Month: November 2023

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: If You Feel Guilty, You’re Doing It Right.

liz

To be selfish and to feel guilty are universally two things that are meant to be negative. We as a society look down on selfishness; we think those who are selfish are incapable of caring about other people’s feelings, are narcissistic, and are all-around toxic human beings. We are taught at a young age to always be nice to people, and to the key to being a good person is being good to those around you, no matter what. We are taught to always do the right thing, even when it doesn’t always feel like we are truly doing the wrong thing for ourselves.

And then you grow up to be a people-pleaser, pleasing everyone around you because you were taught that was what made you a good person. Being selfish makes you a bad person, according to society. So when you find yourself putting your foot down to take care of your own well-being, knowing that what was ultimately bringing you down was the idea that you had to please everyone around you, you start to be labeled as selfish. Self-centered. Narcissistic, even. How do we live in a society that accepts self-love, but is so quick to call you selfish for doing just that? After a while, you start to feel guilty for the decisions you make. You think that every decision you make for yourself and what you may possibly need to do for yourself is considered selfish.

If you feel guilty for making decisions depending on what you want and need out of life, then you are doing it right.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning that feeling guilty for being selfish with yourself does not make you a bad person.

A couple of weeks ago, I went into my therapy session talking about all the fun and amazing things I’ve been doing lately. I told my therapist that I went to a taping of The Kelly Clarkson Show back in October, and I even went to my first adult Halloween party and wasn’t severely anxious. She was happy for me, telling me that I was now doing the things I told her all of these years I eventually wanted to do when I was ready. In true Cathy-fashion, she asked me what do I think was the shift in me; when do I think was the changing point in which I felt like I was ready to do these things and not second guess myself doing them?

I told her it was when I stopped feeling guilty for doing things for myself, for the intent of making myself happy.

The thing about being in a transitional phase of your life is that you will feel guilty for leaving the people that you have been with when you were stagnant. The people that met you in the time of your life before your transitional phase begin to see your progress as abandonment to their relationship with them. People will be happy for you because they should be, it makes them look like a good person. But, they will make sure that you know that while you’re bettering yourself, you’re leaving them behind.

I felt guilty for most of the decisions I made; going to concerts by myself, going out for the night with friends and staying off the internet as much as possible doing so. My life was not only transitioning emotionally and physically, but it was also transitioning to be in a more present state of mind. That didn’t include my online persona anymore.

I felt guilty for showing up for myself first instead of showing up for others, pleasing those who were stuck viewing me as I once was.

I had to learn that the guilt didn’t come from me making bad decisions; how is showing up for yourself a bad decision? The guilt, however, came from the influence of society’s view of what it meant to be a good person. Put others first. Be considerate of other people’s feelings despite how much they contrast from your own. Always show up for people and attend to them before you do the same for yourself. I was constantly being told I had to do things and be a certain way to be liked and to keep people in my life, despite how I felt or what I was personally going through.

And let’s get one thing straight: I am not bitter nor am I saying the people around me needed to respect and understand my transitional phase. As I get older, I am learning that not everyone will see things the way I do or react to things the way I do. Some will, most will not.

But one thing that should be universally understood is that any steps made towards being a better version of yourself should be accepting. We shouldn’t feel guilty for letting things that do not serve us anymore go or simply doing things that nurtures our soul.

It’s why I ultimately let penpal writing go for good after doing it for two years. Granted, I should’ve stopped doing it a year ago when I fell out of love with the hobby, but the level of guilt for leaving people behind and letting go a part of my identity was too strong for me to do it sooner. Sure, I still have some guilt behind the decision, but my soul feels lighter. It feels excited to fill in that spot with something that truly excites me. I know eventually the guilt will go away, as it did for everything else I left behind this past year, and I know that in the end it was the right decision.

Because like I said: if you are feeling guilty for doing something for yourself, it means you are doing whatever you doing right.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

A Different Type of Normal: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

Life at Waverly High was so much different than it was when I first started back in September. For one, it has been one of the coldest winters to date, and traveling to and from school have been one of the bigger challenges. Long gone were the days that I was able to simply walk a couple of blocks to school, barely feeling the cold hit my skin. Maybe it was because the city had all these big skyscrapers covering the little sun that comes out these days; it just felt colder whenever I had to go to school.

Thankfully today was just a little warmer than usual, and the school day was going by quickly. It was already lunchtime, and I was sitting at the usual table I always sat at, eating the lunch that my mum packed for me the night before. And right on cue, I see a lunch tray placed in front of me; it’s Milo.

“Hey, Scout,” Milo greeted as he sat across from me at the table. He immediately gave me the muffin off of his tray while I gave him the bag of chips my mom packed for me. It was our thing; I don’t really like potato chips, but I don’t tell my mom because the chips always go to Milo. She just thinks I really like them. “How’s your day going so far?”

“Surprisingly quick for a Monday,” I said, eating the muffin in front of me. “I have this huge chemistry exam next week though. I’m afraid that I might not pass it.”

“Of course, you’ll pass it,” Milo reassured as he continued to eat the chips. “It’s the seniors in that class that have to worry about passing.” He leaned forward before changing the subject. “You need a study buddy?”

“How are you going to study chemistry with me? You don’t even take chemistry,” I laughed, thinking it was cute.

“I could study something else, like math or biology,” Milo insisted.

“Something tells me that you are not going to be a good study buddy,” I teased, ruffling his hair before laughing. Milo huffed and leaned back in his seat in a defeatist way. “What we could study is this new song we have to play for the banquet in a couple of weeks.”

“Don’t remind me,” Milo sighed. “The vocal ensemble is also performing that day.” Knowing Milo well enough meant that he never really meant what he said when it came to performances as a dual major. I know Milo enjoyed the work and the performances, but I also knew he enjoyed having the title of being a dual major. I will let him vent about the hard work behind being two pleases at the same time, but I know he wouldn’t trade his title for anything.

“I feel like Mr. Harrison and Mr. Kamalani are always collaborating on performances,” I joked, trying to be the one to make Milo laugh now. Instead, Milo rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Vocal doesn’t have to do everything that the band does,” Milo responded, clearly not looking forward to the vocal performance. “It’s like my dad knows when to put more work on me.” I scrunched my nose at Milo’s response. Sometimes, I didn’t agree with Milo’s belief about his dad. His dad is only doing what he’s supposed to do to further support Milo and his dreams.

Some of us have fathers who only think for themselves, not being around to even know our dreams to support them in the first place.

“You’ll do great,” I reassured Milo, keeping my thoughts to myself.

…

During passing, I walked down the hallway with all of the other students going to their next class. I had enough time to use the bathroom before my band class; the bathroom was close to my class anyway. I walked in and looked at myself in the mirror. I took my brush out to comb my hair after it got messy being in a bun for gym class.

A couple of other girls came and went into the bathroom to use it, but one girl walked up to the mirror next to me, looking at herself in the mirror. It was Mollie.

Mollie still made me extremely nervous whenever she was around. These days, she doesn’t bother me; or maybe I don’t bother her anymore. Needless to say, there are days that she exists since she and Milo don’t talk anymore. That’s another different type of normal these days. I couldn’t understand how someone that you’ve known for most of your life would just cut you off because of someone they were dating. You hear things like this happening in those cringe TV sitcoms about best friends. I always thought Milo and Mollie were different.

I snap out of thought when Mollie rips the paper towel from the dispenser in front of me. I couldn’t help but jump in place. I look at Mollie who immediately rolls her eyes.

“S-sorry,” I said nervously, not even knowing why I was apologizing to Mollie. She didn’t say anything back. Her phone started to ring and she immediately picked it up, a smile now on her face. I tried to not look at her or not have her notice I was looking at her as I washed my hands.

“Hey babe,” she greeted over the phone. It must be Aaron. “Yeah, after school I’m free for practice.” Mollie laughed over the phone as she washed her hands. “I’ll see you in vocal.” She hung up the phone and noticed me looking at her. “Why are you all in my business?”

“I’m just washing my hands,” I said, looking down at the water hitting my hands. Clearly, she didn’t believe me.

“You looking at me like you’re lost,” Mollie said as she fixed her hair. “Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not gonna find Milo in the girl’s bathroom.”

“What?” I asked, not really understanding where Mollie was going with this.

“I’m just saying you look a little lost,” Mollie said. “I’m assuming it’s because you don’t have a mind of your own and need Milo to guide you around like a puppy.” I finally looked at Mollie, annoyed at her comment. I wasn’t Milo’s “lost puppy”, I was his friend; something that she clearly hasn’t been for quite some time now. I looked down at my bag before closing it with the zipper.

“At least I’m not on the phone with him the second he walks away,” I said under my breath but loud enough so that Mollie knew what I was saying.

“What did you say?” Mollie spat back, now directly looking at me with her body facing toward me. I didn’t say anything back; the warning bell rang and a hall monitor was already shouting in the girl’s bathroom to go to class. I walked passed Mollie, not wanting to deal with her anymore. I didn’t understand why Mollie still had issues with me being Milo’s friend when she clearly wasn’t being one to him.

I looked up to see Mollie walk out of the bathroom and toward Aaron. She smiled at him as he put his arm around her as they walked down the hallway. I couldn’t help but feel jealous at the way Aaron wasn’t afraid to show how much he liked Mollie. He showed his affection no matter where they were in the school; I can only imagine just how good that makes Mollie feel. Why do I feel so jealous of Mollie and Aaron’s relationship even after knowing it ruined Milo’s friendship with his best friend.

These were the different types of normal we had at Waverly High these days, and I’m not sure if I like it.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Repeating Black Sheepistory: A Micah Monologue.

liz

I was tired of bitches. Yeah, bitches. It’s not like I hate women, but I despise women that acted like bitches. Rosie acted like a bitch, which is something I didn’t think she could ever be. Rosie wasn’t catty, or entitled like other bitches. All she did was draw, not give a shit about her image, and kept to herself. So what made Rosie turn into a bitch? She allowed someone to mold her into one. She wasn’t just Rosie anymore; she was someone’s bitch. She was better than being someone’s bitch, especially if that someone was a bitch himself.

I dreaded going into the bookstore to buy my books for my classes, but I’m glad it’s done. I don’t ever have to step foot into that place and I never have to see Rosie on campus again.

Until I did.

I entered the classroom and sat in a seat that was toward the back. This was the last elective I needed to take before I was able to finally focus on my major classes. Tanner took this class his first semester with the same professor and said it would be the “easiest A I’d get”. Nothing was ever easy for me.

I took my phone and saw that Kalia tried calling me before she left a message. I was mad at her; she was here one day, wanting to work things out with me and on our relationship, the next day she was on the plane for a press tour for her new movie. I wasn’t mad at her for having to do her job; I was mad that she chose her job over me once again. Everything was disposable when it came to me.

Before I was able to read Kalia’s message, Dani called my phone. I picked up the phone before class would officially start.

“Yo,” I answered the phone. “What’s up?”

“You’re still coming to rehearsal for Tanner’s gig, right?” Dani asked, going straight to the point. “You know you are the sound engineer for his performance and you canceled on us twice.”

“Yeah, I’m coming,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Are you sure? Like Tanner is your bro,” Dani emphasized. “The last time you canceled was before you were with your on and off again fling, Kalia.”

“Yeah, well, now she’s back in Sweden doing her movie gig shit and I’m free, so I’ll see you guys in rehearsal later,” I said and quickly hung up the phone. I rolled my eyes and took out my notebook as the professor and the last of the other students walked in. One of them sat in the empty seat next to me; a girl.

“Good afternoon, class,” the professor greeted. “Welcome to the introductory level of performance art.” He began to hand out the syllabus to the students in the class. He handed the two copies of the syllabus to me; I took one and handed it over to the girl sitting next to me. She finally looked up and was mortified. I can’t say I wasn’t completely speechless.

“Rosie?” I just said, trying to see if this was actually the Rosie I just saw at the bookstore no longer than 30 minutes ago. She quickly turned around and raised her hand. The professor points at her.

“Professor Ramirez, are these going to be our permanent seats for the semester?” Rosie asked.

“I’m glad you mentioned that,” Professor Ramirez said, sitting on top of the desk in front. “You see, art comes in many forms, and depending on the decisions you make, you are faced with challenges that you didn’t know would impact the effect of other decisions you’ll make in your art.” He gets up and walks around the room. “You all chose the seat you are in because you wanted to be in that specific seat for this class. With that being said, your final project for this class requires you to work with the person you are sitting next to today.”

“What?” I said out loud, not realizing that I said it loud enough for Professor Ramirez to hear me.

“Yeah,” he answered back. “Which now brings us to our first assignment of the class. Everyone, please get acquainted with the person the universe decided to pair you up with.” I looked at Rosie, who rolled her eyes and continued to doodle in her notebook, avoiding me. Wile everyone in the class was talking to the person next to them, Rosie refused to say anything to me.

“Rosie,” I called out for her, annoyed at this point. “We got shit we gotta do for this class.” Of course, Rosie was being a bitch, and she didn’t answer or seemed to listen to anything I was telling her. “Yo, Rosie!”

“What?” Rosie finally answered, annoyed.

“Isn’t this class one of your requirements toward your major?” I mentioned. I knew it was, even though she didn’t say anything. “With all due respect, you are the last person I want to work on this dumb ass project with, but I am not going to let ou or this petty drama fuck up my grade for this class. I’m trying to graduate on time-“

“Tell someone who cares, Micah,” Rosie interrupted, not looking up from her notebook as she doodled. I placed my hand over her notebook; that seemed to get her attention. “Move.”

“You should be looking to graduate on time too if you’re getting financial aid to pay for your classes, or are you gonna depend on Prescott Jones to pay your tuition bills?” I spat out, not caring if it got on Rosie’s nerves or not.

“Fuck you, Micah,” Rosie spat back, yanking the book from under my hand.

“Whatever, Rosie,” I said, not even phased anymore. We both looked up at Professor Ramirez, who is now calling us out in front of the class.

“Excuse me; Kamalani, Delgado,” he began to say. “You are not the only two students in this class, please try to keep it between the two of you.” We both stood quiet, not wanting to look at her or really be in the same room as her anymore. I should just drop this fucking class, for real.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

It’s Always Something With You: A Grace Monologue.

liz

“Bam! UNO, baby!” Skylar yells as she threw her last card on top of the deck of cards. Sahim sucked his teeth and tossed his cards on the table. I couldn’t help but laugh at Sahim being so competitive; it was kind of cute in a way.

“How the hell are you so good at UNO?” Sahim asked as he gathered the cards on the table.

“Well without getting too figurative: I’m good at playing games,” Skylar bragged, getting up from the table to grab another game behind her. “Y’all trying to get bankrupted in Monopoly?” Before Sahim answered, his phone buzzed on the table. I couldn’t help but look at the screen, and then at Skylar. Fuck; she totally caught me looking at his screen. Sahim picked up the phone to look at the screen.

“As tempting as that offer sounds, I actually have to get going,” Sahim said before looking at me. “Sonia wants the tech crew to rewire the venue lights in the morning before tomorrow’s show.”

“What time?” I said, hoping it wasn’t too early. I actually wanted to spend some time with Sahim before tomorrow’s second show of the production.

“7,” Sahim answered as he got up to get his things from a chair. Well that idea is out the window… “What time do dancers have to be at rehearsal?” he asked.

“12:30, thank god,” I said, helping Slylar clean up the table. “I could sleep in just a little later than usual,” I teased Sahim. He laughed and smiled big as he did.

“Sleep-in, huh? So you’re not going to be at rehearsal on time?” Sahim sarcastically responded before he laughed. I nudged him on his shoulder.

“Such a comedian,” I deadpanned. Sahim’s smile never left his face. As he put his coat on, he looked over at Skylar who was finishing cleaning the table and putting all the various games away that the AirBnB came with. “Thank you for having us tonight, Skylar. I hope you and Shawn have a safe flight to Seoul.”

“Anytime, but you do know Grace is staying over, right?” Skylar pointed out. I looked over at Skylar, hoping she wasn’t insisting anything with her response. “So, she will be seeing you tomorrow at work.”

“Yes ma’am,” Sahim teased before looking back at me. I smiled at him as he smiled at me. “I’ll see you at rehearsal tomorrow.” Sahim kissed my forehead before saying goodbye to Skylar and leaving the small apartment. I knew that Skylar was going to say something as soon as Sahim left. Newsflash: she did.

“I had to let him know that you won’t be joining him in bed tonight,” Skylar finally said as she continued to clean. I rolled my eyes before sitting on the sofa in front of us.

“He knew I was staying here for the night,” I said as I looked through my phone.

“Mhm,” Skylar simply said as she walked past me. “Did he also know that Jamie is your ex-boyfriend?” I looked over at Skylar as she looked at me. “He was really cozy with Jamie when Shawn, you, and I were in the kitchen.”

“No, Sahim doesn’t know Jamie is my ex,” I admitted. “And I rather him not know, ever.”

“So you think he’s not going to ask you why Shawn and his friend didn’t stay to play games?” Skylar asked. “Sounds like you’re the one playing games.”

“The past is in the past, so why bring it up?” I defended my reasoning for not telling Sahim. What good did it do to tell Sahim? It wasn’t like Jamie was going to be around in the same places as Sahim anyway… although they have been in the same place twice now.

“I don’t know, maybe because something like tonight could play out again and he deserves to know,” Skylar crossed her arms, annoyed at me.

“Oh, like how Jamie mysteriously showed up at the opening night of my show?” I spat back, finally confessing what I saw that night.

“Why would Jamie be at the show? How would he even know about it?” Skylar questioned.

“I don’t know, maybe because our boyfriend is best friends with him,” I crossed my arms, mocking Skylar’s gestures. “Ask Shawn how Jamie got there. If I wasn’t s focused on the show, it could’ve ruined the entire number seeing him in the audience that night.”

“But you said it yourself, why does it matter what or where Jamie is? Aren’t you happy being with Sahim?” Skylar pointed out.

“I’m not with Sahim,” I quickly corrected. “We’re just going with the flow-“

“Grace,” Skylar interrupted me. “Are you still caught up in your feelings with Jamie? Is that why you don’t want to make things official with Sahim?” I was now angry at Skylar. Even after knowing everything I went through with that man, she insisted that I would let him get the best of my emotions. It made me think she thought was a weak-minded person. She doesn’t know the complete story; she only knows whatever I told her.

“No,” I began to say. “I don’t want to make things official with Sahim knowing that when this production ends, he goes back to where he lives and I’ll be going back to New York. I learned the first time to not date a man that you know won’t come back to you.” Skylar didn’t say anything; I assumed she felt shitty for what she said. I hate fighting with the people that I cared about the most; I feel like that’s all I knew to do with them. As I got older, I started to realize that I only had such a small handful of people that I actually cared about, and I was tired of fighting with them. As I get older, I’m healing from the wounds my younger self endured, but the scars are still visible on my body. “Sky, I know you mean well, but the way I do things now is not how I did them when was younger, or even when I was in California.”

“I’m sorry,” Skylar responded back, finally sitting next to me on the couch. “I just want you to be happy, and Sahim seems like he’s helped you be happier these days. Sure, you’re doing what you love to do, but I can see just how much he cares about you. I can see how much he already loves you as a person just by the way he looks at you. It’s how I knew Shawn loved me, way before he left California last summer.”

I couldn’t imagine Sahim already being in love with me, and if he was, it made me feel horrible. Another man to let down in the long run. There was no doubt that I really liked Sahim, but to love another man was something I didn’t think I would ever want to experience again. I want to love myself for once in my life.

“The difference is that Shawn made an effort to make things right,” I said more out loud than to Skylar. “He left, and came back. I don’t trust anyone to do the same for me.”

“Jamie did,” Sylar spat out. “Shit just happened, but he did come back because he loved you. Sahim would do the same; because people are capable of loving you.” I sighed, leaning back on the couch. I was done having this serious conversation; I just wanted to spend my last night with Skylar before she leaves.

“So, what is the story I’m going to tell about you and Shawn at your wedding during the reception?” I teased, looking over at Skylar. I laughed as she rolled her eyes, but at least she was smiling. She loved that man and even though she never mentioned marriage, she will say yes in a heartbeat. “Am I going to tell the one where you ditched me with my ex to go hook up with his friend after the night at The Voyage?”

“We didn’t hook up that night, smartass,” Skylar corrected before she started to laugh. “Remember when you came back to the condo and Shawn came running down the stairs in one of my robes?”

“Sky, he was terrified! The way I entered the condo; he probably thought he just was with someone else’s girl or some shit,” I laughed, recalling the memories with Skylar.

“I remember you had to pick that janky lock just to get in the damn place! Like girl, I did not hear you knock on that door, no matter how loud it was-” Before Skylar was able to finish her sentence, the front door of the apartment was being knocked on. The knocks were loud and frantic, which made both of us jump in place. Skylar got up from the couch to see who it was.

“Sky!” I whispered, calling out for her. “The fuck are you doing? We’re in a foreign country and you’re about to answer a banging door?!”

“Girl, it’s probably Shawn; he forgot to take the key when he left,” Skylar said as she proceeded to unlock the front door to open it. When she did, I didn’t expect to see what I saw on the other side of the door.

“Jamie?” Skylar said, clearly confused. She looked at Shawn in Jamie’s arms, clearly passed out. “Shawn?!”

It’s always something with you, I thought.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The New Normal: A Milo Monologue.

liz

Days in the treehouse were always brutal in the wintertime. I remember my dad told me he first went to the treehouse with my mom during the winter, and he wasn’t properly dressed for the cold. When he was my age, every electronic was either on a cord or needed 5,000 huge batteries in order for it to work. Thank god for things being wireless these days.

I walked up to the treehouse with a little portable heater in my backpack; I had taken it from Jennifer’s studio back at the house. I climbed up and sat in the treehouse, taking all of my supplies out of my bag.

I can’t lie; I was nervous to talk to Sophie. How could someone that you once felt so comfortable talking to and telling your secrets now feel like a complete stranger? I guess I was used to it with Mollie. I didn’t even feel bad leaving her house to come here; why was I celebrating someone’s birthday who didn’t care about my thoughts or how their actions made me feel? She wasn’t the same person I once called my best friend. She spent all of her time with Aaron; I don’t even think she shows up to dance rehearsal, according to Jennifer. That wasn’t like Mollie; I knew she loved to dance. The Mollie I knew loved to dance.

I started to hear some noise underneath the treehouse, which made me look out the window. I saw Sophie standing there, taking out her phone from her pocket.

“Scout,” I called out. Sophie looked up at me, answering to the nickname I gave her back in middle school. Even after not being on good terms with her, she still answered to the nickname. It made me smile. She began to climb up the ladder toward the treehouse; every step closer to the top made me more nervous. She finally got to the top and entered the treehouse. She was quiet, nothing like our time together before our huge fight the night of the showcase. I hate how that night panned out.

“You’re not cold?” Sophie asked me once we saw me wearing just a hoodie and a light jacket. The truth is I was, and I hated that I took the wrong jacket before leaving my house. I blamed Mollie for getting me angry before I left.

“I’m okay,” I said, adjusting so that Sophie could sit comfortably in the treehouse. We didn’t say much at first; I think the both of us were not sure how to bring up what happened that night, but I think it hurt me more to not be on speaking terms with someone that has come to be my only friend at this point. “Thanks for meeting with me, by the way.”

“Yeah,” Sophie said back, playing with the string attached to her coat. I knew she was nervous when she felt the need to play with any small object during a serious conversation. I would remind her to stop picking at her nails or pulling on tags or strings when she did. I guess she didn’t realize she was doing it, and this time was no different. I placed my hand on top of hers, stopping her from pulling at her coat string any longer. She looked at me before I quickly yanked my arm away, feeling embarrassed. I couldn’t help it; it was more so a reflex than a nice gesture at this point.

“I meant what I said over the phone,” I began to say. “I really am sorry for hurting your feelings and for putting you in a position you shouldn’t have been in. I shouldn’t have dragged you into my mess with Mollie.” I looked at Sophie for a quick second, but she didn’t seem to react to anything I was saying. I wanted her to know that I was genuine in the words I was saying; I really did miss her being such a big part of my days. I didn’t realize until it was taken away just how much Sophie’s company and friendship meant to me. I didn’t realize until it was too late that Sophie had seen me in the way that I saw her.

“It’s more than just you and Mollie, Milo,” Sophie finally began to say. “It’s the fact that you didn’t consider what I was going through that night being the first showcase. I was nervous, I was anticipating the audience leaving the auditorium when the strings came up on stage. I was sad that no one from my family could come to my first-ever showcase. I just felt like you glanced over that.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I defended. “But I know that doesn’t excuse how I acted towards you when I found out you and Aaron had a conversation. That guy is just bad news and I don’t want him to get to you or make you believe anything he says about the strings or–“

“You?” Sophie said, finally looking up at me. I didn’t know what to say; was it selfish to say yes? Was I that worried about Aaron taking another person that I cared about? Did I think Aaron was that persuasive to get someone to think badly of me? Yes. He’s done it with Mollie. She knew the answer when I didn’t say anything back. She sighed before she said anything. “I mean this in the nicest way, but not everything is about you, Milo. He was genuinely asking about Mollie and if she was okay.”

“I believe you,” I began to say. “I just felt hurt when you knew that Aaron and Mollie were dating and you didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t know fully until Mollie said something,” Sophie confessed. What? Why would Mollie tell her? “She was the one that pretty much confirmed they were dating.”

“Why though?” I questioned. Sophie’s face changed and she looked nervous to say. “Why would Mollie confirm something like that to you and not tell her best friend.”

“I don’t want this to be all about Mollie,” Sophie said, putting her foot down. “Why are we so worried about other people and not about each other? We’re supposed to be friends, right?” We’re supposed to be friends, right? It was kind of a relief that we didn’t have to bring up our feelings for each other, and I think she sensed that. Not talking about our feelings became the new normal for us, and I think this time it was even more serious since in reality, Sophie was now my only friend.

“Of course,” I answered. “Of course we’re friends.”

“Then let’s try to not let other people affect our friendship,” Sophie pleaded. “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings and for not telling you about what I knew. I just didn’t want to get caught up in drama that was not my business to begin with.”

Sophie was completely right, and I was happy that she was understanding get logical in the way she handled this situation. I know Sophie well enough to know that she would’ve preferred to not have known about Mollie and Aaron. She wasn’t trying to keep secrets from me; she was just trying to stay away from a situation that was just too deep to get involved with.

Stupid me got her into the situation, and I feel bad for doing so.

“You did nothing wrong,” I finally said, looking at Sophie. “You’re a good person for not spreading around anyone’s business like that, and that’s really all that matters.” Sophie smiled, appearing to be more comfortable in the treehouse. I couldn’t help but give her a hug. She tensed up as soon as I gave her the hug, but immediately melted into it, hugging me back even. “I missed you, Scout.”

“I missed you too, Milo,” Sophie responded. “I missed being in the treehouse with you.”

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something to be Considered: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

It was typical for a night at the bar to be like this: people sitting at tables grilling meat before they take a sip of their alcohol for the night. Shawn insisted we go straight to the bar for the drinks.

We sat near the end of the bar and right away, Shawn ordered us beers. I can tell Shawn has a lot on his mind; he’s not one to skip out on food before drinks.

“Ya,” I called out. “One of us has to drive tonight.” I pushed my beer to Shawn; he accepts the glass without saying anything. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Shawn quickly said before he sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about tonight, hyung. I didn’t know that Skylar had made plans with–“

“I know–” I began to say, but Shawn kept talking.

“Grace,” Shawn finished his sentence. I tried to not react to her name; I really didn’t want Shawn to assume that she still had some sort of impact on me. Shawn laughed and shook his head, taking a sip of the beer. “You gotta get over it.”

“Get over what?” I asked, annoyed at Shawn at this point.

“Grace, hyung,” Shawn looked up at me, now seeming more serious. “Do you know how exhausting it is for Skylar and I having to walk on eggshells because you guys seem to not be over it already?”

“I don’t know who told you that I wasn’t over it,” I began to say. It was pissing me off that Shawn would assume such nonsense. “But let you hear it from me: I’m over it. Her. everything about that crazy time.” I hate that I was able to talk down on such an important time in my life.

“Then act like it,” Shawn spat out before ordering another round of drinks. “You have a girlfriend for God’s sake.”

“Were is this coming from?” I questioned, truly wanting to know the answer. Shawn was so hostile. What was discussed in the kitchen between the three of them? “The plan was for you, Sylar, and I to have a cordial night, and I agreed to doing just that. Grace being there with her boy toy was not on the list of plans I had for tonight.” Shawn’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I know about Sahim.”

“Hyung, I swear I never hung out with them before; I mean we all went out after the show but that was it!” Shawn explained as his hard demanor now softened up.

“Ya, I don’t care if you did or not,” I said, sucked my teeth. “You’re Skylar’s boyfriend, and she’s going to want you to be around if Grace is… with Sahim.” Sahim. What kind of name was that? How did they even meet? I can’t help but think about the conversation I had with Sahim in the living room earlier tonight. Something bothered me about the conversation. “He seems like a nice guy.” Shawn looked shocked, expecting me to say something bad about Sahim like a typical ex-boyfriend.

“He’s cool,” Shawn simply said, taking a big gulp of the beer left in his cup. He’s drinking a lot more than I expected. Nothing is said after that, and I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore.

“I actually spoke to him when you and Skylar were in the kitchen with Grace,” I recalled, playing with the napkin in front of me. Shawn looked at me, listening. I looked at him and sighed. “He introduced himself to me, and then introduced me to Grace.”

“What?” Shawn said, confused.

“He didn’t know who I was, Shawn,” I emphasized, shifting in my seat. I look at the drinks behind the counter, regretting the fact that I agreed to be the designated driver tonight. “He would’ve been so protective of her. He would’ve not asked me to sit down with them. That’s what is bothering me about tonight.”

“What do you mean?” Shawn continued to question.

“Shawn,” I emphasized his name. “She never told him about me. It’s like everything we had and went through never happened.”

“Isn’t that better though?” Shawn responded back. “Maybe it’s best if you both just… forget the past.” Forget the past? It was one thing to forget the bad moments of our relationship, but to completely forget about the past? Our past? Shawn orders another round of drinks, and i can’t help but mention the amount of alcohol he’s consuming tonight.

“Shawn, are you alright?” I genuinely asked Shawn, who’s now sipping on another glass of beer. “You’re drinking a lot tonight.”

“We’re at a bar, hyung,” Shawn mocked. “We’re suppose to drink at a bar.”

“You’ve never drank this much though,” I pointed out. “Is everything okay with Skylar and you?”

“Of course,” Shawn quickly answered. “We’re in a great place in our relationship.” Shawn looks back at his glass and pushes it away. His face is flushed; he’s definitely had way too much to drink.

“Then what’s going on? You’re only get this way when you ‘re stressed about something.” It began to click in my head. I knew Shawn well enough that when he’s serious about something, he gets anxious about it failing. He was the same way back in law school; Kevin and I had to drag him out of local bars nights before a big exam or mock trail. I wish I was able to notice it sooner, maybe then I could’ve stopped all this back-to-back drinking he’s down tonight. “Are you nervous about the trip back home to Seoul?”

“Hyung,” Shawn scoffed. “Why would I be nervous to go back home? I’m already here in Korea.”

“Because you’re here with your American girlfriend to introduce her to your native Korean family,” I admitted, crossing my arms across my chest. “You’ve ben acting weird ever since you came back to Korea; are you nervous about that?” I guess Shawn finally let his guard down because the worry is now transparent on his face.

“Jamie,” Shawn said in a whisper-like tone. “What if my family doesn’t like her? They already have a strong opinion about my relationship with her.”

“They’ve told you this?” I asked. Shawn’s family were quiet people; they didn’t say much unless they knew you and were comfortable with you. Totally opposite of what Shawn is.

“No, but I did come back to Korea or me to just go back to America weeks later for a girl I had met a month prior,” Shawn recalled. “I left my life here in Korea to be with a woman in America. No job, no money; nothing. Of course they are going to have opinions about her and our relationship.”

“But you never cared about what your family thought about your relationships,” I reminded Shwan. Shawn didn’t date many women, but when he did, they were eccentric Korean women that definitely were not good for him. Despite his family having strong opinions about them, he would date them until he found out the truth behind these women on his own. “You would only want to care about your family’s opinion about your relationship if–” It finally clicked. I’ve just assumed that one day in the future, he’d consider it. I’ve joked about this, not knowing that it’s been circulating Shawn’s mind this whole time. “Shawn,” I said.

“What?” he looked at me and answered.

“Are you going to propose to Skylar in Korea?” I asked. I saw the color vanish from Shawn’s face. I couldn’t tell if he was going to vomit from all the alcohol he drank, or if I was right in thinking he was going to propose.

“I am,” Shawn confessed. “I bought the ring and everything. I was going to propose to her in Seoul.” I looked at Shawn, not really knowing what to say to him. Shawn was not serious about life. He was a carefree soul just going through the days one-by-one. I know that Shawn changed the moment he met Skylar. He met a woman that was his missing half in life; someone that understood him as a person but made him see life differently. I know the feeling all too well.

“Ya,” I scoffed, trying to not make it a big deal for Shawn. I didn’t want him to overthink the decision, but it wasn’t sitting right with me. “She hasn’t even met your family yet. Don’t you want to see if she fits in or not?” Shawn scrunched his eyebrows, clearly annoyed with my response.

“Of course she’s not going to fit in,” Shawn spat out. “She’s American.”

“You know what mean, Shawn,” I said. “Were you just going to have her meet your family and if all went well you were going to propose? That’s not how you’re going to get your family to accept her and your relationship.”

“My family is not like our family, Jamie,” Shawn raised his voice. “I don’t have to prove anything to him in order for me to make a decision about my own life. I don’t have to run to my sister or parents to get the approval of wanting to be with a woman!” Shawn was known to throw something at you if he felt threatened or judged for something he felt passionate about. This wasn’t the first time Shawn did this; talk about the influence my family had over me with decision making. Shawn knew that my family and my life here in krea was what held me back from staying in New York. I was angry, but disappointed that Shawn would go below the belt to make a point.

“You’re right,” I said. “They aren’t, but if their approval isn’t what you are seeking, then why is it so important to you that they get along with Skylar? Why are you going to Seoul two weeks earlier than planned when your sister is in town? Face it, Shawn. You want their approval to validate the decision. You want to make sure that you’re not making a decision based off of love, because it’s more than just love. Love isn’t going to bring your family to your wedding if they don’t approve your relationship with Skylar.” I began to get up from my seat; I was done being in this bar talking in circles with Shawn about Grace and SKylar and my damn past mistakes. I can’t take my mistakes back, but I am tired of having to relive them whenever I’m trying to look out for one of my brothers.

“That’s why things didn’t work out between Grace and I,” I continued to say. “Because people like us were not meant to be together. At the end of the day, our lives were too different.” Before I was able to turn away and leave Shawn, hr grabbed my arm. I turned around and saw the fear and desperation in his eyes. He was torn apart about all of this. He didn’t know what to do in this moment. It wasn’t my intention to give him second thoughts about being with Skylar, but Shawn is solely moving from love. I know Skylar will one day be his wife, but I don’t know if that should happen now; not when he and Skylar have to divide their time with the people people they love because the people they love used to love each other.

“Hyung, lease,” Shawn pleaded. “I love Skylar. So much. I can’t imagine my life without her. I want to marry her, I–” Shawn slurred his words and began to lean off of the chair he was sitting in. I didn’t even notice that he had finished the two drinks he ordered last. Fuck.

“Come on,” I grabbed Shawn my his arms and helped him walk towards the exit. “We gotta bring you home. You’re drunk.”

“Skylar’s gonna kill me, hyung,” Shawn said, almost inaudible at this point.

“Not before she kills me,” i added, helping Shawn to our car in the parking lot.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Chapter Eight, ‘The Peaceful Era’.

liz

Picture this: It’s the end of a long workweek. You take off your work clothes and hop into something more cozy for the night after taking a hot shower. You look at your phone– at this point, it’s just habit– and see your social media followers post how their night is going on their IG stories. Some are at a small concert somewhere in the city. Some are posting boomerangs of the cute drinks they bought at a bar. Some are just hanging out with their friends, celebrating the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend. You don’t feel like you’re missing out on all the fun and cool things happening in the world, and you don’t feel the need to force anything you’re really not up for doing. You feel content. You feel okay. You feel… well, at peace.

What? Since when?

Well, I guess this is what it feels like. What chapter are we on now? Oh! Right. Chapter eight: peace.

Chapter Eight: Peace

It was a particularly cold and rainy April day, yet I felt like I needed to leave the house before I drowned in my thoughts. My eyes were puffy, and my head hurt; nothing I deemed as a coping skill was working. I have to go for a walk before I lose my mind. I walked for about 2 miles before deciding to sit in a Dunkin Donuts; of course, I bought myself a hot coffee and decided to write a blog post to distract myself. It didn’t work.

It wasn’t until I decided to walk home and listen to WOODZ’s new album that everything hit me at once. Why was I allowing other people’s actions to control my mental health? Why was I solely blaming myself for the failed friendships, making myself feel like I deserved all of the bad things happening to me, and telling myself that I was nothing but a bad person.

I was tired of feeling the way that I did, and I was tired of history repeating itself in stages of my life where I knew better. This time, I wanted to get over this funk differently. Instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim in everything happening, I wanted to change how I viewed my role in these situations and learn from it. It took some ups and downs to finally realize that I needed to change my mentality in order to live a peaceful life. I was simply tired of allowing myself to get sucked into feeling all these negative things and running from them when it got too hard.

By the summertime, I had set boundaries with the toxic traits embedded in me; traits that I knew were just a part of my psyche and too convoluted to understand and work through. I needed to accept the fact that I was not this perfect person with perfect character traits. I had to accept that some of my toxic traits played numerous roles in the clashing of both past and current relationships and friendships. The same way I would set boundaries with the toxic people in my life, I needed to do the same thing with my own toxic self.

I started eliminating the things that caused me to revert to my toxic traits. I started to restrict my time on social media platforms, filtering the context that made me feel anxious or impulsive (i.e blocking people I had falling outs with, muting stories and posts that were negative, etc). I stopped caring about what other people thought about me by doing things that made me feel good, and I (finally) stopped feeling guilty for doing things I wanted to do and doing them at my own pace.

I went to my second-ever Kpop concert. I went to a taping of The Kelly Clarkson Show. I went to a Halloween party. A Halloween party? Me? I know! Once I started to do things for myself without doubting whether or not I would be okay, I found myself being a very active and busy person. I wanted to do nothing but spend every night after work doing something fun just to celebrate the hard work I did that day. I wanted to go to every concert of every singer and band that I liked, even if I needed to travel to big venues and busy parts of New York City to attend them. I simply wanted to do things that nurtured my younger self, the one that spent decades second guessing everything their worth and their ability to do anything they wanted to do. It was about time I did things solely for the purpose of making the little me the happiest she could possibly be.

A time when things were simple. A time when I always felt at peace, before life got too complicated.

Perhaps this new era of my life is just about me closing a chapter of my life before 2024 comes and I turn 30. Maybe all of this soul-searching and practices to become a better person to myself is me wanting to end my 20s on a good note. I entered my 20s in a good place, and the years in between definitely were not the greatest, nor the easiest for me. I’ve been told for the longest time by women older than me that the 30s are your best years because something just clicks in your head. A lot of the things that were important to you, like vanity and people-pleasing and having huge friend groups, aren’t that important to you anymore. You develop your own style outside of what’s trending, you don’t say yes to everything if you truly feel uncomfortable doing them, and you start to realize and appreciate the things that you have versus wishing on the things that you want. I guess it finally clicked with me, and perhaps having a peaceful life simply comes with age and maturing. Maybe I’m finally maturing.

Whatever this era symbolizes or means in the long run, I just know that when I sit down, take a deep breath, and begin to reflect on this last year, I smile and simply say, “Finally”.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Yeah, Something Like That: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

I could see the utter panic in Shawn’s face. In Skylar’s face. In Grace’s face. The air was dense as if it was the middle of a hot, humid summer here in Korea. I tried to not give away the fact that I was also panicking standing at the doorway of Shawn and Skylar’s rented apartment for the time being. I tried to not stare at Grace whenever my eyes wandered around the room, but I couldn’t help myself. The last time I saw her this close-up was back in California, after our last meeting on the Santa Monica Boardwalk. We argued until the sun came up before going back to Korea the following week. She doesn’t feel like the same person I saw performing on stage all those weeks ago. She doesn’t even feel like the person I left behind in California.

“Babe,” Skylar finally said to Shawn. She was trying her hardest to force a smile on her face. I don’t blame her; this wasn’t supposed to happen tonight. “Can I talk to you for a quick second in the kitchen; now?” Shawn swallowed hard before walking away from me to follow Skylar into the kitchen. I didn’t move from where I was standing, nor did I say anything to Grace or to the man who was sitting next to her. Shawn mentioned that Grace moved on.., is this the guy she’s dating now? Who is he? Did he follow her here for work? I snapped back to reality when I saw the man shift in his seat to stand up and face me. Grace watched his every single move.

“Uhm, uh,” the guy began to say, clearly not knowing what to do or say in this situation. Does he know that I’m Grace’s ex? Is he about to play the new, protective boyfriend role? I know I did when Grace’s ex would come around with little be– with Grace’s daughter. “Annyeong, uhm,” he continued, bowing in place. He kept looking at Grace, but she refused to turn around and face me completely. I can only see the left side of her face, and her face is bright red looking at this man.

“My name is Sahim,” the guy slowly introduced himself, pointing at himself. “That is Grace,” he said as he pointed at Grace. She quickly turned her head to look at me. It didn’t last long; as expected. The guy, Sahim, looked nervous speaking to me. In a way, I kind of felt sorry for the man. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know much Korean.”

“Good thing I speak English then,” I said, nonchalantly in my best English-speaking voice. “It’s nice to meet you both; I’m Jamie,” I said back, realizing early on that Sahim has no idea who I am if he’s introducing Grace to me. Sahim took a deep breath of relief before he said anything further.

“Take a seat, man,” Sahim said invitingly. My eyes went straight to Grace, who quickly got up from her seat and faced Sahim.

“I should go and see what’s holding up Skylar and Shawn,” Grace said to Sahim. She walked into the kitchen area, never looking back toward my direction. I slowly walked into the living room area and sat in the seat across from Sahim. It seems like the three of them were in the middle of a game night.

“So do you also live in the U.S.?” Sahim asked.

“No,” I simply answered. “I live in Korea.”

“Oh,” Sahim reacted, still looking a little nervous. “I thought because since you know Shawn and Skylar, and they live in the U.S.” Is that his logic for asking me if I live in America? “You also speak English pretty well.”

“Thank you,” I politely said, not trying to be too hard on a man that has no idea who I was. It says more about Grace than it does about him. “Are you in Korea on vacation or something?”

“Nah; for work,” Sahim answered. I cocked an eyebrow up. Work? “I’m working on a production here; Grace, Skylar’s cousin, is also here for work as part of the production.”

“Oh, are you a dan– uhm, an actor?” I asked, trying to not give anything away. I’m not supposed to know Grace; remember that, Jamie.

“No, no,” Sahim laughed as he answered. “I work in the tech crew of a dance production. Grace is actually one of the dancers in it.” I couldn’t help but fixate on every time he mentioned her name and the way he would say it like they’d known each other for years or something. He said her name like a teenage boy whipped over his first love. I only know that because, well, I feel like I spoke about Grace in the same cadence as he does.

“Are you enjoying Korea so far?” I asked, trying to get off the topic of Grace.

“It’s a beautiful place,” Sahim answered. “We’re here for the next year, so I’m trying to learn more about the culture. Oh, and the language; I’m definitely looking forward to learning more of the language to communicate better.”

“Yeah,” I simply said just to fill the empty space in the room. “Korea is mainly a Korean-speaking country as a whole. Seoul is the city where you’ll find the most English-speaking people; Ulsan not so much.”

“I’ve definitely learned that the hard way,” Sahim mentioned before awkwardly laughing. “Thankfully, Grace is pretty fluent in Korean. She’s usually our translator whenever we all go out after work.” I nodded my head, needing to get out of this conversation before I made it obvious that I already had opinions about this man. It wasn’t fair to him, though; he is just another man tanged in the web that is Grace Ashmore. So why am I so bothered by the way he speaks about her so… freely?

“Excuse me, Sahim,” I said as I began to get up from my seat. “I’m going to go check on Shawn and Skylar and see if everything is alright.” Sahim nodded his head as I quickly turned around to walk toward the kitchen.

I walked into the kitchen in the middle of the conversation between Shawn, Skylar, and Grace. They all looked at me as I entered and quickly got quiet. Skylar is the first one to change her expression on her face. She tries to smile, and I respect her for trying to at least be cordial, but I know that Shawn is going to be in big trouble once they are left alone tonight.

“Jamie,” Skylar began to say. “I’m so sorry for the confusion about the night. Shawn and I should’ve communicated our plans better.” She looked at Shawn, who nervously grabbed the back of his neck.

“No, no; it’s really my fault,” I said to Skylar. I tried so hard to not look at Grace standing next to her cousin near the counter. My eyes couldn’t help but glance over at Grace. Surprisingly, her eyes were already on me when I looked at her. She starts to walk away from the three of us in the kitchen, not saying a word. “I should’ve assumed that you wanted to spend time with your family before you and Shawn left for Seoul.”

“Yeah, I did,” Skylar pointed out. “Not to be rude, but when I realized our time here was being cut short, I wasn’t thinking about being cordial with you. My cousin means more to me.”

“That’s completely understandable,” I stated. “I just wanted to be cordial for the sake of Shawn, who is more of a brother than a friend to me.” I looked over at Shawn, who still looked pale in the face. “I know how much this meant to him, and how much you mean to him.” Skylar’s face softened after my response. She said nothing else; it was Shawn who broke the silence in the kitchen.

“Jamie and I will go out for food and drinks,” Shawn compromised. “You should spend time with your cousin before we leave for Seoul.”

“I’m okay with that,” I said back, looking at Skylar. “I hope that we can have a proper sit down one of these days; possibly on a day that my girlfriend is not working.” What was I gaining by mentioning Haram to my ex-girlfriend’s cousin? Was I trying to prove to her that this little mishap wasn’t affecting me? Doesn’t it make it obvious that it is if I’m mentioning my girlfriend in this situation? Shawn quickly walked over to Skylar and kissed her on the cheek.

“I’ll be back by midnight, babe,” Shawn said to Skylar.

“Be safe,” Skylar said to Shawn, not looking at me. She walks out of the kitchen, leaving Shawn and I there. We both walk out of the kitchen and back to the living room so that we are able to leave the apartment.

By the time we got into the living room, Skylar was sitting down at the table with Sahim and Grace, shuffling cards. I looked at Shawn, who tries to find the words to say without adrupting leaving the apartment.

“We hope you guys have a good game night,” Shawn finally said, walking toward the front door. “Jamie and I are going to go out.”

“You’re not staying?” Sahim asked, looking at Shawn and me Shawn nervously smiled and laughed, not really knowing how to respond.

“We’re meeting up with a couple of our childhood friends,” I said, lying through my teeth to save Shawn.

“Yeah, something like that,” Shawn added. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at him. “It was nice seeing you guys; have a fun night!” Shawn opened the front door and walked out. I politely smiled. “It was good seeing you, Skylar.” I looked over at Sahim first. “It was nice meeting you, Sahim.” I looked at Grace; she hadn’t turned around since starting the card game. “You too, Grace.” She quickly turned around and nodded her head, following with a fake smile on her face. If this is what you want, then sure. I walked out of the apartment, closing the door behind me.