Category: The “Something” Series

“Please don’t go.” I felt my sweater getting pulled as she cried in my chest. I felt horrible. I felt like I was leaving a piece of myself in this apartment that I would never get back. She heaved when she couldn’t breathe. I wish there was more that I can do. Hold her longer. Kiss her longer. Laugh with her longer. Wake up, go to bed, stay with her longer. Be here longer with her.

“You know I have to go back.” I said it in the most stoic way I could; she didn’t deserve to be sad over a person she met just a couple of months ago. I guess it was more so the fact that I didn’t want to be the reason she was crying, desperate even, for me to not go. I look at the time on her stove; my flight leaves in just a couple of hours and I’ve still yet packed the last of my things. I don’t want to go. I want to go back to bed with Grace, hold her close to my chest, and take in her apple-scented shampoo as I drift to sleep. It feels like I’m about to leave home.

It feels like I just returned home.

She’s standing there, holding the little bean, in shock. Her freckles disappeared as her face turned pale. She looked like she wasn’t breathing, as if she was holding her breath the entire time I stood in her hallway.

“Hi.” Is that all you got to say to her? I felt uncomfortable standing there. Grace didn’t say anything; she seemed literally tongue-tied and had no words to say. But she did, because she’s Grace Ashmore, and I know her extremely well.

I expected her to shut the door in my face. I expected her to see me once she opened that door and told me to get lost. Go back home. I’ll never want to see you again after leaving for 6 months. I expected to have all the words in the world for me, but she didn’t do any of those things. She moved to the side to allow me to walk in. She didn’t say anything, but she looked towards the apartment, waiting for me to finally get the hint to walk in. I slowly walked into her apartment.

Everything looked the same with the exception of some baby toys floating around the living room. It made me smile, knowing she was spending some quality time with little bean.

She closed the door behind us, and walked passed without looking at me. Ouch, Gracie. I stood in the middle of her apartment, trying to put together a simple sentence to start off this conversation, but she beat me to it. She always did; it’s like she knew when my mind wanted to speak out loud some anxious and nervous thoughts.

“I gotta put Willie down for bed, gimme a minute,” Grace said. She walked into the room she always did with little bean; naps, bedtime, changing time– it’s the room Grace feels the most like a mom, and I think she likes how she feels in that room.

“Man, I am exhausted.” Grace fell next to me on the sofa. I looked at her and smiled, she moved closer to me and wrapped my arm around her as we watched the fireplace light up the dim room.

“You were busy being a super mom today, Gracie.” I grinned the goofiest smile I could possibly do. Grace chuckled and readjusted herself on the sofa. She looked up at me as she placed her head on my lap. I looked down at her, stroking her hair softly.

“You were busy being super mom’s assistant today.” I laughed as she said that. I realized that helping Grace take care of the little bean was possibly the easiest thing to do. Little bean has to be the happiest, yet sassiest baby I’ve got to meet. In many ways, I see her taking after her mother so much. Grace doesn’t believe so, but I know that’s just Grace’s way of not thinking about the fact that she doesn’t see her daughter’s day-by-day growth.

“Seriously though, you’re amazing with Willie. She’s never really open with other people at aren’t Max and I.” She legitimately looked taken back. I smiled down at her and shrugged my shoulders playfully.

“I just try to help out when I can.” She readjusted herself again so that she was now on her side, head still in my lap, but now in a position where she could be comfortable and still talk to me. I remained brushing her hair.

“You’ll be an amazing dad when you get the opportunity, Jamie.” I pondered the thought. Me as a father? Maybe one day, in the distant future, when I find a woman I want to settle down with and have a family with. The thought actually saddens me.

“Yeah, maybe one day, when the timing is right.“

“Perfect timing for you to be back.” Grace finally spoke once she came back from little bean’s room. She didn’t sit next to me, but instead of the chair across from me in the living room. It was like my body wanted her to sit on the sofa with me so that it would be able to remember how it felt to be so close to Grace.

“I apologize for the surprise, I–” Don’t say it, Jamie. “I just didn’t have a way to contact you.” Aigoo. Grace looked annoyed by my comment; I don’t blame her.

“Are you on another case?” I looked at Grace’s nonchalant expression. When Grace talk about business, she becomes a different person. She’s passionate, focused, determined, and has boundaries; one’s where she doesn’t become too connected or affected by the nature of her cases.

“I’m not. I’m currently on leave.” Grace’s face softened back up; she looked concerned more than anything now.

“Wait, what? On leave? Why?” Grace was genuinely curious. I know she finds it hard for me to actually be on leave; we’re by nature the same exact person; workaholics that work ourselves to mask the fact that our personal relationships in our lives are crumbling.

I didn’t want to tell her the truth right then and there. How ridiculous does it sound that a man nearing 30 is taking a couple of months of leave because he still needs to figure his life out? That his life back at home was not what he wanted; that he wanted more, and for months he knew what he actually wanted, no matter the consequences and how long it took to get where he was before.

“I just need the break. I haven’t had one since I started working for my firm.” Grace shifted in her seat. She crossed her legs and pulled down the hem of her dress. She was wearing a floral summer dress; a red one with white flowers on it.

“And you’re in America on vacation or something?” Grace questioned. I looked back at her, in her eyes. She looks hurt, she looks angry, but she also looks so broken beyond repair. I feel horrible for possibly being the reason she looks broken; that I am the reason she is broken.

“No, I’m–” I couldn’t get the words out. To see you? To make things right? Because you feel like the closest thing to home in a really long time? What do you say to the person that you just want to tell everything to at this point? I took a deep breath and looked at Grace.

I took a deep breath and looked at Grace.

“Your lips are so cold.” Grace giggled as she shook the snow off of her her hair. I remember standing outside at a train station in Brooklyn to head back to the city. The snow is heavy and flaky, and there’s no train coming in sight.

“Sorry, with this snow falling and my lip balm being minty,” Grace explained. I pulled her closer to me, and she slips her hand in my coat pockets. “my mouth is literally frozen.” She bit her rosy pink lips as I leaned down to her height. I softy kissed her again for a moment, then looked at her.

“Any better?” I smirked as she giggled to herself. She was adorable when she felt safe and comfortable with me.

“Much better.” Grace placed her hands on my face and pulled me into her, and kissed me.

“I just wanted to. I really like New York.” Wrong answer, Jamie. Grace nodded her head.

“Cool.” Cool. That’s all that she has to say to me being here and leaving my life behind in Korea. I awkwardly nodded and looked around the apartment until Grace made an annoyed noise. I looked back up to her.

“So… why’d you come here?” Grace asked hesitantly but still in a very blunt-like way. Grace wanted answers; I should’ve known she would do this. I wasn’t ready to have this conversation with her yet, let alone feeling like she wants nothing to do with me in the process.

“You’re the only person I know in New York.” It was the honest truth, but I hoped it told more than I was saying. I hope Grace could read in-between the lines well enough to know that I am here for her. Grace got up from her seat and walked towards the kitchen counter.

“I have to get ready for tomorrow; I’m sorry to cut things short.” Grace didn’t look at me when she said that. I felt my heart hurting while she said that. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Her body felt soft and smooth and warm under mine. She ran her hands down my back and grabbed onto me as she moaned into the air. Her fire red hair splattered all over the pillow, her back arched at every finger that traveled up and down her body. I kissed her neck, her collarbone, her breast, her stomach; her little gasps of air excited me even more.

“Jamie,” Grace moaned my name into my ear within every stroke. I looked down at her and kissed her softly on the lips.

“Jamie?” I looked back up and saw Grace finally looking at me from the kitchen. I get up from the sofa and walk towards the front door. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her the truth. I stopped near the door once Grace walked me to the front.

“Grace–” I felt the word vomit coming up as I was leaving Grace’s apartment. I don’t know why I had to come here this late at night to see Grace. I’ve been in America for less than 24 hours and the first thing I needed to do was to see Grace. I’ve been in the dark with Grace for months on end, worried sick about her and little bean and hoping they were both doing okay. I’ve been called by her best friend multiple times pleading for me to talk to Grace because she wasn’t doing well. I felt like Grace was the thing I needed in my life the most; am I crazy for coming down here and leaving everything behind for a woman that didn’t want to talk to me for months on end? Possibly. But you do crazy things for the people you love, and even crazier things for the one you’re in love with.

“I came back to see you.” I finally let it out. Grace was speechless, not knowing what to do or say in that moment. All she did was take a deep breath and held out the front door for me.

“Goodnight, Jamie.” Grace sullenly said. I knew what she meant by that, and I accepted defeat. I walked out of the apartment, and the door closed behind me. I walked down the hallway in what felt like ages. Before I was able to press the elevator button to go back downstairs, I heard one of the apartment doors open. I turn my head to see a woman running down the hallway towards the elevator.

I suddenly felt arms arms wrapped around me tightly. I looked down and saw red hair buried in my chest.

“Please don’t go.” She muffled into my chest. I didn’t know what to do but to hold her in my arms tightly.

“I won’t.”

Ari: You’re actually going through with this?

Ari sits on the edge of the bed while Grace looks through her closet. A suitcase is out on the bed, open, with just a few thing already in it. Grace turns around and walks to the bed with the clothes.

Grace: I need to be there for my family. What happens if Max can’t come back to the States?

Ari: *concerned* You’re trying to tell me you’re willing to give up your life here to go live in a foreign country with your ex-fiance and daughter?

Grace takes in a deep breath and keeps on packing.

Grace: I’m not leaving my daughter behind for my job. I’ll just get another job in England and just–

Ari stops her from packing anything else. Grace looks at her.

Ari: I understand you’re doing this for Willow, babes– but what are you doing for yourself? You worked way too hard to build what you have here to just get up and move away.

Grace: Let’s be honest here, Ari. I don’t really have much keeping me here besides Willow, and if Willow isn’t here, then why am I here?

Ari: *upset* It’s not fair that Max is using your daughter to go on this damn trip when he could’ve just left her here with you.

Grace gathers more clothing together, suddenly uncomfortable.

Grace: Max wouldn’t have wanted that.

Ari: I don’t give a fuck what he wants.

Grace gives Ari a stern look.

Grace: I’m going, end of discussion. It’s only going to be for two weeks–

Ari: You don’t know that for sure. What if something goes wrong?

Grace closes her eyes and turns back around.

Grace: Well then I’ll be there for Willow.

Ari shakes her head in disagreement, visibly annoyed.

Ari: Would you go if Jamie was back in the picture?

Grace: *quickly defensive* I am sick and tired of you bringing up Jamie like he matters or something. I love you, Ari, but it’s been months since I last spoke to that man. Let it go.

Ari: I’m not letting it go until I believe those words coming out of your mouth because sis, you are lying through your teeth.

Grace: *yells* I fucking mean what I said, Ari. I don’t need Jamie, I don’t need Em or Cami or Scott or his girlfriend, and I don’t need you. All I need is my fucking daughter, and wherever she goes, I’m going.

Ari is not visibly angry, she stand up from the bed and faces Grace.

Ari: Then fight for your daughter, Grace. But don’t fucking lose yourself by neglecting what you need. You know what’s that something, and your soul won’t ever let that shit go. See you when I see you.

Ari grabs her purse and leaves the bedroom to walk out the front door. The door is heard being slammed shut and Grace stands in the bedroom, speechless. She slides against the bedroom wall and onto the floor, on the verge of tears.

…

It’s the day of departure. A knock is heard on the front door of Grace’s apartment. A man calls out for Grace. A few moments later, a door is heard being unlocked. The front door opens and Max walks in with Willow in one arm and the huge suitcase of luggage held in the other hand.

Max: Grace? Are you ready yet?

The bedroom door opens and out comes Grace. She’s moving slow and she seems extremely sad. Max sets Willow down and recounts everything he has.

Max: Okay, I have the boarding passes, passports, documents, diaper bag, suitcase–

Grace doesn’t respond, she just stands there. Max looks at her.

Max: You got everything? Our flight leaves in about 3 hours.

Grace finally looks up at Max. The last year and a half passes by in her mind; the first time they met, to the case they worked on together, to the affair, pregnancy, engagement, and everything up to this point. She wonders what was it about Max that she thought this was going to be the man she was going to spend her life with forever. What was it about the Grace that existed a year and a half ago that was certain that Max was the one? Why can’t she see that life now? Why can’t she see that her going to England isn’t the fresh start she needs?

Grace looks down at Willow, and smiles. She loves Willow, and she knows she’s doing this for her, but Grace knows that if she only does this for Willow without wanting to do this for herself, Willow isn’t going to get the present mother that she needs. If anything, this would disconnect her even more, and Grace will never let that happen. So Grace has to wonder; would the distance for a little bit be the better alternative to keep the relationship she has with her daughter?

Grace: I– I can’t go.

Max stands there, confused.

Max: What?

Grace finally looks up at Max.

Grace: I can’t go. I’m sorry.

Max: Grace–

Grace: I love Willow… but she will not get the mother she needs if I go to England with you.

Max: What are you talking about? You’ll be spending time with her, you’ll be around her for most days and nights.

Grace: I cannot leave my life behind and pretend I’m fine and I wouldn’t want Willow growing up to see her mama giving up on her life to live in someone else’s shadow.

Max sits Grace down on the couch, trying to reason with her.

Max: You understand that if things don’t work out with the renewal, I may not come back.

Grace: I will not follow you to England for that reason, Max.

Max gets up from the sofa; he’s now frustrated.

Max: I get that this is your home, Grace. I get that you wanna stay here, but your priorities are all out of wack! Wherever your daughter goes, you should go with her.

Grace: Then take me to court.

Max: *sighs* Grace, why are you doing this?

Grace: Because I will not allow you to move our child overseas. You get your paperwork done, you make it your mission to come back to the States, you make it your responsibility to set things straight in order to take care of your child in the States because she is not going anywhere.

Max holds his hands to his hips.

Max: You realize I studied law just like you, right?

Grace: Then you should know that if you decide to take her without any judge signing off of that, then you are breaking court mandates within the New York State. You can lose custody rights for breaking such a law.

Max scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief; completely speechless.

Grace: I mean this in the nicest way possible, Max: you teach the law, I live the law.

Max and Grace look at each other for a moment. Max smirks and breaks the silence.

Max: You were always better at the job, Ashmore.

Grace smirks back.

Grace: It’s just something that I am good at.

…

A couple of hours pass by. The lights are on in Grace’s apartment, and laughing is heard in the living room. Grace is sitting on the floor with Willow, playing with a variety of baby toys. Willow giggles loudly as she walks around the floor.

A knock on the door is heard, which grabs Grace’s attention. Grace gets up from the floor, picks up Willow in her arms, and walks to the front door. With her free hand, she opens the door slowly. Grace’s eyes widen as she sees who’s on the other side of the doorway.

Jamie: Hi.

Grace is standing in a bedroom, reaching for the zipper on the back of her dress. She struggles to reach it and begins to hop in order for the zipper to go up. She rolls her eyes in defeat.

Grace: *calls out* Cami!

Cami suddenly walks in, curious. She takes a sigh when she sees Grace struggling with the zipper.

Cami: *helps Grace* You know these dresses are made to take them off, not put them on.

Grace: Well this is my favorite dress and I’m wearing it tonight.

Once Cami zips it up, Grace turns around to face her. Cami nods her head in approval.

Cami: Red is your color.

Grace smiles and faces the vanity mirror to start putting her makeup on. Cami joins her.

Cami: So are you trying to look good for Scotty?

Grace: *rolls her eyes* Scott is just my friend, Cam.

Cami: Mhm, a friend you want to fuck the shit out of in that dress.

Grace widens her eyes and looks at a mischievous Cami. She smiles while she puts on her makeup.

Cami: I just call it how I see it, hun.

Grace: He’s a great guy, and he’s just been extremely supportive of me, and… *ponders in thought* I don’t know, he’s just been constantly there when I needed someone.

Cami: What broke you guys up in the first place?

Grace: A long distance relationship is difficult for two teenagers to have. We just decided it was for the best to stay friends.

Cami: *concerned* But you’ve been in New York for years now. Why haven’t you guys ever tried to reconnect romantically?

Grace thinks about the question. She honestly is at a loss for words.

Grace: I… don’t know why. We just never did.

Cami: *faces Grace* Well, looking the way you look tonight, Scott’s eyes will be glued on you!

Grace blushes to the thought. Emerson quickly walks into the room and tells the girls that they have to get ready to leave. Both girls gather their things and head on out.

—

The scene is loud, fun, and full of people in formal attire. Laughter and chatter and music fills the air. Emerson, Cami, and Grace walk into the venue: The Class of 2049 Reunion. People greet each other and dance around the dance floor and catch up. People notice Grace and greet her; she catches up with the people she briefly went to high-school with.

A little later on in the night, Grace walks around to go and find Emerson and Cami. In the process she bumps into a random guy.

Grace: Hey, look where you’re going!

The guy turns around and Grace is shocked at who’s standing there.

Grace: Scott! Hey! I didn’t see you earlier!

They both share a hug, one that lasts a little too long.

Scott: Yeah, I was just walking over to Emerson and Cami now, he told me you were busy socializing and stuff. Come on.

He grabs Grace by the hand and walks her across the dance floor. Grace feels the butterflies forming in her stomach as they walk towards the table. When they both reach the table, Scott releases Grace’s hand and greets the table. At the table sits three people: Emerson, Cami, and another woman that Grace is not familiar with. Grace stares at the woman while Scott walks over to her.

Scott: I meant to introduce you two earlier. Grace, this is my girlfriend, Olivia. Liv, this is my friend, Grace.

Grace’s face falls as she seems Scott’s arm around this mysterious woman that is supposedly Scott’s girlfriend. She was this petite woman with long, brown hair; she looked unbelievably gorgeous. She smiled and looked up at Scott, who smiled and looked at her.

Olivia: It’s so nice to meet you, Grace. I’ve heard a lot about you.

Grace: Really? I feel like Scott hasn’t said much about you…

Olivia presses her lips together and sits back down at the table. Emerson looks at Grace while Cami tries to hide her face from the awkwardness. Grace feels the lump in her throat forming and Scott notices it.

Scott: *playfully* Cat got your tongue or something?

Olivia giggles and Scott looks at her and smiles. Grace stands there, tears beginning to form in her eyes. She grabs her purse from the seat and clears her throat.

Grace: I think I’m going to head back to my place. I’m not feeling too well.

Emerson: Are you sure? We can come if you–

Grace fakes a smile and shakes her head.

Grace: You guys have fun, I’m a little over this already. I’ll talk to you guys later.

Grace immediately turns around without saying goodbye to her friends. She dashes to the front door of the venue.

She swings the doors open and immediately breaks down in tears. She feels stupid for falling for a guy that only saw her as a friend, she feels angry that he never mentioned anything about having a girlfriend, and she’s hurting because she feels absolutely alone in this moment. She wants a hug, she wants company, she wants Jamie to hold her and tell her that everything is okay and that he loves her.

Because she loves him.

Grace calls a cab and gets into it when it arrives. The cab stops in front of the cafe. She walks in the cafe and sits at her usual table. She looks down and silently cries. A man’s voice calls out Grace’s name and Grace looks up who it is.

Grace: Max? What are–

Max: Emerson texted me. He told me you left the party upset. He expected you’d come to the cafe.

Fucking Emerson. Grace immediately looks at Willow in Max’s arms.

Grace: Willow.

Grace gets up and gets Willow from Max. Max hands her over until Grace has Willow in her arms and sits back down. Max sits in the seat across from her.

Max: Grace–

Grace: I know what you’re going to say.

Max sighs and scoots the chair closer to the table.

Max: I’m worried about you. You’re been so disconnected and I just don’t understand what’s going on. Now about England, I–

Grace: You can’t take her away, Max. Please.

Grace’s eyes get watery as she continues to bounce Willow in her lap.

Grace: She’s the only reason I’m living at this point.

Max: Don’t say it.

Grace: My friends are tip-toeing around me, my ex lead me on for weeks on end about what we were, and the guy that I saw a future with up and left my life months ago. I’m–

Grace cocks her head back to stop the tears from falling down.

Grace: I am only here because of Willow.

Max: Come with me to England.

Grace scrunches her eyebrows in confusion.

Grace: What?

Max: Come to England with me. Be with Willow, get away from the city for awhile. I think you need some time away from everything around you.

Grace: I just can’t up and leave because it’s a convenience for you, Max.

Max: I would rather you come with me to be with Willow than to leave her back in the states while I’m away. She’s never been away from me for a long period of time.

Grace considers the thought. She looks at Willow and then back at Max.

Grace: I… I can’t. I just picked up a new case.

Max: *annoyed* I’m not telling you what you should and shouldn’t do, but don’t allow this job to dictate your time with Willow.

Grace: I can’t just hand this case off, Max.

Max: You can, but you won’t.

Willow begins to cry out for her dad, so Grace hands her over to Max. She instantly calms down, which breaks Grace’s heart even more.

Max: It’s either your family or your career, Grace. The choice shouldn’t be that hard.

Before Max can leave the table to head out of the cafe, Grace shoots up in her seat.

Grace: I’ll go.

Max stops in his tracks and looks back at Grace. Grace stands there with tears in her eyes.

Grace ties her hair up into a ponytail and drops her hands onto the table with piles of paperwork. She shuffles through the paperwork to organize them a bit better. Concentrated into her task, she breaks out of it when a mug is placed in front of her. She looks up and sees Jamie standing there, smiling down at her.

Jamie: Figured you needed a coffee break.

Grace picks up the mug with both of her hands and blows on the coffee. The rain is gently hitting the cafe window. Jamie takes a seat across from her at the table.

Grace: I’m never going to get through this case.

Jamie: That’s not true. It’s just a new case; a lot of work has to be done to get it at a place where you’re confident enough to build up a defense case.

Grace: *teasing* For someone who’s not a defense lawyer, you sure know how to make a case like one. Are you sure you got your titles right?

Jamie laughs and wipes his mouth with a napkin.

Jamie: My two friends in the firm are defense lawyers. I work closely with them in their cases at times.

Grace: Why wouldn’t you want to become a defense lawyer?

Jamie: I wanted to help those who needed to get justice… not saying that a defense lawyer isn’t that, I–

Grace: *laughs* We both have our own reasons of doing what we do.

Jamie smiles at looks down at the paperwork in front of Grace. Grace notices.

Grace: Sorry for always taking over the table.

Jamie: If it’s not your paperwork, it’s mine.

Grace leans back on her chair and takes a deep breath.

Grace: Did you have dreams of doing anything else?

Jamie laughs and shakes his head.

Jamie: You’re going to laugh when I tell you.

Grace: *intrigued* Oh my god, now I have to know!

Jamie: I… I wanted to be a singer.

Grace: Wait, what? Like you wanted to become a singer?

Jamie’s face turns red and he brushes his hair back.

Jamie: I wanted to sing, but I needed to do something more… realistic. Being the only boy in my family, there’s an expectation of being the successful man in the family.

Grace: Being the only child in my family, there’s that expectation to carry the family name as well.

Jamie: You wanted to dance, right?

Grace nods her head. She plays with the rim of her mug.

Grace: I sometimes miss it, but I was just afraid of getting too sucked into it like my mom did. So I thought doing something like law like my dad would’ve been a more balanced life for me.

Jamie: But?

Grace: *ponders in thought* I’ve allowed this to suck me in just as much.

Jamie: You’re just a work-driven woman. There’s nothing wrong with that, and no one ever really has their lives together. I mean I’m 28, going to be 29 next year, and I know I’ve missed some milestones in my life due to this job.

Grace: Like what?

Jamie: *scoffs* Well for starts, I’m not married yet. I don’t have kids or a family to bring home to my mom and sisters for the holiday season.

Grace: So what?

Jamie: It’s a big deal to not be settled down and married in Korea at my age. It’s… different there than it is here.

Grace takes a sip of her coffee and then sets it down.

Grace: Well as long as you’re happy where you’re at and what you’re doing, that’s all that matters. Fuck those “milestones”, they just tie you down for things you don’t want or need yet in your life.

Jamie smiles and takes a sip of his coffee.

Jamie: Perhaps one day. I just wish things weren’t so strict back at home. It seems like in America you’re allowed to hit milestones when you can without being ridiculed for how long they take you.

Grace: It’s definitely a perk. You wouldn’t wanna move to America for a bit?

Jamie’s eyes widen and he adjusts in his seat while clearing his throat.

Jamie: My whole life is back at home. My job, my family…

Grace: Well I mean once in your life. Would you just wanna live here and take in something different?

Jamie: Perhaps if there’s a reason for me staying here.

There’s a pause in their conversation, both people don’t say anything until Grace readjusts in her seat.

Grace: Perhaps you’ll change your mind one day.

Grace proceeds to look through her paperwork; Jamie says nothing, he just watches her indulge into her work.

—

Grace sits in the cafe surrounded by her paperwork. She looks at the seat across from her; empty. She takes in a deep sigh and looks around the cafe; everyone is liking their day as normal as possible, not realizing that for her this cafe feels completely foreign to her. She sits back in her seat and takes a deep breath in. She looks down at her phone and sees the response from Scott on her phone.

Scott: Sorry, running a little late.

Grace rolls her eyes and quickly texts back.

Grace: It’s fine, I have to get going anyway. Last-minute meeting.

There was no meeting, she just didn’t want to taint this cafe with a man that wasn’t Jamie. She takes a deep sigh, shoves her paperwork into her bag, and leaves.

Grace gets back home and drops her bag near the front door. She turns on a light and leans against the door.

Grace: *to the air* Goddammit, Jamie.

Grace sits on the floor, silent tears start to run down her face.

A man is sitting on the couch, flipping through channels in the living room. A tall woman walks out of the bedroom with her phone in hand and sighs. Dean looks up at Ari, who stands there anxious.

Dean: *pats the sofa cushion next to him* Come here, babe.

Ari slowly walks her way to the sofa, she plops down next to Dean as Dean wraps his arm around her.

Dean: What’s wrong?

Ari: It’s Grace. She’s on her way over.

Dean: What’s wrong with that?

Ari: *faces Dean’s direction* She doesn’t sound okay.

Dean: What do you mean?

Ari: I’m just worried about her. She hasn’t been herself in such a long time and she just wanted to come over without telling me. *worried* I hope she’s okay.

Dean: All you could do is be there for her, babe. *kisses Ari on the forehead* You guys need the living room?

Ari: If you don’t mind.

Dean smiles and gets up from the couch.

Dean: I’ll be in the room if you need me.

A little later into the night, there is a knock on the front door. Ari sprints to the front door to answer it. Stands there is Grace; her hair is in a high messy bun and she wears an oversize hoodie over her dress. Ari opens the door wide enough for grace to walk past her. Ari closes the door and watches Grace sink into the sofa and curl up in a ball.

Ari: Grace, babes? What’s wrong?

Grace immediately sobs with her head down on her knees. Ari rushes over to Grace and sits next to her. She hugs Grace and tries to calm her down.

Ari: Grace?

Grace: He’s taking her to England.

Ari: *confused* Who’s taking who to England?

Grace: Max is–

Grace loudly sobs some more. Ari grabs the tissue box from the coffee table and places them next to Grace.

Ari: Grace, I need you to speak to me. What’s going on?

Grace finally lifts her head up to look at Ari. Her eyes are red and puffy, her cheeks stained with tears.

Grace: Max is taking Willow back to England with him.

Ari: What?!

Grace: He has to go back to England to renew some documents. He doesn’t want to leave her with me.

Ari: *angry* That fucking son of a bitch. He can’t just take her away from you! What if that asshole decides to stay there?!

Grace cries even harder, Ari takes a deep breath and reconsiders her words.

Ari: Why won’t he let her stay with you while he’s gone?

Grace: He thinks I’m not in the right head space to take care of her.

Ari looks at Grace while she wipes her eyes of tears. Ari knows that Grace hasn’t been in the best place for a while. She’s noticed Grace isolating herself the way she did after she had Willow and she began having issues with Max. This time just feels different to her. She’s tried to get Grace to feel like herself with things that helped the first time around, but this time feels completely foreign to her. She knows Grace well enough to know that this time is caused by one person and one person only…

Grace: Like who the fuck does he think he is keeping my child away from me? I’m more than capable of watching her! I should be the one watching her!

Ari: Are you sure?

Grace looks at Ari, she’s angry at what was just asked of her and Ari realizes that.

Ari: Look, I think it’s fucked up that he would just do this out of the blue and wouldn’t want to keep her at home in the states. Like, I think Max is thinking the absolute worst and that’s completely unfair that he can assume your capability. But I have to ask: are you really okay?

Grace: I’m perfectly fine.

Ari: Bitch, look at what you’re wearing. The Grace I know wouldn’t have paired that hoodie with that dress.

Grace: Oh I’m sorry, I’m not trying to look like a damn fashionista in the middle of my goddamn crisis!

Ari: It’s more than that though. You’re just–

Grace: Not stable enough?

Ari: –different, Grace. You’re not as happy as you were, you’ve been cooped up in your apartment and if you’re not cooped up there, it’s at work–which by the way you keep drowning yourself in it– like, something is not right, sis. We gotta talk about what’s been going on.

Grace: *annoyed* I came here to talk about the fact that Max is thinking about taking Willow to England with him because he doesn’t fucking trust me with my own daughter.

Ari: Yet you keep avoiding why Max is thinking like that. Sis, I love you and I say this as a person who wants the best for you: I’m upset Max would do something like this, but I’m not surprised this was his decision.

Before Grace can say something, Ari beats it to her.

Ari: I’m not agreeing with Max, I’m saying he thinks that’s probably what’s best. Grace, if you weren’t going through this… I mean, Max co-parents with you, obviously he trusts you with Willow–

Grace: Just fucking say it already.

Ari: *bluntly* Grace, Jamie got you so fucked up.

Grace rolls her eyes and wipes her face with some tissues.

Ari: It’s been months and you haven’t done anything about it. I think Jamie’s a nice guy, but he’s not worth getting this fucked up over if you are not making things happen.

Grace: You don’t understand.

Ari: Then make me understand. How is this time different than your break up with Max? You and Max were engaged, have a baby together! You still weren’t as fucked up as you are now and you only knew this guy for four months. Make me understand because I don’t know how you allowed a guy you barely knew fuck you up this bad.

Grace shifts her body away from Ari. Silent tears fall down her face so Ari doesn’t see her.

Ari: Grace? Hello?

Grace: I don’t wanna talk about it.

Ari: Grace–

Grace: I’ll figure the Max thing out by myself.

Grace gets her things and walks towards the door.

Ari: Will you stop running away for once?! Look, I’m trying to understand what’s going on and be supportive, but you have to look at things on both sides. I know something isn’t right, and I know something is going on with you, and I think Max senses that as well. I’m here if you need to talk about this, girl.

Grace opens the door and walks out of Ari’s apartment. Ari calls out for Grace, but she doesn’t come back. Dean walks out of the bedroom to see Ari standing in the middle of the living room.

Dean: Everything okay?

Ari turns around and looks at Dean.

Ari: I’m sick and tired of this shit…

Ari walks over to her phone on the coffee table and picks it up. She sits down on the sofa and dials a number on a phone.

Ari: *looks up at Dean* What time is it?

Dean: About 10:30, why?

Ari pauses with the phone near her ear. Her eyebrows cock up when someone on the other line picks up.

Ari: Jamie?

Dean’s eyebrows cock up. Ari puts the phone on speaker.

Jamie: Hello?

Ari: It’s Ari. Listen, you gotta talk to Grace. I don’t know if you guys keep in touch or not but, Grace is just not doing good.

Jamie: What?

Ari: *pleading* Jamie. I… this isn’t my place to say this but I know my fucking best friend and she’s hurting. I don’t know what she’s told you, but Grace hasn’t been the same and now she’s having custody trouble with her ex–

Jamie: Wait, what? What happened? What’s–

Ari: She needs you, man.

There’s a pause on the line; no one speaks up until a sigh is heard on the phone.

Jamie: I haven’t spoken to Grace since March.

Ari: *concerned* What?

Jamie: She stopped talking to me months ago. I haven’t been able to contact her. I– how is she? Is Willow okay?

Ari looks up at Dean who’s looking at her.

Ari: Willow is doing okay from what Grace told me, but… Grace might lose her. I can’t get into detail but I–

Ari takes a deep breath, overwhelmed with her thoughts. Dean sits next to her for support.

Ari: That girl is fucking in love with you and she’s too stubborn to realize that it’s eating her alive that you’re not here.

There’s a pause in the call.

Jamie: I’ll see what I can do. I gotta go.

The line goes dead. Ari takes a deep breath as Dean rubs her back.

Dean: You did the right thing, babe.

Ari: I hope so.

Laughter and card shuffling is heard in the living room of a small Brooklyn apartment. Music is being played on the portable speaker, drinks are being filled up and snacks are being eaten. Four people sit at a folding table, 3 in which are engaged in conversation, while 1 is lost in thought. The man shuffling the cards, Emerson, notices and calls out a name.

Emerson: Grace?

Grace snaps out of her thought and looks at Emerson.

Emerson: You’re okay?

Grace: *bluffing* Yeah I’m okay! I’m just waiting for you to shuffle those damn cards.

The rest of the table laughs. One man with curly brown hair puts a hand on Grace’s shoulder. She instantly begins blushing,

Scott: *jokingly* He’s just taking his time so he can find a way to rig the cards.

The petite, short woman next to Emerson speaks up.

Cami: Aye, ease up on my man, he’s doing his best!

Emerson looks at Cami and kisses her. They both smile at each other, and it bothers Grace immediately. How can one couple feel so good and look like they are so in love with each other, yet here she is, literally on the edge of–

Scott: Well your man has to stop playing and already deal those cards.

Emerson smiles in amusement and begins to deal the cards.

Emerson: Remember the rules this time, Grace; we wouldn’t want your partner to come at us for just being awesome.

Grace annoyingly cocks her eyebrow up; she can only take so much of the trash talk for tonight.

Grace: Whatever, Em, just get the damn game going.

Emerson doesn’t protest and begins dealing the cards. Grace doesn’t look up from her deck of cards. The game night progresses and laughter and chatter surround the living room.

Later that night

The music has officially been turned off and Emerson is putting dirty dishes in the sink in the kitchen while Cami helps out. Grace and Scott stand near the front door. Scott puts his coat on as Grace watches.

Scott: So, we’re still on for lunch later this week, right?

Grace smiles and leans against the wall next the door.

Grace: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Scott smiles and proceeds to put his coat on and look towards the couple in the kitchen.

Scott: I’ll see you guys soon!

Emerson and Cami wave bye from the kitchen as Scott leaves the apartment. Grace stands there for a little too long. Cami doesn’t notice it, but Emerson does.

Emerson: Are you staying the night, Grace?

Grace turns around to focus her attention on the voice speaking at her.

Grace: Nah, I’ll be out of here in a few; I got to get ready for Willow when she comes to me tomorrow.

Emerson nods and continues to tidy up the kitchen area with Cami until Cami starts a conversation.

Cami: So what’s up with you and Scotty?

Grace walks towards the living room sofa.

Grace: Whatcha mean?

Cami: You guys were totally flirting with each other tonight. You guys look so cute together too.

Grace: *shyly laughs* We’re just friends.

Cami: That fuck?

Emerson: Babe.

Cami: *looks at Emerson* What? I’m just engaging in girl talk.

Grace hides her face in her palms. She looks back up, takes a deep breath and watches the couple bicker about Cami’s unfiltered question.

Emerson: About one of our friends, Cam.

Cami: *dismisses Emerson* So, Grace? What’s going on, because there was a lot of tension in that game of Spades earlier tonight.

Grace smiles and blushes, she takes a sip of her drink and places it back on the table.

Grace: Nothing… he’s just a really good friend.

Cami: *points to the temple on her head* Ahh, a really good friend in bed.

Emerson holds his face with his hands as Cami walks back to the kitchen, laughing at her comment. Grace looks down at her phone and keeps scrolling on her phone. Emerson sits next to Grace on the sofa.

Emerson: I feel like we barely had a chance to talk today. We were busy whipping your asses.

Grace cocks her eyebrow and pushes Emerson to the side; Emerson laughs.

Grace: I don’t know what game you were playing, Scott and I slaughtered you guys with our skills!

Emerson: *laughs* You and Scott have been hanging out more these days, huh?

Grace looks at Emerson, confused. She cocks her head to the side, wondering what Emerson meant by the question.

Grace: What are you getting at? We hang out all the time.

Emerson: I don’t hang out with an ex that I was highly in love with back in high-school.

Grace rolls her eyes and shifts her body position away from Emerson.

Emerson: Seriously Grace, are you and Scott a thing now? I feel like you and him have been spending time for a while now… what happened that night?

Grace: What night?

Emerson: The night you showed up at his apartment at 4 in the morning.

Grace freezes in place. She remembers that night. She drove with tears in her eyes, mindlessly driving to the closest person she could to at the time. She couldn’t go to Emerson’s place because of the distance, she couldn’t go to Max’s, and she couldn’t go to her parents’ place. She kept driving until she pulled up to an apartment building in the city. She runs up the stairs until she knocks on an apartment door. She looks up to see Scott standing there, confused to see her standing there. She jumps into his arms and cries uncontrollably.

Scott: Grace? Hey, what’s wrong?

Grace: I-I just I-

Grace can’t stop crying and she’s trying her hardest to catch her breath. Scott just holds her in his embrace and allows her to cry it out. She doesn’t say a word after that.

Grace looks at Emerson and shakes her head.

Grace: I just needed a friend during a difficult time.

Emerson: Jeez, thanks?

Grace: Oh, like I was coming to you at 4 in the morning knowing what I’d walk into with you and Cami.

Emerson: But why him outta all people? Don’t get me wrong, Scott is the homie, but you guys just seem like you’ve been closer than usual.

Grace: *annoyed* Can you not be so invested in my life and focus on yours, dude?

Emerson: All I’m saying is that I don’t need you to get hurt and hurt a friend in the process.

Grace: Is that so?

Emerson: Grace.

Emerson looks back at the kitchen to make sure Cami won’t come out in the middle of the conversation they are having. He looks back at Grace and finally speaks.

Emerson: You’re using Scott as your rebound.

Grace: *angry* How can you say that? Scott is my fucking friend, Em. I am allowed to be friends with an ex and still get along with them and be close. For you to even think that I’m using Scott as a rebound really makes me wonder just how well you know me.

Emerson rolls his eyes as a response. He’s totally not buying it, and Grace knew that from the start.

Emerson: Grace, I love you like family, and I’m only telling you this because I know your patterns. When was the last time you spoke to–

Grace: That doesn’t matter, and I’m not getting into anything with anyone.

Emerson: *continues* –Jamie?

A long pause is present. Neither of the two say anything until Emerson picks up the conversation once again.

Emerson: You haven’t said anything about him since he left, and now here you are, rekindling a summer romance with your ex.

Grace: Jamie is not here anymore. He’s in South Korea living his life, probably moved on and everything. Why dwell on something that wasn’t going to last?

Emerson: Because you love the fuck outta him, Grace. It’s not rocket science.

Grace: It doesn’t matter if I did or if I didn’t. He’s not here, end of story.

Emerson: Do you think about Jamie whenever you’re with Scott? That’s what I mean when I say you love the shit outta him. Scott is your rebound and I would hate for you to hurt yourself and a friend because you’re still hurt about Jamie’s departure.

Grace: *frustrated* I don’t need you to give me advice about my life when I didn’t even ask for it. It’s none of your business.

Emerson: It’s my business when both of my closest friends are in shit that they don’t know what they’re getting themselves into.

Grace: Just stay outta it.

Grace gets up and gathers her things from the sofa.

Grace: I’m just going to take an Uber home.

Emerson: That’s it? You’re just running away from it?

Grace: I’m going home, where I belong.

As Grace gets her purse, Emerson gets up from the sofa and faces Grace.

Emerson: I know it’s none of my business, but I know how you work, Grace. You did this same shit when you and Max broke up. You just tie yourself up with another person until you or the other person gets too attached and get hurt in the end. I can’t see you go through this again.

Grace: Then don’t.

Grace leaves the apartment and waits for her cab. Once the cab drives up to the apartment building, Grace hops into it. She closes the door to the backseat and takes her phone out of her coat pocket. She scrolls through her phone and then sets it down on her lap. She looks at the city lights passing by as the car drives. Grace ponders the conversation she had with Emerson. She’s been enjoying her time with Scott, and sometimes she feels herself feeling good with Scott, but then she also finds herself thinking about Jamie. What has he been up to? Why can’t she just pick up the phone and see how he’s doing? Why isn’t she fighting for the one person that means the absolute world to her?

The last time Grace spoke to Jamie was when she left him that voicemail after leaving Max’s place a couple of months ago. She felt embarrassed immediately after sending it and since then she’s avoided Jamie at all costs. He would call her and she wouldn’t answer, and after a while he stopped trying. Since then, Grace has been trying to get her life back together; she’s been taking on more cases, she’s still seeing Willow every other weekend; she’s pretty much living her life the way she did before Jamie came into it. She realizes this was the first time she’s actually came out to hang out with Emerson and her friends since Jamie left. She’s been trying her hardest to get back to where her life was before Jamie. But, can it ever really go back to the way it was after experiencing the type of life she had with him?

The cab is now going over the Brooklyn Bridge back into the city, and Grace still sits there looking over the water. She closes her eyes for a split moment; she sees Jamie waking her up from her sleep, holding Willow.

Jamie: Rise and shine, Gracie. Little bean was wondering where her mama was this morning.

Grace slowly tosses back on the bed, seeing Jamie standing over her with Willow.

Grace: Mama’s here, Willie.

Grace sits up as Jamie hands her Willow in her arms. Willow sits on Grace’s lap, happily bouncing in place. Grace smiles at her daughter.

Grace: Thanks for getting Willow up this morning.

Jamie: It was nothing. I’m usually up early anyway and you needed the sleep after going over the case late last night.

Grace smiles at Jamie as he sits at the edge of the bed looking at the two girls.

Grace: Seriously though, I owe you. I know how Willow gets when she first wakes up. It’s not the most pleasant thing.

Jamie: *laughs* She’s a little sassy bean when she wakes up that’s for sure.

Jamie leans back to play hand games with Willow, who is intrigued.

Jamie: How about something along the lines of getting some coffee at the cafe? And perhaps a cookie for this little one.

Grace smiles at the interaction between Jamie and Willow.

Grace: Sounds like a plan.

The cab stops in front of an apartment building complex in the city. Grace thanks the cab driver and steps out as the cab drives off. She walks into the building, greets the front desk and hops on the elevator. She walks to the front door and unlocks it. When she walks in, she gets startled at the sight.

Grace: Max?

Max turns around and shushes Grace and points at the baby play pen in the living room. Grace is utterly confused at what’s going on.

Grace: What in the world are you doing here, I–

Max: I have to go back to England for a bit and I would like to take Willow with me.

Grace’s eyes widen in shock. She feels sick to her stomach. She sees nothing but blurry images of her apartment. She’s speechless.

Aigoo.

The train to my hometown felt longer than usual. Maybe I find myself in a book or in a case file or simply just sleeping the whole way through, but this time is different. This time, I’m sitting in my seat, bouncing my leg, not knowing how the weekend at my family’s house will turn out. I want to say it will be like any other time; sitting with my mom, Mina, and Lia around the table, eating an amazing home-cooked meal after what seems like decades, laughing, feeling like I’m a little kid again.

But I know it will be different. This time is different.

The bare trees past by as the train goes, the city streets quickly turn into fields covered in snow. With the lack of sleep I had the previous night, I began to doze off in my seat, hoping to give my mind some peace before I see my family.

The light is hitting my face, the sun warming my skin. I opened my eyes slowly, quickly covering my face from the light from my sun. I get up from my bed, throw on my robe, and head on out to the kitchen.

I turn on the coffee machine after preparing the pot. Walking back to my bedroom to grab my phone from the charger, I shove it in my pocket and return back to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee. I place the phone on the counter next to my mug. Pour. Stir. Taste. I lean against the counter and sip on my coffee. I look at my phone and nearly spill the coffee on the counter. A voicemail notification from Grace. I placed the phone against my ear to listen to the message.

“Please come home to me, Jamie.”

I jolted out of my light sleep after the train makes a sudden stop. I look outside, immediately noticing this is my stop. I grabbed my bags and got off the train.

My mother likes to rotate the pictures from the wall every 6 months. The last time I came to visit my mother was a couple of weeks before I left for my business trip to America. Pictures of her grandchildren from Mina, pictures from graduations of her children all posted together in a row. Lia’s accomplishments in photo frames next to the picture taken with her holding said award. Everything would change besides one photo on the wall: the family portrait we took a couple of months before my father passed away. I was still in law school when that picture was taken. Dark hair, thick glasses, sweater vest; and acne. Man, that acne took forever to finally clear up.

This time was no different. New pictures of Mina’s children all grown up, newer accomplishments of Lia’s work, and even a picture of me siting in the middle of both of my sisters from the beginning of last year. Alas, our family portrait, still at the center of the living room, surrounded by the other new pictures.

My mom came into the living room and placed a teapot and a couple of cups on a tray. Mina walked into the house with her two kids. Before I even said hi to Mina, my niece and nephew ran over to me to greet me.

“Uncle Jaeho!” they hug my legs as I stood up, smiling down at them. I really did miss these little beans. Little bean…

Mina came over to hug me. “It’s about time you showed up here!” I smiled at Mina’s banter. She was always the one that tried to keep us all together once our dad passed away.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Lie. I smiled through the interaction. The kids decided to play in the other room while Mina joined me in the living room to catch up. She asked me about my time in America, what I’ve been up to lately, and other things about being back and the people we knew. She told me about the kids, she told me about Lia dating a man that might be the one she ends up marrying. She told me about mom and her new hobbies she had. Sometimes I will guilty for not knowing these things about my family. Sometimes I feel like I’m truly the something that’s missing in that family portrait. I feel more so an outsider looking in than actually being a part of this family.

Shortly after, Mina and I go into the kitchen and help her get dinner together. I help the women carry the heavy dishes onto the dining room table and help clean up whenever the women are done with a certain area of the kitchen. Sooner than later, we all sat down at the dining room table, like a family, like old times.

Mina starts the conversation by asking Mom about something that they clearly spoke about recently. Mina and Lia were always checking up on Mom, and I know Mom doesn’t worry too much about me checking in every now and then, but still, it doesn’t make it feel any less guilty for not belonging.

“Jaeho-ga,” Mina looked at me and spoke. I stepped out of my thought, my attention was immediately on her. “We were thinking about going to visit Jeju Island for the summer, get the family together for one big celebration.” I smiled, attempting to get the attention off of me.

“Yeah, sounds good.” I looked down and continued to eat my food. The women in my family were not pleased with my behavior.

“Ya,” Mina sternly said. I looked up to cock my eyebrow up, unbothered by the tone even though I know she was upset.

“Are you willing to make some time out of your schedule to make it?” Mina always had a way to knowing that I would only be able to do something family related if she guilt-tripped me in front of our mom.

“I will, okay?” I answered back a little bit too annoyed at Mina, in which my mother scolded me for talking back to her like that. 28-years-old and my mom still scolds me like I’m like a child. Some things never change.

The dinner table was quiet once again, something that I got used to every now and then when the women are not talking among each other. This time, Lia asked me a question to break the tension at the dining room table.

“So Jaeho, did you do anything exciting while you were in America?” Lia started up the conversation. She only does that when she feels like there’s tension in between the siblings. She knows she would rather diffuse the tension than our mom catching one and doing it herself.

“I, uhh, went to see the big Christmas tree in New York City.” smiled at the memory, remembering holding Grace’s hand while staring up at all the colorful Christmas lights.

“Oh, like the one in the movies?” Lia asked, intrigued by the thought. It didn’t cross my mind that we only did know about that tree through western Christmas movies we watched when we were kids.

“Yeah, it’s really beautiful up close and in person.” I played around with my food on the pate for a bit, trying to not allow the memory of Grace show on my face. I did not want to have the conversation with my family about how I fell in love with an American girl in the time span of five months. After what felt like forever talking about my time in America, Mina interrupts me. Noona, why.

“So that’s why you didn’t call us to wish us Merry Christmas that day.” I had to think back to what she meant by that. Fuck, the time zones.

“I was quite busy that day running errands and working, it didn’t cross my mind at midnight on Christmas Eve that it was already Christmas Day here.” I was getting annoyed with Mina and how pushy she’s been with me today. Does she know more than I’m leading on?

“I’m sorry that you don’t think of your family on one of the most important holidays of the year,” Mina hissed. I glanced at Lia as she face-palmed to herself. My mother finally chimed in and told Mina that enough was enough. Mina stared at me across the table, visibly upset. Once the table is quiet again, Lia asked me how work has been going for me. From the look on my face, she instantly asks me if I still like doing what I do.

The truth of the matter is I do, but I feel the burnout slowly creeping in me. I’ve been working for 3 years straight; no breaks, no time in between cases. I found myself constantly taking on cases because it was the only thing I felt like I was needed in. My family, to say the least, live a life outside of me. They all keep in touch with each other and carry on with their lives while I’m working or traveling. I love my family, but they make me feel like I don’t exist. I know they would be fine without me here.

“I enjoy traveling, I mean my trip in New York City was really one that–” I stopped myself. You know it was because of Grace. I cleared my throat and drank from my cup. “I like being able to travel. I think I wouldn’t mind living in America for a while, experience life outside of my job. All of the women at the table stopped what they were doing to look up at me.

“Are you being serious?” Lia asked me, concerned present in her face. I can’t lie and say that I didn’t want to go back. The past couple of months, America felt more like home to me than being here has felt in a really long time. Grace made me feel like I belonged in New York City, that I could become a “New Yorker” if I knew all the best places like she did. She included me in her everyday life, coming to my apartment to tell me about her day, her friends and family, almost about everything that made me feel included. Being with her and little bean–little bean–I missed her immensely. I miss her laugh and her crawling around Grace’s apartment on a mission to find anything and everything she could get her hands on. It always stressed Grace out but it made me laugh; I can only imagine this is how Grace was when she was a baby. Like mother, like daughter.

Mina dropped her fork on her plate and excused herself from the table. I watched her walk out of the dining room to the front door, grabbing her jacket in the progress.

“Excuse me for a moment,” I calmly said and got up from the table to grab my coat and meet Mina outside. I walked out to find Mina taking a drag out of a lit cigarette. Noona, what the fuck?

“Mina,” She looks at me and instantly puts out the cigarette. “What’s going on?”

“For you to just say that in front of Mom and Lia without thinking is really baffling. Do you know how selfish that would be?” I looked at Mina; I couldn’t hide the absolute shock I was in hearing Mina say what she said.

“Selfish? Mina, everything I do is for you guys. I do what I do to make mom proud. I come around as much as I can for mom, for Lia, for you and the kids. I do what I do because all I ever did was try to be the best for you guys. How about me? When was the last time I did something for myself?”

It’s true. Everything I’ve done to this point was for my family. Be the best for them, do the best for them. I’m 28-years-old with nothing to show for my accomplishments besides the sleep deprived face I wear on most days. I live my life day-by-day without anything to come home to, anyone to come home to.

Mina finally turns around to face me. “Mom doesn’t have dad anymore. Mom doesn’t have someone to help her do the tough tasks. All that mom deserves is for all of her children to still come and see her, no matter how busy or no matter how much we can’t fit it in our schedules. We do this for mom.”

“But when it’s time to finally tell yourself that you have to live your own life? When is it time to finally come to terms with the fact that your time is ticking and you need to start making moves before you regret the life you live? Mina, I need to live my life. My life doesn’t feel like it’s confined in here anymore, I–“

“Did you meet someone in America?” Mina bluntly asks. I’m taken back by the question, how the hell would Noona know? I looked at her, completely puzzled, not sure how to respond back. I think she knows the answer the longer I take to respond. She shakes her head and smiles in disbelief.

“You know someone for a couple of months, think you know them, and decide to move your entire life to a new country–“

“What life?” I interrupted, now annoyed. “I’m telling you, Mina, sometimes I feel like I’m the one that’s gone. I feel like dad is here more than I am. Dad gets to see you, Lia, and Mom while sitting in that portrait every time you are all together. I feel like I’m the one that’s missing. Gone. Not here anymore. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong anymore.”

“You are family, Jaeho.” Mina pleaded. “You picking up your life to move across the world is going to devastate us.”

I looked at Mina, remembering how close we were when we were kids. Mina, although was the oldest and looked after Lia and I, always spent time with me whenever mom and dad were at work. She took me to school in the mornings, picked me up in the afternoon. She would sometimes buy tteokbokki for Lia and I whenever she would get paid from her part-time job. Mina looked after us, and I will always be grateful for her being selfless enough to do that; because that’s just who she was: selfless. Years later, even after dad’s death and the fact that we all are grown ups, she still takes that role on. She feels like she has to keep everything together. I admire her for it, but I know I can’t live my life the way she does. Not after what these last couple of months have been like for me.

Maybe Mina will grow to like Grace. They are both mothers, they both know the importance of putting the ones you love ahead of their own basic needs. If anyone could understand Mina best, I believe it would be Grace.

“Please come home to me, Jamie.”

“The life I left behind in the states is devastating me, Mina.” Mina’s face softens. She takes in a deep breath and walks past me to head back inside the house. I stand outside by myself, seeing the sun set across town. I close my eyes for a brief moment and I see Grace. I see her holding little bean, smiling at me, to me. Her freckle are out, her skin is flushed pink, her curly red hair is flowing around her small, petite body. I see her in New York City. I see my life waiting for me.

I walked back into the house after opening my eyes.

“I love you, call me when you’re ready.”

I snapped out of my thought when I see and hear Willow crawling to me on the floor. I instantly smiled, grabbing her so she can sit in my lap and play with the toy she left next to me. She cooed in excitement, smiling like there is nothing wrong with the world. Nothing is wrong in her world, despite everything else happening around her. I smile, thanking God that even though things aren’t what they’re supposed to be, that she is still a happy baby. That’s all that matters; Willow’s happiness.

I look up when Max enters the room. He stops when he sees us together. Smiling. I don’t think I’ve seen Max smile since we’ve broken up. He walks towards us and instead of sitting on the sofa, he sits on the ground with me. He watches Willow play with her toy in my arms, his eyes never leaving his sight. God, he loves his daughter.

“Thanks for letting me see Willie today.” I didn’t even look at Max when I said it; maybe I was just thanking some other being for allowing me to see Willow today, but that’s just crazy talk. Max is in this room. This is Max’s house.

“Of course.” Max looked at me and genuinely seemed to be at peace. Maybe living outside of the city was best for him. The city always kept him up; the loud noises and the constant traffic going throughout the night; he never was well rested in the city. When Willow was born, he was always anxious at night and how the loud noises would scare and wake her up. There were times I found him sleeping on her bedroom floor, as if him being in there would protect her from all the loud noises in the world. Me? I grew up in the city; sirens and cars drinking in the night were my ocean sound maker.

Max took in a deep breath and I instantly looked at him. Fuck, why do you do this? He looks back at me and shakes his head, as if he knows that I’m always worried about him and he tells me that everything is going to be alright without actually saying it. Max knew this about me, that even when we were together, working on that intern case, I worried about him more than I worried about myself, especially since the first case was tied to his family back in England. Maybe if I was there like we was there for me, maybe I would’ve felt more inclined to leave my job and work things out and be a mother to Willow and–

“How have you been? Everything is alright on your end?” I looked at him when he asked that. He never fails to ask the same question.

“I’m fine, Max.” I said it more coldly than I intended for it to come out. Fuck, I’m sorry.

Max looked away, just watching Willow crawl around and play with the toys in her way.

I always feel like I put Max down, especially during the pregnancy and after Willow was born. It’s like I never allowed him to do or say the right thing because I dismissed him. It was like I was angry at him for putting me in the situation I was in; trying to finish up our intern case and getting me pregnant in the process. For quitting the firm and leaving me on my own and making me decide on my family or job. Most importantly, I feel like I’ve been angry at him this whole time for being the better parent to Willow. He remembers the things she likes. He remembers to change diapers and bathe her. He remembers the important things that make a parent a parent. I’m angry at him for being the parent Willow will like better later in life.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

Max placed his hand on my thigh and looked at me. I looked down at his hand, nervously frozen in place. Max loves you, call him when you’re ready.

“Just know that everything is going to be okay.” Max always knew how to reassure me. He never pressured me in talking about things I did not want to talk about, of course if it wasn’t anything related to Willow, which I now understand. Our daughter isn’t a second thought. When before Willow, Max knew when to step back and just be there for me. No words said, just stayed there. I missed that. I missed the Max that would come over to my apartment and just comfort me.

Without realizing it, I placed my head on his shoulder, and it instantly took me back. The moments when I would lay in bed in pain towards the end of my pregnancy, and how Max would sit up with me until I fell asleep on his shoulder; those are the moments that remind me of how good of a man Max is. He was always there, and because of Willow he’ll always be here. So why do I still feel so alone? Why does everyone leave?

“I love you, call me when you’re ready.”

I take my head off of Max’s shoulder and slowly get up from the floor. He watched me get up, and all he said was “Grace.” I shut my eyes. I hoped he wasn’t going to say what he was going to say, but I knew he was going to.

“Can we talk?” I turned around, looking at him sit on the ground. I sat on the sofa, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to escape this conversation; not this time. He got up and picked up Willow to set her down for her nap. At least she won’t have to hear her parents bickering for the umpteenth time.

Max loves you, call him when you’re ready.

Max came back and sat on the sofa next to where I was sitting. He looked at me with such sad eyes. I know where this is going.

“You haven’t been able to get Willow these last couple of weekends because of the new case you picked up. Are you sure you’re okay? You know I can always help you out. We’re in this together.”

Don’t. We’re not though. I wanted to believe that Max was being honest and that he would be around for whatever this was now. At the beginning, he was there. He came over with Willow more often and we tried to work things out. But I see this version of Max, and I know what this version of Max is like. He wants to continue to be there for me, he wants to check on me every now and then and he wants to work things out.

But he also knows the version of Grace I currently am. I’m way too caught up on imagination, too caught up on my job and the fact that my heart belongs to a man that lives across the world but who’s to say this is just a man that will also leave when they get tired of me I mean he basically–

“Grace?”

I looked up at Max, who was patiently waiting for me to respond to him. I stared at him, trying to gather the thoughts together. Max doesn’t deserve to be lied to. Just tell him the truth.

“I know you want to be there and work things out for the sake of Willow… but…” Just fucking say it, Grace.

“Grace. I want to help you because I care about you and want nothing more for you to be okay so that Willow is okay. We both have to be okay in order to be there for her. She loves you, Grace. She needs her mom, and if there’s anything that’s preventing you for doing that, I am willing to help. For the sake of Willow.”

What? I was confused in what he said. Max was always the one to talk about the difficult things because he knew I was never one to talk. Since I’ve known Max, he always knew that some of the hardest things for me to do was speak up about difficult situations and to sit down and have those tough discussions. Max knows things need to be spoken when I get small, when I stop talking, when I’m about to disappear. He knows when to bring me back, to remind me that it’s okay to be feeling how I feel, that everything will play itself out in the process.

“I love you, call me when you’re ready.”

“I’m sorry.” That’s all that I could muster out. I’m sorry I wasn’t the woman you needed. I’m sorry that I didn’t fight hard enough. I’m sorry that even though you love me with your whole heart, that you love your daughter to the moon and back, that I sit here and think about everything else but being in love with you. I’m sorry that I only love you as a person, and for being an amazing father, but that I am not in love with you anymore. I’m sorry I broke you. I–

“It’s okay, Grace. Things happen, and I hope that you find the happiness you may need. You deserve happiness too.” I looked at Max and he smiled the biggest smile. I stared at him, analyzing his words and his body language and… he seems so genuine. He feels lighter, he feels like he needed clarification and he finally heard it. But, he doesn’t look hurt. He doesn’t look like I just broke his heart and his dream of being a family with him. He looks…light. He looks brighter, and for the first time in a long time, he looks like he has color on his face. Has he found happiness with someone else?

“You deserve it too, Max.” I barely made out those words without completely breaking down in tears.

“I’m already happy. I have the most beautiful daughter in the world.” I smile, so glad that Willow has both her parents that love her unconditionally, that she will grow up in this world knowing that we both love her, support her, and guide her in the right directions, even if Max and I aren’t together.

“I love you, call me when you’re ready.”

I looked outside to see the sun setting. Fuck, I need to get back to the city. I looked at Max, instantly anxious once again.

“It’s okay. We’ll talk about Willow spending the weekend at your place later on in the week. Get home safely, Grace.”

“Tell Willow mama loves her.” Please, remind her that I will always love her.

“Of course.” Max smiled and got up to escort me out of the door. When the door opened, the air felt crisp, but freshening. I closed my eyes, and took the winter night breeze in on my face. I feel different walking out of this house; for the first time in a really long time, I felt heard and seen.

I turned around to face Max and gave him a hug. I could tell he wasn’t ready for it due to how stiff he initially was.

“Thank you, Max. For listening.” I smiled up at him, as he smiled down at me.

“Anytime, Ashmore.” This was the Max I grew to love.

I turned back around to walk towards my car and once I got in, I waved up to Max, who also waved back before closing his front door. I took in a deep breath and took my phone out of my coat pocket. I closed my eyes.

“I love you, call me when you’re ready.”

I love you, and I hope I’m not too late.

“Hey, it’s me. Sorry if this is getting to you really early in the morning… I got your message. I–” I blinked and tears fell down from my face. I don’t regret saying what I said, but–

“Please come home to me, Jamie.”