If you would’ve asked me a year and a half ago if I’d be in Grace’s bedroom getting ready for a rehearsal dinner for my best friend’s wedding, I’d laugh out loud.
I combed my hair to the side, making sure my fringe isn’t in front of my face the entire night. I blinked to adjust my eyes to my glasses, and it wasn’t long after until I heard Grace walk into the room, on the phone with her cousin, Skylar.
“Sky, the more you put that negative energy out there, the more likely they’re gonna happen,” she said as she sits on the bed. I can’t help but look in the mirror at her reflection and smile as she attempts to put on her heels. “Nothing…is… going…to… go wrong–Jamie!” I turned around and walk toward Grace, kneeling on the ground to help her with her shoes. “We’ll see you in a few; don’t try to kill Shawn before the dinner.” She hangs up the phone and tosses it on the bed.
“Still stressing about the dinner, huh?” I said, buckling the last strap of her heel. Grace lets out a deep sigh as her answer, looking down at me. Before getting up from the ground, I look at Grace’s tiny, growing belly; placing my hand over it.
“Between today’s morning sickness and Sky’s panicked calls, I feel like I lived the entire day already,” Grace said, getting off the bed to walk over to her vanity. “I swear I might kill Sky before she’s able to kill Shawn. Have you spoke to Shawn today?”
“I did,” I answered, putting on my tie. “He’s just as nervous as Sky; only difference is he isn’t the one in charge of the rehearsal dinner.” I walked over to Grace, grabbing my bracelet from the vanity to put it on. “How are you feeling, jagiya?” Grace turned around, facing me as she sighed. It’s been a rough first trimester for Grace; not only because of the usual morning sickness and not being able to sleep through most nights, but even getting where we’re at has been a bumpy road.
Grace found out she was pregnant when she was visiting her mom in Italy for this year’s dance production. In true Grace fashion, she didn’t tell me until she got back and she didn’t tell me right away. It took her puking at my law firm’s holiday party to finally get the courage to tell me. It definitely was a rough couple of weeks after we found out, but we both were adamant on the fact that after everything we went through, we were ready to have a baby… even if it wasn’t planned.
“I’m nervous,” Grace admitted as she rested her head on my chest for a moment. I understood how tired she probably was on top of having to be her cousin’s maid of honor. I can relate being Shawn’s best man. “I feel like I’m nervous for Sky. She’s been crazy about this dinner and then with the wedding being tomorrow, she’s been a complete bridezilla.”
“Can you blame her though? She’s getting married,” I said as I rub Grace’s back. She gets off of my chest to look back up at me. I smile at her, just to reassure her that she’s going to be okay. “I know she’s been extra hard on you during this process, but after tomorrow it’ll all be over.”
“Is it bad to say that I can’t wait until she’s married and on her way to her honeymoon?” I couldn’t help but laugh at Grace’s question. I kissed her forehead before walking to the closet to grab her coat.
“Absolutely not, jagiya,” I began to say, placing my hand back on her tiny belly. “You have other things you’re busy working on.” Grace smiles, standing on her tippy toes to gently kiss me on the lips.
…
“Thank you everyone for coming out to our rehearsal dinner,” Skylar said, standing in front of the room of the banquet hall. “It’s been such a beautiful, chaotic year planning this wedding, and we can’t believe that it’s finally here!” I watched Shawn hold Skylar closer and tighter, shy standing there in front of her friends and family, in addition to his family that flew in from Korea. “Thank you, dad, for being able to come here from California to formally give me away at our wedding. I know how difficult it was to be able to make it here.” Skylar’s father smiles, waving the emotions away as Skylar’s voice cracks. Shawn holds Sky even tighter as she does, and hands her a thing of tissues from his pocket. “And thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Im, for being able to make it here from Korea for both the dinner and wedding.” Skylar looked at Shawn, in which he translated back in Korean for his parents. They finally smile and nod their heads, which was a good sign. “All this wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for our best man and maid of honor, Jamie Kim and Grace Ashmore. It truly means so much to have the two people that introduced us that one summer in California help celebrate Shawn and I’s love.” Grace smiles and blows a kiss at her cousin; I simply smile and put my arm around Grace. “Anyway, enough of the sappy shit, let’s eat and enjoy the rest of the night!” Everyone laughs and claps at Skylar’s speech before they begin to speak among each other.
“Hey, kid,” I hear a man’s voice approach our table. I quickly glanced over, recognizing it as Grace’s parents. I immediately get up from my seat, about to politely bow until Grace grabbed my arm, reminding me that it was okay to not bow for her parents. Grace hugs her parents first as I shake their hands. I still get so nervous being around her parents, even if they have been the most accepting people of me in any relationship I’ve been in. Maybe that was just the difference between Korean parents and American parents. “How are you guys doing?”
“Just waiting for the wedding to be over,” Grace answers and sighs. “Sky’s been driving me crazy.”
“Oh, Uncle Mason told me,” her father continued. “Sky nearly had a heart attack when she couldn’t get the flowers she wanted for the ceremony.” Her father smiled and looked at me. “Has Shawn been a crazy groom?”
“More like a nervous one,” I joked nervously. How can I call Shawn nervous when I’m just as nervous talking to Grace’s parents? Grace definitely can sense just how nervous I am. How many times can I internally say the word nervous–
“We’re happy though,” Grace intervened. “We knew they were perfect for each other the moment she ran off with Shawn on the first night they met.” She looked over to her mother before she spoke. “I heard Sonia is looking after the production for these two weeks you’re in New York.”
“She owes me,” her mother answered, raising an eyebrow. “Plus, she secretly misses being the director; she can barely go a day without calling me about it.” Grace laughed and nodded her head, seeming to agree with her mom. I could tell Grace was still uncomfortable talking to her mother since the start of the pregnancy. I can understand how difficult their relationship has been, and Grace always thinks her mother is thinking negatively about her decisions. She tried to keep things as normal as possible, but it was hard when her mother looked down at Grace’s belly after every sentence said. It was now me that needed to intervene.
“It was nice to see you again, Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore,” I politely said. “If you excuse us, we’re going to check on Skylar and Shawn… wish us luck.” The four of us said our goodbyes for the time being, walking away from getting any deeper in conversation.
“Thank you,” Grace whispers to me as we walk across the room towards the soon-to-be bride and groom.
…
“Jagiya, it’s just for one night,” I said over the phone, taking my coat and putting it in the closet. It hurt me to not have Grace home with me, but I understand why Skylar preferred her bridal party to sleep in her hotel suite tonight. “Before you know it, we’ll be at the wedding dancing on the dancefloor–” Before I could finish my sentence, I hear a loud knock on the door. I shook my head, knowing exactly who it was. “Yes, I know how much you’re looking forward to eating a piece of that wedding cake.” I opened the front door and see Shawn standing there with various bags and a suitcase. He walks in as if he lives here himself. “Shawn just made it to our place; you can tell Sky he’s not a lost puppy in the streets of New York City.” Shawn rolls his eyes as he sets his things down. “I love you too; give agi a kiss for me.” I look at Shawn as I hung up the phone. I can tell he has nothing else on his mind besides this wedding since Shawn would’ve normally said something he thought was witty and funny.
“Tonight was… a lot,” Shawn finally said. I walked into the kitchen and took down two mugs from the cabinet, offering Shawn some hot tea. “Putting my parents in a hotel was more difficult than the Korean Bar Exam.”
“How are they liking New York so far?” I asked, walking over and handing him a mug.
“Oh they love it,” Shawn said, taking a sip from his tea. “They asked me why Sky and I are living in California and not here.”
“Your parents have a point,” I teased, sitting down across from him. “But I understand that Skylar wants to be close to her father.”
“For a man actively battling this cancer, he sure has a sense of humor on him. He did this whole elaborate prank on me when Sky first introduced me. I swear I thought I was going to have to pack my bags and go back to Korea and start over.” I laughed at Shawn’s recollection. I remember that frantic phone call. Shawn quickly changes the subject, which I wasn’t surprised of; it was something he always did when he wanted the attention off of himself. “So, when are you and Grace getting married?”
“Ya,” I winced, not wanting to get into this conversation again. “Are we really bringing this topic up on the night before your wedding?”
“My wedding, your wedding; it’s still wedding related.” I give Shawn a look he knows far too well; the ‘I know exactly where this is going to go’ look. Shawn has been asking me this exact question since I came back to New York for Grace. It died down a bit when he was getting ready to properly propose to Skylar. It picked back up the moment she told him that Grace was expecting almost 4 months ago. “Hopefully it’s soon; Sky and I have a running bet to see how long it’ll take you to propose.”
“It’s not as easy as you’re making it.”
“It actually is,” Shawn debated. “I literally did it myself.” I hold the bridge of my nose, letting out a huge sigh. “Kevin married JooAh as soon as he got to Korea after finding out she was pregnant, and they’ve been happily married since. You saw how cute their little family looked at the dinner—”
“Shawn,” I said, trying to get him back on track. “Kevin and JooAh’s relationship is completely different than mine and Grace’s.”
“How? He got her pregnant, he flew back and immediately asked her to marry him,” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest, talking as if he had it all figured out. “If Grace was Korean, you guys would’ve been married with babies running around all around your house—”
“Keyword in that sentence is Korean,” I said, air-quoting the last word. Shawn fails to realize that this is America, and Americans do things differently than what we grew up around back in Korea. Shawn rolls his eyes and shifts in his seat.
“Hyung, do you love Grace?”
“Really, Shawn?”
“Well, do you?”
“Of course I love her,” I answered, just to get him off my back with this stupid question. “I wouldn’t have moved across the world to be with her if I didn’t love her—”
“Exactly!” Shawn snapped his fingers as he said. “You love her, so much that you sacrificed your life back in Korea in order to be with her.” I scrunched my eyebrows, really trying to understand where Shawn was going with this.
“It was my decision to come to America,” I emphasized.
“Was it?”
“Shawn, I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking about my girlfriend,” I said, trying to get Shawn to stop talking in riddles. “Grace did not force me, or give me an ultimatum to make me come live here with her in America.”
“No, but you sacrificed something in order for you two to be together. Grace…”
“Ya,” I sternly said, warning Shawn before he finished his sentence. “Be careful with your words.”
“There’s no doubt that Grace is like a sister to Sky, which means she’s practically my sister-in-law. I say this with nothing but respect, but what has she sacrificed for this relationship?” I leaned forward in my seat, which made Shawn a bit timid. He quickly gathers himself, as if he’s really trying to prove his point.
“She’s literally four months pregnant with our child, Shawn; what more of a sacrifice can she make?” All I can think about is that night after the holiday party; it nearly took me all night to talk to Grace and calm her down. “You fail to realize the first time she was pregnant, things between Grace and I were immensely different.”
“Okay, that’s one thing,” Shawn sat up, gathering his thoughts. “But in the sense of her giving up something in her life for the sake of your relationship, Grace has had everything easily handed to her.” Before I got the chance to get up from my seat, Shawn backtracks his statement. “What I mean is that she didn’t have to leave New York or her family or her job in order to be with you.”
“And you think her agreeing to marriage is her sacrificing something in her life?” I questioned, not believing a word Shawn was saying. “You also fail to realize that Grace would technically be in the same predicament she was when she was engaged to her daughter’s father.”
“So you’re afraid to actually propose to her because you believe she’s gonna say no?” Shawn put together like pieces to a puzzle. “You think that she’s going to say no?”
“I don’t want her to think I want to marry her for the sake of the baby. That’s literally what happened when she had her daughter, Willow.”
“But you said it yourself, you guys are different people now. This time, you both know you love each other.” In a sense, Shawn was right. Grace and I are not the people we were in our late 20s, and the circumstances were different. Now we’re together, with nothing getting in our way being together. Was I afraid to ask her to marry me? Would she say no before saying yes? I sighed, feeling exhausted from this conversation.
“If it eases your mind, I’ll tell you this,” I began to say. “One day, I will ask Grace to marry me. For now, we have other things that need our attention.” Shawn gets up from his seat to walk over to his suitcase, noticeably grabbing a pair of pajamas from the bag.
“I get it,” Shawn said nonchalantly. “The Ashmore women are not like the women we grew up around. They’re independent, spunky, and want to be the ones to make the big decisions.” He turned around with his clothes in hand, facing me. “But you have to go for something that you want instead of letting it become just something in the backburner.” I hate when Shawn was right.
“Let’s just focus on your wedding tomorrow,” I gently said, getting up from the sofa to call it a night. Shawn doesn’t budge; he just continues to look at me before he ultimately sighs.
“The truth is you guys will never be ready. Not for marriage. You both will know when it’s time. That’s how Sky and I got to where we’re at.” Shawn walks to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Of course I want Grace to be my wife. Of course I want to get down on one knee, take the little box out of my pocket and ask her to marry me. Of course I want to be the one standing at the end of the aisle watching Grace walk down in a wedding dress. Of course I not only want our child to have my last name, but I want Grace to officially be ‘Grace Kim’.
The question is if she really wants that, and her answer is what scares me.
Letters From Liz. 