The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 3: A Little Bit Longer: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

I let out a deep breath as I stand in line with my bandmates in the strings section. I nervously bounce my leg in place, waiting for Mr. Harrison to walk us onto the stage. I hear the audience clap for the performance before us, followed by the stage curtain to the backstage flip open. Two teens walk out with Aaron; it seems thrilled after his showcase performance. Mollie follows the boys afterwards, noticeably looking down towards the ground.

“Sophie!” I hear a boy’s voice call out my name. Thankfully, it wasn’t Milo, but surprisingly it was Allen.

“What’s up?” I asked as he shimmered his way down the line next to me.

“I just wanted to wish you good luck on the solo tonight,” he said, faintly smiling as he spoke. “I know I was against this whole thing but, it’s pretty exciting to be performing at a dual major showcase.” I nodded my head, hoping that the conversation ended there. It didn’t.

“Thanks, Allen,” I said, turning around back in place with my violin. I heard him clear his throat before he said anything else. I turned around, looking at him as if he had something to say to me.

“I know this will probably be our last time doing something like this, but I have to admit…” Allen took in a deep breath before he continued. “I think this is the first time this school year that I actually felt proud being in the strings ensemble.”

“Same here,” I faintly smiled, agreeing with Allen. “It’s definitely a change of scenery from the band room, right?”

“I just hope we could keep this momentum,” Allen commented, seeing a bit worried. “All I want is to get the same opportunities as the other majors in Waverly.” I nodded my head, agreeing with every word that Allen says. It was true; just seeing our individual names listed on the program felt good. It felt good to get some recognition after constantly being in the shadows of the other majors here at Waverly. Sure, half of that was because of Milo considering us to be in his showcase, but its because of us that we even were glanced at by a dual major… even if that dual major was the boy that I’m hopelessly in love with.

It hurt the longer I waited to speak up. The uncertainty in everything has tainted any sort of innocence Milo and I had. We were no longer just two middle schoolers working on a final project with each other. We were… two high school freshmen that aren’t in a relationship, yet did what we did in that treehouse. My relationship with Milo was complicated now, and I don’t know how to feel knowing that it will never be what it was with Milo again. He doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend. If he did, he would’ve asked me out months ago…

“We will,” I finally said to Allen, smiling at him. He smiled back at me, as if it was that exact moment that he realized I understood what it was like to feel like him. I understood what every strings bandmate felt like. For once, I was excited for us, not just Milo getting the standing ovation.

We finally begin walking onto the stage, behind the curtain that separates us from the audience. This will be the first time that tons of people will watch us. This will probably be the first time that a lot of Waverly students realize that we’re here. This is the first time we are finally being seen. Of course, I thank Milo for giving us this opportunity, but I thank us for being able to do what we’re about to do. I am my own person outside of Milo. My talents are more than just Milo’s to showcase.

I took a quick glance at Milo, frantically trying to get everything into place before the showcase begins. He doesn’t even look over to me to wish me good luck; not even a smile in my direction. I wonder if this was all just something Milo did to get his way. What if I was just a pawn in his game? What if everything that has happened was because he simply just wanted it in the moment? What if I thought I knew what type of person Milo truly was?

“Next on our program is one of the last band/vocal dual major showcases of the night. Also a part of our freshman ensemble and freshman choir is Milo Kamalani Jr with an arrangement performed by our very own freshman string orchestra. Please give a round of applause to Milo and the strings for “A Frigid Winter!” The curtain opens and the lights immediately hit our faces. I look over at center stage and finally see Milo up close. He’s wearing this maestro-looking jacket, standing straight with his arms up, ready to conduct. We all finally begin the song, and Milo enters with his vocals.

Milo capitates the stage in an almost theatrical way, playing towards the lyrics as an act in a way. He looks super hot on stage. For every chorus, Milo forcefully turned around and faced the strings, conducting the super fast part of it. For once, our section seemed cohesive. We played as if it was coming straight out of the studio. The “ooos” and “ahhhs” of the audience felt amazing; it meant that we were exceeding their expectations by a long shot. It meant that we were able to sound just as great as the other ensembles; the whole ensemble! It meant that Milo knew what he was talking about in getting us to perform in the first place. He was the only one that believed in us.

Milo begins to walk over to me, indicating that the solo part was coming up. He looked directly at me with those eyes, the ones where the tint of purple turn into the darkest shade of gray. They were the type of eyes Milo had whenever he felt passionate about something. They were the eyes he had the day we spent at the treehouse. Hungry. Yearning. Perplexed. Intrigued. I stand up from my seat, playing the solo of the bridge as Milo sang.

“You don’t know what you’ve woken, now all you see is a beast,” Milo sang as I played. The strings of my violin were making my fingertips red with each chord; it felt like I was going to draw blood in any moment of that solo.

It was the way his lip drew blood when I bit his lip with my teeth as we kissed. He pulled away for a moment, holding his lip with his fingers.

“Oh my–” I began to say, reaching for my bag for some tissues. “I am so sorry–“

“It’s alright,” Milo said as he wiped his lip with his hand. I immediately swatted his hand away from his face and dabbed the tissue on his lip. He did nothing but look at me with those eyes, barely reacting to the visible cut on his lip. “I can barely feel it.” I looked up at him, mesmerized by his glaze.

“That still doesn’t excuse my teeth thinking you’re some piece of meat,” I responded, still dabbing his lip. He slowly put his hand around my wrist, stopping me from continuing giving him aid. I try to fight it, seeing that blood was still coming from the little puncture hole. “I’m good, Scout.”

“A little bit longer,” I said, trying to put the tissue back on his lip. He’s way stronger than me, pulling my arm away from his face and pinned it against the wall of the treehouse. “Milo–“

“Just…a little bit…longer,” Milo dragged out the closer his lips got to my face. I could smell the vanilla flavored chap stick on him, resulting my frantic applying of it prior to seeing him. The smell was enticing on him. He gently kisses my lips before he deepened it; he was now the one biting my bottom lip.

“You never guessed this would be another side of me,” Milo sang out loud as he was looking at me. I was looking at him. He drags out the high note of the bridge, which means I’m now dragging the last note of this measure before it goes back to normal. He just kept looking at me, and I was completely taken over with his assertive in this situation. It was like he was telling me, “a little bit longer”. He finally ends that final note, gasping for air as he turns around towards the audience, and I sit back down in my seat. The audience reacts in a positive way, applauding as I finished the solo of the piece. It wasn’t long after that the piece finally ended, and as expected the audience loved it. Milo turns around and gestures us to take our bow. He quickly comes toward me, dragging me from my arm to stay standing and walk towards the center of the stage. He puts his arms out in my direction, prompting me to take another bow as the soloist. The audience roars in cheers, which completely takes me off guard. To hear people actually applaud for my violin playing was something I never thought I’d hear being at Waverly.

And of course, it was all because of Milo.

I make the same gesture toward him now, prompting him to take his bow for his unbelievable performance. I can see Milo’s family stand up from their seats, cheering as loud as they can in the school auditorium. I looked at Milo as he looked at me, and the curtain began to close in front of us. It was finally over. If only that moment lasted just a little bit longer. Maybe if we were on that stage for just a little bit longer, I wouldn’t feel this hollow feeling in my chest when he walks away from me, hi-fiving the other members of the string ensemble. As he should. So why do I feel completely empty now?

…

“Ms. Lee,” Mr. Harrison called out as he entered the band room. The other members of the band looked in my direction, unaware of what was happening. “You guys did great tonight,” he commented towards the other students. “Make sure you guys practice that other piece for NYSSMA next week; we will be hopping right on that tomorrow.” The other students grabbed their things and left the room. Mr. Harrison finally put his attention onto me. “I wanted to speak to you before you go home for the night.”

“Is everything okay? Did I mess up on one of the chords on stage or something?” I begin to worry, not knowing why Mr. Harrison would possibly need to talk to me after a performance.

“Quite opposite actually,” Mr. Harrison sits at his desk; I sit in the chair across from it. “We had gotten word that one of the recruiters were interested in one of the students in Milo’s number.”

“Milo got recruited?” I immediately assumed, considering it was his showcase performance. “That’s so exciting, but–“

“No,” Mr. Harrison interrupted me as she responded. “They were interested in you.” He hands me a folder of papers; the folder has a Julliard school logo on it. Julliard?!

“Wait, what?” I shot my head up, looking at Mr. Harrison. “Julliard?”

“They would like for you to join their prospective students program where you would train with their faculty in preparation for admission auditions when you’re a senior. They spoke highly of your performance tonight.” Mr. Harrison looks at me and folds his hands on his desk. “I think this would be a great opportunity for you, Ms. Lee. Not only will it build your confidence in your skill, but it will force you to continue working towards something that not many students are thinking of as freshmen.”

“Not thinking of?”

“College,” he clarified. “You’ve been one of the only students in my freshman class to have asked about music programs in different colleges. Consider this opportunity a reward to your hard work and dedication.” I felt like the smile on my face is glued on my face. Was this really happening? Was I actually good enough for someone important to recognize? Was I actually good enough for anyone?

“Thank you so much, Mr. Harrison,” I quicky said as I get up from the chair. I was so excited that I found myself racing to the front door and anticipate sharing this news with–

Milo.

“Mr. Harrison?” I said as I turn around. “Was I the only one the Julliard representative was interested in?” He had to have spoken to Milo. He had to have told Milo that he was recruited for this program.

“Just you and another student,” he answered. I finally walked out of the band room, trying to replay the sequence of events that just transpired. I was grateful that I was given this opportunity, but guilty that I got it through Milo’s own performance. At least another student also got the folder too.

…

“Hey Soph,” I hear Allen say to me. I turned around and waved at him. He surprisingly sits in the seat next to me in the band room, as if he actually wants to have a conversation with me. “You did great last night at the showcase.”

“Thanks,” I said as I took my binder out of my backpack getting ready for class to start. “It was cool to see people react to our performance for once.”

“It felt good,” Allen added. “To be seen for once.” I looked at Allen, nodding my head. It was exactly how I felt about the strings section. It was nice to experience the same exact feeling as someone who gets it.

“And heard,” I added. “I’m sure we’ll get more opportunities like that.” Allen nodded his head in agreement.

“And you have a direct connection too,” Allen mentioned. I tilted my head, confused now.

“What do you mean?”

“Milo Kamalani,” he replied. “Being friends with benefits with a dual major has its benefits.”

“What?!” I turned my head quickly toward Allen. “What are you talking about?” Allen looks at me as if he just said something he shouldn’t have said out loud.

“I mean, you didn’t hear this from me, but when you were at the graduation earlier, Aaron Serrano was being… Aaron Serrano. He was going on about how people were only talking about the strings at the showcase.” I swallowed hard, fearing the absolute worst. He wouldn’t have–

“And he mentioned you and Milo,” Allen continued to explain. “He said something like, oh Sophie only got the solo because she’s–” Allen looked at me, probably noticing how horrified I look right now. “It’s none of my business, but I felt like you needed to know that was being said about you.”

He did.

Allen gives me a tight smile before clearing his throat, getting up from his seat. That’s when I see it in Allen’s hands. The folder with the Julliard folder.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 2: Top 5 Songs of 2025!

liz

Dear, Readers – welcome to day 2 of Lizmas!

Before I say anything else, let me put out this disclaimer: my relationship with music has drastically changed. I don’t know if I officially got to the age where most of my playlist is considered “oldies”, but I cannot get myself to like mainstream music currently. There are some artists I still follow that release new music, but as for listening to new albums and all of that… well, it’s a top 5 song list instead of top 5 albums.

But! We stick to tradition around here, and we are going to talk about the top 5 songs I personally liked that was released in 2025.

That intro was short and sweet (no pun intended), so without further ado: let’s start this list!

5.) “Icarus” – Shadow Academy

This song was an unexpected find during this year, but came into my life during a time I was internally struggling with my OCD diagnosis. Danny Avidan (or Danny from Game Grumps) and Jim Roach make up the band “Shadow Academy”, and their music is on the opposite spectrum of genre that we are used to hearing. It’s a more serious band, with the genre falling under more alternative and indie.

Dan’s singing voice has always been smoothing and nostalgic in my opinion. His tone reflects his admiration for 80’s music; it’s smooth, and doesn’t strain when it hits notes higher than his usual range.

“Icarus”, for those not familiar with Greek mythology (aka, me) was a figure known to have traveled too close to the sun, and tells the story of the consequences behind overachievement and ambition. For me, the song definitely portrays that story: where do you go once you’ve everything you wanted to accomplish as a person, but still don’t feel complete? This summer, I found myself going through that thought process, and this song got me through a lot of the difficult thoughts and conversations regarding my OCD diagnosis. I still find myself listening to this song on days where I need to be reminded that there is a balance needed in life.

4.) “White Cat” – Yves

I don’t know the name of the company that Yves is under, but whatever voodoo they did to Yves image and music is a literal genius. I feel like she was previously on a list of my music favorites, but if I didn’t: Yves was a member of Blockberry Creative’s 12-member girl group, LOONA. After the members successfully terminated their contracts with the company, many of them went their separate ways, and some decided to remain as a group under a new music company. Yves, being one of the members that chose to go solo, as (in my opinion) the most potential to be an international solo artist. Her music is just different, and doing something that most a lot of soloists are doing. The imagery of the music videos and the sound engineering used has been unique and very outside of the box. Personally, she’s been a consistent favorite of mine since her first release, “Loop”, last year.

This song has been on repeat since it hit my playlist! Her voice and melody of the music almost melt together in a way, which makes my ears very happy. Sure, I still wonder what the song is actually about, but who cares! It’s good music, and it would’ve been a crime if it wasn’t on my list for this year.

3.) “Smashing Concrete” – WOODZ

When I tell you I was so excited to see that WOODZ was back from the military making music (!!!) it felt like it was 2023 all over again, crying over “Drowning” being performed at his concert. When X1 first disbanded in early 2020, WOODZ made his “unofficial official” solo debut (he was a soloist prior to being on Produce X 101) later that summer, having more of a true “K-pop solo artist” type of sound. He has always been the type of artist to experiment with different sounds, and no two songs sound alike on that album. His later albums sort of stepped away from that K-pop sound and into a K-R&B one, to then a K-Rock sound. His rock sound has been my absolute favorite simply because he has the vocal pipes for them.

I’m so excited that WOODZ is back making music, and I look forward to see what he comes up with in the future. WOODZ was my first ult bias (before Seungsik came along), and has been an artist I enjoyed because of the sheer talent he has. Not only does he sing, he composes, produces, and writes his own music. To me (and I know many other people agree), WOODZ is one of those special artists; one that puts their stamp on the industry and is notable when not in it.

2.) “LIKE JENNIE” – Jennie

Dare I say this is the only song on this list from my July top 5 list? If I had to pick a favorite album that was released in 2025, Jennie’s Ruby would be my first answer. Jennie, being known as one of the members of K-pop girl group BLACKPINK, made her solo debut (under her own company, btw) in March 2025. When she teased “Like Jennie” in her highlight medley for her album, the internet simultaneously gagged. It was a song that was truly fitting to Jennie’s sound and image, going back to her rapping days on possibly one of the sickest beats in a song this year.

With this popularity comes people with their opinionated judgement, constantly commenting on something she says or does. She never publicly responded until releasing this song, which was pretty much like a fuck you to the people who talk about her. Because it’s true; everyone finds themselves comparing their standard in K-pop popularity to Jennie’s.

Also, don’t anybody come for me for saying this, but her album (to me) was the album out of all the BLACKPINK girlies that became an instant hit at first listen. Seriously, it’s such a good album!

1.) “Here All Night” – Demi Lovato

Since being 14 years old, listening to Demi singing her ass off on Disney in 2008, I always felt like she would become my next favorite artist. (Of course, Kelly Clarkson will forever be my main). Demi has also been an artist that had tried different genres throughout her career: pop-rock, pop, dance, R&B, rock; you name it. Her 2022 release, Holy Fvck, was my number 1 pick that year, as I always enjoyed Demi’s rock sound. I even went to her concert later that year, experiencing for the first time hearing her vocals live. With that album, she discussed a lot of her struggles from over the years: her drug abuse, overdose, and thoughts on what life has felt like since being sober. It was like listening to her own personal journal at the time, so when her got lighter with support, new management, and found love, it was understandable that her music would be more upbeat, going back to her pop days after metaphorically holding a funeral for her pop music.

“Here All Night”, Demi’s second single from her recent release It’s Not That Deep is a fun, dance-pop song. The lyrics paint this picture of a person who, for lack of a better term, was ghosted by the person they were romantically connected with, and to get over the heartbreak, they go to the club to dance all night, hoping the music makes them feel better. Even after listening to her entire album, this song is still my favorite, and I cannot wait to see her again on tour in Spring 2026!

There was so many good songs that didn’t make it to this list, so here are the honorable mentions of 2025:

  • “THIS IS FOR” – TWICE
  • “Perfectly Imperfect” – Kang Seungsik
  • “Summer” – Lim Sejun
  • “House Tour” – Sabrina Carpenter
  • “Can You Entertain?” – Kim Lip
  • “BURNING UP” – MEOVV
  • “Blue Valentine” – NMIXX
  • “Gameboy” – KATSEYE
  • “Abracadabra” – Lady Gaga
  • “BEBE” – STAYC
  • “No Need To Talk” – Jonas Brothers
  • “GALA” – XG
  • “ExtraL” – Jennie (feat. Doechii)
  • “ZEN – Jennie
  • “JUMP” – BLACKPINK
  • “Gnarly” – KATSEYE
  • “Manchild” – Sabrina Carpenter
  • “out of body” – Khalid
Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 1: Reintroduction, 2025 Edition.

liz

Dear, letter readers – it’s that time of year again!

First and foremost, welcome back to Letters From Liz. I am beyond grateful that 9 years later, there are people on the internet that actually read my blog in this little corner of it. The blog has definitely shifted within the last couple of years, but one thing has always remained the same:

Ladies and gents, it’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Just like every year, we start off the first day doing an informal reintroduction, just in case there are new readers that may not know the person behind the different series on here. Oh! And if you’re interested in reading last year’s Lizmas posts, you can read them here.

Without further ado: Hi! My name is Liz!

First and foremost, I was diagnosed with OCD during the Summer. I think the biggest thing that changed for me this year was that I finally got some answers to some questions I used to deem as unanswerable… or just deemed them as personality quirks. Just with any diagnosis out of the blue, I didn’t believe that I actually had it. I had this misconception that OCD was truly how it was depicted in the media, and for me it was nothing like that. The more research I did and the more I sat with this diagnosis, I’ve realized that the behaviors and thoughts I deemed as a part of my personality was OCD diagnosing itself in “quirks”. I did not realize that mental compulsions, rumination, people-pleasing and seeking reassurance were all a part of the OCD cycle. Being the only person I personally know to have OCD, it was hard to see how it looked like on other people. It wasn’t depression or social anxiety, and a lot of the learning came with really sitting down with my thoughts and talking them out loud. Personally, I find myself getting clarity through a mobile app that was specifically designed for OCD. It allows me to fully talk out what’s going through my mind, while getting specific answers and guidance on how to navigate an episode.

It hasn’t been easy to manage, as it questions nearly everything coping mechanism and technique I’ve used to ease my mood and anxiety. It’s literally me retraining my brain, unlearning everything I thought was true, correct, and real. I’ve had my ups and downs, especially over the summer when I was still trying to figure things out with the new diagnosis. But! I’m now taking medicine to help with the compulsions, especially the ones that involve my hair. In the time I’m writing this (shoutouts to November being a quiet month for me in the office so I can write and prep posts, haha) I am growing out my eyebrows (again), and keeping my hair growth goal in mind every time I get the urge to pull, cut, or dye it impulsively.

I’ve fully embraced my sports side and now officially a baseball girly. Last postseason, the 2024 New York Mets (aka the NY team I was born into liking because of my dad) had considerably created history by not being even remotely close to making the postseason to then making it all the way to the NLCS; aka the “semi-finals” of major league baseball. The postseason was so inspiring to watch that I was extra excited for the 2025 baseball season. Guys… I followed the entire season and had my heart broken when the Mets missed the postseason by ONE game. It’s okay though; I realized that I just really like baseball! I truly think for the 2026 season, I am definitely going to some more games; the one game I went to this past season with my dad was so much fun! (Despite the Mets losing to the Tampa Bay Rays and it being cold and rainy).

I’m always excited to discover something new that I like, and I haven’t felt this way since the pandemic, being in the K-Pop community. This time, I was able to share this interest with my partner and actually sit down on some nights to watch the different baseball games on. It feels good to finally be accepting to a new interest or hobby without making it my entire personality, y’know?

Gosh, what else can I say?

I am continuing to navigate my 30s by balancing adulthood with my youth. One thing I’ve noticed about my 30s is that it’s looking a lot different than my 20s. In my 20s, I was taking life a little too serious without having the necessary resources. I was still a student, I didn’t have any prior work experience, and I was still battling my mental health in the midst of trying to find my identity. These days, I find myself being a little ease with life, truly taking it one day at a time without the pressure of needing to have everything figured out. Sure, there’s tons of things I need to learn and manage better (money, I’m looking right at you), but I can honestly say that my 30s have been some of the best years I’ve had because I have such a better understanding on who I am without–yes, this is also OCD related— believing I’m doing everything wrong.

As always, here re some other facts about me that have not changed:

  • I’m a proud owner of two of the cutest boy cats, as well as a 6-year old turtle that likes to stare at himself in the mirror on his rock.
  • I’m still living in NYC, which still will never change…but maybe I’ll finally live on my own in the future!
  • I have a ton of tattoos; some dedicated to my time being a K-Pop stan (many of them being related to my ultimate favorite K-Pop group, Victon). Do I want more tattoos? Of course, what kind of millennial would I be?
  • I no longer do penpal writing, but still use my calligraphy skills to make up beautiful holiday cards for my job and birthday cards for my loved ones.
  • I still spend a lot of my time outside of my 9 to 5 hanging out, exploring new places to eat with my partner or simply checking out a place I’ve passed by on walks and such. One of my favorite finds this year was CityPoint BKLYN, an underground simulation of what a food street market looks like! Another highlight of a day adventure involves being in Fort Greene on the day that Spike Lee had this whole pop-up, meet-and-greet event over the summer. Although I didn’t go to many concerts this year, I made it up with more local events and attending gigs with my partner.
  • Although I still find a lot of my interests changing (reading back to last year’s post, I guess I was getting into the Pokémon trading card world, which sadly I grew out of quickly, haha), I’m still very glad that I am open to trying (and liking) new things. I discovered a lot of new music I like, a lot of hobbies I like to do in my down time, and even reintroduce some of my old hobbies (like listening to the K-pop groups I liked before leaving the community). It helps me debunk this theory that constantly changing your interests or hobbies makes you “fake” or “disingenuous”.

And that’s about it! Although a lot hasn’t changed between last year and now, I truly feel like I am learning and growing each and every year I reflect and write these posts.

Anyway, cheers to the next 11 days of Lizmas! Stay tuned for more writing series, and some more of the traditional Lizmas type posts. See you back here tomorrow!

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Aaron’s Mollie VS. Milo’s Mollie: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

My mind has about 30 different tabs open, and I don’t know what to focus on. I’m sitting in a room in the West Wing, bouncing my leg anxiously as I wait for Aaron’s band teacher call us up to the stage. I didn’t realize just how theatrical these showcases are compared to the regular concerts everyone else does. From my understanding, dual major showcases have recruiters in the audience. Apparently, if they are interested in a certain student, they can sponsor them for the school they wish to go to when they graduate. Depending how early on they sponsor you, the better chances you had on making an impact in the industry you desire to work in.

I only know all of this because of Aaron. His rehearsals have been pretty intense as today got closer. He wasn’t the Aaron that would reassure me if I missed a note or forgot a lyric in the song. He was now the “get it right the first time I tell you” Aaron that rubbed me off the wrong way. It was confusing, once we were alone and out of practice, he was the Aaron I knew. The Aaron I loved.

The door opens and I immediately stand up, thinking it was Aaron or Mr. Harrison to tell us we were up. I tilted my head when I realized it was not either one of them; it was Milo.

“What are you doing here–” I began to question, but Milo had other plans for this interaction.

“You told your stupid boyfriend?” Milo immediately asked. I scrunched my brows together, feeling even more confused than before.

“What?”

“Don’t play stupid, Mollie,” Milo spat out. “That shit isn’t gonna work this time.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re even talking about,” I finally said, getting annoyed now.

“I thought the least we could do is still respect each other,” Milo said. “And now I have your boyfriend threaten to call Sophie out of her name because you decided to tell him her business.”

“Wait, you think I told Aaron about you and Sophie?” I genuinely asked.

“He knows, Mollie,” Milo emphasized. “He literally just told me the exact same thing that I told you to keep to yourself.”

“I didn’t tell him–” I tried to explain to Milo. I tried to explain to Milo that I meant that I said I wouldn’t tell anyone about what they did. Who the hell told Aaron? “You sure Sophie isn’t opening her mouth and telling people?”

“Sophie’s not like that,” Milo answered, angry that I would’ve even say something like that about her.

“Oh, but you think it’s like me to tell someone a secret that I told you I wouldn’t tell?” I rationalized. Not only was I feeling attacked in this conversation, but now I felt like I was being antagonized for something that I didn’t do.

“I don’t know who you are anymore, Mollie! I don’t know if you told him out of anger, or out of spite, or if you and Aaron are so miserable that you guys get off talking about other people and their lives!” I looked at Milo as he spoke, trying so hard to not let him get the best of me. I’m trying so hard to not cry in this moment; not because I was overwhelmed with everything that’s happening, but because Milo believed I was this horrible human being. Nothing I could say would change his mind.

“Believe what you want to believe, Milo. I don’t care,” I said, defeated.

“So you’re not going to admit telling him? You’re gonna stand here and pretty much tell me that you broke a promise, and now Sophie is probably going to stop talking to me because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut?”

Before I could respond, Mr. Harrison opens the door to the room. He looks at Milo before looking at me.

“Aaron is on stage already, the set begins in 10 minutes,” Mr. Harrison says to me. “Milo, didn’t I tell you to stay with your team?” Milo didn’t say anything else. He simply walked past Mr. Harrison and out toward the hallway. I’m still trying to fight back tears.

I find my way towards the stage, seeing Aaron and his band prepping the instruments before the set starts. I simply walk to the microphone stand and adjust the height of it, not saying a word.

“Alright Mols,” Aaron walks over to say as he gets his guitar strap on. “We’re going to change the setlist due to the limited time we have; I think it would be best to perform ‘So Long, Goodnight” instead.” I don’t say anything back, and for once… Aaron doesn’t notice. He shouts to the rest of the band, letting us know of the change.

“This is our moment, guys,” Aaron shouts to us. “We have the potential to get recruited tonight; something that we’ve been working hard for so long. He have the most potential out of all of these performers tonight, so let’s show them what they want to see, alright?!”

“Got it, bro!” Both the guys responded back. Aaron looks at me and walks up to me like a military agent of some sort.

“Alright?!” Aaron yells out at me. I look up to him, seeing fragments of the person Milo said he was. He’s just using you so that his band can go far. He’s more in love with his band than his actual girlfriend. “You hear me, Castro?!”

Castro? Maybe it was true. One single tear ran down my right eye as I looked at Aaron, unable to see the boy I fell in love with anymore.

“Shit,” Aaron said as he checked his phone, getting up from the couch in the studio. He zips up his hoodie and begins to gather his stuff. Another time that Aaron and I got close to finally having or first time, ruined due another meeting of some sorts. “Dean is calling me.”

“Of course he is,” I said, getting up as I put my blouse back on. Aaron doesn’t say anything back; he walks away and answers the call. I looked around this studio space that I’ve become so custom to being in; if we weren’t in here rehearsing for some show, it was Aaron and I hanging out, in hopes that maybe this would finally be the time it happens.

Aaron walks back over to me, ending the call as he gets closer. He looks down at me to reach for his bag that I was supposedly sitting next to. “I have to meet Dean at his office to talk about some business stuff–“

“Again?” I asked, annoyed that this has become the new norm for Aaron and I. I simply don’t remember the last time we even went somewhere without it being band related. “How much business stuff can you guys talk about?”

“There’s more to the band than you see, Mols,” Aaron commented as he put his jacket on. “You get to do the fun part of it.” He smiled at me. I couldn’t help but sigh, knowing what that smile does to me.

“You promise that we’ll hang out afterwards? Just me and you?” I stood up in front of him, straightening the collar of his jacket. “Without talking about the band?”

“Of course,” Aaron smiled as he kissed my forehead. “Once I handle this business and get everything in order, we’re going to have the best time ever. We’re so close to getting what we want, Mols. We’re in this together.” His reassurance made me smile.

“Text me when you’re around,” I said. Aaron nods his head before his cellphone rang again. He turns around and walks out, answering the call. He never did text me that day.

“Yeah,” I said with tears in my eyes. Aaron’s eyes softened when I said. We both turned our head once we hear Mr. Harrison speak on the other side of the stage.

“Next on our program, we have Aaron Serrano from our freshman class. Outside of Waverly, he is the lead guitarist of his very own band, Quiet Division. Accompanying him tonight is freshman vocalist, Mollie Sue Castro.” The curtain opens and I see the audience.

The curtain opens and I see the audience. Standing on the stage in my dance outfit, I take a deep breath.

I stand on the stage with Aaron and his band, letting out a deep breath.

I smile as I spot Aaron in the audience, watching me dance at my recital. The first person I ever allowed to come to one of my shows. He smiles back, and I begin to dance.

I let the remainder of the tears fall down my cheeks before I hear Aaron play the chords of the song.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #50: … They Crash and Burn.

liz

Jennifer sits on the sidelines of the auditorium next to her dance members within her academy. It’s the night of the end of year recital; something she’s been working on in addition to her school activities. She bounces her leg in place, nervous as she watches the other dancers perform their numbers on stage. She continues to look back into the audience, still only noticing her family, and Nicki with Danny a couple of rows behind them. She shakes her head, annoyed that the one person she wants to be here, isn’t.

…

A couple of hours before the show, Jennifer is getting ready in her bedroom, listening to music on a tiny speaker as she focuses on putting her hair in numerous Bobby pins. There is a slight knock on the door, in which enters Nicki.

Nicki: Look at the pretty ballerina!

Jennifer: *rolls her eyes* I do more than just ballet, Nic.

Nicki: I know, but your hair is in the tightest sock bun I think I’ve ever seen on a person, and I should know since I have AP English with Mrs. Peter’s.

Jennifer looks at the door, which makes Nicki turn around to look as well.

Jennifer: Milo, it’s okay to come in; no girls are naked in this room.

Nicki: Milo’s not here.

Jennifer scrunches her brow, looking at Nicki.

Jennifer: You didn’t meet him at his place?

Nicki: *shakes her head* Mrs. Kamalani said he wasn’t home. Maybe he’s meeting us at the show?

Jennifer: He always meets me here before a show… where the hell did he even go?

Jennifer grabs her phone from her vanity and flips it open. She notices that Milo isn’t signed on in AIM.

Jennifer: This is so weird; he never signs off of AIM; that’s how we communicate…

Nicki: Maybe he’s just doing something before he comes to the show. You know Milo has never missed one of your dance shows.

Jennifer ponders in thought before she sighs, continuing to do her hair and makeup.

Nicki: Forget about Milo; is Nate going to your show?

Jennifer: He said he can’t; him and his family are in New Jersey right now.

Nicki notices Jennifer’s excitement on her face fade away, Nicki takes it upon herself to turn the chair around to face her. Jennifer looks up at Nicki.

Nicki: Things happen, Pep. It doesn’t mean it should make you less excited for your dance performance. I know how hard you worked on this piece.

Jennifer: Yeah, but what good is it even if your best friend is M.I.A and the guy that you like can’t make it?

Nicki bends forward to give Jennifer a hug.

Nicki: You have me and Danny cheering you on! It’s not the entire group, but we’ll be loud enough so that it feels like the entire group is there.

Jennifer smiles and returns the hug before Nicki steps back.

Jennifer: Is he out in the hallway because he’s afraid there’s naked girls in here?

Nicki: Oh no, he’s meeting us there; I told him I needed some girl time with you before your show.

The girls laugh as Nicki turns Jennifer’s chair back around, helping her put in the last hair clips in Jennifer’s hair.

…

The audience claps their hands after the first dance number is done. The girls on stage bow before exiting to the right side of the stage. Jennifer’s dance teacher comes out toward the stage with a microphone.

Madison: Thank you ladies for that beautiful rendition of Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” Next on our program, we have another one of our girls from our senior division dancing a lovely contemporary piece to Kelly Clarkson’s “Beautiful Disaster”. Give a round of applause to Jennifer Ann Castro!

The audience claps, with a few voices cheering as Jennifer walks out on stage. She looks out toward the audience one last time, hoping to see Milo in the back somewhere. The music starts. She doesn’t see him.

Jennifer dances her piece, hitting every beat with each move that she rehearsed. Her mind is everywhere but on the dance floor. In the audience, Nicki watches Jennifer, noticing how distracted she looks on stage. Danny rubs Nicki shoulder for reassurance.

Jennifer finishes her piece, and the audience begins to applaud. Her family stand up to give her a standing ovation. Jennifer bows solemnly as she exits to the right side of the stage.

…

Nicki, Danny, and Jennifer sit in a booth at the pizza parlor. Nothing is said between the three friends, but Nicki looks at Danny for some guidance with this situation. Danny clears his throat, looking forward at Jennifer.

Danny: Your dance was really nice, Pep.

Jennifer: Thanks.

Danny and Nicki look at each other, bickering on what to say next.

Jennifer: You guys don’t need to try to make it better, you know.

Nicki: Pep, you’re clearly upset that Milo didn’t show.

Jennifer: *angry* He didn’t even message me to tell me he wasn’t going! He never missed a show without telling me!

Nicki: It had to have been something serious then.

Jennifer scrunches her eyebrows together as she looks at Nicki.

Jennifer: Are you seriously taking his side right now?

Nicki: *defensive* I’m not taking sides, Pep; I’m trying to rationalize why he would do what he did—

Jennifer: Because he’s a horrible fucking best friend! It’s as simple as that!

Nicki: *sighs* You guys just got on good terms…

Danny: *to Jennifer* I may not know the exact extent of you and Milo’s friendship, but that guy cares about you a lot.

The two girls look at Danny.

Danny: I’m just stating what I’ve seen.

Jennifer: You know what I’ve seen? Milo spending all his free time with Gwen.

Nicki: What do you mean?

Jennifer: Come on, Nic. An idiot can see that whenever Milo isn’t with us, he’s with her. *annoyed* If you didn’t introduce him to her, he probably would’ve made it to the show.

Nicki: *annoyed* Don’t put that on me, I’m sure Milo would’ve spoke to her considering they play in the same section in band…

Danny puts his hands out, trying to be the peacemaker.

Danny: We’re not blaming no one but Milo for his actions, guys. *to Pep* I’m just saying that knowing what I’ve seen from Milo, he cares about you a lot and probably has a good reason why he missed the show tonight—

Jennifer: Oh, I guess you’re taking the side of the person who thought you were a piece of shit after what happened last year—

Nicki: Pep—

Jennifer: *sighs* Look, I appreciate you guys for coming to the show tonight. I know it may not look like it now, but I really do appreciate it. I just… want to be left alone for a bit before I go home.

Nicki and Danny look at each other before Nicki ultimately stands up. Danny gathers their stuff as Nicki looks at Jennifer.

Nicki: Just let us know when you get in the house, Pep.

Nicki and Danny are about to leave the pizza parlor when the door opens. Coincidentally, Milo enters the pizza parlor, surprised to see Nicki and Danny standing here. Milo looks at the booth before the two teens exit the parlor. Milo slowly walks over to the booth where Jennifer is sitting. She looks up at Milo before she rolls her eyes dismissively.

Milo: Pep–

Jennifer: Oh wow; look who finally showed up after being M.I.A for the entire day! Seriously, why are you even here? To apologize?

Milo: Pep…

Jennifer: *not listening* I didn’t know it was hard to send out a simple message letting me know you couldn’t make it, or is that asking for too much from the person that’s supposed to be my best friend–

Milo: I… I know, and I’m sorry; really…

Jennifer: You never missed a show! You’re always there in the crowd cheering me on and we always go and get pizza afterwards and then we walk home and hang out and *takes in a deep breath* You promised things wouldn’t change between us, no matter what.

Milo doesn’t say anything, he just looks at Jennifer with a certain look. She takes notice of it. It wasn’t an apologetic look; his face was pale and ill-looking. She scrunches her eyebrows together.

Jennifer: Why do you look like that?

Milo takes in a deep breath and shifts in his seat. Jennifer’s brows soften, realizing that something else is going on.

Jennifer: Milo?

Milo finally looks at Jennifer. He takes a moment before his eyes revert back toward the table, letting out a deep breath.

Milo: Gwen’s pregnant.

–End of Tape, EJECT.–

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

The Elephant in the Room: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I can’t stop bouncing my leg in place as I wait for the strings section to come into the room. It’s the night of the dual major showcase; the night where I finally show the rest of Waverly what I’ve been working on for the past couple of weeks. My father told me that this showcase used to be different when he was a student. Apparently, the showcase was more of an ensemble thing; it was only recently that it came more of an individual showcase for the dual major students. I feel like this showcase was the one time that I felt my dad proud of me. The pressure of making this the perfect performance to everyone’s standards makes it just as nerve-wrecking as any other performance.

Before I allow my thoughts to roam further in my head, the band door opens and in comes Sophie. She’s wearing a black dress with sparkles on the sleeves. She even has a hair clip in the shape of a treble clef in it. I couldn’t help but smile in awe. She’s even more beautiful than I can imagine.

“Hey Scout,” I said, getting up from my seat. She walks over to me as she lets out an anxious breath. “Nervous?”

“Super nervous,” Sophie answered, shaking her hands. “This is possibly the most nerve-wrecking performance I’ve had to date.”

“Even more than the showcase when you had your first solo?” I recalled. I remember that night so vividly. Although she was nervous walking up to her place on stage, her violin playing said otherwise. She was a natural talent on stage.

“Considering how hard this piece is; yes,” Sophie emphasized. I laugh at the way she’s handling her anxiety.

“I already know you’re going to be amazing,” I said, staring intently at Sophie. I couldn’t help but stare at her, noticing the mascara and lip gloss on her face. I wonder what flavor she chose to wear. Sophie smiles, noticing just how long I’ve been looking at her.

“What?” Sophie questioned.

“Nothing,” I began to say.

“If I have a zit on my face, just tell me,” Sophie stated. I shook my head quickly before any words came out of my mouth.

“Your way of coping with your nerves turns you into a comedian, huh?” I joked. Sophie finally smiled as she rolled her eyes, letting out a shaky breath. At least I finally got her to smile.

“What if I mess up?” Sophie began to question out loud. “No matter how much I’ve practiced, I can’t seem to focus on the music. My mind is–” She looks up at me, slightly blushing. I feel my own face getting hot with the thought.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I suggested, nervous to know what Sophie will say. The truth is: we haven’t spoken about that day since it happened. We never spoke about the way we couldn’t keep each others hands off each other, or the way our lips couldn’t be apart before yearning to touch again. We never spoke about the beautiful sounds she made that vibrated through my own body, or the way she ran her fingers through my hair as she did. We never spoke about the moment we both just laid next to each other in the treehouse as I held her in my arms.

“Scout?” I turned my head toward Sophie, noticing she was quiet for a long time now. I though she might’ve fell asleep, but when she turned her head to face me, I see it in her face. The reality of the situation was seeping in. “Hey,” I gently said, giving her my undivided attention. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Sophie said as she shook her head, readjusting her body.

“Clearly something’s wrong,” I stated, getting up alongside Sophie. She looks on the ground for her sweater and quickly puts it on, covering her bare skin. “Sophie?”

“I shouldn’t have done this,” Sophie says more to herself than to me. She’s frantically putting her clothes back on in sheer panic. “Bloody hell, I shouldn’t have done this–“

“Sophie,” I say once more, trying to calm her down. Anything that I do or say isn’t working. Before I can say anything else, I notice the light of the garage door turn on, signaling the door to open. I pushed Sophie back down close to the door, out of sight of my grandparents entering their home. Once I see the coast is clear, I release Sophie, who continues to panic as she gets her things together. “Sophie, relax–“

“How can you tell me to relax?!” Sophie spat out. “Look at where we are, Milo. We are in the treehouse together, without anyone knowing where we are, doing what we just did!” I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed hearing Sophie talk about our first time like this. Was it not what she expected our first time to be like this?

“Is this not what you wanted?” I asked. It was the only thing I could say after experiencing such an intimate moment with her. She looked at me with this certain look; this look of disgust. Something told me this wasn’t the way she imagine her first time being like, in which I immediately shut down. Her cellphone begins to ring, in which she panics once she realizes it’s her mom. Without saying anything else, she hurries out of the treehouse.

The longer we waited to address the elephant in the room, the more I felt like she regrets what we shared. She shook her head before looking at me.

“I have to focus on the piece,” Sophie answered. “The strings section have something to prove tonight and I don’t want to mess that up for us.” I couldn’t help but scrunch my brows together, feeling confused about Sophie’s answer.

“That’s all you’ve been doing, Sophie. Every time I try to talk to you about what we did–” I began to say before feeling Sophie’s hand cover up my mouth.

“Keep your voice down!” Sophie whispered. “The other people are just in the room next door!”

“Soph, you can’t just play the conversation away,” I said, confronting her. “I understand that this means a lot to you and the strings, but you do realize this is my dual major performance and even I’m trying to still put you before it–“

“Your performance?” Sophie repeated, seeming annoyed now. “I get that you get all the credit for putting this piece together, but the strings are just as important as you to make this performance doable.”

“That’s not what I meant,” I tried to explain. “I’m just trying to understand where the hell we stand after the day in the tree–“

“Milo,” Sophie tried to talk over me, and at this point I was frustrated that she wouldn’t acknowledge it.

“Do you regret it or something?” I spat out. “Do you wish it never happened or something, or was it so damn traumatic that you choose to block out the fact that it happened?”

“What?” Sophie asked, seeming flustered now.

“Do you regret us having sex?” I bluntly said out loud. Before Sophie can react, the door to the band room opens, which makes her jump up and turn around. I sighed and rolled my eyes, seeing that it was Aaron. He seems to be taken aback once he sees us standing in the room.

“Don’t mind me,” Aaron said as he puts his hands up. “Just coming to get a working mic stand for my girlfriend.” I clench my jaw, annoyed at his grandioso way of saying hey, I’m in here just getting a stand for Mollie. “Do you need me to grab you one for your girlfriend, Milo?”

“I gotta go,” Sophie said, running out of the band room past Aaron. Aaron turns back around to look at me.

“What’s your girlfriend’s problem?” Aaron said as he opens the closet in the back of the room.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” I corrected him, trying to play things off as normal.

“Whatever you say,” Aaron said as he grabs a stand. He turns around to give me one final look before leaving the room. “Good luck on your performance tonight with the strings…”

“Good luck with your performance using Mollie as your lead vocalist,” I spat back, gathering my things together.

“If anyone is using anyone, it’s you,” Aaron responded back defensively. “Seriously; you’re leading that poor girl into thinking you’re into her, when really you’re using her and her section to make you look like a saint.”

“The same way you’re using the best vocalist in our grade just so that you can get your band noticed,” I admitted. I must’ve hit a nerve or something because Aaron looks at me as if there’s some truth in what I said. There is truth in what I said.

“You’re just mad that Mollie wanted to work with me instead of you,” Aaron said, almost scoffing at me. “It’s okay though; you’re working with the weak links of Waverly–“

“She knows you’re using her,” I crossed my arms, putting some pressure on him.

“You think she believes you?” Aaron debated back. “After everything you put her through this year?”

“She was my best friend before you went and fucked her head up,” I spat out, getting angry now.

“You did that!” Aaron yelled out. “You made her feel small by putting another girl before her. You made her think no one could actually love her for who she is. You made her think that she wasn’t good enough because she wasn’t a dual major. You made her feel like she didn’t mattered, all because you allowed a girl like Sophie get in the way of your friendship.”

“A girl like Sophie?” I repeated, now feeling defensive.

“A girl that’s easy,” Aaron responded. “A girl that lets you fuck without calling her your girlfriend.” I wanted nothing more than to punch this douchebag in the face. I wanted nothing more than to storm out of this room and find Mollie, confronting her for breaking her promise. I found myself walking towards Aaron looking directly in his face.

“You say anything about Sophie like that ever again, you’re going to regret it.” I said sternly. Saved by the door, Mr. Harrison walks into the band room looking for both Aaron and I.

“Serrano! Kamalani! In your places!” Mr. Harrison demanded. I walked out of the room, not turning back to see Aaron walk down the other direction. I felt nothing but rage in that moment. I wanted nothing more to find Mollie and scream. I thought I knew Mollie better than this. I thought Mollie had enough decency to at least hear me and promise she would keep this to herself. Out of all of the people she could’ve possibly told, she told the one person that will tell the entire school, just to hurt me.

I look toward the room of the strings section, watching them get ready for the performance. I purposely look at Sophie, who seems to be comfortable and laughing with Allen. She hasn’t said more than a sentence or two since the treehouse. She’s been distant since that night in the treehouse. While I’m trying to keep my sanity together, and keep her image clean, she’s out here pretending like everything is okay. Like we’re okay. Like everything we didn’t share with each other in the treehouse meant nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I walk past the room, turning around in the direction Aaron was walking.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #49: Just When Things Are Going Good…

liz

A couple of weeks pass by, and it’s finally the night of the dual major showcase. Milo looks in front of the mirror hanging behind his bathroom door. He takes in a deep breath as he straightens the bowtie of his suit. He hears his mother’s muffled voice yelling something out, but Milo is too engulfed in his thoughts.

The door abruptly opens, which catches Milo off-guard. He seems Jennifer enter the room.

Milo: Jesus, Pep! You scared the shit out of me!

Milo finally takes a look at Jennifer, noticing the black dress she was wearing. For a moment, he’s speechless.

Milo: *flustered* Oh, uhm, uh…

Jennifer: I know. It looks like we’re going to a funeral or something. This dress is hideous.

Milo laughs, glad to feel some of the edge of tonight ease a bit.

Milo: You look…*hesitates* fine. The dress is fine.

Jennifer turns around and faces the mirror with Milo.

Jennifer: We’re dressed like our parents.

Milo: We’re dressed like Waverly freshman about to do their end of the year showcase.

Jennifer: *looks at Milo* You mean the showcase that shows off the dual majors?

Milo: *defensive* You’re also performing tonight, Pep. It’s not all about the dual majors.

Jennifer: The freshman choir is simply singing the Star Spangled Banner and dipping the stage.

Milo: Still!

Milo grabs Jennifer by the shoulders, placing her in front of him in the mirror.

Milo: You’re a part of Waverly High! They’ll be telling students 20 years from now about the first ever dual major showcase and those who participated in it! ‘Jennifer Ann Castro, widely known as Pep, world famous dancer once sang the Star Spangled Banner at Waverly’s first ever dual major showcase!

Jennifer laughs and shakes her head. She looks at Milo through the mirror for a moment before turning around to face him.

Jennifer: I’m sorry for how I treated you this year, Milo.

Milo: *confused* That came out of nowhere.

Jennifer: I’m being serious! I treated you like shit throughout this whole school year when it was supposed to be a new beginning for the both of us. We’re literally in high-school, Milo. We’re graduating three years from now!

Milo ponders on the thought, seemingly sad when he does.

Jennifer: Exactly.

Milo: ‘Exactly’ what?

Jennifer: You’re thinking about three years from now, standing in the auditorium in our caps and gowns waiting to turn the tassel to the other side!

Milo: *laughs* Can we at least think about getting through tonight’s showcase first?

Jennifer nudges Milo on the shoulder, smiling as she does.

Jennifer: Thanks for dealing with me all of these years. I know being my best friend can be a handful.

Milo: I’d take being your best friend over anything.

The two friends hug it out until the muffled yells of Milo’s mom is heard. The door swings open once more. Milo and Jennifer quickly release each other from the hug. Nicki and Danny enter the room.

Milo: Hey, Nic; Hey, Danny.

The two girls look at each other, shocked to hear Milo greet Danny. Both girls look at Danny waiting for his response.

Danny: Hey, bro; good luck on the showcase tonight.

Danny puts his fist out for a pound. Milo returns it cordially.

Milo: Good luck to you too; don’t let Pep’s loud ass singing voice drown you guys out.

The group of friends laugh as Jennifer nudges Milo’s arm once again.

…

Milo walks around backstage in the sea of other students, preparing for the showcase to start. He’s seemingly looking for someone, but is unsuccessful in doing so. He looks down at his phone, seeing that Gwen has not signed onto AIM today. He flips his phone back around and into his pocket, sighing in anxiety.

Danny: Yo, Milo!

Milo turns around and sees Danny, confused.

Danny: Mr. Harrison wants you to perform with us.

Milo: *confused* I have to get ready for the dual major one though–

Danny: I don’t know; he said he needed someone to replace another student that isn’t here.

Milo walks with Danny, back to the other side of the backstage area where the freshman ensemble are preparing for the opening. He notices the freshman choir getting in position on the stage, noticing Jennifer near the front.

He turns his head when he hears Mr. Harrison call his name.

Mr. Harrison: Milo–

Milo: Yes?

Mr. Harrison: I need you to fill in Gwen’s position today.

Milo: *concerned* Is she okay? What happened?

Milo looks around, trying to keep his composure.

Mr. Harrison: I don’t know the details besides that she did not show up for practice earlier today.

Mr. Harrison gathers the other freshmen in the ensemble, directing them to their positions on stage right before the principal is heard speaking from the other side of the curtain. Nicki watches Milo take the place of Gwen, sitting in her seat. Jennifer, who is standing on the stage risers with the freshman choir, notices Milo sitting with the band. Milo catches Jennifer looking at him, trying to read her lips.

Before he is able to comprehend what she is saying, the curtains open and an audience full of people begin to applause. Milo takes in a deep breath, raising his violin to his chin and prepares for the piece to start.

…

Mr. Harrison begins to gather the dual major students backstage while excusing the freshman ensemble. Shortly after, the vocal teacher begins to escort the freshman choir off the stage. Jennifer looks around, hoping to see Milo to wish him luck. To her surprise, Milo is not there.

Mr. Harrison: Where is Milo Kamalani? Has anyone seen him?

No one in the ensemble answers. Jennifer walks past the group, noticing Nate at his position, shaking his head in an annoyed way.

…

It is now nighttime, and nothing but the street lights illuminate the suburban block. He’s now wearing just the dress pants and white button down shirt while the bowtie and jacket are in his backpack.

Milo catches his breath as he finally gets to his destination. He looks up to the white treehouse in the front yard.

Milo: Gwen, I know you’re up there.

Nothing happens.

Milo: Gwen? It’s me, Milo!

Milo notices a shadow moving inside of the treehouse, confirming his suspicions.

Milo: Gwen, please. Talk to me. What’s wrong? You would never miss a–

Gwen’s head pokes out of the window of the treehouse.

Gwen: Keep it down! My parents are in the house.

Milo looks up, then looks towards the front of the house. He quickly begins to climb up the steps of the treehouse, finally getting to the top. He quickly notices Gwen shove something to the side of her. He doesn’t mind it as he looks at Gwen, sitting in her black dress.

Milo: What are you doing here?

Gwen doesn’t answer. Milo now crawls into the empty spot of the treehouse, next to Gwen.

Milo: Gwen?

Gwen: What are you even doing here?

Milo: *playfully* I asked you first.

Gwen doesn’t react. This worries Milo.

Milo: What’s wrong? Why didn’t you show up for the showcase tonight?

Gwen: I wasn’t feeling good.

Milo: *confused* But you’re dressed. You have your instrument with you and– *light bulb goes off* Did you skip the showcase? Does your mom think you’re at Waverly right now?!

Gwen: I answered your question; now answer mine.

Milo: You barely answered my question! What’s going on? It isn’t like you to lie to your mom and to miss–

Gwen: *defensive* Yeah, well there’s a lot of things I do that are not like me then.

Gwen turns her head to face away from Milo. Milo sits there, confused.

Milo: Gwen. You know you can talk to me about anything. We promised that to each other; to tell each other anything that’s on our minds. That’s just who we are.

Gwen: I know.

Milo: And whatever is bothering you, you know I will be there for you and comfort you because we also promised each other that. I wouldn’t ever break a promise with you–

Gwen: *turns around; annoyed* I know, Milo; I know.

Milo hovers his hand on Gwen’s before gently touching it. Gwen looks down at it, not lifting her head up.

Milo: *softly* Hey…

Milo lifts Gwen’s chin up gently between his index finger and thumb, noticing the tear streaks on her cheeks for the first time. He tries his hardest not to react, but he is scared to know what possibly made her this upset.

Milo: Did you find something out about your cancer? Is it… something serious?

Gwen slowly blinks her teary eyes, letting the tears fall down her face. Milo doesn’t take his eyes off of her.

Milo: You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready to, but whatever it is… I’m here for you. No mater what, I will always be here for you, Gwen.

Gwen lip quivers as more tears begin to fall faster. Milo takes the sleeve of his button down shirt and wipes the tears from her face. She watches him; the gesture seems to calm her down a bit as she finally lets out a breath.

Gwen: I’m sorry, Milo.

Milo: For what? You haven’t done anything wrong–

Gwen: *shakes head* I ruined your night, I ruined your showcase–

Milo: *laughs* You didn’t ruin anything, Gwen. *sighs* Sure, Mr. Harrison is going to rip my head off on Monday, but I don’t care.

Gwen: You should; what if your dual major status gets suspended or evoked for good?

Milo shakes his head before answering.

Milo: There’s more important things that matter.

Gwen: Like what? Consoling me in our performing clothes in a cramped up treehouse?

Milo: Yes.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. Milo smiles, reassuring Gwen.

Milo: You matter.

Gwen takes a moment to look at Milo. Her expression changes back to being worried; silent tears begin to fall down her face, which one quickly wiped off with her hand. Milo doesn’t take his eyes off of her. His attention is solely on her, waiting until she is ready to say something.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: When You Finally Don’t Give a Sh—

liz

I still have this very distinct memory sitting in my thesis advisor’s office one afternoon for a meeting. Sure, we spoke about the progress of my Master’s thesis that was to be submitted in the upcoming months, as those meetings were meant for that. But, my thesis advisor was more than just my former professor working on a project with me; she was also my mentor. She was the first person that I casually spoke to that was older than me; 9 years to be exact. When I was 24, she was 33, which is crazy to think considering I am now the age she was when she first taught me in her Teaching of Writing class my first semester of grad school.

I spoke about some difficulties of life I was experiencing, and had asked her if it gets easier. She asked me “well, in what sense are you referring to?” and I told her, “not caring about what other people think of you or how they perceive you.” She smiled and let out a laugh and said, “Liz, you’re still going to experience such a wave of emotions with the life experience you’re yet to have. You’re going to feel like you’re going to need to get everything together in your 20s, when in reality you just aren’t going to. It’s when you get into your 30s you finally start to have this sense of ‘I honestly and truly do not care about what people think about me’ because you get a better understanding of yourself. It’s like you finally feel like a person when you finally let that go. That’s when you’ll feel things get easier.”

Hi, my name is Liz, I’m in my 30s, and I finally don’t give a sh—

Lemme explain.

I spent most of my 20s thinking I needed to have my life together. I went straight from college to grad school without taking a break, and spent most of it still as a student with no real life experience behind them. I was grateful to have a family that pushed the importance of education, wanting to give me the opportunity to pursue things that they were not able to do at my age. I was a first generation college and post-grad graduate all at the age of 24, and truly that’s when life started for me. It was hard to step out of my comfort zone of being a student to now being a young adult trying to find her place in a world that seemed to get smaller and smaller when it came to finding a good paying job with absolutely no work experience.

On top of that, my poor mental health was now creeping on me, affecting my daily functioning and coming out in ways that seemed extremely uncharacteristic of me. I was antisocial and never went out to social gatherings, I had a hard time keeping friendships after leaving college, and I lacked an identity so much to the point that I latched onto my partner being my identity. All the trauma that had been built up in the previous years came out in my 20s, and then poof. I became 30 years old in 2024 and things began to rapidly change with my psyche. I swear, it’s like a chemical reaction thing happens as soon as you hit 30.

Sure, I’m only technically 2 years in my 30s, but this last year and a half of being in them has taught me so much, and has helped me become aware of the things I was not able to see in myself when I was younger. Half of that was because not only did I want people to see me in a specific light, but I also wanted to see myself in that same light. It was ironic how for the majority of my 20s, I advocated immensely on self-acceptance and to always be your authentic self no matter what, yet I couldn’t seem to follow my own advice because I was afraid to come off as anything else besides the image I was portraying.

Tiny. Naive. Perfect. For the love of God, I wanted to be portrayed as perfect so bad.

As I mentioned in the last Overexposed post, I was diagnosed with OCD this past summer, and began taking medication to help manage it better. It was extremely out-of-the-blue hearing that, not understanding completely how I was now a person that was considered to have obsessions and compulsions. It felt like a foreign concept for me because it didn’t fit with the knowledge I had regarding OCD. But, the more I had my therapy sessions and the more I sat with the research and thought, it began to open a ton of doors or me mentally. It was like I had finally found the key to all of the locked doors in my brain that I was helpless to.

I learned my OCD was moral related. It was an obsession to be the perfect version of Liz I could possibly be, and the compulsions acted out in ways to enforce that obsession. I would over analyze situations in order to prepare myself how to go about acting them out. I rehearsed my personality for different people, depending on who the person was. I tried to prevent any negative thoughts about me that people may have had. I subconciously hid parts of myself in order to fit the character role I created for the different people in my life.

Maybe I stopped trying one day. Maybe I forgot to rehearse my lines in a situation that was high in anxiety and just believed in my problem solving skills. Maybe it’s the medication. Maybe it’s just my age now not giving a sh—

Maybe it was just me finally accepting who I am as a person.

I feel it in the way I interact with people these days. I don’t feel myself valuing the opinions of others by constantly referring to the past to take a mental note on how I should behave. As a matter of fact, I find myself not using the past as a guideline to how I should react and behave because I simply don’t see it as an asset to my present being. Sure, I still very much believe that the experiences I had as a teenager and young adult helped mold me into the person I am today, but I finally feel like I don’t allow them to influence my decision making, or define my entire being as I once did. It’s weird; it feels like the last time I truly saw how colorful the world was when I was a kid; back when I was unapologetically myself and now… I am beginning to see more of that color come through.

For once, I don’t feel so afraid of the future, and maybe that’s because I’m not living for it anymore. The future is great to look forward to, but it’s only going to be great if I make the most out of the present day, y’know? It’s hard when you’ve always been stuck in your head, mental checking every single detail in your life and labeling it as being observant when really it was an obsession.

So yeah. Maybe it was my age finally telling me to stop caring what people think o me and how they perceive me. You can’t please everybody, so why don’t you try pleasing the one person that actually matters? That person being you.

Or maybe it was my medication. Maybe it has helped me ease some of the subconscious anxiety I never knew I had until it acted out in behaviors that were out of my own character. Maybe of the side effects to this medicine is to finally stop caring about other’s thoughts and start caring about bettering mine to live a healthier life.

Or maybe, simply maybe, I just finally stopped giving a shit.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #48: Something Pep Doesn’t Know.

liz

Jennifer runs into the house with her bookbag, dropping it next to the front door as she always does. She quickly runs past the living room, the kitchen, and up the stairs. She runs towards her bedroom and opens the door to see her sister hanging out with her best friend, Niko.

Jennifer: Oh! Sorry…

Maryette: *to Niko* Yet when she’s hanging out with her friends in here, I get yelled at.

Niko laughs as Jennifer rolls her eyes. She walks to the empty room next to their bedroom to find something. The two kids look at her.

Maryette: What are you looking for?

Jennifer: None of your business, Mars.

Maryette: Well, if it’s anything that was laying around in that room, Mom said she was going to throw it out.

Jennifer straightens her body upwards, quickly turning around to look at her sister.

Jennifer: What do you mean ‘throw it out’?

Maryette: *obviously* ‘Throw it out’ as in placed in a garbage bag and thrown out in the garbage…

Jennifer frantically searches the closet again, but doesn’t have any luck finding what she’s looking for.

Jennifer: I had a scarf in there! It was a scarf and it was there–

Maryette: Mom was cleaning up that extra room for the new baby.

Jennifer cringed at the thought. She takes in a deep breath before saying anything else.

Jennifer: Where is mom, by the way?

Maryette: She might be in the garage sorting boxes out.

Jennifer runs back down the stairs, toward the entrance of the garage. She sees both her mom and Justin chatting before being interrupted.

Lydia: Hi, Peppie–

Jennifer: Where’s the black and white scarf that you took from the spare room? I left it in there so that it doesn’t get ruined.

Lydia: Anything that was in that room was taken out; your father and I are looking to start putting together the baby’s room–

Jennifer: *angry* I just want to know where you put that scarf, mom!

Lydia: *defensive* Pep, it’s nearly 70 degrees outside; why the hell would you need to wear a scarf–

Jennifer: *louder* Omg, just tell me where it is!

Justin goes to one of the bins in the garage, near the band equipment that surrounded the room. Jennifer walks over to Justin, annoyed that he of all people was walking towards the one thing that is hers.

Jennifer: Don’t touch that!

Justin: *taken aback* I-I’m just grabbing the bin of things we moved from the room.

Jennifer doesn’t say anything; Justin places the bin in front of Jennifer, looking at her as he does. Jennifer opens the lid and digs through the bin, retrieving the scarf. She turns around and leaves the garage, unable to look at Justin in the face.

Justin: You’re welcome.

Jennifer slams the garage door behind her, still not saying anything to her father.

…

Jennifer sits in a booth at a McDonalds, laughing as she scoops a spoonful of her McFlurry in her mouth. Nate sits across from her, smiling as they talk.

Nate: You know, you look so much better in my scarf.

Jennifer: *rolls her eyes playfully* Of course you’d say that.

Nate: I only state the facts.

Jennifer smiles and puts the spoon back in her cup, crossing her arms to look at Nate.

Jennifer: You’re still working on your dual major project thingymabob?

Nate: *nods* We had a rehearsal at the school for the showcase the other day; Mr. Harrison practically demanded us to be at the rehearsal since some of the other dual majors were absent.

Jennifer: Really? You’d think being one of the top student groups at Waverly, you’d be on top of your shit.

Nate: I know, right? I feel like there’s so many people in the program that just don’t take it seriously. We are the first of its kind and there’s some people that really don’t deserve it.

Jennifer: It’s a shame. I didn’t even know there were people like that in the program. From the way Milo talks about it, it’s like it’s just another extra class on your schedule.

Nate looks at Jennifer with a visible perplexed expression on his face. Jennifer notices the change.

Jennifer: What?

Nate: Not to be in anyone’s business, but Milo was one of the people that didn’t show up to rehearsal the other day after school.

Jennifer tilts her head and cocks an eyebrow up.

Jennifer: He wasn’t?

Nate: *shakes his head* It’s annoying since he’s really one of the only string players in the dual major program, so it’s noticeable when he’s not there to rehearse. Mr. Harrison was pissed about it since we’re so close to the showcase.

Jennifer takes this newfound information in, piecing together a timeline of events.

Jennifer: That’s not like him. I can ask him about it when I see him later.

Nate raises an eyebrow at Jennifer. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head before speaking.

Jennifer: He’s staying with me and my family while his parents are away.

Nate: *discouraged* Oh.

Jennifer: His parents have been my mom’s friends forever–

Nate: Does that change anything?

Jennifer looks at Nate confused, tilting her head to the side slightly.

Jennifer: What are you saying?

Nate: *sigh* I see the way he looks at you, Jennifer. Friends don’t look at their friends like that.

Jennifer starts laughing out loud; other people around them begin to notice.

Jennifer: Yeah, okay–and one day we’re gonna get married–

Nate: *serious* Jennifer…

Jennifer: Do you see how ridiculous that sounds, Nate? Milo and I have always been best friends; nothing more. He’s like my brother from another mother in some way.

Nate: *leans back* I don’t want to feel like I’m in competition with someone you’ve known your entire life.

Jennifer: *reassuring* And you’re not. He doesn’t see me like that and I definitely don’t see him like that.

Nate doesn’t say anything back, he continues to eat his meal as Jennifer looks at him, noticing the shift in mood. She doesn’t say anything else to him.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

My Insecurities, His Impurities: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

It was a late night at Jennifer’s studio for me. I was exhausted having had vocal rehearsal after school for the showcase tomorrow night, and then run straight here in order to finish this dance piece for the recital in a couple of weeks. Jennifer had left for a moment to go home and put the girls down for the night; she trusted me enough to be alone in the dance studio, but didn’t trust me for anything else. It was probably because it was the most serious I was about something in my life. I grew up in this studio. I still remember the days that our parents would come to our dance festivals and watch the different performances in each division. Jennifer, my own sister, was the catalyst for all of the dancers in the neighborhood. Almost every dancer within the neighborhood came to this academy; while some of them took up dance as just an after school activity, very few stayed within the academy. In a sense, I felt like the academy was more of my home than my actual home. This is the place I grew up in. This is truly my safe space.

I continued to practice the dance piece in the studio, allowing the sweat drip down my back as I danced. The music stops and I land my ending position, trying to catch my breath. I hear someone clapping behind me; I rolled my eyes thinking it was Jennifer watching me dance. I turned around to say something to her, like ‘why are you so surprised, you choreographed this dance‘, but was surprised to see someone else.

“What are you doing here?” I asked Milo as he stood at the other side of the room.

“You should know that Jennifer drives me home on the nights I have rehearsal,” Milo said as he sat down on the bench. It bothered me that he was sitting in the studio, sitting in my safe space.

“Well I’m never actually looking for you,” I said as I turned around, walking toward my bag on the floor. “So I wouldn’t know.”

“Funny,” Milo began to say in a sarcastic way. “That wasn’t the case when you saw Sophie and I at the park a week ago.” I immediately freeze in place. Oh my God, did Jennifer say something to him?

“Who says I did?” I turned around and asked.

“Mol,” Milo deadpanned, not entertaining the question. “I don’t care what you do, and would never go out of my way to tell your mom that you were somewhere with a person–“

“The difference is that Aaron’s my boyfriend–“

“Yeah, you mention it every chance you get,” Milo interrupted me. “That still doesn’t answer the question in why would you tell my dad that I was in the park with Sophie. That wasn’t any of your business–“

“Where is this even coming from?” I asked, getting louder. “You get a girl to finally kiss you and all of a sudden you’re the man?” I scoffed as I looked at him. “Please. You’re still the awkward little music freak that I have to save in order for the bullies to not stuff you in a locker at gym–“

“You think you’re special?” Milo begins to laugh. “You’re the girlfriend of a boy that loves his stupid little band more than his actual girlfriend.” I scrunched my eyebrows together, furious at his allegation. “I hear him talk all day in band class, and you never tend to be the subject of the conversation.”

“That girl changed you,” I said, disgusted at his behavior. “You seriously let some girl change your entire personality. It’s sad, really. What? She let you smash and now you’re wrapped around her finger?” I start to laugh, thinking that I got the last one in this conversation. Something was different this time. He didn’t do his usual whine-complain thing he does when I say something absurd like that. I say it to get a reaction, wanting to really find out what it was about Sophie that completely changed him. He wasn’t the same person I entered Waverly High with. That version of Milo was forever gone.

Or maybe fragments of it are still there. I look at Milo’s face. His brows quietly rested back in place. Any color on his face immediately disappeared. It looked like he was about to vomit any second now. My face completely drops, putting together everything like a puzzle I’ve been trying to find the last missing piece for. I went through various amounts of emotions in the time span of the last minute; in control, confusion, revelation.

“Oh my god.” It was all I was able to say as I looked at Milo. Milo froze in place, unable to speak in this moment. “You and Sophie did… it, didn’t you?” I finally asked. Milo’s lack of answer was loud and clear. Fragments of the boy I once knew are still there. I started to take everything in; the last year being in Waverly and how much our lives have changed since the beginning. I remember starting Waverly with Milo, excited to shed the naive, and young middle school Mollie to become the mature, and grown high school version. A new school, despite how many of us came from Beverley Junior High, meant that you had a clean slate to become anyone you wanted to be. I encouraged Milo to do the same, not realizing that in the process, he’d become completely unrecognizable.

I quickly grabbed my stuff from the ground, needing to get away from Milo. He immediately reacted, walking towards me quickly.

“Mol,” Milo begin to say.

“I can’t believe you–” I started to say, unable to finish my sentence.

“Can you just calm down?” Milo pleaded. I couldn’t keep still; the thought that Milo would do the same exact thing he hated for his dad to nag about, followed by the thought of Milo even be capable of doing what he did with Sophie. I didn’t know how to calm down; the only thing I could do is shake my head and let out a laugh. “What?” Milo asked me, seeming annoyed to how I was reacting.

“What do you want me to say? I’m proud of you? Or wait–even better–Dude! Congrats on being the first one to lose their virginity!” I looked at Milo straight in the eyes; his usual purple-colored eyes are now seemingly dark grey. “And you have the nerve to constantly come at me about Aaron when this whole time, you’re fucking a girl that you aren’t officially dating.”

“It was only one time,” Milo defended. “I find it hard to believe that you and Aaron haven’t done it yet.” I couldn’t help but feel the rage seep up in my body.

“Despite what you believe; we haven’t,” I spat back, crossing my arms along my chest. “Even if we were, why would I ever confine in you with something like that? We aren’t friends anymore.”

“So why do you care what Sophie and I do?” Milo debated.

“I don’t,” I emphasized. “What bothers me is that you chose to let go of your best friend after I didn’t tell you about me dating Aaron.”

“Aaron got my dual major status taken away from me, Mol!” he argued. “Your boyfriend was the reason that your best friend couldn’t do what he really wants to do for nearly two months–“

“At least you’re doing what you want to do in Waverly!” I yelled back. “I have to sit there and pretend that vocal is my true passion, learn music and carry out solos just because I couldn’t go for the dance major or become a dual major of my own. You left me because someone that you don’t like did something to you, Milo! And now you’re standing there, trying to convince me that what you and Sophie are doing doesn’t matter? That you tell everyone in the world that you don’t want to become like your parents when you get older, and that you have dreams and goals that mean so much more to you, yet you go and do the same stupid shit that your parents did!” I felt like a broken record talking to Milo. How many different ways am I suppose to tell him that he is just as responsible for our friendship ending? How many times will I run around this circle with him, convincing him that we are letting two people break something that was indestructible. How many faces of Milo am I going to see before I can’t completely recognize him anymore?

I shook my head, grabbing my things and walking toward the exit of the studio. Milo stood there, frozen in place as he’s been this entire time. “Mol,” he finally said as I walked past him. I immediately stopped, as if it was an instant reflex to stop to listen to him.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Milo softly said. That’s when it really hit me. The truth. The severity of the entire conversation. Milo had sex with Sophie. He lost his virginity. “You hear me, Mol?” He walked in front of me, looking at me directly in the eyes. “You hear me?!”

“I hear you,” I finally said, understanding just how serious he was. If I didn’t know Milo well enough, he wouldn’t have ever told me. That bothers me. Even if we ever were to become friends again, I believe this would be something he’d never speak from his lips. It goes against everything he’s told everyone around him. It puts him in the exact place that his dad predicted he’ll be if he continued hanging out with Sophie alone. To some extent, he’s ashamed of what he’s done. But in a strange way, I can understand. Love can make us do some crazy things.

He doesn’t say anything after that, so I continue to walk out of the studio.

I couldn’t help but think about what Milo said. You’re the girlfriend of a boy that loves his stupid little band more than his actual girlfriend. Was that true? Did Aaron only care about his band more than me? I notice a change in him every time his band is mentioned. I understand that he cares about his band a lot; it’s his passion project. It was something that he and his friends grew from the ground up and worked to be where they are at. I get it, yet the truth still upsets me.

I walked out of the studio room to see Jennifer coming out of her office. She looks at me walking down the hall, towards the exit of the door.

“Mollie?” she called out.

“I’m walking home,” I quickly said to Jennifer. “I refuse to sit in the same car as Milo.” I continued walking towards the exit door, not looking back. No U-turns. No second guessing. Nothing.