The scariest thing about being high-functioning is that you find loopholes in every thought, action, and belief you have because you were trained things must be black and white. Certain. Absolute. I always knew that was unrealistic and that things almost always have a gray area to explore, but your black-and-white brain tells you “Nope! We must be certain about this”.
The older I get, the more I am realizing that many of my beliefs, thoughts, and actions are now in question; it feels like I am learning my way around life all over again. Because of that, I now second-guess every thought, every action, and every belief I once held onto for so long. Is this a normal thing to experience? To feel like a newborn baby opening their eyes to the world for the first time?
It makes me super uncomfortable, and I am learning to stay uncomfortable.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I am an uncomfortable 32-year-old woman who is sitting in her uncomfortableness for a greater outcome.
Lemme explain.
The idea of being uncomfortable came up a couple of times in therapy when discussing OCD, trichotillomania, and even discovered that I have a specific attachment type that I need to work on. To make a long story short, I entered the new year having possibly one of the biggest reality checks I’ve had in a really long time. It truly put the idea of unspoken conversations in a new light, and I am notorious for not speaking up in a way that doesn’t feel dangerous or threatening to the things I care about. Most people are able to voice out their wants and their needs whereas I have a hard time doing so. It even gets to the point where I can mix up being independent with avoidant, distant, and eventually feel resentment because of this “push-pull” mechanism I put myself in unknowingly.
That push-pull thing is due to uncertainty, and my brain tells me that having certainty is a necessity, not because it is, but simply because it allows me to be in control of the situation. It allows me to sit comfortable.
Being comfortable isn’t necessarily all bad; we all want to be comfortable to some degree, but when that comfortability hinders your growth as a person, and causes you to play things safe despite what you really want, it leaves you feeling dissatisfied. It leaves you in a place where you’re now uncomfortable for being uncomfortable. Are you with me?
I am learning to be uncomfortable for various reasons. For one, I am getting older, and my wants and needs are constantly shifting to things that seem “unsafe” to my comfort zone. Secondly, I value myself a lot more than I did when I was younger, and while I too deserve to express myself in vulnerable situations, I still revert back to mechanisms that do not align with this version of myself anymore. The comfort zone.
Being uncomfortable means that there’s a lot of moments where I feel like I am constantly doubting my own thoughts and beliefs; questioning the validity of the things I once deemed certain. But that’s what being uncomfortable is.
It’s not the greatest feeling, and I wish there was some sort of way I could be okay with the uncomfortable feeling. But wouldn’t that just mean I’m comfortable? Not necessarily. I can feel uncomfortable and be okay with the fact that I am. And I am, tremendously.
Maybe that just comes with being an adult. Maybe your adulthood is just being uncomfortable, never knowing if you are on the right track, or the relationships you have are the right ones to have. You can even tie motherhood with that, and wonder if the choices you make will affect your child in any way. Ugh, another thing I know I will highly struggle with if that is the path I go down in my own future.
Anyway, back to the present: being uncomfortable has been teaching me to be authentic with myself. Express the uncomfortable things that makes me human and not feel like an absolute burden for having needs and wants as a human. Speak up for myself, even when they are as minor as asking for the Wi-Fi password at a lounge so that I can work remotely on my laptop. Asking for help when I feel like I am absolutely spiraling down without thinking it makes me a weak person. Also, (big reveal now) being okay with not knowing my exact path through life beforehand…
… now that’s being uncomfortable and living with it.
There’s so much more I have to learn, and for the most part I’m looking forward to it. I truly feel like I am at the point of my life where you can either have it all together, or don’t; but who the fuck cares? Who is watching you with a checklist of things you must have or must do in order to feel certainty with life? If no one else cares, neither should I. It’s my life; it’s now or never… I ain’t gonna live forever!
Yes, I totally just threw out a Bon Jovi lyric and now I’m signing off. ❤
Letters From Liz. 