It felt great walking into my mom’s apartment and feel the cool air from the air conditioner hit my face when opening the front door. My once tamed, curly bob is now up in a sweaty, tangled bun with strands too small falling out from the back. I placed my bag on the rack behind the door, letting out a deep breath.
“Mom, I’m home,” I shouted into the empty house. I walked into the kitchen and to my surprise, she wasn’t there. She didn’t tell me she was going to be out today. I grabbed a water from the fridge before I heard someone coming down the stairs. Not to my surprise, it’s Mars; my younger sister.
“Hey, Peppie,” Mars greeted, walking to he fridge to most likely find something to eat. Mars, short for Maryette, is currently home for the summer, and just wrapped up her junior year of college. Whenever she comes back home, she constantly is looking for something to eat. She closes the fridge after taking out a popsicle from the freezer. “I wasn’t expecting you to be home so soon.”
“Why; is Dennis secretly upstairs in your room?” I teased, sitting at the kitchen table. Mars rolled her eyes, sitting on the countertop across the table. “You know Mom doesn’t like when you sit on the counter like that.”
“Good thing she’s not home,” Mars commented, eating the popsicle. “She’s out with her boyfriend. You’ve met Alex, right?”
“I have… when he was with mom at the airport picking me up,” I added, remembering that odd introduction to my mother’s love life. Apparently, she was busy while I was in North Carolina last year. “Is Mollie upstairs?”
“Aunt Katie took her for the day to go to the beach with Jonah and them.” I nodded my head, looking around the small kitchen. “I thought you were hanging out with Milo today.”
“I was.”
“This is the quickest that you’ve come back home; do all people become old and boring once they get old?” Mars commented.
“I’m 25; not 45,” I began to say. “Plus, Milo and I aren’t… as close as we were. You weren’t home when we got into that huge fight.”
Mars’ eyes widened. “Wait, what?”
“Milo and I just started to talk when I came back here. For a year, we were no contact. We said some pretty fucked up shit about each other’s relationships and… yeah.”
“Yeah no; mom told me that much, I’m just surprised that you guys wouldn’t have spent more time with each other.” I looked at Mars, knowing exactly what she was trying to insinuate. “I heard he’s single–“
“Mars,” I reacted, holding the bridge of my nose. “How would you even know that?”
“I’m caught up on more drama than you think I am,” Mars began to explain. “Plus, there’s been days I had to come and pick Mollie up from Milo’s place and saw no trace of his stuck-up girlfriend there.” Mars was your typical little sister; she annoyed the hell out of you like a little sister, and tried to protect you like you’re the little sister. Needless to say, she didn’t like Marielle, Milo’s ex, that much when they were dating.
“Milo and I are just friends,” I said, drinking what was left in my water bottle. I walked to throw it out, passing Mars on the countertop. “We can’t master the art of being “off-and-on” the way you and Dennis are.”
“What can I say? I enjoy my independence–“
“Yet you’re always a baby whenever he’s around,” I teased. It was weird for me to talk about relationship stuff with Mars only because her idea of a relationship in her 20s is very different than what mine was. Dennis will probably be the man that Mars ends up marrying, that’s if she ever gets out of that young mindset and notices just how fast time is going. In the same breath, we all thought I was going to end up married with Cullen in NC, but I guess god has other plans for the Castro women.
“Enough about me and Dennis; when are you going to get out there and date again?” I turned around to face Mars, utterly surprised at her.
“Mars, I just got back to New York. There’s so much I want to do that doesn’t involve random dating–“
“Like what? Your clock is ticking, Peppie.” Mars implied. “You’ll be 30 in like, 5 years. You do not have the time you think you have left.” I was done talking to Mars and began to walk towards the stairs toward my room. Mars followed behind me. “I’m just saying Pep, when are you going to finally admit to yourself that you’ve been in love with Milo all this time?”
I stopped at the middle of the stairs, shutting my eyes shut before I turned around.
“I don’t know where you got that ridiculous assumption from.”
“I got it from you; remember your drunken escapade you were on when you came to visit me in Chicago at my college?” Mars reminded me. I surprisingly remember that night, going to all of the local bars full of college students thinking I could party the sadness away.
“Peppie?” Mars answered the door of her college apartment. “The hell are you doing in Chicago?”
“Baby sis!” I said out loud, hugging Mars tightly. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re in college!” I slurred my words as Mars guided me to her sofa. Dennis was across the room from me, in which I waved hi to.
“Where’s Cullen?” Mars asked. I looked at her, not realizing that no one, not even my own family, knew of Cullen’s passing. The smile on my face vanished, feeling the tears form on my face.
“He’s not here,” I answered, not realizing Mars took that in another direction. “I’m doing some traveling and thought I’d come see you.” I could see the confusion on her face, looking at Dennis for some help with this situation.
…
“Dennis ran out to get some things to sober you up,” Mars said, handing me a glass of ice water and a bag of Skittles. “He swears Pedialyte will do the job, but he clearly never heard of the Mars Method to sobering up.” I just let her ramble, not adding a word to the conversation. She looked at me with concerned eyes. “What’s going on, Peppie?”
“Nothing,” I quickly dismissed, looking down at my phone. “Just thought I could hang with the young college kids.” I hoped the joke would trigger something in Mars to make some sort of clapback, easing the tension in the room. She doesn’t.
“Mom said you haven’t called her in months. That’s not like you; to just fall off the face of the earth and not let your family and friends know—”
“Cullen died two months ago.” I finally said out loud. “His illness got to him and… yeah.” I finally looked at Mars with teary eyes. “After his funeral, I packed my things and I’ve been traveling ever since.”
“Oh my god,” She began to say. “Peppie, I’m so sorry. What didn’t you tell us sooner?”
“It was bound to happen,” I said, feeling numb. “He was getting sicker as the weeks went and mom was going through the divorce with dad, and with Mollie in the middle of all of this I just didn’t want to add on to the worries.”
“Your fiancé, aka the man you were going to marry, passed away. That’s a huge fucking deal—”
“It was more complicated than what it looks like,” I interrupted Mars, replaying the last moments I remember with Cullen. Despite looking like the perfect couple, we were far from it.
“Does Milo know?”
“Milo?” His name felt foreign in my mouth.
“He has to know you’re here—” Mars went and reached for her phone, presumably to dial Milo’s number. I snatched the phone away from her, which leaves Mars confused. “What are you—”
“Milo doesn’t know,” I spat out, putting her phone on the coffee table. “We aren’t friends anymore.” I scoffed, thinking about the last moments I had with Milo. “Selfish son of a—”
“What?! Peppie, what the hell is going on?” Mars demanded answers. At that point, the alcohol was deep in my system, and I was growing angrier at the situation regarding Milo.
“Fuck him,” I spat out. “He chose someone else besides me again. He placed someone else above me, again. I’m so sick of feeling like shit–“
“That his girlfriend though,” Mars mentioned. “Just how you would put Cullen above everything else–“
“I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to!” I spat out.
“What are you even talking about–“
“I miss him,” I finally broke down. I heaved in my little sister’s shoulder. She rubbed little circles on my back, trying to calm me down.
“I know you miss Cullen–“
“No,” I began to say through tears. “I miss Milo.”
…
It felt horrible having to have my little sister take care of me because I couldn’t. “I told you I was going to keep your secret, but I still have permission to bring it up every single time you try to fight this thing you have with Milo.”
“It’s one sided and it’s not a ‘thing’,” I debated back. “Milo and I just got back being on good terms. We’re pretending we don’t know a thing about each other.”
“Peppie…” Mars deadpanned, not convinced at all. “You can’t just pretend 20 years of your friendship with Milo never happened.”
“I can, and we are,” I concluded the discussion, leaving Mars to roam in her own delusional thoughts. I closed the door of my temporary bedroom; the room that my mom left as it was when I left a year ago. It was more of a time capsule of what my life was like before everything spiraled out of control. I was merely sleeping in someone else’s room for the time being.
I thought my life was going to be different. I thought I was going to break this eldest daughter cycle; the one where I finally live for myself and not for the people I loved. How do I even do that? I lived for a person I loved for a year and got nothing out of it besides heartbreak.
I walked to my old desk, one covered in various dance metals and photos on my bulletin board. I noticed I left the one of Cullen and I from New Years Eve; the night he proposed to me.
I immediately took it down, shoving it in the same drawer I shoved all of my memories in, including the ones I have of Milo and I.
Letters From Liz. 