“So do you have to get really dressy for this show?” I asked Grace as I looked inside of my closet. I walked out, pulling a matching suit from the closet. Grace sits on my bed, leaning back looking toward me.
“Jamie, it’s a show; not a wedding,” Grace teased. “A button down and some slacks should be fine. You should have something like that in your closet considering it’s all you wear.”
“Which brings me to my former question: do we have to be really dressy for the show?” I asked. Grace laughed and got up from the bed, walking toward the closet. She looks through the various hangers with clothes on them. She pulls out a collared sweater and some black slacks with my favorite dress shoes.
“You’ll be the best dressed in the theater,” Grace smiled as she said. She puts the clothes on the bed and reaches for my glasses on the nightstand. She walked back toward me and out the glass on my face. “Especially with your glasses.” I couldn’t help but smile at her.
“Jaemin?” I hear someone call out my name. I turned around and see Haram standing near the bedroom door. She’s in a turtleneck and skirt with some boots. She smiles and walks into the room, looking at the outfit I had decided to put on. “You look handsome for dinner tonight, oppa.” I turned around and looked at her, smiling. She scrunches her face, taking the glasses off of my face. “The contacts are better.”
“I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable tonight,” I walked to the vanity and take off the glasses. I take my contacts from the top drawer, looking down at them. “But anything for my lady.” I faintly smiled as Haram hugged me behind and kissed me on the cheek.
…
Every other weekend, Haram and I would go out and explore the city; our schedules were so busy during the week that we promised each other that no matter what, we’d do this. This particular weekend, I was getting ready to meet Haram for dinner and a movie. I put on the same outfit I tend to always wear: a brown collared sweater and black slacks. Today, I opted in to wear white sneakers to change the causality of the outfit; also, to get out of my comfort zone. I also wear my glasses today only because it’s better for me when watching movies.
I took a deep breath before leaving my bedroom. I walked downstairs to get ready to head out for the evening. Before I could do so, I hear the door knock. I walked to the door, opening it to see Haram standing there.
“Jagiya,” I said, surprised to see her here. “I thought I was going to pick you up today.”
“I had a feeling you needed some extra time to get ready,” Haram added, looking at my glasses.
“I know you hate the glasses,” I said, smiling at Haram’s change of expression.
“They just make you look like a boy rather than a man,” Haram teased, rustling my hair.
“Ya,” I whined, shaking my head to put my hair back in place. “It took forever to style my hair like this.” Haram giggled, helping me place my hair as it was.
“Okay, K-pop idol,” Haram continued to tease me until she put her hand in mine and walked me out of my apartment. We didn’t go that far to go out for dinner; we went to a hotpot place that always sold the juiciest of meat. We always sit at the corner of the restaurant; the table where you can look outside the window and see the city in action. We sat down in our usual seats; Haram smiling at me as she does.
“So, have you thought about teaching at PNU this Fall?” Haram asked. Haram and I have spoken about shifting my career towards teaching, especially as we speak more about our future. It was weird actually planning things out after just doing things off of a whim most of my life. She balanced that chaotic, uncertain side of myself.
“I have a meeting with the Dean in a couple of weeks,” I said, looking down at the menu. I wasn’t against leaving the firm. I’ve worked under this firm for the last 7 years and I was beginning to feel like maybe it was time to move onto other endeavors. Plus, if I wanted to ever settle down and have kids of my own, I wanted to be more involved than your typical man of the house.
“That’s great!” Haram excitingly responded, smiling as she took a sip of her drink. “It’ll be great to move closer to the Busan area; buy a house with a backyard, out of the city.” I learned early on that Haram was raised in the rural area of Andong-si. She moved to Changwon-si to teach, but she’s expressed that she will eventually like to move back into a rural area. We decided that Busan would be the best of both worlds; I would still be close enough to the city for work and she can have her own house and garden area. I smiled at Haram’s excitement.
“That would be nice,” I added. The waitress brings us our meat and garnishes for the night; both Haram and I thank her.
“Hopefully you are able to get the teaching position before Minji’s wedding,” Haram added. “Hopefully a lot of things are done before this Fall.”
“Ya,” I whined again, hearing the anxiety in Haram’s voice. “Everything will fall into place; don’t worry.” Haram doesn’t look convinced. “I promise.” The reality of it was that I didn’t know how or when things would fall into place. I still had so much thinking to do and I still had to think about so many other people when it came to making big decisions like this. I had to think about my family before I was able to think about creating my own.
“I’m just mentioning it,” Haram said, grabbing a piece of meat and grilling it in the pot in front of us. “I feel like you put yourself behind everyone else, and you deserve to have just as much as a future as those you surround yourself with.”
“Like who?” I asked, genuinely curious in who she’s talking about.
“Shawn, for example,” Haram pointed out. “The night I needed you to pick me up from my job because my car broke down, you were out taking care of him after going out for drinks.”
“I had Lia pick you up that night,” I responded. “It’s not like I had you stranded in the middle of Changwon-si.”
“That’s not the point, Jaemin,” Haram stated. “My point is that we are supposed to have each other’s backs and if something goes wrong, we should be able to handle it. I was embarrassed having your younger sister pick me up instead of you.” I told Haram that I needed to take Shawn home after he got wasted at the bar that one night. The truth was that night, I was driving Grace back to the place she was staying at. Of course I didn’t want to mention it to Haram; how was I suppose to explain that I was too busy driving my ex back home because she’s a foreigner that wanted to take a sketchy cab home instead? There was no motive behind the gesture, as I’ve been in love with something else for some time now. I tell myself that to justify my decision making.
“I’m just saying, Jaemin; it’s the things that we do now that will determine how our future will pan out,” Haram said, reaching out for my hand across the table. I put my hand in hers. Sometimes I feel like she’s constantly waiting for me to make the next move regarding our future and I just hold her hand ad have her anticipate what’s to come for our future.
“I promise I will change my prioritizes together,” I said, smiling and lying through my teeth. The truth was that I never put myself first because of everyone else around me. I needed to make sure that everyone was okay before I am; I was taught that through my own father. I wonder if he felt fulfilled at the end of his life, or did he die without ever feeling what was like to put himself first?
My father was a man that did not let others know if he was struggling or going through something troubling. He was a private person, and he would only show expression through the actions h did for other people. I didn’t understand why he was like that until his passing; until I became the man in the family that needed to take care of his mother and sisters. Lia and Mina were all able to move on with their lives, but let me try to move too far away from home to get my life together.
My phone begins to ring inside of my pocket, in which I immediately take out to answer. It’s Shawn. Speaking of the devil.
“Shawn?” I answered the phone. He sounds distraught over the phone.
“Hyung,” Shawn said. “I need your help!”
“What happened?” I asked, now worried. Haram looks up at me, wanting to know the situation.
“Please, I’m in Changwon-si,” Shawn began to explain. “I just–” I hear Shawn trying to take deep breaths, possibly trying to keep his composure together.
“Shawn, what is going on?” I asked, now more stern. Before Shawn can even have a panic attack over the phone, I tried to be a bit more gentle with him. “Shawn, just send me your address. I’ll come meet you.” I look up at Haram who looks a little annoyed now. This is exactly what she was talking about. I hung up the phone and sighed, now looking at Haram.
“Go,” Haram simply said. “He’s your friend, and he needs help.”
“Come with me,” I suggested, wanting to show her that I wasn’t trying to run off without her. “It’ll be quick; I just have to check up on Shawn.” Haram sighed loudly, gathering her things from the table as I paid the bill for dinner. I hope Shawn is alright.
Letters From Liz. 