And here we were; the final week of my freshman year.
I sit in the band ensemble, watching this year’s 12th grade class in their caps and gowns and walking as we play “Pomp and Circumstance”. I watch the principal of Waverly call out every graduate’s name as they walked across the stage, receiving their diploma. It’s crazy to think that I’ll be there in a couple of years; experience under my belt, possibly a great college ready to attend later that Fall, and… God knows where Sophie and I will be.
The longer Sophie didn’t speak to me, the more I regret ever going that far with her. Everything changed once we both decided to be each other’s first. I still think back to that day, conflicted whether or not I’m thinking about it because it’s a bad memory or because I would do it all over again just to feel her that close to me again.
Maybe she’s not avoiding the conversation; she could just be super busy these days. Maybe she just hasn’t had time to hang out… or talk… or anything, really. I was so deep in thought that I also missed my cue to the song again, watching the graduates leave the auditorium as newly high-school graduates.
…
“Yo, Milo!” I hear a girl’s voice call out down the West Wing. I turned around to see it was Veronica; Ronnie for short. I was surprised to have one of Mollie’s friends come up to talk to me.
“Hey, Ronnie,” I said once she got close. She was carrying her clarinet case in one hand, and her music binder in another. “You need a hand, or…?”
“Please,” Ronnie said, handing me her 95-pound binder. I thought dual majors had the encyclopedia sized binders. “Got kicked out of the West Wing for eating my lunch before practicing.”
“You know you can’t eat in those rooms,” I laughed. Ronnie rolled her eyes as she put her lunch back in her bag, followed by the binder. “Your binder weighs a ton, by the way.”
“Thanks, I didn’t realize,” she said in a sarcastic way, adjusting her strap on her backpack. “Make sure you’re fed and hydrated as fuck before going in those rooms; they watch you like a damn hawk in them.” I laughed, completely agreeing with her.
“Noted,” I smiled as I said. Ronnie smiled back at me before picking up her case from the ground.
“I should get going,” Ronnie mentioned. “Thanks again for helping me with my things.”
“Anytime,” I said. I wanted to ask her how Mollie was doing, considering she was now the closest thing to Mollie besides Aaron. I vote against it, not wanting to change the mood or make her feel comfortable. “I’ll see you in Harrison’s class?”
“Sadly,” Ronnie responded, huffing and puffing. “That man needs to take a day off for once; I would love to not have to play this damn instrument today.”
“Felt that,” I said, turning around to walk towards the West Wing. I finally walk past the room that I knew Sophie would be in. She’s a creature of habit. I looked through the small window and see Sophie working on something. I knock on the door, which startles her and closes what she was writing on.
“Hey, Scout,” I said as I opened the door.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” She immediately asked as she adjusted herself.
“Clearly looking for you,” I jokingly said with a smile. “I feel like we haven’t hung out in a long time.”
“Well, we are in school,” Sophie emphasized.
“And?” I said, getting a bit annoyed at how dismissive she was being.
“And we have things to focus on,” Sophie responded back. “Our last NYSSMA rehearsal before the competition was embarrassing.” Sophie began to pack her things up, and at this point, I was tired of beating around the bush.
“Sophie,” I sternly said. “Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“Doing whatever you’re trying to do,” I replied, now serious. “You keep avoiding me like I did something wrong to you. I would rather you just talk to me about it.”
“Talk about what, exactly?” Sophie began to argue.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about, Sophie! How do you think it makes me feel knowing that my first time possibly ruined our friendship? I’m here trying to figure out if what we did was a mistake or—”
“It’s always about how you feel, Milo!” Sophie interrupted. “It’s always about you wanting to talk things out when you feel like it. You only want to talk things out last week because you didn’t want this to affect your performance. Now that we have our NYSSMA competition, you want to talk things out so that you play well without any interruptions. You always want to do things your way without ever considering what other people want to do.”
“Then what the hell do you want to do?” I start to shout, growing frustrated at her. “Because it’s sounding like you just want to brush things under the rug like it never happened! Newsflash, Sophie: it did! It happened, we did it, and it ruined our friendship—”
“You ruined our friendship!” I stood up and shouted at Milo.
“Me?!”
“Yes, you! You broke all of the trust I built with you to the point that when I was at my most vulnerable, you took advantage of it for your own agenda!” I was hearing the words coming out of Sophie’s mouth, but I couldn’t understand what she was talking about.
“Were you busy listening to Allen again?’ I scoffed, trying to find some plausible meaning behind that she was talking about.
“What does Allen have to do with this?” Sophie questioned, tilting her head to the side.
“All of a sudden you guys are friends or something? Since when do you talk to Allen Pagani?” I scoffed, questioning Sophie. “You seriously will believe what everyone else says and never me–“
“Allen told me what you told Mollie,” Sophie admitted. “Mollie told Aaron and now Aaron is telling everyone what we did out of spite.” I felt my heart drop straight down my chest and into my stomach. Sophie knows I told Mollie.
“Sophie,” I tried to explain, but she wasn’t having it. She gathered her things, getting ready to leave the rehearsal room.
“Save it,” she finally looks at me in my eyes. I could see just how much this is affecting her. All because I trusted Mollie. “I have other things to focus on.” I looked down in her hands and noticed a folder in them. It’s not hard to recognize the infamous school logo from Julliard on it. I looked up at her as she turned around to exit the room. She got it. She got the Julliard recruitment folder.
…
“Last but certainly not least, we have one of our dancers in our senior division performing a piece for our showcase,” Jennifer began to say. “It’s been an honor to not only have trained such a hardworking, dedicated dancer, but to have seen her grow into the young woman she is today. Please give a round of applause to my sister, Mollie Sue Castro.”
I entered the small stage and see a couple dozen of people sitting in the audience. Parents of other dancers, friends of them as well. I see my own mom in the audience with Alex, smiling from ear to ear. I see my other older sister, Maryette, and her boyfriend Dennis cheering loudly. I see Mr. Kamalani with Micah and the twin girls, staring and smiling at Jennifer. I see Aaron all the way in the back, smiling as I entered the stage and got into my starting position.
My hair is down and curly, and my dance outfit is red, sequin, and reflecting off of the lights from the stage. The music begins to play, and I immediately start dancing.
“That’s… whoa,” Aaron said as I walked out of the fitting room, wearing the red dance outfit. “Red is definitely your color.”
“Jennifer wants me to look like a skinny fire flame on stage,” I said, looking in the dressing room mirror. “What was she thinking picking this hue of red out of all of them?”
“It’s supposed to resemble a fire flame,” Aaron got up from his seat and walked over to me, looking at me in the mirror. He kisses me on the cheek before resting his chin on my shoulder. “I think you look beautiful, Mols.”
“Oh stop,” I playfully teased Aaron, smacking him on his shoulder as I turn around. He smiles at me, holding me now around the waist. I gestured the tailor to come into the fitting room area. “This is perfect.”
We ended up going to the pizza parlor for lunch since it was on our way home. Aaron sits across from me, drinking his cola straight from the can.
“So what time is your dance showcase?” Aaron asked. I rolled my eyes having to answer this question again.
“Babe, I told you like 15 times; it’s at 7PM,” I said, taking a slice of pizza from the box. “You’re starting to make me think you have some short term memory loss or something.”
“I just want to be extra sure,” Aaron said as he opened up his calendar app on his phone. It was shocking to see just how many things he has on that calendar to begin with. He begins typing in a new event for this Saturday in the 7PM slot.
“You have something to do before the show?” I asked Aaron after looking at his calendar. He looks up once he’s finished putting my show on his calendar, like it was a scheduled meeting or something.
“Dean called for an emergency manager’s meeting,” Aaron said, finally taking a slice of pizza to eat.
“What for?” I asked. Aaron just shook his head as he ate his food.
“Nothing for you to worry about, babe,” Aaron said, looking down at his phone when it pings a new notification. He checks it before turning the screen off and looks back up. “That’s Dean’s way of saying that I have to be there when really it’s just us chilling.”
“You and Dean have been hanging out a lot lately,” I pointed out, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
“He’s literally my manager, Mols.”
“Yeah, but is there a reason why he has you cutting our hang out time for some unnecessary meeting?” I crossed my arms and looked at Aaron. He rolls his eyes in a dismissive way.
“Once you have a manager for your dance career, you’ll understand the importance of having meetings with them,” Aaron commented.
“Yeah, her name is my sister,” I spat back. Aaron looked up at me, clearly feeling the tension in my words.
“Is she going to be ‘your manager’ forever?”
“What are you trying to imply Aaron?” I was now growing annoyed with him.
“I’m just saying; if you’re going to take dance seriously, you need to take it seriously, like, now.” Aaron forcefully said. It was like I was talking to a business partner, yet alone my own boyfriend. I looked down at my hands, trying to hide the embarrassment on my face. I hear Aaron sigh. “Mols.”
“Clearly you know my dance career better than me,” I commented back, rolling my eyes at him.
“I’m just looking out for you,” Aaron defended. “I know how much dance means to you, and I know just how good you’re at it. I want you to not only just love what you do; you also have to be smart about it.” I don’t say anything else; I simply just didn’t want to at that point. Aaron reached out for my hands across the table. I finally look up at Aaron. Gosh. I can’t take those gentle eyes.
“I just want to spend quality time with my boyfriend,” I squeaked out, trying to hold back the tears. He rubs the top of my knuckles with his thumb for reassurance.
“I promise I will be at your show this weekend, then we can go out for a romantic night out.” Aaron gently said and smiled.
The music stops. I’m trying to catch my breath in the ending position as the audience applauds for me. All I can see in this moment is Aaron, standing and clapping his hands, smiling right at me.
…
“Aaron, where the hell are you even taking me?” I said, walking blindly with only Aaron as a source of direction. His hands cover the majority of my face, guiding me to stand in a certain spot. I opened my eyes and instantly know where we’re at. 318 Mt. Gomerary Place.
I turned back around and looked at Aaron. “This is the place where I first saw you perform.”
“It felt fitting to come here after seeing you dance for the first time tonight,” Aaron mentioned. We walk into the venue, which to my surprise is an actual lounge place when there’s no performances going on. We sit on the balcony level of the venue, looking down at the people sitting in the other tables. It was dim in here with only candlelight really being our source of light.
“Thanks for taking me out tonight,” I said to Aaron. He smiles and shifts in his chair, putting his hand on top of the table, over mine. “And of course, for coming to see me dance.”
“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”
“Very romantic of you,” I added and giggled, which made Aaron playfully roll his eyes.
“Anything for my girl,” Aaron picked up my hand and kissed it; I immediately felt the butterflies in my stomach. “This is also a thank you for being a part of my dual major performance for the showcase.” I shifted in my seat when Aaron mentioned the showcase. A lot was going on in my head during the performance, and I felt like I could’ve sung so much better than I actually did. On top of that, I felt a wave of guilt for not performing to the best of my ability, yet still being offered the Juilliard prospective students program instead of Aaron. This was his band, and I know just how upset he was hearing that students in Milo’s performance got it over him.
“You know you did just as great in your performance,” I reassured him. He exhaled loudly, as if the thought was choking him from the inside. “And there’s always going to be other opportunities to get recruited.”
“I’m just sad we won’t be doing it together,” Aaron commented. “It would’ve been cool if we got to hang out at Juilliard and pretend we’re college students.” I smiled at the thought, thinking about how life will be in the next couple of years. I can’t believe Freshman year is almost over.
“Do you think about life so far ahead? I can’t seem to remember what I currently have to do,” I said, laughing.
“It keeps me motivated,” Aaron began to explain. “It reminds me that I’m doing everything for a bigger cause.”
“Doesn’t that scare you?” Aaron looked at me before he answered my question. He seems like he was pondering the emotion in itself.
“Sometimes, but that’s just because the future is uncertain. But, if you’re actively working on something, it gives you some insight on how it will look like.” I stare at Aaron as he speaks. I wonder if he thinks about the past in order to be hopeful about the future. Does he remember where he was this time last year? Did he think he’d be sitting in here on a random day in May, celebrating with his girlfriend after her dance show?
“And your past doesn’t haunt you in the process?” I asked honestly. Aaron scrunched his brow, seeming caught off-guard with my question.
“The past is the past for a reason.”
“But doesn’t it affect the decisions you make in the present?”
“Does it for you?” he finally asked back, directing the conversation to me. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, not expecting the spotlight to be back on me. I was already in one just a couple of hours ago; I don’t need another one. “Mols?”
I nodded my head. “It makes things difficult.” I looked at Aaron, feeling completely safe with him in this moment. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs throughout our relationship, but no one outside of my family has ever made me feel as safe like Aaron. It was now my turn to exhale loudly, letting the thought choke itself out. “I was suicidal last year after a boy I really liked embarrassed me at a party. The whole school laughed at me, calling me the school slut and just… it was hard.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Aaron softly consulted. I shake my head, hoping it shook the thought away. It did nothing but make my eyes watery. Aaron reaches for the napkin on his side of the table, leaning to wipe my tears away. “Baby…”
“It’s okay… just… everything that has happened between me and Milo just… made it feel so similar. He accused me of doing something I never would even think of doing. It made me feel like I was being called out my name and… it’s stupid–“
“It’s not,” Aaron intervened. “You experienced a traumatic event, and the way you and Milo dealt with things made it feel real again. But it’s not real, because you’re handling it differently.”
“But what if I slip up? What if it gets to a point where I can’t handle it anymore and–“
“You have me, Mols,” Aaron mentioned. “I wouldn’t ever make you feel like you were the ugly things people have called you before, because they are not true. What is true is that you’re beautiful. Talented. Funny, Smart, Amazing and everything else that makes up Mollie. Everything that makes me love you.” It was then he leaned in and kissed me softly, underneath the candlelight on our table. When we’re done, I look directly into Aaron’s eyes.
“Thank you for seeing me,” I say out loud. “For loving me.” Aaron smiles back at me.
That was the same night Aaron and I finally did it. It. The same thing I gave Milo a hard time with when I found out. At this point, I don’t even care how he got to that point; I understand how he did, and that’s what scares me.
Milo is as love with Sophie as I am with Aaron. He will go to the depths of the earth if it meant he could spend the last days on it with her. I will do the absolute same for Aaron.
But it’s about if the feeling is mutual. That’s when it feels the most real.
-End-
Letters From Liz. 