I took off my headphones momentarily to wipe the sweat off of my face. I looked at the mirror, sweaty and out of breath after finishing the number. It was harder than the one Sonia gave me for the first half of the production. The moves were more difficult to execute, and my technique and to be flawless to do this routine well. The crazy thing is that I was the one that created the routine as if I like torturing myself. Something told me that this was the routine that mattered the most in my life. Sure, every performance I’ve ever did and every number I learned for a show mattered, but there was something about being in my 30s and performing in a once-in-a-lifetime production. Chances like this don’t come easy for dancers my age simply because our bodies are not as flexible and durable in the way it was when we were young dancers. I remember what my body was when I last danced competitively; I was 17 years old. Remembering my body from that time makes me wonder what kind of technique and skill would I have mastered if I kept dancing in my 20s. I would’ve been so much better than my mom if I did.
I sighed as I took a sip from my water bottle. Before I was about to put my headphones on, I hear my phone ring off. I walked over to answer my phone; it was Skylar.
“Hey,” I answered as I put my phone on speaker. “Need help packing your 15 bags back to America?”
“Ha ha,” Sky deadpanned as she responded. “I have Shawn helping me do just that, thank you very much.” I smiled as she spoke. She finally feels like my cousin Skylar.
“You guys are doing alright?” I asked. Things were getting intense the last time I was at Skylar’s place with Shawn, Sahim, and… Jamie.
“We’re doing fine,” Skylar began to explain. “We spoke things out and just focusing on getting back to Cali to be with my dad.”
“And that marriage proposal?” I asked. I had to ask. “Where does that stand–“
“We’re not engaged, Grace,” Skylar cleared up. She seemed annoyed to explain the situation. “Is marriage out of the picture because I said no this one time?”
“Does he know that?” I asked again. “What if he doesn’t ask you again?”
“Do you know something that I don’t?” Skylar began questioning me.
“What? No,” I quickly answered, sighing as I walked around the rehearsal space. “Sky, I’m just saying that if you don’t communicate with him, he’s going to think you’re never going to be ready to get married.”
“But telling him that we eventually will get married means I said yes, which defeats the purpose of me saying no in the first place,” she debated back to me.
“Sky, I’m just saying to make sure you communicate with Shawn about this,” I repeated, not wanting to get into an argument with her.
“With all due respect,” Skylar began to say. I rolled my eyes as she said it.
“Which means it’s about be disrespectful as hell, but go on,” I responded back. Skylar took a minute to say anything back.
“You’re right, because you’re talking to me as if you’re in this successful marriage or some shit,” Skylar spat back at me. “The last time I checked, you were about to marry a man just because you were carrying his kid–“
“I was in love with Max,” I corrected Skylar, feeling defensive.
“Not enough to stay together once the baby is born,” Skylar fought back. I was getting angry now; Skylar was notorious for bringing up your past when she felt like she was being threatened in any way possible.
“What are you trying to get at, Sky?” I asked, wanting to get Skylar to say what she wants to say. “I’m just simply saying that Shawn is a native, Korean man. He came to Korea with the intention of going back to the States with a fiancee. Korean men don’t string you along for long; they will tell you how they feel and make the moves to quickly–“
“Grace, please,” Skylar began to laugh. “You dated one Korean man, and now you speak for the entire country? You and Jamie wouldn’t have known what a healthy relationship was even if it hit you both in the face; please be for real.” I know Skylar always had an opinion with my relationship with Jamie. She didn’t understand it at the time; many people didn’t. I know half of her harsh comments were made with fear of being so far away from her dad while he’s ill, but half of it came from a place that she thought and kept inside her for so long. That’s what hurts the most.
“I have to go,” I dismissed the conversation. “I have shit to do.”
“Whatever,” Skylar said as she hung up the phone. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. Out of nowhere, I let out the loudest scream I possibly could.
…
I sat at one of the seats in cafe near the theater. I placed my coffee on top of the table and sat down feeling exhausted. Skylar never texted me or called me back, which was understandable. She has always been this stubborn for as long as I’ve known her. It worried me this time though. What if she isolates herself from everyone? What if she goes back to America and completely cuts me out of her life? Skylar was the closest thing to a sister I have, and it would kill me if she lets this get in between us.
“Grace?” I hear someone call out my name. I looked up and saw who it was. Surprisingly, it was Jamie. He stood there in a pair of shorts and a loose gym t-shirt.
“Jamie,” I said as I was trying to take everything in. “Hi.” He stood there awkwardly for a moment; he was clearly uncomfortable.
“How-how are you?” he asked me as he cleared his throat. I couldn’t help but smirk at Jamie. I sometimes wonder how he lasted this long being a lawyer with the worst poker face ever. “What?”
“Nothing,” I said as I adjusted in my seat and sighed. “You really wanna know how I’m doing?” Jamie didn’t say anything; he simply pulled out the seat across from me and sat down, placing his backpack on the ground next to him. I guess so. “Stressed as fuck.”
“Oh,” Jamie reacted. “As fuck.” I looked at Jamie as I almost burst out laughing. Jamie still had an accent whenever he spoke English. He also always did this thing whenever he heard something weird like slang, he had a habit to repeat it without even realizing it. “Sorry, force of habit.” he said.
“It’s cool,” I simply said as I took a sip of my coffee.
“What’s been stressing you out?” Jamie asked. I sighed when he did.
“Well,” I began to say. “I’m choreographing a number for the end of the production and it’s been taking a toll on my body. Now I know why dancers my age retire; their bones don’t do anything but crack.”
“Why are you making the dance so hard for yourself then?” he asked. Jamie always asks questions.
“This dance is special,” I answered, sighing afterwards. “I think this is going to be my last dance in elite.”
“Elite?” Jamie questioned.
“Professional,” I explained. “This production is not for the weak.”
“It’s not,” Jamie agreed. “It is why you got chosen to be a part of it.”
“Thanks,” I simply said as I played with the paper straw on top of my drink. “I’m very grateful to be a part of it, but I think it’s time I shifted my focus on dancing to something else.” Jamie shifted in his seat as he took in what I was telling him. I didn’t understand why or how I was so comfortable to even be telling him something so personal like this. No one else knows this information besides Jamie.
“Are you done dancing completely?” he started to ask before asking the next question. “Are you going back to the law firm?” I didn’t even think about going back to the firm as a possibility…
“I’m not sure what I want to do yet,” I answered truthfully. “While I still have so many more months left being here in Korea, it’s going to eventually end and before I know it I’m back in New York.”
“Don’t think so far into the future,” Jamie suggested. “Focus on what needs to be done right now, and if this dance is your main focus, then let it be.” I sighed and didn’t say anything after that; he wasn’t wrong.
“Yeah,” I simply said as filler. Jamie cleared his throat when things got too quiet again.
“You’re going to Skylar’s place on Monday?” he asked, changing the subject. I scrunched my eyebrows together, not knowing what he was talking about.
“Sky’s place? For what?” I asked.
“Shawn said he and Skylar were hosting a dinner before they depart to America,” Jamie explained. I shook my head and let out a deep breath.
“That’s probably what she wanted to talk to me about,” I mumbled to myself before looking at Jamie. “She didn’t tell me anything about it.” Jamie looked confused and guilty for saying anything about it to me.
“I’m sorry,” Jamie immediately apologized. “I thought you knew and–“
“It’s not your fault,” I stopped Jamie. “The truth is, Sky and I had an argument over the phone and it was pretty heated. So, I don’t think she would want me there for her big departure dinner.”
“You’re her cousin; of course she wants you there,” Jamie reassured. “Don’t let her go back to America mad at you.” I hate that Jamie knew what to say in situations like this because he always knew what to say, even after all these years. I don’t say anything, not because I didn’t have anything to say, but simply because Jamie said everything that needed to be said. I don’t know how or when I’m speaking to Skylar next, but I know I couldn’t let her leave the country without talking things out with her.
“Hey,” Jamie broke the silence. I looked up as he got my attention. “Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day?”
“I just have rehearsal later tonight,” I answered. “Why?” Jamie seemed to squirm in his seat and his face is getting red. Oh, he’s embarrassed.
“If you’re not doing anything until then, I figured maybe we can… hang out together,” Jamie suggested. I was confused and admittedly on-guard. What was his intention? Did he get anemia and forget that we have a horrible history together?
“Us? Hang out?” I said, trying to tell Jamie how I felt about the suggestion without hurting his feelings. Why do I care about his feelings for; God knows? “That’s sweet, but…”
“For Shawn and Skylar’s sake,” Jamie quickly added as he cleared his throat some more. “I, uhm… think things would be better if we learned to get along with each other in their company.” I raised an eyebrow, not fully convinced. “We also have to face the music some day,” he added.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Shawn and Skylar are going to get married,” Jamie stated. Not this discussion again. “And when they do, you already know Shawn is making me his best man and you’re Skylar’s maid of honor.” Jamie smiled as he spoke as if half of him was being serious and the other half was joking around. I couldn’t help but smile at his response. Touche, Mr. Kim.
“Is that right?” I teased back, crossing my arms along my chest. Jamie proudly nodded, playing along.
“It’s only right if we got a long for the sake of our future roles,” Jamie continued teasing, which made me laugh. Jamie had a weird humor that he didn’t need to say much to get his jokes across; but when he did, they always landed. People think Jamie is naturally not a funny guy because of this; I was always able to get his corny, cheesy jokes. Needless to say, he never failed in making me laugh.
“Sure, Mr. Best Man,” I said, getting my stuff together to get ready to leave the cafe. Jamie smiled, grabbing his things from the table to follow. “Where do you want to go?”
“Considering it’s not so hot outside today, and it looks like we’re both dressed in leisurewear,” Jamie mentioned. I looked down at my outfit, forgetting that I was in the dance rehearsal space earlier today. “I was on my way to Taehwagang before stopping here for a quick coffee.”
“Taehwagang?” I asked, not familiar with the area. “Is it far from Ulsan?”
“It’s right outside the city,” Jamie said. “You’ll love it.” Jamie waited until I walked pass him to exit the cafe. He directed us towards his car, walking toward the passenger’s side. Before I was able to open the door, Jamie was already doing it as if it was second nature to him. He never failed to open a door for someone out of politeness. I entered Jamie’s car and watched him walk over the driver’s side. I looked down at my phone and put it on silent; for once I didn’t want to be reached and I simply just wanted to focus on myself for a couple of hours.
Because a couple of hours with your ex-boyfriend in a foreign country where you don’t know your way around and you turn off your phone for some peace and quiet is always a great idea, right?
… Right?
Letters From Liz. 