I took a deep breath before knocking on Sahim’s hotel room door. It feels like this is a first date all over again; this time, the nerves stem from a place of dishonesty. I didn’t want to be in this relationship and not be honest with Sahim; I didn’t want to repeat history again with him. Sahim deserves someone that’s honest and open and–
“Hey, Grace,” Sahim opens the door and smiles at me. I smile back, immediately giving him a hug. He pulls me into his room and closes the door behind us and begins to kiss me. I deepen this kiss, genuinely happy to see him after today. Shortly after, he pulls out from the kiss and looks at me.
“You must be so excited for dinner tonight,” Sahim teased me.
“Not as much as dessert,” I teased back, still my arms wrapped around his neck. He kisses me one last time before I walk away from him, setting my things down on the table. “It smells amazing in here.”
“Just a little something I put together,” Sahim commented as he walked back into the kitchen area. “Have you ever tried Nigerian food before?”
“I have not,” I answered, walking towards the kitchen area to watch Sahim cook. He turns around to lok at me and smile before going back to cooking. Ugh, he looks so good standing there.
“Well this dish in particular is Nigeria’s most popular,” he explained as he stirred the pot of food. “My mom taught me in hopes that one day I would cook it for someone special.” He laughed as I playfully sighed to his statement.
“How many girls did you tell this story to?” I teased.
“To the one that truly matters,” Sahim answered the question, completely avoiding the topic. He laughs as I nudged him on the shoulder. He grabbed me my the waist and went in for an innocent kiss. “Dinner should be done in a few.”
“I can’t wait,” I smiled as I looked at Sahim. “I’ve worked up quite an appetite.”
…
The candles were Sahim’s idea. As soon as he heard the rain come down, he wanted to add to the ‘romantic atmosphere‘ like how the movies do it. I couldn’t lie, Sahim was a visionary person; he has to be of his job was being behind the camera. I smiled as we sat quietly at his tiny kitchen table, eating the delicious dish he prepared for us.
“So how’s the dance coming along?” Sahim asked to start up a conversation. I let out a deep breath as I picked up my glass of water.
“Every time I think it’s finished, I go over it and still feel like there’s something missing,” I started to explain. “It’s frustrating. I create choreography for a living.”
“But this is choreo for you to dance to,” Sahim tried to reason with me. “Surely it should be easy to put together.”
“It’s not as straightforward as you’re putting it,” I crossed my arms, a little offended. “You don’t just ‘do it’.”
“I’m not saying it’s easy,” Sahim started to explain. “I’m saying it doesn’t need to be as hard as you’re making it. Your routine is most likely going to be just fine.”
“Just fine?” I repeated, a little annoyed at this point.
“Babe,” Sahim began to say. “I’m just trying to say to let your talent inspire you, not second guess yourself.”
“You can’t truly believe in that,” I scoffed at him. “You don’t just pick up your camera and think your first take is your best take.”
“Who says?” Sahim asked, getting up from his seat. He walks over to the other side of the room, grabbing a small crossbody bag from a side table. He takes out what’s in the bag, tossing it once he gets what’s out. His camera?
“Sahim,” I began to say, not knowing what his plan is. “What are you—“ Before I finish my sentence, he kneels down on one knee. I immediately panic in my seat, thinking this was the moment. Oh god, is this about happen?
“Grace,” Sahim began to say before I interrupted him. “Will you—“
“No!” I shouted, immediately covering my mouth afterward.
“… not look so close to the camera?” Sahim finished his question. I looked at him, confused. “You might break the camera with your beauty.” I couldn’t help but laugh and feel relieved that Sahim would pull a prank like this off. It wasn’t long after I noticed the flash go off once again. I looked at Sahim again. Flash. Flash. Flash.
“Sahim,” I said sternly. He quickly got up from the floor, showing me the screen to his camera. They were all pictures of what just happened.
“This one’s my favorite,” Sahim went to the next photo of the bunch. The photo was me sitting at the kitchen table, holding my glass of water. It looks like I had just turned my head in his photo; my hair was all going towards the same direction. I looked shocked, but not in a frightened way. It looks like Sahim had just told me the sickest burn or something. “This is what I mean when I say you have to believe in your skills, otherwise you miss out on moments like this.”
I looked back at the picture before he slowly moved my head so that my lips were close to his. He gently starts kissing me before it turns into a make out session. The kiss deepens, and I find myself being lifted from the kitchen chair and into Sahim’s arms. He sits down on the couch, putting me on top of him. We continued kissing until Sahim pulls back and looks at me. I couldn’t help but feel exposed in this moment.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing, it’s just…” Sahim started to say before he let out a deep breath. “You’re breathtaking the more I look st you.” I smiled, slightly blushing from his comment. Everything has been perfect with Sahim. We seem to have same focus-driven goals for our careers and in the long run found each other in the process. Sahim wasn’t like any man I dated before. He didn’t seem to bring his baggage from his family over into our relationship, and if he did have personal things in his life, he never let them reflect on the person he was when we were together. It was everything that I ever wanted in a partner, yet I still here with this unsettling wave of sadness. It’s not right, Grace. It’s not right that this man is here for you and you’re running off to go and spend time with–
“What’s wrong?” Sahim finally questioned as he looked at my face. I tried to quickly brush it off, hoping he didn’t notice too much of a change in my expression.
“Nothing,” I simply said, not wanting to explain any further.
“Grace,” Sahim began to say as he moved me off of him, sitting me down next to him on the couch. “Clearly something is on your mind.”
“It’s nothing, really,” I defended, not wanting to get any deeper in this conversation. “I just have a ton of stuff I had to do regarding the dance and things back home and–“
“Is that what you think of whenever we get together?” Sahim slightly teased, although it seemed like it was hurting more than he was leading on. I feel like the trajectory of this night was quickly spiraling down, and I felt bad knowing that it was my dumb, intrusive thoughts getting in the way of something so beautiful. It will hurt more the longer you ignore it, Grace. Sahim scoffs before he speaks. “I guess we just need to find new ways to keep your brain focused and occup–“
“I went hiking with Jamie earlier today,” I finally spat out, looking at Sahim. He looked at me first with this look of disbelief, but it quickly turn into annoyance once he realized I was telling the truth.
“You hung out with your ex today?” Sahim questioned.
“It wasn’t planned or anything,” I began to explain myself. “He simply invited me to go on this hike to help me distress from the dance production and–“
“So, let me get this straight,” Sahim shifted his body away from me on the couch, distancing himself. “You just stumbled upon your ex-boyfriend and decided to spend the day with him?”
“It’s not even like that, Sahim,” I started to explain myself. “There’s nothing going on with Jamie and I–“
“I didn’t say anything about something going on with you two,” Sahim emphasized as he crossed his arms along his chest. Fuck.
“You’re assuming that seeing my ex means that something is going on,” I continued to explain, trying to save face. “It’s hard to not be cordial with your ex when your cousin is marrying his best friend and–“
“Grace,” Sahim simply said as he got up from the couch. “I’m just not understanding why every time I’m not with you, it seems like you’re spending your free time with Jamie.”
“What? That’s not even true–” I began to say before Sahim quickly cuts me off once again.
“Grace, I see the way he looks at you,” Sahim further explained. “For fuck’s sake, he can’t keep his eyes off of you when you’re around.”
“He has a girlfriend,” I defended. “Maybe you’re misinterpreting his actions.” Sahim sharply turned his head to look at me.
“I saw him walk you to your hotel room the night I left your cousin’s game night early,” Sahim confessed. I remember the exact night Sahim was referring to. Jamie and Shawn had came back from being out all night at the bar; Shawn was clearly intoxicated without reasonable doubt. A night that was supposed to be about hanging with Sky before she left for Incheon turned into sitting in Jamie’s car getting a ride back to my place. I should’ve called Sahim to get me that night; maybe now I wouldn’t feel so guilty for letting something like this slide. You never told me the truth–“
“You should’ve said something when you got me coffee the following morning and told me that Aimee mentioned I was out late,” I turned it back on him, not appreciating him being honest with me about what he saw.
“I should’ve have to bring up something that you did, Grace,” Sahim explained, making a point. “If you weren’t over your ex, why did you agree to be in a relationship with me?”
“Because I am over Jamie,” I should up, looking at Sahim now. “Jamie and I haven’t been together for years. He’s around because of Shawn and Sky; nothing more, nothing less.” Sahim didn’t say anything, but he still didn’t seem convinced. I gently put the palm of my hand on his cheek, trying to reassure him that what I was saying was the truth. “Sahim, I’m in this relationship with you because I love you.” That was too easy to say out loud. “I know we aren’t perfect and our work schedules have made this difficult for us, but I wanted to tell you that I saw Jamie today with the intent that it was nothing more than a cordial hang out.”
“It’s about time your forgot about something that isn’t there, Grace,” Sahim finally commented. “I don’t know how Jamie feels about you, and quite honestly I don’t care. It’s up to you to put your foot down and remind yourself that there’s nothing else left there if you’re in a relationship with someone else.” Sahim walked away from me, starting to clean up the kitchen table of dishes from dinner. He walked into the kitchen, turning the faucet on to wash the dishes. I slowly walked over to Sahim, watching him wash the dishes.
Sahim was right. I was now in this relationship with him, and he’s made things feel so effortlessly while being with him. He’s protective of me, but not controlling. He’s understanding, but will not let certain things go unnoticed. I truly do love this man, but why does it seem like I’m only saying it in situations when I’m defending it to him?
I hugged Sahim from behind, reassuring him that I meant what I said. I do love him, and I want us to move forward from this without it affecting our relationship. Jamie and I’s relationship is history, and I needed to start focusing my energy on the relationship I have now.
“I love you,” I said one last time before calling it a night. Before I let go of his body, he turned around and looked down at me. I could see it in his eyes that there was hurt in them. He was falling in love with me rapidly, which was beginning to scare me. Things were eventually going to get serious with us, which means Sahim will most likely be around in more family gatherings and occasions. Jamie will be too if Sky and Shawn get married, and I don’t know if Sahim would be ever be okay with that. Would he put that aside for the sake of our relationship? Would I allow him to?
Sahim slowly leaned in for a kiss, this one was gentle and softer than the ones that came before. It was reassuring. It was security. It was–
“I love you too,” Sahim finally said. I smiled, giving him a gentle kiss on the lips.
“So,” I sighed as I said, changing the conversation. “You wash the dishes and I go prepare dessert?” Sahim smiled at my flirty statement.
“That depends,” Sahim teased back, looking at me with low, sultry eyes. “What’s on the menu for dessert?”
“Me,” I said, kissing Sahim harder and slightly biting his lip in the process. Sahim quickly turns around and turns the water faucet off. I laughed as he swiftly picked me up, kissing me as he led us to his bedroom.
Because that’s what people in love do, right? They go and make love to each other, showing each other just how much they love each other?
Or is that just lust disguising itself?
Letters From Liz. 