It was raining on this particular Saturday afternoon, and I had nothing planned besides get some homework done and practice a couple of cues for band class. We had our end-of-the-year performance coming up soon, and Mr. Harrison kept giving us pieces to learn for it. I feel like we’ve learned an encyclopedia worth of music this year alone. It was exciting, but sometimes I wish we were given some sort of break in between learning new pieces to actually prefect them.
My mum knocked on my bedroom door before she entered. I still wasn’t talking to her after what she did the day Milo brought me home from our last performance. Since then, she’s tried to make any effort in us being on good terms again; it was hard to forgive her when I was still so embarrassed in the way she acted towards Milo. Even though I am solely the blame for what happened that day.
“Soojin,” my mum said to me as she opened my bedroom door. “Remember that you have your video call with your father in a few.” I didn’t say anything back to her. She sighed as she left my room, closing the door behind her. I wasn’t thrilled to have these visits with my father, but I had made a promise to my mum that if the visitations didn’t interfere with my school schedule or extracurricular activities, I could video chat with him. I made sure that she didn’t completely ban me from ever hanging out with Milo again, considering she thought that he influenced me in a negative way.
…
“Heya, kid,” my dad said through the computer screen, smiling right in the camera.
“Hi, dad,” I said, forcing a smile on my face. My dad had lost some weight in his face since the last time I saw him. He also was the type to upkeep his facial hair; he’s now growing in a scruffy beard on his face. It was like I was looking at a complete stranger that was supposedly my dad.
“How’s it going? How’s high school treating you?” He kept asking me a bunch of questions, which made me feel bad. He really wanted to know everything that was going on in my life, and it seemed like he kept these questions for so long to someday ask me. I should’ve made more of an effort to do these visits with him. It just hurt too much to make this a regular reoccurrence.
“It’s been good,” I began to answer. “We had a show at Juilliard a couple of weeks ago, and now we’re getting ready for our end-of-the-year showcase.”
“That’s great,” he smiled as he spoke. He was so happy to talk to me it made me feel both guilty, yet mad at the situation. You should’ve been here. You would’ve known all of this stuff anyway. “You like it there? You made any friends?”
“Yeah,” I said, not getting much into it. “We’re all in band together, so we spend a lot of time practicing together and stuff.” He nodded his head, not looking too much into my words.
“I’m happy you got into Waverly,” he said, adjusting in his seat. “I’m glad to hear that you still love playing the violin.” I nodded as he spoke. It was undoubtedly true how much I loved playing the violin, and I was only ever introduced to it because of my father. “Remember when you wanted to play the flute in grade school because all of the other girls in your class played it?”
“I do,” I laughed a little, almost forgetting that was something that happened. “We have a flute section in our band; surprisingly they are made up of boys.”
“Really?” My dad asked, seemingly shocked. “I would’ve thought they wanted to play bigger instruments, like the trombone or the saxophone. Or even the drums; boys seem to play instruments that they play in their band outside of school.” I nodded my head, completely agreeing with my dad.
“Oh yeah,” I began to say. “There’s a bunch of boys that are in bands outside of school. That’s all that they talk about with each other before class. It’s interesting to see them transition from their contemporary music to classical music when we have class.”
“Can’t ever escape the classics,” my dad added on. He was completely right; you can’t stray away from playing the classics when you’re in an ensemble like Waverly High’s. “I know your mum is more concerned about your grades rather than music, so make sure that you are keeping up with them as well.” I nodded my head, feeling more comfortable talking to my dad. It’s a weird feeling; he doesn’t feel like he’s in a computer screen. He feels like he’s sitting across the table from me, drinking his coffee with the newspaper folded underneath it. It feels like I’m having breakfast with him before school; like the old days. Like the good days.
“I am,” I reassured him, fidgeting with my hands in front of me. “I was looking into a college that I was interested in, and I have to have really good grades in order to get into it.” This is something I didn’t even share with my mum yet.
“Already?” My dad asked. “I mean, that’s great! It’s good that you’re already thinking about college… although you just started high school…”
“I know, but it doesn’t hurt to start preparing for those things,” I explained. I wanted to tell him the school. I wanted to tell him everything I’ve researched about their music program there because I knew he would be supportive of my decision. He was also very vocal about me pursuing music; my mum had other plans for me. They normally would clash because of it, and sometimes I only feel like my mum only let me go to Waverly to please my father. If it were up to her, she would’ve sent me to some STEM school or something. “So, what’s the school that you’re interested in?”
“Oh, uhm… just a few different schools,” I vaguely answered. “I don’t remember the names of them.” My dad nodded his head before changing the subject.
“Just know that no matter what you decide to do, I will always support your decision,” he said as he looked directly into the camera. “I know it’s hard to believe considering the circumstances, but I am always going to be there for you.” I didn’t say much after that; I was too afraid to say or think too heavily on this just in case I started to cry.
This was the reason why I never wanted to do this in the first place. It’s not because I didn’t love my father anymore, but it simply hurts knowing that the one person that completely understands me isn’t around to help me navigate through these weird times in my life, balancing my life was a student, a violinist, a teenager.
“I know,” I simply said, swallowing the knot that formed in my throat. The beeping of the call began to ring quicker, which meant that our meeting was almost over.
“Keep going, kid,” he said as smiled. “Thank you for coming to talk to me today, and I’ll talk to you soon. I lo—” A blue screen appears in place of where my dad was. The call had officially ended. I took a deep breath, closing the laptop. I wanted to cry so hard in this moment. How was I falling in love with music with someone also in love with music, and the person who introduced it to me isn’t seeing the transformation happening in real time? He would’ve been so happy to hear that I was interested in Juilliard. Back in the UK, he used to watch all of the Philharmonic shows that Julliard hosted. He always commented on how huge the stage was. He insisted that one day I would play the stage of Juilliard.
I made it, dad. I played on the stage that you so desperately wanted me to play on, and you couldn’t be there to witness it happening.
I went back to my room and closed the door shut, weeping in my arms. The frustration, the anger, the absolute sadness I feel without having him around. I missed him like crazy, and I wanted nothing more to go back in time and tell him just how much I needed him in my life. I needed him giving me all the in and outs of being a violinist. I needed him to nod his head agreeing with all of the challenges I faced being a violinist.
More than anything, I needed him to show me what it was like having a boy love you, and how to love a boy back.
Letters From Liz. 