The first boy I fell in love with was Scott Campbell, back in Waverly where I spent my last year of high-school. He was a sweet boy, and I took a liking for him early on in our friendship. Emerson, who was our mutual friend, tried his hardest to set us up on some double date; he was loosely dating some art major at the time that used him as her muse for her senior project. Anyway, the connection Scott and I felt that night was instantaneous; the night that we all went out to the movies was when we shared our first kiss. He wasn’t my first kiss, but he was my first heartbreak after going back home to Virginia the middle of the school year. When I came back to New York for college, I thought maybe it would feel the same; that I was able pick things back up and continue where we left off. No matter how hard I tried to feel those same things I did earlier that year, I couldn’t. It was like I was coming home to a place that really wasn’t home. That’s when we both decided it was best to stay friends.
“Boys will come and go,” my mom began to say as we sat in her studio apartment, eating lemon ices on this hot, summer day. “But home will always be there.”
“It’s weird though,” I began to say, looking back up at my mom. “When we went back to Virginia, I felt… homesick. Like, I was missing New York. I thought maybe I was just missing Scott and my friends here, but coming back and trying to go back to what things were… it was like I missed New York more than the people that were here. It just didn’t feel the same.”
“How did Scott take the breakup?” she asked.
“Pretty well, actually,” I answered, scrapping the bottom of the cup with the spoon. “I think we both felt the same way when it came to our relationship. I think we officially said our goodbyes the day I left for Virginia.”
“I think you already knew that you missed the city; not the people in it,” my mom said, nodding her head. I looked outside of the window, looking at the different skyscrapers in the city, the cars and people passing through the streets.
It was a weird phenomenon; missing something that you barely knew.
…
I immediately looked up when I heard a knock on the door of my hotel room. I let out a deep breath, not ready to have this conversation. I feel like at the point in my life I would’ve mastered the conversations; construct them in a way that made it less painful and do it in a timely manner. I opened the door, and there stood Sahim. He immediately smiled once he saw me.
“Hey, Grace,” Sahim greeted. I returned a smile back, feeling a mixture of emotions seeing him stand there. I invited him in, closing the door behind us once he entered. He slowly walked into the room, turning around to face me.
“Sit,” I insisted, pointing at the couch in the room. It was easier to move around and distract myself. “Do you want something to drink? I only have coffee, but I can make a fresh batch and–“
“Grace,” Sahim softly said. I turned around and finally looked at Sahim in the eyes. He sat on the couch, sighing once he said my name. “I’m fine.” I nodded my head and slowly walked toward Sahim, sitting in the empty space next to him. I didn’t know what to say next, but I knew I had to initiate this conversation.
“Thanks for meeting with me,” I said, finally looking at him as I spoke. He faintly smiled; it surely wasn’t as big as I felt it once was.
“Of course,” Sahim said as he sighed, rubbing his thighs with his hands nervously. “I just wanted you know that I wasn’t ignoring you or anything these last couple of days at work, I just needed some time to… think about things.” I nodded, understanding where he was coming from. I appreciated it; I wouldn’t have known what to do if Sahim was persistent in talking things out when they first happened at Skylar’s place. On the other hand, waiting for Sahim to finally come around and talk when he was ready. Nevertheless, I was the last person to have an opinion on this, considering I was the one that hurt Sahim.
“Same,” I simply answered, taking everything in. Sahim sighed before he spoke and shifted in his seat to face more toward me. “The production ending has been weighing heavy on my mind.”
“I know,” Sahim agreed. “It’s crazy that just a year ago, we were all thinking about how this year was going to go, and it’s pretty surreal that it’s finally here.” Sahim looked at me now with a faint smile. Not the smile. “I know you’re excited to go back to New York to see your daughter.”
“I am,” I said, thinking about that moment to come. “I have so much to tell her… give her as a gift and all.” I couldn’t think straight, and I could tell that Sahim was picking up on it.
“Grace,” Sahim finally started to say. “I’ve done a ton of thinking since that night at Skylar’s place. I’m sorry that Skylar felt the need to expose your past to us. I don’t understand how she would think that was the feasible reaction to—”
“I can’t fault Sky for that,” I said, looking at Sahim. He seemed confused; I knew he wouldn’t completely understand.
“She did what she did with the intention of hurting you, Grace,” he debated with me.
“Yeah, and you left me there by myself when she did, Sahim,” I spat back. He didn’t say anything after that. “With all due respect; you don’t know my cousin.”
“There’s a lot of things I don’t know about you,” Sahim spat back at me, now looking stoic in his face. He immediately sighed after he did. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah; tell me how you really feel,” I said in a sarcastic tone, rolling my eyes.
“I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” Sahim began to explain. “But… I can’t help but wonder how much I really don’t know about you when we’ve been dating for the last couple of months now.” Sahim’s body stiffened as he turned his whole body to face me now. This is it, huh? “I’ve watched you come into this production with a sense of purpose and passion, and for the past year I’ve seen it slip away to some extent, which I understand considering how long we’ve been doing this production. But despite how stressful and hard this year has been on you, you never broke your sobriety. That was the one thing I knew for certain about you, Grace. Your sobriety meant everything to you, and one dinner night at your cousin’s place with her boyfriend and your ex made you break that.”
I didn’t know what to say to Sahim; what was I supposed to say? You’re completely right; seeing Jamie there with his girlfriend and everything leading up to that night just finally got the best of me and I broke my sobriety! It was wrong putting the blame on someone that cared just as much as my sobriety as I did.
“I made that decision,” I firmly said. “I made the decision to drink that night—”
“But you didn’t go into that place anticipating that you’d break it,” Sahim mentioned, trying to make a point. I don’t answer him back at this point. What even was the point? My lack of response made Sahim sigh, shutting his eyes before he spoke again. “I didn’t come here to start a fight with you.”
“You’re sure doing a shitty job not doing that,” I said.
“What do you want me to say, Grace?” Sahim asked as he got up from his seat, now seeming annoyed.
“I want you to tell me the truth,” I responded, growing annoyed at this conversation. One thing I learned about Sahim is that he would slowly take the bandaid off when it came to serious topics. I appreciated it when it came to things that I genuinely didn’t want to talk about, but this time it was different. This time, I knew that there were things that Sahim wanted to bring up for the longest time, and he would keep it to himself for the sake of avoiding confrontation. “I want you to tell me how you really feel—”
“Fine,” Sahim finally said before looking directly in my eyes. “I came over here because I don’t want to go back to America with unanswered questions. I don’t want to have this sitting on my conscience when I go back home. I want to go back to America with you; the same way we came here.” I looked at Sahim, noticing the last bit of light leave his eyes. In the beginning, it was that light that once drew me into him. But maybe he didn’t actually lose it; maybe I’m the one that stopped seeing it. Sahim sighed as he sat back down next to me; he seemed like he was calmer. I wasn’t used to having these type of conversations with a person that was genuinely calm; it made this conversation even harder to have.
“I also want to leave Korea knowing that I did all that I could do while being here. I also want to go back home with a clean slate, and for me to do that… I need to accept the fact that things have changed. I know you could feel it too.” I looked at Sahim in hopes that was able to read his body language. I couldn’t; not anymore.
“I do,” Sahim responded, practically whispering as if he was afraid of putting it out in the universe. Even in the times that Sahim is hurting, he always swallows his pride for the sake of the people he loves. Most people would take advantage of that in a person. Sahim deserved better.
“You are an amazing person, Sahim,” I began to say. “This past year has been such an experience in itself, but spending time with you on the days that we had off were some of the best times I’ve had while being here. Everything we’ve been through together was genuine, and I should’ve been more honest when it came to telling you about my past and what I was personally dealing with throughout this last year. It wasn’t anything that you did wrong.”
“But,” Sahim said, knowing already where this was going. I smiled tightly knowing this wasn’t what Sahim was expecting for things to turn out this way.
“But, I need to take accountability for the decisions I made. I need to mend things before it’s too late… because I know what it feels like to leave things in hopes they just dissolve. But… they never really do.” I reflected back on everything that has happened within the last couple of years. I’ve traveled and ran away from my problems in hopes that I wouldn’t ever have to face them, not knowing that they were killing me slowly the longer they sat still within me. I knew there was a difference between letting things go for the sake of moving forward, and holding onto things because you couldn’t let them go. No matter how many ways I interpreted it, everything came back to that first year I met Jamie. Everything came back to us being in that cafe. Everything that would come back was always that feeling of home. That was home.
At this point, Sahim looked defeated. He seemed speechless as he sat there, listening to me talk. He came here with the intention that we would talk things out in hopes that we can start our life back up in America.
“You’re going to have to say it,” Sahim finally mentioned, looking at me with some sort of reassurance in his expression. If there was one thing I knew about Sahim, it was that no matter what, he would try to make any difficult conversation a little less intense, despite feeling nothing but intense. We both sat in silence for a moment, looking at each other has the fluorescent light flickered. You’re going to have to say it.
“I’m sorry, Sahim.” It was the only thing I could say that was completely honest. It took Sahim a moment to react, but he nodded his head when he did. He sighed before looking at me, faintly smiling as he locked eyes with me. He began getting up from his seat; I followed his same moves. He looked at me one more time before finally smiling; this one felt more genuine.
“I should get going then,” Sahim finally said. “Get some rest before the last show this Friday.” I nodded, agreeing as I started to walk Sahim to the front door. He’s the one that opens door first, turning around one more time before he leaves.
“I hope you get what you want,” I finally said, leaning against the doorknob with my hands. “You deserve it.” Sahim tightly smiled as he looked at me.
“Thanks, Grace,” he said before turning away from the doorway. He stopped before he completely turns his body. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
“What I’m looking for?” I repeated, unsure what Sahim meant. He nodded before saying anything.
“Yeah,” he began to say. “Something… that feels like home.” He walked away from the door and before I could process everything that just happened, Sahim disappeared at the end of the hall. I didn’t know what to think in this moment.
Everything that Sahim and I went through this past year wasn’t taken in vain. His presence was needed in a time where everything seemed uncertain; in a way, I felt this wave of guilt leaving Sahim after spending the year with him in Korea. But… he even felt that home wasn’t with him.
I closed the door and closed my eyes to reflect on everything that led up to this moment. Everything happens for a reason, and there was no running away from it.
There was no running away from home.
Letters From Liz. 