10 years ago, I was silently going through a major event in my life. Major, as in life-changing, and something that I did not know would affect me in the immediate years after that, and that it would trigger me years after it all.
It’s Halloween night, and I just got out of work and have plans to go out. I’m dressed as a Saloon girl, in honor to my office’s Western theme Halloween party. I meet up with my partner and one of his closest friends at the local bar; the one I have intentionally labeled as our “Central Perk”. The place is crowded, and we are unfortunately sitting next to a man who clearly had a ton to drink already. Despite my costume being very “cleavage exposed”, I felt the tightness in my chest. I felt uncomfortable; not because I didn’t expect a man to be drunk at a bar though. It was like my body was reacting to the scenario in a way that it did all those years ago. It was like… I wasn’t exposed to this type of trauma for so many years now, that I simply didn’t even know how to react. I felt myself getting an anxiety attack, and it showed on my face instantly.
Eventually, the guy left the bar and a younger couple in costumes took his spot in the bar. After processing the situation and feeling safe, I voiced out to my partner that seeing that man that drunk triggered me, and brought up that trauma. I’m grateful I didn’t need to further explain it, as he was there when that part of my life happened, 10 years ago.
I was 21. I felt trapped. Lost. Defeated, thinking this was going to be for the rest of my life if I didn’t get myself out of it.
I am now 31. I am free. I am better. I am undeniably living some of the best years of my life. I’m living the life 21 year old Liz dreamed of.
So, what happened? Well, life happened – and for once I am grateful that it nearly cost someone’s life in order to make a change. A major change. Major, as in to the point where it took years to forgive, and allow myself to let that anger go in order for me to start healing.
10 years later, I am reminded that the little girl that shared a common interest in sports was still alive. I was able to attend a game for a team that I grew up watching. I remember sitting in that stadium and just looking over to my left thinking, “this is something I didn’t think I’d ever get to do with you.”
This year–the more that I think about it–was truly… healing.
This year was the year that I began to be more honest with myself on a level that I wasn’t capable of doing due to fear. I was able to have conversations that were once too tough to have, especially when it came to more of the adult problems. I was also able to accept that… well, I was changing, and the things that once made me feel safe no longer worked during the rough times.
It’s probably why it nearly took 19 years to finally get treated for trichotillomania. I was finally being honest with myself.
This year, I finally started to feel like I was genuinely being myself without any self-judgement. In conversations with friends and family, in professional settings at the office, and in general I feel like more of my true personality is being let out. In a sense, I am starting to feel like the grown-up version of “kid me”: the funny, witty, bubbly kid that also didn’t take no shit from anyone that disrespected her. It’s nice to finally feel like I am closer to my kid self than any other version, which is honestly so surprisingly refreshing.
I did so many things to document a good year: I went to Atlantic City every 3 months, or literally when my partner and I felt like we needed a break from our jobs and come back to them feeling brand new and ready to make that money. I went to 2 concerts this year; one in which I was a VIP and got to hang out with the band before the show. I went to see the New York Mets play this summer, which was rewarding for the little baseball girly in me. I did all these amazing things that I chose to do because I deserved to experience times like this. I deserved to live my life like I was in my early 20’s again after wasting them being severely depressed and unmotivated.
I deserved to heal, and it was time that I allowed myself to heal.
The reality of it all was that I knew I was getting older, and the people that I grew up with were getting older. The reality of it, at least for me, was knowing that I am now at the age that I realize that the only person that will ever make you feel safe is yourself. The only person that you’ll ever feel secure and certain with is yourself. So, why not build up the relationship you should have with yourself?
To reflect back on this year and compare it to 2015 just proves the point that things get better with time. Hardships are going to happen, and it’s going to feel like nothing will ever be right.
Spoiler: The feeling will be temporary.
As we end 2025 and get ready for 2026, I reflect back on the difference in where I was this time last year. It just comes to show that it gets better as the years go on, despite what happens in between.
See you in 2026, letter readers. ❤
Letters From Liz. 