“Willie, there’s nothing to be nervous about,” I said over the phone, holding it with the side of my face and shoulder. “I know you know the dance step-by-step and have been practicing really hard.”
“But what if I mess up?” Willow asked, not seeming convinced. “What if I forget the dance on stage?”
“I promise that you won’t mess up,” I responded back. “Because you have been practicing, and if you believe in yourself, you’re going to do great.”
“Are you going to come to my show?” She asked. I swallowed hard, looking at the suitcases spread out around my room. I couldn’t believe I was less than 72 hours away from boarding a plane in Incheon and going back to New York. A whole year has come and gone—almost.
“Of course I’ll be there,” I said, smiling through the phone. “Cheering you on and watching you be the best dancer in the performance.” Willow laughed, which made me feel good. I was glad to make her happy. I could hear Max’s voice in the background, calling out Willow’s name.
“I can’t wait to see you at my show!” She said excitingly. I smiled, anticipating seeing my baby dance in her first show. Just how the first dance show I ever saw was my mother’s. “Daddy wants to talk to you.”
“Alright baby, I love you; keep practicing and you’re going to be great.” I said as Willow handed over the phone to Max. I continued packing my things in the various suitcases knowing that the time was ticking before the closing show tomorrow night.
“Hey,” Max greeted over the phone. “She told you about her show?”
“Of course, that’s all she could talk about,” I responded. “She was feeling nervous, but I know she’s going to do great.”
“There’s no doubt about that,” Max laughed. It was nice to be in a place with max that we were able to put our past behind not for our daughter, but for us to move forward with our own lives. Our daughter is our biggest priority and we finally came to a point where that was what mattered the most. “I have to pick up her costume later this week and get the hair pieces from the studio.” Max sighed as he gave a run down of his list of things to do.
“That’s the dance life for you,” I said quickly before I sighed. “I just hope she does it the right way.” I couldn’t help but think I was watching the generational curse be passed down to my daughter, which was something I tried to avoid with Willow. When Max told me that he signed her up for dance class, I was furious. It was the one thing that I didn’t want her to do; I didn’t want her to think that what I did—or what I’m doing—was the right way to do things with the people you love. Loving your passion is one thing, but to replace it with people that love you is wrong.
“She will,” Max insisted. “She has a good support system on her side.” The line got silent, which either meant the call dropped, or Max was thinking about his next words. Knowing Max, it was the ladder. “Are you sure you’re going to be home on time for her show?”
“Yes, Max,” I reassured him as I continued to pack. “Tomorrow’s the closing show, and then I’m on a plane that following morning. If everything goes as planned, I will be back by Saturday and—”
“Her show is Sunday afternoon, Grace,” Max emphasized. “Where the hell does sleep come into play in this plan?”
“On the 14 hour flight back home,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “And even if I’m jet lagged and sleep deprived, I’m coming to her show.”
“Okay,” Max finally gave in. He sighed before he spoke. “I think she really wants you there because, well, she looks up to you, Grace. Like, when she saw your first show a year ago, she was in awe. Her eyes were locked on the screen watching you dance; can a 5 year old even have a spiritual awakening?” Max laughed as I smiled, getting emotional just thinking about Willow watching me dance on the very first night of the production. “Regardless, she woke up the next morning and demanded that Mariam and I sign her up for dance. In her words, she wanted to be ‘just like mommy’. So no, you did not sign our daughter up for failure or think she’s going to make the same mistakes you did. What mistake did you make? You literally inspired a child to do something she never thought she could do.”
I hold my head back, forcing the tears to not fall down my face. I knew I shared a lot of the same traits as my mother, but I knew that what made us different was that no matter what, I would show up for Willow.
Before I can say anything, I hear the other line of my phone ring. I took the phone from my shoulder, looking that it was Skylar.
“I don’t mean to cut this short, but Sky’s on the other line and—”
“I know,” Max understood. “I’ll talk to you when you get back to New York.”
“Give Willow tons of kisses for me,” I said before saying goodbye and answering Skylar’s line. “Hello?”
“Hey,” Skylar said, seeming distant. I was confused in why she was calling me after everything that went down at her and Shawn’s place. I honestly thought I had lost my cousin that night, but she probably thought the same thing when everything was said and done. “Uncle Weston wanted me to call you—”
“Is my dad alright?” I immediately asked, feeling a sense of panic in my body.
“Yeah,” Skylar said. “He flew to Cali to be with my dad and just wanted to let you know he landed not too long ago.”
“Oh, okay,” I said, still a bit confused in Skylar’s motive to calling me. “How is Uncle Mason?”
“He’s doing alright; he started radiology not too long ago, so he thought that Uncle Weston could come down here and help out for the first couple of weeks while your mom was in Korea.” I nodded without saying anything verbally over the phone.
“You and Shawn made it back to America safely?” I asked.
“We did,” she began to say. “We’re just trying to get our lives back to normal after being across the country for so long.”
“Heh, I can only imagine,” I slightly teased, trying to lighten the mood a bit. It clearly didn’t help, so instead I sighed before I continued the conversation. “Sky, I—”
“I know,” she interrupted me and started to explain herself. “Why am I calling you after that horrific night and where am I going with this… I know. I had to ask myself all of these questions before even picking my phone up to dial your number.” I walked to my bed and sat at the edge of it, listening to what Skylar had to say. “This is hard for me to do, and normally I would tell people that hurt me deeply to go fuck themselves, but— obviously I can’t do that to family.” She took a moment before she started to talk again, but when she did, her voice seemed shakier than before. “I’m sorry for saying what I did that night. It wasn’t right to put your past on blast like that; it wasn’t my place to say that to a room full of people that clearly didn’t need to hear that.”
“I know you were mad at me,” I began to say, recalling that night in my head. “But I just don’t understand why you would say something about my past that involved Jamie in front of Sahim and Haram? Especially something as detrimental as… that.”
“I felt hurt,” Skylar admitted. “Like, I don’t think you can understand the feeling I felt seeing that soju bottle fall out of your purse. And I’m not justifying my actions; I’m just trying to explain in that moment all I cared about doing was to hurt you in a way that you felt the same pain I was feeling.”
“And that was your conclusion?” I said, getting annoyed. I took a deep breath before I continued. “I don’t think you can understand the feeling I felt breaking my sobriety over something so… stupid. Do you know the level of guilt I felt after drinking that soju? How lonely and isolating it was to hear everyone laugh and joke around in the other room while I’m in the kitchen, drowning in my thoughts?”
“I couldn’t bear to see you go down the same rabbit hole you were in before your sobriety,” Skylar’s voice cracked. It made me suck in the last bit of air I had in my words. I knew exactly what she was talking about. “I couldn’t see you become the person you were back in Cali. I couldn’t see us going back to the days where I’d get police officers dragging you back to the condo at all hours of the night, intoxicated out of your mind—or getting a call from some random number that the middle of night worried sick that it was someone telling me something bad happened to you because you were out drinking all night. I couldn’t watch you passed out in the living room surrounded by bottles, not even knowing if you were still breathing whenever you were faced down on the couch.” I heard Skylar holding back her tears, but it seemed like it was too late and she was now trying to make them audible over the phone.
“I’m sorry,” I softly said, reflecting on those times with Skylar back in California, which held some of my darkest memories. “For putting you through that, and worrying you. I…” Fuck. I was now trying to hold back the tears. “I know that must’ve been rough for you to experience, and I understand if seeing me drunk the other night triggered those bad memories for you.” It was silent for a moment, but long enough for it to be noticeable. I can only imagine all of the people I hurt over the years with the things I used to cope with my own hardships in life. I can only imagine how scary it was for those who loved me to watch me self-destruct over the years because I was… lost.
“I couldn’t bear to lose you for real this time,” Skylar finally said. “You’re the only family I have. You’re more than just my cousin. You’re more like a sister to me.” I take the phone away from my ear for a moment, taking it Skylar’s words. I covered my face, trying to control the tears falling down my face. I slowly put the phone back to my ear, taking a deep breath before speaking.
“We are sisters,” I finally said through the tears. “And again, I am so sorry for putting you in that place. I’ve… been doing better though. That was the last time I touched alcohol and it’s… just not worth losing the people I love over.”
“I’m sorry for putting you in that place that night as well,” Skylar added, sniffling her nose. “And if you need me to talk to Sahim or something, I will. Like, Shawn already chewed my ear off and told me that I needed to speak to Sahim and work things out and—”
“No, no; it’s okay. I appreciate it though,” I said, walking over to the window in my room to look out at the view. “You have a great guy in your hands, Sky. I don’t know him as well as you or his friends obviously, but what I do know is that man loves you, and he will wait eternity for you to be his wife.” Without even realizing it at first, I heard a knock on my door. I took a deep breath, turning around to walk towards the door. “I should get back to packing, Sky; promise that you and Shawn will come visit me in New York once your dad is doing better?”
“I promise,” Skylar confirmed. “If I don’t speak to you until then, I hope you have an amazing closing show. I know you’re going to slay the fuck out of your solo!” I smiled before saying goodbye. I hung up the phone as I got closer to the door, turning the knob to open it.
“Hey,” I said as I opened the door. He tightly smiled before he spoke, holding two coffees in his hands.
“Hey, Grace,” Jamie said.
Letters From Liz. 