I didn’t sleep well last night. I was too anxious about the day that was to come because today was the first rehearsal since our last show with Aaron’s band. I’ve avoided Aaron this entire time, telling him I needed some time and space to think; thankfully he was understanding enough to give that to me.
The door to the rehearsal room opened, and I wasn’t surprised that Aaron was the first one to arrive. He stopped for a moment when he noticed me.
“Mols,” Aaron said as he put his stuff down. “You’re super early today.”
“My dance class was cancelled, so I was able to get here earlier,” I said, fidgeting with my hands nervously.
“How’s that going?” Aaron asked as he began to set up the space for practice. “I know you were practicing for your big solo for your recital.” I looked at Aaron, shocked that he remembered that.
“It’s going,” I said, getting up from my seat to help set up. “This weekend I have to go costume shopping with my sister, which is in my opinion the most fun part about the process.”
“Not even doing the dance is the fun part?” Aaron slightly teased, looking at me as he spoke. I looked up to him and saw a slight smile appear on his face.
“Performing is the product, not the process,” I corrected him. “I very much enjoy the rehearsals leading up to the performance.”
“How about band practice?” he asked. “Do you enjoy practicing with us still?” I looked at Aaron, knowing that this was his way of talking about difficult situations. I sighed, trying to gather my thoughts before I answered him.
“I love rehearsing with you guys,” I started to answer. “What I don’t love is feeling like I’m some sort of guest in your band. I don’t like the fact that I’m easily replaceable if we break up.”
“There’s no reason for you to think that way though–“
“How can I not when your ex used to be in the same position I’m in?” I interrupted, pointing out the obvious. “Did Rina think that she was eventually going to have to make solo music after being booted from the band?”
“First of all, Rina wasn’t booted from the band,” Aaron corrected, scrunching his eyebrows. “She left the band on her own after we broke up. I wasn’t gonna kick her out just because we weren’t dating anymore because she was literally a part of the band.”
“So you guys created this band together? This band was just, like, your baby?!” I started to question irrationally.
“What?” Aaron sked, seeming confused. I rolled my eyes, feeling frustrated now.
“Why did you tell me I was the first person to be your lead singer?” I asked, feeling defeated now. “Why would you lie about something like that if it wasn’t a big deal?”
“I didn’t want your sister to think that I just scouted you in my band because we’re dating. She wasn’t gonna understand since she seemed to already have a strong opinion on me.” He looked at me seeming uncomfortable. “I didn’t know your sister was Milo’s mom.”
“She’s not,” I corrected him quickly. “She married his dad.” Aaron nods his head, taking in the information. “You still could’ve told me the truth.”
“I know,” Aaron sighed as he said. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, and I swear it was not because your place in this band doesn’t matter. You matter.” He placed his hands on my shoulders, pulling me into a hug. He pulled me away to look at me once more.
“Do you love your band more than me?” I asked, instantly regretting the words coming out. Aaron scrunched his eyebrows together, removing his hands from my shoulders. He was clearly upset that I asked this to him.
“Why would you even say something like that?” He asked. “My god, Mollie; what the hell has gotten into you?” His reaction made me feel defensive.
“You didn’t answer the question,” I noted, crossing my arms along my chest.
“Because it’s a stupid question,” Aaron argued. “Why would you think that I love my band more than my own girlfriend—”
“Because we are just alike, Aaron,” I interrupted. “You value your craft and put it above everything else in your world, just like me. You shut everything out when your craft is your top priority. You will do whatever it takes to perfect your craft, because no matter how good you truly are at it, you never think you’re good enough, or big enough to achieve your dreams.” I looked at Aaron as I spoke, seeing his face soften the longer I spoke. He knew what I was saying was true. He knew that we worked so well because we are on the same side of the coin. He sighed before he said anything else. I was terrified to hear his answer.
“I love you, Mols,” Aaron simply said as he looked at me. “I… can’t put it in words how much I do. It’s a feeling I haven’t ever experienced before. And for once, I can balance my life out.”
“Balance your life?” I questioned, not understanding what he meant.
“I can do what I love and be with the person I love at the same time,” he answered as he smiled. “It’s like I can see my entire future in one picture, and I’m so happy that you’re a part of the band, because I know that together we can do far.” I looked Aaron, feeling the butterflies in my stomach.
To an extent, I could understand where Aaron was coming from. Being with him felt so completely different than every other person I knew in my life. The world looked more colorful, more innocent, and more hopeful whenever I was with Aaron. I could imagine what the next four years of my life would be like when I was him. It was exciting to think about; all of the shows we’d perform together at, the gigs and the exposure and the memories that we’ll make as we get older. It was exciting to think about going to the school dances with him, being his date for prom, and holding hands as we walk in our caps and gowns. It was exciting to think where we will go during the most important tine of our lives.
Is this… love?
I tippy toed and kissed Aaron, eager to feel his touch. I looked at him, smiling as he looked down at me. If this is love, I don’t want to ever feel anything else in my life.
“I love you too, Aaron, I simply said.
Letters From Liz. 