Category: Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

When I graduated high school at 18 years old, I didn’t think college was going to be for me. My first semester of college was a challenging one; I was thrown into a new atmosphere not feeling ready for the experience that college was. I was left thinking, “Maybe college isn’t for me” when I knew deep down that this was the route I was meant to take for the next couple of years.

When I was on the path to graduating college at 22 years old, I didn’t think grad school was going to be for me. Sure, at the time of getting my bachelor’s degree, I felt as if I had a lot more to learn about writing and wanted to better myself as a writer. I was thrown into my graduate studies without any break in between and with truly no guidance. I’ve learned so much about the type of work I want to be a part of, but getting my Master’s degree in English left some emotional and psychological scars in the process.

When I graduated with my master’s at 24 years old, I told myself that I was done being a student and that it was time to get out into the real world and finally get some work experience. At 25, I got my first part-time job at my old college’s bookstore mainly because that’s what I was qualified for not having any prior work experience. By 28, I was able to get my current job at the Registrar’s Office at the same college I got both of my degrees. Of course, everything is made up of hierarchy, which meant I came into the office working part-time, with minimal wage for the first year and a half there. After hard work and consistency, I was able to get the opportunity to develop more as a professional in higher education and get full-time at the office being an Assistant to the Higher Education Office (aHEO).

I turn 30 in a little over 4 months, and more than ever I am figuring out the things I want to achieve in that new decade of my life. My 20s were a time of establishment; figuring out who I was in this society and going through the ups and downs of what it meant to live a life that was in between the early years of young adulthood versus actually entering adulthood.

While I have so much I want to do entering my 30s, something that I subconsciously dreamt of was another graduation day. For a couple of years now, I have had dreams of finishing what I started; I was proud of my accomplishments in college and grad school, but I always wanted to excel in academia. That’s when it finally clicked:

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m putting it out in the universe to return to school to get my doctorate degree in my 30s.

Setting this goal in mind makes me excited to enter my 30’s, to be honest. I think this is something I thought about a lot but felt like I couldn’t do it after the damage grad school left on me. But, I was 24 years old when I got my master’s degree. I fast-tracked into a program without taking any real break from being a student. I was burnt out but by the time I graduated with my master’s, and when I did leave my student life behind, I had no identity outside of that life. But, I’ve had some time to focus on myself and figure out who I am as an adult in society rather than a student in one. I now have work experience, I’ve done publications, and my resume is actually looking like a true resume! I’m in a really good place with a better understanding of my limits and boundaries. If I didn’t think I could do it, I wouldn’t even consider the thought.

Of course, I still have a ways to go before I actually start filling out applications to doctorate programs. I still need some more work experience in this field I want to pursue as a legitimate career. I want to do my research on the type of doctorate degree I want to pursue. I want to work to prepare myself to return to school, and become a student again; this time one that is a little bit more established and who matured as a person. I want to feel as ready as possible to enter a new program, which is something I didn’t allow myself to do when transitioning from my undergrad to graduate studies.

It’s my drive and passion for excellence and growth that has always put this idea in my mind that I would attend commencement wearing a fabric, doctorate cap & down. I think as time goes on and I officially enter my 30s in a couple of months, I feel this sense of commitment to go ahead and apply to some CUNY EdD programs. In the meantime, I want to continue to work on what it means to be a professional in higher education and learn the methods and techniques to provide a service to faculty, administrators, and students. I also want to completely learn the art of code-meshing in the workplace; how to balance out my professional, formal voice with the likeableness of my everyday, human voice! There’s just so much I am ready to embark on when it comes to my job and I’m excited to do the work that I enjoy so much as I prepare to study more about it in a doctorate program.

With time, I am definitely making at least this dream a reality of mine.

Dear Summer 2023,

You came and went faster than any other summer I had within the last couple of years. It seems as if the unofficial start of the summer was yesterday and the news of the beaches opening excited all of us that patiently waited for warm weather to come. It seems like it was yesterday that I was sitting on the deck of my aunt’s backyard, sipping a glass of chardonnay while listening to 80’s Classic Rock on the Bluetooth speaker. Now it’s back to school for the kids and teenagers, back to a full work schedule for the adults, and back to the “Ber” months of the year where many people celebrate the Fall season through Halloween and other autumn related activities.

But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let us take a moment to talk about you.

Summer 2023, you have been the first summer in a very long time where I spent most of my free time by myself. I was truly on my own to do anything socially this summer, but you also have been the first summer in a really long time that I got to do fun, outdoorsy things in a more confident way. I spent most of my days at the local community pool, sunbathing for hours and swimming during the times when the pool wasn’t so busy. I sat in the sun, thinking about the things I needed to do once I was done at the pool, but most of the time I thought about how content I’ve been since adapting new techniques and methods on living a healthier lifestyle mentally. Your summer mornings at the pool were possibly my favorite time of the day. The pool waters is calm and the sun beaming down onto the water took me back to my childhood summers when my aunt used to have a pool in her backyard in her old house. The tan lines show just how much time was spent at the pool. I am grateful that you allowed me the time and confidence to go to the pool as a solo adventure and in a one-piece bathing suit without swim shorts for the first time in 18 years. Needless to say, I hope to now keep this summer tradition for future summers to come.

Summer time meant more time spent with fur babies, especially on the days where I was having such a hard day and all I needed was a hug from one of my cats. It also meant spending time with my grandmother’s dog whenever my family and I went to visit. Last summer, I spent most of it taking care of my cats, who were then just kittens. While last summer that caused a lot of my anxiety, this summer it was refreshing to hop into bed and have the cats come and greet me after a long day at work. Summer 2023, you have shown me just how much I value the fur-babies in my life, and that they are the purest form of serotonin I have in my life.

Summer 2023, you have taught me that it is okay to move on and not hold any grudges towards the people you once knew and the versions of myself that did not last for long. I learned that the (one of many keys) to true happiness is setting boundaries with not just those around me, but with myself as well. I learned I can be just as toxic as those around me; therefore, I needed to set those boundaries with myself as well. Summer 2023, you shown me places within my own neighborhood that I haven’t visited on my own just for the fact that was too afraid to. I was able to go into cute boutiques where Ramon Cola and Japanese snacks were sold on the shelves. I was able to write blog posts sitting on top of a rock that was located on top of the hill, facing the direction closest to the water. I was able to get Korean corn dogs and Triangular kimbap after work on the days I craved it the most, even though I have yet mastered the proper way to unwrap the kimbap and have it stay in place. I was able to actually go into a store and shop for clothes in-person; something that I was not able to do when I was heavier. It was empowering to realize that I was now a size Large; a size I don’t ever remember being in a really long time. I was able to do a lot of things on my own because, well, I had to be my own friend to hang out with this time around. Of course, some days I felt lonely, but never alone. I think that mentality comes with maturing and learning that the only person that will look after you, care for you, and be there for you through it all is you.

Lastly, you have shown me that hard work truly pays off. Summer 2023, do you remember the day I was at work on a gloomy Wednesday afternoon? Something felt off mentally for me; it was like I wasn’t able to really focus on my job without getting some wave of anxiety about something. I went to the bathroom one final time before clocking out for the day, returning to my co-workers telling me that the Head of Registrar was looking for me. I had nervously went into her office to see that she was on a call with my immediate boss; the Supervisor of Historical Records. I sat in a seat next to the Head of Registrar, in which then my immediate boss said out loud: “The full-time position that’s been in the works as been approved by Central.” Do you remember me literally crying in that office, feeling like I was on top of the world? I don’t remember much after, but I remember even admitting to the two women that this week in particular was extremely difficult for me, and this has been some of the greatest news I got in a really long time. Do you remember that? You must do; it’s been the highlight of what the summer was for me. New opportunities. New beginnings. A new journey to add onto this chapter of my life. I don’t think that I’ll ever forget the feeling I had walking out of the office feeling as wanted and valued as a new professional in higher education.

This is just the beginning, and it all started during the summer of 2023.

Setting boundaries with others is one thing, but setting them with yourself is a whole other type of experience.

Ever since I began therapy in 2018, a topic of discussion that often came up was learning how to set boundaries with those around me. It’s no secret that I grew up being a people-pleaser; I always put the feelings of others before my own, even if I got hurt or silenced in the process. While the process of actually applying those practices into everyday life took years of trial and error, I can confidently say that I make my boundaries known and make sure they are heard for the sake of protecting my energy and my self-worth.

A lot of those boundaries unfortunately were enforced once I already made myself too available and too open in the relationships I had with people in my life, so most (if not all) successful “setting boundaries” stories were learning experiences, whether or not the outcome was what I expected it to be.

It really wasn’t until I had to learn that setting boundaries was not just an external thing I needed to do in order to better my mental health; it was also something I needed to do with myself.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I just recently started to set boundaries with myself. These are the things I’ve learned so far in doing so.

Let’s take it a few steps back before we just jump into this: setting boundaries is not a new thing for me to do, but the way I would set them in the past was still unhealthy for my overall mental health. In the past, setting boundaries was strictly an act of selfishness. My boundaries with people consist of me being completely one-sided and too protective of myself when really I was just hurting more in the end. It was either you respected my unrealistic boundaries that only accommodated my needs or you were cut out of my life. Cue 2016 Liz after graduating college and thinking I had my life all figured out.

Setting boundaries once being in therapy became more about setting them with the intention of challenging the social anxiety I’ve developed in those last couple of years into my early twenties. Again, transitioning the relationships in my life already to set these boundaries weren’t easy; especially for a person that still had to learn so much about myself and how my anxiety looked like on me versus everyone else. Many of those relationships ended because I simply didn’t know how to express what I needed out of them. I didn’t know how to express to others that the way I functioned had a lot to do with my anxiety disorder without never taking accountability for the shitty behavior I put on them. Even to this day, I’m learning to express this to others that will never fully comprehend how anxiety looks like on me; only I would know it completely.

Even after developing friendships later in my twenties and had a better knowledge about who I was as a person, I still struggled to set boundaries with people. It wasn’t because I was afraid to set them at this point in my life; it was because I was unaware that there were situations and points in these relationships that needed to have boundaries set early on.

It wasn’t until just recently that I realized that I needed to set boundaries with myself in order to know how to properly set them with the people around me.

I’ve known that I wasn’t always in the right when the relationships fell out. I know that just like everyone else I carry toxic traits that I’m not proud of. I know that I do things and say things that do not align with the energy I try to put out there, that I’m not proud of, and that truly act as the catalyst between me feeling better and me overthinking everything.

And jut like the “toxic people” you may need to set boundaries with, you also have to set them with your own “toxic person.”

For me, that includes actually blocking certain profiles on social media so that I’m not inclined to obsess and lurk to see how the people I cut out of my life are doing. It includes me thinking about the impulse decisions I make before actually doing them. It includes reminding myself that I am also capable of ruining my good energy by overthinking and allowing myself to do unhealthy things. Once I found ways to set these boundaries with myself, I find myself focusing on myself in positive ways. Whenever I feel myself slip into these bad and unhealthy habits, I remind myself that I could spend this time doing something beneficial and useful; something that enhances the good energy in me.

Since then, I’ve felt like there’s been so much more progress in my healing than previous times.

Setting boundaries with myself has shown me the type of boundaries I should be setting with other people. Boundaries, in the simplest form, are meant to protect us from things that affect us in a negative way. We set them so that we let others know what we will and will not tolerate, and I think we all need a better understanding of what that they mean for us by setting them with ourselves. By setting them with ourselves first, we’re learning if they need to be revised in any way before we project them onto other people.

I’m in no way saying that setting boundaries with yourself works with everyone. Maybe it’s not an universal thing that people may do, but for the type of person that I know I am personally, I believe that setting these boundaries with myself will allow me to let go of this belief that I am able to control what other people do or how they react to different scenarios and situations. While I know that for most of my life, I’ve been known to accommodate to other people’s feelings, I’ve also been known to not carefully consider what or when was the right time to enforce boundaries or do certain things just because I felt ready. I always need to control the situation even when I knew I couldn’t, because that also involved trying to control the other person in it.

Setting these boundaries with myself gave me the power to control how I should react and what I should say in situations that were triggering or bothered me. Instead of being reactive and controlling instantly, I now stop myself and ask questions to rationalize and truly understand why I am acting the way I am towards something. I ask, “if you know what’s bothering you, why and what about it did it make you feel this way? Have you thought about other possibilities before taking it personal? Does it serve you any good by allowing it to make you think and feel this way? What can you do to step back and gather yourself so that you are able to approach this at another time when you know you will not be so emotionally reactive to it?” For me, I really do ask myself if it serves me any good to allow something to damper my good energy, because 9 out of the 10 times, it’s not.

I’m not a stranger when it comes to setting boundaries, but I am definitely a novice when enforcing them in a positive, non-reactive way. I am still learning what works and doesn’t work for me, and how can I revise some of the key boundaries with people by enforcing them on myself first. So far, it’s teaching me a lot about what it truly means to protect my good energy, when if i have to protect it some myself.

Sometimes, you find yourself in a position when you’ve become so self-aware of your behavior and ticks and you are forced to make a decision about it: will you acknowledge it and continue to do it because you know how it starts and where it stems from, or will you acknowledge it and then challenge it?

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am currently challenging my trichotillomania.

I spoke about what trichotillomania looks like on me a couple of years ago when I thought it was at its worst. I was just returning to my bookstore job after the pandemic lockdown in 2020 and I was dealing with some anxiety about things I didn’t have control over. Needing to feel some type of control, I would nervously tweeze, pluck, or pull hair from different parts of my body mindlessly and would feel helpless when I know I needed to stop.

Like I mentioned in my first blog post about this, I remember this habit developing one day when was 12-years-old, reading a book that I was really into at the time. I have this memory of reading this book on my bed; on my back with the book in one hand and my other hand mindlessly pulling the hair off of my eyebrows. As the years progressed, my eyebrows have always been the one consistent place on my body that suffered the most with this bad tick. Other places on my body have had points where I hyper-focused on at once, but my eyebrows have always been the place where I struggled to not touch when I had these hair-pulling episodes.

For years, I deemed it as nearly impossible to let my eyebrows fully grown out to its full potential. Before this tick, I always had naturally thick eyebrows to the point that I even rocked a baby unibrow when I was a kid. After years of plucking and tweezing the same hairs off of my eyebrows over and over again, I was afraid that the hair in those places would never grow back. I started to accept my patchy and spare eyebrows when I learned how to draw them with makeup back in 2016 (before that, well, let’s just say were drawn horrendously…)

Anyway…

The first half of this year has been one with tons of challenges whether they’ve been my own personal/mental challenges, or external challenges like social and familial ones. I tried to find ways to hide the fact that I was never going to be able to grow out my eyebrows, so I bleached them earlier this year to hide the little hairs I had left on them. I liked the look of them; it was the first time I ever tried the trendy, bleached eyebrow look and it was low maintenance since I didn’t have much hair to bleach whenever I had to touch them up. But, after having bleached eyebrows for three months straight, I didn’t have much eyebrow hair left in which I dyed whatever I had left and tried to grow them out again. Needless to say, it wasn’t long after that I plucked all of the remaining eyebrow hair off of my face.

When dealing with a nervous tick that in a way is categorized as a self-harming type of behavior, it’s easy to accept it for what it is and find ways to live around with it. For me, I thought that having bleached eyebrows would help me not resort to plucking if I didn’t see the hair on my face. Wrong. I eventually would get so anxious, I went back to plucking them once I saw the roots turn black, and before I knew it I was completely hairless in my eyebrow region.

I knew the only other thing I could do is challenge this nervous tick. I wanted to test myself this time around instead of allowing and accepting that this was something I was going to live with for the rest of my life. I wanted to test if I was capable of truly being able to control what I can. I wanted to see if I was able to find healthy alternatives to these ticks, like playing with a fidget toy or apply castor oil on my eyebrows whenever they weren’t drawn in. At a bigger scale, I wanted to not let these unhealthy ticks control me whenever I feel like I am not in control of the situations happening around me.

So, here I am.

I don’t know how my progress will look like by the time this post is published on the blog, but this alone has made me the most proud I’ve been in regards to manifesting something into existence. I don’t know how my eyebrows will look like (or how long my actual hair has grown since writing this), but I’m excited to continue challenging myself from something I haven’t been able to tackle in more than a decade. After a last couple of months of things not being in my field to control, I feel like this is one of the few things I actually have some way over, and if I want to see just how long I can go without relying on my nervous tick to ease my anxiety, I can.

My goal is to not only fully grow back my eyebrows, but I am hoping to grow out my hair (finally) out of the pixie stage its been in since December 2018. I think i am just at a place in my life where I want to take back control of the things I know I can and be proud of making those goals into active changes in life. I would love to see myself a year from now with a little short bob and full eyebrows!

It’s all about celebrating the little victories on the way to the main goal, and I think that’s the path I am continuing to walk down on.

Let’s just say that my only new year’s resolution didn’t necessarily go as planned.

The day is December 31st, 2022; New Year’s Eve. As someone that carries some trauma associated with the holiday, I never try to make a big deal out of it. I try to keep myself busy; on this particular NYE, I went to the beauty supply store and purchased a packet of bleach to try the whole trendy “bleached, no eyebrow” eyebrow look on my already non-existent eyebrows. As the hours counted down towards midnight, I told myself I wasn’t going to set any resolutions since I really didn’t believe in them. The only thing I wanted out of 2023 was for the year to be relatively peaceful and quiet after a very loud and very busy 2022.

Hi, my name is Liz and I think this year has been anything but peaceful or quiet for me.

2023 continues my journey of embracing the person I am growing into and practicing how to assert myself in areas such as self-worth, self-respect, and in self-confidence. I knew that new things were destined to come my way professionally as I was told early on in the year that my office was in the process of potentially getting me a full time position! Entering 2023, I feel like I was going through possibly one of the highest points in my life–

until I was at my lowest.

As we passed the halfway point into the year (which is crazy considering it feels like the year just started), I reflect back on the last 7 months of 2023 and how it’s molded me into the person I am today and even where I’m going in the future.

In 2023, most (if not all) of my interpersonal relationships were tested. I entered 2023 feeling secure and surrounded by these relationships for them to not be here anymore or not what they were before. These challenges were faced with a lot of questions in mind: am I letting people speak about my feelings and my life without really knowing the entire story? Am I going to let people fuck me up to the point where it hinders my growth as a person? Why am I feeling the way that I feel if I already know what I should do about it? I would never say that the people I once had in my life (past or present) never had my best interest in mind, but the difference was that I never even had my own best interest in mind, so why would the people around me do? I realized that after stepping back from a lot of these relationships to reflect and take a look at it as an outsider looking in: a lot of the relationships you had during the time where you were a people-pleaser and accommodated to everyone’s feelings besides yours will start to look different once you change those qualities about yourself.

Removing those qualities came with a lot of self-doubt and contemplating whether or not I was doing the right thing. There’s a fine line between being assertive and just being a mean person overall and most of the time, you’re never going to get an unanimous answer of what it truly is. You may think you’re being assertive and putting your foot down in situations you never put your foot down for when really, you’re not accounting what everyone else may be feeling and are only thinking for yourself (and vice versa, of course).

A lot of my time alone this year was spent on feeling guilty of practicing assertiveness with the relationships in my life. I spent a lot of time fighting the urge to revert back to old habits, to let people influence my decision making and to let people step all over me without acknowledging my feelings. I was afraid that I would not be seen anymore if I allowed myself to revert, but I felt like I was stuck in this place where I had the angel and devil on my shoulders:

“You are working towards a better you,” the angel began to say. “Practicing these techniques and methods means you are not going to get them right the first couple of times. Be gentle with yourself; you know how much you are truly worth.”

“But you’re constantly doing it wrong,” the devil counteracted. “Like look at yourself, Liz; you’re back to when you had no identity and no friends and like, seriously; if it feels like how it was before it’s most likely because it’s exactly how it was before.”

Not even the amount of therapy I have gotten to this point can help me rewire this part of my brain to finally stand up and say that it is what it is and that the next group of people I allow into my life will be introduced to an already assertive and outspoken Liz.

But that’s a whole different part of the story I am not ready to write yet.

In the meantime, I am learning how to be gentle with myself and give myself the same love and support I would give out to other people. I am at a place where I am learning that these changes do not happen overnight and that patience is truly the key. Half of the work has already happened; I’ve practiced these techniques and enforced them on whatever was dimming my light. The other half of the work is still yet to be determined, and who’s to say the work gets any easier just because of the practice?

When is it going to be about perfecting it?

Perfecting techniques so that when these insecurities and untamed emotions subside, I already know what has to be done. Perfecting the alignment of my heart to my mind and being on the same page with them so that I can come out of these situations the best that I can be. Rome wasn’t built overnight, and I know I have more than the rest of this year to unlearn beliefs and ideologies that are harmful to my mental well-being.

These next 5 or so months, I don’t see myself having this “come of Jesus” moment and discover the true meaning and purpose of life. I don’t even see a lot of peace along the way, and that’s not me being pessimistic or a Debbie Downer; it’s me having lived a lot of life and experienced how not everything that shines is gold. I know that anything in life can happen, and no matter how prepared I am for what’s to come or how it comes, I am still learning and growing into the person I want to become–

–and there’s simply no deadline for when that happens.

I want these next 5 months of 2023 to be a time where I am experiencing all of the things I was once too scared to experience. I want to continue having the difficult conversations I used to avoid completely when I was younger. I want to be my authentic self to others and still remind them I have feelings and emotions just like theirs. I want to push myself to try new things, learn new methods and techniques and perfecting the ones I am already being taught.

Most importantly, I want to enter my 30’s in 2024 alive.

Not just physically alive, but I want to experience my 30’s just how everyone describes them to be; “a time in your life where you do not care what people say or think about you because you have a pretty good understanding of who you are.” If there’s one thing I felt consistently in my 20’s, it’s the feeling of being mentally exhausted. Shit; I’m currently mentally exhausted. I’m exhausted of worrying about what people portray me as, I’m exhausted of trying to prove myself to people who already have an opinion about me. I’m exhausted of allowing external beings influence my internal feelings. I’m exhausted wondering if I am worthy of healthy, true love in the form of romantic partners, platonic friends, and anything that I feel like I don’t deserve. I am exhausted of having other people’s best interest in mind and never having my own. I so desperately try to keep lovers and friends in my life, yet easily let go of the lover and friend within myself.

I am so proud of how far I’ve become as a person. I am proud that I am relearning who I am and what are the things that define me as an unique being in this world (and yes, that includes my red flags and toxic traits). I am proud that I can look back to the Liz I was 10 years ago and truly say that I made it through the shit that I thought was going to take me down.

I just hope that 2033 Liz sees the same in the 2023 me, knowing I’ve overcome everything I’m going through now. There’s no doubt in my mind that she will.

Time flies when you think about it.

In 2021, 2023 felt like it was a long way. At the time, I was thinking a lot of things: in 2023 I would be 29, God knows where I was going to be work wise, and it would be 2 years from having weight-loss surgery.

Hi, my name is Liz, and this Wednesday marks 2 years since having gastric bypass surgery.

I look back at pre-surgery Liz through videos and photos saved in the archives of Instagram, remembering the things she was into and mentally where she was. Her life was surrounded by K-pop on the days she didn’t have to focus on doctor appointments and tests for clearance. She was a bookseller, lifting 50 lbs of books during our chargeback season & training the new booksellers for the upcoming Fall semester starting in August. I requested my two weeks sick leave prior to my surgery date that summer, and when that last day of work came before that take off, I didn’t imagine returning with my life being completely different.

The night of July 11th, I didn’t realize that the person that sat at the kitchen table wasn’t going to ever return. Physically, it was a given; after the surgery would start the 2 year weight loss journey, but mentally? I don’t think I could even remember the person that was Liz before her life completely changed.

I knew that life was going to change for me, but it never surprises me just how much of it really has changed. I entered this journey being 311 pounds and wearing a 4XL and size 32 in pants. I never left my house due to how exhausted I always felt; especially in the summer. I felt older, like middle age old, and I was not even close to being that age. Two years later, I am 170 pounds and wearing a L and size 14 in pants. I can’t sit in one place for too long without feeling the need to get up and go somewhere. I am currently writing this on a beautiful and sunny day at a park because I didn’t want to write inside the house. I have this energy—all this built-up energy— to do the things I never wanted to do when I was heavier. Physically I feel the greatest I ever felt, and of course a lot of that reflects how my mental health has been as well.

Sure, it’s not all peaches and cream when I speak about my mental journey these last two years, but I’ve been in places mentally that I dreamt of being in when first starting my healing back in 2018.

I’ve mentioned a lot in past blog posts that this journey has giving me the confidence to practice methods and techniques that challenges my social anxiety. Because I was changing habits physically for a better health, I now felt ready to change habits I’ve developed during the time I was defined by my mental illnesses. On one side, it has enhanced my love for life; I don’t ever feel like life is not worth living. I don’t allow life to pass day-by-day without doing the things that feeds my soul. It’s allowed me to become independent and able to do things without an entourage. On the other side, it’s also tested a lot of the relationships in my life that knew me as the Liz that was submissive, dependent, and unable to speak up for herself. A lot of those relationships have either drastically changed, or are simply not in my life anymore. It’s been a give and take situation; I have given more to myself now that I am learning to love myself and heal my inner selves, but in return life took the people that felt needed was necessary in order to evolve.

As I sit at the park I used to come to with my middle school friends every Friday after school, I remember that this journey has not been to only better myself and live a healthier future. This journey has only made it this far for the past versions of myself; the ones that accepted life for what it was and lived life day-by-day unfulfilled. I ask the questions that they always wanted to ask I speak up because they wanted to but was too afraid to do. I challenge my comfort zone and my limits because I once lived a life that I thought I would never do so. I live for them, in all honesty, in hopes to look back in the future and remember that this was my redemption story, and I’ll be who I’ll be because of who I am now.

Two years marks the end of the journey; weight-loss will not be as easy as it has been since having surgery in 2021. I celebrate the end of this journey knowing that the true test is yet to come. I am now entering a new era, a new journey of maintaining this weight loss and continue living my life taking both my physical and mental health. It scares the shit out of me knowing that the weight can come back if I’m not careful, but that’s another story for another blog post. Right now, I am celebrating all the amazing things happening in my life; I am celebrating myself for making it this far and even through the hellish parts of this journey, I am still here. I am still level-handed. I still know the direction I am going in.

And I will keep going in the direction I want to go down.

Happy 2 years, Liz. We’re proud of all of the work you’ve done to make it to this point. Now let’s get out of this park and grab ourselves a summertime drink on the way home.

Overthinking; it’s something that is embedded in my routine without me realizing it. I overthink the smallest things, like how uneven my liquid eyeliner is and how much cat hair is on my dark-colored clothes. I overthink the outfits I put on and how they make my body look; are the clothes too big on me and make me look sloppy? Are they too tight and are emphasizing every bad curve on my body? I overthink to the point where I allow it to consume and eat me alive inside until it completely takes over me.

I’m even overthinking as I write this.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I spend a lot of time in my head; an unhealthy amount of time.

A little over a week ago, my therapist asked me if I was comfortable adjusting our meeting times. She said, “You’ve made so much progress that in my professional opinion, you are ready for biweekly visits instead of weekly.” I agreed because I’ve come to a place where I felt like I didn’t need therapy as much as I did in the past. So when I showed up to our last session with the same anxious thoughts and panic behavior, I felt defeated. How did I allow overthinking to get me to a place where I was now feeling like I needed weekly therapy and anxiety meds again? I know progress is not linear, but for fuck’s sake, it felt like I reverted back to where I was before.

I’m no stranger to saying that I’m in a very weird place in my life; I don’t have the same friend group I had for the last couple of years, my interests are shifting, and I’m feeling uncomfortable in my skin; figuratively, not literally. I feel my soul wanting more, yearning for more, and it’s not because I’m not appreciative of the things I already have in my life.

I learned in therapy years ago that your soul cannot be ignored. Your soul speaks to you in various different ways to let you know you’re not listening to it. It speaks to you in your behavior, the decisions you make, the thoughts you have, and even how you act toward your surroundings. When we try to ignore what our soul is trying to tell us and not go for the things that it wants, that’s when we feel like we’re having this internal battle with ourselves. Who do I listen to? My mind and emotions and thoughts, or do I listen to what my soul is trying to tell me? Getting to this place is the scariest in my opinion, because the outcome of it all usually is losing something you cherish forever, but eventually reflecting back and seeing that had to happen in order for this to happen.

I learned it the first time I went through this, and you would think it would be easy the second or third time around, right?

Heh. I’m terrified.

See, overthinking will allow you to think that having these many occurrences of the same outcome means you failed or you are destined to live in this state of uncertainty. Things are constantly changing in my life; why can’t I just stay in one place and not self-sabotage things? What is it about me that projects this new and confident version of myself that makes the things I love in my life up for question? Am I doing something wrong? Being in this constant state of uncertainty will no doubt have you thinking about every negative thing about yourself and eventually, you fall back into old patterns. You stay silent. You blame it on yourself rather than the external things. You sit it out until you’ve slithered yourself back into your comfort zone and you conclude that it was all in your head. But you fail to realize that every time you do that, you lose a sense of yourself, and your confidence, and you allow that overthinking to take your peace away, hinder your progress, and set you back into old, bad habits.

Let’s be very transparent about something that I’ve dealt with these last couple of months; I still mourn the loss of my friend group that I had during the pandemic and who was very influential in my hobbies and interests at the time. I lost that friend group for many reasons, but the main reason for me was that I had to stand my ground and defend myself when I felt disrespected and when a line was crossed. As much as it hurt me to lose the people who I called my best friends at one point, I needed to put myself first and my feelings first. The “new me” congratulates me on that; she reminds me that there was a time in our life that I would avoid confrontation by simply allowing people to walk all over me and disrespect me just because I was afraid of losing them. But the “unhealed” me, the one that still deals with different forms of social anxiety and wants to please those she loves and emotionally take care of others before taking care of herself, she overanalyzes every little thing that happens and is afraid that the same outcome will happen again and–

“Don’t let it.“

I looked at my therapist when I was going on and on about this fear. “I’m afraid that I’m reverting back to the person I was. As much as I’m trying to practice assertiveness and projecting my self-worth when I feel like I’m not being respected, I feel like when I do that, everything leaves.”

“I know it’s easier said than done, but you are not giving yourself enough credit with just how much progress you’ve made. You are making these changes in your life because of that growth; that voice that keeps telling you to speak up and honor yourself means you are aware enough to know that you deserve people who uplift you and enhance those changes. You challenge these relationships in your life because one way or another, you figured out that they are making you revert.”

Overthinking only happens when my soul is telling me something in my life is not aligning in the way that I thought it was, but don’t let the overthinking consume my being and influence unhealthy self-talk to the point where I lose sight of what I need, what I’m working toward, and what my goals are.

“Keep honoring yourself, Liz. You’re doing what you’re doing because you love yourself enough to know what it is you need and want out of life, and if you ever feel like what you’re going through is familiar or similar to what you went through when you weren’t honoring yourself and are afraid of going back to what that was; don’t let it.”

I won’t let it.

I remember wanting to go to this concert back in 2018 as a graduation gift for myself. At the time, I was really into this duo group, Superfruit, and they were going on a small tour around the U.S. One of the stops was New York City; a 45-minute train ride to the venue separated me from seeing a group I really wanted to hear sing live in concert. Two things: I was unemployed and broke, so I wasn’t able to afford the $25 tickets for the show, and I was deathly afraid to go to a concert on my own. I asked my sibling if they wanted to go, but they weren’t interested in seeing a group they didn’t really know. I didn’t know anyone else that would want to come with me to this concert, so I felt discouraged and ended up not going. I still remember looking at the group’s Snapchat stories and seeing footage of them performing at the NYC show. Major FOMO put me in the saddest mood that night. I told myself that if there was ever an artist or show I wanted to go see in concert, I would prepare and have friends to d it with and blah blah blah; needless to say it was an empty promise. I missed out on a lot of major events because I was just too afraid to go out and do these things on my own.

Hi, my name is Liz and I am now my own “plus one” to shows and events.

It took some experience and rewiring of my brain to finally master the art of being my own company. It’s funny; I had this conversation at work one Monday afternoon with Christine, my former temporary supervisor before my current supervisor came. She expressed to me that she thought it was empowering for me to go out and do things on my own, and I couldn’t have agreed more. You see, I’ve dealt with social anxiety long before I was medically diagnosed with it; I still remember being a senior in college going to a friend’s birthday gathering, and having a full-blown panic attack because I was anxious to the point I couldn’t even get up and use the restroom for 5 hours straight. Mind you, that was in 2016; two years before I sought out therapy and officially got the diagnosis. I always had a hard time existing in a social space, so I avoided them at all costs. As I got older, I started to feel like I was missing out on a lot in life; I was already in my mid-20s when I stopped being a college student and got my first job; needless to say, I’ve been a late bloomer for a lot of things in life. It wasn’t until I was truly socially alone that I started to declare myself as my own “plus one” to things that I wanted to do.

Back in early 2020 (pre-pandemic), I decided to buy tickets to a concert of a group that I was really into at the time. They were going on their first U.S. tour and the last stop was in Brooklyn at The Kings Theatre. I contemplated whether or not I wanted to go; I knew I was going to have to go by myself as I didn’t know anyone else at the time who was into K-pop. I took a chance to go and enjoy myself listening to music that I enjoyed at the time. I went, by myself, and had the best time. In a way, it kickstarted my solo adventures, and to this day I still live off the philosophy that if I want to do something, I am able to do it by myself and still enjoy my own company.

This mission of experiencing life in my own company allowed me to even go on my first solo trip! Before going to Florida in 2020, the only trips I ever went on were with family or with my partner at the time. During this time, I was still learning how to be alone; I was discovering myself in a way that was very new to me, so when I decided that I was traveling on a plane (for the first time ever) to Florida alone, I was conquering and challenging all of the social fears I had. It was one thing to avoid any social space because of my social anxiety, but to face my fears of social spaces and do them on my own was, in Christine’s words, very empowering.

In 2022 when the world decided to “unofficially” open back up, I took advantage of the tours of the acts on my bucket list. In June 2022, I went to see the Game Grumps at the NYC stop of their tour and literally had the best time of my life by myself. They have been a YouTube duo that I’ve been watching for nearly 7 years now, so needless to say it was surreal to finally see these two in-person acting like their complete selves as if they were simply recording another episode of Game Grumps for their YouTube channel.

In October 2022, I went to see Demi Lovato while she was in NYC on her “HOLY FVCK Tour”, and when I say that was possibly the best concert I’ve been to thus far. I’ve been listening to Demi Lovato since her Disney Channel days back in 2008 and needless to say that her vocals are some of the best to come out of that generation of Disney stars. It’s been on my bucket list to hear her sing live in concert one day, and when she released her latest pop-rock-influenced album of the same name, I fell in love with it. It was only right to see her perform some of her new songs and even her pop-rock classics from back in the day and feel like I’m 14 years old again. Something was in the air that night of the concert; it was like everyone was together and having fun; dancing in their seats and singing along to the songs. I sat next to two girls who were clearly friends and even though I did not know them, the three of us danced in our row and just connected through the music that we loved and adored. Again, something that I would’ve missed out on if I was too scared to go to concerts and gatherings on my own.

It’s really my biggest goal when tackling my social anxiety; I want to be able to do things because I want to do them. If going on these solo adventures is what it takes to go and make memories by seeing the artists I admire and enjoy, then that’s exactly what I’m doing. It has taught me to go after the things I want, and speaking of which; tonight I’m going to see NMIXX in Brooklyn for their “Nice to MIXX You” Showcase! It’s funny and very ironic that I am going to the same venue where I saw another JYP girl group, ITZY, a little over 3 years ago! I’m really excited to be going to another K-pop concert on my own! K-pop concerts always give me a little more anxiety due to their nature of them (aka, they can be quite chaotic), but I’m so ready to sing and dance and see another talented group in concert

Oh, and in true Liz fashion: solo. ;D

I remember my temporary therapist asking me to describe myself in the weeks after ending a relationship in my life that made up my identity for the last decade. Well… uhm, I’m a writer. I graduated with my Master’s last year, and… uhm…

Who the hell was I? Was I only a person in other people’s shadows?

I was entering a new environment of people at a job that I got a couple of weeks ago. If I couldn’t even explain to my therapist who the hell I was, then how was I supposed to introduce myself to a group of people at my new job? Now that I reflect back on the time, did I ever truly introduce myself to my coworkers at the bookstore when I first started working there? I love to believe that I eventually was able to introduce myself properly, later on, during the time when I spent so much time on my own that I was finally existing as a standalone person, not just a shadow of someone else.

I was Liz. I was 26 years old and I just started my weight loss surgery journey. I had just gone on my first solo event to a K-pop concert; oh yeah, I was a big fan of K-pop and listened to all the 3rd-gen groups and started to introduce myself to 4th-gen idol groups. I was a K-pop collector; I bought and traded photocards to complete a collection. I was “SikLiz” in a community where people instantly knew my favorite K-pop idol was named Seungsik, and the group I loved the most was Victon. I followed new releases like I was 10 years old again listening to the Top 40 hits of the current week. I was Liz; a person who finally found a sense of identity on my own time.

…

When my therapist asked me to describe myself the other day during our session, I had to take a moment to think of an answer. Well, I work as a college assistant at my old college, I write fictional stories on my blog, I also write pen pal letters to those in the community, and I’m a K-pop fan. I also, uhm…

Who the hell am I?

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m back in my “transitional” era. Phase.

When I talk about a transitional phase, I mean I’m in a space where I’m a little uncertain about who I am. A lot in my life has changed since I last had to ask myself who I was and what defines me as, well, me. It was a lot easier to define myself when I felt like I belonged in a community. I’m no stranger to being a part of a small community of people who shared the same interests and hobbies that also (in a way) defined them. I was a part of the community that lived solely on Twitter for The Killing, a true-crime drama that aired on television from 2011 – 2014. That community came together to fight for another season after the show got canceled after Season 3, in which a couple of months later Netflix picked up the show and gave fans a fourth and final season, closing (and answering) any lingering questions about the overall story and the characters involved. In 2020, I entered a community where I was able to connect with people that shared the same interest in Kpop and its collection aspect of it. Shortly after, I was introduced to the pen pal community, which not only gave me a creative outlet for crafting, but it allowed me to talk to new people in a low-stakes matter in ways I wouldn’t normally if done in person.

I don’t very much feel like I belong in any community right now. It doesn’t bother me that I feel that way but it has made me realize that for me, a huge element of identity comes from feeling like I fit in or belong to a community with an already established identity.

The problem with that is that being a part of a community is a temporary moment in life. You find the community when you’re interested in a particular thing, but it’s normal to leave it once you’re not interested in that particular thing anymore. Our interests and hobbies are constantly changing, and I’m realizing that I’ve allowed these communities to create this identity for me; I solely didn’t exist outside of these communities, so it’s been hard for me to stay true to myself as I transition out of these communities and discover my identity without any influence or belief that external things identify me.

I’m still trying to figure things out and I know that even this phase of my life will most likely change in the future as I get older. The thing about transitional phases is that they are constantly happening. You graduate college and have to figure out who you are outside of being a student after being one for the first 22 years of your life. You turn 26 and realize you are now closer to 30 than 20 and have to figure out what career path you desire to follow, where you want to take your social and romantic relationships, and pretty much have to decide where you want to be by the time you hit the next major milestone in your life. A lot of being in a transitional phase means that you start realizing the things that make up your identity are the intangible things; the things that you’re interested in and your hobbies are just the “DLC” to your identity.

So, hi! My name is Elizabeth, but I prefer to be called Liz because I feel like I identify as “Liz” more than my actual first name. I am experimental, but only because I now have the confidence to try things I was too afraid to try in the past. I am festive and colorful; my style is influenced by colors and patterns that were popular in the late 90s and early 2000s. My style has also been influenced by K-pop fashion, as I am a very avid K-pop listener and casual K-Pop collector. So yes, you will see me rocking platform Converse sneakers because every K-pop idol in every group has had them on at one point in their careers and I love them.

I very much embody self-love, even if people tend to see it as me being selfish. I am selfish, but I am selfish with myself. I am an empath, yet an assertive person; I listen and put myself in other people’s shoes in situations that I may not understand at first, but I will be honest and open about things if I feel like I am being talked down at or if I am not getting the same level of respect I give to people. I am loyal to my morals and beliefs, but I do not judge anyone else for contradicting ones to my own. I have social anxiety, but not the kind that is afraid of people or social gatherings; it’s the social anxiety of specific social situations like fearing what other people think of me because of my lack of social skills and how I come across when interacting with people. I also will say that a part of my social anxiety is that I avoid a lot of social situations due to my fear of confrontation and for the worst-case scenarios to happen.

On a lighter note, I am a writer. I feel like my words are the most coherent and impactful when they are written down in the form of a short poem on my phone, a blog post exposing myself in ways that I wouldn’t verbalize, in letters to pen pals, and in the form of original characters that have been created in my imagination. When everything else in my life has changed, writing has always been something that was an interest and hobby that was solely mine. I studied creative writing and writing studies when I was in school and became a first-time published scholar two years ago when I wrote an academic article about the importance of expressive writing in college classrooms.

I am self-aware, and I am constantly finding ways to better my mental and physical health as I realize by doing so, self-love and self-confidence begin to come to play. I realize that I do very much like the person I am, and I’m only trying to live my life as contact as possible because I know just how fast time flies as I get older. I am not perfect, and I know that I am still very much flawed and that I don’t make the best decisions because of those flaws. I’m growing and accepting the path of life I am currently on, and I am always wanting to learn whether it’s a new interest developing, going through a life lesson, or if it’s something that I never really knew about myself.

As long as I remember the things that truly make up me as a person, any transitional phase of life I’ll go through will be okay; it’s just another sequel of the book series waiting to be written.

I am currently writing it.

New World! Hi! We are Victon!

It was my 26th birthday, and I, unfortunately, had to go to work that day. The bus to the bookstore was pretty empty since we were currently in between our main semesters. I was listening to the few Victon songs I had on my daily playlist; songs I found through being a fan of Seungwoo’s in x1 and wanted to know more about the group he previously was in.

Victon.

Hi, my name is Liz, and my ult K-pop group, Victon, has “unofficially” disbanded.

Following the disbandment of my first ult K-pop group, X1, I found comfort in Victon during a time when I was going through a lot not only in my K-pop life but in my personal life as well. I was in a transitional period of my life, discovering the things that felt like the most authentic version of myself and understanding myself in ways that I didn’t before now that I was alone. It wasn’t a slow liking to Victon; as a matter of fact, I believe they became my top group within the month I first started to look into them. I slowly collected their albums every time I got a paycheck from my job, and slowly became a K-pop collector; Victon to be exact.

Because I was now into collecting Victon’s albums and photocards, I made the next step to put myself out in the K-pop community. I made an account for solely my K-pop-related things since I was still in this mindset that I felt some level of shame in being so heavily into K-pop at my age. To my surprise, I joined a community that I belonged in; many of us are in different age ranges like the music genre that truly doesn’t have any age limit attached to it.

I met people that I was glad to call my closest friends at this point. Through our liking of Victon, I was able to connect with people in a way that I never would connect with due to distance. I made friends from across the country, in different states, and in different countries around the world. I made connections with people that I never thought I was able to connect with due to my social anxiety, so it was a bittersweet feeling to call some of my closest friends at the time my best friends, and for the first time I had best friends that shared some of the same interests as me.

Because of Victon, I was able to move into a chapter in my life that was well-needed after closing one months earlier. I was able to learn new things about people and the environment that consisted within the community. I was now in group chats with other collectors who were looking for other trades and sales to collect their biases in a specific group. I met my best friend at the time in one of those group chats. I heavily discussed the future of Victon and the members and everything that had to do with Victon with my friends in the community. I was even one of the top Seungsik collectors in the community at the height of Victon’s success in 2020 because of the friendships I had with people in the fandom. I am no stranger to being a part of a fandom, but this one felt different. This one felt like at the time, this was who I was. I was given the nickname “SikLiz” in a community that what felt like had 5,000 other Lizes in the community. I discovered a lot about myself because of how much I loved Victon, and it was something that I carried for the last three years being in this community of collectors and fans of a group that really was just a speck within the K-pop industry.

They were never a big group. They came as the second act in a company that had a successful 2nd-generation girl group. They came on the scene during a time when K-pop was still a domestic genre of music. BTS had just started to break ground in the United States, and any new groups that were getting attention were because of the fascination (and belief) that K-pop groups that debut through a survival show were guaranteed success. During Victon’s rookie days, groups like IOI and Wanna One were the popular groups, aside from other 3rd generation groups like TWICE, Red Velvet, EXO, etc. Because Victon came from a small agency, it was unlikely that the group would get the exposure they needed to stay together, and in 2018 the group was actually in the talks of disbandment. It wasn’t until Seungwoo and Byungchan took a chance on a K-pop survival show to gain exposure and a possible second chance. It wasn’t guaranteed, but they both took the chance, which then gave them exposure to the group they were originally a part of. Even with Seungwoo being in the debut project group, X1, Victon as a group was able to make a comeback the following months after the survival show and land their first-ever music show win in three years. In hindsight, Victon were the real winners of that survival show; they successfully were getting recognized for not only their talent but their indescribable chemistry with one another. Anyone who looked into the group could catch onto that quickly; they were more than just members of a group. They were brothers. Being some of the first trainees under the small agency, the boys truly went through everything together, so watching them interact with each other in their live streams and variety shows was almost like watching family. Even when all the odds were against them, they made it together.

That same philosophy applied to our fandom, ALICE. People all over the world respected and cared for each other just because they shared an interest in the group they like and wanted what was best for the boys as much as you did. Some ALICE became friends outside of the community, learning who we were as people and what we were outside of this community. I will always be grateful for the two friends I had in this community because of that. We all shared a love for a group that meant something different to all of us. We all discovered Victon during a time when it was easy to isolate due to the pandemic keeping everyone at home for months on end. We all found each other and confined in each other at one point in our lives. Even if things are not how they used to be, I will always cherish those two friends for being a part of a chapter that kickstarted a lot of what I am today and what I believe in. These friendships weren’t always the happiest and the greatest, but when they were good they were amazing, and they truly added something to my life that I didn’t have in a long time. Even after going our separate ways, I will always thank them for being a part of my life when they were, and that we all came together without even knowing it because of Victon.

Because of Victon, I was able to find and embrace my identity. I stopped being ashamed of liking a music genre that wasn’t common here in the US, especially for people who were in their mid-twenties like me. I was able to embrace things that I normally would nitpick and second guess because they weren’t “normal” and “typical”. I was able to find an appreciation for myself once I was able to firmly tell a new group of people who I was without feeling like I was living in someone else’s shadow. Because of my love for Victon, I was able to move forward on my journey of life, learning how to fearlessly enjoy the things that make me happy, reach out and challenge my social anxiety, and make memories with old friends that you never thought you’d ever meet because of the distance.

I am who I am today due to Victon being a big part of my life, and I will forever cherish this chapter in my life.

Victon, thank you for fighting through the obstacles these last six years and always showing up for ALICE when we needed comfort. Thank you for showing us what a chosen family looked like; many of us have chosen ours through the community because of the chosen family you seven made as Victon. We can only imagine the conversations that were had and the ups and downs that each member endured behind closed doors and in their dorm. We can only imagine how difficult it was to have these conversations about the future and how you wanted to enter your 30s and what you wanted to accomplish by the time it was time to do your mandatory military service. We can only imagine the sides of Victon you didn’t want us to see because as much as we wanted to protect you, you also wanted to protect ALICE.

Thank you for all the hard work you all did while being in Victon; even if you don’t think that you’ve made a difference in people’s lives. You did, even if you may never know each and every ALICE that you did help out in their time of need or at their darkest times. You guys have done an amazing job bringing together a community of people that possibly would have never known each other. Even if you are going your separate ways to pursue different dreams and walk on different paths, we will always follow you guys wherever you guys go! Acting, solo work, or even something outside of the limelight; ALICE will be cheering you on, I mean it’s in our name: Always We Love the Voice.

Thank you, Victon, for being such a major part of my life when you were. Victon fighting! ❤