My head was spinning once I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry, which made it hard to even lift my head up from the pillow it was resting on. I slowly got up, and looked around my surroundings once I was able to see clearly again. I’m confused and concerned about where I woke up; this wasn’t my room, this wasn’t Aimee’s room, and it wasn’t even Sahim’s room. I’m not even wearing Sahim’s clothes right now.
I know exactly where I am, and something tells me I did a stupid thing for me to end up sleeping here in the first place.
I quickly got up, trying my best to not make any loud noises. I saw my clothes from earlier tonight folded on top of the chair closest to the couch. I grabbed them quickly, trying to see if I could find a bathroom to change in and leave without getting caught. I walked up the short flight of stairs to the second floor, looking at the numerous closed doors that could be the bathroom. I was nervous to check them all; for fuck’s sake what if I see him sleeping in his bed and wake him up? I took a chance to open the first door near the staircase, hoping this was the bathroom.
Apparently bathrooms are not located closest to the stairs in this apartment.
I walked into what seemed like Jamie’s office, with Jamie sitting on the computer chair next to his desk. He turned around to look at me. Fuck. Busted.
“Hey, uhm…” I awkwardly greeted him, not knowing what else to say. “I was, uhm, looking for the bathroom to change and—”
“It’s the third door to your left,” Jamie answered, looking at me with a worried look.
“Thanks,” I quickly said before attempting to leave the office. “Sorry if I disturbed you—”
“Wait,” Jamie softly said. I turned around, looking at Jamie look at me. To some extent, I was a bit uncomfortable. What is going on? What the hell happened tonight? “Are you feeling okay?”
“Despite this huge ass headache I have, I’m fine,” I said, sighing. Jamie’s expression didn’t change; it was beginning to make me worried. “What?” Jamie got up from his seat and directed me to sit down. I was nervous, not knowing what to expect in this situation, yet alone from a person like Jamie.
“Grace, I don’t know if you remember much of what happened tonight, but…” Jamie tried his hardest to find the right words, but the longer he waited to say something, the more irritable I got.
“What? Just say it—”
“You got wasted at Shawn and Skylar’s dinner,” Jamie admitted.
“You’re lying,” I said, not being able to truly hear and believe the words coming got of Jamie’s mouth.
“You think I would even joke around like that?” Jamie emphasized, raising an eyebrow as he spoke.
“I have to had mistaken my cup for someone else’s or something,” I tried to make sense of any given scenario, but something was telling me that what Jamie was saying was correct. Jamie didn’t have any reason to lie to me, and it would explain why I was even at Jamie’s house in the first place and not at Skylar’s or with Sahim. “I really should get going, I should go check in on Sky and then call Sahim to let him know I’m okay and—”
“Grace,” Jamie said, almost sounding like a plea. He didn’t know what else to say at that point; I could tell considering he sat there trying to ponder the right words to say. So it’s true. I fucked up something that almost everyone in my life was proud of me for doing. “Do you remember anything that happened?
“Do you remember anything that happened?” Jamie asked as he sat in the chair across from me. I looked at him, and at this point it was sinking in: the sadness. The regret. The sting behind my actions.
“All I remember was Skylar literally announcing to the room about what happened between us,” I said, recalling the night. “How could she think it was okay to even say that in front of all those people? She had no right putting out my business like that.” Jamie didn’t say anything back; he sat there and listened to me rant, despite the stupid shit that I pulled this night. Despite being the main reason that his girlfriend is not here with him tonight. God, she probably hates him the same way Sahim hates my guts too. The wave of sadness was now officially transforming into a huge tide, and I didn’t know how to control it anymore.
“I’m sorry,” Jamie blurted out. I lifted my head up, confused by what he meant. If anything, I should be the one apologizing to him.
“For what?” I questioned. “You didn’t do anything wrong tonight.”
“I’m sorry for everything,” Jamie repeated himself. “For everything that you went through these last couple of years.” I looked at Jamie as I thought about the words he was saying. I thought about the first time we met at the cafe back in New York that one, summer day. I remember our first date, our first exploration around the city during the holiday season. I remember how excited Willow would get when she sat on his lap as a baby. I remember all of these things that happened with Jamie, and it wasn’t until this moment that I realized that most of my life in recent years were spent with Jamie. So much of my highs and lows were experienced in the time that we’ve known each other; does he ever get sick of being the only person to consult me in a crisis?
“You too, Jamie,” I said back to him, also feeling responsible for his highs and lows of his recent years. “I’m sorry for everything I put you through these last couple years too.” I expected Jamie to say something else, but instead he sat there, looking at me. I couldn’t stop looking at him, and all I could think about were the times that things were simple. We were happy. We were once living a life that in the moment was what we wanted, and I missed that. I missed him.
I sighed, remembering fragments of our conversation from earlier tonight. I remember exactly what happened from that moment, to the moment that I fell asleep on his couch. I was sick to my stomach, knowing that this was something I had to now come to terms with.
“Yeah,” I simply said, now looking at Jamie. “I remember what happened.”
“I’m sorry that things went that way,” Jamie began to apologize. “I should’ve stopped it before it even was a thought and—”
“Jamie, please,” I said in a tired, defeated tone. “I don’t want to think about what happened. I don’t want to talk about it, and I surely don’t want to relive it. All I want is to get dressed and go back to my hotel room and sleep in my own bed.” Jamie nodded his head, seeming to respect my decision. He got up from where he was sitting, and started to walk towards the door out of his office.
“I’ll take you back to Ulsan,” Jamie said, looking at me.
…
My head was still spinning by the time we got into his car. I felt like I was going to throw up. What was I going to do once I got back to the hotel? What was I even going to say to Sahim when I see him next? Our next rehearsal before our last couple of shows begin tomorrow, and I don’t know how I’m going to walk into them as if nothing happened the night before. There wasn’t anyone on the road on our way back to Ulsan which made the ride go by quicker. With the tension between us, it felt like I was in this car for hours.
“Thank you again for letting me stay at your place,” I said to Jamie. “Who knows where I’d be after that disastrous night.”
“You would’ve been at my place,” Jamie answered as he drove. “I wasn’t going to leave you there by yourself.”
“You don’t owe me anything though,” I said, as I turned my head to face him. “I haven’t done anything for you to even be remotely nice to me.”
“I’ve stopped trying to figure that out,” Jamie said as he continued to drive. “I guess there’s always going to be that one person that you’ll always care about, despite the circumstances.”
“And I just so happen to be that person?” I questioned.
“We don’t choose the people, they somehow choose us,” Jamie subliminally said, briefly looking at me at red light. “It really wasn’t nothing for me to have you stay over my place while you sobered up.”
“Are you disappointed?” I asked him. “That I broke my sobriety?” It took Jamie a while to finally answer the question.
“I can’t project my thoughts on a decision you made,” Jamie answered. I rolled my eyes, as I should’ve assumed he would answer in a riddle-like way. “I don’t know what made you want to break it, but that’s something that you have to deal with.” Jamie was right, and it was something that I didn’t know how I was going to do that after everything that happened at the dinner. I wasn’t sure how I was going to talk to Sahim after what was said, and I didn’t know if I could ever forgive my cousin for exposing me in front of everyone. How the hell was I going to explain this to my family back home?
“I’m sorry,” I began to say, not really knowing why I was apologizing in the first place. A part of me knew the reason; I remember what happened at Jamie’s place. I remember passing out on his couch in a panic, not knowing how I was going to face Sahim once I sobered up. Now that I’m here, heading back to the hotel and back to the workplace that I share with Sahim, I’m still unsure how I’m going to handle seeing him now. “I know you’d rather be with your girlfriend right now, trying to fix the mess that I caused.” I looked over to Jamie, waiting for some sort of response. He looked forward as he drove; he was clearly deep in his own thoughts. “I know it was the last thing you wanted to happen—”
“Don’t stress about what happened,” Jamie began to say. “You got an obligation that you committed yourself to do and finish.” Jamie had changed the subject so abruptly. What was Jamie keeping to himself? Why would he still feel the need to look after me after all we’ve been through? It was utter insanity to think that someone still cared about you long after they’ve been put out of this position. Jamie never made me wonder if I was ever going to speak to him again whenever we had a fight; everyone else though? A complete fucking mystery until I ultimately left without a trace in people’s life.
“Going back to work requires me to think hard about something I don’t think I even have the energy for,” I began to explain, dreading our next rehearsal tonight. “I don’t even have the energy to go do this stupid show tonight.”
“Again, I can’t tell you what to do with your life, but if I still know just even an ounce of the person I met in New York, it’s that no matter what, she gets the job done,” Jamie reassured me. He finally turned the car into the parking garage of the hotel, parking in a spot closest to the entrance of the building. He turned the car off once he parked which made the air in this car still and full of tension.
The last time Jamie and I sat in a car for a long period of time was the night that I dropped him off back at the place he was staying at in New York. It was hours before he had to leave for his flight back to Korea, and I was trying my hardest to keep myself together after everything him and I went through in the short period of time. I remember those four months feeling like four years of my life. It felt like the last day of high school for the very last time, knowing that you can’t go back to these days once the day is over. I felt like I couldn’t ever see my life go back to the way it was prior to Jamie entering it. Jamie brought something in it that I didn’t think I needed, and he made me feel like in a way, I brought something in his that ultimately changed him.
Something has changed within me since then. Everything isn’t the same anymore, and I don’t think they will ever be the same.
“This feels awfully similar to our last night in New York,” I said, speaking my inner thoughts out loud. “At least it’s not 32 degrees with snow falling down.” Jamie smiled to himself, finally turning his head to look at me. “You remember that night?”
“Of course I do,” Jamie answered before sighing. “You gave me your gray scarf and demanded that I wrapped it around my neck before I got out of your car.” I laughed, remembering that exact moment happening.
“Oh my god, that scarf! What even happened to that scarf? Maybe you gave it back to me and I just stuffed it in one of my closets or something.”
“I, uhm… I never gave it back to you,” Jamie admitted as he turned his head toward me.
“You still have it?” I asked, pretty shocked that he would just keep something so minor like a scarf in his possession still. “Or did you throw it away?”
“I kept it,” Jamie confessed, letting out a deep breath. “I couldn’t see myself throwing it out or donating it or even giving it back. It was one of those things that reminds me of that time, being in New York.”
“There’s no place like New York,” I said, still sitting in the dark car with Jamie. “I didn’t realize how much I missed it being away for so long. I miss the person I was when I was in New York.”
“Me too,” Jamie said. “I miss the person I was back in New York too.” I looked at Jamie, seeing all of the years we’ve known each other through his eyes. How have 5 years almost pass us by? How can someone that I’ve known for 5 years still make me feel the same way I did in day one?
I wanted nothing more than to kiss him one last time before I left his car. I wanted to be in his company under better circumstances. I wanted to go back to the moment where we lived a much simpler life.
“I, uhm… I should go,” I began to say quickly before getting my stuff together. “Thank you again for taking care of me… especially when no one else wanted to.”
“Of course,” Jamie said, looking at me. I placed my hand on his, wanted to feel his touch one last time. Jamie gently lifted my hand and kissed it. “I’m here if you need me, no matter what.” I got out of his car and stood there has Jamie pulled out from the parking spot. Before turning away, he looked at me through the driver’s window and smiled. I waved bye to him as he drove away. It was like that night in New York all over again; feeling like I was saying goodbye to someone that I wasn’t going to ever see again, but so desperately needed in my life in order to continue.
This time, I was the one leaving the car as he drove away.
Letters From Liz. 