Author: liz

I took a deep breath before looking through the stage curtain toward the audience. The shimmery, gold dress I was wearing moved with every nervous tick my body ejected. The other dancers back stage were running frantically into their spots, possibly just as nervous to dance for the prize of a dream scholarship to Julliard. I peeked one last time before the stage crew directed us into our spots, giving us numbers in the order we dance on stage. I took a deep breath, telling myself that this was just another dance show that I did without my family or friends in the crowd. There was nothing new or different about this time around until I got up on stage to do my dance routine. After letting out a deep breath and opening my eyes as the music started, I saw her. Out there. In the crowd.

At 17 years old, this would be the first time my mother ever saw me dance at a show.

…

I haven’t felt this anxious in my life before, and that is being said by someone that just wrapped up a whole production in a foreign country for a year. Maybe the anxiety is hitting harder because this is something I can’t control; I don’t know the music, I don’t know the choreography, and I’m simply watching it in real time just like everyone else there.

I have to had opened every single suitcase that laid on my living room floor, trying to find this one dress I brought during my time in Ulsan. I knew that I packed it up manically with everything else in my room, but I couldn’t find it for the life of me. I start getting nervous now, thinking that I’m wasting time as it passes. I can’t be late for this; I promised I would make it and—

“Is this what you’re looking for?” I hear from behind. I quickly turned around and see Jamie standing there, holding the dress I was looking for. I let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh my god,” I walked up to Jamie as he handed me the dress. “Where the hell did you find it?”

“Hanging up on the closet door; the same place you left it last night,” Jamie mentioned. “What’s all the jitters about?” I looked at Jamie, immediately giving him the death stare.

“I’m jet lagged, and I promised my 5-year old daughter that I would be there for her winter recital,” I responded, walking back towards the bedroom. I hear Jamie follow behind me.

“And you’ll get there on time,” Jamie reassured as he watched me run around the room in a frenzy. “And Willow will see you in the audience rooting her on.” I looked back at Jamie, and he smiled as a response. I appreciate that Jamie was the optimistic one between the both of us, as it helps give me some hope that maybe every wrong scenario playing in my head won’t actually happen.

“How are you so positive?” I slightly teased, trying to grab a pair of shoes from the top shelf of my closet. Jamie laughed, walking into the room now towards me. He reaches up to get the shoes for me once he sees how much I’m struggling to get them on my own. I turned around and looked at him as he hovered the shoe box over my head.

“You have to believe that everything is going to work out if you put your mind to it,” Jamie answered as he looked at me. It was crazy to think that nearly 48 hours, Jamie was casually sitting in our spot in the cafe, as if it was normal for him to even be in New York. At first, it seemed surreal as if it was some sick joke or something. But it wasn’t. He was there, sipping on an iced americano in the middle of winter, smiling at me as I looked at him.

Before I was able to say anything, he gently kissed me on my forehead before placing the shoe box on the bed. I called out for him before he had the chance to leave the room.

“Jamie?” I said. He turned around; his full attention was now on me. “Thanks.”

“Of course,” Jamie began to say. “You weren’t going to reach that shoe box anyway—”

“Not because of the shoes!’ I said out loud, laughing at Jamie. “For being here for me.” He smiled before he said anything.

“Being here for you means spending more time with you, which in my case is a very selfish thing,” Jamie teased. I walked up to him to playfully hit him on the arm as he laughed. The closer I got to him, he immediately grabbed me by the waist, bringing me even closer. “I’m glad to be here with you.” This time, I was the one that kissed Jamie first, instantly feeling all the nerves escape from my body.

It wasn’t long after that I heard my phone ring on my vanity. The loud ringtone made both Jamie and I turn around towards the phone, caught completely off-guard. I rant to go and grab it, answering it almost immediately.

“Is Willow okay? Is she nervous? Oh my god, is she crying because she’s nervous?” I frantically asked, not even greeting Max over the phone. I turned around towards Jamie, who is now guiding me to take deep breaths for my own nerves.

“She’s fine, Grace,” Max responds over the phone. “I’m just calling to ask if you got the tickets I emailed you.” My eyes widen, immediately turning around to face Jamie.

“Do we have the tickets?” I asked in a panic. Jamie pointed towards the small table near the doorway where two pieces of paper are currently on. I shut my eyes and let out a sigh of relief.

“Are you going to be okay for tonight’s show?” Max asked, probably sensing the anxiety through the phone. “You know she will understand if you can’t make it tonight–“

“I’m going to be fine,” I said in a stern tone. “I’m just trying to get everything together while trying to adjust back to New York time zones and shit.” I glanced over to Jamie, who now seems to look worried. I took a deep breath before saying anything else. “Jamie and I will be there; we’re going to take the Metro-North and meet you guys at the place.” I hung up the phone once we said our goodbyes. I looked at Jamie, sighing.

“Ya,” Jamie said as he walked over to me. He placed his hands on my shoulders, trying to relax them. “What are you really nervous about, jagiya?”

“I don’t know,” I honestly answered, feeling frustrated. “It’s like my mind and body are in catastrophic mode, waiting for something to go completely wrong.”

“But what can possibly go wrong going to Willow’s recital?” He asked once more.

“Do you really want me to go through the list of things that can potentially go wrong?” I said, folding my arms across my chest. “Because there’s a lot.”

“Yeah, but it’s something about this show that’s making you jittery and anxious,” Jamie explained. “Normally, these things don’t get to you.” I looked at Jamie as he spoke, taking in his words that somehow always reigned true. Jamie had this thing that made it so easy to talk to him, even when I didn’t even know why I was feeling the things I was feeling.

“This is my first time seeing Willow dance,” I admitted. Willow began to dance while I was in Ulsan, which meant every performance or showcase her class had I couldn’t attend. It would kill me inside hearing Max tell me that Willow had another show; another dance I couldn’t see because of the distance. It made me uncomfortable; I felt like I was living my mom’s life during her 30s and only hearing about her daughter through the mouths of other people. “This is a big deal for me.”

“I know,” Jamie nodded as he said. I knew Jamie understood. I knew Jamie understood that it was more than just nerves regarding whether or not Willow will dance well. “And this is probably a big deal for Willow too; her mom being there.”

“What if I distract her or if I disappoint her, or–” I began going through the various scenarios in my head, psyching myself out even more than I was already. Of course, Jamie had to grab me by the arms to calm down.

“Jagiya, breathe,” Jamie said as he smiled at me. “You know none of that is going to happen–“

“I don’t know what it’s like to be the parent in the audience watching their kid perform, Jamie,” I spat out, looking at him directly in the eye. “Like, all these other parents in the crowd probably watched their kid rehearse their dance a million times before the show today, helped them get dressed into their costume; did their hair, took pictures of them before heading to the venue.”

“And? Not every parent there today did that with their child,” Jamie tried to reason with me. “Some genuinely are going to see their kid perform, go out to eat with them, and then going their separate ways because that’s just how things go.”

“But I’m her mom,” I further argued. “Her mom that is a dancer. I should be the one with her doing all of these dance things with and–“

“Willow isn’t going to care about all of that,” Jamie quickly jumped in to say. “The only thing she is going to care about is the fact that she sees you in that audience, watching her dance.”

“But–” I began to argue back, but it was like Jamie already knew it was coming.

“No,” Jamie interrupted me. “The simple fact that that you are going to her show is more than enough, Grace.” I looked at Jamie, listening to his words. I had to trust him and believe that everything will be alright, and all that Willow wanted from me to be at her show, as her mom. I smiled at Jamie, finally taking a deep breath before we both left the apartment.

…

Jamie and I were never great at catching the subway; we somehow always missed it at the last minute. By the time we made it to the Metro-North, we were running across platforms to make it before the doors closed. Thankfully we made it, and we quickly walked through the aisles to find a vacant seat in the cart. We sat down, catching our breaths as we looked at each other. Jamie smiles as he does, taking my hand into his as he leaned his head back onto the seat. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else besides him right now.

I looked out the window as the day was turning into the evening. The jet lag must’ve finally set in for Jamie since he passed out within the first 10 minutes of the train ride. It was nice to see Jamie so peaceful; it seems like the last couple of months have been nothing but exhausting for the both of us, and for him to finally let that go in a 45 minute train ride to Yonkers was… cute. Safe. A home-like feeling.

I don’t know what the future holds in store for Jamie and I. Sure, we’ve come to a mutual agreement that we knew we wanted to be in each other lives, but we also both knew that the last time we tried doing this, it ended in heartbreak. We want to do things right; I want to do things right this time. No rushing, no worries; just simply loving the person you’re supposed to love.

For now, I think about Willow and her future. What if she wants to do dance as a career when she grows up? Will she make decisions based on what she grew up around? Will she grow up to resent me for my decisions as she gets older, the same way I did with my own mom? I was excited for Willow to now be at the age where she’s showing interest in different things; she reminds me a lot of how adventurous and curious I was with life. It still worries me how much I can see myself in Willow, not knowing if the bad parts will make their way to her as she gets older.

Before I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole of thought, the train announcer speaks, letting the passengers know that the next stop on is about 5 minutes away. I gently nudged Jamie to wake him up, smiling as he turned his head over and opened his eyes. He immediately smiled back when he saw me.

…

The venue was pretty big for a children’s dance recital. I remember my first recital being held in a school lunchroom; oddly enough there was a stage at the end of the space that my dance academy used to rent out for their shows. Then again, that was nearly over 20 something years ago, and this is isn’t the middle of some town in Virginia. The other parents walk around the lobby, looking at all of the pictures that the academy hung up of their dancers.

“Jagiya,” I hear Jamie call out. I turned around to see Jamie pointing at one of the pictures as I waked over to him. “I think I found little bean.” I looked at the picture and nearly had to hold my tears back. It was Willow in a ballet tutu, smiling big with her curly hair tied back in a bun. Her eyes were blue and bright; light lived behind her eyes. I couldn’t deny that as she got older, I started to see how much she looked like me as a kid.

“I guess she’s not a little bean anymore,” Jamie said, rubbing my shoulder with his hand. I simply nodded, taking a picture of the photo on the wall with my phone. Time is a thing we totally take for granted, especially when it came to children. “She’s, like a sprout now.”

“A sprout?” I repeated, laughing at Jamie’s comment.

“Yeah,” Jamie said, trying to further explain himself. “Like, she’s not this tiny little bean anymore in the baby stroller; but she’s also not grown up like a tree just yet. She’s just the sprout.” I couldn’t help but smile at Jamie; his analogy sounds ridiculous, but I knew exactly what he meant by it. It wasn’t long after that I heard another familiar voice call out my name; I quickly turned around to see Max and his wife walk over our way.

“Hi!” Max’s wife, Mariam, greets us. She immediately goes in for a hug, which took me off-guard at first. “It’s so great to see you!”

“Hi,” I politely said back to Mariam. I looked at Max and waved. “Hi, Max.”

“I’m glad you were able to make it,” Max said, looking at me before looking at Jamie. “It’s good to see you again, man.”

“You too,” Jamie said, slightly bowing out of politeness. It was nice to see Max and Jamie being cordial to one another considering where we were a couple of years ago. I cleared my throat before I spoke as I looked in Mariam’s direction.

“Mariam, this is–” I said as I turned around and faced Jamie. My mind went completely blank, not knowing if it was okay to introduce him in the way I intended to. Was it too soon? We barely even had time to discuss things. It was the way that Jamie looked back at me that solidified things. Grace, you both know the truth. “This is my boyfriend, Jamie. Jamie; this is Max’s wife, Mariam.”

“Ah! Jamie!” Mariam said as she shook his hand. “Willow has said so much about you, but thought she had a friend at school named Jamie–“

“Oh,” Jamie said, surprised. “I’m surprised she even remembers me; I knew her when she was just–“

“A little bean,” I said, looking at Jamie. He smiled at my answer. “She’s always asking about you,” I whispered to Jamie. We both looked back at Mariam.

“She’ll be so happy that you’re here with Grace,” Mariam said to Jamie. I quickly looked at Max as he has his arm wrapped around Mariam’s shoulder. I quickly smiled at him, happy that after everything we went through in the last decade worked out in the best way possible for the both of us. We are both ended up getting exactly what we needed.

“Well, we should go and find our seats,” Max intervened. “We’ll meet back here once the show’s over for dinner with Willow.” I nodded my head as they waved goodbye at us. I turned around toward Jamie once they were out of sight.

“Does Willow really ask about me?” Jamie asked. It was cute to see Jamie get flustered about Willow remembering him. I knew it meant a lot to him as they cared a special bond when she was a baby. I nodded my head, putting my hand into his as we walked toward the auditorium together.

…

The room went silent when the lights dimmed low and a spotlight appeared in the middle of the stage. Willow’s dance teacher comes out from behind the curtain as the audience clapped their hands.

“Good evening, everyone. I’m Ms. Chloe, director and main choreographer of the Movement Mosaics Dance Academy. Thank you all for coming out here to support this amazing group of dancers; they worked so hard and diligently to put together a performance for you all tonight.” The audience continued to clap as the director cleared her throat. “Without further ado, I present to you this year’s Holiday recital, ‘Baby, Let’s Dance Outside’.” The curtains opened to a literal winter wonderland setting. The dancers were already in position, pretending to play with fallen snow on the ground. The music began and the dancers got into position, beginning their dance routine.

I couldn’t help but smile wide as soon as Willow ran onto the stage when her number was up. She was in the middle, dancing with a huge smile on her face. Willow definitely stood out from the other dancers; not because I was simply just looking at her, but she danced extremely well for her age group. Willow wasn’t just dancing because she was in a recital. She was dancing like a professional. Her technique was spot on; never missing a beat and paying attention to every detail of the routine.

“She’s dancing like you up there,” Jamie whispered to me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her to respond. She was mesmerizing to watch. It was like she was naturally born with this talent. I wonder if this is what mom felt like the first time she saw me dance on stage.

It wasn’t long after that Willow’s eyes searched the crowd as she danced, looking for the people she knew. Once she was able to see me sitting in the crowd watching her dance, her face lit up. She smiled, nearly almost having to hold herself back from excitedly waving at me. She continued to dance, hitting every step of her dance.

I couldn’t help but get a little bit emotional in that moment. I guess Jamie had glanced over in my direction, and put his arm around me when he did. I continued to watch Willow dance; my eyes were glued onto her every step of the way.

“You did it, Grace,” I thought to myself, wiping the tears fallen down my cheeks. “You were able to rewrite history.”

-Fin-

“Hey, Grace,” Jamie said. He looked into my room, nodding his head towards the scattered suitcases on the ground. “Need some help in getting your things together?” I turned around to look at the suitcases before turning back to face Jamie. I rolled my eyes as he giggled.

“You swear you got jokes,” I said, letting him in before closing the door behind us.

“Nope; I got coffee though,” Jamie said, handing me one of the cups in his hands.

“Thanks,” I said as I sipped the coffee. He always knew how to get my coffee order right. “As you can see, I need all the coffee I can get my hands on to tackle this huge task of packing.”

“Did you come here with all of these suitcases?” He asked as he walked around the opened ones on the ground to sit at the small table in the room.

“I’ve lived here for a year; of course I accumulated all of this shit within the last year,” I said, struggling as I moved suitcases around to give myself a path to walk. Jamie couldn’t help himself and laughed. “What?!”

“Nothing, nothing,” Jamie said as he got up from his seat to lift the suitcase for me, placing it on an empty spot on the bed. “It just gives me flashbacks on traveling back home with way too many bags; some in which I didn’t even knew I had coming back with me.”

“Next time I take a trip this long, I’m wearing the same five outfits for the entirety of it,” I said before zipping up one of the full suitcases, letting out a deep breath and flipping my hair away from my face. “But enough about me; how have you been?”

“I’ve been okay,” he began to say. “I wanted to stop by and check on you and see how you’ve been doing.” I looked at Jamie, feeling a little uneasy that he would be so open in checking on me after that disastrous night.

“I really must apologize on Sky’s behalf,” I sighed, sitting on top of one of the closed suitcases now. “Ironically, I was on the phone with her before you got here.”

“Oh,” Jamie responded, seemingly shocked. “How did that go?”

“Better than I thought it would,” I said, recalling the conversation. “But regardless of Sky and I, I’m sorry that you had to be involved in that, especially since you were there with… yeah.”

“Yeah,” he said with the a closed, tight smile. “But, I’m glad you guys made up. You’re family at the end of the day.” I went back to putting more things in suitcases as Jamie watched; there was a slight tension in the air when we both went silent. Maybe we both just wanted to get off of the topic of that night. He cleared his throat, indicating the start of a new conversation. “Are you excited about the closing show?”

“I’m more nervous than excited,” I admitted, folding clothes as I spoke. “I need this solo to be as perfect as I am imagining it to be, and it’s just nerve wrecking considering that this is the last show of such a prestigious production. Typically, it’s the most important dance show since it’s the closing of a production.”

“It makes sense, but you know you’re going to be great,” Jamie reassured. I rolled my eyes, a little tired of hearing people say that to me.

“But what if I’m not as great as everyone thinks I’ll be?” I questioned. “What if everyone is anticipating this breathtaking solo from me, and when it happens they’re disappointed?”

“First of all, you’re not supposed to be doing this for anyone else besides yourself,” Jamie said in a stern voice. “The moment you start doing things for other people, you stop doing it for yourself. This is a piece that you created and that you are dancing, so at the end of the day you should only be doing the best you possibly can for yourself.” I crossed my arms along my chest, hating the fact that Jamie’s logic was somewhat correct. Of course he’s right, it’s Jamie.

“How do you do that?” I asked.

“Do what?” He followed up, seeming confused.

“Know just what to say in every situation I throw at you?” I said. “I feel like for as long as I’ve known you, you just always knew what to say in every situation.” I quickly noticed Jamie’s face getting red. I didn’t mean to make him feel uncomfortable; I was simply just speaking my mind. He cleared his throat before he spoke.

“I think we’ve just known each other for so long by now,” he began to explain. I looked at him, nodding my head.

“Five years,” I said. “We met each other in that cafe five years ago.” Jamie smiled as I recalled the day that we first met. “It feels like it was an eternity ago; shit, I was a lawyer!”

“You were,” Jamie laughed as he said. “Buried in your paperwork with Little Bean in the stroller. I know she’s not so little anymore.”

“She has her first dance recital on Sunday,” I mentioned. “I promised her I would make it to her show.” Jamie smiled as I spoke about Willow. When she was a baby, she loved being in Jamie’s company. I don’t believe she’ll remember him now, but it was nice to know that at the time, someone cared about my daughter as much as that they did me.

“Well, if she’s anything like her mom, I know she’ll be the star of the show.” I smiled at Jamie’s comment. He always knew what to say; never fails. “You must be happy to be going home.”

“I’m ready for some normalcy in my life again,” I reflected, now sitting in the chair across from Jamie at the table, sipping on my coffee. “There’s a lot I have to do before I get there, but when I do, I hope I could live somewhat of a quiet, normal life again. Possibly run the academy again, see Willow for more weekends now that she’s older, spend time with my family.” Jamie nodded his head as I spoke, but I couldn’t help but ask him the same question. “You must’ve felt the same way when you first came back to Korea from New York.” Jamie rubbed the nape of his neck, reacting opposite to my statement.

“It was… different,” he admitted, looking at me now. “I couldn’t get that feeling back again; that feeling of normalcy. By that time, normalcy to me meant feeling at home, or comfortable enough to be content in the mundane tasks of life. That feeling never came back again.” I raised my eyebrows, shocked hearing this for the first time. I can’t imagine to go to a place that is supposed to be home, but never feels like it again because somehow, home was now a different place.

Or, maybe I can imagine it.

“You never felt that again being back here? Even after spending only four months in New York?” I asked.

“The first time I didn’t believe it was what I thought it was,” Jamie began to explain. “The second time I was there, not on business or anything that forced me to be placed back in New York, was when I felt that feeling.” I looked at Jamie as he spoke, listening to what seemed like a confession about his thoughts on New York. It started to make sense now. It started to click together like a puzzle. New York became home for Jamie; his normalcy came when he came back to New York to be with me.

“Would you ever go back to New York?” I asked. “It seems like the city holds a special place in your heart.”

“It does,” Jamie began to say. He paused before he continued, gathering his thoughts to be converted into words. “But I don’t know if I can let that decide whether or not I do.” I can’t lie; hearing Jamie say it stung a little. I didn’t understand why my body reacted that way, but maybe it was telling me something that I refused to entertain since being here in Korea, in contact with him. I can’t hold onto the past hoping that same feeling will be present. So much more is against us rather than helping us in this case.

I can’t do this to myself, and I can’t do this to Jamie. We both deserve some normalcy in our lives in whatever way that may look for us individually. I sighed before I spoke.

“Well, if you decide to ever make a trip to New York just for the cafe coffee; you know where to find me. Once you’ve had Bernie’s coffee, no coffee can ever compare,” I said jokingly, trying to light up the mood. Jamie smiled and laughed as he leaned back in his chair.

“Noted,” he simply said. I smiled, getting up from my seat and into my dance bag to grab something. I walked back with a piece of paper in my hand, handing it over to Jamie. He seemed confused in what I was giving him. “What’s this?”

“A ticket to tomorrow night’s closing show,” I said, smiling. “The production gives us complimentary tickets for friends and family that fly out to see the last show, or like a business partner of some sort. My mom is in town so I gave her one, but the only other person I know in this city in Korea is you.” Jamie looked down at the ticket, reading it. “Of course, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to; I totally understand if it’s inappropriate to invite you to something like this.”

“I’ll see if I can make it,” Jamie looked up and said, smiling at me. “You know where to find me if I do.” I smiled at Jamie’s cheesy statement; he also smiled as if he knew what he said was cringe. The alarm on my phone goes off, which means the next task I have to do is starting soon.

“Sorry to cut this hangout short, but I have one more dress rehearsal to get to before tomorrow’s show,” I said, getting up from my seat. Jamie mimics me as he walks with me to the front door. I opened the door for him as he walked out. He turned around to face me before saying goodbye. I had this weird feeling that this was truly a final goodbye, and I wasn’t sure how to handle this being the last time I got to speak to Jamie.

“Jamie,” I said before he completely turned away from me. He turned back, now facing me in between the doorframe. “Thank you for… everything. I know things weren’t always great between us, but no matter what we’ve went through you always managed to make sure I was alright, even when you had every right to just walk away.” I smiled at him, remembering the last 5 years with Jamie in the last 5 minutes of our conversation. “Thank you for always making me feel like I was right at home.”

“Thank you for being open enough to let me into that home,” Jamie responded. “And, for showing me that home was much more than a singular place you live in.” I smiled at him, trying to hold back tears. It has always been Jamie. Before I lost myself in thought, I cleared my throat.

“If you’re ever visiting New York, you know where to find me,” I said. Jamie didn’t say anything back, and for a moment I was anxious to know why he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t want to come back to New York. Maybe this was just as much as a final goodbye for him than it is for me.

I didn’t want it to be, and maybe he didn’t either. But, what were we to do? We spent years trying to make things work out, despite the universe pulling us in all different directions. He tried so hard to be together, and yet life had other plans for the both of us. Life had a funny way in telling us what it really wanted for the both of us.

Suddenly, Jamie gently placed his hands on my chin, lifting it slightly to meet with his lips. He kissed me, and I kissed him back; the electric current in our bodies plays the last 5 minutes over within these 5 seconds that we are kissing. Is it bad to say that I wish I was able to live these 5 minutes over and over for the rest of my life?

We slowly pulled away from each other, looking at each other straight in the eyes. This was truly it for us. I cleared my throat, fidgeting in place as Jamie readjusted himself, finally waving goodbye to me as he walked away. This one hurt more than all of the others, only because there was nothing more to hope for, to wish for, or to anticipate ever happening.

…

I looked out behind the curtain towards the audience one last time before our last show started. I immediately snapped out of thought when I felt Aimee and Maurice run up behind me, hugging me tightly.

“Guys! No, don’t do this,” I turned around, trying to hold back tears. “I just got this makeup done and I need it to at least last by act two.” I smiled as I spoke.

“Oh please, I had to touch up my mascara like 3 times already because of the tears,” Aimee began to say. “I can’t believe this is our last show together.”

“Don’t say that,” I reassured her, grabbing her by the shoulders. “Right, Maurice? We are going to be the next trio to take over the dance world!” Maurice smiled, also trying to comfort Aimee.

“Grace is right, we will be dancing together way before you know it,” he added, fixing Aimee’s hair. I took my thumb and wiped some of the smudged makeup underneath Aimee’s eyes. I could feel my eyes get watery.

“We have our future ahead of us, Aimee; this is just the beginning.” I smiled before I pulled her and Maurice into a hug. Aimee and Maurice will always hold a special place in my heart, as they were there to pick up the pieces when I had no one else to during our hours-long rehearsals leading to this exact moment.

“Alright, first number get into position!” Sonia shouts as she walks across the back of the stage. Aimee and Maurice run into position, being the professionals they truly are. I see Sahim at the other end of the stage with the rest of the tech crew. He quickly looks in my direction and smiles. I smile back before Sonia taps me on the shoulder. I quickly turned around to face her.

“You’re ready for your solo?” Sonia asked me. I let out a deep breath, which she knew exactly what I was going through. “You’re going to do great, kid. Just do what you do best out there and dance.”

“Thanks, Sonia,” I smiled. She returned it back before pointing toward the curtain of the stage.

“Mollie is a couple of rows in; close enough to see the show but far enough so you don’t see her while you’re dancing. I learned that the hard way in my own first production.” I laughed at Sonia, appreciating the concern. She smiled and quickly walked away, gathering the other dancers into place. I walked over to the side of the stage, watching the curtains open to start the very last show of the production.

My dad wasn’t home when I found the box my mom left me for my 18th birthday. It held pictures of us when I was a baby, and a picture frame that had a hidden letter inside of it. I read the letter, and saw that next to the picture frame was a simple USB stick with a gold, rhinestone star stuck on the end of it. I was a curious 17 year old, getting ready to move her life away from the rural Virginia home I grew up in to a small dorm room in New York City. I ran back to my room and plugged the USB stick to my laptop, nervous to see what could possibly be on this thing. One singular file pops up; a video. I scrolled the mouse over to the video and clicked it, not knowing what will be revealed once I hit play. The black screen disappears, and a stage is shown. The camera turns away from the stage to show my dad holding me as a baby. He points the camera towards the stage when the announcer introduces my mother onto the stage. She walks on the stage in a shimmery, golden dress. She starts dancing once the music plays, and occasionally the camera turns to face my dad and I. I was mesmerized toward the stage, watching my mother dance. I couldn’t get my eyes off of the stage, as my dad said to the camera pointed at me. Once my mother finished her dance, my little self cooed, cheering her on in the only way I knew as a little baby. My mother walked off the stage and immediately came over to us, taking me into her arms once she got to us. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek. Happy. We were both happy, all because of dance.

A couple of numbers passed by, and I was now getting ready to finally step on the stage for my first number of the night. I looked into the vanity mirror, in this hair and makeup and costume for one last time, thinking about the journey I’ve been on up until to this point. It feels like it was centuries ago when I was working on my first trial case as a lawyer, sitting in that cafe with a 5-month-old Willow, sitting in her stroller. I remember sitting in that cafe for many days and nights, once by myself and the rest with another lawyer in New York here on a business trip. Jamie.

I remember the places around the city I went with Jamie. Rockefeller Center during the holidays. Walks through Central Park during my lunch breaks. Visiting all of the museums that peaked his interest, and hearing him ramble on about the different topics of each room within those museums. Being kissed in the rain in the middle of the night under all of the lights in Times Square. There’s no doubt that New York is my home; I was meant to live the rest of my life there when I was first introduced to the city at 17. But little did I knew that it would stop feeling like home once Jamie left it. Little did I knew that what I was looking for all this time was Jamie.

Oh! Doing it all! I’m doing it all!

I turned my head, running out of the dressing room and onto the stage. I hear Aimee calling out for me as I run towards the stage. The curtain opens again.

Doing it all for love.

…

“You’re going to do amazing, girl,” Maurice said as he began to fix my hair. Aimee comes and dabs a napkin onto my face, trying to salvage the makeup that is left on my face. I catch my breath after dancing the last two numbers back to back.

“You know you can do that solo in your sleep,” Aimee added, smiling. “I also saw Mollie Sue Castro out in the crowd! Like, that’s a big fucking deal.”

“Yeah?” I said, taking a sip out of my water bottle. “Who is she again? I only just got into this dance life not too long ago.”

“Dude, she is like a celebrity in the dance world,” Maurice began to explain. “I heard she’s here because she’s going to be directing the next production. That’s going to be huge!”

“Maybe she’ll ask you to be a part of it,” Aimee suggested. “She’d be stupid to just let you go after seeing your solo tonight.” I couldn’t help but laugh. If only they knew I already declined my mother’s offer to assist her.

“Ashmore,” Sonia called out. “You’re up.” I took a deep breath and watched Maurice and Aimee get excited for me. I walked towards the stage once more, the last time in Ulsan, and for the last time in this production. I closed my eyes and exhaled.

“Something in me always wonders whether or not I’m doing the right thing,” I said as I nervously traced the rim of my coffee mug.

“Do you feel like you’re doing the right thing?” Jamie asked.

“I mean, others would say otherwise,” I sighed, leaning back in my chair in thought. Jamie placed his hand on the table, grabbing my attention. He looked deep into my eyes before he spoke.

“Do *you* feel like you’re doing the right thing?” He asked once again. I take a moment to ponder on his question. I couldn’t lie to him.

“I’m trying to feel as if I’m doing the right thing.” I finally answered.

“But there’s a reason why you haven’t given up or changed your mind, right?” I nodded my head after giving it some thought. Jamie was now the one leaning back in this seat, looking directly at me. “Then you’re doing the right thing for yourself, and that is to simply find your purpose in life.”

I opened my eyes once I felt the curtain open and the lights exposing me on the stage.

Hope you find your purpose. My body flows through the melody of the music. Every lyric sung hurts, translating into each bone in my body through movement, forgetting that there was even an audience in front of me. I am dancing in my childhood bedroom in Virginia. I am dancing in the dance studio of Waverly High as I met my mother for the first time since I was a baby. I am dancing on the stage in Juilliard, watching my dad be proud of the woman I was becoming. I opened my eyes to take in this moment, this view, of dancing in front of hundreds of people, all the way across the world. I gasped when the lights dim slightly during the performance.

Find a love more certain.

“Jamie,” I whispered to myself, spotting him in the crowd. I am dancing in front of Jamie; each time feeling like the first time by the way he watches in complete awe. Before I knew it, I was now in my ending position, tears coming down my face, feeling everything in this exact moment. The audience claps their hands, which then turns into a standing ovation. I looked out to the crowd, bowing and crying and thanking everyone with gratitude. I finally spot my mother with a wet face in the crowd, cheering me on. I smiled and looked over at Jamie, clapping his hands loud as he smiled at me.

…

A few days later

“Hey, I just landed in New York,” I said over the phone, rolling around a cart full of my luggage towards the exit.

“You must be fucking exhausted,” Skylar began to say. “Like dude, when I came back to Cali after that 10 hour flight, I nearly slept for a week straight.” I laughed and rolled my eyes, forgetting just how dramatic Skylar can be.

“Yeah, well after Willow’s dance recital on Sunday, I’ll be able to get all the sleep I can,” I said, finally reaching the exit. I waited for my cab ride to show up; thankfully I didn’t have to wait long. “I’ll text you when I get in my place,” I said as I got off the phone to put my bags into the car. Driving away from the airport made everything feel real now. I was finally back in New York, just a train ride away from Willow and a couple of bus stops away from my family and friends.

I was nervous to see how I’ll adjust being back here after being away for so long. I was lucky enough to have family look after my place while I was gone, but I couldn’t help but feel like a stranger to them after being gone for a year. I knew it was all in my mind, but I had this unsettling feeling that I had to start my life over now. I feel exactly how 18-year-old Grace felt when she came back to the city to live with her mom while in college; needing to start from scratch to feel that sense of home again. Last time, I was only away from the city for 4 months before I got back; this time, it’s been a year since being here. It was scary to feel like I was now starting my life over on square one, but something felt exciting about it, knowing that this was just the beginning of the rest of my life. I can now be the various versions of me that I’ve always wanted to be now after doing something that I always wanted to do. I am now “Mom Grace”, “Dance Teacher Grace”, “Business Owner Grace”, “Daughter, Cousin, Niece, Godmom-to-Emerson-and-Camis-Baby-boy Grace”.

“Grace that achieved her goals” Grace.

…

I looked up from my paperwork once I saw Bernie walk over with my cup of coffee. “Thanks, Bernie,” I smiled as I said. “I can’t lie, even coffee across the world can’t out beat yours.”

“That’s because we’re in New York,” Bernie joked. “Coffee and bagels are the first two things we consume as New Yorkers.” I laughed as I took a sip of my coffee, looking down at all the paperwork I needed to sort out for the business now that my mother was stepping away from it. It was now the morning rush, which meant the cafe was at its busiest hours. I tried to move my stuff away from the aisles of the cafe as best as possible to let people walk in and out of the cafe. It was truly my least favorite thing about being here this early. I began to gather my papers so that I could just go back to my apartment and finish this up quickly; but it wouldn’t be in true Grace fashion if a bunch of them just fell right off the table as I got up.

“Fuck,” I said to myself, feeling completely overwhelmed and annoyed at this point. I notice someone’s foot in front of me, helping gather the papers from the ground. “Thanks, you didn’t have to—” I said as I looked up at the guy. He smiles as he hands over the papers to me.

“Jamie?” I said out loud, not believing what my eyes were looking at.

“You were right about the coffee here; once you’ve had Bernie’s coffee, no other coffee can ever compare.” He smiled at me before he said anything else. “I guess that’s just something we always had in common.”

“Willie, there’s nothing to be nervous about,” I said over the phone, holding it with the side of my face and shoulder. “I know you know the dance step-by-step and have been practicing really hard.”

“But what if I mess up?” Willow asked, not seeming convinced. “What if I forget the dance on stage?”

“I promise that you won’t mess up,” I responded back. “Because you have been practicing, and if you believe in yourself, you’re going to do great.”

“Are you going to come to my show?” She asked. I swallowed hard, looking at the suitcases spread out around my room. I couldn’t believe I was less than 72 hours away from boarding a plane in Incheon and going back to New York. A whole year has come and gone—almost.

“Of course I’ll be there,” I said, smiling through the phone. “Cheering you on and watching you be the best dancer in the performance.” Willow laughed, which made me feel good. I was glad to make her happy. I could hear Max’s voice in the background, calling out Willow’s name.

“I can’t wait to see you at my show!” She said excitingly. I smiled, anticipating seeing my baby dance in her first show. Just how the first dance show I ever saw was my mother’s. “Daddy wants to talk to you.”

“Alright baby, I love you; keep practicing and you’re going to be great.” I said as Willow handed over the phone to Max. I continued packing my things in the various suitcases knowing that the time was ticking before the closing show tomorrow night.

“Hey,” Max greeted over the phone. “She told you about her show?”

“Of course, that’s all she could talk about,” I responded. “She was feeling nervous, but I know she’s going to do great.”

“There’s no doubt about that,” Max laughed. It was nice to be in a place with max that we were able to put our past behind not for our daughter, but for us to move forward with our own lives. Our daughter is our biggest priority and we finally came to a point where that was what mattered the most. “I have to pick up her costume later this week and get the hair pieces from the studio.” Max sighed as he gave a run down of his list of things to do.

“That’s the dance life for you,” I said quickly before I sighed. “I just hope she does it the right way.” I couldn’t help but think I was watching the generational curse be passed down to my daughter, which was something I tried to avoid with Willow. When Max told me that he signed her up for dance class, I was furious. It was the one thing that I didn’t want her to do; I didn’t want her to think that what I did—or what I’m doing—was the right way to do things with the people you love. Loving your passion is one thing, but to replace it with people that love you is wrong.

“She will,” Max insisted. “She has a good support system on her side.” The line got silent, which either meant the call dropped, or Max was thinking about his next words. Knowing Max, it was the ladder. “Are you sure you’re going to be home on time for her show?”

“Yes, Max,” I reassured him as I continued to pack. “Tomorrow’s the closing show, and then I’m on a plane that following morning. If everything goes as planned, I will be back by Saturday and—”

“Her show is Sunday afternoon, Grace,” Max emphasized. “Where the hell does sleep come into play in this plan?”

“On the 14 hour flight back home,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “And even if I’m jet lagged and sleep deprived, I’m coming to her show.”

“Okay,” Max finally gave in. He sighed before he spoke. “I think she really wants you there because, well, she looks up to you, Grace. Like, when she saw your first show a year ago, she was in awe. Her eyes were locked on the screen watching you dance; can a 5 year old even have a spiritual awakening?” Max laughed as I smiled, getting emotional just thinking about Willow watching me dance on the very first night of the production. “Regardless, she woke up the next morning and demanded that Mariam and I sign her up for dance. In her words, she wanted to be ‘just like mommy’. So no, you did not sign our daughter up for failure or think she’s going to make the same mistakes you did. What mistake did you make? You literally inspired a child to do something she never thought she could do.”

I hold my head back, forcing the tears to not fall down my face. I knew I shared a lot of the same traits as my mother, but I knew that what made us different was that no matter what, I would show up for Willow.

Before I can say anything, I hear the other line of my phone ring. I took the phone from my shoulder, looking that it was Skylar.

“I don’t mean to cut this short, but Sky’s on the other line and—”

“I know,” Max understood. “I’ll talk to you when you get back to New York.”

“Give Willow tons of kisses for me,” I said before saying goodbye and answering Skylar’s line. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Skylar said, seeming distant. I was confused in why she was calling me after everything that went down at her and Shawn’s place. I honestly thought I had lost my cousin that night, but she probably thought the same thing when everything was said and done. “Uncle Weston wanted me to call you—”

“Is my dad alright?” I immediately asked, feeling a sense of panic in my body.

“Yeah,” Skylar said. “He flew to Cali to be with my dad and just wanted to let you know he landed not too long ago.”

“Oh, okay,” I said, still a bit confused in Skylar’s motive to calling me. “How is Uncle Mason?”

“He’s doing alright; he started radiology not too long ago, so he thought that Uncle Weston could come down here and help out for the first couple of weeks while your mom was in Korea.” I nodded without saying anything verbally over the phone.

“You and Shawn made it back to America safely?” I asked.

“We did,” she began to say. “We’re just trying to get our lives back to normal after being across the country for so long.”

“Heh, I can only imagine,” I slightly teased, trying to lighten the mood a bit. It clearly didn’t help, so instead I sighed before I continued the conversation. “Sky, I—”

“I know,” she interrupted me and started to explain herself. “Why am I calling you after that horrific night and where am I going with this… I know. I had to ask myself all of these questions before even picking my phone up to dial your number.” I walked to my bed and sat at the edge of it, listening to what Skylar had to say. “This is hard for me to do, and normally I would tell people that hurt me deeply to go fuck themselves, but— obviously I can’t do that to family.” She took a moment before she started to talk again, but when she did, her voice seemed shakier than before. “I’m sorry for saying what I did that night. It wasn’t right to put your past on blast like that; it wasn’t my place to say that to a room full of people that clearly didn’t need to hear that.”

“I know you were mad at me,” I began to say, recalling that night in my head. “But I just don’t understand why you would say something about my past that involved Jamie in front of Sahim and Haram? Especially something as detrimental as… that.”

“I felt hurt,” Skylar admitted. “Like, I don’t think you can understand the feeling I felt seeing that soju bottle fall out of your purse. And I’m not justifying my actions; I’m just trying to explain in that moment all I cared about doing was to hurt you in a way that you felt the same pain I was feeling.”

“And that was your conclusion?” I said, getting annoyed. I took a deep breath before I continued. “I don’t think you can understand the feeling I felt breaking my sobriety over something so… stupid. Do you know the level of guilt I felt after drinking that soju? How lonely and isolating it was to hear everyone laugh and joke around in the other room while I’m in the kitchen, drowning in my thoughts?”

“I couldn’t bear to see you go down the same rabbit hole you were in before your sobriety,” Skylar’s voice cracked. It made me suck in the last bit of air I had in my words. I knew exactly what she was talking about. “I couldn’t see you become the person you were back in Cali. I couldn’t see us going back to the days where I’d get police officers dragging you back to the condo at all hours of the night, intoxicated out of your mind—or getting a call from some random number that the middle of night worried sick that it was someone telling me something bad happened to you because you were out drinking all night. I couldn’t watch you passed out in the living room surrounded by bottles, not even knowing if you were still breathing whenever you were faced down on the couch.” I heard Skylar holding back her tears, but it seemed like it was too late and she was now trying to make them audible over the phone.

“I’m sorry,” I softly said, reflecting on those times with Skylar back in California, which held some of my darkest memories. “For putting you through that, and worrying you. I…” Fuck. I was now trying to hold back the tears. “I know that must’ve been rough for you to experience, and I understand if seeing me drunk the other night triggered those bad memories for you.” It was silent for a moment, but long enough for it to be noticeable. I can only imagine all of the people I hurt over the years with the things I used to cope with my own hardships in life. I can only imagine how scary it was for those who loved me to watch me self-destruct over the years because I was… lost.

“I couldn’t bear to lose you for real this time,” Skylar finally said. “You’re the only family I have. You’re more than just my cousin. You’re more like a sister to me.” I take the phone away from my ear for a moment, taking it Skylar’s words. I covered my face, trying to control the tears falling down my face. I slowly put the phone back to my ear, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“We are sisters,” I finally said through the tears. “And again, I am so sorry for putting you in that place. I’ve… been doing better though. That was the last time I touched alcohol and it’s… just not worth losing the people I love over.”

“I’m sorry for putting you in that place that night as well,” Skylar added, sniffling her nose. “And if you need me to talk to Sahim or something, I will. Like, Shawn already chewed my ear off and told me that I needed to speak to Sahim and work things out and—”

“No, no; it’s okay. I appreciate it though,” I said, walking over to the window in my room to look out at the view. “You have a great guy in your hands, Sky. I don’t know him as well as you or his friends obviously, but what I do know is that man loves you, and he will wait eternity for you to be his wife.” Without even realizing it at first, I heard a knock on my door. I took a deep breath, turning around to walk towards the door. “I should get back to packing, Sky; promise that you and Shawn will come visit me in New York once your dad is doing better?”

“I promise,” Skylar confirmed. “If I don’t speak to you until then, I hope you have an amazing closing show. I know you’re going to slay the fuck out of your solo!” I smiled before saying goodbye. I hung up the phone as I got closer to the door, turning the knob to open it.

“Hey,” I said as I opened the door. He tightly smiled before he spoke, holding two coffees in his hands.

“Hey, Grace,” Jamie said.

The first boy I fell in love with was Scott Campbell, back in Waverly where I spent my last year of high-school. He was a sweet boy, and I took a liking for him early on in our friendship. Emerson, who was our mutual friend, tried his hardest to set us up on some double date; he was loosely dating some art major at the time that used him as her muse for her senior project. Anyway, the connection Scott and I felt that night was instantaneous; the night that we all went out to the movies was when we shared our first kiss. He wasn’t my first kiss, but he was my first heartbreak after going back home to Virginia the middle of the school year. When I came back to New York for college, I thought maybe it would feel the same; that I was able pick things back up and continue where we left off. No matter how hard I tried to feel those same things I did earlier that year, I couldn’t. It was like I was coming home to a place that really wasn’t home. That’s when we both decided it was best to stay friends.

“Boys will come and go,” my mom began to say as we sat in her studio apartment, eating lemon ices on this hot, summer day. “But home will always be there.”

“It’s weird though,” I began to say, looking back up at my mom. “When we went back to Virginia, I felt… homesick. Like, I was missing New York. I thought maybe I was just missing Scott and my friends here, but coming back and trying to go back to what things were… it was like I missed New York more than the people that were here. It just didn’t feel the same.”

“How did Scott take the breakup?” she asked.

“Pretty well, actually,” I answered, scrapping the bottom of the cup with the spoon. “I think we both felt the same way when it came to our relationship. I think we officially said our goodbyes the day I left for Virginia.”

“I think you already knew that you missed the city; not the people in it,” my mom said, nodding her head. I looked outside of the window, looking at the different skyscrapers in the city, the cars and people passing through the streets.

It was a weird phenomenon; missing something that you barely knew.

…

I immediately looked up when I heard a knock on the door of my hotel room. I let out a deep breath, not ready to have this conversation. I feel like at the point in my life I would’ve mastered the conversations; construct them in a way that made it less painful and do it in a timely manner. I opened the door, and there stood Sahim. He immediately smiled once he saw me.

“Hey, Grace,” Sahim greeted. I returned a smile back, feeling a mixture of emotions seeing him stand there. I invited him in, closing the door behind us once he entered. He slowly walked into the room, turning around to face me.

“Sit,” I insisted, pointing at the couch in the room. It was easier to move around and distract myself. “Do you want something to drink? I only have coffee, but I can make a fresh batch and–“

“Grace,” Sahim softly said. I turned around and finally looked at Sahim in the eyes. He sat on the couch, sighing once he said my name. “I’m fine.” I nodded my head and slowly walked toward Sahim, sitting in the empty space next to him. I didn’t know what to say next, but I knew I had to initiate this conversation.

“Thanks for meeting with me,” I said, finally looking at him as I spoke. He faintly smiled; it surely wasn’t as big as I felt it once was.

“Of course,” Sahim said as he sighed, rubbing his thighs with his hands nervously. “I just wanted you know that I wasn’t ignoring you or anything these last couple of days at work, I just needed some time to… think about things.” I nodded, understanding where he was coming from. I appreciated it; I wouldn’t have known what to do if Sahim was persistent in talking things out when they first happened at Skylar’s place. On the other hand, waiting for Sahim to finally come around and talk when he was ready. Nevertheless, I was the last person to have an opinion on this, considering I was the one that hurt Sahim.

“Same,” I simply answered, taking everything in. Sahim sighed before he spoke and shifted in his seat to face more toward me. “The production ending has been weighing heavy on my mind.”

“I know,” Sahim agreed. “It’s crazy that just a year ago, we were all thinking about how this year was going to go, and it’s pretty surreal that it’s finally here.” Sahim looked at me now with a faint smile. Not the smile. “I know you’re excited to go back to New York to see your daughter.”

“I am,” I said, thinking about that moment to come. “I have so much to tell her… give her as a gift and all.” I couldn’t think straight, and I could tell that Sahim was picking up on it.

“Grace,” Sahim finally started to say. “I’ve done a ton of thinking since that night at Skylar’s place. I’m sorry that Skylar felt the need to expose your past to us. I don’t understand how she would think that was the feasible reaction to—”

“I can’t fault Sky for that,” I said, looking at Sahim. He seemed confused; I knew he wouldn’t completely understand.

“She did what she did with the intention of hurting you, Grace,” he debated with me.

“Yeah, and you left me there by myself when she did, Sahim,” I spat back. He didn’t say anything after that. “With all due respect; you don’t know my cousin.”

“There’s a lot of things I don’t know about you,” Sahim spat back at me, now looking stoic in his face. He immediately sighed after he did. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah; tell me how you really feel,” I said in a sarcastic tone, rolling my eyes.

“I didn’t mean for it to come out like that,” Sahim began to explain. “But… I can’t help but wonder how much I really don’t know about you when we’ve been dating for the last couple of months now.” Sahim’s body stiffened as he turned his whole body to face me now. This is it, huh? “I’ve watched you come into this production with a sense of purpose and passion, and for the past year I’ve seen it slip away to some extent, which I understand considering how long we’ve been doing this production. But despite how stressful and hard this year has been on you, you never broke your sobriety. That was the one thing I knew for certain about you, Grace. Your sobriety meant everything to you, and one dinner night at your cousin’s place with her boyfriend and your ex made you break that.”

I didn’t know what to say to Sahim; what was I supposed to say? You’re completely right; seeing Jamie there with his girlfriend and everything leading up to that night just finally got the best of me and I broke my sobriety! It was wrong putting the blame on someone that cared just as much as my sobriety as I did.

“I made that decision,” I firmly said. “I made the decision to drink that night—”

“But you didn’t go into that place anticipating that you’d break it,” Sahim mentioned, trying to make a point. I don’t answer him back at this point. What even was the point? My lack of response made Sahim sigh, shutting his eyes before he spoke again. “I didn’t come here to start a fight with you.”

“You’re sure doing a shitty job not doing that,” I said.

“What do you want me to say, Grace?” Sahim asked as he got up from his seat, now seeming annoyed.

“I want you to tell me the truth,” I responded, growing annoyed at this conversation. One thing I learned about Sahim is that he would slowly take the bandaid off when it came to serious topics. I appreciated it when it came to things that I genuinely didn’t want to talk about, but this time it was different. This time, I knew that there were things that Sahim wanted to bring up for the longest time, and he would keep it to himself for the sake of avoiding confrontation. “I want you to tell me how you really feel—”

“Fine,” Sahim finally said before looking directly in my eyes. “I came over here because I don’t want to go back to America with unanswered questions. I don’t want to have this sitting on my conscience when I go back home. I want to go back to America with you; the same way we came here.” I looked at Sahim, noticing the last bit of light leave his eyes. In the beginning, it was that light that once drew me into him. But maybe he didn’t actually lose it; maybe I’m the one that stopped seeing it. Sahim sighed as he sat back down next to me; he seemed like he was calmer. I wasn’t used to having these type of conversations with a person that was genuinely calm; it made this conversation even harder to have.

“I also want to leave Korea knowing that I did all that I could do while being here. I also want to go back home with a clean slate, and for me to do that… I need to accept the fact that things have changed. I know you could feel it too.” I looked at Sahim in hopes that was able to read his body language. I couldn’t; not anymore.

“I do,” Sahim responded, practically whispering as if he was afraid of putting it out in the universe. Even in the times that Sahim is hurting, he always swallows his pride for the sake of the people he loves. Most people would take advantage of that in a person. Sahim deserved better.

“You are an amazing person, Sahim,” I began to say. “This past year has been such an experience in itself, but spending time with you on the days that we had off were some of the best times I’ve had while being here. Everything we’ve been through together was genuine, and I should’ve been more honest when it came to telling you about my past and what I was personally dealing with throughout this last year. It wasn’t anything that you did wrong.”

“But,” Sahim said, knowing already where this was going. I smiled tightly knowing this wasn’t what Sahim was expecting for things to turn out this way.

“But, I need to take accountability for the decisions I made. I need to mend things before it’s too late… because I know what it feels like to leave things in hopes they just dissolve. But… they never really do.” I reflected back on everything that has happened within the last couple of years. I’ve traveled and ran away from my problems in hopes that I wouldn’t ever have to face them, not knowing that they were killing me slowly the longer they sat still within me. I knew there was a difference between letting things go for the sake of moving forward, and holding onto things because you couldn’t let them go. No matter how many ways I interpreted it, everything came back to that first year I met Jamie. Everything came back to us being in that cafe. Everything that would come back was always that feeling of home. That was home.

At this point, Sahim looked defeated. He seemed speechless as he sat there, listening to me talk. He came here with the intention that we would talk things out in hopes that we can start our life back up in America.

“You’re going to have to say it,” Sahim finally mentioned, looking at me with some sort of reassurance in his expression. If there was one thing I knew about Sahim, it was that no matter what, he would try to make any difficult conversation a little less intense, despite feeling nothing but intense. We both sat in silence for a moment, looking at each other has the fluorescent light flickered. You’re going to have to say it.

“I’m sorry, Sahim.” It was the only thing I could say that was completely honest. It took Sahim a moment to react, but he nodded his head when he did. He sighed before looking at me, faintly smiling as he locked eyes with me. He began getting up from his seat; I followed his same moves. He looked at me one more time before finally smiling; this one felt more genuine.

“I should get going then,” Sahim finally said. “Get some rest before the last show this Friday.” I nodded, agreeing as I started to walk Sahim to the front door. He’s the one that opens door first, turning around one more time before he leaves.

“I hope you get what you want,” I finally said, leaning against the doorknob with my hands. “You deserve it.” Sahim tightly smiled as he looked at me.

“Thanks, Grace,” he said before turning away from the doorway. He stopped before he completely turns his body. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

“What I’m looking for?” I repeated, unsure what Sahim meant. He nodded before saying anything.

“Yeah,” he began to say. “Something… that feels like home.” He walked away from the door and before I could process everything that just happened, Sahim disappeared at the end of the hall. I didn’t know what to think in this moment.

Everything that Sahim and I went through this past year wasn’t taken in vain. His presence was needed in a time where everything seemed uncertain; in a way, I felt this wave of guilt leaving Sahim after spending the year with him in Korea. But… he even felt that home wasn’t with him.

I closed the door and closed my eyes to reflect on everything that led up to this moment. Everything happens for a reason, and there was no running away from it.

There was no running away from home.