I was blanking out in space in the middle of rehearsal. Not only did I have this solo replaying in my head for when it was time to practice it, but I have tonight’s dinner with Shawn, Sky, and course; Jamie and his girlfriend. I tried to not dwell on it too much, but I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t worried about the possibilities of having all three couples in the same room for a cordial dinner.
“Hello? Earth to Grace,” Aimee waved her hand in my face as she spoke to me. I blinked, snapping out of my deep thought. She started laughing as she sat in the seat next to me. “Already mentally checked out?”
I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “If only I can.”
“We’re almost at the home stretch,” Aimee mentioned, looking our toward the stage with the other dancers. “I felt like we’ve done this show a million times already. I can do it in my sleep.” I looked at her, laughing at her comment.
“Homesick yet?” I asked. Aimee sighed before answering. I guess so. I out my hand on hers, reassuring her. “We’ll be back in America in no time.”
“It’s just going to be weird to go back to Atlanta and see my boyfriend’s things out of my apartment,” Aimee admitted. Aimee’s had a rough year being in Korea. Her and her boyfriend have been on and off, trying to work something out and ultimately, they decided to end things. I understood what was going through Aimee’s head; we’ve spent so much of our time and life being professional dancers for a production across the country for a year. Although we’ve been away for most of the year, life has continued for our loved ones, and who knows just how much a part we still are in their lives coming back.
I wonder if my mom had this thought when she was coming back from her production.
“I get it,” I finally said, trying to reassure her as much as possible. “We still have to take our girl’s trip when we go back to America. We need to celebrate the hard work we endured this past year.”
“Yeah,” Aimee simply said, sighing before she looked up at me. “Did you and Sahim figure out how your long-distance relationship is going to work out?”
“No,” I quickly said, looking now toward the stage. “We’ll figure something out.”
“What; you’re going to leave your life in New York to live with him in the west coast?” Aimee shifted in her seat, now her body was completely facing me. “Or is he going to be the one to move to New York to be with you?”
“I don’t know, Aimee,” I said, now growing annoyed. “I’m trying to focus on one thing at a time.” Aimee finally sat back toward her seat, now also watching the rehearsal on stage.
“You’re going to have to make big woman decisions soon,” Aimee commented, not looking at me. “I mean, look at how fast time went by. We were just landing in Ulsan and now we’re already 2 months away from leaving.” I don’t look at Aimee, not because she’s getting me mad, but what she’s saying is ultimately the truth. It’s been so easy to blame the last remaining rehearsals on why I haven’t spoken to Sahim about the future. What am I so afraid of? Getting ahead of myself to get my heart broken in the end? Or am I just not prepared for what’s to come?
…
“Grace,” Sonia stops the music and walks up toward the side of the stage, sighing loudly. I catch my breath, tired from dancing for the past hour. “What’s going on? You’re trying to tell me this is what you came up with?”
“I apologize,” I said in between deep breaths. “I didn’t have time to stretch before rehearsal.” The concert hall was now empty; it was only me and Sonia left. “I promise I—“
“Grace,” Sonia stopped me, this time more gentle with her tone. She took off her glasses and looked at me. “This isn’t like you to make all of these mistakes in your choreography. You clearly have some things troubling you.” I shook my head, trying to play it off.
“I’m fine,” I quickly said, getting myself back in place. “I’ll take it from here—“
“Grace,” Sonia said one last time, this time in a more worried tone. “You’re a grown woman, and I understand you have things going on outside of the production, but don’t make me have to call Mollie and tell her that her daughter is going through shit that’s affecting her dancing.” I looked at Sonia, sighing and sitting on the ground. Surprisingly, she sits on the ground too, across from me.
“The pressure is just getting to me; that’s all,” I said, shaking off the feeling.
“Thinking about home?” Sonia asked. What is it with these people asking me the same damn questions?
I scoffed at Sonia’s question. “Isn’t everyone? It’s about to be October. The last show is the week before Christmas.”
“No doubt,” Sonia agreed. “But I’m asking if you’re thinking about home, and what is that going to look like when you get back.” Bullseye. I couldn’t say anything back, I just nodded my head. Sonia smiled in understanding. “It’s scary; I know. Even in my position, it’s scary to figure out how you’re going to fit back into people’s lives again.”
“But it comes with the profession,” I added, sighing as I did. “If anyone knows, it’s me.”
“She always thought about you while we were in India,” Sonia admitted. “Mollie couldn’t shut up about you at times.”
“She never came back,” I spat out, feeling defensive. “So whatever she said to you, she didn’t mean it—“
“She meant every word,” Sonia interrupted. “She turned down the position of director for the following production; she wanted to go back home.” I looked at Sonia, confused. This was the first time that I’m hearing this about my mom. “The production after us suffered a great loss in not having Mollie a part of it. She was determined she was going home to see you—“
“She never did,” I simply stated. Sonia looked at me before she spoke.
“She carried a lot of shame when the time came to go back to America,” Sonia began to explain. “We all did. My son was graduating kindergarten the year we did the production in India. I went back just when he was about to finish 1st grade. It… was extremely hard to go back and face the people I had left for the sake of my career. I can only imagine Mollie was going through an even deeper internal struggle.”
“I missed my daughter’s first day of school,” I admitted, trying to fight back tears. “I missed a lot of her firsts because of my career.”
“Then finish what you started here and go home to her,” Sonia simply said. “I’m sure you promised her that you’ll see her when you get back.” It was hard to believe that it was as easy as Sonia put it out, but I had to put some trust in her advice as a mother herself. There’s no doubt that I’m fighting my anxiety of facing Willow after a year of phone calls and bonding time through video chat. What if she doesn’t remember me that well anymore? What if she decided that she didn’t want me, or need me in your life anymore? What if I don’t fit in the tiny universe she created for herself?
Before I can say anything, the alarm on my phone goes off. I quickly take it outside of my bag, noticing the reminder on my phone. I quickly get up, not realizing the time.
“I’m sorry, I have to get going,” I began to say as I gathered my things. “I’m supposed to meet up with my cousin for dinner tonight.” Sonia nodded as she began getting up from the ground. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Sonia!” I shouted as I ran out of the concert hall.
Letters From Liz. 