I lost count on how many cups of coffee I had today, but Grace reminded me just how shaky my hands have become throughout the duration of our busy morning.
“Jamie,” Grace sighed as she said my name. “You are not allowed to make yourself another coffee. You’re not about to have me up all night because you can’t sleep.”
“I’m sorry, jagiya,” I said, watching Grace open the fridge and hand me a water bottle. “I’m just feeling a little nervous having my family in America all together for the first time.” My relationship with my family shifted once I made the decision to live in New York. They weren’t thrilled that I was adamant about starting my life over in a foreign country with a girl they’ve met once. Surely as time passed, we were all able to let it go, especially after telling them the news about agi.
“What time are they landing?” Grace asked.
“Their flight says arrival is 6:15pm,” I answered, looking at the information on my phone. “We should probably make it to JFK an hour before.”
“Ya,” Grace said, walking over to me and brushed my hair away from my face. “You know everything is going to be fine, right?”
“I know, but you never know with my family,” I said, letting out an anxious breath. “My family is super traditional, and trying to explain our relationship to them is nearly impossible for them to understand.”
“They don’t have to understand it, they just need to accept it,” Grace replied sternly, trying to prove her point. Grace was never the “cookie-cutter” type of comforter, and will tell you exactly how she feels about something.
She sighed, walking up to me and placed her hand on my cheek. “I mean that in the nicest way possible, babe. I don’t want her to grow up not knowing her entire family.” The past couple of weeks since we found out agi was a girl, Grace has been determined to give our daughter a life she didn’t get to have growing up. She missed out on knowing her mother’s side of the family, and I can only imagine she feels anxious that agi won’t know my side.
“She will.” I wrapped my arms around her, taking her in for a hug. Maybe Grace was right. Maybe I didn’t have anything to worry about, and it was all in my head. But I can’t help but wonder, what if I’m right? What if my family is upset at me still for moving to America? Is there anything that will change their mind about things?
…
“We’re so happy to see you!” My mom immediately walks to Grace for a hug. Even Grace was shocked at the gesture. She returns the hug, putting on a smile. My mom let Grace go to look at Grace’s belly. “How are you feeling?” I watch the interaction happen, feeling like I’m currently in the twilight zone. My mom and grace were actually having a conversation in Korean in our New York apartment.
“Eomma couldn’t stop talking about coming here,” my sister, Lia, said to me. I looked over at Mina, coming into the door with my mother’s bags.
“Jaemin,” Mina called out. I went to the front door, helping her with the bags. She smiled at me once she got situated. “Hi, baby brother!”
“Hi, nonna,” I said, giving her a hug. “I’m glad you and Lia could make it.”
“Of course we were coming,” Mina stated. “We have to come visit before our niece comes!” Lia and Mina walked over to Grace, giving her hugs. It made me smile seeing my family like Grace, considering this wasn’t the attitude they had a year and a half ago. Maybe I was overreacting over nothing—
Or maybe I just knew there was always some hidden conversation waiting to happen.
“Grace, this is delicious,” Mina said, wiping her face with her napkin.
“Actually, Jamie did all of the cooking,” she mentioned. In the corner of my eyes, I saw my mother’s expression change as she ate. “I was just moral support.” Grace started to laugh, but my family looked more confused. Grace clears her throat and wipes her mouth. “Let me take those dishes from you—”
“Ani,” my mother shook her head, stopping Grace. “You will not lift a finger in your condition. Jaemin,” she calls for me. “Help me with the dishes.”
“Eomma, we’ll do it—“ my sisters volunteered, but my mother protested.
“Jaemin will help me,” my mom smiled in my direction, prompting me to get up from my seat.
“I’ll be back, jagiya,” I said to Grace as I kissed the top of her head. I took the plates from the other women at the table, while my mother insisted she take the garnish dishes back to the kitchen.
“So, Jaemin,” my mom said as she cleaned the dishes. I insisted we use the dishwasher, but like my mom, she immediately protested. “How far along is Grace?”
“A little over 6 months now,” I answered, drying the wet dishes with a cloth. My mom gasped in awe.
“Ya, Jaemin,” my mom reacted. “Are there any plans of a marriage soon?” Here we go; the conversation I knew I was going to have with my mother. “The baby will be here before you know it—”
“Eomma,” I sighed. “Grace and I have other things to focus on right now.”
“And you think once you bring a baby into this world, you guys will have time to think about marriage? A newborn baby consumes your life, Jaemin.”
“And you think rushing a marriage is the conventional thing to do?” I asked. I mom scolded me for talking to her in such tone.
“You both should’ve got married before you two decided to have a baby,” my mom nonchalantly expressed. “Your father would’ve wanted you to be married before having a child.” I hated when my mom’s guilt card was mentioning my father. There was a lot that my father wanted me to do instead of the things I’ve done, constantly showing that I was never interested in living my life the way he wanted me to. In the same breath, he would’ve wanted me to find my way of life in the best way I knew possible.
“Wouldn’t appa be happy that I am starting a family though?” I questioned. My mom side-eyed me, continuing to wash the dishes. “That I am carrying the Kim family name?”
“With a woman that is not your wife—”
“She will be,” I spat back, revealing something I wouldn’t have in front of my mother. “We are both aren’t ready yet.”
“I really do like Grace,” my mom started to say. “I do believe she’s a great woman, but I do not like the fact that you’ve thrown all of your culture away to fit into this American one. My son would’ve stayed in Korea and settled down with a woman that had the same values as you. My son would’ve been married with children already. My son would instill his culture into his family, to carry out our family traditions for generations to come.”
“But that was never your son.” I emphasized, looking directly at my mother. “Your son wanted more outside of Korea. Your son wanted to make a name for himself professionally. Your son always knew that he would live a life that wasn’t conventional. Your son fell in love and found home with a woman in New York.” I slightly open the covering of the island, showing my mom Grace and my sisters laughing together on the couch. “All she wants is for our baby to know all of her family.” My mom looked out at her daughters, looking at them talking to each other comfortably. Even seeing Grace let go of the misconceptions she had about herself and my family for the sake or our daughter, there wasn’t any doubt that Grace will be my wife someday.
My mom turns around and sighs, looking up at me. She places her hand on my cheek, smiling at me. “Something you and your father had in common was your stubbornness.” I smiled as my mom laughed. “And the way his heart was always in the right place for the ones he loved.” Shortly after, Grace walked into the kitchen, carrying some glasses from the dinner table.
“Ah, jagiya,” I said as I walked toward grace, grabbing the glasses from her. “We were going to come back for the other things.”
“She’s ready for some dessert though,” Grace said, rubbing her belly. My mom walked to Grace with a smile, placing a hand on Grace’s belly.
“Eomma,” I said, feeling slightly embarrassed. Grace didn’t seem to mind it, smiling as my mom shushed me.
“Halmeoni is excited to meet you,” my mom said to agi, looking up at Grace and smiled.
…
Later that night, Grace and I lie in bed together. Grace was watching her weekly reality TV show, while I worked on some paperwork for my next lecture. I looked over at her, laughing at the drama happening on the reality show, relaxing in her element. I don’t know why all of a sudden I think about my father and wonder if he would be happy for me. All he ever wanted for his son was to live a happy life, whatever that looked like for me. He always knew I would be different than his daughters, and he knew that once he left this world all those years ago, he left his legacy in my hands. A part of him lives on through me. I grew up watching my parents smitten for each other. My father would look at my mom with such loving eyes, something I took for granted when he was alive, but vividly remember as I now look at Grace that way.
“Oh,” Grace said out loud, as if she remembered something. “Mina and Lia and your mom are going to go to a Broadway show this weekend!” She reaches over her nightstand, taking out the tickets. “I was going to surprise your mom at her birthday dinner tomorrow night.”
“When did you get those?” I said, genuinely curious.
“Not too long ago,” Grace answered. “My aunt Mars is one of the actresses in The Lion King and was able to give me a deal for the matinee show this Saturday. I tried to get tickets for a different time, but this was the only one she could get.” I smile at Grace, reassuring her that she didn’t need to feel bad for going the same time as my next lecture.
“My family will love it,” I said, kissing Grace on the forehead. “Thank you for accepting my family, jagiya.”
“I kinda have to,” Grace teased, laughing after she rubbed her belly. “But, I know what you meant. Her show starts back up, and Grace immediately glued her eyes back to the screen.
My father gave me the “love” conversation once in my life. I was now an adult, and he sat me down over coffee at a shop near the firm I used to work at in Korea.
“You will know when the time is right,” he said, sipping his coffee. “When you feel like the pieces are falling in place, fitting to create an overall picture.”
“Appa, I don’t know,” I said nervously. “In this line of work, it’s hard to have the time needed to settle down…I barely even see Seohyun these days because of school…”
“I’m not saying you have to figure it out now,” he emphasized. “I’m just letting you know, for your future self when they are ready to hit that milestone in life.”
“Ya,” I dismissed, never realizing that would be one of the last times we ever spoke about the future.
I looked at Grace, eating her current craving of Cool Ranch Doritos while watching TV. She looked over at me. “What?” She asked. I smiled, putting my hand in her family size bag of chips.
“Nothing,” I said, grabbing a handful of chips from Grace. “Are they really leaving the villa tonight?” Grace turned her head, about to explode in reality show gossip with me. These were the right times that my father spoke about.
Letters From Liz. 