“The dancers for the next number please be on standby,” Sahim calls through the intercom of the dressing room. I begin to get up from the vanity I’m sitting at to get ready to go backstage. Before I leave, Aimee walks up to me and grabs my arm.
“Yo, Grace,” Aimee says as I turn around to face her. “Whatcha doing tonight?”
“After rehearsal?” I asked before answering. “Probably just chill in my room, get ready for rehearsal again tomorrow.”
“Okay so here’s what you’re actually doing,” Aimee started as we began to walk out the dressing room with me. “We’re going to this dance club after the rehearsal with Maurice and a couple of other dancers. No drinking for obvious reasons, but we wanted to go out and celebrate the show opening up next week.”
“Why ask me if you already had an idea in mind about tonight?” I asked Aimee, clearly not amused with her antics. Aimee rolled her eyes at me.
“To be polite,” Aimee snapped back quickly. “But still, let’s go out with Maurice and the others and just have a good time! Just because we’re here for work doesn’t mean we can’y enjoy our time here.”
“I don’t know, Aimee,” I begin to say as we walked closer to the main stage. “I don’t know if I really want to spend my night in some club–” As soon as we turned the corner, we bump into Sahim who is behind the curtain with his equipment on his body. Sheesh, it looks heavy on him.
“Hey, ladies,” Sahim smiled as he greeted us. He directly looks at me and smiles even wider. “You’re on in 2 minutes for the ‘Before I Prosper’ number.”
“Thanks, Sahim,” Aimee answered before continuing with her question. “A bunch of us are going out tonight to the dance club to celebrate opening night next week. Grace is coming!” I looked at Aimee, not co-signing on this whatsoever. I looked at Sahim, smirking and crossing his arms along his chest.
“Grace? Out to a club?” Sahim teases and laughs. I can immediately feel my face get red. “That doesn’t sound like Grace at all.”
“Grace is in Korea,” Aimee emphasized. “She’s not gonna be the same person she was back in boring New York City!” I couldn’t get any words out in this moment and quite frankly, it was the safe thing to do when Aimee was running her mouth about something ridiculous. But, I enjoyed watching Sahim squirm in place, looking at me after every sentence that comes out of his mouth. He was adorable, but he was very transparent in what he was thinking.
“Well count me in, I can live by Grace’s philosophy of trying new things in a new country,” he answered to Aimee but kept eye contact with me the entire time. I felt giddy inside and kind of excited to go out to a club. I might as well make good memories with good people during my time here and if Sahim is a part of those moments, then they are bound to be great memories.
I smiled at Sahim before the director calls out for the next group of dancers to get on stage. While passing by Sahim, he whispers something into my ear.
“See you tonight, tiny dancer,” he said quickly as I walked by him. I felt my face get super hot. I walk onto the stage and look at Aimee standing in her spot. She definitely saw Sahim whisper in my ear since she is looking at me with a stupid grin on her face. I feel hot in the face and it won’t go away.
…
I walked out of the bathroom in Aimee’s room wearing a long sleeve dress with a princess cut on the top. It was green. Aimee and Maurice look at me and begin to shout and holler.
“Look at this baddie,” Aimee said, referring to my look. “She’s ready to fucking party.”
“She looks ready to do more than party with that Freakum dress on,” Maurice plays off of Aimee’s banter. Together they are force. “And I think I know who’s taking it off.”
“Stop,” I quickly shut down the thought. “I’m going out to celebrate the opening of the production next week.”
“Sweetie that ain’t stopping anybody wanting to get some tonight,” Maurice said and laughs out loud. Aimee agrees and laughs along with him as they hi-five each other.
“Why are you guys so obsessed about what Sahim and I do?” I asked the both of them. They look at each other before they look at me.
“Because you guys have been crushing on each other since we were in New York, ” Aimee begins to answer. “Anyone with two eyes can see that you guys are so into each other.”
“I mean, I’m not gonna say that Sahim isn’t attractive,” I began to say before Maurice and Aimee squeal like two teenage girls in high school. “But,” I continued to talk. “The last time I dated someone I was working with, I ended up with a daughter and single months later.”
“Girl, that’s in the past!” Maurice emphasized. “You were young and working at a law firm. You aren’t giving yourself enough credit that you are older and wiser. You deserve to be with a guy that is actually into you, and Sahim is into you.” A knock is heard on the front door of Aimee’s room. She gets up to answer it, which is one of the dancers in Aimee’s section. We all gather our things and head out to the nightclub.
…
We all enter the nightclub and are greeted by some of the other dancers and crew from the production. I guess this was more than just a night out with a small group. The lights are flashing along with the music playing, and the club is full of young people dancing along and having a good time. It was a good atmosphere to be in as a first time out at a club in Korea. Aimee and Maurice grab my hand and pull me towards the dance floor as soon as a song we knew began to play. I danced and laughed with them like I was back in college again with my friends. I don’t remember the last time I had a group of friends like this; friends that want you to have fun and have your back and make you feel like you are equal to them. I remember all of the friends I’ve had in my life, and nothing compares to how grateful I am to have met Aimee and Maurice at a time in my life where I felt alone. This is what friendship is suppose to feel like.
As I dance with my friends, I turn around and see Sahim walking toward our direction. I guess Maurice and Aimee noticed too, since I now have them both in my ear looking in the same direction as me.
“Girl,” Maurice reacted. “Sahim looking fine over there!”
“And I think he’s looking at you thinking the same thing,” Aimee added. I look at Sahim as he gets closer to us, and once he does, my friends make it very apparent that they are happy to see him here.
“Hey, Sahim!” Maurice calls out. Sahim laughs at Maurice’s approach. “We’re glad you made it tonight!”
“I’m glad I was convinced to come,” Sahim said as he looks at me. Sahim puts his hand into mine and slowly starts pulling me away from my friends. “Do you mind if I borrow her for a minute?” Aimee and Maurice look at each other before looking back at Sahim.
“You can take her for several,” Maurice began to say. “We don’t mind!” Both Maurice and Aimee said in unison and began to laugh. If you ever want someone to make anything obvious to someone, you can count on these two to make it obnoxiously obvious.
I walk away from my friends with Sahim; I can’t tell if it’s my palm that’s making this hand-holding a sweaty one, or if it’s his. Something tells me it’s mine; he would’ve pulled back if it was his. He turns around and talks loudly over the music playing.
“I know you don’t drink, so can I offer to buy you a nonalcoholic beverage?” Sahim asked.
“Of course you can,” I smiled as I answered. We walk toward the bar area and watch Sahim order two drinks.
“Two Roy Rogers,” Sahim confidently asked the bartender. The bartender nods and begins to make the drinks. This nightclub seemed to be popular with foreigners, so it was nice that the language barrier wasn’t an issue.
“You know if you want a real drink, you could totally get one,” I reassured Sahim. Normally, it would bother me that the people who know my sobriety would try to make it easier on me and order nonalcoholic drinks around me. At the beginning, it felt like a slap in the face that I was the reason why the people around me wouldn’t drink alcohol with me around. I understand how sobriety is for those who depended on alcohol to dissociate from reality, but just because I can’t casually drink without getting shitfaced and ruining my life, doesn’t mean everyone around me had to walk on eggshells in bar settings.
“Wanna know a little secret?” Sahim asked. I locked my eyes on him, waiting for him to spill. “I’m actually scared to drink in a foreign country.”
“I mean that’s reasonable,” I started to answer. “But you do know you’re technically living here for a year, right?”
“I don’t have to drink alcohol to feel good,” Sahim responded. The two drinks are now in front of us. Sahim thanks the bartender and takes a sip of his drink. “Especially when you’re around someone that makes you feel good.”
“And who would that someone be?” I teased. I loved seeing Sahim squirm whenever I flirted with him. It’s like he asks for it and then gets immediately shy when he gets it. It’s either that, or he already knows that I love seeing him smile.
“Just this tiny dancer,” Sahim flirted back. “I met her in New York and I couldn’t get her off my mind since.” Fuck. I asked for it, and now I’m immensely shy getting it back.
“Do you have a nickname for all of the dancers in the production?” I asked as I sipped on my drink. Who would’ve thought it be this fun flirting while drinking a mocktail?
“There’s dozens of dancers in it,” Sahim pointed out. “How could I possibly remember every single one of you guys?”
“You remember me,” I counteracted. I thought I had the upper hand in this until–
“You’re worth remembering,” Sahim quickly bounced back, making me completely speechless in the moment. Also, my face is now red; very red.
“Damn, for someone who works in tech, you sure do have a way with words,” I said as I leaned back on the bar chair, eyes locked on Sahim’s. “Did you write poetry back in college?”
“I actually did,” Sahim answered as he laughed. “I also very much enjoyed it.” I couldn’t help but laugh with Sahim. Spot on; back on top. “You must’ve done the same with your quick comebacks.”
“Nah,” I said, taking the last sip of my drink and then placed the glass on the bar counter. “I’m a natural-born dancer. I talk with my body.” Sahim chuckled to himself before stepping closer to me; I can smell the body wash on his skin. Warm Vanilla.
“What does your body say?” Sahim said towards my ear, and immediately I get goosebumps from the vibration of his voice against my eardrum.
“I don’t know,” I begin to say as I slide off the bar stool. I don’t break eye contact with Sahim until it’s nearly impossible to meet at his eye level.
I feel a wave of heat rushing through my body, like the circulation of my blood is rushing through every vein in my body. I can’t deny that Sahim and I have chemistry; clearly it’s apparent to more than just him and I. I like Sahim because he’s gentle, shy, but is straightforward with what he wants. I had a feeling Sahim had this crush on me way back during our rehearsals in New York, but I was too afraid to admit that I was feeling the same way. I don’t get the happy endings with the people I let into my life. I am known for ruining every good thing that happens to me. I was bound to think I was meant to be alone on the this world; not even my daughter helped with the loneliness I was meant to have.
But, maybe things are different. I’m different, older, and wiser. I have accepted that things in my past are meant to stay in the past. You are not the definition of your past experiences; they are a reflection of a person you once were is what Chelsea would tell me in therapy. I’ve worked so hard to be where I’m at currently; I’m in a foreign country to perform in one of the world’s best known dance productions with a group of people I have called my second famiy within the past couple of months of rehearsal. In this moment, me standing in the middle of a nightclub in Korea with Sahim, feels like the closest thing to home in a really long time. I didn’t even know I was capable of finding one again after everything that’s happened, but I know I deserve it just as much as the next person. I am worthy of goodness. I am worthy of feeling the butterflies in my stomach for a guy that I can see myself spending this year in Korea with.
I leaned towards his ear to finish what I was saying after standing up from my seat. “But she’s very talkative right now.” Sahim looks down at me and puts his hand out for me to grab. I grabbed it, and he then immediately walks me to the dance floor with him.
The lights are flashing and the bass of the current song hits against the speakers at the DJ booth. My hips move with the music, hitting every other beat that dancers tend to hear in music. Sahim softly places his hands on my hips as if he is listening to the music through the way my hips are moving. He begins to dance along with me, getting closer as the song continues to play. I placed my arms around his neck, looking up at him. Sahim’s award-winning smile is now an award-winning lip bite, and it’s now my new favorite thing that he does. I don’t see or hear anyone else besides Sahim in this moment; like this song and this dance floor was only meant for us.
I feel Sahim lower his head to touch my forehead as we continue to dance with each other. I can’t help myself anymore; I know I shouldn’t make things complicated by wanting to do this with a man I work with, but the longer I wait to do it, the more it eats me up inside. You deserve this.
I grabbed Sahim’s neck with my hands and slide them up to tangle my fingers in his curly hair. I lift my head and meet his lips with my own. I closed my eyes and kissed him; it wasn’t long after that Sahim started to kiss me back. Fuck. I can’t stop this now. I’m in too deep, and even then I want to get deeper. At this point, we stopped dancing and continued to make out on the dance floor. His lips are soft, even when I bite down on them. Before we finally pull away from each other, he gets his way and pulls on my bottom lips slowly with his teeth. When they snap back into place, Sahim bites down on his own tongue and chuckles as he smiles at me.
I can’t help but kiss him some more.
Letters From Liz. 