“So, you’re from South Korea?” Grace asked as she sipped on her iced coffee. It was literally a cup full of ice and brewed coffee; no cream, milk; nothing. I never met a person that preferred drinking their coffee completely black.

I nodded my head, putting my iced americano down on the table.

“Korea; yes,” I said. I had mentioned that we don’t distinguish the two, but understand why foreigners do. “I’m here for a business trip.”

“You mentioned that you’re here for a case,” Grace pointed out, sighing afterwards. “I would hate to go to a different country just to work my job.”

“Yeah, but I don’t mind it,” I said, smiling at her. “I see it as opportunity to explore the world.”

“I bet you get homesick a lot though,” Grace began to say, sipping her iced coffee. She was nearly done with it and sat the plastic cup down on the table. I didn’t blame her; it was particularly hot on this summer day, and this cafe did not have central air conditioner running. “Not to be cliche, but there’s no place like home.”

“You’re not wrong,” I responded. “Home is where the heart is.” Grace couldn’t help but laugh.

“That was really cliche,” Grace said as she laughed. “But I agree with you.”

“Yeah?” I questioned, “Is New York your home?”

“To some extent, yes,” Grace answered. “I was born in New York, but my dad and I moved to Virginia when I was still a baby.” I nodded, listening to Grace but noticed that she only mentioned living with her father. Perhaps she grew up in a co-parent household; something that was uncommon in Korean culture. “Then I moved to New York when I went to college, so it’s been home since then but New York has always felt like home more than any place I lived before.”

“And your daughter is here,” I added, nodding towards the scroller next to Grace. She smiled at her daughter, Willow, who cooed at her mother. It made me smile to see a mother and daughter interaction like that.

“Do you have a family back in Korea?” Grace asked. “Wife? Kids?”

“No, no,” I scoffed, feeling a bit uncomfortable in my seat. “Mother and two sisters.” Grace was the one now nodding, listening to my story.

“Your dad is not in the picture?” Grace asked. I was taken back by her question, considering I didn’t question her about her one-parent household.

“He passed away a couple of years ago,” I said. It was the first time actually saying it out loud.

“I’m sorry; it must’ve been rough for you and your family,” Grace empathized, pondering in her own thought. “Having to be the man of the family now.” I looked up at Grace, and I couldn’t help but smirk at her comment.

“How do you know that?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“You’ve come to learn that when there’s a parent missing in your family you tend to become that figure in your family somehow.” Grace answered. My smirk disappeared, getting the answer to the question I didn’t ask.

“It’s why I travel a lot,” I admitted, now being more serious. “Traveling allows me to be just Jamie. Not my mother’s son or my sisters’ brother; just… Jamie.” Grace nodded, taking in my words.

“Maybe you’re looking for another home,” Grace said, fidgeting with her fingers. “Maybe you’re looking for a home that is your own.” I leaned back in my chair, not understanding how a woman that I met just a few weeks ago can completely break me down cognitively. It was like she was speaking through experience, and she saw it through mine. I shook my head, spinning the straw around the melting ice in my glass.

“Korea is my home,” I said, not feeling anything behind those words.

…

“Mom,” I smiled as the front door opened. My mom was taken by surprise, but she seemed really happy to see me.

“Jaemin,” she said, escorting me into her house. She closed the door behind us before she came to hug me. “I wasn’t expecting you today; this is such a lovely surprise.”

“I was around the neighborhood and wanted to stop by,” I said, looking at my mother. I can notice how much older she is getting just by looking at her face. Time is truly passing us all by.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” my mom mentioned, directing me to the kitchen table as she went into her cabinet. “Do you want something to eat? Drink?”

“Mom,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m okay, just come sit down.” My mom turned around to face me; she has a worried look on her face.

“No food? Are you sick?” She quickly asked.

“No, mom; I’m okay,” I said, putting a smile on my face to reassure her. “You said you wanted to talk to me about something?” I remember how hard it was to keep my mom’s thoughts on track as she got older. She tried her best to keep everything together, but we all knew that it was frustrating for her as well.

“Oh! Yes,” my mom said as she sat down in the seat across from me. “Mina said she spoke to Haram and said you two broke up,” she scrunched her eyebrows together. “What happened? When were you going to tell me this happened?”

“Mom,” I said again, shaking my head. “We broke up a couple of weeks ago. We had tons of differences and—”

“Differences? She is a Korean woman and you are a Korean man; you both have the same values,” my mom try to rationalize the situation. “Haram was a very nice girl for you to settle down with, and she was very family oriented.”

“It just… didn’t work out,” I tried to sugarcoat the real reason, still afraid that if i told my mom the truth, she would be upset with me, No matter what you do or say; she’s going to be upset, Jamie. “I don’t share the same goals as Haram.”

“I think you’re just confused,” my mom shook her head, holding my hand being dismissive. “I’ll make dinner for you and Haram and—”

“Mom,” I finally called her in a stern way, just wanting her to listen to me for once. “I broke up with her.” She looked at me, shock written on her face.

“Oh, Jaemin,” my mom said, shaking her head. “I worry about you sometimes, being in your 30s without a wife and kids of your own. Just going day-by-day working your job and going home to an empty house. I truly thought that Haram changed you.”

“Changed me?” I questioned, confused at my mom’s phrasing.

“Keeping you grounded,” she elaborated. “You’ve always been one to wander out, as if you’re trying to find something that isn’t here. You never wanted to stay in the same place for too long. I never understood that about you considering your sisters were always around.” I looked at my mother as she spoke, taking in the words that she was saying out loud. She looked at me with worried eyes; a look I knew all too well whenever I spoke to my mom. It was the look she gave me when I first told her that I was going away for law school. It was the look that she gave me when I told her my job would require me to be way for long periods of time. She didn’t openly say it, but I know she’s sad whenever her whole family aren’t together for special occasions; not in the way that we did when my father was still around.

“I’m not like Mina or Minji,” I answered, smiling at my mom. “I can’t stay in the same place for too long, even if that place is home.” My mom looked at me with a confused look; she had no idea where this was going. “I came here because I wanted to talk to you about something as well.”

“What is it?” my mom said, again wearing this worried look on her face. You have to do this for you, Jamie. For your future. For your happiness.

“I’m planning to move,” I confessed. “Somewhere outside of Korea.”

“Mwo?” my mom questioned. “What do you mean somewhere outside of the country? Are you going back to America?”

“That is the goal,” I said, not really confident in my answer. A part of me knew what it was that I wanted, but the reality of it was I had no idea if this was a good decision to make. I knew I needed to leave home simply because this… wasn’t home. I knew that much.

“I was thinking about moving to New York,” I said.

“Ya, New York? Of all the places in the world, you want to go and live in that dirty and dangerous place?” my mom argued. “What has gotten into you? Your whole life is here–“

“Your whole life is here, mom,” I corrected. My mom looked at me, shaking her head in disagreement with me. “When you were my age, you decided to make this your home. You and dad raised your kids here in hopes that they also find a home in the same places, and for most of my life this was home to me.”

“Something must have changed,” my mom continued to protest.

“I changed,” I corrected her again. “And… I found my home in a place that I didn’t think I ever would be.”

“You are willing to leave your family behind to go live in a country that only sees you as some foreigner? Some immigrant?” My mom was upset now, and I should’ve been prepared for this reaction. I wanted to retract this entire idea because I see how much it’s upsetting my mother. She didn’t need this added on stress at her age, but… I’m deserving of happiness.

“No matter where I go, I’ll be seen as one; but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s been at least 4 years since I was last in New York and since then I’ve done nothing but miss it like I was homesick.” I looked at my mother in her eyes. I can see she was holding back tears, and it was nearly breaking me. Fight for your happiness, Jamie. Fight for your home. “I have to start living my own life if I ever want to make a space my home in the future. Shouldn’t that matter the most? My happiness?” I felt like I was pleading at this point, trying to get my mother to understand that no matter how she twists it or guilt trips me into staying, I’m already one step out of the door, yearning to start living my life as authentic as possible.

“Mom,” I said as I placed my hand over hers on the table. “You and dad raised us to believe we can have whatever we wanted as long as we worked hard for it. For me, it’s different; Mina and Minji have you to talk to about these scary things and ask you for advise about life decisions. I… lost that when dad passed.” This was the first time in a long time I spoke about this out loud. As the years passed, I don’t think too much about my dad unless I’m in situations where I wish he was still here to talk things out with. Based on our prior conversations, I know he would want me to choose my happiness rather than sacrifice it for the sake of other people.

“Jaemin,” my dad said as he looked over at me. It was an unseasonably warm day in the park, but still . It was turning into a summer night as the hours began to pass by. “I’m going to tell you something I was told back when I was in college. You can want it all, and you can have it all… but, not all at once.” I looked at him, confused by what he meant.

“That’s discouraging,” I joked, throwing rocks in the pond, watching them skip above the water. He laughed loud enough for the people walking by to turn their heads toward our direction.

“See it this way, Jaemin,” he started to explain. “I know that you want to be a brother to to your sisters. You want to be a son to your mom and I. You want to be a student in law school, you want to be a traveler to different places around the world, you want to be a friend to those you care about. But, in order to achieve true happiness, you have to prioritize the one thing that you want in this exact moment.” He turned his head toward me and smiled. “If law school is something you want for yourself in this moment, then go and be a student. Just because you can’t actively be the other things you want to juggle at the same time, it does not mean you ever stop being that to them.”

“Dad told me that I can have it all, but not all at once,” I explained to my mom. “Just because I am choosing to focus on something that takes away from being with you and the family doesn’t mean I stop being a part of the family. I will always be your son, and I will always be Mina and Minji’s brother.” My mother didn’t look completely convinced, but her face softened up a bit.

“You’re a grown man, Jaemin. Who am I to keep you from going after what you want out of life,” she responded, sighing as she got her thoughts together. “I know you will be fine wherever you go. Your father would’ve said the same thing.” She put her hand on top of mine. I looked at her and pulled her into a hug, holding her in my arms tight.

“Thank you,” I said to my mom, not because of her giving me her blessing to go out and live my life, but for everything she’s done for me in my life.

…

“That didn’t sound convincing,” Grace pointed out, raising an eyebrow. “Sure, maybe Korea felt like home to you growing up, but that doesn’t seem like the case anymore.” I couldn’t help but scoff at Grace, amused of her brutal honesty.

“Okay ‘Ms. Defense Lawyer’,” I teased, trying to downplay the interrogation. “What evidence do you have that implies your defense?”

“In your testimony, you’ve mentioned that traveling gives you the opportunity to travel the world,” Grace began to say. “Normally, people go away with the intention of coming back home after a week or two, like a vacation of some sort. But, those who choose to go away to do their job typically are looking for an escape from their ‘home’ in hopes that the place they are staying in mimics that feeling of being home.” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, feeling hot in the face since I was taken back at the accuracy of Grace’s observation. I clapped my hands, giving her a round of applause.

“For someone that’s fairly new in the profession, I must say; you do it like a seasoned pro.” I commented. Grace shook her head, seeming to disagree with me.

“Nah,” Grace responded as she took out her wallet, presumably to put towards the check. “I think it’s just something that we have in common.”

“You’ve been in love with her the entire time.”

I began to wrap up my work for the day, sitting at my desk in the office in silence. I’ve been running on iced americano drinks with extra shots of espresso, still feeling mentally exhausted from these last couple of days. I’ve buried myself in administrative work in hopes to have some normalcy back in my life. Nothing helped; my mind kept spinning and replaying the other night.

I’ve tried to call Haram since Skylar’s outburst, and every time I’ve tried she either forwards it to voicemail, or picks up just to say that she’s too busy to talk. I’ve continuously called her until she finally agreed to sit down with me to talk. I felt guilty that she had to go through something that she didn’t ask to go through. She went to Shawn and Skylars place simply for the fact that she’s my girlfriend. I felt responsible for the mess that conspired that night, and I wanted nothing more than to just talk to her about it.

“You’ve been in love with her the entire time,” Kevin stated. It wasn’t a question anymore. All I could do is look at him, trying to find something to say. I couldn’t; nothing could actually convey exactly how I feel about Grace. “Aigoo.”

…

“Haram,” I said, standing up from my seat at the restaurant once she walked in. I pulled out her seat for her, she smiled as she sat. “I hope the traffic wasn’t too bad coming here.”

“It wasn’t too bad,” she said, taking off her coat and placed it behind her seat. “The rain made the drive seemed longer.” I nodded, sitting back down in my seat. Nothing was said after that, but thankfully the waiter came to get us some drinks before we ordered dinner. I cleared my throat, starting the conversation again.

“I can’t explain it,” I finally said to Kevin, putting the pieces together in my mind. “I’ve tried to move on for years. I’ve tried to focus my life on my family, my career; pretend that New York never even happened. But I can’t. I can’t escape everything we’ve been through—”

“Thanks for meeting me,” I started to say.

“Why wouldn’t I,” Haram said, looking at the waiter and thanking him when he came with our drinks. Haram ordered a beer to have with dinner. I ordered a soda instead. “I just needed some time to process everything that happened that night.”

“I respect that,” I said, sipping my drink, clearing my throat once again. “It was a lot to take in, especially after drinking and… yeah.” Haram sighed again, seeming annoyed.

“Jaemin,” Haram finally said, dropping the facade she came in with. “I wish you told me this instead of an external person. I understand that this was something that happened before us, but what I don’t understand is why you never told me this thing about your past.”

“It’s called ‘living it in the past’,” Kevin emphasized.

“I can’t leave it in the past if…” I took a moment to finally say it.

I looked at Haram as she spoke, analyzing the way she was articulating her words. Knowing Haram, I could sense she was trying to sugarcoat how she felt for the sake of saving our relationship. Haram had this thing that she needed to control the relationships she had with people in her life, but in the process these people in them would step all over her, knowing she would try to find a way to put the blame on herself. It wasn’t right.

“It was something I was still dealing with,” I started to explain. “It was something that I needed to come to terms in my own pace—”

“And I understand that,” Haram interrupted. “That isn’t something that you heal from overnight… but,” Haram was trying to make sense of everything, and I don’t blame her for not being able to; it was something that you didn’t expect to ever come up when you’re in a relationship with someone. “It concerns me that she’s somewhat in your life.”

“I know,” I said, sighing. “But you have to understand that Grace and I will always e connected through Shawn and Skylar. We are cordial for the sake of them—”

“Jaemin,” Haram softly said, taking in a deep breath. She really was trying to say the right things, and I was just sitting here, waiting for her to finally speak what was on her mind. “We’ve been together for a couple of months now, and before Grace came in the picture, I was able to see my future with you. I had no reason to question whether or not this relationship was the right one. You were… a different person. You were my boyfriend before she came back into your life. I just want that person back.” I looked at Haram as she spoke, feeling guilty the longer she explained how she felt. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve someone that wasn’t fully living in the present.

“You have to think about things, Hyung,” Kevin pointed at me as he spoke. “Your whole life is here. Your job is here, your family is here; going to America to be with Grace means you’re leaving your entire life behind.” Kevin finally looked at me in the eyes as he spoke. “You’re left with two options: are you going to let things be in the past, or are you willing to leave everything behind just to be with Grace?”

“I’m sorry, Haram,” I responded. Nothing else could come out after that. That’s all I could say, in hopes that she’d understand what I was truly saying. She was smart and observant; I know she would be able to put the pieces together. I could see the hurt on her face. She cleared her throat before she said anything else.

“You’re going to have to say it,” Haram said as she fidgeted with her fingers.

“I can’t leave it in the past if my feelings for Grace never went away,” I confessed to Kevin. Kevin got up from his seat and paced around the small office. He turned around to give me one final look, but his face completely changed. It wasn’t mean or stoic looking; it was empathetic.

“Well, then you got some work to do,” Kevin said as he crossed his arms and leaned toward the doorframe. “Some challenges to face along the way, and they aren’t going to be easy.”

“You’ve been nothing but great to me in the short time we’ve been together, and please know that I enjoyed every moment we spent. But,” I tried to find the right words to say this, but quickly realized that nothing could possibly make this easy for her to hear, and easier for me to say. “But I can’t be the man you want me to be. And for that, I’m sorry.” Haram looked down at her lap, nodding her head before looking back up at me. I could see the tears building up in her eyes. She let out a deep breath, and finally looked into my eyes.

“I know you can’t,” Haram finally said, a tear falling down her cheek. “I know you still love her. Woman’s intuition.”

“I know,” I responded back, standing up from my chair to walk Kevin out.

“You sure?’ Kevin questioned. “You are choosing something completely unconventional in the eyes of your loved ones.”

“I’m choosing someone that I unconditionally love,” I responded, putting it out in the universe.

“Take care of yourself, Jaemin,” Haram sighed as she got up from her seat. “I hope you finally get the happiness you’ve been seeking for. You deserve to find it.”

“You too, Haram,” I said. Haram faintly smiled as she turned around to leave the restaurant. I watched her close the door behind her, closing a chapter of her life. Revising the one I haven’t read back in a long time.

I grew up watching the other little girls get dropped off for dance practice by their mothers. The other dancers would come into the studio with their hair pulled back in a cute little bun with a bow that matched their leotard for the day. The moms came in with their dance bags, kissing their daughters goodbye before they left in their mini vans for the day.

My dad tried to be a dance mom in a sense, but he had no idea what it was to even be one. In the dance world, I felt like a dance orphan; I was left to dress myself for practice, do my own hair, and make sure I brought everything I needed in my dance bag. What also made it feel even more real was that I was always the last person to be picked up because my dad worked late hours; most of the time he was active on a case and had my Uncle Mason pick me up. He would disguised himself as my dad; it was easy since they were twin brothers.

Since then, dance has always been something that I did by myself with no one else to help me. I was my own “dance everything”, and still reigns true to this day.

I walked into our last mandatory rehearsal before the last run of our shows. It was crazy to think that this day would finally come after a year of shows and rehearsals, working on the same numbers that have been embedded in our memory for the rest of our lives. I looked around the space, looking to see if Sahim was here today. On a normal day, he’s here to greet me with a hug or kiss and wish me good luck on the rehearsal. In a sense, his presence this past year had filled that void that was missing at my dance practices growing up. He would carry my bag, make sure I looked fine before heading to the stage, and supported me throughout them by watching on the sidelines. Today, he did none of that, and I feel the knot in my stomach tighten as reality begins to set in. Thankfully, Sonia walked into the space before my thoughts had time to spiral out of control at this point.

“Good afternoon, everyone,” Sonia greeted the room. She smiled wide, probably also feeling how surreal to experience this last rehearsal. “Last rehearsal of the production; time has truly flown by.” She immediately changes her tone of voice, getting in her director persona. “We will be spending today on the stage doing our final dress rehearsal; we will be doing it in parts like we’ve always done, and new numbers will be reviewed and finalized at the end of the day.” Sonia darted her eyes at me, which made some of the other dancers turn their heads toward me. “Ms. Ashmore, please see me at the end of the final number to review your number.” My face got hot, but I nodded my head to confirm. Sonia proceed to talk to the rest of the dancers as I let out a deep breath, nervous about putting this number on the stage for the first time.

…

The stage was the only thing lit up when I entered it for practice. The audience was pitch black; it almost felt like there was nothing even out there in that void. I spot Sonia coming from the side of the stage and walks over to me. I was nervous; I wasn’t ever in a situation where I had rehearsal with just Sonia alone. Her face got serious when we both faced each other on the stage.

“How are you feeling about your number?” Sonia asked. I sighed, which summed up how I truly felt.

“I’m nervous,” I said, looking around the stage and out toward the seats. “I haven’t… performed a piece I’ve choreographed myself since I was a teenager.”

“You danced that far back?” Sonia asked, seemingly shocked at my statement. I nodded before continuing my story.

“It was for a scholarship at Juilliard,” I said, reminiscing about my 17-year-old self. “I had transferred to Waverly High for the Performing Arts for my senior year, and the dance program was a part of this competition that granted them first place winner a full scholarship into the Juilliard dance academy.”

“Waverly? I heard great things about that school. Who was your dance teacher?” Sonia asked. I looked at her, not knowing how to answer the question without sharing so much of my backstory to her.

“Ironically, it was my mother,” I said as I let out a deep breath. “Being in her class was how I officially met her for the first time… second time, I guess.” Sonia’s eyes widen; I know she wasn’t expecting me to say that.

“Did she see you perform that piece? Or was it just a student thing that they did on their own?” Sonia asked, intrigued by the story.

“She saw me perform the piece,” I said, looking out toward the black void of the venue. “You don’t see anyone in the audience when you perform on stage because of the lights. It’s a blessing, and a curse; a blessing that you don’t see hundreds of eyes looking at you, and even if you mess up a part, they wouldn’t even noticed that you did because they’re just watching you. But when you know someone is watching you that you care about, it’s like you wish you were able to see their face as you perform, wondering what they could be thinking while you’re up on stage.”

I closed my eyes and remember the shimmery golden dance costume I wore for the competition. I remember how it shined every time I moved on stage. I remember seeing my mother out in the audience, watching her daughter dance on a stage for the first time in her life. The first time for the both of us. She looked so proud, tearing up by the end of the piece. I wondered what she was thinking when she saw me up there. It was soothing to know that even though she didn’t know me well, she felt something when I danced, and I fathered that than nothing at all in that moment.

“I can tell you after your performance,” a voiced said, but it wasn’t Sonia’s voice. I immediately turned my head and looked at the direction that the voice was coming from. I seriously thought my eyes were playing games with me.

“Mom?” I said. My mom walked on the stage with a huge smile on her face. “I—what—” I turned my head to see the smile on Sonia’s face as well. She definitely was in on this.

“I swear I did not plan for the story to be the one that you told me,” Sonia commented before walking to my mother and hugging her. “Mollie, it’s been way too long!”

“30 years too long,” my mom said before looking at me. I couldn’t say anything in that moment, and she could obviously see that. “It’s so good to see you, Gracie.”

…

“So what made you even come out here?” I asked as my mom and I sat in a cafe, catching up over some coffee. The waitress comes to our table with two black coffees; I clearly picked this habit up from my mother.

“Well, Sonia had called me,” my mom said, stirring her coffee with a spoon. “She wanted to talk about something business related.”

“So you just packed a bag and decided to fly across the world for just a business meeting?” I questioned, trying to piece together my mother’s logic. She rolled her eyes before answering.

“If it was just that, I would’ve told her to send that shit through a text,” she explained. “But I also wanted to be here for your last show before the production ends.” I raised my eyebrows, a bit shocked that she wouldn’t do something like that. She had already seen the show when it first started almost a year ago online, and nothing much as changed about it besides—

“Did Sonia tell you about my solo performance?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow up. My mother looked at me; she was clearly guilty. I couldn’t help but scoff. “Of course she did.”

“She might’ve mentioned it to influence me coming here,” my mom teased, sipping her coffee. She scrunched her face after tasting the coffee. “This is way too light compared to American coffee—”

“Mom,” I said, trying to get her back on track. She placed the coffee down on the table and sighed.

“She mentioned that you’ve been… going through some stuff lately,” my mom confessed, looking at me with a serious look. “She said that you seemed distracted, like your mind has been on something else.”

“Mom,” I sighed, not wanting to get into this any further.

“I get that the production is ending and you’re nervous coming back to America,” my mom continued. “I get it, I was there and I felt the same way, but—”

“Mom, please,” I interrupted. I was getting angry, and she could tell that the conversation was about to go in a different direction. “I don’t want to get in this with you.”

“One day, we’re going to have to talk about it,” my mom emphasized.

“Oh, is that the real reason you’re here? Making up for lost time or something?” I said, now feeling super exposed.

“I’m here because I wanted to see my daughter dance on the biggest stage of her entire career,” she spat back. “I’m here because despite what we’ve both been through in our lives, despite how you perceived me as growing up and despite what you carry, that I always loved you.”

“If you really loved me, you would’ve came back to America once you realized that the only person you wanted to see after a year of being away was your daughter,” I confessed. “That’s what I want to do after this production is over. I want to hug my daughter and tell her how much I love and missed her and see all of the things she’s learned and how tall she grew and be her mom.” My mom just stared at me, deciphering the words I spat out at her.

“I simply wasn’t as strong as you at your age,” my mom finally said. “I wasn’t able to distinctively separate the things that mattered versus the things that I thought mattered at the time. And because of that, I will forever be sorry for that, even after allowing me to be a part of your life now.” I looked at my mother intently as she spoke, realizing that this was how our conversations will be when she tried being a mother to me.

I love her, and I look up to her as a professional dancer. I can’t take that away from her as she worked hard to be recognized as one of the best of her generation. I can’t take away the fact that her decisions were most likely influenced from her own upbringing. I can’t judge her for her cognitive dissonance, the way she reacts to things and kill myself wondering how someone that carried their child for 9 months can simply leave for a year and never come back home.

I can’t keep asking the same questions just to get the same answers and feel disappointed by them every single time.

I let out a deep breath before I adjusted in my seat. I looked at my mom before I said anything to her. In this case, I would rather feel nothing at all than to feel something right now.

“So, you said Sonia wanted to talk business with you?” I asked, changing the subject. “She mentioned that she was retiring after this production was finished.” My mom took a deep breath before she spoke. It was rare for my mother to be speechless for a long period of time, but somehow I was capable of doing that to her.

“Uhm, yeah,” she finally said, clearing her throat. “She mentioned that the academy was looking for another director to replace her after this production, and recommended me for the position.” My eyes widen; surprised.

“Oh,” I said, letting the thought ponder. “Did you say yes?” My mom looked at me, not seeming excited about possibly taking this role. I knew my mom more than I gave myself credit for, and not because I’ve grown to known her well, but because she handles things in the same way I do. There was more to this story than she was letting on. “Did you come here to take the offer?”

“I don’t know if I should, to be quite honest,” she said, stirring the coffee with her spoon. “This position requires a lot, and things are just… different now.”

“They are,” I added. “Which is why I think you should take the position.” My mom looked at me, confused at my comment.

“I don’t understand,” she began to say, adjusting in her seat. “Five minutes ago we were just talking about how me leaving the family behind when I was younger; now you’re encouraging me to go?”

“I’m not a little girl anymore,” I said. “And, I’m talking to you as one dancer to another.” My mom’s face slowly relaxed; she was beginning to realize just how different the dynamic of our relationship truly was. She started to understand where I was coming from. “I think you are the type of person that a production like this needs. Sonia has been great, but she’s not ‘Mollie Sue Castro’ great.” My mom smiled before she sighed, still looking at me intently.

“I was once asked to direct one of the productions after dancing in one,” my mom started to say. I pretended that I didn’t know this story; giving her the opportunity to tell her story to me. She probably waited to tell me about it my entire life. “I had thought about it, but I was still so young. I didn’t think I was capable of leading such a big project like that at 30. I felt like I needed to come back home and learn more before I was able to ever do something like this.” I nodded my head, listening to my mother tell the story about a young Mollie, navigating the world while still trying to find her place in it. I understand a lot of what young Mollie had gone through, and because of that, I’ve learned to do the complete opposite. I know where I belong, despite the ups and downs and constantly fighting my inner demons. I’ve come to terms with even my younger self, telling myself that it was okay to make the decisions I made and leave them in the past where they belong. I’ve learned to change my perspective on things in order to live a happy, healthier life. I’ve accepted that I am not perfect, and I am not expected to always be right in the decisions I do make.

I’ve learned all of this because of a young Mollie.

“I say go for it, mom. You were born to do something like this, and with dad now being retired, I know he’ll be on board and follow you wherever you go.” I smiled at my mom before continuing. “That never changed about him; the way he felt about you, by the way.” My mom smiled, seemingly trying to hold back tears in her eyes. For once, we feel like we’re on the same page, and for once, I feel like an adult daughter to my mother. Despite everything we’ve been through, I feel the most at ease with her in this moment.

The waitress came over to hand us our bill after what seemed like decades. I thanked the waitress in Korean as my mom watched. As soon as she left our table, my mother relaxed her shoulders.

“There has to be better coffee in Korea than this bullshit we just paid for,” she commented. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, something I don’t think I ever shared with my mother since meeting her, nearly 13 years ago in the dancing studio at Waverly High.

My head was spinning once I opened my eyes. My vision was blurry, which made it hard to even lift my head up from the pillow it was resting on. I slowly got up, and looked around my surroundings once I was able to see clearly again. I’m confused and concerned about where I woke up; this wasn’t my room, this wasn’t Aimee’s room, and it wasn’t even Sahim’s room. I’m not even wearing Sahim’s clothes right now.

I know exactly where I am, and something tells me I did a stupid thing for me to end up sleeping here in the first place.

I quickly got up, trying my best to not make any loud noises. I saw my clothes from earlier tonight folded on top of the chair closest to the couch. I grabbed them quickly, trying to see if I could find a bathroom to change in and leave without getting caught. I walked up the short flight of stairs to the second floor, looking at the numerous closed doors that could be the bathroom. I was nervous to check them all; for fuck’s sake what if I see him sleeping in his bed and wake him up? I took a chance to open the first door near the staircase, hoping this was the bathroom.

Apparently bathrooms are not located closest to the stairs in this apartment.

I walked into what seemed like Jamie’s office, with Jamie sitting on the computer chair next to his desk. He turned around to look at me. Fuck. Busted.

“Hey, uhm…” I awkwardly greeted him, not knowing what else to say. “I was, uhm, looking for the bathroom to change and—”

“It’s the third door to your left,” Jamie answered, looking at me with a worried look.

“Thanks,” I quickly said before attempting to leave the office. “Sorry if I disturbed you—”

“Wait,” Jamie softly said. I turned around, looking at Jamie look at me. To some extent, I was a bit uncomfortable. What is going on? What the hell happened tonight? “Are you feeling okay?”

“Despite this huge ass headache I have, I’m fine,” I said, sighing. Jamie’s expression didn’t change; it was beginning to make me worried. “What?” Jamie got up from his seat and directed me to sit down. I was nervous, not knowing what to expect in this situation, yet alone from a person like Jamie.

“Grace, I don’t know if you remember much of what happened tonight, but…” Jamie tried his hardest to find the right words, but the longer he waited to say something, the more irritable I got.

“What? Just say it—”

“You got wasted at Shawn and Skylar’s dinner,” Jamie admitted.

“You’re lying,” I said, not being able to truly hear and believe the words coming got of Jamie’s mouth.

“You think I would even joke around like that?” Jamie emphasized, raising an eyebrow as he spoke.

“I have to had mistaken my cup for someone else’s or something,” I tried to make sense of any given scenario, but something was telling me that what Jamie was saying was correct. Jamie didn’t have any reason to lie to me, and it would explain why I was even at Jamie’s house in the first place and not at Skylar’s or with Sahim. “I really should get going, I should go check in on Sky and then call Sahim to let him know I’m okay and—”

“Grace,” Jamie said, almost sounding like a plea. He didn’t know what else to say at that point; I could tell considering he sat there trying to ponder the right words to say. So it’s true. I fucked up something that almost everyone in my life was proud of me for doing. “Do you remember anything that happened?

“Do you remember anything that happened?” Jamie asked as he sat in the chair across from me. I looked at him, and at this point it was sinking in: the sadness. The regret. The sting behind my actions.

“All I remember was Skylar literally announcing to the room about what happened between us,” I said, recalling the night. “How could she think it was okay to even say that in front of all those people? She had no right putting out my business like that.” Jamie didn’t say anything back; he sat there and listened to me rant, despite the stupid shit that I pulled this night. Despite being the main reason that his girlfriend is not here with him tonight. God, she probably hates him the same way Sahim hates my guts too. The wave of sadness was now officially transforming into a huge tide, and I didn’t know how to control it anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie blurted out. I lifted my head up, confused by what he meant. If anything, I should be the one apologizing to him.

“For what?” I questioned. “You didn’t do anything wrong tonight.”

“I’m sorry for everything,” Jamie repeated himself. “For everything that you went through these last couple of years.” I looked at Jamie as I thought about the words he was saying. I thought about the first time we met at the cafe back in New York that one, summer day. I remember our first date, our first exploration around the city during the holiday season. I remember how excited Willow would get when she sat on his lap as a baby. I remember all of these things that happened with Jamie, and it wasn’t until this moment that I realized that most of my life in recent years were spent with Jamie. So much of my highs and lows were experienced in the time that we’ve known each other; does he ever get sick of being the only person to consult me in a crisis?

“You too, Jamie,” I said back to him, also feeling responsible for his highs and lows of his recent years. “I’m sorry for everything I put you through these last couple years too.” I expected Jamie to say something else, but instead he sat there, looking at me. I couldn’t stop looking at him, and all I could think about were the times that things were simple. We were happy. We were once living a life that in the moment was what we wanted, and I missed that. I missed him.

I sighed, remembering fragments of our conversation from earlier tonight. I remember exactly what happened from that moment, to the moment that I fell asleep on his couch. I was sick to my stomach, knowing that this was something I had to now come to terms with.

“Yeah,” I simply said, now looking at Jamie. “I remember what happened.”

“I’m sorry that things went that way,” Jamie began to apologize. “I should’ve stopped it before it even was a thought and—”

“Jamie, please,” I said in a tired, defeated tone. “I don’t want to think about what happened. I don’t want to talk about it, and I surely don’t want to relive it. All I want is to get dressed and go back to my hotel room and sleep in my own bed.” Jamie nodded his head, seeming to respect my decision. He got up from where he was sitting, and started to walk towards the door out of his office.

“I’ll take you back to Ulsan,” Jamie said, looking at me.

…

My head was still spinning by the time we got into his car. I felt like I was going to throw up. What was I going to do once I got back to the hotel? What was I even going to say to Sahim when I see him next? Our next rehearsal before our last couple of shows begin tomorrow, and I don’t know how I’m going to walk into them as if nothing happened the night before. There wasn’t anyone on the road on our way back to Ulsan which made the ride go by quicker. With the tension between us, it felt like I was in this car for hours.

“Thank you again for letting me stay at your place,” I said to Jamie. “Who knows where I’d be after that disastrous night.”

“You would’ve been at my place,” Jamie answered as he drove. “I wasn’t going to leave you there by yourself.”

“You don’t owe me anything though,” I said, as I turned my head to face him. “I haven’t done anything for you to even be remotely nice to me.”

“I’ve stopped trying to figure that out,” Jamie said as he continued to drive. “I guess there’s always going to be that one person that you’ll always care about, despite the circumstances.”

“And I just so happen to be that person?” I questioned.

“We don’t choose the people, they somehow choose us,” Jamie subliminally said, briefly looking at me at red light. “It really wasn’t nothing for me to have you stay over my place while you sobered up.”

“Are you disappointed?” I asked him. “That I broke my sobriety?” It took Jamie a while to finally answer the question.

“I can’t project my thoughts on a decision you made,” Jamie answered. I rolled my eyes, as I should’ve assumed he would answer in a riddle-like way. “I don’t know what made you want to break it, but that’s something that you have to deal with.” Jamie was right, and it was something that I didn’t know how I was going to do that after everything that happened at the dinner. I wasn’t sure how I was going to talk to Sahim after what was said, and I didn’t know if I could ever forgive my cousin for exposing me in front of everyone. How the hell was I going to explain this to my family back home?

“I’m sorry,” I began to say, not really knowing why I was apologizing in the first place. A part of me knew the reason; I remember what happened at Jamie’s place. I remember passing out on his couch in a panic, not knowing how I was going to face Sahim once I sobered up. Now that I’m here, heading back to the hotel and back to the workplace that I share with Sahim, I’m still unsure how I’m going to handle seeing him now. “I know you’d rather be with your girlfriend right now, trying to fix the mess that I caused.” I looked over to Jamie, waiting for some sort of response. He looked forward as he drove; he was clearly deep in his own thoughts. “I know it was the last thing you wanted to happen—”

“Don’t stress about what happened,” Jamie began to say. “You got an obligation that you committed yourself to do and finish.” Jamie had changed the subject so abruptly. What was Jamie keeping to himself? Why would he still feel the need to look after me after all we’ve been through? It was utter insanity to think that someone still cared about you long after they’ve been put out of this position. Jamie never made me wonder if I was ever going to speak to him again whenever we had a fight; everyone else though? A complete fucking mystery until I ultimately left without a trace in people’s life.

“Going back to work requires me to think hard about something I don’t think I even have the energy for,” I began to explain, dreading our next rehearsal tonight. “I don’t even have the energy to go do this stupid show tonight.”

“Again, I can’t tell you what to do with your life, but if I still know just even an ounce of the person I met in New York, it’s that no matter what, she gets the job done,” Jamie reassured me. He finally turned the car into the parking garage of the hotel, parking in a spot closest to the entrance of the building. He turned the car off once he parked which made the air in this car still and full of tension.

The last time Jamie and I sat in a car for a long period of time was the night that I dropped him off back at the place he was staying at in New York. It was hours before he had to leave for his flight back to Korea, and I was trying my hardest to keep myself together after everything him and I went through in the short period of time. I remember those four months feeling like four years of my life. It felt like the last day of high school for the very last time, knowing that you can’t go back to these days once the day is over. I felt like I couldn’t ever see my life go back to the way it was prior to Jamie entering it. Jamie brought something in it that I didn’t think I needed, and he made me feel like in a way, I brought something in his that ultimately changed him.

Something has changed within me since then. Everything isn’t the same anymore, and I don’t think they will ever be the same.

“This feels awfully similar to our last night in New York,” I said, speaking my inner thoughts out loud. “At least it’s not 32 degrees with snow falling down.” Jamie smiled to himself, finally turning his head to look at me. “You remember that night?”

“Of course I do,” Jamie answered before sighing. “You gave me your gray scarf and demanded that I wrapped it around my neck before I got out of your car.” I laughed, remembering that exact moment happening.

“Oh my god, that scarf! What even happened to that scarf? Maybe you gave it back to me and I just stuffed it in one of my closets or something.”

“I, uhm… I never gave it back to you,” Jamie admitted as he turned his head toward me.

“You still have it?” I asked, pretty shocked that he would just keep something so minor like a scarf in his possession still. “Or did you throw it away?”

“I kept it,” Jamie confessed, letting out a deep breath. “I couldn’t see myself throwing it out or donating it or even giving it back. It was one of those things that reminds me of that time, being in New York.”

“There’s no place like New York,” I said, still sitting in the dark car with Jamie. “I didn’t realize how much I missed it being away for so long. I miss the person I was when I was in New York.”

“Me too,” Jamie said. “I miss the person I was back in New York too.” I looked at Jamie, seeing all of the years we’ve known each other through his eyes. How have 5 years almost pass us by? How can someone that I’ve known for 5 years still make me feel the same way I did in day one?

I wanted nothing more than to kiss him one last time before I left his car. I wanted to be in his company under better circumstances. I wanted to go back to the moment where we lived a much simpler life.

“I, uhm… I should go,” I began to say quickly before getting my stuff together. “Thank you again for taking care of me… especially when no one else wanted to.”

“Of course,” Jamie said, looking at me. I placed my hand on his, wanted to feel his touch one last time. Jamie gently lifted my hand and kissed it. “I’m here if you need me, no matter what.” I got out of his car and stood there has Jamie pulled out from the parking spot. Before turning away, he looked at me through the driver’s window and smiled. I waved bye to him as he drove away. It was like that night in New York all over again; feeling like I was saying goodbye to someone that I wasn’t going to ever see again, but so desperately needed in my life in order to continue.

This time, I was the one leaving the car as he drove away.