seemed to squirm in his seat and his face is getting red. Oh, he’s embarrassed.

“If you’re not doing anything until then, I figured maybe we can… hang out together,” Jamie suggested. I was confused and admittedly on-guard. What was his intention? Did he get anemia and forget that we have a horrible history together?

“Us? Hang out?” I said, trying to tell Jamie how I felt about the suggestion without hurting his feelings. Why do I care about his feelings for; God knows? “That’s sweet, but…”

“For Shawn and Skylar’s sake,” Jamie quickly added as he cleared his throat some more. “I, uhm… think things would be better if we learned to get along with each other in their company.” I raised an eyebrow, not fully convinced. “We also have to face the music some day,” he added.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Shawn and Skylar are going to get married,” Jamie stated. Not this discussion again. “And when they do, you already know Shawn is making me his best man and you’re Skylar’s maid of honor.” Jamie smiled as he spoke as if half of him was being serious and the other half was joking around. I couldn’t help but smile at his response. Touche, Mr. Kim.

“Is that right?” I teased back, crossing my arms along my chest. Jamie proudly nodded, playing along.

“It’s only right if we got a long for the sake of our future roles,” Jamie continued teasing, which made me laugh. Jamie had a weird humor that he didn’t need to say much to get his jokes across; but when he did, they always landed. People think Jamie is naturally not a funny guy because of this; I was always able to get his corny, cheesy jokes. Needless to say, he never failed in making me laugh.

“Sure, Mr. Best Man,” I said, getting my stuff together to get ready to leave the cafe. Jamie smiled, grabbing his things from the table to follow. “Where do you want to go?”

“Considering it’s not so hot outside today, and it looks like we’re both dressed in leisurewear,” Jamie mentioned. I looked down at my outfit, forgetting that I was in the dance rehearsal space earlier today. “I was on my way to Taehwagang before stopping here for a quick coffee.”

“Taehwagang?” I asked, not familiar with the area. “Is it far from Ulsan?”

“It’s right outside the city,” Jamie said. “You’ll love it.” Jamie waited until I walked pass him to exit the cafe. He directed us towards his car, walking toward the passenger’s side. Before I was able to open the door, Jamie was already doing it as if it was second nature to him. He never failed to open a door for someone out of politeness. I entered Jamie’s car and watched him walk over the driver’s side. I looked down at my phone and put it on silent; for once I didn’t want to be reached and I simply just wanted to focus on myself for a couple of hours.

Because a couple of hours with your ex-boyfriend in a foreign country where you don’t know your way around and you turn off your phone for some peace and quiet is always a great idea, right?

… Right?

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Things I Wish I Knew About SAD at 24.

November 12, 2024October 23, 2024 liz

When I started therapy at 24, I thought I was healed. I thought I was going to get all of the answers to my questions about the things I was feeling. After speaking to a couple of social workers and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With this new diagnosis, I began to analyze everything that could possibly trigger my social anxiety; I was having anxiety about having anxiety.

In the first couple of months of trying different medications and techniques to help ease my social anxiety, I began to feel like I was nothing but my diagnosis. I began to avoid growing because I thought my anxiety was bigger than me at one point. The minor anxiety turned into having full blown anxiety attacks, and places that I didn’t have an issue going to on my own now became too scary to go to now. The things I once enjoyed became a lot to handle, and all I did was cry a lot. For something that was suppose to help me feel better mentally, I felt like I was only getting worse. It was visible to everyone around me and by the time the year was ending, my sibling had expressed to their own therapist they were worried that I was suicidal. I quietly was.

Even after all of that happening in the first couple of months living with my diagnosis, I had no idea how to manage it in the midst of finding who I was and balancing life as a person in their mid 20s.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I wish I knew these things about my social anxiety disorder when I was 24.

I am not my diagnosis. At 24, I was blaming everything that I did on the fact that I had anxiety, and I didn’t understand why those around me began to feel frustrated with me. I couldn’t understand why the people that loved me would be frustrated at something I had no control over. I remember having conversations with friends that simply would tell me I was now using my anxiety as a crutch. I thought they were being insensitive to my mental health, and I didn’t realize just how much they were right until I began to not introducing myself as “Liz, the girl with an anxiety disorder.” While my anxiety may look different than the next person which the same diagnosis, it does not mean that I am nothing without it. I wish I was aware enough to realize this in the gist of dealing with a new diagnosis; a lot of my younger years wouldn’t have had been wasted trying to find myself with my diagnosis clouding my judgement.

It’s not impossible to be assertive when you have “people-pleasing” tendencies. A big thing I learned about SAD at 24 was that a lot of it was triggered by pleasing those around me. In my relationship at the time, I wanted to appear as this perfect girl that wanted to be shown to others as “the perfect girl”. Academically, I wanted to show my family that I was best at what I did and be the subject of those “my daughter is pursuing her master’s” talks despite me mentally struggling to keep up with the work and with myself. In the middle of wanting to please those around me, I still was able to notice when people crossed the boundaries I have (even when I was too scared to voice them out to others). With each therapy session I had, I was reminded that I needed to be more assertive with those in my life and in situations where I need to stick up for myself. That involved confrontation, which is the worst option for someone dealing with an anxiety disorder. For awhile, it seemed impossible for me to learn assertiveness while being deemed as a “people-pleaser” (and update to 6 years later: I still struggle with it), but as I’ve grown and had experiences that required me to put it in action, I’ve learned that–like everything else in life–there’s always a balance. Yes, I can be considerate of people’s feelings but still hold them accountable when they use me as a scapegoat for their emotions. Yes, I can still be a good person to people but still be selfish with myself if I feel like I’m being disrespected. Yes, confrontation is inevitable but they will also help you learn life lessons you take with you in decades to come.

You cannot control other people and their thoughts, situations, and things that have nothing to do with you. A couple of years ago, I had a hard time learning what was truly in my control and what wasn’t. When things would get bad in my life, I constantly felt the need to control the situation so it the outcome wasn’t as unpredictable as I anticipated. A red flag in anxiety disorders. When relationships weren’t as great and healthy as they use were, I tried to preserve as much of it as possible to the part that it hurt me more holding on than to let them go. It got worse when I found other things to try to control during my weight-loss journey. Although it’s not as bad as it once was, I’ve come to terms that there will be some level of control I need in order to ease my anxiety… even if it causes more anxiety. To be quite honest, I still struggle to regulate my need to control things when I’m in stressful or high-anxiety situations. Cue in another red flag in anxiety disorders: impulsive decisions. At 24, I was unable to accept the fact that I couldn’t control how people reacted in situations or how they perceived me, and it truly doesn’t go away until you get older (or until you realize that other people’s thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with you.)

Be gentle with yourself; it’s never an “end-all” situation. Anxiety will make you feel like you are damned to ever not feel happiness in your life (which is crazy to even deem as true, but I did in my mid 20s). With an anxiety disorder, it is an extremely important to remember to be gentle with yourself. In my 20s, my anxiety constantly made me feel like I was my own worst enemy. I was constantly on this emotional rollercoaster; if I felt happy for too long I always had to question the authenticity of my feelings. I tried to fix everything in my life that I thought was broken even if I was the one that made things worse in the process. For most of my 20s, I had this belief that I was not worthy of being loved because I couldn’t find many reasons to love myself first. My anxiety had made me believe that my mental disorder made me damaged goods. Let’s be real now: mental health almost a decade ago was a topic most people were still scared to talk about due to the stigma behind it. Many of us who had mental issues at the time wasn’t diagnosed until it affected your daily functioning and you were already on a path of self-destruction. I wish when I was at 24 I had a little bit of clarity and understanding on what it meant to deal with a mental disorder and didn’t feed into the belief that having a poor mental health meant you were not capable of feeling or maintaining happiness in my life. I wish at 24, mental health was something that was socially acceptable as it is these days. I’m not saying that mental health is easier to handle these days (sometimes it feels like its the opposite with all the knowledge we have about it now), but it’s definitely something that doesn’t make you feel isolated anymore.

Anxiety in my 30s already feels so different to me than it was in my 20s. Besides having a better understanding and gained a level a self-awareness because of my anxiety, I’ve noticed my conversations shifting to other anxiety-inducing topics that I wasn’t even thinking about in my 20s. These days, I try to view my anxiety as a spicy add-on; while it doesn’t make everything I do hard, it still challenges me to see if I’m going to take on the task or be comfortable and avoiding it. (I’m looking at my partner who made me call for takeout the other night; needlesstosay, I felt good once that phone call was over!)

There’s a ton of things wish I knew about my anxiety when I was younger; sometimes I reflect back and think about all the time I wasted being too engulfed in my anxiety during my 20s. I will probably say this again about my 30s when I finish them in a decade. I don’t dwell on the time lost when I think back; things were meant to happen the way they did and if they didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be where I’m at these days. These have ultimately been the best years of my life because of my experiences, and I wouldn’t trade them in for the world.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #31: Pep, Milo, and the Big Bad News.

November 7, 2024October 11, 2024 liz

Jennifer walks into her house and puts her bag on the ground near the door. The house is quiet for once. She looks around and calls out for her mom, then her younger sister. It wasn’t like the house had opportunity for it to be this quiet with two families living under the same roof.

Shortly after Jennifer enters the house, the front door opens once again; this time, it’s Milo.

Jennifer: Are you just now getting here?

Milo: *out of breath* We had dual major rehearsals.

Jennifer: Yeah, Nicki mentioned that at the pizza shop today.

Milo: I should’ve wrote you on AIM, but time just flew by.

Jennifer didn’t say anything else, she simply sighed.

Jennifer: Well, my mom and sister aren’t home yet; I guess she went to get Maryette at school or something.

Milo nods his head. Jennifer looks at Milo before changing the subject.

Jennifer: Remember that girl that came to our show that one time? She’s in your band class with Nicki or something?

Milo takes a moment to think.

Milo: What about her?

Jennifer: She came to the pizza shop; she said you put her on to the place.

Milo: *nonchalant* I recommended the place to her.

Jennifer: *stoic* Cool.

Milo: What are you trying to say?

Jennifer: Nothing; nothing at all…

Jennifer teases Milo; he catches on quickly.

Milo: What?!

Jennifer: Nothing! It just looks like this girl has a thing for you or something…

Milo’s face begins to turn red; he clears his throat before speaking.

Milo: Gwen is just some girl I work with in my band class. We’re in the strings section so I have to work with her with our music. And she’s also Nicki’s friend; it’s not like she only sees me as one.

Jennifer: *laughs* You don’t have to explain anything to me! The more you explain, the more guilty you seem…

Milo: I’m just making sure you know what the deal is.

Jennifer: *teases* I’m just saying, it’s not every day that a girl shows you interest.

Milo: *offended* What is that supposed to mean?!

Jennifer laughs at the banter. Afterwards, both teens turn to the front door when the lock is heard being opened. Jennifer’s mom and her boyfriend walk in; Jennifer’s expression changes.

Lydia: You guys are home early.

Jennifer: Nicki had cello practice…

Jennifer grabs her bookbag from the floor and walks past the adults. Milo, feeling uncomfortable, follows Jennifer upstairs. Once they get to Jennifer’s room, they drop their bags on the ground near her door.

Milo: You’re alright, Pep?

Jennifer: *annoyed* I’m fine, just wish there was a day where my mom isn’t with him…

Milo watches Jennifer pace around her room, doing things that don’t make much sense. He knows she’s just trying to keep her mind busy.

Milo: Pep?

Jennifer: *annoyed* What?

Milo: You just put your jacket in your trash can…

Jennifer looks down at the can in front of her; she indeed did toss her jacket into her trash. She sighs loudly, taking it out from the can and tossing it on her bed. Milo watches her.

Milo: I can’t speak for you, but I thought you would’ve been used to seeing your mom and dad together—

Jennifer: You’re right… you can’t speak for me because you don’t know how I feel.

Milo: I never said I did; I’m saying that they’ve been together for some time now—

Jennifer: *interrupts* Like I said, you can’t speak for me because you don’t know how I feel. Let’s just leave it at that.

The two teens go silent before starting their homework.

…

Jennifer, Milo, and Jennifer’s family sit at the kitchen table in silence. Milo is uncomfortable; he constantly looks at Jennifer to see if she’s okay. She’s not. Maryette is the one to break the ice.

Maryette: So me and Niko decided to try out for the flag football team at school. They thought Niko was a girl and I was the dude! I guess I play better than most guys on the team or something!

Lydia: *smiles* That’s great, honey! When do you find out if you made the team or not?

Maryette: Sometime next week I think. It’ll be cool if we actually got on the team together, then we’d get to go to all the away games together and hang out.

Lydia cocks an eyebrow as she eats. Jennifer looks at her sister before finally speaking.

Jennifer: More opportunities to kiss on the bus to those games–

Maryette: *defensive* That’s not true! Me and Niko are friends!

Jennifer laughs; Milo can’t help but smile.

Maryette: Just because you kiss Nate to your performances doesn’t mean everyone else does that!

Milo looks at Jennifer, unaware of this information.

Jennifer: *defensive* Shut up!

Maryette: Make me!

Jennifer: You don’t even know what you’re talking about, dumbass–

Maryette: I know you stalk his MySpace page!

Lydia: That’s enough!

Jennifer and Maryette stop talking; Milo is still shocked from the revelation. He looks at Jennifer; this time she looks at him and rolls his eyes. Lydia turns her head towards Justin.

Lydia: *to Justin* I’m sorry about this.

Justin: It’s okay, Lyd. Sisters are going to be sisters.

Jennifer looks at Justin and rolls her eyes. He notices.

Justin: *to Jennifer* Are you okay, Pep?

Jennifer: It’s Jennifer, or has it been so long that you forgot the name of your first born child?

Lydia: *stern* Jennifer Ann Castro!

Justin: *to Lydia* It’s okay. *turns back to Jennifer* I didn’t forget; I remember I picked the name ‘Jennifer’ after the character in Back to the Future. It was the movie your mom and I saw on our first date. She knew it was one of my favorite movies growing up so she rented the VHS at Blockbuster and brought it to watch it.

Justin smiles at Lydia; she’s smitten as well. Jennifer, on the other hand, is not having it.

Justin: Maryette was named after my grandmother, Maria Lizette.

Justin touches Lydia’s stomach, smiling as he rubs his thumb over her sweater. Lydia puts her hand on top of his. Milo observes; confused as to what is happening. Jennifer doesn’t look up from her plate to catch on. Lydia clears her throat before she starts to speak again.

Lydia: We wanted to talk to you girls about something important.

Maryette: What is it?

Lydia and Justin look at each other before looking back at the girls again. Milo begins to feel uncomfortable.

Lydia: As you both know, your father and I have been dating for quite some time. I know this hasn’t been easy for you two to adjust, but your father and I love each other very much and are happy to have found each other again to rekindle our relationship.

Jennifer wears a disgusted expression on her face; it doesn’t change as her mother speaks.

Justin: I’m hoping that I can have the chance to get to know you two better individually; perhaps during the summer break we can plan some fun activities and–

Jennifer: Why?

The table looks over at Jennifer, including Milo.

Justin: ‘Why?’

Jennifer: Yeah. Why all of a sudden do you want to get to know me and Mars better? I mean, shouldn’t you already know your own kids?

Lydia: Pep, please–

Justin: Jennifer, me going away 10 years–

Jennifer: *corrects* 11 years.

Justin: –11 years ago wasn’t because I didn’t love you or your sister–

Jennifer: *scoffs* Mars doesn’t even remember you! How is she supposed to know that her dad loved her when he left her as a baby?

Lydia: Jennifer!

Justin: *stern* It’s not as black and white as you think it is, Pep–

Jennifer: *annoyed* It’s Jennifer!

Justin looks over to Lydia as she lets out a deep breath; she looks a little queasy.

Maryette: Mom, are you okay?

Lydia: I’m fine, sweetie. *sighs* Girls, I know change can be scary and unpredictable. I know it’s been just the three of us for a long time, but trust me when I say that whether your father and I are together or not, the way we love you will never change.

Justin takes Lydia’s hand and holds it; his thumb rubbing the top of her knuckles. She takes another deep breath before looking at the girls. Milo’s eyes are glued on Jennifer, wishing he could comfort her the way Justin is comforting Lydia.

Lydia: *to Justin* I think that the five of us will be just fine in the end.

Milo scrunches his eyebrows; he immediately looks around the table. The girls seem confused as well.

Maryette: Five?

Jennifer: *worried* Five?

Lydia and Justin look at the girls.

Lydia: *smiles* We’re having a baby.

Milo’s eyes widen; he turns his head to look at Jennifer. Jennifer is devastated.

Jennifer: You’re what?!

Lydia: Pep–

Jennifer shoots up from her seat, furious.

Jennifer: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Lydia: *stern* Language–

Justin: Jennifer, just hear us out–

Jennifer: *to Lydia* How could you?! How could you allow this man to come back into our lives to complicate and ruin them! How could you do this without even talking to me and Mars about how we feel!

Lydia: Pep, please calm down–

Jennifer: *louder* And now you’re bringing another baby into this world with him?!

Justin: Jennifer–

Jennifer: *to Justin* Shut up! I don’t have to listen to anything you have to say! You are nothing but a deadbeat dad!

Lydia: *shouts* Jennifer Ann, that is enough!

Jennifer looks at the table; she quickly turns around and runs out of the kitchen. Milo gets up from his seat, running after Jennifer.

Before Jennifer can slam her door shut, Milo stops it from closing. He walks into the room as Jennifer begins to hyperventilate.

Milo: Pep–

Milo walks to Jennifer and puts his hands on her shoulders; she has a hard time taking steady breaths.

Milo: Pep; breathe.

Jennifer looks at Milo as she fights each breath. Milo breathes with her, helping her steady her breath. Once she does, she begins to cry.

Jennifer: Milo–

Milo pulls Jennifer in for a hug as she weeps in his shoulder.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Beau Band Battle: A Mollie Monologue.

November 5, 2024October 16, 2024 liz

I entered the code to enter the building, as I always do whenever I have band practice. Typically, I come to practice with Aaron; it’s only when I have other shit to do before that I come here by myself. Today was one of those days.

I opened the hatch to the rehearsal space and walked in; Aaron and the guys were tuning their instruments and chatting before starting the practice. Aaron smiled as I walked in; he left his guitar next to his stuff and walked over to me. Of course, in true boy fashion, the guys teased him for showing any type of affection toward me and in true Aaron fashion; he didn’t care how affectionate he was.

“Hey, babe,” Aaron smiled as he greeted me. He gently kissed me on the forehead before walking me to the center of the room. He only kissed me on the forehead like that when he knew I was having a rough day, week, month; life. The night that I walked out of Milo’s place, I turned off my phone so that Milo wouldn’t try calling me or texting me. I was done having any contact with him and at this point fighting with him made me mentally ill. “You’re feeling alright?”

“Yeah,” I said as I sighed. “I’m just a little tired; I had to learn the new routine for my sister’s showcase.”

“We could’ve rescheduled,” Aaron insisted, stopping me in my tracks. “I don’t want you to overwork yourself.” It was sweet to have Aaron consider just how much pressure I put on myself when it comes to my extracurricular activities. I never really had anyone in my life tell me to slow down; I feel like no one in my life even knows what that looks like. I smiled at him, thankful for the concern.

“Too late,” I smiled as I joked. “I’m fine. Doing these things help distract me from all of the other shit going on in my life.” Aaron doesn’t protest this time; he walks me over to the microphone stand before walking back to his space.

“Alright,” Xavier, our drummer, began to say. “We have a week before we perform these songs at the Bueno Flamingo and there are some places that Dean said needed to be tweaked.” I nodded my head as I listened.

“Dean mentioned that ‘Stop that Feeling’ needed to be revamped some more. I don’t know how much we can redo since–“

“We got it,” Aaron interrupted the band’s bassist, Jordan. “With our sound, we could make it a little more hard rock and powerful with Mol’s vocals.” The guys all looked over at me as if they were waiting for me to confirm.

“You need me to sing higher notes?” I asked, a little nervous that’s where the conversation was heading. Aaron walked over to me before he answered. That means yes, Mollie.

“We were thinking about adding runs to the end of the chorus,” Aaron mentioned. I cocked up an eyebrow, annoyed that these executive decisions about my role in the band were not being made with me.

“Runs?” I repeated. “So, you want me to not only hit that high note at the bridge, but now you want me to do a run at the chorus as well?” It wasn’t that I couldn’t hit these notes; that’s the easy part. It was the fact that the band always thought that I’d do whatever they say for these songs.

“Babe,” Aaron whispered as he pulled me to the side. “I know I should’ve mentioned this before, but we need to impress these producers at this show and—“

“No, no; it’s fine,” I said to Aaron, sighing as I did. “I just wish you guys would tell me beforehand and not in the middle of rehearsal.”

“We normally wouldn’t make a change like this so last minute,” Aaron began to explain. “Dean literally just told us a couple of hours ago about this change.”

“It’s cool, Aaron,” I emphasized once more. I turned around and adjusted the microphone to my height. Nothing else was said; we all went to our positions and began the rehearsal. The song was pretty; it was a modern take on a 1980’s feeling song. Sure, it was ancient, but vintage. With the modern rock twist, I think the two genres really mesh well together.

As I sang, I watched Aaron through the mirrored wall in the studio. He was looking back at me, but he wasn’t smiling like he normally would. Did I hurt his feelings telling him I felt annoyed about the secret decision with the chorus run? Was he upset I had said something in front of the band? I know Aaron had a lot of things going on in his life; I can only imagine how difficult it is to juggle two majors and a band on the side. He also has to juggle having me as a girlfriend–

“Mols,” Aaron called out and stopped the song. I turned around to look at him, unsure why he stopped in the first place. “You’re missing that note.”

“What note?” I asked, confused. “The note is B flat; not sharp.”

“The note sounds too technical,” Aaron argued. “The song is about feeling free of a toxic relationship in your life. That note needs to have some life behind it.”

“The note will lose the cacophony,” I explained, annoyed to be called out like this. “It needs to be technical for it to sound right.”

“I should know how the note should sound like,” he spat back, scoffing to the other guys. The person Aaron turns into when it’s band practice is always stern, but supportive. Today I’m not sure what his problem is, and I didn’t like that he was acting like a typical teenage boy around the guys.

“I’m the one passing vocal class though,” I mumbled to myself but loud enough for the others to hear. Aaron’s eyebrows scrunched on his face; he clearly did not like the reaction the other guys had when I said that.

“Dude,” Xavier said to Aaron as he tried to contain his laughter.

“Ignore her; she’s just being a typical bratty diva vocalist,” Aaron dismissed as he tuned the strings on his guitar. I immediately ran out of the rehearsal room, feeling embarrassed. Before I was able to get the elevator down, I hear Aaron call out my name.

“Mollie!” Aaron shouted down the hallway with his bags packed for the day. I turned around in his direction feeling the knot in my stomach tighten the closer he got to me. He finally got to where I was standing and didn’t take his eyes off of me. The way he was calm was a bit scary. He handed me my bookbag. I looked down at it before taking it from Aaron. His eyes are still on me, and I can’t help but look back at him. Fuck.

“You left your bag,” Aaron simply said. I yanked it from his hand and didn’t say anything else. Aaron sighed as his face soften. “Mollie, I’m sorry for calling you out your name.”

“Aaron, I–” I began to say, but I know he didn’t want to hear anything that I had to say.

“I didn’t have to retaliate and stoop to your level,” Aaron said nonchalantly.

“I didn’t mean to say–“

“But you did, Mollie,” Aaron interrupted once again. “And you said it just because I was giving you a correction on a note from a song that I wrote.”

“A correction that isn’t necessary though,” I fought back. Aaron rolled his eyes and loudly sighed.

“Just so we’re on the same page Mollie; just because I’m not always sure about the music in vocal class, it doesn’t mean I don’t know the music for my band.” Aaron emphasized. At that point, I felt shitty and just wanted to go home and leave. The elevator doors finally open and I turned around to walk into them. Aaron hates me, and he’s gonna break up with me and–

As soon as I turned around to let the doors close, Aaron walks inside the elevator and grabs my face with his palms. It immediately takes me off-guard and tense.

“Relax,” Aaron calmy said. “I don’t hate you. I’m not going to break up with you. I’m was upset that you would use our grades in vocal against me when you felt defensive. I shouldn’t had said anything else to make matters worse.” I looked at Aaron as he spoke. Band practice was getting intense for all of us; mainly because our big show is coming up and this could be big for the band’s exposure. I know how much this means to Aaron; it’s sometimes all he talks about when we’ve spoke about everything under the sun. This means so much for him, and for him to want me to be a part of this dream with him is… something nobody has ever truly done with me.

“I’m sorry,” I said in Aaron’s hands, nearly starting to cry. I wasn’t used to someone forgiving me so quickly like this. I wasn’t used to someone literally taking my shit and having them reassure me that everything was alright between us. It’s like he knows I have such a hard time holding back my tongue whenever I get defensive. “I really didn’t mean it; I was just frustrated already when the note change and–“

“It’s okay,” Aaron stopped me before I spiraled back down. “And I’m sorry that I put you on blast today with the change. I sometimes forget that even the best vocalists need a heads up in note changes.” I rolled my eyes, glad that Aaron still was able to tease me a bit. He gently kissed me on the forehead as the elevator went down. I looked up at him before getting off on the main floor.

“Aaron?” I said as the elevator stopped on our floor. He turned around, now facing me. I wanted to ask him so many questions that I couldn’t understand. Why did this feel too good to be true? Why isn’t he mad at me? Why couldn’t I stay mad at him?

“What’s up?” he answered back. I smiled at him as I walked out of the elevator. Don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken, Mol.

“Nothing,” I smiled as I said, walking out of the space with him.

Author: liz

Day 3: Top 5 Albums of 2024!