It was a cold, gloomy Monday morning in Ulsan. I don’t remember much of the past weekend besides catching up on all of the sleep I’ve missed in preparation for the production starting. Now that it officially started, rehearsals were more about cleaning up parts of the show that needed some polishing.
“Alright everyone,” the choreographer calls out for the dancers’ attention. “There were some hiccups in a couple of numbers on opening night, and I want to go over them before our next show this Wednesday. I need everyone to get in position for the “Idolize” number; it was good, but it could be great.” The dancers, including myself, get in position to start off the number.
The music starts and the curtain opens up; all of the dancers are in position for the finale number. I stood in my place, trying to not look out toward the audience too soon. I was angry. I was confused. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I know I messed up some parts of the solo number and I hate that I allowed Jamie’s presence to get to my head. I feel like an absolute fucking failure, but I needed to make up for it in this last number.
Once the song starts, we all stomp out of position and begin to dance. My eyebrows were scrunched together, and my dance moves were sharp and popped at every beat that it needed to be. Every time I got a chance to look out toward the audience, I saw him. He didn’t take his eyes off of me, and I didn’t take mine off of him unless I was looking away from the audience. Why the fuck is he here? Why wouldn’t Skylar tell me he was coming to the show? How did he even know about the show in the first place?
“Grace,” the choreographer called out and stopped the music. I looked up at her once I heard my name. “I’m going to need you to look present in this piece. Whatever you have going on up there needs to take a seat in the back. Focus.” I nodded my head, understanding her. The choreographer turned back around to face the mirror and counted the dancers into the number again. Through the mirror, I see Aimee look at me before getting back into her starting position. I feel my face getting hot and red now.
…
“Yeah? You had a snow day today?” I asked, talking on the phone with Willow as I gathered my things in the locker room after the rehearsal. “You must’ve had fun with Papa and Mariam.” I closed the locker after getting my things out of it, throwing my sweater on and putting my boots on before putting on my coat. “You have to get some sleep, sweetie. I’ll talk to you tomorrow my little snow angel.” I smiled and said my goodbyes to Willow before hanging up the phone. Once I walked out of the locker room, I noticed Sahim at the end of the hall talking to a couple of the other people in his production crew. He quickly noticed me standing at the end of the hall. He had a funny way of knowing when I wanted to see him.
He excuses himself and begins to walk in my direction. Ugh, butterflies every step he takes.
“Tiny Dancer,” Sahim finally says as he gets closer to me. “You’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m alright,” I said, letting out a loud sigh afterward. “Rehearsal was exhausting today.” I look at Sahim, and the smile he had on his face before isn’t there anymore. He looks worried for me.
“You did amazing for the opening show, so don’t bum yourself out for the minor things the choreographer is nitpicking,” Sahim reassured me as we began to walk down the hallway toward the elevator. “I mean, Pedro has been on our case about the sound of the music traveling to the back of the venue. He’s all like ‘I couldn’t hear anything back there’ not realizing the venue is completely covered in upholstery seating and carpet. Like dude, you should know this would be an issue.” Sahim rambled on before he looked down at me once more. “Sorry, that was just me going on a tangent. But the moral of the story is that we can’t stress out over the things that are out of our control. We just have to do our best.” I smiled at Sahim’s story.
“Thanks,” I simply said, watching the doors of the elevator open. We both walked into the elevator in silence, turning around to watch the doors of the elevator close. Once they closed, I immediately looked over at Sahim and began kissing him. He seemed pretty shocked at first, but I felt his body instantly go along with the kiss. His lips were addicting; they were soft and always had some chapstick on top of them, making the kiss not only feel good but taste good as well. Once we broke away from the kiss, Sahim kept his arms wrapped around me, keeping me close to his body.
“Sorry, I just… really wanted to do that after today,” I confessed to Sahim. “You always make everything feel better.” Sahim smiles at my response.
“To be honest, I didn’t know that it was just what I needed after a long day today as well,” Sahim replied back. “So, no need to apologize.” The elevator doors open at the lobby, and Sahim lets me go so that we are able to walk out toward the lobby.
“What do you have planned for the rest of the day?” Sahim asked.
“I’m not sure yet,” I answered. “Skylar leaves for Seoul in a couple of days, so I have to see her before she does.” Sahim nods his head. I looked down at my phone, and with perfect timing, I got a call from Skylar. I smiled. “Speak of the devil,” I said as I picked up. “Hey, Sky.”
“Hey Grace, whatcha doing?” Skylar said, cutting straight to the point.
“With Sahim; I just got out of rehearsal,” I answered, looking at Sahim.
“Did I call at a bad time? Are you two fucking or something?” Skylar asked, not holding back any of her intrusive thoughts. I just hope that she wasn’t loud enough for Sahim to overhear her.
“Sky, we just got out of rehearsal,” I clarified once more. “Why? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tonight; Shawn and I are leaving for Seoul a little earlier than we intended so I wanted to see you before we go,” Skylar explained. “Fuck it; bring Sahim with you too; the more the merrier!” I looked at Sahim and quickly walked away from him to get some privacy.
“I don’t think bringing Sahim around Shawn is a good idea,” I confessed to Skylar. “It just feels awkward.”
“Why? They seemed to get along just fine the last time we all hung out together,” Skylar pointed out. “I think it might all be in your head, Grace.” I squeezed my eyes shut, anxious at the situation. At this point, I’m not sure if Skylar knows that Jamie is in town, which means Shawn has probably seen him since they got here. I don’t want to bring anything up about it; clearly, I just want to live my life without having Jamie mentioned in any conversations. That’s hard when your cousin is dating his best friend. I sighed, walking back to where Sahim was standing.
“Yeah, I’ll ask him,” I said once I got closer to Sahim. “I’ll let you know what I do later,” I said goodbye to Skylar and hung up the phone. I looked at Sahim, sighing almost immediately.
“So,” I began to explain. “Skylar invited us to come over tonight. She and Shawn are leaving Ulsan earlier than I expected and she wants to see me before she goes.” Sahim looked surprised.
“Maybe you two should just hang out,” Sahim insisted. “Have a cousin night out one last time before she does.”
“She invited you because of Shawn,” I finally admitted, rolling my eyes. “She doesn’t want things to feel uneven or awkward.” Skylar was always the type of person who needed to have an even amount of people hanging out with each other. I don’t blame her; with an odd number of people in a group setting, one person is bound to feel left out, and Skylar hates for anyone to feel left out.
“Do you want me to come with you to Skylar’s tonight?” Sahim threw the question back at me. He always had a way of asking questions that made me think about what I wanted rather than what I wanted solely for other people’s purposes. It felt different than what I was used to. I sighed, thinking about what I really wanted to say before answering. I did want to spend the rest of the day with Sahim after this long rehearsal in the first place.
“I do,” I finally said, looking up at Sahim. “I actually wanted to spend the rest of the day with you after today’s rehearsal, but then Skylar is leaving soon so-“
“Then I’ll pick you up from your room by 7,” Sahim interrupted to confirm. I looked at him, trying to read the thoughts that roam through his mind whenever I tell him things outside of my comfort zone. I like how he doesn’t dwell on them or make me explain the meaning behind my words. He makes saying things and doing things easier. “I’ll see you then, Tiny Dancer.”
“See you then,” I said back, smiling as Sahim kissed my forehead. He starts to walk towards the front door in the lobby, exiting the building. Once he left, the smile immediately faded away from my face. Something is just not sitting right with me since that night.
Letters From Liz. 