“You’ve been in love with her the entire time.”
I began to wrap up my work for the day, sitting at my desk in the office in silence. I’ve been running on iced americano drinks with extra shots of espresso, still feeling mentally exhausted from these last couple of days. I’ve buried myself in administrative work in hopes to have some normalcy back in my life. Nothing helped; my mind kept spinning and replaying the other night.
I’ve tried to call Haram since Skylar’s outburst, and every time I’ve tried she either forwards it to voicemail, or picks up just to say that she’s too busy to talk. I’ve continuously called her until she finally agreed to sit down with me to talk. I felt guilty that she had to go through something that she didn’t ask to go through. She went to Shawn and Skylars place simply for the fact that she’s my girlfriend. I felt responsible for the mess that conspired that night, and I wanted nothing more than to just talk to her about it.
“You’ve been in love with her the entire time,” Kevin stated. It wasn’t a question anymore. All I could do is look at him, trying to find something to say. I couldn’t; nothing could actually convey exactly how I feel about Grace. “Aigoo.”
…
“Haram,” I said, standing up from my seat at the restaurant once she walked in. I pulled out her seat for her, she smiled as she sat. “I hope the traffic wasn’t too bad coming here.”
“It wasn’t too bad,” she said, taking off her coat and placed it behind her seat. “The rain made the drive seemed longer.” I nodded, sitting back down in my seat. Nothing was said after that, but thankfully the waiter came to get us some drinks before we ordered dinner. I cleared my throat, starting the conversation again.
“I can’t explain it,” I finally said to Kevin, putting the pieces together in my mind. “I’ve tried to move on for years. I’ve tried to focus my life on my family, my career; pretend that New York never even happened. But I can’t. I can’t escape everything we’ve been through—”
“Thanks for meeting me,” I started to say.
“Why wouldn’t I,” Haram said, looking at the waiter and thanking him when he came with our drinks. Haram ordered a beer to have with dinner. I ordered a soda instead. “I just needed some time to process everything that happened that night.”
“I respect that,” I said, sipping my drink, clearing my throat once again. “It was a lot to take in, especially after drinking and… yeah.” Haram sighed again, seeming annoyed.
“Jaemin,” Haram finally said, dropping the facade she came in with. “I wish you told me this instead of an external person. I understand that this was something that happened before us, but what I don’t understand is why you never told me this thing about your past.”
“It’s called ‘living it in the past’,” Kevin emphasized.
“I can’t leave it in the past if…” I took a moment to finally say it.
I looked at Haram as she spoke, analyzing the way she was articulating her words. Knowing Haram, I could sense she was trying to sugarcoat how she felt for the sake of saving our relationship. Haram had this thing that she needed to control the relationships she had with people in her life, but in the process these people in them would step all over her, knowing she would try to find a way to put the blame on herself. It wasn’t right.
“It was something I was still dealing with,” I started to explain. “It was something that I needed to come to terms in my own pace—”
“And I understand that,” Haram interrupted. “That isn’t something that you heal from overnight… but,” Haram was trying to make sense of everything, and I don’t blame her for not being able to; it was something that you didn’t expect to ever come up when you’re in a relationship with someone. “It concerns me that she’s somewhat in your life.”
“I know,” I said, sighing. “But you have to understand that Grace and I will always e connected through Shawn and Skylar. We are cordial for the sake of them—”
“Jaemin,” Haram softly said, taking in a deep breath. She really was trying to say the right things, and I was just sitting here, waiting for her to finally speak what was on her mind. “We’ve been together for a couple of months now, and before Grace came in the picture, I was able to see my future with you. I had no reason to question whether or not this relationship was the right one. You were… a different person. You were my boyfriend before she came back into your life. I just want that person back.” I looked at Haram as she spoke, feeling guilty the longer she explained how she felt. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve someone that wasn’t fully living in the present.
“You have to think about things, Hyung,” Kevin pointed at me as he spoke. “Your whole life is here. Your job is here, your family is here; going to America to be with Grace means you’re leaving your entire life behind.” Kevin finally looked at me in the eyes as he spoke. “You’re left with two options: are you going to let things be in the past, or are you willing to leave everything behind just to be with Grace?”
“I’m sorry, Haram,” I responded. Nothing else could come out after that. That’s all I could say, in hopes that she’d understand what I was truly saying. She was smart and observant; I know she would be able to put the pieces together. I could see the hurt on her face. She cleared her throat before she said anything else.
“You’re going to have to say it,” Haram said as she fidgeted with her fingers.
“I can’t leave it in the past if my feelings for Grace never went away,” I confessed to Kevin. Kevin got up from his seat and paced around the small office. He turned around to give me one final look, but his face completely changed. It wasn’t mean or stoic looking; it was empathetic.
“Well, then you got some work to do,” Kevin said as he crossed his arms and leaned toward the doorframe. “Some challenges to face along the way, and they aren’t going to be easy.”
“You’ve been nothing but great to me in the short time we’ve been together, and please know that I enjoyed every moment we spent. But,” I tried to find the right words to say this, but quickly realized that nothing could possibly make this easy for her to hear, and easier for me to say. “But I can’t be the man you want me to be. And for that, I’m sorry.” Haram looked down at her lap, nodding her head before looking back up at me. I could see the tears building up in her eyes. She let out a deep breath, and finally looked into my eyes.
“I know you can’t,” Haram finally said, a tear falling down her cheek. “I know you still love her. Woman’s intuition.”
“I know,” I responded back, standing up from my chair to walk Kevin out.
“You sure?’ Kevin questioned. “You are choosing something completely unconventional in the eyes of your loved ones.”
“I’m choosing someone that I unconditionally love,” I responded, putting it out in the universe.
“Take care of yourself, Jaemin,” Haram sighed as she got up from her seat. “I hope you finally get the happiness you’ve been seeking for. You deserve to find it.”
“You too, Haram,” I said. Haram faintly smiled as she turned around to leave the restaurant. I watched her close the door behind her, closing a chapter of her life. Revising the one I haven’t read back in a long time.
Letters From Liz. 