My mom was worried that I wouldn’t be back in time for my father’s birthday that specific year. It was like she knew that this was going to be the last one he would ever celebrate; maybe she had some sort of female intuition that none of us, including his children, had during this time. I was surrounded by piles of written document from the trail case I was working on in addition to the case study I was writing for my final project in law school. It was raining hard that particular night; it was the beginning of the seasons changing and in Korea, we would get tons of rain after the winter season covered our streets with snow. I had just finished listening to the voicemail my mom left me two days ago about my father’s birthday; she must have called while I was either in class or at the firm working on this trial case and just forgot to get back to it. These days, time is simply just a concept of passing empty space with no real grasp on it. I sighed, placing my phone down back on the desk.
Shortly after, the room of my dorm opened and in comes Shawn. He turns on the room light, which instantly makes my eyes hurt.
“Ya,” I said as I squinted my eyes. “Why would you turn on the light so abruptly like that?”
“Because the room was dark?” Shawn answered, looking at the mountains of paper on my desk and bed. “What is all of this?”
“My work,” I answered, looking back down at my documents. “I’m so close to finishing this case study and the trial case is coming to an end in a couple of days.”
“Then Kevin and I will finally have our friend back?” Shawn asked sarcastically. “We haven’t seen you all semester, Hyung.”
“This is my last semester in law school,” I looked up at Shawn. “Something that you and Kevin wouldn’t know anything about until you get there.”
“This trial case was something that you didn’t need to do,” Shawn expressed out. “You chose to be an intern for this firm while still doing your studies here.”
“If I do well on this case, I’m guaranteed a job once I graduate from here,” I tried to explain to Shawn. “You’re just going to graduate law school and then what? Mindlessly look for someone hiring lawyers?”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m actually focusing on graduating first,” Shawn scoffed, looking at the paperwork on my desk. I quickly covered it, looking up at him.
“Breach of confidentiality, Shawn,” I reminded him. “Basic rule of thumb, or haven’t you been studying for your classes?”
“Why are you even here this week?” Shawn asked without acknowledging my prior response. “Everyone went home to their families for the holiday.” Before I turned around and asked Shawn the same exact question, I quickly stop myself. I already know why Shawn is here, yet alone coming into my room unannounced. Shawn was never super close to his family, and half of that being is because his family lives hours away from the university and cannot afford to travel back and forth to visit. I don’t rub it in Shawn’s face despite him constantly rubbing things in mine; I know if it were up to him, he would have other plans to spend the holiday weekend with anyone he cares about. Most of the time, that time is in my dorm room.
“My trial case is in two days,” I explained, tidying up the papers on my desk. “I’m not going to have time to travel back and forth.”
“Yeah,” Shawn simply answered, not really sounding convincing. “Have you spoke to your family recently?”
“Yeah, I actually got to call my mom back,” I said, not thinking too much of it. “She’s been on my case about making it for my dad’s birthday.”
“How is he doing anyway?” Shawn quickly asked. I looked at him, not really wanting to answer any questions about him. “Is he doing any better?”
“Same as before,” I sighed as I answered, getting up from my desk. “My mom has been taking care of him since he refuses to get a nurse to take care of him.”
“I don’t blame him,” Shawn responded, sitting on the extra desk chair in my room. “He’s trying to be as normal as possible.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said, dismissing the conversation. I know my father wasn’t doing so great, and my family tried to hide his worsening condition from me while being away in school. If I think about it for too long, the guilt eats me from the inside out, so I avoid thinking about it at all. I looked at my phone as I heard it vibrate on my desk. Shawn looked at it before getting up from the seat.
“I’ll leave you alone; that’s probably Seohyun calling to spend time with you this weekend,” Shawn said as he began to walk out my room. I nodded as he left. It wasn’t Seohyun; she had broken up with me two months ago after not being available for her as much as much as she needed me to. Shawn doesn’t know that; neither does Kevin. I knew it was my mom calling once again to make sure I didn’t forget about my dad’s birthday.
“Eomma,” I began to say as I answered the phone. “I swear I will make it for appa’s birthday this week; I just have to wrap up this work for school and–“
“Jaemin, it’s Lia,” my sister said over the phone. I looked at my phone screen, seeing it says my mom’s contact name. “Listen, you have to come back home.”
“Lia?” I asked, confused. “It’s everything alright? Where’s mom?”
“Jaemin,” Lia kept repeating my name. “You need to come home.”
“Lia, I will be home right after this case ends this week,” I said, gathering my papers together and putting them into my briefcase. “I’m almost done, I promise I will be home once I’m finished.” I heard the other line of my phone being called; looking at the screen, it was the law firm. “Look, I have to go, the firm is calling. Tell mom and dad I love them and I will be home soon.” I quickly hung up the phone and answered the call from the firm.
Two days later, the trial case came to an end. I had won the case for the person I was representing, which immediately secured my position at the law firm.
It was also the day my father died.
…
“Grace?” I said as I walked closer to the front of my building. She quickly got up from the steps, wiping off the dirt from her clothes.
“Hi,” she simply said. I looked at her, not really knowing what to say next. I didn’t expect Grace to show up to my apartment in Korea. I didn’t expect to see Grace again, ever.
“How did you–” I began to ask her, but quickly stopped once she began talking again.
“Your letters,” she answered as she fidgeted with her zipper on her hoodie. “Your address was on the letters you sent to me…” I almost forgot about the letters I had sent her all those years ago when we first met. She kept those letters? I simply nodded, not saying much after. I walked to the door to unlock it. I looked back to Grace, holding the door open.
“It’s getting late, you should come in,” I said. Grace would’ve normally fought with me, trying to convince me she was good on her own and that she would find her own way back home. Surprisingly, she listened this time. She walked into my apartment, passing me as I closed the door behind us.
As I took off my shoes near the door, Grace looked around the living room of my apartment.
“You have a nice place,” she commented, looking at the decor on the walls.
“Thanks,” I said, finally walking into the living room, standing there as I watched Grace walk around. “Do you want a cup of coffee, or something to eat?”
“I’m fine,” Grace answered, still looking at the pictures on my wall. She focuses on one in the middle of the wall. “Is that your nephew?” she asked as she pointed at the picture. I walked over to her, realizing what picture she was asking about.
“That’s… me,” I answered. “That’s me and that’s my father,” I pointed at the man in the picture next to me. Grace turned around, seeming embarrassed. She walked away from me; I don’t blame her as we were standing too close to each other.
“I’m sorry if I’m here unannounced,” Grace began to say. “I just…” She sighed before looking at me again. “I just didn’t have anywhere else to go.” I understood where she was coming from. I was once the lost and confused foreigner in a country I had knew nothing about. Sure, you learn about the restaurants and the shows you go to during the day, but where do you possibly go when everything and everyone is fast asleep as your mind continues to race?
“It’s fine,” I reassured her. “If anything, you’re better off being here than in some random convenience store in town.” I gestured her to sit down and make herself comfortable. She finally sat down on the couch. Nothing much was said after that.
I was always afraid talking to Grace when she’s clearly not in the greatest head space. Sometimes, it seems like Grace was always in this detrimental space, and everything in the outside world made it worse times two. I knew Grace was a complicated person with a complicated past, but how long do you hold that over someone’s head? How long do you continue to look at a person as this fragile being that you needed to be cautious about? It was clear that her family did not want to break the news about her uncle becoming ill while she was in Korea. It was clear that she didn’t know much about what was going on back in America besides the things they wanted her to know. They didn’t want anything coming in her way while she was doing the production here, just how my family didn’t want anything to hinder me from completing law school, even if that meant losing my father along the way.
“Thanks, I just need to get away from my room and Sky and just everything that was going on,” Grace said out loud, more to the air than to me. This is what Grace does: talk out loud to make everything racing in her mind make sense.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked her. She looked at me before sinking into the couch, looking up at the ceiling.
“I tried calling my dad, but he didn’t pick up,” she began to say. “Then I realized that he’s probably at work and busy–“
“But also it’s late here, so he’s going to suspect something is wrong with you,” I added. Grace looks at me. “My mother couldn’t stop calling me when she realized I called her at, like, 2 in the morning back in America. Thought I was in jail or something drastic like that.” Grace faintly laughed, shaking her head as she sat back up in her seat. Her laugh. She quickly sighed afterward.
“Sorry for how I reacted back at the hotel,” Grace said. “A part of me feels like I’m being over-dramatic like it was my own father going through this. Sahim was trying to calm me down and remind me that it wasn’t my own father going through this–“
“But it’s still your family,” I interrupted, not agreeing what Sahim made her believe. “Sure, it’s not your dad, but it’s still someone you love and care for; anyone in your shoes would’ve reacted the way you did.”
“I guess,” Grace said as she nervously rubbed her hands on her legs. “Again, I won’t be here long; I just needed a space to get my head together and–“
“Grace, it’s fine,” I continued to reassure her. “And if you need to vent, I’m here to listen if you want.” It was like everything Grace and I fought about within the last year didn’t matter anymore. Sure, we had tons of baggage that needed to be aired out and sorted out if we ever wanted to move forward with our lives, but tonight wasn’t that night. Tonight was about being a person that Grace could depend on as she worked out some of that baggage on her own.
“Don’t you have work in the morning or something?” Grace asked. I smiled thinking it was sweet of Grace to still think about others in a time like this.
“Don’t worry about me,” I simply said. “Just worry about getting some rest tonight.” I got up from the couch to grab some extra pillows and a blanket from the closet.
“I should get going then,” Grace began to get up from her seat, in which I immediately interrupted her train of thought.
“It’s late and you’re not getting in a cab at this hour,” I said in a stern voice. “I will drive you back to your hotel in the morning; as of tonight, you can crash here.”
“Jamie, I–”
“Ya,” I scolded in Korean. “I said what I said.” To my surprise, Grace didn’t fight as much as I thought she would; it’s either she finally is listening to me or she is just beyond exhausted to fight with me. Either way, she sits back down on the couch.
“Fine,” Grace said. “But we’re out of here first thing in the morning; I don’t need Sahim thinking I went AWOL or something.” I nodded, not wanting to say anything after that. “Thanks again, Jamie.”
“Of course,” I said, placing the pillows and blankets on the couch. “I’ll grab you something to sleep in.”
“I’ll just sleep in this,” Grace said as she looked down at her dress and hoodie. She looked back up at me and I guess my face said it all already. She rolled her eyes at me. “Fine.”
I smiled as I started to head upstairs to grab Grace that change of clothing.
Letters From Liz. 