It was typical for a night at the bar to be like this: people sitting at tables grilling meat before they take a sip of their alcohol for the night. Shawn insisted we go straight to the bar for the drinks.
We sat near the end of the bar and right away, Shawn ordered us beers. I can tell Shawn has a lot on his mind; he’s not one to skip out on food before drinks.
“Ya,” I called out. “One of us has to drive tonight.” I pushed my beer to Shawn; he accepts the glass without saying anything. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Shawn quickly said before he sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about tonight, hyung. I didn’t know that Skylar had made plans with–“
“I know–” I began to say, but Shawn kept talking.
“Grace,” Shawn finished his sentence. I tried to not react to her name; I really didn’t want Shawn to assume that she still had some sort of impact on me. Shawn laughed and shook his head, taking a sip of the beer. “You gotta get over it.”
“Get over what?” I asked, annoyed at Shawn at this point.
“Grace, hyung,” Shawn looked up at me, now seeming more serious. “Do you know how exhausting it is for Skylar and I having to walk on eggshells because you guys seem to not be over it already?”
“I don’t know who told you that I wasn’t over it,” I began to say. It was pissing me off that Shawn would assume such nonsense. “But let you hear it from me: I’m over it. Her. everything about that crazy time.” I hate that I was able to talk down on such an important time in my life.
“Then act like it,” Shawn spat out before ordering another round of drinks. “You have a girlfriend for God’s sake.”
“Were is this coming from?” I questioned, truly wanting to know the answer. Shawn was so hostile. What was discussed in the kitchen between the three of them? “The plan was for you, Sylar, and I to have a cordial night, and I agreed to doing just that. Grace being there with her boy toy was not on the list of plans I had for tonight.” Shawn’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I know about Sahim.”
“Hyung, I swear I never hung out with them before; I mean we all went out after the show but that was it!” Shawn explained as his hard demanor now softened up.
“Ya, I don’t care if you did or not,” I said, sucked my teeth. “You’re Skylar’s boyfriend, and she’s going to want you to be around if Grace is… with Sahim.” Sahim. What kind of name was that? How did they even meet? I can’t help but think about the conversation I had with Sahim in the living room earlier tonight. Something bothered me about the conversation. “He seems like a nice guy.” Shawn looked shocked, expecting me to say something bad about Sahim like a typical ex-boyfriend.
“He’s cool,” Shawn simply said, taking a big gulp of the beer left in his cup. He’s drinking a lot more than I expected. Nothing is said after that, and I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore.
“I actually spoke to him when you and Skylar were in the kitchen with Grace,” I recalled, playing with the napkin in front of me. Shawn looked at me, listening. I looked at him and sighed. “He introduced himself to me, and then introduced me to Grace.”
“What?” Shawn said, confused.
“He didn’t know who I was, Shawn,” I emphasized, shifting in my seat. I look at the drinks behind the counter, regretting the fact that I agreed to be the designated driver tonight. “He would’ve been so protective of her. He would’ve not asked me to sit down with them. That’s what is bothering me about tonight.”
“What do you mean?” Shawn continued to question.
“Shawn,” I emphasized his name. “She never told him about me. It’s like everything we had and went through never happened.”
“Isn’t that better though?” Shawn responded back. “Maybe it’s best if you both just… forget the past.” Forget the past? It was one thing to forget the bad moments of our relationship, but to completely forget about the past? Our past? Shawn orders another round of drinks, and i can’t help but mention the amount of alcohol he’s consuming tonight.
“Shawn, are you alright?” I genuinely asked Shawn, who’s now sipping on another glass of beer. “You’re drinking a lot tonight.”
“We’re at a bar, hyung,” Shawn mocked. “We’re suppose to drink at a bar.”
“You’ve never drank this much though,” I pointed out. “Is everything okay with Skylar and you?”
“Of course,” Shawn quickly answered. “We’re in a great place in our relationship.” Shawn looks back at his glass and pushes it away. His face is flushed; he’s definitely had way too much to drink.
“Then what’s going on? You’re only get this way when you ‘re stressed about something.” It began to click in my head. I knew Shawn well enough that when he’s serious about something, he gets anxious about it failing. He was the same way back in law school; Kevin and I had to drag him out of local bars nights before a big exam or mock trail. I wish I was able to notice it sooner, maybe then I could’ve stopped all this back-to-back drinking he’s down tonight. “Are you nervous about the trip back home to Seoul?”
“Hyung,” Shawn scoffed. “Why would I be nervous to go back home? I’m already here in Korea.”
“Because you’re here with your American girlfriend to introduce her to your native Korean family,” I admitted, crossing my arms across my chest. “You’ve ben acting weird ever since you came back to Korea; are you nervous about that?” I guess Shawn finally let his guard down because the worry is now transparent on his face.
“Jamie,” Shawn said in a whisper-like tone. “What if my family doesn’t like her? They already have a strong opinion about my relationship with her.”
“They’ve told you this?” I asked. Shawn’s family were quiet people; they didn’t say much unless they knew you and were comfortable with you. Totally opposite of what Shawn is.
“No, but I did come back to Korea or me to just go back to America weeks later for a girl I had met a month prior,” Shawn recalled. “I left my life here in Korea to be with a woman in America. No job, no money; nothing. Of course they are going to have opinions about her and our relationship.”
“But you never cared about what your family thought about your relationships,” I reminded Shwan. Shawn didn’t date many women, but when he did, they were eccentric Korean women that definitely were not good for him. Despite his family having strong opinions about them, he would date them until he found out the truth behind these women on his own. “You would only want to care about your family’s opinion about your relationship if–” It finally clicked. I’ve just assumed that one day in the future, he’d consider it. I’ve joked about this, not knowing that it’s been circulating Shawn’s mind this whole time. “Shawn,” I said.
“What?” he looked at me and answered.
“Are you going to propose to Skylar in Korea?” I asked. I saw the color vanish from Shawn’s face. I couldn’t tell if he was going to vomit from all the alcohol he drank, or if I was right in thinking he was going to propose.
“I am,” Shawn confessed. “I bought the ring and everything. I was going to propose to her in Seoul.” I looked at Shawn, not really knowing what to say to him. Shawn was not serious about life. He was a carefree soul just going through the days one-by-one. I know that Shawn changed the moment he met Skylar. He met a woman that was his missing half in life; someone that understood him as a person but made him see life differently. I know the feeling all too well.
“Ya,” I scoffed, trying to not make it a big deal for Shawn. I didn’t want him to overthink the decision, but it wasn’t sitting right with me. “She hasn’t even met your family yet. Don’t you want to see if she fits in or not?” Shawn scrunched his eyebrows, clearly annoyed with my response.
“Of course she’s not going to fit in,” Shawn spat out. “She’s American.”
“You know what mean, Shawn,” I said. “Were you just going to have her meet your family and if all went well you were going to propose? That’s not how you’re going to get your family to accept her and your relationship.”
“My family is not like our family, Jamie,” Shawn raised his voice. “I don’t have to prove anything to him in order for me to make a decision about my own life. I don’t have to run to my sister or parents to get the approval of wanting to be with a woman!” Shawn was known to throw something at you if he felt threatened or judged for something he felt passionate about. This wasn’t the first time Shawn did this; talk about the influence my family had over me with decision making. Shawn knew that my family and my life here in krea was what held me back from staying in New York. I was angry, but disappointed that Shawn would go below the belt to make a point.
“You’re right,” I said. “They aren’t, but if their approval isn’t what you are seeking, then why is it so important to you that they get along with Skylar? Why are you going to Seoul two weeks earlier than planned when your sister is in town? Face it, Shawn. You want their approval to validate the decision. You want to make sure that you’re not making a decision based off of love, because it’s more than just love. Love isn’t going to bring your family to your wedding if they don’t approve your relationship with Skylar.” I began to get up from my seat; I was done being in this bar talking in circles with Shawn about Grace and SKylar and my damn past mistakes. I can’t take my mistakes back, but I am tired of having to relive them whenever I’m trying to look out for one of my brothers.
“That’s why things didn’t work out between Grace and I,” I continued to say. “Because people like us were not meant to be together. At the end of the day, our lives were too different.” Before I was able to turn away and leave Shawn, hr grabbed my arm. I turned around and saw the fear and desperation in his eyes. He was torn apart about all of this. He didn’t know what to do in this moment. It wasn’t my intention to give him second thoughts about being with Skylar, but Shawn is solely moving from love. I know Skylar will one day be his wife, but I don’t know if that should happen now; not when he and Skylar have to divide their time with the people people they love because the people they love used to love each other.
“Hyung, lease,” Shawn pleaded. “I love Skylar. So much. I can’t imagine my life without her. I want to marry her, I–” Shawn slurred his words and began to lean off of the chair he was sitting in. I didn’t even notice that he had finished the two drinks he ordered last. Fuck.
“Come on,” I grabbed Shawn my his arms and helped him walk towards the exit. “We gotta bring you home. You’re drunk.”
“Skylar’s gonna kill me, hyung,” Shawn said, almost inaudible at this point.
“Not before she kills me,” i added, helping Shawn to our car in the parking lot.
Letters From Liz. 