The drive back from Kevin’s place was somewhat silent, but a different type of silence than what it was earlier in the day. Shawn was on the phone with Skylar, letting her know he was on his way back home.
“I’ll make sure to stop at GS25 and pick up those melon candies, ” Shawn smiled as he spoke to Skylar on the phone. “Babe, you’re going to love the Honeydew ones…what do you mean you don’t like Honeydew?!” I couldn’t help but laugh overhearing Shawn’s conversation, especially since Skylar was loud enough for me to hear what she was saying to him. “Alright, alright! We’ll get both, and I’m not sharing the Honeydew ones!” Shawn looked over at me, shaking his head in disbelief. “I love you too, babe; see you in a few.” Shawn smiled as he hung up the call. He took a deep breath before looking over at me; I glanced over at him as I drove.
“If I were to get 1 WON for every time Skylar gave you a piece of your own medicine, I’d be living in a penthouse in Incheon by now,” I teased. Shawn scoffed underneath his breath.
“What can I say? I am in love,” Shawn commented back before looking out the window. I shook my head and laughed, knowing what he was referencing to: Kevin’s comment tonight at dinner.
“Feels good, huh?” I continued to tease him, having way too much fun doing so. Shawn rolled his eyes.
“I knew I’ve been in love with Sky this entire time,” Shawn began to reflect.
“When was the exact moment you knew Skylar was the one?” I asked, teasing him in the process.
“Is it weird to say the first day I met her?” Shawn recalled. “She was so outgoing and confident on the dance floor. She just had this aura about her that literally was magnetic.”
“Is that why you decided to go home with her the same night?” I added. “She was just oozing in your favorite aura?
“Funny thing is, we didn’t even sleep together that night,” Shawn confessed. “We got back to her place and we literally just spoke for hours… and make out occasionally when there wasn’t much left to talk about.”
“Ah, well of course,” I agreed in a sarcastic tone. Shawn rolled his eyes at me. It nearly took him 8 years to figure it out.
“Being back home and showing her all these different places made things feel real, you know?” Shawn added. “I know she has a ton of going on with her family right now, but I know she’s the one.”
“Was it seeing JooAh and Kevin together that got you all lovey dovey?” I asked, still teasing him. Shawn shook his head; genuinely answering the question.
“It was holding his daughter that did,” Shawn confessed. Oh. That took a turn. “That new baby smell, those innocent eyes and those genuine smiles they give you when they look up toward you…” Shawn was now wandering in thought as he spoke. I kept glancing over at him feeling a bit anxious. I don’t know if this is going in the direction that I think it’s going in.
“Shawn, are you thinking about wanting kids in the future?” I asked at a red light. Shawn just kept looking forward, towards the road ahead. “Shawn?”
“Yeah,” Shawn finally said out loud, putting it out in the universe to know. “In that moment, I understood where Kevin was coming from. We both knew that he was in love with JooAh, but something changed in him seeing him with his daughter. It was like… a love I couldn’t quite understand when we were all in America last year. I understand it. I can relate to it on a deeper level.”
I listened to Shawn unscramble the thoughts in his head as he spoke. I didn’t want to interrupt him this time; typically I would tell Shawn to think things through before he went on and did things purely driven by emotion. This time, I wasn’t against Shawn’s decision of wanting to have kids with Skylar in the future. He’s in love with her, knows he wants to be with her, and made it happen because he sees his future being with her. I once related to something deep like that.
We finally got back to the place where Shawn was staying. I stopped the car in the parking garage, waiting for Shawn to get out and said bye for the day. He glanced over at me instead, with a perplexed look on his face.
“What?” I said to Shawn.
“Do you eventually want kids too?” Shawn asked. “I mean, I know you and Haram have such busy lives, but could you say that you can see yourself having children with her?” I couldn’t help but let out a loud sigh.
“I’m not in the same stage that you and Kevin are in,” I said, leaning my head back in my seat. “Haram and I are still getting to know each other, whereas you and Kevin have known your girlfriends for–“
“How about when you were with Grace?” Shawn interrupted. I scrunched my eyebrows together, upset at the choice of topic discussion.
“Why focus on the past if it’s in the past?” I spat out, beginning to get myself ready to start the car.
“Hyung,” Shawn gently said. There was no fight in his voice, which was frightening. He always fought when it came to this topic. “I can’t tell you how to live your life, and obviously things are different now. You’re with Haram, and Grace is with Sahim. If you even did see those things with Grace back then, what difference does it make now? It’s in the past, so talking about it shouldn’t affect anything happening now.”
“That’s the point; why talk about it now if it truly doesn’t matter?” I asked, now becoming annoyed. “What difference does it make whether or not I had these thoughts when I was with–“
“Forget that I asked,” Shawn dismissed the conversation, gathering his things to get out the car. He tried to open the passenger door; he couldn’t since it was still locked. “We’re really doing this, Hyung?”
“I’m tired of you constantly speaking in riddles with me about things you know I don’t like speaking about,” I said to Shawn. “You asked me this question, and you refuse to take the answers I give you–“
“Hyung, I don’t think you’re completely over Grace,” Shawn finally admitted, silencing the entire car. “I know she was over at your place the other night.” What?
“What?” I said out loud this time. “No, she–“
“Grace shares her location with Sky,” Shawn explained. “She was worried about Grace that night because she never went back to the hotel she was staying at. She asked me if I knew the area that her location was pinned at. That’s when I saw that she was at your house.” I swallowed hard, not really knowing what to say or even how to not make this a whole deal. The fact of the matter is that Grace just showing up at my house with the address written on envelopes of love letters I sent her years ago was a big fucking deal.
“Where else would she go?” I questioned, trying to make sense of the situation. “She’s in a foreign country and–“
“Jamie,” Shawn sighed as he said. “The woman has been in Korea for nearly a year. She can speak and understand basic Korean. She has the skills to survive a night in this country. She went to your place for a reason–“
“Look, she was under a lot of stress after what happened with you and Skylar,” I began to explain. “I didn’t ask her to come to my place. I didn’t bring her over here and–“
“Then you tell her that her being there is inappropriate and that you have a girlfriend,” Shawn concluded as he crossed his arms. “Stop making excuses for her–“
“Don’t even,” I began to say, but Shawn was louder than me in responding back.
“I don’t know who you’re fooling, but it surely isn’t me,” Shawn said loudly, clearly annoyed. “I’m just tired of you thinking that you’re over Grace but can’t even talk about her without it triggering you.”
“Triggering?” I repeated before I scoffed. “Talk about picking up your American girlfriend’s lingo. Look, I’m happy with Haram, so–“
“Bring Haram to our place,” Shawn interrupted once again, looking directly at me. “Sky is having Grace and Sahim over for dinner the night before we leave to go back to America. Your favorite thing to say is that you’re only around Grace in association with me and Sky; let’s see if it stays that way when we leave.”
“What does my girlfriend have to do with this?” I asked, emphasizing the girlfriend part.
“Haram deserves to be in the same room with the girlfriends of all of the men there,” Shawn snapped. “It would be wrong if she was missing–“
“You’re trying to prove something that really isn’t a big deal,” I said to Shawn, pretending to be nonchalant. The truth was that I was flipping out internally; I didn’t know how to take in the thought that Shawn believes I still have a thing for Grace. I don’t; I’m with Haram, and Grace has been a thing of the past for years–
“If it’s not a big deal, then accept my invitation,” Shawn pointed out. “Bring Haram with you to our dinner; this upcoming Monday. And don’t make some lame excuse that she has to work and blah blah blah. It’s crazy how I know more about Grace’s boyfriend than I do my own best friend’s girlfriend.” Shawn began getting out of the car; at this point, I was exhausted from talking to Shawn. “I invited Kevin and JooAh too, y’know, because I am finally learning to take responsibility for my own actions and right my wrongdoings,” Shawn mentioned as he walked away from the car.
I watched Shawn walk up to the staircase where the lobby is located. I finally let out the breath I was holding in and shut my eyes closed. I was tired of convincing people that I had moved on and in a happy relationship with Haram. Things with Haram have been so easy and manageable and… boring. But in the years where my life had been everything but boring; now being in a relationship that doesn’t require much thought or worry has been refreshing. For once in a really long time, I feel like I’m able to have the mental space to think about everything else going on in my life.
Who the hell am I kidding?
I sighed as I took my phone out of my pocket. I quickly dialed a number and placed the phone to my ear, hopefully she’ll pick up. I needed to get my mind off of everything and I needed to see if this was really what I thought it was. I know I love her, but do I love her more than–
“Jaemin?” Haram answered the call.
“Hey, Haram,” I greeted. “Are you busy tonight?”
Letters From Liz. 