“Hey, Grace,” Jamie said. He looked into my room, nodding his head towards the scattered suitcases on the ground. “Need some help in getting your things together?” I turned around to look at the suitcases before turning back to face Jamie. I rolled my eyes as he giggled.
“You swear you got jokes,” I said, letting him in before closing the door behind us.
“Nope; I got coffee though,” Jamie said, handing me one of the cups in his hands.
“Thanks,” I said as I sipped the coffee. He always knew how to get my coffee order right. “As you can see, I need all the coffee I can get my hands on to tackle this huge task of packing.”
“Did you come here with all of these suitcases?” He asked as he walked around the opened ones on the ground to sit at the small table in the room.
“I’ve lived here for a year; of course I accumulated all of this shit within the last year,” I said, struggling as I moved suitcases around to give myself a path to walk. Jamie couldn’t help himself and laughed. “What?!”
“Nothing, nothing,” Jamie said as he got up from his seat to lift the suitcase for me, placing it on an empty spot on the bed. “It just gives me flashbacks on traveling back home with way too many bags; some in which I didn’t even knew I had coming back with me.”
“Next time I take a trip this long, I’m wearing the same five outfits for the entirety of it,” I said before zipping up one of the full suitcases, letting out a deep breath and flipping my hair away from my face. “But enough about me; how have you been?”
“I’ve been okay,” he began to say. “I wanted to stop by and check on you and see how you’ve been doing.” I looked at Jamie, feeling a little uneasy that he would be so open in checking on me after that disastrous night.
“I really must apologize on Sky’s behalf,” I sighed, sitting on top of one of the closed suitcases now. “Ironically, I was on the phone with her before you got here.”
“Oh,” Jamie responded, seemingly shocked. “How did that go?”
“Better than I thought it would,” I said, recalling the conversation. “But regardless of Sky and I, I’m sorry that you had to be involved in that, especially since you were there with… yeah.”
“Yeah,” he said with the a closed, tight smile. “But, I’m glad you guys made up. You’re family at the end of the day.” I went back to putting more things in suitcases as Jamie watched; there was a slight tension in the air when we both went silent. Maybe we both just wanted to get off of the topic of that night. He cleared his throat, indicating the start of a new conversation. “Are you excited about the closing show?”
“I’m more nervous than excited,” I admitted, folding clothes as I spoke. “I need this solo to be as perfect as I am imagining it to be, and it’s just nerve wrecking considering that this is the last show of such a prestigious production. Typically, it’s the most important dance show since it’s the closing of a production.”
“It makes sense, but you know you’re going to be great,” Jamie reassured. I rolled my eyes, a little tired of hearing people say that to me.
“But what if I’m not as great as everyone thinks I’ll be?” I questioned. “What if everyone is anticipating this breathtaking solo from me, and when it happens they’re disappointed?”
“First of all, you’re not supposed to be doing this for anyone else besides yourself,” Jamie said in a stern voice. “The moment you start doing things for other people, you stop doing it for yourself. This is a piece that you created and that you are dancing, so at the end of the day you should only be doing the best you possibly can for yourself.” I crossed my arms along my chest, hating the fact that Jamie’s logic was somewhat correct. Of course he’s right, it’s Jamie.
“How do you do that?” I asked.
“Do what?” He followed up, seeming confused.
“Know just what to say in every situation I throw at you?” I said. “I feel like for as long as I’ve known you, you just always knew what to say in every situation.” I quickly noticed Jamie’s face getting red. I didn’t mean to make him feel uncomfortable; I was simply just speaking my mind. He cleared his throat before he spoke.
“I think we’ve just known each other for so long by now,” he began to explain. I looked at him, nodding my head.
“Five years,” I said. “We met each other in that cafe five years ago.” Jamie smiled as I recalled the day that we first met. “It feels like it was an eternity ago; shit, I was a lawyer!”
“You were,” Jamie laughed as he said. “Buried in your paperwork with Little Bean in the stroller. I know she’s not so little anymore.”
“She has her first dance recital on Sunday,” I mentioned. “I promised her I would make it to her show.” Jamie smiled as I spoke about Willow. When she was a baby, she loved being in Jamie’s company. I don’t believe she’ll remember him now, but it was nice to know that at the time, someone cared about my daughter as much as that they did me.
“Well, if she’s anything like her mom, I know she’ll be the star of the show.” I smiled at Jamie’s comment. He always knew what to say; never fails. “You must be happy to be going home.”
“I’m ready for some normalcy in my life again,” I reflected, now sitting in the chair across from Jamie at the table, sipping on my coffee. “There’s a lot I have to do before I get there, but when I do, I hope I could live somewhat of a quiet, normal life again. Possibly run the academy again, see Willow for more weekends now that she’s older, spend time with my family.” Jamie nodded his head as I spoke, but I couldn’t help but ask him the same question. “You must’ve felt the same way when you first came back to Korea from New York.” Jamie rubbed the nape of his neck, reacting opposite to my statement.
“It was… different,” he admitted, looking at me now. “I couldn’t get that feeling back again; that feeling of normalcy. By that time, normalcy to me meant feeling at home, or comfortable enough to be content in the mundane tasks of life. That feeling never came back again.” I raised my eyebrows, shocked hearing this for the first time. I can’t imagine to go to a place that is supposed to be home, but never feels like it again because somehow, home was now a different place.
Or, maybe I can imagine it.
“You never felt that again being back here? Even after spending only four months in New York?” I asked.
“The first time I didn’t believe it was what I thought it was,” Jamie began to explain. “The second time I was there, not on business or anything that forced me to be placed back in New York, was when I felt that feeling.” I looked at Jamie as he spoke, listening to what seemed like a confession about his thoughts on New York. It started to make sense now. It started to click together like a puzzle. New York became home for Jamie; his normalcy came when he came back to New York to be with me.
“Would you ever go back to New York?” I asked. “It seems like the city holds a special place in your heart.”
“It does,” Jamie began to say. He paused before he continued, gathering his thoughts to be converted into words. “But I don’t know if I can let that decide whether or not I do.” I can’t lie; hearing Jamie say it stung a little. I didn’t understand why my body reacted that way, but maybe it was telling me something that I refused to entertain since being here in Korea, in contact with him. I can’t hold onto the past hoping that same feeling will be present. So much more is against us rather than helping us in this case.
I can’t do this to myself, and I can’t do this to Jamie. We both deserve some normalcy in our lives in whatever way that may look for us individually. I sighed before I spoke.
“Well, if you decide to ever make a trip to New York just for the cafe coffee; you know where to find me. Once you’ve had Bernie’s coffee, no coffee can ever compare,” I said jokingly, trying to light up the mood. Jamie smiled and laughed as he leaned back in his chair.
“Noted,” he simply said. I smiled, getting up from my seat and into my dance bag to grab something. I walked back with a piece of paper in my hand, handing it over to Jamie. He seemed confused in what I was giving him. “What’s this?”
“A ticket to tomorrow night’s closing show,” I said, smiling. “The production gives us complimentary tickets for friends and family that fly out to see the last show, or like a business partner of some sort. My mom is in town so I gave her one, but the only other person I know in this city in Korea is you.” Jamie looked down at the ticket, reading it. “Of course, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to; I totally understand if it’s inappropriate to invite you to something like this.”
“I’ll see if I can make it,” Jamie looked up and said, smiling at me. “You know where to find me if I do.” I smiled at Jamie’s cheesy statement; he also smiled as if he knew what he said was cringe. The alarm on my phone goes off, which means the next task I have to do is starting soon.
“Sorry to cut this hangout short, but I have one more dress rehearsal to get to before tomorrow’s show,” I said, getting up from my seat. Jamie mimics me as he walks with me to the front door. I opened the door for him as he walked out. He turned around to face me before saying goodbye. I had this weird feeling that this was truly a final goodbye, and I wasn’t sure how to handle this being the last time I got to speak to Jamie.
“Jamie,” I said before he completely turned away from me. He turned back, now facing me in between the doorframe. “Thank you for… everything. I know things weren’t always great between us, but no matter what we’ve went through you always managed to make sure I was alright, even when you had every right to just walk away.” I smiled at him, remembering the last 5 years with Jamie in the last 5 minutes of our conversation. “Thank you for always making me feel like I was right at home.”
“Thank you for being open enough to let me into that home,” Jamie responded. “And, for showing me that home was much more than a singular place you live in.” I smiled at him, trying to hold back tears. It has always been Jamie. Before I lost myself in thought, I cleared my throat.
“If you’re ever visiting New York, you know where to find me,” I said. Jamie didn’t say anything back, and for a moment I was anxious to know why he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t want to come back to New York. Maybe this was just as much as a final goodbye for him than it is for me.
I didn’t want it to be, and maybe he didn’t either. But, what were we to do? We spent years trying to make things work out, despite the universe pulling us in all different directions. He tried so hard to be together, and yet life had other plans for the both of us. Life had a funny way in telling us what it really wanted for the both of us.
Suddenly, Jamie gently placed his hands on my chin, lifting it slightly to meet with his lips. He kissed me, and I kissed him back; the electric current in our bodies plays the last 5 minutes over within these 5 seconds that we are kissing. Is it bad to say that I wish I was able to live these 5 minutes over and over for the rest of my life?
We slowly pulled away from each other, looking at each other straight in the eyes. This was truly it for us. I cleared my throat, fidgeting in place as Jamie readjusted himself, finally waving goodbye to me as he walked away. This one hurt more than all of the others, only because there was nothing more to hope for, to wish for, or to anticipate ever happening.
…
I looked out behind the curtain towards the audience one last time before our last show started. I immediately snapped out of thought when I felt Aimee and Maurice run up behind me, hugging me tightly.
“Guys! No, don’t do this,” I turned around, trying to hold back tears. “I just got this makeup done and I need it to at least last by act two.” I smiled as I spoke.
“Oh please, I had to touch up my mascara like 3 times already because of the tears,” Aimee began to say. “I can’t believe this is our last show together.”
“Don’t say that,” I reassured her, grabbing her by the shoulders. “Right, Maurice? We are going to be the next trio to take over the dance world!” Maurice smiled, also trying to comfort Aimee.
“Grace is right, we will be dancing together way before you know it,” he added, fixing Aimee’s hair. I took my thumb and wiped some of the smudged makeup underneath Aimee’s eyes. I could feel my eyes get watery.
“We have our future ahead of us, Aimee; this is just the beginning.” I smiled before I pulled her and Maurice into a hug. Aimee and Maurice will always hold a special place in my heart, as they were there to pick up the pieces when I had no one else to during our hours-long rehearsals leading to this exact moment.
“Alright, first number get into position!” Sonia shouts as she walks across the back of the stage. Aimee and Maurice run into position, being the professionals they truly are. I see Sahim at the other end of the stage with the rest of the tech crew. He quickly looks in my direction and smiles. I smile back before Sonia taps me on the shoulder. I quickly turned around to face her.
“You’re ready for your solo?” Sonia asked me. I let out a deep breath, which she knew exactly what I was going through. “You’re going to do great, kid. Just do what you do best out there and dance.”
“Thanks, Sonia,” I smiled. She returned it back before pointing toward the curtain of the stage.
“Mollie is a couple of rows in; close enough to see the show but far enough so you don’t see her while you’re dancing. I learned that the hard way in my own first production.” I laughed at Sonia, appreciating the concern. She smiled and quickly walked away, gathering the other dancers into place. I walked over to the side of the stage, watching the curtains open to start the very last show of the production.
My dad wasn’t home when I found the box my mom left me for my 18th birthday. It held pictures of us when I was a baby, and a picture frame that had a hidden letter inside of it. I read the letter, and saw that next to the picture frame was a simple USB stick with a gold, rhinestone star stuck on the end of it. I was a curious 17 year old, getting ready to move her life away from the rural Virginia home I grew up in to a small dorm room in New York City. I ran back to my room and plugged the USB stick to my laptop, nervous to see what could possibly be on this thing. One singular file pops up; a video. I scrolled the mouse over to the video and clicked it, not knowing what will be revealed once I hit play. The black screen disappears, and a stage is shown. The camera turns away from the stage to show my dad holding me as a baby. He points the camera towards the stage when the announcer introduces my mother onto the stage. She walks on the stage in a shimmery, golden dress. She starts dancing once the music plays, and occasionally the camera turns to face my dad and I. I was mesmerized toward the stage, watching my mother dance. I couldn’t get my eyes off of the stage, as my dad said to the camera pointed at me. Once my mother finished her dance, my little self cooed, cheering her on in the only way I knew as a little baby. My mother walked off the stage and immediately came over to us, taking me into her arms once she got to us. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek. Happy. We were both happy, all because of dance.
A couple of numbers passed by, and I was now getting ready to finally step on the stage for my first number of the night. I looked into the vanity mirror, in this hair and makeup and costume for one last time, thinking about the journey I’ve been on up until to this point. It feels like it was centuries ago when I was working on my first trial case as a lawyer, sitting in that cafe with a 5-month-old Willow, sitting in her stroller. I remember sitting in that cafe for many days and nights, once by myself and the rest with another lawyer in New York here on a business trip. Jamie.
I remember the places around the city I went with Jamie. Rockefeller Center during the holidays. Walks through Central Park during my lunch breaks. Visiting all of the museums that peaked his interest, and hearing him ramble on about the different topics of each room within those museums. Being kissed in the rain in the middle of the night under all of the lights in Times Square. There’s no doubt that New York is my home; I was meant to live the rest of my life there when I was first introduced to the city at 17. But little did I knew that it would stop feeling like home once Jamie left it. Little did I knew that what I was looking for all this time was Jamie.
Oh! Doing it all! I’m doing it all!
I turned my head, running out of the dressing room and onto the stage. I hear Aimee calling out for me as I run towards the stage. The curtain opens again.
Doing it all for love.
…
“You’re going to do amazing, girl,” Maurice said as he began to fix my hair. Aimee comes and dabs a napkin onto my face, trying to salvage the makeup that is left on my face. I catch my breath after dancing the last two numbers back to back.
“You know you can do that solo in your sleep,” Aimee added, smiling. “I also saw Mollie Sue Castro out in the crowd! Like, that’s a big fucking deal.”
“Yeah?” I said, taking a sip out of my water bottle. “Who is she again? I only just got into this dance life not too long ago.”
“Dude, she is like a celebrity in the dance world,” Maurice began to explain. “I heard she’s here because she’s going to be directing the next production. That’s going to be huge!”
“Maybe she’ll ask you to be a part of it,” Aimee suggested. “She’d be stupid to just let you go after seeing your solo tonight.” I couldn’t help but laugh. If only they knew I already declined my mother’s offer to assist her.
“Ashmore,” Sonia called out. “You’re up.” I took a deep breath and watched Maurice and Aimee get excited for me. I walked towards the stage once more, the last time in Ulsan, and for the last time in this production. I closed my eyes and exhaled.
“Something in me always wonders whether or not I’m doing the right thing,” I said as I nervously traced the rim of my coffee mug.
“Do you feel like you’re doing the right thing?” Jamie asked.
“I mean, others would say otherwise,” I sighed, leaning back in my chair in thought. Jamie placed his hand on the table, grabbing my attention. He looked deep into my eyes before he spoke.
“Do *you* feel like you’re doing the right thing?” He asked once again. I take a moment to ponder on his question. I couldn’t lie to him.
“I’m trying to feel as if I’m doing the right thing.” I finally answered.
“But there’s a reason why you haven’t given up or changed your mind, right?” I nodded my head after giving it some thought. Jamie was now the one leaning back in this seat, looking directly at me. “Then you’re doing the right thing for yourself, and that is to simply find your purpose in life.”
I opened my eyes once I felt the curtain open and the lights exposing me on the stage.
Hope you find your purpose. My body flows through the melody of the music. Every lyric sung hurts, translating into each bone in my body through movement, forgetting that there was even an audience in front of me. I am dancing in my childhood bedroom in Virginia. I am dancing in the dance studio of Waverly High as I met my mother for the first time since I was a baby. I am dancing on the stage in Juilliard, watching my dad be proud of the woman I was becoming. I opened my eyes to take in this moment, this view, of dancing in front of hundreds of people, all the way across the world. I gasped when the lights dim slightly during the performance.
Find a love more certain.
“Jamie,” I whispered to myself, spotting him in the crowd. I am dancing in front of Jamie; each time feeling like the first time by the way he watches in complete awe. Before I knew it, I was now in my ending position, tears coming down my face, feeling everything in this exact moment. The audience claps their hands, which then turns into a standing ovation. I looked out to the crowd, bowing and crying and thanking everyone with gratitude. I finally spot my mother with a wet face in the crowd, cheering me on. I smiled and looked over at Jamie, clapping his hands loud as he smiled at me.
…
A few days later
“Hey, I just landed in New York,” I said over the phone, rolling around a cart full of my luggage towards the exit.
“You must be fucking exhausted,” Skylar began to say. “Like dude, when I came back to Cali after that 10 hour flight, I nearly slept for a week straight.” I laughed and rolled my eyes, forgetting just how dramatic Skylar can be.
“Yeah, well after Willow’s dance recital on Sunday, I’ll be able to get all the sleep I can,” I said, finally reaching the exit. I waited for my cab ride to show up; thankfully I didn’t have to wait long. “I’ll text you when I get in my place,” I said as I got off the phone to put my bags into the car. Driving away from the airport made everything feel real now. I was finally back in New York, just a train ride away from Willow and a couple of bus stops away from my family and friends.
I was nervous to see how I’ll adjust being back here after being away for so long. I was lucky enough to have family look after my place while I was gone, but I couldn’t help but feel like a stranger to them after being gone for a year. I knew it was all in my mind, but I had this unsettling feeling that I had to start my life over now. I feel exactly how 18-year-old Grace felt when she came back to the city to live with her mom while in college; needing to start from scratch to feel that sense of home again. Last time, I was only away from the city for 4 months before I got back; this time, it’s been a year since being here. It was scary to feel like I was now starting my life over on square one, but something felt exciting about it, knowing that this was just the beginning of the rest of my life. I can now be the various versions of me that I’ve always wanted to be now after doing something that I always wanted to do. I am now “Mom Grace”, “Dance Teacher Grace”, “Business Owner Grace”, “Daughter, Cousin, Niece, Godmom-to-Emerson-and-Camis-Baby-boy Grace”.
“Grace that achieved her goals” Grace.
…
I looked up from my paperwork once I saw Bernie walk over with my cup of coffee. “Thanks, Bernie,” I smiled as I said. “I can’t lie, even coffee across the world can’t out beat yours.”
“That’s because we’re in New York,” Bernie joked. “Coffee and bagels are the first two things we consume as New Yorkers.” I laughed as I took a sip of my coffee, looking down at all the paperwork I needed to sort out for the business now that my mother was stepping away from it. It was now the morning rush, which meant the cafe was at its busiest hours. I tried to move my stuff away from the aisles of the cafe as best as possible to let people walk in and out of the cafe. It was truly my least favorite thing about being here this early. I began to gather my papers so that I could just go back to my apartment and finish this up quickly; but it wouldn’t be in true Grace fashion if a bunch of them just fell right off the table as I got up.
“Fuck,” I said to myself, feeling completely overwhelmed and annoyed at this point. I notice someone’s foot in front of me, helping gather the papers from the ground. “Thanks, you didn’t have to—” I said as I looked up at the guy. He smiles as he hands over the papers to me.
“Jamie?” I said out loud, not believing what my eyes were looking at.
“You were right about the coffee here; once you’ve had Bernie’s coffee, no other coffee can ever compare.” He smiled at me before he said anything else. “I guess that’s just something we always had in common.”
Letters From Liz. 