American families looked too perfect when they were depicted in movies and TV shows. Growing up, they were fascinating to watch because it was so different, and I wonder if that same curiosity about Korean culture carries over here in the states.
Grace was always very interested in learning about my family in Korea. She had mentioned that families outside of America seemed to be closer and more strict with their traditions; something she noted as being the complete opposite of her family. Grace grew up as an only child, and was raised by one parent; her father. Her mother left when she was just a baby, and Grace has expressed just how difficult it was growing up without her mother guiding her through it. She thinks it’s the reason why she is now 32 and not married, still living in a small apartment meant for single, young adults. I remind her that if things didn’t happen the way they did, we would’ve never met each other, and at this point I don’t remember a life where Grace wasn’t a part of.
“Jamie,” I heard Grace calling me from the bathroom. I shut my eyes for a brief moment, knowing that today was going to be one of those days that Grace wasn’t feeling good.
I walked to the bathroom to find her sitting on the bathroom floor in her bathrobe. She leaned her head back on the tile, looking up at my direction. “Jagiya,” I said as I sat next to her on the floor. I grabbed the towel from the hanging rack, wiping the sweat on Grace’s face. “Are you okay?”
“I feel like shit,” Grace bluntly said. “How the hell am I going to make it to the family reunion?”
“You’re not feeling good,” I began to say. “Surely, they’ll understand.”
“I can’t be locked up in this bathroom forever, Jamie.”
“Not forever; just for another couple of months,” I said, trying to ease the intension. Grace was not having it.
“I’m serious,” Grace pleaded. “This is important to me.” I listened to Grace, placing my hand on top of hers and rubbed her knuckles. I found out how much that simple gesture calms Grace down. “I feel like I can finally connect with my mother’s side of the family.” I knew how important this was to Grace, especially in this time where she is working on introducing her growing family to them.
“Let’s first get you off the bathroom floor,” I said, getting up. Grace put her hands up for me to grab them as she slowly got off from the ground. She held her lower back as she winced in pain. I held her hand and slowly guided her outside of the bathroom, and eventually sat her down on the couch. I ran into the bedroom, watching Grace’s head follow my every move.
“Babe, what are you—”
I walked back out with a bunch of hangers, placing them on the chair next to me. I smiled at Grace as she looked at me. She sat with her hands folded on top of her belly. “Jamie.”
“Here we have some favorites from the misses closet,” I began to say, picking up a top and a bottom to show Grace. She shakes her head no, which prompts me to the next outfit. “A beautiful piece that Sky got you?” Grace deadpanned, which I knew was an immediate no. “Okay… how about…” I look through a couple of more options until I see a black turtleneck with a red dress. I held them up to show Grace, hoping she’ll like this duo. She took a while to think about it, but ultimately nodded her head yes. I smiled, putting the outfit on top of the couch.
“You’re going to look so beautiful,” I shouted from the bedroom, placing Grace’s clothes back in her closet. To my surprise, I turned around and she was standing right behind me, smiling.
“Thank you for helping me,” Grace gently said as she wrapped her arms around me. I wrapped mine around her body, feeling agi press against my abdomen. “I don’t know how you put up with me; seriously.”
“I do it because I love you, silly,” I said, kissing the top of her head; her red, curly hair pointing in every direction. “And I know this pregnancy has been extra hard on you.”
“I don’t know what it is,” Grace said as she let go of me, stretching her back. “I don’t remember my pregnancy with Willow being as cruel as this one. By month 5, I was still working on my intern law case.” I couldn’t help but kneel down in front of Grace’s belly, talking directly at it.
“Ya, agi,” I pointed my finger at her belly. “Giving eomma a hard time was not in the leasing agreement.” Grace smiled, shaking her head as I looked up at her. “If you’re good tonight, you get anything that eomma is craving.” Grace gently slaps me on my shoulder as I get up from the ground, kissing her on the forehead. “Let’s start getting you ready for this reunion.”
…
I pinned Grace’s name tag on her dress shortly after pinning mine on my sweater. We looked around the party hall, not realizing just how huge Grace’s family was on her mother’s side. Sisters had kids and those kids had their own kids; it’s truly something Grace and I were not used when we’ve only ever had dinner at the Ashmore’s house.
“You want to find our seats?” I whispered close to Grace’s ear. She nodded her head, and we began to walk around the party trying to find our assigned table. This was a lot fancier than the idea I had in mind when Grace mentioned a family reunion. Family reunions of mine included everyone over someone’s house, cooking for hours on end and eating when everyone finally got to the gathering. We also included all of the children; this family reunion specifically said on the invitation that this was a kid-free event. Grace didn’t even seemed phased on the extravagance of this place.
We finally found our table, which had a bunch of other people around our age. Grace immediately recognized two people, in which they looked really familiar.
“Em! Cami!” Grace excitedly said as she went to hug the two. It made me smile seeing Grace get so happy. “It’s been too long!”
“Way too long,” Cami smiled as she said, looking down at Grace’s belly. “When did this happen?!” Aigoo, I remember how blunt Emerson’s wife was. Grace laughed it off, rubbing the top of her belly with her hand. Cami looks at me now as if the lightbulb goes off in her head. “Oh! I remember you!”
“Nice to see you two again,” I greeted, placing my hand on top of Grace’s shoulder. The couple sit at their seats, which prompted me to take the chair out for Grace to sit down. Cami looks over at Emerson, hitting him on his shoulder.
“You couldn’t pull out my chair?”
“Why? You’re already sitting on it!” Emerson debated. “Plus, Grace is pregnant; I pulled out your chair many times when you were carrying Susie and Carmen.”
“Chivalry is dead,” Cami commented as she rolled her eyes. Grace laughed, clearly amused with the couple’s banter.
“How are the girls anyway? We have to set a day we could see them.” I looked at Grace, proud of her for trying to become closer to this side of her family. The Grace I first got to know would’ve avoided these scenarios with a 10 foot pole.
“They’re doing good! Scotty and Liv are watching them tonight for us.”
“Susie just started pre-school and Carmen just turned 2,” Emerson added, scrolling through pictures on his phone before handing it over to Grace. Grace reacted immediately in awe, looking at the photo of two girls in Halloween costumes.
“Stop, they are the cutest!” Grace cooed, observing the picture. “Susie looks like your twin, Em.”
“And Carmen has her mama’s personality,” Emerson said as he looked at Cami. She rolled her eyes but didn’t deny it. “How’s our little dancing queen, Willow?”
“Getting older too fast,” Grace commented. “She’s away with her dance academy for Starbound in Beacon.”
“How old is she now? I can never keep up,” Cami asked. I was the one to take out my phone, showing the couple a picture of Willow.
“She’s turning 7 in April,” I answered. “She’s also on the honor roll in her 1st grade class.” Grace smiles big, as she always does when talking about Little Bean, Willow Bean, as she demanded I start calling her instead.
“For fuck’s sake, where did the time go?” Cami reacted, looking at the photo on my phone. “She was just a baby!”
“Don’t get me started,” Grace said, visibly trying to fight back hormonal tears. I kissed Grace on the temple of her head for support. Cami smiles, witnessing the gesture.
“How far along are you, Grace?” Cami asked. “If you need any baby clothes, we have a ton of things from the girls that we couldn’t use; especially Carmen weighting in at nearly 9 pounds at birth.” Aigoo, a 9 pound newborn baby?!
“A little over 5 months,” Grace answered, placing her hand on top of her stomach. “The longest 5 months ever. Did you find your second pregnancy to be absolutely brutal?”
“Definitely,” Cami said as she sipped her drink. “Carmen was a big ass baby; I had to wear a sling around my stomach by month 7 because the pain in my lower back was unbearable.” Grace eyes widen, clearly in shock. Ya, please don’t be scaring her now. “How are you holding up though? Do you guys know what you’re having?”
“Not yet,” I answered, sipping my glass of water to clear my throat. “We have our next check up next weekend, actually.” This next appointment was one of the big ones, and I wasn’t sure if we were both ready to go to it. Surely, the very first visit I nearly had to hold Grace’s head up from the toilet bowl prior to leaving, as she was literally sick to her stomach from both nerves and agi. The second big appointment, the one where we got to hear agi’s heartbeat I nearly passed out in my seat. I could only hope that this one, we are both ready to see and feel just how real all of this is becoming.
“And how are you feeling about all of this, dad?” Cami asked. I felt my face immediately get hot hearing the word “dad”. I guess I really haven’t had the time to—
“Gracie!” I hear another woman’s voice call out. I turn around and see an older couple walk toward our table. Grace gets up from her seat and hugs the woman.
“Aunt Sophie,” Grace happily greeted the woman. “Hi, Uncle Milo,” she hugs the man afterwards. I get up from my seat out of politeness, taking this being both her aunt and uncle. “Aunt Sophie, Uncle Milo; this is my boyfriend, Jamie.”
“Nice to meet you,” I shook the mans hand and bowed to the woman. She bowed back as she greeted me. This must be Grace’s cousin, Summer’s parents.
“Summer mentioned you were dating a man from Korea,” Sophie commented. She looked at me and says hi to me in Korean in a much more formal way.
“We’re glad you could make it. Your mom was worried you wouldn’t be well enough to attend, which is completely understandable,” her uncle mentioned.
“I couldn’t miss this,” Grace replied back. “Considering the last reunion I was still in Ulsan for the production.”
“Are you still doing elite dance?” Sophie asked. I shut my eyes for a moment, knowing exactly where this was going to go.
“No, I… uhm, retired from elite dance,” Grace answered, keeping a smile on her face. “I run Aunt Jennifer’s studio in Brooklyn now. Of course, with some help currently.”
“It’s nice that you kept the family business going,” Milo responded. “I would hate the place to go down after generations of both Castros and Kamalanis dancing there.” I looked over at Grace, seeming to be uncomfortable in her place.
“Jagiya, let’s go and get something to eat,” I said, kissing the side of her head. Grace looked at me and smiled before looking back at her aunt and uncle.
“We’ll see you around tonight,” Grace politely said before walking away. She squeezed my hand tight, which means she needs a moment to step out.
I walk with her toward the exit of the ballroom and toward the front of the venue. Once we’re outside, she lets go of my hand and crosses her arms along her chest.
“I prepared for every possible scenario tonight besides that one,” Grace openly admitted.
“Mwo?” I questioned, not knowing what she was referring to.
“The elite dance question,” Grace said. “The last time all these people probably saw me was through the livestream of the dance production two years ago.”
“It’s a genuine question if that was the last time they saw you,” I responded back, trying to understand what made Grace react this way.
“Yeah, but it sucks to tell them I did all of that for me to just come back to New York and do what I was doing before.” I looked at Grace with a concerned expression on my face. I knew coming back to New York meant I was going to come face-to-face with Grace’s inner self-doubt and judgement. No matter how good life could be for the both of us, she still dealt with beliefs that were hard to debunk.
“You did a job, that job ended, and you came back from doing that job,” I tried to reason with Grace’s logic. “Everyone does that with a job.”
“My mom didn’t,” Grace debated. “She did all these amazing things after she did the production and—”
“You’re not your mother, Grace,” I said sternly. “You are allowed to have a different story—”
“But how does it look being Mollie Sue Castro’s only daughter who so happened to do a dance production and then not continue to be in that industry? These people only see me as her daughter—”
“That chose to do things differently,” I said, correcting where this conversation was going. “You were a lawyer and a young mother at the same time. You were a dancer and a mother that checked in on her daughter every chance she had. You did something that your mom didn’t do.” I disliked the fact that I had to have this conversation with Grace whenever her family were around. I felt like every step she took toward seeing her life as her own, she is pulled back by the question. Some days, it was harder to get her back to where she was; tonight feels like one of those nights.
“But she’s still a huge part of my family. Even after all that time away from her family, she still accomplished something major and came back to her family. She came back for my dad, she came back for her sisters and mom, she came back for me.”
“But you were Willow’s mom throughout all of her life, Grace,” I said, trying to further reason with her. “She never had to grow up wondering if her mom cared about her. She grew up still being able to call you her mom.” I can see the tears form in Grace’s eyes, and I feel horrible it was because of something I said. She immediately looked down at the ground, trying to hide her face. “Aigoo, Jagiya.”
“I’m fine,” Grace said as her voice cracked, still looking down. I get closer to her, lifting her head with my hand on her chin. Her face is definitely wet from tears.
“Grace,” I said, looking directly at her now. “It may feel like you have to live in your mom’s shadow, but you don’t have to. You don’t need to. You’ve made it this far in your life doing things the best way for you.” I wiped her tears with my thumbs as she let out a deep breath. She finally feels a lot lighter now. “Do you want to head on back inside, or has agi told you it’s past eomma’s bedtime?” Grace giggles as she gathers herself together.
“No. I promised myself I would do this tonight,” she answered. I smiled back at her and turned towards the front door of the venue.
“That’s my girl,” I whispered into Grace’s ear.
Letters From Liz. 