It was now dark by the time I got back to my apartment. I was exhausted from the hike earlier today, but don’t regret that it happened. I would have never thought that Grace and I would ever hang out again in this lifetime after everything that we’ve been through. Something has definitely changed with Grace since seeing her last in California. She feels like she’s been on this journey of healing; maybe that is happening as she lives out her dream being a a part of this production, but maybe she’s just learning to forgive her past self and the decisions they once made. It was calming to spend the day with Grace. It always was.
I entered my apartment and noticed the kitchen light was on. I didn’t remember leaving it on when I left, which made me nervous. Before I was able to grab something to protect myself with, I let out a deep breath once I realized it was Haram.
“Haram,” I began to say as I put my stuff on the couch. “What are you doing here?”
“Did you forget already?” Haram asked me. She seemed frustrated about something. “You wouldn’t have if you answered your phone when I called you.”
“I didn’t have cell service,” I said, trying to explain myself. “I went hiking earlier and–“
“You were suppose to be back in time to have dinner with my sister’s family tonight,” Haram crossed her arms as she explained. “I told her you had to work late today after having to try reaching you for the 7th time.”
“Ya,” I sighed, feeling guilty. “I’m so sorry. The time just slipped away from me and–“
“You should’ve answered your phone, Jaemin,” Haram spat out, seeming frustrated. “If you knew you couldn’t make it, then you should’ve called me and we could’ve rescheduled.” She turned around and walked towards the kitchen. I sighed as I walked toward her, hugging her from behind.
“Jagiaya,” I said as I rested my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I am. Today was just a weird day and my head really wasn’t on straight.” Haram finally sighed before turning around, now facing me.
“I know,” Haram said before she began playing with the seem of my sleeve. “It’s part of the reason why I wanted us to go out. Take some time to live in the present–“
“I’m not living in the past,” I said in a defensive way. “You just don’t forget the anniversary of the day that a parent passed away.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Haram began to explain, growing more frustrated. “I meant that I wanted to make sure today can also have happy and positive memories attached to it. I’m not saying you have to forget about your father when doing that.” I scrunched my eyebrows as Haram further explained her reasoning. I was annoyed that Haram would want to take today and make it about herself. I know she doesn’t mean any harm in it, but it felt insensitive considering that today hasn’t ever been easy for me to go through for the past 7 years. She wanted to make something sad into a positive thing, but she couldn’t understand what it felt like to be in my position.
“We will reschedule with your sister and her family,” I reassured her, feeling too tired to continue this conversation. “Are you staying for the night?”
“I can’t,” Haram sighed as she answered, walking away from my reach to gather her stuff. “I have to be up early for work tomorrow.” I nodded my head, understanding the circumstances. Because of it, I felt like Haram hardly ever stayed the night for me.
“You want me to drive you back to your place?” I asked.
“Ya, it wouldn’t make sure if you drove my car to drop me off,” Haram reasoned with me, smiling. “I’ll let you know when I get in, okay?” I nodded as Haram kissed me on the cheek. She grabbed her things and walked out of my front door. Once the door closed behind her, the smile vanished. I sighed, plopping down on my couch not knowing what to do next. Nights like this were common for me; sitting in my apartment in silence until it was time to go to bed. When I was in my program in law school, the silence helped me focus on my work. As I older, I didn’t realize just how much my time being a lawyer isolated me from the rest of the world. Did Grace feel like this when she was one?
I couldn’t help but think about my hike today with Grace. Conversations with Grace were never easy after leaving New York, but this one felt different. Although I was on this hike in honor if my father, it was unusual that I barely thought about him on it. The years that came before, every hike was a constant reminder of him and I being on this exact road. I’m uncertain if this was Haram’s goal for us today, but just going on the hike with someone for a change in the 7 years made the sad memory into a positive one.
Or maybe I’m just reading too much into it; I am uncertain about that as well.
Before I was able to get too much deep into thought, my phone vibrated next to me. I looked down and noticed it was Shawn.
“Ya,” I answered the phone, curious to know why he was calling me at this time. “I just got in, don’t tell me you need a ride or–“
“Ha ha,” Shawn interrupted before he sighed. “Did you speak to Haram?”
“Yeah,” I said, confused. “She just left to go back home.”
“Hyung, she was trying to get in touch with you all day,” Shawn started to explain. “She thought that maybe you were with me or something.”
“I was in Taehwagang,” I explained as got up from the couch. “You know I always go there for my hike and I forgot Haram had plans for us to go to her sister’s family house.”
“She seemed upset,” Shawn added. “I feel like she’s always upset with you about something these days.”
“Haram and I are just in a trivial phase of our relationship,” I began to explain as I turned on the stove to boil a pot of water. “She’s looking to take things to the next level, but–“
“Hyung, I thought you were ready to be in a relationship,” Shawn further interrupted me. “I thought you moved on–“
“I did,” I quickly defended myself, getting annoyed. “Nobody is holding me back from being in one.”
“When was the last time you actually went on a date with Haram?” Shawn questioned me. I was confused in why this mattered so much to him. It was unusual for Shawn to care.
“Since when are you so invested in my relationship with Haram?” I questioned back. “Did Haram say something to you?” Shawn immediately goes silent over the phone. Did Haram really confined in one of my closest friends? “Shawn?”
“All I’m saying is don’t let your past cloud your judgement on your present,” Shawn answered cryptically. “Haram just wants you to be her boyfriend, Hyung.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I spat back, growing annoyed. “Next time my girlfriend decides to confine in you when she’s upset with me, remember to tell her to talk to me first before going to you.” I hung up the phone, feeling exposed and embarrassed. I didn’t understand why Haram would go to Shawn to talk about me. Did she give up trying to talk to me and thought going to Shawn would make it better? Was I really that absent from our relationship? I was uncertain that was the reason. Haram can always talk to me if she has any issues with our relationship…
But it would be unusual for her to do that, and I was uncertain if maybe she felt like she couldn’t. It was typical for me to be in a situation like this; that I’m certain of.
Letters From Liz. 